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February 28, 2021, 11:05:54 pm

Author Topic: Last Year of VCE: Will Elle take a big L?  (Read 11415 times)

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Coolgalbornin03Lo

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Re: Last Year of VCE: Will Elle take a big L?
« Reply #120 on: November 23, 2020, 06:37:36 pm »
+12
The end  :P

I really thought Iíd have some happy update for you guys. But Iím actually just really upset, sitting in the dark in my room as I write this.

The chemistry exam was amazing of course and I loved it but I think a made a few too many mistakes and perhaps wrote too much but oh well, and for that egg question grrr I (not really) got it but I didnít use the word denature! 0/3 marks for me  :D

The euphoria post Chem exam was euphoric....hehe. Iíve split my sentence here as this is where the fuzzy good times end folks.

Reality Check
(continues from Chem euphoria) But now I just feel indifferent to what reality is now for the rest of my life. Being just lonley. Everyone has all these plans to do fun things with their friends but now that schools finished my ďfriendsĒ are no longer obligated to pretend to wanna see me. In fact they hung out today without me after Chem but I donít really mind Iíd rather be alone.

I canít belive I was looking forward to the end of VCE. I mean what was I really looking forward to? I really donít care for this or what my ATARS going to be. I donít care about anything anymore. I donít care what uni course I get into what study scores I get- everything just seems so irrelevant itís a little sad. I donít even wanna watch friends or play sims 3- all the things Iíve been powering through exams for.

It seems like such a lie- one ive been running away from through study. I start work tomorrow and I donít even want money anymore I just wanna stay in bed all day. Itís weird how everything I thought I wanted just doesnít mean anything anymore. Iím gonna end this here because Iím not sure what the point was.

Me departing from AN
Iím not sure if Iíll come back. I feel horrible as it is and seeing people aiming for 40 study scores in a subject they ďfailedĒ doesnít make it any better. I really donít think I shouldíve hung around here as much as I did. A lot of people here really helped me because your all so nice 💜 but at the same time seeing people being depressed over getting seriously high scores Iíll never reach really made me feel worthless and I still do. For that reason I probably wonít post my scores or come back to look on results day. It seriously irked me when people constantly say they failed and their worst subject will be ďlow 40sĒ. Like this guy (irl) said that further was ďan easy 48Ē grrrr. I think some people should just shut up and kick the bucket. We cannot all get amazing scores in our ďworseĒ subjects so please stop spreading that negativity because no one asked. I actually have hate for people itís real. The sad thing is those people exist everywhere. They canít just die because I want them to and thatís okay. Iíve come to terms with it. Iíve come to terms with a lot of things. Like the fact that Iím dumb and I canít change it. Or that Iím ugly and I canít change that either. Itís all okay

contradictories statement
That said maybe if I start to enjoy life I may post my scores or something (as I like finishing what I started and without them this journal would be incomplete) Iím just not sure right now Iím confused as to whatís happening and I just wish I could find happiness somewhere but, I genuinely donít believe it exists anymore and I think everythingís a lie. How can people laugh with each other? Eat with each other? Knowing that itís all really nothing Iím confused as to why we do this any of it. Why donít we just GIVE up. I donít understand. I wish I was wired normally so I could just see things like everyone else~ the ignorance seems bliss. Instead I can just see this stuff that I hate. Itís just bland.

Iím not sure what that garbage was but writing it made me feel better I think? At least Iím not crying anymore right?

Clarification on ME
Also I know I seem spiteful. Iím not a people hater I promise. Iíve just had so many bad experiences with people and they just seem SO BAD I think they all hate me or wanna hurt me, Iím not really sure whatís up. Thereís no one I can really tell so I just write it here. Lucky for you guys high school is over so you never have to heat any of my stupid thoughts again  :) :)

I would talk about my other subjects but I failed them also. Maybe Iíll say something later. If your seriously interested though I posted on the study score prediction thread with a nice little message that I think we should all remember  :)

Salut, AN
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The Cat In The Hat

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Re: Last Year of VCE: Will Elle take a big L?
« Reply #121 on: November 23, 2020, 06:49:57 pm »
+10
The end  :P

I really thought Iíd have some happy update for you guys. But Iím actually just really upset, sitting in the dark in my room as I write this.

The chemistry exam was amazing of course and I loved it but I think a made a few too many mistakes and perhaps wrote too much but oh well, and for that egg question grrr I (not really) got it but I didnít use the word denature! 0/3 marks for me  :D

The euphoria post Chem exam was euphoric....hehe. Iíve split my sentence here as this is where the fuzzy good times end folks.

Reality Check
(continues from Chem euphoria) But now I just feel indifferent to what reality is now for the rest of my life. Being just lonley. Everyone has all these plans to do fun things with their friends but now that schools finished my ďfriendsĒ are no longer obligated to pretend to wanna see me. In fact they hung out today without me after Chem but I donít really mind Iíd rather be alone.

I canít belive I was looking forward to the end of VCE. I mean what was I really looking forward to? I really donít care for this or what my ATARS going to be. I donít care about anything anymore. I donít care what uni course I get into what study scores I get- everything just seems so irrelevant itís a little sad. I donít even wanna watch friends or play sims 3- all the things Iíve been powering through exams for.

It seems like such a lie- one ive been running away from through study. I start work tomorrow and I donít even want money anymore I just wanna stay in bed all day. Itís weird how everything I thought I wanted just doesnít mean anything anymore. Iím gonna end this here because Iím not sure what the point was.

Me departing from AN
Iím not sure if Iíll come back. I feel horrible as it is and seeing people aiming for 40 study scores in a subject they ďfailedĒ doesnít make it any better. I really donít think I shouldíve hung around here as much as I did. A lot of people here really helped me because your all so nice 💜 but at the same time seeing people being depressed over getting seriously high scores Iíll never reach really made me feel worthless and I still do. For that reason I probably wonít post my scores or come back to look on results day. It seriously irked me when people constantly say they failed and their worst subject will be ďlow 40sĒ. Like this guy (irl) said that further was ďan easy 48Ē grrrr. I think some people should just shut up and kick the bucket. We cannot all get amazing scores in our ďworseĒ subjects so please stop spreading that negativity because no one asked. I actually have hate for people itís real. The sad thing is those people exist everywhere. They canít just die because I want them to and thatís okay. Iíve come to terms with it. Iíve come to terms with a lot of things. Like the fact that Iím dumb and I canít change it. Or that Iím ugly and I canít change that either. Itís all okay

contradictories statement
That said maybe if I start to enjoy life I may post my scores or something (as I like finishing what I started and without them this journal would be incomplete) Iím just not sure right now Iím confused as to whatís happening and I just wish I could find happiness somewhere but, I genuinely donít believe it exists anymore and I think everythingís a lie. How can people laugh with each other? Eat with each other? Knowing that itís all really nothing Iím confused as to why we do this any of it. Why donít we just GIVE up. I donít understand. I wish I was wired normally so I could just see things like everyone else~ the ignorance seems bliss. Instead I can just see this stuff that I hate. Itís just bland.

Iím not sure what that garbage was but writing it made me feel better I think? At least Iím not crying anymore right?

Clarification on ME
Also I know I seem spiteful. Iím not a people hater I promise. Iíve just had so many bad experiences with people and they just seem SO BAD I think they all hate me or wanna hurt me, Iím not really sure whatís up. Thereís no one I can really tell so I just write it here. Lucky for you guys high school is over so you never have to heat any of my stupid thoughts again  :) :)

I would talk about my other subjects but I failed them also. Maybe Iíll say something later. If your seriously interested though I posted on the study score prediction thread with a nice little message that I think we should all remember  :)

Salut, AN
I don't know what to say to this, but the thing that was really sticking out to me while I read it was, please please please go for help and talk it through with someone. Having observed someone in my life go emotionally downhill in the past, I hate to see the way how you are is reminding me of that. It scares me. Please don't leave yourself in this mindset.

And even though you maybe can't see it because you're inside it, some of your statements are just all wrong. E.g.: 'I'm dumb'. Excuse me, did a dumb alien just take over you? You're not dumb, it's very clear throughout your journal. Also, this one. 'Lucky for you guys high school is over so you never have to heat any of my stupid thoughts again'. Did you notice we're not required to read your journal? That we read it because it's interesting? Let me say that again, your journal is interesting, it's not stupid or we wouldn't read it. Seen the number of views you've got on this lately? Hint: it's not just you that's looking at it. And also: 'Knowing that it's all really nothing'; it's not. I repeat, it's not. You may not feel like you have a purpose at the moment. But you do. God has a purpose for each and every one of us. John 16:33, words of Jesus - 'In the world you have trials, but take courage, for I have overcome the world.' Take courage! There are trials, but they're not the end, though at the time they feel like it. You won't be given more than you can bear (1 Corinthians 10:13). Please, take care of yourself.

Stay safe.

PS: My PMs are always open.
« Last Edit: November 23, 2020, 06:55:39 pm by The Cat In The Hat »
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whys

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Re: Last Year of VCE: Will Elle take a big L?
« Reply #122 on: November 23, 2020, 07:43:39 pm »
+8
Hey Elle,
Firstly, I want to second what The Cat In The Hat said - you should definitely reach out to someone you trust (e.g. an older guardian) to talk about your feelings. Opening up about your feelings can definitely make you feel better. To me, nothing matters only when you believe nothing matters. Once you start giving certain things importance in life, they start mattering. It may be a long, difficult journey, but I believe in you. Your ATAR doesn't have to matter as much as it might. It won't matter unless you decide it matters. I am sad to see you go, whether that be temporarily or forever, but I do hope that your departure allows you to distance yourself from the things that are stressing you out - it's a very good thing to do.

I'm so glad you were happy about the chem exam! That's really good that you felt that way - especially ending school/exams on a positive note.

Maybe try rest up a little, and perhaps you'll regain your interest for The Sims and Friends again (I can really vouch for The Sims - it's very addicting once you start!). Have a well-deserved break, eat lots of chocolate, and most importantly, do things that make you happy.
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dedformed

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Re: Last Year of VCE: Will Elle take a big L?
« Reply #123 on: November 23, 2020, 11:05:44 pm »
+8
Echoing what whys and Cat In the hat said.

Be proud of yourself for finishing VCE! Sad to see you go ;-; hope we stay in touch once in a while through pms :)

Also I just wanted to say: dont beat yourself up because you think someone else's "worse" grades  are better than yours. It's all relative. If someone has a very high average for a particular subject, they might feel like a 70 is a bad score, while for someone scoring in the 50s, a 70 is a good score. When people complain it's because their vision of self and actual reality clash, and everyone has different visions. Dont base your worth on other people's goals, it will only hurt you. You are not defined by grades, everyone has different academic calibre and you get my point I'm rambling now lol.

I hope you find great friends and build strong connections in uni. Take a deserved break and get that bucket list rolling! If there's people that clash with you remember in ten years it won't matter. dAb oN tHE hAterS!

Anyway there's a fly in my room moving around my ear and it's driving me insane.

Good luck, and be kind to yourself!
« Last Edit: November 24, 2020, 06:13:23 am by dedformed »
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Coolgalbornin03Lo

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Re: Last Year of VCE: Will Elle take a big L?
« Reply #124 on: January 16, 2021, 03:25:28 pm »
+12
 The End ⭐️🪦

I couldnít use spoilers so this is very big- sorry.


Iím just here to say my life has officially fallen apart one last time. Is uni in person? It looks like it is but I just canít deal with being alone so much. I made a rash decision and quit all social media because I wasnít seeing anything good. Iíve almost gotten over the fact that I know no one who truly cares about me, but I also tearing me apart a bit.

I got my offer and feel absolutely nothing, I feel broken. Not at the offer because I donít care: I donít care about anything. Iím not sure why but I guess this is just life now. Iíve come to terms with the fact that being happy or having friends just isnít something for me and I guess Iím fine with it? Although Iím never fine so perhaps thatís inaccurate......

Also Iím not going to post my scores. Iíll however say I did get above 90. Not that thatís an achievement on AN. Itís easy to be mad that some people get whatever they want full marks all through school and no worries. I feel like my life is horrible and I wouldnít like to bring others down with me but I guess one day hopefully theyíll be dealt the OTHER hand life has to offer. Iím not bitter I just like equality- we all deserve equal parts good and bad. But what do I know about peopleís lives? They could seem to academically and socially have it all but there parents me be abusive or something. Or maybe theyíre about to be hit with a car. Maybe theyíll have some sort of depressive episoide later in life? Who knows? I just hope by the very end weíve all had the same about of bad, and good of course lol.

Sorry for the unanswered PMs- Iím sure whatever you need will gravitate towards you- like it always seems to do for that small percentage of the world which seems to make up a large portion of AN :)

Iím not upset that life is like this but I have began to question the existence of god. I do believe but Iíve just realised if god did exist would he want me to feel like this? For others to achieve so much more despite me working just as hard, if not harder in some circumstances? If so thatís whack.

I donít mean to sound like I want some people dead because they can achieve. I just want to know why itís only like that for certain people? I just wanna know that they are losing out somewhere else to compensate for what they are winning academically. You canít just have happy people- thatís not how it works. One time my ďfriendĒ from years ago said ďyou wanna watch the world burnĒ which I guess is correct but not in the most morbid sense of the term! In the nice way.

Iím hoping Iím one of those dumb people that excels at uni. I find it gratifying when people that were smart in high school suddenly fail uni and the dumlings are all of a sudden getting really high WAMs. Makes me feel like the world is fair. The reason this makes me mad is that we all work hard itís not like they work any harder. And yes this is an us and them situation.

Anyway Iím out and donít expect to see me on atarnotes Iím not sure this place was any good for me or if I ever did anything except pollute it with my dark thoughts (although I do filter myself quite a bit on here mostly putting ďupbeatĒ stuff).

Since Iím leaving I can say what Iíve observed about AN- it resembles real life. There are the ďpopularĒ users and everybody congratulates them for whatever, a bit of feet licking here and there and it occurs back and forth. And then thereís people like me who can never be part of the elite. Behind the screens though we are all just people. Who arenít any better than those who cannot (or donít try to) achieve the scores usually thrown around on here. Maybe in the future this advice can be taken to make people feel more welcome. Also NOTE when giving someone typed advice donít sound so blunt! Stuff being typed up sounds way more blunt that irl! Which may just be your personality but please think before typing!

But itís also a good place for those said elite. It must be tough having the pressure of perfecting everything so coming on here to have your ego stroked or your self esteem bolstered may have actually been serotonin releasing or something. So itís not a totally bad platform. And people also seem to play games with each other and help out kids and stuff which is nice☺️ and the uni subject reviews are amazing and all the mods who help and send us helpline numbers etc.

Thanks for attending my Ted talk, the answer to my journal is yes, Elle did take the biggest L and will continue to do so.
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Bri MT

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Re: Last Year of VCE: Will Elle take a big L?
« Reply #125 on: January 16, 2021, 04:37:50 pm »
+13
Hey,

Certainly no need to apologise for writing something big and long.

At this stage it looks like uni will be in person. Fingers crossed.

I don't know enough about your life to tell you with certainty that you do have people who care about you irl, but I do know that when someone is in the type of mental place you're in it can be very easy for them to overlook people who do care and to focus more on negatives than positives.

It can be very difficult to believe in a positive future when you don't have much experience with what you are hoping for but that doesn't mean you can't reach it. Not experiencing happiness or having friends in this part of your life doesn't mean that that is permanently out of your reach. There's no magic cure but there are paths to better.

Yeah a lot of people who share their scores on AN have very high scores (the uni results threads are even more ridiculously skewed). To me it's not the number that makes the achievement but how it ties into the person's attitudes, even without considering that aspect a score in the top 10% of the state is something that most people would consider an achievement anyway. I was kind of lucky that although I went through a time period where I didn't want to be alive earlier on in high school I emerged from that before year 12; I doubt I would've gotten a 90+ ATAR had I been in that headspace during VCE.

From the outside I definitely would've come across as one of those "achieves and has everything" people. I'm not about to go into the specifics of my Tragic Sob Story or anything & there are definitely people who achieve a lot without seeming to have gone through as much difficulty but at the end of the day - as much as highschool forces a comparison system onto us - I prefer to live trying not to look through that lens. Yeah it can be incredibly frustrating to see the imbalances and to wish it was a level playing field for everyone but I've learnt to do what I can and be less thrown off by it. Easier said than done, and for me it's taken a fair bit of time but I hope that in time you also find it easier to cope.

I wish you the best of luck for uni and I hope that you do get the high WAM you want. Given the ATAR you got while dealing with everything going on in your life atm I'm guessing you're probably not dumb but I hope you achieve what you'd like to regardless.

I definitely wouldn't say you've been polluting the forums at all. I don't know if you've seen this, but the uni journey journal voted most popular this year is definitely not an upbeat one.

On the note about popularity I would say this: people tend to engage more with people who engage with them. So of course users who are very active and tend to post on a bunch of journals, send messages etc then usually end up with more people reciprocating that. Sometimes as well people feel more comfortable replying to something where the socially appropriate response is more obvious; congratulating someone on getting into a dream course is generally a more obvious reply than how to respond to someone tackling difficulties. It doesn't mean that anyone is better than anyone else.

If anything I've replied to you with has been grating or come across as very blunt I'm genuinely sorry.


I know I've said this before & I'm terribly bad at getting help sometimes but I would really strongly encourage you to seek help if that's at all accessible to you. It's something I found useful even after getting out of the worst of it & I wish I would've reached out properly much sooner. I'm not sure what uni you will be going to but at Monash there's free counselling, otherwise you could talk to a gp about getting on a mental health care plan or contact somewhere like headspace. You might have to try a few people to find someone who works for you but life can be better than how you're experiencing it right now and you deserve to get to a more positive future.

Wishing you all the best.

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Re: Last Year of VCE: Will Elle take a big L?
« Reply #126 on: January 16, 2021, 05:23:57 pm »
+9
I definitely second Bri's comment.

Also, congratulations on getting above 90. It may not feel like so much of an achievement at the moment perhaps but it really is; the 'dumb' ones don't get that. In other words, you're not dumb.

Um, I don't know what else to say. I want to say things but I don't know how to say them.

About the existence of God; I know that doubts will come but keep believing. God is real, he is there. He won't give us more trouble than we can bear, even if it feels like we will crumble. Trust in God. He doesn't want you to feel like you are at the moment; sometimes we just get in those ways because of our own human nature (note: if it comes across this way, I'm not trying to make you feel like this is all your fault, because I don't think it is. Just that we're all, I don't know, fallible? - Which includes the ones who seem to have everything together in their lives. Remember, theirs is a facade too, I think everyone's company faces are masks, to a greater or lesser extent). Just keep doing your best to trust and hope in God, and it'll get better. May not feel that way, but it will. I'm praying for you.

Also, people may get more than you do. Even if we leave aside the thought that comparison isn't a good idea, that's life. If you work hard and work hard consistently, as you've clearly done in the year gone past, you'll do better than the ones who have incredible natural smartness and sail through life. Might work for VCE, but not in real life. Your hard work will pay off. I'm glad you got the offer and I hope at uni you meet some nice friendly people.

I hope life improves for you.

If you ever want to, honestly, my PMs are open.

Sending, I don't know, hugs and care and compassion?,
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Re: Last Year of VCE: Will Elle take a big L?
« Reply #127 on: January 16, 2021, 09:49:11 pm »
+7
First off, congrats on getting through year 12 and coming out the other side above 90, that's not an easy feet!

I certainly relate to the feeling of being on the low side with my atar, especially with only getting in the low nineties compared to others on atar notes, but it honestly should never have to define you. You were able to get the high means you certainly are not dumb, and I have no doubt you can rise up in the uni ranks and get that high wam.

I understand knowing about wanting to watch others have their downfalls, when life throws you so many curve balls your way, to see others not having to jump the hoops to get to the same spot can be hard to watch. I gave up so much in order to get that score, and as Bri mentioned, there's no need for the sob story but I can 100% understand where your coming from. I hope that your hard work and determination will pay off for you in the future, because that's you deserve to be able to reach those goals and dreams that you want for yourself!

Leaving social media is a great idea, I dropped off the face of the planet on platforms from year 10, only making a few yearly visits to check up on family. It can be just so draining on yourself to see others do things you wish (although I don't think they really have fun 90% of the time?). Do what you need to do to feel like you again, and I hope in the future your life will get to a place you want to be.

Hopefully i'm not too blunt, totally get what you mean with the typed thing (i'm that annoying person in texts messages who ends things with a smiley face emoji even if it's just the word "ok"..... to soften it out).

If you ever want to chat, always up for it, but i'm wishing you the best, enjoy the freedom before uni  :)
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