Free AOS Creative Writing Marking!

[Mathew587]

Hey there! I really apologise for having let this slip through. Not on my a-game, but hopefully this is handy for you!

Spoiler

Creative v3
David didn’t want to be here. He felt like Joe Hockey at an anti-budget protest, misplaced into an ideology which he couldn't accept. hahahahaha
“Honey, I need your help. I know you don’t understand these people but they need our help and so do I. There’s no way I’ll be able to carry the soup.” said Angie, his girlfriend and the leader of the soup kitchen.
They need our help and so do I"...is this supposed to be, "they need your help and so do I?"
 “Why didn’t you just ask someone else? You know very well that these people are fake. They’re not refugees. It’s their fault that a war happened in their country and all they bring to our shore is trouble.” David spat back. “They don’t deserve to be here.”
Angie looked deep into David’s eyes and he knew that he had hurt her.
“What about me? I’m the daughter of refugees. Don’t I deserve to be here?” she whispered quietly before picking up 3 packets of whole meal bread and walking to the hall.
“But Angie, you’re different...” he proclaimed as he tried to mend a broken situation but he knew he had gone to her. "He knew he had gone to her." Doesn't sound like it makes sense to me. Lately his work had been getting to him and had deeply impacted his relationship. The only reason why he had agreed to come was to attempt to fix their broken relationship and so far he hadn’t done a good job of that.
---
He ladled into a plastic bowl a rich stew of leeks, potatoes and carrots before handing it to the old lady in front of him. It was a temperate and mild day but the old woman donned several layers of thick, cheap and unbranded clothing, hiding her decaying and dying soul within.
“Thank you very much son!” she proclaimed before scuttling to Angie who placed a piece of Lebanese bread before starting small talk with her. After dialogue, this is a very long instruction of action. I'd consider breaking this up so it can all be processed. It just changes the balance of the sentence, and the dialogue no longer is prominent because the end is so heavy. Also, placed a piece of Lebanese bread before... placed it where? on what?
In many ways, they were polar opposites. She was notably more kind and compassionate whereas David was known to be much more moody.
He looked around with a fresh set of eyes. Many huddled around the seats and ate quietly whispering amongst themselves. Others were notably raucous and noisier. But they all seemed to appreciate the opportunity given to them. They lined neatly behind each other, the line extending through the hall and out the door, like a small ant march.
“Are these people really good?” David thought “Or are they no better than ants that come at night and eat out of pantry, leaving only a trail of destruction behind?”
Suddenly, he looked around to the raucous music which bad had* escalated to a scuffle near the end of the line.
He saw Angie rushing off and quietly followed her.
---
Fists flew violently as five men set upon each other. Apparently, they seemed Choose apparently, or seemed. Apparently and seemed together doesn't make sense unless it is of the view of someone else that something seemed something. "Apparently it seemed to me that..." doesn't work, but "apparently,
 it seemed to Jamie like..." to be fighting over their location in the line and the argument had progressed to a scuffle.
“Get out… I was here first”, yelled a man only to receive a solid thus thud*? to the left of his face before returning it to the man. I like this: returning it to the man.
“Oi! Calm down!” David yelled as he tried to calm the situation. Two other men who worked in the soup kitchen assisted David by trying to calm the situation.
After a while, all that remained were bloodied faces and a broken arm. However from amongst the growing crowd, David heard a cry from a girl.
“Hey what happened? Where’s your mom?” David asked out of concern. Angie appeared and attempted to console the girl who had fallen.
“I don’t have a mum. I don’t know where my dad is.” she cried incessantly so much that she gasped after each word.
David was taken back. No mother? For such a young girl? What horrors must she have faced to be in such a situation?
He looked at the girl. She was young but had the eyed seen one those who had seen a lot.
“Leila, there you are!” shouted a man who came running.
“Thank you so much Angie. I don’t know what I would have done without her. I thought I lost her too.” the man said as he began to sob. Leila clung tightly to her father’s leg and began to calm down.
He looked at Angie who was smiling and saw David looking at her. She smiled back, knowing that he understood why she worked here. She worked for the children in this situation. She used to be in a similar situation to them. And she had felt a responsibility to help them. These people deserved a second chance and that’s all that mattered.

There are a few technical things in there that I think I've adjusted throughout so they should be good to go with adjustments The discovery is there and the discovery is strong, which is great. I can see it in a lot of ways. There's a few little things that leave me, a skeptical reader, not buying it 100%. For example, the part where he says something so insensitive about refugees at the beginning. He says they aren't real refugees, and the woman who is of the parents of a real refugee is offended - when if anything, he was saying that these people are not of the same deserving calibre as her parents. And she spells it back to him obviously. I think instead, he might say something like, "You go through a hard time and just show up and get five star treatment? What makes them deserve that?" Then maybe the woman's reaction would be more justified and the entire thing less spelled out. The other part for me is that David seems to be incredibly naive - he's surprised a refugee doesn't have a mum? I like the humour at the start about Morrison, and maybe you could use this as a lead in for David's own ideologies. Perhaps we could focus more on him refusing to give in to humanity, and only wants to focus on the economics of it all, but in the end he can't bear to ignore the human empathy that this situation clearly evokes? I think the piece of the plot that's missing is that layer of motive for David in his beliefs - what makes him this way?

I hope this doesn't sound too harsh - and I'd be really happy to hear back from you what you think. The story is one that I would give a low band 5 to, I think. so it's not by any means crappy, I just think to elevate it there could be that extra layer, plus an extra layer of believability that will come with it - so I,
 as a reader, can have empathy for David's discovery.

Hey Elyse ,
"He says they aren't real refugees, and the woman who is of the parents of a real refugee is offended - when if anything, he was saying that these people are not of the same deserving calibre as her parents. And she spells it back to him obviously. I think instead, he might say something like, "You go through a hard time and just show up and get five star treatment? What makes them deserve that?" Then maybe the woman's reaction would be more justified and the entire thing less spelled out."

For that part, his girlfriend is meant to be Vietnamese thus alluding to the Vietnam War and how her parents had to escape for a better life which he can't see being reflected in these refugees. I totally understand what you meant there and I'll defs fix that up

"The other part for me is that David seems to be incredibly naive - he's surprised a refugee doesn't have a mum?"

This part is meant to highlight the surprising and challenging part to a discovery i.e. how he realises how tough life must be for the child without a mother and its meant to lead David into a realization of the troubles they face.

“I like the humor at the start about Morrison, and maybe you could use this as a lead in for David's own ideologies. Perhaps we could focus more on him refusing to give in to humanity, and only wants to focus on the economics of it all, but in the end he can't bear to ignore the human empathy that this situation clearly evokes"

yay haha. Greaat idea btw on how to build David's character ^^)

Wow no it's not harsh I was hoping for such criticism!! Yeah i totally see how that low b5 is justified.
Thanks again for the help Elyse

[12070]

Hey 12070, I'll have a look at this I remember the compass too well, possibly it's the stimulus I chose for my HSC, but I can't remember.

What do you think?

Hey Elyse, this feedback is exceptional (as always). I don't know why I chose a fly but I can't really think of anything that fits. Also, for the second last sentence, I was thinking that if you were to walk directly to the North pole, after you passed, you would be walking South? So life can't be positive forever basically. I don't think I've ever used a compass but I assume that's what would happen. Although, I doubt we will get another compass stimulus so I won't stress about it. I'll work on Age's character now and I do like your idea at the end so that has given me a bit add in.

Thank you!

[jamonwindeyer]

Finished before the end of the week, as promised (although I was really cutting it close not going to lie)

It's actually so nerve-wracking to submit something that everyone can see. I'm not a very good writer (I'm a creative thinker, but find it hard to put stuff into words) and am much better at essays. Constructive criticism is always good :-) and this is totally unedited.

Hey hey! I'd love to give you some feedback I'll pop comments throughout then I'll answer your questions below

story here

Australia.

Year 10 Geography taught me that urban decline is the deterioration of the inner city, most of the time, seen in buildings.

Year 10 Geography had a compulsory excursion (something I definitely didn’t look forward to), which required the year to look at the local area, and examine places that had urban decline. I like this introduction! Establishes an academic, insightful voice quite quickly.

I don’t know what I was expecting - ruins? Buildings that were half up, half down, like the Parthenon, or even the Colosseum? What I did see, however, were buildings that were still standing. I think the expression needs a tiny bit of work - This is reading like a monologue, a train of thought. When you are thinking things in your head, do you add "however" to it? Nope, it is much more freeform! Try and loosen up your expression a tad to make it a tad more realistic. Across the back of these buildings was black, slowly creeping around the edges of some buildings, showing evidence of some sort of decay. Brick buildings were not exactly red, but washed out, as a result of many years of use.

Urban decline? Nothing but a concept. Interesting introduction! Interested to see why this voice is rejecting the idea of urban decline.
*****

Indonesia.

Stepping off the plane, I could feel the density of the air, constantly thickening, another layer on top of my skin, constantly thickening as I walked through the airport. Repetition of descriptors in this way can work but it feels a little clunky here in my opinion - I'm always told (and I agree) that writers use too many adjectives - I don't think this last sentence is necessary! Not even the numerous air conditioners could remove the sticky feeling from my skin.

Outside, the gravelly sky blanketed the almost non-existent blue sky. Slightly awkward phrasing here - The sky blanketed the sky. Being precise with your expression and word choice will be important because you are adopting quite an intellectual voice. Small issues of syntax can wreck the immersion. The dreariness of the outside didn’t seem to worry anyone, with yells coming left, right and centre, from people wishing to help with placing luggage in cars.

Smarttraveller.com.au told me to ‘travel with caution’ in this country, and to appeal to surroundings to be safe. Was there reason to let these people help? Nah, my subconscious said, who knows they’d want to steal your stuff? Be sure to use quote marks for direct speech like this! I know it is still subconscious, but still needs speech marks. I like this! Breaking up the flow of thought with a nice short "Nah," is nice breath of realism, and it gives the character a bit more life.

I was frustrated enough with the weather, I was tired, hungry, and just wanted to go home. My excitement had faded.

*****

Driving was a different experience. Any concept of ‘urban decline’ was far from what could be seen in Australia.  Metal squares, arranged into something far from stable, was considered a house. Fragile wooden structures, covered by flimsy plastic, which could easily fly away? That could be a restaurant. Everything contradicted Australia, and I didn’t like it. This is a nice contrast painted, and I'm seeing the significance of the opening now. Good stuff.

Bendungan Jago was a walk through a mismatched puzzle. LOVE that metaphor. Really clever, and suits the intellectual voice really well. Small houses, big houses. Shops. Balconies without a barrier or ledge. Cars were scarce, and instead, the street was filled with motorcycles, wedging between small gaps. Although I’d been to the house before, it was still a sight to see. It towered over me, looming over the street, balconies opening far and wide. It was painted the colour of a washed out sunset, which contradicted the rest of the street as the only uniform building which had a solid structure, unlike the rest. Watch for redundant wording here! Those two last phrases, "only uniform building...," and "unlike the rest." Both say the same - Try to minimise this sort of thing as much as possible to save yourself the word count!

Running up and down the stairs, standing on the balcony, looking out, the inconsistency of the city revealed itself to me, backed by the grainy, blended colours of pink-ish orange, which didn’t shimmer, but was just dull. Sentence slightly too long there I think. By this time, fatigue had caught up to me, and all I wanted to do was sleep and be alone.

The main difference between Indonesia and Australia was that I was surrounded by noise, everyday. Again, I think the wording is perhaps a tad unnatural for the voice you creating, Here, for example, I'd just say it like, "Indonesia was much louder than Australia," and make sure you then delve into the idea from there. Think about how you think about stuff (lol) There were suddenly 5 more people in a household, which led to a whole lot of noise everywhere and it was just so annoying I wanted to get out.

However, getting out in Indonesia called for approximately 251 shopping trips in 2 weeks, where these shopping centres had been meticulously manufactured to separate itself from the rest of the city. There was nothing to do, except for roam around shopping centres, heightening my intense boredom which just wouldn’t go away.

*****

People in Indonesia don’t have what one would call a ‘regular shower.’ Assuming there’s (clean) running water, that goes into a huge container thing, then this water goes into a smaller bucket, which you then pour over yourself. Small as it sounds, calling it a "huge container thing" is excellent. Very genuine! At best, this method of ‘showering’ was inconvenient, but there was an issue with this - you had to have the water keep running so the bucket didn’t get too empty, because waiting for the bucket to refill took time and effort.

Not going to lie, this method of showering was so unusual at first, but gradually turned into something fun - except for having to wait for the water to refill.

The one day, the water stopped running, and everyone had to use a substitute tap, where the water took so bloody long to get out. You could add a line break after "the water stopped running for a bit of impact, if you want it! What I didn’t know was here, water was sourced from the ground, and passing of a couple of decades could mean that there would be a total shortage of water. There was the possibility of the ground shrinking as the water was slowly taken out of the ground, but the scientific specifics were lost on me by that point.

*****

Tourist spots were carefully groomed. I can only remember two places: Lembang and Monas.

Lembang was a small town about 2-3 hours from Jakarta. I had never been outside of Jakarta, except for a couple of places on another island, within my many trips to Indonesia. This was very exciting, but upon arrival at the accommodation, any bright, positive thoughts were out the window.

It looked, felt, and smelt like absolute crap. Nothing was clean, there was barely any electricity, leaking taps… the list went on. Voice is very genuine in this section, very believable and suits my vision of the persona nicely.

For the huge family that had come, it was a downer, with most of us having to sleep in the living room to avoid the scattered mould in one bedroom. Despite the disappointing situation, they were all happily walking around, making the best of what was there. I could see the complaints being held back, but at that time, being with each other was more important.

Monas, on the other hand, was a small tower, with a couple of hectares for a tiny tower in the middle, flowers gardens, and displays of traditional art. The inside had several levels, one of which was a dioramic timeline, showing the history of Indonesia. Another level showed the various stages of achieving independence.

Independence could be seen through the two sections of Jakarta, viewed from level 2 of the outside of Monas. Two clearly different sections of the city. The foreground showed newly-built high rise buildings, neatly arranged, with fresh trees between gaps in separating each building. There was a fine line between this set of buildings, and the background, where various stages of half collapsed buildings blended into each other, shaded by the dreary clouds, as they blended into the horizon.

If urban decline wasn’t evident then, it was now. The equator, the invisible line, clearly separated two sections of the city, and a gasp of ‘wow, look at the view’ was not in admiration, but bitterness, where there could be nothing less enjoyable than looking out, only to see gradual dilapidation of a city.

On the contrary, I think this is quite well written indeed! A few minor things of course which I'm sure you'll pick up when you edit, but I didn't make many comments throughout! Holistically, I think you do a great job making the stream-of-consciousness sound genuine (hard to do!), with a voice that carries through the piece naturally. I think it is interesting for the reader too. I think the issues are primarily in structure, making it a little more clear where all these things sit chronologically (if that is important), as well as pushing the links to Discovery a little more obviously. Depending on the stimulus/question, I don't think it is quite strong enough conceptually just yet - You've got a few things floating around! If you were to summarise the concept of your Creative in a single sentence, what would it be?

Questions/statements about this:
1. Bit of a heads up - I don’t have enough to make this piece a set of journal entries, so it was formed into a narrative.
Cool! I think it is natural, works well!

2. How do I make this flow better? I reckon everything is very inconsistent and it stops and starts in places.
Yep, I agree - Perhaps you need to frame the scenarios as flashbacks, and have them occur one after another with brief reflections as your persona walks through a supposed "urban decline" area. So, have them be following their class around talking about urban decline somewhere in Sydney, and have little things inspire flashbacks to Indonesia as a juxtaposition. This links everything together a little bit

3. As this is a personal discovery, I feel like I’m just saying what happened as it happened, how do I do show, not tell? I don't think I've made the discovery very obvious - how do I fix that?

I also agree, though I think your balance of show versus tell works here. It's stream of consciousness, and consciousness tells things a lot. It works. In terms of Discovery, I think you need to start by figuring out exactly what you are trying to say! Defining that will help lead you forward

4. Sometimes I change perspective, i.e. first to second person. I do this because that’s my thought process on how I would tell someone how something happens. How do I stop doing this?

I didn't notice anything that raised an eyebrow in the Creative, so maybe it is okay as it is! Any bits you are concerned about specifically?

5. If I resubmit this, is that another 25 posts? (and how many other things can I submit? I think it's 5 if I'm counting correctly, because I've been hoarding all my posts for stuff to be marked closer to the hsc)

It is indeed, 25 posts for another set of feedback on this. Don't worry though, you can post another eight responses with your current post count, and at the rate you are going you'll have more very quickly. You shouldn't run out

[fantasticbeasts3]

Hey hey! I'd love to give you some feedback I'll pop comments throughout then I'll answer your questions below

On the contrary, I think this is quite well written indeed! A few minor things of course which I'm sure you'll pick up when you edit, but I didn't make many comments throughout! Holistically, I think you do a great job making the stream-of-consciousness sound genuine (hard to do!), with a voice that carries through the piece naturally. I think it is interesting for the reader too. I think the issues are primarily in structure, making it a little more clear where all these things sit chronologically (if that is important), as well as pushing the links to Discovery a little more obviously. Depending on the stimulus/question, I don't think it is quite strong enough conceptually just yet - You've got a few things floating around! If you were to summarise the concept of your Creative in a single sentence, what would it be?

wow hi thank you so much for marking this!

i threw out my planning sheet for this (whoops) but from what i can remember, the piece was largely centred around my personal discovery of the divisions in society, and that despite how people don't have everything they want in their lives, they have family, and that's what's important. (that would be my one sentence summary i guess?)

how would i make my links to discovery more obvious? i tried to be elusive with it but that obviously didn't work out hahahah

2. How do I make this flow better? I reckon everything is very inconsistent and it stops and starts in places.
Yep, I agree - Perhaps you need to frame the scenarios as flashbacks, and have them occur one after another with brief reflections as your persona walks through a supposed "urban decline" area. So, have them be following their class around talking about urban decline somewhere in Sydney, and have little things inspire flashbacks to Indonesia as a juxtaposition. This links everything together a little bit

ooooh okay i didn't even think of this! the only problem is that the scenarios i've used are from my trip to indonesia early this year, so if i did this, the geography excursion would be the flashbacks (and i don't have many poignant memories of it, just that it was super boring). i'll definitely try this out and see if it works :-)

[jamonwindeyer]

wow hi thank you so much for marking this!

i threw out my planning sheet for this (whoops) but from what i can remember, the piece was largely centred around my personal discovery of the divisions in society, and that despite how people don't have everything they want in their lives, they have family, and that's what's important. (that would be my one sentence summary i guess?)

how would i make my links to discovery more obvious? i tried to be elusive with it but that obviously didn't work out hahahah

ooooh okay i didn't even think of this! the only problem is that the scenarios i've used are from my trip to indonesia early this year, so if i did this, the geography excursion would be the flashbacks (and i don't have many poignant memories of it, just that it was super boring). i'll definitely try this out and see if it works :-)

You can always bend the truth a little! I think it would be a cool play off, have classmates examining urban decline and the character getting angry inside their own head, "You have no idea," etc. Doesn't have to match your timeline exactly

I think the structural fixes will do a lot of the Discovery work for you, having a unified plot will make the Discovery concepts much clearer I think!

[gilliesb18]

Hello 
I can't believe that you people do this free marking- you're incredible.
Just wondering- would this apply for a yr 11 person?? Cause we have our prelim exams on monday, and english is first but my teacher is too busy to mark my creative!! Is there any chance I could put mine up here? Or is that against the rules....
Thanks

[Natasha.97]

Hello 
I can't believe that you people do this free marking- you're incredible.
Just wondering- would this apply for a yr 11 person?? Cause we have our prelim exams on monday, and english is first but my teacher is too busy to mark my creative!! Is there any chance I could put mine up here? Or is that against the rules....
Thanks

Hey!

I've seen someone's prelim work marked before (not sure where otherwise I would link it ) Besides, you've met the marking requirements anyway (25 posts/essay)! All the best for your prelims

[gilliesb18]

Ok well heres my creative piece then. The requirements was that it was about an 'Inner Journey'.
Also Im not real creative sooo you will probably all think this is rather poor 

[left right gn]

Hey!

Can I get my creative checked please!
Thanks.

[kaut2061]

hi, i don't want to rain on your parade, but you need to have 25 posts before having something marked! i know it seems like a lot, but your posts build up quickly, and before you know it, you'll have an essay marked! maybe someone else will look at it for you - i would, but i'm no good at english myself.

Thats okay, thanks for letting me know how this works, but to post 25 posts what exactly can I post?

[gilliesb18]

Thats okay, thanks for letting me know how this works, but to post 25 posts what exactly can I post?

You need to post relavent questions and not just random comments such as thanks etc.
I think this was explained, if you check out the very first post on here, it should tell you the rules for getting it marked...

[Zainbow]

Hey! I've posted my creative here before, and I want more feedback if that's possible (thanks so much for the previous feedback btw, I got 14/15 in the trial by implementing the changes you suggested!)

The problem is that it's too long, imo. It's currently at 1024 words and takes me about 35 minutes to write. I want to cut it down by some 300 words or so. Where can I cut out words? Also, would cutting out the first perspective entirely change the story too much, or should I keep both perspectives?

One other thing, the teacher feedback I received suggested I explore the discovery more deeply. How can I do that?

Thanks!

Spoiler

The baby slept.
His soft features delicately moving with each breath. His eyelids fluttered, and his hands innocently fisted on his stomach.
From above, I watched.
Gently bubbling in his slumber, the baby slept soundlessly. He lay in the centre of the room, where the drawn curtains blanketed any light.
He let out a soft, short cry, mewing like a kitten.
Mindfully I looked over, searching for any sources of discomfort. He quickly fell asleep again. His posture expressing his innocence; ignorant of the quiet world immediately around him, too invested in his doze to care.
Gently stirring the air from above, I hung from the ceiling rotating, simply fulfilling my duties of ventilation and observation.
She lingered at the door, watching him like me, a smile tugging at her lips. Gracefully she made her way beside him and looked down in admiration. Behind her, a photo of his similarly peaceful face stood on the shelf.
He too entered the room, standing at her side and mimicking the radiation of love.
The baby unconsciously basked in his parents’ awe. There they stood, watching over their baby as I watched over all of them, bestowing them with gentle zephyrs of air.
She averted her eyes and looked at him, quietly uttering her words.
He shifts on his feet and rests his hands on the cot. The baby responded with a soft hum.
He muttered a reply and she, in her confusion, turned to him. Returning to admiring the innocent child that slept oblivious to his parents, I busily went on my merry way atop the room, genially fanning the air.
He turned towards the door but a firm grasp on his arm hindered him, pulling him back to the baby and the room and her persistent questioning.
His sighed reply provoked her staggered astonishment. Behind her I watched the baby continue his nonchalant nap, his arms and legs stretched all comfortably without a care to his surroundings. His small hands, his small lips, his small nose, all resting emotionless in peaceful slumber. I watch as a brief flutter of his nose disrupts his resting face, his peaceful state a capture of innocence, now distinct to his mother’s frustration as her newfound shock transformed the softness of her eyes to disbelief. I huffed in annoyance at the disturbance of this tranquillity and continued my spin - a pirouetting dancer to the tune of my own labour.

She watched him as he left the room and, with a glance towards her sleeping baby, followed in barely concealed irritation.
The room returned to its rhythmic peace, the baby once again consuming it with his soundlessness.
His photo on the shelf offered a past replication of this moment.
And, I continued to watch.


----------------------------------------------------------------


The baby slept.
His repetitive breathing evoked a synchronised movement of his features. Laying there lazily, his hands fisted on his stomach, the baby offered no reason for excitement.
In my boredom, I watched from the side of the room.
Except for an occasional drool in his mindless state, the baby slept quietly in the centre, the drawn curtains keeping any light out.
A whine escaped his lips.
Uninterested in him I looked about the room, resting upon the monotonously spinning blade at the ceiling. 
She stopped at the door watching him, barely relieving to the ever-so exciting scene before me. In unnecessary awe she made her way to him, this meaningless moment reminding me of the similar occasion of his sleep framed and placed on me.
And just when I thought no one could possibly wish to join this boring enclose, he entered, joining her side and contributing to this endless and mind-numbing encounter.
And all the baby did was lay there, absorbing his parents’ awe effortlessly.
In my quiet disgruntlement at this scene, I noticed her mention the money, did something happen and why did she receive another phone call today, and faced him expecting a reply.
He shifted on his feet and rested his hands on the cot.
He looked at the baby as she awaited his answer.
Finally, after another interjection from her, he muttered a brief reply that failed to resolve her frustration. She turned her full attention to him, demanding a clarification to his response. How is it gone? At sight of this my interest perked. Something other than a sleeping baby!
Hesitantly he looked at her and sucked in his lips, his prolonged contemplation driving me mad in anticipation.
As if reading my mind, she reaffirmed her need for an explanation.
With frustration, he raked his hand through his hair, looking everywhere but at her, though she continued to persist, her tone getting louder and my excitement growing. I wonder at the consequences of what may be ahead, but in my momentary desire for a spectacle, I dismiss these thoughts.
He aimed for the door in attempted escape, but, in last-minute reflex, she gripped his arm and pulled him back to her persistent questioning.
With a strained expression, he lets out a fleeting remark. He lost it, don’t ask why or how. But she already knows, and he knows she knows, and I know that he knows that she knows.
She stood unmoving, looking at him, looking at her baby, renewed uncertainties now flashing in her eyes. I wonder how she will react to this newfound provocation. Will she get angry? No, that’ll wake her baby up. Will she let it go? No, I can see it in her eyes she won’t. I looked at the two and the situation that now confronted them, or more so, challenged them.
But alas, the gripping scene ended too quickly as he swiftly exits and she, too, at his heel.
I feel my interest slip away as I am left with the dull room, the indolent baby, the droning fan. Once again I find myself facing a monotonous existence, any exhilaration short-lived. My surroundings mock me, reminding me I hold a frame of a similar situation to this.
But in my aimless observation of this inaction, I ponder the excitement of before, wondering if it will ripple this quiet again.

[kaut2061]

You need to post relavent questions and not just random comments such as thanks etc.
I think this was explained, if you check out the very first post on here, it should tell you the rules for getting it marked...

Thanks so much

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey! I've posted my creative here before, and I want more feedback if that's possible (thanks so much for the previous feedback btw, I got 14/15 in the trial by implementing the changes you suggested!)

Hey Zainbow! Thanks for posting, glad the previous feedback was useful! You haven't quite met the new post count requirement (note the post count requirement is now 25 posts), my spreadsheet says you'll need to reach 40 posts to get feedback

[jamonwindeyer]

Ok well heres my creative piece then. The requirements was that it was about an 'Inner Journey'.
Also Im not real creative sooo you will probably all think this is rather poor 

Hey!! Thanks for posting my friend - I've attached your Creative in the spoiler, comments are in bold

Spoiler

The Golden Key

Staring down at his shining, new black leather shoes, William had no idea where he was. Like this opening - Establishes intrigue nicely. A dirty restaurant full of low down second-class people, glass braking, and now a bottle of beer was thrown at him, smashing it into a million un-repairable fragments of glass. Slightly iffy on the wording there, needs to be "glass brEaking," and it should be "was BEING thrown at him" to maintain present tense. It was a whirlwind of events and all he wanted to do was run away from the scene and relax. As he started to run, his feet caught onto the leg of a table, pulling it and all the contents on it over. He picked himself back up and tried again. Slow down a little, describe what is happening! Everything in a short story needs to have a purpose, so it is important to take time to describe scenes probably/ This time he got out the smashed doors. Just in time to hear a gold ‘something’ hit the ground in front of him. What did it sound like? Try to paint the picture a little bit better, take the time to describe sights, sounds, smells. He looked up to see where it had come from, but all he could see was levels of damaged, broken-down apartments with nothing but ruined inhabitants inside looking out the windows.

As he bent down to pick up the gold ‘something’ that had dropped at his feet, he realized it was a key. On one side of it, he realized there was some indentation on it, and the other side had some initials. Both sides were too faded to read anything. But he stilled picked it up and decided to see if he could find its owner. I'd be taking a little longer to describe this object too - It's the key element of the piece, so let the audience have a super clear picture in their minds of what exactly it looks like.

As he leaped up the stairs two at a time, all he could think of was the golden key which lay in his cut and bruised hand from the restaurant just a few seconds ago. This seems a little awkward since it JUST happened, it seems unnecessary to reflect on it so soon I feel? As he approached the first level of apartment rooms, he thought of what he could say to each person. ‘Knock, knock!’ went his fist against the shabby door. He waited patiently outside the door, but no response came. Again, he knocked, and this time got a rather hasty response. The old man came to the door and yelled, “Who are you and what do you want anyway?” Be sure that your dialogue is realistic - Would someone actually say this to a stranger knocking on their door? It feels a little robotic right now. Shorten it a little, even just a single word, "WHAT?" could work well!

William quickly told him who he was and explained without delay why this key was in his red and swollen hand, and asked the man if it was his key. But the man just slammed the door in his face, leaving a confused and annoyed William Cooper standing at the door. But he went on trying, door after door, level after level, until he reached an elderly lady on level 6, door 7 who could only speak scattered English in amongst her abundance of German. Good - This chunk is quite well written!!

“Dat key, ist de one I dropped out de vindow. Do you vant it?” Be careful incorporating the accent into how you actually write the dialogue. It can be construed in a negative light - You can still mention the fact that it is scattered English and perhaps have one or two words affected. But in general it is better to just have primarily normal dialogue!

William was speechless. Why would he want it? Why did she drop it out the window?

“Oh, Madame, is that key not yours? Replied William.
“Son, dat key ist for you. Check de initials, den it ist yours, forever.”
He promptly checked the initials, only to find out it had his exact initials on it, W.R.C.

It was his key. The door to which it opened, he had no clue where to find. But he had the key. And he was going to find that door. As he ran to his house to clean the key, he wondered what the writing might say. Would it be a little proverb for him? Was it some word that he had to cling onto for the rest of his life? What could it be? This seems like a bit of a forced response - I get being curious about the key's origins and the engraving, but this is an object that the character has not had any interaction with before this point. It feels unnatural for them to react in this urgent way, if that makes sense?

Then finally he was home. He ran inside, scrubbed the key, but still couldn’t read it. Again, he worked away at it until finally he could make out what it read. “Life isn’t about finding yourself, it’s about creating yourself.” Again, and again, he read it to himself, until finally it made sense. You can’t just find yourself, you must create yourself. ‘I cannot just simply run somewhere in my new shoes in the hopes I will find myself’, thought William to himself, ‘I must create who I want to be.’ This ending is something a lot of people have trouble with, and it's concept conclusion, a name I totally made up but I like it.
 Basically, it's putting everything about your key theme/concept at the end and laying it out clearly for the audience. This is actually not a good thing,
 because the theme should be more subtle - Imbued in the response in small ways that make it gradually obvious to the reader.

I like what you are doing in parts of this Creative! Some clever bits of writing shining through, and a cool concept. I'd have two main criticisms:

1- The plot feels quite forced. There is not really a logical flow from one event to the next, and responses of the character don't feel natural, and things sometimes don't feel they have a purpose. Why does the key need to exist to convey the message? Why did we have the first grumpy old man, what purpose did it serve for the story?

2- The concept is very end loaded and too blatant - There needs to be a little more subtlety. Think about when you watch a movie with a hidden message - They never actually say what that message is! They just link it to the events of the story in a natural way so that the audience knows without being told. You need to try and adjust your plot and how it is presented to do the same thing

Try and rework the story with these two things in mind - Natural responses by characters, give them a reason to do the things they do in a way that a regular person would do them (EG - Would a regular person go look for the owner of the key, or maybe pocket it and go about their business). And try and put the message into the story in less obvious ways throughout, be subtle!