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December 11, 2019, 05:01:39 pm

Author Topic: 2019 AA Club - Week 12  (Read 410 times)

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MissSmiley

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2019 AA Club - Week 12
« on: July 15, 2019, 10:00:11 am »
+4
Hi everyone  :)

It'll be interesting to see this week, how people write about this author's arguments! Remember, for the exam, you could very well be given a metaphorical story type text like this, which would really test your ability to pick out one central argument and then analyse the sentiments that the writer tries to elicit from his audience! All the best!

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My friend in a wheelchair's vision could save Sculpture by the Sea for Bondi
by Adam Long

Justin Reid and I have been friends for more than 40 years, since we were kids, so I’ve seen the relentless effect of muscular dystrophy on his body. That thing sucks. Justin’s relied on a wheelchair for a long time, so when he got a flyer in his letterbox more than a decade ago, inviting him to enjoy the nearby coastal "walk", he got fired up.

Next time we caught up, he told me about his dream to create step-free access to the cliff-top path around the headlands south of Bondi. I laughed, like countless others before and since. But later I took that walk, and I realised it was possible. Have a look for yourself.

In essence, Justin’s path follows the contour lines, instead of going up and down where the stairs are. We presented the idea to Waverley Council in 2009, where it was given universal support but no promise of funding.

The “rollercoaster” – from the south end of Bondi to Marks Park, the headland green space between Bondi and Tamarama – was costed at $2 million. Serious money, but not ridiculous for the busiest stretch of the busiest scenic path in the nation.

So we were sad last week to see Waverley Council had already started work on a disability-access path that takes none of Justin’s suggestions into account – and, as a consequence, that Sculpture by the Sea is threatening to withdraw its annual crowd-pleasing event and take it elsewhere.

The path, as it's being built, runs along the ridgeline of Marks Park, precisely where many of the best sculptures are displayed each year, the event's organisers complain.

But 10 years ago, Justin and I never considered building the path on that ridge. That's because it is  exposed to strong and gusty winds.

Justin's path would have been built in the lee of the embankment leading to the plateau of Marks Park. Here it would be protected from the wind and shaded, in places, by trees. It would not have interfered with the prized position for sculptures, and we believe it would have been safer – and cheaper.

We hope it's not too late for the council to change tack and modify the works now under way.

Justin's path would also be well clear of rising sea levels and storm surges, such as the one that destroyed a section of the coastal walk a few years back.

And a short pathway curving up to Marks Park from the coastal walk would allow access between the two paths for prams, and anyone else unable to climb the stairs.

One day, we hope, it could go all the way to Bondi – without a single step.

Image: https://imgur.com/HW3yZo7


2017 : Further Maths [38]
2018 : English [45] ;English Language [43] ; Food Studies [47] ;French [33] ;Legal Studies [39]
VCE ATAR : 98.10
2019 - 2023 : Bachelor of Laws (Honours) and Bachelor of Arts at Monash University

I'm selling a huge electronic copy of  VCE English essays and resources document (with essays that have teacher feedback and marks) for $10. Feel free to PM me for details!

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Re: 2019 AA Club - Week 12
« Reply #1 on: July 16, 2019, 08:14:44 pm »
+2
I haven't written anything AA-related since mid-April; needless to say, I'm very rusty. Below is a quick introduction in response to the article:

Waverley Council’s recent construction of a ‘disability access path’ has incited discussion pertaining to its suitability. Seemingly afflicted by the organisation’s decision, Adam Long penned an anecdote, which was latterly published in the Sydney Morning Herald. Engaging a predominantly measured tone, Long communicates his dejection stemming from the council’s dismissal of community ideas – namely, those propounded by his friend with ‘muscular dystrophy’ – and subsequently contends that greater care should be exercised in order to both appease and cater for the public.

MissSmiley

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Re: 2019 AA Club - Week 12
« Reply #2 on: July 19, 2019, 07:32:43 am »
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I haven't written anything AA-related since mid-April; needless to say, I'm very rusty. Below is a quick introduction in response to the article:

Waverley Council’s recent construction of a ‘disability access path’ don't need to put this in quotation marks has incited discussion pertaining to its suitability. Seemingly afflicted by the organisation’s decision, Adam Long penned great vocab choices! an anecdote, which was latterly published in the Sydney Morning Herald. Engaging maybe employing? a predominantly measured tone, Long communicates his dejection stemming from the council’s dismissal of community ideas you'd need to mention like two of these ideas. Just sounds a bit unclear without any examples. When you do mention examples, you'd need to stop the sentence there and start a new sentence for the contention. Otherwise it'll get too long!– namely, those propounded by his friend with ‘muscular dystrophy’ don't need to put quotation marks  – and subsequently contends that greater care in the form of structural support for instance, (insert this to make it clearer) should be exercised in order to both appease and cater for the public.

Great intro! You've captured the main ideas and have succinctly written them with nice language! But just one thing missing from this is the audience. So perhaps before the contention line you could say something like "to an audience of....(perhaps Waverly Council's members and those who have been to Marks Park?), Long contends that..."

Apart from that, really nice intro!  :)

2017 : Further Maths [38]
2018 : English [45] ;English Language [43] ; Food Studies [47] ;French [33] ;Legal Studies [39]
VCE ATAR : 98.10
2019 - 2023 : Bachelor of Laws (Honours) and Bachelor of Arts at Monash University

I'm selling a huge electronic copy of  VCE English essays and resources document (with essays that have teacher feedback and marks) for $10. Feel free to PM me for details!

whys

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Re: 2019 AA Club - Week 12
« Reply #3 on: July 19, 2019, 12:19:25 pm »
+2
Hi there! This is my intro:

The construction of a new disability-access pathway by Waverly Council has sparked a response from Adam Long, who, along with his friend Justin Reid, originally proposed a differing idea to the council regarding a disability-access pathway south of Bondi. Long's article, published in the Sydney Morning Herald, titled 'My friend in a wheelchair's vision could save Sculpture by the Sea for Bondi' captures his disheartened attitude towards the lack of attention the council displayed towards those with disabilities who are unable to enjoy the same coastal stroll as those who are able to walk down stairs. Long capitalises upon the reader's empathy through the use of his friend's story, which evokes melancholic and dispirited sentiments within the council's members to gain their support to alter the pathway the council had intently begun building. He included an image of a wheel-chair bound individual who looks out into the sea, which encapsulates the wonder and awe Justin Reid, and the public, should also have the right to access.
« Last Edit: July 19, 2019, 03:50:01 pm by whys »
𝘌𝘭 𝘷𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘦 𝘭𝘢 𝘯𝘰𝘤𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘪𝘳𝘢 𝘦𝘯 𝘦𝘭 𝘤𝘪𝘦𝘭𝘰 𝘺 𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘢

MissSmiley

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Re: 2019 AA Club - Week 12
« Reply #4 on: July 21, 2019, 10:10:32 am »
+1
Hi there! This is my intro:

The construction of a new disability-access pathway by Waverly Council has sparked a response from try and use 'sparking a response from' to sort of the wider general public, rather than one person. So maybe you could start off like: 'In slight dislike of the newly constructed disability-access pathway Adam Long writes an opinion piece contending that...  who, along with his friend Justin Reid, originally proposed a differing idea to the council regarding a disability-access pathway south of Bondi. Long's article, published in the Sydney Morning Herald, titled 'My friend in a wheelchair's vision could save Sculpture by the Sea for Bondi' captures his disheartened attitude did you mean to say tone? towards the lack of attention the council displayed towards those with disabilities who are unable to enjoy the same coastal stroll as those who are able to walk down stairs. Just to add substance to your summary of the contention, would you like to use a semi-colon and say '...those with disabilities; Long disapproves of the coastal path which still does not seem to protect the disabled from rising sea levels and gusty winds.' Just a suggestion! Long capitalises upon the reader's empathy through the use of his friend's story, which evokes melancholic and dispirited sentiments within the council's members to gain their support to alter the pathway the council had intently begun building. This is an excellent sentence with lots of audience feelings! However, it'll be a great topic sentence for your first body para where you can talk about the structural elements! So really ideal for the first body para, but not intro He included Make sure your tense is consistent. So just stick to present tense. an image of a wheel-chair bound individual who looks out into the sea, which encapsulates the wonder and awe Justin Reid, and the public, should also have the right to access. Yep, great idea, just rephrase that a bit, so: 'the image of a wheel-chair bound individual looking out into the sea is included by Long to support his viewpoint that even the disabled should be able to enjoy calm oceans.' or something like that.
A great intro - well done!  :)
Just one big thing missing, is the target audience. So perhaps Waverly Council's members and those who have been to Marks Park, or those who have a disability to really narrow it down?
Also make sure you explicitly mention 'tone' so that the assessor knows for sure that you understand the feel of the text!

Apart from that, great going!  :)
« Last Edit: July 21, 2019, 10:35:04 am by MissSmiley »

2017 : Further Maths [38]
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2019 - 2023 : Bachelor of Laws (Honours) and Bachelor of Arts at Monash University

I'm selling a huge electronic copy of  VCE English essays and resources document (with essays that have teacher feedback and marks) for $10. Feel free to PM me for details!

whys

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Re: 2019 AA Club - Week 12
« Reply #5 on: July 21, 2019, 12:33:42 pm »
0
A great intro - well done!  :)
Just one big thing missing, is the target audience. So perhaps Waverly Council's members and those who have been to Marks Park, or those who have a disability to really narrow it down?
Also make sure you explicitly mention 'tone' so that the assessor knows for sure that you understand the feel of the text!

Apart from that, great going!  :)


Thanks for the feedback! I was wondering how I would state the audience more explicitly. Do I have to say 'The audience for this piece is...", or is there any other way to include it in the intro which would be a bit more flow-y and coherent?
𝘌𝘭 𝘷𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘰 𝘥𝘦 𝘭𝘢 𝘯𝘰𝘤𝘩𝘦 𝘨𝘪𝘳𝘢 𝘦𝘯 𝘦𝘭 𝘤𝘪𝘦𝘭𝘰 𝘺 𝘤𝘢𝘯𝘵𝘢

MissSmiley

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Re: 2019 AA Club - Week 12
« Reply #6 on: July 21, 2019, 10:57:32 pm »
+3
Thanks for the feedback! I was wondering how I would state the audience more explicitly. Do I have to say 'The audience for this piece is...", or is there any other way to include it in the intro which would be a bit more flow-y and coherent?
Yep good for thinking about your sentence flow!
So you don't necessarily need to explicitly mention the word 'audience' in your intro.
For example, you could say:
- Long reaches out to...
- Long seeks to communicate his stance to...
- Extending his piece to an audience of...

See how the sentence structure is varied as well? So like starting off with a gerund can often help to improve flow (e.g. extending...)

Hope this helps!  :)

2017 : Further Maths [38]
2018 : English [45] ;English Language [43] ; Food Studies [47] ;French [33] ;Legal Studies [39]
VCE ATAR : 98.10
2019 - 2023 : Bachelor of Laws (Honours) and Bachelor of Arts at Monash University

I'm selling a huge electronic copy of  VCE English essays and resources document (with essays that have teacher feedback and marks) for $10. Feel free to PM me for details!