ATAR Notes: Forum

HSC Stuff => New South Wales Education Discussion => The HSC Journey Journal => Topic started by: r1ckworthy on February 14, 2019, 10:44:06 pm

Title: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on February 14, 2019, 10:44:06 pm
Hello all,

I have been thinking about whether to actually a journal ever since I've discovered ATAR notes (earlier this year during the January lectures), and after reading so many, I think I am going to give it a try.

My aim for this year is to try and get into medicine in New South Wales. Why? Well, here's the explanation below (bout to get deep, skip if you like):

Spoiler
In terms of my life, I haven't really done anything memorable or life impacting. The way I've see it, I have been an average guy for my whole life. So, if I do become a doctor, I would actually help someone. I would ACTUALLY help someone. Like, for real. I basically relieve someone of pain they have been experiencing. And while that seems insufficient, I guess I can be proud that I have been the one to let them live a bit more happy and give them hope for a long life. And, for an average guy, that's seems fantastic. The idea of relieving someone of the suffering they've been going through makes me a bit more content, and a bit more satisfied. A bit more satisfied of the fact that I have actually helped someone.

Sorry if that did not make sense. I guess as I keep journaling, I'll get more comfortable being myself. Anyways, back to reality, the main purpose of this journal is to update it with events of the week and how I've been feeling. I also hope you all who are reading this will remind me to journal as well ;D ;D ;D.

Right now, my assessment marks are really good. I've only gotten two back, and so far, they're pretty alright:
Physics: 27.9/30
Ancient History: 18.8/20

I also have been studying relatively hard for the past few days. But I also have a tendency to procrastinate a lot. And I mean a lot. Take today. Ever since I got home, I haven't touched anything, except watch a few study questions and read through NESA's sample papers. So I hope by updating this journal and seeing how much progress I've made, I would be motivated to start work back up again.

I guess that's all for now. There's one more thing I've been meaning to get off my chest though. I've put it in the spoiler. It's something that's been going on in my mind for the whole day.
Spoiler
I'm not sure if I like my class. My school is really small, and so there are only 25 people in my class (you think that's bad, well last year there were only 8 people in year 12 ;D[) What I mean't to say is that I'm just not sure if I like it. I feel as if I have to keep an act together in order to fit in and avoid looking bad. The friends I have are great, but they are just not like me. I guess they're more social and more extroverted, while I'm more of an introvert. I tend to be alone for most of the time, sitting at the back of the classroom and watching on. One or two of them do ask me if I am depressed when I am in this mood, which is super nice of them, but I can't seem to tell them what is bothering me, even when I know what is going on. I guess I dislike the culture surrounding my school. I'm not too sure what to say. Today, for instance, I was silent for the whole morning. I was thinking too much about life in general, and I would not like to reveal my view until much later into the year when I'm much more comfortable. Also, there was this girl whom I kind of wanted to talk to but couldn't really gather up the strength to chat with her. I guess that's also weighing me down as well. I would say I'm an emotional thinker, where I become too entangled in my thoughts. I guess what I truly desire is to make newer, more diverse friends. Like, meet people who are so different yet so relatable to me. I love my current friends, don't get me wrong, but I think I would like to make newer ones. This desire, I guess, started when I went to a leadership camp for three days (known as the Mitchell Youth leadership forum), and I quickly recognised how there was a world outside of my school, and that I am missing out on a lot of fun. Now, this might not be true, but I feel like it is. And the truth is, I do not agree with my school's personal beliefs
(which I won't mention here) and I feel different to others. Now, don't get me wrong. The people here are great. The teachers can be super nice most of the time and super inspiring ( and some classmates as well) but I am kind of awkward in their company most of the time. I don't really know how to express it. So that's my dilemma right now. Super long, I now, and i commend you for reading it ;D ;D ;D. Maybe you guys can help me out??? And please, give me some tough love and tell me what you think, even if you think it would hurt my feelings. I am open to anything to improve.


So yeah, this is my journal for the rest of the year. I hope to do this at least once every week, and update you all with what's going on. If you didn't notice, I'm not too clear in the way I talk, so if any of this doesn't make sense, I don't blame you ;D ;D ;D. I'll update this tomorrow (I hope) and tell you guys more tomorrow.

And please, just reply with any advice you have got for me. As I mentioned before, give me some touch love (sorry if that sounds cheesy), even though you think it might hurt my feelings. I intend to use this thread to grow as a person, and I hope you all will help me do exactly that :).

And finally, to end a really long post, I would like to apologise if any of this sounds irrelevant or cringe. Really really sorry about that. Whatever it is, I congratulate all of you who have read through this, and I wish you best of luck for the upcoming year.

BTW it's already the end of week three of school!!! Time is moving by so fast!!!

Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: Bri MT on February 15, 2019, 10:27:45 am
Hey!

Thanks for starting up a journal - it's been a good read so far :)
Hearing about your career aspirations was nice - it's always great to see people finding motivation in helping others.  I would say though,  that medicine is one way to be altruistic and help people but definitely not the only one!  Consider your options and try not to feel 'trapped in' :)
My course is all about using science to make an impact & before interviews I like to remind applicants that if you're driven to make an impact you will - even without the backing of a particular course. 

Sounds like the social environment at uni might be a good place for you though,  with the diversity of people brought together by shared interest/drive.

It's kind of hard for me to hurt your feelings by giving you critical feedback because from reading (including spoilers) I didn't see anything that should be critiqued.

Best of luck to you too!
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: Joseph41 on February 15, 2019, 10:32:10 am
I'm really glad you've started this. :) Looking forward to reading today's update as promised. ;)
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on February 15, 2019, 04:49:39 pm
Hey all,

Just want to say a big thanks to those who have read the post. I would especially like to thank miniturtle and Angelwings for the great advice they've given. You guys rock!!!

Today was some day. Till the afternoon, I was really frustrated with a concept in physics. We had just finished the chapter, and while reviewing it, I couldn't fully understand it, which is incredibly frustrating. I hope to use tonight to try and fully understand the concept. In case you want to know, it was electromagnetism and the first chapter (a HSC question was stuffing me up, so I really became frustrated). This went on until maths, where we were doing parametrics. It took a while to grasp, but I finally got it, and my god it was such a good feeling.

In the afternoon I had a double study period, but I didn't really feel like doing much. I was listening to a classmate who was talking with my friend about his personal belief and trying to convince him that he should as well. I listened to him at first, but then argued strongly for the whole time, and it got pretty deep. I won't mention it here, but it was pretty weird at the end, where everything became kind of awkward. It did feel good though, because I had been thinking of this topic for a very long time, and it was necessary that we argue it out.
After school, though, we both came together and, while we did not apologise, we both hoped we didn't offend each other. That was pretty good as well.

I didn't really say much about myself in yesterday's post. I'm from Kerala, India and as you can guess, I am an introvert. I also love watching and making films as well. Before deciding to become a doctor, I had wanted to become a filmmaker really badly. But I soon realised that it was more of a hobby than a passion. I will try to make films after year 12, and my dream is to at least make 10 feature films during my lifetime. Watching films is a lot of fun, but I tend to analyse it too much and not 'experience' it. So that is a habit I need to stop. My favourite filmmakers are below:
Spoiler
(1) Alphonso Cuaron
(2) Alejandro Inarittu
(3) Stanely Kubrick
(4) Anurag Kashyap
and some more... ;D ;D ;D

I also like to watch a lot of TV shows, particularly the really deep ones. Here are some below:
Spoiler
(1) Rick and Morty (love this so much)
(2) Bojack Horseman
(3) Big Mouth
and then some ;D ;D ;D

So yeah, I better get to some studying. This weekend, I hope to finish reviewing module 5 for chemistry, master the concept in physics, write three practice essays for English and finish parametrics for 3 unit. I accelerated the 2U maths course last year and got 82. My assessment marks were really good, but I gave up two weeks before the actual HSC, which was terrible of me. It's an alright mark, and just finishing the course gave me a lot of confidence in maths, as I always thought I was going to drop it.

As always, thank you all for reading this, and I hope you have a great weekend ahead of you.

Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: smamsmo22 on February 16, 2019, 12:34:55 am
Hey,

I've enjoyed reading your journal so far and it's clear to see you're aiming high (and getting some great results!).
I'm very introverted too, and it's ok to be that way (: I know it's not revolutionary but if I could give you any advice in regards to dealing with your small cohort, I'd just say to make the most of the situation. There are obviously some downsides, but small cohorts can become really tight-knit which can be a great source of support for the year. The other students may not share a lot of beliefs with you but they are going through the same VCE journey and will understand your struggles better than anyone else :) And, as insanipi mentioned, it's likely you'll have a much larger cohort at uni and plenty of opportunities to meet with a massive variety of people with various personalities/beliefs/backgrounds. It's not far away now (:
I'm glad you had that discussion with the other student; talking to people with differing opinions and experiences is a great way to learn. It's good to hear you're engaging more with your classmates like you wanted to!!

Hopefully that advice (??) is somewhat helpful; I'm excited to hear more about your achievements and experiences! Good luck :D
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on February 18, 2019, 09:42:19 pm
Hey smamsmo22 (love that name : ;D),
Thanks very much for the advice. It was certainly very helpful. I'll try to keep close to my cohort, but I'm not sure now. I don't really relate to any of them but I'll certainly try. I just can't wait for university, and I really hope to meet new people and meet friends with my kind of thinking and hobbies. Thanks again for the advice  :D :D :D.

In terms of the weekend, I didn't do as much work as I wanted to. However, I did spend some time with my family, which was great. The procrastination problem is really bugging me though. I spent most of the weekend trying to figure out how to study for different subjects, but was wasted. I nailed it down to what I will have to do in the HSC exam for those subjects. So for chemistry, I am just going to try and answer as many questions as I can, so as to apply my knowledge.

I really have a problem with procrastination. Maybe I'm being sort of hard on myself, but I don't think it is so. Today morning I woke up at 5:30ish and did some chemistry questions, which was great. But the evening when I got back from school, I only did some stuff, and had to go out with family again. When I got back from dinner, I couldn't really bring myself to study. I've read the procrastination guide by Joseph41, and I did feel motivated at the time, but it quickly wore out. I think I am going back to my days at yr11, where I wasted most of my days and got an average mark. I'm really worried, and I hope you guys can provide some advice to cope with this. I don't want to waste these days anymore, and I feel like if I continue I'll go down really bad.

Other than that, school is alright in general. The guy who I talked about in my last post is kind of bugging me with his beliefs, and is constantly trying to 'convert' me to his belief, if you get what I mean. I've known him for the past few years, so I know he is wanting the best for me, but sometimes it is really annoying. It was times like this when I wish the world and life was just so much simpler. I was bugged out about my beliefs as well, and in the middle of my work I went and researched the topic we were arguing about. It's a very touchy one, so I won't mention it here.

Other than that, school was alright. I'm really enjoying physics right now, and I'm understanding everything. It's so interesting, electromagnetism. I feel like it's the only subject where I get truly in "the zone" and stop worrying about people. I've had ideas of pursuing a physics degree then doing medicine postgrad in the holidays, so that's an idea. However, that's far away so I guess we'll see what happens.

So yeah, that's my week so far. I desperately need help with my procrastination problem, so please any advice will be greatly appreciated. Thanks for reading!!!

Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on February 22, 2019, 05:59:31 pm
Hey all,

hope everyone had a great week. Like I mentioned earlier, I still have the procrastination problem. However, I've been reading some articles and am going to try out a new tactic.

At the start of everyday, I am going to write down a plan for the whole day. As the day goes on, I will constantly be adjusting the times if something comes up. This way, I know what I need to do for the rest of the day and will constantly keep me on my toes. So I am going to try it today, and see if it works. Here is the plan for today:

6-7: Resting a bit, maybe taking a nap.
7-8: Complete one section of my chemistry research task
8-8.30: Eat dinner (my family eats really late)
8.30-9.30: Complete and send my teacher my physics assignment
9.30-10.10: Complete an english essay under 40 mins ( an essay now takes me about 1 hr, so I am trying to cut down)
10.20-11.00: Complete some english hwk.

I plan to update you guys tomorrow, and write down the timetable. I'll also tell you what is happening so far on sunday, or earlier if possible

Thanks for reading, and please leave some advice for procrastination ;D ;D
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: Bri MT on February 22, 2019, 08:43:57 pm
Hey,  I wrote a post about staying productive (link in sig) which contains some of my thoughts on procrastination - hopefully it's useful :) 

Looking at your planned schedule it's a bit full on - try to make sure you're getting enough sleep and taking care of your mental and physical health.

I'm not sure what you want for med but I got a 98 ATAR and certainly didn't do that much studying on a normal weekday. Just something to think about.
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on February 24, 2019, 09:44:02 pm
Hey Miniturtle,

Read your productivity post, and it definitely motivated me. Yeah I know, my schedule is a bit full on, but I just don't want to regret not studying much, as that was one of my major regrets last year. However, I will try to balance it out, and I think I did kind of burn myself out this weekend.

So this week was pretty uneventful. As I mentioned in my last few posts, I procrastinated a lot. This weekend, I procrastinated a lot as well. Yesterday, I went to the PLC science summit with my science extension class. It was pretty alright. In my first workshop, I got paired up with my teacher and, forgetting my laptop, used his laptop to code and make cool faces on a tamagotchi. It was pretty fun. After that, the 2nd workshop looked at how animals distributed themselves between food sources. It is kind of hard to explain, but essentially I got to play around with fruit fly larvae, and place them in an agar plate and observe which food source they go to. It was cool as well. Overall, the summit was pretty alright, and we got some free food as well ;D ;D ;D.

After that, I came home, took a walk with my family, played with my dog and little sister, then came home and slept for two hours. I woke up and tried to do some work, but I failed miserably.

Today, I hoped to get a lot of work done. Didn't really. I had maths and english tuition today, which could have gone better. I did some work on my chemistry assessment (which is due this friday) and worked on a bit of physics. I have a school test tomorrow for the first two topics of electromagnetism. I spent some time trying to understand a concept, and that shouldn't have taken that long. I again went out and played with my dog and sister in the park, which was a lot of fun. I came back, ate some dinner, scrolled through reddit (gotta love that dank meme subreddit) and took a shower. I tried to do questions for the test tomorrow, and after 30 minutes couldn't really bring myself to do it. For the past few days, I have tried to push myself, and that certainly worked. Like yesterday night, I wrote a full essay (even though it took 1 hr instead of 40) and I was pretty happy with that. But today I can't bring myself to keep pushing one. I guess I have to just sit down and keep doing the questions. However, I feel as if there is a easier way to bring myself to do it.  I do enjoy physics, and I have done questions for a long time, but right now I feel tired and am not enjoying it.

Maybe I am pushing myself a bit too much, but the way I see it, I am behind. I hope to achieve the following this week:

(1) Finish 1-3 essays for english
(2) Complete practice and get really good at 3U parametrics
(3) Finish chemistry assessment task before wednesday.
(4) Finish physics revision by doing tonnes of questions.
(5) Update my scientific journal for science extension.

There are tonnes more, but that's it for now. I am going to try and push myself the following week, and see how much I could get done. I'll update throughout the week if anything cool or special pops up.
That's all for now. Thanks for reading!!!
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: Bri MT on February 25, 2019, 09:33:24 am
Hey r1ckworthy,

Glad to hear you found to useful :)  Fair enough - as long as you're willing to adjust aspects if needed to make it sustainable there's nothing wrong with having ambitious goals. I'd definitely say that you're pushing yourself to do a lot of work, and that even though you feel behind I doubt many others would see it that way.

I'm glad you had such a positive experience with the science summit and going outside :)

good luck for your tests!
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on March 02, 2019, 09:08:04 pm
Thanks miniturtle again. I know, I think I should wind back a little and even if I did plan to do it, I would usually not do it ::) ::) ::), as seen below.

This week was pretty depressing, straight up. Got all the assessments dumped on me, almost all of them due two weeks from now. I have a chemistry assessment I need to work on that's due this friday, so I've definitely worked on that this weekend. Anyways, it was pretty good but otherwise frustrating that I can't get enough work done. I seem to do the bare minimum, then do what I feel like. I've discovered, like the previous post, that I really need a plan on how to do things. Like for today, I procrastinated on my chemistry assessment until I wrote a plan on what to do. After that, I felt the motivation to work and I plan to do so after this post.

I'm gonna be honest. The planning I talked about in my last post I totally neglected this whole week. I don't even know why, I just did. I plan to get back on track though. The procrastination drug has hit hard yet again, but I think if I push through the first 10-15 minutes, than I can work effectively. So I am going to remind myself to push through. So the goal of this week is to push through and just try the activity I'm procrastinating on immediatly for atleast 10-15 minutes. If I still feel like shit, I'm going to take a walk around or just chill for a couple of minutes. I've also realised how lucky I am to have great parents as well. I've told this problem to my dad, and he said I just need to change my attitude and stop feeling like study is like work. I enjoy studying, but sometimes I just get so sick and tired of it, my attitude gets completely stuffed up. So another goal for this week is to just take a deep breath whenever I've procrastinating, and then try to change my thinking and push through. I think if I achieve these goals, I will feel much happier.

Other than that, school was alright. All of my classes are okay except maths x1. I'm alright with the content, but the class itself is so depressing, and most of my friends are in 2U, so it does get a bit lonely. I like maths a lot, but the class is kind of boring and my other classmates are bunched up together in their own friend circle, so it is just me at the side. However, I have to mention, this is the only class that I feel depressed, and most of my other classes I enjoy a lot with friends. My study periods weren't productive at all, but I did get to discuss a lot of topics with one of my teachers, particularly AI and how it works, microsoft hololens, that kind of stuff. It is a lot of fun, and he is extremely smart at what he does. That was one of the highlights this week, and I hope to have more discussions with him in the future.

Anyways, that's all for this week, I'll probably update during the week or next weekend. Thanks for reading!! ;D ;D ;D

Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: PhoenixxFire on March 05, 2019, 09:23:47 pm
The procrastination drug has hit hard yet again, but I think if I push through the first 10-15 minutes, than I can work effectively. So I am going to remind myself to push through. So the goal of this week is to push through and just try the activity I'm procrastinating on immediately for at least 10-15 minutes. If I still feel like shit, I'm going to take a walk around or just chill for a couple of minutes.
Love this strategy!

I find that starting something when I'm in the habit of procrastinating is super hard. I definitely think it's becomes easier to keep going once you've focused and started it . Good luck!
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on April 11, 2019, 05:23:04 pm
Hey all,

Haven't posted in a very long time (almost a month!), so I hope to start posting frequently now.

Well, first of all, term 1 has been a huge lesson by itself. Firstly, I got some fairly good assessment marks by the end of this term:
Maths 2U: 19.2/20
Chemistry (20%): 19.5/20
Advanced English: 26.7/30
Maths 3U: Don't know, but pretty sure I barely passed.


I am happy with my 2U maths and chemistry marks, but it was english and maths that really disappointed me. Especially, English advanced, which I worked really hard on. It's kind of a huge disappointment, but also kind of a lesson. I think from now on I am going to write stories that I particularly enjoy. Last year, I wrote a narrative three days before the due date, and I got in the nineties. I just wrote with inspiration and thought for myself, like, what I would like in a story. This one, I've worked on from December onto February, not really feeling anything. I edited it vigorously; you might have seen in the HSC marking and feedback (for which I'm so thankful for), and took the advice of nearly everyone. I think what I should do first is to write something which I enjoy and to write without thinking about what others would think about it. That's one lesson, and I was disappointedly for the afternoon today, especially after hearing three people got 99%. But I guess I just need to work harder, and I am kind of thankful. Even the maths extension 1 test was pretty bad. The questions were doable, but there was not really any time; I think I rushed it and made some silly mistakes/ calculation errors. I am also kind of disappointed by that.

It does suck to have those kind of marks, especially since my ambition is so high, but I guess I need to keep working consistently everyday. The biggest lesson I've learnt is to not procrastinate on an assessment. This term, I procrastinated / didn't really do anything for one of my assessments, which lead to me working my ass off for three whole nights. This lead me to not doing enough work for my next assessment, because of the amount of time I gave to the one I procrastinated on, leading me to work my ass off again. I don't think I did particularly well for the two assessments this term because it was so crammed, but yeah. I did about two all-nighters this term, with a tonne of coffee. I hope it doesn't come to this next term.

But I'm kind of glad I went through the experience. I remember, it was 3:00 at night and I haven't even started my ancient history presentation which was right in the afternoon. I stayed positive and pushed through the whole night, and gave a good presentation.

That's it for this term. In my opinion, it was one of the most stressful times in my school life, but I guess it was worth it? Yeah, I don't think I'll be able to really see it's effect until later on.

This holidays, my plan is to do as many questions as possible. Unlike other schools, my exams are in the 3rd week of term 2, so I need to start studying for it. Here is what I hope to do for each of my subjects:
Spoiler
Advanced English: Write a shit tonne of essays for module A, make some study notes as well, watch Looking for Richard again.
Maths 2U: HSC papers. I've already done the course last year (was accelerated), but I hope to practice past papers a lot.
Maths 3U: Past papers as well. In the first week, I am going to revise everything I've learned so far, and then proceed in the 2nd week to doing past papers.
Physics: Make some study notes in content heavy areas in the first half of the week, do a tonne of questions (Hopefully will do Blasonduo's paper in the 2nd week), also do substantial work on my assessment task as well.
Chemistry: Make summaries as well, and do a shit tonne of questions.
Ancient History: just write essay plans in the first week, and then proceed to just writing essays soon after.
Science Extension: Analyse the sample paper, do my research proposal (which I am presenting on the first day of school), revise some concepts, and update my logbook.

Wow, it's such a long post!! But that is what happens when you don't post for days. I hope to post more soon about my progress. Thanks for reading! ;D
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on April 30, 2019, 09:14:38 pm
Hey all, hope everyone is going alright!!!

First off, I think I need to make a system for posting on ATARnotes regularly. Reviewing what I have written in this journal so far, I feel as I have written some good advice, to be honest, and I think I need to keep reminding myself of these things so I can stay on track. The past few days, I have been panicking so much, and I feel the stress getting to me. So, after each entry, I am going to write myself advice, tips and messages, just to keep myself going. I feel like by writing this, it will not only provide benefit to me but to everyone else reading this journal as well.

We started this term with some marks!! Here it is:
Physics: 100%
Maths X1: 71%


Relatively happy with the physics mark, I feel the teacher marked too easily but still am happy. I am relieved with my maths X1 mark, I thought I would get 40%, so this is kind of good? I am relieved, nonetheless, and want to persevere and try and get a solid mark in my half-yearlies.

I had my research proposal today for science extension, definitely did not go great. I think I will at-least get a 70, and since there are only two people in my class (friendly reminder: my cohort is just 21 people!) I am not worried at all about rankings. I just need to do the best I can in exams and future assessment tasks.

That's about it. I feel like just wanting to unleash myself, so be warned for a whole bunch of text in the spoiler.
some heavy feelings this week...
Man. I am wasting time. Every-time I sit down and something does not go to plan, I immediately panic and do nothing. I think my anxiety is getting the better of me, and I clearly need to do something in order to destress. Like in the evening, I wanted to write an English essay, but I didn't know what to write, so I tried to make some notes, which did not work. I had no idea what to do, and I wasted one hour. I know I shouldn't be hard on myself, but considering how busy I am going to be this term, I am panicking that I am not getting enough done. Alarm bells are still ringing inside, and I am a bit anxious about how the term will go. If y'all don't mind, could you list some ways to calm this anxiety of mine? I feel very panicky when I shouldn't, and so I just don't do anything/ waste time.
Man, every-time I sit down at my desk, I just start to worry and worry and worry, and I am not doing anything to clear it away. I think the problem is I feel overwhelmed with the work, so I just need to split everything up into smaller tasks and just keep grinding. I guess I just need to calm myself, although I am not exactly sure how :( :( :(

So yeah, that was today. I hope to be posting frequently, so expect some more posts!!!
Advice of the day
When you are 80 years old, you won't remember these panic attacks, these moments of worrying so much. Instead, you will experience memories of experiencing absolute joy in understanding something, pure joy in just seeing what the author intended for you in their book, joy in persevering through that essay. All these subjects, advanced English, ancient history... is something you will probably never experience again, and so you should lift yourself backup, remind yourself of this, and keep moving on. Take a moment to enjoy these subjects, this is the last year you'll probably do them ;D

PS: Thank you for the MOTM!!! Made my night, and encouraged me to keep posting on the forums!!!
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: Pearlmilktea on April 30, 2019, 10:15:42 pm

Physics: 100%
Maths X1: 71%


Relatively happy with the physics mark, I feel the teacher marked too easily but still am happy. I am relieved with my maths X1 mark, I thought I would get 40%, so this is kind of good? I am relieved, nonetheless, and want to persevere and try and get a solid mark in my half-yearlies.

Wow that's amazing! Seriously don't discount yourself, I'm sure you totally deserved that 100% - good job for crushing the exam!
Also congrats on maths X1! Legit have so much admiration for you judging numbers and random triangles stress me out haha. I still have fond memories of my teacher saying my circles looked more like ovals and taking off marks (even though I needed every mark I could get) XD.

I really felt your heavy thoughts section. Since I'm also in Year 12 doing the HSC, I totally relate to having stress come over me sometimes and having this exacerbated by the subsequent lack of work due to stress (funfun). Technically I actually should be doing a bio depth study now haha exhibit A of my lack of productivity and super procrastination skills (thankyouthankyou i try  :) ).

I find that it's good to write to do lists. Sometimes I use Microsoft To Do so I can add and remove tasks easily. Feeling stressed? Maybe do an essay plan, another subject or take some time out today to reframe your mind. Feeling like you can slay the syllabus? Essay if you want or difficult homework but still pace yourself. Talk to your teachers! I legit love hitting up my teachers to destress and reframe my mind.

Sorry for keeping it brief (well for me as I write wayyyy to much alllll the time XD) because I have bio to do. Feeling inspired to set up a year 12 journal now because of you. Thanks mate - you rock!

Good luck with this week and I'll be back soon!
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on May 04, 2019, 11:56:34 am
Wow that's amazing! Seriously don't discount yourself, I'm sure you totally deserved that 100% - good job for crushing the exam!
Also congrats on maths X1! Legit have so much admiration for you judging numbers and random triangles stress me out haha. I still have fond memories of my teacher saying my circles looked more like ovals and taking off marks (even though I needed every mark I could get) XD.

Yeah, I guess so for the physics. It was a good encouragement to keep going!!!  Hahaha, wow, I get what you mean about getting every mark possible. But taking marks off for a seemingly oval seems a bit too much ;D ;D ;D.

I really felt your heavy thoughts section. Since I'm also in Year 12 doing the HSC, I totally relate to having stress come over me sometimes and having this exacerbated by the subsequent lack of work due to stress (funfun). Technically I actually should be doing a bio depth study now haha exhibit A of my lack of productivity and super procrastination skills (thankyouthankyou i try  :) )
I find that it's good to write to do lists. Sometimes I use Microsoft To Do so I can add and remove tasks easily. Feeling stressed? Maybe do an essay plan, another subject or take some time out today to reframe your mind. Feeling like you can slay the syllabus? Essay if you want or difficult homework but still pace yourself. Talk to your teachers! I legit love hitting up my teachers to destress and reframe my mind.

I've recently started to use Joseph 41's method of organisation. At first I did waaaay too much, but then started to just have to-do's for 3-4 subjects a day. Yeah I do talk to teachers at times, but still, year 12 is way too stressful!!! I guess I should try to approach it differently rather than stress, because it might not actually be at all!!! It is what we make of it.

Sorry for keeping it brief (well for me as I write wayyyy to much alllll the time XD) because I have bio to do. Feeling inspired to set up a year 12 journal now because of you. Thanks mate - you rock!

Good luck with this week and I'll be back soon!

You should definitely start your own journal!!! That would be pretty sick!! I started this journal just to track where I am going, but it sort of became a place where I just re-organise my attitude and all that inside stuff. Pretty solid if you try!

Nah, don't worry about keeping it brief, that advice was pretty sick!!!

Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: mango8 on May 12, 2019, 02:54:27 pm
Reviewing what I have written in this journal so far, I feel as I have written some good advice, to be honest, and I think I need to keep reminding myself of these things so I can stay on track. The past few days, I have been panicking so much, and I feel the stress getting to me. So, after each entry, I am going to write myself advice, tips and messages, just to keep myself going. I feel like by writing this, it will not only provide benefit to me but to everyone else reading this journal as well.


Hey! I just read through your journal, and enjoyed it thoroughly! I guess it was because I saw a lot of myself in you, and resonated with a lot of your thoughts and feelings, and finding someone like that makes reading all the more fascinating since I identify with a lot. I definitely agree reminding ourselves of things is key, we tend to forget a lot of the helpful advice and motivation and writing to yourself will only only benefit you but others so props to you, especially for your marks thus far, they are amazing!! I loved that piece of advice too! Lol my journal itself is titled: 'ephemerality' since vce is going to be over so soon, and what feels like the centre of everything now, is not going to matter.

I find your advice so wise and inspirational. As Pearlmilktea said, your heavy thoughts section was incredibly relatable. When you get so worked up and panicked, there really is no way to calm yourself.  And I'd agree, while writing stuff down sounds so generic and simple, it works, because you transfer all the mess into something that resembles coherence and you can take it step by step rather than being overwhelmed by too much.

I started this journal just to track where I am going, but it sort of became a place where I just re-organise my attitude and all that inside stuff.

Can totally resonate!

You'll achieve wonderful things, I can already tell! You are really inspiring! Can't wait for more, really.
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on May 28, 2019, 10:05:33 pm
Hey everybodyyy, hope you all are going swell ;D

Haven't updated in a long time. Finished my half-yearlies. Not sure if I mentioned this, but unlike other schools my school has half-yearlies around the start of term 2 instead of being at the end of term 1. This period was a huge learning experience. Like, man, there are no words to express how much I've learned about what effective study is. I've posted it in this thread, so check it out.

I have also got some exam marks back:

Chemistry: 57.5/67- 85.5%
I expect this to be even lower, as my teacher discounted the organic chemistry section as everyone did pretty bad. This exam hurt so much. The teacher gave us so much guidance on what the questions were going to be. What she did was give us the basics to make us pass, but left out details that would otherwise separate a band 5 student from a band 6 student. Can't say I agree with this practice, but she did say that she will not be this kind during the trials. I think what my brain did was assume that the teacher told the question word for word, so me in my great wisdom sped through everything and basically regurgitated everything I had memorised the day before. This resulted in me losing a lot of, if not all, 0.5-1 marks in every question.

This really hurt. I came out of the exam room feeling pretty good, and was expecting a mark higher than 95%. The day before she revealed our marks, she told us that we didn't do quite so well in organic chemistry section. I was pretty disappointed. I went home and was about to take a shower but just laid in bed staring up at the ceiling. I went to sleep for some time, but yeah. When I found out about this mark, yes, I was pretty devastated. But looking at the positives, this was a huge wake-up call just to study consistent everyday. Hope I'll get better next time.

Ancient History- 48/50- 96%
Damn. This one, however, I was really proud of. This was the one exam that caused me so much stress. I remember feeling so empty while I was studying for the exam, thinking of how much content I had yet to memorise. Luckily, I picked up the hints the teacher gave us during the revision session and focused on building up my knowledge of those areas. This worked out great, and I was fully in the zone. I was surprised that it was not as difficult as I thought it was. This was also a huge wake-up call, as I now I know that I should work everyday.

This exam period was rocky, but full of lessons to learn. I expected a shit storm at the beginning of this week due to receiving marks back, but after ancient history I am a bit more happy. I don't expect to do so well for my other subjects, but I have glad I had this experience.


Due to wanting to be consistent, this is my daily routine. It is in the spoiler:
Daily Routine
Weekdays
1st hour: HWK
2nd hour: Review for any subject I had for the majority of the day.
Dinner
3rd hour: A specified subject.
4th Hour: UCAT practice
I really need to start my UCAT preparation, since I haven't done it at all. I'm using medify at the moment, and it's working out great. So far, I haven't done any questions, but have taken extensive notes from their videos about advice.

Saturday
Tuition review and major assessments. Not really any self-study, just need to get shit done.

Sunday
Past papers, exams, tests, that kind of stuff.
I am going to do a past paper under time for both 2U maths and 3U maths. I have started this last weekend, but gave up around halfway. I hope by doing more and more papers I will develop the perseverance and grit to continue and finish the time.
For English and Ancient History, I am just going to practice writing essays/ responses under time.
For science subjects, I think I will use the ATARNotes topic tests. I've been holding back on these tests, as I have plenty of resources, but seeing from how they provide you with questions that will build your foundation, I think I will get this. I will, of course, do these under time.

Obviously, I will try to follow this as much as I can but if sometimes come short. For example, today I came back from school at 5:45, and tried to study but felt too tired. Had a bit of a nap, studied a bit but definitely not as productive as the past few days. I think I will allow this kind of thing to happen, although I will never try to repeat it consecutively, otherwise it would become a bad habit.

Except for the weekend, it should be pretty chill. I now have specific strategies for all my subjects, except Ancient history. I am trying to figure out how to maximise long term memory retention, but I think just doing practice questions will do the trick, as well as summaries and so on. Any tips for this???

Super long post, I know, but it was good to get everything out of the system. Hope I'll keep posting more!

Daily reflection
Over the weekend, I have been reflecting on marks and the ATAR in general. This was prompted from watching the Netflix show street-food (great show, highly recommend), in particular the Singapore segment. In it, they had a scene dedicated to this old man known as Master Tang, a noodle making extraordinaire. They describe how he was a "kitchen slave" for most of his life, and then he himself reflects on how he loves his work. There was this one wide shot of him, just making noodles on the side and focussing on his work. I don't know why, but that shot in particular motivated me so much. It showed me how life is not this mix and match of ups and downs. It is instead a straight calm line, with a bit of ups and downs. That shot just showed me how we often make out life to be bigger than it is, but in fact it is not really that bad or good as we expected, if that makes sense. With that, I have recently had a lot of anxiety over my marks and ATAR. After watching that show and that one segment in particular over and over again, I quickly realised that the ATAR is not life defining. If I just put in a lot of effort and get a mediocre ATAR, I realised by that one wide shot that I will be fine. No matter what happens, I will be fine. The ATAR I will get will (hopefully) be a reflection of my effort, and if not, then it is certainly not the end of the world.

Here's a little story. Back when I was in India, I was not really a good student. I received mediocre marks until year 5 hit and I received three D's. A 'D' for English, maths and science. Obviously I hadn't put it in the effort, and I vaguely remember feeling so shit when I had to tell my marks to my parents. When I came to Australia in year 6, obviously my marks weren't amazing. They kept improving, bit by bit each year. While some were amazing, others were a disappointment. Whatever it was, I am still here, being the same, if not a bit improved, person that I was five years ago. Whatever happens, after remembering that wide shot of the man just calmly making his noodles with such concentration reminds me that I will be fine, and I will find that one job where I will be like that man. I don't know, just something to think about!
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: Pearlmilktea on May 29, 2019, 03:14:40 pm
Whatever happens, after remembering that wide shot of the man just calmly making his noodles with such concentration reminds me that I will be fine, and I will find that one job where I will be like that man. I don't know, just something to think about!

Man I love your journey journal! It really pushes me to keep going and find the motivation to do my work!
I totally relate to finding inspiration from pop culture and TV shows. I think finding someone with a lot of passion and drive for their work helps me to keep going.

Congrats on your results too! You seem like you've absolutely smashed your exams ! Hard word pays off and studying smart definitely shows :D

Have a great week!
-Gracie
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on May 30, 2019, 07:58:37 am
Man I love your journey journal! It really pushes me to keep going and find the motivation to do my work!
I totally relate to finding inspiration from pop culture and TV shows. I think finding someone with a lot of passion and drive for their work helps me to keep going.

Thanks for the kind remarks! Yeah, pop culture and TV shows can sometimes be super motivating. What shows have motivated you the most?

Congrats on your results too! You seem like you've absolutely smashed your exams ! Hard word pays off and studying smart definitely shows :D

Have a great week!
-Gracie

Thanks! I mean, the teachers gave us big revision hints, so that might be part of the reason why I did so well. Mostly, it was just a huge lesson in that I found I needed to balance out work between assessment tasks and study. But you're right, hard work AND studying smart can lead to amazing results ;D ;D ;D

You too have a great week!!
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on June 07, 2019, 12:39:24 am
Just need to get something out of my system. It's a big one.
Spoiler
Today was such a mixed bag of emotions. We went out as a class the whole day for an excursion, mainly for history. We went to a museum in the University of Sydney, and there I encountered a wall filled with tombstones from the Roman era. On the floor was a funerary urn, with's it's inscription stating how the son made this for his mother's ashes. Didn't take much more of it, until a good friend told me," hey, isn't it weird that our tombstones will end up like that on the wall?"

Fuck man I was lost at words. I stared at this funerary urn for like 30 minutes or something. The ashes of mother, whom used to be a human being fully living in the world like me, experiencing emotions, being themself, experiencing the world. Now turned to ash. To powder that slips past the fingers into a small little box, eventually to wisp away and end up in a museaum in Australia to be glimpsed temporarily by passerbys, to be remain there alone.

I haven't had too many existential crisis these past three weeks, probably none from the start of this term since I was focussed on schoolwork. It just all came tumbling down today. I was silent, I just knew myself to be awkwardly silent at that moment.
Things kind of got better. My class attended the 'last night of the proms' which was great. Then we walked through the 'vivid' festival, in the Botanic gardens.i walked with a couple of friends, but then I got separated and decided to walk alone.
I don't know, things got kind of intense. I started to think about the future, and all these negative consequences. Getting a bad ATAR, imagining the look on their faces. Fuck, like I don't know, I just kept moving into a negative spiral.
I just starting thinking about my life, and I was just disappointed. I was just feeling very very isolated, lonely kind of. Fuck. Like I just... I don't know.

Thing is, I already have a great home, good enough friends, food and shelter. A bed. I have everything I need, and yet I still feel like I'm missing something. Or someone, I don't know. This bugging feeling inside that something is not right.

I think it is loneliness to be honest. I don't know, but every single fucking time I hear my friends having a good time or just talking, I put myself in such a spiral,FOMO takes over. I guess there is this internal fear that I am perhaps alone in this journey. Every time I envision the future, I keep uttering the word loneliness. I do think know if it is a figment I have created, but it's so painful. To see other people, especially your friends, enjoy themselves without you. It's a very selfish thing, I know, but it still creates some kind of pain.

And when I do go hang out with them, I end up not having much fun and sitting by the corner. I keep telling myself that I am missing out on an opportunity that might make me happy, but I always end up as a recluse, listening to music while they chat. I guess I am creating this kind of expectation, which my friends can't meet.

I feel kind of lonely. I notice myself more and more trying to fit in, immediately making choices that supposedly will bring me in closer with them. But there is an urging feeling sometimes, a feeling that stabs me or something lIke that.

I don't think I like the people in my class as well. I addressed this in my first few posts, but their attitude to certain situations in life is kind of scary. There is an overt belief subtly interwoven into my school's culture of masculinity. For instance, walking down to the opera house, I just told out loud that I (prepare for cringiness) that I was holding a special someones hand right now (UHHH SO CRINGE). My two friends started to refute this. I told them I'll just let it happen naturally, like not forcing myslef to get out there and meet new people. Like let the circumstances dictate what I will do next, and take the opportunity. Letting it happen naturally. They refuted this quite strongly, and here are the exact words one friend said,
"I'm going to be honest, it's a competition."

Fucking hell. There were much worse things said. It's this kind of degrading culture, so subtle in the atmosphere of my school, that I fucking hate so much. Fuck, every single day, they taint the many beautiful things of society, which apparently to them is fucking ridiculous. Fuck. There's not really anyone that I have a deep relationship ship with. I don't know, but it's so overwhelming that no one will kind of hear you out. I guess it's a bit selfish, but yeah.

Ending up alone, I think of how the future will tear apart. Ending up lonely, ending up with disappointed parents, a disappointing mark. Like it's hard.

Hopefully, it goes away sometime. I just needed to tell someone about this, because things get pretty dark sometimes when I'm down this spiral of thoughts.

Seeing everyone enjoying life. That kind of makes me happy but pains me, alway subconsciously asking myself the question 'why am I not as happy?". Its a pretty selfish thing to be honest, and I guess omething I need to get rid of. But the thing is I don't know. I've always been told to stop thinking of myself,  to stop being selfish, I guess that may be why I am always going down spirals. I don't know. I just don't know.

Hopefully ill get better tomorrow. Il post again and see how I am going.
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: Bri MT on June 07, 2019, 11:02:02 am
Just need to get something out of my system. It's a big one.
Spoiler
Today was such a mixed bag of emotions. We went out as a class the whole day for an excursion, mainly for history. We went to a museum in the University of Sydney, and there I encountered a wall filled with tombstones from the Roman era. On the floor was a funerary urn, with's it's inscription stating how the son made this for his mother's ashes. Didn't take much more of it, until a good friend told me," hey, isn't it weird that our tombstones will end up like that on the wall?"

Fuck man I was lost at words. I stared at this funerary urn for like 30 minutes or something. The ashes of mother, whom used to be a human being fully living in the world like me, experiencing emotions, being themself, experiencing the world. Now turned to ash. To powder that slips past the fingers into a small little box, eventually to wisp away and end up in a museaum in Australia to be glimpsed temporarily by passerbys, to be remain there alone.

I haven't had too many existential crisis these past three weeks, probably none from the start of this term since I was focussed on schoolwork. It just all came tumbling down today. I was silent, I just knew myself to be awkwardly silent at that moment.
Things kind of got better. My class attended the 'last night of the proms' which was great. Then we walked through the 'vivid' festival, in the Botanic gardens.i walked with a couple of friends, but then I got separated and decided to walk alone.
I don't know, things got kind of intense. I started to think about the future, and all these negative consequences. Getting a bad ATAR, imagining the look on their faces. Fuck, like I don't know, I just kept moving into a negative spiral.
I just starting thinking about my life, and I was just disappointed. I was just feeling very very isolated, lonely kind of. Fuck. Like I just... I don't know.

Thing is, I already have a great home, good enough friends, food and shelter. A bed. I have everything I need, and yet I still feel like I'm missing something. Or someone, I don't know. This bugging feeling inside that something is not right.

I think it is loneliness to be honest. I don't know, but every single fucking time I hear my friends having a good time or just talking, I put myself in such a spiral,FOMO takes over. I guess there is this internal fear that I am perhaps alone in this journey. Every time I envision the future, I keep uttering the word loneliness. I do think know if it is a figment I have created, but it's so painful. To see other people, especially your friends, enjoy themselves without you. It's a very selfish thing, I know, but it still creates some kind of pain.

And when I do go hang out with them, I end up not having much fun and sitting by the corner. I keep telling myself that I am missing out on an opportunity that might make me happy, but I always end up as a recluse, listening to music while they chat. I guess I am creating this kind of expectation, which my friends can't meet.

I feel kind of lonely. I notice myself more and more trying to fit in, immediately making choices that supposedly will bring me in closer with them. But there is an urging feeling sometimes, a feeling that stabs me or something lIke that.

I don't think I like the people in my class as well. I addressed this in my first few posts, but their attitude to certain situations in life is kind of scary. There is an overt belief subtly interwoven into my school's culture of masculinity. For instance, walking down to the opera house, I just told out loud that I (prepare for cringiness) that I was holding a special someones hand right now (UHHH SO CRINGE). My two friends started to refute this. I told them I'll just let it happen naturally, like not forcing myslef to get out there and meet new people. Like let the circumstances dictate what I will do next, and take the opportunity. Letting it happen naturally. They refuted this quite strongly, and here are the exact words one friend said,
"I'm going to be honest, it's a competition."

Fucking hell. There were much worse things said. It's this kind of degrading culture, so subtle in the atmosphere of my school, that I fucking hate so much. Fuck, every single day, they taint the many beautiful things of society, which apparently to them is fucking ridiculous. Fuck. There's not really anyone that I have a deep relationship ship with. I don't know, but it's so overwhelming that no one will kind of hear you out. I guess it's a bit selfish, but yeah.

Ending up alone, I think of how the future will tear apart. Ending up lonely, ending up with disappointed parents, a disappointing mark. Like it's hard.

Hopefully, it goes away sometime. I just needed to tell someone about this, because things get pretty dark sometimes when I'm down this spiral of thoughts.

Seeing everyone enjoying life. That kind of makes me happy but pains me, alway subconsciously asking myself the question 'why am I not as happy?". Its a pretty selfish thing to be honest, and I guess omething I need to get rid of. But the thing is I don't know. I've always been told to stop thinking of myself,  to stop being selfish, I guess that may be why I am always going down spirals. I don't know. I just don't know.

Hopefully ill get better tomorrow. Il post again and see how I am going.

re spoiler
You might have a different take on this, but are those ashes truly alone? So long after the person they are made up of has passed, there is still an impact being had on others. I don't know the entirety of anyone's life but that doesn't make them any less important or impactful.

Many people will tell you that the ATAR isn't that important in the scheme of things but in some sense to truly understand you have to be outside the highschool-bubble. That bubble is a weird place that can warp your perception of things and it can be a rough place to be in, but as the time passes and you've been out there long enough you'll get what we mean. Best of luck until then.


It's not selfish to want connection with others or to want to be understood. You're right that the responsibility isn't just on your friends to have you feel belonging but it's also not something you need to struggle through alone. If they're good friends you should be able to tell them how you feel - and even that alone can ease difficulty and loneliness.

It's not a pleasant feeling, but there's also nothing wrong with feeling loneliness sometimes. And certainly nothing wrong with you for that. If you do start to think that it's having a significant impact on your life and it doesn't seem to be going away I'd suggest you look into how you can improve and understand your mental wellbeing - including talking to a professional.

If you get an ATAR well below your potential that wouldn't make you a disappointment - mainly it means that you might take a slightly different road to your career and/or study goals. Yeah your parents might be disappointed and that's difficult to go through, but it doesn't mean that that feeling will persist or that you are a disappointment. There is so much more than your grades (especially your highschool grades) and even though it may be hard to understand now you and your parents won't define you by them.

I've had parts of my life where I thought I was a disappointment, not living up to my former potential etc. and even though it can feel all-consuming at the time it isn't. You get past it. I hope you don't go through that to the same extent as many of us in our age group do, but if you do, you won't be alone and it will pass if you give it enough time.

There's nothing wrong with not being happy or wanting to be happy. I prefer to chase fulfillment rather than happiness as I find it is more lasting, but there are a lot of societal messages around happiness being the most important thing which can make that difficult. You can have everything going right in your life and still not always feel happiness; that's not being broken, it's being human.


Easy advice to give and harder to enact, but if you can identify how your spirals start it can make it easier to avoid the plunge.

Best of luck
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on June 07, 2019, 09:39:01 pm
re spoiler
You might have a different take on this, but are those ashes truly alone? So long after the person they are made up of has passed, there is still an impact being had on others. I don't know the entirety of anyone's life but that doesn't make them any less important or impactful.

Many people will tell you that the ATAR isn't that important in the scheme of things but in some sense to truly understand you have to be outside the highschool-bubble. That bubble is a weird place that can warp your perception of things and it can be a rough place to be in, but as the time passes and you've been out there long enough you'll get what we mean. Best of luck until then.


It's not selfish to want connection with others or to want to be understood. You're right that the responsibility isn't just on your friends to have you feel belonging but it's also not something you need to struggle through alone. If they're good friends you should be able to tell them how you feel - and even that alone can ease difficulty and loneliness.

It's not a pleasant feeling, but there's also nothing wrong with feeling loneliness sometimes. And certainly nothing wrong with you for that. If you do start to think that it's having a significant impact on your life and it doesn't seem to be going away I'd suggest you look into how you can improve and understand your mental wellbeing - including talking to a professional.

If you get an ATAR well below your potential that wouldn't make you a disappointment - mainly it means that you might take a slightly different road to your career and/or study goals. Yeah your parents might be disappointed and that's difficult to go through, but it doesn't mean that that feeling will persist or that you are a disappointment. There is so much more than your grades (especially your highschool grades) and even though it may be hard to understand now you and your parents won't define you by them.

I've had parts of my life where I thought I was a disappointment, not living up to my former potential etc. and even though it can feel all-consuming at the time it isn't. You get past it. I hope you don't go through that to the same extent as many of us in our age group do, but if you do, you won't be alone and it will pass if you give it enough time.

There's nothing wrong with not being happy or wanting to be happy. I prefer to chase fulfillment rather than happiness as I find it is more lasting, but there are a lot of societal messages around happiness being the most important thing which can make that difficult. You can have everything going right in your life and still not always feel happiness; that's not being broken, it's being human.


Easy advice to give and harder to enact, but if you can identify how your spirals start it can make it easier to avoid the plunge.

Best of luck

Thanks Bri MT for the kind words. I especially like how being sometimes unhappy is not being broke but being human. That point really spoke to me.

I kind of relate to you on being a disappointment. The night where I had to show my report card to my parents was the worst. I remember in year 9, after receiving some bad grades, I walked back home from school. I looked to my house and I kind of broke down. I've always kind of felt like a disappointment, but you are absolutely right in saying that it will pass. It sucks to be in it, but it will surely pass. Like you said, it's to be human to experience these things.

Today was a little bit better. I submitted my chemistry assessment, had the school athletics carnival today. It was so boring. We just sat around having nothing to do. I think these spirals often begin when I am alone. When alone, sitting down, FOMO, anxiety, regret, all these negative emotions wash down on me. Which is kind of sad, to be honest, because I used to love being alone. I would often try and find the time to just sit down and watch the wind brush the tress, the sun setting down, the wind gently flowing through the branches, hearing the bustle of far away school children nearby. I used to love that, sitting by myself and just being in the moment. I remember one time, I just closed my eyes and I felt a kind of peace I had never experienced before, not thinking about anything and just experiencing the world, in the present moment.
Now my thoughts kind of take over me. I become more anxious, more scared of the future more than ever, which is kind of unfortunate. I might try some meditation to fix this, I'll let you know how it goes.

So yeah. I am feeling a little bit better than yesterday, which is an improvement.
 Did feel a bit lonely today as well. Also, a bit of a side note, ive made my school sound like shit. It really isn't. It's just their belief system that I have a problem with. The teachers are actually amazing, going out of their way to help us students. My friends can also be great supporters, although sometimes I feel left out.

The more and more I think about it, there really is a balance between everything in life. It is when one side gets tipped over that conflict starts to arise. Whatever it is, I hope to repair this balance and become a better version of myself.

I might stop at these kinds of reflections to be honest, they take quite a bit of time and ends with me feeling a little bit dreadful ???. I'll try to 'balance' ( :)) it out with daily stuff. However, if people are starting to like this a lot, I'll take the chance and do it, because I often feel more in tune with myself when writing this.

Finally, thank you if you have read this far. I'll make an update this weekend.

Peace,
r1ckworthy.

(PS kind of playing around with the idea of video blogs, stay tuned!)
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on June 16, 2019, 12:27:07 am
Hey peeps!!!

Context: My friends and I planned out something for the long weekend last monday, and I decided to vlog it. Be prepared for a mouthful of cringe, you gonna get it ;D ;D ;D.

A few things to keep wary:
-My first vlog, don't judge ;D
-My laugh be super weird sometimes, excuse me for that ;D
-I'm ending all my my points with this emoji  ;D cause I'm a sick lad
-ENJOY!!! I was initially hesitant to upload it, but my friends convinced me otherwise. Uploading it here so that I'll remember to watch it when I look back ;D


BTW. I know at the end I mentioned uploading it yesterday, premiere pro won't import some of my files until 11:00PM yesterday so yesssss.
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on June 19, 2019, 12:23:09 am
Hey y'all!

Hope you have enjoyed the vlog up above. I initially wanted to edit it on Friday evening, but premiere pro won't officially import all my files. After 2-3 hors, I realised that there were videos less than 1 second long. The footage was finally imported at 11:00 after deleting those files. I didn't want to feel as if the day was wasted, so isat around editing it until 1:00AM. It was totally worth it.
I had initially thought that I should not uploading to my journal. I thought it would be too cringe, and revealing my face to the wonderful users here would kind 'disturb' what they think of me as a person. As can be seen from the video, I am a really awkward and cringe person, who occasionally thinks quite deeply about the world. But I showed it to my friends (who are in the video) and they totally changed my mind. It took quite some time to upload (the final export was 1.9Gb!). Totally worth it, and I hope you have enjoyed it!

In terms of school, my marks haven't been that great. For X1 maths, I got 54.5/70 (78%) with my final mark being 41/50. It was top mark, and if I had committed those silly mistakes I would definitely have gotten high nineties! Any suggestions for this?
For English, my final mark was 83/100 which is pretty decent. However, I do have to say that the marking felt kind of dodgy. My opinion, but it was kind of dodgy. Regardless, I am not too happy with this mark, and I need to work harder in order to increase it to a band 6.

Now I have officially started timed practice for the UCAT! I've been practicing for quite some time, but all my sections are close or below the average. I think from now one, im doing to dedicate one section perday, and to keep doing questions until I get good at them. Like for instance what is the point of doing timed quantitative section if you cant even complete it? My plan is to become comfortable with the questions and get used to it, and then doing it over and over again to get used to them. Otherwise I see no point in continuing timed practice if I am not good at them. My school has this program where yr11/12 for to Canberra as a study camp sort of thing straight after holidays. My UCAT is 2 days after this, and I won't have access to medify,  which leaves me very worried. So I think I'll just do as many questions in each section as possible, and then only doing timed responses when I have become good at them.

I also have two assessment tasks next week! One for maths X1 (a practical investigation) and English (detective fiction story) which I have gotten started on. I need to get these done, so I hope I finish it in this weekend.

As well as that, I as well as another person were chosen to represent our school to go-to government house, which is pretty cool! I really don't understand why I was chosen, since there are so many people that are more involved with the school then I am, but yeah. I'm happy about that, and I'm going this Thursday!

I feel more and more stressed right now, probably because of those two assessment tasks. However, I need to calm myself down, and just work gradually everyday until I finish it.

Here's something I realised this week:
Spoiler
I have been getting really anxious over the past few days. Yesterday for instance I only completed 8-9 questions out of 30 for timed quantitative reasoning for UCAT practice!
This lead to some deep self hate such as:
"Your not smart, why do you bother trying?"
"Your an utter disappointment, just stop.Ē
ďYou will never improve.Ē
Very negative thoughts. I almost started to cry to be honest and jus breakdown, it just overwhelmed me fully at that moment.
ďStop trying."
"Your parents are doctors, look at you."

I woke up, and another surge of anxiety hit me once again. But this time I just stayed calm and just breathed deeply in and out.
I realised I need to go back to the days where I enjoyed being alone. So for the next few weeks, I am going to practice 10 minutes of meditation. I need to go back being calm and collected, having full confidence in my self despite under the pressure. I need to top his negative thinking to be honest. Sometimes, to be honest, I really hate myself. I suppose this is promoted by sokeof my classmates. Being called cringe,it's seems small, and I know its small, but man... I don't know, it just kind of fucking hurts. I can kind of imagine them now, reading this journal post (which they have done) and just calling it cringe and dismissing it.

They can be good friends by the way. They have provided some support and plenty of funny memories. But it is also them who have kind of caused me to be self conscious and deeply critical of myself and my potential. I feel like I have to act like someone else, this sort of fake cringe guy. I frankly don't know how to act around them.

It was today I realised I am in control ofmy life, and while I can't control who I am and my emotions, I can let it be as it is. I can be calm and just smile. Only a few more months, and I will have to endure this kind of thing.
But at the same time, I do think I will miss them. It so weird. I've come to the realisation that life really is all about balance. Sometimes you will have good days and bad days, but they are all equal. It is us who emphasise the days. We can choose to focus on the good days or bad days. And I think I, and others, choose to focus on the bad in order to feel better about ourselves. And that's alright. But I think a better way is to take a deep breath and just let it be. To focus on the now, to be fully immersed in the present, letting the rain fall and not trying to avoid it is the best way to experience life. Because the only way to see the sun is to live through the night.

I like that metaphor. I feel it's sums up the HSC experience, and everything in general. We must experience the night in order to see the sun rise.
And while we might seem like we are forever in the dark, the best thing to do is to keep wading into the unknown, and just fully immerse ourself in the present. Choosing to let go of anxiety, negativity... That's when I we experience happiness, or experience fulfillment.
But it can be hard to let go of anxiety, depression, all those shitty things. I think that's where meditation comes in. Practicing meditation, to be in silence without thinking, is to remind ourself that we will be fine.
To whomever is reading this, especially those in the midst of chaos, know that it will pass. Don't attempt to block the emotions. Take a deep breath. Cry your heart out. You will feel much better in the future. You will be fine, and you will be alright. Whatever comes your way, anxiety, death, whatever, just keep the knowledge that it will pass.
Know that it will pass.
Know that it will pass.
We must experience the night in order to feel the sunshine.
 

That's my week so far, will update on Friday. Have a great week  ;D ;D ;D.

Peace,
R1ckworthy.
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: rani_b on June 21, 2019, 07:38:11 pm
Hey!!

I'm sitting the UCAT too and it's really starting to stress me out as well. I really relate to you about feeling anxious/worried about the timing (I literally just did a practice and went worse then I have ever gone, so that wasn't too great).

But, i can tell that you are really dedicated and working towards set goals - it's hard to ignore that voice in your head, but it's good that you recognise that thoughts like that will only hold you back. So I'm sure you'll go great  ;D

Good luck!!

P.S. quantitative reasoning is so hard what even  :(
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: laura_ on June 22, 2019, 07:55:42 am
Choosing to let go of anxiety, negativity... That's when I we experience happiness, or experience fulfillment.
But it can be hard to let go of anxiety, depression, all those shitty things. I think that's where meditation comes in. Practicing meditation, to be in silence without thinking, is to remind ourself that we will be fine.
To whomever is reading this, especially those in the midst of chaos, know that it will pass. Don't attempt to block the emotions. Take a deep breath. Cry your heart out. You will feel much better in the future. You will be fine, and you will be alright. Whatever comes your way, anxiety, death, whatever, just keep the knowledge that it will pass.
Know that it will pass.
Know that it will pass.
We must experience the night in order to feel the sunshine.

Such profoundness and a great thing to carry into the final week of term. Have loved reading your journal. It's felt really authentic and raw and certainly been a massive encouragement!
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: Bri MT on June 22, 2019, 12:39:16 pm
Hey,

I'd personally feel much more comfortable giving a speech to a thousand people than videoing myself and having 30 people see it, so kudos for having the courage to upload when you felt/feel self-concious about it. You might find it hard to believe this, but when I watch the video I see a AN-er having a memorable day with their friends and not a "cringe" person.

I'm not sure if this'll help you, but something that was beneficial to me when I've been very stressed is to replace words like "need" with "should". Eg. Really, it isn't a requirement that you "need" to calm yourself down but you "should" as it will help you. For me, this me helps me see anxiety and stress as something I can work through rather than a terrifying obstacle.

response to spoiler
It seems that there's a part of you that says you aren't good enough (would be surprising if there wasn't given most people have this - and btw it's mistaken) and that it uses test performance as leverage for who it thinks you "should" be. I can tell you now that test performance does not accurately measure how smart you are or how good a doctor you would be. It's more accurate than taking a completely random guess (hence why they use it) but it certainly isn't fully accurate. I did a few UMAT practice questions (back when I was feeling pressure to keep a medical career pathway open) and my worst section was qualitative reasoning even though I've been a high-achiever in STEM for most of my life.

Yeah often it's the people we care most about who we allow to injure us most deeply (even if accidentally). All forms of relationship (friendship, family etc.) can be complicated and it's perfectly understandable to be torn between wanting people in and pushing them away. I don't know enough about your relationships with them to give advice about what lines to draw and where, or if you can can avoid them by communicating your difficulties in the right way, but know that it's ok to struggle with this.

It can be hard to make mindfullness a habit and I wish you best of luck with it - please try not to be too hard on yourself if you forget.

I hope that government house is great - maybe your school saw what we see here: that you're a dedicated and welcoming student who helps others

Edit: fixed bbc code
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on June 23, 2019, 12:20:31 am
Hey! Thank you to all who replied. Certainly made my weekend. I know, rani_b, quantitative section is so fucked up ::) ::)
Thanks laura_ for the kind words! Hopefully it all pays off  ;D ;D ;D

Big thanks to Bri MT for what you said. I especially resonated about the part with marks and how it does not reflect me as a person. But it can be so damn hard to remember that. I donít know, right now my eyes are set on this one path of being a doctor and I literally canít think of any other career that can suit me. Iíll get on to that later.

Firstly, the government house trip was great! First we listened to MPs speak of their journey, and one such MP shouted our school out! Super embarassing since it was two of once in a room of 150 kids from other schools, but it was lit 8). Afterwards, we went to the upper and lower house, where it got especially heated. It was really cool! We ate lunch and then proceeded to the government house. We took a tour, and then chilled outside in the garden for a bit. We then listened to the governer speak, who was Margaret Beazely. It was super formal, like we had to address her as 'Your Excellency' and that kind of shit. Her lecture was alright, but then we went outside again. We chatted with two Syrian refugees, who were super duper nice! One guy wanted to be an actor, and we chatted of films as I used to be very interested in that area. A girl joined our conversation, and she was pretty cool too. Afterwards we went back to school. It was a great day, and one I won't forget. Here's a pic of me standing outside in the garden of government house:
(https://i.imgur.com/Ao38wZ6_d.jpg?maxwidth=640&shape=thumb&fidelity=medium)

Needless to say, I look pretty sick 8) 8) 8)

I haven't done that much work to be honest, which I need to do more of. Tonight, I went to Eastwood with my family and our neighbours. We went to a Singapore restaurant, which was absolutely great, at least the food. We had crabs and a whole lot of other seafood. Let's just say things got messy ;D

I came home and did some times practice for UCAT. Things are not going to well, and I need to research on how I can improve.

I think with each journal post (like before) I'm going to put a spoiler in which I rang or release something I have been thinking about recentky. Please feel free to skip, absolute not necessary ;D
Spoiler
Two thoughts are dominating me right now. One is that I'm not doing well in terms of academics, and that I need to find new people.
Let's address the first thought first. I'm really worried in terms of marks. My UCQT hasn't gone too well, and it's in two weeks. My average for each section is below or close to the average, which should not be. Plus, I probably won't practice the week after next week, as I'm away to Canberra on a school study camp without access to the internet. I'm deeply worried. I think I need to research on how I can improve tomorrow. Honestly, now that I think about it, I just need to keep practicing and practicing. I guess that's really it. I'm gonna research and see what happens tomorrow.

The second thought. Right now, I feel kind of deprived, if you know what I mean. Or in other words, lonely, like I'm kind of missing something or someone, no matter how cringe that sounds. Like, I really like my friends an all that, but I always feel like needing to release to someone, to have someone to talk to, who's available. I'm craving a close relationship with people, whom I,  in the moment, can talk to. And it's kind of hopeless right now, because the only people I kind of know close are at school, where my character is already set in the social spectrum, if you know what I mean. That's why I love AN at the moment. People don't really see me as cringe (hopefully :)) and accept me for who I am. I just wish that people whom I can interact with see me beyond the surface. I wish I could become myself, letting go of my seeming confidence and just be myself in front of someone, an insecure person who needs to let stuff out.
On the other hand, I also wish to help people. I've been trying to do that on AN for sometime, and it really fulfills me. I just wish right now that people in my current life right now will be right there for me right now, and that I can be right there for them at anytime. I wish I can talk to them at any time and they will respond, and they will talk to me and I will talk to them.

It's a really selfish thing to be honest, but I think deep inside I've wanting that to be true. I do realise that no person can fill this role, but I wish there would be someone to whom I can instantly release. I've tried to do this in the past, but what people say usually is 'ill be there for you' instead of just listening. And it's so hard to tell them of what I've been thinking as well. It's really hard to reveal to someone of what I am feeling.

Sometimes, I feel like this is the right way to go, to be alone and go through these experiences alone, in order to grow stronger. But I feel like needing someone by my side as well. I don't know.

I've been telling my friends about this, and they've told me to get into a relationship with someone. But who!?!? I'm perfectly available to be honest, but there is no one whom I have resonated with or known other than school friends :-[ :-[ :-[. That would solve something, perhaps, but the problem is there is no one.

It's this internal struggle I guess I need to face independently. I guess meditation and mindfulness would help, but yeah.

This shit is super embarassing, and it shouldn't be, but it kind of is. Whatever it is, I'm just feeling the need to get to know more people and to make new friends other than those at school. I've post again tomorrow, but I can't really find a solution to this.
 

So that's been it so far. Hope the post was good!

Peace,

r1ckworthy.
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on July 09, 2019, 11:37:50 pm
 After a marvellous night of counting to 20 before a mod posts, what better to end it than a long overdue journal post? ;D ;D ;D (PS Poet if you're reading this, THANK YOU SO MUCH for making me work, really needed it otherwise things were going to get out of hand ::) ::))

A whole of things have happened since I last posted. Let me break it down:

Study Camp: Honestly, it was a total bore. I wish I could have stayed home and dedicated some intense practice to UCAT (which I will talk about later on) but anyways. My cabin was with friends I roughly alluded to in my previous journal posts. We did some stupid stuff (which I had to apologise for, will tell the story at a later time), and towards the last day, I let my rising anger get the best of my and I got full on triggered at them. I'm usually a very calm person, but I just let loose. Eventually, they figured to stop and apologised to me. At the end, I apologized again for letting my temper get the best of me and we all became happily ever after (not really, but we were okay with each other again :)) Other than that, camp was a huge stretch, and I was never more excited to come home. Some parts of it were pretty good, but I would not go back again.

UCAT: Okay so I came back from camp last Saturday. I was intending to do a mock test on that night, but instead went to bed. On Sunday morning, I completed a mock test on medify. Afterwards, I half procrastinated/ analysed every single wrong question I got (which were a lot) for the verbal reasoning, decision making and situational judgement sections. I ended up making five pages worth of notes. On Monday (yesterday), I started three mock tests but I couldn't bring myself to finish them. I ended up doing a whole bunch of quantitative reasoning questions from the official UCAT website, which I think really influenced my score. My test was scheduled at 8:00 so I took a nap at 5:30 and woke up again at 6:30. I was extremely nervous during the whole day, to say the least, and I really needed a nap. I ate dinner and my dad, my sister and my beautifully drove me to the testing centre. At first I was nervous, but then I become more chill. I spoke to this guy who just graduated last year and who was doing med sci (or some other related degree) and we just talked about a lot of things while we waited. We began our test at 8:45 (maybe a bit later). I think I became a bit too chill,I found myself singing Gangnam style in my head just before I started ::).
After the test, I was kind of laughing because of how bad I did. I predicted to get 400-500 range scores for all subsections (for those who don't know, the UCAT converts all scores of subsections to a scale between 300 and 900). My results are in the spoiler:
UCAT Results
Verbal Reasoning: High 500's
Decision Making: High 500's
Quantitative Reasoning: 710
Abstract Reasoning: 680
Situational judgement: High 500's
Total score (discounting sit.jdg.): 2500

I was throughly surprised seeing my test scores, especially for QR and AR. In order to get into med, I think from watching other videos I need to get a total score>2800 (in order to get above the 90th percentile) so I am not expecting to receive an offer this year. This test,to be honest, was a bit of a confidence booster because it showed me I have the mental capacity and the 'smarts' to actually do alright in my scores, all I needed to do is just to be thoroughly prepared ;D. I will definitely retake the test next year, hopefully I will do enough preparation to get above 700's in all my subsections.

My future plan after highschool is now to get into an advanced science degree and then transfer to medicine next year, if all goes well. I will make a much thorough plan later, I fully expect no offers for interviews this year. I don't see this as disappointing, I know that it's really hard to get into med, but the point is that I need to keep trying. I have watched videos of people who tried the UCAT FOUR BLOOMING TIMES (in the UK) and they got it. This is just a small bump in my path, so hopefully I keep persevering!!! All I am going to do now is focus on getting a really great ATAR and then we will see how things go from here.

It's 11:30 and I really need to go to sleep :P. I will update in the coming days of what stuff I intend to do over these holidays. Its a shame I can't attend any lectures, as I have extra holiday classes and it is in the city (which is a huge hassle). Also, I plan to do a 'UCAT: lessons I've learned' article here in the UCAT thread, definitely lookout for that. Otherwise, thanks to all who is reading, hope you have had an awesome week so far!

Byeee,

r1ckworthy.






Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: KingTings on July 09, 2019, 11:47:31 pm
Love your dedication and mind set dude! I'm sure you will smash HSC out of the park, and get into med later on.
I envy your drive and perseverance, it's better than most med students and first round achievers I know, who don't work as hard in the long run.
Good luck with your studies! Love the posts  ;D
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: martinstran on July 10, 2019, 05:14:52 pm
Your positive attitude and outlook is so inspiring! It's really great to see someone so passionate about their future goals. Since UCAT is percentile based, maybe wait just a little bit before you change up your undergrad uni plan? I'm no med expert, but some of my friends have said that it kinda depends on how the rest of the cohort goes in the exams, so your numerical score might not be the 'be all and end all'. Apply everywhere because you never know what might happen in terms of offers ;D
Good luck (not that you'll need it) on your journey to becoming a doctor!
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on July 10, 2019, 10:46:28 pm
Love your dedication and mind set dude! I'm sure you will smash HSC out of the park, and get into med later on.
I envy your drive and perseverance, it's better than most med students and first round achievers I know, who don't work as hard in the long run.
Good luck with your studies! Love the posts  ;D

Hey dude, thanks so much! I really love seeing your dedications well in your journal! Super inspiring stuff!! While I would describe myself as lazy, I can see a kind of drive within me than some high round achievers don't have (probably came from seeing my mom work 7-10 mon-sat in India- she's a neurologist). I do need to work harder, thanks so much for the encouragement  ;D ;D ;D

Your positive attitude and outlook is so inspiring! It's really great to see someone so passionate about their future goals. Since UCAT is percentile based, maybe wait just a little bit before you change up your undergrad uni plan? I'm no med expert, but some of my friends have said that it kinda depends on how the rest of the cohort goes in the exams, so your numerical score might not be the 'be all and end all'. Apply everywhere because you never know what might happen in terms of offers ;D
Good luck (not that you'll need it) on your journey to becoming a doctor!

Thank you so much for your kind words! I did get told that by some people, but by looking at cohorts in the previous year (those in the UK) I ended up passing 60th percentile which is not great for gaining a med interview. However that may not be the outcome- maybe everyone did terrible since this is the first year- although I do think that is very unlikely. I will try to apply everywhere, although I will leave my top preference to be advanced science or something similar to that, not too sure about this but Iíll update in the coming months! Again, thank you so much for your kind words, really made my night ;D ;D ;D. Your journal is high on the to-do list of things to read in ATARnotes  ;D, caught a sneak peak yesterday and it looks pretty awesome!
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on July 15, 2019, 12:39:57 am
Heyooo,

Just got to unleash some heavy stuff on my mind right now.
Spoiler
So I started to think about this stuff (which I will get onto later) when I just about finished my English assessment (which is due tomorrow). And I felt myself being kind of lazy, like I just felt like not finishing it to be honest. During that time I kept reminding myself that high achiever, 99'ers, need to work hard and give everything their best shot, at all times. But I just felt kind of tired, like I just felt like not doing it. I kept comparing myself to others to be honest. Like I just kept envisioning the teachers saying,"you had a great story but you just don't have the skill to write." That became kind of painful, and part of the reason on why that put me off.
Fast forward to when I printed everything off and went to bed, I just randomly put into the search bar on YouTube on my iPad,"Zion Williamson story". For those who don't know, Zion was just recently drafted into NBA, and is superfamous for his athleticism. I felt like I was a bit burnt out and needed some inspiration. There was a mini-documentary about him, and I started to watch it. I rewatched that three times.
What I want to talk about is my ambition, and my selfishness. During my younger years, I had always wanted to win, right, I was always the kid who imagined himself winning prizes on stage, being the centre of attention, that kind of stuff. And I am still kind of that, I don't know, some of that thinking is still ingrained inside me.
And it was super painful to see it turn out the other way. One year, we were in a school assembly and the principal started to hand out awards to some of the kids in my class, ones that I thought weren't necessarily as smart as me. I broke down during that assembly, tears almost streaming down my face.
And that kind of ambition, that habit of imagining oneself succeeding can become so crippling. And that kind of thinking still dominates me. I always feel as if I am a really smart and gifted person, like I would imagine myself getting all state ranks for all my subjects, stupid shit like that.
It hurts so much when the other version plays out. Having to walk up and tell your parents for the millionth time that my report grades weren't good enough. It hurts so much. And to have high-achieving parents, both successful doctors in their fields, does not help at all.
"Look at the gap between me and my parents." That kind of thinking dominates me most of the time.
Some of what Bri MT said in her previous posts here helped me a little bit to realise that there is more to existence than marks. There is more to life than status, reputation, marks etc.

There is more to life than marks.
I need to start retraining myself to have no or minimal expectations with events. I need to stop being selfish, always holding myself in my head as the centre of attention and just fucking live in the present moment. I need to stop thinking about stuff in the future and just start living in the now, no matter how cringe that sounds.
I just need to let go of my needing to imagine / control my future, and just let it be.  I just need to let go of that tiny, criticising voice in my head that yells at me every single time some miniscule thing goes wrong. I need to be more calm and just live in the present moment. To stop overthinking, and just exist,
I guess that is my problem. Overthinking.

If you are reading this far, sorry for babbling random shit, I'm just writing what comes to mind.

We all just need to take a deep breath in sometimes and let things be as they are. Just calm down and stop listening to the voice in our heads. We need to be more stoic. We need to stop acting as if there is always conflict in our lives, which there isn't. We just need to gradually learn that our life will not be interesting sometimes unless we make it. We need to stop overthinking and takes things a little serious, but mostly fun. We need to be more light hearted with ourself. We just need to breathe and just smile.
We need to convince ourself that our lives are no movies. We are human beings, and for some odd reason we are here on this planet breathing and just experiencing the world. For some reason we are here on this planet, an atom when compared to the universe, and we are here to experience, to feel emotions, gain wonder and just be. Our lives do not need to be filled with conflict, drama or stress unless we make it to be. Every experience is within our control, and we get to choose whether we perceive it as good or bad.
I need to just calm down and just experience things in the present. I need to stop taking myself seriously and just have god damn fun doing the stuff I love. I need to convince myself that this is not a bad experience, as I have made it out to be. I get to choose whether it will be a bad experience or not.
We need to stop taking ourself seriously, stop comparing ourselves and just keep going. We get to decide what our future actions will be. We get to decide whether this will be a good bad experience. We get to choose whether to be scared of our thoughts, our naive surface level thoughts or let them be just as they are. We need to start recognising our thoughts as clouds in the sky, and we need to let them pass by.

Don't know about you,but thateels much better. Guess I need to keep reminding myself of this more and more.
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on August 02, 2019, 04:04:52 pm
Heyooo,

Trials are starting next week so I thought I would make a video. Guess who spent the majority of yesterday making the video? ME. Hope y'all enjoy ;D

Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: Evolio on August 02, 2019, 04:37:47 pm
Hey rick1worthy!
Loving your journal entries!
This video journal was particularly enjoyable to watch! Loved the funny parts as well! ;D

Quote
I feel behind in everything.
Same! I thought it was just me! I feel behind in basically all of the aspects of my life! I feel behind in all my subjects and my extracurriculars and just me personally. When I don't feel that great, I think about how far I've come and what I've achieved so far. You should do this too! Trust me, it'll help. As someone once said ' Success is a journey not a destination'.

Quote
I'm not working as hard as I should
This is my everyday and it's tearing my soul apart. It's great that you're planning ahead and have battle plans for each subject! It really shows that you've been thinking about your weaknesses and how you can make them your strengths!

You can do it! Have faith and confidence in yourself! I know you have the strength to keep pushing until trials! You will succeed! I believe in you!  :)

All the best for trials!
 :)
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on August 02, 2019, 05:19:31 pm
Hey Evolio!!

Thanks for watching the video entry! Glad you enjoyed it!

Quote
When I don't feel that great, I think about how far I've come and what I've achieved so far. You should do this too! Trust me, it'll help. As someone once said ' Success is a journey not a destination'.

That is a valid point, I will definitely consider this. It can just get so overwhelming at times, you know what I mean? But we often forget that the journey is still occurring, all we have to do is to keep moving ;D

Quote
You can do it! Have faith and confidence in yourself! I know you have the strength to keep pushing until trials! You will succeed! I believe in you!  :)

Thank you so much. I hope I will push myself too, and hope everything pays off. Thanks once again for replying! Really appreciate it. Your journal posts have been so inspiring, hope to see more of them!
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: DrDusk on August 02, 2019, 06:03:53 pm
Good luck for your trials, go on smash them (especially Physics) ;).

If you have any questions make sure to ask us on the Physics forum. I love answering questions.
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on August 02, 2019, 07:39:15 pm
Good luck for your trials, go on smash them (especially Physics) ;).

If you have any questions make sure to ask us on the Physics forum. I love answering questions.

Thanks so much! I hope I smash physics too ;D

I'll definitely make sure to ask questions if I have them. I really appreciate you taking the time to answer questions! Seeing your presence on the board is super inspiring ;D
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: Snow Leopard on August 02, 2019, 07:53:19 pm
What'd you think of Emma (by Jane Austen?)
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on August 02, 2019, 09:21:19 pm
What'd you think of Emma (by Jane Austen?)

Emma is a really powerful novel. At first, I found it hard to understand, and it was confusing and I didn't know half the time what was happening. I was at first disengaged with the text. But as soon as I started to understand (with the help of lit charts ;D) the novel began to have a transformative effect on me. I think with Emma, right, we see her commit these absolutely cruel decisions based on class and prejudice, as well as being mislead by her ginormous pride. We come to hate her, as we see her actions detrimentally crippling those around there. But what Austen does is that she takes all the shitty things Emma has done and punched it right up-to her face, pulling her in situations where she is forced to see herself being wrong, and her pride destroyed in a moment. Slowly, Austen reveals Emma thinking rationally for herself, eventually becoming kind and the type of character we esteem. Chapters 40-55 (the last chapters) are just so powerful in the way Austen reveals Emma to be learning and applying her new-found wisdom in situations where she would have done so otherwise if she were to retain her pride. We see, very slowly, the transformation of a character. Not only that, we also empathise with Emma's regret and sorrow for what she has done. Chapter 44 is especially so powerful towards the end, as Austen so powerfully show how Emma comes to realise her mistake, her deep cruel mistake. I think most people will relate to it so much. I relate with Emma so much towards the end of the novel, seeing her regretful and extremely sorrowful of her mistakes and resolving to do better. It was powerful how Austen wrote these few chapters. I think what is trying to be communicated as well is how we should come to accept individuals. While they have committed mistakes, mistakes that might scar someone, we must recognise that they have learned from the experience, and we should, we must, accept them. This doesn't mean to forgive them completely of their deed; it is to accept their change of heart, and to recognise their efforts in attempts to reverse their mistakes. Mistakes are etched into history; we can never change them. What we can do is to learn from them and move on, becoming better individuals in the future. This is what happened to Emma, communicated so powerfully through Austen's writing.

I hope that rambling wasn't boring, I really enjoyed the text (will try to read it in full after trial exams!!). It's my favourite book in year 12 English, and I'm glad our teacher has chosen it.
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: Snow Leopard on August 02, 2019, 09:36:46 pm
Emma is a really powerful novel. At first, I found it hard to understand, and it was confusing and I didn't know half the time what was happening. I was at first disengaged with the text. But as soon as I started to understand (with the help of lit charts ;D) the novel began to have a transformative effect on me. I think with Emma, right, we see her commit these absolutely cruel decisions based on class and prejudice, as well as being mislead by her ginormous pride. We come to hate her, as we see her actions detrimentally crippling those around there. But what Austen does is that she takes all the shitty things Emma has done and punched it right up-to her face, pulling her in situations where she is forced to see herself being wrong, and her pride destroyed in a moment. Slowly, Austen reveals Emma thinking rationally for herself, eventually becoming kind and the type of character we esteem. Chapters 40-55 (the last chapters) are just so powerful in the way Austen reveals Emma to be learning and applying her new-found wisdom in situations where she would have done so otherwise if she were to retain her pride. We see, very slowly, the transformation of a character. Not only that, we also empathise with Emma's regret and sorrow for what she has done. Chapter 44 is especially so powerful towards the end, as Austen so powerfully show how Emma comes to realise her mistake, her deep cruel mistake. I think most people will relate to it so much. I relate with Emma so much towards the end of the novel, seeing her regretful and extremely sorrowful of her mistakes and resolving to do better. It was powerful how Austen wrote these few chapters. I think what is trying to be communicated as well is how we should come to accept individuals. While they have committed mistakes, mistakes that might scar someone, we must recognise that they have learned from the experience, and we should, we must, accept them. This doesn't mean to forgive them completely of their deed; it is to accept their change of heart, and to recognise their efforts in attempts to reverse their mistakes. Mistakes are etched into history; we can never change them. What we can do is to learn from them and move on, becoming better individuals in the future. This is what happened to Emma, communicated so powerfully through Austen's writing.

I hope that rambling wasn't boring, I really enjoyed the text (will try to read it in full after trial exams!!). It's my favourite book in year 12 English, and I'm glad our teacher has chosen it.
No that was great actually!
I never really delved as deeply into it when I read it as you did.
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: DrDusk on August 02, 2019, 09:44:12 pm
Emma is a really powerful novel. At first, I found it hard to understand, and it was confusing and I didn't know half the time what was happening. I was at first disengaged with the text. But as soon as I started to understand (with the help of lit charts ;D) the novel began to have a transformative effect on me. I think with Emma, right, we see her commit these absolutely cruel decisions based on class and prejudice, as well as being mislead by her ginormous pride. We come to hate her, as we see her actions detrimentally crippling those around there. But what Austen does is that she takes all the shitty things Emma has done and punched it right up-to her face, pulling her in situations where she is forced to see herself being wrong, and her pride destroyed in a moment. Slowly, Austen reveals Emma thinking rationally for herself, eventually becoming kind and the type of character we esteem. Chapters 40-55 (the last chapters) are just so powerful in the way Austen reveals Emma to be learning and applying her new-found wisdom in situations where she would have done so otherwise if she were to retain her pride. We see, very slowly, the transformation of a character. Not only that, we also empathise with Emma's regret and sorrow for what she has done. Chapter 44 is especially so powerful towards the end, as Austen so powerfully show how Emma comes to realise her mistake, her deep cruel mistake. I think most people will relate to it so much. I relate with Emma so much towards the end of the novel, seeing her regretful and extremely sorrowful of her mistakes and resolving to do better. It was powerful how Austen wrote these few chapters. I think what is trying to be communicated as well is how we should come to accept individuals. While they have committed mistakes, mistakes that might scar someone, we must recognise that they have learned from the experience, and we should, we must, accept them. This doesn't mean to forgive them completely of their deed; it is to accept their change of heart, and to recognise their efforts in attempts to reverse their mistakes. Mistakes are etched into history; we can never change them. What we can do is to learn from them and move on, becoming better individuals in the future. This is what happened to Emma, communicated so powerfully through Austen's writing.

I hope that rambling wasn't boring, I really enjoyed the text (will try to read it in full after trial exams!!). It's my favourite book in year 12 English, and I'm glad our teacher has chosen it.

I can't believe you actually enjoyed something from English haha.

My English lessons were mostly my teacher yelling at me to do my work and taking away my laptop when she caught me not doing English, because I would just be doing Physics.
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on August 02, 2019, 09:53:46 pm
No that was great actually!
I never really delved as deeply into it when I read it as you did.

I am kind of forced to delve deeper into the text as of the module being 'critical study of literature' so that is when I became fascinated with the novel. If I had read it out of my free time, I probably wouldn't have gotten so much out of it ;D.

I can't believe you actually enjoyed something from English haha.

My English lessons were mostly my teacher yelling at me to do my work and taking away my laptop when she caught me not doing English, because I would just be doing Physics.

Hahaha, I think this novel is the only thing I enjoyed to be honest, I hate/ am annoyed by the other modules. Same, I used to do my assignments at the back, totally zoned out from some lessons- English teachers, while sometimes insightful, just seem to blab on endlessly ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: DrDusk on August 02, 2019, 11:20:20 pm
Also I just watched your video, and as it turns out we basically have the same first name, what is this lol
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on August 02, 2019, 11:33:25 pm
Also I just watched your video, and as it turns out we basically have the same first name, what is this lol

Wait, whaaat, that is the strangest coincidence  ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on August 25, 2019, 08:19:46 pm
Hey y'all,

Hope everyone is doing well! I'm procrastinating at the moment, so why not update y'all on what's been happening ;D ;D ;D

So... trials had just finished. Last week Tuesday to be exact. I took a break on Tuesday night, studied a bit on Wednesday and procrastinated on Thursday. Actually ended up doing good work on Friday, but this weekend was totally wasted to be honest. Trials had made me realise how behind I actually was at everything, and that I needed to spend more time studying than procrastinating. However, here I am, procrastinating away...

Hopefully this will end soon. I really want to get back to full-time study, and I really need to. The biggest blessing I have received from trials is that I am BEHIND, and I need to run in order to push my mark into the band 6 range.

Now, in terms of marks, below are some of my trial marks and my experiences with it:
Maths 2U: 84.5/100, not too sure about rank but high up there. I have worked hard for this one, at least the day before ;D, doing at least 4 trial papers. The paper was from western region (my school is not catholic) so I just worked on working from 2018 WME to 2014 WME. I also screen-shot the mistakes I made with each paper into a document, and it ended up (kind of) pushing my mark up a bit. Would have definitely got high 90's with no silly mistakes, and I think the reason I did this was because of no sleep ;D.
Chemistry: 82/100, this paper was NEAP. Again, could have got 96 (I actually calculated it) if omitting the silly mistakes. This exam really frustrated me. I would have done so well if I actually had some sleep, since I slept late and woke up at 4 AM to study for this exam.
Maths X1: 51/70, top rank ;D ;D ;D. I am really happy with this one, considering it was CSSA. While some questions I should have gotten right, I felt with the effort I put in, this can be considered a good mark, albeit not great. I ended up scoring shit in multiple choice (4/10!) but good in section 2. Again, silly mistakes due to lack of sleep, so I definitely could have done better.
Physics: Surprisingly good exam, not CSSA but my teacher combined some trials as we have not covered the entire course as yet. Scored 18/20 for multiple choice, so that's a plus. I felt extended response was a bit too easy, definitely easier than the half-yearly. Overall, I think this is a kind exam and I. think the only reason to lose marks would be silly mistakes.
Ancient History: Meh, it went alright except for society, totally trashed that section ;D.
Science Extension: It didn't count to my assessment mark so I didn't end up caring a lot for it. I did try my best, but I felt with preparation I could have done better.
Advanced English: I was dreading to write this part. I don't know how I went, but judging from the comprehension section, I didn't do too well. I am really really worried about this exam, so let's see how it goes.

Overall, trials have been a blessing since they have taught me the value of good sleep, but also to just exemplify how behind I am in each of my subjects. I'm currently in a dilemma: I want to do hard work but I just can't. I guess I am kind of burnt out, but that should not be an excuse for not doing work. I need to work at pushing myself and keeping focus on my end goal.

I find myself not wanting to put effort in things I would have done so previously, so I need to research about it and fix it up pretty soon. I'l let you guys know how it goes :).

I will update soon, anyone have any suggestions for the dilemma above? Would love to hear some new approaches ;D

Peaceeee,

R1ckworthy.
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: Bri MT on August 26, 2019, 07:54:40 am
Congrats on getting through trials!

If you're 'a bit burnt out' (and I suspect that that is the case) taking some time to manage that is being productive & not an excuse. The study guilt is hard to ignore - especially if you're behind - but focusing on your wellbeing is going to help you be more efficient in catching up later.

As you've learnt sleep is important for your academic performance.  It's also important for your emotional regulation, self dicipline & learning.  You're probably going to struggle with going to sleep early enough given your late night studying so I'd encourage you to prioritise things like exercise that will help you get enough sleep & also improve your wellbeing.

Taking care of yourself isn't a cop out; it's important
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on August 26, 2019, 04:07:28 pm
Congrats on getting through trials!

If you're 'a bit burnt out' (and I suspect that that is the case) taking some time to manage that is being productive & not an excuse. The study guilt is hard to ignore - especially if you're behind - but focusing on your wellbeing is going to help you be more efficient in catching up later.

As you've learnt sleep is important for your academic performance.  It's also important for your emotional regulation, self dicipline & learning.  You're probably going to struggle with going to sleep early enough given your late night studying so I'd encourage you to prioritise things like exercise that will help you get enough sleep & also improve your wellbeing.

Taking care of yourself isn't a cop out; it's important

That is true, I should carve out some time for self-help. Now that I'm thinking about it, I guess that is one of the things that is stopping me from reaching my potential. I find there is often a misbalance in my productivity:, if you know what I mean: work light or not at all during the first few weeks or so of school and then going more than full throttle when exams are approaching. I think I need to work on being consistent and being satisfied with doing a little bit each day, even if I don't see immediate results.
And yeah, it was pretty hard to get to sleep early. I went to bed at 10:30 yesterday and woke up at 6:30, but I have been feeling tired and irritable. I suspect this only lasts for a few days though.

Thanks so much for the comment Bri MT! I'm glad I have this reminder now just before any major burn out sesh happens again ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on September 02, 2019, 11:17:45 pm
The following is inspired from Kurzgesagtís video ĎThe Eggí. Itís kind of silly, but here you go.
You might want to listen to this song while you read. Enjoy. Iím pretty sure Iíll be cringing at it in a few days. I certainly donít believe what I have written, but I think itís nice.

Spoiler
You look up to the stars. They are very beautiful.

They sparkle and blink here and there. You see one star, almost red.

Itís starts to blink. It blinks even more. And more so. Blinking so fast, it disappears.

The stars around it start to blink. And start to disappear.

One by one. They start to disappear.

Soon enough, almost like a wave, the bright spots begin to vanish.

You are before a dark sky.

You seem to be floating in mid air. You canít see a thing.

You feel submerged. Suddenly, a faint white spot appears above you.

You pretend to swim, reaching out for it with your tiny hands.

You hold your breath. As you reach the top, the dark begins to transform into white.

You take in a deep breath.

Land begins to form underneath your feet.

Clouds begin to form around you.

Eventually, you see a dirt ball rise up.

Some blue appears, and eventually covers 70% of it.

Soon enough, spots of green start to appear. You decide to take a closer look.

Some small creatures wiggle out of nowhere. You help them move a bit.

Soon enough, they transform into fishes. Into fishes, and so on. You know how the rest of it goes.

Eventually, it becomes you.

It becomes you.

A perfect, unspoiled version of you.

No longer held back. You begin to admire the eyes of this creature.

You see it wisp into a tiny space. You reach out for it.

Your hands immediately transform and fade into that spot.

You lie in bed, opening your eyes.

Staring out a small hole out of a window, you see a star blinking.

Eventually, it disappears. The next star starts to blink.

It disappears, and so a wave of bright spots begin to vanish.

You go through the process once again. And again. And again.

The perfect you lies before your eyes. And fades before your eyes.

You reach out for it.

You lie in bed, your eyes opening.

You watch the stars blink.

You feel yourself letting go. Of what, you donít know.

You feel your muscles relax.

The process repeats itself, and the perfect you fades to dust.

Finally, your eyes open.

You eventually let out a smile.

The stars no longer blink.

They continue to shine.

You look out, and smile.

They continue to shine.

They continue to shine.
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: laura_ on September 03, 2019, 05:24:19 pm
This is beautiful! Certainly goes great with some background music ;D
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on September 04, 2019, 11:11:55 pm
Hey y'all,

Thought I should update y'all on what's happening. Got some marks back:

Physics: 94%, TOP RANK!!!! Honestly, this was the exam I was most relaxed for in a way due to consistency learning the content throughout the year. I should say that other classmates and I agreed the exam paper to be very kind to the class so I guess I should ramp up my preparation and not let this result get to my head and make me relax.
Ancient History: 81-82%, not sure on that because my teacher told me my mark was 80 and afterwards added 1-2 marks after reviewing it again. Honestly, I was kind of lucky and I really need to ramp up my preparation. I am really confident that I will score highly in the externals if I memorise all the content, so we will see how it goes. This exam was also annoying as I scored almost full marks for the core and essay section, but dropped marks in the short answers in society and personality sections. Rank is up there though, so I am not worrying as much. I need to get memorising!

That's all my trial marks, except for advanced english and science extension. I am okay with most of my marks, considering no 70's except maths  X1 (but again, not too worried as I have top rank but need to work my ass off ;D). I have a feeling that I will perform waaaay better in the HSC, and that my internals will drag me down. I am not trying to focus on marks right now though, just the system and habits through which I will earn those marks ;D.

My science extension major research project is due next Wednesday, and I really need to get ramping on it. I have everything I need, I just need to dedicate time and start writing! My plan is to dedicate a day out of the weekend as well as school time here and there.

My plan of attack for the HSC is as follows: Upto graduation, my aim is to cover all content effectively and at a deep level. This applies for humanities, english and science subjects. I hope to go through the content before the 26th of September (which is when I graduate), and so have the knowledge required to do past papers. In the three weeks before the HSC, my hope is to do as many past papers as possible for all my subjects. As well as that, I hope to start every morning in the holidays with reviewing content, and doing past papers in the afternoon and evening. The weekend and days before the English HSC is when I will focus my attention on english.

I have focussed this preparation on reviewing the content as actively as possible. I hope to write a series of questions for each chapter of my science subjects on google sheets. The first column will be questions and the next column will be answers. I will change the font colour of the answers so they are white and then I will try to go through all of them everyday day or so. I will colour code each question after writing the answer, depending on how much I recalled the information. My goal is to get all the questions to be colour-coded green ;D. BTW this is inspired from Ali Abdaal, in case you didnít know  ;D. My plan for ancient history is to just physically write out information in the form of essay/ answer plans, and then try and memorise them effectively.

Here's the next big problem: studying for advanced english. I am so frustrated with english right now, and I am not sure on how to study for it. I hope to go through all my texts once more before graduation, but I would love if anyone could suggest ways in which I could develop a deeper amount of understanding and knowledge for the texts. It's very frustrating, and I am not sure how to prepare for it, would love if someone could chip in and suggest something.



Something weird happened on Tuesday.

So a bit of context: I have been heavily involved my my school's drama club since year 7, and last year was my final year. At first it was a bit like woah, last drama club but I did not feel anything particularly memorable or remarkable. Gave the kids a year below us some hugs at the end of the production, got a photo with the teachers who directed the play as well as other teachers and then we took some selfies. It did not feel like a big deal.

However, a few weeks ago, my english teacher (who co-directs the plays) asked me to act as a principal in a short film clip, as they could not get anyone else to do it.

Fast-forward to this week, and I came Monday afternoon, feeling a little bit anxious. The teacher who is responsible for the film sections was not available, so they asked me to come back on Tuesday afternoon. Okay, so no big deal so far.

Then comes Tuesday afternoon. I kept thinking of how I would act here and there during the day (1 or 2 times) and then went over to the hall where they are preparing. The teacher told me to change, and I swapped out my tie and coat. She also told me to comb my hair (as I have not cut it in a while) and so I went to the hair and makeup area (literally a classroom) to borrow a comb. To be honest, I was expecting them to be like hey, you missed us didn't you or welcome back or something like that but I guess they were too caught up in the madness that ensues 2 days before production (and it was a bit selfish of me). So I went down with a group of actors and the teachers to the office, and we shot two scenes first before mine. I helped around a bit, holding some stuff. And then, the teacher hands me their phone to read over my section and I try to grasp a general understanding and tone of my character (oooh, serious stuff ;D), while also trying to memorise my lines. So we went into the room and I did what I was supposed to do. The phone was hidden behind a pile of papers before me so I could review the lines while still being in character. It was shot in one-take, breakneck speed. After the teacher shot two takes, they said," Alright, we're done here."
I respond "We're done?"
They respond "we're done."

So I stood up, walked out, said bye to the group and went back to the hall. Near the bathroom, I changed back to my coat and tie and walked back to the hair and makeup area, where I returned the comb. As I walked out, a teacher asked how did it go and I said it went alright and I walked away to the library.



It feels very weird. Very, very weird. The moment that teacher said we're done signalled the end of my involvement with drama club. Thinking about it for the last two days, I guess I am now finished with drama club. This acting and being someone else other than myself had been a huge part of my entire life, where I fully immerse myself into characters and forget myself in the process. I have been involved with it since year 7, stumbling on it by accident in year 6, and I can say that it has been a huge part of my life. I guess I was mainly passionate about acting and I worked hard as hell for each role ;D. The nerves before walking out on stage, feeling (sorry for swearing) fucking amazing as you show off what you have worked so hard for... I guess they are now gone as soon as that teacher said we're done.

Obviously, I'm making this waaay too melodramatic but man, does it feel weird. I don't feel emotional, or angry, or pleased, or nostalgic. I just feel weird, finishing up something that has been an integral part of my life. And sure, I can go and try out for major theatrical productions but it just won't be the same anymore. Here's a quick story: I was acting as Grumio in the taming of the shrew, and I had to advertise tickets during school assembly, where the whole school meets up. I walked down the aisle singing, going waaay out of my comfort zone, and then a few minutes into the whole thing and I dab in front of the whole school. I caused (sorry for swearing) a fucking riot, and it felt great ;D. Those kind of experiences I will never get back.

It feels so weird right now. I guess it will feel even weirder during graduation, but I'll wait till that happens.

So there you go. I have finished one chapter out of my life, and am now moving onto the next.

I'll update y'all in a couple of days.

Peace,

R1ckworthy.
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: DrDusk on September 04, 2019, 11:35:33 pm

Physics: 94%, TOP RANK!!!! Honestly, this was the exam I was most relaxed for in a way due to consistency learning the content throughout the year. I should say that other classmates and I agreed the exam paper to be very kind to the class so I guess I should ramp up my preparation and not let this result get to my head and make me relax.
Well done ;)  that's what we all like to see
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: Bri MT on October 03, 2019, 04:43:03 pm
Any news on the next chapter so far? :)
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on October 03, 2019, 04:48:33 pm
Any news on the next chapter so far? :)

Mega post coming tonight! Posting this here so I actually do it ;D
Thanks Bri MT for the reminder!
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on October 03, 2019, 11:04:52 pm
Yeet, let's update ;D


Okay, so I left with writing about my drama club experience. Well, I did not go to the production as I was working on my science project for science extension, so I am hoping to buy a DVD of it at the end of the year, but the reception was pretty good. Everyone came up to me and congratulated me, so I'm glad everyone liked it. My family went to drama club and they loved it, so that's nice too :).

Let's get some marks out of the way first.

Advanced English: 75. I am so worried. This year's CSSA paper was also easy in my opinion so I am very worried about my HSC mark for english. I have been thinking of my problem, and I think I just need to bring more complexity and more control over language in my essays. That's why for the past week of holidays I have been working on essay plans, as I am redefining my ideas to make it more refined, complex and nuanced. This next week I am hoping to write some essays with some practice exams I have obtained from my tutor, so that should go alright. My rank is 4 or 5 out of 15 so it's alright.
Science Extension: 38/50. Honestly, feel pretty okay about this mark since I did not fully study for this exam. First rank out of two students, so yeah.

To be honest, I am trying to put these marks aside and just focus on studying. Below is what I am doing for each subject right now:

Advanced English: Essay plans and summarising scholarly articles for mod b. Honestly, I feel that this is what I should be doing now. Get my ideas to a complex and organised level without everything being all over the place. I have been rewriting, rewriting and thinking of paragraphs for my module essays, especially mod A. My goal is to finish refined and final essays plans for each of my modules by monday. Afterwards, I am going to work on past papers. I have obtained some trials from my tutors as well as tons of questions from my teacher so I should cover that. I am thinking of having an english session with my physics tutor, who scored pretty well in English and said he could help me with english so that's that. I have been focussing way too much on module A so I hope to get that finished by tomorrow or the day after tomorrow.

Maths (2U+3U): Right now, I would just begin a past paper and do questions that initially I am doubtful off. Every other question I would usually verbalise on how to do in my head and so I skip over that. If I could not do that question, I would look back at the answers, see the first step of the solution and then go back and try to do the problem myself. This is working good for me right now, so I plan to finish from 2010 to 2018 for all papers doing that method. I should do two fully timed papers next week for each subject. I am also going to review every question I got wrong or had no idea on what to do during the weekend, so that I don't forget. These questions I miss would also form as a question bank that I would do before the HSC so that should be that.

Physics + Chemistry:I have done two full papers in the past two days and it has been really beneficial, but it really has been taking a toll on my energy. For example, yesterday I completed a chemistry paper in the morning with full energy, only to be slumped and dead whilst doing a physics paper in the afternoon. So, I have adopted the approach I have for maths and do papers while checking the answers. I am now remarking my paper and it has been so helpful. Learning from a band 6 answer has been so useful, as I could see straightway how to structure answers and what band 6 students answer questions to gain full marks. What I did today is see the mistakes I made the previous day when I did the exam and do the question again, checking to see if the answer has really stuck. If not, I review the answer again and learn off of it. Whilst I have a desire to complete as many papers for science, I feel there is absolutely no point if you attempt a whole bunch of papers and not review them in detail. The last two days I have frantically tried to attempt full papers and try to mark them in detail in the same day, but it just didn't work. The approach I am taking right now not only makes me learn the content but also see straightaway my mistakes and what I am doing that is keeping me from getting a good mark. I hope to work hard and complete as many papers in this way over the next few weeks.

Ancient History:My teacher is a HSC marker and so knows how to get a good mark. She has given us a timetable where we summarise a given amount of content per day and answer questions. Honestly, I have tried doing this for the past few days but it hasn't really worked for me. I know it would be fully ingrained in my brain due to a past experience. Last year, I spent a tonne of time summarising preliminary biology, using pretty colours and working really hard on my notes. But by the time the exam rolled around, I got a 70-80 mark because I had not used my time to answer past paper questions. So from now, I am going to fully dedicate my ancient history study time to just writing up answers, open or closed book. I would first attempt the question without any reference, and then look back on the book and craft my answer again. I think this will be the best approach to take now.

Science Extension: This subject. No past papers, no resources, NOTHING since this is a new course. My plan is to just write notes. Since it's a computer exam, I am going to write notes underneath the syllabus dot-point on a computer. I am just going to try and understand everything as much as possible, especially the statistics module and apply my knowledge to scientific papers. My teacher had suggested that I write notes and see how scientific research reports apply all the knowledge I have learned. I have not done any study for this subject so I hope to get started tomorrow or as soon as possible.

So that's my plan for each of my subjects. It's a lot, but I have been getting it done. Ever since Monday, I have been on a routine where I begin at 8AM no matter what and work in 50 minute sessions with a ten minute break in between. After four sessions, I take a 30-45 minute break eating lunch, watching TV and so on. I have been slacking off during the evening though, ending up in me not accomplishing as much for subjects like ancient history and science extension. I hope to get on board pretty quickly. I have been studying at least 8 hours per day which to my standards is amazing. I have never been as studious before this holidays, where I meticulously record my time. I have been using the app forest as a timer and it is pretty solid. I hope to become more productive in the next few days. I don't think I will burn out since I have those ten minute breaks, but I have been feeling slumped in the evening and night. I think I will walk my dog or do some sort of exercise to fix that issue though ;D.

Mannn, that's long!

Let me update y'all on what has happened since trials. My science extension project was due so I had that done. I first made a full science report without the word limits that science extension requires, and entered that into a competition known as Young Scientist. My school is known for entering and winning many places in that competition, and I had won a sponsored award back in year 10 for a science project I did so my teacher required these projects to be entered as well. That took some time, and it dragged on. It was pretty hard and ate up some of my study time which was not good. I had finally gotten that done and uploaded before 12 PM (got it in at 7PM). I reached a stage where I was just so tired with the project that I just uploaded it and finished it off. It was a similar experience to what martinstran had with his PIP (check out his journal!) and so that was that. I then worked in the next few days to cut it down to the 3000 word limit (I had 6000 words!) so got it down to 3200 words. My teacher and I didn't bother much with it because we thought the word limit would be flexible :), so I finished it up the day before it needed to be in. However, at night while I was getting started on some english work, I received a call. It was an unknown number so I was a bit hesitant but picked it up and guess who? My teacher! He said I had to come back to school as well as the other science extension student to cut it down to 3000 words. It was a small job, but I eventually cut it down to 2800 or something words. We then got it out of the way.

What else? I also submitted my JCU application for medicine. I put a lot of heart into this application as I really like the rural focus of JCU's medicine program. I sent it to my headmaster (my school is small so my headmaster acts as our career advisor), and he said he really liked my application as well. I had been procrastinating on it for some weeks, but I sat down one sunday night (week before it was due) and smashed it out. I also got some letters of recommendation from my principal and two teachers. One teacher was my drama club teacher whom I had worked with in drama club and film club (that is a story for another time!) and the other teacher was my science extension teacher, whom I had worked with all year on my project. I had chosen these two teachers to show my extracurricular and academic side, so that was that. I got it all checked by my headmaster, and posted it last Friday via express post. I do not expect at all to get an offer as my ATAR prediction is too low (95.95). I also don't want to go interstate as well so I am hoping in a way to not get an interview offer. In fact, I know I won't since my ATAR is too low ;D, but it was nice writing that application though ;D.

Another thing is my graduation experience. Over the past two weeks, we as a yr12 class had been filming for our final Yr12 ceremony video. I was going to be the primary editor, but as you all know, me and the two other guys behind this project left it all to the last minute. So in a final rush to get it done, I came to my friend's house on wednesday (graduation was thursday- we had to get it done!) after school. We discussed a lot about the film and edited through the whole night. The main main guy (the director of the film, as it were) left at 12 AM and I stayed up until 3 with my friend chipping it away. We had done all the main sequences, but he was too smashed and so went to bed. I kept going, frantically trying to get it done until 5 AM. It was a thrilling experience though, I had never been so awake during 3 AM as much as that night ;D. I finished off the video and my dad came and picked me up at 5 AM. He wanted me to be at home since this was going to be my last day of school and so I edited till the morning. I ran it off the director when we all came together in the morning, and we showed it to the class. They seem to like it, I am not too sure. I had two strong coffees by the time we showed it to the class, and even then I was way too tired. We then started to go off to classes, but then I had to stay back to setup up the whole video presentation, so I ended up not going to all the classes. Now that I look back, I kind of wish I did but someone had to stay back, or otherwise the video would not work, and that someone had unluckily had to be me. Even though I had missed out on what some would call the graduation experience, since I was rushing back and forth to get this video off my back, I am kind of glad because I had never been involved in something so much. I don't know, but that was the year 12 experience.

Afterwards, I came back home with my family. My sister was really disappointed that I could not come to her class (since I was busy with the video) so we ended up talking. I think we bonded so much during that afternoon that, in a way, makes me kind of glad I was busy with the video since I could have that experience, if that makes sense. Afterwards I took a nap, woke up, changed into a suit and went to my yr12 formal. My school's formal was pretty fancy, and I had a really good discussion with some teachers that night. We did not dance or anything like that, we ate dinner, talked a lot, and then each of us stood up to give a present to a teacher and talk about our experiences with the school as a whole. The teachers also talked, and they said that they were going to miss it. Thinking about it now, it is kind of weird to think that I will go no longer go to the classroom, yell good morning to my chemistry teacher (who is always there in the morning), sit down at a computer and just do random stuff as my classmates walk in. But anyways that was that ;D.

The Saturday afterwards was a birthday party for one of my friends. I first went to the english ATARNotes lecture in the morning, where Emily gave us some amazing advice. Unfortunately, I was a bit zoned out as a result of that all-nighter but it was a pretty valuable experience. I will not forget the peptalk Emily gave us of why she worked hard during the holidays. It was really inspiring, and if anyone from the ATARnotes lecture or tutesmart team is reading this, please convey on how that peptalk really changed the way I view work and HSC. Doing it for myself instead of my parents, ambition or that kind of stuff and just purely doing it for myself is a viewpoint I had not really thought about, and it really did change my game. That was awesome, and I am glad I attended the lecture!

Anyways, that night was the birthday party. I was initially not going to go, but later during the day I thought it would be rude if I did not show up. The party started at 6 and ended at midnight. I thought that I would do some sort of study and go at 8 PM, stirring up an agreement with my parents that I will spend 1.5 hrs there. At first it was a bit boring. I danced here and there, talked with one of my friends, and just roamed around. I then started talking to a particular girl, and then we decided to go dance. Some other girls joined us and it was so much fun. It was kind of breaking my comfort zone, since I would not have imagined dancing a few years back. But now dancing and that too with anyone had shown me that I had actually grown as an individual, as strange as that may sound. Back then, I was alway shy, especially of girls, as embarrassing as that sounds ;D. But to actually be relaxed, not shy and be an actual grown up is a remarkable achievement in terms of my personal growth, and I am so glad I did it. We danced the whole night, with little to know breaks. Some classmates of mine were kind of surprised at my doing so, as I would be reserved at school. But they all embraced it, and I embraced it, and I had a hell of a night ;D.

So there's an update. There's some stuff going on right now dominating my thoughts, so I'll do a braindump tomorrow or in the next few days just to get it out of my system. Almost 2800 words this update, probably my longest post yet!

I'm gonna go bed, and I'll update tomorrow with some stuff dominating my thoughts. Hope y'all enjoyed it!

Peaceeee,

R1ckworthy.
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: Bri MT on November 03, 2019, 03:44:47 pm
Any updates? :)
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on November 03, 2019, 03:50:54 pm
Any updates? :)

Haha, will update tomorrow after my maths X1 exam ;D.

Teeeny update: I have been procrastinating. A lot.
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on November 04, 2019, 10:03:56 pm
Hey all,

Feeling a bit crushed by the maths extension 1 exam (not anymore), so I'll do a full in-depth update next week monday :).

So I have chemistry on thursday and physics on monday. My plan is to go through the Atarnotes topic tests first in depth and then do as many trials as I possibly can for both subjects. However, I have been procrastinating so much the past 2 weeks, so we'll see how that goes.

Right now, I'm procrastinating on chemistry by reading up the wiki article on string theory. Pretty cool stuff, but as you can see, not relevant to the course at all :)

I have a ton of plans after HSC. First is to read some books, learn advanced physics and chemistry, learn LATEX and make mock exams for physics and chemistry (maybe maths!), using latex to write these exams. I probably will prepare on tutoring stuff for chemistry and physics as well, such as notes, module tests (hopefully to upload on atarnotes as well for all!!!). I also want to write some science extension exams, so we'll see how that goes. Also want to go to the gym daily, been eating too much junkfood in this exam period :P

Tutoring is inclined on what marks I get, so we'll see how I go. Honestly, I can understand why, but I am going to go for it anyways since I love to teach. Especially maths, I hope to relearn a whole lot of stuff at a deeper level in the holidays for tutoring and making practice exams. I think without the pressure of the hsc, I will be able to relearn topics at a deeper level, and so be able to teach other students. I hope to tutor students that are not high achievers but rather students who are struggling a lot, especially in maths + sciences.  As well as that, I would like to go out with friends, watch movies, all that jazz :).

I'll probably use this journal for updates in the holiday as well (why not ;D) until results day. Right now, I hope to achieve a 90 ATAR, which I am confident on gaining, as I have procrastinated a lot in the HSC period. With a 90 ATAR, I'll get 8 extra atar points from Australian Catholic University ( 3pts for a band 5pts in physics, chem or english + 5 for being located in the area!), from which I'll hopefully get into physio. From there, I hope to solidify good habits and earn a solid GPA, using that to either transfer to undergraduate medicine in the next couple of years (provided I do well on my UCAT) or attempt to gain a place in postgrad med. Either way, getting into physio will be great ;D. I am not too happy with the ATAR I will achieve, since I had placed high expectations on myself. But I am glad to have gone through year 12, or else I would never have learned such valuable lessons. University is going to be really hard but if I can set myself up in good habits (which I did not do in yr12) then hopefully I can start the path to good grades.

Overall, unhappy that these HSC exams are not going too well for me :(. But now I understand why, and how I can prevent future exams from going awry ;D.

Like I said, all of this will be explored much further next week (probably in a video)!!!

Peaceeeee,
R1ckworthy ;D
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on November 08, 2019, 08:47:43 pm
Hey y'all!

Procrastinating on studying for physics so why not a journal entry ;D

So, what's new, you ask?

I now want to go to Western Sydney University to study physiotherapy, for a couple of reasons. Mostly that I am more attracted to a larger uni, while ACU is a smaller uni. As well as that, I would also like to transfer into wsu medicine in the next couple of years (if I get a good UCAT!) so I guess it would be easier?

But alas, due to these HSC exams, I might not be able to get an ATAR > 95 and thus be unable to get into physio at all. This freaked me out one night (night before chemistry!), and put me on edge. However, I quickly reminded myself that physio is not my goal at all. The end goal of all this is to become a doctor, so whatever I do, I should put in the hard work and see what happens ;D

My backup choice would be advanced science at UNSW (or USYD, but unlikely). While it requires a 95 ATAR, I'll get some extra ATAR points that would allow me to get into the course (due to my subjects). Majoring in neuroscience is a real possibility, looking at the different subjects and everything has really attracted me to this major. All subjects sound so interesting, and is the kind of thing that captures my attention. We'll see how it goes!

Also made some plans after HSC. Below is what I would like to do (in decreasing priority):
(1) Join the Gym and go everyday (made a bet with my sister so I have to go everyday!)
(2) Make HSC revision videos. This is what excites me a lot. I hope to get an iPad pro with apple pencil in the upcoming weeks for uni, so I will use that to teach particular concepts that are hard to understand EG. Back and precipitation titrations, gravimetric analysis calculations, spectroscopy questions in chemistry etc. etc. As well as that, I hope to use this channel as a way to document my university journey, so think of it as a study/ revision youtube channel. Got a lot of plans to execute, which I will do in the holidays ;D
(3) Make a game plan for university. Now having gone through year 12, I now understand how I can learn most effectively. I'll probably talk about it in a post after the physics exam.
(4) Read some books. Will let you know which ones!
(5) Hang out with friends and stuff. Explanatory.

Obviously there are more, but I will go into each one in more detail in the next few days (after the physics HSC). Honestly, no matter what degree I choose or what ATAR I get, I am so excited for the future!

Be back after the physics hsc ;D

Peaceeeee,

R1ckworthy.
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: DrDusk on November 09, 2019, 01:48:14 am
Hey y'all!
Procrastinating on studying for physics so why not a journal entry ;D
Go study Physics =(

No but in all seriousness best of luck for Physics, smash it and I hope you get the marks you want =)
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on November 09, 2019, 08:46:02 am
Go study Physics =(

No but in all seriousness best of luck for Physics, smash it and I hope you get the marks you want =)

Thanks! I have already put in the hard work, so itís just a matter of revising module 8 (bit weak on this) and just going through exam questions.

Once again, thank you so much for the kind words! Much needed ;D
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on November 14, 2019, 06:26:05 pm
Hey everyone!

I know, I was supposed to update on Monday but I was so not bothered...

Anyways, here I am, finished with my high school journey!

A few updates:
(1) I have been going to the gym every day- mostly cardio since I need to lose weight, with a bit of arm and chest. Need to start working on legs though, that should be done. Honestly, I haven't done intensive exercise for 1-1.5 years, so I am feeling sore as ever. Seriously, I feel like my arms will fall off :P but whenever I get back to the gym, it goes away. It has been quite some fun, just because I push myself to reach a certain goal every time, which is great.
(2) I have started a youtube channel!- I started it with my friend, so that is pretty excited. We should have two videos by today, so please check it out!
(3) I bought the following books:
- Thinking, fast and slow by Daniel Kahneman- Pretty interesting book, I hope to take some notes on it (which will form a study with me video!)
- Never let me go by Kazuo Ishiguro- I had watched/ read his Nobel lecture of 2017, which seemed to be very interesting. I thought I would read one of his books and see how it goes ;D
- Hitchhiker's Guide to the galaxy by Douglas Adams- No need for explanation ;D

That's that. I watched Lost in Translation yesterday- an amazing movie. Seriously, it is interesting to think about the concepts in the movie, and I have spent quite some time thinking about it. It made me almost consider online dating, so that could be a potential way for me to spend time. I had wanted to do it a lot in the past year, but I am stuck in apprehension for a bit now. I guess we'll see how it goes ;D.
I haven't really done much else, to be honest. Since I am so sore, I sleep in the afternoon and read in the night so that's that. I have spent a lot of time with my friend to set up the youtube channel and Instagram page, so yeah. Nothing else to be honest.

In terms of ATAR, I am not worried at all. I hope to get an ATAR above 85, and with that, I want to pursue neuroscience at UNSW, so yeah. The end goal is always medicine, and even if I don't have the marks now, I need to solidify my habits for university and make sure I give it my all. But that will be a subject for my university journal, which I hope to start as soon as I begin university ;D.


So that's that! I remain excited about the future, just like my last post, so yeah, will update in the next week!

Peaceeeee,

R1ckworthy.

EDIT: Also, here are my updated preferences:
(1) Bachelor of Physiotherapy- Western Sydney University
(2) Bachelor of Physiotherapy- Australian Catholic University
(3) Bachelor of Advanced Science (Honours)- University of New South Wales (hope to major in neuroscience)
(4) Bachelor of Science- University of New South Wales (hope to major in neuroscience)
(5) Bachelor of Advanced Medical Science- Western Sydney University (have some other courses that are valid for HSC true rewards program, but I really hope I won't get into these courses).
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: laura_ on November 14, 2019, 06:30:04 pm
Wow! It sounds like you are having an amazing time! Never Let Me Go looks like a great book. I have been wanting to read it for a while- enjoy!! <3
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: katie,rinos on November 14, 2019, 08:05:22 pm
Congrats on finishing!!  ;D
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on November 14, 2019, 08:34:39 pm
Congrats on finishing!!  ;D
Thanks! It was a tough year but Iím glad I got through it!
Title: Re: The Yr12 journey- a diary I "hope" to update...
Post by: r1ckworthy on November 15, 2019, 10:39:50 pm
Just need to write out my thoughts on something that happened today.

So I was with my dad dropping off my sister to my school, heading off to her school camp for the week. She forgot her pillowcase in the midst of all the excitement, so my dad and I drove back home to get it for her. During the ride, my dad received a phone call from a medical intern, informing him that they had failed an exam. Needless to say, it was a heavy-hearted call.

I asked my dad what it was about. It was about trying to become a specialist in psychiatry, where you need to get high marks in particular exams in order to be recognised as a psychiatrist. The intern (or registrar, I'm not sure) did this exam 4 times over 4 years, and still did not get in.

It was just a huge reminder that medicine, or in fact anything, is a life-long journey and that if you really want something, you must be willing to try as hard as possible and as much as possible. The first sounds fairly regular, everyone who's trying to get into medicine knows that. But what particularly struck me was that if medicine was the path I wanted to take, I must be willing to give it my best shot and try as much as possible. That means giving my whole heart to the process and having the knowledge that I might not get in this year.

So no matter what degree I take or what ATAR I get, I must be willing to try again and again. Medicine is a life long journey, and no matter how many setbacks I experience, I must be willing to keep going.

It's like this: a farmer who sows a seed will not expect it to fully grow in one day, or any short period of time. They must nurture it, through droughts and floods and whatever harsh season, and let it blossom. I hope I remember this whenever I encounter failure or a setback. Every effort I make from now one is like me sowing a seed and in order to commit to such a career as medicine, I must be willing to nurture it until it blossoms.

So yeah, I just needed to unload a bit. That phone call was pretty heavy, so I am glad I have witnessed it.

Until next time,
R1ckworthy.