Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

July 17, 2019, 04:22:36 pm

Author Topic: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!  (Read 6173 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

w0lfqu33n89

  • Trendsetter
  • **
  • Posts: 119
  • I overthink everything...wait, do I? Yeah I do
  • Respect: +44
Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #15 on: January 25, 2019, 07:33:37 pm »
+2
Hey Lexie, it's really great to have you here! :) Have enjoyed your posts so far. How are you finding the heat today? Haha.

I'm from Victoria, too! I enjoy sport, design and reading. What type of books do you like best? I also love playing with my puppy! His name is Neville. 🐶

How are you feeling about school going back?

In terms of To Kill A Mockingbird, there's no harm in giving it a bit of a read! I wouldn't stress too much about it either way, but I'd encourage you to give it a shot - I actually think it's a pretty enjoyable book! Haha.

Looking forward to your next post. :)

Hey Joseph! aw thanks! the heat? meh, it was quite hot but I was spending most of it infront of my aircon doing holiday homework, because you know everyone leaves it to last minute!  ;)

ayyyy! love a good bookworm like me! honestly anything, but I am a sucker for romance and suspense, and books where there is challenge and suspense. How bout you?

neville, such a cute name!

I am actually quite excited for school to go back if I am honest, miss the routine and my friends, but not looking forward to the early mornings and late nights doing homework  :(

Ok, thanks for the advice, might give it a good crack before the school year!

Thankyou for your comment! x

I remember studying this a long time ago (like Year 8 ). My recommendation for TKAM is to start at Chapter 7, read to end and come back and read from the start to Chapter 7. This method actually gives you everything in sequence. (And yes, it's probably worth a short read through to understand the setting of the book.)

AngelWings! we meet again my friend! wow, I am doing it in year 10, that makes me feel much better  ;D. Thankyou so much. I will definitely try that method. xx

Hi Lexie! Just read through your journal so far and I'm looking forward to your future posts! :)

my responses
I'm also from Vic and I'm in Year 10. I like science, animals, and surrounding myself with good people. I think the things you've listed are pretty lit too. 8)
Like you, I'd like to travel the world and maybe go interrailing around Europe. :)
Overall, I think what you wrote really sums up what I want to achieve:   

Any specific places in Europe you'd like to see?

Good luck for the job applications and I hope school treats you well!  :)



P.S. TKAM is a great book. I think you'll enjoy it!


omg, have I found myself a lost lost twin!!?? Defidently France, Italy, UK, Netherlands and Sweden. (there is many more but imma keep it short!).
I am finally glad to meet someone like me on AN.

Thankyou, out of all 15 places and 1 week on, I have had 1 response, and it was a rejection  :-\, oh well, shit happens.  :)

Thankyou so much for your sweet reply, I also hope school starts well for you, and if you ever wanna talk Europe, I'm ya gal! ;D
x

Hey Lexie!
Nice to meet you!
About me
I also am one of the special people who consider Victoria their home (though at present in India ::) )
I am extremely interested in life, though I'm not sure I'd miss it if I didn't have it. :P My serious interests are in nature, practical philosophy and the true sciences (Physics and Chemistry). I also make a habit of studying the people around me, which is quite a good hobby, in my opinion. I also spend copious amounts of time drawing, as well as following my other major hobby, which I share with you: sleeping.
I find myself happiest at times when I'm around my close friends and family, as well as when wandering in nature, particularly in places like the Grampians. I must agree with you also about being around puppies, I think you'd have to be the grouchiest person to not feel happy around them.
In life I just want to be happy with people who I get on well with, and I would love to visit a) the UK b) Yellowstone and c) the Alps.

I really look forward to reading about your journey, good luck for this year, and as you head on in life :D


Hey YT! damn you sound very smart! studying people! now that is something we share, I enjoy watching people enjoy themselves or just in general and wonder where they are going, what they are thinking and all weird creepy things like that! (not a stalker I swear! :P)

haha you can never go wrong with sleep!
and puppies!!!!! Heres a question... if you don't like puppies are you even human?
Uk, definitely! and I have read heaps of books about the Alps and my friend travelled there last year, very beautiful place.

Thankyou for reading my journal! good luck to you to! x

Mod Edit: Merged four posts. Please refrain from chainposting :)
« Last Edit: January 25, 2019, 09:03:33 pm by beatroot »

w0lfqu33n89

  • Trendsetter
  • **
  • Posts: 119
  • I overthink everything...wait, do I? Yeah I do
  • Respect: +44
Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #16 on: January 26, 2019, 12:12:02 am »
+5
Time for an update! (well I think it is because there is only so many rounds of pool you can play on a laptop before you start to get bored).
How are people feeling about school starting back? Did my annual office works shop the other day (frikin best ritual ever!). The one think you get to customise yourself and express yourself with in school is your stationary. literally. At school I feel your stationary is what makes you you. its what separates you from everyone else. yeah that's cheesy, but when you think about it, everyone has to wear the same uniform, therefore looking the same. your school bags are separated into 2 categories, 1. the actual schoolbag, because you want to avoid back problems and like all the secret compartments to stash your maccas money  :P or 2. your branded, tiny, bags that can't hold a folder but makes you 'fit in'. your stationary is the only thing you have proper control over! so a meter long receipt later, I get to customise my pencil case, making it all nice and new, even though you know in 3 months it will be Mary Poppins handbag and you can't find your favourite pen, and you have pencil sharpens all down the bottom, and your rubber is now black, oh, and domino forget the massive ink dot you have because your sharpie decided to have gastro!

but anyways, its still fun.
making up folders and counting them all and thinking "how the fuck will I get all that to school on the first day."

anyways, lets actually get to the point where we find out that this post actually does have a purpose!

holidays!!!!!!

how was everyones holidays? For all those victorians, how did you manage the heat today!?
My holidays started great, had my annual, xmas party where people talk so loud, and we eat our feelings + more. we put on those 2 xmas kilograms!  >:(.
then xmas day, I had a quiet one, just a few of us, then I went away for 2 weeks to NSW. Went to the beach, came back. cleaned out my room, and I don't mean a 30 minute clean till it looks Pinterest worthy, I mean realise you have 3 garbage bags full of shit you don't need! Im not actually sure I am happy because I will make some kids day with all my old clothes and toys or ashamed because I had so much shit!  :P.
caught up with some of my mates. And now, I am at the staying up till 3, sleeping till 12, starting last minute homework, getting bored and doing random shit you have never been seen doing before.

todays good news! we think the alpaca next door is starting to give birth, we have been watching it all afternoon and doing research. according to DR. Google our patient is in early stages of 'alpaca' labour. I am unsure wether to stay up all night making sure she is ok or to go to sleep and hope all goes well. its better to leave it naturally, but I am a little scared something may go wrong. the last baby this alpaca had got taken by a fox. ( >:() so I really hope this one makes it. hopefully the heatwave we suffered today hasn't affected the birth.

anyways here is my word vomit for the day!

Lexie outttttt

w0lfqu33n89

  • Trendsetter
  • **
  • Posts: 119
  • I overthink everything...wait, do I? Yeah I do
  • Respect: +44
Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #17 on: January 28, 2019, 10:05:05 pm »
+3
This one is pretty deep, just a warning. No, its not a cry for attention, its more a this is a safe place, no-one knows me and I can be myself because honestly this is the only place I do.

yeah, you may hate me because I am a newbie here and omg she is already opening up and thinking she belongs here. and I hate to make anyone feel that way. I guess for a long time I have wanted somewhere to belong.

this is a bit of my story I guess.


Have you ever felt alone? Or almost alone?

Ever since I started high school I have never felt like I fit in anywhere. I suddenly care what everyone thinks of me. I care about how I look, how I sound, its even to the point I change my words around people. Wether its just social anxiety or something I wouldnt have a clue.
Everyday I feel is the same routine over and over again. I like routine, but I like a fun routine.

My high school life is basically moving from class to class, putting on a smile and talking to people you really don't like, going to a locker where you get pushed and shoved and get sick of it and wait for all the dicks to get there stuff and go so you get there a little late, recess, same place same friends.
idk. My friends are great, but I can't seem to open up and tell them. I hang around guys more, they are so much more chill and there is no drama and sensitivity (no offence to you girls) and don't get me wrong, I have some pretty amazing girlfriends. my friendship group mostly consists of a total of 6 people. lets number them.
1. This friend has autism and really bad anxiety, I love them to bits, I am always there for them and help them with there problems and stress, people tease us and call me his mum because apparently I wrap him up in cotton wool. but he is a fragile person, that's ok. but it seems whenever I need him he cant handle the pressure and stress, which is ok, I understand, but sometimes I wish I could just open my heart or rant, but ik I cant.
2. pretty sure there a sociopath, the kind of person who won't respond to your messages until a week later, leaves a read receipt on day 3 and responds day 7. in school hours, is socially awkward and more insecure then all teen girls combined. is a great help when you need, but only on the rarest of occasions he is there. also quite selfish and always plays the victim card
3. Is seriously messed up, Im talking mental hospital for 2 weeks, drugs, dodgy boyfriends, dodgy mum, is always just not quite right, goes through a lot of shit and pretends its ok. I have so much sympathy for her, if I am honest I pity her a bit. we have been through some rough patches and I wouldnt trust her with anything, but I am always here for her. because ik her life is shitty and she cant do it on her own.
4. This one is Interesting, I have always been friendly with this one, we got closer on a school trip when we both had shit going on and needed some support. then she got clingy, and then she was telling me about every little problem that happens and things I am superwoman and can fix everything. she has been struggling with her sexuality for awhile and cops a lot of shit from kids at school, I love her but sometimes she is just too much.
5. 70% sure she has depression. she moved to my school and we instantly became best friends. she has my back I have hers. she tells me everything, to a certain point. its like she wants me to know but doesn't quite trust me, she has told me a lot about her past and is bisexual. her parents are mad religious and her dad always makes up jokes about gay people and how he hates them. she is so hurt and I feel so bad for her.
6. Number 6 I don't even know If I can call a friend. talking to them never feels right. like we are Venus and mars. I don't understand them. they go in cycles, and they never learn from their mistakes. there mind is a broken record. they freak all the time, they worry way to much, and so many times I have wanted to walk away from it. so many times. but they struggle In life.

Am I judging these amazing people, no. but I always feel that I put my all in them, into helping and supporting them and being there for them. but they are never really here for me. its like I have to fight my battles alone, but I don't have a weapon. like I am their friend but I feel like I am in a whole different room to them, but I am watching, and hearing what they say but I am ignored. I just feel so alone sometimes. I have all these people around me but still. like I am doing everything on my own.

I have been telling people all summer that I cant wait to get back to school. truth is. I don't want to go back there again. I don't get bullied, I do have friends I just feel lonely at school, and at home. idk who I am, or who I want to be. I know what I want to become with my life, but seriously doubt I am capable. I want to be successful and happy and travel, but I don't have the tools for it.

maybe its just a hormonal thing, but for so long all I have wanted is my independence, I dream for the day I look in the mirror and think "damn girl looking chic" but I look in the mirror and go "omg no, what are you". I dream of the day I am not judged, and I can not give a shit what people think. but I do.

my primary school days were my freedom. I had a group of friends, we were so close, so so close. we would sit on the school deck not caring about what food we had, not caring about how we look, how we do our hair, how fit we are, how many pimples we have.

in high school? you worry about everything. your hair, what food you eat, the way you dress, the money you have, the way people see you, everything. since high school I have become the most insecure, stressed, sad person I know. and nothing has happened to make it happen. it just did.

even my grades. I am no A grade student. I struggle in nearly everything, math I practically fail, English I average a C, science the only thing I understand is biology.

I feel like I used to know who I was and now I don't even understand myself anymore. like I am watching myself live through a camera lens.

idk, more word vomit I guess. no I am not hoping to spark attention from this and I don't want people feeling sorry for me.

like I mentioned at the start, I am just writing what I feel, what comes to my mind. ik I haven't even here a while, but I am spending heaps of time here and I am so happy to be apart of this little community. I have already gotten personal messages about things I have mentioned to help, and the people here are so nice, I might even make some friends here. some proper ones. I am loving this place and I feel safe to write, because noone knows me, and I don't know anyone on here.

anyways. thanks for reading this I guess.

I have a habit of writing some weird random stuff.

thank you for everyones support so far, you guys are honestly amazing
-Lexie xx :)
« Last Edit: January 28, 2019, 10:06:47 pm by w0lfqu33n89 »

PhoenixxFire

  • VIC MVP - 2018
  • Moderator
  • ATAR Notes Superstar
  • *****
  • Posts: 2588
  • Bad puns are how eye roll
  • Respect: +1888
Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #18 on: January 28, 2019, 11:28:26 pm »
+8
yeah, you may hate me because I am a newbie here and omg she is already opening up and thinking she belongs here. and I hate to make anyone feel that way. I guess for a long time I have wanted somewhere to belong.
There's nothing you could say here that would make us hate you. You do belong here - don't doubt that.

What you've written here sounds incredibly similar to how I felt in year 10 and 11. It got to the point where at the end of year 11 I started distancing myself from a lot of my friends because it was just too stressful to be around them - not that I'm saying that's what you should do, it's just what I did.

I guess something you should try and remember is that you're not responsible for anyone else. That might sound kind of harsh, and it's totally fine to want to help other people, but if it's getting to the point where that's hurting you then sometimes you just need to take a step back.

From what you've said it sounds like you're trying to figure out who you are. Back when I was in year 10 I tried to do that by being alone a lot, I used to go riding my bike around the city, or just go exploring areas I hadn't been to - much to my mum's annoyance haha -  and it helped at the time, being away from people who knew me. By being around strangers I could really try and figure out who I wanted to be without being confined by how people expected me to act.

Obviously that's really hard to do in high school. I thought I'd figured out how to be me in year 12 - but really I hadn't, even just being out of school for a few months has helped.

in high school? you worry about everything. your hair, what food you eat, the way you dress, the money you have, the way people see you, everything. since high school I have become the most insecure, stressed, sad person I know. and nothing has happened to make it happen. it just did.
Despite how much it seems like everyone is judging you, really the majority of people are too busy worrying about themselves. Something I said in year 11 - originally out of anger, but I still stand by it - was something along the lines of 'you're going to find something to hate about me anyway, I'm only going to change me if I'm annoying myself.' That's easier said than done, but really, no matter what you do there's going to be someone who'll hate your hair, or your clothes, or your makeup, or the way you walk, and there's no point trying to please everyone - you won't succeed.

I'd encourage you to spend some time thinking about who you want to be - not what other people want you to be, or how you want others to perceive you - but what makes you comfortable and what makes you feel like yourself (if that makes any sense). Don't expect to figure it out straight away - it takes ages, but if you give it a bit of time and try a lot of different things eventually you'll start to figure out what makes you feel good - whether that's what clothes you like, or how you act, or any other variable.

It can certainly help to write down how you're feeling - both to force yourself to think about it, and to get a perspective from others on it and it's really great that you feel safe enough here to do that - and I hope you know that you're welcome to write down how you're feeling at any time, there'll be no judgement from us.

You might also find it helpful to talk to a teacher or your school's welfare department - I know you've said you appreciate the anonymity on here, if that's also the case with talking to adults then Kids Helpline have a phone number (1800 55 1800) which you can call anytime - they can be pretty helpful ^-^
2019: B Environment and Sustainability/B Science @ ANU

mango8

  • Trendsetter
  • **
  • Posts: 122
  • Respect: +53
Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #19 on: January 29, 2019, 01:08:16 am »
+3

this is a bit of my story I guess.

hey there.

Firstly, no one hates you here, from what Iíve read from all your earlier journal posts, you are a bright and beautiful soul. We all want to belong somewhere, and for some of us, it takes a long while until we finally feel at peace with who we are and who we are surrounding ourselves with. You will always have a place here, everyone who comes here does. You matter, donít ever doubt that.

High school is often filled with many fake, toxic people who bring you down and there very few people who are genuine. From my experience (this is a small proportion of people compared to the real world), girls, can really be too much, judgemental, slanderous and addicted to gossip and posting millions of pictures for attention, to get validation they so desperately seek, because deep down, theyíre insecure. Guys, on the other hand, are a thousand times better and so much easier to talk to and you actually can enjoy spending time with them. And high school at the end of the day, is such a tiny part of your life, that will be so insignificant in a few years. You will find your place, and your people. We all change so much throughout life and only really find ourselves much later, our true selves emerge when we find our people and are comfortable being our true selves.

I understand what you mean completely. I just wrote all about that, I know what itís like to give your all and always be there for people, only to get the bare minimum or nothing in return. To keep trying and trying but waiting for someone to fight for me and love me the way I do them. People donít get that you can be surrounded by crowds of people, many whom you may consider friends and still always be on the precipice, like youíre watching everything through glass and you arenít being seen. And you have to remember, you canít solve everyoneís problems because youíll just burn out. You can only do the best you can but you canít be expected to give your everything all the time, it drains you, so for those people who really matter, let them know you care but that you canít always be there to carry all their emotional baggage because then youíll have nothing left. You need to look after you first.

You are capable and you can do anything. You have a fire inside of you and you will make amazing things happen. There will come a day when what people think doesnít matter and you just wonít care anymore. Anyone who acts like nothing bothers them and they have such impenetrably thick skin and nothing can get to them is just lying to themselves, itís just a shield to protect them from getting hurt, they put on the tough act, but really they hurt more than those who are Ďthin-skinnedí.

One day you will look in the mirror and smile and love yourself and just be who you are when you figure out who that is. All this high school stuff, itís all temporary. All those toxic people who we spend so much attention on, they wonít get anywhere in life, they wonít mean anything, because you donít get anywhere by poisoning others around you, itís people like you Lexie, who will be remembered in life. A time will come in a few years when youíll find people who see your light and value and appreciate and adore and love you and wonít be able to imagine their world without you.

In the meantime, you will find people here who understand and care about you. Writing is extremely beneficial to let all the thoughts and feelings bogged down in our mind out and it means we can also try to offer our views and help out. Do all the things that bring you joy everyday and spend lots of time with dogs, who never judge you or care about who you are or how you speak or dress or look, all they want is you and your heart and thatís why dogs are the best thing to exist in this world because dogs are so pure and beautiful and perfect and will always love you. 

Hold on until then sweetie, this isnít forever, we are rooting for you.





YangChiFan

  • Fresh Poster
  • *
  • Posts: 3
  • Respect: 0
Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #20 on: January 29, 2019, 01:45:56 am »
+3
It's totally fine to be feeling what you're experiencing now.

As mentioned before from the other posts, high school is really filled with toxic and fake people.
As a fun anecdote, I remember in year 8, there were a group of girls that kept on bullying me. I never did anything but take their shit for the whole year. Anyways, fast forward a bit and I finally asked why they were doing the shit they did to me, and their reply was something really bullshit (can't remember too much) All my male 'friends' didn't really do anything even though they saw me always getting hurt, so I just disassociated myself with them. Follow up, the girls did kinda make amends with me (I even dated one of them, which later on sparked an unpleasant rumour throughout my whole entire cohort, but that's for another story).

I definitely experienced what you were feeling back in high school. I was self-conscious about myself and I always thought people were talking about me behind my back. You just need time to know who you really are with the help of elders or any other means. It gets better soon, I promise.
All the best.

w0lfqu33n89

  • Trendsetter
  • **
  • Posts: 119
  • I overthink everything...wait, do I? Yeah I do
  • Respect: +44
Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #21 on: January 29, 2019, 02:27:08 pm »
+1
hey there.

Firstly, no one hates you here, from what Iíve read from all your earlier journal posts, you are a bright and beautiful soul. We all want to belong somewhere, and for some of us, it takes a long while until we finally feel at peace with who we are and who we are surrounding ourselves with. You will always have a place here, everyone who comes here does. You matter, donít ever doubt that.

High school is often filled with many fake, toxic people who bring you down and there very few people who are genuine. From my experience (this is a small proportion of people compared to the real world), girls, can really be too much, judgemental, slanderous and addicted to gossip and posting millions of pictures for attention, to get validation they so desperately seek, because deep down, theyíre insecure. Guys, on the other hand, are a thousand times better and so much easier to talk to and you actually can enjoy spending time with them. And high school at the end of the day, is such a tiny part of your life, that will be so insignificant in a few years. You will find your place, and your people. We all change so much throughout life and only really find ourselves much later, our true selves emerge when we find our people and are comfortable being our true selves.

I understand what you mean completely. I just wrote all about that, I know what itís like to give your all and always be there for people, only to get the bare minimum or nothing in return. To keep trying and trying but waiting for someone to fight for me and love me the way I do them. People donít get that you can be surrounded by crowds of people, many whom you may consider friends and still always be on the precipice, like youíre watching everything through glass and you arenít being seen. And you have to remember, you canít solve everyoneís problems because youíll just burn out. You can only do the best you can but you canít be expected to give your everything all the time, it drains you, so for those people who really matter, let them know you care but that you canít always be there to carry all their emotional baggage because then youíll have nothing left. You need to look after you first.

You are capable and you can do anything. You have a fire inside of you and you will make amazing things happen. There will come a day when what people think doesnít matter and you just wonít care anymore. Anyone who acts like nothing bothers them and they have such impenetrably thick skin and nothing can get to them is just lying to themselves, itís just a shield to protect them from getting hurt, they put on the tough act, but really they hurt more than those who are Ďthin-skinnedí.

One day you will look in the mirror and smile and love yourself and just be who you are when you figure out who that is. All this high school stuff, itís all temporary. All those toxic people who we spend so much attention on, they wonít get anywhere in life, they wonít mean anything, because you donít get anywhere by poisoning others around you, itís people like you Lexie, who will be remembered in life. A time will come in a few years when youíll find people who see your light and value and appreciate and adore and love you and wonít be able to imagine their world without you.

In the meantime, you will find people here who understand and care about you. Writing is extremely beneficial to let all the thoughts and feelings bogged down in our mind out and it means we can also try to offer our views and help out. Do all the things that bring you joy everyday and spend lots of time with dogs, who never judge you or care about who you are or how you speak or dress or look, all they want is you and your heart and thatís why dogs are the best thing to exist in this world because dogs are so pure and beautiful and perfect and will always love you. 

Hold on until then sweetie, this isnít forever, we are rooting for you.

Thankyou Mango8! Your kind words really made me see a different perspective, I guess sometimes we are all like a baby bird struggling to stay on the branch and need a bit of guidance sometimes. after reading that, I am out of the 'this is high school make it count' mind and in the 'after this I can be 100% me' mind. Thankyou so much. especially using some of your time to write such a sweet message like that. Love your name btw! I love mangoes!! hopefully I will see you around here xx

It's totally fine to be feeling what you're experiencing now.

As mentioned before from the other posts, high school is really filled with toxic and fake people.
As a fun anecdote, I remember in year 8, there were a group of girls that kept on bullying me. I never did anything but take their shit for the whole year. Anyways, fast forward a bit and I finally asked why they were doing the shit they did to me, and their reply was something really bullshit (can't remember too much) All my male 'friends' didn't really do anything even though they saw me always getting hurt, so I just disassociated myself with them. Follow up, the girls did kinda make amends with me (I even dated one of them, which later on sparked an unpleasant rumour throughout my whole entire cohort, but that's for another story).

I definitely experienced what you were feeling back in high school. I was self-conscious about myself and I always thought people were talking about me behind my back. You just need time to know who you really are with the help of elders or any other means. It gets better soon, I promise.
All the best.

Thanks for replying YanChiFan!

I myself have been through a similar experience, well not similar as in what happened but more the forgive people and then get hurt by them again. and guess what, it was a girl! I guess some people never change. I am so sorry you had to go through that alone, it sucks none of your 'friends' helped out and just watched from the sidelines.
I am also one to know about rumours, I had one spread about me in year 9. seemingly as a rumour goes around it changes a lot. it got to the point even year 7's knew. I struggled for a long time because it wasn't something I would ever do or even did, but my real friends stuck beside me and believed my story because they knew who I was and didn't fall for anyone else's bs.

Yes! I always feel like people are watching my every move just waiting to use something against me, and people talking behind my back.

Thankyou for the hope! and again, for taking the time to read and reply to this. You guys are all so nice xxx

w0lfqu33n89

  • Trendsetter
  • **
  • Posts: 119
  • I overthink everything...wait, do I? Yeah I do
  • Respect: +44
Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #22 on: January 29, 2019, 02:38:56 pm »
+1
There's nothing you could say here that would make us hate you. You do belong here - don't doubt that.

What you've written here sounds incredibly similar to how I felt in year 10 and 11. It got to the point where at the end of year 11 I started distancing myself from a lot of my friends because it was just too stressful to be around them - not that I'm saying that's what you should do, it's just what I did.

I guess something you should try and remember is that you're not responsible for anyone else. That might sound kind of harsh, and it's totally fine to want to help other people, but if it's getting to the point where that's hurting you then sometimes you just need to take a step back.

From what you've said it sounds like you're trying to figure out who you are. Back when I was in year 10 I tried to do that by being alone a lot, I used to go riding my bike around the city, or just go exploring areas I hadn't been to - much to my mum's annoyance haha -  and it helped at the time, being away from people who knew me. By being around strangers I could really try and figure out who I wanted to be without being confined by how people expected me to act.

Obviously that's really hard to do in high school. I thought I'd figured out how to be me in year 12 - but really I hadn't, even just being out of school for a few months has helped.
Despite how much it seems like everyone is judging you, really the majority of people are too busy worrying about themselves. Something I said in year 11 - originally out of anger, but I still stand by it - was something along the lines of 'you're going to find something to hate about me anyway, I'm only going to change me if I'm annoying myself.' That's easier said than done, but really, no matter what you do there's going to be someone who'll hate your hair, or your clothes, or your makeup, or the way you walk, and there's no point trying to please everyone - you won't succeed.

I'd encourage you to spend some time thinking about who you want to be - not what other people want you to be, or how you want others to perceive you - but what makes you comfortable and what makes you feel like yourself (if that makes any sense). Don't expect to figure it out straight away - it takes ages, but if you give it a bit of time and try a lot of different things eventually you'll start to figure out what makes you feel good - whether that's what clothes you like, or how you act, or any other variable.

It can certainly help to write down how you're feeling - both to force yourself to think about it, and to get a perspective from others on it and it's really great that you feel safe enough here to do that - and I hope you know that you're welcome to write down how you're feeling at any time, there'll be no judgement from us.

You might also find it helpful to talk to a teacher or your school's welfare department - I know you've said you appreciate the anonymity on here, if that's also the case with talking to adults then Kids Helpline have a phone number (1800 55 1800) which you can call anytime - they can be pretty helpful ^-^

Sorry PhoenixxFire, I thought I responded to this!!!!!

Yeah, I did try distancing myself for a while and just focusing on my schoolwork, but I soon realised I was just more unhappy. my friends and I rekindled and we are back on track but I still have that feeling of how I am 3 chapters behind them.
Oh yes, I am also a ninja when it comes to escaping reality and taking sometime to be yourself, I love the city, I hardly ever go but I just love it. and people watching, makes me inspired that these people all don't care what others think and how one day I wanna be just like that.

I love that, its so true 'you're going to find something to hate about me anyway, I'm only going to change me if I'm annoying myself.' You know what. I think I am going to write that down. Thankyou for that PhoenixxFire!!

I am not good with talking to people face to face about things. I feel so much pressure and like I am trapped and there is no way to escape. I have reached out to KH before but it wasn't really any help. The person tried their best I guess I am just high maintenance and it takes a lot to change my thoughts and visions about things. I do use an app called Headspace that is great for blocking out all the insecure thoughts and makes me relax and not stress so much. I guess that's my therapy  :)

sorry again for replying late, I totally forgot, and now I will have stuffed up the forum and poor Bea (who fixed it last time shoutout to her) will have to do it again! I'm so sorry guys! thankyou for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it all so much. im starting to feel a lot more relaxed her on Atar Notes (AN).

w0lfqu33n89

  • Trendsetter
  • **
  • Posts: 119
  • I overthink everything...wait, do I? Yeah I do
  • Respect: +44
Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #23 on: January 31, 2019, 04:02:52 pm »
+7
Greetings my fellow.....idk....  ;D

how is everyone.

thank you so much for all the love and support from my last post, I am feeling much better about going back to school tomorrow....yes TOMORROW. oh my gawd!!!

trust me I have already looked up a video on youtube on how to make fake vomit so I can pretend I am sick!

today has finally hit me, its a new school year, a chance for a clean slate and to be me....well at least try to be. I have been checking my emails. my school is doing a small production this year, I am thinking maybe asking if they need any behind the scenes help, taking photos or simply with making the program. I don't think I will be wanted though as last year I signed up for backstage and ended up bailing because I got anxious. I mean cmon! its already backstage! but I am going to try to push myself this year.... I have been told many times being out of your comfort zone is good, but like, I feel very firkin not ok and exposed and vulnerable when I am out of my shell. I like my shell ok! that shell is my soulmate. but I guess sometimes soulmates break apart right? I am a hermit crab, and I am growing, my shell is to small and I need to find a bigger better shell, I need to broaden my comfort zone.

also got an email from my bio teacher saying I have a SAC in the second week. WHATTTTT!!! I have never had a sac in my entire life! can someone pls help me and tell me what it is!? is it similar to a test, and can I bring a drink bottle to it? one time in year 7 my stomach grumbled in a test and it was so embarrassing, now when I feel like my stomach is going to grumble I skull some water and it stops me. when I get stressed my stomach feels empty. it also helps when I get over stressed and anxious combined and I start to loose serious focus and start watching the clock tick. I take a sip of water, take a breath and continue my test. I love a drink bottle in a test, I am weird ik.

anyways, I am sitting here doing my bio homework because I am leaving it to last minute and just got the sac email, which attached, was also my first practice sheet and he wants us to read up on it and answer some questions. I better get back to it.

man I am so stressed. how will I do my hair for the first day? do I wear my long socks or my short socks? do I put on makeup or is that trying to hard? where's my lock and key? do I get up an hour early just to relax and be able to take my time. arghhhh. god save me.

lex out xx

Joseph41

  • Administrator
  • It's Over 9000!!
  • *****
  • Posts: 9231
  • Oxford comma and Avett Brothers enthusiast.
  • Respect: +5971
Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #24 on: January 31, 2019, 04:08:27 pm »
+7
Hey!

If you replace the word "SAC" with "test", that's pretty much what it is haha. It's just a fancier word for pretty much what you would have experienced in earlier years. Typically the same sort of "exam conditions" will apply, but this will depend a bit on your school. But yeah, a drink bottle should be totally fine. If your school is super stringent, it might have to be see-through and with no labels, but this was never the case at my school.

I don't think it's weird, btw! I had a drink bottle in every single SAC and exam through Year 11 and Year 12. I think it's a great strategy! ;D
A noble spirit embiggens the smallest man. Yeet ahoy!

FREE HSC RESOURCES
FREE QCE RESOURCES
FREE VCE RESOURCES

Bri MT

  • VIC MVP - 2018
  • National Moderator
  • ATAR Notes Superstar
  • *****
  • Posts: 2434
  • invest in wellbeing so it can invest in you
  • Respect: +1632
Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #25 on: January 31, 2019, 05:13:59 pm »
+5
Hey,


I'm glad to see that you've been able to find some support and relief from reaching out here - I know it can take a lot of courage to be open and share things, especially when you may have a frame of mind telling you the community doesn't want that (you're certainly allowed to talk about your experiences in your journal - including unpleasant ones - and you are part of the AN community).

It sucks that you didn't find KH very helpful the first time - good on you for giving it a shot though. In my experience it took talking to a few different counsellors (this was at school not over KH) for me to find someone who I connected with and worked well for me (& I have friends who have also found that it took them a few tries to find a mental health professional who was a good fit); so, as hard as it can be, I would recommend that you keep trying to find a better fit for you. Definitely no judgement here for struggling with that - I just want to help you aid yourself.


As for your questions: 
- J41 has it 100% correct. It might help to know that SAC stands for School Assessed Coursework
- I'd probably wear it up if hot weather is forecasted. What's least effort/time and most comfotable for you?
- I always wear short socks so I'd go with that. Maybe consider the weather and what you'd be most comfortable in?
- I've make up a grand total of twice in my life so I'd go with no BUT if anyone judges someone for "trying too hard" I'd consider that to be an incredibly not valuable opinion and try not to pay it any attention. In fact, I might pity them for time & energy they're wasting on those thoughts  and the opportunities that's denying them.
- yeah, I clearly have no idea where they are but best of luck finding them
VCE: Sciences, eng lang & methods
2018: Science Advanced - Global Challenges (Honours) @ Monash

Leadership  ; Scientific Methodology ; Wanting to stay productive?
Psychology  Research Methods Practice

w0lfqu33n89

  • Trendsetter
  • **
  • Posts: 119
  • I overthink everything...wait, do I? Yeah I do
  • Respect: +44
Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #26 on: January 31, 2019, 11:30:41 pm »
+4
Hey!

If you replace the word "SAC" with "test", that's pretty much what it is haha. It's just a fancier word for pretty much what you would have experienced in earlier years. Typically the same sort of "exam conditions" will apply, but this will depend a bit on your school. But yeah, a drink bottle should be totally fine. If your school is super stringent, it might have to be see-through and with no labels, but this was never the case at my school.

I don't think it's weird, btw! I had a drink bottle in every single SAC and exam through Year 11 and Year 12. I think it's a great strategy! ;D

Hey J41!
haha omg thank you, I just watched the weight fly off my shoulders 😂. So even in yr 12 exams (like the major ones) your aloud a drink bottle?

Hey,


I'm glad to see that you've been able to find some support and relief from reaching out here - I know it can take a lot of courage to be open and share things, especially when you may have a frame of mind telling you the community doesn't want that (you're certainly allowed to talk about your experiences in your journal - including unpleasant ones - and you are part of the AN community).

It sucks that you didn't find KH very helpful the first time - good on you for giving it a shot though. In my experience it took talking to a few different counsellors (this was at school not over KH) for me to find someone who I connected with and worked well for me (& I have friends who have also found that it took them a few tries to find a mental health professional who was a good fit); so, as hard as it can be, I would recommend that you keep trying to find a better fit for you. Definitely no judgement here for struggling with that - I just want to help you aid yourself.


As for your questions: 
- J41 has it 100% correct. It might help to know that SAC stands for School Assessed Coursework
- I'd probably wear it up if hot weather is forecasted. What's least effort/time and most comfotable for you?
- I always wear short socks so I'd go with that. Maybe consider the weather and what you'd be most comfortable in?
- I've make up a grand total of twice in my life so I'd go with no BUT if anyone judges someone for "trying too hard" I'd consider that to be an incredibly not valuable opinion and try not to pay it any attention. In fact, I might pity them for time & energy they're wasting on those thoughts  and the opportunities that's denying them.
- yeah, I clearly have no idea where they are but best of luck finding them

heyyyy MT!
yes, it is hard, but I always think to myself how they may know me really well but would have no idea if they passed me in the street. the invisibility cloak I have is a blessing 😂.

Yeah, I guess this place can be my therapeutic safe haven. I have already met some incredible people, and was surprised how many people are willing to get to know me, even if they don't comment and just read, it feels amazing.

haha I was just typing my thoughts 😂 but thank you for answering them! I'm sure you will be pleased to know I have found my lock and key!

anyways I will give an update tomorrow about my first day! should probably head to bed, I am getting up early to stop my first day jitters!

lex outttt x

PhoenixxFire

  • VIC MVP - 2018
  • Moderator
  • ATAR Notes Superstar
  • *****
  • Posts: 2588
  • Bad puns are how eye roll
  • Respect: +1888
Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #27 on: January 31, 2019, 11:49:19 pm »
+3
So even in yr 12 exams (like the major ones) your aloud a drink bottle?

anyways I will give an update tomorrow about my first day! should probably head to bed, I am getting up early to stop my first day jitters!
Yep you're allowed a drink bottle in any SAC or exam - for the year 12 exams it has to be a clear bottle with no labels though.

Good luck for tomorrow!
2019: B Environment and Sustainability/B Science @ ANU

Poet

  • MOTM: JUN 18
  • Victorian Moderator
  • Part of the furniture
  • *****
  • Posts: 1248
  • Your now is not your forever
  • Respect: +1873
Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #28 on: January 31, 2019, 11:57:00 pm »
+3
(darn, Phoenixx beat me to the waterbottle thing  :D)

Good luck for tomorrow!! We'll be cheering you on and ready to lend support from here. You'll be fine. ❤️
You're both the fire and the water that extinguishes it.
You're the narrator, the protagonist, and the sidekick.
You're the storyteller and the story told.
You are somebody's something, but you are also your you.

Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

w0lfqu33n89

  • Trendsetter
  • **
  • Posts: 119
  • I overthink everything...wait, do I? Yeah I do
  • Respect: +44
Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #29 on: February 01, 2019, 10:17:16 pm »
+3
(darn, Phoenixx beat me to the waterbottle thing  :D)

Good luck for tomorrow!! We'll be cheering you on and ready to lend support from here. You'll be fine. ❤️
Yep you're allowed a drink bottle in any SAC or exam - for the year 12 exams it has to be a clear bottle with no labels though.

Good luck for tomorrow!

You guys are the best! Thankyou for your support and YASSS! I don't know what I would do without my firkin drink bottle! my drink bottle in a test is like a toddler sleeping with a teddy, I cant deal without it 😂

So, my first day hey?! well it was quite good but it had its ups and downs.

I started my day off bright and early, dressed (back in that fucking school dress 🤮), done my hair. (This one is for mini turtle.... I wore my hair down, and my long socks 😂😂) I chucked on some mascara and brushed my teeth. I packed my school bag with all the folders I could fit, honestly probably too many as I was aching till I got my locker.
missed my train.... *frustrated sigh* so I immediately start panicking. Anyways, finally make it to school and see my friends, did the big old reunion filled with massive hugs and a omg you look so tanned bs. (only one of them was sincere, I could tell the others were like meh). We had a senior school assembly because, oh jeez being year 10 aint enough no, lets squish you in a small room with ALL the older kids!!!!! Anyways, you know those typical assemblies that there is really no point for because all they do is go over the same shit every year and state the complete obvious? well 30mins of that later and I am in my home group, low-key hateeeee it. In year 10 my school makes the HG's based on Alphabetical order, I literally have noone close to me in the grade. so I am that try hard who sits on the outskirts of the group and making witty quirky jokes everyone and then just to be ignored and feel more secluded. oh well, 10 mins a day right? Anyways, we got our lockers. I finally got a top locker for the first time in my whole life!!!! YEEET! The price to pay was have the one girl I literally hate most in my whole entire school next to me. Bad enough she is in my homeroom, nope we are locker buddies! on the other side is one of the girls from the group that ignores my pretty well thought up jokes...(if I do say so myself). The first chick is honestly the worst. I always felt sorry for her because people would make fun of her, but she started treating me like shit, and she is one of those I play dumb chicks? like full on like in the movies is smart af in academics but when it comes to social life she is terrible. so dumb. in year 8 when I had the confidence to make humorous jokes at her expense she would laugh along and I was like....wait what? did you not get that message? it was entertaining, a stranger laughed at it so I was like, nice one. but she treats me like actual shit, she always talks me down and I am like I already have a list a mile long of insecurities I don't need yours added. thank you NEXT. (if anyone got my reference then I love you!!!!!!) so locker is sorted, then we have 30 mins of free time because we had finished all plans for periods 1&2. out come the laptops and also the "omg, what model is that" "how much did that cost you" "omg you got a Mac, I only got a hp." So me and another girl (who is quite fragile and has high anxiety) went to set up our laptops with the wifi, she seemed stressed so I was asking about her holidays and xmas and she seemed to lighten up a bit, that made me happy. Then it was recess, my friends met at our "hangout" (cos like hehe its high school and that's the slang....right?) its hard not being in any classes with my friends, I only have one in math, and 3 in French and 1 in bio. everything else is just people I know of but aren't close to, its hard, but I guess I need to focus. After recess, I had double English were we started our study on TKAM. first chapter was ok, a little confusing but I got the hang of it. Then lunch, then last period I had Lit (literature). my Lit teacher is honestly so sweet, we watched a few John green vids (GOD BLESS!!!!) and started to talk about the next few months of core work. we are studying a book about Ancient Greece, and a story from a females perspective, so we are focusing on feminism. so both my books are on quite political and controversial topics. I'm already uneasy. haha. anyways, school ends and I actually catch the train I am ment to back home.
I have a bit of homework this weekend, but nothing I cant handle.
so far, a bit of stress but not much. I am sure there is more to come.

My plans this weekend are honestly homework, binging TV shows, not leaving my bed, and as many fruit smoothies as I can handle...ohh and a longggggg bath, before all the real shit starts.

did I mention I have a sac on the second week!?!?!?!?! God SAVE me!

what are all you guys doing this weekend? would love to know what you guys get up to! (pls pls pls, take that information In the nicest most not stalkerish or weird way possible!)

ciao ciao, Lex xx