This post even gets a soundtrack
I need a hobby. Okay so maybe that's not how I should start this. I'm finally starting to worry about results, which sucks. I don't think I'm actually worried about what ATAR I'll get though. I mean, maybe I am, I don't know. But I don't think I am. I think I'm more worried that it'll make this real. That it'll somehow legitimise how I think this year has gone.
-- I'm sorry this entire post is probably going to be as incoherent as the bit above --
So anyway, I'm not really sure what the point of actually posting this is - but I suppose I just want to keep a record of it. I'm actually not really sure how to write what I want to say
#WhyI'mFailingEnglish but I'm gonna try anyway.
Right, so anyway. Legitimising how I think this year has gone. Yeah. So...badly? I suppose. I mean, throughout the year I wasn't trying particularly hard - I'm sure I've said that before. And like, throughout the year I didn't particularly care about that - I knew I wasn't trying very hard, but I also knew that it didn't really matter because I didn't need a high ATAR. I don't need a high ATAR. But also, I don't really know what I've done with this year? Like, if I didn't try particularly hard in school, then what did I do? And I think that's partly because of what I see of people around me. People either do well in school or they don't. But when they don't it's normally justified. They did something else. They didn't do well in school because they were doing something else. Or they didn't do well but it doesn't matter because of something else.
And I don't know what I've been doing. And it's weird. Because throughout the year it felt like I was doing something. But now I can't seem to remember what that was. And, like, my memory sucks so that's probably part of it haha. It feels weird. And confusing.
I'm so used to being tested by tests. I was thinking yesterday, and I was almost...looking forward to doing tests in uni?? And I think that's mostly because I'm still judging myself based on results. And that sucks.
So anyway I should probably get back to what I was talking about and stop rambling. Results. Those horrible things.
So, I don't think I'm going to be surprised by my results. I'm fairly sure I'll get something between 85 and 90, probably closer to the 85 end. (nek minnit I get below 85 lol)
Whoops now I'm actually worried about thatI think it's partly related to things other people have said. But it's also not, because I shouldn't still be worrying about that, and they certainly didn't intend it like that. But here we are. I hate that I'm still worrying about what other people think, and other people's expectations. But I also don't really know how to stop myself from doing that.
I don't really know what to do with myself now. I kinda feel like I'm just wasting my time, kinda just floating along until results get here (but I also don't know what I'm going to do after that). I want to do something. I just don't know what. I feel like I should be working towards something. Now that schools finished I don't really have anything to work towards though. I'm just...existing until the next thing comes along. I suppose there are things I could be doing. I did intend to volunteer somewhere over the holidays. But I haven't. (If I'm being honest, a big part of that is because that would involve talking to people and being social lol.)
I really don't like not having anything to be working on. But I also don't think it's a good idea to always be working on something, gotta be able to relax sometime. I just don't really know how to do that. I don't even really know what I enjoy doing, it's been a long time since I've been able to just have fun.
I used to like sport - specifically swimming. Part of the reason I used to swim a lot was because I've always been forced to. But I do really like being in the water. Maybe I should go scuba diving again - it's so much fun. There's a few problems with that though. a. It's expensive. b. It involves other people. c. I don't know anyone who would go with me so d. It involves strangers. and e. It would involve convincing my mum to drive me to wherever we're diving from.
So maybe I won't be going scuba diving lol.
What else did I used to like? I used to read a lot, like a
lot. Reading feels a bit tedious at the moment though - I still love reading, I'm just not sure I can sit still for more than a couple of hours at a time.
I don't know what else I used to like doing. Cooking? I was thinking that I should make a giant gingerbread house. There's a few problems with that though. a. It would have to be when my siblings aren't around because b. they would get in my way and spend the whole time being annoying/laughing at me/telling me it's a waste of time etc. c. They'd try and steal all the lollies and gingerbread to eat it. and d. I'd probably mess it up and break the whole thing anyway lol
So yeah, I need a hobby. I really don't like doing nothing but I also don't know what to do with my time. And the 14th is gonna suck.
(lol I thought I was done but more rambling)
I actually dunno what I'm going to do that morning. Last year my mother dearest gave me all of 5 min to myself before she came running into my room asking what I got.
good thing she's (hopefully) not reading this anymore lol It's actually kind of annoying that I've been so open about my results so far because everyone's going to expect the same from me this year lol.
I also reckon I'm gonna get an award from my school. I didn't fill in any of my graduation forms and one of them was the rsvp form for the awards morning. It's fairly likely that I'll get the subject award for math - over the last few years only 2 people got over 40 and they were 41/42 so unless there's a big change this year I'll probably get the best score at my school. I might also have a decent chance at getting dux, but I'm a lot more sceptical about that - dux at my school is generally around 90, but I'm pretty sure I know who'll get it this year, and it won't be me. But anyway that's not the point. I actually don't want any of those awards, hence the not filling in the form thing. I don't think I deserve them - there's so many people who've tried harder than I have this year regardless of whether their results reflect that. But the point of this paragraph is back to the whole expectations thing
TM If I get an award then people are going to expect me to go, and I don't want to.
I also think I'm massively overthinking everything lol. But oh well, writing it out helped anyway, even though none of this is actually at all realistic and I'm just worrying over nothing haha. Gotta stop doing that too. I need a hobby. Maybe I should attempt to learn how to play piano again.