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September 20, 2019, 02:40:34 am

Author Topic: Hi! Could someone please give me feedback on my crime essay? :))  (Read 262 times)  Share 

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marstac

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Hi! Could someone please give me feedback on my crime essay? :))
« on: February 17, 2019, 09:43:05 am »
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Hi, I wrote a statement crime essay and was wondering if i could get some feedback on how I've written it. Also, I read an ATAR noted article that said we should be including around 14-15 pieces of evidence, is this true?

Thanks :)

meerae

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Re: Hi! Could someone please give me feedback on my crime essay? :))
« Reply #1 on: February 17, 2019, 10:46:48 am »
+4
Hi, I wrote a statement crime essay and was wondering if i could get some feedback on how I've written it. Also, I read an ATAR noted article that said we should be including around 14-15 pieces of evidence, is this true?

Thanks :)

Hey!

Read through, the essay is pretty good. However, I think your intro is a little too long for a legal essay. For legal, we are expected to be more fact based rather than all that 'fluffy' stuff we need in English essays. There were some phrasing issues, which can be fixed by reading the essay out loud.

In regard to the facts, you should try to implement as many facts as possible to prove your point, however, I don't think there is a set minimum/maximum, some people can use 2-3 and answer the question in more depth than someone who used around 14-15 pieces.

Hope this helped!
meerae :)
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jamonwindeyer

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Re: Hi! Could someone please give me feedback on my crime essay? :))
« Reply #2 on: February 17, 2019, 01:08:18 pm »
+3
Another comment I'd have is more formal inclusion of evidence! If you can, instead of presenting "the case of Roberto Curti," try to actually give the court reference (R v Curti 20??) or the media article you are using as evidence. This elevates your essay to a bit of 'retell' to actually pointing to evidence and building your argument from there.

Realistically, you want as much evidence as you can squeeze in. Currently you have:
- 4 pieces of legislation (good!)
- 5 cases (three of them formal references, 2 informal)
- 4 or 5 media references/quotes
- 1 or 2 other little bits

So you've hit the target you laid out! However, this is a 1600 word essay, in an exam you need that word count to drop but most of the evidence to stay. It's about being more sophisticated with your evidence, more evidence driven. For example, I'd take this whole chunk:

Provocation used as a defence in the criminal trial process has allowed lesser sentences to be granted to offenders who successfully argued that they were ‘provoked’ by the victim’s actions. However, old legislation allowed for leniency in the granting of provocation, offenders deserving of a more severe punishment get off with a reduced sentence. This is greatly emphasised in the R v Singh case, where Singh successfully reduced his sentence for murdering his wife by arguing she “provoked’ him. The success of Singh in arguing provocation as a defence epitomises how conflicting interests are a large reason for “tension in the law.” This case sparked large public outcry, claiming a culture of “blaming the victim” is allowed with such lenient granting of this defence.

I could replace that with:

The case of R v Singh (2012) epitomises the tension between community interests and justice for the offender, with the six year imprisonment sentence handed down viewed as disproportionate to the crime committed, sparking media outcry (perhaps reference an article here). Though the case did lead to succesful reform, the Crimes Amendment (Provocation) Act 2014 (NSW), clearly defences to murder are a significant cause of tension in the legal system."

^^ Much punchier, nearly half the words, and more evidence driven. I agree with meerae, in that removing just a bit of the fluff would help focus your argument and reduce your word length ;D

emilyygeorgexx

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Re: Hi! Could someone please give me feedback on my crime essay? :))
« Reply #3 on: February 17, 2019, 03:46:36 pm »
+1
Another comment I'd have is more formal inclusion of evidence! If you can, instead of presenting "the case of Roberto Curti," try to actually give the court reference (R v Curti 20??) or the media article you are using as evidence. This elevates your essay to a bit of 'retell' to actually pointing to evidence and building your argument from there.

Ah there's actually no case citation for the Roberto Curti case as the defendant, Robert Curti, passed away in the midst of the crime!
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marstac

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Re: Hi! Could someone please give me feedback on my crime essay? :))
« Reply #4 on: February 17, 2019, 03:59:02 pm »
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Thank you!!! I know I tend to waffle on and need to stick to the point!!!