TS's life journal

[tomatosauce]

I’m writing this so I have somewhere to talk about what's going on… I'm really struggling at the moment.  I was inspired by Poet's open and truthful well-being journal so here I am! I hope this is okay... and for those who don't want to hear the negative rant thats coming... you might want to close this now!

I've had depression for about 3 years now and I don't remember a time when I've been this low. Yesterday was the worst it's been in a long time and I took 2 sleeping pills in the afternoon in the hopes that I would sleep all night (and maybe some of today) and wake up feeling somewhat better... they were not the pills I meant to take – a LOT weaker than the ones I meant to take. I woke up feeling hungover this morning and I've felt pretty lousy all day! If I every try that again it'll be the stronger ones and more of them! I'm sick of feeling crap and every day being a struggle… I just want it over and done with.

In the last few months I've often thought that school next year will be easier because I'll have less subjects and they are ones I've chosen instead of ones school makes me do etc. I'm slowly beginning to realize how stupid that is… next year is going to be harder and although there's less subjects there will be more work! I need to improve my mental health hugely if I'm ever going to make out through… I don't know how but I have to do it soon or I'm going to be a drop out.

Anyay... today. I felt like shit. I look like shit. Today was a low day. Except for English. If I must find a positive, it's English! We had the last 2 periods of a 4-period assessment task… I went in with half my introduction written, worked my bum off the whole time and ended the period with an almost-finished essay to hand in at the end. It wasn't the best I could have written and it wasn't finished… but I feel like it was step 1 in overcoming my fear of failure and silencing my inner perfectionist.

Depression. Depression is a big black hole… a place where I fall if I am not actively fighting against it… my medication only does so much.  I need to do the rest.  I want to lift myself out of this big black hole and live the life I was meant to. I believe I can get all A and A+ in year 11. I believe I can get DUX in year 12. I believe I can become a chartered accountant when I leave school. I need to overcome the monster inside me that is holding me back and live life as a healthy, happy 16 year old.

Wow... that was a lot longer and more open than I was expecting!

Thanks guys for always being here... I love you!❤

[PhoenixxFire]

‘grats on starting this. Being open and honest can be hard.

I hope that you do eventually find a way out of that black hole, and that in the meantime this serves as an outlet for your frustrations and helps to calm the dark thoughts inside your head.

[lm21074]

Hey TS!

I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling with a bout of the blues. I thought I'd share some practical strategies that might help you:
- Yoga, meditation, deep breathing, and positive affirmations - there are heaps of videos on YouTube that can guide you. (I like this positive affirmations video)
- Exercise.
- Listening to music. This can be really cathartic. (I'd recommend searching YouTube for Disney instrumental music. It's really nice! )
- Make time for the things you enjoy. Go do the things you love, and don't let your mood stop you!

Always remember that you are strong. You can go over those obstacles, tomatosauce! We're all right here with you.
Good luck for Year 11 next year.
<3

[Bri MT]

Thank you for your trust.

My mum studied accounting at uni and now works as a tax manager in the city so it's really interesting to me to hear that you want study accounting now.

It seems like you've been struggling with things for long enough to know that there's no magic overnight solution,  but the fact that you're still fighting means something.  I believe in you,  and your ability to get out of this headspace, and your ability to become a chartered accountant.  We're privileged that you've decided to share your journey with us & I hope you know that you have our support.

I hope that if you aren't already that you find professional support too - if you're not sure how to connect to that we can definitely provide guidance to point you in that direction. 


For the record,  I don't think you were stupid to think that next year might be easier.

talking about me

In year 9 I wasn't in a great place & my science teacher told me I wouldn't cope with VCE. In year 11 I had that teacher for 3/4 bio and became the first student at my school to get a 47. Year 11 was definitely easier for me. 

I'm glad English has been a positive and I hope that you find many more in the future!

[Aaron]

While it is wonderful that you have reached out and so many people are willing to assist you (nothing against that folks), it may be worth having a chat with a professional in this space, if these thoughts continue. That way, you can address these head-on and move towards a happier you Just thought that i'd mention it given only miniturtle has mentioned it so far.

As a registered teacher I am aware of my duty of care regarding students, so i'm recommending this both for myself but also as it's probably the best advice I can give. A professional who is trained in this is best suited to give advice and assist with helping move forward.

[Poet]

I’m writing this so I have somewhere to talk about what's going on… I'm really struggling at the moment.  I was inspired by Poet's open and truthful well-being journal so here I am! I hope this is okay... and for those who don't want to hear the negative rant thats coming... you might want to close this now!
...
Anyay... today. I felt like shit. I look like shit. Today was a low day. Except for English. If I must find a positive, it's English! We had the last 2 periods of a 4-period assessment task… I went in with half my introduction written, worked my bum off the whole time and ended the period with an almost-finished essay to hand in at the end. It wasn't the best I could have written and it wasn't finished… but I feel like it was step 1 in overcoming my fear of failure and silencing my inner perfectionist.
...
Wow... that was a lot longer and more open than I was expecting!

(Sorry I'm a little late for this!)

English sounds great! Good girl. Always fight to find the positives.
I'm glad I could help encourage you to open up - my journal really helps me when I just need to vent

As Aaron and miniturtle have pointed out, this looks like you need someone to talk to who will help you - professionally. You have sleeping pills (and antidepressants?), so I'm assuming you already have at least a GP diagnosis, if not a psychiatrist diagnosis and recommendation, to get those. If you go to a GP and get referrals for psychologist meetings, you can end up with 6-10 discounted sessions per year (which is how long a diagnosis lasts). If you haven't tried this, I seriously recommend it. My psych took me four tries to find, but she's amazing and has really helped me heal and push myself to work through things.

Just remember that academic expectations don't always go the way you plan. Don't give yourself unrealistic goals. Baby steps, little by little. Work it out. You'll get there. We all will. Just remember you're loved and the depression isn't you.
If you ever want to talk, I'll be here. For now, you can do it. Find the positives. Sit in the sun. Give yourself the love you deserve. <3

[tomatosauce]

WOW! You guys are truIy amazing... I can't thank you all enough for being here for me... I needed that yesterday! In response to Aaron, miniturtle and poet, I've been going to a psychologist for 2.5 years now... She's amazing and very good at what she does, but sometimes I need to talk to people closer to my age who are there when I need them! That's you guys - I can't tell you how much I appreciate you all!

LM thank-you so much for the practical advice! I'll definitely try these things!

Next week is exam week - we have 7 exams in 4 days so it will be one hell of a week!
Monday - English & Science
Tuesday - Humanities & Art
Wednesday - Math Methods Tech Enabled & VET Business 1/2
Thursday - Math Methods Tech Free

Anyway... today is a beautiful day here and I am feeling much better than the last few days - long may it last!

[tomatosauce]

Hey again!
I am extremely nervous!!! I hope today's exams go a lot better than the nightmare I just woke up from! Our english exam this morning is half comparative essay, half argument analysis... I have pretty much forgotten how to do comparative and still have no feedback from my teacher on my argument analysis assessment task! In the afternoon we have science and I am beginning to wish I had listened more n laughed less!!! Today is our very last science class, exam, test, ANYTHING! yes i will cartwheel out of it!!
Anyway... all this is making me more nervous and not getting study done... so bye bye AN! until this afternoon!


12:30  - English exam is over. Thank God! I didn't finish either essay... seriously need to work on writing and thinking faster anyway... at least it's done... Science is going to be a nightmare... currently trying to cram a term's worth into my extremely small and barely functioning brain!! Why do they make it so hard to remember?

[tomatosauce]

Well... I'm back! English, Science, Geography and Art down, Maths x2 and Business to go! I love how they leave the best till last!!!
I already posted about English so here we go...

Science: The exam was HUGE like soooooo long... only one person finished (my year-and-one-month-younger sister ... I am trying not to be mad about it! ) It was really weird... lots of stuff that we haven't studied... I think they are intending to review it when marking so hopefully that ends favourably Anyway.... I can't decide whether I are  or not cos its my last science exam ever! #highlightoftheweek

yesterday afternoon was a bit of a fail! I went shopping until about 4:30... came home and picked up a book. big mistake. ... somewhere around 5:30 I fell asleep and only woke up at 8pm I had tea and did a TINY bit of revision before going back to my book... only finished it and went to sleep at midnight.😫🤔another big mistake! therefore very tired today

Geography: I was nervous as hell and felt extremely unprepared but it went surprisingly well! I am sure my prayers were the only reason it worked... I literally wrote flat out the whole 90 minutes! (I usually have a throbbing, aching hand after 10 minutes!!) I didn't leave anything blank and finished with one minute to go! I was ecstatic and it definitely gave be a boost for art this afternoon!

Art: The actual exam was MUCH easier than the near-impossible practice exam! The final design/drawing we were required to do was a set of fish/bird-themed children's cutlery... I was really pleased with how my design turned out after a kinda-awesome random idea popped into my head at thee last minute! I literally drew until the last minute and only JUST got it finished as the time was up. Phew!

Tomorrow is Methods Tech Enabled 🤞😉and then Business😬... lets hope it goes okay!
Love you guys! 🤗

[tomatosauce]

Well... today went surprisingly well! 😯😃👍 Maths Tech Enabled was actually really good fun! (Somewhat stressful fun but yeh! 🤔) I remembered how to do everything but the last question (seven marks) 😏 and finished right as time was up! Business was scarily easy! I struggled to remember the answer for one question and finally remembered and wrote it at the end but other than that it was all topics/questions I'd covered in revision! I was finished with half an hour to go 😲 which kinda scared me so I went over it a heap more times to check if I'd missed something or done something COMPLETELY wrong... but I think it was just shorter and easier than most of our exams because all of the class finished early!🤞😊 I can't believe I have one short (1h15m) exam to go tomorrow and then I'm done year 10! oh yeh... except for the excursion to melb on friday! but that's only us 6 yr 9/10 girls so it'll b more of a party!!😄🎉🎊Then the next two weeks are ESP for year 11! I sooooooo can't believe I'm almost VCE!😨😨😨