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March 06, 2021, 09:42:06 am

Author Topic: Argumentative Analysis Essay Feedback  (Read 179 times)  Share 

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LE-0130

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Argumentative Analysis Essay Feedback
« on: January 24, 2021, 06:02:07 pm »
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Hi, just hoping to get some feedback on my timed language analysis exam for section c. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks :)
« Last Edit: January 24, 2021, 06:15:57 pm by LE-0130 »

tiredandstressed

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Re: Argumentative Analysis Essay Feedback
« Reply #1 on: January 24, 2021, 09:02:20 pm »
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I have copied ur essay into to text so it is easier for me to edit. I just rushed through this and tried to be detailed as i can
NEAP 2011 LA Exam
 Timed conditions: 1 hour writing time + 15 minutes reading time.
Your essay edited
Original (typed):
In light of the recent shifts towards news being presented electronically, Lee Brun contends that print media has become outdated by the development of electronic platforms. Adopting an enthusiastic and confident tone, he invites his audience of delegates from the print media to share his endorsement and shift towards more electronically based ways of delivering news.
a good clear introduction serves its purpose- possibly could've expanded more on the issue (in a full sentence, then starting a new sentence to introduce the author) also it would've been good if you could included the text type (a presentation)
In a blunt and authoritative tone, Brun intimates the challenges that print media faces as a consequence to the continued development of electronic media. (sentence strucuture- reword it as Brun contends in an authoritative manner heintimates the challenges that print media faces as a consequence to the continued development of electronic media)  Brun begins by juxtaposing print media to the “ongoing frenetic pace of electronic media” to suggest to the audience that print media is outdated and incomparable to the rapid development of these electronic platforms. This elicits He attempts to elicts the audience’s concern towards the future of print media and engenders their scepticism towards their prior endorsement of print media. This notion is further bolstered by his enumerations of various electronic platforms used to deliver news, such as “search engines, email...Twitter [and] Facebook”. The use of listing litany  (litany- better word choice) here magnifies the influence that electronic media has and further confronts the audience with the rapid development of these electronic platforms. (good- but go further how does this persuade the audience, you moved on too quick) The use of a visual depicting a wave composed of “smart phones”, “Facebook” and other electronic forms of media, looming over “print media” implies that electron media will soon overpower the use of print media. This bluntly clarifies (word choice- clarify? I think its not clarification but actually an affirmative statement) affirms to the audience of the supposed future replacement of print media by electronic platforms, thereby inducing the realisation within the readership that they must shift towards endorsing electronic media instead of print media.
Overall a good start- but I can see you have explained the technique but have not explained how this is persuasive or what's the author's intention on using this technique to persuade his audience. Ask yourself what is the PURPOSE of this language choice, and how does it AIM to persuade the audience to agree with author/ act with the author. Your paragraphs lack this and this is what is needed for a high scoring response.

Having already established the redundancy of print media following the rise of electronic platforms, Brun then adopts a more enthusiastic and confident tone as he reassures the audience that there is a lot of marketing potential associated with electronic media. (try to re-write this more succinctly good that you mentioned in a shift in argument) Through an appeal to the audience’s value of being modern and up-to-date modernity, Brun emphasises the importance of developing and “refin[ing] new techniques” to engage readers, which he here alludes to the use of electronic platforms. Therein, Brun forms an association between electronic media and being up-to-date to invoke the audience’s approval towards the use of electronic platforms to deliver information. (good- but go further how does this persuade the audience, you moved on too quick)  Brun then establishes that his endorsement of electronic media is “by no means against...satisfying audience curiosity”. This reassures the audience that his advocacy of electronic media is solely for the benefit of his customer and in so doing, Brun inculcates the conception within the audience of himself as a reliable and caring individual (good, can mention this bolsters his credibility or is an appeal to ethos). This is coupled with his use of authoritative language to emphasise how they “must” keep “fingers on the pulse of various age groups” through their endorsement of electronic media. Here, Brun conveys the urgency of transitioning away from print media and in so doing, he pressures his audience to share his approval towards the use of electronic media. By characterising the regular use of internet of those “aged 35-64” as a “great opportunity”, Brun highlights to his audience the great marketing potential that the use of electronic media offers to elicit the audience’s approval towards electronically-based information. This ultimately manoeuvres his audience to recognise the benefits associated with electronic media and as such, invites them to endorse this change. (this last part was very well done- it is a shame you didn't go to this amount of detail for the other techniques in the paragraph)
Similiar feedback as BP1, but the ending of this paragraph was done better compared to start

In an optimistic and passionate tone, Brun intimates that electronic payment is the way of the future and as such, should be embraced. (refer to comment in BP2 opening sentence, the similar issue here) By highlighting the benefits of exploiting the “enormous potential of the electronic age”, Brun praises the use of electronic media and the advantages that come with it, ultimately to call upon the audience’s endorsement of this change. (go further- how is this endorsing and what is the author endorsing, explain it) The use of a visual depicting a website of the advertisement of an Australian wide tour, explicitly demonstrates to the audience of the large marketing potential offered by electronic media. By providing an example of the effective use of electronic media to present information in the form of a visual, Brun reinforces the advantages of electronic media ultimately to invite the audience to share his endorsement of delivering information electronically. (a bit repetitive, how is this example endorsing the audience's support. This paragraph was too short, as were the others)
(654 words)
Final comments:
Strikethrough = remove
Green = what i added / positive comments
Red = issues/ improvement advice
Overall a good start, but I think you already know that your essay is quite short, and it is because you were lacking details on how to explain the intended effect of the choice of technique/ language choice.
Your topic sentences could have been more succinct, good to mention tone (especially a shift in tone) but can be worded better and less verbose
You identify and explain what a technique is meant to do, but you failed to analyse how it can persuade the audience to support the author- specifically. To improve this, always link back to the author's purpose, what does the author want the audience to do/believe, by doing this just by adding a sentence or two you will have provided insight in the author's intentions which is what examiners are looking for (you did this well at the end of BP2)
Keep on practising and work on explaining the intended effect (relate to purpose) / progression of argument and your essays will improve with time.
Overall there was some good vocab and minimal punctuation errors which were good to see

final grade
This is would be a low-medium scoring response


« Last Edit: January 24, 2021, 09:04:15 pm by tiredandstressed »
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LE-0130

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Re: Argumentative Analysis Essay Feedback
« Reply #2 on: January 24, 2021, 09:36:19 pm »
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Thank you! I'll keep your feedback in mind and try to improve for next time :)