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December 05, 2021, 12:50:29 pm

Author Topic: Help with Language Analysis? Pls *cute face*  (Read 1181 times)  Share 

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I_I

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Help with Language Analysis? Pls *cute face*
« on: May 25, 2015, 08:36:46 am »
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Hi guys,
I'm trying to get ready for the upcoming mid year exam. I would be really, really, really happy if you could read it, and give me bunch of criticisms so I can ImprOve! Please answer me quite soon because, well, the exam's quite soon :) :)
Bye!


TheAspiringDoc

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Re: Help with Language Analysis? Pls *cute face*
« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2015, 08:57:49 am »
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Sorry, I don't much time as exams are coming up, and you're way above my level.
The only thing that stands out to is that you have put quotation marks around the title rather than underlining it - or does that only apply for novels?

heids

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Re: Help with Language Analysis? Pls *cute face*
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2015, 09:51:38 am »
+1
The only thing that stands out to is that you have put quotation marks around the title rather than underlining it - or does that only apply for novels?
Don't think it matters either way?  I normally put quotation marks in all essays, no one ever told me it was wrong...



Sure, here's feedback; hope it helps, as always it's a bit random, long and incoherent ::) BUT: I'm not marking another of yours for a while as you've already got quite a bit of feedback while others haven't.  Sorry :)

In the light of declining public behaviour of courtesy and manners, The Observer has published an opinion piece, “Common Courtesy?” addressing this issue. The writer, George, contends sarcastically and confidently that people must model the acceptable behaviour the modern social norm demands, while also blaming the government who hinders this from happening. Hmm, (not having read the article), doesn't the author more try to shame people with poor behaviour (through a harsh/disgusted/sarcastic tone) and arouse alarm that we're going downhill? Employing series of rhetorical questions and varieties of appeals don't list techniques in intro, the author urges the readers to feel the incompetence of the current laws with the society and to see that new law should be introduced regarding “crude, crass, discourteous behaviour”. The accompanying image again underlines the author’s intention that interpersonal skills are alarmingly poor in the “age of mass social mediums”. This sense is evident in the article’s title “(un)common courtesy” which connotes what used to be a prevailing social norm is now rarely seen by people. analyse specifics like the title in the body paras not intro Adults, who interact with various people at work, are targeted by the writer, especially working parents who the writer attempts to promote anger from. This sentence is passive – 'adults… targeted BY' (adults are the subject, the thing DOING is the object), make it ACTIVE – 'the writer targets adults' (now, the writer, the thing DOING, is the subject so it's more nice and concise :))).  Also, last clause = awkward.

Initially the writer seeks to shame those who relate to practice the gross indecency he describes. Employing series of sarcastic rhetorical questions: “Perhaps they have a medical condition which forces their finger up their nose” and “Maybe they exist in a world the rules of common courtesy don’t apply?”, the writer aims to humiliate those who portray wrong word these kind of behaviour in public. Shorten quotes, normally don't quote whole sentences The harsh description of a person who “forces their finger up their nose” honestly depicts the indignation the writer has and the suggestion that the non-rule abiders see themselves “above reproach” from the second rhetoric question triggers a sense of discomfort and scorn from the reader. The last sentence, “But I doubt it” implies that these “gross people” are only self-interested individuals and unreasonable group of people who continue with their unacceptable behaviour regardless of the fact that it brings discomfort in others. This hypocrisy is continued careful, you're implying the WRITER's hypocrisy!when the writer implies that these discourteous people act the way they do but expect the opposite for celebrities and other media figures. The writer confronts them with the question: “why do so many of [discourteous people] believe that they are not under such scrutiny?” embed short quotes which aims to highlight their laughable contradictions good; now take it further – how does this impact the audience and make them feel/think?. By equating the actions of “hoon drivers” and “animal smugglers” with “crude, crass, discourteous behaviour”, the writer implies their actions are just as shameful as the ones officially punishable by law. Here especially you could go much deeper into analysis – you're trying to cover too much ground in one sentence, so you can't get the meat out of it!  Think about how people view 'hoon drivers' and 'animal smugglers'.  Why didn't the author say 'fare evaders' – equally illegal?  Because they don't have the same stigma.  Go into how the usage of those two terms works on the audience.  Then,  you could analyse the words 'crude' and 'crass'.  Again, the author could just have said 'indelicate, unrefined and discourteous' – these words would have a different feel, a different voice, a different tone, they wouldn't sound nearly so harsh and disgusted.  So, the author uses these words to shame, mock, degrade manner-less people.

LA isn't just about 'techniques', it's also about analysing how the language is used to make people feel.


While previously the writer establishes the view that discourteous behaviour are not acceptable in the society by shaming those who display these characteristics, Having shamed those who display discourteous behaviour, he then conveys that it can be harmful for oneself as well. The accompanying image, depicting a businessman in a suit and tie, supports this idea by the writer the writer's idea that rude behaviour can degrade one’s image and status. The man depicted in the picture is a business man, with a suit and tie. His clean overalls convey that is has a fairly respectable job and income in society. However, While his formal attire imply a high place in society, commanding immediate respect, the reader’s good impression of the man is dissipated by his gross behaviour of picking his nose in his car with the window down. I changed these sentences because there's too much description.  A good rule is to never spend a whole sentence just describing what the image shows; brief descriptions of what's actually in the image are like springboards at the start of sentences to lead to analysis of what that actually conveys and how it impacts the audience.  The writer implies that these rude acts can impact how others view this person, perhaps assuaging the shame writer previously placed on them by the subtle suggestion. Don't quite get what the second half of this sentence is saying? Another interpretation drawn from this image may be that the writer was intending verbose, The writer may also intend to highlight how incompetent the current laws are for discourteous behaviour as is the incongruence of a business man, a symbol of respect and authority, picking his nose in public.

He then places blame on the governments who he thinks is the main reason for poor social manners. The writer suggest that they have purposely maintained low level of decency to “exercise control” over its people. The intended effect for this be a bit more subtle – 'this aims/intends/attempts/endeavours/strives/seeks to', 'this is intended/designed/targeted/aimed…', 'through this/by doing this the author…' etc. - never state point blank 'the intended effect is'  is to promote anger, because the government defeats its own purpose of making decisions based on the “best interest of society” and have manipulated the readers into believing so. Here, the writer puts emphasis and describes discourteous people in explicit detail: “audible profanity droppers, public transport seat hoggers and men before women doorway goers”. Avoid spending a whole sentence just describing what the author does – try to minimise this (and long quotes) so you can maximise analysis of impact on audience.This further elicits anger towards the government as the writer reminds the readers of their well exposed rude behaviours in public, and the suggestion that the officials were the reasons for their discomfort and annoyance. Their reasons for keeping these “public nose pickers, farters, swearers, hoggers and bargers” are for the want to maintain their power and authority. Again, a sentence that just describes, no analysis. The readers are pushed ultimately to realise that the government are no better than the “nose pickers”, who are also self-interested group of people who brings frustration to the public to appease wrong word, appease=make peace with, calm down their personal pursuits.
However, the writer gives insight to the readers that they are not the only victims of government’s disappointing actions. He subverts wrong word, subverts=undermine authority his audience specifically to parents to convey that this will have impact to their children who will grow up into “rude, gross adults” if the government persists in their selfish behaviour. Anger and indignation is promoted by parents promoted IN not BY!when they realise that their personal family life will be impacted as the government’s insufficient interest to its people. The writer again underlines the hypocritical and contradictory behaviour of the government who tells parents the ways of parenting through “newspaper supplements, magazines and other current television program” yet also hindering from achieving this. The writer ultimately conveys that discourteous people are only a sub problem to the government’s selfish pursuit for desires rather than acting for the best interest of society. Take it to the next step: which makes the audience feel/think…?

Finally, the writer presents the audience with the bleak view when “manners slip, and common courtesies become uncommon”. Serious of repetitions are utilised to show that disorder will arise as a consequence to rude behaviour in public. “It will lead us to not look quaintly Ocker or colonially charming, but rather… ignorant and blasé”. “It will lead to a Prime Minister handshake with the Queen”. too much long quoting, minimal analysis; put in 1-6 word quotes, never longer. This implies that our traditional and time honoured ideals involving courtesy and manners will be lost if the issue is not addressed soon.  Targeted at the elderly and few others who place emphasis on the conventional values and ideals, the writer pushes us the reader, avoid 1st person to see that discourteous behaviours will ultimately lead to disorder. This para feels more rushed, there's less analysis.

George’s opinion article is designed to leave discomfort and weariness towards the bleak future where manners are no longer found.  The opinion article from “The Observer” primarily focuses aims to shame people who display characteristics of poor interpersonal skills while intensifying anger of adults and parents towards them and also the government’s mistreatment. However, the writer targets his audience emotionally through number of appeals and attacks, rather than logically persuading his audience to stand by his stance. Ultimately, the author focuses heavily on emotionally swaying the audience... - avoid the 'rather than' statement and again, try not to list techniques.

Thanks for reading this till the end! I would really appreciate it if you could suggest ways to improve my writing. Thank you so much
You're really really welcome; it's a pleasure to read from someone who knows what they're doing. I'm impressed, you've got a very solid understanding of the task and this is quite a bit better than your Context; if you really focus on getting as much as you can into analysis (this is everyone's problem) and deep, specific meaning on the audience, you'll be great by the time you hit year 12!!!


So, to work on:
  • shorter quotes
  • less description of what's happening
  • more specific analysis of words and how language is used to persuade
  • more on IMPACT on audience

All the best for your exam, you seem pretty well set, and ask me any questions you've got :)
VCE (2014): HHD, Bio, English, T&T, Methods

Uni (2021-24): Bachelor of Nursing @ Monash Clayton

Work: PCA in residential aged care

I_I

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Re: Help with Language Analysis? Pls *cute face*
« Reply #3 on: May 26, 2015, 09:56:25 am »
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Thanks bangali_lok!! I really appreciate your help
Sorry, i'm holding everyone else  :-\ Don't answer my Macbeth essay  :P
Thaank you thaaank you waaaaaaaaaaaa   waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa   sorry I'm crazy  :'(

heids

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Re: Help with Language Analysis? Pls *cute face*
« Reply #4 on: May 26, 2015, 10:00:36 am »
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No problems, I'm not criticising you for putting so much up, just I won't get round to looking at it :P  Feel free to have a go at other people's; you don't have to give detailed feedback, even just a few notes/comments at the end could be helpful to people :) it'll actually really help you learn.
VCE (2014): HHD, Bio, English, T&T, Methods

Uni (2021-24): Bachelor of Nursing @ Monash Clayton

Work: PCA in residential aged care

I_I

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Re: Help with Language Analysis? Pls *cute face*
« Reply #5 on: May 26, 2015, 10:02:40 am »
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I will try  ;) Thanks!