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October 18, 2019, 12:02:12 pm

Author Topic: PROOFREAD SHORT STORY  (Read 227 times)

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Manraj_Birk

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PROOFREAD SHORT STORY
« on: August 05, 2019, 06:51:27 pm »
+1
Hello, could you please be able to proofread and have a look, please. It is written in school tomorrow in 2 hours and just want to proofread it and see if there are any area in which I can improve. Thanks

Bri MT

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Re: PROOFREAD SHORT STORY
« Reply #1 on: August 05, 2019, 08:16:24 pm »
+4
Hey :) Welcome to atarnotes!

What subject is this written for?

Writing natural-sounding dialog is difficult and I think that using Australian phrases is a nice touch given the context of the story :)

Reading over it there are a some things that I can pick out:
- there are a few times where I feel like you give the reader unnecessary information that doesn't contribute to the story e.g. the bus section has a fair bit of this
- sometimes it's unclear who a pronoun is reffering to. E.g. "He went to the assigned pick up location" could refer to Dave or Jack
- At the start of the story present tense is used but immediately after they are at the airbase - this doesn't make sense
- it would be good to follow "show don't tell" a bit more. For example, rather than saying that Dave is looking forward to seeing his children, you could describe how his heart filled with joy at the prospect of seeing his family again or that the thought of reuniting with his family was a lifeline he held onto in the bleakness of the trenches.  As another example, rather than saying he couldn't there was no sign of his family you could describe him searching for them, and maybe making up excuses for why they weren't there (but growing increasingly concerned). You've done this a little bit when he comes home, but it would be great to convey more of his mental state/emotions through the airport -> home search process
- I'm a bit confused about the 'incredible experience' line.
- What's the point of Jack in the story?


I hope this helps :) Good luck for tomorrow!
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