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July 20, 2019, 10:59:53 am

Author Topic: Oreo's Year 12 :o  (Read 599 times)

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Aureeo

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Oreo's Year 12 :o
« on: June 14, 2019, 12:14:06 am »
+18
Hello. I've been lurking around for a while and I thought I would keep a journal to have somewhere to place all my thoughts on school in.
I am currently in year 12 but I don't feel like it. I have an atar 'goal' of 95, but I don't really work very hard towards it, it's just a number I keep in the back of my mind (or the middle), because generous scholarships are offered with that atar, and that would be nice. The end goal is to get a job that'll keep me financially stable.
I don't know how much effort is needed to do well. I don't know if I'm putting the right amount of effort, or if I'm setting myself up for disappointment by not working hard enough. I'm leaning towards the thought that I'm not putting in enough work to get a 95, and I feel bad that I often underestimate just how much work is put into achieving such a score. My mum says that it's my last year of high school, so I should try my very best, but I don't know to what extent my very best is. How do I know I'm putting in my 100%? I rarely do that for anything.
And that leads me to another reason why I want to get a good atar. I lack self discipline and consistency in a lot of things. I constantly do things that don't reflect what I want to do. While I'm already half way in the year, I hope that I'm still able to build solid habits, because when I look at people working hard, I feel so much respect for them. And I want to respect myself, and feel proud of what I've done. What better way to do that then with school, something I have to attend six hours a day, anyway? Working towards a goal, and being able to look back and acknowledge that I worked hard, would be awesome.
I am doing methods, studio arts, chemistry, literature, and economics.
Okay, thinking about my progress, it does not look like 95 material - ___-. I guess I am optimistic in that sense.
I think and hope my strongest subject is economics. I am able to understand it, and I kind of like it. Also, more importantly, I have a really supportive teacher who always tells us (the class) to work hard in the present, and (last year) not think too far in the future (in terms of calculating our atar). He said he wishes by the end of the year, I will be getting perfect on the SACs, but that I shouldn't worry if I don't get it. I've never (really) had someone tell me their positive expectations of me, so that teacher's my favourite.
My weakest subjects are literature and methods. I think I chose literature because deep down, I like the subject, but I guess I'm too scared to try my best, because what if my best isn't what I thought it would be? I haven't written one essay this entire year. I just hope I get a 25. I really can't gauge how well I'm doing at all. For methods, I think I don't ask enough about questions I can't do. I just note it, and never really address it. And I don't work ahead, I don't do extensive study. I secretly hope that I can turn these weaknesses into my strengths, but it all comes down to me, if I'll actually do things to improve.
Studio arts is very chill, but also requires more time and effort than I previously thought. It's fun and different. I'm thinking it will be my fifth subject.
Chem has been alright. I like chem. Sometimes I read and write notes ahead, but often I don't. I owe my decent grades to my teacher. She prepares really good notes. Every class involves practice questions, or ones from previous exams. I feel like she's one of the most invested teachers I've had.
I've written quite a bit. Thanks for reading, but it's not the end just yet. About me! Maybe you can guess by the way I write, I am used to talking to myself, as in I keep a diary I write in (almost) everyday. It's cool that this time I'll have an audience though. I do this as a coping mechanism, because during the day (at school), I talk very little compared to how much I think. I am not very confident. I'm kind of timid, pushover-y. Along with that, probably because of that, I don't have any close friends, but I'm grateful for the friends who keep me company at school. It just feels lonely. I know I'm not vulnerable enough, and that I don't put in the time and care to have a genuine relationship. It's a problem I hope will fade when I enter uni. I just think things will work themselves out. So far I've just been staying in my comfort zone, which is bad, but comfortable, hah. I used to draw a lot, but I've been slowing the pace since I started VCE, which I know I shouldn't have. I tend to allocate too much time (unproductively) and thought into school, when I should really keep up some hobbies. I'm really gullible, and literal. I don't have much of a humour, my brother used to call me a robot. I'm having trouble actually growing up, knowing I'll have to make myself presentable, get with the news (I don't read the news because it makes me sad? I don't know, it's too much), drive a car, get a job, be not awkward. It's a lot. I find myself wanting to reject it all. I still have until next year to preserve my childishness, because then I'll officially be an adult. Scary stuff. Is this healthy? Let me know.
Yeah so about school??? XD In the following updates I'll not write so much, and stray away from academics, because that's not the point. I want to outline my SCHOOL progress on a day to day basis. I hope you can excuse this long post as an introductory kind of thing.
Thanks for reading. Happy studying.

Joseph41

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Re: Oreo's Year 12 :o
« Reply #1 on: June 14, 2019, 08:57:51 am »
+2
Nice one!

Absolutely no stress about the longer first post - you can write as much or as little as you like, whenever you like. :) Really glad to have you here - keen to see how your journal progresses!
A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man. Yeet ahoy!

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Bri MT

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Re: Oreo's Year 12 :o
« Reply #2 on: June 14, 2019, 06:39:07 pm »
+2
 In the past I was also seen as having no sense of humour and a teacher once suggested I was "a robot who time-travelled from the future to learn about us" so I can kinda relate.

Lots of things that you've connected to (apprehension about) being an adult don't have to happen that way. Plenty of us adults don't drive & all of us keep developing and growing our social skills. Expectations can be a heavy thing, but you don't have to have "everything together" once you turn 18.


Learning to be vulnerable has been a big part of my personal development over the past few years, and in that time I made much more progress than I ever thought I would at the start :) I have full faith that you'll also be able to learn this even though it can be hard to see the progress you're making.


Best of luck for your journey - it's pretty normal to have apprehension about it, but I hope you're pleasantly surprised :)
« Last Edit: June 14, 2019, 06:44:20 pm by Bri MT »
VCE: Sciences, eng lang & methods
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Evolio

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Re: Oreo's Year 12 :o
« Reply #3 on: June 14, 2019, 06:57:50 pm »
+1
Keep those long posts coming. I love reading love posts because they're usually very insightful!

I like chemistry as well! What do you like about it?
Quote
I've never (really) had someone tell me their positive expectations of me, so that teacher's my favourite.
Same. When someone has hope for me, I feel much more motivated to do well in that subject. It just makes me think that there is actually someone there rooting for you. It's good support.

You still have a lot of time to convert your weaknesses into strengths. It is never late. It's great that you have recognised your weaknesses, now the next step is to target those specific things and improve.

I am excited to follow your journey for the rest of this year. I will be here rooting for you!
 :)
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2020: Literature, Psychology, Specialist Mathematics, Chemistry

Aureeo

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Re: Oreo's Year 12 :o
« Reply #4 on: June 15, 2019, 12:07:14 am »
+4
I really appreciate your comments :), it has a greater impact on me than I'm able to express here. Thanks! This place is so supportive, I love it.
I like chemistry because I feel like it makes sense of what happens physically. But I don't have much of a passion, like I don't go outside of the study design much, I just enjoy what I'm taught.
Today I did a lot of nothing school related (had no school today :D), until I thought, that would mean I'd have nothing to write today, so I see this as a way to keep me accountable. For the following 7 days, I want to have at least one thing to write about learning or studying. The idea is that I'll habitually study a little bit everyday, and then I can increase the workload to an amount that could confidently ensure I reach my goal.
And so today I sat down and studied, and I'm really happy about it. I made notes for 6 pages of my eco textbook, notes for a unit of chem, and did a few practice questions for chem. Tomorrow I should try doing work for my problem subjects, I can't avoid them forever, no matter how easy it is to.
Thanks for reading. Happy studying.

brothanathan

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Re: Oreo's Year 12 :o
« Reply #5 on: June 15, 2019, 10:02:24 am »
0
Thanks for peeling the layers of an onion for us. If Tyler Butler-Figuerora can fight cancer and play the violin with such finesse. Nothing is impossible.
ďI consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.Ē

If a man would pursue Philosophy, his first task is to throw away conceit. For it is impossible for a man to begin to learn what he has a conceit that he already knows.
 - Epictus

Aureeo

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Re: Oreo's Year 12 :o
« Reply #6 on: June 15, 2019, 11:56:03 pm »
+2
Today I did jack shit. See, I think I know I won't get a 95 at this rate.
It could be interesting to see how often I do nothing by the end of the year. It'll probably strongly relate to the bad results I may face.
Haha my mindset fluctuates a lot, I hope it doesn't discourage you guys. I just want to be transparent with myself, and show myself that I am responsible for my actions, and that these small actions and habits can build up into something good or bad.
Ok but I did do the teeniest thing: unit questions from the Chem unit I reviewed yesterday. Then I tried to wrap my head around chiral vs achiral. I also managed to read some of the litcharts thing for the novel I'm studying about. Made me realize that I need to put it into context, because I'm missing out on a lot otherwise. Technically I haven't cut my streak yet? Tomorrow is another day, I'll keep what you said in mind, brothanathan, nothing is impossible!
Thanks for reading in. Happy studying!!

brothanathan

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Re: Oreo's Year 12 :o
« Reply #7 on: June 16, 2019, 12:08:59 am »
+2
Today I did jack shit. See, I think I know I won't get a 95 at this rate.
It could be interesting to see how often I do nothing by the end of the year. It'll probably strongly relate to the bad results I may face.
Haha my mindset fluctuates a lot, I hope it doesn't discourage you guys. I just want to be transparent with myself, and show myself that I am responsible for my actions, and that these small actions and habits can build up into something good or bad.
Ok but I did do the teeniest thing: unit questions from the Chem unit I reviewed yesterday. Then I tried to wrap my head around chiral vs achiral. I also managed to read some of the litcharts thing for the novel I'm studying about. Made me realize that I need to put it into context, because I'm missing out on a lot otherwise. Technically I haven't cut my streak yet? Tomorrow is another day, I'll keep what you said in mind, brothanathan, nothing is impossible!
Thanks for reading in. Happy studying!!

By doing nothing your setting yourself up for failure. By doing something you're giving yourself hope. By completing something your setting yourself up for success.
ďI consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.Ē

If a man would pursue Philosophy, his first task is to throw away conceit. For it is impossible for a man to begin to learn what he has a conceit that he already knows.
 - Epictus

Aureeo

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Re: Oreo's Year 12 :o
« Reply #8 on: June 16, 2019, 10:29:07 pm »
+1
You're right.
:/ Today I studied a unit of chem, I would say 3-4 pages of the textbook.
Thanks for reading, happy happying.

Aureeo

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Re: Oreo's Year 12 :o
« Reply #9 on: June 17, 2019, 10:48:57 pm »
+4
School stuff:
Today I was struck with the news that I have a literature SAC this week, one that I had not prepared for. So I tried writing a plan, and that took so long. I should write everyday so it doesn't take me five minutes just to write a dot point or two.
We were given the prompt for the SAC beforehand so all that's left is to write and memorize right? I can't memorize stuff in such short notice, unfortunately that's not an option. I'm just gonna send a detailed plan to get reviewed tomorrow, and I guess I'm looking at a medium score. Hopefully.
I'm glad I didn't avoid the plan, it's not like I have a choice, seeing it's coming up so soon.
Even though getting ready for the SAC should be my top priority, I did two practice questions for chem, and studied 6 pages of eco. I want to churn out notes for eco so that I'm ahead again. I'm stepping into new grounds, the last unit was taught last year, so it's a bit spooky. But yes, why am I not facing literature in the eye? I should accept my bad writing so I can write practice essays and get them marked, and gradually have better flow and stuff. If I don't take that step, I'll stay the same, just like the past three years of learning English. I've been avoiding essay writing for a long time, and now it's biting me in the butt. I think my writing skills peaked in year 8. That's kind of really embarrassing.
Happy studying.

Ranting:
I need to practice positive thinking. I've improved, but I can be better.
Also perhaps I'll look for a job. I need the money, and it'll get me out of my comfort zone, like really. Currently I am afraid to go around asking for work, being the awkward and timid person I am. I've been thinking about it since around the start of the year, but I think it's about time I get my act together, suck it up, and look for one. Maybe I'll have to stop avoiding fast food, I have a better chance getting hired (with a non confrontational hiring process too).
And you know what, I can only think of good things that'll come about once I get some work:
- I'll be that bit more outgoing
- Money=yummier food
- Less time to think about doing work, more time being used actually doing work, forcing myself to do school work more efficiently, and to ask for help because theoretically I won't have time to stall for help
The last one's a little farfetched, I have hours to spare every week, that's probably not going to make me any less unproductive.
Wish me luck,
Oreo

Aureeo

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Re: Oreo's Year 12 :o
« Reply #10 on: June 18, 2019, 11:59:06 pm »
+2
Hello.
Today was pretty good, I got everything I intended to done: finishing NEAP chem practice Qs and correcting them, making notes for 6 pages of the eco textbook, and... attempting to prepare for the literature SAC. I gave up! I did look over my plan and annotated the relavent readings given, but that's it. One day of preparation won't offset the several years of slacking off in arguably the most important subject of all. So I'm gonna try to write without that habitual self doubt and blocking. I'm just going to write what I can. I'm probably looking at a medium, hopefully a bit above that. This sac result will give me the punch in the face I really need. Literature is just a valid a subject as Chem and eco. It forces me to exercise different techniques that I'm not used to, so I really don't want to try, but this is my education, my only chance at Year 12 (no way am I repeating, no way!!!).
Also I think I've severely underestimated the effort and hard work that is required for such a high atar. I think my current work ethic would project a 70 atar. Today I was reminded of the difficulty of VCE. This isn't easy shit. This is a competition with the entire state. What makes me top 5%? If it's not work ethic, then it's nothing.
Even with this reminder, I think I'm too focused on scores. It is a ranking that is determined at the end of the year, and I don't have much power over that. I should put that aside and think about what I'm doing at school. What am I learning? How am I going to consolidate that, and ensure I have things memorized by the end of the year? I'm lucky to enjoy 4/5 of my subjects, I should focus on the fact that I like what I'm learning, and work from there.
Actually eco is looking a bit dry, the textbook was so difficult to read, so much more boring than I'd anticipated. At least it connects to real life, although I'd appreciate it better if I read the news.

Here's where I mostly diverge from school stuff:
It's just that, if I'm not exposed to info everyday, my brain deems it useless, and disposes of it. Like I've forgotten my card pin so often, because I don't use it enough to get it into my long term memory. How am I going to remember the news? I can't remember what I watch very well, so I can't even discuss shows with the same passion, even if I liked it very much at the time. What I'm trying to say is, my memory is poor, haha. My theory is my memory capacity is low, so my brain is over-filtering things to meet the quota of things to get rid of.
Anyhow, back to eco: I did severely worse in my last sac than ever before. I've noticed there's a big fat connection between how many practice sacs I get marked versus the score I receive. This time I knew I wrote too briefly, but I couldn't fix that during the SAC. And now I see, international competitiveness is mainly affected by supply side factors right? Three marks lost right there :(. My 90+ streak has broken, and it's all because of not studying the way I knew was most effective! Well that's because I'm scared to ask my teacher for feedback. If it's not in class, it's never, for me. I'm stupid like that. One free I really had intended to get a practice sac marked, but he was talking to another teacher, so I thought I'd come back in a few. But that became the entire period!! I don't think I'll be able to approach my teacher outside a class setting, so my solution is to ask during, before, or after class. Usually I leave immediately, but no more!
I've already set myself up in a bad condition for the SAC tmr, by not getting 9-10 hours of sleep. For eco and chem I always made sure to get enough sleep - lately, not so much. Tiredness from lack of sleep isn't it, it's also diet, lack of exercise, bad sleep hygiene... So many factors to consider. But I think sleep is the big one. I don't drink coffee, but I'd imagine it's really helpful. I've never experienced that awakeness (is that a word) because I've never drunk a cup of coffee in full. Hmmm.
Also, I don't know what to do during lunch. This past year, I've spent the majority of my breaks staring into space, and being unoccupied makes my brain think bad stuff. Overall not a great way to spend my time. I used to do puzzles, but I thought that it was encouraging my antisocial behaviour, so I stopped. And it was, but it's not like I've improved since then. It comes around full circle, all the 'problems' in my life revolve around my inability to step outside my comfort zone. Now that I think about it, I can just draw in the art room, or continue puzzles, or learn a language!  In year 10 I made it a goal to learn a language to a conversational level. I worked really hard surprisingly, it took my mind off things, but since year 12 has started I haven't been studying it as much, and I might not hit my goal. I let younger me down already.
Anyone get a bit paranoid of being not anonymous? I take precautions to avoid being found out, because that'd be so embarrassing. So embarrassing!!!!!
Thanks for tuning in, happy studying!

Aureeo

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Re: Oreo's Year 12 :o
« Reply #11 on: June 20, 2019, 12:29:05 am »
+4
The literature SAC went better than I had expected, I was really doubting myself because of my lack of prep. I didn't end up finishing, but surely I'll get a medium. I was almost late to the sac, gladly that didn't happen.
Today I didn't learn much, to my luck. I don't know about you guys, but not getting 8-10 hours of sleep kills my brain. I'm running on 6 hours, so of course, I didn't get shit done. Don't know why I do this to myself, just a strong habit, I guess.
My goal is to consistently sleep enough.
Everything I should've done today, I am going to push over tomorrow. I wrote notes for 4 and a half pages of the eco textbook.
I don't think I'll get a crazy good atar, it's just a whole structural change I'll have to go through that likely won't happen in half a year. So I'm going to update less because I still have school stuff to talk about, but I'm your average student. The habits I write of aren't encouraging or inspiring. They're bleak, mediocre.
I'm okay with mediocre. Everyday journaling pressures me in a way I don't think is good. Like I feel bad about wanting things and setting up a plan, and then writing to myself that I didn't go through the plan, even if that's for a few days. Changes can be seen in longer time spans. I still have some hope, because doing stuff gives hope, like brothanathan said. When I see that hope manifest into something rather productive, and develops into something I want to share, I will. But so far what I write will be repetitive stuff about bad habits that foretell a 60 atar. When I check my score, I want to see something good.
I'll be back a better student. The next time I write will be when I do good shit. In the meantime, I will give more attention to my physical diary.
Happy studying.
Write to you soon.
Sincerely,
Oreo.

Rant:
 I am actually so socially inept. I think I'm an extrovert with introverted (?) habits. I just... Skipped over the socializing part of high school, and I kind of always wish I did it differently. I really physically and emotionally secluded myself from my cohort, and those habits still linger. I don't have a clique I can be my true self in, I'm scared that they'll talk shit about me. Often I hear people talking shit about others, and it makes me insecure about opening up. But in year 12, I've realized people have already formed close relationships running 5-6 years, and school is the only social ground I have, due to personal circumstances. I think when people have found their clique, there's no reason to step out, because they know eachother so well, investing time in new close friends is unnecessary, especially in year 12.
For me, I feel I only need one close friend, to be content. I had a friend from tutor but we never managed to exchange contact details, so no matter how much we enjoyed each other's company, it was still a bit shallow. And I regret having not kept in touch, I felt a natural connection. Is it possible to find this person again? Haha, that's always been my fantasy, to find this mystery guy again, but I'm not even sure I know his surname. What an attentive friend I am - ___-. Maybe I just haven't found the right group of people? How do I know they're not right vs I'm not right.
So I feel super kind of empty. And kind of like, what's wrong with me? Why can't I sustain one friendship? One?? Why will I walk out of high school without academic or sports achievement, friends, a job, or anything?
The people who hang around, only do because we're in the same classes. And anything we talk about is school related. It's frustrating and soothing at the same time, in that I crave social interaction so much, that even people asking about school shit, I enjoy the interaction. But I see this kind of transaction. They ask me something, I give an answer. And that's it. So it feels a bit... Like I'm being used. But it's not like it's an inconvenience, it's just what comprises majority of my interaction with people my age and it makes me a bit sad. Like this is it. If it weren't for the limited acquaintances I have in my classes, I'd be sitting alone, looking extra unapproachable, and I'm not one to start anything. In that case I'm pretty lucky this year. Jeeeesus. The worst part is I'm used to being like this. I don't like it, but I'm so used to it, and when that happens... I don't ever leave my bubble.
Fudge, I need to wake up at 6:30. How does this happen so easily TT, I'm going to be tired again. I don't want to be tired again. I probably won't do my work 'tomorrow', like today. Why do I perpetuate this bad cycleeeeee. Friday for sure, I'll sleep enough, I have to. I'm so tempted not to go to school tomorrow, but I never wag. Nothing in my life is more substantial than attending school. That's why school is my obligation. Okay bye until I get my shit together, if you read this, what the hell are you doing, go study.
Happy studying! :)

Bri MT

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Re: Oreo's Year 12 :o
« Reply #12 on: June 20, 2019, 09:18:48 am »
+3
I've found Insanipi's method of trying to sleep about half an hour earlier each night works really well for me when I need to adjust my sleep pattern - is there anything in particular you're trying atm?

I don't think viewing yourself as a mediocre student makes your writing less valuable but if it's better for you to not update on here as often that's a very good reason to drop the frequency. I've heard before that "if you're succeeding at all of your goals they aren't ambitious enough" and I think that's applicable here too. It's ok to not do everything you plan, but knowing that you probably won't get through everything it's important to prioritise. 

Also note: I personally wouldn't have been happy with a 60 ATAR either (like in your OP I was working toward 95+) but I think it says something about our system that average-ish achievement is seen as bad. It sucks if if isn't high enough to get into your chosen course directly,  but there's nothing inherently wrong with a 60 - just the pressure we put on ourselves and others.

It might be different in your hoghschool, but at mine the key times to join a friendship group were year 7 & year 12. There's something about the solidarity of going through year 12 together that can help you develop friendships with people you haven't talked to much in the past.

Not having "clicked" with anyone isn't an enditement on you or them. Highschool is a very limited bubble and once I went into uni I found it 100 times easier to make good friends.

Maybe you will walk out of hoghschool without those things,  but you will keep your personal development,  the lessons you've learnt about what's important to you and your learning.  Imo, the point of highschool isn't to make an impressive resume - it's to learn.

If you have time I recommend you take up an extracurricular, volunteer somewhere or take up a sport.  They can be great for your mental health and a good opportunity to connect with people outside your school. 


Happy studying to you too
VCE: Sciences, eng lang & methods
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mango8

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Re: Oreo's Year 12 :o
« Reply #13 on: June 22, 2019, 06:59:42 pm »
0
Hey there,

I am so so glad you started a journal.

I definitely underestimated how much effort goes into getting a high atar, I donít think weíre ever really sure of how much if Ďenoughí especially with the study tubers (who I mostly really enjoy watching), posting videos of their 10 and 12 hour study days. It makes you feel like nothing youíll ever do is good enough. How do you know youíre putting in 100%? Personally when I go into a test/sac/exam and come out knowing there was absolutely nothing more I could have possibly done, and itís not in my hands anymore, thatís when I know.   I too have a lot of habits I wish to change going into Term 3, itís not over until the exam. I have done a lot that hasnít reflected my characteristics and what I truly want as well, for various reasons. But I think keeping in mind why you are doing this is crucial. What are your future goals, aspirations, hopes and dreams? I know I want to look back and know I could not have worked any harder, and achieved any more, because I did give my everything. I remember reading a past student saying you will never wish you studied or did less, you donít want to have any regrets. Itís the end of Term 2, not the end of Year 12. You still have a term and then two months to redeem yourself, and get your desired atar.

Having a teacher who believes in you and your abilities is wonderful. When you lack confidence in yourself, and the motivation to do well, they believe in you, and you want to give back to them in a sense by excelling. What do you think your fear of doing well in Literature, doing your best, what is the root of it? Please donít put yourself down, it is excellent you have recognised your weaknesses, it is just imperative you know decide how you will wield those weaknesses and turn them into strengths. How are you going to change? What will you do differently now? Thatís what you need to think about. It is up to you. Only you can change what you want to in terms of your current habits. And you can. You are capable. Believe in yourself.

I am also used to talking to myself, and my diaries I have kept over the years have been very dear to me for that reason. I resonate with that so much. What you need to remember it that itís not you. Itís not your fault if people donít see who you are inside. School just like itís not mine, and never has been our place. But you will find your place, later in life, where you will meet people you genuinely care about you, and invest in having a relationship. I can tell you it doesnít really matter anyway because most people are just Ďfriendsí because they are in the same place 5 days a week for 6 hours. After school is over, youíll never see these people again, and most people wonít even be friends, because it was all just superficial anyway. School is just filled with toxic people anyway, who arenít worth your time, energy or even worth knowing you.

Please keep drawing, whatever you like, just even for 10 minutes before bed. Donít stop doing what brings you joy and peace inside. The news is often too much for me as well, I used to always keep up with it, but now find it too overwhelming most of the time. Take each day at a time. Of course itís valid being scared of next year, and the unknown, all the new experiences and things youíll have to learn, but you will continue to learn and grow in time, donít pressure yourself about having to metamorphose into a perfect Ďadultí who knows how to do it all, it will all fall into place, just take it slowly, and I can promise you that you will learn social skills in time as well, it is very difficult to have been truly yourself and express who you are and develop yourself socially in a constricted, toxic, trash environment as high school is. And also, I absolutely love long posts opposed to short ones, so keep them coming, but if youíve said writing too often places too much stress and pressure on you thatís okay. Do what works for you.

Overall, you have been very critical of yourself. And I understand that, believe me. We are our own harshest critics. But remember, when you keep criticising you are separating yourself from the process. Set smaller, achievable goals, and recognise your progress and feel good about what youíre accomplishing, no matter how small it may be. Dig deep and figure out why you are doing certain things, having a fixed mindset, whatever it may be, and write specific steps of how you will tackle it and better yourself and your habits. Work on improving and then recognise your efforts and achievements and do what makes you happy. Thinking positively is not easy by any means, never has been for me, but slowly, step by step, it will come to you.

So focus on what you can control, and thatís your habits, work ethic, determination, diligence, consistency. And then, the results both now, and at the end of the year will fall into place. And changes donít just happen. They take time.

Again, school is just a terrible place. I find it sad that wanting to just be alone, and like you said, doing puzzles was something you enjoyed doing at lunch, has so many negative connotations by the judgemental, toxic, horrible people at school. Not Ďfitting iní or adhering to Ďthe normsí means youíre an outcast. Iíve thought about doing art at lunch, I always loved both writing and art to just express myself and escape. I am planning to learn languages next year onwards, I learnt so many but never to the level I was fluent.

Please please remember it is not you. School isnít the place you find true friends, or lifelong friends. How could you, when itís such a disgusting place? I completely understand how you feel. You just have not found your people. You will though, remember that. You will find people who value and care and appreciate and love you, and see who you are inside, and you will be able to feel a bit more whole again, renewed, with true friends who cherish you. You will find your place, and your people, I promise.

I have wholeheartedly enjoyed reading your journal because I identify with a lot of things you have talked about, which I hope may give you some solace, as it has for me. Take care.

blubber

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Re: Oreo's Year 12 :o
« Reply #14 on: June 23, 2019, 11:16:30 pm »
0
Hey Oreo,
I'm in year 12 this year too and doing lit and studio arts
I can honestly relate to your posts so much in terms of trying to sleep enough and feeling socially inept and sustaining new friendships.
but i expect it will get better at some point
kinda jealous that you even had a 90+ streak in the first place haha
Anyway, keep up the great diary its really nice to get a perspective on others' yr 12 experience xx  ;)