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April 10, 2020, 06:41:20 am

Author Topic: The Craft Of Writing - Feedback on creative peice  (Read 338 times)

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heidi02

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The Craft Of Writing - Feedback on creative peice
« on: February 18, 2020, 11:58:18 am »
+1
Thanks : )
« Last Edit: February 21, 2020, 09:29:07 am by heidi02 »

LoneWolf

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Re: The Craft Of Writing - Feedback on creative peice
« Reply #1 on: February 18, 2020, 07:04:28 pm »
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Wow. Heidi02
that is very evokative
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kiwibirdau

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Re: The Craft Of Writing - Feedback on creative peice
« Reply #2 on: February 18, 2020, 08:06:55 pm »
+2
Hi Heidi02,

Just curious, what texts did you take inspiration from while writing this? I ask because it is quite likely that the HSC might ask for a reflection statement - where you have to discuss what authorial decisions you made while writing this narrative - and one of the key aspects is the texts you have read throughout the year.

I think the piece as a whole is well written and uses a variety of stylistic techniques.

Just some general pointers so you can improve the fluidity of your writing:
- The plot of the story is a bit complicated. That is, how did a child enter the front-lines of war and how did the mother allow the child outside the house/a supposedly safe-area?
- Some of the elements - such as the photograph - feel a bit out of place. Usually quotes are not printed on an image or I may have misinterpreted it. It might be more believable if was a postcard written to the persona or a flyer that the persona's mother brought into the house (e.g. mother in a support group for families with army officers etc) - indirectly shows the emotional toll.
-  There was generally very little interaction between the father and child --> if the theme was parent-child relationship maybe expanding a bit more on the child's perseverance - it shouldn't simply be the threat of weapons or grenades - but also the threat of people pulling him/her back and stopping them from finding their father (showing a sense of resistance etc.) - and also after the father was found - describe a bit more of how his appearance has changed and that though the foreignness of who the persona sees frightens him/her - with a backdrop of war, the light of eternal love and connection blinds the inherent darkness.
- There was in some places too much "show", though you have very evocative language and really awesome descriptions - that markers love, at times some things can be more simply presented to advance the plot and more importantly show why this relationship is so important to the persona.
- Flashbacks could be something you add to contextualise the moment and further demonstrate the temporality of human experiences (linking to Common Module).

I might type up some more feedback, this was very brief (sorry), but on the whole I really like this creative and I think the best way to be prepared for the daunting HSC is to continually edit your work and write for a variety of stimuli. Good luck and would love to keep reading your work!
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K.Smithy

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Re: The Craft Of Writing - Feedback on creative peice
« Reply #3 on: February 18, 2020, 08:50:21 pm »
+8
Overall, I think it was good. Your use of imagery was very good. One main point that I want to make is: make sure every sentence has a purpose. While the story, in whole, was good, there are parts that are hard to follow and some parts that don't seem relevant to the major plot line. So, I recommend just sitting down and really reading through it and asking yourself: what is the point of this sentence? Is this sentence relevant to the plot? Does this sentence help the plot line progress? This will also help you stay within the word limit :) I would also check your grammar. Just make sure you are putting commas in the correct places. 

Haze ascended upon the mountains, dampening the mud crusted clothes clinging to my body.
Do you mean to say descended? Saying ascended would meet that the haze has made its way up from the bottom of the mountain, descended would mean that it has come down upon the mountain. Also, is your character on a mountain throughout the story? This first sentence gives me the impression that they are but the rest of the story gives me the impression that they aren't.

In the distance a grenade shatters to life, destroying everything within reach.
It might just be me, but saying "shatters to life" doesn't quite feel right - like I understand what you are saying, but I would consider possibly rewording. It's a bit of an oxymoron, but if that was your intention, then just ignore me ;D

I felt down deep within my pocket, searching for the small photograph of my father. Something jabbed at my heart. A single tear stung my eye as before me the camera lens captured the innocence of the future sparkling within his eyes, right before he faced the unknown of the frontline. I swiped the grit from his face, relishing the thought of finding him in this graveyard. Placing the photograph into the depths of my pocket ensured a sense of safekeeping before I wandered on. “In the midst of chaos, there is also opportunity” encouraged me to continue this battle. Finding my father alive, was always at the front of my mind, never letting myself forget the reason I was there.
The descriptive language and imagery here is wonderful! However, it is really hard to follow. I'm not quite sure what you mean by saying "relishing the thought of finding him in this graveyard." I interpret that as your character being excited to see their dad dead, or you character being excited to die so that they can see their dad... but then you say that "Finding my father alive, was always at the front of my mind." So I don't think my interpretations are correct.

Men crawled around behind boulders, seeking shelter from the piercing effects of deadly bullets. Their faces hidden in the shadows of the night extinguished any chance of knowing which man was my father. I scrambled behind the men, keeping a low profile. Woooshhhhh! A shard of metal sliced past my ear. I slammed my hands over my head in a feeble attempt to reduce the chance of getting dragged off the battlefield dead. “Get down girl, before we have to drag you out of here cold!” yelled a gruff voice over the commotion of bullets blasting from the barrels. Men were dropping down in every direction I glimpsed. Everything told me to turn back, but a small piece of me was determined to prove mum wrong. I could do this, I could bring dad home! I hurled my aching body onto my feet, placing one foot in front of the other. A smile tugged on my lips; a hot shower back at base, a deliciously soft mattress, hot meals and sociable drinks entered my mind. Such small luxuries in a land of hate were all we could afford. It was hard over here, having to form new friends all over again, having to go through the ‘getting to know you’ process, having to sacrifice what we didn’t even know we had. Everything had changed when I made the decision to leave home.
I quite like this paragraph :)

Innocent people had been taken advantage of. Innocent minds had been influenced by evil.
What purpose do these sentences have?

Black tears trailed down my cheeks.
Why were they black?

My head slammed into the mud, asphyxiating my regular breathing patterns. Pain sliced down my leg and into my ankle, crippling my body. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t help myself.
You might wanna consider changing the word mud in the first sentence - or consider changing the word "slammed". You describe the pain they feel in the next couple of sentences - slamming into mud wouldn't hurt as much as slamming into the hard ground (does this make sense?)
Also, "asphyxiating" doesn't work that sentence.

Rain stung my battered face, forcing my head to bow to the wind. I searched the dark, silent trenches for the familiar voice. Soldiers in all directions stopped and stared, looking me up and down as if they had seen a zombie. Each step on these crutches triggered a thread of pain pulsing throughout my aching body. In the far corner of this dark corridor, a lamp shone, shimmering specks of hope into the dull atmosphere. Each leaf outlined a different shade of yellow, dignifying its presence in this land of hate. I stood under the light soaking in the fraction of warmth offered. The lights soft buzz transmitted a renewed energy to finish what I started. I rounded a corner, slamming into a solid frame, knocking me off my feet. Our eyes locked. My heart stopped. My brain went into overdrive, as reality sank in: my father, here, standing over me. I swung my arms around his masculine body. Joy coursed throughout my body, yet a whimper escaped. Tears flooded my eyes as relief washed over me. My light, my guardian angel, my drive. I squeezed tighter, unwilling to let go. Finally, we were a family again.
In earlier paragraphs you spoke about how the character was carried away and how they were holding onto their bedsheets. This gave me the impression that they were placed in a hospital, but in this scene they are in the trenches. But then you refer to a corridor. I think the main thing I would work on for the last three paragraphs is how you explain the settings - just so your story flows a bit better.


You've done really well so far, and it was quite an enjoyable read. I hope my feedback makes sense and is somewhat helpful. Good luck! :) 
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K.Smithy

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Re: The Craft Of Writing - Feedback on creative peice
« Reply #4 on: February 19, 2020, 12:23:43 pm »
+3
Wow wow wow!!!! ;D Your ability to apply feedback is so incredible! The story was always great, but the edited version really brings everything together and helps make it flow a bit better (which helps everything that is great about it really shine through!)

Good work! I wish you the best of luck :)
QCE 2020: Physics || Psychology || Biology || Mathematical Methods || General English || Study of Religion

Aspirations: Secondary Education - Mathematics and Science