Hey Coolgalbornin03Lo,
Below is the my sentence by sentence feedback. Hope it helps, but some general things before you read it:
- Use more sophisticated vocabulary specific to what you are trying to express
- Up your standard for level of analysis, what I mean by this is ensuring every sentence you include improves your essay than degrading its holistic value. You can extend your analysis
- I was being as critical as I could so that you can improve.
- haven’t read the text so idk if analysis points are good or not but based upon what I have read it can be still improved but overall well done!!!
- Only read the intro and first para (sorry needed to sleep
)
Fred D’Arguiar’s novel
The Longest Memory in set in Virginia in the 1800s portrays the inhumane system of slavery from several points of view.
(your broad statement is good, but since you mentioned several points of view explain what you mean by this --> more detail but not analysis level detail if you know what I mean). Likewise
, Enoch and Mailman
’s play
, The 7 Stages of Grieving depicts the lives of Aboriginals still affected long after the mistreatment of their people.
(good overview, but to improve this include more sophisticated vocabulary specific to this. (this would take it from a basic to a higher level) For example, I could reword this sentence to be: The text (ofc say it) divulges the trauma of the lost generation as a microcosm of the broader issue of societal-political belief systems ----> brings in the big picture do this in the intro.Both texts explore the effect these
prior (redundant – traumatic suggests already happened) traumatic events have on the present but differ in that D'Aguiar contends that complacency heavily affects the extent to which the pasts of the enslaved affects the present of the freed, while Enoch and Mailman
(could vary it by staying that the second text instead concerns itself with…)suggest the present isn’t yet set in stone and each individual has the power to make sure it isn’t a repeat of the past, in which Aboriginals were unjustly robbed.
(Clear statement --> but improved with more sophisticated vocab) Although
in both The Longest Memory and
The 7 Stages of grieving older characters bear the responsibility for the survival of culture into the future, each text portrays a different handling of this responsibility.
Very good topic sentence ---> I am saying this not based upon knowledge of the text but rather general ideas as I have not read the texts, can be improved though by stating broadly the different types of handlings In
The Longest Memory the character of Whitechapel is the oldest slave on the plantation and the only one with any direct connection with their African heritage. Upon being asked by younger slaves of where they really came from “he [says] Africa was his past and not [theirs]”. Denying the influence he has on the continuation of his traditions has consequences as his great granddaughter “[doesn’t] recognise the food”. The food is symbolic of their culture, traditions;
the one thing which the enslavers could not take away from them (instead analyse rather than stating it). The slaves did not have freedom and many other basic human rights but still had their food. For her not to recognise it, means she
is completely disconnected from her culture, as a result of Whitechapel refusing to recognise his critical role
(you got to explain what this critical role is, left me on a cliff hanger). This portrayal of the relationship between Whitechapel and his great granddaughter critiques the refusal to share the past, which perpetuates the cultural erasure
which has been inflicted upon them by their oppressors (this is retelling no need it is assumed that’s what happened), to carry on into the future. D'Aguiar urges those who stay silent about tragedy they have experienced in the past to speak up and let themselves be heard, in order to preserve their culture instead of letting it be partially erased,
(has the potential to be rewritten in a more sophisticated manner) the way it was the first time with original oppressors. Much like in
The Longest Memory,
(another way of saying it is : In a similar vein, : no need to mention text name)The 7 Seven Stages of Grieving has one person, Nana, who was present in a time in which their culture was more prevalent, and is reluctant to share it.
(For your comparative sentence you must make a comparison this means. For example say this: In a similar vein to Whitechapel’s denial of…, Nana of text 2 is…)However she differed from Whitechapel because “she wouldn’t tell [them] very many stories but when she did [they] all listened”. This depiction
(impression) of Nana through the eyes of her grandchildren highlights
(promulgates ---> this is what I mean by using more sophisticated language) how willing the younger generations are to absorb their culture if just given a small chance. “Floral patterns cover the WOMAN’s dress” [stage directions] and accompanying her are “sounds of family” [stage directions].
(there was no flow from the previous sentence to this sentence, haven’t embedded the quote) The sounds of family and the floral dress are representative of the culture and the WOMAN just wearing something as simple as traditional clothing implies
(talk about the authorial intent --> like Mailmain implies that…)that it can continue to be passed onto future generations if those who hold the information choose to do so. Enoch and Mailman romanticise the idea of passing on culture from the past to younger generations as a way to make for a future in which Aboriginal culture is still preserved and acknowledged in full.
But other than that WELL DONE!!!