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August 14, 2020, 06:18:18 pm

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Should Poet and Lex get septum piercings together? 😜

YES YES YES YES
ehhhh, nah

Voting closes: September 12, 2020, 06:56:10 pm

Author Topic: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!  (Read 17316 times)

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w0lfqu33n89

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #135 on: January 31, 2020, 08:07:31 pm »
+12
Hey,

nothing to apologise for. It's ok to struggle, to have intense emotions & to feel lost. I'm proud of you for taking steps to help you work through them. I'm glad that you can use this is a space to get some of that stuff out receive support back.

I hope it gets easier soon

Honestly your support through this whole journal means so much....thankyou xxxx

Hello lex

Don't apologise. It's good to just let everything out and say whatever you want and just let it go.

It's great that things are getting better for you so keep fighting and things will gradually get even better. They will.

We'll always be here for you.

Another OG, thankyou so much Evolio xx


Sup y'all wassss gooooood!?

I was low-key hoping this entry would be a good one, I was going to post last night but got too anxious and started crying because what I wanted to write wasn't coming out right. eh.

Anyways I was meant to say a few posts ago, I've had this journal a year now. A flipping year! I have been reading my old entries and still gasp at how accurate and the same I still am. especially the ones from this time last year, starting school.

So today was my first day of year 11.....yeah. ooft SHIT IS REALLLL now.

I was nervous as hell last night, went to bed at 9 because I felt sick just thinking about it but didn't get to sleep until about 3 because I was so anxious and my mind would not stop playing loops of different scenarios and each time make them worse and worse.
I was expecting to see MM today loose my shit and run to the bathrooms....and it was very close to happening but luckily it didnt.

It was so fkn hot today like bruh whyyyyyy. I was already sweating at 9 after walking to school. I saw two of my friends, I want to call them best friends because I love them to bits and they have always been there for me, especially one of them, but they are also the CLOSEST of friends, I'm talking have baby photos together! sisterhood you can never break. I don't want to rupture that or get in the way. So I hung with them, till our assembly was called because I was shit scared of all the popular kids and seeing my group of friends that includes MM and a few others I have issues with atm. Will get onto that later.
Anyways, assembly was called and we went in, bags about to explode full of books.... :o.
we went through the whole; phones are banned, SACs, cohort bs. But I was so distracted and nervous and in my head. All I could think about is I am stuck in a room filled with toxic, bitchy teenagers who will ruin your life to be on top of the foodchain or to prove they are better than you. It makes me sick to my stomach being so uncomfortable. I was also looking for MM. I was sitting with my friends and felt bad and wanted to know he was at least sitting with someone he knows....FUCK why do I still care so much! why! Lex, move on, focus on yourself. get him out of your fucking head. But that's the problem as soon as I saw him my stomach screamed. I saw his smile...that gorgeous smile...the smile I am so used to seeing and so used to missing. LEXIE!!! STOP. I felt sick, I know I am supposed to be this strong girl and confident after a breakup and show him im fine, im doing well, you can't bring me down. But he is still managing too. I ache just wanting to hug him to feel his arms wrapped around me. to feel wanted and loved. But I didnt. When we were together I still had my doubts my lack of self worth. My insecurities, they would all still get to me in the relationship and its probably what caused half of our issues. ME, its always me. I need to accept we are both at fault and I did the right thing for me right now, in this moment. But it also made me angry, he was laughing, he was smiling, he was fine. It was like nothing had happened. and then I think about how ive been and I just want to run away. How can something so big like this affect two people so differently.

Recess I spent eating apples and popcorn and talking to some fellow Bio nerds at a table. It was good to catch up with them. Here how their holidays were and dodge the "how was yours?" question as all I could think of was me in that moment breaking my own heart.

Then I had psychology and math. Ive had some issues with my math teacher in the past but im trying to push it all aside and start fresh. Psych was awkward as I had to sit with a girl there is some tension with, but yeah.

Then we had lunch and I was awkwardly left with MM for a few moments alone and stepped forward and he asked me how I was. I saw him out of  the corner of my eye and I got so anxious, I could feel my muscles tense and my spine go cold. I wanted to turn around and punch him, I wanted to scream, I wanted to grab him and hug him, I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to tell him to go away. and I also wanted to pretend I was fine and say great and smile. But all I could manage was a bitchy "next question." Seeing him is just so confusing. I dont know if love him or hate him. Or I just idk. Its so frustrating that not even I know. Nor do I know what to do about it.

Last period was my favourite...I had literature. My teacher is honestly my idol. She is a feministic, open-minded, accepting and loving Godess and I live for her existence. I will actually cry in year 12 when I dont get to see her again. Everyone needs a lucky penny in life and she is mine. :).Imma call her that now....Penny her nickname haha.

Walking to the station alone felt so weird. Im used to seeing MM wait for me, to walk with him, to talk about our day. But I walked alone with my head bowed to scared to see him or his brother. God Lexie your year 11 now. Pull your shit together and stop being so anxious over the smallest things.

Ive tried covering up how I feel and flirting with a few people over snapchat. I dont want anything serious as I know how I still feel about MM but I am so tired and sick of it constantly being on my mind and me constantly having to cry over it and then get mad at myself. Ive hung out with the same guy twice this week, we haven't done anything and I dont want to, he's too good a mate, but its been nice to have some male company especially when they care. Its like he can read me like a book and can see the bad thoughts flow through me because he is always making sure I am ok and feel comfortable...I guess deep down im just hoping it could be MM instead.

Anyways hopefully I will have an update next week on a full week of school! FUCK!

Thankyou all for the support throughout the year, you guys are honestly amazing!

- from your fav perpLEXed child.....hehehehehehe ;D ;D ;D

w0lfqu33n89

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #136 on: February 02, 2020, 06:08:15 pm »
+14
This week will be ok. I will be ok. I will stay strong and I will push through regardless of any tension.
I will complete my homework.
I will go to bed earlier
I will avoid conflict
I will eat healthy.
Ive got this
I can and I WILL

J_Rho

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #137 on: February 02, 2020, 07:31:14 pm »
+6
You are inspirational and I can't wait for the next update - You got this!
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w0lfqu33n89

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #138 on: February 09, 2020, 07:51:36 pm »
+10
Wassup ma mammals! (if you get that reference ;)))))))) )

So first full (kinda) week.

It was a tough week to be honest. I had a breakdown in French class because people were bombarding me with questions as to why I am not going on the French trip anymore and I got really overwhelmed as I am already heartbroken I can't go due to financial and parental reasons :(((((.

I volunteered to help my school in this years Relay For Life, as I love the event and I do it every year as its such a great and fun cause. And I offered to make posters and speak at assembly with a fellow SRC student. When going to discuss it with her she had told me she had already written the speech and will send me my part. I felt really left out as I wanted to start this year fresh and show my worth as I hope to be a school captain 2021. So I did a few corrections as her English was quite bad anyways, but hopefully I get more opportunities during the year to show what I can do, because what's frustrating is I can achieve so much and I know I can, but my insecurities and anxiety becomes a huge barrier I cant face.

MM and I were better, still hard and a little awkward but we are getting there. I have had a few conversations with him but yeah.

Thursday I took off school as we had our school swimming carnival and I do notttttt to do swimming infront of judgemental, people destroying power filled millennials NO SIR! so I stayed in bed all day a lil depressed and binged Sex ed 2 and ate a whole bag of skittles......yes Lexie....BAD GIRL!!!

This week I joined my schools QSA. Ive always wanted to be apart of it and this year I worked up the courage and went with my friend. It was a great time. Being in a room filled with people who share their stories and are filled with non judgement. I loved it.

The weekend was kind of shit. My best mate had a birthday dinner that was organized by one of his friends (who I don't really get along with) and I didn't get an invite because of that which really hurt because if your going to do something for someone its in there best interest and I am really close with him. I talked to the girl about it but she never really responded to my question. But I guess at the end of the day as long as my mate had a good night and enjoyed himself that's all I care about.

Anyways sorry this entry is a little rushed and all over the place...not really in the best writing mood tonight.
Hope you guys understand xx

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #139 on: February 10, 2020, 10:51:52 am »
+4
Hey,

Honestly your support through this whole journal means so much....thankyou xxxx

You are absolutely welcome


You say you can't face your insecurities and anxieties at the start of your last entry but then later in the same post you describe yourself doing exactly that in joining your school's QSA. Facing insecurities and anxieties is hard, but you have proven you can do it even though it's something that's hard for everyone. Sometimes you don't and that makes sense - it can be pretty hard to find the emotional energy to do that sometimes but for sure you are capable.

It's been a tough week but still you've been working on improving yourself and your situations.

You don't need to apologise for your entry, I understand, and thank you for sharing it with us. I hope that next week is better.

w0lfqu33n89

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #140 on: February 19, 2020, 09:30:13 pm »
+5
It literally just keeps getting worse.

Its at the point that I know if I was looking at me from another point of view I would be pitying myself. So I can't imagine how others are feeling about me.

Right its been 10 days since I last posted and it feels like a lifetime. I am slowly detaching from my friends and I am trying to keep them close but its just not working. One mate has screwed me over, one is being distant and I am asking to hang out and getting dissed.

I feel like everyday is just such a huge commitment and struggle. I go from class to class, bow my head, avoid the locker bay stand like an idiot at recess and lunch with my friends just talking to each other and completely ignoring me. repeat. Thats my life atm. Im a broken record and I am hurting. I feel so alone and so isolated from everyone and everything.

Ive started starving myself again, I am only just scraping in homework on time, psychology can fuck right off and I have no break. no time to breathe. Im being consumed by this heavy fog and I can see through to the other side.

Im falling, im going down, im tripping. The top is no longer visible. I can just feel it we are spiralling again

w0lfqu33n89

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #141 on: February 24, 2020, 09:01:02 pm »
+7
Today I woke up late, I missed my alarm and I accidentally slept in
Today, I sat alone on the train, looking out the window at the world passing by
Today, I didnít eat a thing, and still managed to push through tennis training
Today, I went to school, hardly paid attention and nearly fell asleep in French class but I went.
Today, I lost my best friend, my best friend of nearly 4 years now, I was told I hurt her in ways I hadnít even noticed.
Today, I thought, its hard, I canít pour from an empty glass, I cant catch someone when Iím already falling
Today, I lost hope, I scrapped the barrel and that tiny bit had vanished
Today, I lost someone elseÖ.

Ö..and that someone was myself

Today I gave up, I give up.
Today I just breathed, I walked, I grabbed my books and I went to my classes, but that wasnít me.
I wasnít there, or I was? But it was that part of me I had pushed so deep down I cant even recognize itÖherÖthat, thing!

Today I lost all hope

w0lfqu33n89

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #142 on: March 17, 2020, 09:33:40 pm »
+5
Hey guys, look I donít even know if this is a good entry or not. Seemingly Lexie cant catch a break without her shadow of darkness appearing when theres too much light.

My Ďbest friendí and I havenít spoken. After that day I had waited to give her some space and then texted her a few days later and she got really mad at me over nothing. I was a mess but an angry mess and said some super rude things. Maybe iím still angry because I donít regret saying what I saidÖ.and I normally do in these situations. Im scared. I donít want to see her but I do everywhere I go. My anxiety going to class knowing she is there makes me want to run away and cry. What hurts most is I know she will be hurting as well, but she will cover it up in insults and lies. Thats two people now. Two people I have let use me over and over again. Why do I choose to be blinded by the bad? I need to focus on both the good and bad.

MM and I are friendly atm. We hung out the other day and it was great. But iím starting a new thing with him. I am not blinding myself from the bad things he says and does. I am honestly starting to see a lot more by taking a good step back and observing and taking in all angles and not just the angles I want to see. Itís really working for me. In terms of us getting back together It will be a very long while If it we to happen. I need to put myself first but he isnít being the best of support atm. He doesnít understand me like I wish he would, but thats not up to me anymore. I need to stop expecting him to do things I want someone to do or treat me the way I want someone to when I know he wont. I saw this quote the other day it said ďIm not over him but iím over itĒ that as well as quite a few other depressing quotes I have resonated with lately.

I mean I guess I feel guilty about so many ruined friendships. People keep telling me they werenít my fault and I was hurt by them, but I have to be apart of it right? I trust too easy, I give to much and expect nothing in return, I go above and beyond my needs and when I expect at least a bit of it back I donít get it and I blame myself. I just want a stable relationship with anyone. A friend, or someone. Atm i feel like I have friends but not many that are approachable at school.

Oh speaking of that godforsaken hell hole I have had a shit two weeks. Cramped with school work and the stress levels are so high. Ive had to stay back every night this week and will for the rest of the week! I had my French SAC and failed, which I resat and then passed. But heres the thing, I didnít pass because I didnít study, I had a nervous breakdown because I was being recorded and my teacher was getting disappointed and yeah. Then I had my English SAC, which I did an amazing SOI on but my actual creative piece was less than 300 words so I have to add more to it. Yesterday I did a bio SAC and I felt super good about it but my teacher said only 6 or 7 people did really well and most of us choked. And then today I did my psychology SAC, which I finished early today and left. Tomorrow I have my math SAC which I know I will fail math has NEVER been a friend of mine. I am also doing an open book in class SAC for literature and I am falling behind in that because I was sick last week and missed a double.

This corona virus bullshit is pissing me off our world seriously needs to be more proactive and less reactive. And we need to start thinking of other people! I helped a lady with her groceries today because she was elderly and I was scared she would get stuff taken from her trolley. This world is insane.

Anyways my wifi is about to run out (timed to 10pm) and I wanna watch OITNB (hehehehe)

Peace out my dudes xxxxx will maybe continue this tomorrow :)

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #143 on: March 18, 2020, 06:54:26 am »
+2
<3 <3
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w0lfqu33n89

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #144 on: March 31, 2020, 05:48:48 pm »
+9
Hey everyone, sorry for not properly updating like I said I would, I literally have no excuse!

Hows everyone going? Also hope all you year 12's are ok, life right now would be so bad and if y'all ever need anything pls let me know!

Hope you guys are staying well and safe and away from others.

How have I been? yeesh. Well cant see my psych for another 2 weeks, which I hate because there is so much I want to discuss with and talk about with her. I feel her room is literally the one place I actually am allowed to be myself and the only place I feel I can be. That is if she is still working with all this COVID-19 stuff, but she works from home so I hope so.

Tbh although I have been hiding it from most of my friends, I am so stressed about everything right now. How tf am I supposed to do school from home? what is the wifi doesn't work and I fail my class just because I couldn't connect to a group call? What if I have to be boarded up in my house for more then these 3 weeks? I hate it here. I am judged and even though I hate school and hate the toxic environment it is still some relief from home.

I miss my friends, I've started hanging out with a new group and we have a group chat and are keeping each other updated and distracted but its still hard not to be able to sit with them at lunch and talk.

Ive been trying to use this time to build on my friendship with MM, but it seems to not be working. Things just keep happening that are making me upset and angry and hurt. Idk how to feel anymore. I don't trust my feelings because of how I feel towards him. Everything is so confusing but all I know is I need to talk to my psych about it and get her opinion, she has a lot more common sense and is a lot more knowledgeable then me although I feel bad for tormenting her with my stupid teenage dramas.

My nan and best friend are both in hospitals atm (its ok y'all no COVID 19 touching my babies....haha) but im really worried for both of them. My nan was staying in Box Hill about a week ago before being transferred and they are saying 6 staff now have tested positive for corona virus. I freaked out. I called her to make sure she was ok and she told me she was fine and had already been tested....which I knew....and she was negative....I just got all anxious again and needed the words to come from her mouth. I want to go see them both but i'm locked away, have no car and no independence.

Im trying to stay calm and have distractions. I have been cleaning my room ready to redecorate it. Im hopefully getting a double bed and repainting it as well as new furniture. My room has been the same since I was about 9 and it seriously meeds a redo!!

So atm i am sleeping most of the day, up all night, not eating much, stressing, drinking shittonnes of soda water (idk dont ask I literally dont know why) and am having withdrawal symptoms from school (now those are some words I thought I would never say!)

anyways I bought hair dye because im bored and it was on special. My hair is currently a burgundy/light brown. should I go dark purple or dark red.....the choice is up to you guys haha

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #145 on: April 01, 2020, 12:01:44 pm »
+4
Hey everyone, sorry for not properly updating like I said I would, I literally have no excuse!

Hows everyone going? Also hope all you year 12's are ok, life right now would be so bad and if y'all ever need anything pls let me know!

Hope you guys are staying well and safe and away from others.

How have I been? yeesh. Well cant see my psych for another 2 weeks, which I hate because there is so much I want to discuss with and talk about with her. I feel her room is literally the one place I actually am allowed to be myself and the only place I feel I can be. That is if she is still working with all this COVID-19 stuff, but she works from home so I hope so.

Tbh although I have been hiding it from most of my friends, I am so stressed about everything right now. How tf am I supposed to do school from home? what is the wifi doesn't work and I fail my class just because I couldn't connect to a group call? What if I have to be boarded up in my house for more then these 3 weeks? I hate it here. I am judged and even though I hate school and hate the toxic environment it is still some relief from home.

I miss my friends, I've started hanging out with a new group and we have a group chat and are keeping each other updated and distracted but its still hard not to be able to sit with them at lunch and talk.

Ive been trying to use this time to build on my friendship with MM, but it seems to not be working. Things just keep happening that are making me upset and angry and hurt. Idk how to feel anymore. I don't trust my feelings because of how I feel towards him. Everything is so confusing but all I know is I need to talk to my psych about it and get her opinion, she has a lot more common sense and is a lot more knowledgeable then me although I feel bad for tormenting her with my stupid teenage dramas.

My nan and best friend are both in hospitals atm (its ok y'all no COVID 19 touching my babies....haha) but im really worried for both of them. My nan was staying in Box Hill about a week ago before being transferred and they are saying 6 staff now have tested positive for corona virus. I freaked out. I called her to make sure she was ok and she told me she was fine and had already been tested....which I knew....and she was negative....I just got all anxious again and needed the words to come from her mouth. I want to go see them both but i'm locked away, have no car and no independence.

Im trying to stay calm and have distractions. I have been cleaning my room ready to redecorate it. Im hopefully getting a double bed and repainting it as well as new furniture. My room has been the same since I was about 9 and it seriously needs a redo!!

So atm i am sleeping most of the day, up all night, not eating much, stressing, drinking shittonnes of soda water (idk dont ask I literally dont know why) and am having withdrawal symptoms from school (now those are some words I thought I would never say!)

anyways I bought hair dye because im bored and it was on special. My hair is currently a burgundy/light brown. should I go dark purple or dark red.....the choice is up to you guys haha

Hey Lex!

YAY an update!
Its sucks you can't see your psych for a while, but there are people here to support you as well as some really good resources online.
Doing school from home is definitely daunting but we'll get through this, I understand how school can be a relief from home (I'm the same) but we are all in this together and we will get through this stronger than ever.
And considering we may be stuck inside for longer than 3 weeks now is the perfect time to redecorate, surely you'll take before and after photos??!! IMO I reckon dark red hair would look cool considering you have burgundy/brown hair
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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #146 on: May 31, 2020, 06:53:51 pm »
+2
Hey y'all, been quite stressed transitioning back to school from homeschooling and a little full of homework, should be ok soon...be prepared for a big update I have lots for you to indulge in! Till then... Lex xx

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #147 on: July 08, 2020, 08:40:22 pm »
+9
Hey guys,

wow I need to update more, everytime I go to do a new post I get the "warning: this topic has not been posted in for at least 30 days"
oops.

Hoping one day these sad and shitty entries might piss off but for now we still hear.

Just read my last entry MATE has my life changed a lot in the 6 weeks I've been away.
So my psych is no longer, she ended up being a fraud and a lot of her work was unethical and was illegally taking money when she was telling medicare she was bulk billing me. Anyways long story short, I no longer have a psych and I tried getting another and looking for one but my mum and I just had a fight and she mentioned how she doesn't even understand why I need a psych. But mentally it really fucked with my head. I had so much trust and respect for her and I feel like our relationship was no different to a toxic friends. I was considering giving her access to this blog and Im really glad I didn't because I would feel so violated and vulnerable. So yeah. Its also hard to get a psych with this COVID stuff. Since yesterdays news idk how to react, Im sad but don't really know if that makes any sense at all.

MM, well, we have the same friends and go to the same school, but returning back to school I am avoiding him as much as possible. As much as I am over him I still carry so much anger and hurt and even though I don't show it and im not the type to fight I just can't physically be around him. He pulled out of my deb as well (which has been postponed to next year). So that makes number 17 of guys who have said no to being my deb partner. This will sound very messed up but deb is out of my comfort zone, ive never been the type to participate in that stuff, I did it to have fun but to also prove to myself I can be 'pretty.' wow even writing it makes me cringe at my own thoughts, but I guess with the amount of guys who have said no to me I take it as a sign to give up. Deb isn't for me. Im gonna go as a guest and hype up one of my friends. Im used to being on the outside supporting others anyways so yeah.

So ive also been trying to get myself back 'out there' idk. ive started talking to more people and making more friends. Atm im talking to a guy, imma call him wrinkles because its a joke we have going and code names are fun. but yeah wrinkles' deb parter also ditched him but we've only been talking the last 2 weeks so I dont want to ask just yet if he wants to be my deb partner. But atm he is my last try. Talking to him has made me realize just how messed up I am from my last relationship because I have so much struggle in conversation. We have been vining great but the last few days its just been weird. He hasn't engaged much at all and ik I overthink everything but idk. Ive tried the subtle compliment thing and flirting but eh. Idk. lets see where it goes but I move super slow hahahaha.

Not sure how I feel about going back to school soon. Last time when it was just year 11/12 I liked it because the school was much quieter and socially wise I wasn't as anxious but class and work is still stressful. My school isn't very understanding with mental health so its hard to get help when needed. Honestly I have a handful of teachers I would go to before the mental wellbeing office, I mean they are the ones who referred me to my last psychologist but they also said to me once that there is not much that they can do because she isn't a psychologist. I just sat there but if I had any badass confidence in me I would of said then why am I here and walked out. Especially with COVID I would wish the would be more understanding as we are all struggling in our own separate ways and even regardless of covid we should be nice to each other regardless but yeah. Oh well

Imma end this here because I have no flow and no idea where this is going normally I think about what im going to say for days prior and have a plan with what I write sorry this one isn't as structured

- Lex

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #148 on: July 21, 2020, 09:31:21 pm »
+8
Ola everyone!

Hope you guys are doing okay, my inbox is always open if anyone wants to chat or vent or anything really (I could do with some of that right now!)

So, schools back, just year 11/12 @ my school. Its okay but its so stressful. Its starting to catch up to me whereas before the holidays I was able to manage it well. Im finding myself struggling a lot in class, with sleep, motivation and socially. Sometimes when I'm struggling I do this weird thing where I just disappear into the shadows of the hallways and library corners. I try not to associate with people and idk why. I feel that starting to happen again, which will make me lose friends again.....yay. just after I found a nice bunch of people I start fucking it up for myself again because I am to scared to trust people. I feel even weirder now. This is one of the first times I've started to feel myself struggle again and genuinely not know what to do. Last time this happened I had a boyfriend I could talk to and a best friend who knew I wasn't ok before I did. This time around I have neither, and because of those broken relationships I feel like allowing myself to trust someone to let them know what's going on will be impulsive and giving them a green light to walk all over me.

In the family side of things, my nan is out of hospital, has been for about a month now. She lied to the nurses and rotors and said I would be staying with her as she needs 24/7 hour care. She asked me if I could stay with her and temporarily move in which I had to turn down. My mum and her don't get along and I hate to of made a selfish choice but its what I had to do for me. I need to focus on school and VCE and not knowingly let more stress into my life. I love my nan to bits but I can't commit to that. It would involve showering her, lifting her from the bathroom getting her in and out of bed, cooking meals, cleaning also while living myself and committing to school. I just wouldn't be able to do it, and I feel in myself I would fail, and it is illegal for an underage family member to do that. I wouldn't be able to tell you the safest way to get someone out of bed. I haven't called her since the day she got out. I feel really guilty about it but I know how my nan works. I love her too bits and we have a relationship that's unbreakable but she will be furious at me and tell me ive let her down as I am the only family she has left. I just am not prepared to hear those words yet.

In lighter news, in amongst this shithole of my current life situation I have come out to a few people I feel comfortable around as bisexual. Ive sort of known for a while (since 12) but ive never given it the time of day or explored it because ive been invested in the social norm. After MM it gave me time and the chance I needed to understand my feelings and my likes and dislikes and attractions in people. But yeah. Normally im not for labels but for y'all mainstream folk it goes as bisexual haha. Idk my views on life are so weird. I hate how people are categorized and expected to behave a certain way. I dont see myself as bi, I see myself as attracted to people of both genders and I like what I like. idk I cant really explain it but yeah.

anyways that's really all I gotta say :)

Bri MT

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Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
« Reply #149 on: July 22, 2020, 08:46:23 am »
+8
Hey!

Thanks for the update :)

Trust can definitely be a hard thing especially when you're feeling especially vulnerable and unsure in yourself. For me when I was both wanting to share something and also not wanting anyone to know, I found that what worked well was to incrementally share more information. Not knowing whether or not someone will hurt you and/or betray that trust can be overwhelming but something my counsellor shared with me is that taking control over how you share your story reduces its power over you. Socially alienating yourself is unlikely to be a strong long term strategy (even though it's understandable - especially with everything that's happened) and I hope you do develop strong friendships to help support you despite apprehensive you might feel about that.

btw it's a good thing that you've been able to draw that boundary with your nan and not take on a role you're suited for. I can't imagine how hard the pressure to do that would be and I'm glad you were able to recognise it wouldn't be healthy. You know your nan a whole lot better than I do obviously but you can't know she will be furious at you, maybe she will be but there's also the chance she won't. This sounds like a conversation that might be an increasingly heavy weight on you the more you hold it so please try to be careful with how long you delay it.

It's great to hear that you've been figuring yourself out and becoming more comfortable to share that with others! Labels are only as useful as you find them so it's 100% ok to prefer to think about yourself in a non-labelled way. Congratulations on learning about this aspect of your identity :D