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AuthorTopic: Free AOS essay Marking!  (Read 104778 times)

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GS350

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #495 on: October 06, 2017, 06:05:26 pm »
hey its my first time using atar notes forum and was wondering if i can get help with my ESL Aos essay.
Thank you i was wondering how i can improve my sentence structure

fantasticbeasts3

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #496 on: October 06, 2017, 06:55:45 pm »
hey its my first time using atar notes forum and was wondering if i can get help with my ESL Aos essay.
Thank you i was wondering how i can improve my sentence structure

hello, welcome to the forums!! the current post requirement for getting an essay or creative marked is 50 posts. stay on the forums a bit longer and you'll find your posts build up pretty quickly, and in time, you'll have something marked. best of luck with your hsc :-)
HSC 2017: English (Standard) // Mathematics // Modern History // Legal Studies // Business Studies
2018-2022: B International Studies/B Media (PR & Advertising) @ UNSW

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #497 on: October 07, 2017, 01:42:28 am »
Hi, thanks for the feedback! Here's another intro I've been working on. My idea is slightly complex than normal and so I've had trouble phrasing it so that if flows fluently. Feedback appreciated !  If it's good enough, I"m thinking of using it as the basis for every essay question with a little bit of adaption.

'Discoveries make us question who we are and what we believe in.'
Although it is the emotionally and intellectually stimulating nature of discoveries which urges individuals to question their current views of the world and propagates the evolution of their identities, the consequences are not always purely beneficial. Great! The precipice of a discovery is a precarious position, as discoveries can either culminate to produce a new sense of directionality and purpose for an individual or implant enough conflicting views that ultimately erodes their identity. Need a comma in there to break up the sentence a little - The ideas are fantastic These unforseeable consequences of discovery are prompted through exposure and interactions with unfamiliar environments. Che Guevara's memoir 'The Motorcycle Diaires' (1953) advertises how discoveries have an inclination to be transformative for the indivdual and focuses on how multiple discoveries asserting the same notion persuades the individual to also exercise these notions. I reckon you could express that last bit in a more sophisticated way, maybe "and focuses on the persuasive nature of such experiences?" Ultimately, the discovered notion would grow in significance until it becomes a part of an individual's identity. Similarly, David Aronofvsky's film 'The Black Swan' (2010) explores the transformative nature of discoveries but instead diverges from 'The Motorcycle Diaries' to exhibit how discoveries may be so conflicting with an individual's current views that they experience a loss of identity. Both composers avidly demonstrates how two disparate paths stem from the emotional and intellectual responses of an individual.
[/quote]

I think this works really really well - Covers lots of different little aspects which does make it really adaptable. Just accentuate different elements as appropriate. Good work

Opengangs

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #498 on: October 08, 2017, 01:27:13 pm »
My struggle with AoS essays comes with the thesis and the introduction, so I've been practicing these elements. How is the introduction to the question?

Question: How do the texts you have studied convey the power of unexpected discoveries?
Intro
The process of discovery emerge from deliberate and planned experiences, leading to a series of unexpected discoveries impelled onto the individual. Overtime, these experiences become the catalyst for continual discoveries. These notions are exemplified in both, Che Guevara's memoir "The Motorcycle Diaries" (2003) and Margaret Atwood's poem "Journey to the Interior" (1961). Where Guevara centralises this idea through his physical journey throughout South America, Atwood instead explores discovery as an internal struggle between planned and reality, revealing discovery as a concept that is complex by nature and significant to the discoverer. Through a conceptual study of discovery, audiences can begin to speculate on their own experiences and transformations, and how they shape meaning within texts.

I feel like my introduction of the texts are a little forced, so how could I integrate the introduction of the texts without it seeming too slapped on?
Thanks!
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sals101

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #499 on: October 08, 2017, 03:58:32 pm »
Not sure if my thesis makes sense, or if im cohesive..

Discoveries which uncover the unknown and challenge individuals to reconsider the known, have the power to transform individuals and their society. Both, Robert Frost's ‘Stopping by the woods’ and David Wallace’s “This is water” reveal the disheartening ramifications which follow the uncovering of social obligations which confine our ability to fulfil desires . Contrarily, both Frost’s “Tuft of flowers’ and Wallace’s “This is water” offer a more optimistic view on discovery by reconsidering our perspectives of the world. Both texts are motivated by individual desires to escape seclusion and misanthropy, revealing that self-transformation begins when we submit ourselves to what we don't understand.

Contemplation and self reflection in Frost’s poem ‘stopping by the woods’, drives the persona’s desire to escape to nature's serenity, unable to recognise dangers.The diction of “Stopping” in the title exhibits the contemplative nature of perilous discoveries as the consequences are obscure. It is by ‘Stopping’ that the persona is able to admire the beauty of nature, emphasised through the recurring motif of “snow” as a symbol of purity. Yet, alarm arises as “ He gives his harness bells a shake, To ask if there is some mistake”, symbolising the Horses manner in communicating to ask his master if something is awry. This overwhelming feeling deepens the spiritual connection as the persona desires escape to nature's tranquility, becoming numb as a result of submitting to the bond.However,  this peaceful meditation is rapidly disturbed by the persona’s realisation of his social obligation to humanity. This shift is evident through the conjunction “but” as the persona realises he has “promises to keep”. Moreover, his reluctance to leave the surrounding harmony is evident in the repetitive closing lines “and miles to go before I sleep”, reflecting his social sensibility in responding to the emotional connection to nature, extended through Frost’s modernist influence in the context of discoveries presenting meaningful connections. Ultimately, despite an inability to understand the reason for connectedness to nature, the persona transforms his spiritual apathy into admiring natures beauty, uplifting his spirits.

The uncovering of spontaneous desires which we don't understand connects David Wallace’s commencement speech “This is water” with Frost's poetry, extending on the ramifications of fortuitous discoveries, on an individual's internal landscape. The initial discovery is presented as a journey of intellectual thought for the audience as the imagery of the title “This is water” is metaphorically applied by Wallace, to represent the tedious nature of life. The repetitive use of personal pronouns, “ in front of YOU or behind YOU” , forces audience to reconsider their perceptions of the world, further emphasised through the high modality as the composer empathises  with the audience as everything he is “automatically certain of is, it turns out, totally wrong and deluded”. This catalyses the audiences realisation of the insensible trust we deposit into our surroundings to function, perceiving our contribution to the human experience differently. Renowned perceptions continue as the cliche that “your education really IS the job of a lifetime”, shifting the focus to challenge individuals internal landscape. Ultimately, the discovery motivates a need for change within individuals as the repetition of “‘dreary, annoying, seemingly meaningless routines” suggests social sensibility and obligation. Therefore the audience undergoes a personal transformation to change their perceptions towards the human experience, despite not understanding the reality behind a mundane cycle of life.

Contrarily, Frost’s ‘Tuft of flowers’ offers a more optimistic view of discovery, illuminating how submission to others actions despite not knowing intentions, can catalyse the discovery of interconnections between humanity. This is illuminated through the persona’s journey from solitude and isolation  to his realisation of the connections between mankind which transcend from time and place. The elliptical use in the statement “and I must be, as he had been- alone” mirrors not only the persona’s physical isolation  but also his initial hope for companionship. It is through the discovery of the symbolic “tall tuft of flowers’ that sympathy is constructed , as a symbol of interconnected feelings between humanity, allowing the persona to reconsider his initial belief in eternal isolation. Amplifying his transformation, the statement “ I worked no more alone” echoing the persona’s excitement about not having to live “alone” in the world any longer, stimulating new perceptions towards the human experience. The closing lines replicate this companionship as the persona discovers “men work together”, signifying humanity as one, stating “whether we work together or apart” to repeat the recurring motif of unity. Ultimately, an optimistic outlook on others intentions, can evolve our acceptance of desired unity, despite being unsure.

This optimism towards  interconnections between humanity connects Wallace’s speech ‘This is water’ with Frost’s poetry, extending on the contradictory nature of   trusting the contribution of our internal worlds to the same human experience.This is represented through wallace's cumulative listing, “default setting of being uniquely, completely, imperially alone” which mirrors the ability of our internal lives to shape a “default” pattern which contributes to the same human experience. It is this listing of repetitive events which connects humans in a mundane world as the statement that life “ involves boredom, routine and petty frustration” suggests the recycled nature of adulthood as young individuals initially hope for compassion and rejuvenation in the human world. Reconsideration of perceptions is embellished  by Foster-Wallace’s  dialogue “ everyone else…. Is just as bored and frustrated as I am”, forcing the audience to  reconsider the mutual feeling of a mundane human experience. Furthermore, Wallace challenges, “you get to decide how you're gonna try to see it”, allowing the audience form new perceptions towards the world, seen in unity or isolation. This choice is contradicted by the repetition of the closing metaphor, “This is water”, water symbolising unity. Thus, the composer forces the audience to trust the connection of internal emotional and intellectual responses which provide solidarity, transforming our personal perceptions of the world.

fantasticbeasts3

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #500 on: October 08, 2017, 04:01:16 pm »
Not sure if my thesis makes sense, or if im cohesive..

Spoiler
Discoveries which uncover the unknown and challenge individuals to reconsider the known, have the power to transform individuals and their society. Both, Robert Frost's ‘Stopping by the woods’ and David Wallace’s “This is water” reveal the disheartening ramifications which follow the uncovering of social obligations which confine our ability to fulfil desires . Contrarily, both Frost’s “Tuft of flowers’ and Wallace’s “This is water” offer a more optimistic view on discovery by reconsidering our perspectives of the world. Both texts are motivated by individual desires to escape seclusion and misanthropy, revealing that self-transformation begins when we submit ourselves to what we don't understand.

Contemplation and self reflection in Frost’s poem ‘stopping by the woods’, drives the persona’s desire to escape to nature's serenity, unable to recognise dangers.The diction of “Stopping” in the title exhibits the contemplative nature of perilous discoveries as the consequences are obscure. It is by ‘Stopping’ that the persona is able to admire the beauty of nature, emphasised through the recurring motif of “snow” as a symbol of purity. Yet, alarm arises as “ He gives his harness bells a shake, To ask if there is some mistake”, symbolising the Horses manner in communicating to ask his master if something is awry. This overwhelming feeling deepens the spiritual connection as the persona desires escape to nature's tranquility, becoming numb as a result of submitting to the bond.However,  this peaceful meditation is rapidly disturbed by the persona’s realisation of his social obligation to humanity. This shift is evident through the conjunction “but” as the persona realises he has “promises to keep”. Moreover, his reluctance to leave the surrounding harmony is evident in the repetitive closing lines “and miles to go before I sleep”, reflecting his social sensibility in responding to the emotional connection to nature, extended through Frost’s modernist influence in the context of discoveries presenting meaningful connections. Ultimately, despite an inability to understand the reason for connectedness to nature, the persona transforms his spiritual apathy into admiring natures beauty, uplifting his spirits.

The uncovering of spontaneous desires which we don't understand connects David Wallace’s commencement speech “This is water” with Frost's poetry, extending on the ramifications of fortuitous discoveries, on an individual's internal landscape. The initial discovery is presented as a journey of intellectual thought for the audience as the imagery of the title “This is water” is metaphorically applied by Wallace, to represent the tedious nature of life. The repetitive use of personal pronouns, “ in front of YOU or behind YOU” , forces audience to reconsider their perceptions of the world, further emphasised through the high modality as the composer empathises  with the audience as everything he is “automatically certain of is, it turns out, totally wrong and deluded”. This catalyses the audiences realisation of the insensible trust we deposit into our surroundings to function, perceiving our contribution to the human experience differently. Renowned perceptions continue as the cliche that “your education really IS the job of a lifetime”, shifting the focus to challenge individuals internal landscape. Ultimately, the discovery motivates a need for change within individuals as the repetition of “‘dreary, annoying, seemingly meaningless routines” suggests social sensibility and obligation. Therefore the audience undergoes a personal transformation to change their perceptions towards the human experience, despite not understanding the reality behind a mundane cycle of life.

Contrarily, Frost’s ‘Tuft of flowers’ offers a more optimistic view of discovery, illuminating how submission to others actions despite not knowing intentions, can catalyse the discovery of interconnections between humanity. This is illuminated through the persona’s journey from solitude and isolation  to his realisation of the connections between mankind which transcend from time and place. The elliptical use in the statement “and I must be, as he had been- alone” mirrors not only the persona’s physical isolation  but also his initial hope for companionship. It is through the discovery of the symbolic “tall tuft of flowers’ that sympathy is constructed , as a symbol of interconnected feelings between humanity, allowing the persona to reconsider his initial belief in eternal isolation. Amplifying his transformation, the statement “ I worked no more alone” echoing the persona’s excitement about not having to live “alone” in the world any longer, stimulating new perceptions towards the human experience. The closing lines replicate this companionship as the persona discovers “men work together”, signifying humanity as one, stating “whether we work together or apart” to repeat the recurring motif of unity. Ultimately, an optimistic outlook on others intentions, can evolve our acceptance of desired unity, despite being unsure.

This optimism towards  interconnections between humanity connects Wallace’s speech ‘This is water’ with Frost’s poetry, extending on the contradictory nature of   trusting the contribution of our internal worlds to the same human experience.This is represented through wallace's cumulative listing, “default setting of being uniquely, completely, imperially alone” which mirrors the ability of our internal lives to shape a “default” pattern which contributes to the same human experience. It is this listing of repetitive events which connects humans in a mundane world as the statement that life “ involves boredom, routine and petty frustration” suggests the recycled nature of adulthood as young individuals initially hope for compassion and rejuvenation in the human world. Reconsideration of perceptions is embellished  by Foster-Wallace’s  dialogue “ everyone else…. Is just as bored and frustrated as I am”, forcing the audience to  reconsider the mutual feeling of a mundane human experience. Furthermore, Wallace challenges, “you get to decide how you're gonna try to see it”, allowing the audience form new perceptions towards the world, seen in unity or isolation. This choice is contradicted by the repetition of the closing metaphor, “This is water”, water symbolising unity. Thus, the composer forces the audience to trust the connection of internal emotional and intellectual responses which provide solidarity, transforming our personal perceptions of the world.

hi, welcome to the forums! to get an essay or creative marked, it's 50 posts. sounds like a lot, but they build up pretty quick. for thesis statements to be looked at, click this link. :-)

best of luck for the hsc,
fantasticbeasts
« Last Edit: October 08, 2017, 04:03:24 pm by fantasticbeasts3 »
HSC 2017: English (Standard) // Mathematics // Modern History // Legal Studies // Business Studies
2018-2022: B International Studies/B Media (PR & Advertising) @ UNSW

jamonwindeyer

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Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #501 on: October 10, 2017, 02:07:33 am »
Hey guys,

Here's my generic essay for aos. What I plan to do is use two out of the three paragraphs for every question and was wondering whether you guys could work your magic on it! Will edit it if you prefer
a question to mark it agains!

Hey! I've attached your response with feedback in bold:

Doneskies!

Spoiler
Developed by a subversion of societal norms, the transformative process of discovery often challenges existing perspectives and stimulates fresh beliefs of human existence. Nice Thesis! Almost a Module A sort of spin on it conceptually, I like it. Whether a product of new realisations or a reconnection with the old, they are ultimately the result of the intrinsic human need to understand our identity and world, with both Robert Gray’s imagist poetry anthology, Coast Road, and John Chu’s The Water that Falls on You from Nowhere (Water) facilitating discoveries for their characters and responders. Fabulous. Gray’s Flames and Dangling Wire manipulates grotesque imagery of environmental destruction in a shocking finding while Journey North Coast reconnects with Zen Buddhist values of appreciating nature in an Ekphrasis rediscovery of his identity, the oeuvre reassessing environmental and personal ramifications of consumerist human progress. Perhaps getting a tad too far into the concepts in each poem? Just by a touch. However, not all discoveries are able to be acted on with Gray’s Meatworks developing its reader’s insight into the human experience through the persona’s inability to change his perception of societal values. Further challenging a heteronormative context, Chu’s semi-autobiographical work suggests the unexpected epiphany of his brother’s sexuality has developed innate parts of his character and existence. You've given way more time to your prescribed in the introduction, try and get a bit more of a balance even from this point. All three texts explore dominant societal constructs of their times, enabling the characters and audiences to uncover alternate perspectives on the eternal fragments of humanity.

Stimulating growth and self-reflection, unforeseen reconnections often foster meaningful disclosures into one’s identity. Disclosures into ones identity -
Doesn't quiiite read right.

Often restricted from acting upon newfound understandings, individuals must choose their response to discoveries, with this challenge in perceptions facilitating a meaningful self-discovery. Expression needs a bit of work here, not sure how the three parts of this sentence link together. Reflecting social barriers, composers often cross the line between societal expectations and personal morals, often disappointingly accepting the former. Very interesting idea. While Gray regretfully acknowledges the “frail green money” of The Meatworks is too good to resist, depreciating his Zen Buddhist ideologies of respecting nature by exploiting the environment,  Chu’s protagonist hides his sexuality under the pressures to give his “parents a grandson”.  The authorial intrusion of both works creates a clipped tone, juxtaposing the earlier values of the characters. Drawn from essentiality, the works encourage the reader to reassess the worth of social constructs and how they prevent personalised actions. This time I feel we're spending too long setting up the idea, we should have launched into analysis by this point. Inspired by Gray’s childhood visit to an abattoir, his persona is “caught where the only work was at this works”. The caesura and enjambment reinforce the truncated style of the poem, mimetically describing Gray’s disapproval and strained acceptance of the slaughter of sentient beings. How does this relate to Discovery? Ruminating on the necessity of such unethical work within a capitalist society, Gray discerns that the poorest suffer the negative ramifications of the dehumanising employment, losing their self-autonomy. What does this have to do with Discovery? With Gray’s distinctive free-verse replicating “the flaw to the analogy”, he makes a stimulating realisation that some are unable to follow their ideals, inevitability compelling them into accepting the work. While the persona never supports “burning the live bush”, the reflective poem positions the audience to reminisce on the exchange of his conscience and Gray’s environmental affinity for approved values of money.  Reflecting the Biblical allusion to the Burning Bush, Gray illustrates the deceivingly superior consumerist world, where money is prioritised, as attempting to play god, profiting from the limitations placed on lower SES workers. Again, try and get the technique and the quote into a single sentence - Purely for clarity. This challenging of widely-held assumptions in the largely equalitarian and open-minded Western society is manipulated in the semi-autobiographical Water, with Chu’s brother’s realisation of his homosexuality. Matt knowingly adheres to his traditional Chinese family’s “’you’re responsible for carrying on the family name’ speech”, the repetition of the anecdote stressing his fears of their disapproval.  Retell - Be sure to go beyond characters and explore how the technique portrays something about a concept, not a character. Producing a self-deprecating tone, Matt’s anagnorisis of his sexuality leaves him “torn between the cruel truth that will make [his sister] lose all respect for [Matt] and the blatant lie”, “hiding because [he] wants to keep [his family], not abandon them.” The juxtaposition of the euphemistic terms confronts Matt’s unwillingness to embrace his revelation amid familial and social discouragement, even sacrificing his identity for the acceptance of his extended family. Chu’s conduplicatio repetition of “abandon” forces the responder to reconsider the necessity of Matt’s situation, a critique of the constructs surrounding one’s existence. But what does it show us about Discovery more conceptually? Like Gray, Chu’s work elucidates how the ramifications of fresh understandings are ultimately dependent on the individual’s urge to adjust to societal standards.  Through the consequences of personal circumstances, composers and their readers discern the impact of social constructs on one’s discoveries.

Discoveries are capable of challenging and affirming dormant perspectives of the human experience, formulating new ideas and beliefs about the consequence on broader society and one’s own identity. Through both Robert Gray’s poetry anthology and John Chu’s Water, the readers are taken on a meaningful journey that broadens their understanding of human nature, confronting prior assumptions regarding complex presumptions. It is through these emotional epiphanies that individuals are able to appreciate and see the world through different lens, enhancing our knowledge of our existence.

- This essay is WAY too long, even using only two paragraphs it will probably be on the long side for an AoS essay. If you can write this much, go for it, but you'll likely need to simplify on top of removing a paragraph. I'd recommend taking each paragraph and splitting it in half to do separate paragraphs on prescribed and related, bringing you to using four paragraphs total.

- You do an excellent job picking good examples from the text, linking them to varied techniques and to the reason the composer has chosen to use them: What you need is to make the final link to concept. What does the technique reveal not about a character, but about a concept. Also, as mentioned throughout, putting the technique and quote in the same sentence is an easy way to enhance the clarity of your analysis.

- Your conceptual clarity is a little lacking - I think part of this is expression, using verbose language to express things that could be put more simply, and I think part of it is the length of your paragraphs just being so extreme. I would get to the halfway point and not quite see how what you were currently discussing links to your paragraph topic - And more importantly, Discovery takes a back seat to some of your other topics/concepts. I think you need to simplify the approach, bring everything back to Discovery, and constantly reference Discovery ideas throughout. Right now you are going off on little tangents - And although the analysis is for the most part brilliant in that sense, it isn't addressing the area of study ideas as effectively as it could be.

- Excellent work linking to the authors personal/political/social contexts, enhances your argument really nicely!
« Last Edit: October 10, 2017, 11:55:03 am by jamonwindeyer »

caprese_

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• Posts: 4
Re: Free AOS essay Marking!
« Reply #502 on: October 11, 2017, 01:01:07 pm »
Hi,
This is just a general question regarding RT for AOS. I'm struggling between choosing Plath's The Bell Jar or Steinbeck's The Pearl. Any thoughts? My prescribed text is the tempest.
Thank you