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July 13, 2020, 02:03:17 am

Author Topic: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!  (Read 16757 times)

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Geoo

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #120 on: November 20, 2019, 12:27:34 pm »
+7
I second what bri has said 100%.
You are going through a hard time, and I was in a similar place last year during the same time. I can be super cliche and say that it will get better in time, but I know that it really doesn't seem like it. The good thing is is that you are getting help which is amazing, and as bri said, I wouldn't care to much about doing well in year 10 exams as they really don't mean much for the future.

At the moment all i can really advise is to look after yourself and do what you need to do to feel better. From personal experience maybe focus more on your health instead of your education, as your health is always the most important and without it, you can't really do anything else. So take some time for yourself, make small goals and take a breather. Do some things that you enjoy that are small, maybe go treat yourself with a new pair of shorts, go for a small walk, hang out with a few friends and even let them know how you are feeling.

It well get better over time, and look after yourself especially your health! PM me if you need to talk :)

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laura_

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #121 on: November 20, 2019, 05:31:56 pm »
+7
So sorry you're feeling like this w0olfqu33n. Although things feel really awful right now, I'm so glad to hear you've got some professional support. It's fantastic that you like your psych and hopefully, she'll be just one of the people in your life that can support you through this time in your life. I know it seems like a while before you can see her again (and sounds like a while too), but you only have to hold on a little longer. Hopefully, she's given you some things to try in the meantime.

Can totally relate to feeling like you can't breathe all the time. Was literally almost given an asthma puffer, before my doctor realised that I was just super stressed and anxious. It's not a nice feeling, but it is something that will eventually pass. When I was really struggling, I thought that there was no way things would ever get and better, but then I woke up one day, looked back, and realised that things were better than they had been a month ago, and a lot better than they had been the month before that. You'll start making progress, and before you know it, this will be behind you.

Although this phase is dark and gloomy, remember that the sun is just behind the horizon, and will come again. <3

And like Geo and Bri said, focus on you at the minute. (Stuff those exams; they mean literally nothing.)
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Evolio

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #122 on: November 21, 2019, 06:53:41 pm »
+7
Hi w0lfqu33n.
I agree with everyone above.
I just wanted to say that hang in there and you will get through this dark time. I know it looks like there's no way out and it's a neverending cycle but the cycle will break sometime. Believe me, I've experienced dark times as well and they do get better. Just stay strong. I know you are strong! You can beat this.

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I feel so done in my world right now. All I do is screw everything up and ruin it myself.
I feel like this sometimes as well. But, you know what, you just got to persevere and stay strong and time will heal you. Just give it some time.

Also, about your exams, they literally mean nothing and your mental health is priority number one so I would focus on that.

Keep shining!
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Snow Leopard

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #123 on: November 29, 2019, 08:18:05 pm »
+3
Hey w0lfqu33en, I hope you're well!

Have you finished Yr 10 Exams?
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w0lfqu33n89

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #124 on: December 07, 2019, 01:54:27 pm »
+13
life's been shit, you will have an update soon when I can motivate myself to explain my thoughts once again but for now, I found this in one of my notebooks, I think I wrote it, because when I googled it nothing came up, if so then I am very proud of it because I still believe every word is real;

"life is a masquerade,

a ball in which we dance, with glittering masks and hidden features - both physical and emotional.
we school our faces into a smile, we place makeup on our lashes and cheeks.
we use confidence as a barrier, insults as a wall.
we guard our hearts from hurt, but in doing so, we may
cut ourselves off from the rest of the world.
our whole society is a masquerade. A place without trust,
because everyone is too afraid to take off their masks"

w0lfqu33n89

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #125 on: December 22, 2019, 08:28:40 pm »
+9
Whats your puppeteer like? Does he take the words out of your mouth like a ventriloquist? Does he make a joke out of your expense? Does he play with you? And use you up till there's nothing? Does he make you cry to make him seem like the hero and like he has power? Does he pull on your strings until your shoulders bleed with the pain of loosing control...never having it in the first place.

Does your doll house have doors? or are you stuck inside? Do the lights work, or are you stuck in the dark too? Does your doll house have lots of rooms? Or are you only allowed In one? Maybe it's the kitchen?

My doll house is lonely, barricaded and in the middle of nowhere. I have access to every room, but only feel at home in one. My lights work, but I like them off. Im stuck inside and take every opportunity to get out. It's a cruel world, but it's a cruel house too. I have doors but my puppeteer gets mad when I open them.
He doesn't take the words out of my mouth he just manipulates and changes them. he makes jokes about me, like I'm not even there. he uses me up not until there is nothing, but until I am nothing, I don't matter, I don't have access to an opinion. He doesn't make me cry, I cry for him. I cry because of him. My shoulders are bleeding and there is a tightness in my chest, there is fog in my eyes and there is a slow heartbeat. Im nearly gone.

What's it like having power? Being able to breathe? Being free?

My ventriloquist is the world. My dollhouse is my world. The puppet, is me.


Bri MT

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #126 on: December 22, 2019, 08:58:58 pm »
+8
Hey Lexie,

Feeling powerless is awful and painful. Finding it difficult or impossible to express yourself can make this feel more suffocating but I promise you that - however densely things seem to close on you - you still have your core of being you, Lexie. A puppet being moved in strange ways doesn't change what the puppet is made of or devalue it. Getting through this is hard but it will pass, even if it doesn't feel like it will.

I hope you have support to help you through this. Either way you'll get out eventually but you deserve support to aid you along the way.


Absolute best of luck

w0lfqu33n89

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #127 on: December 28, 2019, 10:03:58 pm »
+1
a question I will always and forever ask myself;

"WHY DO I RUIN EVERYTHING I FUCKING TOUCH"

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #128 on: December 28, 2019, 11:17:24 pm »
+13
a question I will always and forever ask myself;

"WHY DO I RUIN EVERYTHING I FUCKING TOUCH"
The answer to that question:

You don't.

The world is full of ups and downs; and granted, there are consequences for everything. Sometimes it can seem as if everything you do is wrong, that even when you think you're doing something right it's not, that somehow the world is against you. It's not.

Please remind yourself that there are some things completely out of your control - that includes other people's actions. It can be difficult to not blame yourself for the things directly affecting you in the moment. But things will change for you. It may take some work, and you may need help along the way, but this feeling is not yours alone to bear. We all just have to keep reminding ourselves that with every mistake there's a lesson, and with every lesson there's improvement.

Dont be afraid to reach out for help. Don't forget that you are loved and cared for. Especially so if you are struggling to love and care for yourself.
I will take responsibility for what I have done. If I must fall, I will rise each time a better man.
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w0lfqu33n89

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #129 on: January 12, 2020, 05:52:34 pm »
+13
how do I even begin this one?
well Im a fucking mess. but what's changed really? I seem to post these when I am at my worst.
MM and I broke up. I am the one who ended it. I didn't want to and I certainly didn't have fun doing it. I was a mess and I still am as it was only a few days ago. 2 years. We were together for two years. 2 years of ups and downs, 2 years of some of the best memories of my life, but also 2 years of being continuously let down and 2 years of me always crying over things about him and the relationship that really bothered me and I never had the guts to discuss. and when I did it would end up in a fight. I want it to work, and I want to try again and its so hard not to go running back and saying "forget everything, just forget and let's start again." but what good will that do to me right now? I am getting into VCE, my mental health Is spiralling, I'm figuring things out with my psychologist and this relationship is where 2/3 of the shit in my head is coming from. Im a selfless person I always push my shit aside and put others first, that's my way of dealing with things, I push it aside and I pretend im fine when I know im not. Sometimes I've been so good at it that I forget its even there until I get anxious over something small or I go through a depressive stage and I just start crying and I don't stop for hours. because all the things I have hidden from myself and others come flooding out. Thats how I work. I never cry, I hardly cry but when I do its for a long time and I am a hot mess, and not the good kind. Ive been crying and crying for days every time I think about MM or I need someone or I fight with my parents and I need someone to turn to, I remember he's not there anymore, he can't be the person I go to. I've told a handful of people. and I feel like they don't care. only maybe one. My friends say they are there for me yet when I open up they say "I dont know what to say." "idk what to do." and then I feel vulnerable and like I have wasted my breath. my fucks are really down to zero now. so I shut myself out, I dont respond, because I dont want to be let down. whatever happened to new year new me huh? I started my year in NSW, I got my learners, I was with my cousin who is like a brother to me and within a week, im heartbroken and lost, depressed and filled with anger, anxious and jumping at every noise, crying at every cute couple photo I see on instagram and crying at the sad quotes on my facebook feed. everything is a trigger, my mind makes it one. that's how destructive I am of myself. I dont care about me. I never have. I hate myself. and I am so so ashamed of the girl I see. I feels lost in my own mind and its like its not even related to me. Its my enemy. A parasite that's eating me away. Thats how I feel. Noone can help me, but myself. but all I want to do is throw the trash out, and im the trash.

I fucked up even more. I called him, crying I said that I miss him when I need to remember he isn't the one to support me anymore.

and again. I started eating healthy and doing 2km on the treadmill every night. That lasted 4 days until I broke up with him. Now the only excuse I use to get out of bed is to eat and pee. and even then I wait till my bladder is screaming and my stomach is churning. I try watching Netflix but every cute scene with a couple, or even a reminder of something he once said makes me crumble.

Im a mess.

all I wanna do is stay in bed all year and wait it out till 2021.

anyways to end this with something that's not all about me, I hope everyone had a good xmas and new year and if anyone on here was affected by fires to please stay safe and I hope you are all ok. Get the vic emergency app. pls xx

- Lex  :'( :-\ :(
« Last Edit: January 12, 2020, 05:55:21 pm by w0lfqu33n89 »

Snow Leopard

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #130 on: January 12, 2020, 09:28:38 pm »
+1
within a week, im heartbroken and lost, depressed and filled with anger, anxious and jumping at every noise, crying at every cute couple photo I see on instagram and crying at the sad quotes on my facebook feed.
Hey,
I don't know how helpful this would be, but maybe try staying off social media for a bit to help you reduce the triggers or at least until you feel a bit better.
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AngelWings

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #131 on: January 12, 2020, 09:41:06 pm »
+13
Hey w0lfqu33n89/ Lex.

Although youíll be feeling pretty terrible at the moment, remember that with time, things heal little by little. Having relatively recently broken up with someone as well, I empathise that it sucks. I imagine that itíd be even tougher being the one who had to tell them the bad news. Iím not trying to downplay the situation, because it was and is significant to you, but while negative things happen and hurt so much, thereís also the good that comes from it. You will no longer have the same issues as you were having before. Things will slowly become better as you realise that you donít need to be with him to love again. You will be able to grow from this experience and learn that you are much stronger than you once thought.

While it is good to mourn the loss of something that you cared for so much, thereís also the other side - the figurative getting back up on your horse. You wonít be the same again, but you will also be stronger, smarter and braver one day. It may not be today but one day youíll get there. Just take it easy and take one step at a time. Perhaps the first step is to mute/ block their number so you arenít tempted to call him again. As always, please continue to seek mental health professionals as you have done when things get tough; you donít have to deal with this alone and shouldnít have to.

Hereís hoping the coming days get easier for you.
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w0lfqu33n89

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #132 on: January 21, 2020, 01:39:50 pm »
+7
Thanks AngelWings and Snowleopard xxxx

To say things are better would be a lie, but things have changed. I still get upset and have long lasting intervals of tears but they are not as often. Its more feeling sorry and sad for myself. Ive been staying up till 2,3,4am because I try to sleep and all I think about is him. I see his face, I think of all the good times and question myself why I was so stupid and ended it. But at the same time My mind is trying to push away and forget the bad things. I was talking to my psychologist the other day and she asked me to give her some examples. I could only think of one. She said I am a type of person who doesn't want to feel the pain so I push it far back into my mind and then something will happen like a big trigger or a big event and I will loose my shit and it will all come flowing out. I agreed, because ik I do that. But idk how to stop it. I removed his number, so he has to contact me for me to have it. I had to stop myself and cry for 15mins to stop me from writing it down. I haven't checked his social media, I've put his gifts and cards in a box in my cupboard where I can't see them, but it still hurts. I see the empty part of shelf were they all once stood and I still feel sad. The other day I got so upset that I started hugging this soft toy he gave me while I cried, then I got angry because it was always me, I had to ask for the help and support. I got angry because this toy wasn't doing anything. I picked it up and through it across my room and I started kicking things around. I miss him. I go to bed wanting to be held, I want an arm around me. Hugging a pillow isn't enough, im not getting the support im just giving it to an inanimate object. It makes me mad because ive never fallen asleep with me in his arms, but why do I want it now? Ive tried focusing on other things like my holiday homework and looking after this plant for my cousin and eating good foods. But I still get those moments alone where I just drift and think and I hurt. It hurts. Last night I stayed up till 3am doing biology, it gets my mind ticking. Then I got too tired so I went to bed and played my phone. Then I tried sleeping and that's when my mind woke up. Everywhere I saw his face, that cute smiley face, his tanned skin and his glasses. fuck. why. It's over. Stop it. I put on a sleep story and tried sleeping whilst listening to that, I relaxed my body and tried. Eventually after 3 sleep stories I was too tired to think and I went to bed.

I would say it was better then it was before, but its not. I feel really let down as one of our main issues was that he didn't understand my thoughts. I granted him access to my blog and told him my username. He said he would read it. He hasn't been active since last year. It hurts because I thought this was the key to understanding, and the first stage to getting better. But its impossible to do that without understanding. But I cant expect him to read this if he dent want to. I just want him to want to. I want someone to care. A small part of me always thought he didnt. I am anticipating a text message from him. But at the same time ik I shouldn't hear from him. It will just dig up so many slowly healing wounds.

ik him too well it will go along the lines of "hey lex! how have you been? My holidays was great we did this and this...." I don't want to know if he's happy. It pisses me off he is fine and I am struggling to get through a day without crying. Why do breakups suck? I told him it might not be the end of us, and that if things get better we could try again. But all I see and feel atm is it just getting worse and worse.

Sorry for the way I have been lately guys, I apologize for sounding so dramatic and lost, its just when my fingers click on these buttons my mind flows and I need to let it out. Thankyou for sticking here and supporting me for over a year now. xx
« Last Edit: January 21, 2020, 07:14:53 pm by w0lfqu33n89 »

Bri MT

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #133 on: January 21, 2020, 01:51:57 pm »
+5
Hey,

nothing to apologise for. It's ok to struggle, to have intense emotions & to feel lost. I'm proud of you for taking steps to help you work through them. I'm glad that you can use this is a space to get some of that stuff out receive support back.

I hope it gets easier soon

Evolio

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #134 on: January 21, 2020, 05:42:37 pm »
+3
Hello lex

Don't apologise. It's good to just let everything out and say whatever you want and just let it go.

It's great that things are getting better for you so keep fighting and things will gradually get even better. They will.

We'll always be here for you.


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