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December 17, 2018, 07:30:44 pm

Author Topic: English Standard "Texts and Human exeprineces" Poem  (Read 226 times)

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ushna

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English Standard "Texts and Human exeprineces" Poem
« on: December 03, 2018, 10:40:52 pm »
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For my assessment task, we had to choose a paradox that links with human experience and write a poem about it. I have chosen "the funniest people are the saddest" as my paradox. Can I please get some feedback on my poem. Thank you :) :)

angewina_naguen

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Re: English Standard "Texts and Human exeprineces" Poem
« Reply #1 on: December 03, 2018, 11:59:18 pm »
+7
Hey, ushna!

Firstly, I think this is an awesome assessment task!  ;D I remember brooding over not being able to write poetry in Advanced and Ext 1 English (which is why I did it for my Ext 2 Major Work) and hoping that the new syllabus would encourage different forms of writing from the conventional short story for creative writing. I am a huge poetry fan and would love to be of assistance!  :D You have chosen an interesting paradox too! I have some general feedback for you, alongside the annotations which I provided in the attached document. Poetry is the most subjective form of writing you can do so feel free to take whatever advice you feel is applicable and disregard the rest  :) You know the assessment and your markers better than I do  8)


General Feedback

- You demonstrate an understanding of poetic practice and implement it in your work. Despite taking a free verse approach to your assessment, you have applied a structure to your poem and allocated stanzas for collating your ideas.

- Literary techniques are being utilised effectively and indicate your research, planning and drafting processes accordingly. I liked the symbolism you integrated in the poem and how they correlated with your overarching representation of the paradox.

- An authentic voice and persona is evident in your poem from your use of Plain English. It was refreshing to read a simplistic and straightforward style of writing that helped me to empathise and engage in your persona's experiences. I would definitely suggest keeping it this way to draw focus from your marker into the sophistication of your ideas, instead of writing in a more flowery style that makes it all about language.

General Feedforward

- I have noticed an absence of punctuation in your poem. Was this a creative choice? If so, could you perhaps provide in the annotations (which I assume are being marked by the teacher as your explanation for poetic choices) to confirm that? Otherwise, I would strongly encourage manipulating with punctuation to deliver different impacts to certain lines or words. In poetry, you're not limited to just the traditional functions of full stops and commas; be experimental with how they are used and where you place them. You could also consider using hyphens for pauses and emphasise the intense parts of your poem with exclamation marks. These are some ways you can show your awareness for literary features and how they operate in your construction of text.

- As of current, I struggled to identify a real flow to your poem's subject matter. The first and last lines make sense but there isn't a clear narrative about the human experience moving in it. The stanzas are almost entirely independent and need a common thread, a way to link them together. You could try shuffling them around like fragments to rearrange the structure and see if they work in a different order or implementing a motif that manifests in all of them to ensure cohesion and fluidity. If you decide on building a motif, divinity or the science of humour (describing laughter, smiling etc.) would be the most practical to work with based on your title and your paradox respectively.

- If you haven't exceeded the word limit for the task, I would suggest developing more on the idea of humour being a barrier for emotional vulnerability. You can look at this notion and expand on it further with another two or three stanzas interspersed throughout the poem. They can help to provide more depth to your existing poem and clarify that paradox you are exploring better.

- If your annotations are going to be submitted as a part of the assessment, do try and link all your analyses to the rubric. You did it well in the first annotation for the first line and right now, you do a great job at justifying your overall poetic intentions and what you want the poem to convey but the paradox could be more obviously woven throughout them. Using the rubric terms such as individual, collective, motivations, inconsistencies and so forth can inform the marker that you have referred to the module itself to gain inspiration.


I hope my feedback was helpful! Let me know if there's any questions you have and good luck for the assessment  :)

Angelina  ;D
« Last Edit: December 04, 2018, 12:08:57 am by angewina_naguen »
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ushna

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Re: English Standard "Texts and Human exeprineces" Poem
« Reply #2 on: December 04, 2018, 09:31:31 pm »
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Hi.
Thank you so much for the feedback you have given me. I really appreciate that you took time to read my poem and gave me some feedback. In the feedback you said about humour beingan emotional vulnerability and that i can expand on that. You also said about being humour as a motif and that i can elaborate my paradox more. How can i do all these. I did try to add in the motif and extended metaohor of a clown and the roses since they are are associated with happiness. But i think that it it's not clear. I am really sttuggling and your help would mean a lot to me.

Thank you so much one again
« Last Edit: December 04, 2018, 11:54:05 pm by ushna »

angewina_naguen

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Re: English Standard "Texts and Human exeprineces" Poem
« Reply #3 on: December 04, 2018, 11:58:41 pm »
+5
Hi.
Thank you so much for the feedback you have given me. I really appreciate that you took time to read my poem and gave me some feedback. In the feedback you said about humour beingan emotional vulnerability and that i can expand on that. You also said about being humour as a motif and that i can elaborate my paradox more. How can i do all these. I am really struggling and your help would mean a lot to me.

Thank you so much one again

Hey, ushna  ;D

I hope that the feedback has been helpful for your assessment  :) As for your questions, my suggestions are to make your concept and paradox be more apparent and obvious in your poem. Reading it in isolation, I could not really see the paradox you have elected in the poem. What you could do to rectify this is to bring humour and its intrinsic link to sadness, as you have chosen to write about, to the forefront i.e. make it more present.

Suggested Ideas

Emotional Vulnerability

Persona asking the reader for a way to be protected from sadness
- Using pronouns such as "you" to engage the reader in your paradox.
- Feel free to have your persona desperately speak to the reader and question them how the happiest people can also be the saddest. You can establish your awareness for your audience and directly tell them what the paradox is.

A possible motif

Laughter as a double edged sword
- Sadness and nightmares countered by humour, though attempts are futile, at least internally for the persona as "nightmares (have turned) into reality."
- Sadness is such a powerful emotion in the human experience that even when it is supposedly defeated by people being funny, it still does damage to them.
- This one could work well since you already have "bullets" and really intense connections in your persona with their skin.


There's an article I encountered on the darkness in laughter which I have attached below  :) It might provide a great stimulus for brainstorming and to propel you forward with your writing.
https://theconversation.com/the-science-of-laughter-and-why-it-also-has-a-dark-side-76463

What you can do to make this all easier is write out what you want to communicate in your poem first and then translate all of that metaphorically/into a poetic form. It really only needs another two or three stanzas to increase the length and solidify what it is you are aiming to say in your poem about human behaviours, in this instance. If you need any more help, let me know  ;D I'll add more ideas in the thread below if I think of anything else in the next day or two.

Angelina  ;D
« Last Edit: December 05, 2018, 12:01:38 am by angewina_naguen »
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ushna

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Re: English Standard "Texts and Human exeprineces" Poem
« Reply #4 on: December 05, 2018, 12:35:06 am »
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Thank you for that. I am so confused. If you were to write a poem on this paradox, how would you approach it?
I am sorry for bothering you but i really need help.

angewina_naguen

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Re: English Standard "Texts and Human exeprineces" Poem
« Reply #5 on: December 05, 2018, 12:08:48 pm »
+7
Thank you for that. I am so confused. If you were to write a poem on this paradox, how would you approach it?
I am sorry for bothering you but i really need help.

Hey, ushna!

No worries at all! Iím happy to help out where I can  ;D If I were to write a poem for the paradox you have chosen, I would probably aim to have a cyclical or reverse piece that returns to the paradox but presents the alternative perspective. Paradoxes are essentially that  :) For example, I could possibly structure three longer stanzas with extensive use of enjambment to keep the flow going. I would then take the paradox as structural inspiration and have my first stanza on laughter, my middle as a transition stanza looking at how sadness and laughter are interconnected, and my final stanza on sadness. I would interweave the double edged sword motif, for example, throughout each stanza and link it to how human emotions, no matter how extremely different they are, have a common link (in this case, as a weapon that can damage you regardless of how it is used). This way, I look at your paradox literally and express how the funniest people can also be the saddest.

What I would then do is write the poem with the intention of having it also being able to be read backwards. I would make sure that everything I write can be reversed in meaning and play with the idea of negativity and emotional vulnerability being countered by humor when the reader reads it from the bottom to the top instead.

If you like the idea of a reverse poem structure, I have a link showing you how other people have done it. It will probably make more sense what Iím saying if you look at these examples.  ;D I hope it piquets your interest somehow! https://www.heart.co.uk/news/quirky/reverse-poems-that-confuse-amaze-wonder/

This is definitely not the only way you can approach writing this poem of yours but itís one that I came up with on the spot  ;D I hope this helps! Do let me know if thereís anything else you are struggling with  :)

Angelina  :)
« Last Edit: December 05, 2018, 12:10:19 pm by angewina_naguen »
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ushna

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Re: English Standard "Texts and Human exeprineces" Poem
« Reply #6 on: December 05, 2018, 07:22:31 pm »
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Hi
Thank you so much and sorry for asking too many questions. One last question, for this task, we were supposed to choose an abstract visual image that does not directly link with our paradox and try to link with our paradox. Can you please have a  look at my analysis and give me some feedback.
Thank you

angewina_naguen

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Re: English Standard "Texts and Human exeprineces" Poem
« Reply #7 on: December 06, 2018, 09:35:35 pm »
+6
Hey again!

I've provided the rest of your feedback for your analysis in the attachment below. I'm not sure what your word count limit is or if there's any other requirements for the task that I should be aware of so take whatever feedback is applicable and disregard anything that might not have any benefit  8)

General Feedback

- I think choosing Edvard Munch's The Scream was a bold choice since it's such a well known image but it works well with what the task demands of you (i.e to link a visual that has no direct link at all)  :) It is a suitable image for your paradox and a great thing about artworks is that it is always possible to derive meanings from them that may not be as immediately associated for most, but can be justified if you execute it properly.
- You show engagement in the image and a thorough understanding of its contents. The analysis you have derived from it is strong and interesting, serving its purpose well in relating back to the paradox. I can definitely see that you have become involved in your visual image and that you are deciphering it in an original analysis accordingly.

General Feedforward

- I would recommend, firstly, have an introduction paragraph detailing your elected paradox, how it fits with the Human Experiences Module and then just another sentence saying something about how the chosen image encapsulate your understanding of it. I know it's not an essay you're being asked to write but an introduction, and also a conclusion at the end, would just reaffirm to the marker that you know what the module is about and that you aim to prove how the image is related to it.
- Grammar and punctuation is an area that needs improvement and attention. I feel like it's expected in senior year that everyone has amazing grammar and punctuation but I know it's definitely not the case and that's totally okay. I have presented some corrections and suggestions which you can choose to take on board in revisiting your draft. If you need further help with grammar and punctuation, consult a private tutor or someone who might be able to focus specifically on helping you refine that because it is crucial that you do for the HSC.
- Right now, your analysis is structured based on techniques which slightly limits its scope for discussion. I would recommend basing it more thematically and having paragraphs with themes that relate to your paradox (for example, a paragraph on these: happiness vs sadness, emotional vulnerability, the shock of reality etc.). The analysis itself is quite well done but it needs to be better structured to have a sense of flow.
- I mention this a few times in the comments but your analysis needs to be more "English-centred." I've presented you with ways you can do that for certain sentences and hope that they make sense. If you need tips on how to write more formally for the future, I would strongly recommend looking at some exemplar essays in the Notes Section for AN. Leading from that point, you need to link all your points of analysis back to the Texts and Human Experiences Module. As of current, the analysis is really technical but references to the rubric terminology and the guidelines of the module are really limited. It would be a good idea to revise your rubric and select appropriate words from there to incorporate into your analysis so that it's an analysis that responds to the module directly.

The rest of my feedback is in the document. I hope it's comprehensive enough and that it will help you in finalising this assessment task  :)  Just remember that my feedback is only as relevant and useful as you make of it. The best person you can ask for help from in improving your work is your teacher so do try and arrange to see your English teacher during recess or lunch to get their opinion on your work at this stage. It's more beneficial to seek multiple people for advice and feedback, especially if they are more professional and qualified, than rely solely on one  :D You can maximise your performance with more eyes. Good luck with the assessment, ushna!

Angelina  :D

« Last Edit: December 06, 2018, 09:37:51 pm by angewina_naguen »
-HSC 2018-
| Advanced English (94) | Extension 1 English (48) | Extension 2 English (46) | Music 2 (83) | Visual Arts (93) | Society and Culture (93) | Modern History (89) |

-ATAR-
97.50

-Dream Course-
Bachelor of Music (Music Education) at the Sydney Conservatorium of Music