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September 27, 2020, 04:42:01 am

Author Topic: Poet's Well-being Journal  (Read 32460 times)

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PhoenixxFire

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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #165 on: November 09, 2019, 09:18:43 pm »
+12
Also (not to boast or anything) but I tested positive to the Epsteindidnít kill himself Barr test, which means I have the antibodies created in the presence of glandular fever. From my meagre education in biology, I would take the plunge and say Iíve probably had chronic fatigue as an after-effect of glandular fever, which is actually quite common despite no conclusive evidence on the topic. But sure, refer me to a mothertrucking private dietician healthcare wonít cover. Iíll give it a crack if it gets rid of this constant nausea. Or not.
I would not be so convinced that chronic fatigue is a strong possibility if I didnít already know that I get nauseous when I push myself to exhaustion. A few times through year 12 I pushed myself to the point I would vomit; so, it makes sense?
That actually makes a lot of sense. At least its something to go on, better than having no idea I guess. My brother has CFS (which is possibly caused by a lot of things, none definitively, but one of them is glandular fever where the chronic fatigue afterwards doesn't go away) and it took a very long time of doctors doing tests and trying to explain it by literally anything else before they figured that out. If this has been an ongoing thing (i think it has to be 6 months) then finding a doctor who knows about cfs might get you some actual answers. There isn't really heaps of proven treatment options for chronic fatigue, diet and moderate non strenuous exercise are supposed to help somewhat though.

Outside of work, a friend recently decided they didnít want me in their life. Not too recently; it was just before my last entry actually Ė but it really, really hurts when someone tells you they donít care about you anymore so brutally after almost 9 years. Itís taken a while to sink in but whenever I have time alone, I begin going through everything I could have possibly done to make him feel that way. And at points like today where my mental and physical health suck, itís like Iíve been shot with a poisoned arrow, and it just keeps seeping in. I donít know. I guess getting a girlfriend replaced me in his life.
I still have a hole.
:( I know it's hard for your to believe, but it's not your fault and I hope that you're able to realise that eventually. I am so lucky to have you as a friend and there's nothing you could ever do to make me not care about you. Love you always <3

I donít know. I just feel sick and drained and disheartened with everything. Tomorrow Iíll try to make pancakes and wash my sheets. I washed my clothes today. But what kind of goal is that? I just feel stupid. Stupid, and confused, anxious, and scared. Itís like I grew up young, but thereís still a small child huddling somewhere inside of me as a passenger to everything I do. I just want to close my eyes and disappear. I doubt many people would care too much if I did anyway. Not even people I thought cared, for a long time. Or theyíd care when it became convenient.
I'm impressed if you read all this. Always am. I'll try to remember to write when I'm feeling more positive sometime.
That's the sort of goal that gets you through another day. Big mood though. To quote someone much wiser than me ;) "It's something. It's living." I would care a whole lot poet, I enjoy having you in my life and am better for it, regardless of how you're feeling, I will always care about you. As always, I read every word of this post, and I hope that one day you can learn to trust that there will always be someone who is here to listen and care about you. Enjoy your pancakes <3
2019: B Environment and Sustainability/B Science @ ANU
2020: Just Vibing

Bri MT

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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #166 on: November 09, 2019, 09:40:09 pm »
+15
From my meagre education in biology
hmmm... between a fair few of your friends you probably have a fair bit of exposure to bio, so your education might be more than meagre. We can hope. :)


But what kind of goal is that?

A SMART one? In the past week you've also gotten the SBAT guide done (which you did a great job on btw despite me distracting you for a couple hours with my problems) and written this post up. Yeah, I'm counting actually putting your words out there and hitting the submit button as an achieved goal - it's easy to procrastinate and nonetheless you've done it. More than that, you've gotten through the week. Regardless of how fantastic, terrible, or mundane it was that's one week you won't have to do again.

There's a next one, and that's going to need to be dealt with but I feel like you're doing what you can to prepare for it and it doesn't seem like you have heaps of incomplete tasks from previous weeks to catch up on.

The brain is really good at remembering scary things - we have this whole system involving the amygdala & adrenaline and stuff to enshrine that in our memory and sometimes it's easy for us to remember the terrifying things, have the intrusive thoughts and see the world in shades of dark grey. I don't know how to help you turn the brightness up but I'll sit with you in the dark.

and you know I won't get into a relationship and have my friendships overshadowed

Poet

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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #167 on: November 16, 2019, 08:52:27 pm »
+16
I really, truly appreciate the unconditional kindness on display here. I wanted to reply to these the night I saw them, but better late than never.

/snip/
Hey Rick,

Thank you.
I do have my doubts that I'll ever appreciate fighting with myself and the medical system, but perhaps one day I'll be stronger for the struggles.

Standing with a person who is struggling, lifting them up, letting them know that they have people who care about them, is never rubbish or useless. It can be extremely difficult to remember there are those out there to lean on, especially when your mind tells you there's nothing - no-one. To live that, as you said, and still wake up day after day, can take immense strength in itself.

Be proud of yourself for the power of will you held through those times; and be proud of the understanding and strength it has given you.

/snip/
I've had the noticeable symptoms since December last year (I was in bed for two months) but I can probably trace it back to at earliest the start of year 11/end of year 10. Which would explain a lot haha. I'll have to make another appointment soon but my anxiety is ~ w i l d ~ today so not right now :(
And yeah, re: treatment options, I don't think antidepressants helped bc I got a lot worse on them physical health-wise. Wonder why. Anyway we'll check those off the experimental treatment list.

Love you likewise <3 You mean a lot to me and I hope you know that.

Thank you, I did enjoy my pancakes. I used brown sugar instead of white and it turned out fantastic; never going back. Because you know what? Pancakes are something. They're living. Haha.

/snip/
OK so maybe hanging out on AN... and having best friends who are STEM geniuses... and dating a bio nerd... means I have more than a meagre knowledge hehe

Thanks for sitting with me, again. Love you <3
oh damn some sneaky shade here if I'm interpreting correctly, I like that


I'm feeling a little better now. A little. Still working on it, don't you worry.
It's Saturday. We're slowly getting through the weeks, I'm just looking forward to the end of year break. It's a little bit jolting going straight from school breaks (4 term breaks of two weeks with an extra month between years) to working (no breaks except for public holidays and accrued leave/unpaid leave). Or maybe it would be a bigger jolt from uni? Not sure.

The world is about to begin to speed up very soon, so I thought I'd make an update before it all starts.

I've had the goal to move out of home in January for a while. At the same time, I've been concerned about my health throughout that process and the sustainability of such a venture. Luckily, I have a stable job and have been saving more than I planned for in budgeting so far; I'm actually more than 1.5K ahead of my goal (watch that go back down to predicted when Christmas comes crashing in!) and I'll be inspecting a potential property on Tuesday.
Wild.

Going hiking for the first time in a long time tomorrow, too - I've been feeling OK this past week health-wise and basically all of today was just resting, so hopefully I'll have the strength to take a longer trail. I'm so excited and it's probably the only thing I've genuinely looked forward to (like REALLY) in what feels like forever. I wish I had more time to go out and do things like walk for ages in the quiet forest.

The world is so vast; I don't know what to do with it. Some parts I hate, and some parts I love. I haven't told anyone this but honestly, a large part of me wants to move somewhere isolated and look after disadvantaged and orphaned people. I think my maternal side is coming out and I hate it. Stop producing oxytocin every single time you see a baby, body. Thanks.

I worked with autistic children (from the ages of 15-16) for the first time a few days ago and helped them through a test designed to gauge their abilities to complete a Cert. II. They were so good and I absolutely loved it by the end; sitting for more than an hour with one student went by like it was 15 minutes. I have been told that I'm good with kids before, I guess it might come naturally from being in a family of 5 children? I don't think I could do it every day but I think that working with people with intellectual disabilities is something I could do very well, and find rewarding. I might just see if I can volunteer some time to a school or become a support worker for the company I'm already at. Maybe even complete a qualification, when I'm more set on a decision. I don't know. My mind is flashing back and forth between a lot of things because I've been finding a lack of passion for any set profession, and that makes me feel lost and afraid of what the future holds for my career.

Anyway that's all. Love you all. Please put brown sugar in your pancake mixtures.
I will take responsibility for what I have done. If I must fall, I will rise each time a better man.
Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

Poet

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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #168 on: January 31, 2020, 10:36:02 pm »
+13
It's been a couple months.

To summarise, here's what happened:

- My work very suddenly shut down after losing a government grant, and I was given a weeks' notice. Thankfully, I was called back to complete the archiving. I had 8 days before I didn't have a job.
- Went on a holiday for a couple of weeks and had the time of my life. Had to evacuate due to fires but that holiday was my first time away from family outside of school for 19 years.
- Visited my grandparents in NSW for a weekend after learning grandpa has cancer. Hated the trip but love them.
- Lay in bed a lot
- Can't get another job because I'm incapable of hitting the 'apply' button without crying
- Turned down an interview and then cried all night
- Running. Running physically and mentally. I'm never home anymore.
- Was hot today, am stimky.

Where do I start, hey?

My head is such a dark, messy tangle. Like a ball of string, or a pair of earphones left in your pocket for too long. It seems Iíve begun to recycle analogies in an effort to describe the altschmerz. Weltschmerz. Iím weary. And it seems like wherever I find rest, itís all temporary.

I havenít updated in a long time because itís all the same. A cycle of short bursts of joy before long periods of hurt and sickness. Life has lost itís meaning. Positive affirmations feel like lies. My world has been so dark, and I donít know how to cope.

Of course Iím still here. Iím still trying, with the energy I have. Which is why I started running. Which is why I just washed my clothes for the first time in weeks. Which is why Iím writing.
ĎĒCaN a DePrEsSeD pErSoN dO tHiS?!?!?Ē She wheezes, folding her crumpled laundry at 1am as her dirty cup collection watches on disdainfully.'

If I canít convince myself that life is worth it, god damn Iím going to let others try to convince me. I can't see the meaning of it all now, but I've seen it before. I'm hoping I'll be able to see it again soon.
« Last Edit: January 31, 2020, 10:38:31 pm by Poet »
I will take responsibility for what I have done. If I must fall, I will rise each time a better man.
Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

w0lfqu33n89

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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #169 on: January 31, 2020, 10:50:39 pm »
+5
love you girlie xx


Bri MT

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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #170 on: January 31, 2020, 11:28:37 pm »
+11
Hey Poet,

If we go with the tangled up string and earphones metaphor, the earphones may get tangled up in your pocket but that doesn't stop them from being great at serenading you with music or other sounds. They might get tangled up again but they also might be folded away neatly or wrapped around some gadget. Unlike string or earphones you can make decisions to influence your state and be tangled less. I know it's hard, really really hard sometimes and sometimes it seems futile but I have seen you go through these cycles before and you have always pulled yourself out. Slipping back down sucks but I absolutely believe that you have been having a general upwards trend and even if you hadn't I would still believe in you & your resilience. That being said, you had - in your own words - "the time of your life" earlier this year and I think that's a nifty piece of evidence for the upwards trend.

I love your resilience, your insight, your kindness, your empathy, your initiative, your wisdom, your creativity, your ability to id birds (ok that might seem out of place in this list but seriously it's great) ... I could keep going but there are too many aspects of you for me to list them all. You might think that your bright light is dampened by the darkness but that's not how these things work. Clouds in the sky don't stop stars from existing even when they block them and make it harder to remember where they are. Similarly, even when you can't see the positives and they are harder to remember they are still there.

The meaning I hold to in my life is doing my best to live by my core values & thus help make the world a better place. I can't tell you what should act as your guide, but I can tell you that although being able to articulate my guide has helped me, it hasn't changed my value or the value of my communities to me - only provided a reference frame for how I perceive things. The point I'm trying to get out here is that it's ok - albeit sometimes scary -  to not have a clear idea of why life is worth it and what meaning it holds to you, since that can change perceived value but your true value is undefinable and immutable.

Thank you for sharing and thank you for trying. Love you

Poet

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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #171 on: April 08, 2020, 02:11:06 pm »
+20
Hi dearest friends. How are you? I hope youíre loving yourself through the lockdowns and cancellations and stress. Have you had something to eat today? Some water? Stand up, walk around, stretch out your neck and release the tension from your shoulders. Itís all going to be okay. Youíre making your way through this week as best you can. Well done. Iím proud of you.

Itís time to come clean about something Ė I havenít been doing okay in a long time. And I shouldnít have stopped writing. Itís one of those things we become complacent about so easily. Over time, I forget this is good for me.
So, yeah. I ended up in hospital for 2 weeks before being transferred to a sort of halfway home. Iím currently in rehab and Iíve been put on new medications and Iím doing alright. While I was in hospital I wasnít able to go out and run, so Iíve been building my fitness back up for the past week or so. Yesterday I did my first rep session alone which is an improvement, but I also have been finding it difficult to eat and find motivation to do much. My sleep has been improving though and Iím only having nightmares every few nights as opposed to every single night as I was before being admitted.

My health workers are really understanding, lovely people and Iím grateful to end up in such a gentle and supportive environment. I didnít think the public system would be good, but Iíve been very lucky in ending up in a place that has been right for me.

The whole world is just so crazy at the moment. I feel lost and itís going to be so much harder now to find a job and progress from here. I donít want to end up in the same loop again. I donít want to be broken, but I am, and itís hard to accept that I canít work on fixing it as much as I want to right now. But itís also important to remember that ďthis too shall passĒ, as my great grandmother used to say. The world keeps spinning. The darkness will always break. No matter how black the night, the sun will shine again.

Now, I think itís important in a recovery sense to remind ourselves of things we are grateful for, no matter how small. SoÖ Iím grateful for having a safe place to be. Iím grateful for strawberries. And Iím grateful for friends.

I think thatís all for now. Maybe Iíll try to keep updating and writing more about my feelings and thoughts again. Itís still a bit like trying to untangle wet spaghetti but itíll get better. I donít want to die today. Maybe just sleep for a long, long time. But thatís still an improvement.
I will take responsibility for what I have done. If I must fall, I will rise each time a better man.
Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

w0lfqu33n89

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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #172 on: April 08, 2020, 02:33:48 pm »
+16
Never feel like you have to keep updating, if its something you love doing the by all means write away honey! but remember to put yourself first. Don't worry about a job, it will come, the future is in your hands and is all up to you. worry about the now, worry about you. All you should be focusing on is those strawberries, yourself and your mindset, and we are all here to help. Thats a promise.

To join in on the reminding of what we are grateful for. I am grateful for my bed, I am grateful for friends and I am grateful for YOU. I know its all your hearing at the moment but keep your head up. Generally in these times it's hard to find the motivation to do certain things like get out of bed, or go for a walk or eat something, but you won't regret it, I promise. Set small goals. If you wake up and have a shower and all you want to do is go back to bed? that's ok, tell yourself to eat something first even a few grapes! (hehe) even if you make a meal and don't eat it all its ok, but after that then have a nap. Make goals. Little ones are good to start with, each day add a new goal. Today it might be the goal to get out of bed, tomorrow it might be get out of bed and wash some clothes, or wash your hair. Its ok if they are small.

Love you sister. You can do it. <3 :)

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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #173 on: July 19, 2020, 01:06:44 pm »
+18
Hello lovely people <3

... Make goals. Little ones are good to start with, each day add a new goal. Today it might be the goal to get out of bed, tomorrow it might be get out of bed and wash some clothes, or wash your hair. Its ok if they are small.

Love you sister. You can do it. <3 :)

Love you too, sis. I'm doing it. Thanks to you. And others.

I've hit a point where progress is visible to me. That's a big thing. I've taken my time to rest, recover, heal, and find new meaning.
My last entry was written from a one-bedroom, no kitchen apartment on the second story of a house filled with some of the saddest people I'll ever know. Living day to day purely because nurses would feed them. Drugged to oblivion. Listless. I was one of them for a while, and still am sometimes. But now I'm home, and supported, I'm finding comfort in a life I never wanted.

I'm still jobless. It's a setback, but not an impossible barrier. There's more to life than just making a wage, and to be hyper-fixated on the daily 9-5 grind is unreasonable. When the opportunity comes, I'll grasp it in both hands. But for now, my progress is internal and slow and confusing, and a working life isn't sustainable. So instead of getting a job, I've applied to do a Cert. IV in Companion Animal Services. Full time is two days a week of classes and study, so it's a good option for someone like me trying to work themselves out of a foggy depressive mindset. I've already been given an offer and orientation is in 6 days. I made phone calls by myself, went through application tests and made long-term commitments I never would have been able to make even a few months ago.

I've also been taking Pilates classes. Again, something I never would have been able to do. Something enjoyable and worthwhile. It forces me to get out of the house and go somewhere. Keep my anxiety under control. And it's a medical appointment so even in these lockdowns I'm able to go get some exercise and tips on keeping myself in shape.

Just little things; what seems like nothing to a healthy individual. But it's huge for me, and I can safely say now that I'm proud of myself for being here even if it wasn't my plan. And I owe the fact that I still exist to people I met through AN. That's huge.

I'm setting calendar reminders to write my thoughts down when I can. I've got another shot at life because of this site; might as well let it know how I'm doing with it.
I will take responsibility for what I have done. If I must fall, I will rise each time a better man.
Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

Bri MT

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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #174 on: July 19, 2020, 09:30:25 pm »
+12


I'm incredibly grateful for each time you made the choice to keep sticking around and I'm so proud of each push you've made towards a better life. Additionally, signing up for a new course and entering a new exercise routine (let alone working on doing the introspection work) is never nothing.

I don't have much to say rn but I hope you can read the meaning and emotion I'm trying to put into this, and thank you for sharing this with us.

Poet

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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #175 on: July 22, 2020, 05:12:32 pm »
+17


I have to say I didn't really have much of a choice in the matter when I was admitted, but I'm glad now I wasn't given the choice.

Hi.
I promised myself I'd update this if I was feeling a bit down and thought it would help, so here I am again.
I've noticed my mood worsening over the past couple of days and this morning I woke up nauseous and sick of the world's crap. If you've been reading my journal since last year, you'll probably know I struggle with bouts of fatigue, dizziness and sickness along with clinical anxiety and depression. It's very unlikely to be COVID as the symptoms don't align and I've been self-isolating. I've been lucky to see those pop up less regularly for a little while, but today I'm very shaky and kind of yuck. I managed to pull myself out of bed for my physiotherapist's Pilates class but it didn't feel productive (rest in peace the 40 bucks I spent on that session) because I just felt so ill and couldn't focus on the instructions well. It's okay though, I'll be better next week.

I'm really, really scared about starting this course. I know I'll like it but it's been really difficult to shake the constant "what ifs" my brain likes to lob around. What if they forget about you and don't send the class information? What if you get too scared to speak in class? What if they need our cameras on? What if my classmates don't like me? What if I drop out? What if I fail? Around and around. I've been trying to push them out of my head but the only way to get rid of them is to find out, I guess.
I'm glad I rely on drugs to sleep because otherwise I wouldn't be getting a single wink for the next two nights UwU

Uuuuuh what else? I know, we'll put some positives in here.
I've been having some fun Netflix and Stan binges recently after yoinking the login deets to my partner's account huehuehue, just finished S2 of Sex Education and he and I are watching Stranger Things together! I've never seen it so the excitement is real. I'm also back to running twice a week which is a vastly lesser amount than I was, but hopefully it will help me feel a bit less stressed. And my best friend just called, and she's the best. I forget how important it is to keep in touch with the people you love, and how much better the world seems when they're there; even if it's just on a phone screen.

And hey. Even if today the best thing you can think of is being unconscious, tomorrow always holds the promise of something better.
Always.
I will take responsibility for what I have done. If I must fall, I will rise each time a better man.
Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

w0lfqu33n89

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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #176 on: July 22, 2020, 06:20:35 pm »
+9
Heyo best-friend :)))), looks like I called you at just the right time <3.

I know im still in high school so not sure if anyone else here can draw on this more, but ive been told @ uni people make friends but its also easy to stick to yourself (if thats what you prefer). Ofc with every new thing there will be the anxious nerves and the fear of the unknown, but see this as a new start, a new focus. Something to invest in that leaves you with benefits for your future.

Creds to getting out of bed and going to pilates today, so proud of ya sis! Even if you felt like you wasted that $40. Guess who still got up and got herself there? YOU! Thats a goal in itself.

Love a Netflix and Stan binge! (100% the reason my grades are slipping!) but definitely recommend Pretty Little Liars (Netflix), Teen wolf (Stan). atm im binging Vampire Diaries and I am acquiring a Damon Salvatore obsession so all the tiki's toks im seeing about him finally make sense!

Good that your running again, dont stress about the amount. Twice a week is still great + pilates, you're doing better than most of us! Keep it up honey, super proud of you :) I always am.

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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #177 on: August 09, 2020, 04:43:43 pm »
+14
Iíve made a few attempts at writing this entry over the past couple of weeks, but I just havenít been able to. I guess the timing was justÖ wrong. But itís right now.

Whatís happened since my last entry? Not much. Iíve been home for all of it. Not really much to do. My course is taking up my Thursdays and Fridays now, and Iíve been working on my first graded assessment task due this Friday. WHS is boring and basically common sense in lawyer speak so the fact that Iím finding it difficult to translate into my own words has left me frustrated. Anxious about my performance and if Iíll pass. I donít know. At least my classmates are quite lovely, I did a couple hours of study with one yesterday and sheís a very open and kind individual. It puts me more at ease to know someone else doing the course rather than being all alone.

My physio work is still going on and Iíve been trying to get out of the house to just go for a walk on my non-running days. Iíve been feeling trapped and it helps a little bit, even if I canít go far. Thankfully I think the progressive workload Iíve been following has been good and my knee hasnít played up at all during or after any sessions. I keep forgetting to ask my coach to place me back on a guided schedule though! (I just did it because I remembered while writing this post haha.) After finishing this Iíll go for a walk/jog for maybe half an hour.

Emotionally, Iím a bit of a wreck. Up and down like a see-saw all day, every day. Right now I feel tired and headachey and sad, but earlier I felt energetic and cheery. I slept 12 hours for the first time in forever, Iíve eaten, I donít know why I feel like I do. I guess processing emotions is busy work.

Thereís not really anything else to write about. So I guess thatís Poet, signing off.
I will take responsibility for what I have done. If I must fall, I will rise each time a better man.
Dealing with Year 12 - Put Your Mental Health at the Forefront
A Little Guide to Healthy Eating

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Re: Poet's Well-being Journal
« Reply #178 on: August 10, 2020, 10:35:23 am »
+4
Hope you feel better... don't know what else to say.
Stay safe.
:)
VCE 2018-2020
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