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January 29, 2022, 06:11:58 am

Author Topic: [English] Text Response - Colm Toibin's Brooklyn essay marking please? :)  (Read 10295 times)  Share 

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lpnly

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‘Without her family and disconnected from a sense of home, Eilis becomes a ‘shadow’ and a ‘ghost’. What enables her to regain a sense of identity in Brooklyn?

Colm Toibin’s novel ‘Brooklyn’ explores the struggles of immigrants in their journey to start a new life. Eilis immigration to Brooklyn instills many obstacles that she must eventually overcome; this eventual succeed over her difficulties in New York comes from her hidden strengths and through the help of other characters who assist Eilis’ transition into her new life. Furthermore, Tony and his family offer her the chance to start anew in America. However, despite beginning to settle into Brooklyn, returning to Ireland brings back the strangeness of Brooklyn for Eilis. Subsequently, Eilis’ eventual assimilation into her new life is by her own strengths and through the assistants of others, although this identity that she gains is not solidified as her sub sequential return to Ireland conflicts with her new identity.

Toibin's portrayal of Eilis' character illustrates one's ability to find strengths in time of hardship. Eilis eventual recovery from homesickness is instigated by her determination to move on and not disappoint those around her. Even though being homesick felt 'like hell', she knew that her family and the people at Bartocci would be disappoint if she was unable to muster the strength regain herself in the first few months. Without telling her family, Eilis feels like she has 'no choice' but to move on from these obstacles that prevents her from settling into Brooklyn. The determination and will power helped Eilis gain the confidence that enables her to be open to exploring new opportunities and be opened to influences from America. She grows to be less defenceless, forming her own voice and becomes brave enough to defend the coloured customers from the ridicule of the boarders. Eilis' decision to not allow her homesickness get to her allowed Eilis to strengthen her personality, becoming stronger, braver and more willing to immerse herself in the culture of Brooklyn and what i can offer to her. It is through EIlis that Toibin conveys the significance of Eilis'strength and will power in both overcoming her homesickness and gaining  an identity.

Sorry that it's only 1 paragraph so far.
Thank you in advance :)
My writing style is rather simple - please let me know if this would affect my results at the end of the year. I am aiming for a 41 raw in English.
« Last Edit: March 14, 2015, 05:41:00 pm by lpnly »

nat_1577

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Okay so I took look through this - I'll highlight any awkward phrasing/sentences in red, and annotate in purple :)

Colm Toibin’s novel ‘Brooklyn’ explores the struggles of immigrants in their journey to start a new life. Eilis immigration to Brooklyn instills many obstacles that she must eventually overcome; this eventual succeed over her difficulties maybe you could try something like 'triumph' instead? 'succeed' doesn't really fit with that wording in New York comes from her hidden strengths and through the help of other characters who assist Eilis’ transition into her new life. Furthermore,maybe try not to signpost so much in the intro - it sounds ab it awkward just because the sentences in an intro are so short. You could just start the sentence with something like, "characters like Tony and his family..." Tony and his family offer her the chance to start anew in America. However, despite beginning to settle into Brooklyn, returning to Ireland brings back the strangeness of Brooklyn for Eilis. Subsequently, Eilis’ eventual assimilation into her new life is by her own strengths and through the assistants of others, although this identity that she gains is not solidified as her sub sequential return to Ireland conflicts with her new identity.

Good intro - maybe you could suggest the fact that Eilis' sense of identity in Brooklyn is never solidified due to her time there being interrupted by her return to Ireland a little earlier in the paragraph, Then you could go on to saying basically what you've said here - that, despite this, she experiences and begins to integrate herself into the Brooklyn way of life, ect (basically it'll just mean that you have a clear link to the question at the end of the intro - the question focuses on what assists her in regaining a sense of identity, not whether she does.

Toibin's portrayal of Eilis' character illustrates one's ability to find strengths in time of hardship. Eilis eventual recovery from homesickness is instigated by her determination to move on and not disappoint those around her. Even though being homesick felt 'like hell', she knew that her family and the people at Bartocci would be disappoint if she was unable to muster the strength regain herself in the first few months. Without telling her family, Eilis feels like she has 'no choice' but to move on from these obstacles that prevents her from settling into Brooklyn. The determination and will power helped Eilis gain the confidence that enables her to be open to exploring new opportunities and be opened to influences from America. She grows to be less defenceless, forming her own voice and becomes brave enough to defend the coloured customers from the ridicule of the boarders. Eilis' decision to not allow her homesickness get to her allowed Eilis to strengthen her personality, becoming stronger, braver and more willing to immerse herself in the culture of Brooklyn and what i can offer to her. It is through EIlis that Toibin conveys the significance of Eilis'strength and will power in both overcoming her homesickness and gaining  an identity.

I think you're writing style is quite good - it's not overly simplistic, and if you feel it is, just try learning a few descriptive words, synonyms, ect. to add something extra to it :)

The main issues are that there's a lack of quotes - there should be about 3 quotes in each paragraph. I think it'd be best to have longer quotes - they'd provide stronger support for your claims. Evidence is also an issue - there's a lot of great insight here into Eilis' character, but not much to support it. For instance - "Eilis' decision to not allow her homesickness get to her allowed Eilis to strengthen her personality" - can you think of any examples of when Eilis controls her feelings of homesickness?

So basically, just try to get some more quotes in, and a few more examples. Also, a thing that really lifts the quality of an essay is the mention of the author's structural choices. Toibin uses a massive array of structural techniques in his writing. My teacher told us to try and use one in each paragraph at the very least - you could use these as evidence, and they'd take your writing to a different level. For instance - if you were trying to talk about the changes Eilis undergoes in Brooklyn, you could speak about the parallels Toibin creates between Brooklyn and Ireland, about the use of language as Eilis struggles with her emotions (the beach scene with Tony for instance - the language detailing his actions is very domineering, and yet Eilis' feelings of happiness and content contrast with this).

So yeah - just try to link any claims you make about the text to a quote/example/mention of structure

rayannelmu

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what are some structural techniques that Colm Toibon uses