ATAR Notes: Forum

VCE Stuff => Victorian Education Discussion => The VCE Journey Journal => Topic started by: w0lfqu33n89 on January 11, 2019, 01:38:38 am

Title: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on January 11, 2019, 01:38:38 am
EDIT: such a clutz! see the "problematic journal" part? well just posted this in the complete wrong section on this site. yay me! living up to my own expectations....NOT! anyways read on, or don't, your choice :)

Hey AN! (that's the slang people seem to be using on this...imma roll with it!)

My name is Lexie, I start year 10 this year (dear god pls if your a year 12 pls don't crush me, for being on this site!)

I have always wanted to have a blog, a safe place, a place to be myself free of judgement. how can I do that? *grins to herself* BY BEING ANONYMOUS! I have had all these ad's and stuff popping up in my instagram and facebook feed about ATAR notes, and now need some Biology study guide recommended through AN, so I am like you know what why not?

Has anyone read the series "Girl Online?" written by Zoe Sugg, probably more known for her vlogs on Youtube? shoutout to her, she is my inspiration! For those of you who haven't read the books, basically she has an anonymous blog, at first she thinks nothing of it, basically an online journal, she eventually becomes well known and then her blog is famous! soon after she is revealed as the girl behind the screen. To get to the point she is just your average coffee drinking, drama filled, anxious, makeup covered teenage girl. Like most girls. Right? well... maybe.

anyways, at the start I started to relate to her a lot, minus the rockstar boyfriend, house near the beach, Saturday family breakfasts, and a mother who sells wedding dresses for a living. she loves art, photography mostly, she likes her life behind the camera, not on screen. she has her ups and downs, she definitely has her drama and boy problems, and she has her gay best friend Elliot. Sounds a little too cliche, right? But most girls dream of that kind of life, so Zoe, I drink to you, not many stories can get to me the way yours did, and now look at where I am. To conclude this first journal entry. (yeesh that sounded like one of my worthy of only a C essay's!), here are 5 reasons I started this journal.

1. I have always wanted to make one
2. I am going to need some serious study help, school help and just between you and me (my school kinda sucks at the 'help' part)
3. im a teen, im gonna need a place I feel safe and to escape to, so, hi guys!
4. I have heard nothing but great stuff from this site and its great community, I hope I can be accepted.
5. Ok, so I didn't think good enough past number 4, so hopefully this is a nice comical way to end this.

Lex Out xx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Aaron on January 11, 2019, 02:57:59 am
Welcome to ATAR Notes Lexie - we definitely like to see younger students on here... In fact, over the past couple of years I have seen an increase in the # of middle secondary students joining and participating (Years 9-10.. some even younger). Definitely would recommend having a look at the sub-forums dedicated to this.. and you've managed to find the Year 10 one already, which is fantastic.

Please get involved with our great community - we welcome you with open arms.

Good luck!
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on January 11, 2019, 10:58:56 am
Thanks Aaron! Will definitely have a look! :)
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on January 12, 2019, 06:30:04 pm
So, I'm new...annnnd we don't really know much about each other. Well I don't with you guys. Tell me a bit about yourselves.

Where ya from?
What are your interests?
What makes you most happy?
What do you want to achieve and be in your life?

I'll start...

I am from Victoria.

My interests are reading, sleeping, walking, being social and being helpful in any way is can

What makes me most happy would certainly be puppy dogs, sitting beside water with a good book under a tree, my friends and shopping.

Like 70% of most teen girls, I want to travel Europe and see the world, but I also want to dedicate my life helping people in need, or helping anything in anyway I can to improve or make it better.
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on January 17, 2019, 10:02:22 pm
Woah! my last post did score some points didn't it! (bursts into fit of laughter). nah its all good. Anyways, I am going out tomorrow, I have 16 resumes and 16 references printed, in folders ready to go, bad thing is, I have exactly 7 places I want to apply for a job. So now I handball it to you guys! where do you work? where is a good place for a first job? any tips for interviews? help of any sort would be great xxx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Bri MT on January 17, 2019, 11:01:13 pm
Woah! my last post did score some points didn't it! (bursts into fit of laughter). nah its all good. Anyways, I am going out tomorrow, I have 16 resumes and 16 references printed, in folders ready to go, bad thing is, I have exactly 7 places I want to apply for a job. So now I handball it to you guys! where do you work? where is a good place for a first job? any tips for interviews? help of any sort would be great xxx

I read it, clicked away thinking "hmm I'll think about it and answer later" annnnd completely forgot. So my apologies for that

my responses
I'm from Vic too.

I love immersing myself in nature, am an avid reader, and am also an altruistic keen learner. Unsurprisingly, these things make me happy - as do my friends.


The most important things to me are that I follow my values (my top 2 are empathy and determination) & moral compass. Careerwise, I hope to expand not just my knowledge of the ocean but also the world's knowledge of marine environments too.

If you're interested in getting to know other regular ANers reading and responding to their journals would probably help a lot :)


Hmm..

can't really think of many job places aside from the standard retail, fastfood jobs


For interviews, it's a good idea to practice how you'll respond to common questions eg "what would your friends/classmates say about you?" "what's your greatest weakness/strength?" as well as thinking of examples of when you've demonstrated things like teamwork, initiative etc.  researchng the place you're applying for as also a good idea too!


Good luck :)
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: lacitam on January 17, 2019, 11:12:44 pm
Woah! my last post did score some points didn't it! (bursts into fit of laughter). nah its all good. Anyways, I am going out tomorrow, I have 16 resumes and 16 references printed, in folders ready to go, bad thing is, I have exactly 7 places I want to apply for a job. So now I handball it to you guys! where do you work? where is a good place for a first job? any tips for interviews? help of any sort would be great xxx
i work at woolworths and cashier is probably the most stale job in the world. other than the job being boring, everything's alright (except for rush hour. oh god i hate this moment)
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on January 18, 2019, 02:19:00 am
I read it, clicked away thinking "hmm I'll think about it and answer later" annnnd completely forgot. So my apologies for that

my responses
I'm from Vic too.

I love immersing myself in nature, am an avid reader, and am also an altruistic keen learner. Unsurprisingly, these things make me happy - as do my friends.


The most important things to me are that I follow my values (my top 2 are empathy and determination) & moral compass. Careerwise, I hope to expand not just my knowledge of the ocean but also the world's knowledge of marine environments too.

If you're interested in getting to know other regular ANers reading and responding to their journals would probably help a lot :)


Hmm..

can't really think of many job places aside from the standard retail, fastfood jobs


For interviews, it's a good idea to practice how you'll respond to common questions eg "what would your friends/classmates say about you?" "what's your greatest weakness/strength?" as well as thinking of examples of when you've demonstrated things like teamwork, initiative etc.  researchng the place you're applying for as also a good idea too!


Good luck :)

Haha, no need to feel bad, hmm, sounds like we have quite a bit in common! love your nickname btw....oh wait! hey I see a connection there haha!
yeah, still trying to find my way around the place, I will keep trying! haha I am pretty clueless with foreign things  ::).
thank you for your reply and help xx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on January 18, 2019, 02:21:37 am
i work at woolworths and cashier is probably the most stale job in the world. other than the job being boring, everything's alright (except for rush hour. oh god i hate this moment)

Thanks lacitam! yeah, helped out at a footy canteen once, did not know what stress was until rush hour hit! thank you! x
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on January 19, 2019, 09:27:27 pm
Who here has seen the movie Bohemian Rhapsody?

I saw it for the 2nd time this arvo and mateeeeee! Am I the only one who smiles, laughs, cries, sings, bops to the beat and get goose bumps from this movie? I absolutely love it. Best movie that has come out in forever! If you haven't seen it. YOU MUST SEE IT! even if your not a queen fan. Just the story behind it all is beyond amazing!

What did you guys think of it?
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on January 25, 2019, 04:46:06 pm
heyo!!

me again....

I start school really soon and am studying "To Kill a Mockingbird" in English. From past year 10's who have had to study this, is it worth prereading? like before school starts? will it help me understand more or is it not really worth it? ....and yes I know prereading isn't a word, roll with it  ;D
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Joseph41 on January 25, 2019, 05:05:09 pm
Hey Lexie, it's really great to have you here! :) Have enjoyed your posts so far. How are you finding the heat today? Haha.

So, I'm new...annnnd we don't really know much about each other. Well I don't with you guys. Tell me a bit about yourselves.

Where ya from?
What are your interests?
What makes you most happy?
What do you want to achieve and be in your life?

I'll start...

I am from Victoria.

My interests are reading, sleeping, walking, being social and being helpful in any way is can

What makes me most happy would certainly be puppy dogs, sitting beside water with a good book under a tree, my friends and shopping.

Like 70% of most teen girls, I want to travel Europe and see the world, but I also want to dedicate my life helping people in need, or helping anything in anyway I can to improve or make it better.

I'm from Victoria, too! I enjoy sport, design and reading. What type of books do you like best? I also love playing with my puppy! His name is Neville. 🐶

heyo!!

me again....

I start school really soon and am studying "To Kill a Mockingbird" in English. From past year 10's who have had to study this, is it worth prereading? like before school starts? will it help me understand more or is it not really worth it? ....and yes I know prereading isn't a word, roll with it  ;D

How are you feeling about school going back?

In terms of To Kill A Mockingbird, there's no harm in giving it a bit of a read! I wouldn't stress too much about it either way, but I'd encourage you to give it a shot - I actually think it's a pretty enjoyable book! Haha.

Looking forward to your next post. :)
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: AngelWings on January 25, 2019, 06:05:52 pm
I start school really soon and am studying "To Kill a Mockingbird" in English. From past year 10's who have had to study this, is it worth prereading? like before school starts? will it help me understand more or is it not really worth it? ....and yes I know prereading isn't a word, roll with it  ;D
I remember studying this a long time ago (like Year 8 ). My recommendation for TKAM is to start at Chapter 7, read to end and come back and read from the start to Chapter 7. This method actually gives you everything in sequence. (And yes, it's probably worth a short read through to understand the setting of the book.)
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: lm21074 on January 25, 2019, 06:19:33 pm
So, I'm new...annnnd we don't really know much about each other. Well I don't with you guys. Tell me a bit about yourselves.

Where ya from?
What are your interests?
What makes you most happy?
What do you want to achieve and be in your life?

I'll start...

I am from Victoria.

My interests are reading, sleeping, walking, being social and being helpful in any way is can

What makes me most happy would certainly be puppy dogs, sitting beside water with a good book under a tree, my friends and shopping.

Like 70% of most teen girls, I want to travel Europe and see the world, but I also want to dedicate my life helping people in need, or helping anything in anyway I can to improve or make it better.
Hi Lexie! Just read through your journal so far and I'm looking forward to your future posts! :)

my responses
I'm also from Vic and I'm in Year 10. I like science, animals, and surrounding myself with good people. I think the things you've listed are pretty lit too. 8)
Like you, I'd like to travel the world and maybe go interrailing around Europe. :)
Overall, I think what you wrote really sums up what I want to achieve:
I also want to dedicate my life helping people in need, or helping anything in anyway I can to improve or make it better.
 

Any specific places in Europe you'd like to see?

Good luck for the job applications and I hope school treats you well!  :)



P.S. TKAM is a great book. I think you'll enjoy it!
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Yertle the Turtle on January 25, 2019, 06:23:39 pm
So, I'm new...annnnd we don't really know much about each other. Well I don't with you guys. Tell me a bit about yourselves.

Where ya from?
What are your interests?
What makes you most happy?
What do you want to achieve and be in your life?

I'll start...

I am from Victoria.

My interests are reading, sleeping, walking, being social and being helpful in any way is can

What makes me most happy would certainly be puppy dogs, sitting beside water with a good book under a tree, my friends and shopping.

Like 70% of most teen girls, I want to travel Europe and see the world, but I also want to dedicate my life helping people in need, or helping anything in anyway I can to improve or make it better.
Hey Lexie!
Nice to meet you!
About me
I also am one of the special people who consider Victoria their home (though at present in India ::) )
I am extremely interested in life, though I'm not sure I'd miss it if I didn't have it. :P My serious interests are in nature, practical philosophy and the true sciences (Physics and Chemistry). I also make a habit of studying the people around me, which is quite a good hobby, in my opinion. I also spend copious amounts of time drawing, as well as following my other major hobby, which I share with you: sleeping.
I find myself happiest at times when I'm around my close friends and family, as well as when wandering in nature, particularly in places like the Grampians. I must agree with you also about being around puppies, I think you'd have to be the grouchiest person to not feel happy around them.
In life I just want to be happy with people who I get on well with, and I would love to visit a) the UK b) Yellowstone and c) the Alps.

I really look forward to reading about your journey, good luck for this year, and as you head on in life :D
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on January 25, 2019, 07:33:37 pm
Hey Lexie, it's really great to have you here! :) Have enjoyed your posts so far. How are you finding the heat today? Haha.

I'm from Victoria, too! I enjoy sport, design and reading. What type of books do you like best? I also love playing with my puppy! His name is Neville. 🐶

How are you feeling about school going back?

In terms of To Kill A Mockingbird, there's no harm in giving it a bit of a read! I wouldn't stress too much about it either way, but I'd encourage you to give it a shot - I actually think it's a pretty enjoyable book! Haha.

Looking forward to your next post. :)

Hey Joseph! aw thanks! the heat? meh, it was quite hot but I was spending most of it infront of my aircon doing holiday homework, because you know everyone leaves it to last minute!  ;)

ayyyy! love a good bookworm like me! honestly anything, but I am a sucker for romance and suspense, and books where there is challenge and suspense. How bout you?

neville, such a cute name!

I am actually quite excited for school to go back if I am honest, miss the routine and my friends, but not looking forward to the early mornings and late nights doing homework  :(

Ok, thanks for the advice, might give it a good crack before the school year!

Thankyou for your comment! x

I remember studying this a long time ago (like Year 8 ). My recommendation for TKAM is to start at Chapter 7, read to end and come back and read from the start to Chapter 7. This method actually gives you everything in sequence. (And yes, it's probably worth a short read through to understand the setting of the book.)

AngelWings! we meet again my friend! wow, I am doing it in year 10, that makes me feel much better  ;D. Thankyou so much. I will definitely try that method. xx

Hi Lexie! Just read through your journal so far and I'm looking forward to your future posts! :)

my responses
I'm also from Vic and I'm in Year 10. I like science, animals, and surrounding myself with good people. I think the things you've listed are pretty lit too. 8)
Like you, I'd like to travel the world and maybe go interrailing around Europe. :)
Overall, I think what you wrote really sums up what I want to achieve:   

Any specific places in Europe you'd like to see?

Good luck for the job applications and I hope school treats you well!  :)



P.S. TKAM is a great book. I think you'll enjoy it!


omg, have I found myself a lost lost twin!!?? Defidently France, Italy, UK, Netherlands and Sweden. (there is many more but imma keep it short!).
I am finally glad to meet someone like me on AN.

Thankyou, out of all 15 places and 1 week on, I have had 1 response, and it was a rejection  :-\, oh well, shit happens.  :)

Thankyou so much for your sweet reply, I also hope school starts well for you, and if you ever wanna talk Europe, I'm ya gal! ;D
x

Hey Lexie!
Nice to meet you!
About me
I also am one of the special people who consider Victoria their home (though at present in India ::) )
I am extremely interested in life, though I'm not sure I'd miss it if I didn't have it. :P My serious interests are in nature, practical philosophy and the true sciences (Physics and Chemistry). I also make a habit of studying the people around me, which is quite a good hobby, in my opinion. I also spend copious amounts of time drawing, as well as following my other major hobby, which I share with you: sleeping.
I find myself happiest at times when I'm around my close friends and family, as well as when wandering in nature, particularly in places like the Grampians. I must agree with you also about being around puppies, I think you'd have to be the grouchiest person to not feel happy around them.
In life I just want to be happy with people who I get on well with, and I would love to visit a) the UK b) Yellowstone and c) the Alps.

I really look forward to reading about your journey, good luck for this year, and as you head on in life :D


Hey YT! damn you sound very smart! studying people! now that is something we share, I enjoy watching people enjoy themselves or just in general and wonder where they are going, what they are thinking and all weird creepy things like that! (not a stalker I swear! :P)

haha you can never go wrong with sleep!
and puppies!!!!! Heres a question... if you don't like puppies are you even human?
Uk, definitely! and I have read heaps of books about the Alps and my friend travelled there last year, very beautiful place.

Thankyou for reading my journal! good luck to you to! x

Mod Edit: Merged four posts. Please refrain from chainposting :)
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on January 26, 2019, 12:12:02 am
Time for an update! (well I think it is because there is only so many rounds of pool you can play on a laptop before you start to get bored).
How are people feeling about school starting back? Did my annual office works shop the other day (frikin best ritual ever!). The one think you get to customise yourself and express yourself with in school is your stationary. literally. At school I feel your stationary is what makes you you. its what separates you from everyone else. yeah that's cheesy, but when you think about it, everyone has to wear the same uniform, therefore looking the same. your school bags are separated into 2 categories, 1. the actual schoolbag, because you want to avoid back problems and like all the secret compartments to stash your maccas money  :P or 2. your branded, tiny, bags that can't hold a folder but makes you 'fit in'. your stationary is the only thing you have proper control over! so a meter long receipt later, I get to customise my pencil case, making it all nice and new, even though you know in 3 months it will be Mary Poppins handbag and you can't find your favourite pen, and you have pencil sharpens all down the bottom, and your rubber is now black, oh, and domino forget the massive ink dot you have because your sharpie decided to have gastro!

but anyways, its still fun.
making up folders and counting them all and thinking "how the fuck will I get all that to school on the first day."

anyways, lets actually get to the point where we find out that this post actually does have a purpose!

holidays!!!!!!

how was everyones holidays? For all those victorians, how did you manage the heat today!?
My holidays started great, had my annual, xmas party where people talk so loud, and we eat our feelings + more. we put on those 2 xmas kilograms!  >:(.
then xmas day, I had a quiet one, just a few of us, then I went away for 2 weeks to NSW. Went to the beach, came back. cleaned out my room, and I don't mean a 30 minute clean till it looks Pinterest worthy, I mean realise you have 3 garbage bags full of shit you don't need! Im not actually sure I am happy because I will make some kids day with all my old clothes and toys or ashamed because I had so much shit!  :P.
caught up with some of my mates. And now, I am at the staying up till 3, sleeping till 12, starting last minute homework, getting bored and doing random shit you have never been seen doing before.

todays good news! we think the alpaca next door is starting to give birth, we have been watching it all afternoon and doing research. according to DR. Google our patient is in early stages of 'alpaca' labour. I am unsure wether to stay up all night making sure she is ok or to go to sleep and hope all goes well. its better to leave it naturally, but I am a little scared something may go wrong. the last baby this alpaca had got taken by a fox. ( >:() so I really hope this one makes it. hopefully the heatwave we suffered today hasn't affected the birth.

anyways here is my word vomit for the day!

Lexie outttttt
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on January 28, 2019, 10:05:05 pm
This one is pretty deep, just a warning. No, its not a cry for attention, its more a this is a safe place, no-one knows me and I can be myself because honestly this is the only place I do.

yeah, you may hate me because I am a newbie here and omg she is already opening up and thinking she belongs here. and I hate to make anyone feel that way. I guess for a long time I have wanted somewhere to belong.

this is a bit of my story I guess.


Have you ever felt alone? Or almost alone?

Ever since I started high school I have never felt like I fit in anywhere. I suddenly care what everyone thinks of me. I care about how I look, how I sound, its even to the point I change my words around people. Wether its just social anxiety or something I wouldnt have a clue.
Everyday I feel is the same routine over and over again. I like routine, but I like a fun routine.

My high school life is basically moving from class to class, putting on a smile and talking to people you really don't like, going to a locker where you get pushed and shoved and get sick of it and wait for all the dicks to get there stuff and go so you get there a little late, recess, same place same friends.
idk. My friends are great, but I can't seem to open up and tell them. I hang around guys more, they are so much more chill and there is no drama and sensitivity (no offence to you girls) and don't get me wrong, I have some pretty amazing girlfriends. my friendship group mostly consists of a total of 6 people. lets number them.
1. This friend has autism and really bad anxiety, I love them to bits, I am always there for them and help them with there problems and stress, people tease us and call me his mum because apparently I wrap him up in cotton wool. but he is a fragile person, that's ok. but it seems whenever I need him he cant handle the pressure and stress, which is ok, I understand, but sometimes I wish I could just open my heart or rant, but ik I cant.
2. pretty sure there a sociopath, the kind of person who won't respond to your messages until a week later, leaves a read receipt on day 3 and responds day 7. in school hours, is socially awkward and more insecure then all teen girls combined. is a great help when you need, but only on the rarest of occasions he is there. also quite selfish and always plays the victim card
3. Is seriously messed up, Im talking mental hospital for 2 weeks, drugs, dodgy boyfriends, dodgy mum, is always just not quite right, goes through a lot of shit and pretends its ok. I have so much sympathy for her, if I am honest I pity her a bit. we have been through some rough patches and I wouldnt trust her with anything, but I am always here for her. because ik her life is shitty and she cant do it on her own.
4. This one is Interesting, I have always been friendly with this one, we got closer on a school trip when we both had shit going on and needed some support. then she got clingy, and then she was telling me about every little problem that happens and things I am superwoman and can fix everything. she has been struggling with her sexuality for awhile and cops a lot of shit from kids at school, I love her but sometimes she is just too much.
5. 70% sure she has depression. she moved to my school and we instantly became best friends. she has my back I have hers. she tells me everything, to a certain point. its like she wants me to know but doesn't quite trust me, she has told me a lot about her past and is bisexual. her parents are mad religious and her dad always makes up jokes about gay people and how he hates them. she is so hurt and I feel so bad for her.
6. Number 6 I don't even know If I can call a friend. talking to them never feels right. like we are Venus and mars. I don't understand them. they go in cycles, and they never learn from their mistakes. there mind is a broken record. they freak all the time, they worry way to much, and so many times I have wanted to walk away from it. so many times. but they struggle In life.

Am I judging these amazing people, no. but I always feel that I put my all in them, into helping and supporting them and being there for them. but they are never really here for me. its like I have to fight my battles alone, but I don't have a weapon. like I am their friend but I feel like I am in a whole different room to them, but I am watching, and hearing what they say but I am ignored. I just feel so alone sometimes. I have all these people around me but still. like I am doing everything on my own.

I have been telling people all summer that I cant wait to get back to school. truth is. I don't want to go back there again. I don't get bullied, I do have friends I just feel lonely at school, and at home. idk who I am, or who I want to be. I know what I want to become with my life, but seriously doubt I am capable. I want to be successful and happy and travel, but I don't have the tools for it.

maybe its just a hormonal thing, but for so long all I have wanted is my independence, I dream for the day I look in the mirror and think "damn girl looking chic" but I look in the mirror and go "omg no, what are you". I dream of the day I am not judged, and I can not give a shit what people think. but I do.

my primary school days were my freedom. I had a group of friends, we were so close, so so close. we would sit on the school deck not caring about what food we had, not caring about how we look, how we do our hair, how fit we are, how many pimples we have.

in high school? you worry about everything. your hair, what food you eat, the way you dress, the money you have, the way people see you, everything. since high school I have become the most insecure, stressed, sad person I know. and nothing has happened to make it happen. it just did.

even my grades. I am no A grade student. I struggle in nearly everything, math I practically fail, English I average a C, science the only thing I understand is biology.

I feel like I used to know who I was and now I don't even understand myself anymore. like I am watching myself live through a camera lens.

idk, more word vomit I guess. no I am not hoping to spark attention from this and I don't want people feeling sorry for me.

like I mentioned at the start, I am just writing what I feel, what comes to my mind. ik I haven't even here a while, but I am spending heaps of time here and I am so happy to be apart of this little community. I have already gotten personal messages about things I have mentioned to help, and the people here are so nice, I might even make some friends here. some proper ones. I am loving this place and I feel safe to write, because noone knows me, and I don't know anyone on here.

anyways. thanks for reading this I guess.

I have a habit of writing some weird random stuff.

thank you for everyones support so far, you guys are honestly amazing
-Lexie xx :)
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: PhoenixxFire on January 28, 2019, 11:28:26 pm
yeah, you may hate me because I am a newbie here and omg she is already opening up and thinking she belongs here. and I hate to make anyone feel that way. I guess for a long time I have wanted somewhere to belong.
There's nothing you could say here that would make us hate you. You do belong here - don't doubt that.

What you've written here sounds incredibly similar to how I felt in year 10 and 11. It got to the point where at the end of year 11 I started distancing myself from a lot of my friends because it was just too stressful to be around them - not that I'm saying that's what you should do, it's just what I did.

I guess something you should try and remember is that you're not responsible for anyone else. That might sound kind of harsh, and it's totally fine to want to help other people, but if it's getting to the point where that's hurting you then sometimes you just need to take a step back.

From what you've said it sounds like you're trying to figure out who you are. Back when I was in year 10 I tried to do that by being alone a lot, I used to go riding my bike around the city, or just go exploring areas I hadn't been to - much to my mum's annoyance haha -  and it helped at the time, being away from people who knew me. By being around strangers I could really try and figure out who I wanted to be without being confined by how people expected me to act.

Obviously that's really hard to do in high school. I thought I'd figured out how to be me in year 12 - but really I hadn't, even just being out of school for a few months has helped.

in high school? you worry about everything. your hair, what food you eat, the way you dress, the money you have, the way people see you, everything. since high school I have become the most insecure, stressed, sad person I know. and nothing has happened to make it happen. it just did.
Despite how much it seems like everyone is judging you, really the majority of people are too busy worrying about themselves. Something I said in year 11 - originally out of anger, but I still stand by it - was something along the lines of 'you're going to find something to hate about me anyway, I'm only going to change me if I'm annoying myself.' That's easier said than done, but really, no matter what you do there's going to be someone who'll hate your hair, or your clothes, or your makeup, or the way you walk, and there's no point trying to please everyone - you won't succeed.

I'd encourage you to spend some time thinking about who you want to be - not what other people want you to be, or how you want others to perceive you - but what makes you comfortable and what makes you feel like yourself (if that makes any sense). Don't expect to figure it out straight away - it takes ages, but if you give it a bit of time and try a lot of different things eventually you'll start to figure out what makes you feel good - whether that's what clothes you like, or how you act, or any other variable.

It can certainly help to write down how you're feeling - both to force yourself to think about it, and to get a perspective from others on it and it's really great that you feel safe enough here to do that - and I hope you know that you're welcome to write down how you're feeling at any time, there'll be no judgement from us.

You might also find it helpful to talk to a teacher or your school's welfare department - I know you've said you appreciate the anonymity on here, if that's also the case with talking to adults then Kids Helpline have a phone number (1800 55 1800) which you can call anytime - they can be pretty helpful ^-^
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: mango8 on January 29, 2019, 01:08:16 am

this is a bit of my story I guess.

hey there.

Firstly, no one hates you here, from what Iíve read from all your earlier journal posts, you are a bright and beautiful soul. We all want to belong somewhere, and for some of us, it takes a long while until we finally feel at peace with who we are and who we are surrounding ourselves with. You will always have a place here, everyone who comes here does. You matter, donít ever doubt that.

High school is often filled with many fake, toxic people who bring you down and there very few people who are genuine. From my experience (this is a small proportion of people compared to the real world), girls, can really be too much, judgemental, slanderous and addicted to gossip and posting millions of pictures for attention, to get validation they so desperately seek, because deep down, theyíre insecure. Guys, on the other hand, are a thousand times better and so much easier to talk to and you actually can enjoy spending time with them. And high school at the end of the day, is such a tiny part of your life, that will be so insignificant in a few years. You will find your place, and your people. We all change so much throughout life and only really find ourselves much later, our true selves emerge when we find our people and are comfortable being our true selves.

I understand what you mean completely. I just wrote all about that, I know what itís like to give your all and always be there for people, only to get the bare minimum or nothing in return. To keep trying and trying but waiting for someone to fight for me and love me the way I do them. People donít get that you can be surrounded by crowds of people, many whom you may consider friends and still always be on the precipice, like youíre watching everything through glass and you arenít being seen. And you have to remember, you canít solve everyoneís problems because youíll just burn out. You can only do the best you can but you canít be expected to give your everything all the time, it drains you, so for those people who really matter, let them know you care but that you canít always be there to carry all their emotional baggage because then youíll have nothing left. You need to look after you first.

You are capable and you can do anything. You have a fire inside of you and you will make amazing things happen. There will come a day when what people think doesnít matter and you just wonít care anymore. Anyone who acts like nothing bothers them and they have such impenetrably thick skin and nothing can get to them is just lying to themselves, itís just a shield to protect them from getting hurt, they put on the tough act, but really they hurt more than those who are Ďthin-skinnedí.

One day you will look in the mirror and smile and love yourself and just be who you are when you figure out who that is. All this high school stuff, itís all temporary. All those toxic people who we spend so much attention on, they wonít get anywhere in life, they wonít mean anything, because you donít get anywhere by poisoning others around you, itís people like you Lexie, who will be remembered in life. A time will come in a few years when youíll find people who see your light and value and appreciate and adore and love you and wonít be able to imagine their world without you.

In the meantime, you will find people here who understand and care about you. Writing is extremely beneficial to let all the thoughts and feelings bogged down in our mind out and it means we can also try to offer our views and help out. Do all the things that bring you joy everyday and spend lots of time with dogs, who never judge you or care about who you are or how you speak or dress or look, all they want is you and your heart and thatís why dogs are the best thing to exist in this world because dogs are so pure and beautiful and perfect and will always love you. 

Hold on until then sweetie, this isnít forever, we are rooting for you.




Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: YangChiFan on January 29, 2019, 01:45:56 am
It's totally fine to be feeling what you're experiencing now.

As mentioned before from the other posts, high school is really filled with toxic and fake people.
As a fun anecdote, I remember in year 8, there were a group of girls that kept on bullying me. I never did anything but take their shit for the whole year. Anyways, fast forward a bit and I finally asked why they were doing the shit they did to me, and their reply was something really bullshit (can't remember too much) All my male 'friends' didn't really do anything even though they saw me always getting hurt, so I just disassociated myself with them. Follow up, the girls did kinda make amends with me (I even dated one of them, which later on sparked an unpleasant rumour throughout my whole entire cohort, but that's for another story).

I definitely experienced what you were feeling back in high school. I was self-conscious about myself and I always thought people were talking about me behind my back. You just need time to know who you really are with the help of elders or any other means. It gets better soon, I promise.
All the best.
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on January 29, 2019, 02:27:08 pm
hey there.

Firstly, no one hates you here, from what Iíve read from all your earlier journal posts, you are a bright and beautiful soul. We all want to belong somewhere, and for some of us, it takes a long while until we finally feel at peace with who we are and who we are surrounding ourselves with. You will always have a place here, everyone who comes here does. You matter, donít ever doubt that.

High school is often filled with many fake, toxic people who bring you down and there very few people who are genuine. From my experience (this is a small proportion of people compared to the real world), girls, can really be too much, judgemental, slanderous and addicted to gossip and posting millions of pictures for attention, to get validation they so desperately seek, because deep down, theyíre insecure. Guys, on the other hand, are a thousand times better and so much easier to talk to and you actually can enjoy spending time with them. And high school at the end of the day, is such a tiny part of your life, that will be so insignificant in a few years. You will find your place, and your people. We all change so much throughout life and only really find ourselves much later, our true selves emerge when we find our people and are comfortable being our true selves.

I understand what you mean completely. I just wrote all about that, I know what itís like to give your all and always be there for people, only to get the bare minimum or nothing in return. To keep trying and trying but waiting for someone to fight for me and love me the way I do them. People donít get that you can be surrounded by crowds of people, many whom you may consider friends and still always be on the precipice, like youíre watching everything through glass and you arenít being seen. And you have to remember, you canít solve everyoneís problems because youíll just burn out. You can only do the best you can but you canít be expected to give your everything all the time, it drains you, so for those people who really matter, let them know you care but that you canít always be there to carry all their emotional baggage because then youíll have nothing left. You need to look after you first.

You are capable and you can do anything. You have a fire inside of you and you will make amazing things happen. There will come a day when what people think doesnít matter and you just wonít care anymore. Anyone who acts like nothing bothers them and they have such impenetrably thick skin and nothing can get to them is just lying to themselves, itís just a shield to protect them from getting hurt, they put on the tough act, but really they hurt more than those who are Ďthin-skinnedí.

One day you will look in the mirror and smile and love yourself and just be who you are when you figure out who that is. All this high school stuff, itís all temporary. All those toxic people who we spend so much attention on, they wonít get anywhere in life, they wonít mean anything, because you donít get anywhere by poisoning others around you, itís people like you Lexie, who will be remembered in life. A time will come in a few years when youíll find people who see your light and value and appreciate and adore and love you and wonít be able to imagine their world without you.

In the meantime, you will find people here who understand and care about you. Writing is extremely beneficial to let all the thoughts and feelings bogged down in our mind out and it means we can also try to offer our views and help out. Do all the things that bring you joy everyday and spend lots of time with dogs, who never judge you or care about who you are or how you speak or dress or look, all they want is you and your heart and thatís why dogs are the best thing to exist in this world because dogs are so pure and beautiful and perfect and will always love you. 

Hold on until then sweetie, this isnít forever, we are rooting for you.

Thankyou Mango8! Your kind words really made me see a different perspective, I guess sometimes we are all like a baby bird struggling to stay on the branch and need a bit of guidance sometimes. after reading that, I am out of the 'this is high school make it count' mind and in the 'after this I can be 100% me' mind. Thankyou so much. especially using some of your time to write such a sweet message like that. Love your name btw! I love mangoes!! hopefully I will see you around here xx

It's totally fine to be feeling what you're experiencing now.

As mentioned before from the other posts, high school is really filled with toxic and fake people.
As a fun anecdote, I remember in year 8, there were a group of girls that kept on bullying me. I never did anything but take their shit for the whole year. Anyways, fast forward a bit and I finally asked why they were doing the shit they did to me, and their reply was something really bullshit (can't remember too much) All my male 'friends' didn't really do anything even though they saw me always getting hurt, so I just disassociated myself with them. Follow up, the girls did kinda make amends with me (I even dated one of them, which later on sparked an unpleasant rumour throughout my whole entire cohort, but that's for another story).

I definitely experienced what you were feeling back in high school. I was self-conscious about myself and I always thought people were talking about me behind my back. You just need time to know who you really are with the help of elders or any other means. It gets better soon, I promise.
All the best.

Thanks for replying YanChiFan!

I myself have been through a similar experience, well not similar as in what happened but more the forgive people and then get hurt by them again. and guess what, it was a girl! I guess some people never change. I am so sorry you had to go through that alone, it sucks none of your 'friends' helped out and just watched from the sidelines.
I am also one to know about rumours, I had one spread about me in year 9. seemingly as a rumour goes around it changes a lot. it got to the point even year 7's knew. I struggled for a long time because it wasn't something I would ever do or even did, but my real friends stuck beside me and believed my story because they knew who I was and didn't fall for anyone else's bs.

Yes! I always feel like people are watching my every move just waiting to use something against me, and people talking behind my back.

Thankyou for the hope! and again, for taking the time to read and reply to this. You guys are all so nice xxx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on January 29, 2019, 02:38:56 pm
There's nothing you could say here that would make us hate you. You do belong here - don't doubt that.

What you've written here sounds incredibly similar to how I felt in year 10 and 11. It got to the point where at the end of year 11 I started distancing myself from a lot of my friends because it was just too stressful to be around them - not that I'm saying that's what you should do, it's just what I did.

I guess something you should try and remember is that you're not responsible for anyone else. That might sound kind of harsh, and it's totally fine to want to help other people, but if it's getting to the point where that's hurting you then sometimes you just need to take a step back.

From what you've said it sounds like you're trying to figure out who you are. Back when I was in year 10 I tried to do that by being alone a lot, I used to go riding my bike around the city, or just go exploring areas I hadn't been to - much to my mum's annoyance haha -  and it helped at the time, being away from people who knew me. By being around strangers I could really try and figure out who I wanted to be without being confined by how people expected me to act.

Obviously that's really hard to do in high school. I thought I'd figured out how to be me in year 12 - but really I hadn't, even just being out of school for a few months has helped.
Despite how much it seems like everyone is judging you, really the majority of people are too busy worrying about themselves. Something I said in year 11 - originally out of anger, but I still stand by it - was something along the lines of 'you're going to find something to hate about me anyway, I'm only going to change me if I'm annoying myself.' That's easier said than done, but really, no matter what you do there's going to be someone who'll hate your hair, or your clothes, or your makeup, or the way you walk, and there's no point trying to please everyone - you won't succeed.

I'd encourage you to spend some time thinking about who you want to be - not what other people want you to be, or how you want others to perceive you - but what makes you comfortable and what makes you feel like yourself (if that makes any sense). Don't expect to figure it out straight away - it takes ages, but if you give it a bit of time and try a lot of different things eventually you'll start to figure out what makes you feel good - whether that's what clothes you like, or how you act, or any other variable.

It can certainly help to write down how you're feeling - both to force yourself to think about it, and to get a perspective from others on it and it's really great that you feel safe enough here to do that - and I hope you know that you're welcome to write down how you're feeling at any time, there'll be no judgement from us.

You might also find it helpful to talk to a teacher or your school's welfare department - I know you've said you appreciate the anonymity on here, if that's also the case with talking to adults then Kids Helpline have a phone number (1800 55 1800) which you can call anytime - they can be pretty helpful ^-^

Sorry PhoenixxFire, I thought I responded to this!!!!!

Yeah, I did try distancing myself for a while and just focusing on my schoolwork, but I soon realised I was just more unhappy. my friends and I rekindled and we are back on track but I still have that feeling of how I am 3 chapters behind them.
Oh yes, I am also a ninja when it comes to escaping reality and taking sometime to be yourself, I love the city, I hardly ever go but I just love it. and people watching, makes me inspired that these people all don't care what others think and how one day I wanna be just like that.

I love that, its so true 'you're going to find something to hate about me anyway, I'm only going to change me if I'm annoying myself.' You know what. I think I am going to write that down. Thankyou for that PhoenixxFire!!

I am not good with talking to people face to face about things. I feel so much pressure and like I am trapped and there is no way to escape. I have reached out to KH before but it wasn't really any help. The person tried their best I guess I am just high maintenance and it takes a lot to change my thoughts and visions about things. I do use an app called Headspace that is great for blocking out all the insecure thoughts and makes me relax and not stress so much. I guess that's my therapy  :)

sorry again for replying late, I totally forgot, and now I will have stuffed up the forum and poor Bea (who fixed it last time shoutout to her) will have to do it again! I'm so sorry guys! thankyou for taking the time to respond. I really appreciate it all so much. im starting to feel a lot more relaxed her on Atar Notes (AN).
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on January 31, 2019, 04:02:52 pm
Greetings my fellow.....idk....  ;D

how is everyone.

thank you so much for all the love and support from my last post, I am feeling much better about going back to school tomorrow....yes TOMORROW. oh my gawd!!!

trust me I have already looked up a video on youtube on how to make fake vomit so I can pretend I am sick!

today has finally hit me, its a new school year, a chance for a clean slate and to be me....well at least try to be. I have been checking my emails. my school is doing a small production this year, I am thinking maybe asking if they need any behind the scenes help, taking photos or simply with making the program. I don't think I will be wanted though as last year I signed up for backstage and ended up bailing because I got anxious. I mean cmon! its already backstage! but I am going to try to push myself this year.... I have been told many times being out of your comfort zone is good, but like, I feel very firkin not ok and exposed and vulnerable when I am out of my shell. I like my shell ok! that shell is my soulmate. but I guess sometimes soulmates break apart right? I am a hermit crab, and I am growing, my shell is to small and I need to find a bigger better shell, I need to broaden my comfort zone.

also got an email from my bio teacher saying I have a SAC in the second week. WHATTTTT!!! I have never had a sac in my entire life! can someone pls help me and tell me what it is!? is it similar to a test, and can I bring a drink bottle to it? one time in year 7 my stomach grumbled in a test and it was so embarrassing, now when I feel like my stomach is going to grumble I skull some water and it stops me. when I get stressed my stomach feels empty. it also helps when I get over stressed and anxious combined and I start to loose serious focus and start watching the clock tick. I take a sip of water, take a breath and continue my test. I love a drink bottle in a test, I am weird ik.

anyways, I am sitting here doing my bio homework because I am leaving it to last minute and just got the sac email, which attached, was also my first practice sheet and he wants us to read up on it and answer some questions. I better get back to it.

man I am so stressed. how will I do my hair for the first day? do I wear my long socks or my short socks? do I put on makeup or is that trying to hard? where's my lock and key? do I get up an hour early just to relax and be able to take my time. arghhhh. god save me.

lex out xx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Joseph41 on January 31, 2019, 04:08:27 pm
Hey!

If you replace the word "SAC" with "test", that's pretty much what it is haha. It's just a fancier word for pretty much what you would have experienced in earlier years. Typically the same sort of "exam conditions" will apply, but this will depend a bit on your school. But yeah, a drink bottle should be totally fine. If your school is super stringent, it might have to be see-through and with no labels, but this was never the case at my school.

I don't think it's weird, btw! I had a drink bottle in every single SAC and exam through Year 11 and Year 12. I think it's a great strategy! ;D
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Bri MT on January 31, 2019, 05:13:59 pm
Hey,


I'm glad to see that you've been able to find some support and relief from reaching out here - I know it can take a lot of courage to be open and share things, especially when you may have a frame of mind telling you the community doesn't want that (you're certainly allowed to talk about your experiences in your journal - including unpleasant ones - and you are part of the AN community).

It sucks that you didn't find KH very helpful the first time - good on you for giving it a shot though. In my experience it took talking to a few different counsellors (this was at school not over KH) for me to find someone who I connected with and worked well for me (& I have friends who have also found that it took them a few tries to find a mental health professional who was a good fit); so, as hard as it can be, I would recommend that you keep trying to find a better fit for you. Definitely no judgement here for struggling with that - I just want to help you aid yourself.


As for your questions: 
- J41 has it 100% correct. It might help to know that SAC stands for School Assessed Coursework
- I'd probably wear it up if hot weather is forecasted. What's least effort/time and most comfotable for you?
- I always wear short socks so I'd go with that. Maybe consider the weather and what you'd be most comfortable in?
- I've make up a grand total of twice in my life so I'd go with no BUT if anyone judges someone for "trying too hard" I'd consider that to be an incredibly not valuable opinion and try not to pay it any attention. In fact, I might pity them for time & energy they're wasting on those thoughts  and the opportunities that's denying them.
- yeah, I clearly have no idea where they are but best of luck finding them
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on January 31, 2019, 11:30:41 pm
Hey!

If you replace the word "SAC" with "test", that's pretty much what it is haha. It's just a fancier word for pretty much what you would have experienced in earlier years. Typically the same sort of "exam conditions" will apply, but this will depend a bit on your school. But yeah, a drink bottle should be totally fine. If your school is super stringent, it might have to be see-through and with no labels, but this was never the case at my school.

I don't think it's weird, btw! I had a drink bottle in every single SAC and exam through Year 11 and Year 12. I think it's a great strategy! ;D

Hey J41!
haha omg thank you, I just watched the weight fly off my shoulders 😂. So even in yr 12 exams (like the major ones) your aloud a drink bottle?

Hey,


I'm glad to see that you've been able to find some support and relief from reaching out here - I know it can take a lot of courage to be open and share things, especially when you may have a frame of mind telling you the community doesn't want that (you're certainly allowed to talk about your experiences in your journal - including unpleasant ones - and you are part of the AN community).

It sucks that you didn't find KH very helpful the first time - good on you for giving it a shot though. In my experience it took talking to a few different counsellors (this was at school not over KH) for me to find someone who I connected with and worked well for me (& I have friends who have also found that it took them a few tries to find a mental health professional who was a good fit); so, as hard as it can be, I would recommend that you keep trying to find a better fit for you. Definitely no judgement here for struggling with that - I just want to help you aid yourself.


As for your questions: 
- J41 has it 100% correct. It might help to know that SAC stands for School Assessed Coursework
- I'd probably wear it up if hot weather is forecasted. What's least effort/time and most comfotable for you?
- I always wear short socks so I'd go with that. Maybe consider the weather and what you'd be most comfortable in?
- I've make up a grand total of twice in my life so I'd go with no BUT if anyone judges someone for "trying too hard" I'd consider that to be an incredibly not valuable opinion and try not to pay it any attention. In fact, I might pity them for time & energy they're wasting on those thoughts  and the opportunities that's denying them.
- yeah, I clearly have no idea where they are but best of luck finding them

heyyyy MT!
yes, it is hard, but I always think to myself how they may know me really well but would have no idea if they passed me in the street. the invisibility cloak I have is a blessing 😂.

Yeah, I guess this place can be my therapeutic safe haven. I have already met some incredible people, and was surprised how many people are willing to get to know me, even if they don't comment and just read, it feels amazing.

haha I was just typing my thoughts 😂 but thank you for answering them! I'm sure you will be pleased to know I have found my lock and key!

anyways I will give an update tomorrow about my first day! should probably head to bed, I am getting up early to stop my first day jitters!

lex outttt x
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: PhoenixxFire on January 31, 2019, 11:49:19 pm
So even in yr 12 exams (like the major ones) your aloud a drink bottle?

anyways I will give an update tomorrow about my first day! should probably head to bed, I am getting up early to stop my first day jitters!
Yep you're allowed a drink bottle in any SAC or exam - for the year 12 exams it has to be a clear bottle with no labels though.

Good luck for tomorrow!
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Poet on January 31, 2019, 11:57:00 pm
(darn, Phoenixx beat me to the waterbottle thing  :D)

Good luck for tomorrow!! We'll be cheering you on and ready to lend support from here. You'll be fine. ❤️
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on February 01, 2019, 10:17:16 pm
(darn, Phoenixx beat me to the waterbottle thing  :D)

Good luck for tomorrow!! We'll be cheering you on and ready to lend support from here. You'll be fine. ❤️
Yep you're allowed a drink bottle in any SAC or exam - for the year 12 exams it has to be a clear bottle with no labels though.

Good luck for tomorrow!

You guys are the best! Thankyou for your support and YASSS! I don't know what I would do without my firkin drink bottle! my drink bottle in a test is like a toddler sleeping with a teddy, I cant deal without it 😂

So, my first day hey?! well it was quite good but it had its ups and downs.

I started my day off bright and early, dressed (back in that fucking school dress 🤮), done my hair. (This one is for mini turtle.... I wore my hair down, and my long socks 😂😂) I chucked on some mascara and brushed my teeth. I packed my school bag with all the folders I could fit, honestly probably too many as I was aching till I got my locker.
missed my train.... *frustrated sigh* so I immediately start panicking. Anyways, finally make it to school and see my friends, did the big old reunion filled with massive hugs and a omg you look so tanned bs. (only one of them was sincere, I could tell the others were like meh). We had a senior school assembly because, oh jeez being year 10 aint enough no, lets squish you in a small room with ALL the older kids!!!!! Anyways, you know those typical assemblies that there is really no point for because all they do is go over the same shit every year and state the complete obvious? well 30mins of that later and I am in my home group, low-key hateeeee it. In year 10 my school makes the HG's based on Alphabetical order, I literally have noone close to me in the grade. so I am that try hard who sits on the outskirts of the group and making witty quirky jokes everyone and then just to be ignored and feel more secluded. oh well, 10 mins a day right? Anyways, we got our lockers. I finally got a top locker for the first time in my whole life!!!! YEEET! The price to pay was have the one girl I literally hate most in my whole entire school next to me. Bad enough she is in my homeroom, nope we are locker buddies! on the other side is one of the girls from the group that ignores my pretty well thought up jokes...(if I do say so myself). The first chick is honestly the worst. I always felt sorry for her because people would make fun of her, but she started treating me like shit, and she is one of those I play dumb chicks? like full on like in the movies is smart af in academics but when it comes to social life she is terrible. so dumb. in year 8 when I had the confidence to make humorous jokes at her expense she would laugh along and I was like....wait what? did you not get that message? it was entertaining, a stranger laughed at it so I was like, nice one. but she treats me like actual shit, she always talks me down and I am like I already have a list a mile long of insecurities I don't need yours added. thank you NEXT. (if anyone got my reference then I love you!!!!!!) so locker is sorted, then we have 30 mins of free time because we had finished all plans for periods 1&2. out come the laptops and also the "omg, what model is that" "how much did that cost you" "omg you got a Mac, I only got a hp." So me and another girl (who is quite fragile and has high anxiety) went to set up our laptops with the wifi, she seemed stressed so I was asking about her holidays and xmas and she seemed to lighten up a bit, that made me happy. Then it was recess, my friends met at our "hangout" (cos like hehe its high school and that's the slang....right?) its hard not being in any classes with my friends, I only have one in math, and 3 in French and 1 in bio. everything else is just people I know of but aren't close to, its hard, but I guess I need to focus. After recess, I had double English were we started our study on TKAM. first chapter was ok, a little confusing but I got the hang of it. Then lunch, then last period I had Lit (literature). my Lit teacher is honestly so sweet, we watched a few John green vids (GOD BLESS!!!!) and started to talk about the next few months of core work. we are studying a book about Ancient Greece, and a story from a females perspective, so we are focusing on feminism. so both my books are on quite political and controversial topics. I'm already uneasy. haha. anyways, school ends and I actually catch the train I am ment to back home.
I have a bit of homework this weekend, but nothing I cant handle.
so far, a bit of stress but not much. I am sure there is more to come.

My plans this weekend are honestly homework, binging TV shows, not leaving my bed, and as many fruit smoothies as I can handle...ohh and a longggggg bath, before all the real shit starts.

did I mention I have a sac on the second week!?!?!?!?! God SAVE me!

what are all you guys doing this weekend? would love to know what you guys get up to! (pls pls pls, take that information In the nicest most not stalkerish or weird way possible!)

ciao ciao, Lex xx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Bri MT on February 01, 2019, 11:31:48 pm
I started my day off bright and early, dressed (back in that fucking school dress 🤮), done my hair. (This one is for mini turtle.... I wore my hair down, and my long socks 😂😂) I chucked on some mascara and brushed my teeth.

Haha glad you were able to decide in the end 😂

-----
Lots of people change a lot during highschool so hopefully you can - maybe if not connect with - at least be comfortably around some of your peers that haven't left the best impression on you. Maybe you won't (I'm not going to pretend I was best friends with everyone in my cohort) but I've learnt that sometimes people I've initially think I'd never be friends with can turn out to be great people.

I'm glad that everything seems to be going ok so far :)

I'm having a pretty boring weekend but hopefully someone else has a more interesting one to share!
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on February 03, 2019, 07:41:15 pm
Haha glad you were able to decide in the end 😂

-----
Lots of people change a lot during highschool so hopefully you can - maybe if not connect with - at least be comfortably around some of your peers that haven't left the best impression on you. Maybe you won't (I'm not going to pretend I was best friends with everyone in my cohort) but I've learnt that sometimes people I've initially think I'd never be friends with can turn out to be great people.

I'm glad that everything seems to be going ok so far :)

I'm having a pretty boring weekend but hopefully someone else has a more interesting one to share!

Haha, thank you!  ;D

I might try that, get a little closer to some of the people I don't know as well in my classes, risky but may be rewarding. who knows! I might find myself a new best friend or even just a study buddy!

Thankyou!



Well, my plans where a little altered. I spent more time doing homework (still doing it, this is what I call my break...hi to the next 45 mins of procrastination!)
didn't leave the house, only got to binge a little. but yeah. a pretty good weekend, I got to sleep in and eat 2 minute noodles (you know the noodles that actually don't take 2 mins!) But Yeah.

My plans for this week? hmmm.

well every teenagers nightmare, I have to get up early tomorrow. Yes, early. on a Monday morning. *shrug*. I have my school photos tomorrow and need to look nice because a) my mum won't let me leave the house unless I do and b) everyone will see these and I need to look good  :o. Hard to do that when you don't know what look makes you look good to other people.
I don't know what else I have planned, a sac for biology but idk if that is this week or next, my teacher said the 2nd week (which technically is this week) but VCE classes officially start tomorrow, so I guess next week? idk. Have my first French lesson of the year TRE BIEN! I have missed my Francais! and I have a new teacher, fingers crossed she is a good one! But yeah, a little rusty.

On Thursday marks 10 years since the Black Saturday bushfires, a tragedy I hold close to my heart. Not sure what I will do yet to pay my respects but I will
definitely do it somehow. My thoughts go to those ANers who were affected. x

So, what else have people got planned for this week?
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on February 05, 2019, 06:33:28 pm
CALLING ALL ANers!!!!!!!    ADVICE IS NEEDED!!!!

Please help a helpless, anxious me!!!

3 things!

Public Speaking
I have to present a speech infront of 1400 people soon, although I have my friend standing next to me I have one small (actually major problem) I HAVE TO SPEAK EN FRANCAIS!!! (In firkin French!!!!!) How are ways to cope with keeping calm, voice none shaky and legs stuck to the ground, my legs always shake when I public speak!

HOMEWORK, SO.MUCH.HOMEWORK
I have been in year 10 approximately 3 days and have homework overflowing my study desk and student diary! As in it is only Tuesday and my whole week hw list is full!!!!!! How do you prioritise and calmly complete homework without stress, and relatively quickly but still so it is your best work.

STRESS
How can I manage my stress in a completely normal way. I do listen to mindfulness stuff but I cant really do that in class
Teacher "Lexie its time to present"
Lexie"Sorry dude, lemme listen to a 10 min mindfullness vid then I will be ready"

HELPPPPP MEEEEEE
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on February 08, 2019, 05:04:05 pm
Hey all you amazing people!
how was your first week of school?

Mine was...... well you could say eventful.

exactly 3 days of year 10 and I had my first breakdown. yay me.
I did not realise how much stress I was going to have. To list all my moods; (angry, happy, stressed, stressed, stressed, upset, tired, relieved, comfortable, irritated, sad, hurt).

My week (that actually started last Friday but like shhhhhh.) started off pretty well, slotted into my classes, understood the work and eager to start the new year with a new me (ik everyone says that and its so cliche.... :P....) but I mean it and think I owe it to myself. shits getting real now and I gotta work hard, aim high and stay focused.
By about Tuesday I had a pile of homework that just kept piling up and I couldn't keep up with all the workload, even though I spent every waking minute that I wasn't at school doing it, allowing myself an hour of 'me time' from 10-11 before going to bed, although most nights that 60 mins turned into 30 mins. oops...

by Wednesday I had so much homework I was stressing and prioritising and making a list and crossing them off as I go, few tears, scrunched up pieces of paper and throwing of pens later, by Thursday I was less stressed having most work done.

Atm i am mostly up to date, in fact ahead in some classes because the teacher will set hw and then noone will do it so they extend the time, which basically means for those few unfortunate souls, (in this case me) they had all this unnecessary stress and pressure on their shoulders for nothing, at least I am ahead I guess. Have a bit of homework this weekend ENG, LIT, BIO.
in English (as mentioned In previous posts) I am studying To Kill a Mockingbird. so far so good, my reading is ahead and so are my chapter analysis questions, in Literature I am studying The Peneliopiad (a play on of Penelope and the famous poem the Iliad). I am walking on thin ice with this one. its very strongly feministic and anti-men. Like I mean its true don't get me wrong the way women and even children were treated in Ancient Greece in those days is beyond terrible. I just feel nervous studying it and what I say as it is a very controversial topic. I also have a great amount of respect for the 1 guy in our class who probably feels attacked. But we were talking in class about how nothing will probably ever be equal between men and women as it still isn't today. (not saying I agree, we just discussed it). But one thing did I did come to realisation with and I was actually fascinated by how factual it is. In those days and in Ancient Greece, men were the heroes, the fighters and the respected. Women were their trophies. Basically there was a lot or rape, and sex that wasn't consented both ways, to women it was there normal and to men it was their prize and they deserved it. This just made me want to vomit, but this next part will astound you. We were watching a John green video on this time.

He mentioned how for men to be seen as masculine in those days, would mean women would have to sacrifice their femininity. Which makes perfect sense. Because a "man" in those days would have sex all the time and be praised for it, but to be a "woman" you had to be pure, a virgin. But how does a man have sex with a woman if they are all virgins? Women started to be judged and frowned upon because they weren't pure. I can see how back in those days life was 100% sexist. but nowadays it is controversial.

in Bio all I have is some reading. I have finished my written hw, prac write up and worksheet, just have to read for my sac prac on Tuesday (😬)

This weekend I plan to get my homework done asap. Tonight I have sport and tomorrow we are going on my boat cruising on the Yarra River with some family. I will enjoy a nice break and some gorgeous scenery.

What is everyone else plan for the weekend?

bye for now!
Lex out xx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on February 14, 2019, 10:48:49 pm
Hey, y'all!
how are we finding school? starting to get into it and finding our feet?

Tbh I am struggling quite a bit. I am finding it ok to get my homework done... I am actually ahead in most subjects which is very, very unlike me but like I said "new year new me". My mental state hasn't been the best at all. I am barely eating, I always feel too sick to or if I force myself to I just feel worse, like my stomach hurts and I feel nauseated. idk why, I am also forgetting to eat with so much homework to do, I have some personal issues going on that I'm not quite ready to mention here yet, but I am sure in future you will know me inside and out, and as much as that scares me, I think deep down I just want people to know the true me and understand, because noone really does, I feel.

anyways, my speech actually went suprisingly well, I loved it in fact, I think its the fact that I am now in senior school and I am looked up to and don't have as many people to be afraid of judging me I am ok. Its weird year 10 actually, Year 11's and 12's talk to you like you're one of them and the teachers have all this respect and time for you.

Saturday - Monday I was doing so much homework, Tuesday my mental state took a turn for its worst its ever really been, as in staying up all night, because I couldn't sleep listening to depressing, yet relatable songs and crying (my way of coping sometimes as weird as that may sound.) Honestly all I do is put in some headphones, cuddle my doorna cover and stare at my wall or rood and cry it all out until I seem to be at peace and like its numb and I am ok, sometimes it takes longer, sometimes just 5 mins. it really just depends. Wednesday I refused to do homework, I didn't really need to, I couldn't have sone some to keep ahead or revising but I refused, it was back to the sad music and admiration for my bland stained wall. I eventually got to sleep and school was rough, really rough. there is just this thing about being sad and lonely and so far down the rabbit hole of self hate that school makes it worse, feeling like people are watching and making fun of, scared I will start randomly crying in class and have to leave, anxious that I will miss my ride home even though its 12.00 and School doesn't finish for another 3 hours!

today I was ok, just trying to block everything out and focus on school work, I was thankful that in my lit class my sub let us listen to music so I could just zone out and focus (...shit was that an oxymoron!? :)). And now I guess just wondering what to do now, not really feeling sleep just yet, might binge some Netflix or listen to music or watch a doco (because I am one of those weirdos!)

Will post soon.
Wishing a Happy Valentines Day to All ANers!
you guys are All amazing in your own ways, and you should be proud of what you do, be strong, be yourself. ik I may not be able to do or believe these things myself, but I can remind others. you are all beautiful and amazing. and loving yourselves is the best thing you can do, find the happiness within yourself, do something that screams you!

Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: zuijinde on February 15, 2019, 12:01:24 am
Check your PM :)
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Bri MT on February 15, 2019, 09:58:58 am
Hey,

I'm not back at uni yet but I've been doing some uni-related stuff and so far so good! 

Kudos for managing to stay ahead and complete work when you're finding it hard to take care of your health - that takes a lot.  I found that when I was struggling to eat that breakfast was important to set me up for the day (even though this could be hard with feeling nauseous) BUT what I would really highly encourage is seeing a doctor. It's possible that the root behind this is biological and/or psychological and we could only have rough guesses while a doctor could help you understand what's actually going on and what to do about it.  Not getting enough nutrition can impact you in a lot of ways, and I would love to see you get healthier sooner.

Year 10 was a turning point for me where I really opened up to someone about things trapped in my mind for too long.  I hope that you experience the same relief,  trust & support that I did.  That being said,  as much as I admire the courage it takes to open up and believe it can really help there is no pressure to share anything on here that you are uncomfortable with.  None whatsoever. 

I'm glad your speech went well - more proof that the internal voices that try to tear people down are often wrong :)

thank you for the kind compliments - I hope that the day when you believe these things about yourself is earlier than you expect :)
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on February 15, 2019, 10:21:08 pm
Check your PM :)
Thanks!.....champion!! ;)

Hey,

I'm not back at uni yet but I've been doing some uni-related stuff and so far so good! 

Kudos for managing to stay ahead and complete work when you're finding it hard to take care of your health - that takes a lot.  I found that when I was struggling to eat that breakfast was important to set me up for the day (even though this could be hard with feeling nauseous) BUT what I would really highly encourage is seeing a doctor. It's possible that the root behind this is biological and/or psychological and we could only have rough guesses while a doctor could help you understand what's actually going on and what to do about it.  Not getting enough nutrition can impact you in a lot of ways, and I would love to see you get healthier sooner.

Year 10 was a turning point for me where I really opened up to someone about things trapped in my mind for too long.  I hope that you experience the same relief,  trust & support that I did.  That being said,  as much as I admire the courage it takes to open up and believe it can really help there is no pressure to share anything on here that you are uncomfortable with.  None whatsoever. 

I'm glad your speech went well - more proof that the internal voices that try to tear people down are often wrong :)

thank you for the kind compliments - I hope that the day when you believe these things about yourself is earlier than you expect :)

Thats great! when do you start uni?

Thankyou! I know that people do say "breakfast is the most important meal of the day" "brainfood" but idk, in the morning I feel to unwell to eat like the feeling of eating that early in the morning just idk, I will have a smoothie or a coffee though so I guess that's something. Yeah, I have been getting these weird stomach pains for over a week now, if it keeps up I will be sure to take a trip to the local Docs.

support, I am already getting, its weird its like holding the badge "senior school" gets you respect from everyone, to year 11's and 12's you are all equals, to your teachers they have time and so much respect and empathy for you, its like hold up, didn't you once yell at me for forgetting my locker key?! now you are smiling and asking how my subjects are....?????? I mean im not complaining, I feel so much more supported and better but like huh!
Thankyou!

Haha it actually did, I had so many people congratulating me and I was so happy.

xx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on February 18, 2019, 10:20:33 pm
Ive been listening to a lot of kinda sad but relatable songs recently. I am growing this obsession for Halsey. You may know her she sings Sorry, Without Me and has a part in Eastside with Khalid.

This post is disregarding school mostly, and just about me and who I feel I am.

before I go on, do I post too often? I see most peoples blog posts are not as often as me and idk, I don't wanna annoy you guys.

basically for a while now I have this cycle replaying, rewinding and restarting. its a continuous cycle.

Think of me as a hermit crab, on a popular beach.

every now and then I get in a real shitty dark and fucked up place, I feel like shit like I am failing myself and everyone, like I am unwanted, not loved, unnoticed, hated, ignored and like I cant trust anyone. As I slowly start to creep back out of my shell and things start to get better, and I think its a fresh start and I will never go back to where I was and I deliberately go out of my way to crawl around people, and hide away and avoid anything that will make me spiral out of control and drown (ik crabs cant drown....just roll with it  :)) But just when I think things are amazing and I finally have control over me and my life and I am happy and free a kid picks me up and wants to play with me, and in an instant I am straight back into my shell, unnoticed, hidden, I suddenly get boring and the kid thinks I have disappeared like sand escaping a clasped hand. I am back In that dark place, and its one bad thing after another wether its a sick family member, a friend hurting me, a father who never understands me, an uncle who just seems to judge, teachers putting pressure, mum getting mad. its never a bit of good and a bit of bad, its either all good or all bad. but each time it gets worse and I go into a dark place, listening to depressing, sad music, feeling insecure, hardly leaving my room, not eating, I'm unorganised, I don't care anymore, I just don't care. I am now becoming used to the bruised punching bag in the gym, the disturbed crab on the beach, the ball that's kicked and hit and controlled.

every time I fall backwards like this, the feelings get worse and worse, I smile and be nice and be fake all day, to people, sometimes going to the bathroom to cry or taking extra long at my locker because I am fighting tears by how hard my life is right now. but at night, I am a total recluse. I only come out for dinner, which I hardly eat, I pretend I don't hear my mum calling me so when I come out they are half done and I can eat slowly before throwing the rest out. I just don't want to eat, I have no motivation to, im never hungry and yeah.

I have a lot of family problems atm, friend problems, school and studying, oh yeah, not to mention a SAC this week that I am studying for. I just feel I cant do it. I started this year off great and it is just slowly falling apart once again. its not a "when will it get better, or its ok lex, keep your head high, or before you know it it will be ok" no, none of that. its a "what's next, what else is gonna go wrong, what happens if I cant handle it all"

sorry for my word vomit, my whole crab metaphor and the personification I had in my head sounded much better there then it is worded here.

Hope everyone is well, and isn't as stressed and stuffed as me.
love ya's all xx

-Lex
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: pepper77 on February 18, 2019, 11:21:26 pm
Honestly, I wouldn't worry about how often other people post in their journals. If you've got something to say, and it's not against the rules (e.g. 'lol' and nothing else :P) go for it!

Man, it's easy to get stuck in a bad place. Do you have any strategies for when you feel yourself starting to retreat into your shell? Or are there any warning signs that come before you start feeling bad? It might help to write them down or post them in your journal so that you're more aware of them.
If it's okay, I'd like to share some things that have helped me out in the past.
Spoiler
  • Take care of yourself before you worry about anyone else! Imagine you're a cute little prep kid. You have to get into the habit of being relentlessly nice and patient, because who could hate a 5 year old? "No one loves me" I love little me. (Even if it feels fake at first, keep telling yourself that.) "I don't want to eat breakfast" That's okay, you can just eat half of this. "I really don't feel up to doing all this homework" That's fine! Just do one question/write down one idea for this essay and then you're done. "I can't do any more." You've done so well, get some rest and try a bit tomorrow.
  • Lists. I love lists. Put down a few small tasks in big writing, like drinking a glass of water, spending three minutes outside in the sun, doing two questions from the homework. Then scribble them out thickly so you get that feeling of accomplishment.
  • Easier said than done but try not to consume too much 'sad' media. I love Halsey's voice, but I found that listening to her when I was sad would make me feel better at that moment... but then I'd find myself listening to a sad song on repeat, feeling worse than ever. Sometimes listening to something catchy or really self-congratulatory can help. I listened to It's Raining Men and Mika a lot when I was down.
  • Remember that high school... doesn't really matter. It's like 6 years out of 80. 6 years is like a sneeze to an 80 year old. Your worth is not dependent on how organised you are when you're 15. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate atm and I promise, it will pass. You're doing amazing juggling it all already.
  • Most importantly: when it's getting bad, talk to someone. Posting on here is good but do you have a school counsellor or a teacher you can vent to as well? (School staff are great because they can talk to your subject teachers and ask them to lay off you a bit.) If not, there's people on beyondblue (both their forum and the support chat service) who are way better than me at getting out of their shells. It's anonymous too

I like the metaphor, crabs are seriously so adorable... if you're a hermit crab take care of yourself! Good luck with your SAC
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: PhoenixxFire on February 18, 2019, 11:56:38 pm
before I go on, do I post too often? I see most peoples blog posts are not as often as me and idk, I don't wanna annoy you guys.
It's your thread, you can post as frequently or infrequently as you like :) There were times last year when I was posting in my journal every second day - sometimes twice in one day - and other times when I wouldn't post for a couple of weeks in a row. There's no right amount, just go with what feels right to you.

every now and then I get in a real shitty dark and fucked up place, I feel like shit like I am failing myself and everyone, like I am unwanted, not loved, unnoticed, hated, ignored and like I cant trust anyone. As I slowly start to creep back out of my shell and things start to get better, and I think its a fresh start and I will never go back to where I was and I deliberately go out of my way to crawl around people, and hide away and avoid anything that will make me spiral out of control and drown (ik crabs cant drown....just roll with it  :)) But just when I think things are amazing and I finally have control over me and my life and I am happy and free a kid picks me up and wants to play with me, and in an instant I am straight back into my shell, unnoticed, hidden, I suddenly get boring and the kid thinks I have disappeared like sand escaping a clasped hand. I am back In that dark place, and its one bad thing after another wether its a sick family member, a friend hurting me, a father who never understands me, an uncle who just seems to judge, teachers putting pressure, mum getting mad. its never a bit of good and a bit of bad, its either all good or all bad. but each time it gets worse and I go into a dark place, listening to depressing, sad music, feeling insecure, hardly leaving my room, not eating, I'm unorganised, I don't care anymore, I just don't care. I am now becoming used to the bruised punching bag in the gym, the disturbed crab on the beach, the ball that's kicked and hit and controlled.

every time I fall backwards like this, the feelings get worse and worse, I smile and be nice and be fake all day, to people, sometimes going to the bathroom to cry or taking extra long at my locker because I am fighting tears by how hard my life is right now. but at night, I am a total recluse. I only come out for dinner, which I hardly eat, I pretend I don't hear my mum calling me so when I come out they are half done and I can eat slowly before throwing the rest out. I just don't want to eat, I have no motivation to, im never hungry and yeah.

I have a lot of family problems atm, friend problems, school and studying, oh yeah, not to mention a SAC this week that I am studying for. I just feel I cant do it. I started this year off great and it is just slowly falling apart once again. its not a "when will it get better, or its ok lex, keep your head high, or before you know it it will be ok" no, none of that. its a "what's next, what else is gonna go wrong, what happens if I cant handle it all"

sorry for my word vomit, my whole crab metaphor and the personification I had in my head sounded much better there then it is worded here.

Hope everyone is well, and isn't as stressed and stuffed as me.
love ya's all xx

-Lex
hey Lex, we want you to be well too.
I hope that writing out how you're feeling helps, but I'd also encourage you to talk to someone who can really help you with managing how you're feeling. I know you've said before that you struggle to talk to people face to face, but I'd encourage you to try calling Kids Helpline again, or to call a different service like Beyond Blue. If you're feeling up to it, you're old enough to go see a doctor alone and they'd be able to help you find someone you're comfortable talking to.
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on February 20, 2019, 05:46:12 pm

Man, it's easy to get stuck in a bad place. Do you have any strategies for when you feel yourself starting to retreat into your shell? Or are there any warning signs that come before you start feeling bad? It might help to write them down or post them in your journal so that you're more aware of them.
If it's okay, I'd like to share some things that have helped me out in the past.

  • Lists. I love lists. Put down a few small tasks in big writing, like drinking a glass of water, spending three minutes outside in the sun, doing two questions from the homework. Then scribble them out thickly so you get that feeling of accomplishment.
  • Easier said than done but try not to consume too much 'sad' media. I love Halsey's voice, but I found that listening to her when I was sad would make me feel better at that moment... but then I'd find myself listening to a sad song on repeat, feeling worse than ever. Sometimes listening to something catchy or really self-congratulatory can help. I listened to It's Raining Men and Mika a lot when I was down.
  • Remember that high school... doesn't really matter. It's like 6 years out of 80. 6 years is like a sneeze to an 80 year old. Your worth is not dependent on how organised you are when you're 15. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate atm and I promise, it will pass. You're doing amazing juggling it all already.
  • Most importantly: when it's getting bad, talk to someone. Posting on here is good but do you have a school counsellor or a teacher you can vent to as well? (School staff are great because they can talk to your subject teachers and ask them to lay off you a bit.) If not, there's people on beyondblue (both their forum and the support chat service) who are way better than me at getting out of their shells. It's anonymous too
[/spoiler]
I like the metaphor, crabs are seriously so adorable... if you're a hermit crab take care of yourself! Good luck with your SAC

Thanks for your reply Pepper77!

sadly no I don't, I have no strategies other then cry until it no longer hurts and get on with life. I feel that noone really understands me, I love having support and I love that my friends try to help but they don't full get it, so I am just used to doing it solo I guess.
also no, I never know when I am going to retreat to my shell, and don't realise any warning signs if I have them, it just hits.

Ha! funnily enough I do do the lists thing and it does get me through my homework! It just depends on wether I feel good or motivated. Like yesterday I refused yet again and had some time to chill. now really regretting it.

Honestly, her voice is amazing! its one voice I can nearly match when singing haha. I will try to listen to more upbeat and music I can dance to, but I will be honest when I am in that state, my Spotify literally pulls me towards the sad music.

btw I bloody love that "6 years is like a sneeze to an 80 year old" FRIKIN DIG METAPHORS!

I did have a bit off a chat to my English teacher today.

Thankyou! its in 2 days  :-\ low-key freaking out. But I got an email from my teacher saying that in the bio prac that I will have to write about in the sac, I did well.

It's your thread, you can post as frequently or infrequently as you like :) There were times last year when I was posting in my journal every second day - sometimes twice in one day - and other times when I wouldn't post for a couple of weeks in a row. There's no right amount, just go with what feels right to you.
hey Lex, we want you to be well too.
I hope that writing out how you're feeling helps, but I'd also encourage you to talk to someone who can really help you with managing how you're feeling. I know you've said before that you struggle to talk to people face to face, but I'd encourage you to try calling Kids Helpline again, or to call a different service like Beyond Blue. If you're feeling up to it, you're old enough to go see a doctor alone and they'd be able to help you find someone you're comfortable talking to.

Noted! Thanks PF!
Yeah I have tried with kids helpline, lets just say it was merely a distraction and they didn't really help, more of a stated the obvious and then had to go because their time was up, IMO that's pretty shit, I mean I am not struggling as much as others, but you cant put a time limit on helping people, especially adolescents and mental health, but that's just me.


Anyways took me nearly 3 weeks before I could be accused of doing things I am not. I should probably explain this better.

So I have broken away from most of my friends mentioned in my first post. only 3 remain really. 1 I don't spend recess and lunch with, just math class.
and the other 2 I spend recess and lunch with, I will also mention they are both guys. Now, one is an anxious freak, like me. we are literally brother and sister, we are close, the other one is so nice and amazing. and we have found a classroom with a dodgy window. so every recess and lunch we climb in through the window and chill, take quizzes, help each other with homework and have fun. Today some year 11 girls (2 of which are in my class and are leaving me scared as all fuck to go back) came in and accused us all of having a threesome (I hope I am aloud to mention this on here). Like all we do are be recluses, thinking we can escape the judgement of everyone else by having our own little escape room....literally. Yes, its not wise and it is in someway most likely breaking school rules. but like I said, my friends and I are so sick of being judged and teased, but we still cant escape.

Today I feel was just wasted. I feel I was annoying the absolute crap out of my Lit teacher as I had so many questions about the language used in the text, turns out even for lit, I was looking too much into it.
Recess I felt quite ill and my stomach was hurting, so I was lying on the floor of our escape room. Then I had chem, where I was continuously holding my breath and trying to stop myself from having a breakdown because I just couldn't understand the content snd I have been trying so hard, and these kids were mucking up and my teacher was telling me to stop overthinking it.
Then English where we did absolutely nothing but talk about year 12 and exams and rules and racism and discrimination. (a) what a complete waste of time and (b) great for my anxiety and stress for year 12!

Lunch was the "threesome" thing which made me feeling gross, annoyed and trapped.

Last period was I&E and I started a project with this girl in my class, she is really nice and is like me, so I feel we will work well together.

Anyways I have a shit tonne of homework and using this blog as a great manipulation resource. Managed to not eat a thing today, considered asking the office for an apple but considered otherwise.

Bye for now xx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: EllingtonFeint on February 20, 2019, 06:11:28 pm
    ...one is an anxious freak, like me. we are literally brother and sister, we are close, the other one is so nice and amazing. and we have found a classroom with a dodgy window. so every recess and lunch we climb in through the window and chill, take quizzes, help each other with homework and have fun...

    Bye for now xx
Your climbing through a window comment killed me  ;D love it! I mean can WE be friends?
Kids are awful. Just literally count down the days till the end of high school.
My advice is probably quite suckish and banal or whatevs but actually find something that you get excited about!
Like something that you can obsess about...
For me, thatís usually a new mystery book coming out by my favourite author, face masking every Friday and relaxing, shopping (Virtually the IRL Cher Horowitz here)  or watching Supernatural episodes (Dean Winchester is the only thing getting me through year 12 right now!  ::) )
Something that makes you happy and gives you something to look forward to.

Hope I helped and hope you feel better! You can be my friend! :) xx[/list]
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on February 21, 2019, 12:11:11 pm
Your climbing through a window comment killed me  ;D love it! I mean can WE be friends?
Kids are awful. Just literally count down the days till the end of high school.
My advice is probably quite suckish and banal or whatevs but actually find something that you get excited about!
Like something that you can obsess about...
For me, thatís usually a new mystery book coming out by my favourite author, face masking every Friday and relaxing, shopping (Virtually the IRL Cher Horowitz here)  or watching Supernatural episodes (Dean Winchester is the only thing getting me through year 12 right now!  ::) )
Something that makes you happy and gives you something to look forward to.

Hope I helped and hope you feel better! You can be my friend! :) xx[/list]

dude, that made me smile the biggest I have in a while. glad I could amuse you! sure we can be friends! why would I say no?
Yeah, I just wish people could sometimes be as respectful as me, I mean not to speak myself up but I don't care what others do as long as it doesn't affect me or hurt the people I care about, only then will we have a problem hahahahaha.
nah your response aint banal, people like what they like, and I personally think you are awesome.
tbh AN seems to be my 'thing to look forward to' atm. Each day I long for coming home to read, and talk to you guys, this place is so positive and amazing and I feel at home here...especially after reading that comment. Thankyou so much, you are so sweet!
Glad I have made a friend! xxx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on February 22, 2019, 09:49:03 am
Only moi would have a mental blank on all bio 20 mins before the SAC. Pray for me peeps!  :'(
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: PhoenixxFire on February 22, 2019, 09:54:38 am
Itís much easier to remember stuff when you see the questions. Just try and relax before then (music helps)
Good luck :)
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Bri MT on February 22, 2019, 12:09:04 pm
I've had camp so I haven't been on here for a bit but:

I've got orientation week next week,  and the week after that classes start. 

Something that I think is great about hermit crabs is that they adapt.  The shell they surround themselves in is temporary,  and they regularly discard them and find new ones that fit them better.  It takes time to get to the new match they want,  but then they get to experience a whole new environment.

Social dynamics at highschool can be pretty terrible, but I'm glad to see that you've got two good friends. It can feel awful when people make baseless assumptions simply because of having good friends who aren't the same gender; as much as it sucks now, at least it doesn't really matter in any concrete way.

As difficult as it is to reach out, I hope that you're able to get help from a professional in managing your health and wellbeing. It can be hard to find your way to a better space, especially if you don't have a place where you can feel open, safe,  comfortable & able to rejuvenate - I wouldn't want you to feel that you had to go through this alone or without that support.

Good luck for your SAC and I hope the difficulties you're experiencing ease soon.
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on February 23, 2019, 07:21:47 pm
Hey everyone! How are we doing? Sorry I have been putting this post off a little,

 (a) I was so happy yet so sleep deprived now the weekend is here, literally haven't left bed, haven't eaten and its been hard to work up the energy just to go to the bathroom or fill up my water bottle....  :-X I fell asleep at 3pm this arvo, I can never sleep during the day like bishhh what? only just woke up again, which means I will be up all night, not wise, I know

(b) for the first time ever I smashed my phone, and I have a piece of glass in my finger that I still cant get out, I am literally cutting back layers of skin to get this little shit out. Its been in there for a few days.

So how was the rest of my week? well the year 11 girls seemed to piss off, they run around our block at school but go into the other rooms and not ours. I made the mistake of being mean which I feel frikin great about but at the same time terrible. they came up to the door that was locked and were being idiots and I jokingly shouted "oh my god can you guys grow up and fuck off".....turns out the window was open and they heard me.... :-[ :o ;D
so feeling really bad now, having this feeling they are coming after me.... On the bright and funnier side, we did get kicked out of one of the classrooms because we were playing soccer with an empty juice box! One teacher walked past as laughed and said, I am glad you kids have found some fun from something that isn't technology! and then the next one to walk past kicked us out. Damn, mood kill. haha. not to fret, we continued playing it in the courtyard, trying to nutmeg each other  :P

I had 3 hours of class time doing jackshit this week. my math teacher just didn't show up for a double we had, so me and my math class buddy decided to sit on the courtyard table (deemed to be owned by the year 12's) and studied. We were like this our table now! ha! take that year 12's!  ;D

The next day he didnt show up either, so we had to go to the library. my school literally has 2 librarians and they fit the stereotype to the max! They are so bitchy, and were glasses and have no soft spot for anyone. Yelp! One of them was pissing me off after she let her words rip and me and my mate for not 'signing in' but like, honey I'm sorry, us year 10's don't have spare periods and didnt even know there was a signing in system! So we signed in and then when she turned her back left, well ran actually, I enjoy an adrenaline rush. I felt like a complete badass like I had just robbed a bank but nah.....I just ran out the library to the year 12 bench  :).

it was last period so we were both gonna leave, but I wanted to wait for my friend (one of my escape room buds).

Friday was my SAC *Da Da Daaaaaaaa*
spent the whole hour of French class stressing to the point my teacher aloud me to study instead...and as per usual all the stuff I studied wasn't even mentioned on the test. *jumps around in anger at the school system*. It was a little overwhelming, we walked in and my teacher was like "give me your phones, put your stuff at the back of the room and grab what you need" the tables were all set up and had papers turned over and I was thinking to myself "it will be fine they said, its just a test they said" HONEY! that was intimidating!!!!!
anyways, I feel I would have barely passed, I nailed my definitions but its hard to write about a practice that you didnt complete right and got wrong.  :-\. Dreading Monday for my result, don't actually want to turn up to BIO class, but gonna have to  :o.

Friday arvo was the best, I think one of my old acquaintances is now my friend!! I was catching the train home with her, and another mate and she will generally stay with us till we reach our station and wait for the next train to go back to hers so she can spend more time with us, its like a Friday tradition.
She used to go to the bakery in this town as a kid so she was going to go there. My mum got to meet her and she gave us some money to get a drink and a snack, as this now friend had given me some of her old textbooks for this year and I was so grateful. She was craving a Sarsaparilla so we got ourselves some sarsaparilla and I was like lets go to the bakery. so we each had some lemon slice. We went back and we chatted and talked to my mum for a while and gave her a lift home. It was amazing, she is year 11 and I always feel like she would talk to me because she didnt have a choice on the train, but we had such a great time and kept joking around and laughing, I could actually feel my cheek muscles ache as I hadn't smiled and laughed like that in so long. Overall I feel like it was a great end to the week.

This weekend I don't have many plans, hopefully I can get my phone fixed tomorrow, but yeah, done nothing today and have a little homework.

that's all for me, guess my next update will be my SAC results *OOFT*

-Lex -xx- 
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on February 25, 2019, 05:52:46 pm
Sup Y'all! Damn, that's an americanised intro!

How are you all doing?

So today was a groggy start, I couldn't fall asleep last night and was so overtired and sleep deprived today, had bio first, my teacher is going away for about a month so we have a teacher filling in, she knows her stuff but mate, her tone is so boring, I was trying so hard not to loose focus because I know I need to know this stuff but like yeesh! our new topic is enzymes but there is no chapter in our textbook on them, or on edrolo! HONEY WHY!!!
so this unit is all memory, book notes and handouts, Yay! (do I even need to point out the sarcasm!!!!). My original teacher walked in to give us our SAC scores, I was so nervous. and then he went on to say how 8 of us failed. There are 27 of us in a class and my stomach just started racing. He said he was happy with all those who passed. unfortunately I waa the first year 10 to be called up, all my year 10 peers (who normally ignore me and treat me like shit) were wanting to know my score and I hadn't even looked at it yet. I faced it down on my table and couldn't work up the courage to turn it over. I kept hearing "I passed" and in my mind every time I heard that being said I was like in my mind "one step closer to a fail." I finally worked up some courage and flipped it over taking a huge breathe.

I GOT A B!!!! I PASSED!!!!!! 73%!!!!!!! I was so happy. I passed my first ever SAC!!!! I was so proud of myself, especially because I had left my notebook in my teachers office over the week and had forgotten all about it until it was too late.

But, as my life seems to go, every good thing predicts a bad.

Math class we did a practice test, a test that is meant to take me 58mins took me 2 hours to complete! I had to ask my teacher for a bit of help. I felt quite happy with it as most things I went over to check my answer......I failed. If you know me I have a very long history of failing math tests.  No matter how hard I try, nothing sinks in...nothing. Its not even new content, its what we have been going over the past 3 years! just in more depth! One of my goals for this year was to not fail a single math test I can see that one running away before me.

tonight I have quite a bit of homework, I have a French and math test on Thursday and I have some LIT and ENG questions as well as some BIO notes. And I could do some work on I&E to get a little ahead.
fuck im in for a shit night!
have also been feeling really down and annoyed and a lot of things lately (past 3ish days) so everything just seems 2x more harder to do. been in a sad mood and listening to the sad songs when I can (ik I said I would try not to im sorry) I did listen to High Hopes by panic at the disco, I love this song and I did sing along to it.

oh well. LEX STOP PROCRASTINATING AND DO SOMETHING PRODUCTIVE!!!!

Love ya's! xx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Joseph41 on February 26, 2019, 05:59:21 pm
I GOT A B!!!! I PASSED!!!!!! 73%!!!!!!! I was so happy. I passed my first ever SAC!!!! I was so proud of myself, especially because I had left my notebook in my teachers office over the week and had forgotten all about it until it was too late.

Awesome! One SAC down - great result. :)

(https://i.imgur.com/cy1vSAP.gif)
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on February 27, 2019, 05:37:49 pm
Awesome! One SAC down - great result. :)

(https://i.imgur.com/cy1vSAP.gif)


Thankyou Joseph 41!!!!!! That gif is so funny!


So last two days??

Yesterday, was great! I had double Bio where we did some notes and a prac! the practice was actually quite fun, we were testing how fast a reaction can occur when chicken liver was a whole piece, chopped up and smashed.

Then I had double science where I kept getting ignored by my teacher, so I gave up and chilled on AN. Last period I had math where we went over the practice test (previously mentioned) and I found I made some really dumb mistakes. I asked my teacher for another test so I could redo it and hopefully improve.

After school my mum was working late so I stayed with my friend (escape room bud) and his brother, we got ice cream and sat in the park. It was actually great. I hardly ever get to do social things with friends as my mum is just like that, so I savoured every moment. They ganged up on me and were tickling me and I was laughing so hard it was great, my worries were just gone for that time...man I need to get out more.

Anyways, I was with him and I redid my practice test, I did improve a little and got 69%, not overly thrilled but its better then 48%. I got really down on myself and spiralled into a tornado of self-doubt. I decided that instead of wallowing in self pity and having  breakdown I will get even more help. I emailed my homeroom teacher, she is one of the best math teachers I know, about seeing her tomorrow (today). she said yes.

Today, was a shit day.
I had double lit first where we had a sub and that was great, he does frikin amazing annotations, my book looks like it has been graffitied over (haha)
Recess I sent with my head on my mates shoulder, I wasn't feeling good, my anxiety about seeing my teacher about math was biting at me from all over. Idk why I get so anxious when it comes to math, I hate it so much.
I then had English and Science. Science was book work, so pretty straightforward, English was questions that I am ahead on so FREETIME!! But my free time was more like finding different positions to sit in so my stomach would stop hurting from all the anxiety. Its like my body knew everything was about to go wrong.

I was sitting there in her office waiting for my teacher when my science teacher walked in and started to help instead, my other teacher walked in and that was awkward because I felt so rude. My science teacher soon realised so they were both helping me. They realised one of my questions was right and my teacher had gotten it wrong. at this stage I am in the *I am teary and everyone can see that but I am going to pretend everything is A ok when its really not please ignore my weakness and self consciousness and stop looking at me with pity 😣 But as soon as I found out I got a question right I lost it. I started crying and I was frustrated. By this point it is me and 4 teachers helping me which is already overwhelming. I explained myself and said how I was just so frustrated that I am so bad at math and I work my absolute ass off and I cant even rely on my teachers knowledge. This is year 10! Shit is real and I cant afford to fail! They all understood and helped me through it, with a lot of hands on my back which was even more uncomfortable. we finished it all and I felt a little more confident for the test. But not quite, if working my ass off gets me a 79% when I had my textbook, and my smart friends help (who is in methods), I am just destined for a shit score. Anyways, I walked back to my escape room and my friends just saw how upset and not ok I was and gave me a massive group hug. I lost it even more. idk why people showing me they care makes me cry more, more like its safe to let it out now? idk. but yeah so last period I kept getting "are you ok's" which just makes me angry like, "You guys never talked to me before this, why do you care."
so yeah, last period was a drag, and I struggled to get work done because I had lunch on my mind the whole time.

I am so tired and drained from today but I have so much homework!
- bio, write up a prac report
-lit, finish chapter questions
- math, study for a test when there is really no point.
- I&E, group project
- Science, pray write up + discussion questions
- French, study for test on Thursday

ARGHHHHHHHHHHH. If I get through this week its a miracle.

sorry for my rant and list of homework none of you will give a shit about.

lex x
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on February 27, 2019, 09:54:35 pm
Update! Because I am in breakdown mode and this place cheers me up when I get things off my chest!

Been studying math all fucking night, decided to do my other homework tomorrow and lunch and recess and after school. Feel like I am going to fail. been doing the same questions over and over with different numbers, written a page of mental notes like read the question properly and ROUND THE ANSWERS and then I was on the phone to my mate who was helping me and his dad as a joke and ik it was a joke but I was still affected was like "your gonna fail lex" I am now in my second breakdown of the day over this fucking math test!!

Dear Math,
Fuck you! Fuck you from the bottom of my heart!
sincerely, your number 1 hater! 🤬

I hate how I have no ability to do something I want to. In fact, if I could actually do math I reckon I would like it. I like figuring things out and solving problems! Why do I have to be like this!
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Bri MT on February 27, 2019, 10:24:15 pm
:(

Really sucks that things are being difficult rn - hope it gets better soon.

If you want to post some stuff up you're struggling with we can try to help; sometimes I find that having a different perspective helps :)


There's plenty of stories on an about people going from really struggling to finding the success & understanding they want - I hope this happens with you.

Good luck!
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on February 27, 2019, 10:56:17 pm
:(

Really sucks that things are being difficult rn - hope it gets better soon.

If you want to post some stuff up you're struggling with we can try to help; sometimes I find that having a different perspective helps :)


There's plenty of stories on an about people going from really struggling to finding the success & understanding they want - I hope this happens with you.

Good luck!

Thanks miniturtle! You are such a legend!

Thankyou, yeah. Its like AN is another one of my escape rooms. its a place I can be me and share what I want and not be judged. I love this place.

Thank you!

I will hopefully post an update tomorrow on how it went but Thursdays are busy days for me so I may not have time. Idk.

Thanks once again xx You have always been so nice to me <3
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Poet on February 27, 2019, 11:50:47 pm
Hey, Lex!
Hope you're okay.

I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I really struggled with anxiety all throughout my VCE, and although I felt it let me down a lot, it wasn't the end of my ability to cross the finish line.

I found AN to be my safe place, too. And I hate maths and can't understand it at all! Actually, correction - I managed to understand just enough to get by. And that's all you need too. We've got a lot in common :)

Anyway, just letting you know that I read every single word of your journal and totally get what you're going through. If you ever want to talk feel free to shoot me a PM.

💙
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on February 28, 2019, 07:19:51 am
Hey, Lex!
Hope you're okay.

I just wanted you to know that you're not alone. I really struggled with anxiety all throughout my VCE, and although I felt it let me down a lot, it wasn't the end of my ability to cross the finish line.

I found AN to be my safe place, too. And I hate maths and can't understand it at all! Actually, correction - I managed to understand just enough to get by. And that's all you need too. We've got a lot in common :)

Anyway, just letting you know that I read every single word of your journal and totally get what you're going through. If you ever want to talk feel free to shoot me a PM.

💙

Hey Poet!
I wish I could say I was, I am just so stressed over a few sheets of paper! I hate getting anxious.

Again I am the same, I work my butt off in math and only manage to just pass.

Thanks Poet! Your the best, It feels good to know someone understand what your going through.

xx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on March 01, 2019, 08:48:24 pm
Uh, how does this one even start?

The rest of my week has been pretty bad tbh.

I had my math test, I swear I am about to get down on my hands and knees and beg my coordinators to change classes. ARGH! We weren't sitting in test conditions, people kept talking, my teacher was helping people!!!! Someone left the door open and this area of rooms and corridor echo like no tomorrow. Ik what you're thinking. Why didnt you just close it? why didnt you ask them to shut up?

I was so focused on trying my hardest and getting it done I didnt want to waste anytime on anything. I did tell them to shut up (politely), but an anxious loser like me has no power, so it didnt work. there were so many times I needed help and I wanted to ask but I stuck to the right thing. In year 12 I am not going to get help, I won't be aloud to, so I wasn't gonna get help. I managed to finish my test, I went over it a million times and changed quite a few answers. I am praying for a pass. Honestly I want to pass by a lot but my track record blurs that vision.

More heartbreaking news, Our escape room is no longer ours  :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'(
A teacher kicked us out and went to our coordinators, we got a lunchtime detention. So we have nowhere to be fully us. The thing is with me and these two guys, we are so close, as in we stick together always have each others backs and all have major insecurity and peer anxiety (is that a thing?) We are recluses and just like our space. I feel I am the most outgoing from them but I would have to be very hyper or mad or overly happy to do so and I am hardly ever those things. So recess today was spent wandering around school looking for a good place to hang. So far unsuccessful. Lunchtime was our detention, i ended up not going because my friend (one of my old ones who we kinda broke away from) wanted help with his English. I didnt really need to go to this det, only one of my mates got in trouble and the other 2 of us were going for moral support because we were all just as bad.

You know what, I am gonna find nick names for these two so I can make it easier for you guys.
The one with the detention was Bagel Boy (he loves a good old bagel)
and the other one is Milk Man (inside joke)

Anyways, I helped my old mate with English and got back my French test, I got an A and I didnt even study! I guess that makes me feel great as its the first french test of the year with a new teacher. Idk why I find French so easy, I have only studied it for 3 years (this is my 4th). But yeah. It gave me more time to study for my math, that I pray helped!

Tonight I was ment to play my Friday sport but we got cancelled due to the heat.

I didnt wanna mention this in case it doesn't work out but I am happy to announce I think I finally got a job!
If you have been following along with this journal you will remember I set out on a job day with 16 resumes! One rung me last Sunday and asked if I was still interested. I said yes, I have training tomorrow from 9-1 and then a shift on Sunday from 9-6. Hoping it all goes well and I pass their needs. It is a trial though. I am lucky I only have a little bit of homework this weekend French and biology. Which is great!

Will probably update Sunday night and tell you guys all about it.

Also can I just say thank you guys so much! Honestly, the community on here is just amazing. I feel so blessed to be apart go this and I have talked to so many people and it just warms my heart and makes me excited every time I get notified that another blog I am following has posted.
I don't want to shout anyone out (well I do actually but I am scared I will forget someone) So I am going to compile so names of people I can truly thanks for everything. But most will know why you are *cough* Evolio <3

Anyways thank you guys so much, I have finally found a place I can be myself and it makes me so happy and loved and I feel like I have just fitted right in.

-Lex xx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Evolio on March 01, 2019, 09:02:19 pm
Quote
I was so focused on trying my hardest and getting it done I didn't want to waste anytime on anything. I did tell them to shut up (politely), but an anxious loser like me has no power, so it didn't work. there were so many times I needed help and I wanted to ask but I stuck to the right thing. In year 12 I am not going to get help, I won't be aloud to, so I wasn't gonna get help. I managed to finish my test, I went over it a million times and changed quite a few answers. I am praying for a pass. Honestly I want to pass by a lot but my track record blurs that vision.

Don't worry about the test. By the looks of it,  looks like you knew what you were doing and you had plenty of time left to check over your answers for any mistakes and you fixed them up! That means you would be getting higher than if you didn't check over the test, so good job! You have nothing to fear. (Unlike me who never has time to check over their work and has silly mistakes all over their test that it's not even funny, it's a big problem).

Quote
More heartbreaking news, Our escape room is no longer ours
Aw, that sucks. Don't worry, I am sure you and your mates will find a new escape room soon enough that is just as good. Maybe even better!

Quote
Anyways, I helped my old mate with English and got back my French test, I got an A and I didnt even study! I guess that makes me feel great as its the first french test of the year with a new teacher. Idk why I find French so easy, I have only studied it for 3 years (this is my 4th). But yeah. It gave me more time to study for my math, that I pray helped!
That's so amazing! Good job! Are you thinking of taking  French for VCE? Do you like French? I did French fot two years and I found it a bit hard because of all the millions of tenses.

Quote
I didn't wanna mention this in case it doesn't work out but I am happy to announce I think I finally got a job!
This is amazing news! I am so happy for you! What kind of job is it?

Quote
But most will know why you are *cough* Evolio <3
I smiled so big here that my mouth hurt!
 ;D ;D
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on March 01, 2019, 10:27:18 pm
Don't worry about the test. By the looks of it,  looks like you knew what you were doing and you had plenty of time left to check over your answers for any mistakes and you fixed them up! That means you would be getting higher than if you didn't check over the test, so good job! You have nothing to fear. (Unlike me who never has time to check over their work and has silly mistakes all over their test that it's not even funny, it's a big problem).
Aw, that sucks. Don't worry, I am sure you and your mates will find a new escape room soon enough that is just as good. Maybe even better!
That's so amazing! Good job! Are you thinking of taking  French for VCE? Do you like French? I did French fot two years and I found it a bit hard because of all the millions of tenses.
This is amazing news! I am so happy for you! What kind of job is it?
I smiled so big here that my mouth hurt!
 ;D ;D

I guess, I was rushing though and I pray the teacher can read my writing...oh god plsss!

I hope so as well!

I actually thought of dropping it this  year, year 9 I sort of lost interest in French but I am starting to pick it up again. besides I don't struggle too much so I am thinking to do it yeah. Depends how hard it gets in year 10 tbh.

Thankyou! Its at a flower farm! I hope I stay and they want me!

xx My specialty is always making mouths hurt! I have succeeded!  :P ;) ;D, nah no worries, you are honestly one of the reasons I love being on AN. Thankyou so much x
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Bri MT on March 01, 2019, 10:45:20 pm
That sounds pretty frustrating :( I can't remember if you have talked to your teacher or co-ordinator about the difficulties your having but I would definitely try both of those if you haven't yet. Good luck

Hope you guys can find a space you're comfortable in again or find a way to be comfortable in the spaces you currently know you can access soon. It's strange how quickly the meaning of a place can change for you

Congrats on the job!! :D

It's great to see you & Evolio supporting each other; seems like you work fantastically together :)
Thank you for contributing to AN and becoming an active part of the community - it's gratifying in a cozy sort of way to see people find a deep sense of belonging and support here
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on March 02, 2019, 06:47:49 am
That sounds pretty frustrating :( I can't remember if you have talked to your teacher or co-ordinator about the difficulties your having but I would definitely try both of those if you haven't yet. Good luck

Hope you guys can find a space you're comfortable in again or find a way to be comfortable in the spaces you currently know you can access soon. It's strange how quickly the meaning of a place can change for you

Congrats on the job!! :D

It's great to see you & Evolio supporting each other; seems like you work fantastically together :)
Thank you for contributing to AN and becoming an active part of the community - it's gratifying in a cozy sort of way to see people find a deep sense of belonging and support here

Yeah, I am waiting out the math results (even though I will probably get it in like 2 weeks the way this teacher works  >:()

Same, yeah it is strange, I hope we find a place.

thank you !

aw thank you so much! Yeah, tbh I didnt know what to expect when starting this journal but I absolutely love it. Thankyou for everything miniturtle! x
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on March 06, 2019, 05:35:31 pm
Hey all! sorry this one will be short (ah ikr you guys are all so sad because you totally love my rants and long stories and it totally doesn't bore you!)

I am so swamped with homework and stress I won't be able to do a good journal post for you guys so I will postpone until the weekend. Its Labor Day Monday (aw no shit Lex!) and I have a leadership excursion Tuesday, so I should have some time this weekend if not early next week.

Sorry to leave you guys hanging,

love ya'll!

Lex xx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: PhoenixxFire on March 06, 2019, 05:52:58 pm
you guys are all so sad because you totally love my rants and long stories and it totally doesn't bore you!
This, but not sarcastically.

Sorry to leave you guys hanging,
You don't need to apologise for this! I'm looking forward to reading your update whenever you find time to write it <3
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on March 08, 2019, 05:53:52 pm
Hey guys! thought I will give an update now as my plans for the week are now completely busy and I will have no time for AN ( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'( :'()

So, math test, honestly thought I would either fail or barely pass, I got an A! same with my investigation task! WHAT! never in my whole life have I ever gotten such a high score in math! I am so proud of myself, I deserved that so bad! I was studying so much. I haven't been on here for long but I have a lot of confidence and negativity problems when it comes to my math, in grade 2 I was in group 3 for math (the group that needs more 'assistance'), in grade 5 I was in a group marked low yes, in red. Year 7-8 I would mostly fail, but my teacher was qualified in sport and would just give me a worksheet after. Year 9 I thought I was improving a little, I was keeping a passing average of 50%, but when you get 3 tests in a row all with 50% I got quite suspicious. I asked my teacher and he said that I had passed, but when I worked out the percentage (when I figured out how to frikin do it and even getting my mum to) I had found I had failed all 3 of the tests but I was in the 38-47% range so he just passed me. This shattered my confidence completely and I guess I try so hard with the mindset of "it doesn't matter you are going to fail anyways." Its hard to explain my math as I will sometimes get it, and other times I will see letters and numbers together and just freak out, or I will read a question and it won't make any sense, so I will read and reread this question for 30 mins and still get nowhere. The teacher I went for for help on my practice test was really helpful, she even got my mind, and how I attempt to figure things out which is something past teachers have not understood with me. Whenever I struggle I am now seeing this teacher.

On the job front (yes, I managed to keep it!)

My 4 hour training was last Saturday, in the first 15 mins of being there I knocked over a bucket of water ( :-[ ), I served a few customers and learned a bit about the place. Sunday was my first real shift, and I basically had the place to myself most of the day, my boss came in a few times to see how I was going and even one of my colleagues popped in to help for a bit, which was great. I have 2 shifts this long weekend Saturday and monday, I am looking forward to them!

I was hesitant to accept my Monday shift when my boss asked me because I am absolutely flooded with homework!

Biology
I have an enzyme booklet to complete, it was due today but I messaged my teacher for an extension and she said she will check my progress in todays class. we ran out of time which sucked so she said next lesson (Tuesday) but I have an excursion that day so I miss a double which isn't good at all. So it looks like its me on my own for this booklet....fuck. I have also been given another booklet on photosynthesis as we are now moving on from enzymes. I have a whole bunch of Edrolo waiting for me this weekend.  :-\.

English
I have to complete some chapters review questions on To kill a Mockingbird and I am struggling with my TEE structure and embedding of quotes, hopefully I start to improve as I haven't the last 3 times. I also have to read a few chapters. We are up to the court case.

French
My teacher decided to lay off a bit for once so we don't have much homework, just 15 mins of listening to French songs, or a podcasts, just people speaking en FranÁais!

Literature
I have a major assignment due in a week but there is just so much to do with it, including our own creative piece to represent how the maids in the Penelopiad are treated, I decided to write a poem, as I can use some great quotes from the novel.

Math
I have a math homework sheet that is due Wednesday (actually Tuesday as I got an extension because I have an excursion)
but we have hardly covered the content in class so this will take me forever!

Science
We did a practice the other day, and our teacher has just said to do the discussion q's and not worry about a prac writeup which suits me just fine!

I&E
have a major assignment to work on, it is a group project so I have to put in 100% so not only me but my partner pass.

My excursion on Tuesday is a leadership lecture sort of thing, I have to get up super early to catch a 5.56 train, to go into the city, so yeah.

How I will get all this done and be up to date with homework as well as work and an appointment with apple on Saturday (phone is broken) Idk. But I am looking forward to monday night because I have a pizza date with my nan! I am staying the night with her as I need to get up early and I don't want my mum complaining about waking up early and driving me, my nan lives close to the station so this way I don't have to wake up anyone and can get a coffee at maccas!

update on Milk man and Bagel Boy.

I was hoping to go over to Milk Man's house for a few hours on Monday to do some homework and play chess and checkers (oh we are such nerds!)
but now I am working that cant happen.

Bagel Boy had a bit of a tough week, he struggled a lot with French and had a breakdown and missed period 5 Thursday to get some help from our old French teacher (she is a legend) so that's good.

Anyways I hope your long weekends are better then mine!
Love you guys!

Lexie xx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Bri MT on March 08, 2019, 06:26:37 pm
Woooo!! Congratulations!

I'm glad you've been able to see a reward from all your hard work :D
Seems like things are looking up despite the stress - I hope it continues that way for a while

As a Monash student I don't get a long weekend, but my ecology lab on Monday is a field trip which is nice; I hope you also (somehow) find some time to go into a natural environment and maybe reset a little :)
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on March 12, 2019, 10:23:23 pm

Woooo!! Congratulations!

I'm glad you've been able to see a reward from all your hard work :D
Seems like things are looking up despite the stress - I hope it continues that way for a while

:)


As a Monash student I don't get a long weekend, but my ecology lab on Monday is a field trip which is nice; I hope you also (somehow) find some time to go into a natural environment and maybe reset a little :)

Thankyou!


sooooo, update because I managed to work a total of 21.5 hours!

I ended up working Saturday to help the new girl! (yay I'm not the new girl anymore!)
but she didnt show up, I love my work but I had so much homework and I felt my time was just wasted.

I somehow managed to stay up late and get ahead until Thursday knowing I wouldnt have wifi at my Nans and yeah.

Today I had a leadership conference to Melbourne Exhibition Centre (is this where the AN lectures are held?) where I went to a GRIP leadership conference. I actually loved it, to see people as passionate as me and even talk to me about the same stuff made me feel great! A guy even asked me for my instagram and snapchat, which made me feel a little confident about myself for a while. (I said no though as I don't know him).

My nan is doing well, getting old and has had/has a lot of health problems and swallows pills like crazy I love her so much but cry every time I say goodbye to her as I get sad it will be the last time. I know its terrible to think this but when 1 grandparent dies before you are born and then 2 die within the same year of each other you get really depressed and mentally unstable when it comes to death and I guess I am preparing myself for the worst but the best. I blame myself tbh. this all started when I was 4. I remember this day vividly as it left me scared and terrified. I was playing hide and seek in the backyard with my nan and she slipped on a rock and broke her pubic bone. I remember her lying there in pain and my mum rushing out with pillows to comfort her and call the ambulance. I knew something was bad and it was all my fault. I watched them take her to hospital and we followed in the car. Ever since then she has been so fragile and broken many bones. she is blind and has problems hearing. she is way to independent and even though she has nurses and carers coming and going I still constantly worry about her. When I stayed over last night I wanted to stay up all night to protect her. she mentioned how it was amazing feeling like she had company at night. and this morning when I woke up she had left me a flashlight and some money on the table because it was still dark outside. I instantly started crying because it just shows how I feel I was ment to be looking after her and she is still looking after me. like we are equal and love each other so much. I know I am walking on thin ice ready for a massive downhill toboggan ride of me banging into trees and tumbling all the way down the snowy mountain. because ik as soon as she leaves or something happens. My life will change completely. We are so close and there are a few family issues atm and I am just so so so scared for her life in the way she is. Its like pills are her food and the hospital is her second home. I hate it so much and I just hate how the best people who are innocent always have to leave.

Sorry guys ik this is a lot for you to take on and I am just rambling on about my life and stuff, idk, I just know when it all goes wrong I am going to go into a seriously dark place, and I am gonna need to see someone.

sorry this entry isn't as humorous and upbeat as normal  :-\

I would say it will get better but I am working all weekend and will probably have more homework! 18.5 hrs this weekend!  :(

-Lex
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Evolio on March 13, 2019, 05:02:26 pm
I am so sorry w0lfqu33n89.
But I know that you will keep your head high.
It's going to be okay and if you need anything, anything at all, talk to me.
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Bri MT on March 14, 2019, 08:32:35 am
Atarnotes lectures are held at RMIT - just a little up Swanston St from Melbourne Central.
I love meeting through leadership training events and seeing their altruistic drive (especially my course mates <3 )

No need to apologise for sharing information about where you're at - we want to support you. The only part of your story I can directly relate to here is having a grandparent die before you were born. For me, this was my father's mother, and I've felt that she would've been the only person on that side of the family I would've gotten along with; I don't know if this is similar at all to you, but I doubt it's exactly the same. We aren't going to know how to best support you through this, so although we will listen with empathy (as always) feel free to tell us where we're going wrong.

You might have trouble believing me, but reading that story I firmly believe it wasn't your fault. It seems like you and your Nanna have great, incredibly strong connection; I'm glad you've been and are able to experience that and draw on your mutual support,

Good luck with work and your homework; I know you'll get through this
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on March 17, 2019, 08:42:39 pm
hey you beautiful people!

I havent been much better since my last update. Nan was ok, she still is ok. School was a drag I had a shit tonne of homework, I was staying at one end of the city one night and then at my cousins on the other the next because my dad got food poisoning from the Grand Prix! bless his pulled pork loving soul.

I was working all weekend so have gotten no homework done, I am doing it now (one on one date with Edrolo!)

This week is stressful af, I am trying to have Saturday off work so I can do my schools RFL because I know too many people who have been affected or taken from cancer, and I feel it is a great day to raise awareness and share stories.

Tuesday I plan on staying back from school to buy eastereggs and eat them with milk man! I frikin love Easter eggs and am the kind of person who will buy a shit tonne to last me till next easter because idk why I just love the small Easter eggs! (ok lex, lets hide your inner geek and stop scaring all the nice people away! :o)

anyways, enrol awaits my braindead tired mind to keep talking about cells and shit.

night y'all

ps. thanks for your comments I may have kinda....maybe.....sorta.....forgot to quote and respond so

Evolio (ma twin) - thank you so much xxx I love you (in the most platonic and friendly way possible!) you have been nothing but understanding, patient and non-judgemental of everything I say! I am so grateful   :)

colline - don't think you have commented on my journal before, thankyou so much for reading along and being apart of my "problematic" life! You are so sweet! and spot on! you just explained our whole relationship xx

MT- Thankyou! How do I know when and where and what it is? as in where will I find it, how do I know what subjects and how do I know when it is happening?
I have always wanted to meet my grandpa, he seems like a quirky uncle, like he is always in for a joke, has good morals and is reliable and opinionated.
xxxxxx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: lm21074 on March 17, 2019, 08:58:23 pm
Hey Lex!

It's good to hear things are going okay atm.

Enjoy the chocolate! What's your favourite kind? 8)

I'm not mt but you can find info about the lectures here.

Wishing you all the best :)
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on March 22, 2019, 11:29:56 pm
Hey Lex!

It's good to hear things are going okay atm.

Enjoy the chocolate! What's your favourite kind? 8)

I'm not mt but you can find info about the lectures here.

Wishing you all the best :)

Hey LM!
Didn't actually end up going, I visited my nan instead but anything Lindt or Cadbury because I don't have much money and ofc I  like the expensive stuff  ;D ;D

Ok thanks, asked mum about the lectures she doesn't like the idea of me going to the city alone and then trying to find level whatever at RMIT and then the room. *shrugs*

So heyyyy y'all!
Hows ya week been? Mine was pretty ok

Bagel Boy had a bit of a health scare at the start of the week that had me going crazy with stress and worry, ended up on the phone to him for a few hours. He has anxiety and the doctors wanted to switch his meds and try him on some other stuff but his heart didn't take it very well. He passed out at home and was in hospital because of it and I was scared for him, I know anything to do with the heart cant be good. He is ok now but yeah, we all had a bit of a scare.

In better news I got an 83% on my math practice test first go! I still decided to see a teacher for a few questions so I can try to get a better mark, because I aim to do well this week.

Thursday I had a ps day at my school where some grade 5+6's came and we do some fun activities with them and yeah. I had a bunch of rascals that were so hard to control. To put in a nutshell, I had to ban the discussion of fortnite and guns because it was getting so bad, Had to reprint our agenda because one of them though it a great idea to rip it up, and one of them not listening and telling me she will do whatever she wants and I cant do anything about it. As the person I am I politely said that you shouldn't treat people like that but in my head I am like "what.a.little.shit"

One of the girls from a few of my classes seems to be becoming a bit more distant lately, idk if something is wrong or I have done something so I am a little confused but don't want to start too much drama.

And I think I made a new friend today! Lets call her Mocha. Because today in the canteen we spent 20 mins waiting for a mocha!
We spent all of English class talking about her youth group and a son she is learning atm for music and insecurities and some things she has been through and really opened up to me. I felt amazing that she felt she could do that with me and then spent all of lunch with me and the other 2. I feel like I am making a new friend who is a girl and we are actually on the same page about stuff.
I hope this relationship progresses because she is such an amazing person.

Tonight for sport I lost both my games, One kid won his first ever game and he tried really hard and I was so thrilled for him. He was so small and cute and I said that he is a little champ and will make it far in tennis.

This weekend I am working tomorrow morning, then seeing milkmans ball game (he has made it to finals and I am so proud of him!) then we are doing my local Relay for Life together. and Sunday not sure yet but I will most likely be working. cool for me, I don't have much homework at all this weekend which makes me happy for work :).

and yeah.

Happy to of had a nice entry this time, hopefully from here on it keeps getting more positive.

Till next time, Lex xx


https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwidj_6B4JXhAhXLuo8KHeBPAU4QjRx6BAgBEAU&url=%2Furl%3Fsa%3Di%26rct%3Dj%26q%3D%26esrc%3Ds%26source%3Dimages%26cd%3D%26ved%3D%26url%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Fwww.pinterest.com%252Fpin%252F65654107047952964%252F%26psig%3DAOvVaw0qSGvzbPK7ek5qkBmTz0Sx%26ust%3D1553344135030494&psig=AOvVaw0qSGvzbPK7ek5qkBmTz0Sx&ust=1553344135030494

ps. not sure how to add pictures, hopefully this shows if not, how to you post pictures?
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: AngelWings on March 24, 2019, 04:47:10 pm
Good to hear that you had a relatively alright week, Lex. :) Sucks to hear what Bagel Boy had to go through, but glad that he's okay now. Hope to hear about your friendship with Mocha again soon.

Ok thanks, asked mum about the lectures she doesn't like the idea of me going to the city alone and then trying to find level whatever at RMIT and then the room. *shrugs*
Your mum is concerned for your safety and means well. If you're still determined to go, maybe you can convince a responsible friend (or a willing older sibling-type figure?) to meet up and go with you, letting your mum know of the plans? 

In better news I got an 83% on my math practice test first go! I still decided to see a teacher for a few questions so I can try to get a better mark, because I aim to do well this week.
Woo! That's great to hear. Hope you can keep this up. 

https://www.google.com/url?sa=i&rct=j&q=&esrc=s&source=images&cd=&cad=rja&uact=8&ved=2ahUKEwidj_6B4JXhAhXLuo8KHeBPAU4QjRx6BAgBEAU&url=%2Furl%3Fsa%3Di%26rct%3Dj%26q%3D%26esrc%3Ds%26source%3Dimages%26cd%3D%26ved%3D%26url%3Dhttps%253A%252F%252Fwww.pinterest.com%252Fpin%252F65654107047952964%252F%26psig%3DAOvVaw0qSGvzbPK7ek5qkBmTz0Sx%26ust%3D1553344135030494&psig=AOvVaw0qSGvzbPK7ek5qkBmTz0Sx&ust=1553344135030494

ps. not sure how to add pictures, hopefully this shows if not, how to you post pictures?
If you check out the "How to embed images into your post" section of this post, you can try following the instructions. It should look a little something like this:
Spoiler
(https://www.yourtango.com/cdn/farfuture/i0_yPgEFcOjYdZBM1Hc66o1xJM_CE6ukAyGQJEmD8Og/mtime:1473345162/sites/default/files/53friendshipquotes.jpg)

Alternative method for images that exist already online:
1. Find image you want on internet.
2. Get the link of the photo (make sure it's the link of the photo specifically), usually via "copy image address" or something similar. (I tend to right click on a PC. Might be different on other devices.) 
3. Click the "Insert image" button (the button above the post box with the tiny pic of the Mona Lisa on it) and insert the link between the two sets of square brackets.
4. Optional: If you like, you can adjust the width and height to make the image a different size, like I did, by adding "width=[insert number here]" and "height=[insert number here]" after "img" in the first set of square brackets. (I made it smaller above.)

Tip: It's easier on a PC than a phone, I find.
You can give it a shot in your next post, if you wish. :)
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on March 26, 2019, 08:28:47 pm
Thankyou AngelWings!

Eh... this post starts positive but then goes down the scale, feeling pretty down and stressed this week.

Saturday I saw Milk mans basketball preliminary final (sadly he lost, but nearly got a buzzer shot) (is that what you call it? I am clearly no basketball fanatic).
Then I participated in my local relay for life, my school had a team and I was lucky to get the time off work to participate. It was great fun! I got to talk to some people I havent really before and listened to some moving speeches before participating in the night ceremony which was quite emotional. But it was a great night, all I have to say is Fuck cancer, Fuck it so hard. I hate how all these innocent lives are taken by this terrible disease. This world needs to stop with all this iPhone 10X and electric cars bs and focus on the health and lives of our people and the 1 disease killing us all. honestly (mini rant over)

We have a new junior at work (the last one just never showed up after her trial so we think she is gone) she is so nice, I might be starting to get only 1 day to work a weekend now, which gives me time for study but I also don't make as much money which sucks a little as I am saving for a car.

Bagel Boy has a cardiologist appointment this weekend because his heartbeats are still a little out of rhythm, bless his soul. I have recently found out some things about him that are unfortunately true and are mistakes but I am helping him through them.

I have a little drama between two people, one I am taking a break from a friendship but still have mixed feelings and don't know what to do, I had an encounter with her the other day and it was quite awkward and left me feeling confused and unwanted anymore so I feel like I have an answer but I am still somehow holding on to some link between the friendship...idk hope maybe.
The other one has been quite degrading and abrupt towards me so I have been avoiding her a bit for my own self, but now she is starting a bit of drama because of it and I am just doing it to keep me stress free and not upset and sad atm, I am liking this little high I am on, but I am falling again.

In good news that math test I did I got a 98%! I was so wrapped but quite disappointed when I found out the only thing that stopped me from getting 100% was that I decreased 12% of a number instead of increasing, which sucks. Didnt realise how half a mark can equivocate to 2% but ok. Best math score I have ever received and I am so stoked and proud of myself.

In other news, I am getting very stressed and longing for the holidays. I have so much the next two weeks and I hate how the 3 weeks leading up to holidays are always hell. I have a literature essay, math investigation task, science assignment, French assignment and health blog, English creative piece, and another Bio sac.
All crammed in these last 2 weeks.
and I am working most of this weekend as the new junior has her Deb ( which I completely understand and am happy to fill in for her just....yeah).

My diet hasn't been good at all lately and I am starting to feel quite depressed about it. and now holidays are coming up and we are going away which isn't good. I don't want to put on anymore weight. I am scared I will fall back into habits of starving myself. (I used to only eat dinner and even then it was only some of it.) Ik its not good for me and ik the consequences but idk. I guess I am just desperate to be like a normal teenager, able to wear a crop shirt down the street, able to look good in a skin tight dress. My self loathing has gotten so bad that when I get complimented I just feel its pity because I am so fat or ugly or idk. I have been trying to love myself and my body but it doesn't work. I know I will never be truly happy until I have a "normal" feminine body and not bulges. I am starting to wear my school's jumper more lately (even when its hot) because I have been so insecure of how my butt looks and moves when I walk I mean how ridiculous is that. I hate photos being taken because two of my teeth stick out too much and make my lips look wavy, and yeah. idk. I have felt like this since forever I guess. earliest memory was when I was in grade 1 and sitting on the floor in class and one of my friends jack harmlessly asked "why are you so fat?." Yeah ik we were kids, we were 7 but I guess ever since I have felt the term "fat" as "bad" idk.

Anyways back to my biology homework, stop procrastinating lex!

Argh!

Night guys xx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Evolio on March 27, 2019, 04:09:13 pm
Hey lex!
That is a phenomenal math test score! You absolutely smashed it! You got through to the end!

I agree with your rant. More time, effort and energy should definitely be put into finding cures for diseases. I mean we need to save people first before we get all advanced with out tech right? Am i right or am I right?

Good on you for helping Bagel Boy! You are a true friend!

Don't worry. Just be yourself and everything will shine through! I know this is cliche but the inside matters, not the outside.
Also I thought I would share a quote because why not:
'Beauty isn't about having a pretty face. It is about having a pretty mind, a pretty heart, and most importantly a beautiful soul'-anonymous.

Stay true to yourself!
See ya later.
 :)
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on April 03, 2019, 10:48:26 pm
Ola!

Thanks Evolio, love ya mate!

Anyways, just a side note I am not always sad and anxious and stressed, it just seems that when I am these things I find the motivation to post....idk why.

So my 98% soon vanished as my brother got 100% on his math test, so I kept getting teased by my family when they know how sensitive I am about math (honestly, with all the breakdowns I have and how its so easily for me to think they are judging I would of thought they got the memo by now.) even my mums coworker said it as a joke to me and I laughed at it but I had not felt so down in ages after that.

Idk what's happening with all the juniors at work, the new one,(who I like and is super nice) hasn't been rostered back on in two weeks and my boss really liked her as well) this week we have an open day on Sunday so people can see all the greenhouses that aren't generally open to public so we have a lot of staff on and not just me this week, which will lower my anxiety about answering peoples questions and strengthen my anxiety about meeting my coworkers.

I have had the past 2 days off school, not feeling to stable mentally and we have had PTI's.
I went to Bagel Boy's house Tuesday with Milk Man. I am really worried about BB as he isn't the best, and he forgot to take his medication that day so he was very drowsy. Today I mostly slept and cried... like legit in a cycle. I didn't eat at all. and Idk if any of you peeps can relate but you just look in the mirror and fill yourself with self hate and just react with grabbing scissors and cutting your hair... well my hair is now much shorter, I cut off like 1.5 inches and idk why I did it. I am messed up. Like it looks fine but like the fuckkkkkk.

I just want this term to be over. My room is such a mess I havent done any homework and its all due tomorrow, I have to finish my essay, there is just so much drama and I am spiralling into old habits. idk. I feel like I can't really talk to anyone about it rn. so hi guys!
(also when I do this stuff I don't expect anything in return and its not a cry for help...its merely my way of getting it out, like how some people scream into a pillow or throw axes at targets I write....and write.....and write.)

Eh... I should probably go now!

Don't forget to like and subscribe! and comment down below! (hehe sorry)

Au revoir tout le monde!
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: PhoenixxFire on April 07, 2019, 07:46:03 am
Anyways, just a side note I am not always sad and anxious and stressed, it just seems that when I am these things I find the motivation to post....idk why.
Yeah that tends to be when I update my journal too. I guess it just helps to write out what's going on when you're feeling like that.

So my 98% soon vanished as my brother got 100% on his math test, so I kept getting teased by my family when they know how sensitive I am about math (honestly, with all the breakdowns I have and how its so easily for me to think they are judging I would of thought they got the memo by now.) even my mums coworker said it as a joke to me and I laughed at it but I had not felt so down in ages after that.
Ooft. Yeah that's shit. Do you think you could try telling them that comparing you to your brother hurts or would that not make a difference? (Totally get if it wouldn't help though - my family wouldn't care at all).

Idk what's happening with all the juniors at work, the new one,(who I like and is super nice) hasn't been rostered back on in two weeks and my boss really liked her as well) this week we have an open day on Sunday so people can see all the greenhouses that aren't generally open to public so we have a lot of staff on and not just me this week, which will lower my anxiety about answering peoples questions and strengthen my anxiety about meeting my coworkers.

I have had the past 2 days off school, not feeling to stable mentally and we have had PTI's.
I went to Bagel Boy's house Tuesday with Milk Man. I am really worried about BB as he isn't the best, and he forgot to take his medication that day so he was very drowsy. Today I mostly slept and cried... like legit in a cycle. I didn't eat at all. and Idk if any of you peeps can relate but you just look in the mirror and fill yourself with self hate and just react with grabbing scissors and cutting your hair... well my hair is now much shorter, I cut off like 1.5 inches and idk why I did it. I am messed up. Like it looks fine but like the fuckkkkkk.
Is there anything you enjoy that you could do as a distraction when you start to feel like that? Drawing or playing a game or writing or something?
I've almost cut my hair short so many times maybe I'll actually do it someday but I kinda like the aesthetic I've got going at the moment so not just yet

I just want this term to be over. My room is such a mess I havent done any homework and its all due tomorrow, I have to finish my essay, there is just so much drama and I am spiralling into old habits. idk. I feel like I can't really talk to anyone about it rn. so hi guys!
(also when I do this stuff I don't expect anything in return and its not a cry for help...its merely my way of getting it out, like how some people scream into a pillow or throw axes at targets I write....and write.....and write.)

Eh... I should probably go now!

Don't forget to like and subscribe! and comment down below! (hehe sorry)

Au revoir tout le monde!
Got any plans for the holidays? Are you going to the meetup tomorrow?
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Bri MT on April 07, 2019, 09:45:44 am
Things might be a mess & it might be hard to see yourself making progress but if you keep trying you eventually look back and see how much has changed.

Hope being on holidays helps you stop the slide soon :)
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on April 08, 2019, 01:37:32 pm
Yeah that tends to be when I update my journal too. I guess it just helps to write out what's going on when you're feeling like that.

Ooft. Yeah that's shit. Do you think you could try telling them that comparing you to your brother hurts or would that not make a difference? (Totally get if it wouldn't help though - my family wouldn't care at all).

Is there anything you enjoy that you could do as a distraction when you start to feel like that? Drawing or playing a game or writing or something?
I've almost cut my hair short so many times maybe I'll actually do it someday but I kinda like the aesthetic I've got going at the moment so not just yet

Got any plans for the holidays? Are you going to the meetup tomorrow?

yeah it does.

they know it hurts, idk I guess they are just trying to get a reaction, what pisses me off most is that a) he is year 7 so it doesn't really matter and b) he is good at math so its a given, I had to study and do practice questions and the prac test twice and consulted the same math teacher as last time to get some help. so Yeah.

Honestly idk, I generally watch youtube but I guess that day I was like fuck it lets cut it. haha, so now I have my hair and the it just drops shorter. oops... oh well have tied it back the last two days so noone has seen it... ::)

Yes, all my homework, clean my room, study for a BIO sac 2nd week (on photosynthesis, enzymes and the digestive system)...SO PUMPED! (and for once that ain't sarcasm, I actually love biology so much. I am going away to NSW for the easter weekend and will be seeing my cousin, we are pretty close so I can't wait to see him!
We are planning on recording some cover songs together. Because we both love to sing. I have actually been thinking of this recently. Dk if I will go through with it because I am an anxious and hate the attention on me but recently I have gotten the courage to sing infront of my friends and send recordings and all responses have been positive which makes me feel goos but at the same time doubtful because they are my friends so they probably feel obliged to say that. But I am thinking of starting a Youtube channel of cover songs, I did try once but my mum found it and cracked the shits and I was banned from it....literally got it back less then a year ago, idk though. I don't want to show my face so maybe just have a backdrop and them me singing with the music. Idk, look its probably one of those fantasies where I am like, one day I will do it.....and never do it.

so yeah.

Thanks Bri! You have just given me a wake up call on reality and that makes me feel better xx

Open Day at work was busy, but a good busy. We had 400 people come in the door and it was great, my coworkers are really nice (well I may not like 1 off them) but regardless, the other junior came and I was happy to see her, I like her and its good to have someone near my age to hang with. She is so sweet. But yeah, the best part of the day was probably helping an elderly lady fill out the scavenger form after you have visited 3 places because she forgot her reading glasses and couldn't read the rest. I was happy to help.

So yet to clean my room... will probably power through some homework today and then later tonight play some music and do it then. I literally cannot clean my room without music or I just won't do it....not even kidding.

I went to a concert last night after work with Milk Man to see a comedian who was apart of the Comedy Festival, it was a great night! such a great night, I don't think I have laughed or smiled so much for ages. Didnt get home till after midnight though and then this morning I headed down to the local market to have a look, I bought a candle that Is burning next to me as we speak. Smells divine! Also bought some makeup (ik ik).
But yeah, anyways I have an English narrative waiting to be finished and a literature assignment screaming for my attention.
Adios guys.
xxxxxxxxxx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Joseph41 on April 09, 2019, 05:25:12 pm
Who'd you see at the Comedy Festival? :)
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on April 09, 2019, 06:44:49 pm
Who'd you see at the Comedy Festival? :)

Me and MM saw the Buttsmarn. There were soooooo many people, it was chaos. But it was so great. Have you been at all to the comedy festival?
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Joseph41 on April 11, 2019, 05:13:31 pm
Me and MM saw the Buttsmarn. There were soooooo many people, it was chaos. But it was so great. Have you been at all to the comedy festival?

Cool!

Yeah, I think twice. I saw Tim Minchin many years ago, and Paul Foot maybe last year or the year before. Enjoyed both!
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on April 13, 2019, 09:26:36 pm
Hola!!!!!

how is everyone? how are your holidays going?....or to you uni students, how is uni? don't fit those categories? Then how's life ma dudes?

I have been surprisingly on the positive with myself lately, feeling good, mostly because I am free from school stress and crowds of teens who I don't see as my fellow, friendly peers. but more crows waiting to eat my carcass, or police waiting for me to make 1 false move to ruin my life.... sorry my imaginative metaphors dug way too deep then  :)

Caught up with a friend a few nights ago, we had a sleepover....this is my math bud. It was great, we just talked, about life, everything, all of our problems. It was...amazing. Just sitting there and talking and not being judged or criticised or put down. it was a great conversation that lasted till 4 am....then we slept for 5 hours and went shopping!

I havent really mentioned this in detail on here but recently I have been having a few struggles with someone and I feel we are starting the fire again, may need some gasoline to help but we are getting there, and I think I am making the right choice but still taking it slow and steady! (just keep swimming just keep swimming ;)).

Worked today, was pretty good, I got fake nails!? (OMG what!?!?!? ikr) that aint me, so I am struggling a but to type this but I am getting there...think I regret the decision  :o, but yolo, its what a girl my age is ment to do right?

got to see Bagel Boy for a few hours...it was great, I miss him. I miss seeing my mates daily. I hate it. Trying to catch up with Milk Man on Tuesday but can't see it happening because...parents (ammiright!) But yeah. slowly getting through my homework...for once I might have it all done before the night before school...holy shit WHATTTT!? Ik Lexie what is happening darling?

anyways, I wanna start some conversations.
Whats one thing you are proud of yourself for doing or achieving in the last 2 weeks? I wanna make some people smile!

Lex outttttttttt.
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: PhoenixxFire on April 20, 2019, 08:51:41 pm
Hola!!!!!

how is everyone? how are your holidays going?....or to you uni students, how is uni? don't fit those categories? Then how's life ma dudes?
I'm a uni student who is also on holidays haha.
I've gotten an unsurprisingly small amount of study done these holidays lol

But yeah. slowly getting through my homework...for once I might have it all done before the night before school...holy shit WHATTTT!? Ik Lexie what is happening darling?
How are you going with it? I think I only ever finished all my holiday homework once haha

anyways, I wanna start some conversations.
Whats one thing you are proud of yourself for doing or achieving in the last 2 weeks? I wanna make some people smile!
I've actually managed to relax a bit and do some fun things, which I'm normally really bad at :) Also I made memes that people seemed to find amusing and I'm proud of that lol
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Bri MT on April 21, 2019, 10:00:24 am
Uni student on mid-semester break (1 week holiday).

I'm pretty good. I've been coping with the stress of assignments pretty well & have been improving my sleeping patterns :)

I'm proud of achieving 14/15 on my website assignment - I didn't expect to get such a high mark (no one really get 100%s on assignments in Impact through Science units). I can also see why I couldn't have gotten 100% which is nice :)
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on April 28, 2019, 09:39:46 pm
I've actually managed to relax a bit and do some fun things, which I'm normally really bad at :) Also I made memes that people seemed to find amusing and I'm proud of that lol

I'm proud of achieving 14/15 on my website assignment - I didn't expect to get such a high mark (no one really get 100%s on assignments in Impact through Science units). I can also see why I couldn't have gotten 100% which is nice :)

Hey guys, sorry I haven't updated in a while, I have been suffering from a lack of motivation.

Proud of you PF and BMT! Onya's!

My break was good, Easter Sunday was amazing for me, and it wasn't the food or the fish I caught (literally went fishing for 12 hours and got NOTHING!) But I spent the whole day with my cousin and it was great. Fast tracked into the whole day of chatting, I am slowly building up some courage and confidence to post a video of me singing on instagram. (fuckkkkkk).

Anyways, I am stressed out affff. This week I have an Open Night where I am helping the French faculty to answer any questions that people have and everything. I have a sac and a dissection and then another sac the next week! I am so stressed plus all of my other subjects that need to be done, have a major assessment in Lit, an upcoming math test, we are doing genetics in Sci and it is full ON like I am so intrigued but it is so much to take in. this term is hectic as we have so much going on, plus my work experience and I feel like I am just crumbling under pressure. every class this term already has started off with "This term is going to be hard." I am literally dying on the inside. Had a breakdown last night and was in a bad mood all day today. ARGHHHHHHH. which is a struggle when you have to be pleasant to customers.

I had heaps more to report but I am so brain dead from all my homework. I am so sorry guys. Don't know when my next update will be. I hate just writing quick stuff like this I like to think about what I wanna say and take time in my updates!

Lex out xxxxx

Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: zuijinde on April 28, 2019, 10:25:39 pm
I am slowly building up some courage and confidence to post a video of me singing on instagram. (fuckkkkkk).
I'd honestly love to hear you sing! Don't feel pressured to if you eventually change your mind though :)

Anyways, I am stressed out affff. This week I have an Open Night where I am helping the French faculty to answer any questions that people have and everything. I have a sac and a dissection and then another sac the next week! I am so stressed plus all of my other subjects that need to be done, have a major assessment in Lit, an upcoming math test, we are doing genetics in Sci and it is full ON like I am so intrigued but it is so much to take in.
I feel your pain... I'm working like 20+ hours every week plus I need to balance uni stuff. Not fun if you ask me.

  this term is hectic as we have so much going on, plus my work experience and I feel like I am just crumbling under pressure. every class this term already has started off with "This term is going to be hard." I am literally dying on the inside. Had a breakdown last night and was in a bad mood all day today. ARGHHHHHHH. which is a struggle when you have to be pleasant to customers. 
If you need to, take a break from work. I was extremely greedy back when I did VCE that I neglected my insanity tolerance lol, I kinda wished I took breaks to focus on my schoolwork and other stuff.

I had heaps more to report but I am so brain dead from all my homework. I am so sorry guys. Don't know when my next update will be. I hate just writing quick stuff like this I like to think about what I wanna say and take time in my updates! 
Keep up with the updates! Your journal is great to read and one of my favourites out of the bunch
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on May 02, 2019, 07:04:16 pm
I'd honestly love to hear you sing! Don't feel pressured to if you eventually change your mind though :)
I feel your pain... I'm working like 20+ hours every week plus I need to balance uni stuff. Not fun if you ask me.
 If you need to, take a break from work. I was extremely greedy back when I did VCE that I neglected my insanity tolerance lol, I kinda wished I took breaks to focus on my schoolwork and other stuff.
 Keep up with the updates! Your journal is great to read and one of my favourites out of the bunch

aww Thankyou so much zuijinde! That puts a big smile on my face.

In other news, my school is attending the careers expo in Caulfield tomorrow, is anyone gonna be there at the AN booth? I'm gonna come say hi but idk wether to say it is me, just wanna know who is there and get a little involved even if it is just a quick hello. Wanna keep the journal away from my school life so if I am with Milkman and Bagel Boy I will say hi, as they know but yeah.
who's coming?!
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: PhoenixxFire on May 02, 2019, 07:28:01 pm
^I think J41 will be there (or at least I think he's gonna be there for some of the days), he's probably the only person you'd know though.
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on May 02, 2019, 07:31:29 pm
^I think J41 will be there (or at least I think he's gonna be there for some of the days), he's probably the only person you'd know though.

Thanks PF! Yeah just people who read and know this journal. I would like to meet some of the people that impact me even by just a small comment. I appreciate it all so much and am so grateful, Thankyou guys!!!!
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on May 04, 2019, 10:37:49 pm
Whatsup Snitzel SQUADDDD (if you get that...I LOVE YOU)

sooooo... update!

well this week has been quite fast paced.

I am falling behind in Literature which is not good but at the same time its my fault as I haven't don't any homework this weekend and am working all tomorrow!

Now I am having a mind blank and can't remember my week to update ya's!  :(

ummmmmm, Monday.......nothing really exciting happened Monday.
Tuesday I dissected a rat in biology, I actually enjoyed it so much, it was so fascinating and getting a visual of what I have been learning made it better. I called my rat Wez. even though it was a girl  ;D

Friday I attended the careers expo, I actually had lots of fun, I went around with my mates and visited all the uni's and even wandered past the AN booth! I just ended up being an anxious idiot and didn't say much. I saw a guy and girl there though and asked if the books were for sale...I literally bought like $10 so I couldn't get one. So Joseph 41 if that was you....hi!

Wednesday Milk Man had an excursion so it was just me and Bagel Boy for the day....HE IS 16 SOON OMGGGG. We had a good chat. And then continued after school by FaceTiming for 4 hours  ;D.

This weekend not much happened I went shopping today at Costco. Worst.Experience.Ever it was so busy and I was so anxious. Then I saw someone I knew and was so awkward talking to them arghhhhhhh. I couldn't get out of their quick enough!

Tomorrow I am working all day so yeah.

This week I have 2 sacs On Wednesday one on the Digestive System and on Friday Homeostasis. Trying to study all I can so if anyone has any useful tips or things I should remember. PLS DONT HESITATE TO HELP  ;D

Things are good with most people, not much drama this week. I am starting to reconnect with an old friend which is nice, lets see what the future has for us. But yeah. that's all I have for now.

Till next time! - ADIOS
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on May 07, 2019, 08:51:24 pm
Good Evening my friends. Sorry my posts haven't been as entertaining or energetic recently. I don't even have a proper reason why, I am just lacking everything atm. I have been so exhausted from working and study and long days (I live far away from my school and I catch the train but its still a hike like leave house at 7.30 and get back (depending on the day) sometimes as late as 7 or even 9pm. I am just so exhausted.

I have a sac tomorrow which I am feeing ok about, I have studied quite a bit for it. On Friday I battle the pages with Homeostasis, this one I am more nervous about. Not too sure why.

I have been super super stressed about exams, the rest of this term is hectic!
I have 2 sacs and an English Essay this week and then next week I have my school's work experience, the following week is normal classes and then its a week of exam prep and then exams. I feel like I will be an emotional mess the week prior and the week of exams. Ik its only year 10 and all my teachers are saying not to stress, but every class exams are mentioned and I just start freaking out.

Milkman is well, he and Bagel Boy powered through their essay today, I am proud of them, Bagel Boy struggles a little bit and only got to the 3rd topic sentence but that is a massive achievement for him. He was feeling pretty down but I said to stop comparing himself to others and be proud of your own goals and how he did heaps better then his last essay, gee, I wish I could take some of my own advice!!!!

This weekend I am working, Mothers day will be BUSYYYYY! I am not looking forward to all the anxiety but I get too see my favourite co-worker so I am happy :)

Thats all I have for you guys today!
byeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Joseph41 on May 08, 2019, 10:01:56 am
Friday I attended the careers expo, I actually had lots of fun, I went around with my mates and visited all the uni's and even wandered past the AN booth! I just ended up being an anxious idiot and didn't say much. I saw a guy and girl there though and asked if the books were for sale...I literally bought like $10 so I couldn't get one. So Joseph 41 if that was you....hi!

Yeet - yep, that was me! ;D

How did you find the Expo overall?
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on May 08, 2019, 07:55:35 pm
Yeet - yep, that was me! ;D

How did you find the Expo overall?

Sorry for being a rude introvert... :( idk I was like imma go up and say hi and say I am w0lfqu33n89 and put a face to a name and then I saw the booth and just shrunk into that shell....sorry Joseph!

I found it amazing actually I had heaps of fun and its exciting because you imagine your future and all that...allthough I did find most uni people there didn't know much. Like I would ask about the ATAR or prerequisites and they would be like um sure lemme check and flick through the book and I am like BRAH I can do that at home! haha like I was hoping for more detail. Torrens uni was very in my face I tried leaving 3 times, I was put off on their nursing programs as they were new and I wanted a place known to be good. so yeah. and the food was expensive but edible :). haha that is very critical of me but I did enjoy the day very much.
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on May 10, 2019, 01:15:21 pm
UPDATE TIME!

Hey y'all, glad I could be a little more active this week!

So, Wednesday, I completed my SAC on the Digestive System. I feel I did great and I am hoping for an A! This morning I completed my second SAC for the week on Homeostasis, I feel I definitely passed, but I am thinking I maybe got a B. Didn't work as hard which I regret, I put way too much energy into my Digestion sac when I needed to level it out.

Just completed my essay on TKAM, I think that one was a C. I hate essays and can never do them no matter how much prep and study I do. I freak and don't know what to write and then go into panic mode.

Next week I have work experience! Not sure if I have mentioned already but I am working with a family member at a place who assists and helps people with a disability. So I am so pumped to get in my element and help people as best I can. and maybe even make some friends!

What are we all doing in the next week?

Whats something you are all looking forward to this week?

Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Bri MT on May 10, 2019, 06:54:42 pm
Having a mind blank in an assessment sucks :( I don't have too much experience with this but doing a bunch of practices where you only plan + write the intro might help train you to overcome this? 

That sounds like it could be really rewarding - I hope your work experience goes well!

I'm thinking I'll update my journal over the weekend so there'll be more detail there but next week I've got an Academic Mixer (networking event) and I'll be meeting some people I'm going overseas for a leadership program with on :D
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on May 10, 2019, 10:00:06 pm
Having a mind blank in an assessment sucks :( I don't have too much experience with this but doing a bunch of practices where you only plan + write the intro might help train you to overcome this? 

That sounds like it could be really rewarding - I hope your work experience goes well!

I'm thinking I'll update my journal over the weekend so there'll be more detail there but next week I've got an Academic Mixer (networking event) and I'll be meeting some people I'm going overseas for a leadership program with on :D

Maybe I can try that! Thanks MT!

Thankyou!

Will definitely be on the lookout for an update then xx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: mango8 on May 12, 2019, 07:33:48 pm
Hey Lexi!! Remember me? I've just come back onto your journal and can not think of a better way to spend my Sunday night than read one of my fav journals!! I am so thrilled to be back and catching up on all your posts! Hope life isn't too hard and you're going to keep going honey, I have so much faith in you, I think your heart and soul is just beautiful  💝💕
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on May 14, 2019, 10:18:49 pm
Hey Lexi!! Remember me? I've just come back onto your journal and can not think of a better way to spend my Sunday night than read one of my fav journals!! I am so thrilled to be back and catching up on all your posts! Hope life isn't too hard and you're going to keep going honey, I have so much faith in you, I think your heart and soul is just beautiful  💝💕

Hey Mango! Yeah I remember you! Awwwwwwww maaaaaa gawdddddd!!! Way to spend your Sunday night? Well honey you just made my Tuesday night, made me a little teary. I love you 😘
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: mango8 on May 15, 2019, 06:07:37 pm
Hey Mango! Yeah I remember you! Awwwwwwww maaaaaa gawdddddd!!! Way to spend your Sunday night? Well honey you just made my Tuesday night, made me a little teary. I love you 😘

Well honey I'm gonna be here for the rest of the ride, because I saw from the start how much of gold you have inside of you. You deserve the world and people who see that in you. 💖💖
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on May 16, 2019, 12:12:41 am
Well honey I'm gonna be here for the rest of the ride, because I saw from the start how much of gold you have inside of you. You deserve the world and people who see that in you. 💖💖

Omg MARRY ME xxxxxx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: mango8 on May 16, 2019, 08:50:35 pm
"Oh, it's a beautiful night
I think I wanna marry you"

DO I EVEN HAVE TO THINK about my answer? I think not. Let's go honeyyy 😍😍

We both need to start finding and including people in our lives who truly respect, love, care for, appreciate and value us wholeheartedly and completely and not waste it on all those dumb people who are the ones who lost out for not appreciating and valuing us for what's inside of us and seeing our worth, which is priceless 💕

because we deserve it xxxxxx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on May 16, 2019, 10:52:21 pm
"Oh, it's a beautiful night
I think I wanna marry you"

DO I EVEN HAVE TO THINK about my answer? I think not. Let's go honeyyy 😍😍

We both need to start finding and including people in our lives who truly respect, love, care for, appreciate and value us wholeheartedly and completely and not waste it on all those dumb people who are the ones who lost out for not appreciating and valuing us for what's inside of us and seeing our worth, which is priceless 💕

because we deserve it xxxxxx

You can say that on repeat babe xx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on May 21, 2019, 09:04:07 pm
Good Evening ANers!

So this is gonna start off well and then slowly go downwards because well...I am a sleep deprived, sarcasm lacking teen rn and just need to ARGH!

So yesterday I got my SAC result back for the digestive system, which was a 73% (B) which kinda hurts as I studied my butt of and was very confident in my SAC, but I am still happy with my score and yeah. I tried hard and I passed and I guess at the end of the day I passed and that Is all that matters in senior school.

This week I have a SAC that involves creating my own experiment that involves the movement across a membrane. I sort of hate it as we covered this at the start and I am a little foggy with this area. My partner and I have chosen to look at the SA:V ratio of putting sultanas and apricots in distilled and salt water. But I still dont really have a clue. The whole SA:V ratio doesn't make sense to me, even though I have watched the enrol video on it twice and I am still confused.

So I mentioned singing a while back and how I really feel my true self when singing and how I love to sing more than anything. and on the weekend I worked up the courage to do a duet. and record it, even with melodies in the background. I am feeling quite proud of myself and we are even thinking of starting a joint account on something (yet to decide) to post our singing videos. We wanna start doing more duets which is nice. He is a beautiful singer and I feel amazed to be working with him.

This week has been slow and sad. Monday I had absolutely no motivation to do anything whatsoever. I stayed up late because I struggle to sleep when I am stressed (rip) But exams are eating away at me and I am so stressed. Like I know its only worth 5% (apparently) but we haven't even started revision week and I am loosing sleep over the stress. I am honestly scared to fail all of my exams. I know I will fail my science. And my English and lit I am scared for because we are writing essays on books we finished weeks ago and the information is slowly leaving my brain. Math exam I am probably the most relaxed for (wait wtf....didnt you mention a few posts ago how math was your weakness and you dont get it?) YES BOO YES! That is sad!!!! If math Is the exam I am least stressed about it is bad honey BAD.

so yeah there is my thoughts vomited onto a page and typed up to look somewhat neat and not confusing and scattered.

So anyways. See ya xx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Geoo on May 21, 2019, 10:30:26 pm
Hey, I haven't commented on your journal, but have been following along for a while and thought I should say hi. Yeah I really struggled on SA:V ratio! I'm still not amazing at it but I found this video really helped me https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNkP4rycLbI. A B is still an awesome mark by the way! And even though SAC stores do count, it's the rank that can mean more to VCAA. So see how well your cohort did, it may have been a harder SAC. ;)

I know it can be a real struggle this time of year with a few exams, it'll be tough and stressful but you can make it. Just think of the school holidays around the corner  ;D. Good luck with exams and try not to stress to much, it will work out in the end but i feel you pain!!!! And maths... have fun the point of my stress
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Erutepa on May 22, 2019, 04:02:56 pm
So yesterday I got my SAC result back for the digestive system, which was a 73% (B) which kinda hurts as I studied my butt of and was very confident in my SAC, but I am still happy with my score and yeah. I tried hard and I passed and I guess at the end of the day I passed and that Is all that matters in senior school.

Getting a lower result then expected does feel bad, but it's important not to just accept it. You should criticise your mistakes and really try to learn from them. Often I find my issue is with my expression, so I try to do examstyle practice.
What kinda things do you think you messed up?
This week has been slow and sad. Monday I had absolutely no motivation to do anything whatsoever. I stayed up late because I struggle to sleep when I am stressed (rip) But exams are eating away at me and I am so stressed. Like I know its only worth 5% (apparently) but we haven't even started revision week and I am loosing sleep over the stress. I am honestly scared to fail all of my exams. I know I will fail my science.
In Reguards to dealing with major stress, I might be able to give some advice. I used to deal pretty shockingly with stress, but throughout my VCE have worked on it and think I maintain a healthy level of stress. If I had to attribute it to 3 things, it would be to:

1. Find an effective routine. Routines really give you confidence in your learning and make finding motivation to study a bit easier too. My routine is to make notes (not spending too long on them), then move right onto exam style questions. While doing these I edit my notes for stuff I don't have and I will write questions I get wrong in a special book such to try and prevent further mistakes.
Whatever your routine may be, just make sure you're not wasting your precious time doing things which don't actually help you (don't read over notes instead of doing practice questions if you can help it)
Once you find a routine it just makes study seem less daunting and helps you get stuff done, thereby giving you confidence.

2. Try to expose yourself to content in advance. Even if you just read the next chapter of the textbook before the class moves onto it (not even having to make notes on it), you will find yourself much more confident when going through it in class and stressing less. I am not perfect at this, but try to do it whenever I can.

3. Do more than just study.
Have other activities outside of school that you can input your effort and time. You seem to be getting into this singing, so I hope you can keep working on it and continue to invest time in it. When study is your only focus, of course you're going to get overly stressed and lose motivation. Make sure you take breaks from it so that you can try to enjoy your study.

Anyways, sorry for the ramble and good luck on your experimental SAC!
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on May 22, 2019, 09:25:36 pm
Hey, I haven't commented on your journal, but have been following along for a while and thought I should say hi. Yeah I really struggled on SA:V ratio! I'm still not amazing at it but I found this video really helped me https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CNkP4rycLbI. A B is still an awesome mark by the way! And even though SAC stores do count, it's the rank that can mean more to VCAA. So see how well your cohort did, it may have been a harder SAC. ;)

I know it can be a real struggle this time of year with a few exams, it'll be tough and stressful but you can make it. Just think of the school holidays around the corner  ;D. Good luck with exams and try not to stress to much, it will work out in the end but i feel you pain!!!! And maths... have fun the point of my stress

hey Geoo! Thankyou for following my journal and for taking the time to say hi.....HI!
I will definitely check out that link, thank you so much! Yeah. I guess the fact I am year 10 and this is a year 11 subject does put pressure on me but in all honesty, some of the year 11's just dont care and it makes me frustrated because I love biology and know heaps of my friends that missed out on getting in.

I guess but my school is one week exam revision (starting next week) then 2 weeks of exams, then 2 weeks of semester 2 orientation and THEN holidays! It sucks. Idk, I am just an anxious stress head!


Getting a lower result then expected does feel bad, but it's important not to just accept it. You should criticise your mistakes and really try to learn from them. Often I find my issue is with my expression, so I try to do examstyle practice.
What kinda things do you think you messed up? In Reguards to dealing with major stress, I might be able to give some advice. I used to deal pretty shockingly with stress, but throughout my VCE have worked on it and think I maintain a healthy level of stress. If I had to attribute it to 3 things, it would be to:

1. Find an effective routine. Routines really give you confidence in your learning and make finding motivation to study a bit easier too. My routine is to make notes (not spending too long on them), then move right onto exam style questions. While doing these I edit my notes for stuff I don't have and I will write questions I get wrong in a special book such to try and prevent further mistakes.
Whatever your routine may be, just make sure you're not wasting your precious time doing things which don't actually help you (don't read over notes instead of doing practice questions if you can help it)
Once you find a routine it just makes study seem less daunting and helps you get stuff done, thereby giving you confidence.

2. Try to expose yourself to content in advance. Even if you just read the next chapter of the textbook before the class moves onto it (not even having to make notes on it), you will find yourself much more confident when going through it in class and stressing less. I am not perfect at this, but try to do it whenever I can.

3. Do more than just study.
Have other activities outside of school that you can input your effort and time. You seem to be getting into this singing, so I hope you can keep working on it and continue to invest time in it. When study is your only focus, of course you're going to get overly stressed and lose motivation. Make sure you take breaks from it so that you can try to enjoy your study.

Anyways, sorry for the ramble and good luck on your experimental SAC!

Hey Erutepa! Thankyou for following my journal and taking the time to help me, I really appreciate it :)!

Honestly it was little things. Like one question was worth 9 points but had different parts and it was basically a diagram of the whole digestive system and I had to label it and explain its role or what it produces. and there was one near the head, and I guessed nasal cavity... stupid ik! Because that is the frikin IMMUNE system! I think another mistake was confusing my foregut and hindgut fermenters. But yeah.

1. (I will number my responses like you did to avoid confusion :).)
I will definitely try that! Normally I make notes and then mental notes of words and phrases the teacher has said, and highlight. If I am to go complete freak on you I only use green and yellow highlighters and highlight green for what seems like information I need to know such as the definition of something and the yellow for things I didnt really understand or get 100% and either ask my teacher when he says any questions? Or do some research.

2. I have literally thought about doing that so many times but then just lacked all motivation. I am battling the 'do well in school' vs. the 'I am an adolescent who won't do anything unless I have to' It sucks but I should. That is now a new goal for me! I will attempt do do that a few times this year. Thankyou!

3. Yeah I have been told breaks are good and when I get way overstressed or I go into breakdown mode and start crying because the juice I poured myself is no longer cold because I forgot about it ik for sure I need a break. But I am also the kind to not want to stop until it is done, and if I stop halfway through a subject I loose the motivation to continue. So I will try and do a part of one subject and finish then take a break and then continue with starting the next subject.

Thankyou so much for taking Time out of your day to respond. You guys dont know how much I love to communicate with people who I feel understand.

Lex out xx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on May 29, 2019, 09:40:47 pm
Well hello there fellow ANers!
thought as I have some time up my sleeve I would poor my heart out into yet again another post.

to start off with my singing, I recorded a song with my cousin!!!!! Omg whatttt!?!?!? yes! this chick right hear had the confidence to sing infront of someone else! Honestly I still feel like compared to him I sounded like shit but hey! Baby steps, very small baby steps.

Exams are around the corner... :( following me around like my shadow. I am so stressed and have my math exam up first. Pretty sure I'm gonna fail but what can you do when your shit....am I right?

Tomorrow I have a French oral exam and I am so mad at myself as I left my book in my locker so I have to revise at recess only. SHIT!
Onya Lexie, you dumbass!

BB and MM are going well, BB has his 16th coming up soon and is letting me help to plan it! We are even having a sleepover on the night. He wants all three of us to sleepover but my parents are over protective (as usual...*inserted EYEROLL*) Like DAMNNNN His whole family is in the house that night. we aren't going to do anything wrong, nor do I want to ARGH!

Anyways my main focus for this entry is the colour Yellow. What? Huh? Yeah ik.

I just linked it to a lot of things going on lately.

As a kid I hated the colour yellow, idk why. I just always hated the colour. Then in high school I was put into Yellow House. Hated it.

The other night I was talking to my mum about chakras. (if you dont know what they are look them up they are interesting). My mum is currently seeing a counsellor and doing meditation. No need to go further but in one session she was taken inside herself to reflect and think and she was asked where on her body hurt. her response was her head, throat and stomach. In chakra, these places symbolise spirituality (head) communication (throat) and self love (stomach). And the colour for self love was yellow. She said these areas hurt because these are the places where she is hurt the most. But brushing them aside, I only want to focus on the self love thing and the colour yellow. Now I dont fully get chakras myself but I instantly felt a connection with my mum about the whole chakra and stomach pains.
She opened up to me and mentioned how she has always struggled with self love. which we had a bit of a cry over because so do i. We both have trouble loving ourselves and who we are as people and we want to fix everything about ourselves because we aren't good enough. My mum is a beautiful person and I love her to bits, we have our moments like all mums but I can never understand why she hates herself. she is the woman who has been there for me my whole entire life. She has been there every problem, every needed lecture, every time I have been hurt. I love her. I just wish she would love herself.

After talking that evening and I went to bed. I couldn't stop thinking about how I can connect with the colour yellow. Recently I have started to love yellow, before this talk with my mum and I guess I have linked it to a few things.

- Being younger and in primary school it is just so easy to not care about anything and anyone. But as soon as I was put in high school and put in yellow house, I started being insecure, hating myself, not loving anything I have or have to offer.

Dont get me wrong I have never loved myself and have always hated who I see in the mirror. but high school has taken it to the next level.

I guess its so hard to explain because no-one ever understands when I try and explain it. I have been told "just look in the mirror everyday and say you are beautiful and one day you will believe it" and I have had people get mad at me and frustrated. But I dont know how to change. I have dug this hole so deep that I couldn't even claw my way out.

If I listed everything I hated we would be here till Sunday.

I guess the colour yellow is perceived as happy and happiness. But I see it as a cover for the chakra self love. I have wanted to start buying more yellow clothes lately because I feel it goes with my brown hair and freckles. but maybe its really just my no self love shining through. Idk.

Anyways. Exams start in approximately 5 days and I am shitting myself. I feel like I am just going to fail them all because I will panic. Pray for me darlings. im gonna need it. xx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: PhoenixxFire on June 04, 2019, 08:21:01 pm
to start off with my singing, I recorded a song with my cousin!!!!! Omg whatttt!?!?!? yes! this chick right hear had the confidence to sing infront of someone else! Honestly I still feel like compared to him I sounded like shit but hey! Baby steps, very small baby steps.
That's so awesome! What song did you sing?

Exams are around the corner... :( following me around like my shadow. I am so stressed and have my math exam up first. Pretty sure I'm gonna fail but what can you do when your shit....am I right?

Tomorrow I have a French oral exam and I am so mad at myself as I left my book in my locker so I have to revise at recess only. SHIT!
Onya Lexie, you dumbass!
Just remember that you don't have too long left until the holidays, and that these exams don't determine how well you'll do in future exams, or future life more broadly. Was your oral okay?

As a kid I hated the colour yellow, idk why. I just always hated the colour. Then in high school I was put into Yellow House. Hated it.
This is exactly how I felt about yellow. Didn't think I could get a worse house colour than yellow...then I moved schools and got orange ::)

- Being younger and in primary school it is just so easy to not care about anything and anyone. But as soon as I was put in high school and put in yellow house, I started being insecure, hating myself, not loving anything I have or have to offer.

Dont get me wrong I have never loved myself and have always hated who I see in the mirror. but high school has taken it to the next level.

I guess its so hard to explain because no-one ever understands when I try and explain it. I have been told "just look in the mirror everyday and say you are beautiful and one day you will believe it" and I have had people get mad at me and frustrated. But I dont know how to change. I have dug this hole so deep that I couldn't even claw my way out.
For what it's worth, uni is significantly less bad than high school in this regard. I've found there's heaps more freedom to be yourself - and to figure out who that is - and that there are other people who have had similar experiences and do understand.

Anyways. Exams start in approximately 5 days and I am shitting myself. I feel like I am just going to fail them all because I will panic. Pray for me darlings. im gonna need it. xx
Good luck! Just take them one at a time and remember that even if they go badly they're still a useful experience and you can use them to help you improve for your next test.
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on September 12, 2019, 06:36:37 pm
hey guys, sorry for being MIA for a while. Been a tough few months. Hopefully I will get back soon but just checking in to let you guys know that I am ok, and I haven't left ATAR. I will be back soon. love you all xx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: r1ckworthy on September 12, 2019, 08:01:56 pm
hey guys, sorry for being MIA for a while. Been a tough few months. Hopefully I will get back soon but just checking in to let you guys know that I am ok, and I haven't left ATAR. I will be back soon. love you all xx

Heyyy! So glad you came back, and hope everything's okay ;D
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on September 23, 2019, 04:34:29 pm
Hello fellow ANers!
how are ya, remember me? that chick that goes by the name Lexie and has nicknames for her best friends and poor her heart out to strangers online? Thats ME!

How have you all been?

Wow last proper update was May, I was about to battle exams for the first time ever, I was planning a friends party and I spoke about the colour yellow.
So my exams were good, only failed one (science) - not because the answers were wrong but because the booklet was huge and I only got about half done :(.

My friends party was amazing, it was so great and I had the best time. I didn't end up staying over because my dad was too overprotective with Bagel boy being a guy and all UGHHHHHH! Oh well.

As for the whole self love thing, lately I have been getting a little more comfortable in my body Emphasis on the little
I have had my eye out for a nice yellow dress for months but have been unsuccessful and are yet still to find one. But I did buy a really nice black jumpsuit dress from Kmart the other day for $20. a) bargain! b) I look somewhat "mainstream" and c) I feel good in it!
I have also discovered the shop "city chic" as I am a plus size gal! And for once in  my life I am not an XL! in this store I am a medium like WHATTTTTT! I am so happy. I was able to get a dress that was $70 (with a discount) but yeah. I feel a little insecure in it as it makes me look bigger then what I already am IMO but yeah. I am a little insecure about them both though because according to my mum I "look unflattering in both" FML. Maybe its just my insecurities that make me take judgement and tough advice so much to heart but ouch!

TMI boys, but you will read on anyways because tmi for us teens is more like (info you won't regret reading....EVER).
But I got fitted. I finally have a few bras that will actually fit me. I am so happy and actually feel good in a t-shirt now.

Anyways to the question that I want to avoid and the answer you all want to know, why did I disappear off the face of the earth for nearly 5 months. Ok that was dramatic and I sounded like James Charles coming back from the Tati drama, but heyyyyyyyyyy deal with it hahahaha. Omg I promise I am not like this in person, its normally my cover up when I am nervous is be cocky when really I am clumsy and say weird shit and just.....lexie shuttt upppp.

ok so anyways. My mental health took a bit of a turn, I am at this point now where basically I know I have anxiety and maybe a bit of depression but I am too scared to get 'tested' 'medication' 'help' and all that because I am a) socially awkward b) find nothing about opening up to a stranger in person  comforting in any way and c) I struggle to accept the fact I need help when I spend my life helping others.

It all started when I had a panic attack at work...infront of my boss, infront of customers. Where I work is a family business, they are an ethnic bunch from southeastern Europe. I get the whole European way of work is work hard and put in 100%, but sometimes for me its hard. My boss, he is very strict and a little disrespectful, I don't blame him at all for this a) this is his business and he is protecting it b) I am sure his bringing up and country is what makes him a little disrespectful because of the difference in communicating and all that. But yeah, I started crying and I couldn't breathe or talk and I couldn't get my words out and I was just struggling to do everything. This may of been exam stress as well at the time but I was freaking out. He let me sit down and have some water but he said that I shouldn't cry infront of the customers because it makes him and the business look bad and I agree, but I also couldnt control it.

For a few months after that it was just on my mind 24/7, I was so stressed and anxious all the time, I would tear up on the way to work each time and call my mum when I got there crying and saying that I couldn't do it, and she would talk me out of it. I would tip toe around my boss because I would just expect him to yell at me or say something rude. So for weeks I was working like crazy making sure everything was right and fine.

Anyways, I am still working their, but I am applying everywhere else to leave my job because its not paying too well and its quite dodgy.

I am supposed to be saving for my French trip but I only have about 2,000, and I need 5,500. With the job I am working now It is impossible to make it. My French teacher and I are going crazy trying to apply for scholarships or ask local businesses for it because we have tried everything else.

I also need to look for a car because my mum doesn't want me taking hers as she has no plan b if I destroy it (thanks for the faith mum).
I have my eyes set on a Toyota Yaris, but there are like none in Victoria and they are all over 3000. So fuck that!

But yeah. I also recently had a hard month, the anniversary of my grandparents dying went by, for my pop it was 2 years on the 18/8 and my nan the 10/9. I miss them both so much. I have my 16th coming up around the corner and I am pretty sure imma fail my L's. I haven't passed the test once and I try so hard. I will admit though I haven't read the handbook.....hehehehehe.

So time for me to come clean. MM and I are dating. we have been for nearly 2 years now, so since the start of this I have said he is a friend and he's not. We had a tough patch lately and I was super depressed and not ok. I would be more anxious then ever going into school, and I self harmed once. Did it make it better? no. Did it take away my problem? No. Was I stupid? YES! I was in a desperate and messed up mind and I just wanted some release or to detour my pain from my mind and heart to any thing physical. I regret it, but thought as I tell you guys nearly everything I might as well tell you this as well. MM and I are slowly working things out. Baby steps. We are working on being more verbal and communicating more and talking about the problems and things we don't want to talk about, and be on the right path. I missed him so much but I am waking up and taking the mature path, yes I've been dating him since I was 14, but the teen having fun and the whole daydream of having a boyfriend is gone, in this month I have realized that I am so so so so serious and so passionate about my relationship that I am fighting for it. If we were your typical high school relationship I know I wouldn't of bothered with this because its not worth the pain. But for him in this moment right now it is. I am not giving up and I will try everything 3 times before I come close to it.

So there's the motherfucking tea sis. haha.

Im ok now, when I say ok I dont mean I am spending all my nights crying and reading depressing quotes like I was, I am coping I am ok, life is still hard and I am not yet out of this hole of self destruction but I can see the top, and bitch am I on my way out of it! 
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: laura_ on September 23, 2019, 07:56:13 pm
Thanks for being so honest w0lfqu33n89! It sounds like you went through a really, really tough time, but I am so glad you are feeling a little better.

Having a panic attack at work must have been really awful, especially if the people around you weren't very helpful.
ok so anyways. My mental health took a bit of a turn, I am at this point now where basically I know I have anxiety and maybe a bit of depression but I am too scared to get 'tested' 'medication' 'help' and all that because I am a) socially awkward b) find nothing about opening up to a stranger in person  comforting in any way and c) I struggle to accept the fact I need help when I spend my life helping others.
There is absolutely no shame in seeking help, and as weird as it may seem to talk to a stranger, it will be super helpful. Even if they don't give you medication, they can just give you strategies for when you are feeling certain ways. Often these can be just as effective as medication and can equip you to deal with life in general better. There are so many different things you can try when feeling anxious or having a panic attack, and if one thing doesn't work, you can always try another thing. For me, not everything works every single time, but generally one of my strategies helps.

I know how it feels when you are generally the "strong" and "helpful" one, but having a balance is a good thing too. You can have relationships where you give and take equally; this is where strong friendships are formed. And when you need to do a little more "taking" sometimes, that is okay too (as long as you still have healthy boundaries).

It sounds like you have taken some really great steps by understanding that you are struggling and looking for a new job, as well as being on your way out of the hole of self-destruction! I can't wait to hear all about your yellow dress! ;D

My PMs are always open babe! <3
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: laura_ on October 20, 2019, 09:53:13 pm
Heyo! How have you been? ;D
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on October 22, 2019, 01:20:58 pm
g'day peeps.

time for another update. I will admit this is a forced one but hopefully it gets more deep and passionate as I go when I realize how much I love writing these for you guys.

My school work is piling up all before my eyes, and I know all you year 12's will be coming at me like "my exams are right around the corner stfu" but hey in my defence I don't know what year 12 is like. I only know year 10. Anyways I am falling behind in most of my classes. even biology (and y'all know how much I love biology). Science I have been skipping or moreso wagging with one of my friends from another class. We basically know the suburb very well know because we go for walks, get coffee and even though leaving school is bad and I am still confused how I haven't gotten caught yet, its somewhat calming. With strict parents and hardly anytime to catch up outside of school, its nice and refreshing to just go for a walk and come back before the next class.

imma give some lil subheadings here so if y'all dont care about certain subjects feel free to skip :).

Science
Atm we are meant to be doing Astronomy, I don't care about it one single bit. I am only doing this subject because its compulsory for my biology class (as I am excelling I have to do year 10 science as well). My teacher is ok as he knows I keep skipping and hasn't told my coordinators but at the same time, he's way of learning is just crap. Every time I put my hand up he either sees me and ignores me or he tells me to put it down or shut up. Or he will give the class an option of what to do in that days class and then we pick one and then he spends a few minutes explaining why we are wrong and we should do something else so I am like ok buddy well dont give us the option then.

English
In this class atm we are learning about language analysis and we are practicing using the persuasive speech we just wrote. Mine was about safe injecting rooms and that they should be banned. I am struggling with the 3rd person analysis part but my teacher is the absolute bomb so I should be good.

Biology
I have my Sac this Friday. I am a little stressed and have some revision yet to do its all about genetics and pedigrees and punnet squares dominance and all that jazz. I struggle a little bit with it and I am a little slower but with a few days to revise I should be ok.

Math
In math we are 3 weeks ahead so basically we can study for exams longer which for me is great but I wish it was a different subject as I am actually ok at math this year, earlier in this blog I mentioned how my teacher from year 9 gave me so much anxiety as I struggled with my math but this year I have done alright, I even got a 100% on one of my tests.

French
So this whole year I have been blugging French and I thought it was because of my teacher but I really noticed that I find French so simple, when it comes to the grammar and writing it out and verbs and all that I actually get bored and just don't put the effort in.
With my French Trip next year I now have around 2500. My nan wants to pay and I dont want her to but I also really want to go. She said she has a bank account for me that she has been putting money in for me since I was little and that It will come from that, which made me feel better.

History
History is compulsory in year 10 for me and I hate it with an absolute passion. I was passing with flying colours until last holidays when I gave up. I dont know if it was because of the whole mental health debacle or not.

so there's my school update.

My 16th party was great I had so much fun and my friend did my makeup and I felt so beautiful....hold up...did I just say that? YES YES I DID! for once in my life I looked in the mirror and loved the girl staring back at me. My hair was nicely braided and my jumpsuit looked really nice. I had a few people over and I was able to be my crazy self for one night. But like all good things they are temporary.

I failed my Learners! Dont you just love mental breakdowns in the VicRoads carpark because the highlight of your year was going to be that you get your license and you failed! Yeah. I got 69% and I studied my butt off towards the end. I was getting 100% in every practice test but still no pass.
I hope to rebook it soon but yeah.

MM and I are still not the best. We are taking it super slow but I dont feel his complete support. Like I have spoken to a few adults about it and they say I am putting in all of the work and taking the initiative and he needs to step up. I want to believe them because deep down I know its right but oh right I'm in love with the guy. Its a battle between my head and heart and atm my heart is winning and I fear it is soon going to break.
We dont really have deep conversations anymore and our conversation has died out 5 times in the last 2 days and I am always the one to take initiative even in the conversation. I feel like he just doesn't want to talk anymore or do anything. But oh well this is my battle not yours.

Thanks y'all and shoutout to Laura_ for checking up on me, your comment recently helped me get the motivation to write this xx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Bri MT on October 23, 2019, 08:47:36 pm
We had a question on crossing parents heterozygous for two traits in my mathematical statistics tutorial this week (tutorials are kinda like the classes you're used to in highschool) and it gave me so much energy ahaha. Kinda irrelevant to your journal but punnet squares made me think of it.

Congrats on the 100% in maths but more than that congrats for keeping on trying even though things are hard.

About people going through year 12 exams atm, please don't think that being in year 10 invalidates your exam stress. Personally, year 9 was a lot rougher for me than year 12 because by the time I was in year 12 my wellbeing and mental space was much better even though the content's harder in year 12. One metaphor for this is: whether you're drowning in 2 metres of water or 20 the physiological experience of drowning isn't really going to change so why compare the depth of your water to someone else's?


I hope things ease up for you soon
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on October 26, 2019, 05:21:34 pm
We had a question on crossing parents heterozygous for two traits in my mathematical statistics tutorial this week (tutorials are kinda like the classes you're used to in highschool) and it gave me so much energy ahaha. Kinda irrelevant to your journal but punnet squares made me think of it.

Congrats on the 100% in maths but more than that congrats for keeping on trying even though things are hard.

About people going through year 12 exams atm, please don't think that being in year 10 invalidates your exam stress. Personally, year 9 was a lot rougher for me than year 12 because by the time I was in year 12 my wellbeing and mental space was much better even though the content's harder in year 12. One metaphor for this is: whether you're drowning in 2 metres of water or 20 the physiological experience of drowning isn't really going to change so why compare the depth of your water to someone else's?


I hope things ease up for you soon

Thanks Bri! In the end I was glad I didn't do much study as I found the SAC easy! just a little too long there was about 2 questions I was unable to complete in the time I was given

That last paragraph made my day and I love that metaphor. Thankyou so much!

Anyways, todays topic is self love, weightloss, healthy eating,
I have started eating healthier. My breakfasts include things like yogurt and fruit, muesli, smoothies and I have stopped having my morning coffee. Lunch is generally salad or pasta from the night before or chicken and salad rolls (homemade  :P) and dinner is the usual, chicken and veggies, salad and steak, pasta, just the normal. I have also started jogging and walking around my 3km block. I live in more of a country area so its hilly and uneven so I try to jog along the straight parts and walk the uneven parts.

I originally started this as I have my Deb next year and I really wanted to do it!.....8 rejections later and I was really down. I was depressed and doubting myself and my looks/weight more then ever (and if you know me well its shocking how down and bad I am to myself.) Its not that I necessarily ate bad, I have cut down on the sugary things I eat but I was just hardly eating at all, and I was slowly going down a path of slowly stopping to eat completely. I would never usually have any meal in the day except dinner. I would have a coffee in the morning to wake me up, drink next to no water and only eat half of my dinner and sneak out to throw the rest out. After watching documentaries and reading health blogs, it was slowly changing my perspective. I soon kept telling myself that this isn't the right route to take if I wanted to be 'acceptable' in society with my size. I have had a few instances in my life when I was straight up called big, unattractive, fat and ugly. But where most of the pain for me came from was walking into a nice store, finding something you like and never finding your size. People would always tell me I am fine and I am beautiful. But my body, feelings and stretchmarks always told me otherwise. I have struggled with my image since grade one. when I guy in my class looked at me one day and asked me "why are you so fat" I remember I started crying and since that day I have been asking myself that same question. My whole family is overweight and every family get together would be lots of food, not necessarily all bad but just heaps of food. I would watch them all eat and then hardly eat myself. I would make it look like I had eaten more then I have. I made a vow to myself when I was younger that I would be the first one to not get older and be diabetic, or obese. I have never had the same lifestyle as them but I never wanted to start. it sounds horrible and hypocritical of me in a way but I hated the confrontation I faced going to family Christmas's or easters. Just looking around and looking at myself praying I would never ever be the same. I dont want to have back issues because I'm so fat, I dont want to die too soon because my kidneys failed and the dialysis wasn't working and I dont want to get a disease where I deteriorate and loose my memory from smoking and bad diets. I REFUSE TO BE LIKE THEM.

For once I have control. I am the one who gets to choose what I eat, I am the one who finds motivation to go for walks and jogs around my block. This is my choice. Somedays its hard. and I dont want to go for a walk. I would rather curl up in bed and watch depressing shows or listen to sad songs. and talk to people and pretend I am ok. Somedays I cant wait to go for a walk. And other days I feel ill, I doubt myself, I look at myself in the mirror and think you will never change, I fear that I will make no progress because maybe its genetic. I fear that I will loose the weight and still hate myself. My goal isn't to be a model, or wear skin tight dresses. It used to be. But now I just want to see a photo of me and say "I remember that day it was awesome" instead of "why am I so fat?" I want to look in the mirror and think "your hair is so nice today" instead of "not those fucking stretch marks again" I want to feel like I am in the same category as my friends. I dont want to feel 100 miles away from happiness. And this is my start.
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Bri MT on October 26, 2019, 06:18:18 pm


No worries! I'm glad you found it useful :)


It's good to hear that you're focusing on your health & I hope that you start to feel more confident and comfortable in yourself soon :).
I'm far from a health professional but one thing to be cautious of is that coming from a background of family members being overweight increases the chances of developing an eating disorder. If you find that you struggle to achieve your goals I would definitely recommend you see a doctor about this; I'd hate to see you follow a fad diet or social media advice and end up in a worse place
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Geoo on October 26, 2019, 07:42:53 pm
It's awesome to hear that you are trying for better health! It really is super important, I can relate so much to what you said about body image, it really can get to you sometimes.
My biggest health thing I am trying to improve is reducing my sugar, I tend to eat alot of chocolate. Do you have that one vice that is hard to resist?
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on November 20, 2019, 10:38:55 am
Thanks Bri and Geoo, y'all are gonna hate me though. I haven't been chugging along at all lately. My deb count is up to 14 rejections, I am at the lowest of the low with my mental health and self care and my healthy eating streak is all over the place. Ive hardly walked the last 2 weeks, I am moody and I can't sleep properly. Problems with the boyfriend still aren't the best. family isn't the best, and I have started to see a psychologist. In a nut shell, I love her, she is lovely but also says "your lost" and that I should have started seeing a psych around 2 years ago. I am still eating relatively healthy just not actually eating food regularly. my sleeping patterns are crazy, I am staying up most nights really late, my room is a mess, and I am getting so gross I am wearing the sam shirt 3 times before washing. I do have some days I put my clothes in the wash because I think its gross, and other days I don't give 2 shits. I have had so many breakdowns at school to the point I can now say I have hugged my French teacher and coordinator. OMG. The school bathrooms are my new best friend if I'm honest. I feel like everything in my life is falling apart and I no longer have control, but I have been granted VIP tickets for a gold class screening in 3D of my life falling apart. I am loosing friends and people who mean the world to me and I am scared I am just going to keep getting worse. My psych cant see me again until after xmas and the weather is getting hotter and I have like no shorts and t-shirts I have like one good pair of shorts and 3 t-shirts I wear alternating. I am just on edge all the time and I feel like I can never relax and breathe I feel like I am always aching and even in bed I cant relax, I toss and turn and really all my life consists of now is studying for exams (with a shit tonne of procrastinating), attempted sleeping, breakdowns, Netflix.
I just want to change my name, die my hair, HELL IMMA CUT BANGS BITCH, change my name, and fuck off to another country and start fresh. I feel so done in my world right now. All I do is screw everything up and ruin it myself. 
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Bri MT on November 20, 2019, 11:06:53 am
Thanks Bri and Geoo, y'all are gonna hate me though. I haven't been chugging along at all lately. My deb count is up to 14 rejections, I am at the lowest of the low with my mental health and self care and my healthy eating streak is all over the place. Ive hardly walked the last 2 weeks, I am moody and I can't sleep properly. Problems with the boyfriend still aren't the best. family isn't the best, and I have started to see a psychologist. In a nut shell, I love her, she is lovely but also says "your lost" and that I should have started seeing a psych around 2 years ago. I am still eating relatively healthy just not actually eating food regularly. my sleeping patterns are crazy, I am staying up most nights really late, my room is a mess, and I am getting so gross I am wearing the sam shirt 3 times before washing. I do have some days I put my clothes in the wash because I think its gross, and other days I don't give 2 shits. I have had so many breakdowns at school to the point I can now say I have hugged my French teacher and coordinator. OMG. The school bathrooms are my new best friend if I'm honest. I feel like everything in my life is falling apart and I no longer have control, but I have been granted VIP tickets for a gold class screening in 3D of my life falling apart. I am loosing friends and people who mean the world to me and I am scared I am just going to keep getting worse. My psych cant see me again until after xmas and the weather is getting hotter and I have like no shorts and t-shirts I have like one good pair of shorts and 3 t-shirts I wear alternating. I am just on edge all the time and I feel like I can never relax and breathe I feel like I am always aching and even in bed I cant relax, I toss and turn and really all my life consists of now is studying for exams (with a shit tonne of procrastinating), attempted sleeping, breakdowns, Netflix.
I just want to change my name, die my hair, HELL IMMA CUT BANGS BITCH, change my name, and fuck off to another country and start fresh. I feel so done in my world right now. All I do is screw everything up and ruin it myself. 

Hey,

I absolutely don't hate you. You're struggling (a lot) so you've enlisted the aid of a professional to help you with this. You're not at the stage you want to be at and you've identified particular things you want to change. Absolutely none of that would be cause for me to hate or dislike you.

It's going to continue being hard for a while but you can push through this and gradually climb back up. There'll be times when you slip and lose some of your progress but that's ok - it's part of the journey too. Please try to be kind and forgiving of yourself - you won't always succeed with this but practicing it more will help you on your journey.

And honestly, if you screw up your year 10 exams it's not going to have huge future ramifications. At the time it sucks, but it doesn't hang around for very long afterwards. Two years before I broke my school's study score record (did this w/ bio) my science teacher (who was later my bio 3/4 teacher) told me I wouldn't be able to cope with VCE. When I was able to bring myself together and be the student I wanted to be they were very supportive and were a major part of me achieving what I did. Point is, what you do now & the relationships you have now doesn't have to be what you have in a couple of years - and sometimes that's a good thing.

Sometimes it takes things falling apart to build a beautiful mosaic. I wouldn't wish this on you, but I fully believe you'll be able to get to a place that's both different and better.
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Geoo on November 20, 2019, 12:27:34 pm
I second what bri has said 100%.
You are going through a hard time, and I was in a similar place last year during the same time. I can be super cliche and say that it will get better in time, but I know that it really doesn't seem like it. The good thing is is that you are getting help which is amazing, and as bri said, I wouldn't care to much about doing well in year 10 exams as they really don't mean much for the future.

At the moment all i can really advise is to look after yourself and do what you need to do to feel better. From personal experience maybe focus more on your health instead of your education, as your health is always the most important and without it, you can't really do anything else. So take some time for yourself, make small goals and take a breather. Do some things that you enjoy that are small, maybe go treat yourself with a new pair of shorts, go for a small walk, hang out with a few friends and even let them know how you are feeling.

It well get better over time, and look after yourself especially your health! PM me if you need to talk :)

Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: laura_ on November 20, 2019, 05:31:56 pm
So sorry you're feeling like this w0olfqu33n. Although things feel really awful right now, I'm so glad to hear you've got some professional support. It's fantastic that you like your psych and hopefully, she'll be just one of the people in your life that can support you through this time in your life. I know it seems like a while before you can see her again (and sounds like a while too), but you only have to hold on a little longer. Hopefully, she's given you some things to try in the meantime.

Can totally relate to feeling like you can't breathe all the time. Was literally almost given an asthma puffer, before my doctor realised that I was just super stressed and anxious. It's not a nice feeling, but it is something that will eventually pass. When I was really struggling, I thought that there was no way things would ever get and better, but then I woke up one day, looked back, and realised that things were better than they had been a month ago, and a lot better than they had been the month before that. You'll start making progress, and before you know it, this will be behind you.

Although this phase is dark and gloomy, remember that the sun is just behind the horizon, and will come again. <3

And like Geo and Bri said, focus on you at the minute. (Stuff those exams; they mean literally nothing.)
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Evolio on November 21, 2019, 06:53:41 pm
Hi w0lfqu33n.
I agree with everyone above.
I just wanted to say that hang in there and you will get through this dark time. I know it looks like there's no way out and it's a neverending cycle but the cycle will break sometime. Believe me, I've experienced dark times as well and they do get better. Just stay strong. I know you are strong! You can beat this.

Quote
I feel so done in my world right now. All I do is screw everything up and ruin it myself.
I feel like this sometimes as well. But, you know what, you just got to persevere and stay strong and time will heal you. Just give it some time.

Also, about your exams, they literally mean nothing and your mental health is priority number one so I would focus on that.

Keep shining!
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Snow Leopard on November 29, 2019, 08:18:05 pm
Hey w0lfqu33en, I hope you're well!

Have you finished Yr 10 Exams?
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on December 07, 2019, 01:54:27 pm
life's been shit, you will have an update soon when I can motivate myself to explain my thoughts once again but for now, I found this in one of my notebooks, I think I wrote it, because when I googled it nothing came up, if so then I am very proud of it because I still believe every word is real;

"life is a masquerade,

a ball in which we dance, with glittering masks and hidden features - both physical and emotional.
we school our faces into a smile, we place makeup on our lashes and cheeks.
we use confidence as a barrier, insults as a wall.
we guard our hearts from hurt, but in doing so, we may
cut ourselves off from the rest of the world.
our whole society is a masquerade. A place without trust,
because everyone is too afraid to take off their masks"
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on December 22, 2019, 08:28:40 pm
Whats your puppeteer like? Does he take the words out of your mouth like a ventriloquist? Does he make a joke out of your expense? Does he play with you? And use you up till there's nothing? Does he make you cry to make him seem like the hero and like he has power? Does he pull on your strings until your shoulders bleed with the pain of loosing control...never having it in the first place.

Does your doll house have doors? or are you stuck inside? Do the lights work, or are you stuck in the dark too? Does your doll house have lots of rooms? Or are you only allowed In one? Maybe it's the kitchen?

My doll house is lonely, barricaded and in the middle of nowhere. I have access to every room, but only feel at home in one. My lights work, but I like them off. Im stuck inside and take every opportunity to get out. It's a cruel world, but it's a cruel house too. I have doors but my puppeteer gets mad when I open them.
He doesn't take the words out of my mouth he just manipulates and changes them. he makes jokes about me, like I'm not even there. he uses me up not until there is nothing, but until I am nothing, I don't matter, I don't have access to an opinion. He doesn't make me cry, I cry for him. I cry because of him. My shoulders are bleeding and there is a tightness in my chest, there is fog in my eyes and there is a slow heartbeat. Im nearly gone.

What's it like having power? Being able to breathe? Being free?

My ventriloquist is the world. My dollhouse is my world. The puppet, is me.

Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Bri MT on December 22, 2019, 08:58:58 pm
Hey Lexie,

Feeling powerless is awful and painful. Finding it difficult or impossible to express yourself can make this feel more suffocating but I promise you that - however densely things seem to close on you - you still have your core of being you, Lexie. A puppet being moved in strange ways doesn't change what the puppet is made of or devalue it. Getting through this is hard but it will pass, even if it doesn't feel like it will.

I hope you have support to help you through this. Either way you'll get out eventually but you deserve support to aid you along the way.


Absolute best of luck
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on December 28, 2019, 10:03:58 pm
a question I will always and forever ask myself;

"WHY DO I RUIN EVERYTHING I FUCKING TOUCH"
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Poet on December 28, 2019, 11:17:24 pm
a question I will always and forever ask myself;

"WHY DO I RUIN EVERYTHING I FUCKING TOUCH"
The answer to that question:

You don't.

The world is full of ups and downs; and granted, there are consequences for everything. Sometimes it can seem as if everything you do is wrong, that even when you think you're doing something right it's not, that somehow the world is against you. It's not.

Please remind yourself that there are some things completely out of your control - that includes other people's actions. It can be difficult to not blame yourself for the things directly affecting you in the moment. But things will change for you. It may take some work, and you may need help along the way, but this feeling is not yours alone to bear. We all just have to keep reminding ourselves that with every mistake there's a lesson, and with every lesson there's improvement.

Dont be afraid to reach out for help. Don't forget that you are loved and cared for. Especially so if you are struggling to love and care for yourself.
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on January 12, 2020, 05:52:34 pm
how do I even begin this one?
well Im a fucking mess. but what's changed really? I seem to post these when I am at my worst.
MM and I broke up. I am the one who ended it. I didn't want to and I certainly didn't have fun doing it. I was a mess and I still am as it was only a few days ago. 2 years. We were together for two years. 2 years of ups and downs, 2 years of some of the best memories of my life, but also 2 years of being continuously let down and 2 years of me always crying over things about him and the relationship that really bothered me and I never had the guts to discuss. and when I did it would end up in a fight. I want it to work, and I want to try again and its so hard not to go running back and saying "forget everything, just forget and let's start again." but what good will that do to me right now? I am getting into VCE, my mental health Is spiralling, I'm figuring things out with my psychologist and this relationship is where 2/3 of the shit in my head is coming from. Im a selfless person I always push my shit aside and put others first, that's my way of dealing with things, I push it aside and I pretend im fine when I know im not. Sometimes I've been so good at it that I forget its even there until I get anxious over something small or I go through a depressive stage and I just start crying and I don't stop for hours. because all the things I have hidden from myself and others come flooding out. Thats how I work. I never cry, I hardly cry but when I do its for a long time and I am a hot mess, and not the good kind. Ive been crying and crying for days every time I think about MM or I need someone or I fight with my parents and I need someone to turn to, I remember he's not there anymore, he can't be the person I go to. I've told a handful of people. and I feel like they don't care. only maybe one. My friends say they are there for me yet when I open up they say "I dont know what to say." "idk what to do." and then I feel vulnerable and like I have wasted my breath. my fucks are really down to zero now. so I shut myself out, I dont respond, because I dont want to be let down. whatever happened to new year new me huh? I started my year in NSW, I got my learners, I was with my cousin who is like a brother to me and within a week, im heartbroken and lost, depressed and filled with anger, anxious and jumping at every noise, crying at every cute couple photo I see on instagram and crying at the sad quotes on my facebook feed. everything is a trigger, my mind makes it one. that's how destructive I am of myself. I dont care about me. I never have. I hate myself. and I am so so ashamed of the girl I see. I feels lost in my own mind and its like its not even related to me. Its my enemy. A parasite that's eating me away. Thats how I feel. Noone can help me, but myself. but all I want to do is throw the trash out, and im the trash.

I fucked up even more. I called him, crying I said that I miss him when I need to remember he isn't the one to support me anymore.

and again. I started eating healthy and doing 2km on the treadmill every night. That lasted 4 days until I broke up with him. Now the only excuse I use to get out of bed is to eat and pee. and even then I wait till my bladder is screaming and my stomach is churning. I try watching Netflix but every cute scene with a couple, or even a reminder of something he once said makes me crumble.

Im a mess.

all I wanna do is stay in bed all year and wait it out till 2021.

anyways to end this with something that's not all about me, I hope everyone had a good xmas and new year and if anyone on here was affected by fires to please stay safe and I hope you are all ok. Get the vic emergency app. pls xx

- Lex  :'( :-\ :(
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Snow Leopard on January 12, 2020, 09:28:38 pm
within a week, im heartbroken and lost, depressed and filled with anger, anxious and jumping at every noise, crying at every cute couple photo I see on instagram and crying at the sad quotes on my facebook feed.
Hey,
I don't know how helpful this would be, but maybe try staying off social media for a bit to help you reduce the triggers or at least until you feel a bit better.
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: AngelWings on January 12, 2020, 09:41:06 pm
Hey w0lfqu33n89/ Lex.

Although youíll be feeling pretty terrible at the moment, remember that with time, things heal little by little. Having relatively recently broken up with someone as well, I empathise that it sucks. I imagine that itíd be even tougher being the one who had to tell them the bad news. Iím not trying to downplay the situation, because it was and is significant to you, but while negative things happen and hurt so much, thereís also the good that comes from it. You will no longer have the same issues as you were having before. Things will slowly become better as you realise that you donít need to be with him to love again. You will be able to grow from this experience and learn that you are much stronger than you once thought.

While it is good to mourn the loss of something that you cared for so much, thereís also the other side - the figurative getting back up on your horse. You wonít be the same again, but you will also be stronger, smarter and braver one day. It may not be today but one day youíll get there. Just take it easy and take one step at a time. Perhaps the first step is to mute/ block their number so you arenít tempted to call him again. As always, please continue to seek mental health professionals as you have done when things get tough; you donít have to deal with this alone and shouldnít have to.

Hereís hoping the coming days get easier for you.
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on January 21, 2020, 01:39:50 pm
Thanks AngelWings and Snowleopard xxxx

To say things are better would be a lie, but things have changed. I still get upset and have long lasting intervals of tears but they are not as often. Its more feeling sorry and sad for myself. Ive been staying up till 2,3,4am because I try to sleep and all I think about is him. I see his face, I think of all the good times and question myself why I was so stupid and ended it. But at the same time My mind is trying to push away and forget the bad things. I was talking to my psychologist the other day and she asked me to give her some examples. I could only think of one. She said I am a type of person who doesn't want to feel the pain so I push it far back into my mind and then something will happen like a big trigger or a big event and I will loose my shit and it will all come flowing out. I agreed, because ik I do that. But idk how to stop it. I removed his number, so he has to contact me for me to have it. I had to stop myself and cry for 15mins to stop me from writing it down. I haven't checked his social media, I've put his gifts and cards in a box in my cupboard where I can't see them, but it still hurts. I see the empty part of shelf were they all once stood and I still feel sad. The other day I got so upset that I started hugging this soft toy he gave me while I cried, then I got angry because it was always me, I had to ask for the help and support. I got angry because this toy wasn't doing anything. I picked it up and through it across my room and I started kicking things around. I miss him. I go to bed wanting to be held, I want an arm around me. Hugging a pillow isn't enough, im not getting the support im just giving it to an inanimate object. It makes me mad because ive never fallen asleep with me in his arms, but why do I want it now? Ive tried focusing on other things like my holiday homework and looking after this plant for my cousin and eating good foods. But I still get those moments alone where I just drift and think and I hurt. It hurts. Last night I stayed up till 3am doing biology, it gets my mind ticking. Then I got too tired so I went to bed and played my phone. Then I tried sleeping and that's when my mind woke up. Everywhere I saw his face, that cute smiley face, his tanned skin and his glasses. fuck. why. It's over. Stop it. I put on a sleep story and tried sleeping whilst listening to that, I relaxed my body and tried. Eventually after 3 sleep stories I was too tired to think and I went to bed.

I would say it was better then it was before, but its not. I feel really let down as one of our main issues was that he didn't understand my thoughts. I granted him access to my blog and told him my username. He said he would read it. He hasn't been active since last year. It hurts because I thought this was the key to understanding, and the first stage to getting better. But its impossible to do that without understanding. But I cant expect him to read this if he dent want to. I just want him to want to. I want someone to care. A small part of me always thought he didnt. I am anticipating a text message from him. But at the same time ik I shouldn't hear from him. It will just dig up so many slowly healing wounds.

ik him too well it will go along the lines of "hey lex! how have you been? My holidays was great we did this and this...." I don't want to know if he's happy. It pisses me off he is fine and I am struggling to get through a day without crying. Why do breakups suck? I told him it might not be the end of us, and that if things get better we could try again. But all I see and feel atm is it just getting worse and worse.

Sorry for the way I have been lately guys, I apologize for sounding so dramatic and lost, its just when my fingers click on these buttons my mind flows and I need to let it out. Thankyou for sticking here and supporting me for over a year now. xx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Bri MT on January 21, 2020, 01:51:57 pm
Hey,

nothing to apologise for. It's ok to struggle, to have intense emotions & to feel lost. I'm proud of you for taking steps to help you work through them. I'm glad that you can use this is a space to get some of that stuff out receive support back.

I hope it gets easier soon
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Evolio on January 21, 2020, 05:42:37 pm
Hello lex

Don't apologise. It's good to just let everything out and say whatever you want and just let it go.

It's great that things are getting better for you so keep fighting and things will gradually get even better. They will.

We'll always be here for you.


Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on January 31, 2020, 08:07:31 pm
Hey,

nothing to apologise for. It's ok to struggle, to have intense emotions & to feel lost. I'm proud of you for taking steps to help you work through them. I'm glad that you can use this is a space to get some of that stuff out receive support back.

I hope it gets easier soon

Honestly your support through this whole journal means so much....thankyou xxxx

Hello lex

Don't apologise. It's good to just let everything out and say whatever you want and just let it go.

It's great that things are getting better for you so keep fighting and things will gradually get even better. They will.

We'll always be here for you.

Another OG, thankyou so much Evolio xx


Sup y'all wassss gooooood!?

I was low-key hoping this entry would be a good one, I was going to post last night but got too anxious and started crying because what I wanted to write wasn't coming out right. eh.

Anyways I was meant to say a few posts ago, I've had this journal a year now. A flipping year! I have been reading my old entries and still gasp at how accurate and the same I still am. especially the ones from this time last year, starting school.

So today was my first day of year 11.....yeah. ooft SHIT IS REALLLL now.

I was nervous as hell last night, went to bed at 9 because I felt sick just thinking about it but didn't get to sleep until about 3 because I was so anxious and my mind would not stop playing loops of different scenarios and each time make them worse and worse.
I was expecting to see MM today loose my shit and run to the bathrooms....and it was very close to happening but luckily it didnt.

It was so fkn hot today like bruh whyyyyyy. I was already sweating at 9 after walking to school. I saw two of my friends, I want to call them best friends because I love them to bits and they have always been there for me, especially one of them, but they are also the CLOSEST of friends, I'm talking have baby photos together! sisterhood you can never break. I don't want to rupture that or get in the way. So I hung with them, till our assembly was called because I was shit scared of all the popular kids and seeing my group of friends that includes MM and a few others I have issues with atm. Will get onto that later.
Anyways, assembly was called and we went in, bags about to explode full of books.... :o.
we went through the whole; phones are banned, SACs, cohort bs. But I was so distracted and nervous and in my head. All I could think about is I am stuck in a room filled with toxic, bitchy teenagers who will ruin your life to be on top of the foodchain or to prove they are better than you. It makes me sick to my stomach being so uncomfortable. I was also looking for MM. I was sitting with my friends and felt bad and wanted to know he was at least sitting with someone he knows....FUCK why do I still care so much! why! Lex, move on, focus on yourself. get him out of your fucking head. But that's the problem as soon as I saw him my stomach screamed. I saw his smile...that gorgeous smile...the smile I am so used to seeing and so used to missing. LEXIE!!! STOP. I felt sick, I know I am supposed to be this strong girl and confident after a breakup and show him im fine, im doing well, you can't bring me down. But he is still managing too. I ache just wanting to hug him to feel his arms wrapped around me. to feel wanted and loved. But I didnt. When we were together I still had my doubts my lack of self worth. My insecurities, they would all still get to me in the relationship and its probably what caused half of our issues. ME, its always me. I need to accept we are both at fault and I did the right thing for me right now, in this moment. But it also made me angry, he was laughing, he was smiling, he was fine. It was like nothing had happened. and then I think about how ive been and I just want to run away. How can something so big like this affect two people so differently.

Recess I spent eating apples and popcorn and talking to some fellow Bio nerds at a table. It was good to catch up with them. Here how their holidays were and dodge the "how was yours?" question as all I could think of was me in that moment breaking my own heart.

Then I had psychology and math. Ive had some issues with my math teacher in the past but im trying to push it all aside and start fresh. Psych was awkward as I had to sit with a girl there is some tension with, but yeah.

Then we had lunch and I was awkwardly left with MM for a few moments alone and stepped forward and he asked me how I was. I saw him out of  the corner of my eye and I got so anxious, I could feel my muscles tense and my spine go cold. I wanted to turn around and punch him, I wanted to scream, I wanted to grab him and hug him, I wanted to kiss him. I wanted to tell him to go away. and I also wanted to pretend I was fine and say great and smile. But all I could manage was a bitchy "next question." Seeing him is just so confusing. I dont know if love him or hate him. Or I just idk. Its so frustrating that not even I know. Nor do I know what to do about it.

Last period was my favourite...I had literature. My teacher is honestly my idol. She is a feministic, open-minded, accepting and loving Godess and I live for her existence. I will actually cry in year 12 when I dont get to see her again. Everyone needs a lucky penny in life and she is mine. :).Imma call her that now....Penny her nickname haha.

Walking to the station alone felt so weird. Im used to seeing MM wait for me, to walk with him, to talk about our day. But I walked alone with my head bowed to scared to see him or his brother. God Lexie your year 11 now. Pull your shit together and stop being so anxious over the smallest things.

Ive tried covering up how I feel and flirting with a few people over snapchat. I dont want anything serious as I know how I still feel about MM but I am so tired and sick of it constantly being on my mind and me constantly having to cry over it and then get mad at myself. Ive hung out with the same guy twice this week, we haven't done anything and I dont want to, he's too good a mate, but its been nice to have some male company especially when they care. Its like he can read me like a book and can see the bad thoughts flow through me because he is always making sure I am ok and feel comfortable...I guess deep down im just hoping it could be MM instead.

Anyways hopefully I will have an update next week on a full week of school! FUCK!

Thankyou all for the support throughout the year, you guys are honestly amazing!

- from your fav perpLEXed child.....hehehehehehe ;D ;D ;D
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on February 02, 2020, 06:08:15 pm
This week will be ok. I will be ok. I will stay strong and I will push through regardless of any tension.
I will complete my homework.
I will go to bed earlier
I will avoid conflict
I will eat healthy.
Ive got this
I can and I WILL
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: J_Rho on February 02, 2020, 07:31:14 pm
You are inspirational and I can't wait for the next update - You got this!
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on February 09, 2020, 07:51:36 pm
Wassup ma mammals! (if you get that reference ;)))))))) )

So first full (kinda) week.

It was a tough week to be honest. I had a breakdown in French class because people were bombarding me with questions as to why I am not going on the French trip anymore and I got really overwhelmed as I am already heartbroken I can't go due to financial and parental reasons :(((((.

I volunteered to help my school in this years Relay For Life, as I love the event and I do it every year as its such a great and fun cause. And I offered to make posters and speak at assembly with a fellow SRC student. When going to discuss it with her she had told me she had already written the speech and will send me my part. I felt really left out as I wanted to start this year fresh and show my worth as I hope to be a school captain 2021. So I did a few corrections as her English was quite bad anyways, but hopefully I get more opportunities during the year to show what I can do, because what's frustrating is I can achieve so much and I know I can, but my insecurities and anxiety becomes a huge barrier I cant face.

MM and I were better, still hard and a little awkward but we are getting there. I have had a few conversations with him but yeah.

Thursday I took off school as we had our school swimming carnival and I do notttttt to do swimming infront of judgemental, people destroying power filled millennials NO SIR! so I stayed in bed all day a lil depressed and binged Sex ed 2 and ate a whole bag of skittles......yes Lexie....BAD GIRL!!!

This week I joined my schools QSA. Ive always wanted to be apart of it and this year I worked up the courage and went with my friend. It was a great time. Being in a room filled with people who share their stories and are filled with non judgement. I loved it.

The weekend was kind of shit. My best mate had a birthday dinner that was organized by one of his friends (who I don't really get along with) and I didn't get an invite because of that which really hurt because if your going to do something for someone its in there best interest and I am really close with him. I talked to the girl about it but she never really responded to my question. But I guess at the end of the day as long as my mate had a good night and enjoyed himself that's all I care about.

Anyways sorry this entry is a little rushed and all over the place...not really in the best writing mood tonight.
Hope you guys understand xx
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: Bri MT on February 10, 2020, 10:51:52 am
Hey,

Honestly your support through this whole journal means so much....thankyou xxxx

You are absolutely welcome


You say you can't face your insecurities and anxieties at the start of your last entry but then later in the same post you describe yourself doing exactly that in joining your school's QSA. Facing insecurities and anxieties is hard, but you have proven you can do it even though it's something that's hard for everyone. Sometimes you don't and that makes sense - it can be pretty hard to find the emotional energy to do that sometimes but for sure you are capable.

It's been a tough week but still you've been working on improving yourself and your situations.

You don't need to apologise for your entry, I understand, and thank you for sharing it with us. I hope that next week is better.
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on February 19, 2020, 09:30:13 pm
It literally just keeps getting worse.

Its at the point that I know if I was looking at me from another point of view I would be pitying myself. So I can't imagine how others are feeling about me.

Right its been 10 days since I last posted and it feels like a lifetime. I am slowly detaching from my friends and I am trying to keep them close but its just not working. One mate has screwed me over, one is being distant and I am asking to hang out and getting dissed.

I feel like everyday is just such a huge commitment and struggle. I go from class to class, bow my head, avoid the locker bay stand like an idiot at recess and lunch with my friends just talking to each other and completely ignoring me. repeat. Thats my life atm. Im a broken record and I am hurting. I feel so alone and so isolated from everyone and everything.

Ive started starving myself again, I am only just scraping in homework on time, psychology can fuck right off and I have no break. no time to breathe. Im being consumed by this heavy fog and I can see through to the other side.

Im falling, im going down, im tripping. The top is no longer visible. I can just feel it we are spiralling again
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on February 24, 2020, 09:01:02 pm
Today I woke up late, I missed my alarm and I accidentally slept in
Today, I sat alone on the train, looking out the window at the world passing by
Today, I didnít eat a thing, and still managed to push through tennis training
Today, I went to school, hardly paid attention and nearly fell asleep in French class but I went.
Today, I lost my best friend, my best friend of nearly 4 years now, I was told I hurt her in ways I hadnít even noticed.
Today, I thought, its hard, I canít pour from an empty glass, I cant catch someone when Iím already falling
Today, I lost hope, I scrapped the barrel and that tiny bit had vanished
Today, I lost someone elseÖ.

Ö..and that someone was myself

Today I gave up, I give up.
Today I just breathed, I walked, I grabbed my books and I went to my classes, but that wasnít me.
I wasnít there, or I was? But it was that part of me I had pushed so deep down I cant even recognize itÖherÖthat, thing!

Today I lost all hope
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on March 17, 2020, 09:33:40 pm
Hey guys, look I donít even know if this is a good entry or not. Seemingly Lexie cant catch a break without her shadow of darkness appearing when theres too much light.

My Ďbest friendí and I havenít spoken. After that day I had waited to give her some space and then texted her a few days later and she got really mad at me over nothing. I was a mess but an angry mess and said some super rude things. Maybe iím still angry because I donít regret saying what I saidÖ.and I normally do in these situations. Im scared. I donít want to see her but I do everywhere I go. My anxiety going to class knowing she is there makes me want to run away and cry. What hurts most is I know she will be hurting as well, but she will cover it up in insults and lies. Thats two people now. Two people I have let use me over and over again. Why do I choose to be blinded by the bad? I need to focus on both the good and bad.

MM and I are friendly atm. We hung out the other day and it was great. But iím starting a new thing with him. I am not blinding myself from the bad things he says and does. I am honestly starting to see a lot more by taking a good step back and observing and taking in all angles and not just the angles I want to see. Itís really working for me. In terms of us getting back together It will be a very long while If it we to happen. I need to put myself first but he isnít being the best of support atm. He doesnít understand me like I wish he would, but thats not up to me anymore. I need to stop expecting him to do things I want someone to do or treat me the way I want someone to when I know he wont. I saw this quote the other day it said ďIm not over him but iím over itĒ that as well as quite a few other depressing quotes I have resonated with lately.

I mean I guess I feel guilty about so many ruined friendships. People keep telling me they werenít my fault and I was hurt by them, but I have to be apart of it right? I trust too easy, I give to much and expect nothing in return, I go above and beyond my needs and when I expect at least a bit of it back I donít get it and I blame myself. I just want a stable relationship with anyone. A friend, or someone. Atm i feel like I have friends but not many that are approachable at school.

Oh speaking of that godforsaken hell hole I have had a shit two weeks. Cramped with school work and the stress levels are so high. Ive had to stay back every night this week and will for the rest of the week! I had my French SAC and failed, which I resat and then passed. But heres the thing, I didnít pass because I didnít study, I had a nervous breakdown because I was being recorded and my teacher was getting disappointed and yeah. Then I had my English SAC, which I did an amazing SOI on but my actual creative piece was less than 300 words so I have to add more to it. Yesterday I did a bio SAC and I felt super good about it but my teacher said only 6 or 7 people did really well and most of us choked. And then today I did my psychology SAC, which I finished early today and left. Tomorrow I have my math SAC which I know I will fail math has NEVER been a friend of mine. I am also doing an open book in class SAC for literature and I am falling behind in that because I was sick last week and missed a double.

This corona virus bullshit is pissing me off our world seriously needs to be more proactive and less reactive. And we need to start thinking of other people! I helped a lady with her groceries today because she was elderly and I was scared she would get stuff taken from her trolley. This world is insane.

Anyways my wifi is about to run out (timed to 10pm) and I wanna watch OITNB (hehehehe)

Peace out my dudes xxxxx will maybe continue this tomorrow :)
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: laura_ on March 18, 2020, 06:54:26 am
<3 <3
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on March 31, 2020, 05:48:48 pm
Hey everyone, sorry for not properly updating like I said I would, I literally have no excuse!

Hows everyone going? Also hope all you year 12's are ok, life right now would be so bad and if y'all ever need anything pls let me know!

Hope you guys are staying well and safe and away from others.

How have I been? yeesh. Well cant see my psych for another 2 weeks, which I hate because there is so much I want to discuss with and talk about with her. I feel her room is literally the one place I actually am allowed to be myself and the only place I feel I can be. That is if she is still working with all this COVID-19 stuff, but she works from home so I hope so.

Tbh although I have been hiding it from most of my friends, I am so stressed about everything right now. How tf am I supposed to do school from home? what is the wifi doesn't work and I fail my class just because I couldn't connect to a group call? What if I have to be boarded up in my house for more then these 3 weeks? I hate it here. I am judged and even though I hate school and hate the toxic environment it is still some relief from home.

I miss my friends, I've started hanging out with a new group and we have a group chat and are keeping each other updated and distracted but its still hard not to be able to sit with them at lunch and talk.

Ive been trying to use this time to build on my friendship with MM, but it seems to not be working. Things just keep happening that are making me upset and angry and hurt. Idk how to feel anymore. I don't trust my feelings because of how I feel towards him. Everything is so confusing but all I know is I need to talk to my psych about it and get her opinion, she has a lot more common sense and is a lot more knowledgeable then me although I feel bad for tormenting her with my stupid teenage dramas.

My nan and best friend are both in hospitals atm (its ok y'all no COVID 19 touching my babies....haha) but im really worried for both of them. My nan was staying in Box Hill about a week ago before being transferred and they are saying 6 staff now have tested positive for corona virus. I freaked out. I called her to make sure she was ok and she told me she was fine and had already been tested....which I knew....and she was negative....I just got all anxious again and needed the words to come from her mouth. I want to go see them both but i'm locked away, have no car and no independence.

Im trying to stay calm and have distractions. I have been cleaning my room ready to redecorate it. Im hopefully getting a double bed and repainting it as well as new furniture. My room has been the same since I was about 9 and it seriously meeds a redo!!

So atm i am sleeping most of the day, up all night, not eating much, stressing, drinking shittonnes of soda water (idk dont ask I literally dont know why) and am having withdrawal symptoms from school (now those are some words I thought I would never say!)

anyways I bought hair dye because im bored and it was on special. My hair is currently a burgundy/light brown. should I go dark purple or dark red.....the choice is up to you guys haha
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: J_Rho on April 01, 2020, 12:01:44 pm
Hey everyone, sorry for not properly updating like I said I would, I literally have no excuse!

Hows everyone going? Also hope all you year 12's are ok, life right now would be so bad and if y'all ever need anything pls let me know!

Hope you guys are staying well and safe and away from others.

How have I been? yeesh. Well cant see my psych for another 2 weeks, which I hate because there is so much I want to discuss with and talk about with her. I feel her room is literally the one place I actually am allowed to be myself and the only place I feel I can be. That is if she is still working with all this COVID-19 stuff, but she works from home so I hope so.

Tbh although I have been hiding it from most of my friends, I am so stressed about everything right now. How tf am I supposed to do school from home? what is the wifi doesn't work and I fail my class just because I couldn't connect to a group call? What if I have to be boarded up in my house for more then these 3 weeks? I hate it here. I am judged and even though I hate school and hate the toxic environment it is still some relief from home.

I miss my friends, I've started hanging out with a new group and we have a group chat and are keeping each other updated and distracted but its still hard not to be able to sit with them at lunch and talk.

Ive been trying to use this time to build on my friendship with MM, but it seems to not be working. Things just keep happening that are making me upset and angry and hurt. Idk how to feel anymore. I don't trust my feelings because of how I feel towards him. Everything is so confusing but all I know is I need to talk to my psych about it and get her opinion, she has a lot more common sense and is a lot more knowledgeable then me although I feel bad for tormenting her with my stupid teenage dramas.

My nan and best friend are both in hospitals atm (its ok y'all no COVID 19 touching my babies....haha) but im really worried for both of them. My nan was staying in Box Hill about a week ago before being transferred and they are saying 6 staff now have tested positive for corona virus. I freaked out. I called her to make sure she was ok and she told me she was fine and had already been tested....which I knew....and she was negative....I just got all anxious again and needed the words to come from her mouth. I want to go see them both but i'm locked away, have no car and no independence.

Im trying to stay calm and have distractions. I have been cleaning my room ready to redecorate it. Im hopefully getting a double bed and repainting it as well as new furniture. My room has been the same since I was about 9 and it seriously needs a redo!!

So atm i am sleeping most of the day, up all night, not eating much, stressing, drinking shittonnes of soda water (idk dont ask I literally dont know why) and am having withdrawal symptoms from school (now those are some words I thought I would never say!)

anyways I bought hair dye because im bored and it was on special. My hair is currently a burgundy/light brown. should I go dark purple or dark red.....the choice is up to you guys haha

Hey Lex!

YAY an update!
Its sucks you can't see your psych for a while, but there are people here to support you as well as some really good resources online.
Doing school from home is definitely daunting but we'll get through this, I understand how school can be a relief from home (I'm the same) but we are all in this together and we will get through this stronger than ever.
And considering we may be stuck inside for longer than 3 weeks now is the perfect time to redecorate, surely you'll take before and after photos??!! IMO I reckon dark red hair would look cool considering you have burgundy/brown hair
Title: Re: w0lfqu33ns problematic journal!
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on May 31, 2020, 06:53:51 pm
Hey y'all, been quite stressed transitioning back to school from homeschooling and a little full of homework, should be ok soon...be prepared for a big update I have lots for you to indulge in! Till then... Lex xx