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November 20, 2019, 10:29:18 pm

Author Topic: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...  (Read 5180 times)

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r1ckworthy

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Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
« Reply #15 on: May 04, 2019, 11:56:34 am »
+6
Wow that's amazing! Seriously don't discount yourself, I'm sure you totally deserved that 100% - good job for crushing the exam!
Also congrats on maths X1! Legit have so much admiration for you judging numbers and random triangles stress me out haha. I still have fond memories of my teacher saying my circles looked more like ovals and taking off marks (even though I needed every mark I could get) XD.

Yeah, I guess so for the physics. It was a good encouragement to keep going!!!  Hahaha, wow, I get what you mean about getting every mark possible. But taking marks off for a seemingly oval seems a bit too much ;D ;D ;D.

I really felt your heavy thoughts section. Since I'm also in Year 12 doing the HSC, I totally relate to having stress come over me sometimes and having this exacerbated by the subsequent lack of work due to stress (funfun). Technically I actually should be doing a bio depth study now haha exhibit A of my lack of productivity and super procrastination skills (thankyouthankyou i try  :) )
I find that it's good to write to do lists. Sometimes I use Microsoft To Do so I can add and remove tasks easily. Feeling stressed? Maybe do an essay plan, another subject or take some time out today to reframe your mind. Feeling like you can slay the syllabus? Essay if you want or difficult homework but still pace yourself. Talk to your teachers! I legit love hitting up my teachers to destress and reframe my mind.

I've recently started to use Joseph 41's method of organisation. At first I did waaaay too much, but then started to just have to-do's for 3-4 subjects a day. Yeah I do talk to teachers at times, but still, year 12 is way too stressful!!! I guess I should try to approach it differently rather than stress, because it might not actually be at all!!! It is what we make of it.

Sorry for keeping it brief (well for me as I write wayyyy to much alllll the time XD) because I have bio to do. Feeling inspired to set up a year 12 journal now because of you. Thanks mate - you rock!

Good luck with this week and I'll be back soon!

You should definitely start your own journal!!! That would be pretty sick!! I started this journal just to track where I am going, but it sort of became a place where I just re-organise my attitude and all that inside stuff. Pretty solid if you try!

Nah, don't worry about keeping it brief, that advice was pretty sick!!!

HSC 2019: English Advanced || Mathematics || Mathematics Extension 1 || Physics || Chemistry || Science Extension || Ancient History ||

The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update... || Halfway through Year 12... lessons I've learned so far. || Check out my youtube channel!

mango8

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Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
« Reply #16 on: May 12, 2019, 02:54:27 pm »
+1
Reviewing what I have written in this journal so far, I feel as I have written some good advice, to be honest, and I think I need to keep reminding myself of these things so I can stay on track. The past few days, I have been panicking so much, and I feel the stress getting to me. So, after each entry, I am going to write myself advice, tips and messages, just to keep myself going. I feel like by writing this, it will not only provide benefit to me but to everyone else reading this journal as well.


Hey! I just read through your journal, and enjoyed it thoroughly! I guess it was because I saw a lot of myself in you, and resonated with a lot of your thoughts and feelings, and finding someone like that makes reading all the more fascinating since I identify with a lot. I definitely agree reminding ourselves of things is key, we tend to forget a lot of the helpful advice and motivation and writing to yourself will only only benefit you but others so props to you, especially for your marks thus far, they are amazing!! I loved that piece of advice too! Lol my journal itself is titled: 'ephemerality' since vce is going to be over so soon, and what feels like the centre of everything now, is not going to matter.

I find your advice so wise and inspirational. As Pearlmilktea said, your heavy thoughts section was incredibly relatable. When you get so worked up and panicked, there really is no way to calm yourself.  And I'd agree, while writing stuff down sounds so generic and simple, it works, because you transfer all the mess into something that resembles coherence and you can take it step by step rather than being overwhelmed by too much.

I started this journal just to track where I am going, but it sort of became a place where I just re-organise my attitude and all that inside stuff.

Can totally resonate!

You'll achieve wonderful things, I can already tell! You are really inspiring! Can't wait for more, really.

r1ckworthy

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Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
« Reply #17 on: May 28, 2019, 10:05:33 pm »
+6
Hey everybodyyy, hope you all are going swell ;D

Haven't updated in a long time. Finished my half-yearlies. Not sure if I mentioned this, but unlike other schools my school has half-yearlies around the start of term 2 instead of being at the end of term 1. This period was a huge learning experience. Like, man, there are no words to express how much I've learned about what effective study is. I've posted it in this thread, so check it out.

I have also got some exam marks back:

Chemistry: 57.5/67- 85.5%
I expect this to be even lower, as my teacher discounted the organic chemistry section as everyone did pretty bad. This exam hurt so much. The teacher gave us so much guidance on what the questions were going to be. What she did was give us the basics to make us pass, but left out details that would otherwise separate a band 5 student from a band 6 student. Can't say I agree with this practice, but she did say that she will not be this kind during the trials. I think what my brain did was assume that the teacher told the question word for word, so me in my great wisdom sped through everything and basically regurgitated everything I had memorised the day before. This resulted in me losing a lot of, if not all, 0.5-1 marks in every question.

This really hurt. I came out of the exam room feeling pretty good, and was expecting a mark higher than 95%. The day before she revealed our marks, she told us that we didn't do quite so well in organic chemistry section. I was pretty disappointed. I went home and was about to take a shower but just laid in bed staring up at the ceiling. I went to sleep for some time, but yeah. When I found out about this mark, yes, I was pretty devastated. But looking at the positives, this was a huge wake-up call just to study consistent everyday. Hope I'll get better next time.

Ancient History- 48/50- 96%
Damn. This one, however, I was really proud of. This was the one exam that caused me so much stress. I remember feeling so empty while I was studying for the exam, thinking of how much content I had yet to memorise. Luckily, I picked up the hints the teacher gave us during the revision session and focused on building up my knowledge of those areas. This worked out great, and I was fully in the zone. I was surprised that it was not as difficult as I thought it was. This was also a huge wake-up call, as I now I know that I should work everyday.

This exam period was rocky, but full of lessons to learn. I expected a shit storm at the beginning of this week due to receiving marks back, but after ancient history I am a bit more happy. I don't expect to do so well for my other subjects, but I have glad I had this experience.


Due to wanting to be consistent, this is my daily routine. It is in the spoiler:
Daily Routine
Weekdays
1st hour: HWK
2nd hour: Review for any subject I had for the majority of the day.
Dinner
3rd hour: A specified subject.
4th Hour: UCAT practice
I really need to start my UCAT preparation, since I haven't done it at all. I'm using medify at the moment, and it's working out great. So far, I haven't done any questions, but have taken extensive notes from their videos about advice.

Saturday
Tuition review and major assessments. Not really any self-study, just need to get shit done.

Sunday
Past papers, exams, tests, that kind of stuff.
I am going to do a past paper under time for both 2U maths and 3U maths. I have started this last weekend, but gave up around halfway. I hope by doing more and more papers I will develop the perseverance and grit to continue and finish the time.
For English and Ancient History, I am just going to practice writing essays/ responses under time.
For science subjects, I think I will use the ATARNotes topic tests. I've been holding back on these tests, as I have plenty of resources, but seeing from how they provide you with questions that will build your foundation, I think I will get this. I will, of course, do these under time.

Obviously, I will try to follow this as much as I can but if sometimes come short. For example, today I came back from school at 5:45, and tried to study but felt too tired. Had a bit of a nap, studied a bit but definitely not as productive as the past few days. I think I will allow this kind of thing to happen, although I will never try to repeat it consecutively, otherwise it would become a bad habit.

Except for the weekend, it should be pretty chill. I now have specific strategies for all my subjects, except Ancient history. I am trying to figure out how to maximise long term memory retention, but I think just doing practice questions will do the trick, as well as summaries and so on. Any tips for this???

Super long post, I know, but it was good to get everything out of the system. Hope I'll keep posting more!

Daily reflection
Over the weekend, I have been reflecting on marks and the ATAR in general. This was prompted from watching the Netflix show street-food (great show, highly recommend), in particular the Singapore segment. In it, they had a scene dedicated to this old man known as Master Tang, a noodle making extraordinaire. They describe how he was a "kitchen slave" for most of his life, and then he himself reflects on how he loves his work. There was this one wide shot of him, just making noodles on the side and focussing on his work. I don't know why, but that shot in particular motivated me so much. It showed me how life is not this mix and match of ups and downs. It is instead a straight calm line, with a bit of ups and downs. That shot just showed me how we often make out life to be bigger than it is, but in fact it is not really that bad or good as we expected, if that makes sense. With that, I have recently had a lot of anxiety over my marks and ATAR. After watching that show and that one segment in particular over and over again, I quickly realised that the ATAR is not life defining. If I just put in a lot of effort and get a mediocre ATAR, I realised by that one wide shot that I will be fine. No matter what happens, I will be fine. The ATAR I will get will (hopefully) be a reflection of my effort, and if not, then it is certainly not the end of the world.

Here's a little story. Back when I was in India, I was not really a good student. I received mediocre marks until year 5 hit and I received three D's. A 'D' for English, maths and science. Obviously I hadn't put it in the effort, and I vaguely remember feeling so shit when I had to tell my marks to my parents. When I came to Australia in year 6, obviously my marks weren't amazing. They kept improving, bit by bit each year. While some were amazing, others were a disappointment. Whatever it was, I am still here, being the same, if not a bit improved, person that I was five years ago. Whatever happens, after remembering that wide shot of the man just calmly making his noodles with such concentration reminds me that I will be fine, and I will find that one job where I will be like that man. I don't know, just something to think about!
HSC 2019: English Advanced || Mathematics || Mathematics Extension 1 || Physics || Chemistry || Science Extension || Ancient History ||

The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update... || Halfway through Year 12... lessons I've learned so far. || Check out my youtube channel!

Pearlmilktea

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Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
« Reply #18 on: May 29, 2019, 03:14:40 pm »
+2
Whatever happens, after remembering that wide shot of the man just calmly making his noodles with such concentration reminds me that I will be fine, and I will find that one job where I will be like that man. I don't know, just something to think about!

Man I love your journey journal! It really pushes me to keep going and find the motivation to do my work!
I totally relate to finding inspiration from pop culture and TV shows. I think finding someone with a lot of passion and drive for their work helps me to keep going.

Congrats on your results too! You seem like you've absolutely smashed your exams ! Hard word pays off and studying smart definitely shows :D

Have a great week!
-Gracie
Feel free to check out my study instagram @gracie_studies for some study inspo or just to chat :)

HSC 2018: French Continuers (92)

HSC 2019: Biology, English Adv, French Extension, Legal Studies and Italian Beginners.

r1ckworthy

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Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
« Reply #19 on: May 30, 2019, 07:58:37 am »
0
Man I love your journey journal! It really pushes me to keep going and find the motivation to do my work!
I totally relate to finding inspiration from pop culture and TV shows. I think finding someone with a lot of passion and drive for their work helps me to keep going.

Thanks for the kind remarks! Yeah, pop culture and TV shows can sometimes be super motivating. What shows have motivated you the most?

Congrats on your results too! You seem like you've absolutely smashed your exams ! Hard word pays off and studying smart definitely shows :D

Have a great week!
-Gracie

Thanks! I mean, the teachers gave us big revision hints, so that might be part of the reason why I did so well. Mostly, it was just a huge lesson in that I found I needed to balance out work between assessment tasks and study. But you're right, hard work AND studying smart can lead to amazing results ;D ;D ;D

You too have a great week!!
HSC 2019: English Advanced || Mathematics || Mathematics Extension 1 || Physics || Chemistry || Science Extension || Ancient History ||

The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update... || Halfway through Year 12... lessons I've learned so far. || Check out my youtube channel!

r1ckworthy

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Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
« Reply #20 on: June 07, 2019, 12:39:24 am »
+3
Just need to get something out of my system. It's a big one.
Spoiler
Today was such a mixed bag of emotions. We went out as a class the whole day for an excursion, mainly for history. We went to a museum in the University of Sydney, and there I encountered a wall filled with tombstones from the Roman era. On the floor was a funerary urn, with's it's inscription stating how the son made this for his mother's ashes. Didn't take much more of it, until a good friend told me," hey, isn't it weird that our tombstones will end up like that on the wall?"

Fuck man I was lost at words. I stared at this funerary urn for like 30 minutes or something. The ashes of mother, whom used to be a human being fully living in the world like me, experiencing emotions, being themself, experiencing the world. Now turned to ash. To powder that slips past the fingers into a small little box, eventually to wisp away and end up in a museaum in Australia to be glimpsed temporarily by passerbys, to be remain there alone.

I haven't had too many existential crisis these past three weeks, probably none from the start of this term since I was focussed on schoolwork. It just all came tumbling down today. I was silent, I just knew myself to be awkwardly silent at that moment.
Things kind of got better. My class attended the 'last night of the proms' which was great. Then we walked through the 'vivid' festival, in the Botanic gardens.i walked with a couple of friends, but then I got separated and decided to walk alone.
I don't know, things got kind of intense. I started to think about the future, and all these negative consequences. Getting a bad ATAR, imagining the look on their faces. Fuck, like I don't know, I just kept moving into a negative spiral.
I just starting thinking about my life, and I was just disappointed. I was just feeling very very isolated, lonely kind of. Fuck. Like I just... I don't know.

Thing is, I already have a great home, good enough friends, food and shelter. A bed. I have everything I need, and yet I still feel like I'm missing something. Or someone, I don't know. This bugging feeling inside that something is not right.

I think it is loneliness to be honest. I don't know, but every single fucking time I hear my friends having a good time or just talking, I put myself in such a spiral,FOMO takes over. I guess there is this internal fear that I am perhaps alone in this journey. Every time I envision the future, I keep uttering the word loneliness. I do think know if it is a figment I have created, but it's so painful. To see other people, especially your friends, enjoy themselves without you. It's a very selfish thing, I know, but it still creates some kind of pain.

And when I do go hang out with them, I end up not having much fun and sitting by the corner. I keep telling myself that I am missing out on an opportunity that might make me happy, but I always end up as a recluse, listening to music while they chat. I guess I am creating this kind of expectation, which my friends can't meet.

I feel kind of lonely. I notice myself more and more trying to fit in, immediately making choices that supposedly will bring me in closer with them. But there is an urging feeling sometimes, a feeling that stabs me or something lIke that.

I don't think I like the people in my class as well. I addressed this in my first few posts, but their attitude to certain situations in life is kind of scary. There is an overt belief subtly interwoven into my school's culture of masculinity. For instance, walking down to the opera house, I just told out loud that I (prepare for cringiness) that I was holding a special someones hand right now (UHHH SO CRINGE). My two friends started to refute this. I told them I'll just let it happen naturally, like not forcing myslef to get out there and meet new people. Like let the circumstances dictate what I will do next, and take the opportunity. Letting it happen naturally. They refuted this quite strongly, and here are the exact words one friend said,
"I'm going to be honest, it's a competition."

Fucking hell. There were much worse things said. It's this kind of degrading culture, so subtle in the atmosphere of my school, that I fucking hate so much. Fuck, every single day, they taint the many beautiful things of society, which apparently to them is fucking ridiculous. Fuck. There's not really anyone that I have a deep relationship ship with. I don't know, but it's so overwhelming that no one will kind of hear you out. I guess it's a bit selfish, but yeah.

Ending up alone, I think of how the future will tear apart. Ending up lonely, ending up with disappointed parents, a disappointing mark. Like it's hard.

Hopefully, it goes away sometime. I just needed to tell someone about this, because things get pretty dark sometimes when I'm down this spiral of thoughts.

Seeing everyone enjoying life. That kind of makes me happy but pains me, alway subconsciously asking myself the question 'why am I not as happy?". Its a pretty selfish thing to be honest, and I guess omething I need to get rid of. But the thing is I don't know. I've always been told to stop thinking of myself,  to stop being selfish, I guess that may be why I am always going down spirals. I don't know. I just don't know.

Hopefully ill get better tomorrow. Il post again and see how I am going.
HSC 2019: English Advanced || Mathematics || Mathematics Extension 1 || Physics || Chemistry || Science Extension || Ancient History ||

The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update... || Halfway through Year 12... lessons I've learned so far. || Check out my youtube channel!

Bri MT

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Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
« Reply #21 on: June 07, 2019, 11:02:02 am »
+6
Just need to get something out of my system. It's a big one.
Spoiler
Today was such a mixed bag of emotions. We went out as a class the whole day for an excursion, mainly for history. We went to a museum in the University of Sydney, and there I encountered a wall filled with tombstones from the Roman era. On the floor was a funerary urn, with's it's inscription stating how the son made this for his mother's ashes. Didn't take much more of it, until a good friend told me," hey, isn't it weird that our tombstones will end up like that on the wall?"

Fuck man I was lost at words. I stared at this funerary urn for like 30 minutes or something. The ashes of mother, whom used to be a human being fully living in the world like me, experiencing emotions, being themself, experiencing the world. Now turned to ash. To powder that slips past the fingers into a small little box, eventually to wisp away and end up in a museaum in Australia to be glimpsed temporarily by passerbys, to be remain there alone.

I haven't had too many existential crisis these past three weeks, probably none from the start of this term since I was focussed on schoolwork. It just all came tumbling down today. I was silent, I just knew myself to be awkwardly silent at that moment.
Things kind of got better. My class attended the 'last night of the proms' which was great. Then we walked through the 'vivid' festival, in the Botanic gardens.i walked with a couple of friends, but then I got separated and decided to walk alone.
I don't know, things got kind of intense. I started to think about the future, and all these negative consequences. Getting a bad ATAR, imagining the look on their faces. Fuck, like I don't know, I just kept moving into a negative spiral.
I just starting thinking about my life, and I was just disappointed. I was just feeling very very isolated, lonely kind of. Fuck. Like I just... I don't know.

Thing is, I already have a great home, good enough friends, food and shelter. A bed. I have everything I need, and yet I still feel like I'm missing something. Or someone, I don't know. This bugging feeling inside that something is not right.

I think it is loneliness to be honest. I don't know, but every single fucking time I hear my friends having a good time or just talking, I put myself in such a spiral,FOMO takes over. I guess there is this internal fear that I am perhaps alone in this journey. Every time I envision the future, I keep uttering the word loneliness. I do think know if it is a figment I have created, but it's so painful. To see other people, especially your friends, enjoy themselves without you. It's a very selfish thing, I know, but it still creates some kind of pain.

And when I do go hang out with them, I end up not having much fun and sitting by the corner. I keep telling myself that I am missing out on an opportunity that might make me happy, but I always end up as a recluse, listening to music while they chat. I guess I am creating this kind of expectation, which my friends can't meet.

I feel kind of lonely. I notice myself more and more trying to fit in, immediately making choices that supposedly will bring me in closer with them. But there is an urging feeling sometimes, a feeling that stabs me or something lIke that.

I don't think I like the people in my class as well. I addressed this in my first few posts, but their attitude to certain situations in life is kind of scary. There is an overt belief subtly interwoven into my school's culture of masculinity. For instance, walking down to the opera house, I just told out loud that I (prepare for cringiness) that I was holding a special someones hand right now (UHHH SO CRINGE). My two friends started to refute this. I told them I'll just let it happen naturally, like not forcing myslef to get out there and meet new people. Like let the circumstances dictate what I will do next, and take the opportunity. Letting it happen naturally. They refuted this quite strongly, and here are the exact words one friend said,
"I'm going to be honest, it's a competition."

Fucking hell. There were much worse things said. It's this kind of degrading culture, so subtle in the atmosphere of my school, that I fucking hate so much. Fuck, every single day, they taint the many beautiful things of society, which apparently to them is fucking ridiculous. Fuck. There's not really anyone that I have a deep relationship ship with. I don't know, but it's so overwhelming that no one will kind of hear you out. I guess it's a bit selfish, but yeah.

Ending up alone, I think of how the future will tear apart. Ending up lonely, ending up with disappointed parents, a disappointing mark. Like it's hard.

Hopefully, it goes away sometime. I just needed to tell someone about this, because things get pretty dark sometimes when I'm down this spiral of thoughts.

Seeing everyone enjoying life. That kind of makes me happy but pains me, alway subconsciously asking myself the question 'why am I not as happy?". Its a pretty selfish thing to be honest, and I guess omething I need to get rid of. But the thing is I don't know. I've always been told to stop thinking of myself,  to stop being selfish, I guess that may be why I am always going down spirals. I don't know. I just don't know.

Hopefully ill get better tomorrow. Il post again and see how I am going.

re spoiler
You might have a different take on this, but are those ashes truly alone? So long after the person they are made up of has passed, there is still an impact being had on others. I don't know the entirety of anyone's life but that doesn't make them any less important or impactful.

Many people will tell you that the ATAR isn't that important in the scheme of things but in some sense to truly understand you have to be outside the highschool-bubble. That bubble is a weird place that can warp your perception of things and it can be a rough place to be in, but as the time passes and you've been out there long enough you'll get what we mean. Best of luck until then.


It's not selfish to want connection with others or to want to be understood. You're right that the responsibility isn't just on your friends to have you feel belonging but it's also not something you need to struggle through alone. If they're good friends you should be able to tell them how you feel - and even that alone can ease difficulty and loneliness.

It's not a pleasant feeling, but there's also nothing wrong with feeling loneliness sometimes. And certainly nothing wrong with you for that. If you do start to think that it's having a significant impact on your life and it doesn't seem to be going away I'd suggest you look into how you can improve and understand your mental wellbeing - including talking to a professional.

If you get an ATAR well below your potential that wouldn't make you a disappointment - mainly it means that you might take a slightly different road to your career and/or study goals. Yeah your parents might be disappointed and that's difficult to go through, but it doesn't mean that that feeling will persist or that you are a disappointment. There is so much more than your grades (especially your highschool grades) and even though it may be hard to understand now you and your parents won't define you by them.

I've had parts of my life where I thought I was a disappointment, not living up to my former potential etc. and even though it can feel all-consuming at the time it isn't. You get past it. I hope you don't go through that to the same extent as many of us in our age group do, but if you do, you won't be alone and it will pass if you give it enough time.

There's nothing wrong with not being happy or wanting to be happy. I prefer to chase fulfillment rather than happiness as I find it is more lasting, but there are a lot of societal messages around happiness being the most important thing which can make that difficult. You can have everything going right in your life and still not always feel happiness; that's not being broken, it's being human.


Easy advice to give and harder to enact, but if you can identify how your spirals start it can make it easier to avoid the plunge.

Best of luck
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r1ckworthy

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Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
« Reply #22 on: June 07, 2019, 09:39:01 pm »
+5
re spoiler
You might have a different take on this, but are those ashes truly alone? So long after the person they are made up of has passed, there is still an impact being had on others. I don't know the entirety of anyone's life but that doesn't make them any less important or impactful.

Many people will tell you that the ATAR isn't that important in the scheme of things but in some sense to truly understand you have to be outside the highschool-bubble. That bubble is a weird place that can warp your perception of things and it can be a rough place to be in, but as the time passes and you've been out there long enough you'll get what we mean. Best of luck until then.


It's not selfish to want connection with others or to want to be understood. You're right that the responsibility isn't just on your friends to have you feel belonging but it's also not something you need to struggle through alone. If they're good friends you should be able to tell them how you feel - and even that alone can ease difficulty and loneliness.

It's not a pleasant feeling, but there's also nothing wrong with feeling loneliness sometimes. And certainly nothing wrong with you for that. If you do start to think that it's having a significant impact on your life and it doesn't seem to be going away I'd suggest you look into how you can improve and understand your mental wellbeing - including talking to a professional.

If you get an ATAR well below your potential that wouldn't make you a disappointment - mainly it means that you might take a slightly different road to your career and/or study goals. Yeah your parents might be disappointed and that's difficult to go through, but it doesn't mean that that feeling will persist or that you are a disappointment. There is so much more than your grades (especially your highschool grades) and even though it may be hard to understand now you and your parents won't define you by them.

I've had parts of my life where I thought I was a disappointment, not living up to my former potential etc. and even though it can feel all-consuming at the time it isn't. You get past it. I hope you don't go through that to the same extent as many of us in our age group do, but if you do, you won't be alone and it will pass if you give it enough time.

There's nothing wrong with not being happy or wanting to be happy. I prefer to chase fulfillment rather than happiness as I find it is more lasting, but there are a lot of societal messages around happiness being the most important thing which can make that difficult. You can have everything going right in your life and still not always feel happiness; that's not being broken, it's being human.


Easy advice to give and harder to enact, but if you can identify how your spirals start it can make it easier to avoid the plunge.

Best of luck

Thanks Bri MT for the kind words. I especially like how being sometimes unhappy is not being broke but being human. That point really spoke to me.

I kind of relate to you on being a disappointment. The night where I had to show my report card to my parents was the worst. I remember in year 9, after receiving some bad grades, I walked back home from school. I looked to my house and I kind of broke down. I've always kind of felt like a disappointment, but you are absolutely right in saying that it will pass. It sucks to be in it, but it will surely pass. Like you said, it's to be human to experience these things.

Today was a little bit better. I submitted my chemistry assessment, had the school athletics carnival today. It was so boring. We just sat around having nothing to do. I think these spirals often begin when I am alone. When alone, sitting down, FOMO, anxiety, regret, all these negative emotions wash down on me. Which is kind of sad, to be honest, because I used to love being alone. I would often try and find the time to just sit down and watch the wind brush the tress, the sun setting down, the wind gently flowing through the branches, hearing the bustle of far away school children nearby. I used to love that, sitting by myself and just being in the moment. I remember one time, I just closed my eyes and I felt a kind of peace I had never experienced before, not thinking about anything and just experiencing the world, in the present moment.
Now my thoughts kind of take over me. I become more anxious, more scared of the future more than ever, which is kind of unfortunate. I might try some meditation to fix this, I'll let you know how it goes.

So yeah. I am feeling a little bit better than yesterday, which is an improvement.
 Did feel a bit lonely today as well. Also, a bit of a side note, ive made my school sound like shit. It really isn't. It's just their belief system that I have a problem with. The teachers are actually amazing, going out of their way to help us students. My friends can also be great supporters, although sometimes I feel left out.

The more and more I think about it, there really is a balance between everything in life. It is when one side gets tipped over that conflict starts to arise. Whatever it is, I hope to repair this balance and become a better version of myself.

I might stop at these kinds of reflections to be honest, they take quite a bit of time and ends with me feeling a little bit dreadful ???. I'll try to 'balance' ( :)) it out with daily stuff. However, if people are starting to like this a lot, I'll take the chance and do it, because I often feel more in tune with myself when writing this.

Finally, thank you if you have read this far. I'll make an update this weekend.

Peace,
r1ckworthy.

(PS kind of playing around with the idea of video blogs, stay tuned!)
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r1ckworthy

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Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
« Reply #23 on: June 16, 2019, 12:27:07 am »
+10
Hey peeps!!!

Context: My friends and I planned out something for the long weekend last monday, and I decided to vlog it. Be prepared for a mouthful of cringe, you gonna get it ;D ;D ;D.

A few things to keep wary:
-My first vlog, don't judge ;D
-My laugh be super weird sometimes, excuse me for that ;D
-I'm ending all my my points with this emoji  ;D cause I'm a sick lad
-ENJOY!!! I was initially hesitant to upload it, but my friends convinced me otherwise. Uploading it here so that I'll remember to watch it when I look back ;D


BTW. I know at the end I mentioned uploading it yesterday, premiere pro won't import some of my files until 11:00PM yesterday so yesssss.
« Last Edit: June 16, 2019, 12:46:03 am by r1ckworthy »
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r1ckworthy

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Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
« Reply #24 on: June 19, 2019, 12:23:09 am »
+8
Hey y'all!

Hope you have enjoyed the vlog up above. I initially wanted to edit it on Friday evening, but premiere pro won't officially import all my files. After 2-3 hors, I realised that there were videos less than 1 second long. The footage was finally imported at 11:00 after deleting those files. I didn't want to feel as if the day was wasted, so isat around editing it until 1:00AM. It was totally worth it.
I had initially thought that I should not uploading to my journal. I thought it would be too cringe, and revealing my face to the wonderful users here would kind 'disturb' what they think of me as a person. As can be seen from the video, I am a really awkward and cringe person, who occasionally thinks quite deeply about the world. But I showed it to my friends (who are in the video) and they totally changed my mind. It took quite some time to upload (the final export was 1.9Gb!). Totally worth it, and I hope you have enjoyed it!

In terms of school, my marks haven't been that great. For X1 maths, I got 54.5/70 (78%) with my final mark being 41/50. It was top mark, and if I had committed those silly mistakes I would definitely have gotten high nineties! Any suggestions for this?
For English, my final mark was 83/100 which is pretty decent. However, I do have to say that the marking felt kind of dodgy. My opinion, but it was kind of dodgy. Regardless, I am not too happy with this mark, and I need to work harder in order to increase it to a band 6.

Now I have officially started timed practice for the UCAT! I've been practicing for quite some time, but all my sections are close or below the average. I think from now one, im doing to dedicate one section perday, and to keep doing questions until I get good at them. Like for instance what is the point of doing timed quantitative section if you cant even complete it? My plan is to become comfortable with the questions and get used to it, and then doing it over and over again to get used to them. Otherwise I see no point in continuing timed practice if I am not good at them. My school has this program where yr11/12 for to Canberra as a study camp sort of thing straight after holidays. My UCAT is 2 days after this, and I won't have access to medify,  which leaves me very worried. So I think I'll just do as many questions in each section as possible, and then only doing timed responses when I have become good at them.

I also have two assessment tasks next week! One for maths X1 (a practical investigation) and English (detective fiction story) which I have gotten started on. I need to get these done, so I hope I finish it in this weekend.

As well as that, I as well as another person were chosen to represent our school to go-to government house, which is pretty cool! I really don't understand why I was chosen, since there are so many people that are more involved with the school then I am, but yeah. I'm happy about that, and I'm going this Thursday!

I feel more and more stressed right now, probably because of those two assessment tasks. However, I need to calm myself down, and just work gradually everyday until I finish it.

Here's something I realised this week:
Spoiler
I have been getting really anxious over the past few days. Yesterday for instance I only completed 8-9 questions out of 30 for timed quantitative reasoning for UCAT practice!
This lead to some deep self hate such as:
"Your not smart, why do you bother trying?"
"Your an utter disappointment, just stop.”
“You will never improve.”
Very negative thoughts. I almost started to cry to be honest and jus breakdown, it just overwhelmed me fully at that moment.
“Stop trying."
"Your parents are doctors, look at you."

I woke up, and another surge of anxiety hit me once again. But this time I just stayed calm and just breathed deeply in and out.
I realised I need to go back to the days where I enjoyed being alone. So for the next few weeks, I am going to practice 10 minutes of meditation. I need to go back being calm and collected, having full confidence in my self despite under the pressure. I need to top his negative thinking to be honest. Sometimes, to be honest, I really hate myself. I suppose this is promoted by sokeof my classmates. Being called cringe,it's seems small, and I know its small, but man... I don't know, it just kind of fucking hurts. I can kind of imagine them now, reading this journal post (which they have done) and just calling it cringe and dismissing it.

They can be good friends by the way. They have provided some support and plenty of funny memories. But it is also them who have kind of caused me to be self conscious and deeply critical of myself and my potential. I feel like I have to act like someone else, this sort of fake cringe guy. I frankly don't know how to act around them.

It was today I realised I am in control ofmy life, and while I can't control who I am and my emotions, I can let it be as it is. I can be calm and just smile. Only a few more months, and I will have to endure this kind of thing.
But at the same time, I do think I will miss them. It so weird. I've come to the realisation that life really is all about balance. Sometimes you will have good days and bad days, but they are all equal. It is us who emphasise the days. We can choose to focus on the good days or bad days. And I think I, and others, choose to focus on the bad in order to feel better about ourselves. And that's alright. But I think a better way is to take a deep breath and just let it be. To focus on the now, to be fully immersed in the present, letting the rain fall and not trying to avoid it is the best way to experience life. Because the only way to see the sun is to live through the night.

I like that metaphor. I feel it's sums up the HSC experience, and everything in general. We must experience the night in order to see the sun rise.
And while we might seem like we are forever in the dark, the best thing to do is to keep wading into the unknown, and just fully immerse ourself in the present. Choosing to let go of anxiety, negativity... That's when I we experience happiness, or experience fulfillment.
But it can be hard to let go of anxiety, depression, all those shitty things. I think that's where meditation comes in. Practicing meditation, to be in silence without thinking, is to remind ourself that we will be fine.
To whomever is reading this, especially those in the midst of chaos, know that it will pass. Don't attempt to block the emotions. Take a deep breath. Cry your heart out. You will feel much better in the future. You will be fine, and you will be alright. Whatever comes your way, anxiety, death, whatever, just keep the knowledge that it will pass.
Know that it will pass.
Know that it will pass.
We must experience the night in order to feel the sunshine.
 

That's my week so far, will update on Friday. Have a great week  ;D ;D ;D.

Peace,
R1ckworthy.
HSC 2019: English Advanced || Mathematics || Mathematics Extension 1 || Physics || Chemistry || Science Extension || Ancient History ||

The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update... || Halfway through Year 12... lessons I've learned so far. || Check out my youtube channel!

rani_b

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Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
« Reply #25 on: June 21, 2019, 07:38:11 pm »
+1
Hey!!

I'm sitting the UCAT too and it's really starting to stress me out as well. I really relate to you about feeling anxious/worried about the timing (I literally just did a practice and went worse then I have ever gone, so that wasn't too great).

But, i can tell that you are really dedicated and working towards set goals - it's hard to ignore that voice in your head, but it's good that you recognise that thoughts like that will only hold you back. So I'm sure you'll go great  ;D

Good luck!!

P.S. quantitative reasoning is so hard what even  :(
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laura_

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Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
« Reply #26 on: June 22, 2019, 07:55:42 am »
+1
Choosing to let go of anxiety, negativity... That's when I we experience happiness, or experience fulfillment.
But it can be hard to let go of anxiety, depression, all those shitty things. I think that's where meditation comes in. Practicing meditation, to be in silence without thinking, is to remind ourself that we will be fine.
To whomever is reading this, especially those in the midst of chaos, know that it will pass. Don't attempt to block the emotions. Take a deep breath. Cry your heart out. You will feel much better in the future. You will be fine, and you will be alright. Whatever comes your way, anxiety, death, whatever, just keep the knowledge that it will pass.
Know that it will pass.
Know that it will pass.
We must experience the night in order to feel the sunshine.

Such profoundness and a great thing to carry into the final week of term. Have loved reading your journal. It's felt really authentic and raw and certainly been a massive encouragement!
the cage is shattered
the songbird sings
of her freedom once more

soars in blue
basks in the light
leaving nothing
but notes behind

she is never going
back in that cage

Bri MT

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Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
« Reply #27 on: June 22, 2019, 12:39:16 pm »
+5
Hey,

I'd personally feel much more comfortable giving a speech to a thousand people than videoing myself and having 30 people see it, so kudos for having the courage to upload when you felt/feel self-concious about it. You might find it hard to believe this, but when I watch the video I see a AN-er having a memorable day with their friends and not a "cringe" person.

I'm not sure if this'll help you, but something that was beneficial to me when I've been very stressed is to replace words like "need" with "should". Eg. Really, it isn't a requirement that you "need" to calm yourself down but you "should" as it will help you. For me, this me helps me see anxiety and stress as something I can work through rather than a terrifying obstacle.

response to spoiler
It seems that there's a part of you that says you aren't good enough (would be surprising if there wasn't given most people have this - and btw it's mistaken) and that it uses test performance as leverage for who it thinks you "should" be. I can tell you now that test performance does not accurately measure how smart you are or how good a doctor you would be. It's more accurate than taking a completely random guess (hence why they use it) but it certainly isn't fully accurate. I did a few UMAT practice questions (back when I was feeling pressure to keep a medical career pathway open) and my worst section was qualitative reasoning even though I've been a high-achiever in STEM for most of my life.

Yeah often it's the people we care most about who we allow to injure us most deeply (even if accidentally). All forms of relationship (friendship, family etc.) can be complicated and it's perfectly understandable to be torn between wanting people in and pushing them away. I don't know enough about your relationships with them to give advice about what lines to draw and where, or if you can can avoid them by communicating your difficulties in the right way, but know that it's ok to struggle with this.

It can be hard to make mindfullness a habit and I wish you best of luck with it - please try not to be too hard on yourself if you forget.

I hope that government house is great - maybe your school saw what we see here: that you're a dedicated and welcoming student who helps others

Edit: fixed bbc code
« Last Edit: June 23, 2019, 08:45:14 am by Bri MT »
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r1ckworthy

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Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
« Reply #28 on: June 23, 2019, 12:20:31 am »
+10
Hey! Thank you to all who replied. Certainly made my weekend. I know, rani_b, quantitative section is so fucked up ::) ::)
Thanks laura_ for the kind words! Hopefully it all pays off  ;D ;D ;D

Big thanks to Bri MT for what you said. I especially resonated about the part with marks and how it does not reflect me as a person. But it can be so damn hard to remember that. I don’t know, right now my eyes are set on this one path of being a doctor and I literally can’t think of any other career that can suit me. I’ll get on to that later.

Firstly, the government house trip was great! First we listened to MPs speak of their journey, and one such MP shouted our school out! Super embarassing since it was two of once in a room of 150 kids from other schools, but it was lit 8). Afterwards, we went to the upper and lower house, where it got especially heated. It was really cool! We ate lunch and then proceeded to the government house. We took a tour, and then chilled outside in the garden for a bit. We then listened to the governer speak, who was Margaret Beazely. It was super formal, like we had to address her as 'Your Excellency' and that kind of shit. Her lecture was alright, but then we went outside again. We chatted with two Syrian refugees, who were super duper nice! One guy wanted to be an actor, and we chatted of films as I used to be very interested in that area. A girl joined our conversation, and she was pretty cool too. Afterwards we went back to school. It was a great day, and one I won't forget. Here's a pic of me standing outside in the garden of government house:


Needless to say, I look pretty sick 8) 8) 8)

I haven't done that much work to be honest, which I need to do more of. Tonight, I went to Eastwood with my family and our neighbours. We went to a Singapore restaurant, which was absolutely great, at least the food. We had crabs and a whole lot of other seafood. Let's just say things got messy ;D

I came home and did some times practice for UCAT. Things are not going to well, and I need to research on how I can improve.

I think with each journal post (like before) I'm going to put a spoiler in which I rang or release something I have been thinking about recentky. Please feel free to skip, absolute not necessary ;D
Spoiler
Two thoughts are dominating me right now. One is that I'm not doing well in terms of academics, and that I need to find new people.
Let's address the first thought first. I'm really worried in terms of marks. My UCQT hasn't gone too well, and it's in two weeks. My average for each section is below or close to the average, which should not be. Plus, I probably won't practice the week after next week, as I'm away to Canberra on a school study camp without access to the internet. I'm deeply worried. I think I need to research on how I can improve tomorrow. Honestly, now that I think about it, I just need to keep practicing and practicing. I guess that's really it. I'm gonna research and see what happens tomorrow.

The second thought. Right now, I feel kind of deprived, if you know what I mean. Or in other words, lonely, like I'm kind of missing something or someone, no matter how cringe that sounds. Like, I really like my friends an all that, but I always feel like needing to release to someone, to have someone to talk to, who's available. I'm craving a close relationship with people, whom I,  in the moment, can talk to. And it's kind of hopeless right now, because the only people I kind of know close are at school, where my character is already set in the social spectrum, if you know what I mean. That's why I love AN at the moment. People don't really see me as cringe (hopefully :)) and accept me for who I am. I just wish that people whom I can interact with see me beyond the surface. I wish I could become myself, letting go of my seeming confidence and just be myself in front of someone, an insecure person who needs to let stuff out.
On the other hand, I also wish to help people. I've been trying to do that on AN for sometime, and it really fulfills me. I just wish right now that people in my current life right now will be right there for me right now, and that I can be right there for them at anytime. I wish I can talk to them at any time and they will respond, and they will talk to me and I will talk to them.

It's a really selfish thing to be honest, but I think deep inside I've wanting that to be true. I do realise that no person can fill this role, but I wish there would be someone to whom I can instantly release. I've tried to do this in the past, but what people say usually is 'ill be there for you' instead of just listening. And it's so hard to tell them of what I've been thinking as well. It's really hard to reveal to someone of what I am feeling.

Sometimes, I feel like this is the right way to go, to be alone and go through these experiences alone, in order to grow stronger. But I feel like needing someone by my side as well. I don't know.

I've been telling my friends about this, and they've told me to get into a relationship with someone. But who!?!? I'm perfectly available to be honest, but there is no one whom I have resonated with or known other than school friends :-[ :-[ :-[. That would solve something, perhaps, but the problem is there is no one.

It's this internal struggle I guess I need to face independently. I guess meditation and mindfulness would help, but yeah.

This shit is super embarassing, and it shouldn't be, but it kind of is. Whatever it is, I'm just feeling the need to get to know more people and to make new friends other than those at school. I've post again tomorrow, but I can't really find a solution to this.
 

So that's been it so far. Hope the post was good!

Peace,

r1ckworthy.
HSC 2019: English Advanced || Mathematics || Mathematics Extension 1 || Physics || Chemistry || Science Extension || Ancient History ||

The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update... || Halfway through Year 12... lessons I've learned so far. || Check out my youtube channel!

r1ckworthy

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Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
« Reply #29 on: July 09, 2019, 11:37:50 pm »
+6
 After a marvellous night of counting to 20 before a mod posts, what better to end it than a long overdue journal post? ;D ;D ;D (PS Poet if you're reading this, THANK YOU SO MUCH for making me work, really needed it otherwise things were going to get out of hand ::) ::))

A whole of things have happened since I last posted. Let me break it down:

Study Camp: Honestly, it was a total bore. I wish I could have stayed home and dedicated some intense practice to UCAT (which I will talk about later on) but anyways. My cabin was with friends I roughly alluded to in my previous journal posts. We did some stupid stuff (which I had to apologise for, will tell the story at a later time), and towards the last day, I let my rising anger get the best of my and I got full on triggered at them. I'm usually a very calm person, but I just let loose. Eventually, they figured to stop and apologised to me. At the end, I apologized again for letting my temper get the best of me and we all became happily ever after (not really, but we were okay with each other again :)) Other than that, camp was a huge stretch, and I was never more excited to come home. Some parts of it were pretty good, but I would not go back again.

UCAT: Okay so I came back from camp last Saturday. I was intending to do a mock test on that night, but instead went to bed. On Sunday morning, I completed a mock test on medify. Afterwards, I half procrastinated/ analysed every single wrong question I got (which were a lot) for the verbal reasoning, decision making and situational judgement sections. I ended up making five pages worth of notes. On Monday (yesterday), I started three mock tests but I couldn't bring myself to finish them. I ended up doing a whole bunch of quantitative reasoning questions from the official UCAT website, which I think really influenced my score. My test was scheduled at 8:00 so I took a nap at 5:30 and woke up again at 6:30. I was extremely nervous during the whole day, to say the least, and I really needed a nap. I ate dinner and my dad, my sister and my beautifully drove me to the testing centre. At first I was nervous, but then I become more chill. I spoke to this guy who just graduated last year and who was doing med sci (or some other related degree) and we just talked about a lot of things while we waited. We began our test at 8:45 (maybe a bit later). I think I became a bit too chill,I found myself singing Gangnam style in my head just before I started ::).
After the test, I was kind of laughing because of how bad I did. I predicted to get 400-500 range scores for all subsections (for those who don't know, the UCAT converts all scores of subsections to a scale between 300 and 900). My results are in the spoiler:
UCAT Results
Verbal Reasoning: High 500's
Decision Making: High 500's
Quantitative Reasoning: 710
Abstract Reasoning: 680
Situational judgement: High 500's
Total score (discounting sit.jdg.): 2500

I was throughly surprised seeing my test scores, especially for QR and AR. In order to get into med, I think from watching other videos I need to get a total score>2800 (in order to get above the 90th percentile) so I am not expecting to receive an offer this year. This test,to be honest, was a bit of a confidence booster because it showed me I have the mental capacity and the 'smarts' to actually do alright in my scores, all I needed to do is just to be thoroughly prepared ;D. I will definitely retake the test next year, hopefully I will do enough preparation to get above 700's in all my subsections.

My future plan after highschool is now to get into an advanced science degree and then transfer to medicine next year, if all goes well. I will make a much thorough plan later, I fully expect no offers for interviews this year. I don't see this as disappointing, I know that it's really hard to get into med, but the point is that I need to keep trying. I have watched videos of people who tried the UCAT FOUR BLOOMING TIMES (in the UK) and they got it. This is just a small bump in my path, so hopefully I keep persevering!!! All I am going to do now is focus on getting a really great ATAR and then we will see how things go from here.

It's 11:30 and I really need to go to sleep :P. I will update in the coming days of what stuff I intend to do over these holidays. Its a shame I can't attend any lectures, as I have extra holiday classes and it is in the city (which is a huge hassle). Also, I plan to do a 'UCAT: lessons I've learned' article here in the UCAT thread, definitely lookout for that. Otherwise, thanks to all who is reading, hope you have had an awesome week so far!

Byeee,

r1ckworthy.






HSC 2019: English Advanced || Mathematics || Mathematics Extension 1 || Physics || Chemistry || Science Extension || Ancient History ||

The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update... || Halfway through Year 12... lessons I've learned so far. || Check out my youtube channel!