1st Language Analysis Piece

[garytheasian]

Hey AN, this is my first LA of the year that I was assigned to complete for holiday homework, just looking to get some feedback on the areas I need to improve on which I can then use to progress throughout the year. At the moment, I'm really struggling to write conclusions and know for the fact that the one here is rubbish to say the least. Anyways, the link to the article is http://www.theaustralian.com.au/news/editorial-time-to-get-student-behaviour-in-order/story-e6frg6n6-1226630646108. Thanks!



In the various forms of punishments available to the modern day teacher, debate in regards to the effectiveness of such tools when handling troubled students has resurfaced. The difficulty of it all being, what actions are disruptive enough to receive punishment and afterward what the most appropriate punishment should be. Nevertheless, in The Sunday Mail’s editorial “Time to get student behaviour in order” the author, in response to Minister Langbroek’s simplification of legislation,  displays a tone of hope and optimism. Resultantly, the author who sternly opposes the “days of corporal punishment” contends for the need to alter the disciplinary process, however, accepts that even though the system will never be flawless and as long as a learning environments are improved for all, that in itself is suffice.

The author attempts to instill a progressive outlook on restructuring the disciplinary system by providing historic references. Beginning with an expression of relief “ Long gone, thankfully, are the days of corporal punishment” a sense of progression is established in a role to ease readers into prospects of yet another reform. Hinging on the prideful mentality of “we have done it before, we can do it again” the author is able to align readers to feel optimistic in the proposal to change the process of punishment and thus look towards new solutions. Comprised of parents, the audience are inclined to place themselves at the frontier of the proposed changes as a means of effectively removing the “disruptive and belligerent behaviour” that may be undermining the education of their own children. Additionally, the author readily makes the assumption that the readership already has disdained views of corporal punishment. The inclusion of “While no right-thinking person wants to see a return to … arbitrary corporal punishment” creates a dichotomy that acts to alienate those who support the notion of corporal punishment and henceforth label them as individuals that have adopted a backwards thinking mentality. In return, the audience are likely espouse the view that changes need to be made to the existing system out of fear they may fall into the category of backwards thinkers.

In addressing the potential solutions, the author employs a sense of community to highlight the widespread benefits of dealing with issues in the otherwise confined classroom. By inclusion of authoritative figure “education minister John-Paul Langbroek” the audience are engendered to feel deeply concerned. The acknowledgement of the problem by a parliamentary representative alerts readers of the magnitude in which this problem poses such that government intervention is necessary. Thus, as governmental matters are often serious in nature and deal with aspects of society in whole, the readership are urged to band together as a community to solve the issue in a swift manner. The reader’s fear of feeling at risk to the repercussions also plays a role in driving parents to look for a next best solution as to avoid the potential of poorly behaved children having an effect on their own. In subtly drawing out the need for an answer, the author proposes  that a “partnership between schools and parents and, in some cases, local communities” is required thereby indicating this heavy reliance on community. Not only does this induce an ersatz sense of family that creates thoughts of obligation but also draws readers who many not be directly affected to veer in on this issue as well. “[Simplified], friendly and practical” the description of new legislation at last, eases people from potentially feeling burdened if they wanted to get involved in this movement. This scheme that is shrouded by this idea of being “local” which is also capable of “[making] a real difference” engenders readers to act upon a set goal that when achieved will resonate positively throughout society.

The author transitions towards inducing a sense of heartache for the teachers who have been left abandoned. In contrast to the rest of the article, the author’s decision to shift towards the struggles of teachers outlines a sense of realism. Accompanying the piece, the photograph depicting a teacher with clenched fists shows that not only are other students being disrupted by “belligerent” behaviour but also teachers too. Reduced to merely a distributor of punishment, the clear sign of frustration displayed by both his both body language and scrunched face portrays a feeling of helplessness in the teacher whose role is to provide enlightening education. As a result, this may invoke parents into feeling enraged for the teacher as disruption has inhibited his ability to teach which will consequently also deprive students that may be their own children from the knowledge that he may have to offer.  “ A punitive option with some weight” further mentions the lack of resources teachers have at hand and ultimately establishes the feeling of despair and abandonment. Subsequently, the illustration of teachers as these neglected individuals is likely to galvanize readers into feeling responsible and guilty for the lack of support they are receiving and, therefore, push towards a new motion.

The calm and reasoned tone nearing the article’s end displays the author’s clear-mindedness towards the issue. Through presenting themselves in a controlled manner, a confidence is exuded, thus reaffirming to readers that the proposed pathway is the correct way to go. In addition, the acknowledgement that “No system will ever be perfect” allows readers to feel that the ideas presented are not flawless but therefore reasonable. The optimism in which the authors end on, in aiming to enhance the current learning environment, is a lasting reassurance to readers that simply makes their view easier to accept.

[literally lauren]

In the various forms of punishments expression is a bit weird here; why are you saying 'in the punishments?' available to the modern day teacher, debate in regards to the effectiveness of such tools when handling troubled students has resurfaced. The difficulty of it all being, what actions are disruptive enough to receive punishment and afterward what the most appropriate punishment should be. this is a fairly colloqual sentence structure. You don't really want to use phrases like 'the difficulty of it all being' as, whilst they can make sense in spoken conversation, they don't really fit in formal essays, and it's hard to make them grammatical. Nevertheless, in The Sunday Mail’s editorial “Time to get student behaviour in order” the author, in response to Minister Langbroek’s simplification of legislation this might've been a better place to start as opposed to your general statements about tools of punishment for students,  displays a tone of hope and optimism. Resultantly, the author who sternly opposes the “days of corporal punishment” contends talking about the contention should probably come before you talk about tone. Remember: communicating your understanding of the author's argument is the most important thing in the intro, so leaving it till the very last sentence is a bit risky for the need to alter the disciplinary process, however, accepts that even though the system will never be flawless and as long as a learning environments are improved for all, that in itself is suffice 'suffice' is a verb 'sufficient' is the adjective you need here.

The author attempts to instill a progressive outlook on restructuring the disciplinary system by providing historic references. Beginning with an expression of relief “ Long gone, thankfully, are the days of corporal punishment” a sense of progression is established in a role to ease readers into prospects of yet another reform good point. Hinging on the prideful mentality of “we have done it before, we can do it again” the author is able to align readers to feel optimistic in towards the proposal to change the process of punishment and thus look towards new solutions. Comprised of parents, the audience, particularly those who are also parents, are inclined to place themselves at the frontier of the proposed changes as a means of effectively removing the “disruptive and belligerent behaviour” that may be undermining the education of their own children. Additionally, the author readily makes the assumption that the readership already has disdained disdainful views of corporal punishment. The inclusion of “While no right-thinking person wants to see a return to … arbitrary corporal punishment” creates a dichotomy that acts to alienate those who support the notion of corporal punishment and henceforth label them as individuals that have adopted a backwards thinking mentality v good. In return, the audience are likely espouse the view that changes need to be made to the existing system out of fear they may fall into the category of backwards thinkers. Good para conclusion; you could use a different phrase here since you've already mentioned 'backwards thinking,' but otherwise, this is a pretty solid paragraph.

In addressing the potential solutions, the author employs a sense of community to highlight the widespread benefits of dealing with issues in the otherwise confined isn't the classroom confined either way? I'm not sure this is the word you're looking for classroom. By inclusion of including the authoritative figure “education minister John-Paul Langbroek” the audience are engendered to feel deeply concerned expression - engender is used in the context of 'to bring about a certain idea or feeling,' so this should be something more like 'The inclusion of the authoritative figure "--" engenders deep concern in the audience' or 'By including the authoritative figure "--" the audience is encouraged to feel deeply concerned.' The acknowledgement of the problem by a parliamentary representative alerts readers of the magnitude in which this problem poses such that government intervention is necessary. v good. Thus, as governmental matters are often serious in nature and deal with aspects of society in whole, the readership are urged to band together as a community to solve the issue in a swift manner this is a bit too generic; make your discussion of the effect specific to this particular issue. The reader’s apostrophe after the 's' for plural possessive fear of feeling at risk to the repercussions also plays a role in driving parents to look for a next best solution so as to avoid the potential of poorly behaved children having an effect on their own. In subtly drawing out the need for an answer, the author proposes  that a “partnership between schools and parents and, in some cases, local communities” is required thereby indicating this heavy reliance on community. Not only does this induce an ersatz this is a lovely word, but it doesn't really fit here since it connotes artificiality and a lack of substance, so it's a bit too negative, which makes it sound as though you're criticising the author (e.g. 'This induces a false sense of familial security' = evaluation, and therefore worth no marks) sense of family that creates thoughts of obligation but also draws readers who many not be directly affected to veer in on this issue as well this is also a bit too broad. Specificity should be your priority for L.A. “[Simplified], friendly and practical” the description of new legislation this quote isn't very well integrated at last , eases people from potentially feeling burdened if they wanted to get involved in this movement. This scheme that is shrouded by this idea of being “local” which who is also capable of “[making] a real difference” engenders readers to act upon a set goal that when achieved will resonate positively throughout society. Another solid paragraph. You could use a bit more analysis (just in terms of covering more quotes and techniques,) but your patterns are good.

The author transitions towards inducing a sense of heartache might be a bit extreme. 'Sympathy' would be more fitting for the teachers who have been left abandoned. In contrast to the rest of the article, the author’s decision to shift towards the struggles of teachers outlines a sense of realism. So are you suggesting that the rest of the piece is unrealistic? Don't pass judgement on the piece, remember, even if it's blatantly wrong or biased. You just have to assume it is persuasive and discuss how. Accompanying the piece, the photograph depicting a teacher with clenched fists shows that not only are other students being disrupted by “belligerent” behaviour but also teachers too that teachers are also affected. Reduced to merely a distributor of punishment, the clear sign of frustration displayed by both his both body language and scrunched face portrays a feeling of helplessness in the teacher whose role is to provide enlightening education. As a result, this may invoke parents into feeling compel parents to feel enraged for the teacher as disruption has inhibited his ability to teach which will consequently also deprive students that may be their own children from the knowledge that he may have to offer.  “ A punitive option with some weight” further mentions Okay, from now on, don't begin a sentence with a quote. That's not technically a rule, but since doing this seems to make your sentences clunkier, force yourself not to do it for now and you can perhaps revisit this later when you have more options and a better sense of quote analysis/integration the lack of resources teachers have at hand and ultimately establishes the feeling of despair and abandonment. Subsequently, the illustration of teachers as these neglected individuals is likely to galvanize readers into feeling responsible and guilty for the lack of support they are receiving and, therefore, push towards a new motion what motion? Be specific.

The calm and reasoned tone nearing the article’s end displays the author’s clear-mindedness towards the issue. Through presenting themselves in a controlled manner, a confidence is exuded, thus reaffirming to readers that the proposed pathway is the correct way to go. Good point, but it's usually good to have a quote or two to back up assertions about tone. That said, you shouldn't really analyse in your conclusion, so maybe shift this to one of the body paragraphs and just focus on more generalised statements about language & effects here. In addition, the acknowledgement that “No system will ever be perfect” allows readers to feel believe (only use 'feel' if you're talking about specific emotions. This is more about ideas, so 'think'/'believe' works better) that the ideas presented are not flawless but therefore reasonable nevertheless. The optimism in which the authors end on, in aiming to enhance the current learning environment, is a lasting reassurance to readers that simply makes their view easier to accept. Expression is a bit convoluted here, you could just say 'The author ends on an optimistic note about enhancing the current learning environment as a resounding reassurance to readers that...' The 'makes their view easier to accept' part is a bit too general though.

Sorry this took me so long to get to - there's some really awesome analysis in this piece with a lot of great explanations about the effects of language.

Main things to work on include: specificity! Cut out any sentences like 'which accentuates the author's point and ingratiates him with readers' or 'encourages readers to reconsider the idea and to instead adopt the author's view' and replace them with more specific sentences. It can be a bit tough to identify in the midst of writing, but as a rule of thumb, if the sentence or phrase you're writing is the kind of thing that could be applied to any other L.A. essay, it's probably too general. This isn't too much of a problem, but the moments when it does occur stand out all the more because you're doing things so much better in the other 90% of your essay, so just eliminate these little issues when they do come up.

Also - avoid evaluation at all costs. Any statements that could be said to pass judgement on the effectiveness of the author's piece, or any parts that are the product of your own opinion are essentially worthless in the marking scheme. Just comment on what is persuasive, how it persuades, and why it is persuasive (which again, you're doing right throughout the vast majority of your piece, but there are a few bits which stick out as being borderline evaluative.)

You could also use a bit more analysis since most of your body paragraphs come down to two or three quotes, which might be considered sufficient by some assessors, but might be judged too brief by others, so amping this up a bit by making your sentences extremely efficient would be a good idea. Your paragraph structure seems like it would allow for this quite easily, so you should be alright with it.

Your conclusion shouldn't contain any analysis though; try to just make a few comments about how language is used throughout and what the author is hoping to achieve; that should suffice. Some advice if you scroll down to the relevant links in this thread & a  great guide here that I'd highly recommend.

A few minor expression issues scattered about - these are mainly issues with word choice though, and these are good mistakes to make since it's often the only way to learn how to improve. Still, be careful with expression, especially with verbs like 'engender' / 'invoke' (e.g. the author invokes readers into feeling...)

Make sure your quotes fit your sentences; it's clear you're comfortable with modifying them, but you just have to keep an eye on the overall grammar of the sentence to ensure you haven't just inserted the quote in without making it fit the context.

But overall, the quality of your analysis is excellent, and that's what the priority is, so keep it up!