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December 06, 2020, 08:34:40 am

Author Topic: Paragraph feedback  (Read 228 times)

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0447940204

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Paragraph feedback
« on: November 16, 2020, 06:30:12 pm »
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Hey! :)

I have begun essays for Common Module and was hoping someone might provide feedback on this paragraph? Thanks!

Violence and suppression can determine our societal unity, or division.
    As embodied in ‘I am Malala,’ violence and oppression of education separate whole communities, and in tandem erupts inner conflict within individuals desiring education and freedom. Yousafzai exploits the Taliban, whom desire undemocratic, adulterated pre-eminence, as fomenting division in Swat.
   The gripping remark “some people are afraid of ghosts…spiders or snakes” pointedly alludes to identities of terror and revulsion, before accentuating “we were afraid of our fellow human beings.” Associating the Taliban with menacing “ghosts” and potent “spiders or snakes,” characterizes them as threatening civilians in Swat into immense vulnerability, possessing all power in their hands.
   The Taliban divide Swat society, and most abide by oppressive mandates while few anomalous individuals courageously rebel, insisting women be educated. When the Taliban aggressively close schools, Journalist Hai Kakar confronts Taliban authorities, listing they have “killed…slaughtered…
beheaded…destroyed schools” which have torn Pakistan to shreds. Audiences are exposed to a surreal world where devastating events surround them, subjecting us to the tormenting Taliban, oppressing education and ending innocent lives – traumatizing a nation.
   Furthermore, Yousafzai shares the experience of becoming an IDP, asserting that leaving home “felt like having my heart ripped out.” In alluding to the universal phrase ‘home is where the heart is’ Yousafzai adopts kinesthetic imagery which evokes her audience to witness the young girl as physically divided by the Taliban, where her body exits Swat but she leaves her heart behind. 
   Malala Yousafzai’s confronting illustration exhibits violent dichotomy in society, and correspondingly individuals. Yousafzai graphically challenges audiences, manifesting how viciousness combined with oppression injure humanity, yet correspondingly urges us to contradict evil motivations and inspire a more equal future.

rirerire

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Re: Paragraph feedback
« Reply #1 on: November 19, 2020, 06:53:30 pm »
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A few things I noted:
The topic sentence could be improved, it's quite vague- you should try and link it to the question if possible to add a bit more substance to it.
A general feedback is that you need to link any techniques and explanations back to the question, to the audience and to the module as a whole. All of your techniques are explaining the world of the text- the purpose of the module is to step out of the text and relate it to humanity as a whole.

EG:The Taliban divide Swat society, and most abide by oppressive mandates while few anomalous individuals courageously rebel, insisting women be educated. When the Taliban aggressively close schools, Journalist Hai Kakar confronts Taliban authorities, listing they have “killed…slaughtered…
beheaded…destroyed schools” which have torn Pakistan to shreds. Audiences are exposed to a surreal world where devastating events surround them, subjecting us to the tormenting Taliban, oppressing education and ending innocent lives – traumatizing a nation.

w/ this specific example I would add a few things: "Through the author's use of accumulation, audiences are exposed to xyz"
w/ this line, subjecting us to the tormenting Taliban, oppressing education and ending innocent lives – traumatizing a nation.
this is where I instead would introduce some of the module terms. for example you could talk about us as audiences being invited to see the world differently through the work's reflection of oppressive regime. Always remember in English essays you need to talk about audience, context and purpose. Think about how your text relates to you and your perspective living in a privileged country- what new ideas or points of view does it urge you to consider?

Your final two sentences are good, they're exactly the kind of explanation you need to be giving throughout your paragraphs! I would also urge you to watch out on the syntax and overall verbosity of your work as well, esp in those last two sentences. Your choice of high order language is really good, but try and read it out loud to determine if you're using it correctly, otherwise it could cost you marks.

overall a great start to year 12 English!! well done! :D
« Last Edit: November 19, 2020, 07:07:06 pm by rirerire »