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December 10, 2018, 09:29:06 pm

Author Topic: The Depresso Expresso (fun_jirachi's HSC Journey)  (Read 1846 times)

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fun_jirachi

  • MOTM: AUG 2018
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Re: The Depresso Expresso (fun_jirachi's HSC Journey)
« Reply #30 on: November 09, 2018, 10:49:51 pm »
+3
Totally mundane week, literally nothing happened :'(

I did tonk this guy playing tennis on Saturday and Physics is getting super interesting (big yes ;D) and I did a ton of fitness on Wednesday because it rained (still sore) but nothing really happened. There aren't going to be any exams for a while and even then I only have two in about two and a half weeks because of NESA's only one exam thing (which is going to be our trial HSC). so now is sort of like that 'grace period' where nothing happens and I just happen to procrastinate a lot, and get around a week ahead on physics while getting two weeks behind on chemistry. Outside of this though I'm really starting to feel the pressure in terms of homework (its a whole different level, especially factoring in procrastination) and i essentially waste the time i should be doing/catching up on homework staring at a wall/walking around feeling sad and wondering what i'm doing. Also having semi-existential crises when i do this (sort of a why, send help sort of thing, but nothing too major yet) but if this is sorta chill i can only imagine what's to come. I really should knuckle down instead of staring at walls :'(

Hope everyone had a great week, HSC's over amirite  ;D ;D
Failing everything, but I'm still Flareon up.

HSC 2018: Modern History | 2U Maths
HSC 2019: Physics | Chemistry | English Advanced | Maths Extension 1 | Maths Extension 2

fun_jirachi

  • MOTM: AUG 2018
  • Forum Obsessive
  • ***
  • Posts: 259
  • All doom and Gloom.
  • Respect: +170
Re: The Depresso Expresso (fun_jirachi's HSC Journey)
« Reply #31 on: December 01, 2018, 06:40:15 pm »
+5
I noticed I haven't updated this in just over three weeks and in that timeframe I feel like a lot has happened and nothing happened at the same time.
Sure like nothing new happened (going back and forth to and from school, training, playing tennis, homework, exams, bantering with friends) but especially the last one just aint as fun anymore a lot of the time. Like sure the second last one happened, and it was Task 1 (it wasn't even that bad [maths was kinda easy], though I may have spoken too soon [hey english? ;)]) and also sure the third last one also happened (physics is way more fun than chem now, so at one point i was two weeks ahead on phys homework and four weeks behind on chem, two weeks ahead on procrastination  ;D) but the 'a lot has happened' screws with my brain.

So uh to explain we have story time  :) (excuse the language, it's a legit story and my emotional spectrum literally exploded) (also sorry if it's really long, skip to the end if you don't want to read a depressing drag, i'm legit fine now [not a fake im fine])

Okay so about a few weeks back I was stewed. Like i was really freakin pissed. I didn't want to do anything, and nothing that previously had significance had significance any more. I remember it was a friday as well because I got to school late that day, and class starts at 9:25 instead of the usual 9:00 (but that's not the point, i just wanted to say it was friday that day). like i said before in this post that bantering wasn't as fun, but like i was a stonefaced POS at breaktimes, and like I was hiding inside myself. I pretended to laugh, and theres no other way to say it, I was legit dead inside. i felt like a shell. i looked like a depressed POS walking through the corridors as well, like my Year Adviser asked me if I was okay, friends did that too, but I brushed it off with a 'Yeah I'm fine dude (to my friends)/ Miss/Sir (to my teachers)'. it's something i always do always have done and i hate myself every time i do that, but i don't stop doing that. and honestly that day I wasn't fine.

Well that's the context, but uh there's more to the story. So in the afternoon i was still dead inside in a stupid ass depressive reverie. I was pissed at myself the most really. i didn't want to be around people, and let's just say this really sucked. so on a regular day we get a school bus to central station right (usually roughly 800-900 kids go to central, maybe 700-800 actually take the bus, the rest just walk, it's not terrible, its just a 20min slow person walk). Usually i feel lazy, or i want to go with friends, so i take the bus. if i walk it's usually because i a) am not lazy b) want to play Pokemon GO without getting 'You're going too fast!!!!!' or c) the buses are screwed. That day i was just so mad and so dead at the same time i literally stormed off as soon as the 3:15 bell rang and then i walked like a person who's half learning how to walk, and half drunk, (super slow and hunched over, absolutely shitfaced). And to get to central we cross South Dowling St, and parts of it are basically free speedways where it's a 60 zone but people go 70 or 80 if it's super open and 8o-one cares. Basically I was really angry and selfish, and I didn't really feel anything. I must not have seen or heard anything either, because I crossed South Dowling St when I wasn't watching, trailing a bunch of cackling juniors and this car which was almost definitely speeding, but that doesn't matter if it was speeding. I was walking really slow, and the red flashing light must've stopped, because my ass nearly got nailed by that car. Around a second too long on the road, I was gone.

I got to the pavement and I turned around, realising what just happened. 'holy shit. holy fucking shit. are you fucking kidding me. i literally nearly fucking died. what the actual fuck!?!?! no way dude, OH my GOSH' (direct quote, tbh when you nearly die you remember everything you say). After that like i reconsidered a lot of stuff. Mentally i deteriorated a lot, though no-one really noticed. I was really happy on the outside by inside i was as dead as i was that day before the car. Sure I was down in the dumps and everything for the most part, and I was super happy for short bursts after that but all i could think about was that for a few weeks.  (This is gonna seem rude, but this is the best way i could think of rn to explain how i felt) Like consider an epileptic seizure, like y'know when dude's head and body goes up and down.. Think about cliffs and valleys, highs and lows emotionally ofc. Let the highs be the ups, the lows the downs. You get the gist. Near death experiences make you think how much life is worth living. The memory doesn't fade away. I finally stopped obssessively thinking about it, but it's always in the back of my mind. That was probably the worst episode I've had, and I've completely mentally broken a few times (absolute crying mess and everything)

(wow! that felt nice getting that off my chest, couldnt think of a better place to get it off, honestly you guys are great)

if you didn't read that chunk of text, im really happy for you, you didnt have to listen to me whine  ;D if you did, great, hope you understand :) but please don't go full counsellor on me rn, i just need to think and that's the last thing i want :)


Hope everyone else feels great, take care of yourselves guys!  ;D


Failing everything, but I'm still Flareon up.

HSC 2018: Modern History | 2U Maths
HSC 2019: Physics | Chemistry | English Advanced | Maths Extension 1 | Maths Extension 2