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January 26, 2020, 09:39:58 am

### AuthorTopic: The ephemerality of VCE  (Read 3901 times)

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#### mango8

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##### Re: The ephemerality of VCE
« Reply #30 on: June 01, 2019, 11:39:46 am »
+2
I know no one probably actually cares but I just need to get it out. (Warning: A lot of negativity and swearing)

God I'm fucking tired
I fucking hate my school and the coordinators and 'higher up' people. And I've realised, that all of them, aside from one who I can't understand how the fuck he got his role when he can't even speak english or make any sense whatsoever, are privileged white assholes. So it's okay. Because everyone else is less. Nothing. They can be fucking rude and ill mannered and deplorable and act like pieces of shit over and over again, but I have to take it, don't I? Time and time again, I take it. Because I'm not only merely a stupid fucking teenager but I'm not white!!!!!!!!!! Therefore, I am lower. I have always been respectful and polite, especially to my elders. But that's meant that I take things when I shouldn't. Over and over and over again, I take it all. And I'm fucking exhausted and done with all of them who make absolutely no fucking effort to actually UNDERSTAND things at all but rather do as they please, say as they please and think it's fucking okay. They are all just fucking pieces of shit and it's gone on for all the years I've been at my fucking shit hole school. I have to see emails and have one sided conversations (because I don't fucking exist do I?) and take it every single fucking time. And if I try to speak up, (because I deserve that, don't I), what do you think? Does it work in my favour? Or do I feel even more worthless than I already do? God I'm so tired of this, every single fucking day.
FOUR MORE MONTHS AND I'LL BE DONE. NEVER HAVE TO EVEN LOOK AT THOSE PIECES OF SHIT AGAIN, EVER, NOR WILL THEY RETAIN POWER AND PRIVILEGE OVER ME ANYMORE, AND I WON'T NEED TO KEEP TAKING IT AND STILL BEING FUCKING NICE EVERY DAMN TIME. Why the fuck do so many people like them even exist?

#### Geoo

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##### Re: The ephemerality of VCE
« Reply #31 on: June 01, 2019, 11:11:14 pm »
0
I know no one probably actually cares but I just need to get it out. (Warning: A lot of negativity and swearing)

God I'm fucking tired
I fucking hate my school and the coordinators and 'higher up' people. And I've realised, that all of them, aside from one who I can't understand how the fuck he got his role when he can't even speak english or make any sense whatsoever, are privileged white assholes. So it's okay. Because everyone else is less. Nothing. They can be fucking rude and ill mannered and deplorable and act like pieces of shit over and over again, but I have to take it, don't I? Time and time again, I take it. Because I'm not only merely a stupid fucking teenager but I'm not white!!!!!!!!!! Therefore, I am lower. I have always been respectful and polite, especially to my elders. But that's meant that I take things when I shouldn't. Over and over and over again, I take it all. And I'm fucking exhausted and done with all of them who make absolutely no fucking effort to actually UNDERSTAND things at all but rather do as they please, say as they please and think it's fucking okay. They are all just fucking pieces of shit and it's gone on for all the years I've been at my fucking shit hole school. I have to see emails and have one sided conversations (because I don't fucking exist do I?) and take it every single fucking time. And if I try to speak up, (because I deserve that, don't I), what do you think? Does it work in my favour? Or do I feel even more worthless than I already do? God I'm so tired of this, every single fucking day.
FOUR MORE MONTHS AND I'LL BE DONE. NEVER HAVE TO EVEN LOOK AT THOSE PIECES OF SHIT AGAIN, EVER, NOR WILL THEY RETAIN POWER AND PRIVILEGE OVER ME ANYMORE, AND I WON'T NEED TO KEEP TAKING IT AND STILL BEING FUCKING NICE EVERY DAMN TIME. Why the fuck do so many people like them even exist?

God, that sound awful! You would think that this wouldn't happen in today's age, especially in Australia, but apparently it's too hard. Keep pushing through Mango! As you said, only four months to go then you can tell them to
Spoiler
Go Fuck Themselves
VCE Journey: 2019 - 2020
Biology [38], Chemistry, Methods, Food Studies, English.

#### mango8

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##### Re: The ephemerality of VCE
« Reply #32 on: June 04, 2019, 08:11:50 pm »
+5
God, that sound awful! You would think that this wouldn't happen in today's age, especially in Australia, but apparently it's too hard. Keep pushing through Mango! As you said, only four months to go then you can tell them to
Spoiler
Go Fuck Themselves

Thank you so much Geoo <3 This really uplifted me and reminded me that they aren't even worth it. At all.

so first of all. I just want to say a huge thank you to all the people who sent me messages after my last post. Each one of them already knows how much I appreciate them, but I seriously could not believe it, when I made that post on Saturday, I went to have a shower, and came back to THREE messages. That’s insane. Some people here are genuinely so much better than people in real life. In real life people are so draining, and I would rather the world be filled with dogs instead and spend all my time with dogs. And I got more, and I kept re reading them, a wonderful solace to remind me that at least, some people genuinely cared for me, and made an effort to understand me. It means more than any of them will ever know, and you never ever realise how a simple message to someone can truly change their lives. You guys who took time for me, you are so treasured by me and so special.

weekend unproductivity due to shit people
Anyway, over the weekend I was honestly very unproductive, unable to get anything done, because one of those people (who can’t even fucking speak english, and how the fuck can someone be a coordinator in the highest position if you CAN’T SPEAK ENGLISH), kept getting on my back and sending me these stupid emails, and I replied twice before finally realising, HE IS SO FUCKING STUPID HE LITERALLY JUST HEARS HIS OWN VOICE like I repeated the same thing over and over, and he wouldn’t shut the fuck up with his accusations and implications despite what I was saying (it’s basically about me not going to homeroom thing for certain reasons, and I go sit in the ‘counsellors chairs’. And my Mum spoke to him on the phone today, to knock some damn sense into his idiot brain. Honestly all these assholes have just tried to make my life even harder than it already is so yeah, can’t wait to (as Geoo said) tell them to go fuck themselves soon. LOL I just think, they think they’re so fucking important and abuse their power and constantly are rude and make me feel small, and in a few years I’ll have my fucking book and have achieved so many amazing things and they’re nothing more than GRAINS OF SAND. Meaningless pieces of shit.

04-06-19
Winter is finally upon us. I am constantly freezing to the core, and whenever I’m outside my nose has a perpetual leaking problem, and regardless of how many layers I wear, I still shiver.

chem
This morning, I arrived at school 10 minutes late, and I was frantically rushing to chem, only to discover, there was no one inside the classroom. We had always been in the same room, there was no reason to change, but I checked, and WHAT DO I DISCOVER BUT IT WAS CANCELLED. So I was rushing and racing to school, for nothing. I was so annoyed with my teacher, and teachers in general (never saying anything until the DAY ITSELF), because I had emailed her yesterday, and never once did she mention she was going to be away (and no, she wasn’t sick but at a conference, so she obviously would’ve known WELL in advance), and once I open my email, she sent an email in the morning, and I DON’T CHECK EMAILS IN THE MORNING WHY WOULD I but I just thought, for once I could’ve slept in, because this year all my frees are never at the start or end of the day (though I don’t much care for sleeping in, I’d much rather leave early), but I worked on my poster.

lit
I am so uninspired to even do much in lit (so contrary to last year where doing all the work was for once, fun and never even felt like work), so I ignored the looming creative sac, and instead worked on my poster again.

insert venting
So get this. After the incident with the counsellor who’s really a bitch, I did not go there for two weeks. She had never bothered to contact me once, yes, not once, but apparently kept reporting my lack of presence being there everyday to the shit assholes (if anyone thinks of a more creative name, let me know down below), and I go in, headphones in, her door is open, and I don’t look up, and go and sit down. Nothing. She comes out, and from my peripheral vision (since I angled myself away from the door), I clearly see her stop and look for a few seconds, and then walk out. A few minutes later, she walks back in. Nothing. And again, a few minutes, and she leaves (slamming the door like a fucking child), and completely ignores me. Like GOD IT HONESTLY MAKES ME FUCKING MAD SHE IS CONSIDERED A COUNSELLOR WHEN SHE IS SUCH A BITCH LIKE SHE HAS BEEN ALL THROUGH THE YEARS BUT GUESS WHAT I TRY AND SEE THE GOOD IN PEOPLE AND I JUST LET IT GO AND WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK HOW CAN A COUNSELLOR ACT LIKE YOU DON’T EVEN FUCKING EXIST. Another piece of trash.

revs
God sometimes I just want to scream at people. All the people I’ve made an effort to talk to just simply exclude me each time, and do you know every single time I’m not the first (and only) one to say hi and make conversation, they literally ignore my existence. I’m so sick of them. I just think what’s the point of even bothering to talk to them when they clearly can’t be stuffed. Another powerpoint, and I handed in a practice response. Everything in life is fucking pointless.

I had my maths sac, it was cas and notes, but I don’t even understand why. Like it was as hard, if not worse then last week’s no cas and notes sac, where every question looked like some ancient language with words just thrown together symbolising no coherence, but just an assortment of values and words I’m supposed to make sense of. I studied hard, and it just was so confusing. I read questions over and over and still nothing would click to understand how to go about solving it. I really, really want to do well in methods (mainly to shove it in all the arrogant privileged assholes faces who thought I couldn’t), and I know I can, but I don’t know what else to do differently. Yes I am so behind, but this holidays, I WILL be back on track (keep me accountable guys), and I have a tutor who is really helpful, I always talk to my teacher, I don’t know how to find it easier, and not like it’s consuming so much effort and time to understand.

Speaking of, I was thinking a lot about going for extra tutoring classes, and last year when I did, he actually didn’t even get me to pay. And this year, actually a few weeks ago in preparation for this sac, I had planned to go for two or three more classes, until I messaged him and he informed me it would still cost $50. I thought to myself, jeez, not everyone is frigging loaded, and there is no way I would have my parents fork out$150+ on maths tuition a week, that is insane to expect I would pay that. I mean, I’m going regularly for classes, and in my mind, it seemed logical and reasonable that I would get a lesser price for additional classes (he is in high demand as well, he has so many students), and when I articulated this realistic notion that I wouldn’t pay that much, it was met by awkward laughter, and then he said: “It’s okay, we’ll manage with one class.”

Oh, and speaking of this, I remembered I wanted to talk about my chemistry tutor. So three weeks ago I had a sac, and usually after class I would ask him questions, but this week he had started a new class right after ours, and he told me to email them to him. That I did, and to cut a long story short, he kept me waiting and waiting, and ended up giving me two answers (which basically rewrote the solutions, if I understood from the solutions, would I have asked??), and I stayed up, waiting and waiting, and ON THE DAY OF MY SAC in the morning he sent one more answer, as if anything would even absorb by then lol and the next week when he asked how my sac was I like to think my answer was passive aggressive, but I just said it was fine (without you, a snarky voice added in my head), and the following two weeks, I witnessed him spending a LOT OF TIME with two students after class. I am really thinking I need to invest in a private tutor, because he just zooms through content, and for crying out loud, paying him A LOT OF MONEY and he can't even help me outside of that, well. And I obviously want to do well, and improve tremendously, which I know I am capable of.

maths
The day before the grande finale, the teacher decided to be away. Fantastic. However, I was very productive with doing application task questions, and I appreciate the people I surround myself with in maths, who are all diligent, studious, hard-working, and extremely extremely SMART lol.

geo
Oh God the sac is next week, I have to get it done my the weekend since the next few days will be spent on my poster. Still don’t enjoy the atmosphere of this class. Never any time to be QUIET and get work done. Which happens in every other class, people know when to shut up. There’s just no respect or proper manners here. And I saw one of the privileged white assholes stride past, don’t want to see your stupid face thank you.

So basically every class minus revs was independent, and was a complete waste of time to go to school. But I was very productive. I’m going to go have a brownie and watch The Voice now. I hope it does not pour down with icy rain the second the sac is over tomorrow, I do not understand why there is such a long waiting period between after school and the sac (like what exactly can I do in that time), and why sacs are constantly after school. Like have some common sense. Why the fuck would I want to stay longer in that trash place if we could do it at lunchtime and through class?

Toodles,

Hugs + love always 💖

OH ALSO MY UNCLE IS COMING ON SATURDAY SO I HAVE SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO I CAN’T WAIT!!!! Talk to you lovely humans tomorrow x

PS: Whenever I write venting bad stuff, that's the only part I don't re read because even writing about it, while it's good to let it out, it forces me back into that situation, and I replay all the emotions, and I don't like doing that. So if there's errors, it's a part of it I guess. Sorry.

#### mango8

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##### Re: The ephemerality of VCE
« Reply #33 on: June 05, 2019, 07:53:53 pm »
+4
05-06-19

maths
Gosh maths has consumed two whole weeks, the ‘revision’ periods everyday were not helpful since there really wasn’t much left to do, but I did get help from my teacher to translate some questions from ‘Ancient something’ to english.

geo
Continued working on the report, and did practice questions with insufficient time to properly think and answer them. You’d think geo was a bludge (as I naively did, and it’s not).

free
Worked on my chem report.

lit
I don’t have a solid place here, as I mentioned two weeks ago I finally took the plunge to talk to a bunch of people I met over the years, but every single time I have to talk to them or make the effort, otherwise, nothing. Worked on my chem report because my passion for lit is gone. Though next week I will have to start working on my creative task (however from talking to people, it seems no one has really done much, or maybe they're just making it up since they're definitely the kind of people who say they've done nothing, and they've actually written a thesis). I know exactly what to include in my discussion but I was just stuck on writing it, and my teacher suggested we talk in class tomorrow, and it’s due friday, but for some reason friday’s class will be devoted to it as well which is really odd. I am hoping to get it done tomorrow, so I can ask my dad to print it at officeworks for me. I definitely regret not spending time on it on the weekend. I need to also print the Unit 4 notes and plan times to meet with my teacher to consolidate concepts. Something I really like is to see other people's approaches. Like for sacs, I wish our teachers would show us the best responses, so we could take detailed notes about how to best improve. I love seeing how other people write things.

after the stupid break (like who the heck thought of the dumb idea to have such a long break between second last and last period?? what an actual genius. oh wait, my school’s filled with a whole bunch of fucking geniuses right?)

revs
Tried my best to focus, but my attention wavered a lot, I really need to find my passion for history again. But we watched some of a movie as well. At least revs teacher has the courtesy to let us know in advance when she’ll be away on a conference. So a sleep in tomorrow. And other than maths, tomorrow will be another useless waste of time at school since geo will be working on the report, and chem as well. Like what's the point of me bothering to go all the way when I'll just be working on my laptop anyway.

Another ridiculous amount of time until the sac (to do what exactly??), and I waited, and waited, trying to drown out all the chatter and noise of every class, and the teacher this time, decides to rock up, what, five minutes before it actually starts?? Yes. Whilst waiting for outside the room, okay, one of my biggest pet peeves that irritates me so much (and not to worry guys, there’s a whole laundry list I’m sure you’ll find out all about), is when teachers stride past when you’re clearly waiting outside a classroom, and they fucking ignore you and refuse to open it (which would take up hmmm about ten seconds of their precious time?) So the last few years I used to go to school extremely early and then sit outside the classroom for half an hour plus. And at some point, a teacher would walk past, LOOK at me waiting, even a few other early birds, and would not be stuffed to simply let us in. It irks me SO SO SO much. So that's why I decided not to bother coming early anymore. And today, as I’m waiting there, along with a few other people, guess who strides past but the fucking privileged asshole and I have to see his stupid face, and he sees tonnes of students waiting in front of their rooms, and does nothing. And I have to hear his stupid voice talking to other people. I can't wait for the moment in the future, when I read back on this, and though I tell myself over and over, he, nor any of them, are worth my time thinking about, on and on, I can't wait when I look back on this, which I will feel terribly sad as well for all the absolute shit I've endured at my shit school, and realise, none of this even matters. Least of all any of the people.

lil letter to future me
Darling,
You are so so strong, stronger than you ever knew. You can do this. And all of this is so tiny, so insignificant, none of this will even matter in a year or five years, or twenty years. You will get through this, and you will be victorious, Because you are a warrior. You never let anything or anyone stop you, or make you feel worthless. You deserve the world, and you will get what you deserve, you will live an amazing, beautiful life and meet some truly marvellous people who love and care and value and appreciate you, your dreams and hopes and aspirations will come true, and you will show them all. Fuck them all. You are better, by miles and miles, and I promise you will look back on this, and wish you didn't care so much, and didn't go through what you have. This too shall pass, and you can do this. 16 more weeks, hey. You will be so so proud of the person you have become as a result of everything. You will show them all, you will achieve more than they ever will, and do what you were put on this earth for, and people will see you, and will care for you. A time will come for all this. Until then, hold on, and remember you are worth everything 💖

Then the sac happened, not that by any means was it ‘easy’, but it was far, far better than all the previous parts. When I looked at questions, I was like, finally, I understand what the heck is going on, I know what it’s asking, I know the steps to take. And when it was over, just as before it starts, I just told my ‘maths buddies’ I was glad it was over, and left because I didn’t want to discuss it at all, and it was time for alone time, and thank goodness, rain did not surge down as soon as I stepped outside.

And that’s pretty much it.

THANK YOU TO R!CKWORTHY AND LEXI AND COLLINE FOR BEING THE AWESOME PEOPLE THEY ARE, God they are ALL such gems, and have done more than they will ever know. Go give them some love <3

See you tomorrow!

“True belonging doesn’t require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.”
~Brené Brown

I truly can not wait for the day I have the resounding realisation this is true in my life. Please don’t take anything for granted, and stay grateful and be kind always x

#### mango8

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##### Re: The ephemerality of VCE
« Reply #34 on: June 06, 2019, 08:08:08 pm »
+6
06-06-19

maths
Started the new topic, and the next sac is ALREADY being talked about. It’s FIRST WEEK BACK. So not only do I have to catch up on bucketloads of work, get ahead, but also organise myself for sac número dos. At the start of the year the teacher was more than happy to go into recess/lunch, and last week she was adamant she did not want to. So I don’t know. Why are the breaks so LONG, it makes me so mad that if they were shortened I could GO HOME EARLIER. Whoever invented these breaks clearly didn’t use a brain. Which is basically the majority of people at school. Also ‘brilliant and intelligent girl with the stupendous scores’ DOES LIT TOO UHHH OKAYYY she’s not just good, she is stupendous at EVERYTHING. How unfair is that? When people not only have a flair for one thing but for EVERYTHING. I remember once there was someone who was stellar at maths and science, then she read her paragraph in english, and I was astounded, and she was simultaneously musically talented AND could draw so well too. Why do some people get to be like that?

so I sat in the room, and ‘counsellor’ (though it really angers me that she could be referred to as that) completely ignored me. You DO NOT DESERVE TO HAVE THAT TITLE. fuck you.

geo
Wasn’t the worst lesson funnily enough. Did some activities and had time to work on reports but as you may have guessed, I did my chem report instead.

finished my lit sac!! I wrote FIVE PAGES and lol my handwriting at the start was elegant you could say, and by the end, it was an illegible (hopefully not actually illegible tho haha) scrawl. Every time I think I have nothing to write and I’ll end up writing loads. I probably did atrociously though. Doesn’t help when you hated the book so much. Oh well. I have my next sac to work on. And you have to just keep moving forward, can't be stuck in the past. That's my problem. I am NEVER living in the present moment, I am either obsessing over the past or worrying my stupid overthinking brain off for the future. Yep, being a perfectionist and an overthinker with a lot of crap going on in life too is not great at all.

then I worked on my chem poster, and I was sitting outside, and of course, the second I sat down, a few minutes later, who strides out but rotten garbage ‘counsellor’ (I refuse to keep calling her that though), and naturally I look up, and she looks right at me, and walks right past without a fucking word because she’s a piece of shit. She absolutely disgusts me, as do all of them. Tell me, if you’re a fucking counsellor do you fucking act like a student you know oh VERY WELL doesn’t even fucking exist, like all these people are utter trash, but after these experiences day after day, I feel worthless, even more than I already do. And I hate myself for letting them get to me. You should NEVER let ANYONE hold power over you and make you feel like nothing. I can’t wait to get out of this shithole and be who I am and make my own decisions and choices and have MY life how I WANT for ONCE where I don’t have all these fucking assholes and expectations and you can’t let pieces of shit like all these people in my school WIN. So you push through, keep going, keep running, for four more months, and after this, life will be amazing. You will be successful and truly happy and SHOW them all you were NEVER DEFEATED and go on to achieve beyond spectacular things that you will finally be seen and known and noticed and oh they will fucking know, because you’ll fucking show them you’re worth the world, and oh all those people who made you feel worthless will feel like the dumb zero brain celled idiots and shits they are. Because they are NOTHING and you, YOU ARE EVERYTHING x Just you wait.

chem
worked on my chem poster, and talked to my teacher about it as well to ensure I was on the right track. All in all, I’m done, I just have to organise it into the template and print it and then I can finally focus on the geo report BUT guess what the geo and chem sac next week is on the same day yippee!! I'll get back so late and god I wish we could just do it in class or at lunchtime instead of this really fucking stupid after school thing all the time.

That’s all for today folks. Catch you tomorrow!

Also just wanted to share this, my Uncle (YESS SATURDAY I CAN'T WAIT!!!) sent me a collage, but the message is simple, I try to be conscious of it, but it really is true <3

dear self in 2019

« Last Edit: June 06, 2019, 08:38:16 pm by mango8 »

#### Remy33

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##### Re: The ephemerality of VCE
« Reply #35 on: June 07, 2019, 02:46:15 pm »
+11
she’s not just good, she is stupendous at EVERYTHING. How unfair is that? When people not only have a flair for one thing but for EVERYTHING. I remember once there was someone who was stellar at maths and science, then she read her paragraph in english, and I was astounded, and she was simultaneously musically talented AND could draw so well too. Why do some people get to be like that?

Wild suggestion - but maybe it is because they actually work ridiculously hard and put in an insane amount of effort behind the scenes?? There is nothing "unfair" about it. If anything, it just shows their work ethic, perseverance and self control.

I hope this didn't sound too attacking, just some food for thought. Good luck with your studies and VCE.
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#### mango8

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##### Re: The ephemerality of VCE
« Reply #36 on: June 07, 2019, 04:47:54 pm »
+4
Wild suggestion - but maybe it is because they actually work ridiculously hard and put in an insane amount of effort behind the scenes?? There is nothing "unfair" about it. If anything, it just shows their work ethic, perseverance and self control.

I hope this didn't sound too attacking, just some food for thought. Good luck with your studies and VCE.

That is certainly a fair and reasonable point and I wouldn't deny that the majority of them work extremely hard to get where they are because nothing comes easy and you must put in the yards for anything you want to achieve.

However I think its important to see both sides. When I described it as being unfair, remember that no one knows truly what someone is going through and a lot of people have also continuously given their everything to every subject and every assignment and work their butts off too, indeed it is all behind the scenes for us all, and not everyone ends up being amazingly talented at it all. Someone may have a strength in only one area but that by no means means they haven't worked or put in as much effort. In fact some things are just natural flairs, for art in particular, and often in YouTube videos , the comments section will be loaded with comments of how good they are at singing/drawing/dancing or whatever it may be.

Also an important point is when one is placing all their thoughts and true feelings on a public journal, it is much easier to be judgemental, when in reality humans are all jealous creatures with a natural tendency to feel lesser than those who are prettier, smarter or have 'perfect' lives in comparison. It is certainly not a feeling you can control, I am sure most people will naturally feel threatened.

It is vital to remember we don't know what goes on behind the scenes in anyone's life, and personally for me, I only use that as motivation to be the best possible version of me and do as well as I possibly can and even talking to those people sheds some light on what I could be doing differently. If you allow that jealousy to boil and boil into hatred until you can't even fathom using it to improve yourself, it doesn't work at all.

So yes I do understand what you are saying but I also feel perhaps it could've been worded differently.

#### mango8

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##### Re: The ephemerality of VCE
« Reply #37 on: June 13, 2019, 08:12:41 pm »
+4
Hello all.

All this SMASH IT OUT AT THE LAST POSSIBLE MOMENT is becoming my forte. I had not started my fieldwork report. And so on Tuesday, I forced myself to sit down and do it. My head started spinning at 6 hour mark but did i keep going? Oh yes i did. Because i’m superwoman, right? For 7 hours in total. I need to stop doing this. It only affects me, and the quality of my work. I have done this so many times, and it needs to stop. No more.

So GAT day….had a 100% chance of rain. I got to wake up at 90% of students’ ‘take it for granted’ wake up time at 7:20. I arrived at the perfect time, and I’m just hoping (touchwood) nothing drastic happens it needs to be used. I have no idea how people left early when as ridiculous as it sounds…3 hours was not enough. This time I did the writing pieces first and I had about 1 hour 40 min left to do the multiple choice. Seems like I worked quite well but a lot of the questions I stared at for long periods of time to comprehend how exactly to solve it. Some I could not even work out how to do. After, that I got home, and did a final 2h 15 min of my fieldwork report.

13-06-19 - two sacs and a twelve hour day

revs
Tried my best to focus but my interest in one of my fav subjects, has dissipated. I don’t know how to get it back. Anyway, I have the second sac in two weeks. Next week there are no sacs. Never before. Need to get my notes in order these holidays, and stay on top of everything.

maths
I worked through recess, I think doing that is really good since it’s all fresh in my mind and I’m not wasting the stupidly long breaks doing nothing.

geo
It was The SAC. It wasn’t actually a difficult one since all the info was in the report, regardless, I think I did terribly. Why oh why did I think it would be a BLUDGE ahhh.

lunch+free
Did two hours of studying for chem sac and maths.

chem
Don’t understand why we couldn’t do the sac then or at lunch, but it was time to ‘revise’ which was stupid. At a certain point ‘revising’ is useless, when nothing more absorbs into your brain. And I stared at the information, and with the amount of raucous noise, could I even possibly focus? So it was a waste of time.

chem sac
Definitely blame my teacher for never even explaining the content of the sac until I emailed her, she ‘remembered’ and sent a last minute email. And it was not explained clearly, and questions came up which I couldn’t prepare for since she never even said anything about it.

I arrived home at 6:05. So it was a twelve hour day, since I woke up at 6:05, as I do everyday.

Maths sac is first week back and I will redeem myself.

One day to go, and I can leave a bit earlier for once.

Finally, one more thing. Since I started this I have contemplated whether I should share more of my story. Many people have said what a supportive wonderful place they have found atarnotes to be, and I could not be happier for them. There have been two very special people I have met here who are very dear to me, because of what they have done. But other than that, I don’t know. I wish I could tell you everything, spill parts of myself I only dare pour out in my own journals, but I remember all the people in this world, and I stop myself. In real life I already have to deal with terrible people, and I can't risk doing it on here, for who knows, I have met a number of lovely, kind, sweet people, but who knows what others will be here? And I can't deal with people's judgement on here as well, especially when you know nothing of my reality.

#### Owlbird83

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##### Re: The ephemerality of VCE
« Reply #38 on: June 17, 2019, 07:16:52 pm »
+1
Hi Mango!
What are your favourite books (other than the Mortal Instruments )? Do you have any recommendations for someone who enjoys fantasy?

2018: Biology
2019: Chemistry, Physics, Math Methods, English, Japanese

#### mango8

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##### Re: The ephemerality of VCE
« Reply #39 on: June 18, 2019, 08:58:06 pm »
+8
Tuesday 18th June - The one where the drink bottle was forgotten

Hello all! I am trying out different formats, and for a special prize (lol) be the first one to comment down below where my title inspiration is from!

chem
Finally started the Unit 4. Since working on the posters for almost a month, we are very behind. There seems to be a lot to memorise in chem too, which I did not sign up for since all my subjects are CONTENT heavy. Anyway, I asked my teacher if we could go over some concepts at lunch which I didn’t understand, she said sure, and literally a few minutes later in lit, I get an email saying she has a meeting and how about tomorrow during a free instead. Of course I agree, although I don’t really like not self studying during my frees. Oh well, sooner than later right? That’s what I think, since in my experience having gaps in knowledge just widens and widens as the topic progresses, without a firm grasp on the fundamentals, it is almost impossible to get further.

lit
I did not do any lit, instead I worked on revs. See the trend? In lit, I never actually work on lit. I feel it is utterly pointless to come to school when you are not being taught anything, and left to your own devices so often. Another noteworthy update, my dislike, has grown worse for my teacher. So, I just finished sac 1 much later than everyone else, and of course, would have been unable to focus on much else, let alone the next sac, until I had finished the first one. And I was lost. Completely astray. I truly have no idea what sac 2 even entails, and it just means more writing on books I don’t like. Obviously I looked at the task sheet many times. But I was still confused. So after class (break time), I asked her if she would go over the sac, simultaneously weaving a story I had already created a draft. She essentially just told me to look at the sheet (uh which I did, many times, if I understood, would I ask you for a more elaborate explanation??), and sounded irritated at my questions, and that I was taking up her time (when I asked if she was free now, just packing up her things and telling me look at the sheet), and I am tired of her. I have been talking about revs, and my interest for that waning each lesson, but really, the worst is lit. My absolute precious subject, the one I held tenderly and adored more than anything else, the teacher and the class combined, has made my passion dissipate vastly. It is terrible, really.

I continued working on revs at recess, and then it was..

revs
I attempted to make conversation, and as expected, was given the bare minimum worded answers, with no interest to continue, and I just feel like giving up on bothering to talk to people at all. People exhaust me daily. I find myself hating them. (Note: If you find it in yourself to want to judge me and make assumptions and attacks based on a very limited perspective of how my life truly is, please click off my journal. This is my space, and I only ask you to be kind and supportive and offer any encouragement, advice, and your own experiences, because I did not come on here to have thousands of people judge me as well. I AM SICK OF PEOPLE JUDGING ME. Sorry for the outburst, but if you truly have nothing positive to say, then don’t. Don’t read my journal. Then again, if someone has something bad to say about you, it's probably because they have nothing good to say about themselves.). I asked my maths teacher if she was free to help me go over questions and exercises over lunch, and surprise, surprise, she was not either. That doesn’t mean you slack off.

I worked on maths in a classroom which was incredibly noisy outside, but I don’t let myself get distracted or bothered by now, I am focused, and restrained. As I checked my answers, none of them were right, and I was baffled. I had gone over these concepts yesterday with my tutor, and I knew the method was right. So what was I doing wrong? I couldn’t figure it out. I didn’t want to waste time, so I kept continuing, noting down those questions. Then I referred to the examples, and realised, like an absolute idiot, I had completely skipped the ‘integrating’ step and went straight into substations yes I wrote substations, I meant substitutions.

maths
More sacs were gotten back. I did not want to get mine back, at all. In fact, funny story, I refused to look at my revs sac because I was so afraid of what I would see. As she went through the solutions, I got my book out, ready to take detailed notes of all my mistakes, and she zoomed through it all, and I had no time to write down the questions and the solutions (since oddly for maths, where it probably would be most helpful, you can’t take sacs home or take photos AT ALL), so I settled for staring at the screen blankly while having absolutely no clue what she was saying since I also refused to open my pages being the epitome of a self-conscious person, and sitting next to ‘girl with the stupendous scores’ (who I shall have to come up with a nickname for, since I talk about her quite a lot haha but that’s because she is mind-blowing talented and so inspiring to me), heightened the awareness of just who I was next to. I did exchange jokes though, with her, and another person I was next to.

geo
We moved onto the next topic, which actually seems pretty interesting. Except for the part where people can make senseless, inconsiderate comments and jokes about real people in the world suffering real problems.

And I just finished doing two maths exercises (maths never ends). Now I am finally going to relax and eat some delicious fruit (papaya, kiwi and grapes) and watch the Voice.

Oh I almost forgot! You might be wondering what is so significant about me forgetting my drink bottle. Well, I haven’t forgotten it in years. And probably only have a handful of times in my lifetime. I usually pack it the night before, but for some reason I didn’t. And in the morning, I didn’t either. Rifling through my bag, I was flabbergasted. I never forget anything. To me, it was significant. The water tap didn’t even work properly, and I only drank from another one once. And I drink lots and lots of water everyday. Most times I go through two bottles, and I had none. I made an interesting observation (which I never noticed before funnily enough), that so many people did not have water bottles with them. I can’t comprehend that. I drink 1/4-1/2 a bottle every class! As expected, I ended up with a spinning head.

Also thanks Owlbird for your reply, I will get back to you, I am just so tired right now.

I hope you are all doing well, (at least better than me). Lots of love x

#### mango8

• Trendsetter
• Posts: 122
• Respect: +57
##### Re: The ephemerality of VCE
« Reply #40 on: June 19, 2019, 08:38:25 pm »
+7
Wednesday 19th June - The one where something blossomed

maths
Even more sac parts were gotten back. I find two things very humorous about these many people with their stupendous scores I sit with in maths. One, they always, always act as if they are so underprepared and ‘not ready’ for sacs and tests, and come out blazing as usual with their amazing results, and two, the shielding of their papers (because no one is even looking at the score/what was gotten right and wrong, I am only concerned with my own mistakes, and inspired to learn from their dedication and diligence and immense hard work to get the results they do). The maths sacs were truly horrendous. Most of the questions truly sounded like a made up alien language with words strung together to supposedly resemble things you can actually work out and solve. Whoever invented those questions…How on earth did you create those monstrosities?

geo
I really wanted to answer more questions, but it’s hard when you don’t actually know the answer. I also realised I can’t rely solely on my teacher anymore, I must consult with the study design and textbook more frequently, because undoubtedly there are many gaps. So many things listed in the study design were either never covered, or covered very vaguely. So these holidays, I shall make a detailed plan to stay accountable, and use them fruitfully. Geo wise, I need to do as I did for psych last year, where I made notes covering every aspect of the study design. This is crucial. And I need to go back and refresh concepts which I have forgotten about. As with every subject.

So next was my meeting with my chem teacher to go over some organic chemistry concepts and examples. It was very productive. Things actually started making sense, and having that one on one time is extremely beneficial, so I encourage you all to make times frequently with your teachers to go over content.

lit
Another useless lesson, where nothing was taught, and I worked on revs instead. The lit sac is due very soon, and I have not even made a start. I am sure you know why (if you are caught up with all my posts). I know i cannot let my dislike of her to get in the way of doing well in the subject, since I want that 50 in lit, above any other subject, but this subject was always so dear to me, and meant so much to me, and I know what’s happening, and I don’t want it to, but I am finding it very hard to change my mindset.

revs
It is very hard to concentrate, but I try my best to. As a matter of fact, I was too elated to think of much else since I had a conversation with someone who I didn’t for a long time, and it’s funny how some people or things can just change just like that, and what seems like so little to them, means so much to me. If people were more willing to engage and make an effort and not sick with their stupid cliques, things would be so different. Anyway, this made me really happy. I hope we get more opportunities to talk. Some people can just catch you by surprise sometimes. But I should not get my hopes up. No, I have learnt not to do that.

I just finished consolidating my understanding in chem with doing a booklet of naming and drawing organic compounds, and going over both past and material coming up. When you start getting the hang of things, it feels like such a wondrous achievement. Now I’m just going to relax and watch some tv (not sure what’s on), and maybe, just maybe, sleep at a reasonable time for once in my life.

Often the strongest among us are the ones who smile through silent pain, cry behind closed doors, and fight battles nobody knows about.

#### Bri MT

• VIC MVP - 2018
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• invest in wellbeing so it can invest in you
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##### Re: The ephemerality of VCE
« Reply #41 on: June 20, 2019, 03:33:13 pm »
+5
At the high school I went to people used to care a lot about what scores the high achievers were getting so its nice to hear that that's not the case at your school (for math at least anyway). Kudos for using the achievement of others as motivation rather than feeling threatened or bitter about it (as can too easily be the case for people sometimes)

As for how the questions are created (I feel like this was a rhetorical question but I'm going to answer it anyway) some teachers pull directly or tweak questions from VCAA and/or company papers.

Nice to hear about the progress you're making with realising to change up your study + receiving help from your chem teacher - hopefully it's mainly uphill from here

I would give you advice for tolerating lit but I left it as soon as I could (end of year 11) because I was frustrated with feeling like I wasn't learning anything so yeah... (I didn't have issues with my teacher but the class just wasn't working for me).

Finally, in response to sharing personal info with the AN community (from an earlier post) please never feel like you're obligated to do this. There are things I wouldn't have shared if I'd had a VCE journal that impacted my year 12; you've got to make the choice of what you're comfortable with and you think would be beneficial to you. From your posts I get the impression that you're experiencing a tough time (and have been for a long time) and I wish you the best of luck in overcoming the difficulties you face - but neither myself, nor anyone else here, has the right to the information of what it is unless you choose to give it to us. Being vulnerable can be empowering and there's a power in deciding who you share your stories/realities with & how - no one model is right for everyone.

#### smallbean

• Trailblazer
• Posts: 46
• Respect: +24
##### Re: The ephemerality of VCE
« Reply #42 on: June 20, 2019, 09:10:02 pm »
+1
Hi Mango!

I've really enjoyed your journal entries so far and am also doing History Revs and Chemistry. I'm not sure if you've mentioned this thus far, but which two revolutions are you studying? It's definitely a challenging subject, but my teacher mentioned something that helped me to view this subject in a new light. If you can come to view the figures that you read about as not just names in a textbook, but real people that have made mistakes just like you and I, the subject becomes a little bit more enthralling.
~Class of 2019~
2018: Chinese {SL}

#### mango8

• Trendsetter
• Posts: 122
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##### Re: The ephemerality of VCE
« Reply #43 on: June 22, 2019, 09:38:19 pm »
+5
Thank you all so much for taking time to write to me. It makes me so happy to read your thoughts!

Hi Mango!
What are your favourite books (other than the Mortal Instruments )? Do you have any recommendations for someone who enjoys fantasy?

Thanks so much! Other than the best series to exist, one of my favourite books of all time is The Night Circus. No words could describe the utterly beautiful writing in this book which takes you on a sublime, magical journey and you will never find a book like this. This book I will never forget or tire of reading over and over, and it takes you on a magnificent journey you will never forget. I heard about it from A Clockwork Reader. It is a book that is very hard to describe, but left me speechless. I never get a chance to read anymore, so I live vicariously through booktubers and their reading vlogs, wrap ups, TBRs (I have more books on my TBR than I have read this year). What are your other favourite books?

Hi Mango!

I've really enjoyed your journal entries so far and am also doing History Revs and Chemistry. I'm not sure if you've mentioned this thus far, but which two revolutions are you studying? It's definitely a challenging subject, but my teacher mentioned something that helped me to view this subject in a new light. If you can come to view the figures that you read about as not just names in a textbook, but real people that have made mistakes just like you and I, the subject becomes a little bit more enthralling.

Hello! Thank you! I am studying the French and Russian Revolutions. How about you? That is very true, sometimes I forget that because it feels like my teacher is just bombarding us with pages of content each lesson, and new dates and events and people I have to memorise, but not just know that in detail, but understand their significance, and I guess it has been so overwhelming and my passion was driven away by that, because learning for sacs and exams and a good study score and amazing atar can make you forget your love for something. But that was helpful. Thank you, I need to keep that in mind. What do you love about history? What are your other hobbies and passions? I am excited for your journal entries as well!!

At the high school I went to people used to care a lot about what scores the high achievers were getting so its nice to hear that that's not the case at your school (for math at least anyway). Kudos for using the achievement of others as motivation rather than feeling threatened or bitter about it (as can too easily be the case for people sometimes)

As for how the questions are created (I feel like this was a rhetorical question but I'm going to answer it anyway) some teachers pull directly or tweak questions from VCAA and/or company papers.

Nice to hear about the progress you're making with realising to change up your study + receiving help from your chem teacher - hopefully it's mainly uphill from here

I would give you advice for tolerating lit but I left it as soon as I could (end of year 11) because I was frustrated with feeling like I wasn't learning anything so yeah... (I didn't have issues with my teacher but the class just wasn't working for me).

Finally, in response to sharing personal info with the AN community (from an earlier post) please never feel like you're obligated to do this. There are things I wouldn't have shared if I'd had a VCE journal that impacted my year 12; you've got to make the choice of what you're comfortable with and you think would be beneficial to you. From your posts I get the impression that you're experiencing a tough time (and have been for a long time) and I wish you the best of luck in overcoming the difficulties you face - but neither myself, nor anyone else here, has the right to the information of what it is unless you choose to give it to us. Being vulnerable can be empowering and there's a power in deciding who you share your stories/realities with & how - no one model is right for everyone.

Hello Bri! Thank you so much for replying on my journal. Truly. You are definitely someone who I was most inspired by coming on here, so this means a lot to me.

I definitely used to view other people’s high scores as a threat, but as I’ve grown, I’ve kept in mind that I can’t control other people, what they say, do or the results they get, I can only control my own actions and how I respond. And in the end feeling bitter and overcome with jealousy only impacts me, and impedes my abilities because I would become too focused on others.

I understand now doing textbook questions are not sufficient, and I need to do checkpoints and exam style questions to be prepared for sacs. I too hope things can go up from here. When you are at rock bottom there isn’t any more down to go, there is only up.

I suppose for lit, I just need to dig deep and find my passion again, and realise it is possible to excel without an amazing teacher, and I can’t let the teacher and class stop me. I won’t give up because reading and writing were always things I held dearly, and I can’t let external sources defeat my dreams and plans.

Finally, I have always decided I would never share too much, at the end of the day this is a public forum and I would not talk about a lot of things that are really going on in my life. So far I have barely even scratched the surface of the extent of what’s going on, but I’ll keep it that way. Thank you for your empathy and understanding, I couldn’t appreciate anything more from anyone on here. Hope you’re doing well and take care.

#### smallbean

• Trailblazer
• Posts: 46
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##### Re: The ephemerality of VCE
« Reply #44 on: June 22, 2019, 11:31:33 pm »
+2
Hi Mango!
I'm doing the Russian and Chinese Revolutions. The revolutions that you are doing seem so interesting.

I wish that Revs was a mix of all four so that I could get a taste of all of the different revolutions. The thing that I love about history is the fact that everything that happened in the past directly had an effect on the future that we have today. I also love how everything unravels like a story (because I'm also a bookworm haha) and that the historical figures are like characters in a book, except all the more real.

I can relate so much to school dimming the interests and passions that students have in subjects due to everything being judged and submitted towards a single number, the ATAR. If only we could just learn for our own enjoyment and not be forced to memorise chunks of content for the sake of writing it down for an exam and literally forgetting it all mere moments later.
I guess at the end of the day we've just gotta play the VCE game, no matter how hard it gets.

I'm so happy that you enjoyed reading 'The Night Circus', as it's one of the books on my TBR list for after I finish Year 12. I've read the blurb and it seems like a book that I will fall in love with.

Take care and I'm looking forward to following the rest of your journey  xx
~Class of 2019~
2018: Chinese {SL}