05/01/2019
Hey, everyone! I hope your new year has kickstarted brilliantly and that you're in for an amazing 2019
Today's entry is something I have been wanting to share for a long time. This journal was a huge part of my HSC experience and gave me a reason to strive through even the toughest of times. Unfortunately, I haven't been very honest with you all. Saying that all my major works were all fun and enjoyable to do would be a massive lie. Although I haven't told it, I might as well have been by not telling you the truth about one of my subjects. There was one particularly subject that caused me immense grief and stress during the HSC, something that I haven't been transparent about in this journal because I felt ashamed to admit it. However, I feel like I owe you all the truth as thanks for supporting me and I would like to share one of the biggest reasons why I am choosing to pursue music education.
In case I haven't explicitly mentioned this before, I studied Music 2 through correspondence. It was a decision I made very early on in Year 10 to pursue Music 2, and not Music 1 which was offered at my school, because I knew I wanted to study music academically. I had always been a hardworking and productive student, considered a role model amongst my peers for work ethic and it was a persona I was quite proud of. I had never had major incidents of procrastination and when it came to studying, I was inquisitive and asked for help without fear whenever I needed it. That remained the same in Year 11 except for in Music 2.
Long story short, I had a terrible time in Prelim. My assigned teacher, we'll call her Ms R, was absolutely useless. She was unhelpful with explaining content to me, often would go weeks before responding to any of my emails which were urgent questions on assessment tasks and whenever we did manage to schedule in call lessons, it was largely her telling me I wasn't suited for the course and that I should drop to Music 1 because singing students wouldn't excel in Music 2. I began to realise how vastly different the syllabus for Music 2 was from Music 1; there was nowhere near the same degree of freedom in what you could study, you were restricted to only performing a certain style of music and unless you had years of training and theory knowledge up your sleeve, you stood no chance in the course. Did I know this when I signed up for it? Yes. Did I think having a good teacher and a strong work ethic would be an effective counter for that? Yes. It always worked out that way for me.
I was proven wrong. As my teacher started to be more and more distant (pun intended), I began to be less motivated. It was a new feeling for me to not want to bother at all with trying. I still submitted my work in on time and completed all my assessments to the best of my ability, but I stopped researching for the fun of it, wanting to learn more and improve myself. I just wanted it to be over. I barely passed each assessment in my Prelim and would cry every time I received my marks back. It reached a point where I had completely lowered my expectations and began to think the subject was pointless. It was just Prelim though. I knew I had another chance in the HSC and this time, I wouldn't have a teacher who made me feel like I could never succeed in what I wanted to do. That was going to solve everything. At least that was what I thought.
During my HSC, I had many moments where I wanted to drop Music 2. Getting this off my chest was the hardest thing I typed up so far. My new teacher, Mr T, was fantastic. He was supportive, responsive and just a great bloke overall. He was proactive in arranging me workshops with a Conservatorium Composition graduate to assist me with my major work. He told me that I was one of the most worthy students to teach. This boosted my confidence up significantly and I began to enjoy going to my free periods and doing the coursework.
Everything was going fine until my first assessment task was handed back to me.
10/20. It was the lowest mark I had EVER received in ANYTHING. I had the greatest shock of my life and refused to believe it. My partner and I had worked incredibly hard on the performance and we both expected at least a 15/20. It was a slap in the face which I knew wasn't right. I contacted my teacher and told him the mark. He was completely caught off-guard because he also didn't think that was an accurate reflection of the feedback that was written for me. After sorting out with the marking team at the centre, it turns out that they marked my assessment "accidentally" out of 15 and that my actual mark was 13/20.
You can imagine how both relieved and angry I was. I was relieved that I achieved a mark that was more reasonable and similar to the feedback that was provided for me. I was more angry because it was something that never should have happened in the first place. The whole incident was unprofessional and stress-inducing and I was pissed that the centre thought it was okay to just brush it off like it never happened. I wasn't that kind of person though to make the situation more than it had to be. It was an honest mistake and I decided to move on.
It did take a blow on my attitude towards the course. I slowly started to see practices and rehearsals as futile. I began to procrastinate starting my composition because I couldn't conjure up the most brilliant idea. It no longer became compulsory to submit work in and so I delayed completing it as much as I possibly could have. I am also terrible with technology (I kid you not, it took months for me to get my head around the AN forum) which made my composition major work in particularly a tedious and the biggest ceebs project of my life.
The only part that kept me going was my musicology essay. I actually really like writing, from poems to essays, and I especially loved writing about Schubert. He and Tchaikovsky are my go-to listens in any mood I may be in. I wrote the essay on a piece I absolutely adored. It was a joy to analyse and was the only beacon of light during the darkness that was my Music 2 experience. I had high hopes for my essay and hoped my portfolio, which was the internal assessment, would show that.
I received a 15/20 for the portfolio. Bad mark? Not at all. Bad to me because I had 90 pages of content, research and drafting that I felt was worth more? Most definitely. I had praises about the actual essay but all the constructive criticism came solely from the portfolio itself. While that was a good thing, it still hurt. It was around this time that I was also starting to think about what I wanted to do at university and I was drawn to the Con's Bachelor of Music with musicology as the major. I felt as if it was a sign telling me no. It was one of the first times where I truly felt helpless and alone. I knew doing correspondence would be difficult but it began to be more like a chore.
I'll spare the rest of the story because it was basically a recurring cycle. I poured my heart into my work hoping it would translate into approval and validation. Instead, I received quite the opposite and would eventually reach a huge low. I had my Music 2 trials on the same day as Modern and almost said "let's just drop it now." I was already studying for Modern way more and at that point, it didn't matter to me anymore.
I ended up keeping Music 2 and finishing all my major works. I delivered what would be one of the best performances yet with my partner for the markers. I sat an exam which didn't entirely make me feel idiotic but not without exhausting me after two days of English papers. Despite all of this, I am glad I kept it for two main reasons. The first is because it's assumed knowledge at the Con and I'll be prepared for what may come my way this year. I have a bunch of resources that I did end up keeping from the course that I know will prove handy in my degree. The second reason, and probably the more important one, was because I learnt some important lessons from being in Music 2. I learnt that even the best of students will face periods of burnout. There was no avoiding that. What mattered was how you chose to respond to it.
I burnt out multiple times in the course and that was why I was so ecstatic to see a Band 5 because my internals had forced me to believe that I was lucky to achieve a Band 4. That essay I had high hopes for? I received so much praise for it in my interview at the Con to be selected for my course that I almost didn’t believe it was true. I did end up being able to say goodbye to the course with no regrets and here I am now, a commencing Conservatorium of Music student with a $6K scholarship for my first year, which leads me to my final point.
The success that I did gain out of Music 2 was all thanks to Mr T and my two high school music teachers who I will give a shoutout to here. Without this strange trio dynamic, I would not have kept pushing on and reaching my goals. It was because of their dedication and belief in me that I decided to become a music teacher myself. I wish to change the way music is taught at a senior level.
Music should be a subject that is encouraging, empowering and inspiring. I didn't experience this much in Music 2 but when I did, it made me feel more than who I was. I was more than just another student number struggling to get through what would potentially be the most difficult year of my life. I was a vessel for a brighter future, an example of how passion will always conquer hardship. It was my calling and the Bachelor of Music (Music Education) degree was the perfect course for me.
I'm excited to advocate for a difference in music education, hoping to inspire a need for inclusion. All of the positive vibes I retained was due to the friends and teachers who gave me a reason to keep going. I want to also thank you for reading what may just be the longest confession I will ever write. It has been a wonderful journey and I will make sure I post one last time before I bid farewell to this journal. I am grateful for AN for everything and I hope to continue giving back to the forums. Here's to a year of movement, motivation and optimism
Toodles,
Angelina