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November 29, 2020, 01:16:06 pm

Author Topic: Nine Days Sample Essay  (Read 277 times)  Share 

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ArtyDreams

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Nine Days Sample Essay
« on: September 28, 2020, 03:53:42 pm »
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Hi AN! I've just written up an intro and body paragraph for a Nine Days Essay (In spoiler) and was just hoping for some feedback? I'm really struggling as I feel like I'm not analysing any where near enough, or not being very sophisticated. Any feedback will be appreciated!!  :D

Spoiler
There is more tragedy in Nine Days than there is joy. To what extent do you agree?

Toni Jordan’s historical fiction, Nine Days, tracks the joyous and tragic moments experienced by the characters from four generations of the Westaway family.  Many tragedies occur in in the text, mostly due to conservative attitudes and the dramatic effects of war on Melbourne society. Although countless tragedies are what shape the narratives of many characters, joyful moments are still shown to emerge from their lives.  The novel demonstrates the fragility of life in both war-ridden and modern-day Melbourne, as well as the consistent losses and adversity needed to be endured by women. Despite the hardships in character’s lives, it is shown that happiness can still be uncovered. As the narrative evolves, Jordan consistently explores the line between tragedy and joy, to show readers that even short-lived happiness amongst difficulties can allow one to feel purpose in life.

The difficulties of being a woman prior to the Women’s Right Movement is discussed by Jordan, mostly due to the scarring tragedies encountered by women during the war. Due to Jean’s determination to preserve her family’s reputation and adhere to social standards, a ‘backyard abortion,’ caused Connie’s tragic death. Jordan condemns the little possibilities available for women in the 1960s, and draws parallels with Charlotte, who was given a ‘choice,’ when she too fell accidently pregnant. Through Jean’s ignorance and indirect initiation of Connie’s death, the author seeks to warn readers of the dangers and tragedy that can occur when one cares more about outside voices than their own family. Annabel’s story also evokes much sympathy, due to her role as a woman during the war. Her struggles to support herself are shown as the ‘girls got their marching orders,’ when ‘the men came home,’ from war, which also demonstrates the priority received by men. Her mother ‘died in childbirth,’  which was a common occurrence in old times, due to the limited medical facilities. This resulted in Annabel growing up with ‘no mother,’ and needing to make extensive sacrifices to look after ‘[her] old man.’ Through this, Jordan references the ongoing tragedies faced by young women. Despite the hardships, Annabel is able to instil a positive outlook in life, whilst prioritising her family’s needs, thus exhibiting that if hardships are overcome, one has hope to live a happier life. Through the inclusion of many feminine characters in her novel, Jordan discusses the countless hurdles and tragedies they faced, due to the limited opportunities and adversities faced by women during old times.
« Last Edit: September 28, 2020, 03:55:48 pm by ArtyDreams »
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Re: Nine Days Sample Essay
« Reply #1 on: September 28, 2020, 04:11:22 pm »
+4
Hi AN! I've just written up an intro and body paragraph for a Nine Days Essay (In spoiler) and was just hoping for some feedback? I'm really struggling as I feel like I'm not analysing any where near enough, or not being very sophisticated. Any feedback will be appreciated!!  :D

Spoiler
There is more tragedy in Nine Days than there is joy. To what extent do you agree?

Toni Jordan’s historical fiction, Nine Days, tracks the joyous and tragic moments experienced by the characters from four generations of the Westaway family.  Many tragedies occur in in the text, mostly due to conservative attitudes and the dramatic effects of war on Melbourne society. Although countless tragedies are what shape the narratives of many characters, joyful moments are still shown to emerge from their lives.  The novel demonstrates the fragility of life in both war-ridden and modern-day Melbourne, as well as the consistent losses and adversity needed to be endured by women. Despite the hardships in character’s lives, it is shown that happiness can still be uncovered. As the narrative evolves, Jordan consistently explores the line between tragedy and joy, to show readers that even short-lived happiness amongst difficulties can allow one to feel purpose in life.

The difficulties of being a woman prior to the Women’s Right Movement is discussed by Jordan, mostly due to the scarring tragedies encountered by women during the war. Due to Jean’s determination to preserve her family’s reputation and adhere to social standards, a ‘backyard abortion,’ caused Connie’s tragic death. Jordan condemns the little possibilities available for women in the 1960s, and draws parallels with Charlotte, who was given a ‘choice,’ when she too fell accidently pregnant. Through Jean’s ignorance and indirect initiation of Connie’s death, the author seeks to warn readers of the dangers and tragedy that can occur when one cares more about outside voices than their own family. Annabel’s story also evokes much sympathy, due to her role as a woman during the war. Her struggles to support herself are shown as the ‘girls got their marching orders,’ when ‘the men came home,’ from war, which also demonstrates the priority received by men. Her mother ‘died in childbirth,’  which was a common occurrence in old times, due to the limited medical facilities. This resulted in Annabel growing up with ‘no mother,’ and needing to make extensive sacrifices to look after ‘[her] old man.’ Through this, Jordan references the ongoing tragedies faced by young women. Despite the hardships, Annabel is able to instil a positive outlook in life, whilst prioritising her family’s needs, thus exhibiting that if hardships are overcome, one has hope to live a happier life. Through the inclusion of many feminine characters in her novel, Jordan discusses the countless hurdles and tragedies they faced, due to the limited opportunities and adversities faced by women during old times.
I have not read the book, so I'm coming from the perspective of someone who doesn't know it at all.

Your introduction:
-Good sentence structure as each sentence goes :)
-Feels a little too wordy and possibly repetitive. Because this is a 'to what extent' question, I'd personally feel you should have a sentence with to what extent (e.g. at the end of the intro, 'Thus, [to what extent], Jordan shows [contention]', but I'm not sure)
-Make your three arguments more clear - it feels like a bunch of more generic statements rather than a clear introduction.
-Good vocabulary :)

Your body paragraph:
-Good vocabulary once again :)
-Does need more analysis - e.g. 'caused Connie's tragic death, which...' &c.
-Instead of 'mostly due' (first sentence), this could be improved by something like [though bear in mind I don't know the story] '...discussed by Jordan through the lens of the scarring...' etc. (although that as a sentence if it was rearranged could be stronger)
-A little too much storytelling - the examiners will already know the story
-A few spelling mistakes (e.g. it should be accidentally rather than accidently)
-Good use of quotes :)
-Good paragraph, although I'm not sure the despite bit should go here - my feeling would be that you should expand the first part and use the despite stuff for a later paragraph (and expand that too) because you need three paragraphs :)
-Don't mix up feminine and female; they're different (but check you've got it right, I'm not sure what you're trying to get at in that sentence because I don't know the book)
->The paragraph is good, the writing I think is sophisticated enough, it just needs more analysis. :)

Please take my suggestions with care - I'm only a year 12 student too, not a brilliant one either.
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Re: Nine Days Sample Essay
« Reply #2 on: September 28, 2020, 08:48:13 pm »
+4
Heya Arty! My line-by-line corrections are in the spoiler below. :) (Disclaimer: year 12, and have not read this text).
Spoiler
There is more tragedy in Nine Days than there is joy. To what extent do you agree?

Toni Jordan’s historical fiction, Nine Days, tracks the joyous and tragic moments experienced by the characters from four generations of the Westaway family.  Many tragedies occur in in the text, mostly due to conservative attitudes and the dramatic effects of war on Melbourne society. Although countless tragedies are what shape the narratives of many characters, joyful moments are still shown to emerge from their lives.  The novel demonstrates the fragility of life in both war-ridden and modern-day Melbourne, as well as the consistent losses and adversity needed to be endured by women. Despite the hardships in character’s lives, it is shown that happiness can still be uncovered. As the narrative evolves, Jordan consistently explores the line between tragedy and joy, to show readers that even short-lived happiness amongst difficulties can allow one to feel purpose in life. I like your intro, however, it doesn't explicitly tell me if you think there is more tragedy or more joy - you only state there is both but there is no specific statement that clearly says which one is given more weight. I think taking a side would greatly benefit the direction of your essay as well (obviously don't fully agree/disagree, more like a 60-70% agree/disagree.

The difficulties of being a woman prior to the Women’s Right Movement is discussed by Jordan, mostly due to the scarring tragedies encountered by women during the war. I'm being nit-picky here but I think this sentence structure could be improved. Also, I'm not sure since I haven't read the text, but is 'due to' the correct phrasing? Do you know definitively that this is why the author has discussed this? I'd be careful with this phrasing, but please take this with a grain of salt, I haven't read the text so everything I'm saying could be wrong. Due to Jean’s determination to preserve her family’s reputation and adhere to social standards, a ‘backyard abortion,’ caused Connie’s tragic death. I think you could explore this idea more! Jordan condemns the little possibilities available for women in the 1960s, and draws parallels good with Charlotte, who was given a ‘choice,’ when she too fell accidently spelling pregnant. Through Jean’s ignorance and indirect initiation of Connie’s death, the author seeks to warn readers of the dangers and tragedy that can occur when one cares more about outside voices than their own family. this would stand out if you compared it to joy - just a simple 'the triumph of tragedy over joy reveals .....' because you;d directly be addressing the prompt and referring to the lack of joy (in line with the feedback I gave for the intro) Annabel’s story also evokes much sympathy, due to her role as a woman during the war. Her struggles to support herself are shown as the ‘girls got their marching orders,’ when ‘the men came home,’ from war, which also demonstrates the priority received by men. Her mother ‘died in childbirth,’  which was a common occurrence in old times, due to the limited medical facilities. This resulted in Annabel growing up with ‘no mother,’ and needing to make extensive sacrifices to look after ‘[her] old man.’ Through this, Jordan references the ongoing tragedies faced by young women. Despite the hardships, Annabel is able to instil a positive outlook in life, whilst prioritising her family’s needs, thus exhibiting that if hardships are overcome, one has hope to live a happier life. Through the inclusion of many feminine characters in her novel, you only analysed 2: Jean and Annabel, so saying 'many' of the feminine characters may be a bit misleading. I also think it would be better to refer to them as 'female', instead of 'feminine', as male characters could be feminine too. Jordan discusses the countless hurdles and tragedies they faced, due to the limited opportunities and adversities faced by women during old times.

Hope this helped!

ArtyDreams

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Re: Nine Days Sample Essay
« Reply #3 on: September 28, 2020, 11:13:57 pm »
+2
Thank you both so so much! I am so truly grateful for both of your feedback  :D
WIll definetely try and incorporate this in future essays - much more extensive than what I usually receive!!
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