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August 21, 2019, 05:39:01 pm

Author Topic: FEEDBACK ON MY AFTER DARKNESS TEXT RESPONSE PLEASE  (Read 279 times)  Share 

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ndearmatossian

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FEEDBACK ON MY AFTER DARKNESS TEXT RESPONSE PLEASE
« on: June 02, 2019, 07:15:25 pm »
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Hey everyone! :)

We are beginning to study After Darkness and write our text responses and I did this one as homework. This is my first text response of the year and I am not sure what standard my writing is at and would really reallyyyy appreciate some feedback from somebody with some experience and knowledge in this area! Maybe where should I improve, what should I continue to do, and around what would my writing (given that I continue to write and improve) earn me by the time exams roll around? Thank you!!! :)
« Last Edit: June 02, 2019, 07:29:24 pm by ndearmatossian »

Bri MT

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Re: FEEDBACK ON MY AFTER DARKNESS TEXT RESPONSE PLEASE
« Reply #1 on: June 02, 2019, 08:49:11 pm »
+7
Hey, I dropped literature after units 1&2 so I'm not going to give a grade prediction as I'm not an expert there but I do have some feedback for you:

- semicolons are used to separate two independent clauses* (ie use it to join sentences together), not to join a dependent and independent clause. Eg  in " Through Johnnyís moral support, Ibaraki finds it within him to introduce the idea to establish a cricket team within the internment camp; creating a source of joy and relaxation or those around him."  the ";" should be replaced with "-".  Eg. "Initially, Ibaraki is shown as having low emotional intelligence; he finds it difficult to open up to others due and is preoccupied with fear of appearing inadequate."     (
*disclaimer: semi-colons are also sometimes used to do things other than separating 2 independent clauses (eg in complex lists)

- improve long unwieldy  sentence structures. Some of your sentences are quite long and - if not broken into parts - are unwieldy. There's three ways I can think of to improve this: 1. Break long and complex sentences into multiple sentences, 2. change the phrasing of the sentences so less is required, 3. use punctuation to structure the sentences.  Generally 2 is best if possible, but ultimately it comes down to judgement (you seem skilled at writing so you can probably  handle this). Eg. " The eventual loss and Sister Bernice from his life ultimately opens up Ibarakiís eyes to see the importance of friendship which later gives him the courage to face his biggest regret and rekindle his marriage." -> " Ultimately, the loss of Sister Bernice from his life prompts Ibaraki to see the importance of friendship - which gives him the courage to face his biggest regret and rekindle his marriage."


I didn't study this text so I'm going to leave it at that but I hope you find this feedback useful :) Good luck!
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ndearmatossian

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Re: FEEDBACK ON MY AFTER DARKNESS TEXT RESPONSE PLEASE
« Reply #2 on: June 03, 2019, 11:51:12 am »
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Thank you so much for the feedback! This is great, I will definitely be revisiting my errors.

Abdibasit

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Re: FEEDBACK ON MY AFTER DARKNESS TEXT RESPONSE PLEASE
« Reply #3 on: June 03, 2019, 06:45:09 pm »
+10
Hi, I'm also doing After Darkness this year too! I think I can help you out tho since my school already finished the SAC a few weeks ago.

Your analysis is good, meaning that I get what you're trying to say and that's some pretty deep stuff your coming up with. The reader can tell that you have complexity in thought, but in order to impress the examiner, you should also be complex in your writing too. So you may need a little more 'flare' that would 'spice up' your writing and improve it to make it worthy of a high-acheiver.

Within the attachment, I added some really good sentences that you could use repeatedly throughout the various After Darkness practice essays you would be working on in future.

Hope it helps  :D

 

ndearmatossian

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Re: FEEDBACK ON MY AFTER DARKNESS TEXT RESPONSE PLEASE
« Reply #4 on: June 07, 2019, 09:38:50 am »
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Thank you so much! This is amazing! 😊