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November 13, 2019, 09:28:21 pm

Author Topic: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!  (Read 8425 times)

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w0lfqu33n89

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #105 on: May 22, 2019, 09:25:36 pm »
+4
Hey, I haven't commented on your journal, but have been following along for a while and thought I should say hi. Yeah I really struggled on SA:V ratio! I'm still not amazing at it but I found this video really helped me https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNkP4rycLbI. A B is still an awesome mark by the way! And even though SAC stores do count, it's the rank that can mean more to VCAA. So see how well your cohort did, it may have been a harder SAC. ;)

I know it can be a real struggle this time of year with a few exams, it'll be tough and stressful but you can make it. Just think of the school holidays around the corner  ;D. Good luck with exams and try not to stress to much, it will work out in the end but i feel you pain!!!! And maths... have fun the point of my stress

hey Geoo! Thankyou for following my journal and for taking the time to say hi.....HI!
I will definitely check out that link, thank you so much! Yeah. I guess the fact I am year 10 and this is a year 11 subject does put pressure on me but in all honesty, some of the year 11's just dont care and it makes me frustrated because I love biology and know heaps of my friends that missed out on getting in.

I guess but my school is one week exam revision (starting next week) then 2 weeks of exams, then 2 weeks of semester 2 orientation and THEN holidays! It sucks. Idk, I am just an anxious stress head!


Getting a lower result then expected does feel bad, but it's important not to just accept it. You should criticise your mistakes and really try to learn from them. Often I find my issue is with my expression, so I try to do examstyle practice.
What kinda things do you think you messed up? In Reguards to dealing with major stress, I might be able to give some advice. I used to deal pretty shockingly with stress, but throughout my VCE have worked on it and think I maintain a healthy level of stress. If I had to attribute it to 3 things, it would be to:

1. Find an effective routine. Routines really give you confidence in your learning and make finding motivation to study a bit easier too. My routine is to make notes (not spending too long on them), then move right onto exam style questions. While doing these I edit my notes for stuff I don't have and I will write questions I get wrong in a special book such to try and prevent further mistakes.
Whatever your routine may be, just make sure you're not wasting your precious time doing things which don't actually help you (don't read over notes instead of doing practice questions if you can help it)
Once you find a routine it just makes study seem less daunting and helps you get stuff done, thereby giving you confidence.

2. Try to expose yourself to content in advance. Even if you just read the next chapter of the textbook before the class moves onto it (not even having to make notes on it), you will find yourself much more confident when going through it in class and stressing less. I am not perfect at this, but try to do it whenever I can.

3. Do more than just study.
Have other activities outside of school that you can input your effort and time. You seem to be getting into this singing, so I hope you can keep working on it and continue to invest time in it. When study is your only focus, of course you're going to get overly stressed and lose motivation. Make sure you take breaks from it so that you can try to enjoy your study.

Anyways, sorry for the ramble and good luck on your experimental SAC!

Hey Erutepa! Thankyou for following my journal and taking the time to help me, I really appreciate it :)!

Honestly it was little things. Like one question was worth 9 points but had different parts and it was basically a diagram of the whole digestive system and I had to label it and explain its role or what it produces. and there was one near the head, and I guessed nasal cavity... stupid ik! Because that is the frikin IMMUNE system! I think another mistake was confusing my foregut and hindgut fermenters. But yeah.

1. (I will number my responses like you did to avoid confusion :).)
I will definitely try that! Normally I make notes and then mental notes of words and phrases the teacher has said, and highlight. If I am to go complete freak on you I only use green and yellow highlighters and highlight green for what seems like information I need to know such as the definition of something and the yellow for things I didnt really understand or get 100% and either ask my teacher when he says any questions? Or do some research.

2. I have literally thought about doing that so many times but then just lacked all motivation. I am battling the 'do well in school' vs. the 'I am an adolescent who won't do anything unless I have to' It sucks but I should. That is now a new goal for me! I will attempt do do that a few times this year. Thankyou!

3. Yeah I have been told breaks are good and when I get way overstressed or I go into breakdown mode and start crying because the juice I poured myself is no longer cold because I forgot about it ik for sure I need a break. But I am also the kind to not want to stop until it is done, and if I stop halfway through a subject I loose the motivation to continue. So I will try and do a part of one subject and finish then take a break and then continue with starting the next subject.

Thankyou so much for taking Time out of your day to respond. You guys dont know how much I love to communicate with people who I feel understand.

Lex out xx

w0lfqu33n89

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #106 on: May 29, 2019, 09:40:47 pm »
+6
Well hello there fellow ANers!
thought as I have some time up my sleeve I would poor my heart out into yet again another post.

to start off with my singing, I recorded a song with my cousin!!!!! Omg whatttt!?!?!? yes! this chick right hear had the confidence to sing infront of someone else! Honestly I still feel like compared to him I sounded like shit but hey! Baby steps, very small baby steps.

Exams are around the corner... :( following me around like my shadow. I am so stressed and have my math exam up first. Pretty sure I'm gonna fail but what can you do when your shit....am I right?

Tomorrow I have a French oral exam and I am so mad at myself as I left my book in my locker so I have to revise at recess only. SHIT!
Onya Lexie, you dumbass!

BB and MM are going well, BB has his 16th coming up soon and is letting me help to plan it! We are even having a sleepover on the night. He wants all three of us to sleepover but my parents are over protective (as usual...*inserted EYEROLL*) Like DAMNNNN His whole family is in the house that night. we aren't going to do anything wrong, nor do I want to ARGH!

Anyways my main focus for this entry is the colour Yellow. What? Huh? Yeah ik.

I just linked it to a lot of things going on lately.

As a kid I hated the colour yellow, idk why. I just always hated the colour. Then in high school I was put into Yellow House. Hated it.

The other night I was talking to my mum about chakras. (if you dont know what they are look them up they are interesting). My mum is currently seeing a counsellor and doing meditation. No need to go further but in one session she was taken inside herself to reflect and think and she was asked where on her body hurt. her response was her head, throat and stomach. In chakra, these places symbolise spirituality (head) communication (throat) and self love (stomach). And the colour for self love was yellow. She said these areas hurt because these are the places where she is hurt the most. But brushing them aside, I only want to focus on the self love thing and the colour yellow. Now I dont fully get chakras myself but I instantly felt a connection with my mum about the whole chakra and stomach pains.
She opened up to me and mentioned how she has always struggled with self love. which we had a bit of a cry over because so do i. We both have trouble loving ourselves and who we are as people and we want to fix everything about ourselves because we aren't good enough. My mum is a beautiful person and I love her to bits, we have our moments like all mums but I can never understand why she hates herself. she is the woman who has been there for me my whole entire life. She has been there every problem, every needed lecture, every time I have been hurt. I love her. I just wish she would love herself.

After talking that evening and I went to bed. I couldn't stop thinking about how I can connect with the colour yellow. Recently I have started to love yellow, before this talk with my mum and I guess I have linked it to a few things.

- Being younger and in primary school it is just so easy to not care about anything and anyone. But as soon as I was put in high school and put in yellow house, I started being insecure, hating myself, not loving anything I have or have to offer.

Dont get me wrong I have never loved myself and have always hated who I see in the mirror. but high school has taken it to the next level.

I guess its so hard to explain because no-one ever understands when I try and explain it. I have been told "just look in the mirror everyday and say you are beautiful and one day you will believe it" and I have had people get mad at me and frustrated. But I dont know how to change. I have dug this hole so deep that I couldn't even claw my way out.

If I listed everything I hated we would be here till Sunday.

I guess the colour yellow is perceived as happy and happiness. But I see it as a cover for the chakra self love. I have wanted to start buying more yellow clothes lately because I feel it goes with my brown hair and freckles. but maybe its really just my no self love shining through. Idk.

Anyways. Exams start in approximately 5 days and I am shitting myself. I feel like I am just going to fail them all because I will panic. Pray for me darlings. im gonna need it. xx
« Last Edit: May 29, 2019, 09:44:21 pm by w0lfqu33n89 »

PhoenixxFire

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #107 on: June 04, 2019, 08:21:01 pm »
+5
to start off with my singing, I recorded a song with my cousin!!!!! Omg whatttt!?!?!? yes! this chick right hear had the confidence to sing infront of someone else! Honestly I still feel like compared to him I sounded like shit but hey! Baby steps, very small baby steps.
That's so awesome! What song did you sing?

Exams are around the corner... :( following me around like my shadow. I am so stressed and have my math exam up first. Pretty sure I'm gonna fail but what can you do when your shit....am I right?

Tomorrow I have a French oral exam and I am so mad at myself as I left my book in my locker so I have to revise at recess only. SHIT!
Onya Lexie, you dumbass!
Just remember that you don't have too long left until the holidays, and that these exams don't determine how well you'll do in future exams, or future life more broadly. Was your oral okay?

As a kid I hated the colour yellow, idk why. I just always hated the colour. Then in high school I was put into Yellow House. Hated it.
This is exactly how I felt about yellow. Didn't think I could get a worse house colour than yellow...then I moved schools and got orange ::)

- Being younger and in primary school it is just so easy to not care about anything and anyone. But as soon as I was put in high school and put in yellow house, I started being insecure, hating myself, not loving anything I have or have to offer.

Dont get me wrong I have never loved myself and have always hated who I see in the mirror. but high school has taken it to the next level.

I guess its so hard to explain because no-one ever understands when I try and explain it. I have been told "just look in the mirror everyday and say you are beautiful and one day you will believe it" and I have had people get mad at me and frustrated. But I dont know how to change. I have dug this hole so deep that I couldn't even claw my way out.
For what it's worth, uni is significantly less bad than high school in this regard. I've found there's heaps more freedom to be yourself - and to figure out who that is - and that there are other people who have had similar experiences and do understand.

Anyways. Exams start in approximately 5 days and I am shitting myself. I feel like I am just going to fail them all because I will panic. Pray for me darlings. im gonna need it. xx
Good luck! Just take them one at a time and remember that even if they go badly they're still a useful experience and you can use them to help you improve for your next test.
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w0lfqu33n89

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #108 on: September 12, 2019, 06:36:37 pm »
+8
hey guys, sorry for being MIA for a while. Been a tough few months. Hopefully I will get back soon but just checking in to let you guys know that I am ok, and I haven't left ATAR. I will be back soon. love you all xx

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #109 on: September 12, 2019, 08:01:56 pm »
+4
hey guys, sorry for being MIA for a while. Been a tough few months. Hopefully I will get back soon but just checking in to let you guys know that I am ok, and I haven't left ATAR. I will be back soon. love you all xx

Heyyy! So glad you came back, and hope everything's okay ;D
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w0lfqu33n89

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #110 on: September 23, 2019, 04:34:29 pm »
+8
Hello fellow ANers!
how are ya, remember me? that chick that goes by the name Lexie and has nicknames for her best friends and poor her heart out to strangers online? Thats ME!

How have you all been?

Wow last proper update was May, I was about to battle exams for the first time ever, I was planning a friends party and I spoke about the colour yellow.
So my exams were good, only failed one (science) - not because the answers were wrong but because the booklet was huge and I only got about half done :(.

My friends party was amazing, it was so great and I had the best time. I didn't end up staying over because my dad was too overprotective with Bagel boy being a guy and all UGHHHHHH! Oh well.

As for the whole self love thing, lately I have been getting a little more comfortable in my body Emphasis on the little
I have had my eye out for a nice yellow dress for months but have been unsuccessful and are yet still to find one. But I did buy a really nice black jumpsuit dress from Kmart the other day for $20. a) bargain! b) I look somewhat "mainstream" and c) I feel good in it!
I have also discovered the shop "city chic" as I am a plus size gal! And for once in  my life I am not an XL! in this store I am a medium like WHATTTTTT! I am so happy. I was able to get a dress that was $70 (with a discount) but yeah. I feel a little insecure in it as it makes me look bigger then what I already am IMO but yeah. I am a little insecure about them both though because according to my mum I "look unflattering in both" FML. Maybe its just my insecurities that make me take judgement and tough advice so much to heart but ouch!

TMI boys, but you will read on anyways because tmi for us teens is more like (info you won't regret reading....EVER).
But I got fitted. I finally have a few bras that will actually fit me. I am so happy and actually feel good in a t-shirt now.

Anyways to the question that I want to avoid and the answer you all want to know, why did I disappear off the face of the earth for nearly 5 months. Ok that was dramatic and I sounded like James Charles coming back from the Tati drama, but heyyyyyyyyyy deal with it hahahaha. Omg I promise I am not like this in person, its normally my cover up when I am nervous is be cocky when really I am clumsy and say weird shit and just.....lexie shuttt upppp.

ok so anyways. My mental health took a bit of a turn, I am at this point now where basically I know I have anxiety and maybe a bit of depression but I am too scared to get 'tested' 'medication' 'help' and all that because I am a) socially awkward b) find nothing about opening up to a stranger in person  comforting in any way and c) I struggle to accept the fact I need help when I spend my life helping others.

It all started when I had a panic attack at work...infront of my boss, infront of customers. Where I work is a family business, they are an ethnic bunch from southeastern Europe. I get the whole European way of work is work hard and put in 100%, but sometimes for me its hard. My boss, he is very strict and a little disrespectful, I don't blame him at all for this a) this is his business and he is protecting it b) I am sure his bringing up and country is what makes him a little disrespectful because of the difference in communicating and all that. But yeah, I started crying and I couldn't breathe or talk and I couldn't get my words out and I was just struggling to do everything. This may of been exam stress as well at the time but I was freaking out. He let me sit down and have some water but he said that I shouldn't cry infront of the customers because it makes him and the business look bad and I agree, but I also couldnt control it.

For a few months after that it was just on my mind 24/7, I was so stressed and anxious all the time, I would tear up on the way to work each time and call my mum when I got there crying and saying that I couldn't do it, and she would talk me out of it. I would tip toe around my boss because I would just expect him to yell at me or say something rude. So for weeks I was working like crazy making sure everything was right and fine.

Anyways, I am still working their, but I am applying everywhere else to leave my job because its not paying too well and its quite dodgy.

I am supposed to be saving for my French trip but I only have about 2,000, and I need 5,500. With the job I am working now It is impossible to make it. My French teacher and I are going crazy trying to apply for scholarships or ask local businesses for it because we have tried everything else.

I also need to look for a car because my mum doesn't want me taking hers as she has no plan b if I destroy it (thanks for the faith mum).
I have my eyes set on a Toyota Yaris, but there are like none in Victoria and they are all over 3000. So fuck that!

But yeah. I also recently had a hard month, the anniversary of my grandparents dying went by, for my pop it was 2 years on the 18/8 and my nan the 10/9. I miss them both so much. I have my 16th coming up around the corner and I am pretty sure imma fail my L's. I haven't passed the test once and I try so hard. I will admit though I haven't read the handbook.....hehehehehe.

So time for me to come clean. MM and I are dating. we have been for nearly 2 years now, so since the start of this I have said he is a friend and he's not. We had a tough patch lately and I was super depressed and not ok. I would be more anxious then ever going into school, and I self harmed once. Did it make it better? no. Did it take away my problem? No. Was I stupid? YES! I was in a desperate and messed up mind and I just wanted some release or to detour my pain from my mind and heart to any thing physical. I regret it, but thought as I tell you guys nearly everything I might as well tell you this as well. MM and I are slowly working things out. Baby steps. We are working on being more verbal and communicating more and talking about the problems and things we don't want to talk about, and be on the right path. I missed him so much but I am waking up and taking the mature path, yes I've been dating him since I was 14, but the teen having fun and the whole daydream of having a boyfriend is gone, in this month I have realized that I am so so so so serious and so passionate about my relationship that I am fighting for it. If we were your typical high school relationship I know I wouldn't of bothered with this because its not worth the pain. But for him in this moment right now it is. I am not giving up and I will try everything 3 times before I come close to it.

So there's the motherfucking tea sis. haha.

Im ok now, when I say ok I dont mean I am spending all my nights crying and reading depressing quotes like I was, I am coping I am ok, life is still hard and I am not yet out of this hole of self destruction but I can see the top, and bitch am I on my way out of it! 

laura_

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #111 on: September 23, 2019, 07:56:13 pm »
+5
Thanks for being so honest w0lfqu33n89! It sounds like you went through a really, really tough time, but I am so glad you are feeling a little better.

Having a panic attack at work must have been really awful, especially if the people around you weren't very helpful.
ok so anyways. My mental health took a bit of a turn, I am at this point now where basically I know I have anxiety and maybe a bit of depression but I am too scared to get 'tested' 'medication' 'help' and all that because I am a) socially awkward b) find nothing about opening up to a stranger in person  comforting in any way and c) I struggle to accept the fact I need help when I spend my life helping others.
There is absolutely no shame in seeking help, and as weird as it may seem to talk to a stranger, it will be super helpful. Even if they don't give you medication, they can just give you strategies for when you are feeling certain ways. Often these can be just as effective as medication and can equip you to deal with life in general better. There are so many different things you can try when feeling anxious or having a panic attack, and if one thing doesn't work, you can always try another thing. For me, not everything works every single time, but generally one of my strategies helps.

I know how it feels when you are generally the "strong" and "helpful" one, but having a balance is a good thing too. You can have relationships where you give and take equally; this is where strong friendships are formed. And when you need to do a little more "taking" sometimes, that is okay too (as long as you still have healthy boundaries).

It sounds like you have taken some really great steps by understanding that you are struggling and looking for a new job, as well as being on your way out of the hole of self-destruction! I can't wait to hear all about your yellow dress! ;D

My PMs are always open babe! <3
the cage is shattered
the songbird sings
of her freedom once more

soars in blue
basks in the light
leaving nothing
but notes behind

she is never going
back in that cage

laura_

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #112 on: October 20, 2019, 09:53:13 pm »
+2
Heyo! How have you been? ;D
the cage is shattered
the songbird sings
of her freedom once more

soars in blue
basks in the light
leaving nothing
but notes behind

she is never going
back in that cage

w0lfqu33n89

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #113 on: October 22, 2019, 01:20:58 pm »
+11
g'day peeps.

time for another update. I will admit this is a forced one but hopefully it gets more deep and passionate as I go when I realize how much I love writing these for you guys.

My school work is piling up all before my eyes, and I know all you year 12's will be coming at me like "my exams are right around the corner stfu" but hey in my defence I don't know what year 12 is like. I only know year 10. Anyways I am falling behind in most of my classes. even biology (and y'all know how much I love biology). Science I have been skipping or moreso wagging with one of my friends from another class. We basically know the suburb very well know because we go for walks, get coffee and even though leaving school is bad and I am still confused how I haven't gotten caught yet, its somewhat calming. With strict parents and hardly anytime to catch up outside of school, its nice and refreshing to just go for a walk and come back before the next class.

imma give some lil subheadings here so if y'all dont care about certain subjects feel free to skip :).

Science
Atm we are meant to be doing Astronomy, I don't care about it one single bit. I am only doing this subject because its compulsory for my biology class (as I am excelling I have to do year 10 science as well). My teacher is ok as he knows I keep skipping and hasn't told my coordinators but at the same time, he's way of learning is just crap. Every time I put my hand up he either sees me and ignores me or he tells me to put it down or shut up. Or he will give the class an option of what to do in that days class and then we pick one and then he spends a few minutes explaining why we are wrong and we should do something else so I am like ok buddy well dont give us the option then.

English
In this class atm we are learning about language analysis and we are practicing using the persuasive speech we just wrote. Mine was about safe injecting rooms and that they should be banned. I am struggling with the 3rd person analysis part but my teacher is the absolute bomb so I should be good.

Biology
I have my Sac this Friday. I am a little stressed and have some revision yet to do its all about genetics and pedigrees and punnet squares dominance and all that jazz. I struggle a little bit with it and I am a little slower but with a few days to revise I should be ok.

Math
In math we are 3 weeks ahead so basically we can study for exams longer which for me is great but I wish it was a different subject as I am actually ok at math this year, earlier in this blog I mentioned how my teacher from year 9 gave me so much anxiety as I struggled with my math but this year I have done alright, I even got a 100% on one of my tests.

French
So this whole year I have been blugging French and I thought it was because of my teacher but I really noticed that I find French so simple, when it comes to the grammar and writing it out and verbs and all that I actually get bored and just don't put the effort in.
With my French Trip next year I now have around 2500. My nan wants to pay and I dont want her to but I also really want to go. She said she has a bank account for me that she has been putting money in for me since I was little and that It will come from that, which made me feel better.

History
History is compulsory in year 10 for me and I hate it with an absolute passion. I was passing with flying colours until last holidays when I gave up. I dont know if it was because of the whole mental health debacle or not.

so there's my school update.

My 16th party was great I had so much fun and my friend did my makeup and I felt so beautiful....hold up...did I just say that? YES YES I DID! for once in my life I looked in the mirror and loved the girl staring back at me. My hair was nicely braided and my jumpsuit looked really nice. I had a few people over and I was able to be my crazy self for one night. But like all good things they are temporary.

I failed my Learners! Dont you just love mental breakdowns in the VicRoads carpark because the highlight of your year was going to be that you get your license and you failed! Yeah. I got 69% and I studied my butt off towards the end. I was getting 100% in every practice test but still no pass.
I hope to rebook it soon but yeah.

MM and I are still not the best. We are taking it super slow but I dont feel his complete support. Like I have spoken to a few adults about it and they say I am putting in all of the work and taking the initiative and he needs to step up. I want to believe them because deep down I know its right but oh right I'm in love with the guy. Its a battle between my head and heart and atm my heart is winning and I fear it is soon going to break.
We dont really have deep conversations anymore and our conversation has died out 5 times in the last 2 days and I am always the one to take initiative even in the conversation. I feel like he just doesn't want to talk anymore or do anything. But oh well this is my battle not yours.

Thanks y'all and shoutout to Laura_ for checking up on me, your comment recently helped me get the motivation to write this xx

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #114 on: October 23, 2019, 08:47:36 pm »
+6
We had a question on crossing parents heterozygous for two traits in my mathematical statistics tutorial this week (tutorials are kinda like the classes you're used to in highschool) and it gave me so much energy ahaha. Kinda irrelevant to your journal but punnet squares made me think of it.

Congrats on the 100% in maths but more than that congrats for keeping on trying even though things are hard.

About people going through year 12 exams atm, please don't think that being in year 10 invalidates your exam stress. Personally, year 9 was a lot rougher for me than year 12 because by the time I was in year 12 my wellbeing and mental space was much better even though the content's harder in year 12. One metaphor for this is: whether you're drowning in 2 metres of water or 20 the physiological experience of drowning isn't really going to change so why compare the depth of your water to someone else's?


I hope things ease up for you soon
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w0lfqu33n89

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #115 on: October 26, 2019, 05:21:34 pm »
+6
We had a question on crossing parents heterozygous for two traits in my mathematical statistics tutorial this week (tutorials are kinda like the classes you're used to in highschool) and it gave me so much energy ahaha. Kinda irrelevant to your journal but punnet squares made me think of it.

Congrats on the 100% in maths but more than that congrats for keeping on trying even though things are hard.

About people going through year 12 exams atm, please don't think that being in year 10 invalidates your exam stress. Personally, year 9 was a lot rougher for me than year 12 because by the time I was in year 12 my wellbeing and mental space was much better even though the content's harder in year 12. One metaphor for this is: whether you're drowning in 2 metres of water or 20 the physiological experience of drowning isn't really going to change so why compare the depth of your water to someone else's?


I hope things ease up for you soon

Thanks Bri! In the end I was glad I didn't do much study as I found the SAC easy! just a little too long there was about 2 questions I was unable to complete in the time I was given

That last paragraph made my day and I love that metaphor. Thankyou so much!

Anyways, todays topic is self love, weightloss, healthy eating,
I have started eating healthier. My breakfasts include things like yogurt and fruit, muesli, smoothies and I have stopped having my morning coffee. Lunch is generally salad or pasta from the night before or chicken and salad rolls (homemade  :P) and dinner is the usual, chicken and veggies, salad and steak, pasta, just the normal. I have also started jogging and walking around my 3km block. I live in more of a country area so its hilly and uneven so I try to jog along the straight parts and walk the uneven parts.

I originally started this as I have my Deb next year and I really wanted to do it!.....8 rejections later and I was really down. I was depressed and doubting myself and my looks/weight more then ever (and if you know me well its shocking how down and bad I am to myself.) Its not that I necessarily ate bad, I have cut down on the sugary things I eat but I was just hardly eating at all, and I was slowly going down a path of slowly stopping to eat completely. I would never usually have any meal in the day except dinner. I would have a coffee in the morning to wake me up, drink next to no water and only eat half of my dinner and sneak out to throw the rest out. After watching documentaries and reading health blogs, it was slowly changing my perspective. I soon kept telling myself that this isn't the right route to take if I wanted to be 'acceptable' in society with my size. I have had a few instances in my life when I was straight up called big, unattractive, fat and ugly. But where most of the pain for me came from was walking into a nice store, finding something you like and never finding your size. People would always tell me I am fine and I am beautiful. But my body, feelings and stretchmarks always told me otherwise. I have struggled with my image since grade one. when I guy in my class looked at me one day and asked me "why are you so fat" I remember I started crying and since that day I have been asking myself that same question. My whole family is overweight and every family get together would be lots of food, not necessarily all bad but just heaps of food. I would watch them all eat and then hardly eat myself. I would make it look like I had eaten more then I have. I made a vow to myself when I was younger that I would be the first one to not get older and be diabetic, or obese. I have never had the same lifestyle as them but I never wanted to start. it sounds horrible and hypocritical of me in a way but I hated the confrontation I faced going to family Christmas's or easters. Just looking around and looking at myself praying I would never ever be the same. I dont want to have back issues because I'm so fat, I dont want to die too soon because my kidneys failed and the dialysis wasn't working and I dont want to get a disease where I deteriorate and loose my memory from smoking and bad diets. I REFUSE TO BE LIKE THEM.

For once I have control. I am the one who gets to choose what I eat, I am the one who finds motivation to go for walks and jogs around my block. This is my choice. Somedays its hard. and I dont want to go for a walk. I would rather curl up in bed and watch depressing shows or listen to sad songs. and talk to people and pretend I am ok. Somedays I cant wait to go for a walk. And other days I feel ill, I doubt myself, I look at myself in the mirror and think you will never change, I fear that I will make no progress because maybe its genetic. I fear that I will loose the weight and still hate myself. My goal isn't to be a model, or wear skin tight dresses. It used to be. But now I just want to see a photo of me and say "I remember that day it was awesome" instead of "why am I so fat?" I want to look in the mirror and think "your hair is so nice today" instead of "not those fucking stretch marks again" I want to feel like I am in the same category as my friends. I dont want to feel 100 miles away from happiness. And this is my start.
« Last Edit: October 26, 2019, 05:24:15 pm by w0lfqu33n89 »

Bri MT

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #116 on: October 26, 2019, 06:18:18 pm »
+2


No worries! I'm glad you found it useful :)


It's good to hear that you're focusing on your health & I hope that you start to feel more confident and comfortable in yourself soon :).
I'm far from a health professional but one thing to be cautious of is that coming from a background of family members being overweight increases the chances of developing an eating disorder. If you find that you struggle to achieve your goals I would definitely recommend you see a doctor about this; I'd hate to see you follow a fad diet or social media advice and end up in a worse place
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Geoo

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #117 on: October 26, 2019, 07:42:53 pm »
+1
It's awesome to hear that you are trying for better health! It really is super important, I can relate so much to what you said about body image, it really can get to you sometimes.
My biggest health thing I am trying to improve is reducing my sugar, I tend to eat alot of chocolate. Do you have that one vice that is hard to resist?
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