The Crucible and To Kill a Mockingbird essay

[jando]

Hey,

I was wondering if someone could have a look at my essay and let me know if there is anything I can improve on.
I haven't done a conclusion yet as I'm not sure if I will have time for one.

Cheers.

[darcyynic]

Hey Jack!

I have just had a read of your essay! I think you have come up with some great ideas and have used some really interesting examples to back yourself up.

I do have a few suggestions in the spoiler:

Spoiler

- Perhaps, rather than having an entire essay only about how the tension between moral integrity and societal reputation proves that significant human experiences come from the interaction between the individual and the collective, try to add at least one more theme in. For example, the desire to express individuality in a society of conformity is another great point which proves that the complex interaction between the individual and the collective creates significant human experiences and it fits both of your texts! Some of the examples you've already used could even be included in this second theme, as they are quite similar ideas. By introducing more than one theme to your essay, I think you'll show the marker that you have a deeper understanding of the two texts.

-  If you do decide to add in more themes to your essay, I would suggest combining the two texts together in a paragraph (which is called integration.) The ideas you have so far could be condensed into one paragraph discussing how both texts prove that the tension between moral integrity and societal reputation create significant human experiences. Then you could have a second paragraph about a different theme (perhaps the one I mentioned before?)  This way, you're not focusing in on only one aspect of the human experience and you're giving a more nuanced discussion!

- You mentioned that you might not have time for a conclusion. Often, if your essay is great, you don't really need an introduction, but I would always recommend trying to squeeze one in if you can! In order to do that, you might need to cut down on some of the detail you have in your paragraphs. Your discussion of Proctor, for example, is great, but not all of the detail you've included is entirely necessary. If you cut down on some of the superfluous explanation, you'll have more time.

- I think your thesis needs to be a little more related to the question, especially if you are going to add in another theme. I really like what you have so far, but perhaps you could reword it to say something like, "In a society where reputation can be the determinant for an individual's success, the human experience involves choosing between the preservation of individual values and the collective's expectations." This thesis addresses the question a little more and also gives you more room to discuss a second theme.

- Also, is the quote in your introduction from the question or something you've added in? I think it is a really interesting quote, but I wouldn't recommend starting your introduction with it, start with your own ideas instead. If it's from the question, then I would suggest integrating it into your paragraphs/introduction a little later.

All in all, your ideas were fantastic! Just try to add in at least one more theme if you can and integrate those paragraphs and that'll boost your marks! Your ideas are so insightful and you should be very proud of yourself. Feel free to send me an updated draft or any other questions!

Darcy.

[jando]

Thanks Darcy, I'll have a look at how I can integrate these into my essay now. The quote was something that I thought was interesting and might be relevant to the theme I was discussing, should I just leave it out then or put it somewhere else?

Cheers,
Jack

[darcyynic]

Thanks Darcy, I'll have a look at how I can integrate these into my essay now. The quote was something that I thought was interesting and might be relevant to the theme I was discussing, should I just leave it out then or put it somewhere else?

Cheers,
Jack

No worries! Glad I could help. And I would suggest leaving it out! I think a quote like that is more suited to a presentation as opposed to an essay.

Let me know if you have any more questions.

[jando]

Hey Darcy,

I followed your advice and incorporated a second theme into my essay, whilst attempting to integrate both texts into the same paragraph and I was wondering if you could have a read over it. I'm not sure if my first paragraph is too long and if so what can I do about it?

Thanks heaps,
Jack

[darcyynic]

Hey Darcy,

I followed your advice and incorporated a second theme into my essay, whilst attempting to integrate both texts into the same paragraph and I was wondering if you could have a read over it. I'm not sure if my first paragraph is too long and if so what can I do about it?

Thanks heaps,
Jack

Hello again,

So I have just read over the second essay and it is so much better. Great improvement. I love that you used integration!

Here is a link to a google doc with some suggestions + comments. I have made some grammatical edits which are not marked, but my bigger edits are suggested in green. Some comments and general advice are highlighted in yellow.

https://docs.google.com/document/d/1D1YvmDPcuNA0H29D_i2z9hsHIbllrbOZPq68FM5nc1Q/edit?usp=sharing

Great work!