Discovery Creative - The Book

[username2000]

Hey,
Can someone please check this ? no rush
its practice creative writing and ive got heaps more if you feel like marking them!! just not sure whats the limit with posting!
thanks

[KT Nyunt]

Hey,
Can someone please check this ? no rush
its practice creative writing and ive got heaps more if you feel like marking them!! just not sure whats the limit with posting!
thanks

Overall, I think you’ve characterised the main protagonist very well – in the second paragraph especially as we begin to see her imaginative, child-like tendencies. The writing itself is good, (have a look at some of the comments I’ve made in the attachment) you have a good narrator voice and you’ve got great use of syntax where some sentences are shorter than others – it’s very effective. Also, your use of imagery and descriptive language is great – it’s not too much (often you can get very carried away with describing things) it’s juuust right. Although, my main concerns would be:

1)   Length - less than 600 words is a bit short. To lengthen it, think about having more character development: does Sarah go through a transformation after she continued to read the book? She could have a discovery which strips her childish innocence for example (which could contrast what you’ve written so far, exhibiting a transformation). This could lead to her gaining a greater understanding of her brother’s lack of whimsy (this also includes more rubric points)
2)   The discovery is a little inconsistent, you’ve named your creative ‘the book’, although said book is nowhere to be found in the second paragraph. Although your descriptive language is great and you really build Sarah’s character here, it almost seems like it belongs in a different creative and you go off on a bit of a tangent. Perhaps she reads a sentence from the book that stimulated the idea of what it would be like to be a cat… that’s not the best idea but you get what I mean.

I hope this helps! I would be more than happy to read any more creatives you have
KT

[KT Nyunt]

Sorry! I just realised I haven't included the attachment!

Here you go

[andrewe2018]

This is really good! Keep up the good work. 

[username2000]

Sorry! I just realised I haven't included the attachment!

Here you go

thanks a lot KT Nyunt that feedback is really useful...where the narrator changes is where the character starts reading the book but ill change the first paragraph to first person. How many words do you think is ideal for <40 mins? I generally tend to go on way too long for creative. Would it be ok if I attach some more stories for someone to edit do you think?

[KT Nyunt]

thanks a lot KT Nyunt that feedback is really useful...where the narrator changes is where the character starts reading the book but ill change the first paragraph to first person. How many words do you think is ideal for <40 mins? I generally tend to go on way too long for creative. Would it be ok if I attach some more stories for someone to edit do you think?

How fast can you write in 40 mins?
My creatives are normally between 800 -1000 words. But I like to prepare my creatives and I memorise them word for word (I find that the more I know it, the more I can write and thus the more time I also have to adapt it to a stimulus)

You said that the narrative voice changes when the character starts reading the book... maybe make that more explicit so your reader can follow along

And I'm sure it's fine for you to post more of your creatives... I say go ahead!