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June 06, 2020, 01:34:38 am

Author Topic: Major work - urgent feedback please  (Read 201 times)

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Major work - urgent feedback please
« on: August 27, 2019, 05:55:48 pm »
I have a Preliminary Major work for English Extension coming up and I have decided to do a film with the story being told through freestyle poetry. I would greatly appreciate any feedback and comments on the draft for my poem :)

Background information
My poem is based on my book of study which is Fahrenheit 451. We are able to take an idea or concept from this book and complete a major on it in any form we like. I wanted to take the idea of Fahrenheit 451's dystopian world and change the storytelling of it i.e.poem. The poem acts as a voice that is talking to the protagonist. They are trying to "sell" the dull world of Fahrenheit 451 to this person who is fed up with living in our present world. Essentially, the voiceover "person" is part of the brainwashed society of this dystopian world and I wanted to convey this through their language and literary techniques.

- Thank you in advance   ;D

Seated with present, are you comfortable?
Are you comfortable yet?
Is your foot rooted in the bygone, firm?
Are you aimlessly wandering inside the maze in your head?
Hedges held up by thoughts?
Nay, find solace
By and by, yester be shuffling off her mortal coil
Have a taste of exhibit one;
the burning of the worldís oil

Seated with present, are you ready?
Are you ready yet?
Looking for the map? No need for such
Itís an easy route, no bridges to cross
Grab your coat though
Cold world out there in seventh heaven
Cold world out there, you see
When the world surrenders to snow

Where am I?
Itís home, donít act a dreary affair
Look around, savour the sight
The die has been cast, the gale has subsided
Yet the ship still sails
Why have your eyes grown wide?
What is this Ďemotioní so clear?
You must have not heard this worldís swan song
Ever so calming, as one who safe in heaven, sings
like a whisper through deaf ears,
Silences that cannot unring

Where are you going?
What are you running from?
Unexpected surprises, youíll learn to apprize
The beauty, the snow buried in her eyes
Savour the scene, while it is glazed in sugar,
Consider it entertainment,
Itís entertaining to see you yearning to escape
A world, where the wind does not blow,
birds do not fly nor fall,
Stain free, pain free
Overdose on aspirin
Donít fret, itís fine
Consider it cloud nine

Eyes open, mind made of glass
Donít flicker, donít blink
Sit still please, donít stir
Too late, too late, donít stir
Black doves, white crows
Read into it not,
Blended into bird borsch
Come up smelling like a rose

Thatís it, nearly there
Undamaged, untarnished, unblemished
Stainless, taintless, seamless
I see you still are stained with impurity
Become like linen without thread, detached yet unsoiled
Song without words, sterilizing minds
Clean, get cleansed,
I see you still are stained with impurity
None of that,
Letís laugh! Be happy, now
Stop crying, weíll have a party!

Look, look!
(person looks)
Your family
My family
Itís fun really,
Watching them burn
Doesnít everything look nice
Everyone looks swell
When you get bored
Just change the channel

Dancing with black doves
Thinking like sloths
I see you are cleansed,
Its fun isnít it
Talking to the walls,
Flowing with no rhythm
Living without light
The sky red, black and brown
For heresy burnt alive
Neither joy, not love, no darkness
Nor pain in trade for; nor pleasure
Resplendent red roses, wither with time,
fall in death,
Yes, mindless, seamless, cleansed, yes
They tell me things, the angels
Taking fire and me out together
I laugh, they laugh; and the colours!  (the protagonist and the voiceover say this part together, show that they are both consumed into this world together)
Thatís the spirit
Seated with future, are you comfortable,
Are you comfortable yet?