Login | Register
Enrol now for our new online tutoring program. Learn from the best tutors. Get amazing results. Learn more.

Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

January 21, 2021, 01:04:49 am

Author Topic: English Standard Essay Marking  (Read 81014 times)

0 Members and 1 Guest are viewing this topic.

brenden

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 7184
English Standard Essay Marking
« on: March 16, 2015, 03:52:57 pm »
If you'd like your essay marked, you won't be able to post it until you make an ATAR Notes account here. Once you've done that, a little 'reply' button will come up when you're viewing threads, and you'll be able to copy and paste your essay and post it up here for us to mark!

Hey everyone!! Welcome to the English Standard Module Marking Thread. This thread is here for you to get feedback on your Standard module essays from a Band 6 student. This resource exists to help you guys make huge improvements on your essay writing... Too often, teachers just write "good" or "needs explaining" or "expand". SUPER. FRUSTRATING. This is a place to properly improve :) :) :)

Before posting, please read the essay marking rules/rationale here.

Post away, and happy studies!!  ;D ;D
« Last Edit: August 04, 2017, 08:39:18 pm by jamonwindeyer »
✌️just do what makes you happy ✌️

BladeWing3248

  • Fresh Poster
  • *
  • Posts: 1
  • School: Menai High School
  • School Grad Year: 2015
Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #1 on: June 19, 2015, 12:34:40 am »
Hey Brenden,

this is my close study essay, written on The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender. Written under pressure, i got 11/15. Just wondering if you had any tips on making it stronger? As well as any just general tips?

Thanks!

brenden

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 7184
Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #2 on: June 19, 2015, 02:10:54 pm »
If you'd like your essay marked, you won't be able to post it until you make an ATAR Notes account here. Once you've done that, a little 'reply' button will come up when you're viewing threads, and you'll be able to copy and paste your essay and post it up here for me to mark!


Distinctive ideas are at the heart of every novel

In your view, what distinctive ideas are explored in The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender? Explain how they are developed throughout the text.



My first take on this prompt is that it's quite friendly and open. I.e., it doesn't lock you in to discussing one particular theme, like "Discuss corruption within TLACOFL". It just says, "what are the distinctive ideas?" and then, "Take those ideas, how are they developed?", which gives you a lot of freedom to write on different ideas that you're either quite comfortable with, or know will help you score well. We'll see how you approach the prompt through your essay :).

(Spoiler here so I don't need to refer to word doc to see the essay without my own feedback).
Spoiler
Quote
The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender is a hard-boiled detective novel, written by Marele Days. Day creates a distinctive and original novel through its subversion by using a female detective. This allows her to challenge traditional social values, and comment on the gender assumption associated with the genre.  Day also creates distinctive ideas, through her exploration of facades, corruption and the importance of new technology within her era. Through the inversion of the detective, and the use of traditional hard-boiled tropes, Day creates a sense of duality within the novel through the contrasting voices of Harry Lavender, and Claudia, and through this, Day manages to create a distinctive hard-boiled novel.

In the hard-boiled genre, male detectives are the traditional protagonists. Raymond Chandler, archetypal author of the hard-boiled genre, wrote in The Simple Art of Murder, “The detective in this kind of story must be such a man,” reflecting Day’s distinctive ideas about inverting the traditional male detective’s gender.  The traditional hard-boiled detective voice conveyed in the beginning, “close to the bed was a bottle of Jack Daniels: empty. And an ashtray: full,” is quickly juxtaposed and inverted as it is revealed that the detective is a female, “Next time, I shook him, ‘C’mon mate, its time to wake up.’” The intertextual references to golden age female detectives, “thinks she’s Angela Lansbury,” and the original male hard-boiled detectives, “I could never understand Philip Marlowe and those guys,” illustrates the unique and individual persona Day has managed to create through her subversion of the gender roles of the protagonist. Through the subversion of the male detective, Day succeeds in challenging traditional gender roles, depicting a strong lead character, who manages to maintain her femininity throughout the novel.

The idea of the duality of technology throughout The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender depicts the popularity and experience that is generated within society.  Set in the 1980’s, a time of great technological advancement, Day creates distinctive ideas through her depiction of the dichotomy of technology. It is expressed through Harry Lavender’s idiosyncratic extracts, “I stand on top of my city and see the shape of the future. It is a circuit board.” The ironic use of technology as Harry Lavender’s hired killer for Mark Bannister; “a way of killing someone by altering their pacemaker,” and what Harry Lavender eventually depends on for his own life; “The man who perpetuated his Life and Crimes through technology now depended on technology for his very breath,” illustrates Day’s concept of the prominence of technology. This idea is then continued throughout the novel, “Are computers alive?’ It puts forward the view that computers are the new life form,” further heightening societies deterrent view on the distinctive idea of “technical immortality and human mortality.”

Throughout The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender, Day depicts the facades portrayed throughout the book, illustrating the idea that everyone has something to hide. This is mainly conveyed through the dual voices, contrasting voices of Claudia and Harry Lavender.  “The people in the street never look up. If they raised their eyes just a little they would see the history of the city. Just above the glass facades are older facades.” Harry’s distinct voice throughout the novel, creates the idea of the entire city being a façade, portraying the fact that the ordinary people do not see his city, they only see the perfect outside, not the corruption underneath. Claudia, however, does see the corruption, “an amusement park with a plaster grin, its painted lips the entrance to a labyrinth of company titles in which the real owner hid,” illustrating the deep deception rooted within the city and the innocent façade it exhibits to the average citizen. Not only does Day portray the city as a façade, she also portrays Sally Villos as a façade all her own, “she put make-up on, painted a red smiling mouth, drew lines that defined the beautiful dark eyes.” By originally illustrating Sally as an emotional girlfriend, Day convinces the audience of Sally’s duality, “She was a child of this city. The child of Harry Lavender.” Through the deep concept of facades, Day creates the idea of corruption within the city and it’s people and the images surrounding them.
 
The corruption within the city of Sydney is ever present within The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender. “…The innocence of a time past, before the stench of Harry Lavender. But the stench had always been there,” the extended metaphor of ‘the stench of Lavender’ conveys the extent of Harry’s corruption within and around the city. Throughout the novel, the conflicting voices of Claudia and Harry, conceive their relationship as a cat and mouse game, portraying them a complete opposites, one will win and one will lose. “I had been caught up in his maze, looking for the piece of the cheese,” the epiphany that Claudia has, realising she is the one being controlled by Harry Lavender is confirmed through the reach of Harry’s corruption, “now I plan and it’s someone else’s finger on the trigger.” Harry Lavender is soon proven to not be immortal, as he hoped he once was, “Lavender’s in a coma. He’s not expected to last the night.” However, through his death before the publication of his biography, Harry Lavender seemingly ‘won’ against Claudia, ‘The big fish get away.” Through the depiction of Harry Lavender seemingly ‘winning’ against Claudia, Day creates a distinctive novel, by using the ideas of facades and corruption in unison.

The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender, is a distinct and innovative novel that discusses the powerful ideas of gender assumption and bias. Day is able to achieve this through a modern based narrative style utilising Claudia Valentine as the subverted detective, creating a comment on the traditional hard-boiled genre. The truth and meaning behind many facades, including both the city and Sally Villos, the dichotomous portrayal of technology and the corruption illustrated throughout the city, all come together to create the distinctive ideas at the heart of this novel.

The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender is a hard-boiled detective novel, written by Marele Days. Day creates a distinctive and original novel through its subversion subversion of what? by using a female detective. This allows her to challenge traditional social values, and comment on the gender assumption associated with the genregood.  Day also creates distinctive ideas, through her exploration of facades, corruption and the importance of new technology within her era. Through the inversion of the detective, and the use of traditional hard-boiled tropes, Day creates a sense of duality within the novel through the contrasting voices of Harry Lavender, and Claudia, and through this, Day manages to create a distinctive hard-boiled novel.
Not a bad intro at all! I've highlighted your opening sentence in red, because I think this is the biggest area of improvement. If you wrote this under pressure, then you've actually done a decent job. Your intro introduces a few distinct ideas (see what I did there?) and it's clear that you're going to be talking about a few different things. What I'd like in the first sentece is something "big". Like a "wow" factor. A lot of people will generally start their essays  with something like "In the novel, <novel name>, written by <author>, something happens". Or in your case, just the name of the book and the name of the author. Why do we write like that? I mean... what value do those sentences add? You know?
The reason these sentences happen, is because we've been taught since Year 9 "gotta mentioned the author and the title in your intro" so everyone's like "alright lol better be the first sentence, because I need the rest for talking about ideas", and so we end up with these shitty boring sentences that are completely purposeless. However, one easy way to boost marks is by having a few "go to" sentences about the book. Now, I am absolutely not advocating that you memorise essays; however, you will find that if you start to use sentences like I'm about to show you, you'll use the same ones naturally, because they'll be relevant across a wide range of different essays. Basically, these sentences will be a slight bit longer, and be a lot more meaningful. Their purpose is to act as foreplay, really. It's a teaser for the assessor that says "look how good my first sentence is - the rest of my essay is  going to be even better!". That's the  imapct we're trying to have, and that's why it will boost marks - because it will give a better first impression, and first impressions count.
Something like "Whilst the Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender poses as a hard-boiled detective novel, Marele Days utilises the work as a scatching social commentary on the role and perception of gender in society."
You could even follow this up with something like "Subsequently, the novel explores a multitude of distinctive and challenging ideas, such as [ x], [y], [z]." And then you can start to offer more specific details on your paragraph ideas, as you already have done.
Now, the reason I say that you can half-prepare sentences like this is because they're structurally very similar. Notice that I say "Whilst", and then ", Marele Days utilises". When you put the author and a verb together, good things happen. And the reason I say "Whilst" is because it forces a student to say something. You can't use the word "whilst" and then just finish a sentence: it spurns you on. So you could say "Whilst <novel name> <looks like this>, it is in fact <deep idea that looks impressive to an assessor>." Start trying this method! You can even write a few just by themselves and then see how they apply to the essay. Basically, these first two sentences sort of act as a statement of your contention. "THIS IS WHAT I THINK ABOUT THE NOVEL!", and then the rest of your introduction should be about briefly unpacking that contention and offering a preface to WHY that's your contention, and then the rest of the essay further unpacks the introduction.
Feel free to post a couple of sentences in this thread and we can work through them together :). I think if you could do that, your intro would be much better. 


In the hard-boiled genre, male detectives are the traditional protagonists. Check out my advice on topic sentences . Raymond Chandler, archetypal author of the hard-boiled genrehe's the author of the archetypal novel. Saying he's the archetypal author seems a bit strange, wrote in The Simple Art of Murder, “The detective in this kind of story must be such a man,” reflecting Day’s distinctive ideas about inverting the traditional male detective’s gender.  The traditional hard-boiled detective voice conveyed in the beginning, “close to the bed was a bottle of Jack Daniels: empty. And an ashtray: full,” is quickly juxtaposed and inverted as it is revealed that the detective is a female, “Next time, I shook him, ‘C’mon mate, its time to wake up.’” The intertextual references to golden age female detectives, “thinks she’s Angela Lansbury,” and the original male hard-boiled detectives, “I could never understand Philip Marlowe and those guys,” illustrates the unique and individual persona Day has managed to create through her subversion of the gender roles of the protagonist. Through the subversion of the male detective, Day succeeds in challenging traditional gender roles, depicting a strong lead character, who manages to maintain her femininity throughout the novel.Cool. I actually like a lot of things abotu this paragraph. When you aren't quoting, and you're analysing (juxtaposition, inversion all that bullshit), you're expressing yourself really well, and the analsysis is good. The quotes are also decent(ish); however, they're too long and too often, and it takes away from the paragraph and, more importantly, it cramps your analysis. This is when a teacher would write "expand". I want you to, in detail, really EXPLAIN, like I'm an idiot, how the author is subverting gender roles (which you've done, through juxtaposition etc), but also WHY she is doing it - because of her views and values. I.e., write things like "She condemns" and "She laments" some facet of gender roles. That is, "In positioning her protagonist has highly physical and agreessive, she condemns societal prejudice that would position women as meek and passive." (and then maybe you go on to talk more about her social commentary and how she juxtaposes male and female expectations bla bal bla). Again, go about half way down of this post and you'll see I've used a spoiler and contained one of my own paragraphs. Read that part of the feedback on that person's esssay, because it explains what I mean by the proportion of quotes/explain analysis. 

The idea of the duality of technology throughout The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender depicts the popularity and experience that is generated within society.  Set in the 1980’s, a time of great technological advancement, Day creates distinctive ideas through her depiction of the dichotomy of technology. It is expressed Generally, try and rephrase "ed" words to "es" words. Like, "explores" over "explored". "Day explores" is much nicer sounding than "it is explored". When you find yourself writing "ed" words, STOP!! And try to rephrase in a punchier way.through Harry Lavender’s idiosyncratic extracts, “I stand on top of my city and see the shape of the future. It is a circuit board.” The ironic use of technology as Harry Lavender’s hired killer for Mark Bannister; “a way of killing someone by altering their pacemaker,” and what Harry Lavender eventually depends on for his own life; “The man who perpetuated his Life and Crimes through technology now depended on technology for his very breath,” illustrates Day’s concept of the prominence of technology. This idea is then continued throughout the novel, “Are computers alive?’ It puts forward the view that computers are the new life form,” further heightening societies deterrent view on the distinctive idea of “technical immortality and human mortality.”
So, look at all the blue, and look at all the red. You've introduced one idea, something about technology, and then you've tried to 'prove' the idea through quoting a TONNE of stuff relating to that idea. However, you don't necessarily want to 'prove' ideas in this way, more than you want to 'explore' them. You want to flesh out quotes and explain to the reader why and how they relate to the idea that you've put forward. However, here, you'll notice that the only real 'explaining' you do is coloured in red, and that stuff is only in your essay for the quotes to make grammatical sense. You want way more red. Currently, you're making the reader do the work for you, by giving them the quotes, and expecting THEM to analyse how it relates to technology. I know this is so tempting, becaues CLEARLY the quotes you're putting forward relate to technology ---- what is there for you to even epxlain?!?!?! ... I know it's hard, but just pretend like you're writing to a four year old and explain your quotes a bit more. This is, after all, a close study. You're meant to study the next, not show off parts of the text through quoting. This relates to the first paragraph's feedback as well. PLEASE click the link i provided and read my explanation from the other guy's essay. You need to strip back your quoting a little bit and 'explore' with more patience the stuff you're talking about. I know you were under pressure, but it's going to take a lot of discipline to make the right calls under pressure (i.e., take a bit of time to explain) rather than giving into the temptation of juts quoting a bunch of stuff. Don't worry,  I used to have this issue too :)

Throughout The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender, Day depicts the facades portrayed throughout the book, illustrating the idea that everyone has something to hide. This is mainly conveyed through the dual voices, contrasting voices of Claudia and Harry Lavender.  “The people in the street never look up. If they raised their eyes just a little they would see the history of the city. Just above the glass facades are older facades.” Harry’s distinct voice throughout the novel, creates the idea of the entire city being a façade, portraying the fact that the ordinary people do not see his city, they only see the perfect outside, not the corruption underneath. Claudia, however, does see the corruptionThis most recent stuff in green is better. You've got at least a full sentence dedicated to explaining before you quote again, which is better than the last paragraph. this is more what i want you to do, “an amusement park with a plaster grin, its painted lips the entrance to a labyrinth of company titles in which the real owner hid,” illustrating the deep deception rooted within the city and the innocent façade it exhibits to the average citizen. Not only does Day portray the city as a façade, she also portrays Sally Villos as a façade all her own, “she put make-up on, painted a red smiling mouth, drew lines that defined the beautiful dark eyes.” By originally illustrating Sally as an emotional girlfriend, Day convinces the audience of Sally’s duality, “She was a child of this city. The child of Harry Lavender.” Through the deep concept of facades, Day creates the idea of corruption within the city and it’s people and the images surrounding them.
 See the "blue-red-blue" at the end of the paragraph? That's what we don't want. (not leaving extensive feedback at htis para, would like to keep reading)
The corruption within the city of Sydney is ever present within The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender. “…The innocence of a time past, before the stench of Harry Lavender. But the stench had always been there,” the extended metaphor of ‘the stench of Lavender’ conveys the extent of Harry’s corruption within and around the city. Throughout the novel, the conflicting voices of Claudia and Harry, conceive their relationship as a cat and mouse game, portraying them a complete opposites, one will win and one will lose. “I had been caught up in his maze, looking for the piece of the cheese,” the epiphany that Claudia has, realising she is the one being controlled by Harry Lavender is confirmed through the reach of Harry’s corruption, “now I plan and it’s someone else’s finger on the trigger.” Harry Lavender is soon proven to not be immortal, as he hoped he once was, “Lavender’s in a coma. He’s not expected to last the night.” However, through his death before the publication of his biography, Harry Lavender seemingly ‘won’ against Claudia, ‘The big fish get away.” Through the depiction of Harry Lavender seemingly ‘winning’ against Claudia, Day creates a distinctive novel, by using the ideas of facades and corruption in unison.

The Life and Crimes of Harry Lavender, is a distinct and innovative novel that discusses the powerful ideas of gender assumption and bias. Day is able to achieve this through a modern based narrative style utilising Claudia Valentine as the subverted detective, creating a comment on the traditional hard-boiled genre. The truth and meaning behind many facades, including both the city and Sally Villos, the dichotomous portrayal of technology and the corruption illustrated throughout the city, all come together to create the distinctive ideas at the heart of this novel.



IN SUMMARY/things to work on:
  • Analysis/ideas are good
  • Quoting is too much
  • Quoting is too long

I think I've explained what I mean by there being too much quotes and too little analysis. But in general, with lengths of quotes, if you can integrate quotes into your sentence in "a fancy manner" and just keep it to a "few words", then it will "read much better than if you placed one enourmous quote from the book in your sentence" and then "followed it up with another pretty big quote".

Take the relevant parts of the quotes. I.e.,

Day presents technology in <some way>, using the "circuit board" to symbolise....

Rather than leaving chunks of quotes all over the place. This will also save you writing time!!!! because you can write less words for your quotes and have more seconds/minutes to write better analysis.

Let me know if you've got questions or anything like that!! :) :)



If you'd like your essay marked, you won't be able to post it until you make an ATAR Notes account here. Once you've done that, a little 'reply' button will come up when you're viewing threads, and you'll be able to copy and paste your essay and post it up here for me to mark!
✌️just do what makes you happy ✌️

hsceebz

  • Adventurer
  • *
  • Posts: 5
  • School: AHS
  • School Grad Year: 2015
Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #3 on: June 19, 2015, 03:25:29 pm »
Stasiland shows us that it is not possible to determine objective Truth. People must decide the Truth for their own individual selves. Do you agree?

In Anna Funder’s historical narrative “Stasiland”, hardship and lies are portrayed as abundant in the former German Democratic Republic (GDR). The controlling and knowledge-hungry Stasi, whom were the powerhouse of the socialist government, led to a country full of deceit, confusion, and copious amounts of pain. As Funder examines the newly-set-free lives of its citizens, she demonstrates that, due to the wildly different opinions of what occurred in this “land gone wrong”, it is impossible to determine objective truth irrespective of whether it exists or not. Funder highlights the rampant trauma in the GDR to demonstrate that not only should truth be determined on a personal level for victims to achieve closure, but that this truth should be refreshed and remain unforgotten in the country as a sense of “Ostalgie” sweeps the united Germany.

Although Funder attempts to undercover the truth of what occurred behind “der Mauer”, Stasiland ultimately highlights the extremely subjective nature of truth. Funder interviews such a vast range of people, whom tell even more vastly ranging stories. In the midst of these, one thing can be said about almost all of the characters, including ex-Stasi men - most are claiming to be the victim. Despite the legitimate victim stories of characters such as Miriam and Julia, Herr Winz claims to be currently fighting in a new war against “the lies and misrepresentation in the western media”. Heinz and Hagen Koch both wanted an escape from the GDR and its lies, while Professor Mushroom believes that “it was so much better” in socialist East Germany. These wild juxtapositions lead one to believe that Funder, through her investigating, has resigned herself to the fact that an objective truth of the GDR and Stasi, whether actually existing or not, is not possible to determine. Whether concluding this before writing Stasiland, or discovering this throughout its writing, Funder recognises that her view too is subjective. Julia retells of her sitting a “political exam” for a “translating and interpreting course”, and although Funder knows this is also “standard practice in the west”, Funder is outraged. She later admits that she is “just oversensitised”. As a result of Funder’s own admission of bias is unique, as non-fictious historical stories are usually completely objective in nature. This only acts to intensify her position on the impossibility of objective truth.

Funder alludes multiple times to the importance of subjective, personal determination of the truth, as this is necessary to provide closure for victims of the Stasi. Although some characters have left the past behind them without much thought, such as Klaus, other characters have been actively seeking the truth. Julia finds herself in contact with a “psychotherapist” with whom she is coming to terms with her past. Although she feels “violated all over again” when revisiting her past, and a physical moving on with her life was required, she was able to deal with her demons and, as we last hear from her, she is “doing great”. Although Funder was hesitant of Miriam’s investigating of Charlie’s death as a way of being “released into a new life”, Funder emphasises that through Miriam’s pursuits of truth, and through time itself, Miriam has been able to subjectively establish the truth in her past life, and have her “strings cut”. Funder also shows the importance of this determination of truth for each individual through Klaus, as although he claims he did not and does not let the Stasi “eat [him] up” and “make [him] bitter”, his lack of dealing with his past through failing to seek his own subjective truth has turned him into a victim a second time, of nicotine and alcohol. Perhaps those like Klaus believe they are “happier and healthier in their unreal worlds”. Alongside personal closure, without the truth being sought, Funder also fears history repeating itself.

“To remember or forget - which is healthier?”. Funder finds herself battling this concept for most of Stasiland, however, due to the fact she wrote the book, leans towards remembering because of “the risk of doing it all again”. In a world where the East Germans are keen to erase every reminder of their Nazi and Communist histories, Funder as a character actively seeks out the stories of the GDR’s people, and the objective documents of the Stasi. In this way she is trying to play a small part in the battle against this past “cheap and nasty world” being coloured “golden” with “Ostalgie”. Julia believes Funder’s documentation of “normal people” and their “pasts” is “important”, although it can drive Funder herself to the bar to attempt to numb the trauma she is documenting. This documentation allows Stasiland to take the reader on a journey to allow them to experience the many subjective truths of the Stasi and GDR for themselves, as is essential for a world that is slowly eradicating the controlling and ruthless power of communism.

“Stasiland”, a story of personal experiences from the citizens of the former German Democratic Republic acts as a gateway to understanding that although no definitive objective truth of the events that happened in East Germany can be ascertained among all people, the determination of the subjective truth for each individual is extremely important. Without these individuals actively seeking the truth, they may struggle with their pain-ridden pasts, from which they could never truly separate. Additionally, if people are not reminded of the truth, over time, their views of the past may become distorted, fueling the possibility of history repeating itself again.

brenden

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 7184
Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #4 on: June 19, 2015, 03:48:45 pm »
If you'd like your essay marked, you won't be able to post it until you make an ATAR Notes account here.
In Anna Funder’s historical narrative this is not the best genre to address for Stasiland; purely because it is debatable. Can you think of a better one? Try 'literary journalism'. “Stasiland” better to underline title of book. Leave the quotation marks for quotes., hardship and lies are portrayed as abundant not the best expression here. Try 'abundantly portrayed' in the former German Democratic Republic (GDR) I'm guessing you're going to write "GDR" somewhere in the body of your essay, because you have put it in brackets like this. Don't see any problem with doing this, but it can take down the sophistication of your writing by a peg or two if you try to do this in your intro.. The controlling and knowledge-hungry knowledge-hungry? Stasi, whom just leave it at 'who' were the powerhouse grammatical expression wrong here. "Stasi" is singular not plural. Try saying 'who acted as the powerhouse of the Socialist Government of the socialist government please capitalise, led to a country full of deceit, confusion, and copious amounts of pain hmm. Detect refutable exaggeration here.. As Funder examines the newly-set-free two hyphens to join 3 words? This does not make sense. I'm guessing you want to say newly set-free. Can you think of a better word than 'set-free'? lives of its citizens, she demonstrates that, due to the wildly different opinions of what occurred in this “land gone wrong”, it is impossible to determine objective truth irrespective of whether it exists or not. Funder highlights the rampant trauma in the GDR to demonstrate that not only should truth be determined on a personal level for victims to achieve closure, but that this truth should be refreshed and remain unforgotten in the country as a sense of “Ostalgie” sweeps the united Germany. really powerful way to end the intro. Got no critique here

Although Funder attempts to undercover the truth of what occurred behind “der Mauer” it's actually "die" Mauer, which I know since I'm studying 3/4 German haha, Stasiland ultimately highlights the extremely avoid these types of words. It makes what you're trying to say sound desparate and exaggerated, and thus, gives you less credibility. To the argumentative reader, the word "extremely" makes your writing parochial subjective nature of truth. Funder interviews such don't need 'such' a vast range of people, whom just 'who' tell even more vastly ranging vastly ranging? Not pleasing to the ear & does not make sense stories. In the midst of these, one thing can be said about almost all of the characters, including ex-Stasi men - most are claiming to be the victim. Despite the legitimate victim stories of characters such as Miriam and Julia, Herr Winz claims to be currently fighting in a new war against “the lies and misrepresentation in the western media”. Heinz and Hagen Koch both wanted an escape from the GDR and its lies, while Professor Mushroom believes that “it was so much better” in socialist East Germany. These wild juxtapositions lead one to believe that Funder, through her investigating, has resigned herself to the fact that an objective truth of the GDR and Stasi, whether actually existing or not, is not possible to determine. Whether concluding this before writing Stasiland underline title, or discovering this throughout its writing I had to reread this phrase to understand it. Try 'Whether concluding this during or before writing Stasiland, Funder recognises that her view too is subjective. Julia retells of her sitting a “political exam” for a “translating and interpreting course”, and although Funder knows this is also “standard practice in the west”, Funder is outraged. She later admits that she is “just oversensitised”. As a result of Funder’s own admission of bias is unique When you read this aloud, does it make sense to you?, as non-fictious it's fictitious historical stories this text is not a story. are usually completely objective in nature can you provide an example of one or two historical texts? If you do, your argument will be strengthened. This only acts to intensify her position on the impossibility of objective truth.

Funder alludes multiple times to the importance of subjective, personal determination of the truth, as this is necessary to provide closure for victims of the Stasi. Although you've already used 'although'. Try 'even though'some characters have left the past behind them without much thought, such as Klaus, other characters have been actively seeking the truth. Julia finds herself in contact with a “psychotherapist” comma with whom she is coming to terms with her past. Although she feels “violated all over again” when revisiting her past, and a physical moving on physical moving on? Write 'physical progression' instead with her life was required, she was able to deal with her demons demons? Don't think demons was mentioned anywhere in the text. Do you mean this to be a metaphorical expression, because it doesn't make sense and, as we last hear from her, she is “doing great”. Although you have used 'although' 3 times now Funder was hesitant of Miriam’s investigating should be noun investigation of Charlie’s death as a way of being “released into a new life”, Funder emphasises that through Miriam’s pursuits of truth, and through time itself, Miriam has been able to subjectively establish the truth in her past life, and have her “strings cut”. Funder also shows the importance of this determination of truth for each individual through Klaus, as do not write 'as although'. Try a semicolon. Do it would be: through Klaus; he claims... although four times now. haha he claims he did not and does not let the Stasi “eat [him] up” and “make [him] bitter”,  buthis lack of dealing with his past comma through failing to seek his own subjective truth commahas turned him into a victim a second time, full-stop. He is now prone to excessive nicotine and alcohol consumption.of nicotine and alcohol. Perhaps those like Klaus believe they are “happier and healthier in their unreal worlds”. Alongside personal closure, without the truth being sought, Funder also fears history repeating itself. this sounds like an opening. Was this supposed to be the topic sentence for the following paragraph?

“To remember or forget - which is healthier?”. Funder finds herself battling this concept for most "for most" makes Stasiland sound like it is an event. It is not; it is the title of a book. of Stasiland underline, semicolon here, not commahowever, due to the fact  that she wrote the book, leans towards remembering because of “the risk of doing it all again”. In a world where the East Germans write where 'most East Germans' instead are keen to erase every reminder of their Nazi and Communist histories, Funder as a character actively seeks out the stories of the GDR’s people, and the objective documents of the Stasi. In this way she is trying to play a small part in the battle against this past “cheap and nasty world” being coloured “golden” with “Ostalgie”. Julia believes Funder’s documentation of “normal people” and their “pasts” is “important”, although it can drive Funder herself to the bar to attempt to numb the trauma she is documenting. This documentation allows Stasiland underline to take the reader on a journey to allow them to experience the many subjective truths of the Stasi and GDR for themselves, as is essential for a world that is slowly eradicating the controlling and ruthless 'ruthless' is imprudently harsh in this context power of communism.

“Stasiland” prefer underlining, not quotation marks, a story of personal experiences from the citizens of the former German Democratic Republic commaacts as a gateway to understanding that although no definitive objective truth of the events that happened in East Germany can be ascertained among all people. Yetthe determination of the subjective truth for each individual is extremely important. Without these individuals actively seeking the truth, they may struggle with their pain-ridden pasts, from which they can never truly separate abandon. Additionally if people are not reminded of the truth, over time, their views of the past may become distorted, fueling the possibility of history repeating itself again. Over time, people who are not reminded of the truth may find that their views of the past become distorted...

Pretty good, with some hiccups to be careful of!

If you'd like your essay marked, you won't be able to post it until you make an ATAR Notes account here.
« Last Edit: June 19, 2015, 03:51:05 pm by Ned Nerb »
✌️just do what makes you happy ✌️

dhungelsajal123

  • Fresh Poster
  • *
  • Posts: 3
  • School: Xavier College
  • School Grad Year: 2016
Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #5 on: February 07, 2016, 09:35:30 pm »
Hey, thank you very much for spending your time to help me, I really appreciate it.

This is my speech that we had to do recently in class.

Thank you,
Sajal Dhungel


brenden

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 7184
Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #6 on: February 11, 2016, 10:48:59 am »
Hey, thank you very much for spending your time to help me, I really appreciate it.

This is my speech that we had to do recently in class.

Thank you,
Sajal Dhungel
Wait so, will you be using this speech again if you've done it already? (I.e., what type of feedback are you looking for?)
✌️just do what makes you happy ✌️

dhungelsajal123

  • Fresh Poster
  • *
  • Posts: 3
  • School: Xavier College
  • School Grad Year: 2016
Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #7 on: February 11, 2016, 08:59:17 pm »
Wait so, will you be using this speech again if you've done it already? (I.e., what type of feedback are you looking for?)

This is my AOS i'm planning on using for the HSC and I just needed some tips on what I could do to improve it from a low band 4 to a high band 5. Anything would be extremely helpful

brenden

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 7184
Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #8 on: February 16, 2016, 05:07:16 pm »
Hey, really sorry on the delay! I've had a heckers busy few days over the last week.

Here's your feedback!

Spoiler
Good Morning teachers and fellow peers. Discovery is an integral part of the human experience that can be provoked by curiosity and necessity. This is explored throughout Robert Frost’s poems, Mending Wall and Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening and Vincent Van Gogh’s, Starry Night where the composers convey how an individual’s identity is moulded by discovery. Frost’s compositions demonstrate how discoveries can act as a pinnacle of self actualisation whereas Van Gogh conveys the beauty of discovery in the environment, further enhancing our identities. Discovery is proven to be a multifaceted concept that alters an individual’s perceptions of self. Strong finish to this introduction!

One tip:

Swap "ed" words for "s" words. I.e., explored -> swap for explores.

"Robert Frost explores this notion in his poems <xyx>".

It will make your writing sound stronger :). Clearly, not every single word ending with "ed" is relevant to that little trick, so use your discretion!



Curiosity is a stimulant in the process of self actualization as it has the capabilities to evoke wonder. This process is further developed through Mending Wall with the use of textual allusion. ‘Spring is the mischief in me’ is a correlation to the myth of Sisyphus and demonstrates the individual’s state before leaving the confines of conformity. Both the persona and the neighbour participate in the repetitive futile action of mending the wall as an avenue to retain isolation, highlighting their damaged states. Without discovery, change is not a viable option leading to the withering of society. They are unable to break out of the barriers the persona has created for themselves until Frost uses the rhetorical question of ‘Why do they make good neighbours?’. The composer comments that the individual’s curiosity acts as a major catalyst for the development of the persona’s understandings. This emphasises the idea This is what I meant before. Notice that if you had written this sentence as .... "The idea that the wall is a formality is EMPHASISED by...", then the sentence would be worse. Here, it's good that you've used "es". that the wall is merely a formality as the contrasting nature of ‘all pine’ and ‘apple orchard’ ensure that it is not needed. Through the protagonist’s curiosity, the audience is able to grasp the profound significance of the wall as a vain attempt to maintain individualism. Our humane desire to discover ensures the progression of relationships within society and how they shape an individual’s identity over time. These discoveries can be both unexpected or result from meticulous planning.   
Good discussion of techniques here, and your writing is really clear at the moment

An individual is molded by the beauty of their surrounding environment which results with a detachment to society. Stopping By Woods On A Snowy Evening encapsulates this essence through symbolism. The audience are shown that understanding our environment is a catalyst of self discovery. Nature is a way for individuals to escape from society and the problems associated with it. This disconnection from society allows the persona to ponder their existence in the world, allowing their personal identity to develop without external influences. Frost further refines this through the repetitive motif of the woods. The woods are used to emphasize the isolation that the persona seeks and the fundamental need to achieve self actualization. The dramatic imagery of ‘lovely, dark and deep’ also illustrates the enticing and secluded nature of the woods. The juxtaposition of this also allows the composer to maintain that the woods provide the persona with a solitary environment to explore his hidden desires. The horse however, acts as the persona’s reality through ‘his harness bells a shake’, and brings him out of his trance of contemplation. Frost urges the audience that our environment instigates the discoveries we make and our experiences. The impromptu rediscovery of self is encouraged by the surrounding environment of an individual.   



The beauty of nature is an example of the beguiling concept of discovery. This alluring nature of discovery is evident throughout Van Gogh’s painting. Throughout his illustration, he extensively uses the salience of the exaggerated, expressive and elliptical brush strokes at the centre top half of the landscape to depict discovery as an essential facet of existence. It assists individuals to grow and strengthen their connection to their spirituality. This is further exploited by the visual metaphor of the yellow stars and the moon. These aspects of the painting are a representation of the limitless opportunities waiting to be unveiled. Even though discovery in the beauty of nature is elusive, paintings are a window to our souls and help uncover our darkest of desires. In addition to this, the cool dominant use of blue in the night sky background encapsulates the many discoveries that lay hidden to be found as a result of our ignorance. To open ourselves to discoveries, Van Gogh suggests we must be willing to rely on our curiosity and pave the way for new ideals. Despite the limitless nature of discoveries, measures must be taken to uncover those hidden in plain sight.
   
Both composers demonstrate that an individual’s perceptions of self are shaped by the influences of meticulous and impromptu discoveries. Robert Frost elucidates throughout Mending Wall that the fundamental nature of individuals to be curious assists in uncovering new ideas about themselves whereas throughout Stopping By The Woods On A Snowy Evening, he shows that the detachment of society opens an individual to their surroundings. Vincent Van Gogh depicts the beauty of nature as a beguiling concept through his composition of Starry Night and its ability to urge individuals to wonder. Through these texts, we understand that discovery is an integral part of the human experience.

So your writing is at a good standard. Your grammar is good, your sentences are clear, and nothing makes the reader go "wait wtf??" which is actually a very good thing haha.

Your paragraphing/choice of content could mesh better. At the moment, it seems you have a series of paragraphs that are linked only by the theme of discovery, but you could otherwise delete an entire paragraph and the essay would structurally be undamanged. This means that the paragraphs aren't "connected" to each other well enough. Ideally, if you deleted a paragrpah, it would make the essay structurally worse, because the paragraph you deleted would be structurally important. Working on 'flowing' your paragraphs into one another to develop a substantive discussion of discovery would do you a lot of good I think. This would also hopefully make your ideas shine more. Don't be afraid of getting original or complex with your discussion of discovery - it will push you up, grades wise, if you can be a bit creative with your conceptual take on the context.

✌️just do what makes you happy ✌️

katherine123

  • Trendsetter
  • **
  • Posts: 120
  • School Grad Year: 2016
Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #9 on: February 16, 2016, 11:47:46 pm »
Hi for module a (distinctively visual) henry lawson's short stories, my teacher said im not being specific enough in talking about the way how henry lawson visually constructs the images since all ive wrote about is the concept (harsh reality of the bush)   Im not sure what the module requires student to do.

jkkke

  • Adventurer
  • *
  • Posts: 7
  • School: yr12
  • School Grad Year: 2016
Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #10 on: February 27, 2016, 12:25:54 pm »
Hey this is my area of study extended response for half yearlys and planning to use it for HSC.
Just seeing if my thesis is detailed enough and if the layout is correct thankyou.

brenden

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 7184
Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #11 on: February 29, 2016, 10:48:43 am »
Hi for module a (distinctively visual) henry lawson's short stories, my teacher said im not being specific enough in talking about the way how henry lawson visually constructs the images since all ive wrote about is the concept (harsh reality of the bush)   Im not sure what the module requires student to do.
So I didn't take English Standard, but looking at the syllabus for Module A (experience through language), this is what it comes up:
Spoiler
This module requires students to explore the uses of a particular aspect of language. It
develops students’ awareness of language and helps them to understand how our
perceptions of and relationships with others and the world are shaped in written, spoken
and visual language.
So I think what your teacher might be talking about is the way that he uses language to construct imagery. I.e., "the drip, drip, drip of the blood from the knife's point" gives a strong image because of the language. And that langauge isn't conceptual (like you've been talking about). So I think your teacher might be asking... how does Henry Lawson really make the image happen in the mind of the reader?

(Do you agree or am I not on the right track here? Please feel free to give me some more information on your teacher's feedback).

Hey this is my area of study extended response for half yearlys and planning to use it for HSC.
Just seeing if my thesis is detailed enough and if the layout is correct thankyou.
Hey there! For Area of Study, we have a separate section of the website with a different person to make your pieces - it's over here! :)
✌️just do what makes you happy ✌️

mimi967

  • Fresh Poster
  • *
  • Posts: 4
  • School: Marrickville high school
  • School Grad Year: 2016
Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #12 on: February 29, 2016, 09:20:55 pm »
Hi there, so we are writing a practice essay based on last years HSC question and I'm struggling to write an essay on it because I don't really understand the question. I'm doing Run Lola Run as my set text and The Lost Thing by Shaun Tan as my related text.
The question is "Distinctive images offer a variety of perspectives on the world".
Because the question doesn't start with a verb I am a little confused as to how to plan my essay.
Sorry, that was a bit confusing.
I really appreciate this.
Thanks
Emma

jamonwindeyer

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 10150
  • The lurker from the north.
Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #13 on: February 29, 2016, 11:44:23 pm »
Hi there, so we are writing a practice essay based on last years HSC question and I'm struggling to write an essay on it because I don't really understand the question. I'm doing Run Lola Run as my set text and The Lost Thing by Shaun Tan as my related text.
The question is "Distinctive images offer a variety of perspectives on the world".
Because the question doesn't start with a verb I am a little confused as to how to plan my essay.
Sorry, that was a bit confusing.
I really appreciate this.
Thanks
Emma

Hey Emma! I did some sleuthing and that isn't the question in its entirety. The question read:
Distinctive images offer a variety of perspectives on the world.Compare how this is achieved in your prescribed text and ONE other related text of your own choosing.

So we now have a verb: COMPARE. This means we need to make specific links between how distinctive images are used in one text versus the other.

So, your essay plan should start with a Thesis Paragraph. Some central argument linking to the Module of Distinctive Imagery, and how this imagery is used by composers in different ways to demonstrate their perspectives. Your intro should explain this position, identify your texts, and also talk about the rest of your essay.

Then, you need body paragraphs. These should be backups to your Thesis. For example, you could write a paragraph on how the distinct image of alienation and difference is created differently in each text, and what this gives to the responder. Each paragraph should be a new idea, backed up by evidence, which links to the main Thesis idea.

Then, a conclusion simply re-summarises your Thesis and what conclusion you have reach based on your textual analysis.

I hope this is a good start for you! Please feel free to come back with any more questions. I'm going to set up an English Standard Question Thread for queries such as this, feel free to direct future questions there!    ;D ;D ;D

jamonwindeyer

  • Honorary Moderator
  • Great Wonder of ATAR Notes
  • *******
  • Posts: 10150
  • The lurker from the north.
Re: English Standard Essay Marking
« Reply #14 on: March 03, 2016, 02:29:26 pm »
Hi can you mark my essay on The Drover's wife by Henry Lawson? thank you  :)

Hi amandali! Sorry for the delay in getting this marked for you, I've popped some helpful comments throughout your essay!

Spoiler
In what ways are people and their experiences brought to life through the distinctively visual?

As Umberto Eco argues, a composer who makes use of distinctly visual language is one that relies on the image as a stimulus for critical reflection. Henry Lawson is a composer who effectively fulfils this criterion, as his astute first-hand observation and masterful use of distinctly visual language bring to life people and their experiences of bush life in the hostile and unforgiving Australian outback. In his short story, The Drover’s Wife, he employed clipped tone, vivid sensory imagery, vernacular expression and laconic language to bring to life a bush woman’s survival in a rough terrain to induce critical reflection of the reader and empathetic immersion in the character’s experience of bush life. Solid introduction, I like that you've given an overview of the author's writing style. Remember that you should talk about texts in the present tense, so, "he employs clipped tone...", rather than the past tense.

In Drover’s Wife, Lawson brings to life the experience of survival against the dangers of isolation in a barren environment through the use of vivid sensory imagery which draws reader into immediacy of her present crisis of being left alone in the bush. Remember your commas, grammar is still important even at this level, and that sentence needs some breaking up. He deliberately leaves the woman unnamed in order to construct her as a personification of all bush women who held the family together while their husbands are out “droving”. Personification isn't quite the right technique, I'd go with the idea that she is a symbol. Personification gives human traits to non-human objects. The use of stagnant imagery in “four ragged dried-up looking children” and “gaunt, sun-browned woman” depicts the dry, fatigue appearance of the drover’s wife and her children. This accentuates their lifelessness and reveals their fragility and struggle within the abrasive environment, thereby promoting sympathy in readers. Love this Technique-Quote-Effect-Audience Response process here. The barrenness of the environment is elucidated through the vivid diseased imagery of “the stunted, rotten apple trees”. The “apple trees” alludes to the biblical setting of Garden of Eden and the fact that it is “stunted” and “rotten” suggests the degradation of paradise. Hence, Lawson elucidates the hardships in the bush whilst conveying the stoicism and resilience of bush people through his powerful distinctive construction of the image of his characters living in a forbidding and hostile environment. Magnificent!

Furthermore, Lawson brings to life the distinctive experience of the isolated bush through the use of literal techniques embedded with a clipped tone in his story which avoids sentimentalising drover’s wife’s life experiences. This is exemplified by the alliteration in "no undergrowth, nothing to relieve the eye....nineteen miles to the nearest" which emphasises the visual images of distant landscape of vast emptiness and highlights the monotonous lifestyle in the isolated bush. As a result, her narrow world has stunted her growth and life-opportunity and also in finding pleasures in life. No audience impact/relevance here, you are ever so slightly slipping into recount. Be careful! This is established through the metaphor, “all her girlish hopes and aspirations have long been dead”, which conveys that her youthfulness and optimism has drained away as she braves the rough and hostile conditions of the bush. It is also marked by a fatalistic tone which expresses her sadness as she is not part of world she dreams of living in “castles in the air” because “her surroundings are not favourable to the development of her “womanly” or sentimental side of nature”. Your techniques and examples are bloody brilliant, make sure you are linking to the audience at all time! Thus, Lawson projects the distinctive experience of dangers in isolated bush into reader’s mind with his distinctive language which powerfully constructs the image of a monotonous bush that amplifies the struggles of bush people.

In addition, Lawson brings to life the central danger in the story through the use of laconic language in literal techniques which reinforces the blunt and fated nature of the drover’s wife. This is shown through the vicious image of primeval biblical snake in "an evil pair of small, bright, bead-like eyes" with an accumulation of adjectives which depicts its malevolent look and emphasises its desire to cause harm to the drover’s wife and her children. The drover’s wife mirrors Eve who has been tempted by the snake which caused her to be banished from paradise.  The tragic moment of the physical cost of the battle is captured through the metaphor, “all the fierce angry light dies out of his eyes”. The fading of “angry light” suggests that the dog has lost its fighting force and succumbed to death after protecting the family which encompassed the horrifying inevitable death in the relentless environment. The diseased imagery of nature is reinforced through the use of the oxymoron “sickly daylight” in the final scene to recapture the horrifying realism of the isolated bush. Go into more detail on the 'diseased' imagery, what do you mean? Lawson describes “daylight” as “sickly” to suggest her loss of hope in leaving the desolated bush and she will be in ceaseless struggle as the encounter with snake is simply one of the life’s difficulties she must overcome. Therefore, Lawson captures the drover’s wife’s experience by creating an evocative sketch of her within the hostile environment with his distinctive language. This last paragraph is slipping into recount, make sure you are linking to the impact on the audience at all times!

Moreover, Lawson brings to life the people through the use of vernacular expression in the character’s dialogue which builds realism of their experience. This introductory sentence isn't quite as clear as your others. I'd elaborate on what you mean by "brings the people to life." The drover’s wife’s son, Tom, exclaimed “I’d like to screw their blanky necks” with coarse language which amplifies his desire to be perceived as a man by dealing with the threats to his family and also reflects the chaos and harshness of the environment he is growing up in. However, the drover’s wife refuses to put him danger and takes on the masculine role instead as shown through her dialogue “Come here at once when I tell you, you little wretch!” embedded with coarse language. This reveals her sternness in her demand with no sign of femineity hence reiterating that the harshness of the environment can toughen bush women. Her masculinity is furthered through by her reaction against the snake as shown through the active verbs such as "dashes", "snatches", and "reaches". This conjures up images of immediacy which demonstrates her fierce independence, physical strength and quick-thinking, therefore reveals her resilience and tenacity and fortitude to survive “while her husband was away”. Hence, Lawson brings to life the people and their experience whilst conveying their stoicism and resilience through his depiction of the relentless bush with his distinctive use of language. I absolutely love your vocabulary, like wow, seriously impressed!

In conclusion, Lawson has employed his distinct language to construct powerful images of bush people within the abrasive environment with particular emphasis on hardship and isolation which brings to life the people and their experience and further elucidates the stoicism and resilience of bush people. Your conclusion should have a little more meat to it. See my comment below for a suggestion.


This is a cracker of an essay. Your vocabulary is incredible, you have an excellent variety of examples with different techniques and you explain them in an extremely sophisticated way. You should be very proud of it! To improve, I think you need to do two things:

1. You need a stronger conceptual focus for your essay. At the moment, your thesis is based around the texts themselves, and how they use techniques to create powerful images for the responder. You need to abstract slightly. As an indicator, you should be able to write your Thesis statement without referencing either text. You are almost there, try hopping over to the English Advanced forums and having a read of the English Advanced Module A Guide . You are writing at the level of an Advanced student, so you might take something from it.
Essentially, I would try to blend something conceptual into your Thesis, similar to what is required in AoS. Your thesis isn't on your Prescribed Text, it is on the concept of Discovery and your text is the example. This is where you need to move your essay to to get maximum marks.
2. Make sure you are constantly discussing the impact on us as the audience. Without doing this, you slip into recount. The focus in this Module is about how the images impact on the audience, be sure this permeates through every paragraph and your Thesis.

I hope this helps! I realise that first comment is a little loaded and perhaps confusing, please let me know if you need something a little more methodical/clear!  ;D