Free AOS essay Marking!

[katie,rinos]

Hey all, in 48 hours from now we will be locking these marking threads for the trial period. The two main reasons being, we want to be able to help lots of students in the time it takes to mark an essay/creative (usually 30-45 minutes at least) while lots of students need the help during trials, and also because feedback becomes less constructive with minimal time until the exam because we want to avoid panicking you with big changes, so the feedback isn't as worthwhile for you.

Not to fear - you still have 48 hours to post your work and we will get to marking them even after the threads are locked (if there's backlog).

We'll still be here to help you during the trials with all of our Q+A threads, downloadable notes, thesis statement feedback and so on. Thanks for understanding! We're still here to help on all of the boards that aren't marking threads!

Hey Elyse,
When will the essay threads be locked until? Also, would I be able to post a paragraph of my discovery essay, fixed with Jamon's feedback tomorrow night to see if I have been improving and to get that looked over? (would it count toward my post limit if it is only one paragraph?)
Thanks so much

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey Elyse,
When will the essay threads be locked until? Also, would I be able to post a paragraph of my discovery essay, fixed with Jamon's feedback tomorrow night to see if I have been improving and to get that looked over? (would it count toward my post limit if it is only one paragraph?)
Thanks so much

Threads will likely be locked until Wednesday night - You can definitely post a paragraph tomorrow night before the thread locks on Friday! Won't count towards your post count

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey guys,
so here's my essay, i feel like its too way long (we have 40 mins to write it) i want to shorten it but idk how to shorten it cos i feel like everything is important
so when you mark it can u pls tell me if i should get rid of bits here and there
i feel like my linking and topic sentences are weak, how can i overcome that
also i feel like im not answering the question properly
even if you feel like iv done a small mistake pls tell me cos i want to perfect this essay
THANKS SO MUCH GUYS!!
ps it'd be amazing if i can get feedback asap ( my trial is on Monday, so i want some time to memorize it)

Hey! Your essay is attached with feedback in bold

Essay with Feedback

To what extent do the texts you have studied reveal both the emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the experience of discovering?
In your response, refer to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.

Discoveries can offer an individual fresh insights and ideas which enable speculation about future possibilities. The significance of discoveries, whether deliberate or by chance, is relative to the measure in which it affects meaningful change in one's perception of themselves and their life. Really cool introduction! Perceptive, clever. But I'm not sure if it is linking to the question as explicitly as I would like, it definitely answers the question but it could do so more directly. Such ideas are demonstrated in the poems Mending Wall and After apple picking composed by Robert Frost. The poem, Mending Wall showcases the nature of a planned encounter with a neighbor, but through the steadfast insistence of barriers, the persona acknowledges the selfish, possessive human condition provoked by the attitude towards the process of discovering. You don't need to delve into the plot of your text, just introduce it and run through (very quickly) the themes it addresses and the perspective it communicates! In Robert Frost’s poem, “After Apple Picking”, through spiritual discovery one comes to acknowledge the unexpected moment of rejecting planned achievements and goals inherent to human life. Similarly, these concepts are explored in Shawn Tan’s illustrative publication The Red Tree. In exploring this text it is evident that discoveries change people in a range of ways, and that these changes impact how we understand ourselves and the world. Through the study of Frost’s poetry as well as Tan’s illustrative narrative, one comes to a greater understanding of the emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the experience of discovering. Overall, a very effective introduction. I'd like your Thesis linked to the question a bit more explicitly, and you could introduce the texts more succinctly to save yourself some words.

Dependent on an individual’s context, the paradoxical nature of realizations enables the progression of an individual. The poem Mending Wall by Robert Frost portrays both the realization of human condition for a possessive and selfish nature, inviting the responder to make their own discovery through introspection of their own ‘walls’ and ‘barriers’. A slight expression issue in the first half of that sentence, but the idea presented is really cool - Like how the audience is included in the introduction. Works well. ‘The wall’ itself is symbolic of the barriers in society, between people. The building of the wall metaphorically symbolizes the barriers in society between different people, classes, segregation. Those two sentences say the same thing, slightly redundant? The poem questions barriers, the persona comes to the discovery that they have their strengths and weaknesses, while the neighbor holds on to the idea that they are positive. Don't explore what happens to the characters - This is retell! This challenge to the orthodox is presented through the analogy of rebuilding a boundary fence with a neighbor – ‘Good fences make good neighbors.” Slightly tending towards retell still. The repetitive rhetoric allows the responders to ruminate a ‘norm’ which is often followed thoughtlessly and lacking reason, revealing both the emotional and intellectual attitude evoked by process of discoveries, be it for the first time or rediscovering something. Analysis is good in this paragraph, but could be better, slightly too text focused!

Often, different types of discovery intertwine together and are employed by composers to provoke responders into new emotional and intellectual responses through the process of discovering. 'Composers use discovery to provoke responders to responses through discovery' - Something a bit off about this topic sentence? Frost, in Mending Wall highlights that discoveries and discovering can offer new understandings and renewed perceptions of ourselves and others. “Good fences make good neighbors”- the persona and his neighbor repeat these aphorisms toward one another. What is the technique? Remember, it isn't the persona, it is the composer who made the choice to include it. This further enhances the sense of the barrier between neighbors and the paradox in this contradictory truth elucidates that one has come to speculate about new possibilities, while the other has not. “He will not go beyond his father’s saying...good fences make good neighbors” The neighbor is perceived as simple and backward thinking. Technique? What does it show about Discovery? Frost suggests that by mindlessly repeating the cliché of his father, the neighbor is unable to think beyond what he has been told. These notions allowing both the viewer and persona to gain knowledge about themselves and their surroundings. Not much analysis in this paragraph, no techniques, more of a "This is how the characters interact and what it means. This is okay but definitely not what you are striving for!

Exposure to new challenges provokes a parallel process of self-assessment, stimulating the development of new values. Cool! Again, a good chance to explicitly say this is an example of an intellectual response, link to the question explicitly. Frost’s, After Apple Picking is a poem that draws upon the often unplanned discoveries through capturing the spiritual and intellectual acknowledgment of life and death. Good. The symbolism of the apple represents a number of life goals, including the accomplishment of knowledge, wealth, or achievements. What does it show about Discovery? Try to get to the Discovery link immediately. Yet, the tone and attitude of the persona is one of frustration and self-regret, as he discovers the futility of this repetitive act, “For I have had too much…Of apple-picking: I am overtired…Of the great harvest I myself desired”, as a result of this epiphany, the persona instead reflects upon the goals he had accomplished rather than the opportunities he missed. This sentence is definitely too long, break it up a little! “There were ten thousand thousand fruit to touch, cherish in hand, lift down, and not let fall.” Here, the metaphorical apples become objectives met, actions done, and goals achieved. I feel like your tone in this essay isn't quite right, it feels a bit like a speech or a creative - In that you are dancing around your points a little. Be direct. The metaphorical apples show the audience ____ about discovery. Therefore, his earlier epiphany serves as a catalyst towards enabling the persona to acknowledge an emotional and intellectual sense of accomplishment rather than the assumption of dejection. We're still saying, 'The character experiences this and this shows this.' We need to abstract and look at composer decisions. The persona uncovers through the process of discovery that it is the attitude towards discovery which is most essential. This conclusion exemplifies that you are too text focused - Nothing about the composer, nothing about how Discovery is represented, very much just, "The persona experiences a Discovery." At its core, this is retell.

Emotional and intellectual experiences stimulate the construction of personal ideals and principles by challenging and ultimately reshaping perceptions of the world. Good, explicit link to the question. Good stuff. In After Apple Picking, Robert Frost portrays how the impact of discoveries can be transformative for the individual. “Great harvest”, the positive connotation suggest energy and enthusiasm when slipping into sleep, the persona’s mood changes, however, with the short sentences. This sentence needs a bit of a tidy, feels very choppy and doesn't quite flow. “Went surely to the apple-cider heap” and “For all” which creates pause, to consider whether all the hard work and commitment which consumed the persona was worth the effort. What does it show about Discovery? Get straight to this immediately. The negative connotations express a feeling of failure, a sense of loss. Keep the academic tone, don't omit your conjunctions. The persona discovers, through the act of falling asleep, the positive and negative attitudes towards goal setting. Retell - "The persona did _______." Frost develops his ‘sound of sense’ to convey the lethargy of the persona layering this fatigue with a reference to the skyward pointing ladder that suggests the notion of dying and going to heaven. How does this notion relate to Discovery? Frost suggests that the persona is simply tired to death and this thoughts are lost in a moment of self-indulgence as he feels the ache of physical tiredness and begins to think that his lethargy is a sign that his life may soon be over. Retell, describing the mindset of the character. The persona is physically tired and his attitude towards discovery is one of an introspective look at his life and the goals he had set for himself, this renewed perspective allows the responder to speculate that whether discovering something for the first time or rediscovering something it is emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the experiencing of discovering that allow individuals to reconsider their worlds and values. This last sentence is too long, split it up for clarity!

Furthermore, The Red Tree by Shaun Tan examines how the discovery of one’s self and their world, is portrayed through interest and wonder. Shaun Tan utilizes harsh, monotone representations of the world and minimal language to reflect the protagonist’s journey of self-discovery. Good, this is the first sentence in the response where I truly believe you've completely acknowledged the composer making a choice (using a technique) to represent something to the audience. This is explored through their curiosity, as they continue to pass through the disconnected world she lives in. Retell, don't use character qualities as evidence! Searching for a sense of hope and uncovered truths, similar to the persona’s journey in Mending Wall. Sentence fragment, doesn't make sense by itself. The protagonist’s individuality is portrayed through the low angle shot of the girl and the accompanying metaphor, “the world is a deaf machine.” Good acknowledgement of techniques, what do they show about Discovery specifically?You've linked to individuality, link to Discovery. These aspects of the text, allow the viewer to witness the worlds value of conformity through the use of identical costuming and the denial of individuality, as the protagonist must hide the light bulb; a symbol of hope within her. Bit of retell at the end here. The repetition of her sorrowful facial expressions and fatigued posture, point at her insecurity and depressive nature, portraying her as a weak and inferior character. This is juxtaposed to the last scene where she has witnessed the growth of the red tree, and given hope. Her face simplistically drawn depicts a contented character. This is further emphasized by the light that shines on her, revealing that through her constant inquisitiveness she has witnessed an act of wonder. Hence, allowing her to discover herself apart of the world. Four/five sentences to reach a conclusion on Discovery is definitely too long - If you need to spend this long drawing the link there is a chance the concept isn't powerful enough? You won't have the time to do this sort of work under timed conditions! Tan successfully explores how curiosity and wonder can cause the intellectual and emotional discoveries of one’s self and their world.

Ultimately, Frost in both Mending Wall and After Apple Picking depicts through the contrast of the emotional-intellectual discovery in Mending Wall , the spiritual discovery in After Apple Picking  and Tan in The Red Tree reveal the emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the process of discovering. This conclusion doesn't quite bring everything together as well as I would like, not quite clear exactly what each text contributes? I think it would be worth trimming the body of your response to put a proper conclusion here.

Overall comments:

- Effective ideas and concepts about Discovery on the whole, but they could be linked to the question more effectively at times.
- Word count is over 1300, that is very big, so you'll definitely want to trim - I think basically you want to reduce the number of paragraphs, one paragraph for each poem and one paragraph for the related, this would also achieve a better prescribed/related balance too!
- The way you are approaching your concepts right now is, "Here's what happens to the character, this is what it shows, this is how it relates to Discovery." It is a little indirect and very much "text focused." You need to be direct, and you need to step away from the text a little, focus on the composer not the persona. The persona is just a puppet.

The composer uses TECHNIQUE in QUOTE to demonstrate ________ about Discovery.

That is the sentence structure I should be seeing more of. It takes the one sentence of retell, and then the sentence linking to Discovery, and then maybe a third sentence giving extra detail, and crams it into one super powerful statement. This is what the composer wants to show about intellectual/emotional responses to Discovery, and this is how they show it.

In terms of linking sentences being stronger, it purely needs to reference the question more directly. That will keep you on track more too, keep you from talking about other themes (death, individuality) that don't necessarily answer your question

So in summary - Less retell, more quotes and techniques. Talk about the composer more and the persona less. Use the words from the question in your topic sentences to make sure you are answering the question. And take your paragraphs and blend them together to get one for each poem and one for your related, to achieve a better balance

[Daniyahasan]

Hey! Your essay is attached with feedback in bold

Essay with Feedback

To what extent do the texts you have studied reveal both the emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the experience of discovering?
In your response, refer to your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.

Discoveries can offer an individual fresh insights and ideas which enable speculation about future possibilities. The significance of discoveries, whether deliberate or by chance, is relative to the measure in which it affects meaningful change in one's perception of themselves and their life. Really cool introduction! Perceptive, clever. But I'm not sure if it is linking to the question as explicitly as I would like, it definitely answers the question but it could do so more directly. Such ideas are demonstrated in the poems Mending Wall and After apple picking composed by Robert Frost. The poem, Mending Wall showcases the nature of a planned encounter with a neighbor, but through the steadfast insistence of barriers, the persona acknowledges the selfish, possessive human condition provoked by the attitude towards the process of discovering. You don't need to delve into the plot of your text, just introduce it and run through (very quickly) the themes it addresses and the perspective it communicates! In Robert Frost’s poem, “After Apple Picking”, through spiritual discovery one comes to acknowledge the unexpected moment of rejecting planned achievements and goals inherent to human life. Similarly, these concepts are explored in Shawn Tan’s illustrative publication The Red Tree. In exploring this text it is evident that discoveries change people in a range of ways, and that these changes impact how we understand ourselves and the world. Through the study of Frost’s poetry as well as Tan’s illustrative narrative, one comes to a greater understanding of the emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the experience of discovering. Overall, a very effective introduction. I'd like your Thesis linked to the question a bit more explicitly, and you could introduce the texts more succinctly to save yourself some words.

Dependent on an individual’s context, the paradoxical nature of realizations enables the progression of an individual. The poem Mending Wall by Robert Frost portrays both the realization of human condition for a possessive and selfish nature, inviting the responder to make their own discovery through introspection of their own ‘walls’ and ‘barriers’. A slight expression issue in the first half of that sentence, but the idea presented is really cool - Like how the audience is included in the introduction. Works well. ‘The wall’ itself is symbolic of the barriers in society, between people. The building of the wall metaphorically symbolizes the barriers in society between different people, classes, segregation. Those two sentences say the same thing, slightly redundant? The poem questions barriers, the persona comes to the discovery that they have their strengths and weaknesses, while the neighbor holds on to the idea that they are positive. Don't explore what happens to the characters - This is retell! This challenge to the orthodox is presented through the analogy of rebuilding a boundary fence with a neighbor – ‘Good fences make good neighbors.” Slightly tending towards retell still. The repetitive rhetoric allows the responders to ruminate a ‘norm’ which is often followed thoughtlessly and lacking reason, revealing both the emotional and intellectual attitude evoked by process of discoveries, be it for the first time or rediscovering something. Analysis is good in this paragraph, but could be better, slightly too text focused!

Often, different types of discovery intertwine together and are employed by composers to provoke responders into new emotional and intellectual responses through the process of discovering. 'Composers use discovery to provoke responders to responses through discovery' - Something a bit off about this topic sentence? Frost, in Mending Wall highlights that discoveries and discovering can offer new understandings and renewed perceptions of ourselves and others. “Good fences make good neighbors”- the persona and his neighbor repeat these aphorisms toward one another. What is the technique? Remember, it isn't the persona, it is the composer who made the choice to include it. This further enhances the sense of the barrier between neighbors and the paradox in this contradictory truth elucidates that one has come to speculate about new possibilities, while the other has not. “He will not go beyond his father’s saying...good fences make good neighbors” The neighbor is perceived as simple and backward thinking. Technique? What does it show about Discovery? Frost suggests that by mindlessly repeating the cliché of his father, the neighbor is unable to think beyond what he has been told. These notions allowing both the viewer and persona to gain knowledge about themselves and their surroundings. Not much analysis in this paragraph, no techniques, more of a "This is how the characters interact and what it means. This is okay but definitely not what you are striving for!

Exposure to new challenges provokes a parallel process of self-assessment, stimulating the development of new values. Cool! Again, a good chance to explicitly say this is an example of an intellectual response, link to the question explicitly. Frost’s, After Apple Picking is a poem that draws upon the often unplanned discoveries through capturing the spiritual and intellectual acknowledgment of life and death. Good. The symbolism of the apple represents a number of life goals, including the accomplishment of knowledge, wealth, or achievements. What does it show about Discovery? Try to get to the Discovery link immediately. Yet, the tone and attitude of the persona is one of frustration and self-regret, as he discovers the futility of this repetitive act, “For I have had too much…Of apple-picking: I am overtired…Of the great harvest I myself desired”, as a result of this epiphany, the persona instead reflects upon the goals he had accomplished rather than the opportunities he missed. This sentence is definitely too long, break it up a little! “There were ten thousand thousand fruit to touch, cherish in hand, lift down, and not let fall.” Here, the metaphorical apples become objectives met, actions done, and goals achieved. I feel like your tone in this essay isn't quite right, it feels a bit like a speech or a creative - In that you are dancing around your points a little. Be direct. The metaphorical apples show the audience ____ about discovery. Therefore, his earlier epiphany serves as a catalyst towards enabling the persona to acknowledge an emotional and intellectual sense of accomplishment rather than the assumption of dejection. We're still saying, 'The character experiences this and this shows this.' We need to abstract and look at composer decisions. The persona uncovers through the process of discovery that it is the attitude towards discovery which is most essential. This conclusion exemplifies that you are too text focused - Nothing about the composer, nothing about how Discovery is represented, very much just, "The persona experiences a Discovery." At its core, this is retell.

Emotional and intellectual experiences stimulate the construction of personal ideals and principles by challenging and ultimately reshaping perceptions of the world. Good, explicit link to the question. Good stuff. In After Apple Picking, Robert Frost portrays how the impact of discoveries can be transformative for the individual. “Great harvest”, the positive connotation suggest energy and enthusiasm when slipping into sleep, the persona’s mood changes, however, with the short sentences. This sentence needs a bit of a tidy, feels very choppy and doesn't quite flow. “Went surely to the apple-cider heap” and “For all” which creates pause, to consider whether all the hard work and commitment which consumed the persona was worth the effort. What does it show about Discovery? Get straight to this immediately. The negative connotations express a feeling of failure, a sense of loss. Keep the academic tone, don't omit your conjunctions. The persona discovers, through the act of falling asleep, the positive and negative attitudes towards goal setting. Retell - "The persona did _______." Frost develops his ‘sound of sense’ to convey the lethargy of the persona layering this fatigue with a reference to the skyward pointing ladder that suggests the notion of dying and going to heaven. How does this notion relate to Discovery? Frost suggests that the persona is simply tired to death and this thoughts are lost in a moment of self-indulgence as he feels the ache of physical tiredness and begins to think that his lethargy is a sign that his life may soon be over. Retell, describing the mindset of the character. The persona is physically tired and his attitude towards discovery is one of an introspective look at his life and the goals he had set for himself, this renewed perspective allows the responder to speculate that whether discovering something for the first time or rediscovering something it is emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the experiencing of discovering that allow individuals to reconsider their worlds and values. This last sentence is too long, split it up for clarity!

Furthermore, The Red Tree by Shaun Tan examines how the discovery of one’s self and their world, is portrayed through interest and wonder. Shaun Tan utilizes harsh, monotone representations of the world and minimal language to reflect the protagonist’s journey of self-discovery. Good, this is the first sentence in the response where I truly believe you've completely acknowledged the composer making a choice (using a technique) to represent something to the audience. This is explored through their curiosity, as they continue to pass through the disconnected world she lives in. Retell, don't use character qualities as evidence! Searching for a sense of hope and uncovered truths, similar to the persona’s journey in Mending Wall. Sentence fragment, doesn't make sense by itself. The protagonist’s individuality is portrayed through the low angle shot of the girl and the accompanying metaphor, “the world is a deaf machine.” Good acknowledgement of techniques, what do they show about Discovery specifically?You've linked to individuality, link to Discovery. These aspects of the text, allow the viewer to witness the worlds value of conformity through the use of identical costuming and the denial of individuality, as the protagonist must hide the light bulb; a symbol of hope within her. Bit of retell at the end here. The repetition of her sorrowful facial expressions and fatigued posture, point at her insecurity and depressive nature, portraying her as a weak and inferior character. This is juxtaposed to the last scene where she has witnessed the growth of the red tree, and given hope. Her face simplistically drawn depicts a contented character. This is further emphasized by the light that shines on her, revealing that through her constant inquisitiveness she has witnessed an act of wonder. Hence, allowing her to discover herself apart of the world. Four/five sentences to reach a conclusion on Discovery is definitely too long - If you need to spend this long drawing the link there is a chance the concept isn't powerful enough? You won't have the time to do this sort of work under timed conditions! Tan successfully explores how curiosity and wonder can cause the intellectual and emotional discoveries of one’s self and their world.

Ultimately, Frost in both Mending Wall and After Apple Picking depicts through the contrast of the emotional-intellectual discovery in Mending Wall , the spiritual discovery in After Apple Picking  and Tan in The Red Tree reveal the emotional and intellectual responses provoked by the process of discovering. This conclusion doesn't quite bring everything together as well as I would like, not quite clear exactly what each text contributes? I think it would be worth trimming the body of your response to put a proper conclusion here.

Overall comments:

- Effective ideas and concepts about Discovery on the whole, but they could be linked to the question more effectively at times.
- Word count is over 1300, that is very big, so you'll definitely want to trim - I think basically you want to reduce the number of paragraphs, one paragraph for each poem and one paragraph for the related, this would also achieve a better prescribed/related balance too!
- The way you are approaching your concepts right now is, "Here's what happens to the character, this is what it shows, this is how it relates to Discovery." It is a little indirect and very much "text focused." You need to be direct, and you need to step away from the text a little, focus on the composer not the persona. The persona is just a puppet.

The composer uses TECHNIQUE in QUOTE to demonstrate ________ about Discovery.

That is the sentence structure I should be seeing more of. It takes the one sentence of retell, and then the sentence linking to Discovery, and then maybe a third sentence giving extra detail, and crams it into one super powerful statement. This is what the composer wants to show about intellectual/emotional responses to Discovery, and this is how they show it.

In terms of linking sentences being stronger, it purely needs to reference the question more directly. That will keep you on track more too, keep you from talking about other themes (death, individuality) that don't necessarily answer your question

So in summary - Less retell, more quotes and techniques. Talk about the composer more and the persona less. Use the words from the question in your topic sentences to make sure you are answering the question. And take your paragraphs and blend them together to get one for each poem and one for your related, to achieve a better balance

hey Jamon,
thanks so much
ill definately take on board your feedback
im so glad you told me where i was wrong otherwise i thought my essay was fine and id just get a shitty mark
thank you:)

[felixbread]

Hi, could someone please help me with the structuring and expression of my essay to get from 14/15 to full marks? thank you!

[katie,rinos]

Threads will likely be locked until Wednesday night - You can definitely post a paragraph tomorrow night before the thread locks on Friday! Won't count towards your post count

Thanks so much Jamon!! Your feedback has been so helpful. I've tried to rewrite one of the paragraphs on the poems and take in all your comments as I was writing this. Could you please tell me if this has improved (it has definitely helped with the word count )? I'm a little concerned about my links to discovery as I think that they are a bit weak. My paragraph is about 200 words-is this an ok amount or is this too short?

Spoiler

Throughout the poem, Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening, the persona discovers new perspectives on the world around him, which are both emotionally and spiritually meaningful. The poem uses the form of a dramatic monologue to give a personal perspective which further allows the audience to empathise with the personas situation. The alliteration of ‘the only other sound’s the sweep of easy wind and downy flake’, reinforces the danger that the persona is in, expressing that discoveries may lull us into a false sense of security. This is similarly achieved through the metaphorical qualities of ‘snow’ in the quote, ‘watch his woods fill up with snow’ which portrays an image of death, and shows how discoveries may be confronting and provocative. The line ‘he will not see me stopping here’ conveys the man’s wish to be alone and able to reflect without all the distractions of everyday life, therefore showing that the persona’s discovery is spiritual meaningful (Can you find any techniques in this quote or should I just put a different quote in?). Frost use of visual imagery to show that the ‘woods are lovely, dark and deep’ is contrasted with the abruptness of the phrase ‘I have promises to keep’, conveying that discoveries can change an individual’s mindset therefore impacting their reaction to the discovery.

[jamonwindeyer]

Hi, could someone please help me with the structuring and expression of my essay to get from 14/15 to full marks? thank you!

Hey felixbread! Welcome to the forums!! Our essay marking rules, which you can read here, require 25 posts on ATAR Notes for you to get feedback for this piece. The marking threads are swamped for Trials and this is our way of prioritising hope to see you posting around more!

[fantasticbeasts3]

will this count towards my essay posts?? just need to check if i'm doing this "right" because i feel like my whole paragraph is just quotes.

Spoiler

In Away, the voyage of discovery begins through the act of going on holiday as part of a tradition of going away for the summer. Gwen begins as an ignorant and materialistic person, uncaring about others and reliant on social standing. This is shown through Gwen’s defensiveness of the word ‘fun,’ expressed through repetition, “Fun. Now there’s a good word. Fun. It doesn’t seem much fun.” Gwen is bitter about the idea of going on holiday for enjoyment, however, the audience realises her motive for going on a holiday, where Jim expresses Gwen’s plans “are for all of us.” Similarly, Coral begins as ignorant and isolated as a result of grief. This is expressed through a simile, depicting the effect of Coral’s grief on Roy, where he states that he “can’t go turning up at school functions with you if you’re going to behave like a ghost.” The reason for her grief is revealed as in Roy’s anger, he says that “We are not the first people in the history of the world to lose a son in war.” Despite saying she will have a “wonderful, wonderful time,” Coral remains emotionally distant from others where she keeps talking about the “high standard of living in the country.” Therefore, going on holiday begins the journey of discovery which is yet to transform Gwen and Coral.

[jamonwindeyer]

Thanks so much Jamon!! Your feedback has been so helpful. I've tried to rewrite one of the paragraphs on the poems and take in all your comments as I was writing this. Could you please tell me if this has improved (it has definitely helped with the word count )? I'm a little concerned about my links to discovery as I think that they are a bit weak. My paragraph is about 200 words-is this an ok amount or is this too short?

Hey! Let's take a look (200 words is a good length I think!):

Spoiler

Throughout the poem, Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening, the persona discovers new perspectives on the world around him, which are both emotionally and spiritually meaningful. A little text focused in the introduction, but it still establishes the theme. I think it works well! The poem uses the form of a dramatic monologue to give a personal perspective which further allows the audience to empathise with the personas situation. Excellent work there. The alliteration of ‘the only other sound’s the sweep of easy wind and downy flake’, reinforces the danger that the persona is in, expressing that discoveries may lull us into a false sense of security. Fabulous, could that quote be trimmed a little? This is similarly achieved through the metaphorical qualities of ‘snow’ in the quote, ‘watch his woods fill up with snow’ which portrays an image of death, and shows how discoveries may be confronting and provocative. Excellent stuff. The line ‘he will not see me stopping here’ conveys the man’s wish to be alone and able to reflect without all the distractions of everyday life, therefore showing that the persona’s discovery is spiritual meaningful (Can you find any techniques in this quote or should I just put a different quote in?). I'd go a different quote, because you've also analysed it in a very text focused way, see how you spend more time talking about the man rather than Discovery more broadly? Frost use of visual imagery to show that the ‘woods are lovely, dark and deep’ is contrasted with the abruptness of the phrase ‘I have promises to keep’, conveying that discoveries can change an individual’s mindset therefore impacting their reaction to the discovery. Great paragraph, make sure to conclude it! Even something simple, "Thus, it is clear how ______."

Wow, what an incredible improvement! Great work Katie, this is a fantastic paragraph. Watch that little bit of retell in the middle - Also try and include the audience impact a little more obviously now and again, is the audience made to be receptive? Does the idea challenge our perceptions? This is a nitpick though, I think this is great!

[jamonwindeyer]

will this count towards my essay posts?? just need to check if i'm doing this "right" because i feel like my whole paragraph is just quotes.

Nah

Spoiler

In Away, the voyage of discovery begins through the act of going on holiday as part of a tradition of going away for the summer. Gwen begins as an ignorant and materialistic person, uncaring about others and reliant on social standing. We've started with a bit of retell of the story - Try to be more conceptual and abstract. What themes are being conveyed? What perspective on Discovery? This is shown through Gwen’s defensiveness of the word ‘fun,’ expressed through repetition, “Fun. Now there’s a good word. Fun. It doesn’t seem much fun.” Gwen is bitter about the idea of going on holiday for enjoyment, however, the audience realises her motive for going on a holiday, where Jim expresses Gwen’s plans “are for all of us.” This is reading more like an analysis of the character than a Discovery paragraph - You need to be continually linking back to Discovery and linking to techniques communicating ideas to the audience! Similarly, Coral begins as ignorant and isolated as a result of grief. Retell. This is expressed through a simile, depicting the effect of Coral’s grief on Roy, where he states that he “can’t go turning up at school functions with you if you’re going to behave like a ghost.” But what does it show about Discovery? You could also trim the quote if you like, only the last few words are actually the simile. The reason for her grief is revealed as in Roy’s anger, he says that “We are not the first people in the history of the world to lose a son in war.” Technique? Despite saying she will have a “wonderful, wonderful time,” Coral remains emotionally distant from others where she keeps talking about the “high standard of living in the country.” Just as a point to make it easy to tell if you aren't analysing, if you are quoting characters without saying the composers name, chances are you are retelling! Therefore, going on holiday begins the journey of discovery which is yet to transform Gwen and Coral. This paragraph is mostly focused on retell, see below:

Okay, so I'm going to actually do something I don't normally do here - Your paragraph is heavily text focused, reads more like retell and character analysis than conceptual analysis. The ideas are hidden within but the approach needs some adjusting!

I hope you don't mind me using your essay as an example katie;rinos, but this essay here exhibits the exact the same issues as your paragraph, fantasticbeasts3. What I want you to do is read that essay, read the feedback I gave it, then read this paragraph Katie submitted above. Look at how the approach was changed from text/character focused, to composer/technique focused, and how much more powerful the analysis became as a result.

It's timely - I think Katie has done an incredible job transforming her piece, and I believe your approach needs to change in exactly the same way!

PS - To anyone reading, if it's ever unclear why we make this feedback public, this is why. You guys can learn from each other far more effectively than you could ever learn from us

[katie,rinos]

Hey! Let's take a look (200 words is a good length I think!):

Spoiler

Throughout the poem, Stopping by the Woods on a Snowy Evening, the persona discovers new perspectives on the world around him, which are both emotionally and spiritually meaningful. A little text focused in the introduction, but it still establishes the theme. I think it works well! The poem uses the form of a dramatic monologue to give a personal perspective which further allows the audience to empathise with the personas situation. Excellent work there. The alliteration of ‘the only other sound’s the sweep of easy wind and downy flake’, reinforces the danger that the persona is in, expressing that discoveries may lull us into a false sense of security. Fabulous, could that quote be trimmed a little? This is similarly achieved through the metaphorical qualities of ‘snow’ in the quote, ‘watch his woods fill up with snow’ which portrays an image of death, and shows how discoveries may be confronting and provocative. Excellent stuff. The line ‘he will not see me stopping here’ conveys the man’s wish to be alone and able to reflect without all the distractions of everyday life, therefore showing that the persona’s discovery is spiritual meaningful (Can you find any techniques in this quote or should I just put a different quote in?). I'd go a different quote, because you've also analysed it in a very text focused way, see how you spend more time talking about the man rather than Discovery more broadly? Frost use of visual imagery to show that the ‘woods are lovely, dark and deep’ is contrasted with the abruptness of the phrase ‘I have promises to keep’, conveying that discoveries can change an individual’s mindset therefore impacting their reaction to the discovery. Great paragraph, make sure to conclude it! Even something simple, "Thus, it is clear how ______."

Wow, what an incredible improvement! Great work Katie, this is a fantastic paragraph. Watch that little bit of retell in the middle - Also try and include the audience impact a little more obviously now and again, is the audience made to be receptive? Does the idea challenge our perceptions? This is a nitpick though, I think this is great!

Thanks so much Jamon! Your feedback has helped heaps! I feel a lot more confident now!

[fantasticbeasts3]

hiii i'm back again 😁 i'll be sending this to a teacher anyway, i tried (key word tried) to integrate (i'm so triggered hahahah maths makes me sad) your feedback into my response, jamon, but i can't submit a full essay before 5pm because who knows how long that's going to take.

Spoiler

The process of discovery can be a transformative experience for an individual which can be comforting or confrontational. These discoveries can challenge an individual’s past beliefs, evidenced through the play Away (1986), written by Michael Gow where one of the characters, Gwen, embarks on a journey of discovery where she questions her past values as a result of her discovery of Tom’s illness. In the film The Truman Show (1998), directed by Peter Weir, the protagonist, Truman, confronts the reality of his world, transforming him as he realises the control over his life. Therefore, both texts portray discovery as a transformative experience which can be comforting or confrontational.

In Away, discovery is portrayed as a result of planning through a holiday, as part of a traditional of going away for the summer. One of the characters, Gwen, has meticulously planned her family holiday. This is expressed where Gwen says, “Fun. Now there’s a good word. Fun. It doesn’t seem much fun,” where the use of repetition emphasises her defensiveness of the word ‘fun’ and her rigid stance on social standing, reinforcing the audience’s perception of Gwen’s emotional detachment towards other people. However, the audience and Meg discover the reasons for Gwen’s reliance on social standing when Jim explains Gwen’s past where “We planned our time. We waited. We stuck to our plans like the Bible. And we’re getting there.” The use of truncated sentences emphasises the necessity of plans, providing a renewed perception of Gwen. Another character, Coral, is overwhelmed with grief, expressed through a simile and accumulation, where Roy states that Coral “behave(s) like a ghost… wander(s) around with that smile, staring into the distance, not seeing anyone, ignoring people,” depicting Coral’s disengagement with others. Despite saying she will have a “wonderful, wonderful time” on her holiday, she remains emotionally distant from others, explored through the repetition of the “high standard of living,” portraying her inability to overcome her grief. Therefore, the planning of a holiday in Away is representative of the beginning of the journey of discovery, which is yet to renew Gwen and Coral.

[jamonwindeyer]

hiii i'm back again 😁 i'll be sending this to a teacher anyway, i tried (key word tried) to integrate (i'm so triggered hahahah maths makes me sad) your feedback into my response, jamon, but i can't submit a full essay before 5pm because who knows how long that's going to take.

I've attached your response with feedback in bold! Mine plus your teachers should hopefully be very hopeful

Spoiler

The process of discovery can be a transformative experience for an individual which can be comforting or confrontational. That sentence needs a bit of a pause I think, too much for one breath, comma in the middle somewhere? These discoveries can challenge an individual’s past beliefs, evidenced through the play Away (1986), written by Michael Gow where one of the characters, Gwen, embarks on a journey of discovery where she questions her past values as a result of her discovery of Tom’s illness. Nice introduction of text, but don't go so deep into the plot, try to just say "This is the text and these are the concepts it conveys." In the film The Truman Show (1998), directed by Peter Weir, the protagonist, Truman, confronts the reality of his world, transforming him as he realises the control over his life. Ditto here, don't be plot focused. Be concept focused. Therefore, both texts portray discovery as a transformative experience which can be comforting or confrontational. Solid introduction, perhaps the concepts could be fleshed out a bit more - What determines whether a Discovery is comforting or confrontational?

In Away, discovery is portrayed as a result of planning through a holiday, as part of a traditional of going away for the summer. See how you are saying this element of Discovery is linked to the PLOT? That is not what we are after here, we are after techniques the composer has used to represent/convey Discovery to us. One of the characters, Gwen, has meticulously planned her family holiday. Retell - Avoid retelling the story. This is expressed where Gwen says, “Fun. Now there’s a good word. Fun. It doesn’t seem much fun,” where the use of repetition emphasises her defensiveness of the word ‘fun’ and her rigid stance on social standing, reinforcing the audience’s perception of Gwen’s emotional detachment towards other people. You probably don't actually need the big version of the quote, you could just say, "The use of repetition emphasises her...", we know which word is being repeated. However, the audience and Meg discover the reasons for Gwen’s reliance on social standing when Jim explains Gwen’s past where “We planned our time. We waited. We stuck to our plans like the Bible. And we’re getting there.” Still just retelling the story here. The use of truncated sentences emphasises the necessity of plans, providing a renewed perception of Gwen. I see how you are trying to link the techniques to Discovery, but it is really still just the plot you are talking about with some techniques mixed in. Another character, Coral, is overwhelmed with grief, expressed through a simile and accumulation, where Roy states that Coral “behave(s) like a ghost… wander(s) around with that smile, staring into the distance, not seeing anyone, ignoring people,” depicting Coral’s disengagement with others. This is a little better, but we are still analysing a character rather than a theme/concept - What does this have to do with Discovery? That should be immediately clear to the marker. Despite saying she will have a “wonderful, wonderful time” on her holiday, she remains emotionally distant from others, explored through the repetition of the “high standard of living,” portraying her inability to overcome her grief. Not quite sure if this technique actually accomplishes this? Therefore, the planning of a holiday in Away is representative of the beginning of the journey of discovery, which is yet to renew Gwen and Coral. This conclusion emphasises the issue with this paragraph - You are using the plot to drive your arguments. That is not what you need to do to be analysing, you need to be saying "Here is a technique the composer has used, and this is what that technique does to represent Discovery to the audience.

A little better for sure fantasticbeasts, great inclusion of techniques, but still very text focused! My comments throughout should cover my thoughts, really focus on getting rid of the plot elements and mentioning Discovery as clearly as possible!!

[hansolo9]

I start my trials tomorrow with English, and would like some feedback on my discovery essay (intro+1st body). Thanks

-
The Tempest Essay

Discovery is the most vital aspect of the human experience as it can lead individuals to challenge the present and reconsider the past through the power of reflection. It facilitates renewed perception of the world, which evoke emotional and intellectual discoveries based on personal memories and hindsights. This is evident in Shakespeare's "The Tempest", which highlights the intrinsic effects of reflection as a result of the passing of time in promoting forgiveness over vengeance; and in Tim Burton's Edward Scissorhands, which delves into the unwillingness of society to accept changes to their uniformity due to conflicting views of discovery that lead to the inability of individuals in challenging the present. Ultimately, the transformative powers of discovery allows individuals to reconsider the past and challenge what is known in order to reform our beliefs for the better.

The valued aspect of the human experience is the power of reflection as it promotes the notion of forgiveness. In Act 1 of The Tempest, Shakespeare employs the metaphorical representation of the tempest to depict Prospero's inner turmoil as a result of his past betrayal by his own brother. Prospero's creation of the tempest is aimed to exact vengeance upon his enemies by having "mine enemies brought to this shore". The physical discovery of the island, however, acts as  a catalyst for Alonso to reflect and remorse his past actions against Prospero as he blames himself for the death of his son, Ferdinand. Shakespeare's repetitive use of high modality in Alonso's dialogue "My son is gone...no, no, he is gone." elucidates the profound impact of discovery in provoking Alonso to reconsider the past and challenging the present through his guilt over Ferdinand's death. However, Prospero is also subject to the power of reflection as he uncovers the meaningless of living life in hatred as "It is in virtue of forgiveness rather than vengeance.", realising his own mortality. This clearly emphasises the extent of power that reflection possesses as it encompasses all individuals in reconsidering the past and challenging what is known through transformative process of discovery.

[jamonwindeyer]

I start my trials tomorrow with English, and would like some feedback on my discovery essay (intro+1st body). Thanks

Some super quick pointers (try and give us a bit more notice than the night before if you want something substantial!)

- Thesis feels the slightest bit vague, make sure you tailor it to whatever question is in front of you tomorrow!
- Introduction of texts is nice, analytic and conceptual, good work there.
- Your analysis is quite text focused and slipping a bit into retell at times, try not to talk about what is happening in the text, talk about what we learn about Discovery in a broader sense (not just about the characters, remember they are puppets!)
- Make sure your text references always have a technique attached to them

Good luck for tomorrow!