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January 21, 2021, 01:01:07 am

Author Topic: English Standard Essay Marking  (Read 81013 times)

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mimi967

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #15 on: March 06, 2016, 11:17:14 pm »
Hi there, I asked a question about my essay earlier- thanks for the advice about that :)
I now have a rough draft of my essay. It really is in the early stages, but I need a little help with it.
The question is at the top of the page.
Thanks so much :)

brenden

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #16 on: March 07, 2016, 09:08:56 pm »
Hi there, I asked a question about my essay earlier- thanks for the advice about that :)
I now have a rough draft of my essay. It really is in the early stages, but I need a little help with it.
The question is at the top of the page.
Thanks so much :)
I'll do this tomorrow!

Hi i have an essay due tomorrow and im just wondering if u can check one of the paragraph of my essay   thank you

Lawson brings to life the central danger in the story through the use of laconic language which reinforces the blunt and fated nature of life for the drover’s wife. This is shown through the vicious image of primeval Biblical snake in "an evil pair of small, bright, bead-like eyes". Here Lawson suggests that the drover’s wife mirrors Eve who has been tempted by the snake that causes her to be banished from Paradise. The sense of danger during the battle with the snake is emphasised by the actions of the dog, Alligator, as it “snaps” and “pulls” at the snake. The use of active verbs shows Alligator’s aggressiveness and also conveys that it is a loyal and significant companion to the family as it helps them to deal with the horrifying dangers in the relentless environment. The diseased imagery of nature is reinforced through the use of the oxymoron “sickly daylight” in the final scene which recaptures the “everlasting” and horrifying realism of the bush life. Here, Lawson describes “daylight”, something traditionally symbolic of rebirth and renewal, as “sickly” to reflect the loss of hope and to indicate that the struggle to survive against the elements is ceaseless and will not nourish or forgive. Through the use of distinctly visual, Lawson captures the drover’s wife’s experience by developing an evocative sketch of her hostile environment, which evokes sympathy in readers and prompts them to reflect on the notions of motherhood amidst the bush.
I normally wouldn't rush to mark something I saw so late at night - but thanks for participant so much in the community! This is my way of saying thanks :)

Lawson brings to life the central danger in the story through the use of laconic language which reinforces the blunt and fated nature of life for the drover’s wife Great opening sentence.. This is shown through the vicious image of primeval Biblical snake in "an evil pair of small, bright, bead-like eyes". Here Lawson suggests that the drover’s wife mirrors Eve who has been tempted by the snake that causes her to be banished from Paradise Good analysis well put. . The sense of danger during the battle with the snake is emphasised by the actions of the dog, Alligator, as it “snaps” and “pulls” at the snake. The use of active verbs shows Alligator’s aggressiveness and also conveys that it is a loyal and significant companion to the family as it helps them to deal with the horrifying dangers in the relentless environment. The diseased imagery of nature is reinforced through the use of the oxymoron “sickly daylight” in the final scene which recaptures the “everlasting” and horrifying realism of the bush life Great sentence. . Here, Lawson describes “daylight”, something traditionally symbolic of rebirth and renewal, as “sickly” to reflect the loss of hope and to indicate that the struggle to survive against the elements is ceaseless and will not nourish or forgive.Aweesome Through the use of distinctly visual, Lawson captures the drover’s wife’s experience by developing an evocative sketch of her hostile environment, which evokes sympathy in readers and prompts them to reflect on the notions of motherhood amidst the bush.Ties up the paragraph well.

I think you should be really confident for tomorrow - great paragraph!!

✌️just do what makes you happy ✌️

dtinaa

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #17 on: March 08, 2016, 11:01:33 am »
Hi, this is my essay for Module C Texts and Society Exploring Transitions, could you please let me know what I need to improve on? The prescribed text is Billy Elliot and the related text I chose was the poem "Father and Child" by Gwen Harwood.
I haven't written an introduction or conclusion but I have my thesis and I was given this question
Individuals venturing into new experiences may encounter obstacles, but may also gain significant rewards.
How is this evident in Stephen Daldry’s ‘Billy Elliot’ and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
So I'm not entirely sure if I have answered the question (I always struggle with this, I'm not sure why). Would you have any tips to on how I could check if I have answered the question?

Thank you!

esther609

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #18 on: March 08, 2016, 11:40:42 pm »
Hey, I have my Module B Close-study text - The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time Essay due this Thursday. I know it's sorta last minute thing but it would be great if you could proof read it please. Thankyou :) (the essay is out of /20)

hannahboardman98

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #19 on: March 18, 2016, 09:09:41 am »
Hi, this is my English Standard essay on Wilfred Owen's poetry. We have been given our question for the half-yearly exam. The file is attached. I have written comments within my essay on things that I need assistance with. I'm actually not entirely sure that the entire essay makes sense and relates to my main thesis statement. Thank you! :)

hannahboardman98

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #20 on: March 18, 2016, 09:11:51 am »
It is Module B-close study of text.

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #21 on: March 18, 2016, 11:36:28 pm »
Sorry guys, our regular markers in this forum have had a crazy week! hannahboardman98, esther609, mimi967 and dtinaa, I will mark all of your essays tomorrow morning and have something ready for you by lunch time. Thanks so much for posting and sorry for the delay  ;D

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #22 on: March 19, 2016, 12:10:32 am »
Hi there, I asked a question about my essay earlier- thanks for the advice about that :)
I now have a rough draft of my essay. It really is in the early stages, but I need a little help with it.
The question is at the top of the page.
Thanks so much :)

Hey mimi967! Sorry for the delay in getting this marked for you, I hope it helps!

Spoiler
Distinctive images offer a variety of perspectives on the world. Compare (Show how things are similar or different) how this is achieved in Run Lola Run and The Lost Thing.

Distinctively visual texts aim to leave impressions on the audience and shape the way they see and experience the world.
The Lost Thing by Shaun Tan and Tom Tykwer’s didactic film Run Lola Run, are distinctive texts which rely heavily on the use of image to offer unique perspectives on the world.  In both Run Lola Run and The Lost Thing, motifs, symbols and colour, are used to create distinctive visual images. These texts both explore themes of friendship and love via visual and aural techniques and offer their audiences and readers a unique world view. Great into! Maybe expand the Thesis with an amplification, what sort of impressions on the audience? Why are we left with impressions from these sort of texts? What does a unique world view do for the audience? Some things to consider to push your intro even higher!

The concept of time is one of the key themes of Run Lola Run. Tykwer’s vision of time, illustrated through repeating images of clocks, spirals and pendulums, is ubiquitous, chaotic and restrictive. Tykwer uses a recurring image of clock faces throughout Run Lola Run to challenge the audiences’ perception of time and ultimately show its inevitability. In the opening scene of the film, Lola runs into the mouth of a pendulum clock. Try not to spend time reciting the events of the text. Blend very brief explanations with other explanatory sentences to create more powerful analysis. This pendulum markssymbolises the constant passing of time (which is also conveyed in tracking shots of Lola throughout the film), and communicates to the audience how subjective it can be. As Lola enters the mouth of the clock she is devoured by time, foreshadowing her reoccurring lateness. Great stuff, but how does this impact on the audience perspective of the world? You mention this in your Thesis so you need to mention it in your essay!

Tykwer also uses the image of spirals, which are symbolic of the cycle of life. Lola begins her journey, entering and running through an animated spiral, expressing to the audience that she has started ‘the game’. This concept of life as a game is introduced in the opening credits of the film in which the animation is reflective of a computer game.  Try not to do too much textual reference without techniques! You can talk about 'Mise En Scene', what appears on the screen, to discuss the spirals. If you can't use a technique then you are probably recounting.
Each time Lola ‘restarts’ her game she proceeds down a spiral staircase, again representing the cycle of life. In the transitional ‘red room scenes’ Lola and Manni’s sheets have a spiral pattern on them, bringing the audience back to the cycle of the game, for Lola to start again. Again, slightly too much retell here!
Spirals are continually shown to the audience reinforcing the idea that, like spirals, life is not linear, it is continuous. Each round that Lola goes through, she learns something new, growing as a character, and taking that knowledge with her to the next round. Her growth symbolises real life, in which people people are always learning - she does not make the same choices again instead, she grows, developing a new perspective of the world each time. Good explanation of symbolism, but again, be sure to link to the audience! That is what is missing to bring this essay into the Band 6 range: "Audience impact."

In The Lost Thing, Tan also uses distinctive visual images and motifs to emphasise his unique world view. The protagonist, Shaun, tries to find where the lost thing belongs, and is given a business card with nothing but an arrow on it. Tan uses this arrow motif to make the reader think about purpose and meaning in life. The arrow, itself, can be seen in every page of the book, however its not until the arrow is given purpose (being the destination for the lost thing) that Shaun and the reader notice all the arrows around them.These sentences on the arrow motif could be compressed into a single sentence. Focus on analysis and techniques, we don't need a retell of the text. In the quote “It’s the sort of place you’d never know existed unless you were actually looking for it”, Tan highlights to his readers that everything in life can be meaningless until it has purpose, much like all of the lost things. This last line is what you need in terms of explaining what the text does for US as readers. It is just missing a technique.

Tan creates a distinctive fantasy world with unique creatures, in particular The Lost Thing itself. Tan has deliberately created this unique creature to emphasise the importance of compassion towards those who are unfamiliar and strange. What things about the creature set it apart as strange? What techniques are used to accentuate these? The key theme of belonging in this text is illustrated in the way the The Lost Thing stands out as different is the early part of the story, and in the conclusion of the text in his similarity to the other creatures who, while all unique in their own way, share a certain visual peculiarity.What techniques has the filmmaker used to accentuate these peculiarities?   

Tan also makes significant use of mechanical and industrial imagery, to symbolise the way in which people place too much emphasis on work and progress, and too little on the natural world, love and compassion. His portrayal of unhappy adults going to work and the polluted world contrasts with the happier natural world of the beach, emphasising this dichotomy.   
 
In both texts, colour plays an incredibly significant role in creating distinctively visual world views.

Tykwer’s manipulation of colour in Run Lola Run conveys to the audience many themes including urgency and passion. There are three main colours in Run Lola Run. Red, yellow and green- the colours of a traffic light- Tykwer uses this as a metaphor for how we and Lola deal with life.
Green is the most predominant colour in scenes when there is a break of tension, no  immediate danger- when Lola is running, something which she has no problem doing, she is wearing green plants. Showing the audience that it is not a high tension scene.
The use of yellow in scenes, particularly when Manni is present- the telephone booth, Manni’s hair, the ‘Spirale’ sign and the clock face- is analogous for his incapability to do anything about the situation, he is, like a yellow traffic light, waiting for Lola to save him. Moreover Tykwer has used the colour yellow to increases the pressure on Lola and to emphasise to the audience Lola’s power.
Furthermore, red is the dominant colour of Run Lola Run, seen in almost every shot of the film, most particularly in the colour of Lola’s hair, the ambulance, Lola’s telephone, the ‘Bolle’ store and the money bag. Tykwer has used red to illustrate to the audience that change is happening or about to happen. For example; whenever Lola (who has red hair) has a different encounter with various characters, she directly changes their future (shown distinctively through still photographs). Change as a result of the colour red is also seen through red ambulance- In the second round the ambulance is ironically the cause of death for Manni, and in the last round it enables Lola to get to Manni on time and save Mr Meyer’s life.
Red can also be interpreted as being the colour of love and passion. This is highlighted in the transitional ‘red room scenes’, where the red wash shows the audience the love and devotion between Lola and Manni. Watch the amount of retell in the previous sentences, but this last sentence is good! Links to audience, contains colour as a technique, this is what you need more of.


Shaun Tan has expertly used colour in The Lost Thing to create a distinctive perspective of a dystopian society of conformity and drudgery. I love your topic sentences, just saying.
This industrial wasteland dystopia is conveyed through the bleached colours of the city and the dark colours worn by the cities regimented inhabitants. The contrast between the bleak, industrial colours in the city and the bright red colour of the lost thing enables the reader to visually explore the idea that the lost thing is out of place, furthermore showing the disruption that it causes to their ordered world.



Through distinctively visual images, Tykwer and Tan have been able to offer a variety of perspectives of the world. The incorporation of a variety of techniques including symbols, motifs and colour have further emphasised these perspectives, and enabled Tykwer and Tan to create beautifully unique texts that have a lasting impact on the audience and reader. Try and add a little more detail to the conclusion, maybe an extra sentence or two.

You have a really nicely formed Thesis here, you've definitely thought about how it fits with your body paragraphs too! Your topic sentences are absolutely fantastic.

To improve, I think there is two things missing. Techniques and (in some places) audience impact. Strong analysis contains a few parts:

EXPLAIN how an EXAMPLE demonstrating a TECHNIQUE impacts the AUDIENCE.

You are missing those last two bits. You are giving examples from the text, and explaining their meaning, but you aren't giving a technique (which takes out the impact of the filmmaker) and you aren't considering what we as readers take from the text. Both of these are very important, and without them you are slipping into retell ever so slightly.

It is definite to me that your ideas are strong, very strong. If you work on implementing techniques (which may require some new textual references) and then putting audience impact at the forefront, you have the start of a FANTASTIC essay. The backbone is there and the ideas are there, I think you just need a bit of work on analysis  :)

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #23 on: March 19, 2016, 01:57:08 am »
Hi, this is my essay for Module C Texts and Society Exploring Transitions, could you please let me know what I need to improve on? The prescribed text is Billy Elliot and the related text I chose was the poem "Father and Child" by Gwen Harwood.
I haven't written an introduction or conclusion but I have my thesis and I was given this question
Individuals venturing into new experiences may encounter obstacles, but may also gain significant rewards.
How is this evident in Stephen Daldry’s ‘Billy Elliot’ and ONE other related text of your own choosing.
So I'm not entirely sure if I have answered the question (I always struggle with this, I'm not sure why). Would you have any tips to on how I could check if I have answered the question?
Thank you!

Hey dtinaa! Here is your essay attached with a few helpful comments!  ;D

Spoiler
Venturing into new experiences can be a strenuous process as individuals may encounter challenges and barriers, however with perseverance one can reap many significant rewards which are effectively beneficial. Solid Thesis which restates the question, therefore yes, you are definitely answering it!

When exploring new experiences an individual may face many obstacles, but in overcoming them, one can illuminate their unknown talents and facilitate their personal transfigurations. In ‘Billy Elliot’ directed by Stephen Daldry, the protagonist Billy, explores a new world of dance through an instant interest in ballet, which allows him to gain a deepened understanding of himself, as he transitions from childhood to young adulthood. It is through this transition that he is faced with many obstacles, in which his actions on how to overcome these, impacts his future and new directions. The opposition to Billy is mainly from his father, Jackie and the mining community. As Jackie’s view is fixed on the stereotypical gender roles that only “girls should do ballet and boys do boxing”, this acts as a barrier that Billy must overcome, in order to successfully transition and reach his full potential. Living in Durham during the 1980s, also acts as a barrier since it was an insular and stagnant community which embraced egalitarianism, therefore it was expected that Billy was to follow this tradition and become a miner. Due to these reasons, it obstructed Billy from the opportunity to grow and transform as an individual and to achieve his ambitions of becoming a professional ballet dancer.This is a recount of the story - Make sure the focus is on techniques, analysis, and audience impact! We don't want to know about the story, we want to know HOW the text shows the ideas you mentioned in your Thesis
It is only through Billy’s perseverance and boundless enthusiasm, that he challenges society’s expectations and pursues his passion for ballet. This is depicted in the final scene where he prepares to perform on stage. T he use of an e xtreme close up shot of Billy’s face, emphasises his anxious feelings which is also expressed through his heavy breathing and shaking legs, as he is finally able to perform for his father with his loving support and therefore, he must dance to the best of his ability. Watch grammar, flow on sentence there. As Billy enters the stage for his final leap,n on­diegetic music, slow motion and low key lighting is used. The s lowing tempo and harsh sounding of the orchestra in the classical piece, ‘Swan Lake’, creates suspense, and the s low motion, low angle shot of Billy leaping skilfully into a new world of possibility, highlights Billy’s sense of liberation. The l ow key lighting c entred on Billy accommodates this, and his w hite
c o s t u m e  s y m b o l i s e s h i s n e w b e g i n n i n g a s a d a n c e r , w h i c h e x e m p l i f i e s h i s i n s p i r i n g transition in his final moment of triumph. Here we have a lot of explanation, much better now! To improve even further, add audience impact, how do we as an audience respond to this presentation? PS - Sorry for weird formatting. Hence, it is apparent that through overcoming his adversities, he was able to reap many rewards. Not only the literal rewards of being accepted into the prestigious Royal Ballet School and perform as the principal dancer in Swan Lake, but also his emotional accomplishments, since this new experience stimulated him to undergo a process of personal growth and transformation as he emerged into a defiant individual, despite being amidst in family hardships and a distraught society caused by the miner’s strike.A solid paragraph towards the end, just watch out for retell. Never discuss the story without a technique, a quote/textual reference, an explanation of what the technique achieves, and an analysis of how we respond as an audience.

Similarly, the two part poem ‘Father and child’ by Gwen Harwood also explores an individual who proceeds into a new experience. Through this, the child is faced with barriers that obstruct itthem from disclosing the reality of life but the child’s curiosity influences it to persevere, and hence the child learns significant life lessons and gains knowledge and wisdom. Don't call the child an 'it', say 'they' or 'them' instead. In stanza one, it is evident that the child will proceed into a new experience through the a llusion to nature in, “I rose blessed by the sun. A horny fiend,” which foreshadows that the child will grow and mature from a meaningful experience. However, the child’s father is a notable barrier that hinders it from transitioning into adulthood. This is depicted in the phrase, “old No­Sayer”, which conveys how controlling and overprotective he is. The use of c olloquial language highlights the lack of respect that the child has for its father due to its immaturity, but the father just wants to shield the child from the dangers of reality and keep its childhood pure. Despite this, whilst the father is asleep he loses this power and control. As a result, the child gains this power from holding a gun, which is apparent in the m etaphor, “master of life and death.” Knowing this, the child rebels against its father and becomes vulnerable as it shoots an owl. Consequently, the child’s understanding of death is corrupted as its initial belief that death is quick and painless is completely shattered, and hence the child’s innocence is lost. This is further conveyed through the use of d issonance of the word, ‘struck’, in, “my first shot struck", which eradicates the r hythm of the poem, thus exemplifying the harsh and abrupt gunshot that destroys the bird's life as well as the child's youth and innocence.MUCH better on technique and explanation here, and we are even implicitly covering audience in places as well. AWESOME! Again, just watch for retell, all of this analysis should be done just using the text as an example. Don't let the text carry you.
It is the child’s desire for an identity and a need to relieve one’s curiosity that drives the child to persevere in order to transcend the father’s control. As a result, the child is exposed to the shocking nature of death, which evokes its transition from childhood to adulthood. This is apparent in the second part of the poem, ‘Nightfall’. The j uxtaposition of “old no­sayer” in the first poem with “Old king” in the second, accentuates the child’s changed attitude towards its father in which it has gained respect and great gratitude, after acquiring knowledge and wisdom through maturity. As well as this, the r hetorical question, “who can be what you were?” further conveys that the child believes that its father is irreplaceable as it learns to appreciate and admire the father’s sacrifices. Hence it is apparent that it is through the child’s determination that it rebels against its father, which enabled the child to learn the reality of life and death. As the child acquired knowledge and wisdom through maturity, it constructed meaning from this experience and thus the child comes to understand the inevitability of death and accepts it as a peaceful process of life. Again, solid techniques and explanations. Nice!
Furthermore, Billy’s best friend Michael, also explores a new world and encounters similar obstacles, in particular the mining community. Through transcending the stereotypical views of the community, it stimulates the development of his self
expression as he discovers his sexuality in transitioning into young adulthood. Initially, Michael is afraid to reveal his true self, due to living in a narrow­minded community with distinct gender roles. Living this community occluded Michael from exploring his sexuality since he is forced to hide it, which hindered his ability to understand where he belongs in society. This is apparent in the scene where Michael cross­dresses in the safety of his own home. As he opens the door for Billy, there is no c amera movement, exemplifying the strict and stagnant community which is reluctant to change and individualism. Hence, this restricts Michael from expressing himself as he fears the strong reactions from the aggressive male­dominated community. This is further conveyed through a m edium shot of Billy who cautiously looks around to ensure that no one has seen them, since he knows that society would not approve. Through the a bsence of light in the room, it emphasises both Michael and Billy’s transition behind closed doors, hidden and
a w a y f r o m s o c i e t y . T h e c a m e r a a l s o  z o o m s o u t  f r o m M i c h a e l t o c a p t u r e t h e d r e s s that he is wearing. It is clearly apparent that the dress fits him perfectly which reveals his awakening sexuality and accentuates the fact that he truly belongs in this dress and that he should accept and embrace his new identity. The lack of techniques here, although you want to explain concepts, it just becomes a recount. Techniques are a MUST to ensure that, no, you aren't talking about themes in a book, you are talking about HOW the themes are represented in a book.
It is through Michael’s determination to freely express himself, that he gains confidence to rise and defy against society. This is evident in the final scene when he attends Billy’s ballet performance. The use of a m edium shot highlights Michael’s contentment and l ight blue eyes, which symbolise that he is finally at peace with himself as he is able to freely dress, completely ignorant of the opinions and judgements of others. This shot also emphasises his interaction with another man, conveying that he has discovered his sexuality and is no longer afraid to hide it. Hence it is apparent, that Michael’s determination and courage through proceeding into a new experience allowed him to cross stereotypical boundaries and overcome the expectations of the mining community. Consequently, he gained significant rewards such as being true to himself and having the confidence to freely express himself as he has finally disclosed his place in society.

A really cool essay here! There is that one paragraph in the middle loaded with techniques and explanations that is absolutely killer, nicely done  ;D

To improve, ensure that you talk about techniques. You are slipping quite heavily into textual recount. There is a big difference between talking about THEMES in a TEXT, and talking about HOW themes are REPRESENTED in a text, with techniques. The focus should always be on the composer's choices and how they create meaning.

This links to the question too. When you see "how is this evident", it doesn't mean, how do the themes pop up in the text? It means, how has the composer made it evident, through their choices of technique. A subtle difference, but the difference between a Band 4/5 and a Band 5/6.

In terms of making sure you answer the question, I think the best way is a strong thesis. You have this already. A good way to check is that the thesis should automatically remind you of the question. If it does, you are set, you just need to back up the idea. If you have a Thesis which responds to the question, then all your ideas are linked to the Thesis, then it is very likely you are answering the question.

Oh, and use the rights texts, use the right number of ORT's, all that stuff is important too  ;)

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #24 on: March 19, 2016, 10:19:10 am »
Hey, I have my Module B Close-study text - The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-Time Essay due this Thursday. I know it's sorta last minute thing but it would be great if you could proof read it please. Thankyou :) (the essay is out of /20)

Hey esther609! So sorry for the late mark, but I hope the feedback will be helpful for you to use the essay in the future!

Spoiler
Through his unique novel, The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time, Mark Haddon uses the universal issue of difference to reduce the social stigma surrounding Asperger’s Syndrome. From the memorable narrative perspective of his 15 year-old protagonist, Christopher, he explores the value of truth and perspective, the complex nature of the social world as well as effectively promotes an understanding of individuals with Asperger’s Syndrome. Haddon challenges the reader to consider the interesting idea of disability, positioning the reader to understand that it is wrong to treat people with a disability differently and in fact we are more similar than different. Beautiful Thesis paragraph! Try to have a more conceptual lead though, I was always taught that your first sentence should try to be stand-alone from the texts. Perhaps define the universal issue of difference, explain that it is defined by texts, then launch into what you have here?

Throughout different stages of the novel and via the unusual perception of a boy with Asperger’s Syndrome, Haddon explores the idea of the value of logic and truth. Again, try to lead with the concept (The universal value of logic and truth may be played on to break down a barrier of difference...). It is not a massive deal, but it changes the essay from text based to concept based, which is the goal... He utilizes his talent in mathematics to develop characterization of Christopher, whose innate difference is exemplified through the obsession with logic. Christopher’s logical thinking is demonstrated through his aversion towards metaphors and fictional stories, as they are lies, “a lie is something which didn’t happen”. Contrastingly, maths is perceived as favourable to the protagonist because the answer is logical, as shown through the repetition of, “I liked maths”, coupled with the use of mathematical formulas and equations throughout the novel. His passionate in mathematics assists him to think logically in his life circumstances. Similarly, Christopher’s obsession with truth is positioned as different, however, in essence, all humans desire truth. His fixation with the truth is ignited by his perception of truth as an integral part of loving someone, “loving someone is telling them the truth”. Thus when he discovers that his “father had lied” to him and killed Wellington he feels threatened that his father would murder him too, as exemplified through the simile, “I heard his footsteps…and I could feel the feeling like a balloon inside my chest again”. The rigid system of thoughts that Christopher possesses and his inability “to trust” his father, marked the beginning of change in Christopher’s perception of his father. Christopher’s reaction to the situation is shown physically, “I felt sick”, and with the use of descriptive language and adverbs “I rolled onto the bed and curled up in a ball”. Also the use of the anaphora, “And I didn’t scream. And I didn’t fight. And I didn’t hit him”, contrasts Christopher’s usual actions when he is scared and this shows he is in shock. Haddon utilises a naïve writer who “can’t tell lies”, to create the novel, thus showing the similarity between the readers, as they don’t like being told lies, which makes Christopher no different than any of the individual readers. This paragraph is awesome with examples and explanation, but not quite so effective with techniques. Make sure as many text references as possible (ideally all) have an associated technique. Further, try to mention the impact on the audience a bit more before the finish!

Without the natural ability to relate and communicate in society, individuals that are considered different often find it difficult to build social relationships.Ahh, there we go, this is what we need!! This is shown through the visual representation of emoticons in the beginning of the novel which effectively highlight the protagonist’s difficulty with identifying emotions and understanding of non-verbal expressions, “I was unable to say what these meant”. Christopher explains that he feels uncomfortable expressing outward emotions and doesn’t see the necessity in doing so, and as a result, his emotional connection to others is expressed differently, this is evident through the use of strong imagery “he held up his right had…we made our fingers and thumbs touch each other…it means he loves me”. This sentence does not mention the composer at all. You instead just talk about the character as if they are a real person: This is re-tell. Be careful not to slip into this sort of analysis, focus on the composers choices! This shows that he is unable to understand the representation and value of physical contact with others and this contrasts society’s view, where physical contact is an essential aspect in building relationships. Christopher needs obvious expressions of emotions to understand what another person is feeling towards him, “I didn’t realise he was angry because he wasn’t shouting”. The logical nature of Christopher brings obstacles in his awareness of emotional aspects, hence troubling his relationships with others. Also, Christopher’s use of blunt tone and direct language conveys his feelings of other people, “I’m not meant to call them stupid, even though they are”. Chris didn't use these techniques, Hadden did, "Haddon's employment of blunt tone and direct language in the dialogue line..." Through the struggles and different view that Christopher possesses in connecting with others, disallowing to form relationships with them, Haddon reveals to his readers that they too have struggles in understanding others. Solid, but you haven't mentioned Haddon before the finish! You need to focus more on composer's representation, not just retelling the story with techniques. Much better on audience impact though

Also, Christopher doesn’t feel any emotional loss and this is evident through the use of matter-of-fact tone “did it make you sad?...no” when Chrsitopher finds out about her mother’s death as well as the affair. This reveals to the reader that he doesn’t relate to emotions thus troubling his relationships with others.  Nice! Again, remember Haddon's role

In addition, Haddon’s knowledge of Asperger’s Syndrome comes from working with autistic people in his early years, allowing him to write the novel with understanding of their perspectives. Great inclusion of context! He has used alternating chapters expressing both insights of how the mind of an individual with Asperger’s Syndrome operates as well as context of the novel, allowing the readers to feel empathy towards Christopher instead of being judgemental. Also, Christopher gave his chapters prime numbers, “2,3,5,7…”, which already shows his distinctive thoughts, allowing the readers to perceive his different way of thinking as interesting. Throughout the novel, the repetition “4 red cars in a row, which meant that it was a Good Day”, proves Christopher’s passion in ordering and his view of the day changes through this. The preponderance of simple sentences coupled with repetition of “I”, “the”, and sequential statements used throughout the novel successfully creates the protagonist as a child accompanied with unorthodox perspective of the world allowing the reader to recognise that his view of the world is limited. Haddon uses interesting traits of Asperger’s Syndrome to challenge his readers to understand that individuals with disability are not different but they just have a memorable way of thinking, therefore shouldn’t be judged negatively. This paragraph is near perfect, with slight issues in the aforementioned areas. Nice!

In contemporary novels, the author alters the reader’s perceptions through interesting forms and contexts. Similarly, Mark Haddon’s unique novel, CIDNT allows readers to understand individuals with Asperger’s Syndrome and thus feel empathy towards the protagonist. It also effectively deepens their understanding of his actions without criticism. The reader can conclude that Christopher’s value of honesty is a big aspect in his life and the social struggles faced by him nor individuals with disabilities are not being different but having different aptitude as the reader may find logical thinking is hard aspect in life, which is not being different. Thus, through the distinctive ideas in this unique novel, readers learn how to accept those with disabilities and break the social stigma surrounded by them.  This is an excellent conclusion! Read it over and think to yourself, have I done all this in my essay? Does this conclusion directly match my Thesis?


This is a really cool essay! Lots of really great ideas and fantastic structure!

My only comment would be to ensure that you are not discussing the character as a representation of an idea, discuss how the COMPOSER uses TECHNIQUES to create the ideas within the character. Some times I felt you were slipping into recount because you neglected the composer completely, focusing only on the in-text protagonist. Be aware of the difference and try to focus on representational choices.

That said, AWESOME work here, this is fantastic. If you submitted this you should hope for a solid mark out of 20. I'd hazard a guess at the mid teens, but I'm not really 100% sure  ;D

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #25 on: March 19, 2016, 10:40:35 am »
Hi, this is my English Standard essay on Wilfred Owen's poetry. We have been given our question for the half-yearly exam. The file is attached. I have written comments within my essay on things that I need assistance with. I'm actually not entirely sure that the entire essay makes sense and relates to my main thesis statement. Thank you! :)

Hey Hannah! Your essay is attached below with some helpful comments, I tried to address your comments as well  :D

Spoiler
Analyse the ways in which this poem reflects the purpose, the ideas and techniques of Owen’s poetry as a whole.

Wilfred Owen’s poetry reinvigorates the horrors of war and displays the paradox of war as it dehumanises those who fight, therefore giving our humanity to death. War is depicted as pitiful, futile and damaging which therefore reveals the true aspects of war rather than the propagandist’s view that displays war as heroic and noble. This was achieved through Owen’s extensive use of visual and aural imagery, which is evident in his poem’s Strange Meeting, The Next War, and Insensibility which all expose the readers to the dismal affect that it had on the soldiers. These poems exhibit powerful connotations of the terrors of war that resulted in the soldiers becoming vulnerable to insensibility.Solid introduction! I would say to try to lead with the concept rather than the text, but this question is very text-based, so what you have likely works quite well.

The pity of war, from Owen’s perspective, lies in its desire for nations to have authority over another without considering the ramifications for its own populace. Owen's Strange Meeting delineates war as inevitable and pitiful where he asserts that wars will reflect the loss of truth and integrity of humanity. I think this is a great start! I wouldn't be concerned about either of your comments I like this! Owen uses colour, aural and visual imagery to convey his message of the consequences of war, allowing the audience to feel connected to the poem and therefore develop a deeper understanding of the suffering the soldiers experienced; displaying the truth of war. For example, 'Yet no blood reached there from the upper ground'. The use of ‘blood’ allows the readers to visualise the traumatic image that the soldiers witnessed themselves and emphasises the frequency of injury occurrence. You are doing super powerful analysis here, brilliant! Try 'word choice' rather than 'use' though. Visual imagery was applied within this poem to amplify the atrocities of war. Talk in present tense where possible. The image of war is intensified through the line ‘Through granites which titanic wars had groined’ where ‘titanic’ is a representation of magnitude wars. ‘Granite’ assists to convey the brutality of war due to its laborious effect, simultaneously with ‘titanic’ creating an exaggerated image that displays the significance of Owen’s meaning of war. Owen applies these poetic devices to Strange Meeting to portray the truth of war, including the horrors that it produced in order to expose society to the truth of war, rather than the lie the propaganda presented. This exposed the audience to how insensible the soldiers became as a result of the impact that death had on their daily lives. Fantastic! Very powerful stuff, ensure you always have specific literary techniques associated with each example, and try to be specific with the explanation, some of it seemed the tiniest bit generic

Courage, wisdom and bravado are nothing in the face of the overwhelming horror that war creates. Owen’s The Next War, stresses that wars will be the cause of spiritual death due to the terrors that it reveals. This poem displays aural and visual imagery that portray the power of death and express the ramifications of war, resulting in the soldiers becoming dehumanised. The relationship between death and the soldiers is explored through the line 'We've walked quite friendly up to Death', emphasising the familiarity that has come of death. This suggests that war has enforced death upon the soldiers on such a frequent basis that they have begun to consider ‘him’ as a ‘friend’. Another example of this imagery is 'He's spat at us with bullets and he's coughed', signifying the death of an old man where the readers begin to feel pity for him and the soldiers. The verb 'spat' enables the audience to imagine how the bullets sounded when they were shot, giving them a deeper insight to how the soldiers experienced it. This develops Owen's purpose of the dehumanising effect of war in order to shock the readers out of their complacent attitude towards battle. Owen effectively applied imagery to his poem in order to portray the connection between the soldiers, war and death and to also confront the audience with an altered view on war. The power of death displayed in this poem presents the idea of how the soldiers became emotionless.Almost no comments at all, absolutely fantastic. Again, be sure you have specific literary techniques, saying "The use of figurative language in the line" is better than saying "The line"

Constant tension and stress cause psychological injury that negates our sensibility. Owen's Insensibility portrays war as having a dehumanising nature that develops the soldiers’ pain to numbness. The poem's purpose was to display the dehumanising effects that the soldiers endured as consequences of war due to a result of society's naivety to believe that war is acceptable. Owens metaphors and colour imagery convey this purpose in order to inform and connect to his audience, allowing them to have a deeper understanding of war and its effects. This is clearly evident in stanza three with the emotive metaphor 'their hearts remain small-drawn'. This reflects the idea that nothing can alter the insensible state of the soldiers, hence they become futile. The soldiers were contrived to fight on a daily basis and this stripped them of their humanity each day that they woke. Therefore, through Owen’s language used within this line, the audience are confronted with how much the soldiers gave up in order to serve their country with ‘pride’. Owen’s application of metonymy to 'The front line withers' expresses how the soldiers metaphorically and literally disappeared. Their personalities and emotions were soon depleted due to the impact that war had on them. There were soldiers frequently witnessing their friends die, however this had little effect on the men as they became immune to the apprehension of war. A little too much explanation without linking to audience here I think. This is also reflected in the line 'Men, gaps for filling' which represents that each dead man is replaceable, suggesting their death is insignificant. This strongly highlights the dehumanisation of the soldiers, as before they went to war, they valued friendship and love, and therefore ached during the occurrence of a devastating event. Owen effectively applied imagery to this poem in order to portray the dehumanising conditions of the soldiers. The audience are exposed to the true characteristics of war which altered their perception from it being courageous, honourable. Much better with techniques here, but perhaps a little weaker on the analysis?
   
War takes our humanity due to the barbaric nature that it presents. Owen’s poetry illustrates this idea through his application of visual, aural and colour imagery that allow the audience to gain a thorough understanding of the traumatic experiences that the soldiers suffered. Owen’s Strange Meeting, The Next War and Insensibility all exhibit the horrors of war and how it psychologically affected the soldiers. Owen presented the ‘truth’ of war which juxtaposes the propagandist view that portrayed war as bravado and dignified. The purpose of displaying this was to alter society’s perception of war to the true aspects that it exhibits which result in it being futile. Therefore, Owen applied these facets to his poetry in order to convey the insensible affect that war had on the soldiers and how the futility of war reveals the fragility of our humanity.Fantastic conclusion! You even lead with the concept, try doing this in the Thesis paragraph!

I don't have much to say about this at all, you are analysing INCREDIBLY well, you have great examples, and your use of techniques was much stronger towards the end. Fantastic.

In terms of your Thesis statement; your Thesis is that Owen uses techniques (specifically imagery) to portray his view on the horror of war. I think you back this up quite well, in that your body paragraphs take themes of war and show how a poem represents them. Nice! What I will say is that your quotes and explanations don't necessarily relate specifically to the body paragraph they are in: Be sure you are conducting analysis which relates directly to the specific theme (for the poem) you are discussing. In a body paragraph on authority over populace, all your examples should relate to how THIS theme is portrayed. At times you slipped into more general analysis, be careful.

But no, I think you answered the question and backed up your thesis quite well indeed. Work on use of techniques, and backing up the idea in EACH paragraph, and you will have the start of an absolutely stellar piece of writing  ;D

mimi967

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #26 on: March 21, 2016, 08:33:05 am »
Thanks so much!! I really appreciate it!

hannahboardman98

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #27 on: March 21, 2016, 04:18:58 pm »
Hi this is Module B Poetry essay :)

jamonwindeyer

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #28 on: March 21, 2016, 10:32:19 pm »
Hi this is Module B Poetry essay :)

Hey Hannah! Essay attached with some helpful comments  ;D

Spoiler
Wilfred Owen’s poetry reinvigorates the horrors of war and displays the paradox of war as it dehumanises those who fight, therefore giving our humanity to death. War is depicted as pitiful, futile and damaging which therefore reveals the true aspects of war rather than the propagandist’s view that displays war as heroic and noble. This was achieved through Owen’s extensive use of visual and aural imagery, which is evident in his poem’s Strange Meeting, The Next War, and Insensibility which all expose the readers to the dismal affect that it had on the soldiers. These poems exhibit powerful connotations of the terrors of war that resulted in the soldiers becoming vulnerable to insensibility. Still an awesome Thesis! To develop it even further, try taking Owen out of your Thesis statement. This abstracts the essay topic and focuses on concept rather than text.

The truth must be continually told if we are to be reminded of the horror and insensibility of war. Owen's Strange Meeting, delineates war as inevitable and pitiful where he asserts that wars will reflect the loss of truth and integrity of humanity. Owen uses colour and visual imagery to convey his message of the consequences of war, allowing the audience to feel connected to the poem and therefore develop a deeper understanding of the suffering the soldiers experienced. For example, 'Yet no blood reached there from the upper ground'. The use of ‘blood’ allows the readers to visualise the traumatic image that the soldiers witnessed themselves and emphasises the frequency of injury occurrence. Society did not perceive war as ‘killing’; rather, they romanticised it which involved serving your country to save people’s live, disregarding the murdering aspect of war. Therefore, Owen clearly demonstrates the truth through exposing the audience to these brutalities that war produced. Visual imagery was applied within this poem to amplify the atrocities of war. The image of war is intensified through the line ‘Through granites which titanic wars had groined’ where the hyperbole, ‘titanic’ is a representation of magnitude wars. ‘Granite’ assists to convey the harshness of war due to its laborious effect, simultaneously with ‘titanic’ creating an exaggerated image that displays the significance of Owen’s meaning of war. Owen applies these poetic devices to Strange Meeting to portray the truth of war, including the horrors that it produced in order to expose society to these realities rather than the lie the propaganda presented. This illustrated how insensible the soldiers became as a result of the impact that death had on their daily lives. Wow! Absolutely fantastic analysis here now, much more focus. Now to push you even further. Try further integration of your ideas, that is, get your example, explanation and audience impact, everything in a single sentence. "Owen's use of TECHNIQUE in the description of blah blah, QUOTE, shocks the audience with its realism and thus reveals the truth of war through powerful imagery." This is hard to do,  but you are at that level!

Courage, wisdom and bravado are nothing in the face of the overwhelming horror that war creates. Owen’s The Next War, stresses that wars will be the cause of spiritual death due to the terrors that it reveals. This poem displays visual imagery that portrays the power of death and expresses the ramifications of war, resulting in the soldiers becoming dehumanised. The relationship between death and the soldiers is explored through the line 'We've walked quite friendly up to Death', emphasising the familiarity that has come of death. This suggests that war has enforced death upon the soldiers on such a frequent basis that it has become a normative to experience it. In line 12, ‘We laughed, -‘, Owen purposely applies a caesura to make the audience pause and reflect on the situation. This enables the audience to understand the association of death with laughter, establishing that it is abnormal. Owen applies this ironic tone to the loss of their humanity, in order to shock the readers out of their complacent attitude towards battle. Owen effectively applied (make sure to speak in present tense!) visual imagery to his poem in order to portray the connection between the soldiers, war and death and to also confront the audience with an altered view on war. The power of death displayed in this poem presents the idea of how the soldiers became emotionless. Another fantastic paragraph, though perhaps it needs a slightly better conclusion. Further, make sure that ALL of your textual references have an associated technique.

Constant tension and stress cause psychological injury that negates our sensibility. This intro has a syntax error, should be "causes." Owen's Insensibility portrays war as having a dehumanising nature that develops the soldiers’ pain to numbness. Owens metaphors and colour imagery convey this purpose in order to inform and connect to his audience, allowing them to have a deeper understanding of war and its effects. This is clearly evident in stanza three with the emotive metaphor 'their hearts remain small-drawn'. The idea that nothing can alter the insensible state of the soldiers is reflected here as they no longer have a sensitive heart, hence displaying their detachment from their emotions. The soldiers were contrived to fight on a daily basis and this stripped them of their humanity each day that they woke. Owen’s application of metonymy to 'The front line withers' expresses how the soldiers metaphorically and literally disappeared. Their personalities and emotions were hastily depleted due to the impact that war had on them. There were soldiers frequently witnessing their friends die, however this had little effect on the men as they became immune to the apprehension of war. This is also echoed in the line 'Men, gaps for filling' which represents that each dead man is replaceable, suggesting their death is insignificant. This strongly highlights the dehumanisation of the soldiers, as before they went to war, they valued friendship and love, and therefore ached during the occurrence of a devastating event. Owen effectively applied imagery to this poem in order to portray the dehumanising conditions of the soldiers. The audience are exposed to the true characteristics of war which altered their perception from it being courageous, honourable.This paragraph is slightly weaker than the other two. I think your concept in this last paragraph now has great focus, but your wording of "pain to numbness" is slightly "airy." Essays need concrete, logical arguments, and this ever so slightly falls short, and that is just a wording issue. Further, the middle of your essay has two sentences where you fall into textual retell, explaining the impact on the soldiers IN THE TEXT. Don't talk about things IN THE TEXT, use the text as an example for how composers like Owen create meaning.
   
War takes our humanity due to the barbaric nature that it presents. Owen’s poetry illustrates this idea through his application of visual, aural and colour imagery that allow the audience to gain a thorough understanding of the traumatic experiences that the soldiers suffered. Owen’s Strange Meeting, The Next War and Insensibility all exhibit the horrors of war and how it psychologically affected the soldiers. Owen presented the ‘truth’ of war which juxtaposes the propagandist view that portrayed war as bravado and dignified. The purpose of displaying this was to alter society’s perception of war to the true aspects that it exhibits which result in it being futile. Therefore, Owen applied these facets to his poetry in order to convey the insensible affect that war had on the soldiers and how the futility of war reveals the fragility of our humanity. Fantastic conclusion now that is developed! Remember, talk only in present tense!

This is now an absolutely KILLER essay! Fantastic work Hannah, this is brilliant. A few things to fix, including:
- Talking in the Present Tense
- More Frequent Use of Techniques, and perhaps a wider variety of techniques (although I know this essay demands a focus on imagery)
- Synthesis of ideas into single-sentence constructions (see the comment in the first paragraph)

You can also continue to develop the clarity and power of your paragraph topics. They are all great as they are, but they can still be pushed to be even more sophisticated. Think about ways you can make them more unique, clearer, and introduce more complex ideas. Totally not necessary, but hey, I have to give you something to work on  ;)

hannahboardman98

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Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #29 on: March 24, 2016, 02:35:20 pm »
Hi I was just wondering if my structure is band 6 material in my introduction below:




War was misinterpreted by society, where the horrific ramifications were absent from their perceived view. Wilfred Owen’s poetry reinvigorates these horrors and displays the paradox of war as it dehumanises those who fight, therefore giving our humanity to death. War is depicted as pitiful, futile and damaging, revealing the true aspects of war rather than the propagandist’s view displaying it as heroic and noble. In Owen’s poems Strange Meeting, The Next War, and Insensibility, his extensive use of visual, aural and colour imagery and figurative language, assist in the portrayal of the truth of war. These poems exhibit powerful connotations of the terrors of war that resulted in the soldiers becoming vulnerable to dehumanisation.