I need advice: family problem

[tonychet2]

Hi all, I'm having a lot of trouble with my current family situation at the moment... and I really need advice on what to do

Okay, before I start I must say that I do respect my mother and thank her for everything she's done for me.

My current family situation is as follows...: (summary)

My Dad and Mother divorced when I was a young child at 2 years of age

I have a stepdad and two step-siblings age 14 and 7

We have been living in Bundoora for the past 10 years

An opportunity came and I managed to make around $150k, mum takes it all and spends it on two cars for the family and other rubbish (basically all gone, mum didn't care about the future and didnt save it or put it away in an investment even though she has a mortgage)

I have a car and $30k in the bank left that she agreed to give me for earning the money

My Dad is now facing unemployment and my mum is no longer receiving support from the government as my sister is now past age 6 ( and she is now using my $30k to pay for all her bills, Im worried on things after this backup source is gone im guessing in about two years), but she does not save money, she loves to unncessarily waste money even though she has no source of income

My mum refuses to work after a long discussion and basically told me I must support her and pay off all her bills and mortgage as soon as I find a job after university? And if I don't she abuses me and says im an ungrateful child for everything she has done (Without future plans to find a job herself) <---- (I am thinking this is unreasonable and where is my say in all this?)

I'm in first year university at melbourne studying commerce at the moment and I'm writing this because I have no idea what I should do, I feel like I should help her but then I will have to give up alot of my own personal goals and other decisions in order to help my mum because she refuses to find a job? I mean, I can't just let her sit there and do nothing right??

Sigh....

[thushan]

I am in a similar situation (the gist anyway), but my mum craves emotional support from me, not monetary. And my issue with that is that she insists I move back home, but that would imply that she would control most of my life and make my life decisions.

It's very hard, but you have to pluck up (me too!) the courage to tell your mum that she is being extremely unfair, and that you do not owe her anything.

What she has done is splurged, expecting you to pick up the pieces. If I may be harsh, that is extremely manipulative of her to do this, then guilt trip you. I know mate, it does play mind games with you.

[tonychet2]

thanks alot Thushan!
I can definitely relate to your problem too

I repeatedly tell her that she is being unfair again and again, although she keeps telling me that its my responsibility to look after her...even though she is 45 (if it were 65 I would help out in a heartbeat)
I'm scared what will happen if i do decide that if i do nothing about and not 'help' her out at all

[thushan]

Her life is her responsibility, she should not EXPECT your help. How would you feel if you moved out?

I'm trying to pluck up the courage and put my foot down.

[tonychet2]

thats exactly how I feel... that she should be responsible for her own wellbeing like everyone else... but then I will have to continue knowing that im willingly letting her 'suffer'?
does that make me a bad person?

[grannysmith]

It's definitely a hard situation to be in. However, it's your mum you're dealing with. Despite your efforts and her seemingly wasteful use of money, there will be no one else to look after her, as well as your sister.

I do not think it would be possible to go on like this, but what you have to do is try your best to persuade her into finding a job and being more economical when it comes to money.

Perhaps you can do a sort of ultimatum with her - that you continue to support with the condition that you are the one in control and handling the money, spending etc.

Hope this helps

[thushan]

Had same thoughts. SHE's making herself suffer. SHE put herself in this position. Would you have supported her if she did not ask?

[tonychet2]

oddlyinsane - i've been trying that for a while but I guess for now I have to keep continuing....

thushan - Yes, if she was in real trouble (out of her control) I would help out,

but i feel this is a different situation to what she currently expects, and I do feel she has brought it upon herself and she could correct it herself (if she wanted to)

I am thinking of letting things go, and seeing what happens if I don't support her in the hope that she will wake up to reality and come to realise that she will have to find a job...

[tonychet2]

BTW I would like to say thank you for your help!!! I do feel alot better now - back to studying for exams for myself

my idol

LOL. I have to admit sometimes when I'm having second thoughts about anything (did it in my economics exam lol) I think in my head - what would thushan do? HAHAHA a little confession of mine

[thushan]

BTW I would like to say thank you for your help!!! I do feel alot better now - back to studying for exams for myself

my idol

LOL. I have to admit sometimes when I'm having second thoughts about anything (did it in my economics exam lol) I think in my head - what would thushan do? HAHAHA a little confession of mine

Haha, oh stop it, you!

[werdna]

Tough situation... how you managed to make $150K during high school is insane. :O

[Quantum.Mechanic]

Wait,
This sounds familiar as.
Are you my friends mate that made 150k through runescape?

[tonychet2]

Wait,
This sounds familiar as.
Are you my friends mate that made 150k through runescape?

yes

[Quantum.Mechanic]

^
You my friend are a legend!
Hahahaha.
You're pretty amazing.
 

[tonychet2]

haha thanks, but it was just more of a hobby lol