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Author Topic: Free SOR Essay Marking!  (Read 38279 times)

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jamonwindeyer

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Free SOR Essay Marking!
« on: February 19, 2016, 08:58:48 pm »
If you'd like your essay marked, you won't be able to post it until you make an ATAR Notes account here. Once you've done that, a little 'reply' button will come up when you're viewing threads, and you'll be able to copy and paste your essay and post it up here for us to mark!

Hey everyone!! Welcome to the SOR Marking Thread. This thread is here for you to get feedback on your essays from a Band 6 student. This resource exists to help you guys make huge improvements on your essay writing... Too often, teachers just write "good" or "needs explaining" or "expand". SUPER. FRUSTRATING. This is a place to properly improve :) :) :)

Before posting, please read the essay marking rules/rationale here.

Post away, and happy studies!!  ;D ;D
« Last Edit: August 04, 2017, 08:38:14 pm by jamonwindeyer »

bmyeung

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #1 on: February 20, 2016, 12:50:15 am »
Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I just need more things to keep me busy but I'm in year 12 doing the hsc...I did 2U SOR accelerated last year and progressed immensely from 75% in first assessment to a band 6 (94 I think?) in the HSC.

Any chance I can be involved in essay marking? Will offer my extensive and somewhat irrelevant-to-life knowledge to people at school otherwise. At that point where hindsight says 'I had a good year - so I may as well use the random facts hammered into my brain to help others'.

That's all from me, good luck everyone - HSC and elsewhere - WE'RE ALL GONNA SMASH IT, LET'S DO THIS LEGENDS
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brenden

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #2 on: February 20, 2016, 09:14:34 am »
Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I just need more things to keep me busy but I'm in year 12 doing the hsc...I did 2U SOR accelerated last year and progressed immensely from 75% in first assessment to a band 6 (94 I think?) in the HSC.

Any chance I can be involved in essay marking? Will offer my extensive and somewhat irrelevant-to-life knowledge to people at school otherwise. At that point where hindsight says 'I had a good year - so I may as well use the random facts hammered into my brain to help others'.

That's all from me, good luck everyone - HSC and elsewhere - WE'RE ALL GONNA SMASH IT, LET'S DO THIS LEGENDS
Would legitimately love for you to be involved in essay marking- love your attitude! Congratulations on the fantastic mark :)
✌️just do what makes you happy ✌️

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #3 on: February 20, 2016, 10:03:12 am »
Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I just need more things to keep me busy but I'm in year 12 doing the hsc...I did 2U SOR accelerated last year and progressed immensely from 75% in first assessment to a band 6 (94 I think?) in the HSC.

Any chance I can be involved in essay marking? Will offer my extensive and somewhat irrelevant-to-life knowledge to people at school otherwise. At that point where hindsight says 'I had a good year - so I may as well use the random facts hammered into my brain to help others'.

That's all from me, good luck everyone - HSC and elsewhere - WE'RE ALL GONNA SMASH IT, LET'S DO THIS LEGENDS

Absolutely would love you to be involved! Would love the experience of a 2U SOR student, what were your options?

heids

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #4 on: February 20, 2016, 11:26:02 pm »
Maybe I'm crazy

Yup.  You'll fit right in on ATAR Notes.

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rjkim

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #5 on: February 22, 2016, 09:50:11 am »
Hi! Thanks so much for doing this! You guys are all legends... I'm not really sure how to "post on thread" so just really hoping that this works! My attachment is my essay on Christianity (Hildegard, Baptism and Enviro ethics).
Could I have help in my introduction, conclusion, and how to shorten down on content? I'm a little concerned as I'm not doing to well in SOR and need to bump up my average... haha thanks heaps!  :)

Rach

brenden

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #6 on: February 22, 2016, 09:57:55 am »
Hi! Thanks so much for doing this! You guys are all legends... I'm not really sure how to "post on thread" so just really hoping that this works! My attachment is my essay on Christianity (Hildegard, Baptism and Enviro ethics).
Could I have help in my introduction, conclusion, and how to shorten down on content? I'm a little concerned as I'm not doing to well in SOR and need to bump up my average... haha thanks heaps!  :)

Rach
Just confirming that it worked :)
✌️just do what makes you happy ✌️

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #7 on: February 22, 2016, 01:37:47 pm »
Hi! Thanks so much for doing this! You guys are all legends... I'm not really sure how to "post on thread" so just really hoping that this works! My attachment is my essay on Christianity (Hildegard, Baptism and Enviro ethics).
Could I have help in my introduction, conclusion, and how to shorten down on content? I'm a little concerned as I'm not doing to well in SOR and need to bump up my average... haha thanks heaps!  :)

Rach

Hey Rach! Thanks for posting, I've attached your essay below with a few comments throughout. As requested, I focused on the Intro/Conclusion  ;D

Spoiler
Discuss the relationship between at least two of the aspects and the way they contribute to Christianity as a living religious tradition.

There are many aspects of Christian life that significantly contribute to Christianity as a living religious tradition. What is a living religious tradition? This should be defined first. Aspects include significant people such as Hildegard von Bingen, environmental ethics and significant practices such as Baptism. I would identify that 'environmental ethics' is an ethical teaching, just to link it to that part of the syllabus like you have done the other two aspects. These aspects all prompt an adherent to follow the Lord’s word as well as combining the ideals and essence of Christian life, which is living in the Kingdom of God, thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition. A good sentence which links living tradition with the aspects of Christianity. However, it doesn't read objectively. What I mean by this is, it reads as though it is written by a Catholic. Now you attend a Catholic school, as did I, and lots of people at Catholic schools have trouble with this. When writing an essay on Christianity, you absolutely must write your essay completely objectively. I think this sentence is raising alarm bells for me due to the phrase 'the Lord's word.' Keep this in mind, be completely objective and analytical.


Hildegard von Bingen an inspirational benedict nun who contributed to Christianity as a living religious tradition by following His word and guiding others to the Kingdom of God. That sentence needs grammar fixes. She was the tenth child of a noble family and was born in Germany 1098. She reinvigorated the mysticism of Christianity through poetry, music and art at a time when philosophy and reason very much dominated intellectual life in Europe, extending the ways Christian adherents felt connected to God. This helped put emotion back into the Christian faith, re-inspiring faith during times of uncertainty, thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition as it says to “preach the word” (2 Timothy 4:2). Good link, and a nice biblical reference, but the wording was not as effective as it could be. Try something like: "The Bible says to "preach the word," (2 Timothy 4:2), and Hildegard achieved this through ________, thus contributing to a living religion tradition. Hildegard also received visions from a young age which she believed to be instructions from God, where they were interpreted as a gift in her book Scivias. She was also an avid observer and recorder of medical ailments and cures which were noted in her second book Physia. She fought against the discrimination towards her nuns in 1148, thus establishing her own convent Bingen. She was convinced of the equality of both men and women regarding spirituality and fought to give her nuns freedom in their faith, thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition as she inspired many women to follow the Lord’s path absolutely. That was too many sentences without linking her work to the lives of adherents. I'd also add a more conclusive sentence, though what you have works fine.

Hildegard also showcased a model Christian living in the Kingdom of God, exclaiming that “…I am but a feather upon the breath of God…” and following His will “learn to do good; seek justice… bring justice to the fatherless” (Isaiah 1:17) by writing and speaking extensively about the corruption within the church. She believed that it was the duty of every human made in the image of God to develop and use the talents given by Him and to realise their God-given potential to “ripen that fruit to the fullness of utility”. Hildegard also contributed to the living religious tradition by embarking on speaking tours throughout France and Germany preaching against corruption, stressing that the Church should be founded on the love He has for us. Pope Benedict noted that she “nurtured an evident love of creation, and was learnt in medicine, poetry, and music. Above all, she maintained a great and faithful love for Christ”, thus Hildegard contributed to Christianity as a living religious tradition. This was a solid paragraph. However, be sure to make links to the MODERN adherent, how has Hildegard's work shaped Christianity as it makes itself known today?

Hildegard’s teachings on the love for creation also showcases how environmental ethics contribute to Christianity as a living religious tradition.  I love how you are making a link between the two, awesome! The relationship between both Hildegard and environmental ethics encompasses how humans should “be fruitful… fill the earth and subdue it” (Genesis 1:28) as instructed by the Holy Father. Agape is at the centre of Christian ethics, and environmental ethics is the part of environmental philosophy which considers the ethical relationship between human beings and the natural environment. The themes of ecology and social consciousness calls for all humans to address the moral issues related to the environment so as to live in His kingdom, which are duly noted in the sources of authority for Christians, including the Bible, tradition, authority of church leaders, experience and logic. Great explanation, but how does this manifest for modern Christians? You allude, but there is no room for subtlety in SOR!

“Christian Ecology Link” is a group located in London that contribute to Christianity as a living religious tradition by “providing redemption for the land” (Leviticus 25:23-24). They follow God’s word as they believe that all adherents are responsible for the impact on God’s creation as a whole. They help members of the group to understand and relate these responsibilities to their faith by organising conferences, workshops, and publishing a bi-annual magazine called “Green Christian”. The group aims to empower agents of change in churches and the green movement, and hope to raise awareness by holding mini-campaigns, such as writing letters to district councils about water use and encouraging them to reduce the use of water, thus providing for the redemption of the land and contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition. Similarly, “Hope for the Future” is a group based in Yorkshire that is an ecumenical, nationwide campaign. The adherents attempt to encourage and equip individuals, churches and groups to lobby their MP on climate change. The group started in late summer 2013 and is supported by Christian Aid, aimed at getting realistic climate change policies into the manifestos of the main political parties. Pope Francis of the Catholic church has also declared that “we need to defend the integrity of the environment”. Thus, environmental ethics are able to contribute to living religious tradition as they live out the values in the bible to “let the earth be glad” and follow God’s word.  This paragraph is interesting, and if you are looking for content to cull, it would be this paragraph. The groups you mention are good examples of how Christian groups can promote ethical teachings in adherents lives, but they don't deserve their own paragraph. The focus should be on the teachings themselves and how they guide day-to-day decisions.

Adherents follow the Lord’s word to contribute to Christianity by being baptised and proclaiming their faith, thus making Christianity a living religious tradition. Adherents are able to contribute to Christianity as it shows an individual desire to follow example set by Jesus when he was baptised by John, and allows the adherent to become part of the community and be unified with Christ as they learn to participate in the church. The individual is also following the orders put forward by the Lord “Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned” (Mark 16:16) so that they may live in the Kingdom of God. Adherents are also promising to live a life in imitation of Christ, implying that they will commit to the teachings, practices and life of the community. 
Through Baptism, an individual is also able to follow the Christian life by proclaiming their faith in the principle beliefs of Christianity, including Salvation, Death and Resurrection and the Holy Trinity. Different denominations hold different views in relation to its expression; Catholicism, Anglican and Greek Orthodox churches baptise children as they believe it is important the child is brought up in the faith of the community and offered the gift of salvation through the church. However, Churches of Christ and many evangelical churches choose to wait until the adherent is an adult, which is known as “believer’s baptism”. This allows the adherent to make their own decision in following Christ and dedicate their life to Christ and His teachings, thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition. Baptism allows many denominations to receive salvation and follow the Holy Trinity and “therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit” (Matthew 28:19). It demonstrates the Nature of God and belief in Trinity, allowing an individual to live in His Kingdom and glorify Him. Bloody brilliant paragraph here.

Baptism is also important for the community, as it aids them in living a Christian life and thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition. The community is enriched by the faith of an individual and the commitment to the life of the community encourages those whose own commitment may have waned. Baptism also unites all individuals as “in Christ, we who are many form one body and each member belongs to all the others” (Romans 12:4-5). Christians believe that as individuals, they are separate yet by being baptised they are part of a community of believers. Thus, Baptism is important to the individual and community, significantly contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition. Again, excellent.

These three aspects are able to contribute to the contribution of Christianity as a living religious tradition. They encourage all adherents to stay faithful to the Gospel and live in His kingdom as Jesus is “the way, the truth, and the life” (John 14:6). Your conclusion is definitely a little too short, and though I like the Biblical quote, you need to link it back to the question a little bit more. If you re-emphasise the definition of living religious tradition, re-state what you have talked about, etc, you should get the required length. Remember, the conclusion should just be a re-statement of your thesis and extremely brief summation of your essay, what conclusion we have reached from reading it.


This is a solid essay Rach! Very nicely done. My feedback throughout covers most areas I would identify to work on. There are some things I would add to your intro and conclusion, mostly related to actually defining "living religious tradition" so as to more directly address the question. I would also watch that your essay remains objective and analytical, which I know is difficult coming from a Catholic school (this is a minor concern, only your Thesis and one/two phrases in the essay raised alarm bells). To cut back on content, I would try synthesising your information for each aspect into a single paragraph; meaning one for ethics, one for Baptism, one for Hildegard. This will mean you have to cut back on non-essential description and focus on analysis: Which is a good thing! If you aren't linking something to the impact on the adherent, it does not need to be there ;D

Hope this helps!

elysepopplewell

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #8 on: February 22, 2016, 01:49:09 pm »
Hi! Thanks so much for doing this! You guys are all legends... I'm not really sure how to "post on thread" so just really hoping that this works! My attachment is my essay on Christianity (Hildegard, Baptism and Enviro ethics).
Could I have help in my introduction, conclusion, and how to shorten down on content? I'm a little concerned as I'm not doing to well in SOR and need to bump up my average... haha thanks heaps!  :)

Rach

Hey Rach! I'm glad you've found our thread. You can definitely bump up your SOR mark - my mum teaches SOR and she finds that every year, people's marks can be so easily changed with extra dedication and care. It isn't like, english perhaps, where you are refining skills - it is more building skills and gaining knowledge. Let's do this! Unfortunately I only studied Baptism out of your options. So it won't be super specific on facts, but you know the go :P

Here is your essay untouched:
Spoiler
Discuss the relationship between at least two of the aspects and the way they contribute to Christianity as a living religious tradition.
There are many aspects of Christian life that significantly contribute to Christianity as a living religious tradition. Aspects include significant people such as Hildegard von Bingen, environmental ethics and significant practices such as Baptism. These aspects all prompt an adherent to follow the Lord’s word as well as combining the ideals and essence of Christian life, which is living in the Kingdom of God, thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition.
Hildegard von Bingen an inspirational benedict nun who contributed to Christianity as a living religious tradition by following His word and guiding others to the Kingdom of God. She was the tenth child of a noble family and was born in Germany 1098. She reinvigorated the mysticism of Christianity through poetry, music and art at a time when philosophy and reason very much dominated intellectual life in Europe, extending the ways Christian adherents felt connected to God. This helped put emotion back into the Christian faith, re-inspiring faith during times of uncertainty, thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition as it says to “preach the word” (2 Timothy 4:2). Hildegard also received visions from a young age which she believed to be instructions from God, where they were interpreted as a gift in her book Scivias. She was also an avid observer and recorder of medical ailments and cures which were noted in her second book Physia. She fought against the discrimination towards her nuns in 1148, thus establishing her own convent Bingen. She was convinced of the equality of both men and women regarding spirituality and fought to give her nuns freedom in their faith, thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition as she inspired many women to follow the Lord’s path absolutely.
Hildegard also showcased a model Christian living in the Kingdom of God, exclaiming that “…I am but a feather upon the breath of God…” and following His will “learn to do good; seek justice… bring justice to the fatherless” (Isaiah 1:17) by writing and speaking extensively about the corruption within the church. She believed that it was the duty of every human made in the image of God to develop and use the talents given by Him and to realise their God-given potential to “ripen that fruit to the fullness of utility”. Hildegard also contributed to the living religious tradition by embarking on speaking tours throughout France and Germany preaching against corruption, stressing that the Church should be founded on the love He has for us. Pope Benedict noted that she “nurtured an evident love of creation, and was learnt in medicine, poetry, and music. Above all, she maintained a great and faithful love for Christ”, thus Hildegard contributed to Christianity as a living religious tradition.
Hildegard’s teachings on the love for creation also showcases how environmental ethics contribute to Christianity as a living religious tradition. The relationship between both Hildegard and environmental ethics encompasses how humans should “be fruitful… fill the earth and subdue it” (Genesis 1:28) as instructed by the Holy Father. Agape is at the centre of Christian ethics, and environmental ethics is the part of environmental philosophy which considers the ethical relationship between human beings and the natural environment. The themes of ecology and social consciousness calls for all humans to address the moral issues related to the environment so as to live in His kingdom, which are duly noted in the sources of authority for Christians, including the Bible, tradition, authority of church leaders, experience and logic.
“Christian Ecology Link” is a group located in London that contribute to Christianity as a living religious tradition by “providing redemption for the land” (Leviticus 25:23-24). They follow God’s word as they believe that all adherents are responsible for the impact on God’s creation as a whole. They help members of the group to understand and relate these responsibilities to their faith by organising conferences, workshops, and publishing a bi-annual magazine called “Green Christian”. The group aims to empower agents of change in churches and the green movement, and hope to raise awareness by holding mini-campaigns, such as writing letters to district councils about water use and encouraging them to reduce the use of water, thus providing for the redemption of the land and contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition. Similarly, “Hope for the Future” is a group based in Yorkshire that is an ecumenical, nationwide campaign. The adherents attempt to encourage and equip individuals, churches and groups to lobby their MP on climate change. The group started in late summer 2013 and is supported by Christian Aid, aimed at getting realistic climate change policies into the manifestos of the main political parties. Pope Francis of the Catholic church has also declared that “we need to defend the integrity of the environment”. Thus, environmental ethics are able to contribute to living religious tradition as they live out the values in the bible to “let the earth be glad” and follow God’s word. 
Adherents follow the Lord’s word to contribute to Christianity by being baptised and proclaiming their faith, thus making Christianity a living religious tradition. Adherents are able to contribute to Christianity as it shows an individual desire to follow example set by Jesus when he was baptised by John, and allows the adherent to become part of the community and be unified with Christ as they learn to participate in the church. The individual is also following the orders put forward by the Lord “Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned” (Mark 16:16) so that they may live in the Kingdom of God. Adherents are also promising to live a life in imitation of Christ, implying that they will commit to the teachings, practices and life of the community. 
Through Baptism, an individual is also able to follow the Christian life by proclaiming their faith in the principle beliefs of Christianity, including Salvation, Death and Resurrection and the Holy Trinity. Different denominations hold different views in relation to its expression; Catholicism, Anglican and Greek Orthodox churches baptise children as they believe it is important the child is brought up in the faith of the community and offered the gift of salvation through the church. However, Churches of Christ and many evangelical churches choose to wait until the adherent is an adult, which is known as “believer’s baptism”. This allows the adherent to make their own decision in following Christ and dedicate their life to Christ and His teachings, thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition. Baptism allows many denominations to receive salvation and follow the Holy Trinity and “therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit” (Matthew 28:19). It demonstrates the Nature of God and belief in Trinity, allowing an individual to live in His Kingdom and glorify Him.
Baptism is also important for the community, as it aids them in living a Christian life and thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition. The community is enriched by the faith of an individual and the commitment to the life of the community encourages those whose own commitment may have waned. Baptism also unites all individuals as “in Christ, we who are many form one body and each member belongs to all the others” (Romans 12:4-5). Christians believe that as individuals, they are separate yet by being baptised they are part of a community of believers. Thus, Baptism is important to the individual and community, significantly contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition.
These three aspects are able to contribute to the contribution of Christianity as a living religious tradition. They encourage all adherents to stay faithful to the Gospel and live in His kingdom as Jesus is “the way, the truth, and the life” (John 14:6).

Here is your essay with some annotations that I will make in bold:

Spoiler
Discuss the relationship between at least two of the aspects and the way they contribute to Christianity as a living religious tradition.

Right before you start, I would define a living religious tradition. What are the qualities that you are about to show me in Christianity? Is it the relatable nature to current situations?There are many aspects of Christian life that significantly contribute to Christianity as a living religious tradition. Aspects include significant people such as Hildegard von Bingen, environmental ethics and significant practices such as Baptism. These aspects all prompt an adherent to follow the Lord’s word as well as combining the ideals and essence of Christian life, which is living in the Kingdom of God, thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition. This isn't a bad spot to reference the Bible. So find a quote from the Bible talking about the call to live in the Kingdom of God. Then just embed the quote - points for you!!
Hildegard von Bingen is an inspirational benedict nun who contributed to Christianity as a living religious tradition by following His (His? Try the Lord's, God's, etc) word and guiding others to the Kingdom of God. She was the tenth child of a noble family and was born in Germany 1098. She reinvigorated the mysticism of Christianity through poetry, music and art at a time when philosophy and reason very much dominated intellectual life in Europe, extending the ways Christian adherents felt connected to God. (Good analysis here. Can you tell me why the era was dominated by intellect? What was the religious pattern at the time? Were their neighbouring pagan faiths that caused this? Were there many wars at the time that turned people away? Were there any notable philosophies at the time that you can use to support the argument?)This helped put emotion back into the Christian faith, re-inspiring faith during times of uncertainty, thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition as it says to “preach the word” (2 Timothy 4:2). Hildegard also received visions from a young age which she believed to be instructions from God, where they were interpreted as a gift in her book Scivias. She was also an avid observer and recorder of medical ailments and cures which were noted in her second book Physia.Are these read today? Have they informed modern opinions? The next step is to bring this essay into the now). She fought against the discrimination towards her nuns in 1148, thus establishing her own convent Bingen. Until we get to the sentence that follows this one, we haven't had any updates on how this works to be a living religious tradition. You need to explicitly bring each point back into it. If you can't do that, it means that what you're saying is context and should be restricted, so you can save your words for the deep analysis.) She was convinced of the equality of both men and women regarding spirituality and fought to give her nuns freedom in their faith, thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition as she inspired many women to follow the Lord’s path absolutely. Bring it into the now. Talk about women's positions now: is this woman still inspiring? She's paved the way, surely. So we can talk about how many nuns today still live a life devoted to God like she did.
Hildegard also showcased a model Christian living in the Kingdom of God, exclaiming that “…I am but a feather upon the breath of God…” and following His will “learn to do good; seek justice… bring justice to the fatherless” (Isaiah 1:17) by writing and speaking extensively about the corruption within the church.(good quote and reference. What corruption in the Church? Flesh this out a little more - don't give it more than a sentence). She believed that it was the duty of every human made in the image of God to develop and use the talents given by Him and to realise their God-given potential to “ripen that fruit to the fullness of utility”. Hildegard also contributed to the living religious tradition by embarking on speaking tours throughout France and Germany preaching against corruption, stressing that the Church should be founded on the love He has for us. (Is the path of her tours still followed today on pilgrimages? Do people visit her sites? This could add the the tradition being living.)Pope Benedict noted that she “nurtured an evident love of creation, and was learnt in medicine, poetry, and music. Above all, she maintained a great and faithful love for Christ”, thus Hildegard contributed to Christianity as a living religious tradition. (This is an AWESOME quote. This paragraph is far stronger than the first).
Hildegard’s teachings on the love for creation also showcases how environmental ethics contribute to Christianity as a living religious tradition. The relationship between both Hildegard and environmental ethics encompasses how humans should “be fruitful… fill the earth and subdue it” (Genesis 1:28) as instructed by the Holy Father. Agape is at the centre of Christian ethics, and environmental ethics is the part of environmental philosophy which considers the ethical relationship between human beings and the natural environment. The themes of ecology and social consciousness calls for all humans to address the moral issues related to the environment so as to live in His kingdom, which are duly noted in the sources of authority for Christians, including the Bible, tradition, authority of church leaders, experience and logic. You've mentioned sources of ethics, and a central point: agape. So that's awesome. Not everyone does this.
“Christian Ecology Link” is a group located in London that contribute to Christianity as a living religious tradition by “providing redemption for the land” (Leviticus 25:23-24). They follow God’s word as they believe that all adherents are responsible for the impact on God’s creation as a whole. They help members of the group to understand and relate these responsibilities to their faith by organising conferences, workshops, and publishing a bi-annual magazine called “Green Christian”. The group aims to empower agents of change in churches and the green movement, and hope to raise awareness by holding mini-campaigns, such as writing letters to district councils about water use and encouraging them to reduce the use of water, thus providing for the redemption of the land and contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition. Similarly, “Hope for the Future” is a group based in Yorkshire that is an ecumenical, nationwide campaign. The adherents attempt to encourage and equip individuals, churches and groups to lobby their MP on climate change. The group started in late summer 2013 and is supported by Christian Aid, aimed at getting realistic climate change policies into the manifestos of the main political parties. Pope Francis of the Catholic church has also declared that “we need to defend the integrity of the environment”. Thus, environmental ethics are able to contribute to living religious tradition as they live out the values in the bible to “let the earth be glad” and follow God’s word. 
Adherents follow the Lord’s word to contribute to Christianity by being baptised and proclaiming their faith, thus making Christianity a living religious tradition. Adherents are able to contribute to Christianity as it shows an individual desire to follow example set by Jesus when he was baptised by John, and allows the adherent to become part of the community and be unified with Christ as they learn to participate in the church. The individual is also following the orders put forward by the Lord “Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned” (Mark 16:16) so that they may live in the Kingdom of God. Adherents are also promising to live a life in imitation of Christ, implying that they will commit to the teachings, practices and life of the community. 
Through Baptism, an individual is also able to follow the Christian life by proclaiming their faith in the principle beliefs of Christianity, including Salvation, Death and Resurrection and the Holy Trinity. Different denominations hold different views in relation to its expression; Catholicism, Anglican and Greek Orthodox churches baptise children as they believe it is important the child is brought up in the faith of the community and offered the gift of salvation through the church. However, Churches of Christ and many evangelical churches choose to wait until the adherent is an adult, which is known as “believer’s baptism”. This allows the adherent to make their own decision in following Christ and dedicate their life to Christ and His teachings, thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition. Baptism allows many denominations to receive salvation and follow the Holy Trinity and “therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit” (Matthew 28:19). It demonstrates the Nature of God and belief in Trinity, allowing an individual to live in His Kingdom and glorify Him.
Baptism is also important for the community, as it aids them in living a Christian life and thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition. The community is enriched by the faith of an individual and the commitment to the life of the community encourages those whose own commitment may have waned. Baptism also unites all individuals as “in Christ, we who are many form one body and each member belongs to all the others” (Romans 12:4-5). Christians believe that as individuals, they are separate yet by being baptised they are part of a community of believers. Thus, Baptism is important to the individual and community, significantly contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition.
These three aspects are able to contribute to the contribution of Christianity as a living religious tradition. They encourage all adherents to stay faithful to the Gospel and live in His kingdom as Jesus is “the way, the truth, and the life” (John 14:6).

Your introduction needs more words, haha. Do a little summary of each aspect. That will fix that up. Tie it all together - bring it home strong!

Do it like this (but obviously totally fleshed out)
-Each aspect adds to the living tradition. Each helps an adherent to live the life God called for (quote).
-Summary on person -living tradition.
-Summary on ethics - living tradition.
-Summary on baptism - living tradition.
-Finish with the final sentence that you already have.


The context around your person doesn't need to be there in the way that it is. But like I said above, if you can't link it to the living tradition argument - take it out. Context doesn't need more than one stand alone sentence.

The ethics were dealt with very well. You could flesh out the call to protect the environment more in relation to adherents. Mention that adherents are stewards of the environment - there is a Bible quote for this somewhere because I remember studying this in Year 5 at primary school in a topic called "We are stewards of creation" haha.

The baptism part was dealt with supremely. That really effectively worked for this essay.

Structurally, you just need to work on bringing it back to the question after every point. Really nail that. Talk about it in the modern sense too. How are all of these things working together to create a modern, working tradition?

You're doing really well. You've got some awesome notes in this essay!
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brenden

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #9 on: February 23, 2016, 06:46:53 pm »
(Image removed from quote.)
(Image removed from quote.)

Hi guys,
I'm doing Texts and traditions in VCE. I am completely lost in this subject rn (teacher isn't the best) so I would love some feedback here. This is my first official text response for the subject so I would appreciate some straight out constructive criticism (no fluff (': ).
I know my structure and conclusion isn't the best, so please aid me in correcting myself.

Thank you so much,
A.t

Ps- I'm doing the Quran section
Your best bet would be to pop this in the Texts and Traditions section of the VCE forum :). There are people on the site who got 45+ for the subject that could give you better advice than people from NSW who only took a similar subject! :)
✌️just do what makes you happy ✌️

chuckiecheese

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #10 on: March 05, 2016, 08:23:14 pm »
Hey Guys,

So this is my Pope John essay, which I know you guys may not have studied but for you to have a look at would be great, as per cohesiveness etc.

Secondly, I have my half yearly's in about week, and seeing as though it is safe to assume that the personality question is inevitable should I try my best to memorise the essay? That is, if it is decent enough?

Cheers

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #11 on: March 06, 2016, 01:54:37 pm »
Hey Guys,

So this is my Pope John essay, which I know you guys may not have studied but for you to have a look at would be great, as per cohesiveness etc.

Secondly, I have my half yearly's in about week, and seeing as though it is safe to assume that the personality question is inevitable should I try my best to memorise the essay? That is, if it is decent enough?

Cheers

Hey chuckiecheese! I've attached your essay below with some helpful comments.

Spoiler
Men, women and schools of thought have reformed and/or revitalised the Christian tradition. How well does this statement reflect the impact on Christianity of ONE significant person or school of thought, other than Jesus?

To say that Pope John XXIII reformed and revitalised the Christian tradition is profoundly true. Try to start your essays with something more abstract than directly addressing the question, it adds a little more sophistication. EG - Religious traditions are ultimately shaped and reformed by the actions of the individuals who practise the faith. The Christian tradition, for example, has been... etc etc. His aggiornamento, in light of the dawning of an era of modernism, has allowed the Church to re-immerse itself once again with the world around it. Particularly, through the reforms of the Second Vatican Council, John XXIII’s impact is most evident in the ameliorations of Church practices, as well as an emphasis on interfaith dialogue and ecumenical affairs, which has permanently reshaped Christian traditions and principles. John XXIII’s impact has been one of great significance, in which Presbyterian Church executive Carrol Shuster states that his reforms “may have an effect as profound as anything since the days of Martin Luther.” Awesome intro with a good list of arguments, though be careful not to go too much into arguments themselves (I'm speaking of the quote at the end). Save all evidence for the body.

The convoking of the Second Vatican Council is inarguably John XXIII’s greatest accomplishment. No link to reforming/revitalisation. Be sure to link to thesis with every topic sentence. Within Vatican II, John XXIII addressed issues relating to practices within the Church, in which he addressed: “Throw open the windows of the Church and let… the spirit blow through.” Within these reforms, John XXIII conveyed the importance of the laity within the Church, increasing their roles and involvement in Mass. Furthermore, Vatican II also entailed the change from Mass said in Latin to the respective vernacular, the removal of altar rails and making the priest address the congregation during sermons, removing the physical barrier between the priest and the attendants. All of which, have allowed for a deeper and more engaging understanding of the practices within the Church on both a practical and spiritual level for Christian adherents. Awesome arguments, though it would be more effective to go into this last part a bit more. How have each of these things allowed a deeper and more engaging understanding of Christian practice? Its effects are evident in today’s Masses as the reforms of the Vatican II are still present in the practices of the Church. Be sure to conclude by linking again to the Thesis.

John XXIII emphasised the important aspect of peace in Christianity and the world in his encyclical of ‘Pacem in Terris’ (Peace on Earth), where he addressed that “since men are social in nature, they must… consult each other’s interests”: a testament to his endeavours for peace. John XXIII, being a staunch advocate of such notions, made ecumenical relations and interfaith dialogue and imperative within the Second Vatican Council. His ecumenical efforts are evident in the ‘Decree of Ecumenism’, which stated, “Christ the Lord founded one Church and one Church only.” The extent of the impact of these ecumenical exertions is evident in the attendance of approximately over 2000 world bishops, who participated in the 21st Ecumenical Council. Furthermore, the Decree on Ecumenism led to the consideration of Protestant and Anglican variants as Christians, allowing John XXIII to become closer to fulfilling his goal of creating a ‘united Church.’ Again, your arguments are solid, but you aren't quite addressing the question. I know it is implied, but you need to directly say things like: "John's focus on ecumenism has strengthened the inter-denominations connections in the religion, thus reshaping how different Christian denominations interact and share common belief." How has he reshaped the Church?

John XXIII extended the hand of Catholicism not only to other Christian variants, but also to that of other religions. Vatican II’s reforms encouraged the acceptance of other religious denominations, which sought to promote a mutual understanding and acceptance between different faiths. Such is evident in John XXIII’s visit of Mahatma Gandhi’s monument, praying and meditating, followed by the enthusiastic proclamation and praise of Gandhi as an “apostle of non-violence.” His efforts towards ecumenism and interfaith dialogue have certainly allowed for an understanding in ecumenical and interfaith relations as the prominence of councils and organisations dedicated to such causes are more prominent and present in today’s societies.  This is a little bit closer to where you need to be, but again, be sure to properly introduce and conclude each body paragraph.

John XXIII’s profoundly reformed and revitalised the Christian tradition, and his impact has extended beyond the adoration of Christianity alone, in that his efforts have been recognised and praised by people of both religious and secular backgrounds. John XXIII was named Time Magazines “Man of the Year”, in which is a testament to the impact of his work, affecting greatly not only aspects of the Christian tradition, but that of worldly affairs. From such an influence, one can certainly conclude on the extent of his impact on Christianity, being one of significant reform and change. In which Carroll Shuster has stated, “he is one of the only truly great Popes of Roman Catholic History.” Awesome conclusion. Be sure to re-list the arguments you have made, and also, be wary of introducing too much new information (although I think the quotes you have used here are just fine).


I would say your essay is quite strong! Two points.

1. Be sure that each paragraph has a proper intro and conclusion, both of which should relate back to your Thesis, and thus, the question.
2. Be sure that, while giving your evidence, you are saying exactly how each thing has reformed/reshaped Christianity. At some points this was just implied. To do this, you need to explain how the changes have impacted on the adherent. How have Christians been affected, directly, by the actions of the person?

That being said, a very nice backbone to develop here with awesome points! In terms of memorising your essay, I would advise against it, in my opinion you are far better off just memorising your points and examples, and perhaps the argument (or a selection of arguments) you would like to make. This is more versatile and can be more easily adjusted to suit strange questions  ;D

liiz

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #12 on: March 20, 2016, 09:57:28 pm »
Hello  :)
Just hoping someone could please have a look over a draft essay of mine? My teacher helped me with the structure but I've struggled a bit with it and am worried that I have not incorporated the quote enough.
Thanks so much

Spoiler
“But those who believe and work righteousness, and humble themselves before their Lord, will dwell in the garden as companions” (Quran 11:23). With reference to the above quotation, explain how ONE significant person and ONE significant practice of Islam assist adherents in achieving the distinctive Islamic requirement of submission “Islam” derives from the Arabic verb taslama, which means to surrender. As such, the underlying paradigm of Islam is that adherents consistently strive to live in submission to the will of Allah by living a righteous and humble life that pleases Him. By doing so, Muslims attain inner-peace and have the ability to develop a deep relationship with God that will be perpetuated in the garden of the afterlife. The significant practice of Hajj and influential figure Rabi’a al-Adawiyya continue to assist adherents in achieving this Islamic requirement through the distinctive aspects of asceticism, devotion and trusting in God. Acting as an avenue and model for adherents to aspire to, adherents can become aware of their companionship with Allah and their duty to live life the way he chose them to live. Thus, Hajj and Rabi’a have essentially guided Muslims to achieve the most perfect submission.

An integral component of submission demonstrated through Hajj and by Rabi’a is asceticism, whereby humility enables believers to completely focus on Allah’s will. Hajj, Islam’s fifth pillar of faith, is an obligatory pilgrimage to Mecca (Saudi Arabia) which aims to strengthen one’s companionship with God. To ensure that a person is ready for the journey’s spiritual rigours, Ihram is a state of physical and mental purity achieved by abstaining from certain actions. This is set out in the Quran as “whoever intends to perform Hajj... should not have sexual relations, nor commit sin nor dispute unjustly” (Sura 2:197). Adherents dress in simple white cloths to further emphasise their detachment from physical desires, echoing the pillar of Sawm. As there is no distinction between individuals, Hajj assists adherents to attain submission by reaffirming the umma’s unifying stance before Allah. As such pilgrims achieve submission by behaving in a righteous, humble manner and pleasing Allah. Similarly, Rabi’a dismissed her worldly responsibilities and material comforts in order to pursue her love of God. Rabi’a al-Adawiyya was a key figure in the development of the Sufi expression of Islam which highlights the importance of building a present spiritual relationship with God. As such, Sufis live an ascetic life, rejecting all nafs (personal urges) and practicing self-effacement to focus on God’s intimate love. Rabi’a worked towards this state of humility through her meagre living circumstances, only owning an old reed-mat, broken pitcher and a brick to use as a pillow. As Rabi’a reiterates “May God steal from you everything that steals you from him”, physical desires act as an obstacle to fully understanding and surrendering to God. Therefore, the concept of asceticism is explored through the righteous state of Ihram during Hajj and Rabia's humble lifestyle. By encouraging adherents to focus on Allah’s will by removing all distractions, this significant practice and influential figure assist Muslims to achieve submission and thus, maintain a companionship with God in the garden of the afterlife.

Devotion is important for Muslims as it demonstrates their desire to submit to Allah. The significant practice of Hajj requires great dedication, due to the hardships and spiritual rebirth it entails. The faard ritual of Tawaf reaffirms one’s loyalty to Allah by expressing the Shahada and the core belief of Tawhid. When pilgrims arrive in Mecca, they circumambulate the Kaba seven times, repeating “Here I am O God…Verily all praise, grace and sovereignty belong to you alone.” This chant embodies the meaning behind Hajj and Islam itself - the requirement of submission and the declaration of the oneness of God. Additionally, circulating the Kaba enables Allah to be at the centre of an individual’s life, expressing their humility and further assisting adherents to achieve submission by becoming conscious of God’s presence. Likewise, Rabi’a was so committed to God that “no place [remained]” in her heart for anything else. Tradition recounts that Rabi’a rarely slept, instead spending hours in prayer and once, had light emanating from above her head. The forerunner of Sufism inspired others to be so devoted through her teaching of Mahabbah. This divine love occurs when adherents focus their entire life on God’s love with the intention of developing uns, a direct personal experience with Him.  As highlighted through these doctrines and her poetic literature, Rabi’a desired to “approach her Lord and be consumed in his glory” (Attar, biographer). She presents to adherents a unique perspective on one’s relationship with Allah, inspiring them to submit for his sake alone, through humility and righteousness. Rabi’a articulates this in “If I adore you for yourself alone, do not deny me your eternal beauty. ” She saw her purpose of existence as loving Allah, but not out of “fear of hell” or “desire for paradise.” This is clear in “Your devotion is your strength, your life is the only opportunity that life can give you” (Dream Fable). Rabi’a explains how a righteous, humble life is the vehicle to which ‘true life’ and union with Allah in the “garden” may be experienced for it is what he has willed, reflecting upon Akhira. As such, Hajj and Rabi’a assist adherents in achieving the distinctive Islamic requirement of submission by modelling for Muslims how devotion fulfils Allah’s will and aids in the development of an eternal companionship with Him.

Trusting in God enables adherents to strengthen their relationship with Allah, as seen through Hajj and Rabia's life. The ritual of Standing at Arafat during Hajj is a time where pilgrims reflect upon their own lives and ask for forgiveness as it is believed all prayers will be answered. By doing so, they place all their trust in God’s mercy in order to gain the strength needed to submit to Allah’s will in the future. This is an essential component of the pilgrimage for “whoever performs Hajj…will come out as sinless as a newly-born child” (Hadith). The Sai walk during Hajj also reaffirms a pilgrim's trust in Allah as they follow the footsteps of Abraham’s wife, Hagar. As she frantically ran between the hills of Safa and Marwa to find water for her famished son, she continually trusted in God. The angel Gabriel was then said to have struck the ground and caused water to flow. As such, the ZamZam water continues to serve as a reminder of Hagar’s trust in Allah and his reciprocation of care and kindness. Similarly, Rabi’a is credited with living a life of simple and intimate faith in God. She is highly regarded for her willingness to abandon all means of support other than Allah. According to one tradition, her donkey carrying her possessions to Mecca died, yet she refused help from other travellers saying “I must not depend upon you for help… I trust myself to Allah.” After praying to God, the donkey stirred and she continued her pilgrimage. Rabi’a also decided to remain a celibate, rejecting multiple marriage proposes to instead rely on God alone. Thus, Hajj and Rabi’a emphasis how Muslims should trust in God and his plan for them in life in order to to achieve the unique Islamic requirement of submission.

The significant practice of Hajj and influential figure of Rabi’a al-Adawiyya both demonstrate the need for adherents to “believe and work righteousness, and humble themselves before their Lord” (Quran 11:23). By doing so, believers develop a meaningful companionship with Allah that is ultimately sustained in the “garden” of the afterlife. Therefore, Hajj and Rabi’a enable adherents to be aware of how their lives should reflect Allah’s will through the distinctive elements of asceticism, devotion and trusting in God, in order to assist Muslims to achieve the Islamic requirement of submission.

sonyaa_t

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #13 on: March 21, 2016, 06:58:47 pm »
Hello i really need help for this question. My main concern is, have I written enough to gain 6/6 marks in this question? Thanks for any help :)

b)        Explain ethical teachings of Christianity in ONE of the following areas: (6 marks)      
      - Sexual ethics

Sexual ethics in Christianity are significant for Christian adherents as they believe sexuality to be a gift from a loving god. Therefore, the idea of procreation is essential in Christianity as expressed through the bible, "Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth.” (Genesis 1:28). Hence, Christians believe it is a special gift from god which must be used well. Also, Christians believe God blesses the practice of sexual intimacy inside marriage, therefore, sexual acts outside marriage in the form of pre-marital or extra-marital sex are absolutely non-permissible. This is described in 1 Corinthians 7:8, 9, about “the unmarried” and “the widows,” that if they “they cannot exercise self-control. Let them marry.”

Pre-marital sex has not been addressed directly in scripture because in history, people were married at a young age. However, the bible does say that both, man and woman must enter within a virginal state as expressed through Leviticus 21:13 “he shall take a wife in her virginity...” Also, as sex is created by God and sanctified by marriage for the purpose of procreation, premarital sex challenges the correct functioning of this system. The Anglican Church of Australia, while discouraging pre-marital sex, condones pre-marital sex and does not exclude “sinners” from worship. They also do not have the same strong view of the prohibition of marital sex as it is allowed as long as the couple are in a long term and loving relationship. However, all Christian churches do not condone pre-marital sex. Catholic churches teach that sexual love between a man and a woman is reserved to marriage. They are completely against sex before marriage as the Church believes it contradicts moral law and the concept of procreation. Therefore, if a Catholic has sex before marriage they are excluded from the sacrament of communion.

Extra-marital sex is non-permissible in Christianity as it has been directly addressed through “thou shalt not commit adultery” in the Bible’s ‘Ten Commandments.’ Adultery is also one of the most frequently and severely condemned sins as it is mentioned 52 times in the Bible. It is described as an “evil action” that “defiles a person” (Matthew 15) as “God will judge fornicators and adulterers.” (Hebrews 13:4). It also violates the covenant, or contract, agreed to at the start of the marriage to bond “till death do us part.” Thus, due to its seriousness, adultery is prohibited in all denominations, however some may have a stricter attitude towards it. Christian Identity groups, such as the Ku Klux Klan, typically believe interracial marriages to be a form of adultery, whereas this is not the case in the majority of other Christian denominations. For many Christians, particularly the Protestant churches, adultery consists not only of consensual sexual intercourse outside of marriage, but also in “lustful or lewd thoughts” (Matthew 5:28). While Orthodox Christians believe anyone “who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”(Matthew).

elysepopplewell

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Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
« Reply #14 on: March 21, 2016, 08:50:08 pm »
Hello  :)
Just hoping someone could please have a look over a draft essay of mine? My teacher helped me with the structure but I've struggled a bit with it and am worried that I have not incorporated the quote enough.
Thanks so much

Spoiler
“But those who believe and work righteousness, and humble themselves before their Lord, will dwell in the garden as companions” (Quran 11:23). With reference to the above quotation, explain how ONE significant person and ONE significant practice of Islam assist adherents in achieving the distinctive Islamic requirement of submission “Islam” derives from the Arabic verb taslama, which means to surrender. As such, the underlying paradigm of Islam is that adherents consistently strive to live in submission to the will of Allah by living a righteous and humble life that pleases Him. By doing so, Muslims attain inner-peace and have the ability to develop a deep relationship with God that will be perpetuated in the garden of the afterlife. The significant practice of Hajj and influential figure Rabi’a al-Adawiyya continue to assist adherents in achieving this Islamic requirement through the distinctive aspects of asceticism, devotion and trusting in God. Acting as an avenue and model for adherents to aspire to, adherents can become aware of their companionship with Allah and their duty to live life the way he chose them to live. Thus, Hajj and Rabi’a have essentially guided Muslims to achieve the most perfect submission.

An integral component of submission demonstrated through Hajj and by Rabi’a is asceticism, whereby humility enables believers to completely focus on Allah’s will. Hajj, Islam’s fifth pillar of faith, is an obligatory pilgrimage to Mecca (Saudi Arabia) which aims to strengthen one’s companionship with God. To ensure that a person is ready for the journey’s spiritual rigours, Ihram is a state of physical and mental purity achieved by abstaining from certain actions. This is set out in the Quran as “whoever intends to perform Hajj... should not have sexual relations, nor commit sin nor dispute unjustly” (Sura 2:197). Adherents dress in simple white cloths to further emphasise their detachment from physical desires, echoing the pillar of Sawm. As there is no distinction between individuals, Hajj assists adherents to attain submission by reaffirming the umma’s unifying stance before Allah. As such pilgrims achieve submission by behaving in a righteous, humble manner and pleasing Allah. Similarly, Rabi’a dismissed her worldly responsibilities and material comforts in order to pursue her love of God. Rabi’a al-Adawiyya was a key figure in the development of the Sufi expression of Islam which highlights the importance of building a present spiritual relationship with God. As such, Sufis live an ascetic life, rejecting all nafs (personal urges) and practicing self-effacement to focus on God’s intimate love. Rabi’a worked towards this state of humility through her meagre living circumstances, only owning an old reed-mat, broken pitcher and a brick to use as a pillow. As Rabi’a reiterates “May God steal from you everything that steals you from him”, physical desires act as an obstacle to fully understanding and surrendering to God. Therefore, the concept of asceticism is explored through the righteous state of Ihram during Hajj and Rabia's humble lifestyle. By encouraging adherents to focus on Allah’s will by removing all distractions, this significant practice and influential figure assist Muslims to achieve submission and thus, maintain a companionship with God in the garden of the afterlife.

Devotion is important for Muslims as it demonstrates their desire to submit to Allah. The significant practice of Hajj requires great dedication, due to the hardships and spiritual rebirth it entails. The faard ritual of Tawaf reaffirms one’s loyalty to Allah by expressing the Shahada and the core belief of Tawhid. When pilgrims arrive in Mecca, they circumambulate the Kaba seven times, repeating “Here I am O God…Verily all praise, grace and sovereignty belong to you alone.” This chant embodies the meaning behind Hajj and Islam itself - the requirement of submission and the declaration of the oneness of God. Additionally, circulating the Kaba enables Allah to be at the centre of an individual’s life, expressing their humility and further assisting adherents to achieve submission by becoming conscious of God’s presence. Likewise, Rabi’a was so committed to God that “no place [remained]” in her heart for anything else. Tradition recounts that Rabi’a rarely slept, instead spending hours in prayer and once, had light emanating from above her head. The forerunner of Sufism inspired others to be so devoted through her teaching of Mahabbah. This divine love occurs when adherents focus their entire life on God’s love with the intention of developing uns, a direct personal experience with Him.  As highlighted through these doctrines and her poetic literature, Rabi’a desired to “approach her Lord and be consumed in his glory” (Attar, biographer). She presents to adherents a unique perspective on one’s relationship with Allah, inspiring them to submit for his sake alone, through humility and righteousness. Rabi’a articulates this in “If I adore you for yourself alone, do not deny me your eternal beauty. ” She saw her purpose of existence as loving Allah, but not out of “fear of hell” or “desire for paradise.” This is clear in “Your devotion is your strength, your life is the only opportunity that life can give you” (Dream Fable). Rabi’a explains how a righteous, humble life is the vehicle to which ‘true life’ and union with Allah in the “garden” may be experienced for it is what he has willed, reflecting upon Akhira. As such, Hajj and Rabi’a assist adherents in achieving the distinctive Islamic requirement of submission by modelling for Muslims how devotion fulfils Allah’s will and aids in the development of an eternal companionship with Him.

Trusting in God enables adherents to strengthen their relationship with Allah, as seen through Hajj and Rabia's life. The ritual of Standing at Arafat during Hajj is a time where pilgrims reflect upon their own lives and ask for forgiveness as it is believed all prayers will be answered. By doing so, they place all their trust in God’s mercy in order to gain the strength needed to submit to Allah’s will in the future. This is an essential component of the pilgrimage for “whoever performs Hajj…will come out as sinless as a newly-born child” (Hadith). The Sai walk during Hajj also reaffirms a pilgrim's trust in Allah as they follow the footsteps of Abraham’s wife, Hagar. As she frantically ran between the hills of Safa and Marwa to find water for her famished son, she continually trusted in God. The angel Gabriel was then said to have struck the ground and caused water to flow. As such, the ZamZam water continues to serve as a reminder of Hagar’s trust in Allah and his reciprocation of care and kindness. Similarly, Rabi’a is credited with living a life of simple and intimate faith in God. She is highly regarded for her willingness to abandon all means of support other than Allah. According to one tradition, her donkey carrying her possessions to Mecca died, yet she refused help from other travellers saying “I must not depend upon you for help… I trust myself to Allah.” After praying to God, the donkey stirred and she continued her pilgrimage. Rabi’a also decided to remain a celibate, rejecting multiple marriage proposes to instead rely on God alone. Thus, Hajj and Rabi’a emphasis how Muslims should trust in God and his plan for them in life in order to to achieve the unique Islamic requirement of submission.

The significant practice of Hajj and influential figure of Rabi’a al-Adawiyya both demonstrate the need for adherents to “believe and work righteousness, and humble themselves before their Lord” (Quran 11:23). By doing so, believers develop a meaningful companionship with Allah that is ultimately sustained in the “garden” of the afterlife. Therefore, Hajj and Rabi’a enable adherents to be aware of how their lives should reflect Allah’s will through the distinctive elements of asceticism, devotion and trusting in God, in order to assist Muslims to achieve the Islamic requirement of submission.

Hey there! Great use of a spoiler!

I'll post my comments in bold, down here. Thanks for commenting!

Spoiler
“But those who believe and work righteousness, and humble themselves before their Lord, will dwell in the garden as companions” (Quran 11:23).
With reference to the above quotation, explain how ONE significant person and ONE significant practice of Islam assist adherents in achieving the distinctive Islamic requirement of submission

 “Islam” derives from the Arabic verb taslama, which means to surrender. This is a cool fact! As such, the underlying paradigm of Islam is that adherents consistently strive to live in submission to the will of Allah by living a righteous and humble life that pleases Him. By doing so, Muslims attain inner-peace and have the ability to develop a deep relationship with God that will be perpetuated in the garden of the afterlife. The significant practice of Hajj and influential figure Rabi’a al-Adawiyya continue to assist adherents in achieving this Islamic requirement through the distinctive aspects of asceticism, devotion and trusting in God. Acting as an avenue and model for adherents to aspire to, adherents can become aware of their companionship with Allah and their duty to live life the way he chose them to live. Thus, Hajj and Rabi’a have essentially guided Muslims to achieve the most perfect submission. This is really cool. I mean, this introduction ticks so many boxes, which is great! No major qualms here.

An integral component of submission demonstrated through Hajj and by Rabi’a is asceticism, whereby humility enables believers to completely focus on Allah’s will. Hajj, Islam’s fifth pillar of faith, is an obligatory pilgrimage to Mecca (Saudi Arabia) which aims to strengthen one’s companionship with God. To ensure that a person is ready for the journey’s spiritual rigours, Ihram (it is great that you are using the Arabic terms!!!!!) is a state of physical and mental purity achieved by abstaining from certain actions. This is set out in the Quran as “whoever intends to perform Hajj... should not have sexual relations, nor commit sin nor dispute unjustly” (Sura 2:197). Adherents dress in simple white cloths to further emphasise their detachment from physical desires, echoing the pillar of Sawm. As there is no distinction between individuals, Hajj assists adherents to attain submission by reaffirming the umma’s unifying stance before Allah. As such pilgrims achieve submission by behaving in a righteous, humble manner and pleasing Allah. Similarly, Rabi’a dismissed her worldly responsibilities and material comforts in order to pursue her love of God. Rabi’a al-Adawiyya was a key figure in the development of the Sufi expression of Islam which highlights the importance of building a present spiritual relationship with God. As such, Sufis live an ascetic life, rejecting all nafs (personal urges) and practicing self-effacement to focus on God’s intimate love. Rabi’a worked towards this state of humility through her meagre living circumstances, only owning an old reed-mat, broken pitcher and a brick to use as a pillow. As Rabi’a reiterates “May God steal from you everything that steals you from him”, (can you find a location for this? Is there a source that you are referring to?) physical desires act as an obstacle to fully understanding and surrendering to God. Therefore, the concept of asceticism is explored through the righteous state of Ihram during Hajj and Rabia's humble lifestyle. By encouraging adherents to focus on Allah’s will by removing all distractions, this significant practice and influential figure assist Muslims to achieve submission and thus, maintain a companionship with God in the garden of the afterlife.
(For all SOR essays, I try to reference the Qur'an and Sunnah every single paragraph. You don't have to link the person or practice to this explicitly. Instead, you could say that Rabi'a lives out the Prophet's directions to ******(quote from Qur'an)*****. Does this make sense? You always want to be mentioning the Qur'an because it is the core Sacred Text! Otherwise, this paragraph can't be faulted in my eyes. It is so unique how you are directing your paragraphs according to aspects of submission. Very cool!)

Devotion is important for Muslims as it demonstrates their desire to submit to Allah. (Another thing on top of what I just said - mention the core beliefs CONSISTENTLY. I would be mentioning Tawhid in your first sentence here). The significant practice of Hajj requires great dedication, due to the hardships and spiritual rebirth it entails. The faard ritual of Tawaf reaffirms one’s loyalty to Allah by expressing the Shahada and the core belief of Tawhid. (Ah, there is it!  ;))When pilgrims arrive in Mecca, they circumambulate the Kaba seven times, repeating “Here I am O God…Verily all praise, grace and sovereignty belong to you alone.” This chant embodies the meaning behind Hajj and Islam itself - the requirement of submission and the declaration of the oneness of God. Additionally, circulating the Kaba enables Allah to be at the centre of an individual’s life, expressing their humility and further assisting adherents to achieve submission by becoming conscious of God’s presence. Likewise, Rabi’a was so committed to God that “no place [remained]” in her heart for anything else. Tradition recounts that Rabi’a rarely slept, instead spending hours in prayer and once, had light emanating from above her head. The forerunner of Sufism inspired others to be so devoted through her teaching of Mahabbah. This divine love occurs when adherents focus their entire life on God’s love with the intention of developing uns, a direct personal experience with Him.  As highlighted through these doctrines and her poetic literature, Rabi’a desired to “approach her Lord and be consumed in his glory” (Attar, biographer). She presents to adherents a unique perspective on one’s relationship with Allah, inspiring them to submit for his sake alone, through humility and righteousness. Rabi’a articulates this in “If I adore you for yourself alone, do not deny me your eternal beauty. ” She saw her purpose of existence as loving Allah, but not out of “fear of hell” or “desire for paradise.” This is clear in “Your devotion is your strength, your life is the only opportunity that life can give you” (Dream Fable). Rabi’a explains how a righteous, humble life is the vehicle to which ‘true life’ and union with Allah in the “garden” may be experienced for it is what he has willed, reflecting upon Akhira. As such, Hajj and Rabi’a assist adherents in achieving the distinctive Islamic requirement of submission by modelling for Muslims how devotion fulfils Allah’s will and aids in the development of an eternal companionship with Him.
(Again, another beautiful paragraph. What is missing is the essay's quote (Use it directly wherever possible!), the Qur'an, and there was a small mention of the core beliefs so that's good. These are the things that ground your essay in the guidelines, whilst you go on and impress the judges with your knowledge. Because you have such a strong grasp of the Arabic terms, I suggest that you put the English translation for the lesser-known terms in brackets. This isn't because the marker won't know them (although they may not) but it shows that you have a thorough understanding of what this means, rather than just memorising a word and knowing it associates with a certain idea you are expressing).
Trusting in God enables adherents to strengthen their relationship with Allah, as seen through Hajj and Rabia's life. The ritual of Standing at Arafat during Hajj is a time where pilgrims reflect upon their own lives and ask for forgiveness as it is believed all prayers will be answered. By doing so, they place all their trust in God’s mercy in order to gain the strength needed to submit to Allah’s will in the future. This is an essential component of the pilgrimage for “whoever performs Hajj…will come out as sinless as a newly-born child” (Hadith). The Sai walk during Hajj also reaffirms a pilgrim's trust in Allah as they follow the footsteps of Abraham’s wife, Hagar. As she frantically ran between the hills of Safa and Marwa to find water for her famished son, she continually trusted in God. The angel Gabriel was then said to have struck the ground and caused water to flow. As such, the ZamZam water continues to serve as a reminder of Hagar’s trust in Allah and his reciprocation of care and kindness. Similarly, Rabi’a is credited with living a life of simple and intimate faith in God. She is highly regarded for her willingness to abandon all means of support other than Allah. According to one tradition, her donkey carrying her possessions to Mecca died, yet she refused help from other travellers saying “I must not depend upon you for help… I trust myself to Allah.” After praying to God, the donkey stirred and she continued her pilgrimage. Rabi’a also decided to remain a celibate, rejecting multiple marriage proposes to instead rely on God alone. Thus, Hajj and Rabi’a emphasis how Muslims should trust in God and his plan for them in life in order to to achieve the unique Islamic requirement of submission.

The significant practice of Hajj and influential figure of Rabi’a al-Adawiyya both demonstrate the need for adherents to “believe and work righteousness, and humble themselves before their Lord” (Quran 11:23). By doing so, believers develop a meaningful companionship with Allah that is ultimately sustained in the “garden” of the afterlife. Therefore, Hajj and Rabi’a enable adherents to be aware of how their lives should reflect Allah’s will through the distinctive elements of asceticism, devotion and trusting in God, in order to assist Muslims to achieve the Islamic requirement of submission.

Your knowledge cannot be faulted here! You undoubtedly know what you are talking about. The structure is very unique and very admirable.

However, like you picked it, you haven't incorporated the quote enough. You only need to incorporate a small section at a time. I would reference it twice in every paragraph, because you discuss both person and practice in each paragraph so there is two opportunities in every paragraph. You should also make a big effort to relate back to the core beliefs and the Sacred texts very consistently. Every paragraph, as a general tip, should reference the Sacred Text(s) twice! Find some universal quotes that work well and use them to express your knowledge even better. The core beliefs are a little trickier. Tawhid is by far the easiest. I would also mention the Prophets in every essay, because you always talk about the Seal of the Prophets. On that note, something that you've undertouched here is the Prophet Muhammad. You definitely need to do this more, and this will come naturally when you reference the Qur'an!

So to summarise:

-More quote integration.
-More Qur'an.
-More core beliefs.
-More mention of the Prophet.

Just remember that these can all be mentioned in passing. By this I mean, you can kind of just "drop" them in there every now and then in a way that strengthens your argument/knowledge (don't drop them in awkwardly - that will be counterproductive). When you tick these boxes, you tick everything a marker is marking you on!

You should be very proud of this essay, it was so hard to fault on a technical or knowledge level!

If something I said doesn't make sense, do post back!
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