ATAR Notes: Forum

HSC Stuff => New South Wales Education Discussion => The HSC Journey Journal => Topic started by: r1ckworthy on February 14, 2019, 10:44:06 pm

Title: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on February 14, 2019, 10:44:06 pm
Hello all,

I have been thinking about whether to actually a journal ever since I've discovered ATAR notes (earlier this year during the January lectures), and after reading so many, I think I am going to give it a try.

My aim for this year is to try and get into medicine in New South Wales. Why? Well, here's the explanation below (bout to get deep, skip if you like):

Spoiler
In terms of my life, I haven't really done anything memorable or life impacting. The way I've see it, I have been an average guy for my whole life. So, if I do become a doctor, I would actually help someone. I would ACTUALLY help someone. Like, for real. I basically relieve someone of pain they have been experiencing. And while that seems insufficient, I guess I can be proud that I have been the one to let them live a bit more happy and give them hope for a long life. And, for an average guy, that's seems fantastic. The idea of relieving someone of the suffering they've been going through makes me a bit more content, and a bit more satisfied. A bit more satisfied of the fact that I have actually helped someone.

Sorry if that did not make sense. I guess as I keep journaling, I'll get more comfortable being myself. Anyways, back to reality, the main purpose of this journal is to update it with events of the week and how I've been feeling. I also hope you all who are reading this will remind me to journal as well ;D ;D ;D.

Right now, my assessment marks are really good. I've only gotten two back, and so far, they're pretty alright:
Physics: 27.9/30
Ancient History: 18.8/20

I also have been studying relatively hard for the past few days. But I also have a tendency to procrastinate a lot. And I mean a lot. Take today. Ever since I got home, I haven't touched anything, except watch a few study questions and read through NESA's sample papers. So I hope by updating this journal and seeing how much progress I've made, I would be motivated to start work back up again.

I guess that's all for now. There's one more thing I've been meaning to get off my chest though. I've put it in the spoiler. It's something that's been going on in my mind for the whole day.
Spoiler
I'm not sure if I like my class. My school is really small, and so there are only 25 people in my class (you think that's bad, well last year there were only 8 people in year 12 ;D[) What I mean't to say is that I'm just not sure if I like it. I feel as if I have to keep an act together in order to fit in and avoid looking bad. The friends I have are great, but they are just not like me. I guess they're more social and more extroverted, while I'm more of an introvert. I tend to be alone for most of the time, sitting at the back of the classroom and watching on. One or two of them do ask me if I am depressed when I am in this mood, which is super nice of them, but I can't seem to tell them what is bothering me, even when I know what is going on. I guess I dislike the culture surrounding my school. I'm not too sure what to say. Today, for instance, I was silent for the whole morning. I was thinking too much about life in general, and I would not like to reveal my view until much later into the year when I'm much more comfortable. Also, there was this girl whom I kind of wanted to talk to but couldn't really gather up the strength to chat with her. I guess that's also weighing me down as well. I would say I'm an emotional thinker, where I become too entangled in my thoughts. I guess what I truly desire is to make newer, more diverse friends. Like, meet people who are so different yet so relatable to me. I love my current friends, don't get me wrong, but I think I would like to make newer ones. This desire, I guess, started when I went to a leadership camp for three days (known as the Mitchell Youth leadership forum), and I quickly recognised how there was a world outside of my school, and that I am missing out on a lot of fun. Now, this might not be true, but I feel like it is. And the truth is, I do not agree with my school's personal beliefs
(which I won't mention here) and I feel different to others. Now, don't get me wrong. The people here are great. The teachers can be super nice most of the time and super inspiring ( and some classmates as well) but I am kind of awkward in their company most of the time. I don't really know how to express it. So that's my dilemma right now. Super long, I now, and i commend you for reading it ;D ;D ;D. Maybe you guys can help me out??? And please, give me some tough love and tell me what you think, even if you think it would hurt my feelings. I am open to anything to improve.


So yeah, this is my journal for the rest of the year. I hope to do this at least once every week, and update you all with what's going on. If you didn't notice, I'm not too clear in the way I talk, so if any of this doesn't make sense, I don't blame you ;D ;D ;D. I'll update this tomorrow (I hope) and tell you guys more tomorrow.

And please, just reply with any advice you have got for me. As I mentioned before, give me some touch love (sorry if that sounds cheesy), even though you think it might hurt my feelings. I intend to use this thread to grow as a person, and I hope you all will help me do exactly that :).

And finally, to end a really long post, I would like to apologise if any of this sounds irrelevant or cringe. Really really sorry about that. Whatever it is, I congratulate all of you who have read through this, and I wish you best of luck for the upcoming year.

BTW it's already the end of week three of school!!! Time is moving by so fast!!!

Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: Bri MT on February 15, 2019, 10:27:45 am
Hey!

Thanks for starting up a journal - it's been a good read so far :)
Hearing about your career aspirations was nice - it's always great to see people finding motivation in helping others.  I would say though,  that medicine is one way to be altruistic and help people but definitely not the only one!  Consider your options and try not to feel 'trapped in' :)
My course is all about using science to make an impact & before interviews I like to remind applicants that if you're driven to make an impact you will - even without the backing of a particular course. 

Sounds like the social environment at uni might be a good place for you though,  with the diversity of people brought together by shared interest/drive.

It's kind of hard for me to hurt your feelings by giving you critical feedback because from reading (including spoilers) I didn't see anything that should be critiqued.

Best of luck to you too!
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: Joseph41 on February 15, 2019, 10:32:10 am
I'm really glad you've started this. :) Looking forward to reading today's update as promised. ;)
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on February 15, 2019, 04:49:39 pm
Hey all,

Just want to say a big thanks to those who have read the post. I would especially like to thank miniturtle and Angelwings for the great advice they've given. You guys rock!!!

Today was some day. Till the afternoon, I was really frustrated with a concept in physics. We had just finished the chapter, and while reviewing it, I couldn't fully understand it, which is incredibly frustrating. I hope to use tonight to try and fully understand the concept. In case you want to know, it was electromagnetism and the first chapter (a HSC question was stuffing me up, so I really became frustrated). This went on until maths, where we were doing parametrics. It took a while to grasp, but I finally got it, and my god it was such a good feeling.

In the afternoon I had a double study period, but I didn't really feel like doing much. I was listening to a classmate who was talking with my friend about his personal belief and trying to convince him that he should as well. I listened to him at first, but then argued strongly for the whole time, and it got pretty deep. I won't mention it here, but it was pretty weird at the end, where everything became kind of awkward. It did feel good though, because I had been thinking of this topic for a very long time, and it was necessary that we argue it out.
After school, though, we both came together and, while we did not apologise, we both hoped we didn't offend each other. That was pretty good as well.

I didn't really say much about myself in yesterday's post. I'm from Kerala, India and as you can guess, I am an introvert. I also love watching and making films as well. Before deciding to become a doctor, I had wanted to become a filmmaker really badly. But I soon realised that it was more of a hobby than a passion. I will try to make films after year 12, and my dream is to at least make 10 feature films during my lifetime. Watching films is a lot of fun, but I tend to analyse it too much and not 'experience' it. So that is a habit I need to stop. My favourite filmmakers are below:
Spoiler
(1) Alphonso Cuaron
(2) Alejandro Inarittu
(3) Stanely Kubrick
(4) Anurag Kashyap
and some more... ;D ;D ;D

I also like to watch a lot of TV shows, particularly the really deep ones. Here are some below:
Spoiler
(1) Rick and Morty (love this so much)
(2) Bojack Horseman
(3) Big Mouth
and then some ;D ;D ;D

So yeah, I better get to some studying. This weekend, I hope to finish reviewing module 5 for chemistry, master the concept in physics, write three practice essays for English and finish parametrics for 3 unit. I accelerated the 2U maths course last year and got 82. My assessment marks were really good, but I gave up two weeks before the actual HSC, which was terrible of me. It's an alright mark, and just finishing the course gave me a lot of confidence in maths, as I always thought I was going to drop it.

As always, thank you all for reading this, and I hope you have a great weekend ahead of you.

Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: smamsmo22 on February 16, 2019, 12:34:55 am
Hey,

I've enjoyed reading your journal so far and it's clear to see you're aiming high (and getting some great results!).
I'm very introverted too, and it's ok to be that way (: I know it's not revolutionary but if I could give you any advice in regards to dealing with your small cohort, I'd just say to make the most of the situation. There are obviously some downsides, but small cohorts can become really tight-knit which can be a great source of support for the year. The other students may not share a lot of beliefs with you but they are going through the same VCE journey and will understand your struggles better than anyone else :) And, as insanipi mentioned, it's likely you'll have a much larger cohort at uni and plenty of opportunities to meet with a massive variety of people with various personalities/beliefs/backgrounds. It's not far away now (:
I'm glad you had that discussion with the other student; talking to people with differing opinions and experiences is a great way to learn. It's good to hear you're engaging more with your classmates like you wanted to!!

Hopefully that advice (??) is somewhat helpful; I'm excited to hear more about your achievements and experiences! Good luck :D
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on February 18, 2019, 09:42:19 pm
Hey smamsmo22 (love that name : ;D),
Thanks very much for the advice. It was certainly very helpful. I'll try to keep close to my cohort, but I'm not sure now. I don't really relate to any of them but I'll certainly try. I just can't wait for university, and I really hope to meet new people and meet friends with my kind of thinking and hobbies. Thanks again for the advice  :D :D :D.

In terms of the weekend, I didn't do as much work as I wanted to. However, I did spend some time with my family, which was great. The procrastination problem is really bugging me though. I spent most of the weekend trying to figure out how to study for different subjects, but was wasted. I nailed it down to what I will have to do in the HSC exam for those subjects. So for chemistry, I am just going to try and answer as many questions as I can, so as to apply my knowledge.

I really have a problem with procrastination. Maybe I'm being sort of hard on myself, but I don't think it is so. Today morning I woke up at 5:30ish and did some chemistry questions, which was great. But the evening when I got back from school, I only did some stuff, and had to go out with family again. When I got back from dinner, I couldn't really bring myself to study. I've read the procrastination guide by Joseph41, and I did feel motivated at the time, but it quickly wore out. I think I am going back to my days at yr11, where I wasted most of my days and got an average mark. I'm really worried, and I hope you guys can provide some advice to cope with this. I don't want to waste these days anymore, and I feel like if I continue I'll go down really bad.

Other than that, school is alright in general. The guy who I talked about in my last post is kind of bugging me with his beliefs, and is constantly trying to 'convert' me to his belief, if you get what I mean. I've known him for the past few years, so I know he is wanting the best for me, but sometimes it is really annoying. It was times like this when I wish the world and life was just so much simpler. I was bugged out about my beliefs as well, and in the middle of my work I went and researched the topic we were arguing about. It's a very touchy one, so I won't mention it here.

Other than that, school was alright. I'm really enjoying physics right now, and I'm understanding everything. It's so interesting, electromagnetism. I feel like it's the only subject where I get truly in "the zone" and stop worrying about people. I've had ideas of pursuing a physics degree then doing medicine postgrad in the holidays, so that's an idea. However, that's far away so I guess we'll see what happens.

So yeah, that's my week so far. I desperately need help with my procrastination problem, so please any advice will be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading!!!

Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on February 22, 2019, 05:59:31 pm
Hey all,

hope everyone had a great week. Like I mentioned earlier, I still have the procrastination problem. However, I've been reading some articles and am going to try out a new tactic.

At the start of everyday, I am going to write down a plan for the whole day. As the day goes on, I will constantly be adjusting the times if something comes up. This way, I know what I need to do for the rest of the day and will constantly keep me on my toes. So I am going to try it today, and see if it works. Here is the plan for today:

6-7: Resting a bit, maybe taking a nap.
7-8: Complete one section of my chemistry research task
8-8.30: Eat dinner (my family eats really late)
8.30-9.30: Complete and send my teacher my physics assignment
9.30-10.10: Complete an english essay under 40 mins ( an essay now takes me about 1 hr, so I am trying to cut down)
10.20-11.00: Complete some english hwk.

I plan to update you guys tomorrow, and write down the timetable. I'll also tell you what is happening so far on sunday, or earlier if possible

Thanks for reading, and please leave some advice for procrastination ;D ;D
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: Bri MT on February 22, 2019, 08:43:57 pm
Hey,  I wrote a post about staying productive (link in sig) which contains some of my thoughts on procrastination - hopefully it's useful :) 

Looking at your planned schedule it's a bit full on - try to make sure you're getting enough sleep and taking care of your mental and physical health.

I'm not sure what you want for med but I got a 98 ATAR and certainly didn't do that much studying on a normal weekday. Just something to think about.
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on February 24, 2019, 09:44:02 pm
Hey Miniturtle,

Read your productivity post, and it definitely motivated me. Yeah I know, my schedule is a bit full on, but I just don't want to regret not studying much, as that was one of my major regrets last year. However, I will try to balance it out, and I think I did kind of burn myself out this weekend.

So this week was pretty uneventful. As I mentioned in my last few posts, I procrastinated a lot. This weekend, I procrastinated a lot as well. Yesterday, I went to the PLC science summit with my science extension class. It was pretty alright. In my first workshop, I got paired up with my teacher and, forgetting my laptop, used his laptop to code and make cool faces on a tamagotchi. It was pretty fun. After that, the 2nd workshop looked at how animals distributed themselves between food sources. It is kind of hard to explain, but essentially I got to play around with fruit fly larvae, and place them in an agar plate and observe which food source they go to. It was cool as well. Overall, the summit was pretty alright, and we got some free food as well ;D ;D ;D.

After that, I came home, took a walk with my family, played with my dog and little sister, then came home and slept for two hours. I woke up and tried to do some work, but I failed miserably.

Today, I hoped to get a lot of work done. Didn't really. I had maths and english tuition today, which could have gone better. I did some work on my chemistry assessment (which is due this friday) and worked on a bit of physics. I have a school test tomorrow for the first two topics of electromagnetism. I spent some time trying to understand a concept, and that shouldn't have taken that long. I again went out and played with my dog and sister in the park, which was a lot of fun. I came back, ate some dinner, scrolled through reddit (gotta love that dank meme subreddit) and took a shower. I tried to do questions for the test tomorrow, and after 30 minutes couldn't really bring myself to do it. For the past few days, I have tried to push myself, and that certainly worked. Like yesterday night, I wrote a full essay (even though it took 1 hr instead of 40) and I was pretty happy with that. But today I can't bring myself to keep pushing one. I guess I have to just sit down and keep doing the questions. However, I feel as if there is a easier way to bring myself to do it.  I do enjoy physics, and I have done questions for a long time, but right now I feel tired and am not enjoying it.

Maybe I am pushing myself a bit too much, but the way I see it, I am behind. I hope to achieve the following this week:

(1) Finish 1-3 essays for english
(2) Complete practice and get really good at 3U parametrics
(3) Finish chemistry assessment task before wednesday.
(4) Finish physics revision by doing tonnes of questions.
(5) Update my scientific journal for science extension.

There are tonnes more, but that's it for now. I am going to try and push myself the following week, and see how much I could get done. I'll update throughout the week if anything cool or special pops up.
That's all for now. Thanks for reading!!!
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: Bri MT on February 25, 2019, 09:33:24 am
Hey r1ckworthy,

Glad to hear you found to useful :)  Fair enough - as long as you're willing to adjust aspects if needed to make it sustainable there's nothing wrong with having ambitious goals. I'd definitely say that you're pushing yourself to do a lot of work, and that even though you feel behind I doubt many others would see it that way.

I'm glad you had such a positive experience with the science summit and going outside :)

good luck for your tests!
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on March 02, 2019, 09:08:04 pm
Thanks miniturtle again. I know, I think I should wind back a little and even if I did plan to do it, I would usually not do it ::) ::) ::), as seen below.

This week was pretty depressing, straight up. Got all the assessments dumped on me, almost all of them due two weeks from now. I have a chemistry assessment I need to work on that's due this friday, so I've definitely worked on that this weekend. Anyways, it was pretty good but otherwise frustrating that I can't get enough work done. I seem to do the bare minimum, then do what I feel like. I've discovered, like the previous post, that I really need a plan on how to do things. Like for today, I procrastinated on my chemistry assessment until I wrote a plan on what to do. After that, I felt the motivation to work and I plan to do so after this post.

I'm gonna be honest. The planning I talked about in my last post I totally neglected this whole week. I don't even know why, I just did. I plan to get back on track though. The procrastination drug has hit hard yet again, but I think if I push through the first 10-15 minutes, than I can work effectively. So I am going to remind myself to push through. So the goal of this week is to push through and just try the activity I'm procrastinating on immediatly for atleast 10-15 minutes. If I still feel like shit, I'm going to take a walk around or just chill for a couple of minutes. I've also realised how lucky I am to have great parents as well. I've told this problem to my dad, and he said I just need to change my attitude and stop feeling like study is like work. I enjoy studying, but sometimes I just get so sick and tired of it, my attitude gets completely stuffed up. So another goal for this week is to just take a deep breath whenever I've procrastinating, and then try to change my thinking and push through. I think if I achieve these goals, I will feel much happier.

Other than that, school was alright. All of my classes are okay except maths x1. I'm alright with the content, but the class itself is so depressing, and most of my friends are in 2U, so it does get a bit lonely. I like maths a lot, but the class is kind of boring and my other classmates are bunched up together in their own friend circle, so it is just me at the side. However, I have to mention, this is the only class that I feel depressed, and most of my other classes I enjoy a lot with friends. My study periods weren't productive at all, but I did get to discuss a lot of topics with one of my teachers, particularly AI and how it works, microsoft hololens, that kind of stuff. It is a lot of fun, and he is extremely smart at what he does. That was one of the highlights this week, and I hope to have more discussions with him in the future.

Anyways, that's all for this week, I'll probably update during the week or next weekend. Thanks for reading!! ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: PhoenixxFire on March 05, 2019, 09:23:47 pm
The procrastination drug has hit hard yet again, but I think if I push through the first 10-15 minutes, than I can work effectively. So I am going to remind myself to push through. So the goal of this week is to push through and just try the activity I'm procrastinating on immediately for at least 10-15 minutes. If I still feel like shit, I'm going to take a walk around or just chill for a couple of minutes.
Love this strategy!

I find that starting something when I'm in the habit of procrastinating is super hard. I definitely think it's becomes easier to keep going once you've focused and started it . Good luck!
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on April 11, 2019, 05:23:04 pm
Hey all,

Haven't posted in a very long time (almost a month!), so I hope to start posting frequently now.

Well, first of all, term 1 has been a huge lesson by itself. Firstly, I got some fairly good assessment marks by the end of this term:
Maths 2U: 19.2/20
Chemistry (20%): 19.5/20
Advanced English: 26.7/30
Maths 3U: Don't know, but pretty sure I barely passed.


I am happy with my 2U maths and chemistry marks, but it was english and maths that really disappointed me. Especially, English advanced, which I worked really hard on. It's kind of a huge disappointment, but also kind of a lesson. I think from now on I am going to write stories that I particularly enjoy. Last year, I wrote a narrative three days before the due date, and I got in the nineties. I just wrote with inspiration and thought for myself, like, what I would like in a story. This one, I've worked on from December onto February, not really feeling anything. I edited it vigorously; you might have seen in the HSC marking and feedback (for which I'm so thankful for), and took the advice of nearly everyone. I think what I should do first is to write something which I enjoy and to write without thinking about what others would think about it. That's one lesson, and I was disappointedly for the afternoon today, especially after hearing three people got 99%. But I guess I just need to work harder, and I am kind of thankful. Even the maths extension 1 test was pretty bad. The questions were doable, but there was not really any time; I think I rushed it and made some silly mistakes/ calculation errors. I am also kind of disappointed by that.

It does suck to have those kind of marks, especially since my ambition is so high, but I guess I need to keep working consistently everyday. The biggest lesson I've learnt is to not procrastinate on an assessment. This term, I procrastinated / didn't really do anything for one of my assessments, which lead to me working my ass off for three whole nights. This lead me to not doing enough work for my next assessment, because of the amount of time I gave to the one I procrastinated on, leading me to work my ass off again. I don't think I did particularly well for the two assessments this term because it was so crammed, but yeah. I did about two all-nighters this term, with a tonne of coffee. I hope it doesn't come to this next term.

But I'm kind of glad I went through the experience. I remember, it was 3:00 at night and I haven't even started my ancient history presentation which was right in the afternoon. I stayed positive and pushed through the whole night, and gave a good presentation.

That's it for this term. In my opinion, it was one of the most stressful times in my school life, but I guess it was worth it? Yeah, I don't think I'll be able to really see it's effect until later on.

This holidays, my plan is to do as many questions as possible. Unlike other schools, my exams are in the 3rd week of term 2, so I need to start studying for it. Here is what I hope to do for each of my subjects:
Spoiler
Advanced English: Write a shit tonne of essays for module A, make some study notes as well, watch Looking for Richard again.
Maths 2U: HSC papers. I've already done the course last year (was accelerated), but I hope to practice past papers a lot.
Maths 3U: Past papers as well. In the first week, I am going to revise everything I've learned so far, and then proceed in the 2nd week to doing past papers.
Physics: Make some study notes in content heavy areas in the first half of the week, do a tonne of questions (Hopefully will do Blasonduo's paper in the 2nd week), also do substantial work on my assessment task as well.
Chemistry: Make summaries as well, and do a shit tonne of questions.
Ancient History: just write essay plans in the first week, and then proceed to just writing essays soon after.
Science Extension: Analyse the sample paper, do my research proposal (which I am presenting on the first day of school), revise some concepts, and update my logbook.

Wow, it's such a long post!! But that is what happens when you don't post for days. I hope to post more soon about my progress. Thanks for reading! ;D
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on April 30, 2019, 09:14:38 pm
Hey all, hope everyone is going alright!!!

First off, I think I need to make a system for posting on ATARnotes regularly. Reviewing what I have written in this journal so far, I feel as I have written some good advice, to be honest, and I think I need to keep reminding myself of these things so I can stay on track. The past few days, I have been panicking so much, and I feel the stress getting to me. So, after each entry, I am going to write myself advice, tips and messages, just to keep myself going. I feel like by writing this, it will not only provide benefit to me but to everyone else reading this journal as well.

We started this term with some marks!! Here it is:
Physics: 100%
Maths X1: 71%


Relatively happy with the physics mark, I feel the teacher marked too easily but still am happy. I am relieved with my maths X1 mark, I thought I would get 40%, so this is kind of good? I am relieved, nonetheless, and want to persevere and try and get a solid mark in my half-yearlies.

I had my research proposal today for science extension, definitely did not go great. I think I will at-least get a 70, and since there are only two people in my class (friendly reminder: my cohort is just 21 people!) I am not worried at all about rankings. I just need to do the best I can in exams and future assessment tasks.

That's about it. I feel like just wanting to unleash myself, so be warned for a whole bunch of text in the spoiler.
some heavy feelings this week...
Man. I am wasting time. Every-time I sit down and something does not go to plan, I immediately panic and do nothing. I think my anxiety is getting the better of me, and I clearly need to do something in order to destress. Like in the evening, I wanted to write an English essay, but I didn't know what to write, so I tried to make some notes, which did not work. I had no idea what to do, and I wasted one hour. I know I shouldn't be hard on myself, but considering how busy I am going to be this term, I am panicking that I am not getting enough done. Alarm bells are still ringing inside, and I am a bit anxious about how the term will go. If y'all don't mind, could you list some ways to calm this anxiety of mine? I feel very panicky when I shouldn't, and so I just don't do anything/ waste time.
Man, every-time I sit down at my desk, I just start to worry and worry and worry, and I am not doing anything to clear it away. I think the problem is I feel overwhelmed with the work, so I just need to split everything up into smaller tasks and just keep grinding. I guess I just need to calm myself, although I am not exactly sure how :( :( :(

So yeah, that was today. I hope to be posting frequently, so expect some more posts!!!
Advice of the day
When you are 80 years old, you won't remember these panic attacks, these moments of worrying so much. Instead, you will experience memories of experiencing absolute joy in understanding something, pure joy in just seeing what the author intended for you in their book, joy in persevering through that essay. All these subjects, advanced English, ancient history... is something you will probably never experience again, and so you should lift yourself backup, remind yourself of this, and keep moving on. Take a moment to enjoy these subjects, this is the last year you'll probably do them ;D

PS: Thank you for the MOTM!!! Made my night, and encouraged me to keep posting on the forums!!!
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: Pearlmilktea on April 30, 2019, 10:15:42 pm

Physics: 100%
Maths X1: 71%


Relatively happy with the physics mark, I feel the teacher marked too easily but still am happy. I am relieved with my maths X1 mark, I thought I would get 40%, so this is kind of good? I am relieved, nonetheless, and want to persevere and try and get a solid mark in my half-yearlies.

Wow that's amazing! Seriously don't discount yourself, I'm sure you totally deserved that 100% - good job for crushing the exam!
Also congrats on maths X1! Legit have so much admiration for you judging numbers and random triangles stress me out haha. I still have fond memories of my teacher saying my circles looked more like ovals and taking off marks (even though I needed every mark I could get) XD.

I really felt your heavy thoughts section. Since I'm also in Year 12 doing the HSC, I totally relate to having stress come over me sometimes and having this exacerbated by the subsequent lack of work due to stress (funfun). Technically I actually should be doing a bio depth study now haha exhibit A of my lack of productivity and super procrastination skills (thankyouthankyou i try  :) ).

I find that it's good to write to do lists. Sometimes I use Microsoft To Do so I can add and remove tasks easily. Feeling stressed? Maybe do an essay plan, another subject or take some time out today to reframe your mind. Feeling like you can slay the syllabus? Essay if you want or difficult homework but still pace yourself. Talk to your teachers! I legit love hitting up my teachers to destress and reframe my mind.

Sorry for keeping it brief (well for me as I write wayyyy to much alllll the time XD) because I have bio to do. Feeling inspired to set up a year 12 journal now because of you. Thanks mate - you rock!

Good luck with this week and I'll be back soon!
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on May 04, 2019, 11:56:34 am
Wow that's amazing! Seriously don't discount yourself, I'm sure you totally deserved that 100% - good job for crushing the exam!
Also congrats on maths X1! Legit have so much admiration for you judging numbers and random triangles stress me out haha. I still have fond memories of my teacher saying my circles looked more like ovals and taking off marks (even though I needed every mark I could get) XD.

Yeah, I guess so for the physics. It was a good encouragement to keep going!!!  Hahaha, wow, I get what you mean about getting every mark possible. But taking marks off for a seemingly oval seems a bit too much ;D ;D ;D.

I really felt your heavy thoughts section. Since I'm also in Year 12 doing the HSC, I totally relate to having stress come over me sometimes and having this exacerbated by the subsequent lack of work due to stress (funfun). Technically I actually should be doing a bio depth study now haha exhibit A of my lack of productivity and super procrastination skills (thankyouthankyou i try  :) )
I find that it's good to write to do lists. Sometimes I use Microsoft To Do so I can add and remove tasks easily. Feeling stressed? Maybe do an essay plan, another subject or take some time out today to reframe your mind. Feeling like you can slay the syllabus? Essay if you want or difficult homework but still pace yourself. Talk to your teachers! I legit love hitting up my teachers to destress and reframe my mind.

I've recently started to use Joseph 41's method of organisation. At first I did waaaay too much, but then started to just have to-do's for 3-4 subjects a day. Yeah I do talk to teachers at times, but still, year 12 is way too stressful!!! I guess I should try to approach it differently rather than stress, because it might not actually be at all!!! It is what we make of it.

Sorry for keeping it brief (well for me as I write wayyyy to much alllll the time XD) because I have bio to do. Feeling inspired to set up a year 12 journal now because of you. Thanks mate - you rock!

Good luck with this week and I'll be back soon!

You should definitely start your own journal!!! That would be pretty sick!! I started this journal just to track where I am going, but it sort of became a place where I just re-organise my attitude and all that inside stuff. Pretty solid if you try!

Nah, don't worry about keeping it brief, that advice was pretty sick!!!

Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: mango8 on May 12, 2019, 02:54:27 pm
Reviewing what I have written in this journal so far, I feel as I have written some good advice, to be honest, and I think I need to keep reminding myself of these things so I can stay on track. The past few days, I have been panicking so much, and I feel the stress getting to me. So, after each entry, I am going to write myself advice, tips and messages, just to keep myself going. I feel like by writing this, it will not only provide benefit to me but to everyone else reading this journal as well.


Hey! I just read through your journal, and enjoyed it thoroughly! I guess it was because I saw a lot of myself in you, and resonated with a lot of your thoughts and feelings, and finding someone like that makes reading all the more fascinating since I identify with a lot. I definitely agree reminding ourselves of things is key, we tend to forget a lot of the helpful advice and motivation and writing to yourself will only only benefit you but others so props to you, especially for your marks thus far, they are amazing!! I loved that piece of advice too! Lol my journal itself is titled: 'ephemerality' since vce is going to be over so soon, and what feels like the centre of everything now, is not going to matter.

I find your advice so wise and inspirational. As Pearlmilktea said, your heavy thoughts section was incredibly relatable. When you get so worked up and panicked, there really is no way to calm yourself.  And I'd agree, while writing stuff down sounds so generic and simple, it works, because you transfer all the mess into something that resembles coherence and you can take it step by step rather than being overwhelmed by too much.

I started this journal just to track where I am going, but it sort of became a place where I just re-organise my attitude and all that inside stuff.

Can totally resonate!

You'll achieve wonderful things, I can already tell! You are really inspiring! Can't wait for more, really.
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on May 28, 2019, 10:05:33 pm
Hey everybodyyy, hope you all are going swell ;D

Haven't updated in a long time. Finished my half-yearlies. Not sure if I mentioned this, but unlike other schools my school has half-yearlies around the start of term 2 instead of being at the end of term 1. This period was a huge learning experience. Like, man, there are no words to express how much I've learned about what effective study is. I've posted it in this thread, so check it out.

I have also got some exam marks back:

Chemistry: 57.5/67- 85.5%
I expect this to be even lower, as my teacher discounted the organic chemistry section as everyone did pretty bad. This exam hurt so much. The teacher gave us so much guidance on what the questions were going to be. What she did was give us the basics to make us pass, but left out details that would otherwise separate a band 5 student from a band 6 student. Can't say I agree with this practice, but she did say that she will not be this kind during the trials. I think what my brain did was assume that the teacher told the question word for word, so me in my great wisdom sped through everything and basically regurgitated everything I had memorised the day before. This resulted in me losing a lot of, if not all, 0.5-1 marks in every question.

This really hurt. I came out of the exam room feeling pretty good, and was expecting a mark higher than 95%. The day before she revealed our marks, she told us that we didn't do quite so well in organic chemistry section. I was pretty disappointed. I went home and was about to take a shower but just laid in bed staring up at the ceiling. I went to sleep for some time, but yeah. When I found out about this mark, yes, I was pretty devastated. But looking at the positives, this was a huge wake-up call just to study consistent everyday. Hope I'll get better next time.

Ancient History- 48/50- 96%
Damn. This one, however, I was really proud of. This was the one exam that caused me so much stress. I remember feeling so empty while I was studying for the exam, thinking of how much content I had yet to memorise. Luckily, I picked up the hints the teacher gave us during the revision session and focused on building up my knowledge of those areas. This worked out great, and I was fully in the zone. I was surprised that it was not as difficult as I thought it was. This was also a huge wake-up call, as I now I know that I should work everyday.

This exam period was rocky, but full of lessons to learn. I expected a shit storm at the beginning of this week due to receiving marks back, but after ancient history I am a bit more happy. I don't expect to do so well for my other subjects, but I have glad I had this experience.


Due to wanting to be consistent, this is my daily routine. It is in the spoiler:
Daily Routine
Weekdays
1st hour: HWK
2nd hour: Review for any subject I had for the majority of the day.
Dinner
3rd hour: A specified subject.
4th Hour: UCAT practice
I really need to start my UCAT preparation, since I haven't done it at all. I'm using medify at the moment, and it's working out great. So far, I haven't done any questions, but have taken extensive notes from their videos about advice.

Saturday
Tuition review and major assessments. Not really any self-study, just need to get shit done.

Sunday
Past papers, exams, tests, that kind of stuff.
I am going to do a past paper under time for both 2U maths and 3U maths. I have started this last weekend, but gave up around halfway. I hope by doing more and more papers I will develop the perseverance and grit to continue and finish the time.
For English and Ancient History, I am just going to practice writing essays/ responses under time.
For science subjects, I think I will use the ATARNotes topic tests. I've been holding back on these tests, as I have plenty of resources, but seeing from how they provide you with questions that will build your foundation, I think I will get this. I will, of course, do these under time.

Obviously, I will try to follow this as much as I can but if sometimes come short. For example, today I came back from school at 5:45, and tried to study but felt too tired. Had a bit of a nap, studied a bit but definitely not as productive as the past few days. I think I will allow this kind of thing to happen, although I will never try to repeat it consecutively, otherwise it would become a bad habit.

Except for the weekend, it should be pretty chill. I now have specific strategies for all my subjects, except Ancient history. I am trying to figure out how to maximise long term memory retention, but I think just doing practice questions will do the trick, as well as summaries and so on. Any tips for this???

Super long post, I know, but it was good to get everything out of the system. Hope I'll keep posting more!

Daily reflection
Over the weekend, I have been reflecting on marks and the ATAR in general. This was prompted from watching the Netflix show street-food (great show, highly recommend), in particular the Singapore segment. In it, they had a scene dedicated to this old man known as Master Tang, a noodle making extraordinaire. They describe how he was a "kitchen slave" for most of his life, and then he himself reflects on how he loves his work. There was this one wide shot of him, just making noodles on the side and focussing on his work. I don't know why, but that shot in particular motivated me so much. It showed me how life is not this mix and match of ups and downs. It is instead a straight calm line, with a bit of ups and downs. That shot just showed me how we often make out life to be bigger than it is, but in fact it is not really that bad or good as we expected, if that makes sense. With that, I have recently had a lot of anxiety over my marks and ATAR. After watching that show and that one segment in particular over and over again, I quickly realised that the ATAR is not life defining. If I just put in a lot of effort and get a mediocre ATAR, I realised by that one wide shot that I will be fine. No matter what happens, I will be fine. The ATAR I will get will (hopefully) be a reflection of my effort, and if not, then it is certainly not the end of the world.

Here's a little story. Back when I was in India, I was not really a good student. I received mediocre marks until year 5 hit and I received three D's. A 'D' for English, maths and science. Obviously I hadn't put it in the effort, and I vaguely remember feeling so shit when I had to tell my marks to my parents. When I came to Australia in year 6, obviously my marks weren't amazing. They kept improving, bit by bit each year. While some were amazing, others were a disappointment. Whatever it was, I am still here, being the same, if not a bit improved, person that I was five years ago. Whatever happens, after remembering that wide shot of the man just calmly making his noodles with such concentration reminds me that I will be fine, and I will find that one job where I will be like that man. I don't know, just something to think about!
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: Pearlmilktea on May 29, 2019, 03:14:40 pm
Whatever happens, after remembering that wide shot of the man just calmly making his noodles with such concentration reminds me that I will be fine, and I will find that one job where I will be like that man. I don't know, just something to think about!

Man I love your journey journal! It really pushes me to keep going and find the motivation to do my work!
I totally relate to finding inspiration from pop culture and TV shows. I think finding someone with a lot of passion and drive for their work helps me to keep going.

Congrats on your results too! You seem like you've absolutely smashed your exams ! Hard word pays off and studying smart definitely shows :D

Have a great week!
-Gracie
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on May 30, 2019, 07:58:37 am
Man I love your journey journal! It really pushes me to keep going and find the motivation to do my work!
I totally relate to finding inspiration from pop culture and TV shows. I think finding someone with a lot of passion and drive for their work helps me to keep going.

Thanks for the kind remarks! Yeah, pop culture and TV shows can sometimes be super motivating. What shows have motivated you the most?

Congrats on your results too! You seem like you've absolutely smashed your exams ! Hard word pays off and studying smart definitely shows :D

Have a great week!
-Gracie

Thanks! I mean, the teachers gave us big revision hints, so that might be part of the reason why I did so well. Mostly, it was just a huge lesson in that I found I needed to balance out work between assessment tasks and study. But you're right, hard work AND studying smart can lead to amazing results ;D ;D ;D

You too have a great week!!
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on June 07, 2019, 12:39:24 am
Just need to get something out of my system. It's a big one.
Spoiler
Today was such a mixed bag of emotions. We went out as a class the whole day for an excursion, mainly for history. We went to a museum in the University of Sydney, and there I encountered a wall filled with tombstones from the Roman era. On the floor was a funerary urn, with's it's inscription stating how the son made this for his mother's ashes. Didn't take much more of it, until a good friend told me," hey, isn't it weird that our tombstones will end up like that on the wall?"

Fuck man I was lost at words. I stared at this funerary urn for like 30 minutes or something. The ashes of mother, whom used to be a human being fully living in the world like me, experiencing emotions, being themself, experiencing the world. Now turned to ash. To powder that slips past the fingers into a small little box, eventually to wisp away and end up in a museaum in Australia to be glimpsed temporarily by passerbys, to be remain there alone.

I haven't had too many existential crisis these past three weeks, probably none from the start of this term since I was focussed on schoolwork. It just all came tumbling down today. I was silent, I just knew myself to be awkwardly silent at that moment.
Things kind of got better. My class attended the 'last night of the proms' which was great. Then we walked through the 'vivid' festival, in the Botanic gardens.i walked with a couple of friends, but then I got separated and decided to walk alone.
I don't know, things got kind of intense. I started to think about the future, and all these negative consequences. Getting a bad ATAR, imagining the look on their faces. Fuck, like I don't know, I just kept moving into a negative spiral.
I just starting thinking about my life, and I was just disappointed. I was just feeling very very isolated, lonely kind of. Fuck. Like I just... I don't know.

Thing is, I already have a great home, good enough friends, food and shelter. A bed. I have everything I need, and yet I still feel like I'm missing something. Or someone, I don't know. This bugging feeling inside that something is not right.

I think it is loneliness to be honest. I don't know, but every single fucking time I hear my friends having a good time or just talking, I put myself in such a spiral,FOMO takes over. I guess there is this internal fear that I am perhaps alone in this journey. Every time I envision the future, I keep uttering the word loneliness. I do think know if it is a figment I have created, but it's so painful. To see other people, especially your friends, enjoy themselves without you. It's a very selfish thing, I know, but it still creates some kind of pain.

And when I do go hang out with them, I end up not having much fun and sitting by the corner. I keep telling myself that I am missing out on an opportunity that might make me happy, but I always end up as a recluse, listening to music while they chat. I guess I am creating this kind of expectation, which my friends can't meet.

I feel kind of lonely. I notice myself more and more trying to fit in, immediately making choices that supposedly will bring me in closer with them. But there is an urging feeling sometimes, a feeling that stabs me or something lIke that.

I don't think I like the people in my class as well. I addressed this in my first few posts, but their attitude to certain situations in life is kind of scary. There is an overt belief subtly interwoven into my school's culture of masculinity. For instance, walking down to the opera house, I just told out loud that I (prepare for cringiness) that I was holding a special someones hand right now (UHHH SO CRINGE). My two friends started to refute this. I told them I'll just let it happen naturally, like not forcing myslef to get out there and meet new people. Like let the circumstances dictate what I will do next, and take the opportunity. Letting it happen naturally. They refuted this quite strongly, and here are the exact words one friend said,
"I'm going to be honest, it's a competition."

Fucking hell. There were much worse things said. It's this kind of degrading culture, so subtle in the atmosphere of my school, that I fucking hate so much. Fuck, every single day, they taint the many beautiful things of society, which apparently to them is fucking ridiculous. Fuck. There's not really anyone that I have a deep relationship ship with. I don't know, but it's so overwhelming that no one will kind of hear you out. I guess it's a bit selfish, but yeah.

Ending up alone, I think of how the future will tear apart. Ending up lonely, ending up with disappointed parents, a disappointing mark. Like it's hard.

Hopefully, it goes away sometime. I just needed to tell someone about this, because things get pretty dark sometimes when I'm down this spiral of thoughts.

Seeing everyone enjoying life. That kind of makes me happy but pains me, alway subconsciously asking myself the question 'why am I not as happy?". Its a pretty selfish thing to be honest, and I guess omething I need to get rid of. But the thing is I don't know. I've always been told to stop thinking of myself,  to stop being selfish, I guess that may be why I am always going down spirals. I don't know. I just don't know.

Hopefully ill get better tomorrow. Il post again and see how I am going.
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: Bri MT on June 07, 2019, 11:02:02 am
Just need to get something out of my system. It's a big one.
Spoiler
Today was such a mixed bag of emotions. We went out as a class the whole day for an excursion, mainly for history. We went to a museum in the University of Sydney, and there I encountered a wall filled with tombstones from the Roman era. On the floor was a funerary urn, with's it's inscription stating how the son made this for his mother's ashes. Didn't take much more of it, until a good friend told me," hey, isn't it weird that our tombstones will end up like that on the wall?"

Fuck man I was lost at words. I stared at this funerary urn for like 30 minutes or something. The ashes of mother, whom used to be a human being fully living in the world like me, experiencing emotions, being themself, experiencing the world. Now turned to ash. To powder that slips past the fingers into a small little box, eventually to wisp away and end up in a museaum in Australia to be glimpsed temporarily by passerbys, to be remain there alone.

I haven't had too many existential crisis these past three weeks, probably none from the start of this term since I was focussed on schoolwork. It just all came tumbling down today. I was silent, I just knew myself to be awkwardly silent at that moment.
Things kind of got better. My class attended the 'last night of the proms' which was great. Then we walked through the 'vivid' festival, in the Botanic gardens.i walked with a couple of friends, but then I got separated and decided to walk alone.
I don't know, things got kind of intense. I started to think about the future, and all these negative consequences. Getting a bad ATAR, imagining the look on their faces. Fuck, like I don't know, I just kept moving into a negative spiral.
I just starting thinking about my life, and I was just disappointed. I was just feeling very very isolated, lonely kind of. Fuck. Like I just... I don't know.

Thing is, I already have a great home, good enough friends, food and shelter. A bed. I have everything I need, and yet I still feel like I'm missing something. Or someone, I don't know. This bugging feeling inside that something is not right.

I think it is loneliness to be honest. I don't know, but every single fucking time I hear my friends having a good time or just talking, I put myself in such a spiral,FOMO takes over. I guess there is this internal fear that I am perhaps alone in this journey. Every time I envision the future, I keep uttering the word loneliness. I do think know if it is a figment I have created, but it's so painful. To see other people, especially your friends, enjoy themselves without you. It's a very selfish thing, I know, but it still creates some kind of pain.

And when I do go hang out with them, I end up not having much fun and sitting by the corner. I keep telling myself that I am missing out on an opportunity that might make me happy, but I always end up as a recluse, listening to music while they chat. I guess I am creating this kind of expectation, which my friends can't meet.

I feel kind of lonely. I notice myself more and more trying to fit in, immediately making choices that supposedly will bring me in closer with them. But there is an urging feeling sometimes, a feeling that stabs me or something lIke that.

I don't think I like the people in my class as well. I addressed this in my first few posts, but their attitude to certain situations in life is kind of scary. There is an overt belief subtly interwoven into my school's culture of masculinity. For instance, walking down to the opera house, I just told out loud that I (prepare for cringiness) that I was holding a special someones hand right now (UHHH SO CRINGE). My two friends started to refute this. I told them I'll just let it happen naturally, like not forcing myslef to get out there and meet new people. Like let the circumstances dictate what I will do next, and take the opportunity. Letting it happen naturally. They refuted this quite strongly, and here are the exact words one friend said,
"I'm going to be honest, it's a competition."

Fucking hell. There were much worse things said. It's this kind of degrading culture, so subtle in the atmosphere of my school, that I fucking hate so much. Fuck, every single day, they taint the many beautiful things of society, which apparently to them is fucking ridiculous. Fuck. There's not really anyone that I have a deep relationship ship with. I don't know, but it's so overwhelming that no one will kind of hear you out. I guess it's a bit selfish, but yeah.

Ending up alone, I think of how the future will tear apart. Ending up lonely, ending up with disappointed parents, a disappointing mark. Like it's hard.

Hopefully, it goes away sometime. I just needed to tell someone about this, because things get pretty dark sometimes when I'm down this spiral of thoughts.

Seeing everyone enjoying life. That kind of makes me happy but pains me, alway subconsciously asking myself the question 'why am I not as happy?". Its a pretty selfish thing to be honest, and I guess omething I need to get rid of. But the thing is I don't know. I've always been told to stop thinking of myself,  to stop being selfish, I guess that may be why I am always going down spirals. I don't know. I just don't know.

Hopefully ill get better tomorrow. Il post again and see how I am going.

re spoiler
You might have a different take on this, but are those ashes truly alone? So long after the person they are made up of has passed, there is still an impact being had on others. I don't know the entirety of anyone's life but that doesn't make them any less important or impactful.

Many people will tell you that the ATAR isn't that important in the scheme of things but in some sense to truly understand you have to be outside the highschool-bubble. That bubble is a weird place that can warp your perception of things and it can be a rough place to be in, but as the time passes and you've been out there long enough you'll get what we mean. Best of luck until then.


It's not selfish to want connection with others or to want to be understood. You're right that the responsibility isn't just on your friends to have you feel belonging but it's also not something you need to struggle through alone. If they're good friends you should be able to tell them how you feel - and even that alone can ease difficulty and loneliness.

It's not a pleasant feeling, but there's also nothing wrong with feeling loneliness sometimes. And certainly nothing wrong with you for that. If you do start to think that it's having a significant impact on your life and it doesn't seem to be going away I'd suggest you look into how you can improve and understand your mental wellbeing - including talking to a professional.

If you get an ATAR well below your potential that wouldn't make you a disappointment - mainly it means that you might take a slightly different road to your career and/or study goals. Yeah your parents might be disappointed and that's difficult to go through, but it doesn't mean that that feeling will persist or that you are a disappointment. There is so much more than your grades (especially your highschool grades) and even though it may be hard to understand now you and your parents won't define you by them.

I've had parts of my life where I thought I was a disappointment, not living up to my former potential etc. and even though it can feel all-consuming at the time it isn't. You get past it. I hope you don't go through that to the same extent as many of us in our age group do, but if you do, you won't be alone and it will pass if you give it enough time.

There's nothing wrong with not being happy or wanting to be happy. I prefer to chase fulfillment rather than happiness as I find it is more lasting, but there are a lot of societal messages around happiness being the most important thing which can make that difficult. You can have everything going right in your life and still not always feel happiness; that's not being broken, it's being human.


Easy advice to give and harder to enact, but if you can identify how your spirals start it can make it easier to avoid the plunge.

Best of luck
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on June 07, 2019, 09:39:01 pm
re spoiler
You might have a different take on this, but are those ashes truly alone? So long after the person they are made up of has passed, there is still an impact being had on others. I don't know the entirety of anyone's life but that doesn't make them any less important or impactful.

Many people will tell you that the ATAR isn't that important in the scheme of things but in some sense to truly understand you have to be outside the highschool-bubble. That bubble is a weird place that can warp your perception of things and it can be a rough place to be in, but as the time passes and you've been out there long enough you'll get what we mean. Best of luck until then.


It's not selfish to want connection with others or to want to be understood. You're right that the responsibility isn't just on your friends to have you feel belonging but it's also not something you need to struggle through alone. If they're good friends you should be able to tell them how you feel - and even that alone can ease difficulty and loneliness.

It's not a pleasant feeling, but there's also nothing wrong with feeling loneliness sometimes. And certainly nothing wrong with you for that. If you do start to think that it's having a significant impact on your life and it doesn't seem to be going away I'd suggest you look into how you can improve and understand your mental wellbeing - including talking to a professional.

If you get an ATAR well below your potential that wouldn't make you a disappointment - mainly it means that you might take a slightly different road to your career and/or study goals. Yeah your parents might be disappointed and that's difficult to go through, but it doesn't mean that that feeling will persist or that you are a disappointment. There is so much more than your grades (especially your highschool grades) and even though it may be hard to understand now you and your parents won't define you by them.

I've had parts of my life where I thought I was a disappointment, not living up to my former potential etc. and even though it can feel all-consuming at the time it isn't. You get past it. I hope you don't go through that to the same extent as many of us in our age group do, but if you do, you won't be alone and it will pass if you give it enough time.

There's nothing wrong with not being happy or wanting to be happy. I prefer to chase fulfillment rather than happiness as I find it is more lasting, but there are a lot of societal messages around happiness being the most important thing which can make that difficult. You can have everything going right in your life and still not always feel happiness; that's not being broken, it's being human.


Easy advice to give and harder to enact, but if you can identify how your spirals start it can make it easier to avoid the plunge.

Best of luck

Thanks Bri MT for the kind words. I especially like how being sometimes unhappy is not being broke but being human. That point really spoke to me.

I kind of relate to you on being a disappointment. The night where I had to show my report card to my parents was the worst. I remember in year 9, after receiving some bad grades, I walked back home from school. I looked to my house and I kind of broke down. I've always kind of felt like a disappointment, but you are absolutely right in saying that it will pass. It sucks to be in it, but it will surely pass. Like you said, it's to be human to experience these things.

Today was a little bit better. I submitted my chemistry assessment, had the school athletics carnival today. It was so boring. We just sat around having nothing to do. I think these spirals often begin when I am alone. When alone, sitting down, FOMO, anxiety, regret, all these negative emotions wash down on me. Which is kind of sad, to be honest, because I used to love being alone. I would often try and find the time to just sit down and watch the wind brush the tress, the sun setting down, the wind gently flowing through the branches, hearing the bustle of far away school children nearby. I used to love that, sitting by myself and just being in the moment. I remember one time, I just closed my eyes and I felt a kind of peace I had never experienced before, not thinking about anything and just experiencing the world, in the present moment.
Now my thoughts kind of take over me. I become more anxious, more scared of the future more than ever, which is kind of unfortunate. I might try some meditation to fix this, I'll let you know how it goes.

So yeah. I am feeling a little bit better than yesterday, which is an improvement.
 Did feel a bit lonely today as well. Also, a bit of a side note, ive made my school sound like shit. It really isn't. It's just their belief system that I have a problem with. The teachers are actually amazing, going out of their way to help us students. My friends can also be great supporters, although sometimes I feel left out.

The more and more I think about it, there really is a balance between everything in life. It is when one side gets tipped over that conflict starts to arise. Whatever it is, I hope to repair this balance and become a better version of myself.

I might stop at these kinds of reflections to be honest, they take quite a bit of time and ends with me feeling a little bit dreadful ???. I'll try to 'balance' ( :)) it out with daily stuff. However, if people are starting to like this a lot, I'll take the chance and do it, because I often feel more in tune with myself when writing this.

Finally, thank you if you have read this far. I'll make an update this weekend.

Peace,
r1ckworthy.

(PS kind of playing around with the idea of video blogs, stay tuned!)
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on June 16, 2019, 12:27:07 am
Hey peeps!!!

Context: My friends and I planned out something for the long weekend last monday, and I decided to vlog it. Be prepared for a mouthful of cringe, you gonna get it ;D ;D ;D.

A few things to keep wary:
-My first vlog, don't judge ;D
-My laugh be super weird sometimes, excuse me for that ;D
-I'm ending all my my points with this emoji  ;D cause I'm a sick lad
-ENJOY!!! I was initially hesitant to upload it, but my friends convinced me otherwise. Uploading it here so that I'll remember to watch it when I look back ;D


BTW. I know at the end I mentioned uploading it yesterday, premiere pro won't import some of my files until 11:00PM yesterday so yesssss.
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on June 19, 2019, 12:23:09 am
Hey y'all!

Hope you have enjoyed the vlog up above. I initially wanted to edit it on Friday evening, but premiere pro won't officially import all my files. After 2-3 hors, I realised that there were videos less than 1 second long. The footage was finally imported at 11:00 after deleting those files. I didn't want to feel as if the day was wasted, so isat around editing it until 1:00AM. It was totally worth it.
I had initially thought that I should not uploading to my journal. I thought it would be too cringe, and revealing my face to the wonderful users here would kind 'disturb' what they think of me as a person. As can be seen from the video, I am a really awkward and cringe person, who occasionally thinks quite deeply about the world. But I showed it to my friends (who are in the video) and they totally changed my mind. It took quite some time to upload (the final export was 1.9Gb!). Totally worth it, and I hope you have enjoyed it!

In terms of school, my marks haven't been that great. For X1 maths, I got 54.5/70 (78%) with my final mark being 41/50. It was top mark, and if I had committed those silly mistakes I would definitely have gotten high nineties! Any suggestions for this?
For English, my final mark was 83/100 which is pretty decent. However, I do have to say that the marking felt kind of dodgy. My opinion, but it was kind of dodgy. Regardless, I am not too happy with this mark, and I need to work harder in order to increase it to a band 6.

Now I have officially started timed practice for the UCAT! I've been practicing for quite some time, but all my sections are close or below the average. I think from now one, im doing to dedicate one section perday, and to keep doing questions until I get good at them. Like for instance what is the point of doing timed quantitative section if you cant even complete it? My plan is to become comfortable with the questions and get used to it, and then doing it over and over again to get used to them. Otherwise I see no point in continuing timed practice if I am not good at them. My school has this program where yr11/12 for to Canberra as a study camp sort of thing straight after holidays. My UCAT is 2 days after this, and I won't have access to medify,  which leaves me very worried. So I think I'll just do as many questions in each section as possible, and then only doing timed responses when I have become good at them.

I also have two assessment tasks next week! One for maths X1 (a practical investigation) and English (detective fiction story) which I have gotten started on. I need to get these done, so I hope I finish it in this weekend.

As well as that, I as well as another person were chosen to represent our school to go-to government house, which is pretty cool! I really don't understand why I was chosen, since there are so many people that are more involved with the school then I am, but yeah. I'm happy about that, and I'm going this Thursday!

I feel more and more stressed right now, probably because of those two assessment tasks. However, I need to calm myself down, and just work gradually everyday until I finish it.

Here's something I realised this week:
Spoiler
I have been getting really anxious over the past few days. Yesterday for instance I only completed 8-9 questions out of 30 for timed quantitative reasoning for UCAT practice!
This lead to some deep self hate such as:
"Your not smart, why do you bother trying?"
"Your an utter disappointment, just stop.”
“You will never improve.”
Very negative thoughts. I almost started to cry to be honest and jus breakdown, it just overwhelmed me fully at that moment.
“Stop trying."
"Your parents are doctors, look at you."

I woke up, and another surge of anxiety hit me once again. But this time I just stayed calm and just breathed deeply in and out.
I realised I need to go back to the days where I enjoyed being alone. So for the next few weeks, I am going to practice 10 minutes of meditation. I need to go back being calm and collected, having full confidence in my self despite under the pressure. I need to top his negative thinking to be honest. Sometimes, to be honest, I really hate myself. I suppose this is promoted by sokeof my classmates. Being called cringe,it's seems small, and I know its small, but man... I don't know, it just kind of fucking hurts. I can kind of imagine them now, reading this journal post (which they have done) and just calling it cringe and dismissing it.

They can be good friends by the way. They have provided some support and plenty of funny memories. But it is also them who have kind of caused me to be self conscious and deeply critical of myself and my potential. I feel like I have to act like someone else, this sort of fake cringe guy. I frankly don't know how to act around them.

It was today I realised I am in control ofmy life, and while I can't control who I am and my emotions, I can let it be as it is. I can be calm and just smile. Only a few more months, and I will have to endure this kind of thing.
But at the same time, I do think I will miss them. It so weird. I've come to the realisation that life really is all about balance. Sometimes you will have good days and bad days, but they are all equal. It is us who emphasise the days. We can choose to focus on the good days or bad days. And I think I, and others, choose to focus on the bad in order to feel better about ourselves. And that's alright. But I think a better way is to take a deep breath and just let it be. To focus on the now, to be fully immersed in the present, letting the rain fall and not trying to avoid it is the best way to experience life. Because the only way to see the sun is to live through the night.

I like that metaphor. I feel it's sums up the HSC experience, and everything in general. We must experience the night in order to see the sun rise.
And while we might seem like we are forever in the dark, the best thing to do is to keep wading into the unknown, and just fully immerse ourself in the present. Choosing to let go of anxiety, negativity... That's when I we experience happiness, or experience fulfillment.
But it can be hard to let go of anxiety, depression, all those shitty things. I think that's where meditation comes in. Practicing meditation, to be in silence without thinking, is to remind ourself that we will be fine.
To whomever is reading this, especially those in the midst of chaos, know that it will pass. Don't attempt to block the emotions. Take a deep breath. Cry your heart out. You will feel much better in the future. You will be fine, and you will be alright. Whatever comes your way, anxiety, death, whatever, just keep the knowledge that it will pass.
Know that it will pass.
Know that it will pass.
We must experience the night in order to feel the sunshine.
 

That's my week so far, will update on Friday. Have a great week  ;D ;D ;D.

Peace,
R1ckworthy.
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: rani_b on June 21, 2019, 07:38:11 pm
Hey!!

I'm sitting the UCAT too and it's really starting to stress me out as well. I really relate to you about feeling anxious/worried about the timing (I literally just did a practice and went worse then I have ever gone, so that wasn't too great).

But, i can tell that you are really dedicated and working towards set goals - it's hard to ignore that voice in your head, but it's good that you recognise that thoughts like that will only hold you back. So I'm sure you'll go great  ;D

Good luck!!

P.S. quantitative reasoning is so hard what even  :(
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: laura_ on June 22, 2019, 07:55:42 am
Choosing to let go of anxiety, negativity... That's when I we experience happiness, or experience fulfillment.
But it can be hard to let go of anxiety, depression, all those shitty things. I think that's where meditation comes in. Practicing meditation, to be in silence without thinking, is to remind ourself that we will be fine.
To whomever is reading this, especially those in the midst of chaos, know that it will pass. Don't attempt to block the emotions. Take a deep breath. Cry your heart out. You will feel much better in the future. You will be fine, and you will be alright. Whatever comes your way, anxiety, death, whatever, just keep the knowledge that it will pass.
Know that it will pass.
Know that it will pass.
We must experience the night in order to feel the sunshine.

Such profoundness and a great thing to carry into the final week of term. Have loved reading your journal. It's felt really authentic and raw and certainly been a massive encouragement!
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: Bri MT on June 22, 2019, 12:39:16 pm
Hey,

I'd personally feel much more comfortable giving a speech to a thousand people than videoing myself and having 30 people see it, so kudos for having the courage to upload when you felt/feel self-concious about it. You might find it hard to believe this, but when I watch the video I see a AN-er having a memorable day with their friends and not a "cringe" person.

I'm not sure if this'll help you, but something that was beneficial to me when I've been very stressed is to replace words like "need" with "should". Eg. Really, it isn't a requirement that you "need" to calm yourself down but you "should" as it will help you. For me, this me helps me see anxiety and stress as something I can work through rather than a terrifying obstacle.

response to spoiler
It seems that there's a part of you that says you aren't good enough (would be surprising if there wasn't given most people have this - and btw it's mistaken) and that it uses test performance as leverage for who it thinks you "should" be. I can tell you now that test performance does not accurately measure how smart you are or how good a doctor you would be. It's more accurate than taking a completely random guess (hence why they use it) but it certainly isn't fully accurate. I did a few UMAT practice questions (back when I was feeling pressure to keep a medical career pathway open) and my worst section was qualitative reasoning even though I've been a high-achiever in STEM for most of my life.

Yeah often it's the people we care most about who we allow to injure us most deeply (even if accidentally). All forms of relationship (friendship, family etc.) can be complicated and it's perfectly understandable to be torn between wanting people in and pushing them away. I don't know enough about your relationships with them to give advice about what lines to draw and where, or if you can can avoid them by communicating your difficulties in the right way, but know that it's ok to struggle with this.

It can be hard to make mindfullness a habit and I wish you best of luck with it - please try not to be too hard on yourself if you forget.

I hope that government house is great - maybe your school saw what we see here: that you're a dedicated and welcoming student who helps others

Edit: fixed bbc code
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on June 23, 2019, 12:20:31 am
Hey! Thank you to all who replied. Certainly made my weekend. I know, rani_b, quantitative section is so fucked up ::) ::)
Thanks laura_ for the kind words! Hopefully it all pays off  ;D ;D ;D

Big thanks to Bri MT for what you said. I especially resonated about the part with marks and how it does not reflect me as a person. But it can be so damn hard to remember that. I don’t know, right now my eyes are set on this one path of being a doctor and I literally can’t think of any other career that can suit me. I’ll get on to that later.

Firstly, the government house trip was great! First we listened to MPs speak of their journey, and one such MP shouted our school out! Super embarassing since it was two of once in a room of 150 kids from other schools, but it was lit 8). Afterwards, we went to the upper and lower house, where it got especially heated. It was really cool! We ate lunch and then proceeded to the government house. We took a tour, and then chilled outside in the garden for a bit. We then listened to the governer speak, who was Margaret Beazely. It was super formal, like we had to address her as 'Your Excellency' and that kind of shit. Her lecture was alright, but then we went outside again. We chatted with two Syrian refugees, who were super duper nice! One guy wanted to be an actor, and we chatted of films as I used to be very interested in that area. A girl joined our conversation, and she was pretty cool too. Afterwards we went back to school. It was a great day, and one I won't forget. Here's a pic of me standing outside in the garden of government house:
(https://i.imgur.com/Ao38wZ6_d.jpg?maxwidth=640&shape=thumb&fidelity=medium)

Needless to say, I look pretty sick 8) 8) 8)

I haven't done that much work to be honest, which I need to do more of. Tonight, I went to Eastwood with my family and our neighbours. We went to a Singapore restaurant, which was absolutely great, at least the food. We had crabs and a whole lot of other seafood. Let's just say things got messy ;D

I came home and did some times practice for UCAT. Things are not going to well, and I need to research on how I can improve.

I think with each journal post (like before) I'm going to put a spoiler in which I rang or release something I have been thinking about recentky. Please feel free to skip, absolute not necessary ;D
Spoiler
Two thoughts are dominating me right now. One is that I'm not doing well in terms of academics, and that I need to find new people.
Let's address the first thought first. I'm really worried in terms of marks. My UCQT hasn't gone too well, and it's in two weeks. My average for each section is below or close to the average, which should not be. Plus, I probably won't practice the week after next week, as I'm away to Canberra on a school study camp without access to the internet. I'm deeply worried. I think I need to research on how I can improve tomorrow. Honestly, now that I think about it, I just need to keep practicing and practicing. I guess that's really it. I'm gonna research and see what happens tomorrow.

The second thought. Right now, I feel kind of deprived, if you know what I mean. Or in other words, lonely, like I'm kind of missing something or someone, no matter how cringe that sounds. Like, I really like my friends an all that, but I always feel like needing to release to someone, to have someone to talk to, who's available. I'm craving a close relationship with people, whom I,  in the moment, can talk to. And it's kind of hopeless right now, because the only people I kind of know close are at school, where my character is already set in the social spectrum, if you know what I mean. That's why I love AN at the moment. People don't really see me as cringe (hopefully :)) and accept me for who I am. I just wish that people whom I can interact with see me beyond the surface. I wish I could become myself, letting go of my seeming confidence and just be myself in front of someone, an insecure person who needs to let stuff out.
On the other hand, I also wish to help people. I've been trying to do that on AN for sometime, and it really fulfills me. I just wish right now that people in my current life right now will be right there for me right now, and that I can be right there for them at anytime. I wish I can talk to them at any time and they will respond, and they will talk to me and I will talk to them.

It's a really selfish thing to be honest, but I think deep inside I've wanting that to be true. I do realise that no person can fill this role, but I wish there would be someone to whom I can instantly release. I've tried to do this in the past, but what people say usually is 'ill be there for you' instead of just listening. And it's so hard to tell them of what I've been thinking as well. It's really hard to reveal to someone of what I am feeling.

Sometimes, I feel like this is the right way to go, to be alone and go through these experiences alone, in order to grow stronger. But I feel like needing someone by my side as well. I don't know.

I've been telling my friends about this, and they've told me to get into a relationship with someone. But who!?!? I'm perfectly available to be honest, but there is no one whom I have resonated with or known other than school friends :-[ :-[ :-[. That would solve something, perhaps, but the problem is there is no one.

It's this internal struggle I guess I need to face independently. I guess meditation and mindfulness would help, but yeah.

This shit is super embarassing, and it shouldn't be, but it kind of is. Whatever it is, I'm just feeling the need to get to know more people and to make new friends other than those at school. I've post again tomorrow, but I can't really find a solution to this.
 

So that's been it so far. Hope the post was good!

Peace,

r1ckworthy.
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on July 09, 2019, 11:37:50 pm
 After a marvellous night of counting to 20 before a mod posts, what better to end it than a long overdue journal post? ;D ;D ;D (PS Poet if you're reading this, THANK YOU SO MUCH for making me work, really needed it otherwise things were going to get out of hand ::) ::))

A whole of things have happened since I last posted. Let me break it down:

Study Camp: Honestly, it was a total bore. I wish I could have stayed home and dedicated some intense practice to UCAT (which I will talk about later on) but anyways. My cabin was with friends I roughly alluded to in my previous journal posts. We did some stupid stuff (which I had to apologise for, will tell the story at a later time), and towards the last day, I let my rising anger get the best of my and I got full on triggered at them. I'm usually a very calm person, but I just let loose. Eventually, they figured to stop and apologised to me. At the end, I apologized again for letting my temper get the best of me and we all became happily ever after (not really, but we were okay with each other again :)) Other than that, camp was a huge stretch, and I was never more excited to come home. Some parts of it were pretty good, but I would not go back again.

UCAT: Okay so I came back from camp last Saturday. I was intending to do a mock test on that night, but instead went to bed. On Sunday morning, I completed a mock test on medify. Afterwards, I half procrastinated/ analysed every single wrong question I got (which were a lot) for the verbal reasoning, decision making and situational judgement sections. I ended up making five pages worth of notes. On Monday (yesterday), I started three mock tests but I couldn't bring myself to finish them. I ended up doing a whole bunch of quantitative reasoning questions from the official UCAT website, which I think really influenced my score. My test was scheduled at 8:00 so I took a nap at 5:30 and woke up again at 6:30. I was extremely nervous during the whole day, to say the least, and I really needed a nap. I ate dinner and my dad, my sister and my beautifully drove me to the testing centre. At first I was nervous, but then I become more chill. I spoke to this guy who just graduated last year and who was doing med sci (or some other related degree) and we just talked about a lot of things while we waited. We began our test at 8:45 (maybe a bit later). I think I became a bit too chill,I found myself singing Gangnam style in my head just before I started ::).
After the test, I was kind of laughing because of how bad I did. I predicted to get 400-500 range scores for all subsections (for those who don't know, the UCAT converts all scores of subsections to a scale between 300 and 900). My results are in the spoiler:
UCAT Results
Verbal Reasoning: High 500's
Decision Making: High 500's
Quantitative Reasoning: 710
Abstract Reasoning: 680
Situational judgement: High 500's
Total score (discounting sit.jdg.): 2500

I was throughly surprised seeing my test scores, especially for QR and AR. In order to get into med, I think from watching other videos I need to get a total score>2800 (in order to get above the 90th percentile) so I am not expecting to receive an offer this year. This test,to be honest, was a bit of a confidence booster because it showed me I have the mental capacity and the 'smarts' to actually do alright in my scores, all I needed to do is just to be thoroughly prepared ;D. I will definitely retake the test next year, hopefully I will do enough preparation to get above 700's in all my subsections.

My future plan after highschool is now to get into an advanced science degree and then transfer to medicine next year, if all goes well. I will make a much thorough plan later, I fully expect no offers for interviews this year. I don't see this as disappointing, I know that it's really hard to get into med, but the point is that I need to keep trying. I have watched videos of people who tried the UCAT FOUR BLOOMING TIMES (in the UK) and they got it. This is just a small bump in my path, so hopefully I keep persevering!!! All I am going to do now is focus on getting a really great ATAR and then we will see how things go from here.

It's 11:30 and I really need to go to sleep :P. I will update in the coming days of what stuff I intend to do over these holidays. Its a shame I can't attend any lectures, as I have extra holiday classes and it is in the city (which is a huge hassle). Also, I plan to do a 'UCAT: lessons I've learned' article here in the UCAT thread, definitely lookout for that. Otherwise, thanks to all who is reading, hope you have had an awesome week so far!

Byeee,

r1ckworthy.






Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: KingTings on July 09, 2019, 11:47:31 pm
Love your dedication and mind set dude! I'm sure you will smash HSC out of the park, and get into med later on.
I envy your drive and perseverance, it's better than most med students and first round achievers I know, who don't work as hard in the long run.
Good luck with your studies! Love the posts  ;D
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: martinstran on July 10, 2019, 05:14:52 pm
Your positive attitude and outlook is so inspiring! It's really great to see someone so passionate about their future goals. Since UCAT is percentile based, maybe wait just a little bit before you change up your undergrad uni plan? I'm no med expert, but some of my friends have said that it kinda depends on how the rest of the cohort goes in the exams, so your numerical score might not be the 'be all and end all'. Apply everywhere because you never know what might happen in terms of offers ;D
Good luck (not that you'll need it) on your journey to becoming a doctor!
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on July 10, 2019, 10:46:28 pm
Love your dedication and mind set dude! I'm sure you will smash HSC out of the park, and get into med later on.
I envy your drive and perseverance, it's better than most med students and first round achievers I know, who don't work as hard in the long run.
Good luck with your studies! Love the posts  ;D

Hey dude, thanks so much! I really love seeing your dedications well in your journal! Super inspiring stuff!! While I would describe myself as lazy, I can see a kind of drive within me than some high round achievers don't have (probably came from seeing my mom work 7-10 mon-sat in India- she's a neurologist). I do need to work harder, thanks so much for the encouragement  ;D ;D ;D

Your positive attitude and outlook is so inspiring! It's really great to see someone so passionate about their future goals. Since UCAT is percentile based, maybe wait just a little bit before you change up your undergrad uni plan? I'm no med expert, but some of my friends have said that it kinda depends on how the rest of the cohort goes in the exams, so your numerical score might not be the 'be all and end all'. Apply everywhere because you never know what might happen in terms of offers ;D
Good luck (not that you'll need it) on your journey to becoming a doctor!

Thank you so much for your kind words! I did get told that by some people, but by looking at cohorts in the previous year (those in the UK) I ended up passing 60th percentile which is not great for gaining a med interview. However that may not be the outcome- maybe everyone did terrible since this is the first year- although I do think that is very unlikely. I will try to apply everywhere, although I will leave my top preference to be advanced science or something similar to that, not too sure about this but I’ll update in the coming months! Again, thank you so much for your kind words, really made my night ;D ;D ;D. Your journal is high on the to-do list of things to read in ATARnotes  ;D, caught a sneak peak yesterday and it looks pretty awesome!
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on July 15, 2019, 12:39:57 am
Heyooo,

Just got to unleash some heavy stuff on my mind right now.
Spoiler
So I started to think about this stuff (which I will get onto later) when I just about finished my English assessment (which is due tomorrow). And I felt myself being kind of lazy, like I just felt like not finishing it to be honest. During that time I kept reminding myself that high achiever, 99'ers, need to work hard and give everything their best shot, at all times. But I just felt kind of tired, like I just felt like not doing it. I kept comparing myself to others to be honest. Like I just kept envisioning the teachers saying,"you had a great story but you just don't have the skill to write." That became kind of painful, and part of the reason on why that put me off.
Fast forward to when I printed everything off and went to bed, I just randomly put into the search bar on YouTube on my iPad,"Zion Williamson story". For those who don't know, Zion was just recently drafted into NBA, and is superfamous for his athleticism. I felt like I was a bit burnt out and needed some inspiration. There was a mini-documentary about him, and I started to watch it. I rewatched that three times.
What I want to talk about is my ambition, and my selfishness. During my younger years, I had always wanted to win, right, I was always the kid who imagined himself winning prizes on stage, being the centre of attention, that kind of stuff. And I am still kind of that, I don't know, some of that thinking is still ingrained inside me.
And it was super painful to see it turn out the other way. One year, we were in a school assembly and the principal started to hand out awards to some of the kids in my class, ones that I thought weren't necessarily as smart as me. I broke down during that assembly, tears almost streaming down my face.
And that kind of ambition, that habit of imagining oneself succeeding can become so crippling. And that kind of thinking still dominates me. I always feel as if I am a really smart and gifted person, like I would imagine myself getting all state ranks for all my subjects, stupid shit like that.
It hurts so much when the other version plays out. Having to walk up and tell your parents for the millionth time that my report grades weren't good enough. It hurts so much. And to have high-achieving parents, both successful doctors in their fields, does not help at all.
"Look at the gap between me and my parents." That kind of thinking dominates me most of the time.
Some of what Bri MT said in her previous posts here helped me a little bit to realise that there is more to existence than marks. There is more to life than status, reputation, marks etc.

There is more to life than marks.
I need to start retraining myself to have no or minimal expectations with events. I need to stop being selfish, always holding myself in my head as the centre of attention and just fucking live in the present moment. I need to stop thinking about stuff in the future and just start living in the now, no matter how cringe that sounds.
I just need to let go of my needing to imagine / control my future, and just let it be.  I just need to let go of that tiny, criticising voice in my head that yells at me every single time some miniscule thing goes wrong. I need to be more calm and just live in the present moment. To stop overthinking, and just exist,
I guess that is my problem. Overthinking.

If you are reading this far, sorry for babbling random shit, I'm just writing what comes to mind.

We all just need to take a deep breath in sometimes and let things be as they are. Just calm down and stop listening to the voice in our heads. We need to be more stoic. We need to stop acting as if there is always conflict in our lives, which there isn't. We just need to gradually learn that our life will not be interesting sometimes unless we make it. We need to stop overthinking and takes things a little serious, but mostly fun. We need to be more light hearted with ourself. We just need to breathe and just smile.
We need to convince ourself that our lives are no movies. We are human beings, and for some odd reason we are here on this planet breathing and just experiencing the world. For some reason we are here on this planet, an atom when compared to the universe, and we are here to experience, to feel emotions, gain wonder and just be. Our lives do not need to be filled with conflict, drama or stress unless we make it to be. Every experience is within our control, and we get to choose whether we perceive it as good or bad.
I need to just calm down and just experience things in the present. I need to stop taking myself seriously and just have god damn fun doing the stuff I love. I need to convince myself that this is not a bad experience, as I have made it out to be. I get to choose whether it will be a bad experience or not.
We need to stop taking ourself seriously, stop comparing ourselves and just keep going. We get to decide what our future actions will be. We get to decide whether this will be a good bad experience. We get to choose whether to be scared of our thoughts, our naive surface level thoughts or let them be just as they are. We need to start recognising our thoughts as clouds in the sky, and we need to let them pass by.

Don't know about you,but thateels much better. Guess I need to keep reminding myself of this more and more.