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April 15, 2021, 07:06:24 pm

Author Topic: QCE English Questions Thread  (Read 10895 times)

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s110820

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Re: QCE English Questions Thread
« Reply #60 on: February 17, 2021, 08:51:14 am »
+3
Hey Everyone,
I was just looking for some feedback on this paragraph I have written for my comparison of The Crucible and In the Name of the Father analytical essay. Any feedback on content or grammar would be greatly appreciated.
My draft feedback said that I lacked information on the cultural assumptions, so this is the paragraph I have written to try and address this.

The events at the time of the legal proceedings provoked the hysterical environment that influenced the legal proceedings. At the time prior to the Guildford pub bombing, the Irish Republican Army had been launching an array of terrorist attacks against England. The threat of the IRA at the time “struck deep into the British people’s sense of security”, placing immense pressure on the legal system. The film uses archival footage, footage of the real events occurring, to further portray the hysterical environment. Furthermore, the British government was losing the control of their people, causing panic within the members of the government, as was the case for Inspector Dixon. As well as this, the introduction of the Terrorism Act, provided Dixon with “quite extraordinary powers of democracy”. Likewise, in “The Crucible”, the Puritan beliefs of the townspeople lead to the convictions based on spectral evidence. In this Puritan society, governed by religious doctorination, the beliefs of supernatural beings were a reality. As a result, the threat of witchcraft applied increased pressure for the legal system to act. In both legal systems, the events and beliefs at the time contributed to the mass hysteria in the environment.

Thanks for the help

Hey Hermannm21,

Here’s my feedback for you:

The events at the time of the legal proceedings provoked the hysterical environment that influenced the legal proceedings.

As someone who has no context of what your texts are about or their significance, this sentence particularly confuses me as I have no idea what you’re talking about.

Don’t worry, a lot of students face this problem too so you’re not the only one but your topic sentence should consist of your thesis and your preview statement.

What “legal proceedings” are you talking about exactly? How was the environment “hysterical”? What events? Make your topic as specific and as relevant as possible to your preview point and your thesis.

And also, I would recommend only using the phrase “legal proceedings” once in your topic sentence as it makes it too clunky, and often confusing to read. I would recommend taking out the first “legal proceedings”

Try rewriting your topic sentence and make it as specific as possible to your thesis and preview.


At the time prior to the Guildford pub bombing, the Irish Republican Army had been launching an array of terrorist attacks against England.

There’s also a similar problem here - yes, you’re providing some context which is great but this sentence is supposed to further build (and support) a solid foundation to your topic sentence.

But currently, these two sentences are not flowing well. Try using a “connecting” word or phrase to smooth sail to your next sentence and tie in the context of your first sentence with your second sentence.

For example, how does the “legal proceedings” and the “hysterical environment” (first sentence) relate to “the Guildford pub bombing” and the “Irish Republican army” and their “array of terrorist attacks”?

The amount of context you have depends on the criteria of your task though - if your audience is familiar with the texts, then you won’t need to but if your audience is unfamiliar with the texts, then you may need to write one or two more sentences of context if need be.


The threat of the IRA at the time “struck deep into the British people’s sense of security”, placing immense pressure on the legal system.

As I’m assuming that this is the first quote you’re going to analyse, as your audience, I would really love to see more depth in this sentence as you’re introducing this quote.

For example, you could try flipping around this sentence and adding a little bit more nuance to this sentence to really engage the readers and maintain their interest. You could try this sentence:

Even so, immense pressure was mounted on the legal system as the threat of the IRA “struck deep into the British people’s sense of security” which essentially forebode their fate as a nation.


The film uses archival footage, footage of the real events occurring, to further portray the hysterical environment.

I get where you’re going with this but technically, you’re not actually analysing anything here. Rather than just stating that the film does this and that, you need to explore the aspects of the texts in a lot more depth.

Think about it like you’re going for a swim in the ocean - as you tread into the water, this first stage (introducing the quote and the context) is where you get comfortable with the rift of waves and maintain your balance.

Then, as you gradually move further into the water, the water itself will get a lot deeper (using your quote (or in the case, the rift of the ocean) to stay afloat and not drift away from where you want to be).

As I said more, rather than just stating facts, analysing texts is about getting into deeper waters - exploring the specific, often different places (or in this case aspects of the texts, the techniques that the film uses and their significance as well), most of which may be out of your comfort zone.

My point is, a film is a lot more than just “archival footage” - what makes films significant are their camera angles, mis-en-scene, authorial (or in this case directorial) intentions and types of shots to portray a particular emotion or thought.

So please talk more about camera angles, mis-en-scene, authorial/directorial intentions and the types of camera shots, as well as their significance more often in your essay.

But if you do choose to talk about the “archival footage” - please explore this in more depth, explain the significance/purpose of this feature and why the director may have used archival footage.


Furthermore, the British government was losing the control of their people, causing panic within the members of the government, as was the case for Inspector Dixon.

Again, for me personally, there does seem to be some discrepancy (and lack of understanding) when I read this sentence, as I’m not familiar with your text or the criteria of your task.

As I’m not sure whether your audience would be knowledgeable of your texts or not, I would usually say provide more context but I would recommend checking with your teacher first.

However, you (still) haven’t technically made a point yet. I hate to sound rude or anything, but at the moment, your paragraph doesn’t have a backbone yet. There’s nothing to support the foundation of your paragraph so at the moment, it kinda looks like a bunch of sentences squished together.

But my point is, even as I’m nearing the end of your paragraph, as a reader, I still have no idea what you’re talking about or what your point is.

Hence, I would recommend using my advice above, and tread into deeper waters with your analysis, as well as plan your essay from scratch.

I know it may seem like a bit of a hassle, but I really feel like that this would be the best step for you before you continue writing more.

Plan out each and every paragraph (including your intro and your conclusion). Step out each and everything you’re going to say using dot points. Trust me, it’ll help you in the long run.


As well as this, the introduction of the Terrorism Act, provided Dixon with “quite extraordinary powers of democracy”.

Similarly, I also have a few questions that I think you should answer in this sentence:

What is the Terrorism Act? Why was it created (and enforced)? Who does it protect?
Who  is this fellow Dixon that you’re talking about?
How does Dixon relate to the story and what’s his significance to the text?

Also, in terms of this sentence, I would also recommend shuffling this sentence around. Maybe it could look something like this:

Dixon, who according to [whoever said this quote e.g. the British public] was blessed with the “quite extraordinary powers of democracy”, which, without a doubt, was inherently due to the introduction of the Terrorist Act of [insert year here].

But also, what does this got to do with anything? What is the point you’re trying to make? Please elaborate as you can’t leave a child (in this case a quote) stranded in the middle of a supermarket (which in this case happens to be your essay).

Essentially, once you introduce a quote, you cannot leave it to fend for itself. You need to make a point out of it.


Likewise, in “The Crucible”, the Puritan beliefs of the townspeople lead to the convictions based on spectral evidence.

What is “The Crucible”? Who was it written by and when? You need to introduce these facts as you introduce a text. It’s like that “leaving a kid in a supermarket” analogy. You can’t just leave the readers hanging - especially if they aren’t familiar with a text.

What is a Puritan? What is their social and cultural relevance? How does this shape and influence the story?
Maybe you could give one or two sentences providing some historical insight.

Also, I’m not exactly sure what you mean by “spectral” - are you trying to say that certain people are oblivious to the evidence or something else?


In this Puritan society, governed by religious doctorination, the beliefs of supernatural beings were a reality. As a result, the threat of witchcraft applied increased pressure for the legal system to act.

This is actually a really good sentence! However, rather than saying that the “beliefs of supernatural beings were a reality” I would recommend saying that “the presence of supernatural beings in reality was a common belief within society.

Also, what legal system did they have in Puritan society? Is this similar to the one they have in your other text? Or is it different? Compare and contrast if possible.


In both legal systems, the events and beliefs at the time contributed to the mass hysteria in the environment.

In your concluding sentence, I would recommend using a connecting word such as “hence” or “thus” to really tie your paragraph together.

However, in your paragraph you never directly mentioned how the events and beliefs at the time contributed to the mass hysteria in the environment, which means that you can’t really conclude with your paragraph without discussing this first.


Hopefully, this helps :)
« Last Edit: February 17, 2021, 10:14:39 am by s110820 »
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JerryMouse2019

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Re: QCE English Questions Thread
« Reply #61 on: March 07, 2021, 07:14:41 pm »
+1
How long (as in days) should it take for me to memorise or at least rehearse a 5-6 minute speech properly?

If I'm going to use palm cards then how big should the font size be and how many sentences per palm card should I have?
QCE Class of 2021: English | General Maths | Business | Economics | Legal Studies | Digital Solutions

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s110820

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Re: QCE English Questions Thread
« Reply #62 on: March 07, 2021, 09:30:32 pm »
+2
How long (as in days) should it take for me to memorise or at least rehearse a 5-6 minute speech properly?

If I'm going to use palm cards then how big should the font size be and how many sentences per palm card should I have?

Hey Jerry,

Sorry for the slightly late reply but it ultimately depends on how confident you feel about your school. As an introvert with social anxiety (legit the worse combo imaginable), I would dedicate at least two weeks prior to my presentation day to practice my speech as practicing it for longer made me feel more comfortable on presentation day.

If you're a pretty confident person, I would recommend probably around a week before your presentation day. But do whatever makes you feels comfortable. As for flashcards, I would make the font pretty big (maybe one or two sizes above the standard size of "12" or "14") but again, I would definitely recommend experimenting prior to your presentation day.

Also, don't have huge chunks of text on your flashcards, do dot-points instead (maybe 3-4 lines maximum).

Hopefully, that helps :)

Good luck for your presentation and have a great week,

Darcy Dillon.
QUT 2021 - Bachelor of Education (Primary).

I’m offering tutoring in 2021! PM me for more details if interested :)