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Author Topic: Compilation of Text Response Feedback  (Read 72788 times)  Share 

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Romaboy

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Re: [English] [Text Response] [Feedback]
« Reply #30 on: February 27, 2013, 07:41:58 am »
0
Is that your SAC prompt, Romaboy?

It's the question I chose for the SAC. We got to choose one out of three a week before the SAC.
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brenden

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Re: [English] [Text Response] [Feedback]
« Reply #31 on: February 27, 2013, 10:46:08 am »
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Sorry man, but I would feel uncomfortable giving feedback for an assessment task to be memorised. Anyone else is absolutely free to mark it if they please.
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akeergar

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Re: [English] [Text Response] [Feedback]
« Reply #32 on: March 02, 2013, 07:31:43 pm »
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Hey guys,
If anyone could mark this for me. It's my first essay for the year so any feedback is welcome

'Somax is used in Ransom merely to provide entertainment and humour'. Do you agree?
 
David Malouf’s incandescent reworking of a classic Greek epic in his fable prose, Ransom, is evident in his addition of Somax’s character to guide Priam on his journey towards the Greek camp. Somax, playing a multimodal role in Ransom, is characterised by Malouf to symbolise the “simple folk” – pragmatic, content and humble. In this way, Somax’s tranquil character naturally casts some earthy humour to the often disturbing novel, yet there is an evident underlying complexity to his character that is initially dissembled by this common exterior. Malouf’s deliberate juxtaposing of Somax’s character to the “world of ceremony” that is central to Priam in his “realm of the royal”, is important in facilitating the pivotal development of Priam’s character throughout the novel.

Somax’s dominate voice as storyteller, companied with his strange traits, act as a source of entertainment, engaging some delight in the reader and thus briefly removing us from the otherwise depressing themes of Malouf’s prose. In Somax’s unexceptional introduction – a “man the whole town recognises as a simple carter” – the reader is given a small insight into his relationship with “the mule that has brought him” into Priam’s royal realm, Beauty. The unaccustomed love story between Somax and Beauty coaxes an immediate interest in the reading while the neglected Shock, Somax ‘other’ mule, receives our amused sympathy.  His “coaxing and sweet-talking” of Beauty and the “small secrets” they share add to the flashes of humour in Malouf prose, while softening our impression of Somax. As he and Priam make their way to the Greek camps, Somax tendency to let “his tongue run on, with no fear at all, it seemed, of being taken for a mere rattle or chatterer” becomes our second source of entertainment. The stories of his daughter-in-law and her pikelets, “or griddlecakes as some people call them”, are seemingly irrelevant tales that become a “pleasant way of filling the time” as they strangely capture our interest. Contrastingly, Somax recounting of his children, the “poor things” that “died too early”, strikes sympathy in the reader however also revealing the inner complexity of feeling unexpected from this deceptively simple character. 

As the complexity of Somax’s character is revealed through his act of storytelling, these tales also serve to remind Priam of the universal aspects of the human condition — loss, regret, grief —  as the two men, who are otherwise separated by the unbridgeable gulf of social rank, forge a common understanding. Somax’s story of the death of his children, especially the “older child, a boy” who would “take the milk” of his sister as she was “so sickly she couldn’t feed”, revealed the underlying grief and loss that grips Somax. As he recounts the fatal day his son died, “sweating”, even then, “just at the memory of it”, the reader begins to get a sense of the past pain and loss that has contributed to Somax’s unique view of the world, making him a much more well-rounded character. Juxtaposed with Somax evident grief, Priam’s detached relationship with his many son’s had left him with “much to take in”. He could share in no memory of the intimate moments Somax had with his children, all “he recalls is a series of small squalling bundles, each one presented to him like a bloodied human offering on the outstretched palms of an attendant”. The psychological abjection he had so obliviously been suffering became evident to Priam as he listened to “the lively manner, so full of emotion” in which Somax spoke of his children. With this Somax becomes the driving force that unintentionally facilitates Priam’s development as a character.

Somax embodies Priam’s vision of unadorned simplicity and authenticity and through him Priam is thus able to learn to appreciate the unadorned beauty of a world outside his “royal realm”.  The fertile natural world between encampment and city reflect Somax’s raw and earthy character. In this way, Malouf not only explores Somax inner-working but the contents of his realm. It is the natural world that Somax is custom with, yet juxtaposed with the private and enclosed spaces of bedchambers and inner courts that dominate Priam’s realm; it is a foreign land for Priam. For this reason, Malouf deliberately pays close attention to the settings that surround the men. Evident in the close descriptions of the ancient name for a river – Menderes, that the men cross, “the bone-white gravel of its bed”, the “glossy-leafed rosebay bushes” that grow in “flowering clumps on the island between” and all the other very detailed intimate workings of this river and its wildlife, invites the reader to begin to appreciate that “everything was just itself”, to be “bewildering”, while also foreshadowing Priam’s own journey in learning to appreciate the simplicities of life himself. In this same way, Somax amused familiarity to the “fingerlings” that “nosed in and nudged and nibbled at him” compared to Priam’s “uncertain” and anxious reaction, demonstrates Somax intrinsic connection with the natural world around him. His belief that we are “children of nature” and of “the earth” helps Priam, not necessarily have the same connection, but gain a sense of awareness of things, outside his realm, that he had once allowed to be so ignorantly foreign to him. 

Undoubtedly it is Somax vernacular character, the attributes of colloquial human nature, which lends itself to his general likability and humour, yet it would be remiss to neglect Malouf’s core intentions for creating his character. Instead, Malouf demonstrates the complexity of even the most simplistic beings. By juxtaposing the unembellished life of Somax to the “royal realm” of Priam, Malouf is able to demonstrate the similarities even the most socially unequal individuals can share. Moreover, by making this distinction apparent, Malouf extols the power of the common man in instigating change, ultimately demonstrating to the reader that the power to influence change in others does not lie exclusively in the glorified or the powerful individual, but that the power often lies in the unexceptional beings – the “simple folk”.
« Last Edit: March 04, 2013, 09:55:10 am by akeergar »
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MonsieurHulot

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Re: [English] [Text Response] [Feedback]
« Reply #33 on: March 13, 2013, 07:54:48 pm »
0
I wrote this in a little over an hour, so the word count is a bit low; but I would appreciate any feedback, specifically regarding any overall issues with my writing.

"The ignorance of the villagers is more powerful than Anna's growing knowledge." Discuss

In the mid-1660s, the burgeoning Age of Enlightenment was beginning to influence societal views of knowledge and personal liberty. Year of Wonders, a historical fiction novel by Geraldine Brooks, presents an exploration of the dichotomy between new, enlightened views and those that are detritus of the Dark Ages. The villagers of the town are ignorant, and this has an immediately noticeable, destructive effect. Anna's blossoming knowledge liberates her, but it cannot save the people she loves from the powerful destruction of the ignorant villagers.

The murder of Mem and Anys Gowdie is an exemplar of the blind anger brought about the villagers' benightedness. They know that the Gowdies are "well skilled in physic" and that they are "all the better off on account of it". Yet their incomprehension and mistrust of the Gowdies' skills makes them the targets of the villagers fury. The image of Mem lying on the earth as "dark water spewed from her mouth", and later, Anys "unrecognisable, purple and bloated" arrestingly illuminates the sheer destructive power of the villagers' ignorance.

Also portrayed in the scene of the Gowdies' lynching is Anna's impotence. She attempts to help Mem but is not match for the mob's rage. Her efforts to stop John Gordon are feeble compared to his power. She "knew [her] strength was insufficient to his frenzy". In this case, her encyclopaedic knowledge of the scripture is of no use, nor is her experience with birthing lambs. Her knowledge fails her, having no power against that of the villagers'; "distorted by drink and grief". Anna is later powerless again to prevent the murder of her closest friend, Elinor. Anna, along with the rest of the parishioners, is paralysed, unable to help as Aphra cuts Elinor's throat. Aphra, driven insane by loss, turns to dark sources for belief, and Anna is too afraid to confront her after seeing the rituals in her stepmother's house. This portrayal of the ineffectuality of Anna's knowledge highlights the fact that, more often than not throughout the novel, blind ignorance has greater power than Anna's enlightenment.

However, Anna's erudition and understanding of life does have powerful effects. Her gentle and compassionate delivery of Mary Daniel's baby is in stark contrast to the savage, unenlightened practices of the barber-surgeon that led to the death of Anna's mother and baby sister. Her first-hand knowledge of midwifery allows her to save potentially two lives in the Daniels household. This has a great effect on Mary, who otherwise would have had to suffer through childbirth alone.This proves that Anna can have a powerful effect, although not on the scale of that of the villagers'.

Anna's knowledge brings her freedom, and the means by which to save her life. Threatened by the Bradfords, she flees; first to Plymouth, then Venice and finally Oran. Here, her knowledge allows her to work as a midwife for Ahmed Bey, who is stymied by the strict gender roles of Muslim North Africa. Anna continues her study as Bey's wife. Her flourished knowledge allows her this escape, as she would not be as useful were she merely an ignorant villager.

The ignorance of the villagers has an effect to which they are blind. Their ignorance allows them to be influenced, even exploited. As soon as Michael Mompellion sees George Viccars' sores, he suspects the Plague. Using his contacts, he sends away for more information from the doctors at Cambridge. The villagers do not have this luxury. Mompellion withholds his more advanced knowledge, instead appealing to the villagers' faith to convince them to stay. Knowledge is power, and had the villagers had the same knowledge as Mompellion, their choice may have been very different. The educated Bradfords choose to flee, the ignorant have little choice but to stay.

Despite the disturbing destruction of arising from the villagers, their ignorance ultimately traps them in the "wide, green prison". Anna's knowledge is ineffectual against physical power, but she fortifies the town and helps deliver babies safely, perhaps saving many more lives than were taken by the hateful villagers. Brooks portrays the 1660s as a time of struggle, with enlightenment ultimately triumphing over blind ignorance.

Lolly

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Re: [English] [Text Response] [Feedback]
« Reply #34 on: March 16, 2013, 05:05:57 pm »
0
So here's just one paragraph for Interpreter of Maladies text response ( the teacher doesn't have time to mark a whole essay....) Feedback definitely appreciated. It feels like an age since I last did text response and I'm quite out of practice.  Thanks. :) ( edit: This is now two paragraphs, because 400 words is too long for one paragraph :P )


“Lahiri demonstrates that even within marriage, individuals can experience isolation”

Throughout the anthology, Lahiri explores human alienation, revealing how personal vulnerability lies hidden at the core of our closest relationships. Her characters are often ensconced behind facades of stability and security in marriage, yet the narrative reveals the depth of isolation felt within these relationships.  This notion is prominent within the title story “ Interpreter of Maladies” through the depiction of Mrs Das, a woman who has experienced  her marriage in seclusion, “ left at home all day with the baby, surrounded by toys that made her trip when she walked”. Her life has been compromised by her relationship “as a result of spending all her time in college with Raj... she did not make many close friends”. Here, Lahiri reveals how relationships can paradoxically cause isolation.  This idea is reinforced by Mr Kapasi’s reflection that he and his wife,“…had little in common apart from three children and a decade of their lives”, this expressing how marriage is not always conducive to love or intimacy.  Mr Kapasi’s loneliness is evident as he attempts to make a connection with Mrs Das. He relates to her feelings of  being trapped in a relationship that has long since deteriorated. “ the signs…from his own marriage  were there – the bickering, the indifference, the protracted silence.” In this way, Lahiri illustrates the secluding effect of dysfunctional marriage.

 Furthermore,  Lahiri demonstrates how the protective forces of marriage are eroded by personal tragedy.Such estrangement  is explored through Shoba and Shukumar in “ A Temporary Matter”, as Shoba’s miscarriage causes both she and Shukumar to withdraw into their own worlds, rather than turning to each other for comfort. This is emphasised through Shukumar's observation "of how he and Shoba had become experts at avoiding each other”, portraying  Shoba and Shukumar’s relationship as a mere semblance what it was before. Their isolation is exacerbated by their lack of communication “ He thought of how long it had been since she…had smiled, or whispered his name”.  In this way, Lahiri communicates how marriage does not always grant immunity against personal desolation, instead highlighting how individuals feel constrained under the weight of its implications.
« Last Edit: March 16, 2013, 05:51:52 pm by lollymatron »

werdna

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Re: [English] [Text Response] [Feedback]
« Reply #35 on: March 18, 2013, 01:07:22 am »
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So here's just one paragraph for Interpreter of Maladies text response ( the teacher doesn't have time to mark a whole essay....) Feedback definitely appreciated. It feels like an age since I last did text response and I'm quite out of practice.  Thanks. :) ( edit: This is now two paragraphs, because 400 words is too long for one paragraph :P )


“Lahiri demonstrates that even within marriage, individuals can experience isolation”

Throughout the anthology, Lahiri explores human alienation, revealing how personal vulnerability lies hidden at the core of our closest relationships. Her characters are often ensconced behind facades of stability and security in marriage, yet the narrative reveals the depth of isolation felt within these relationships.  This notion is prominent within the title story “ Interpreter of Maladies” through the depiction of Mrs Das, a woman who has experienced  her marriage in seclusion, “ left at home all day with the baby, surrounded by toys that made her trip when she walked”. Her life has been compromised by her relationship “as a result of spending all her time in college with Raj... she did not make many close friends”. Here, Lahiri reveals how relationships can paradoxically cause isolation.  This idea is reinforced by Mr Kapasi’s reflection that he and his wife,“…had little in common apart from three children and a decade of their lives”, this expressing how marriage is not always conducive to love or intimacy.  Mr Kapasi’s loneliness is evident as he attempts to make a connection with Mrs Das. He relates to her feelings of  being trapped in a relationship that has long since deteriorated. “ the signs…from his own marriage  were there – the bickering, the indifference, the protracted silence.” In this way, Lahiri illustrates the secluding effect of dysfunctional marriage.

 Furthermore,  Lahiri demonstrates how the protective forces of marriage are eroded by personal tragedy.Such estrangement  is explored through Shoba and Shukumar in “ A Temporary Matter”, as Shoba’s miscarriage causes both she and Shukumar to withdraw into their own worlds, rather than turning to each other for comfort. This is emphasised through Shukumar's observation "of how he and Shoba had become experts at avoiding each other”, portraying  Shoba and Shukumar’s relationship as a mere semblance what it was before. Their isolation is exacerbated by their lack of communication “ He thought of how long it had been since she…had smiled, or whispered his name”.  In this way, Lahiri communicates how marriage does not always grant immunity against personal desolation, instead highlighting how individuals feel constrained under the weight of its implications.

Intro should be broader in scope. Body paragraph is way too short. Watch your tenses, use metalanguage to discuss, more quoting etc.

jeanweasley

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Re: [English] [Text Response] [Feedback]
« Reply #36 on: March 18, 2013, 11:47:18 am »
0
Hi all! I need feedback for my essay.
Did this in 58 min but may not be fully indicative of my performance as I typed it


“Year of Wonders” demonstrates the sinister side of religious fervour. Discuss.

Geraldine Brooks’ “Year of Wonders” explores not only the sinister side of religious fervour but also the humanistic ideals which evolve from it. The restrictive mindsets of most of the people in Eyam drive people to use others as scapegoats as a result of their fear from the Plague. It is also through religous fervour, however, which helps shape Eyam through the compassionate actions emulated by Anna, Elinor and Mompellion in their daily toil with Plague sufferers.

The villagers’ restrictive minds and ignorance from pursuing knowledge lead them to use others as scapegoats to satisfy their desire to explain the occurrence of the Plague. From the Puritan beliefs of Mr Stanley, a previous town pastor who believed that God’s actions were to “punish or chastise” and that actions were ever only “godly and right or Satanic or evil”, it is evident that this belief forms as a basis for most of the townspeople’s motivations in finding the reason for Plague’s occurrence. As they are fearful of the emergence of new knowledge found in science or the herbs and cures which Anys and Mem develop, the villagers, such as Lib Hancock condemn Anys and Mem as they are social outcasts and can easily be blamed as they had no husbands and were therefore thought to be witches. This belief leads the villagers to use Mem and Anys as scapegoats to give reason for the Plague. In fact, Anys’ mocking revelation is indicative of the townspeople’s ignorance as they believed that she had “lain with the devil”. Brooks utilises the red dress to display Anys’s fieriness and her sexual independence as a woman as she was able to choose her fate and the men she slept with. This contrasts with the many women’s restrictive thinking, especially Ahpra who was jealous with Anys because she was free from the burden of following a man’s orders as she was unmarried, unlike Ahpra. Brooks demonises the villagers for the death of Mem and Anys as they are scapegoats who have paid for the ignorance of mankind and their reluctance of accepting new knowledge because of their fear.

Religous extremists such as Mompellion are condemned as Brooks believe that total emulation of God can prove to be fatal and will only lead to questioning the purpose of one’s religion. Mompellion’s belief that he knows God’s words is a foundation to his downfall. He believes that his wife must atone for her past sins as he as a “scale of justice” must weigh her sins with her atonement. This belief that Mompellion alone can decide what must happen to his wife gives him dominance over her as he is the “image of God” on Earth. Mompellion’s act of emulation in being the all-knowing God has its consequences as he blames God for the death of his beloved wife and for the many deaths that the Plague brings. He attributes these to God and finds him a “poor listener” as many have died. This leads him to a sexual encounter with Anna arguing that because he no longer believes in God, he is “free to do whatever I please”. On the other hand, John Gordon becomes a flagellant and “scourge[  s]” himself because he believes that the Plague occurred because of human sins and in order to atone for it, flagellates himself. In the end, he dies by the river. Brooks does not support the idea that no one can possibly interpret God’s words because he is an omnipotent authority and that total emulation of him or religious extremism can cause dire consequences.

However, compassion arises from religous fervour through the works of Anna, Elinor and Mompellion who make it their duty to care for the Plague sufferers and to raise their morale through the whole encounter with the Plague. Mompellion proposes for quarantine and convinces the villagers that the Plague is a “casket of gold” and a gift from God that must be faced. The act of quarantine itself is considerate of other villagers as the Plague was contagious and could have affected other cities. Anna and Elinor also help the villagers through their knowledge of medicine and through the symbolism of Anna being the shepherd; she becomes one of the leaders who tend to their needs and to look after them. This is evident in Anna retrieving Merry Wickford’s mine although she was fearful because her husband had died in mine. However, she overcomes her fear and is able to help. Elinor also provides Anna knowledge and in her knowledge groom her to become the town healer and midwife. Brooks portrays that hope in the time of adversity will overcome it as people like Anna, Elinor and Mompellion help the villagers to remain strong and withstand the damages of the Plague.

Brooks examines religious fervour and contrasts its sinister and amiable side arguing that ignorance and limited knowledge lead people into using others as scapegoats. Total emulation of God and religious extremism is proven to be dangerous as Brooks believes it is destructive the faith that they believe in. In contrast, Brooks shapes certain characters to show compassion in times of adversity and uses this to affirm that it is through knowledge of the world that one better understands the purpose of it.
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Lolly

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Re: [English] [Text Response] [Feedback]
« Reply #37 on: March 18, 2013, 06:50:54 pm »
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Intro should be broader in scope. Body paragraph is way too short. Watch your tenses, use metalanguage to discuss, more quoting etc.

 Thanks for the feedback. :)
These are both meant to be body paragraphs but I split them in two. Fair comment though -  I should add more depth and analysis to the second paragraph.

 Feel free to prove me wrong, but I just read it over and the tenses look fine to me....? I mean, yes, I change tenses - eg "
this notion is prominent" as opposed to "Mrs Das, a woman who has experienced her marriage in seclusion"  - but we're talking about her past and the quote is from her anecdote to Mr Kapasi, so in this case, isn't the change in tense appropriate....? Again please let me know if I've missed an error.


And thanks,  I will defs use more metalanguage. I think I'm just confusing myself between Lit analysis and text response. I actually rewrote it and removed some of the analytical stuff to make it flow better and embedded quotes instead of using metalanguage gdkjhouehifeshdskjh I'm overthinking but thanks for pointing that out. 


brenden

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Re: [English] [Text Response] [Feedback]
« Reply #38 on: April 01, 2013, 02:51:44 pm »
+4
Okay I'm going on an essay marking spree. All in this post. Before each essay I mark I'll include a hyperlink so you know which is the unmarked version. Regular disclaimers apply to all essays: I haven't read all these texts, I am not experts in these texts, the things you should pay most attention to is what I'm telling you could be improved with your language, and you're really better off with someone expert at your texts giving you feedback. I will also be indecisive occasionally with my feedback because I'm not sure if I want to criticise it or whether it would work well specifically for the text.[/b]



Re: [English] [Text Response] [Feedback]
'Somax is used in Ransom merely to provide entertainment and humour'. Do you agree?
 
David Malouf’s incandescent reworking of a classic Greek epic in his fable prose, Ransom, is evident in his addition of Somax’s character to guide Priam on his journey towards the Greek camp. Okay there is quite a lot going on in this sentence-I feel like it could be simplified (and thus better expressed). You've used "his addition" of Somax... when shouldn't it be inclusion, in the fable, rather than an addition? And what is evident? His incandescent reworking? I don't like addition/inclusion, should just be like "Somax is characterised/utilised as/etc." - But I guess you're disagreeing with the prompt. Good move. Somax, playing a multimodal role in Ransom, is characterised by Malouf to symbolise I feel like 'embody' would be more appropriate than 'symbolise' here. the “simple folk” – pragmatic, content and humble. In this way, Somax’s tranquil character naturally casts some earthy humour to the often disturbing novel, yet there is an evident underlying complexity to his character that is initially dissembled by this common exterior.Good. Malouf’s deliberate avoid this please god.juxtaposing Tip for punchy writing: Avoid words ending with 'ing' unless it would be silly to avoid it. 'deliberate juxtaposing' is just a huge flow-killing phrase. BustaRhymes would cry. "Somax's juxtaposition with the 'world of ceremony', central to Priam...., is important...." even "The juxtaposition between..." or "Malouf juxtaposes..." of Somax’s character to the “world of ceremony” that is central to Priam in his “realm of the royal”, is important in facilitating the pivotal development of Priam’s character throughout the novel. Get a thesis statement. You could also offer a little bit more complexity. Some people I guess might keep it short, but your intro is your first impression, so I always spent a while making mine excellent. (but it is your first essay). Job well done, I say.

Okay, so you've  gone for "Somax still entertains!" even though your contention (I think) is "That's not all he does, guys"... Right after you've said your contention is "that's not all he does" you start talking about how he's funny. See how that could mess with the reader's mind? Keep this paragraph til your third, I reckon.Somax’s dominate voice as storyteller, companied with his strange traits, act as a source of entertainment, engaging some delight in the reader and thus briefly removing us from the otherwise depressing themes of Malouf’s prose. In Somax’s unexceptional introduction – a “man the whole town recognises as a simple carter” is this the title? It doesn't gel with the sentence. Quote could be better incorporated – the reader is given a small insight into his relationship with “the mule that has brought him” into Priam’s royal realm, Beauty. The unaccustomed love story between Somax and Beauty coaxes an immediate interest in the reading while the neglected Shock, Somax's ‘other’ mule, receives our I don't like the 'our'amused sympathy.  His “coaxing and sweet-talking” of Beauty and the “small secrets” they share add to the flashes of humour in Malouf's prose, while softening our impression of Somax. As he and Priam make their way to the Greek camps, Somax tendency to let “his tongue run on, with no fear at all, it seemed, of being taken for a mere rattle or chatterer” becomes our second source of entertainment. The stories of his daughter-in-law and her pikelets, “or griddlecakes as some people call them”, are seemingly irrelevant tales that become a “pleasant way of filling the time” as they strangely capture our interest. Contrastingly, Somax recounting of his children, the “poor things” that “died too early”, strikes sympathy in the reader however also revealing the inner complexity of feeling unexpected from this deceptively simple character.  This is much a retelling of the story. What you've done here I'd pretty much concentrate into the first part of your paragraph and then analyse some more complex evidence later on so it's less retelly. Definitely wouldn't use it as a first paragraph. Part of the retellyness is that it sort of seems to lack an argument--and what about his dominant voice of storyteller? This would be great to analyse, how the narrator is used, that's complex as fuck, but here you've mentioned it and then left it deader than disco.

As the complexity of Somax’s character is revealed through his act of storytellingagain! Are you just wanting to tell us that you know he is the storyteller? I hope you analyse this!, these tales also serve to remind Priam of the universal aspects of the human condition — loss, regret, griefSomething tells me you really like to use the dash in your writing. This is okay, but too much is too much, it can look novice. I think a good writer won't need the dash as much as a lesser writer by way of his use of grammar and other punctuation. Too many dashes can kill an essay imo. (That being said, I still used like, two dashes in my English exam because I was pressed for time)Are these the human condition or the universal aspects? You shouldn't use the dashes here. You need to concentrate on articulating your thoughts in a clear way, you've used the dash because you want to fit more thought than the sentence can handle...I also just realised Somax might not be the narrator, but a guy who tell stories. Wow. *punches myself in the face*. as the two men, who are otherwise separated by the unbridgeable gulf of social rank, forge a common understanding. Somax’s story of the death of  double of, could be avoided for better expressionhis children, especially the “older child, a boy” who would “take the milk” of his sister as she was “so sickly she couldn’t feed”, revealed the underlying grief and loss that grips Somax. As he recounts the fatal day his son died, “sweating”, even then, “just at the memory of it”, the reader begins to get a sense of the past pain and loss that has contributed to Somax’s unique view of the world, making him a much more well-rounded character. Good!Juxtaposed with Somax's... You've left our a possessive apostrophe a lot in this essay... Stop it! haha evident grief, Priam’s detached relationship with his many son’sused apostrophe to denote plurality. no. had left him with “much to take in”. He could share in no memory of the intimate moments Somax had with his children, all “he recalls is a series of small squalling bundles, each one presented to him like a bloodied human offering on the outstretched palms of an attendant”. The psychological abjection he had so obliviously been suffering became evident to Priam as he listened to “the lively manner, so full of emotion” in which Somax spoke of his children. With this Somax becomes the driving force that unintentionally facilitates Priam’s development as a character. I feel like you need to link it back to the prompt in a stronger way (i was always very rigid with this)

Somax embodies Priam’s vision of unadorned simplicity and authenticity and through him Priam learns is thus able to learn to appreciate the unadorned beauty of a world outside his “royal realm”. Good t.s  The fertile natural world between encampment and city reflect Somax’s raw and earthy character. In this way, Malouf not only explores Somaxpossessive!!!!!!!!!!!!!! inner-working but the contents of his realm. It is the natural world that Somax is custom with, yet juxtaposed with the private and enclosed spaces of bedchambers and inner courts that dominate Priam’s realm; it is a foreign land for Priam. this is unfinished. Yet leaves room for more than just 'juxtaposed with x' For this reason, Malouf deliberately pays close attention to the settings that surround the men. Evident in the close descriptions of the ancient name for a river – Menderes, that the men cross, “the bone-white gravel of its bed”, the “glossy-leafed rosebay bushes” that grow in “flowering clumps on the island between” and all the other very detailed intimate workings of this river and its wildlife, invites the reader to begin to appreciate that “everything was just itself”, to be “bewildering”, while also foreshadowing Priam’s own journey in learning to appreciate the simplicities of life himself. In this same way, Somax amused familiarity to the “fingerlings” that “nosed in and nudged and nibbled at him” compared to Priam’s “uncertain” and anxious reaction, demonstrates Somax intrinsic connection with the natural world around him. His belief that we are “children of nature” and of “the earth” helps Priam, not necessarily have the same connection, but gain a sense of awareness of things, outside his realm, that he had once allowed to be so ignorantly foreign to him.  Again I tyhink you need a sentence here that strongly ties it back to the prompt. This paragraph I think is more standout than the rest

Undoubtedly it is Somaxppppppppppppppppooooosssssssessssive vernacular character, the attributes of colloquial human nature, which lends itself to his general likability and humour, yet it would be remiss to neglect Malouf’s core intentions for creating his character. Instead, Malouf demonstrates the complexity of even the most simplistic beings. By juxtaposing the unembellished life of Somax to the “royal realm” of Priam, Malouf is able to demonstrate the similarities even the most socially unequal individuals can share. Moreover, by making this distinction apparent, Malouf extols the power of the common man in instigating change, ultimately demonstrating to the reader that the power to influence change in others does not lie exclusively in the glorified or the powerful individual, but that the power often lies in the unexceptional beings – the “simple folk”.Great conclusion. Some sentences here should have made their way into your essay sooner :P





Re: [English] [Text Response] [Feedback]

"The ignorance of the villagers is more powerful than Anna's growing knowledge." Discuss
Even though this is written in an hour, you should have more. I know it's early in the year but I'm not going to pull punches. You'd want a more in depth conclusion, and in my own style I would blend your paragraphs together to have 3 or 4 big main paragraphs. The splits, they will promote shallow writing imo. Also an interesting prompt. Ignorance, powerful, growing knowledge. I'm keen to see how you tackle this.

In the mid-1660s,There's nothing inherently wrong with this. It just sounds funny imo "mid-1660s". Could say "Following the Restoration. the burgeoning inverted commas for age of enlightenmentAge of Enlightenmentinvert was beginning to influence societal views of knowledge and personal liberty. I like your opening.Year of Wonders, a historical fiction novel by Geraldine Brooks Could also use "Geralidine Brooks' historical fiction novel, Year of Wonders, (sounds better in my head), presents an exploration of the dichotomy between new, enlightened views and those that are detritus of the Dark Ages. GREAT The villagers of the town are ignorant, and this has an immediately noticeable, destructive effect. Anna's blossoming knowledge liberates her, but it cannot save the people she loves from the powerful destruction of the ignorant villagers.Hmm. I can't distinguish your main arguments. Imo the idea of an intro is to a) show off how awesome you are, and b) introduce your essay. That means contention, main ideas, thesis statement, clarification of the prompt(optional). I appreciate this is made difficult by the way you've structured (not like you can fit in 5 or 6 main ideas lol). I'd personally recommend restructuring, but for the way you've written the rest of the essay, solid intro. However, you need a thesis statement at the end.

The murder of Mem and Anys Gowdie is an exemplar not sure on this word in this sentence. of the blind anger brought about the villagers' benightedness. Great They know that the Gowdies are "well skilled in physic" and that they are "all the better off on account of it". Yet their incomprehension and mistrust of the Gowdies' skills makes them the targets of the villagerspossessive? fury. The image of Mem lying on the earth as "dark water spewed from her mouth", and later, Anys "unrecognisable, purple and bloated" arrestingly illuminates the sheer destructive power of the villagers' ignorance. Yeah, man, way too shallow/short as a stand alone paragraph. What you've got there is great but there's so much more to be said. Perhaps you have structured in a way that makes up for this or used this as a skillful set-up... I will read on.

Also portrayed in the scene of the Gowdies' lynching is Anna's impotence. She attempts to help Mem but is not match for the mob's rage. Her efforts to stop John Gordon are feeble compared to his powerHmmm. Straying from the prompt? Power related to ignorance, not power. . She "knew [her] strength was insufficient to his frenzy". In this case, her encyclopaedic knowledge of the scripture is of no use, nor is her experience with birthing lambs. Her knowledge fails her, having no power against that of the villagers'; "distorted by drink and grief" (?) Could get right of the possessive and the semi-colon. Just "villagers 'distorted by drink and grief'". Anna is later powerless again to prevent the murder of her closest friend, Elinor. Anna, along with the rest of the parishioners, is paralysed, unable to help as Aphra cuts Elinor's throat. Aphra, driven insane by loss, turns to dark sources for belief, and Anna is too afraid to confront her after seeing the rituals in her stepmother's house. This portrayal of the ineffectuality of Anna's knowledge highlights the fact that, more often than not throughout the novel, blind ignorance has greater power than Anna's enlightenment. Okay, not bad. Good finishing sentence. Seems like you're backing yourself up with a sort of "common sense" approach that promotes retelling. I mean, 'of course the ignorance is more powerful! All you have to do to recognise that is remember this time, and this time!. Just be careful that you analyse deeply instead of taking the easy route. No overall writing issues so far

However, Anna's erudition and understanding of life does have powerful effects. Her gentle and compassionate delivery of Mary Daniel's baby is in stark contrast to the savage, unenlightened practices of the barber-surgeon that led to the death of Anna's mother and baby sister. Her first-hand knowledge of midwifery allows her to save potentially two lives in the Daniels household. This has a great effect on Mary, who otherwise would have had to suffer through childbirth alone.This proves that Anna can have a powerful effect, although not on the scale of that of the villagers'. You use this possessive apostrophe. The plural is fine, you don't need to imply the "villagers' ignorance". Just saying the "villagers" is fine.

Anna's knowledge brings her freedom, and the means by which to save her life. Threatened by the Bradfords, she flees; first to Plymouth, then Venice and finally Oran. Here, her knowledge allows her to work as a midwife for Ahmed Bey, who is stymied by the strict gender roles of Muslim North Africa. Anna continues her study as Bey's wife. Her flourished knowledge allows her this escape, as she would not be as useful were she merely an ignorant villager. I just think this is doing nothing for you other than showing you've read the text.

The ignorance of the villagers has an effect to which they are blind. Their ignorance allows them to be influenced, even exploited. As soon as Michael Mompellion sees George Viccars' sores, he suspects the Plague. Using his contacts, he sends away for more information from the doctors at Cambridge. The villagers do not have this luxury. Mompellion withholds his more advanced knowledge, instead appealing to the villagers' faith to convince them to stay. Knowledge is power, and had the villagers had the same knowledge as Mompellion, their choice may have been very different. The educated Bradfords choose to flee, the ignorant have little choice but to stay.||prompt||--- ||->you||

Despite the disturbing destruction of arising from the villagers, their ignorance ultimately traps them in the "wide, green prison". Anna's knowledge is ineffectual against physical power, but she fortifies the town and helps deliver babies safely, perhaps saving many more lives than were taken by the hateful villagers. Brooks portrays the 1660s as a time of struggle, with enlightenment ultimately triumphing over blind ignorance.

Well, for overall writing, this is nice. You have a good sense of the language, good vocab, good use of punctuation (except that pesky possessive) and your sentence structure is sound. That's just your writting, as in, the way you use words. The essay in itself... I think it could be much deeper, certainly have more metalanguage by proxy of the deep analysis (you sort of miss out on it through this essay), and in general it feels as if it's a skim retell that backs up the point. You want to back up the point and analyse it/the text. I think this is exacerbated by the way you've structured but I understand different people have different way of doing things. Personally, I dislike your structure, however, VCAA knows there are many different ways to write an essay. If your teacher is relaxed, I'd consider revising your style so you can better hit the criteria. I can go through this in more depth if you'd actually like to make the change. I see lots and lots of potential in you from this, but, yeah, the style. (imo)

Loz I have nothing to add to your paragraph except for what werdna and yourself have already noticed.


Re: [English] [Text Response] [Feedback]
58 minute, eh? Alright, cool :D
“Year of Wonders” demonstrates the sinister side of religious fervour. Discuss.

Geraldine Brooks’ “Year of Wonders” explores not only the sinister side of religious fervour but also the humanistic ideals which evolve from it. The restrictive mindsets of most of the people in Eyamseems too casual. Could also say "Eyam's villagers" drive people to use others as scapegoats as a result of their fear from the Plague. It is also through religous fervour, however, which helps shape Eyam through the compassionate actions emulated by Anna, Elinor and Mompellion in their daily toil with Plague sufferers. Alright cool. I guess your teacher pushes smaller introductions? As aforementioned, I prefer longer intros, but this is sound if it's what you've been told to do.

The villagers’ restrictive minds and ignorance from pursuing knowledge this has the potential to be very unclear. It sounds like they're ignorant because of their knowledge pursuits, not that they're ignorant regarding knowledge pursuit. would revise.lead them to use others as scapegoats to satisfy their desire to explain the occurrence of the Plague. From the Puritan beliefs of Mr Stanley, a previous town pastor who believed that God’s actions were to “punish or chastise” and that actions were ever only “godly and right or Satanic or evil”, it is evident that this belief forms as a basis for most of the townspeople’s motivations in finding the reason for Plague’s occurrence. As they are fearful of the emergence of new knowledge found in science or the herbs and cures which Anys and Mem develop, the villagers, such as Lib Hancock condemn Anys and Mem as they are social outcasts and can easily be blamed as they had no husbands and were therefore thought to be witches. There's a lot going on in this sentence, it think it could be better expressed. This belief leads the villagers to use Mem and Anys as scapegoats to give reason for the Plague. In fact, Anys’ mocking revelation is indicative of the townspeople’s ignorance as they believed that she had “lain with the devil”. Brooks utilises the red dress to display Anys’s fieriness and her sexual independence as a woman as she was able to choose her fate and the men she slept with. This contrasts with the many women’s restrictive thinking, especially Ahpra who was jealous with Anys because she was free from the burden of following a man’s orders as she was unmarried, unlike Ahpra. Sentence structure could be grammatically improved Brooks demonises the villagers for the death of Mem and Anyscomma here. as they are scapegoats who have paid for the ignorance of mankind and their reluctance of accepting new knowledge because of their fear. I feel like 'fear' should be changed to something more synonymous with the prompt's keywords. Good paragraph.

Religous extremists such as Mompellion are condemned as Brooks believe that total emulation of God can prove to be fatal and will only lead to questioning the purpose of one’s religion.You could be more direct with your language here. "Brooks condemns religious extremists such as Michael Mompellion, conveying the ways in which total emulation..." Mompellion’s belief that he knows God’s words is a foundation to his downfall. He believes that his wife must atone for her past sins as he as a “??scale of justice” must weigh her sins with her atonement. This belief that Mompellion alone can decide what must happen to his wife gives him dominance over her as he is the “image of God” on Earth.This would also be a great opportunity to discuss the condemnation of any patriarchal system from Brook's perspective and how religious fervour has oppressed and [insert really bad words] genders and classes etc. This would also be more analytic than your next sesntence --> Mompellion’s act of emulation in being the all-knowing God has its consequences as he blames God for the death of his beloved wife and for the many deaths that the Plague brings. He attributes these to God and finds him a “poor listener” as many have died. This leads him to a sexual encounter with Anna arguing that because he no longer believes in God, he is “free to do whatever I please”. On the other hand, John Gordon becomes a flagellant and “scourge[  s]” himself because he believes that the Plague occurred because of human sins and in order to atone for it, flagellates himself. In the end, he dies by the river. Brooks does not support the idea that no one can possibly interpret God’s words because he is an omnipotent authority and that total emulation of him or religious extremism can cause dire consequences. I think you need to be really strong on the prompt. I mean, "sinister" - you can tear this word apart but you've sort of glossed over it. Especially after he bangs Anna - he's a cunt!!!! It's creepy and fucked up - put that in your essay! (not in those words :| :|)  and say how his religious fervour has caused this etc. Go deeper. Nice writing. Good knowledge and interpretation but really stick strongly to the prompt as a basis for your analysis.

However, compassion arises from religous fervour through the works of Anna, Elinor and Mompellion who make it their duty to care for the Plague sufferers and to raise their morale through the whole encounter with the Plague. I love the concept of this paragraph, but I would argue with you over Anna's compassion being driven by religious fervour. Possibly Elinor as well. But anyway, this is about what I think :P (but that might give you something to think about!)Mompellion proposes for quarantine and convinces the villagers that the Plague is a “casket of gold” and a gift from God that must be faced. The act of quarantine itself is considerateHAHA! Considerate. "Oh, sacrificing themselves was nice of them". Altruistic, maybe? Heroic?  I think considerate is underdone. of other villagers as the Plague was contagious and could have affected other cities. Anna and Elinor also help the villagers through their knowledge of medicine and through the symbolism of Anna being the shepherd; she becomes one of the leaders who tend to their needs and to look after them. This is evident in Anna retrieving Merry Wickford’s mine although she was fearful because her husband had died in mine. However, she overcomes her fear and is able to help. Elinor also provides Anna knowledge and in her knowledge groom her to become the town healer and midwife. Brooks portrays that hope in the time of adversity will overcome it as people like Anna, Elinor and Mompellion help the villagers to remain strong and withstand the damages of the Plague. Stick heavier to how their religious fervour drives their good deed so it isn't all sinister. You write well.

Brooks examines religious fervour and contrasts its sinister and amiable side lack of a comma here. This is one thing I'd say to you  - make sure you don't skip commas, you did it more acceptably in the bodies, but you'd really want a comma here.arguing that ignorance and limited knowledge lead people into using others as scapegoats. Total emulation of God and religious extremism is proven to be dangerous as Brooks believes it's proven by what Brooks believes?  it is destructive the faith that they believe in. In contrast, Brooks shapes certain characters to show compassion driven by religion in times of adversity and uses this to affirm that it is through knowledge of the world that one better understands the purpose of it. this is a great little philosophical ending, but isn't it sort of contradictory to what you've argued - religious fervour drives goodness as well... what does this have to do with world knowledge?

Strong writing, good knowledge, good analysis but I think could go deeper, think could stick more strongly to the prompt (or more obviously) and more strongly to the arguments held in the topic sentence. Big potential :)





SORRY IT TOOK SO LONG GUYS
« Last Edit: July 17, 2013, 09:42:39 pm by Bendren εϊз »
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Re: [English] [Text Response] [Feedback]
« Reply #39 on: April 01, 2013, 03:58:48 pm »
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At the heart of On the Waterfront is an exploration of how individuals are products of their environment.

Set to the background of the corrupt and bleak docks of New Jersey, the 1954 film On the Waterfront underline text titles elucidates the effects of the environment on the individual. Kazan explores the notion, of how one’s environment influences and thus contributes significantly towards the development of individual traits and characteristics. Despite a shared upbringing, Terry is able to branch out as he is exposed to external influences which steer him in a different direction to that of his brother. Edie is another, whose purity and angelic soul are reflective of her upbringing in the convent, where corruption and injustice are inexistent. Finally, Johnny Friendly’s harsh upbringing has also harboured his ruthless and power-drive disposition, thus proving how he too is a product of his own environment. Good! [Thesis Statement]

The disparities between the Malloy brothers that is seen later on in their lives despite their initial upbringing together, is a result of the different influences that they are each exposed to.That comma is redundant the grammar of the sentence could be improved. "Despite their similar  upbringing, there is much disparity between the Malloy brothers due to the later influences they are each exposed to." Bernstein’s ominous sound track in the opening scene itself illustrates the corruption which is inherent on the waterfront. It is evident that both Charley and Terry have grown up in this world of Johnny Friendly’s amidst the injustice. Terry’s disposition however is different to that of Charley’s as is seen through his care for the pigeons and his fear of them “catching cold.” It is this gentle side of his, which is further developed upon Terry’s encounter with Edie who is “the first nice thing that has happened to (him)use square brackets, not round brackets..”As Terry continues to nurture his relationship with Edie, his moral conscience begins to evolve as well. Nevertheless there are still contradictions present in Terry, which is depicted through the smoke permeating the background of the glove scene, representing Terry’s ambiguous state of mind. Although Terry wishes to remain “DnD”, abiding by his motto of “I don’t know nothing, I haven’t seen nothing, I’m not saying nothing,” a small part of him is drawn towards Edie’s moral goodness, provoking him to stand up for “(his) rights.”Terry’s realisation as a result of his association with Edie, makes it clear that unlike himself Charley has not had the opportunity to evolve but rather has remained to be nothing more than a puppet in Johnny Friendly’s hand. His realisation is complete following Charley’s “crucifixion,” in which he is found to be dead on a hook. It is this tragedy which drives Terry into full action, and although his outer physical self suffers his spiritual and moral identity wins, thus completing his transformation.Link back to the prompt. Your writing is strong. I'm hesitant to comment further than that because I've never anlaysed a movie before lol.

Edie’s purity and goodwill is reflective of her upbringing in the convent where she is shielded from corruption and injustice. Right from her introduction into the film, sounds more casual than it could be. the background lighting upon Edie portrays her in an angelic light, representing how she is shown in all her purity, without even a scruple of evil. GoodIt is indisputable that her upbringing in the convent has influenced her to such an extent where she feels that “everybody (should) care about everybody else.”The symbolism which lies behind her white gloves and her brightly-lit scenes alludes to this recurring theme of Edie’s innocence and purity, which even inspires Father Barry himself. GreatEdie is courageous to venture into the harsh male domain of the docks where her presence is looked down upon, as is proven through the overshot of Edie kneeling down over her brother’s dead body. Despite her fragile, weak and vulnerable position in society, it is her moral upbringing which provokes her to confront Terry as to, “how (he can) just sit there and say nothing.” The depth of Edie’s involvement with Terry is illustrated in her desperate words, “Let’s get away...some place we can live in peace.”Edie fears the impact of the corruption upon Terry; despite this however she remains stoic and steadfast by Terry’s side. Thus Edie’s resolve and her moral code of conduct elicit justice for her brother Joey but also transform the lives of Father Barry and Terry Malloy. Her faith in “patience and kindness,” can definitely be attributed to her upbringing in St Anne’s. Looks like a great paragraph to me.

Johnny Friendly’s harsh upbringing has also played an instrumental role in moulding him into a power and authority drive man. ?? Right from the onset of the film drop this expressionthe viewers are exposed to the smoke and haze which permeates Friendly’s bar, illustrating how his authority is indeed commandinghow?. Bernstein’s ominous score which plays just prior to Joey Doyle’s death alludes to the fact that danger lies ahead. This is further enhanced through the low-angle shot illustrating Johnny’s henchmen upon the rooftop and enunciating the impact of Friendly’s authority on the waterfront. This callous nature of Friendly’s however, can be accounted for by his harsh upbringing as he “begs for work” as a sheer sixteen year old. He carries the large scar on his neck as a constant reminder to how he had to fight some “tough fellas,” to gain control. Friendly’s only opportunity for advancement was through the union and he constantly asserts how he “didn’t work (his) way up from that for nothing.”The symbolism of the hawks resembling Friendly’s henchmen, further pronounces the ultimate power which lies in his hands and how Friendly is prepared to rule with fear and intimidation to keep a stranglehold on the lucrative docks. GreatAlthough Johnny Friendly is a bully, “a cheap, busy, dirty, stinkin mug, “this is a result of his upbringing which has been anything but smooth sailing. The final scene in which Terry successfully defeats Friendly, gives the impression that Johnny is just another pawn in this cycle of corruption which will forever be a part of the Hoboken docks.

In conclusion, NOthe individuals from the film On the Waterfront all substantiate the notion of being a product of one’s environment. Terry is able to escape the world of corruption through his connection with Edie, unlike Charley who remains under the command of Friendly. Edie’s upbringing in a world away from the docks has also contributed to her strong moral conduct in contrast to the longshoremen. Finally Johnny Friendly’s difficult circumstances in his childhood have also chiselled him into a heartless man, with no affinity for the longshoremen.

Your writing is nice, with the odd phrase to be improved (or ditched). Use square brackets in quotes. I couldn't offer much more feedback without having studied the text deeply myself.
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jeanweasley

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Re: [English] [Text Response] [Feedback]
« Reply #40 on: April 06, 2013, 09:38:50 am »
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Thanks for the feedback Brenden, I'll see if I can work it again.
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Re: [English] [Text Response] [Feedback]
« Reply #41 on: April 09, 2013, 01:18:32 pm »
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To be quite blunt, I'm really distraught over my first text response. It's just terrible. It's as if I've forgotten how to even write an essay. I'm hoping to turn this negative into a positive, however, so any feedback you could provide would be really appreciated.

Text: Interpreter of Maladies
Topic: What are the maladies that affect so many of the characters?

The characters in Jhumpa Lahiri’s Interpreter of Maladies are confronted with a variety of challenges that powerfully alter the course of their lives. Throughout her collection of short stories, the author riddles similar plagues of maladies upon all her characters to highlight the key elements of each issue, explaining the consequences they cause for themselves. The complexity of marriage and other interpersonal relationships is extensively explored, emphasising the significant threats that exist to demonstrate how they can adversely affect the personal development of some characters. Striving to make headway in a changing and unfamiliar world, they are vulnerable to the various potential dangers of alienation that arise from the struggle of successfully balancing and developing two distinct cultures. Particularly focusing on the social structure and expectations in the Indian community, the author also exemplifies the difficulties of suppressing traditional values when changing roles and discovering empowerment and freedom is necessary for survival their society. Both successes and failures are encapsulated as Lahiri’s characters collectively combat their quests for true assimilation.

Due to the numerous factors that sustain or threaten social interactions, many personal issues leak into the interpersonal sphere and afflict damage upon intimate relationships. Many of Lahiri’s characters inadvertently alienate themselves during times of adversity – their failure to open up with their loved ones often heralds the disintegration of their bond. In ‘A Temporary Matter’, it is Shoba and Shukumar’s reluctance to properly acknowledge the stillbirth of their baby son that ultimately leads to the demise of their three-year marriage. However, Lahiri alludes that this tragedy has merely intensified an already existing communication issue in their marriage. Through his admission of welcoming “the image” of raising a family “for the first time” only a few weeks prior to the birth of their first child, Shukumar’s inability to express his true thoughts and feelings to Shoba is strongly highlighted and doubt is immediately cast upon the couple’s integrity. Furthermore, Shukumar’s indifference regarding his wife’s decision to keep “the bonuses of her job in a separate bank account in her name” foreshadows the separate lives that they eventually lead and suggests that the deterioration of their marriage may have been inevitable. Throughout the short story, the couple prefers to “seek refuge in” the “mystery” of darkness and secrets when they communicate; their avoidance of the grief they experience only accentuates their malady. Lahiri extends upon this view as she exemplifies that alienation is not only a product of a broken relationship, but can in fact initiate it. In ‘Sexy’, a similar miscommunication disparity occurs in Miranda’s brief relationship. Forging a new life in Boston on her own, Miranda essentially enters the affair with Dev as a result of his deceptive prospect of understanding “what it’s like to be lonely,” underlining that she is coaxed into an inappropriate physical relationship in hope that it provides a cure for her isolation. Moreover, Dev’s persistent desires to enter “her without a word” underscore the incompatibility of their connection. Capitalising on Miranda’s admission that she “hadn’t been listening” to Laxmi’s phone conversations with her cousin, Lahiri demonstrates that Miranda was physically incapable of heeding this eerily appropriate alert, as a result of drowning so deeply in the waters of alienation. However, as the protagonist’s lack of fulfillment accumulates, the author features Miranda’s increasing awareness that these warning signs were “eluding her ear altogether” to exemplify that they were both “loving someone [they didn’t] know.” Revolving around their differing opportunities of personal satisfaction, Lahiri uses Miranda and Dev’s relationship to draw attention to the maladies that arise of manipulating a relationship to solve one’s own personal problems. The author’s bleak portrayal of Miranda’s personal battle for acceptance allows her to carefully transition her view that characters may simultaneously face the struggles of belonging in a foreign environment as they try to move on with their life.

Aiming to achieve cultural and traditional harmony in their lives, many characters endure a constant internal conflict to transform their innate sense of self in their journey of better assimilating into a foreign culture. Lahiri particularly focuses on the challenges that first generation Indian migrants face in trying to forge a new life in America, highlighting the difficulties of suppressing their connection to their homeland. In ‘Mrs Sen’s’, Mrs Sen initially intends to physically adapt to her new life by maintaining an excessively powerful link with her Indian heritage, emphasising her refusal to align her true identity with the American lifestyle. Describing her astonishment at how Eliot “already knew the way things must be,” Lahiri implies that Mrs Sen’s migration to the US was unexpected and unplanned for, revealing the heart of her malady – she is not prepared to face assimilation. Her unusual explanation in context that “Mr Sen teaches Mathematics at the University,” both to the policeman after her car accident and to Eliot’s mother upon meeting her for the first time, supports the belief that it was Mr Sen who had initiated their move to the US, and that he had failed to properly consult his wife in making the decision. Throughout the text, their relationship is tense and Mr Sen’s decision of “not kissing Mrs Sen,” is accounted for by the stark contrast in their ability and willingness to assimilate. While Lahiri alludes that second and third generation migrants do not experience such intense struggles of belonging, she is keen to project the withering link they often foster with their Indian cultural heritage. In ‘When Mr Pirzada Came to Dine’, Lilia’s connection with her Bengali background is similarly sustained by initially drawing parallels to her American life. She likens the conflict in Bengal “as if California and Connecticut constituted a nation apart from the US,” displaying her plagued cultural link and a general disregard for the danger her relatives are in. However, through the introduction of Mr Pirzada to her life, Lahiri sparks the curiosity within Lilia to motivate her better understanding of India, slowly connecting her “to the unruly, sweltering world [she] had viewed” on the news. Her developing relationship to the Bengali region becomes well substantiated when “she could not concentrate” on learning American history at school anymore during the period of conflict. The author further underscores the significance of Lilia’s newfound identity through her decision to undertake daily prayer for the safety and security of Mr Pirzada and his family, noting that “it was something [she] had never done before,” to demonstrate her deep spiritual bond. Exploring the differing systems that compose the Indian and American societies, Lahiri alludes that adapting to new responsibilities and expectations is one of the most difficult aspects of achieving true assimilation.

The complex gender and class roles that constitute the Indian social structure provide Lahiri’s characters with yet another challenge in their voyage for rapport.  The author highlights that many figures are forced to accept or suppress these cultural ideals in order to change and discover a successful life both in India or America. In ‘The Treatment of Bibi Haldar’, Bibi’s physical malady overrides her biological figure as a woman, as it has “left her naïve in” the “practical matters” that are expected from her gender in the Indian community. Haldar, the only male family member in Bibi’s life, emphasises this figurative cultural inadequacy through his view that “she was a bane for business… a liability and a loss.” However, through the female narrators that constitute the community, Lahiri is able to portray the significant struggle for the collective empowerment of women in India. In Bibi’s fight “to be spoken for, protected, placed on her path in life… like the rest of” traditional Indian women, her fellow compatriots “argued in favor of finding a husband” and managed to drive Haldar “more or less out of business.” Without this impending male dominance remaining in Bibi’s life, Lahiri demonstrates the liberation from traditional values and describes how Bibi was able to discover the true cure to her maladies as she “raised the boy and ran a business in the storage room.” Developing the complexity and difficulty of accepting a new role in life, the author describes how this issue can cause even greater troubles than assimilation into a new environment. The narrator in ‘The Third and Final Continent’, whilst successful at weaving himself into Indian, British and American life, is unprepared for and confused by his new role as a husband in his arranged marriage with Mala. Initially displaying a subtle sense of resentment for his overall scenario, Lahiri rapidly ignites a deep sense of concern within the protagonist through the dog’s attack of the Indian woman, forcing him to realise that “it was [his] duty to take care of Mala, to welcome her and protect her.” He initially achieves this by “speaking [to her] in Bengali for the first time in America,” aiming to provide a cultural bridge between India and America to lessen the culture shock on Mala. It is through this act, and the overall success their relationship finally enjoys, that the author implies the necessity of slowly transitioning and growing into new roles and expectations to overcome this challenging and common malady.

For most of Lahiri’s characters, the passage of adaptation over time proves to be the most demanding and painful issue they jointly encounter. Their fate is overall determined by their ability to remain determined and to seek the genuine assistance and support of those who are surrounding them.
« Last Edit: April 09, 2013, 05:26:36 pm by Stick »
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werdna

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Re: [English] [Text Response] [Feedback]
« Reply #42 on: April 10, 2013, 12:23:52 am »
+1
Stick, a decent first attempt at an IOM essay. Sometimes the topics that seem the easiest are the hardest to do. A few things:
- Look closely at your introduction and you'll notice the overuse of -ing words. Watch your wording and concision.
- Stick to a present tense throughout.
- Not a fan of the 2 stories per paragraph structure, you will be way better off focusing on one main story but making subtle/minor links to another story. Not to the extent of 1/2 and 1/2 if you get what I mean.
- Lack of flow and linkages throughout.
- Lack of metalanguage and discussion of authorial devices throughout... language features, symbols etc?
- Lack of discussion regarding collection as a whole - crucial considering this is a collection of short stories, no examiners do not expect students to write on the whole text (which is a great thing for students), but they do expect a compromise & that means discussing short story cycle, order, universal themes!!!
- More discussion of social, cultural values etc is needed.
- Last paragraphs should ALWAYS be strictly a however paragraph. There are many different ways you could've broken down this topic.

Overall a good essay but you need to refine a few things. Well done. :)

werdna

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Re: [English] [Text Response] [Feedback]
« Reply #43 on: April 10, 2013, 12:27:12 am »
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Thanks for the feedback. :)
These are both meant to be body paragraphs but I split them in two. Fair comment though -  I should add more depth and analysis to the second paragraph.

 Feel free to prove me wrong, but I just read it over and the tenses look fine to me....? I mean, yes, I change tenses - eg "
this notion is prominent" as opposed to "Mrs Das, a woman who has experienced her marriage in seclusion"  - but we're talking about her past and the quote is from her anecdote to Mr Kapasi, so in this case, isn't the change in tense appropriate....? Again please let me know if I've missed an error.


And thanks,  I will defs use more metalanguage. I think I'm just confusing myself between Lit analysis and text response. I actually rewrote it and removed some of the analytical stuff to make it flow better and embedded quotes instead of using metalanguage gdkjhouehifeshdskjh I'm overthinking but thanks for pointing that out. 



Sorry about late reply.

No - treat the texts as if they are 'alive'.

Lapses between tenses are no good

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Re: [English] [Text Response] [Feedback]
« Reply #44 on: April 12, 2013, 12:08:08 am »
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Could someone please point out how I can may improve the following intros:

‘Twelve Angry Men exposes the weaknesses of the jury system as well as its’ strengths.’  Discuss this statement.
Both the fragility and the beauty of the jury system are brought out in Reginald Rose’s play, Twelve Angry Men.  Rose presents the jurors that allow certain preoccupations to influence their vote in the trial, in a negative light, when juxtaposed against the more open-minded members of the jury, the positive qualities of whom are more prominent.  However, the weakness of the juridical system is shown more through the characters from the jury that refuse to fulfil their legal privileges. More importantly, Rose depicts the strength of this legal system, through the jury’s is ability to deliver a reasonable verdict unanimously, regardless of the disputes that arise between some individual jurors.

‘In Twelve Angry Men, Juror 3 seems at first sight to be a simple character, but is in fact the most complicated.’ Discuss this statement.’
 ‘I’m an excitable person’, Juror three’s justification for starting disputes against other jurors, initially presents his character to be simply aggressive and impatient. But as the intricacies of Reginald Rose’s play, ‘Twelve Angry Men’, unfold, the third juror’s troubled relationship with his son is made known to the jury and hence the ulterior motive behind juror three’s unfaltering vote of ‘guilty’  is slowly derived by the jury, hence hinting the complexities of his character. Rose portrays the third juror to be a broken man, who at first, is able to initially deceive the other jurors into simply viewing him as an ‘excitable person’, but eventually deceives himself as he finally changing his vote and hence closing the jury.
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