August 22, 2019, 04:42:28 am

### AuthorTopic: 2019 AA Club - Week 12  (Read 224 times)

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#### MissSmiley

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##### 2019 AA Club - Week 12
« on: July 15, 2019, 10:00:11 am »
+4
Hi everyone

It'll be interesting to see this week, how people write about this author's arguments! Remember, for the exam, you could very well be given a metaphorical story type text like this, which would really test your ability to pick out one central argument and then analyse the sentiments that the writer tries to elicit from his audience! All the best!

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My friend in a wheelchair's vision could save Sculpture by the Sea for Bondi

Justin Reid and I have been friends for more than 40 years, since we were kids, so I’ve seen the relentless effect of muscular dystrophy on his body. That thing sucks. Justin’s relied on a wheelchair for a long time, so when he got a flyer in his letterbox more than a decade ago, inviting him to enjoy the nearby coastal "walk", he got fired up.

Next time we caught up, he told me about his dream to create step-free access to the cliff-top path around the headlands south of Bondi. I laughed, like countless others before and since. But later I took that walk, and I realised it was possible. Have a look for yourself.

In essence, Justin’s path follows the contour lines, instead of going up and down where the stairs are. We presented the idea to Waverley Council in 2009, where it was given universal support but no promise of funding.

The “rollercoaster” – from the south end of Bondi to Marks Park, the headland green space between Bondi and Tamarama – was costed at $2 million. Serious money, but not ridiculous for the busiest stretch of the busiest scenic path in the nation. So we were sad last week to see Waverley Council had already started work on a disability-access path that takes none of Justin’s suggestions into account – and, as a consequence, that Sculpture by the Sea is threatening to withdraw its annual crowd-pleasing event and take it elsewhere. The path, as it's being built, runs along the ridgeline of Marks Park, precisely where many of the best sculptures are displayed each year, the event's organisers complain. But 10 years ago, Justin and I never considered building the path on that ridge. That's because it is exposed to strong and gusty winds. Justin's path would have been built in the lee of the embankment leading to the plateau of Marks Park. Here it would be protected from the wind and shaded, in places, by trees. It would not have interfered with the prized position for sculptures, and we believe it would have been safer – and cheaper. We hope it's not too late for the council to change tack and modify the works now under way. Justin's path would also be well clear of rising sea levels and storm surges, such as the one that destroyed a section of the coastal walk a few years back. And a short pathway curving up to Marks Park from the coastal walk would allow access between the two paths for prams, and anyone else unable to climb the stairs. One day, we hope, it could go all the way to Bondi – without a single step. Image: https://imgur.com/HW3yZo7 2017 : Further Maths [38] 2018 : English [45] ;English Language [43] ; Food Studies [47] ;French [33] ;Legal Studies [39] VCE ATAR : 98.10 2019 - 2023 : Bachelor of Laws (Honours) and Bachelor of Arts at Monash University I'm selling a huge electronic copy of VCE English essays and resources document (with essays that have teacher feedback and marks) for$10. Feel free to PM me for details!

#### Anonymous

• Guest
##### Re: 2019 AA Club - Week 12
« Reply #1 on: July 16, 2019, 08:14:44 pm »
+2
I haven't written anything AA-related since mid-April; needless to say, I'm very rusty. Below is a quick introduction in response to the article:

Waverley Council’s recent construction of a ‘disability access path’ has incited discussion pertaining to its suitability. Seemingly afflicted by the organisation’s decision, Adam Long penned an anecdote, which was latterly published in the Sydney Morning Herald. Engaging a predominantly measured tone, Long communicates his dejection stemming from the council’s dismissal of community ideas – namely, those propounded by his friend with ‘muscular dystrophy’ – and subsequently contends that greater care should be exercised in order to both appease and cater for the public.

#### MissSmiley

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##### Re: 2019 AA Club - Week 12
« Reply #2 on: July 19, 2019, 07:32:43 am »
+3
I haven't written anything AA-related since mid-April; needless to say, I'm very rusty. Below is a quick introduction in response to the article:

Waverley Council’s recent construction of a ‘disability access path’ don't need to put this in quotation marks has incited discussion pertaining to its suitability. Seemingly afflicted by the organisation’s decision, Adam Long penned great vocab choices! an anecdote, which was latterly published in the Sydney Morning Herald. Engaging maybe employing? a predominantly measured tone, Long communicates his dejection stemming from the council’s dismissal of community ideas you'd need to mention like two of these ideas. Just sounds a bit unclear without any examples. When you do mention examples, you'd need to stop the sentence there and start a new sentence for the contention. Otherwise it'll get too long!– namely, those propounded by his friend with ‘muscular dystrophy’ don't need to put quotation marks  – and subsequently contends that greater care in the form of structural support for instance, (insert this to make it clearer) should be exercised in order to both appease and cater for the public.

Great intro! You've captured the main ideas and have succinctly written them with nice language! But just one thing missing from this is the audience. So perhaps before the contention line you could say something like "to an audience of....(perhaps Waverly Council's members and those who have been to Marks Park?), Long contends that..."

Apart from that, really nice intro!

2017 : Further Maths [38]
2018 : English [45] ;English Language [43] ; Food Studies [47] ;French [33] ;Legal Studies [39]
VCE ATAR : 98.10
2019 - 2023 : Bachelor of Laws (Honours) and Bachelor of Arts at Monash University

#### whys

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##### Re: 2019 AA Club - Week 12
« Reply #5 on: July 21, 2019, 12:33:42 pm »
0
A great intro - well done!
Just one big thing missing, is the target audience. So perhaps Waverly Council's members and those who have been to Marks Park, or those who have a disability to really narrow it down?
Also make sure you explicitly mention 'tone' so that the assessor knows for sure that you understand the feel of the text!

Apart from that, great going!

Thanks for the feedback! I was wondering how I would state the audience more explicitly. Do I have to say 'The audience for this piece is...", or is there any other way to include it in the intro which would be a bit more flow-y and coherent?
𝘉𝘦 𝘧𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘦𝘴𝘴 𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘱𝘶𝘳𝘴𝘶𝘪𝘵 𝘰𝘧 𝘸𝘩𝘢𝘵 𝘴𝘦𝘵𝘴 𝘺𝘰𝘶𝘳 𝘴𝘰𝘶𝘭 𝘰𝘯 𝘧𝘪𝘳𝘦.

⤹ 𝟸𝟶𝟷𝟿: 𝘱𝘴𝘺𝘤𝘩 | 𝘧𝘰𝘰𝘥
⤹ 𝟸𝟶𝟸𝟶: 𝘦𝘯𝘨 | 𝘮𝘦𝘵𝘩𝘰𝘥𝘴 | 𝘣𝘪𝘰 | 𝘤𝘩𝘦𝘮

#### MissSmiley

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##### Re: 2019 AA Club - Week 12
« Reply #6 on: July 21, 2019, 10:57:32 pm »
+3
Thanks for the feedback! I was wondering how I would state the audience more explicitly. Do I have to say 'The audience for this piece is...", or is there any other way to include it in the intro which would be a bit more flow-y and coherent?
So you don't necessarily need to explicitly mention the word 'audience' in your intro.
For example, you could say:
- Long reaches out to...
- Long seeks to communicate his stance to...
- Extending his piece to an audience of...

See how the sentence structure is varied as well? So like starting off with a gerund can often help to improve flow (e.g. extending...)

Hope this helps!

2017 : Further Maths [38]
2018 : English [45] ;English Language [43] ; Food Studies [47] ;French [33] ;Legal Studies [39]
VCE ATAR : 98.10
2019 - 2023 : Bachelor of Laws (Honours) and Bachelor of Arts at Monash University

I'm selling a huge electronic copy of  VCE English essays and resources document (with essays that have teacher feedback and marks) for \$10. Feel free to PM me for details!