TheBigC's University Journal

[TheBigC]

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[TheBigC]

I have always pondered over the idea of starting a journal. Many times I would begin writing a sentence then hastily shy away from any further introspection. I find it awfully confronting to delineate my own doings in as concrete a literary form as writing. Oh well, I am in quite a volatile situation right now, so going back on AN at this time is what I self-purport to provide a metaphorical railing for me to hold onto, among other things.

Albeit being amongst a first-worldly tough time (lol), I do reflect back upon two-thousand and eighteen. What a year that was. I mean, I came out with high expectations, only to be left with something I was unhappy with. From this experience, I truly see the importance of hard work, ethic, grit – whatever epithet you choose to assign it. Throughout school I never really tried. I would always just cram or not study at all and see where it took me. I must, however, concede to the boring essence of school – at least for the most part, so I want entirely leave myself to blame. I did this over VCE and am left regretful, resentful and livid toward my past self. I loathe more than a few things about my demeanour throughout school. To be forthright, I don’t feel like I deserve the things that my parents do for me. Atop this, I hate being congratulated. It really strikes me in a soft spot. Part of the reason I look ahead to university, is that all of this can be left behind, allowing me to better myself (I also love reading uni textbooks lol – this is really what I filled my year 12 experience with, mostly getting ahead for uni… so that is another reason).

So, Jan 9th 2019. As of recently I have left the comfort of my own home. I now live in Melbourne City. Given that I once lived in a place that I’d define as fairly rural (it is technically a metropolitan area, though not close too Melbourne City), this has been a substantial shift. Heck – every time I ruminate over my current situation I have panic attacks. To be honest, when writing this now, I apprehend the busy world outside my apartment. I used to live amongst the chirping of birds, the rustle of leaves and the tranquillity and safety of a family home. It pains me to not see my parents. From a very young age I would have a habit of getting homesick. Anyways, I just tell myself that I am old enough now to confront my own issues without the clairvoyance of my parents.

University starts in over a month… I thoroughly look forward to that. Well, that is probably enough for today. I hope that shares a bit about myself. Thanks for taking the time to peruse my journal.

[TheBigC]

Well, some time has passed since the tumultuous substantiation of this journal. Time is a rather interesting construct. The linear essence of time, at least as we perceive it, is rather arbitrary – very un-objective. We perceive time as linear because we experience emotions that are afflicted by apparent distances between events. However, whether I start university today or tomorrow or in a decade is irrelevant. As long as it happens, it is an event that has happened and when it does happen, it is. I am not convinced that totally objective creatures would experience our said “time”. Rather, every event, every happening, is but another experience. So, how would one account for supposed linear developmental patterns in such a non-linear model. To that – I say – perhaps cause does not precede effect, perhaps our reality is irrelevant. Perhaps nihilism is the truest method of subsistence.

That was fun.
 
So, I have lived in the city for… hmmm… I suppose 11 days now. It has gotten much better. I am beginning to find my roots again. I no longer feel homesick. I feel at peace with my internal bubble of apprehension. Now, I just need to find another thing to make me uncomfortable. Lol. I have met some new people, however, they have left back to their home states now, which makes me yet again – alone. It is fascinating just how lonely one can feel amongst crowds of people. Almost oxymoronic in its demeanour. Being introverted is not of great utility here… of course. Anyways, I am off to the gym – it is nice creating hobbies.

‘Till next time.

[TheBigC]

I might include some of my photography here... the city looked pretty nice today

[TheBigC]

Hmmmm.... I would consider myself a very philosophical person. I love engaging in philosophical discussion. Just thinking about metacognition, metaphysicality and a variety of meta-related ideas, as well as the ideas themselves that fall subset to the meta form that I have delineated. Anyways.

Lately, over the past few months, a question that has seriously baffled me pertains to the idea of sentience and thinking inherently. It is through thinking, whether voluntary or involuntary that we cause an action to occur amongst our human body. We think about moving our arms, our fingers, our legs, our cheeks, our jaw, our abstraction, the images we see in our heads etcetera. Thoughts control the very essence of who we are and the actions we take. So, I ask a near paradoxical question. If thinking substantiates an electrical impulse that travels along the synapses of a neuron, ultimately eliciting a response, what is the mechanism by which something as abstract as a thought translates into something as measurable and tangible as an electric signal. Energy.

In the process of generating the impulse, we think about doing something. In other words, we have to be able to generate an impulse to think about generating an impulse, thus, we yield the cascading question. How does the first impulse arise to establish the subsequent impulses. How does sentience maintain its integrity. We are always thinking, we are always thinking about thinking and thus we are always yielding new impulses to initiate actions. It seems so nonsensical. How can this system self-sustain. Hmmm...

To further delve into this idea, we - for example - have to think about moving our arm, thus we generate an impulse to move the arm, but to generate the impulse, we needed to think, hence we had another impulse to yield the thought that enables for the movement of the arm, yet that is anticipatory. How can we have an impulse that specifically (or non-specifically), targets the pathway involved in the thought to yield limbic movement... yet we still adapt to our environment in an almost un-anticipatory demeanour...

[TheBigC]

When I was in my early youth, I primarily reasoned through the use of my innate qualities. I apprehended death, I feared eternity. But it was not just death that I had an intrinsic apprehension toward, I also feared God. From this age, a time of great ignorance, I didn’t have the capacity to question that in which is vehemently believed by my elders.

After all, who am I to question their wisdom?

Who am I to interrogate the values of those who have been on this Earth for nearly a magnitude longer than I?   

I presumed that death meant judgement, and this judgement lead to either an eternity of pain or an eternity of glory. Personally, I find either to be horrific. I loathed the control that an omniscient, all-knowing entity had of me. Does it know my every move, my every action? Is everything an act? A lie? I am not good. Surely God would understand of my incredulity. My slight doubts. My sins. Is thinking possible? Is imminent death my greatest chance of maximal innocence and consequential afterlife glorification? These were all questions I had asked myself very, very young.

It wasn’t until I grew older, maybe around year 1-2 of schooling, that I realised that teachers can be wrong. This sheer quality led me to significant deductions that altered my conceptualisation of life dramatically.

If teachers could be wrong, then adults can be wrong.

I began to question. I began to ask. I began to shrug out of the indoctrinations that had engulfed my very sentiment of reality. It didn’t make any sense. Why does the priest always mention the all powerful essence of God? Why does he mention that God is always good? How is it that these are mentioned within the same paragraph? They are – afterall – paradoxical. This was obvious even to my own juvenile self. If God is all powerful, then He cannot be all good.

Thenceforth, it was made lucid. God is not an entity. He is a construct. He is the embodiment of fear. Of apprehension. We, humans, fear the unknown, eternity, loss, we live in self-preservation. If God exists, then judgement exists, then any act against another human is sin. Then all acts to injure me are sinful. Then I am protected.
 
Adults are wrong. Elders are wrong. Scientists are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Mistakes are made.

So, who am I to trust? Do I trust my parents who want me to be a doctor? Do I trust my gut that seeks more? Who am I to lay my life in MY HANDS? Who am I to be so arrogant as to question the idiocy of humanity?

I know now, existing without God. Faithless. That death and life are but indiscernible. I live nihilistically. The universe has no obligation to make sense to me, nor does it have an obligation to have purpose. Purpose is bullshit. A fallacy. A consolation that is but most unnecessary. As unnecessary as free will. As unnecessary as heaven and hell. I know what happens when I die. I know that what will happen is exactly equivalent to before I was born: nothing. No consciousness to interpret my environment. Nothing to be stimulated. I find this to be the most comforting of all thoughts. Nothing is beauty.

[Bri MT]

I've never believed in a deity or followed a religion so I can't relate from that perspective. However I did go through the questioning process of who decides right and wrong?  Am I arrogant enough to have that be me (with all my flaws)?
In the end I decided that although I am fallible I couldn't rely on others - and so after lengthy reflection decided on the values of empathy and determination to guide my life choices. 

These values aren't perfect but they're the best I've been able to come up with so far to guide myself.

I believe that we can create our own meaning and that morality - even when presented through a lens such as scripture - will always require individual interpretation. 


I hope you are able to find some measure of resolution soon; good luck. 

[TheBigC]

Well, a lot has happened since I last entered into this journal. It has only been 13 days.

I have enrolled into the Bachelor of Biomedicine. Funnily enough and contrary to popular belief, this is because this degree structure actually gave me MORE flexibility than the Bachelor of Science.

You see, I had wanted to study Biology, Chemistry, Mathematics and Computing in my first year. The BSCI does not allow you to enrol into all of these units, however BBMED does. So, here I am. Undertaking all of these subjects in Biomedicine. As for future study, I do like the prospect of becoming a doctor, however, I personally have strong interests in research, too. I believe espousing all of these skills will be most apposite for my research endeavours, as well as possible clinical endeavours in the not too distant future.

Ha. I have now lived in Melbourne for a month. I honestly can't believe how long I have been away from home: I love the city. I am so darn grateful and excited to live here. It is funny, because - in the process of writing this, I am back at home (been here for only a few hours), with my parents, however, I do not feel at home here. Funnily enough, I want to go back. Back to my real home. I like my old home, but I love my new one. I can't wait to go back.
 

[smamsmo22]

Hey!
It's great to hear you're settling into uni life well! What's your favourite thing about Melbourne? (Melburnian since birth over here ) How have you been spending your last weeks pre-uni? Any interesting realisations/realities in regards to living independently that have surprised you?
Best of luck with the Biomedicine pathway; I'm glad you've found a course where you can study the subjects you'd like to! How are the contact hours looking?

[TheBigC]

Hey!
It's great to hear you're settling into uni life well! What's your favourite thing about Melbourne? (Melburnian since birth over here ) How have you been spending your last weeks pre-uni? Any interesting realisations/realities in regards to living independently that have surprised you?
Best of luck with the Biomedicine pathway; I'm glad you've found a course where you can study the subjects you'd like to! How are the contact hours looking?

Hey, what's up Smamsmo!

Honestly, over the past weeks I have mainly spent time investigating my subject's course structures, as well as job prospects. I have done a bit of programming independently, going through languages such as C# and Python. Holistically, it is all a process of discovering where I can rectify and apply my skills to industry or academic settings. Ultimately, the aim is to make as much of an impact on humanity as is possible and thus, I have to ensure that my degree enables for me to fulfill this objective.

In terms of interesting realisations, laundry takes a very, very, very long time (lol!), so not much fun there. Cooking is fine, in fact, I quite enjoy it. In terms of living largely in solitude, that can get somewhat tough (most of my friends live more than an hour from Melbourne), so lots of Netflix (haha!), going to the gym, trying to occupy myself with arbitrary tasks... you know that kind of thing.

Now, onto contact hours. I will go to unimelb every day (which is awesome!). Mondays are about 8 hour days, Tuesday are a lot more chill, however I have a late night practical (past 9pm lol). Crazy stuff. All-in-all, contact hours are looking somewhere along the lines of 20-25 hours per week.