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January 29, 2022, 07:19:17 am

Author Topic: Cosi Essay Mark - Treystorm  (Read 2930 times)  Share 

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treystorm

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Cosi Essay Mark - Treystorm
« on: January 02, 2013, 10:39:36 pm »
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The essay is attached below.

can you please give this a mark as i would recieve in an EXAM. Thank you!
« Last Edit: January 02, 2013, 10:42:03 pm by treystorm »
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FlorianK

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Re: Cosi Essay Mark - Treystorm
« Reply #1 on: January 03, 2013, 10:10:55 am »
+2
I read Cosi, but didn't really like it that much, what is your second book?

Through the use of humour Nowra shows us that relationships can be more important than beliefs. Discuss.
Quite nice topic to start with since it forces you to discuss metalanguage


In a society engrossed [don't think engrossed works here] by the pressing issues of the Vietnam War and the conceptions of free love and gender equality, the notion of relationships and beliefs are often looked upon in question.[This sounds like a sentence used for all your Cosi essays. You should adress the Topic directly in your first sentence] Set in such a state of affairs in Australia’s 1970’s society, Cosi, by playwright Louis Nowra fortifies, through the use of humour[try not to restate the topic in your intro], that relationships and beliefs are a complex idea that are often “hard to define”. The protagonist, Lewis, happily sacrifices his political influence of the Vietnam War for the courtesy of his relations with the patients, yet endures his animosity and disgust towards ‘free love’, ending his valued relationship between him and his “best friends”[What the hell is this doing here? This is evidence , that is not introductory stuff…]. Conversely, Nick and Lucy’s shared support of the concept of ‘free love’ and political beliefs deposits an expeditious end to their relationship with Lewis, the patients, and in the end, each other[What are you trying to say in this sentence?]. It is through ‘Black comedy’ that the play of Cosi allows tragedy to be seen in a humorous light and explore the underlying affairs of perplexity between relationships and beliefs.
Work on your structure, you should introduce what you are going to be talking about as well as defining what the topic actually means in reference ot Cosi. In order to make this a top tier intro you should end with a thesis-statement, which would be like Hence, it is through these evocative short stories that we are offered a glimpse of... and then end this sentence with a profound statement that really pulls the topic apart.

Lewis creatively explores the convolution[don't think that you understand the actual meaning of convolution.] that persists between the ideas of conviction and relations between the characters. In one mindset, the confused and uncertain Lewis who does not know “where are the lights”[when you quote, you should adapt your sentence so that it is gramatically correct including the quote], prioritises his relations above his politically and socially influenced beliefs concerning the ‘free love’ era. The difference between “The exception and the rule” and “Cosi Fan Tutte” is so great that it creates invisible humour[?!?] with interest to the diversity of ideas within the asylum. Lewis is concerned for the “enthusiastic Roy” and confused about the idea of an opera about love as it is “not so important nowadays”. He willingly waives his own ideas and impressions of love by progressing with ‘Cosi fan tutte’ to stabilize his relation with Roy. On the other hand, Lewis perseveres with his opposition to the concepts of ‘free love’ and in turn ends his relations with his girlfriend, Lucy. Upon Lucy’s unconcerned reveal of her physical relationship with Nick, Lewis is “stunned”. As Lewis compares Lucy to the “Arabian phoenix” we see his change come across ironically, as he too once shared similar views. Lewis decides “it’s over” and diminishes their relation. The character of Lewis creates an example which successfully illustrates the importance of both relationships and beliefs through the satirical dialogue employed in Cosi.You are retelling plot, while throwing around with 'big words'. Especially for this topic you should refer to the writer as much as possible. You should analyse and not retell the plot, the examiner has read the book.


Conversely, Nick and Lucy convey a message regarding the significance of beliefs and endure this view till the conclusion of the play[Try to refer to the author in the. The personality of both Nick and Lucy are alike in that they are[Reword] promiscuous[There is no evidence for that], arrogant and forthright. Nick and Lucy both practise a free love relationship, to which Lucy accepts “of course!”. Her strong stance displays an intended support towards her views of relationships and love being “an emotional indulgence for the privileged few”[How does this relate to the topic?!?]. Lucy’s confrontational behaviour in accepting the “affair with [Nick]” is itself a form of humour as to the audience it seems absurd to accept such a deed in such colossal confidence. Nick too insults[the topic is about humour] Lewis in their final confrontation as he reveals, Lucy hated him because “you were a lousy fuck”[This is a really good quote in regards to the topic, which is why you should use it well], showing no sign of friendship [How does this fit together with the quote from before?] that held them together as “mates”. The intended hypocrisy in Nick’s own assertion that “women shouldn’t come between mates” is a technique used by Nowra to express the notion of humour.[The first '40+' sentence in your essay, you should've elaborted upon it] Through the character of Nick and Lucy, the playwright emphasizes the idea that, relationships are worthless when compared with one’s strong attitudes and principles. [You should've linked it back to humour]


The intertwined link between relationships and beliefs is further presented through the character of Henry who once suffered from “verbal diarrhoea”[Link your topic-sentences more strongly to the topic]. Henry’s nostalgic and patriotic beliefs are the sole factor that fortifies his relationships with the cast, especially Lewis[all of them?]. Henry strongly opposes Nick’s support of the Vietnam War owing to his respect for his soldier father[Topic arrgh]. This dramatic display of courage and autonomy leads Lewis to defend Henry and reassure him that he is “not supporting the enemy”. Lewis becomes more considerate of the play with the progression of Henry’s demands. Henry’s beliefs also affect his social and political essence as he transforms from a character that is a “bit shy” to a cast member who “came right out of their shells”. This decisive change in his personality reinforces his bonds with the other secondary characters as well as Lewis who decides “I’m not going to let you walk out on us”. From the development of Henry’s character, the play endures the contention that some relationships are made stronger on the basis of strong beliefs and are consequently fundamental to the success of relationships. Stick to the topic all the time, refer to the writer as much as possible, do not retell the plot, use plot only as evidence and also use complex evidence such as symbols, parallels between physical life and emotional life/setting. Stick to TEEL and sentences like in this paragraph your link-sentence should actually be on of the ~4 explanation sentences in your paragraph.
You topic sentence should be really broad as well as your link-sentence there rest should be narrow, like a sand-clock :p 



The psychological quandary, Pyromania, is a major conflict in Doug’s life, both physically and metaphorically. For him, fire-lighting, is a belief; one that is so deeply embedded that it is unshakable. Although wanting to be a part of the group, Doug lets his beliefs alienate from the others through his pyromaniac actions and “unresolved conflicts”. The other cast members turn hostile against Doug after he sets fire to the theatre’s toilet, jeopardising the production, and is consequently shunned from the group. Pyromania also disturbs his relationship with his mother and the anecdote is often used against him with snide remarks telling him to “go burn a cat”. If taken out of context, Doug’s tale is one of catastrophe and tragedy. The playwright has however used humour to view the matter in an amusing light with Doug’s sarcastic and up-front remarks. Like fires, Doug’s frank nature sparks reactions and friction in relationships. His ascending disregard for others and his presence as a catalyst in confrontations such as that between Lucy and Lewis after Doug’s revelation of whom Lewis has “gone for”, disintegrates his relations and trust. Yet, his beliefs are comforted, bringing into consideration the emphasis of beliefs and their significance in a society such as that of 1970’s Australia. As above


Nowra’s Cosi attempts to detangle the intertwined inks between relationships and beliefs. Through various characters, the playwright proposes the importance of both beliefs and relationships and how our personalities shape the two and place them in a hierarchy that is individual to each one of us.
Way too short. Read some sample essays in the Worked Example Thread   


Language used: Vocab is alright, but the some of the words you use just don't fit and it is lacking flow, like it is really hard to read.
Structure: Medium structure, my suggestions should help and the AN-StudyGuide should be a great help as well
Content: well you know the text but only superficially

5-6/10

treystorm, I know this marking has all looked really harsh, but really it’s because I’m just nitpicking.  You definetly have the potential to improve your skills to write an EXCELLENT essay in the future – the only problem is that it’s very messy, technically speaking, and you really need to clean things up as well as you aren't actually writing anything analytical, but well everyone is doing that at start. Take in the advice, and keep up the good effort. You are definetly in front of most of the state.
« Last Edit: January 03, 2013, 10:39:25 am by FlorianK »

brenden

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Re: Cosi Essay Mark - Treystorm
« Reply #2 on: January 03, 2013, 10:29:44 am »
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After reading the first sentence I'm expecting a good essay. I disagree on Florian's first two points :p so ill come mark it later on.
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FlorianK

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Re: Cosi Essay Mark - Treystorm
« Reply #3 on: January 03, 2013, 10:40:01 am »
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After reading the first sentence I'm expecting a good essay. I disagree on Florian's first two points :p so ill come mark it later on.
sure, come at me bro

haha jks

Russ

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Re: Cosi Essay Mark - Treystorm
« Reply #4 on: January 03, 2013, 03:28:03 pm »
+3
So I wandered into this thread and figured why not. I haven't read Cosi, but I have read a lot of English essays and the biggest two points I took from this is that your expression needs to be improved and that your writing is somewhat superficial here.

You seem to be doing the old trick of using lots of big words to impress the examiner, which doesn't actually work that well. You need to use the words appropriately and demonstrate a full understanding of english expression. It really lets down your essay when you're attempting to incorporate advanced vocabulary but you're making syntax errors or using clumsy phrasing. If you want to use complex language that's great, but give it room to shine. Don't cram a sentence, use the thesaurus words to have an impact on the examiner.

For example
Quote
Lewis creatively explores the convolution that persists between the ideas of conviction and relations between the characters

This just doesn't really make sense and seems to be you trying to cram in a word unnecessarily.

And secondly, your analysis does seem somewhat superficial in parts. When I read your second paragraph, about an open relationship and free love, you're not discussing how relationships can be more important than beliefs and how the playwright has achieved this. You tell me that the characters named are conveying an important message but you don't analyse how it is conveyed or how it is related to the value of a relationship. In your final sentence you claim that "relationships are worthless when compared with one’s strong attitudes and principles" but this should have come out earlier. You should dig into this idea and make a statement about it. "Show, Don't Tell" only works for creative writing, if you want to analyse something you really need to pull it apart in front of the reader.

It is, however, only the start of the year and you can easily improve these two points. GL :)

MJRomeo81

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Re: Cosi Essay Mark - Treystorm
« Reply #5 on: January 03, 2013, 04:04:09 pm »
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A decent first essay for Cosi. However instead of right clicking synonyms in MS word (sorry but this essay is extremely verbose), try to explore the core ideas of the text in greater detail. Also forget about the English exam for now. You only have ~50 minutes to write an essay under exam conditions. The examiners take this into account. So there's no point spending 3 hours writing a perfect R&R essay and then asking what it would score in the exam.

It's also good to see a MPSC student on AN :) Is the second book for R&R still Bypass?
« Last Edit: January 03, 2013, 04:07:46 pm by MJRomeo81 »
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FlorianK

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Re: Cosi Essay Mark - Treystorm
« Reply #6 on: January 03, 2013, 07:58:23 pm »
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A decent first essay for Cosi. However instead of right clicking synonyms in MS word (sorry but this essay is extremely verbose), try to explore the core ideas of the text in greater detail. Also forget about the English exam for now. You only have ~50 minutes to write an essay under exam conditions. The examiners take this into account. So there's no point spending 3 hours writing a perfect R&R essay and then asking what it would score in the exam.

It's also good to see a MPSC student on AN :) Is the second book for R&R still Bypass?
Wrong, you should write perfect essays and bring your time down not write 1hour essays only and try to bring your quality up it doesn't work. 2 Days before the English exam I wrote 2-TR essays for like 2 hours each, which were ~1200 words long each and I tried to perfect them. In the exam my piece took me an hour and 10 minutes (I had 25minutes 'spare' after LA) and I wrote 1400 words of high-quality stuff.

MJRomeo81

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Re: Cosi Essay Mark - Treystorm
« Reply #7 on: January 03, 2013, 08:15:23 pm »
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Wrong, you should write perfect essays and bring your time down not write 1hour essays only and try to bring your quality up it doesn't work. 2 Days before the English exam I wrote 2-TR essays for like 2 hours each, which were ~1200 words long each and I tried to perfect them. In the exam my piece took me an hour and 10 minutes (I had 25minutes 'spare' after LA) and I wrote 1400 words of high-quality stuff.

You failed to understand my point. The OP asked what this essay would score in an exam. I told the OP that exam essays are written under different circumstances, so it's irrelevant to ask what the essay would score.

I never stated that you should always spend 1hr writing essays. Especially in the summer holidays.
Currently working in the IT Industry as an Oracle DBA (State Government)

Murphy was an optimist

Bachelor of Information Technology @ La Trobe (Melbourne) - Completed 2014
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The key, the whole key, and nothing but the key, so help me Codd.

Subjects I tutored during my time at LTU:
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CSE1IS (Information Systems)
CSE2DES (System Design Engineering)

Quote
“If I had an hour to solve a problem I'd spend 55 minutes defining the problem and 5 minutes thinking about solutions.”
― Albert Einstein

brenden

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Re: Cosi Essay Mark - Treystorm
« Reply #8 on: January 03, 2013, 10:11:19 pm »
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I think Florian meant it's important to spend time writing and getting a numerical grade until you can get a 10/10 in infinite time, and then maintain that level as you slowly decrease your time.
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brenden

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Re: Cosi Essay Mark - Treystorm
« Reply #9 on: January 04, 2013, 02:36:14 am »
+2
I'm on a adkjhggalkjfhg terribly shitty Mac so this comes with Florian's feedback too! Because screw backspacing. (i had to copy paste because it downloads as a zip file and won't open it)
I'm also going to tear you apart and show you that you definitely haven't finished the English syllabus :)
NB: Haven't read Cosi.
Also: Saw your other thread and I'm halfway through your intro right now.. Don't seem like a "weak" English student to me...

In a society engrossed [don't think engrossed works here] engrossed isn't so bad by the pressing issues of the Vietnam War and the conceptions concepts of free love and gender equality, the notion of relationships and beliefs are often looked upon in question.These things aren't considered when it isn't the Viet War? 2013 right now and these things are looked upon. Pressing is also a superfluous adjective. Conceptions is very damaging. This sentence also screams "OMG PROMPT/COSI LOLZ"... It needs to be subtle. Something more like "Throughout the 1960s, the westernised world experienced a culture shift away from the strictly conservative and started to experiment with concepts such as free love, gender equality and the notion of relationships. Prototypical religious belief also experienced a decline as more alternative beliefs were introduced." would be good. The two sentences cleans it up nicely, it flows well enough, and it isn't blaringly obvious that you feel uncomfortable not talking about Cosi in a Cosi essay. I also disagree with that  ==> advice and think you should use a contextualising line or two in your first sentence so your introduction blends in with itself. [This sounds like a sentence used for all your Cosi essays. You should adress the Topic directly in your first sentence] Set in such a state of affairs This isn't concise in the slightest in Australia’s 1970’splease God no apostrophes = 1970s. society, Cosi,this doesn't flow well=>unnecessary commas. Perhaps something similar to "...Louis Nowra's play Cosi Fan Tutte (is that what it's called?) fortifies... by playwright Louis Nowra fortifies, through the use of humour[try not to restate the topic in your intro] You sort of need to state the topic in your intro but you did it very HERE IS THE TOPIC., that relationships and beliefs are a complex idea that are often “hard to define” errh? Fortifies is a pretty weird verb for that sentence. Something like "The utilisation of humour enables the playwright to more readily explore the complexities of beliefs and relationships." would do nicely. The protagonist, Lewis, happily sacrifices his political influence of the Vietnam War for the courtesy of his relations with the patients, yet endures his animosity and disgust towards ‘free love’ if you don't need the inverted commas, don't use them. They can kill flow. , ending his valued relationship between him and his “best friends”[What the hell is this doing here? This is evidence , that is not introductory stuff…]I agree. Conversely, Nick and Lucy’s shared support of the concept of ‘free love’see above and political beliefs depositsliterally "puts away a speedy end". Provokes is a better word than deposits. The latter doesn't make sense. an expeditious end to their relationship with Lewis, the patients, and in the end, each other[What are you trying to say in this sentence?]think  I got what you were saying?. It is through ‘Black comedy’ that the play of Cosi allows tragedy to be seen in a humorous light and explore the underlying affairs of perplexity between relationships and beliefs. Okay, I like the sentence. Cool. Actually. "affairs of perplexity" - perplexity doesn't have affairs.
Work on your structure, you should introduce what you are going to be talking about as well as defining what the topic actually means in reference ot Cosi. In order to make this a top tier intro you should end with a thesis-statement, which would be like Hence, it is through these evocative short stories that we are offered a glimpse of... and then end this sentence with a profound statement that really pulls the topic apart.Yeah you defs need a thesis statement at the end of this, it feels unfinished. It restates your entire contention and makes you sound really cool. The essays in the worked examples thread SHOULD be using them *fingers crossed* for you to get an idea.

Lewis creatively explores the convolution[don't think that you understand the actual meaning of convolution.] that persists between the ideas of conviction and relations between the characters.nonsensical In one mindset, the confused and uncertain Lewis who does not know “where are the lights”[when you quote, you should adapt your sentence so that it is gramatically correct including the quote] he's right, use parentheses = [ ] = to do this, prioritises his relations above his politically and socially influenced beliefs concerning the ‘free love’ era. I call you're trying to bullshit. Are his political and social beliefs regarding an era?  Relations would work better as relationships. Are they politically and socially influenced or are they political social beliefs? Odd phrasing :sThe difference between “The exception and the rule” and “Cosi Fan Tutte” is so great that it creates invisible humour[?!?] dafuq o.O - this needs to be explained or taken out with interest to the diversity of ideas within the asylum the humour has interests? I think you mean with regards to . Lewis is concerned for the “enthusiastic Roy” and confused about the idea of an opera about love as it is “not so important nowadays”.good set-up/evidence. I now want analysis He willingly waives his own ideas and impressions of love by progressing with ‘Cosi fan tutte’ to stabilize his relation with Roy.Nowra does this to........ On the other hand, Lewis perseveres with his opposition to the concepts of ‘free love’ and in turn ends his relations with his girlfriend, Lucy. This shows..... Upon Lucy’s unconcerned reveal of her physical relationship with Nick, Lewis is “stunned”. As Lewis compares Lucy to the “Arabian phoenix” we see his change come across ironically, as he too once shared similar views. Lewis decides “it’s over” and diminishesthere are better words their relationship. The character of Lewis creates an example which successfully illustrates the importance of both relationships and beliefs through the satirical dialogue employed in Cosi.huge retell. Would be a great closing sentence if you told us a bit about the satirical dialogue and what it doesYou are retelling plot, while throwing around with 'big words'. Especially for this topic you should refer to the writer as much as possible. You should analyse and not retell the plot, the examiner has read the book.


Conversely, I'd be wary of beginning a paragraph with conversely. Nick and Lucy convey a message regarding the significance of beliefs and endure this view till yucky yucky yucky. Formal essay brother! the conclusion of the play[Try to refer to the author in the. The personality of both Nick and Lucy are alike in that they are[Reword] promiscuous[There is no evidence for that], arrogant and forthright evidence if there is some, bold claims.. Nick and Lucy both practise a free love you haven't put inverted commas around it now. that's inconsistent. try to avoid inconsistencies. relationship, to which Lucy accepts “of course!” doesn't make grammatical sense. Her strong stance displays an intended support towards her views of relationships and love being “an emotional indulgence for the privileged few”[How does this relate to the topic?!?]. The sentence before this feedback COULD relate to the topic if you elaborated on it. Instead, the sentence after hits feedback is unrelated to the preceding sentence. Thus the sentence before this feedback is totally standalone, random and damaging. Lucy’s confrontational behaviour in accepting the “affair with [Nick]” is itself a form of humour as to the audience it seems could sound nicerabsurd to accept such a deed in such colossal confidence.IN colossal confidence? WITH colossal confidence? Nick too insults[the topic is about humour] Lewis in their final confrontation as he reveals, Lucy hated him because “you were a lousy fuck”[This is a really good quote in regards to the topic, which is why you should use it well],yeah sick quote. Tear it apart! What does the profanity have the potential to do to the audience?! What does the blase attitude about what's a taboo topic for a female in the 60s do? It's confronting and it's fucking hilarious! TALK ABOUT THIS showing no sign of friendship [How does this fit together with the quote from before?] that held them together as “mates”. The intended hypocrisy in Nick’s own assertion that “women shouldn’t come between mates” is a technique used by Nowra to express the notion of humour.[The first '40+' sentence in your essay, you should've elaborted upon it] Through the character of Nick and Lucy, the playwright emphasizes the idea that, relationships are worthless when compared with one’s strong attitudes and principles. [You should've linked it back to humour]I like Florian's feedback in this paragraph


The intertwined link tautology between relationships and beliefs is further presented through the character of Henry who once suffered from “verbal diarrhoea”[Link your topic-sentences more strongly to the topic]<-- i agree. Henry’s nostalgic and patriotic beliefs are the sole factor that fortifies his relationships with the cast, especially Lewis[all of them?]. Henry strongly opposes Nick’s support of the Vietnam War owing to his respect for his soldier father[Topic arrgh]. This dramatic display of courage and autonomy leads Lewis to defend Henry and reassure him that he is “not supporting the enemy”. Lewis becomes more considerate of the play with the progression of Henry’s demands. Henry’s beliefs also affect his social and political essence as he transforms from a character that is a “bit shy” to a cast member who “came right out of their shells”. This decisive change in his personality reinforces his bonds with the other secondary characters as well as Lewis who decides “I’m not going to let you walk out on us”. From the development of Henry’s character, the play endures the contention that some relationships are made stronger on the basis of strong beliefs and are consequently fundamental to the success of relationships. Stick to the topic all the time, refer to the writer as much as possible, do not retell the plot, use plot only as evidence and also use complex evidence such as symbols, parallels between physical life and emotional life/setting. Stick to TEEL and sentences like in this paragraph your link-sentence should actually be on of the ~4 explanation sentences in your paragraph.
You topic sentence should be really broad as well as your link-sentence there rest should be narrow, like a sand-clock :p 
Got 3/4 of the way through and realised you weren't going to touch on the topic. Thus useless to give feedback, if you don't write on the topic, you can't get a mark for writing on the topic. Sticking to the topic is the MOST important thing!!

The psychological quandaryo.O wrong word, Pyromania, is a major conflict in Doug’s life, both physically and metaphorically.Doesn't flow well. His literal mental disorder is a metaphorical conflict? ...I hope you explain how For him, fire-lighting, is a beliefCommas mean pause. Read the previous sentence out loud. Trying to read your essay i literally just went "For him... Fire-lighting...is a belief; one that is so deeply embedded that it is unshakable.fire lighting is a belief" doesn't make sense unless you explain it Although wanting to be a part of the group, Doug lets his beliefs alienate him from the others through his pyromaniac actions and “unresolved conflicts”. The other cast members turn hostile against Doug after he sets fire to the theatre’s toilet, jeopardising the production, and is consequently shunned from the groupand the topic starrrrrtsss.... NOW. Pyromania also disturbs his relationship with his mother and the anecdote is often used against him with snide remarks telling him to “go burn a cat” LOL that's fucking hilarious. Analyse this!. If taken out of context, Doug’s tale is one of catastrophe and tragedy. The playwright has however used humour to view the matter in an amusing light with Doug’s sarcastic and up-front remarks. Like fires, Doug’s frank nature sparks reactions and friction in relationships. His ascending disregard for others and his presence as a catalyst in confrontations such as that between Lucy and Lewis after Doug’s revelation of whom Lewis has “gone for”, disintegrates his relations recycling phrases, are we?and trust. Yet, his beliefs are comforted, bringing into consideration the emphasis of beliefs and their significance in a society such as that of 1970’s Australia. As abovethe last bit of this paragraph was much better in all areas. Seemed less bullshitty, more analysy, less word-vomity.


Nowra’s Cosi attempts to detangle the intertwined inksrecycled, tautology between relationships and beliefs. Through various characters,who please the playwright proposes the importance of both beliefs and relationships and how our personalities shape the two and place them in a hierarchy that is individual to each one of us. Needs a little bit more. Some mind blowing statement about how Cosi could influence society to be good and make you feel tingly and stuff.




You have lots of potential as an English student. If you think you've got plenty of time to study for finishing the others - go redraft this essay. Pleasure doing business with you.
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