Language analysis essay - please mark ASAP!!!

[jessamyh16]

could someone please mark this essay? unfortunately i don't have the article as we did it in class.


Schooling award systems are massively diverse and how children are appropriately rewarded has been debated for centuries. In a school newsletter at ‘Mainstreet secondary collage’ the principal Mr AJ Smith writes an article portraying a recent school action in which the end of year presentation night was abolished and the reasons for it. This article is rebutted in a short, pithy comment using a logical argument to display the view that abolishing the rewards system was unnecessary. While smiths article longer and based more on statistics. Tillen’s comment is informal tone seeking to persuade the reader with relatability of the article.
‘Lead and archive’ are the first words that are strategically positioned to catch the readers eye immediately. These words which are cleverly placed above image of a young teenagers laughing and giving the ‘thumbs up’ which gives the impression that Main Street Secondary collage is a school with satisfied students and good values. Smith begins his article happy and by ‘welcoming’ the reader. This is aimed at automatically bringing the reader onto the side of the author and it also makes the reader want to continue reading. Smith goes on to describe the ‘professional development workshops’ that he and other teachers were undergoing. This paragraph is strategically positioned beside an image of an intelligent looking man smiling and holding a book with a library of books in the background. Both these techniques work together to gain the author credibility and gives the reader the impression that he is well learned and knowledgeable. This makes the article ‘more believable’ to the reader. Smith also quotes professionals with the aim of convincing to add credibility to his article when he quotes Dr Lyttlewood from the faculty of education. By putting a quote of a reliable professional in bold large text framed by a box is aimed to cause the reader to immediately believe that the article by smith is not only his opinion but is based on trustworthy professionals. By the fourth paragraph of smiths article becomes more relative to his target audience which is students and parents of Main street secondary collage when he states some hardworking talented students were not recognised because of extremely extenuating circumstances.
The fifth paragraph in smith’s article begins with his argument that awards ‘promoted an unhealthy, competitive culture that undermined the principals of academic collaboration’. By the slowly breaking this view to the reader and cleverly aligning it with another quote by Dr Lyttlewood which is in bold large print the reader is not shocked but rather in agreement with smith. Smith also proceeds wo back this argument with statistics in which states that ‘with 200 students in each year level vying for around 20 awards, over 90% of our students never did and never could receive a school award”. This faces the reader with the fact that taking away the award system would only effect a small 10% of the school negatively. Smith concludes his article by acknowledging ‘all parents and students’ proving to the reader that everyone has been considered before making the decision of changing the awards system. Smith also draws on the school motto which enforces his point to the reader that the school need to “celebrate the efforts of all the students” and the old school awards system “has clearly failed everyone”.
On the 30th of January a comment is posted in rebuttal of this article by RWTillen depicting the opposing view that the school should not throw away the end of school awards night. By using an abrupt and straightforward tone Tillen begins that the “respects a lot of the big changes made in the school” the previous year. This positions the reader to see that the author is not biased and simply disagrees. Tillen cleverly uses metaphors like ‘tall poppy syndrome’ to portray his view that if kids don’t deserve awards then “it shouldn’t matter if it’s weak or strong class”. This shows the reader literally how disappointing it is that the schools end of year awards night is abolished. By using a personal anecdote Tillen states that he “is the father of two main street kids” this statement makes the author relatable and causes the reader to possibly agree with him and confirm within themselves that they also “have never seen evidence of unhealthy competition”.
The conclusion of both articles are unique. While smiths article uses irony stating that constructive feedback is “more significant than… a polite round of applause”, while Tillen agrees with smith in that the awards system needs to be changed he rounds off with a metaphor pleading with smith not to “throw the baby out with the bathwater” again displaying to the reader that abolishing the awards night is naive, too ‘over the top’ and unnecessary. 
 

[hughg16]

Great Job!!!!

Just watch your expressions in some areas.

[literally lauren]

Avoid the following things:

 - commenting on things that "catch the readers' attention" ~this doesn't really lend itself well to persuasion, which is the whole point of the task
 - referring to "paragraph five" etc.
 - "slowly breaking this view to the reader"
 - don't call anything the author does "clever" or "effective" - assume it's persuasive and just explain how and why; there's no need to flatter the writer
 - don't comment on bias if you can avoid it; it tends to get messy and evaluative
 - the "uniqueness" of the articles/contention doesn't need to be mentioned either.

Aside from this, you've got a very good process of analysis, so hope all goes well for you tomorrow!