ATAR Notes: Forum

VCE Stuff => Victorian Education Discussion => The VCE Journey Journal => Topic started by: mango8 on January 04, 2019, 06:49:46 pm

Title: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: mango8 on January 04, 2019, 06:49:46 pm
long post ahead so grab a glass of iced tea/a smoothie/juice/cordial/good old H2O (whatever you fancy), flop onto a comfy chair/bed along with your dog/cat/rabbit/guinea pig/stuffed toy (donít pretend you donít have a stuffed toy, yes especially some of you) and join me on this adventure!

Hey there everyone! After obsessively scouring peopleís journals for a while now, I thought hey maybe Iíll give it a go! I have no idea what Iím doing in life here as this is my first post! I think itíll be amazing to look back in two, five, ten, twenty years and see how far Iíve come and laugh at every stupid thing Iíve done especially when the revelation hits me that what is the pinnacle of my life now, wonít even matter in a few years. At this point, Iím using it as motivation to stop ignoring the current mound of work that has vastly accumulated which I have to finish within the next 20 days. But, I have realised that procrastinating is pointless because I will eventually have to chain myself to my desk knuckle down and do it, feeling an unreasonable amount of stress than if Iíd just done it to start out with. As a Year 12, I envision myself to be walking around like a character from the Walking Dead all the time except Iíll be a living incarnation of one.

On the first day, this is the Ďpep talkí I imagine we shall receive: ďWelcome back to the worst year of your lives, I have to tell you upfront, many donít survive. You'll soon realise the world isnít all about you, now it revolves around SACs and marks and grades and rankings and practice papers and exams and pressure from peers and parents and teachers and yourself and constant panic and everlasting stress and sleeping at 3am and studying at a rate doctors would balk at and all these twelve years coming down to numbers that make or break you but thatís your life for the next ten months, so suck it up sweetie."

Iíll be attempting to keep afloat in this tsunami, and welcome anyone and everyone to join me in this sacrifice odyssey with your own experiences, emotions, thoughts, reflections, the bright and the dark, and emerge alive, as survivors and triumphant in December 2019, never succumbing to an inevitable fate giving up.

For the rest of these holidays, Iíll be updating every few days or maybe even everyday (so keep those eyes peeled) with whatís happening in my life, however mundane or exciting. However, once school starts, I will check in with you guys every week (can be more or less frequently depending on the monstrosity that is my to-do list).

okay onto my subjects:
lit - I used to read all the time before VCE consumed my existence and have always loved reading and writing, so this was a no brainer, however, arriving at the pinnacle of sophistication and finesse that one must possess in lit, is another story.
revs - I am a huge history nerd and have been passionate about it since the start, and Iíve already started reading about the Russian and French revolutions and have been engrossed. If you tell me: ĎHistory is in the past, it doesnít matter now and isn't relevant, why bother?í Or something along those lines, Iíll gladly show you to the door. Only joking, not really. Once again, actually reaching the standard required for essays can only be achieved by actually writing those essays and scrutinising other peopleís astounding writing. Who knew?
geo - I quite enjoyed geo in Year 9 so on a whim, thought why not try it out? Kids, you should totally make decisions in VCE on a whim. Humanities subjects are the best, mainly because itís all about whatís happening in our world and we can actually learn about things we can apply to the real world and people/events who shaped it into what it is today. Essentially, what you learn in these subjects are actually relevant as they focus on things happening all around you. Unlike some subjectsÖ.ahem...such as
methods - the only way to succeed is to have an understanding of the concepts and be able to put it into practice. Paying attention in class is challenging when you're bored out of your mind, but I will push on and see results
chem - find it to be bland and uninteresting but may need it and think it's best to have a wide range of subjects so I will invest time and see it all pay off in the end

Note: Exaggeration is all in good fun and humour. Everyoneís journey is their own, and filled with many ups and downs, but remember that at the end of the day, you are doing VCE for you only, not for anyone else.

Yesterday I saw Mary Poppins Returns! I am yet to see the original so canít give any comparison, however, I enjoyed it for the whimsical, feel-good movie it was, as well as a chance to temporarily be transported to another world.

Donít forget to bring your dazzling selves back for some more spicy and exciting insights into my life!

Au revoir x
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: Bri MT on January 04, 2019, 08:30:39 pm
Hey,

Welcome to ATARnotes (or posting on here at least)!
I hope that you found writing this journal to be a useful outlet & that when all of this is suddenly over you enjoy looking back and reading it :)

Yeah, for a lot of people year 12 is a pretty tough, pretty intense year - but the passage of time is inevitable and it does end. I went through my share of breakdowns in yr 12, but I do have to say that the picture you paint is more bleak than what I experienced. For one, the latest I stayed up for schoolwork would've been in the pm rather than the am (& I got a 98 atar at an underrep school). Of course, there are year 12s who stay up studying at 3am but that doesn't have to be you; it's not too late forge healthier habits and address any penchant for procrastination. I would also say that sometimes sleep is more beneficial than the study, and sleep deprivation can be a vicious cycle - if you choose to stay up late I advise caution. Anyway, point is that you have more control over the quality of your year than you probably realise - even if you haven't practiced exercising that.

What are you planning on doing after year 12 that means you need methods and chem?


Best of luck on the rollercoaster, and welcome again to AN - it's good to have you here :)
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: mango8 on January 05, 2019, 12:19:43 pm
Thank-you! Exactly, when you really think about it, the time truly will fly by and before you know it, what has been the centre of your life for all these months is suddenly over and won't be something you have to think or worry about again, because it just doesn't matter. My portrayal is a combination of things people have told me and some things I've already experienced. I agree, sleep is for the most part is far more beneficial to you, your work, and your physical and mental health and only if your mind and body are in check, will you be able to perform your very best. Also, it's true, we often forget that we are only in control of ourselves, no one can dictate our lives, we have to listen to ourselves, as you know yourself best and this is your journey (whatever that may be). I've found that being open-minded and hearing people out is great, but you need to be who you want to be and stop worrying about things out of your control, you are only wasting your energy and time. 

As for what I want to pursue after Year 12, I have some ideas in mind but have not completely settled on what exactly I plan to do.

Enjoy your weekend! :)
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: mango8 on January 10, 2019, 07:08:41 pm
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Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: Caitlynk_22 on January 11, 2019, 12:06:47 am
Hi,

Your entries so far have made me smile from ear to ear. Keep up the good work and remember to not let school bog down all those other fun activities with friends even if it's close to exams/assessments. I know that at the end of my HSC I wanted to go back and spend more time with my own friends. Now we're squishing it all in before they all go off to uni!

Anyway, Good luck!
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: mango8 on January 12, 2019, 08:19:40 pm
Hey there,

I am so glad you have enjoying reading all of my ramblings. What would you tell us Year 12s based on your experience (any advice, regrets)? Yes we have to make the most of every second, each moment should be one we can treasure. All the best for you at Uni!
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: sarangiya on January 12, 2019, 08:46:47 pm
Absolutely memetastic! Can't wait to hear more
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: mango8 on January 12, 2019, 10:18:03 pm
Hey Sarangiya,

Your journal was one of my favourite journals to read, I recall just whizzing through it! Your effort and work ethic was prevalent and so motivating to see, particularly for us younglings embarking on this crazy ride this year! What are your aspirations and hopes for this year? What are you looking forward to the most? All the best for 2019, I'm sure you'll have enormous successes and rise to the top, congratulations on your many accomplishments thus far.:) Make sure to update us on how that journey goes!
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: Macrophagee on January 16, 2019, 10:34:59 pm
Hey mango8
Just want to say your entries are pretty funny so far! Can't wait to hear more

Good luck :)
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: mango8 on January 17, 2019, 08:42:02 pm
Hey mango8
Just want to say your entries are pretty funny so far! Can't wait to hear more

Good luck :)

Hi there,

It's great to hear that you have been enjoying my journal entries! Hope you have a fantastic weekend! :)
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: mango8 on January 17, 2019, 08:54:06 pm
Hey all!

Twelve days until I am officially in Year 12!!!! Seriously I can not believe it. I was asked how it felt to know I have only one year of high school left, and when I really thought about it, I realised it just hasnít sunk in yet. And itís true, it doesnít feel real, as if itís truly about to happen to me, and I presume it only will hit me like an oncoming tsunami like I described in my first post, its impact sudden, powerful, turbulent, with no time to prepare or react but just keep hustling and giving my all.

Today I finished the majority of my Revs homework, which consisted of powerpoints, videos, note taking, definitions and textbook questions. I know, riveting stuff, but history subjects are content heavy and thatís what itíll be most of the time. Although, I have found some exciting books and movies set during the revolutions, which I canít wait to read/watch, donít we all love a subject where we feel productive by watching movies?

I still have a never ending pile of work for my other subjects, namely for Methods. Wait I'm doing Methods? Ah Methods. The subject I hastily thrust aside for a large part of these holidays, and now its merciless self has come back to haunt me. Why oh why do I make stupid mistakes like this, for example COMPLETELY overlooking the fact there were 12, yes twelve exercises to do over the holidays??? Twelve days left, twelve exercises, year twelve. My new most despised number. So far, all Iíve done for geo is keep up to date with current affairs, or in other words, watch the news i.e.: nothing.

Once school starts I think itíll be much easier to be focused and disciplined. I doubt you can get away with not doing work some days like in all the previous years you could afford to pretend school didnít exist sometimes. I think itís really important with these final less than two weeks of holidays to start almost mimicking school days, so that you wonít be thrown completely off-guard and find yourself struggling to adjust to the new life of heightened intensity and ominous deadlines and study and revision when the time arrives.

Hereís something I found really exciting, you know that scene in Mary Poppins Returns where she falls backwards in the bathtub to a magical land? If you want to know how they pulled it off, check this out: https://www.news.com.au/entertainment/movies/new-movies/secret-behind-dazzling-mary-poppins-scene-stuns-fans/news-story/a337e9c7ec18b0211680d135bd7b088a. I guarantee your mind will be blown!

Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: lyristis on January 19, 2019, 02:51:45 pm
Wow, you and Dylan are basically me and my friend! Do you go to different schools?
I've only got one friend to talk to about musicals and theatre. She absolutely LOVES Freddie and Queen is one of her top bands. I really relate to you having a friend who's super talented, because my friend just opens her mouth and sounds delightful while I only sound good to myself with earphones in. I like to say that I was I was blessed with a passion for musicals, yet cursed with an inability to sing  :P. I feel like her and I are the only people in our school that appreciate music that's before the '00s and '10s (like 60s-90s). The 3 of you are way more artistic and gifted than me, but I really do enjoy watching musicals via bootlegs shh despite my nonexistent skills in acting and singing. By the way, when you refer to musicals do you mean movie or stage musicals? I've personally only watched a handful of movie ones but waaaay more stage ones. Also, I 100% ship you and Dylan.

Can definitely relate with methods and chem; they both give me a headache but I need them as safety nets. I also still have so much work to do because of my great decision to procrastinate for the majority of the holidays. It sounds like you start on the 29th, is that the case? I'm starting on the 31st. :'(

It was fun reading your updates, looking forward to more!
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: mango8 on January 27, 2019, 12:30:24 am
Thanks so much for reading! Have a good rest over these few remaining days.
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: mango8 on January 27, 2019, 12:56:45 am
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Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: Yertle the Turtle on January 27, 2019, 01:10:55 am
I'm loving your journal so far, it's really in-depth and philosophical, which I love. Good luck this year, I look forward to more insights on life, the universe and everything. where included in everything is, dare I say it, love Year 12?
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: mango8 on January 27, 2019, 02:55:53 pm
I'm loving your journal so far, it's really in-depth and philosophical, which I love. Good luck this year, I look forward to more insights on life, the universe and everything. where included in everything is, dare I say it, love Year 12?

Hello can I just say this comment just made my day??! I love hearing from all my fans the people who have been reading and enjoying what I've been writing!
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: mango8 on May 09, 2019, 07:57:59 pm
hey hello hola!!

well look whoís back!

surprised?

me too.

Firstly I just want to say thank YOU to all you lovely humans who sent me messages asking about how Iíve been and if Iím coming back and how much you loved reading my writing, that was so unexpected but so sweet of yíall.

A lot has happened, particularly in the form of SACs. From having a grand total of four SACs last year, to a minimum of one every week this year, you could say itís been a fleeting whirlwind of one SAC after another, and thatís pretty much all Iíve been focusing on, because thatís what is important to me. I suppose Iíve only been running the 50m sprints and swimming the 100m freestyle so far, and I definitely need to start shifting my focus on the long-term, and my specific goals and aspirations for the future, because that will definitely help in all those ruts and losses of motivation, stemming from the fact you donít have a clear vision of the grand finale, the culmination of all the energy and effort, discipline, hours, focus and commitment, the epilogue inscribed with your lifetime of fulfilment because of what you put into this year, 2019.

In a nutshell, focusing on what really matters, instead of getting caught up in a relentless spider web of toxic people and the opinions of people who are of zero importance in your life, the endless connotations that come with how destructive social media is, changing yourself to Ďproveí yourself and your worth to people, conforming, and the perceived glitzy lives of all the meaningless people at school who care about three things:
1. themselves
2. validation through likes and comments
3. parties (and getting wasted and looking like fools, lol that moment when those people think thereís something so special about them and thereís uhh notÖI canít stress their insignificance enough, focus on the few genuine people in school now, and many more in the future, out of this constricting environment I guarantee you will find many more amazing, genuine people)

The list goes on and on, and is general here to what I feel, because that web, seemingly deceiving to be fragile, hardly noticeable on the outside, it is repetitive and just keeps coiling round and round, and it is also very subjective to what affects an individual, but you get the gist.

Iíve still been getting all the emails, and the other day a whole bunch of journal snippets were featured and I thought: ďHeck yeah letís do this, again!Ē Well not those exact words at that precise time because I was too busy daydreaming in Chemistry but it was a reminder that my totally not ephemeral hiatus taught me, I want to keep going. 

Iím excited to be back and I hope all you keen beans who were there at the start are still here. And if this is the first time youíve stumbled upon my posts, welcome! Thank you for your time and Iím so so glad to have you here.

You are worthy and so important, and you are valued and needed more than you know. And please, always be kind. 💖

till next time x (rest assured, this time my departure will be ephemeral).

"For I have known them all already, known them all:
Have known the evenings, mornings, afternoons;
I have measured out my life with coffee spoons."
~T.S Elliot (The Love Song of J. Alfred Prufrock)
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: Seamus Wong on May 09, 2019, 11:10:14 pm
hey hello hola!!


In a nutshell, focusing on what really matters, instead of getting caught up in a relentless spider web of toxic people and the opinions of people who are of zero importance in your life, the endless connotations that come with how destructive social media is, changing yourself to Ďproveí yourself and your worth to people, conforming, and the perceived glitzy lives of all the meaningless people at school who care about three things:
1. themselves
2. validation through likes and comments
3. parties (and getting wasted and looking like fools, lol that moment when those people think thereís something so special about them and thereís uhh notÖI canít stress their insignificance enough, focus on the few genuine people in school now, and many more in the future, out of this constricting environment I guarantee you will find many more amazing, genuine people)


Damn, so refreshing to see someone who sees through all that bullshit. Funny, cos we're the weird ones for not caring about those three things.
Gl with year 12
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: mango8 on May 12, 2019, 03:23:13 pm
Damn, so refreshing to see someone who sees through all that bullshit. Funny, cos we're the weird ones for not caring about those three things.
Gl with year 12

I'm just about to check out your journal, started a bit yesterday, really enjoyed it! Very, very true. All the best for Year 12 for you too. Hope you stick around over here in this crazy place where I'm about to vent more about that lol.

yep all those people are just not worth your effort or time, you wouldnít care so much about trash right? but we focus on them until their true colours and nature are exposed for what they really are, there isnít anything spectacular about them, nothing great even, they arenít stunning and hot and pretty, but they crave hearing that from people, why do they cake their faces in makeup and we think look at us, look at them, there is so much pressure and desire to be beautiful, when underneath the makeup, they are nothing. without the boys and stupid parties and skimpy clothes, they are meaningless, not worth it, people always think thereís something so special about them, and itís phenomenal having the epiphany thereís not, they reek of desperation, salivate for attention, in reality, they are incredibly shallow, itís only themselves they think and care about, physical attraction is basically their only criteria (and letís remember itís just with makeup, because with makeup anyone can look gorgeous right? but without makeup everyone else is average or ugly right?). Superficial people actually pride themselves on hanging out and hooking up only with individuals who meet their physical 'standards' and they lack so much emotional and intellectual depth, theyíre just dumb.
I think this article perfectly captures them: https://www.powerofpositivity.com/signs-of-superficial-person/.

Yeah I have no tolerance or empathy for them whatsoever, I canít stand them at all, but when you have classes with them and see them around, just block them out and pretend they donít even exist. I definitely am an extremely emphatic person by nature, and as a result judge character very easily (being intuitive), but I honestly will say there are a lot of people like who I describe in these posts I absolutely can not stand, unless one of them miraculously started having emotional intelligence and stopped being an obscene level of superficial, I donít have the time for you because itís really irritating and draining to be around that level of fakeness and toxicity.
(And if by some miracle someone whoís like this is reading this, Iíd say take a good look at yourself sweetie because this bs you care about now and the appalling way you behave and conduct yourself and make other people think theyíre worthless in comparison, no one is going to care in the real world about all this crap, and no one is going to want to associate with you if you carry on being so toxic, I can guarantee you that).

~~~

hi again!

i missed you.

Who else is so excited Masterchef FINALLY started?? I love that show so much, and have supported it from the start. I CAN NOT WAIT FOR NIGELLA WEEK OH MY GOSH ITíS STARTING I canít wait to watch it after school tomorrow!!! I mean Nigella just stay for the whole season please. 

(Saturday 11th May)
I have a maths test, which is on three chapters but I obviously do not have the time to do all the exercises all over again to refresh my memory since it was all done ages ago so as recommended by my teacher, Iím just going to work on the chapter reviews to consolidate my understanding and figure out what I need to work on in the span of the next three days. Yep I know this whole smashing out tonnes of work at the last minute approach is BAD but that is honestly what Iíve been doing because the speed we move at, hurtling through exercises like the worldís going to end tomorrow, is mystifying and terrifying.

I just opened up the chapter review and stared blankly at the questions, realising with unforeseen, rapidly increasing dread, all of it has evaporated from my mind, or too muddled up in the mass of raspberry goo coating my brain cells, smothering all the information I thought I knew. After 1/2 an hour of studying, I realised why nothing was coming to me, not even a fragment of recollected information, I was looking at my teacherís notes (which we go through and annotate and do questions in the booklet in class), and most of it was blank.

Last term, I hadnít been at school for a while, and when I got back, she was almost finished and told me to work on the current topic, and go back to it later. Unfortunately, as I mentioned, we go careening through the exercises, and not to forget, I had work from my other subjects to catch up on too, while simultaneously being expected to focus on the present topics. Every time I work on a subject, it feels pointless because I just feel Iím falling back further and further behind, with no time to not only catch up but be ahead, which was my aim, to always stay ahead. I have fallen so far behind, I canít even comprehend the amount of work I have to do across every subject, because I am suffocating under too many things, far beyond school related as well.

I thought it would be okay, I texted my tutor to have a class tomorrow and usually he doesnít take more than an hour to reply, and it had been six hours, nothing. I was stressing out more and more, and when that happens, I truly have no way to calm down whatsoever, hey, perks of being me.

Note: Stop torturing myself with cramming too much in last minute, this is NOT EFFECTIVE especially in Year 12, kids please refrain from following in those particular footsteps (but feel free to once I metamorphose into the model student I aspire to be).
Update today: He finally replied this morning and is all booked out, so here I am fretting away because I am a perplexed puddle of messed up-ness (for lack of a better term).

lol the irony of this (perfectly encapsulated my feelings towards maths in the moment):
Spoiler
(https://i.imgur.com/ZdWD335.png)

Iím only into Term 2, and coupled with too many other problems, it is frigging hard to keep going, but you canít ever give up. Not when youíre so close.

I am always always ALWAYS willing to chat about anything, so if you ever want to talk, whatever itís about, any questions, to just chat, whether that be school related or life related, if you need someone to talk to about anything, Iím always here.

Actually based on what a few people have told me (and thatís my tool to generalise since though clearly many people have read my journal, only a few respond - you guys are super sweet) and Iíve pretty much figured out one of the reasons why people are into what Iím writing is because I donít just talk about school, simply because Year 12 is more than that. Iíve actually gotten some people already ask me for help with certain things in their life, which I found really touching, that even my online presence is recognised as that way (because in real life people have always come to me for help to deal with things) despite having only been on for a little while, and thatís why I just kinda wanted to put it out there that if thereís anything you want to talk about, my door inbox is always open.

Iím going to start doing goals of the week (inspired by meerae, her journal is awesome!!), and kinda pouring out all the sticky goo in my brain onto paper because thatís a huge problem when you have too many thoughts to fit into your brain. Thoughts exceeding your brainís capacity is not good at all.

sleep. letís not even go there. Iím barely surviving on 4-6 hours per night. I have no idea how I even function in the day, I think I just scrape by as Ďbarely existingí.

Remember this is all temporary, and the environment of uni is going to be worlds away from the confining, restrictive environment of school with (in my experience) more bad people than good. There will be a brilliant diversity of people, and let me tell you, none of that plasticky, fake trash people care about now, will ever even matter in uni and when you're working and out in the 'real world'.

Itís just really difficult being forced into an environment with so many toxic people whose values, language and behaviour are miles away from yours, it can definitely take a toll on you, you canít express yourself fully and be you when everyone around you is so toxic and fake but please please remember itís not forever, its never permanent, hold on until then, youíre really strong, you donít even know how strong you are when you realise all the fighting you did in a few years time kept you here.

also at this point Iím just assuming people are somewhat enjoying my writing ft my utter insanity because I can obviously see itís garnering views?? but I literally have no way to know what people even think?? other than those people who have actually said something to me (thank you lovely souls, I appreciate you a lot esp you colline youíre the best!!! everyone go check out colline okay thanks whatever Iím just going to keep writing and imagining everyone whoís reading it has taken away something and is enjoying it, dare I say as pumped as colline is?) I mean Iím already used to the whole putting in effort into people and into things and getting nothing sooo anyway cool thatís all folks I just honestly get sick of the whole effort into everything in my life and nothing in return, yeah people suck a lot I would know since Iíve been surrounded by more terrible than good people in my seventeen years. oh right. this journal is supposed to be for me now, for my memories, and to show to my kids someday. at first I stupidly fell down the rabbit hole of doing this journal for someone instead of for me and giving myself wholly, and not putting me first, and this time, Iím writing for me. full stop. from my millions of lessons learnt, donít waste time or care about anyone who isnít going to care for you, time now especially is so limited, and honey, you ainít got time to waste on toxic people, fools, jerks, mean people, people who donít know just what they missed. youíll learn that the hard way most of the time.

itís a well known and accepted fact people,
book characters and dogs = infinity times better than humans.
donít even try to argue.

what are you all reading? Itís been too long since I was riveted, on the edge of my seat, absolutely loving, racing though and devouring a book in mere moments. I canít even remember the last time I was immersed in a beautiful world, so unlike reality, and fell in love with characters, and cared so much for them as if they existed.

(if this is your first time here, hi lovely!! as you can see i basically dump a smorgasbord of emotions, thoughts, ideas because other than in journals, thereís no where else for me to, and itís a space for me to just be me which is pretty hard in real life. also I am super rigid and meticulous in real life and enjoy forgoing some grammar etc on here. hope you have a fun stay!!).

remember, this too shall pass. donít ever forget youíre made of gold. 💖

till next time x

If you could see what I see
You'd be blinded by the colors
Yellow, red, and orange, and green
And at least a million others
So tie up the boat, take off your coat, and take a look around

'Cause the sky has finally opened
The rain and wind stopped blowin'
But you're stuck out in the same ol' storm again
You hold tight to your umbrella
Well, darlin', I'm just tryin' to tell ya
That there's always been a rainbow hangin' over your head


~Rainbow (Kacey Musgraves)


Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: Seamus Wong on May 12, 2019, 05:43:57 pm
I'm just about to check out your journal, started a bit yesterday, really enjoyed it! Very, very true. All the best for Year 12 for you too. Hope you stick around over here in this crazy place where I'm about to vent more about that lol.

yep all those people are just not worth your effort or time, you wouldnít care so much about trash right? but we focus on them until their true colours and nature are exposed for what they really are, there isnít anything spectacular about them, nothing great even, they arenít stunning and hot and pretty, but they crave hearing that from people, why do they cake their faces in makeup and we think look at us, look at them, there is so much pressure and desire to be beautiful, when underneath the makeup, they are nothing. without the boys and stupid parties and skimpy clothes, they are meaningless, not worth it, people always think thereís something so special about them, and itís phenomenal having the epiphany thereís not, they reek of desperation, salivate for attention, in reality, they are incredibly shallow, itís only themselves they think and care about, physical attraction is basically their only criteria (and letís remember itís just with makeup, because with makeup anyone can look gorgeous right? but without makeup everyone else is average or ugly right?). Superficial people actually pride themselves on hanging out and hooking up only with individuals who meet their physical 'standards' and they lack so much emotional and intellectual depth, theyíre just dumb.
I think this article perfectly captures them: https://www.powerofpositivity.com/signs-of-superficial-person/.

Yeah I have no tolerance or empathy for them whatsoever, I canít stand them at all, but when you have classes with them and see them around, just block them out and pretend they donít even exist. I definitely am an extremely emphatic person by nature, and as a result judge character very easily (being intuitive), but I honestly will say there are a lot of people like who I describe in these posts I absolutely can not stand, unless one of them miraculously started having emotional intelligence and stopped being an obscene level of superficial, I donít have the time for you because itís really irritating and draining to be around that level of fakeness and toxicity.
(And if by some miracle someone whoís like this is reading this, Iíd say take a good look at yourself sweetie because this bs you care about now and the appalling way you behave and conduct yourself and make other people think theyíre worthless in comparison, no one is going to care in the real world about all this crap, and no one is going to want to associate with you if you carry on being so toxic, I can guarantee you that).


Well, after year 12 everyone we know is basically a nobody. Whenever I see one of these 'popular' groups of kids, I honestly just feel a little sorry for them cos they're so unaware of themselves and most likely have the brain capacity of a walnut - nothing.

btw, do you have Facebook or Instagram or any Social media platforms? Because if you do, I would delete them, cos they are designed to control you and slowly suck the life out of you. It gives people a false sense of identity and worth, whereby those with the most 'likes' are subconsciously perceived to be those that we should strive to be like. Kinda fucks with your head actually.
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: JR_StudyEd on May 12, 2019, 09:27:07 pm
Guess which journal has already got my nomination for AN Journal of the year?  ;) Just letting you know that I do look at other journals.

Hi mango8, welcome back to AN! I remember seeing your journal on the board as we started our journals within a few weeks of each other's. Then, I kind of forgot about it. But I'm sooo glad you're back. BTW, thanks for your replies on my other posts around here! Especially the Methods one. Took a while for me to take it in, I have to say. All I needed was someone to assure me that in spite of the storms that are coming my way, I'm far from alone. I don't find my Methods teacher all that approachable in all honesty, and no one seems to want to ask him any questions, leading to a mostly awkward silence in between his lecturing. But I know he cares.

Just have a quick question for you, how do you escape from the metaphorical 'bubble' of school and studying? I'm personally finding it difficult to not be thinking about school. It follows me around everywhere!

Your insights are pure gold! I really enjoyed reading every word of your last update. Sleep well (or at least sleep better than what you said you've been), best of luck for this week, and continue being the unique soul you are!

-John
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: Joseph41 on May 13, 2019, 04:42:46 pm
Good to see you back, mango8. 👍
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: mango8 on May 22, 2019, 08:40:29 pm
(this is almost 3000 words wowee!!)

hi guys,

just wanted to preface this quickly by saying that this entry had taken a turn for the negative. Iím very conscious of how I portray myself on here and in real life, and donít like putting negative energy out there or going into detail with all the bad stuff but I just felt like it, and for once, I donít think itís selfish that for once instead of looking after people and solving their problems, I talk about me.

//friday 17th//

I despise my school library, people never shut up and even with headphones jammed in at full volume, itís so irritating. But thatís the only place sooo gotta deal. Update, realised thereís a silent study space in the library (technically this one is but do people know how to shut up??) Funny how when the teacher constantly comes and says itís a silent study place, people are so dumb they canít even follow instructions?? Can not get an ounce of work done with noise and the squawking chatter practically everywhere at school.

the day started off really well for once, but as usual just had to spiral downwards, and fast.

lit
finally attempted to slide in with (okay that sounds wrong), to join a group of somewhat nice people who Iíve kinda gotten to know over the past few years, and itís been going okayyy (Iíll discuss more later). I have to admit that Iíve not been doing as much for lit as Iím used to or I should be, and thatís because of my teacher. Itís not that sheís a bad teacher or sheís mean or anything like that, in fact sheís perfectly pleasant, except for the glaring fact the only teacher I wanted more than anything was my lit teacher from last year, who was beyond AMAZING. She was bright and exuded passion and enthusiasm, and fuelled my love for writing even more. She always made such interesting tasks which never even felt like work and I even enjoyed them, she loved what she did, and that in turn made me love it too. In high school, there have hardly been many teachers who have been gems like those I had in primary school, the teachers who loved talking about their family, telling us stories and sharing their light and love for what they did with us. She was so dedicated and talented, motivating me to do my best, inspiring us with such creative tasks that never even feel like work and engaging lessons that made learning so exciting, and made Literature my favourite class last year. She was just brilliant.

So yes, you can imagine my great disappointment that having anyone else, regardless of how good they are, would not ever measure up. But this teacher, is nice, but she doesnít radiate with passion and love for what she does, and she doesnít explain things clearly, especially when Iím confused, but Iíve come to terms with that this is my teacher now and I still can achieve whatever I wanted to, and I can still talk to my teacher from last year, but sometimes you just have to do the best in the situation youíre in.
OKAY? Donít slack off because of the teacher, you still gotta put in those yards and even if they donít inspire you and set a fire burning within you, it doesnít matter. Keep going people!!

a lot of...stuff..
okay some context. I was going to have my chem sac on Tuesday, and for some reason my chem teacher kept banging on about getting a ísac reschedule formí. Now, no teacher had asked me for that before when I was going to have my sac at a a different time, but I refused to get one. Why, you ask? Well because getting one involved going to the office where the coordinators are, and Iím not going into details but letís just say I absolutely despise them and told myself I would never step foot into that stupid office with those people ever again. So, I decided to go see the counsellor, and I was going there anyway to pass on medical certificates since I refused to even acknowledge the presence of those in that office. Before this I had been away and she knew exactly all about it, and I walked in and I had to be the one who smiled, and I got the envelope and gave it to her, she couldnít be stuffed in the slightest to ask how I was now, no just plucked it out of my fingers and that was it.

Now we have a fairly long history, which I am also not going to go into detail into, albeit it may make it harder to understand but anyway, you know what? No matter what sheís done, I was the one who still smiled and still let it go each and every single time. I honestly DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW THE FRICK SHEíS A COUNSELLOR. How she even is one and how people are seeing her all the time and find her helpful, no one can tell me anything, as I said, itís been years Iíve known her and every single time I let things go. Not anymore now. Iím done. I canít remember the exact words she used, and just talking about it brings up all the emotions all over again when I try my best to focus on whatís important which is NOT this, but I was sick, I come back, in the past she would send emails like at the start of the year when I was away too: ĎOh if you need anything let me know, Iíd like to assist you,í and so forth with all that BS and since I vowed I would not step foot into that office again, I told her how my chem teacher asked for a sac reschedule form, she just cut me off, being extremely tactless, says she doesnít know what Iím talking about (and she's worked here for uhh so many years??), I say no other teacher asked me for one before, she says she has no idea why (when I paraphrase now it sounds fine, but the tone and way she was acting was far below the level of someone who supposedly CARES about students welfare for crying out loud, and I ask her if she would be able to get one for me, maybe I could collect it at lunchtime?

And thatís when it came. The way she responded was (in a curt, rude manner, cutting me off AGAIN, sounding so irritated when I had only ever been polite and nice time and time again): ďOh I donít know, I have other things to do, I donít know when Iíll get there.Ē (And again, paraphrasing is totally off, but I canít properly capture the way in which she said it). I then went to the bathroom and when I came back, the door was closed. A few seconds later, a girl comes out, and the bell rings, I need to get to class. I stand in her doorway and say (still smiling, still nice, still fricking SWEET): ďItís okay, I can get it myself. Iíll go get it.Ē
AND out unravels face 7643?? She smiles and exclaims: ďOh no no I can do it for you now, itís no problem.Ē
Inside Iím like yeah itís okay, no thanks. No THANK YOU. But Iím tired of just always having to just accept and forgive and let it all go because I have always firmly believed that it is important to respect your elders, but that doesnít mean when adults are plain rude you should just let it go just cause oh theyíre older, itís fine, they can say and do whatever and you just have to take it.
And I say: ďNo Iíll go do it myself. Itís fine. I can go at lunch.Ē
So yes, I was willing to step foot into that office though I told myself I never would ever again all because of her.
She replies: ďItís okay, Iím happy to do it for you.Ē
LOLLLLLLL OMG HAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA YOU HUMOUR ME SOOOOOO MUCH MATE.
And Iím still standing there (and yeah, guys a lot of this probably wonít make enough sense since there is not enough context re whatís happened over the years but thereís no way Iím going into splendid detail about my personal life on here sooo) and I say: ďI donít know, I remember when I was away, you sent me emails saying you would be happy to do anything to help me out and you seem to care about other students and Iíve been here and itís likeÖĒ
ďI do care-ď
BS BS BS I CANíT STAND YOUR BS anymore, I absolutely can not stand people who spout so much bs because I can spot it from MILES away, I read people and their true intentions like a book.
ďBut youíre ENTITLED to feel that way-ď
GEEE THANKS GLAD I HAVE YOUR PERMISSION TO FEEL WHAT I FEEL
ďAnd I think Iíve done everything I could.Ē
I CAN NOT STAND LISTENING TO SUCH GARBAGE ANYMORE, and turn around saying for the first time in a voice that isnít nice and sweet and caring but rather tired and sick of all these stupid trash people at my stupid trash school: ďI can do it myself, I can do it. Itís fine.Ē
And as Iím walking off, I can hear her going: ďOkay. Okay.Ē
And that is the story. It astounds me sheís a counsellor, when every experience Iíve had, does NOT in any way, shape or form resemble what one would be like. Remember, you donít know the whole story but if you read that, thanks.
chem
We started a group project (I know, nothing I despise more), but the people Iím working with are for once studious, hard-working, intelligent and WILLING TO DO THE WORK, and our topic is actually fun. Woah I know, I said something in chemistry was FUN. We did get a tad sidetracked with coles catalogues and videos of how yakult is made, but overall, we were productive and had a fun time.

anddd hereís where it went down more.

geo
Itís overall a very interesting subject but the people in the class ruin it completely. I highly HIGHLY regret not doing it last year with the really great class instead of being dumped in with this one this year, i genuinely despise the class, and Iíll clarify that that itís because of exactly those kinds of people Iíve gone on about in previous posts. For one, can you even process the immaturity of girls who are at the end of high school who whisper and snigger at their own private conversations (as if they're talking about others), like that behaviour is so childish and pathetic itís disgusting.

Iíll tell you something. Until a moment when a teacher might make a comment, you are invisible. Then people look at you like you werenít there until now. What the heck? She exists? I never knew! I didnít acknowledge her existence or acknowledge her being a human, a person with ideas and dreams and thoughts and feelings and hopes and someone who wants to laugh and have fun, but canít.

Anyway there are people Iíve tried over and over and over again to make an effort and get to know, but it simply is not reciprocated and itís tiring to keep doing it. There are those people Iíve talked about before in posts. People who just donít know how on earth to shut up, ever, and you wish there was a mute button so you wouldnít have to listen to them the entire time yakking on and on and on but the class doesnít take into account of the mind blowing fact that not everyone has the ability to work with your stupid voice forever droning on but I think being surrounded with the same kinda crap people year after year helped me to just filter and tune it out more effectively.

You may not understand any of this but itís okay.

maths
Exhausted from geo, but managed to get help from my teacher and that took up a fair portion of the lesson.

UCAT. Wait, I didnít know I was doing it?! I signed up so last minute itís not even funny, the UCAT itself hasnít left my mind but signing up I just completely forgot about. I was hoping to miss a day of school but the available appointments were only in the hols so now with the million other things I have to do, I have that too.

//tuesday 21st//
I donít know if itís just me but whenever I have a sac or test, I literally can not focus on anything else until itís over. That means work in other classes, conversations with people, anything, apart from unnecessarily staring at my notes while nothing even sinks in. I had my chem sac so thatís all I could think about until it finished. And Iím still unsure as to how to adequately prepare for it since I remember for my first sac I did checkpoints and neap papers as that was all I had available and what my teacher said and the sac was a completely different world. As in, there were a few things I did in checkpoints that helped but mostly, everything was worlds away and I had no idea what on earth was going on. What even is going on in Chemistry? Anyone?

I have a Maths sac on wednesday and then the next few weeks are focused on maths again with so many parts to the maths sac, this week is the discussion one and that should be good and then next week I have a maths one AND THREEE LIT THINGS TOO SO I HAVE PART A AND B AND SOME OTHER TASK NEXT WEEK IS GOING TO BE A LOT.

//wednesday 22nd//
ahhh we finally arrive to today. I commend yíall who made it to here.

maths
Got the first sac, itís a discussing one and in hindsight thatís great, fantastic, except for the fact I donít ask anyone but the teacher for help because all the people I enjoy spending time with in maths are
GENIUSES
and I canít compare
BUT
I may have accidentally overheard the STUPENDOUS score one of those people got on her test while asking for help from my teacher last Friday, and I heard her and someone else discussing the very question I HAD NO IDEA HOW TO DO!!!!
CAN YOU IMAGINE?? Those sharp brilliant minds being stuck over a problem a mere mundane like myself was also stuck on?
And so I asked, and it was excellent! So patient, so lovely, so helpful and I understood! So donít be afraid of asking for help from classmates too! You know being surrounded by so much trash everyday makes me forget that some genuine, lovely people like her exist.

I had an extra free since class was cancelled so I did 2 hours of Maths and Lit.

lit
I was early and as soon as one of the girls came in, I smiled and said: ďHi!!Ē I donít know whether she was listening to music or something but she barely smiled and sat like 5 seats away, leaving room for all the others, and god the amount of times thatís happened and I literally have to INVITE them to come sit next to me, but I just didnít bother. The rest floated in, and I was unable to participate in their conversations because one, I didnít know what they were talking about and two, I donít know if Iím in the minority here since I seem to be every day, but at school, I actually try my best to be productive and get as much done as I can in all the classes and any free time I have so I have LESS to do at home while everyone is always on buzzfeed or talking and itís Year 12 and if they feel they can afford to waste time every lesson like thatÖ. Well you do you.

revs
My teacher handed back my practice response. Apparently at interviews she told my parents I need to do more and Iím like where am I supposed to get more from?? If you donít give us more?? I tried looking for some online but couldnít find any, and I definitely think the bare minimum should be one a week but itís one every month or something. But I always look at the exams and the responses and happily thought I was a decent writer till I opened THOSE. And in lit too, I remember two months ago, this girl read out a piece she wrote, and I was STUNNED but managed to keep myself from gaping because if she writes like that NOW then thereís a raw 50 boom right there and thatís what Iím aiming for sooooo letís just see shall we. I know I'm capable and I can do it.

I am going to get that 50 in lit. And in others too. There is no reason I can't. And so I will.

Okay thatís more than enough for now!!

ps: sorry this was like an explosion of bad stuffÖjust felt like getting it out for once.

till next time xx

I take my kaleidoscope off the shelf,
look through the little hole at the end
of the cardboard tube;

I turn       and turn       and turn       and turn,

letting the crystals shift into strange
and beautiful patterns, letting the pieces fall
wherever they will.
~Jen Bryant (And LaterÖ)
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on May 22, 2019, 10:15:41 pm
Heyooo Mangooo!
Yes its me! I FOUND YOUR JOURNAL!!!! YAYYYYYY!
Ok, low-key just binge read (hehe cos we both LOVE to read) your journal and I wanna reply and say hi from all up till now because I feel rude not having stumbled across this before (even when I looked if you had a journal and somehow failed)

Firstly omg GIVE ME YOUR HUMOUR! Girl you are so funny! Love you to bits already!

- reading....SAME! I love to read but never get the time to just sit for a few hours and drink some tea and read. literally I am taking a gap year after year 12 and starting my own job called FULL TIME READING!

- I admit, I also exaggerate to me humourous, do you always get people that just never understand your humour no matter how obvious it is because girrrrrrl same!

- Relateable in the sense that I freak out over nothing but dont realise until later and just want to go back and slap myself in the face so hard and say WAKE UP LEXIE!

- Also love and appreciate when people not only take time to read but also comment on our posts....( hense my existence right here right now as you read this and now smile....hopefully....ok if not now you smiling....hehehehe)

Hope this aint creepy but I am gonna quote you on two things because I can relate to them soooooo much

1. " Its just really difficult being forced into an environment with so many toxic people whose values, language and behaviour are miles away from yours." Girl every.single.day for me. I hate it and what I hate more is my school screams "individuality, be yourself, everyone is accepted" When bitch you liar! Every day I walk into that school gate and suddenly I am not good enough, I am judged, teased and ignored, and rumours are spread and suddenly the 'safe place to learn' becomes the jailhouse of scrutiny and toxic people.

AlSO MANNNN THIS IS MY ANTHEMMMM THIS STATEMENT IS MY GOD AND I CANT BELIEVE YOU SAID THIS AND I AM SO IN AWE OF YOU FOR SAYING IT....
"Its a well known fact...book characters and dogs = infinity times better then humans. Dont even try to argue." BITCH I am singing this from my rooftops! YASSSSSS!!!!

and literally I swear every high school's library is the worst place to go for anything quiet. My library is always so loud and noisy! like ugh!

hope me commenting was ok xx Loving your journal so far! Keep it up girl xx
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: mango8 on May 28, 2019, 10:59:21 pm
ahh autumn has got the best of meÖ.I hate this weather I want summer to come quick but thereís 3 more months of this weatherÖAnd 4 more months of school. What a heavenly time it will be when it all comes to an end. 17 weeks to go.

Iím just waiting for these holidays to come to do a gigantic catch up because boy do I have a lot to catch up on. Right now Iím just taking it day by day and being plunged into the deep end of multiple sacs each week.

Honestly, nothing could possibly prepare you for Year 12, not other studentís experiences or anything, until it hits, and even when it does, having to grapple with lots of other non school related things as well makes it seem impossible. That this time will come to a culmination and none of it will matter anymore. That the goal of a 99+ atar could happen. That all of this is only temporary, it will all pass, and life will look up again, as one wonders if thatís even a remote possibility since it hasnít been that way in so long, that good things will happen to the good people, and there will be a chance to finally meet amazing people to have a deep, soul connection with and face the triumphs, celebrations, thrills, and darkness too.

Everyone I know, is good at everything. No stuff that, not merely good, but freaking brilliant and talented at all their subjects, they find it all so easy and achieve high marks for everything. I was always told: "Everyone has strengths and weaknesses," and my so called weaknesses that certain piece of shit higher people in my school know of, has only made me confident that I will come out golden and blazing, proving that I am capable and I did it, but all the people I spend time with in my classes, I observe them, people watching has always been a fascination of mine, whether it be walking on the street or sitting on the train, it is strangely thrilling for me to imagine what sort of lives they lead, their passions, hopes, dreams, their family, pets, their fears, and I know they are not only English orientated or Humanities or Science, they have it all. The life, and the abilities.

Since starting this journal, I have often wanted to post more, because I have so many thoughts, it is only a hope when scribbled or scrawled somewhere, the thoughts will begin to form some sort of coherence, clarity for me, and Iíll feel as if Iím writing to people who care and will listen to what I have to say (albeit that canít be said for real life), but I thought it would be too much and my most important thought of: WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK flooded my mind, because thatís all that seems to matter, not what I think or feel, but what everyone else needs or thinks or feels. And today, upon pondering this, I realised, this is my journal, my space, a tiny potion in the internet, a little vortex of a forum that I can call mine, and I can, for once, do it for me, and what I wish to do. How nice! Speaking to walls is typical, commonplace. Not being heard or understood, but this space will be for me, and I hope some of you may at least be able to find solace in what I write. Because you know, it would actually be nice to not be taking to walls for a change, and feel people on here might actually care. Or maybe that's too much to ask. It always seems to be, not for me to, oh that's expected, but for people to reciprocate

28-05-19

chem
we continued working on our experiment which was fun!! Being able to form ideas towards your learning about things youíre interested in is great!

lit
teacher yet again decided to be away. Omg the days/times they choose are sooooo annoying, of course itís never the day I could go home early but in between.
sidenote
When your school and the Ďmain peopleí are so full of shit they put on this facade for your parents so your parents would never gosh never believe anything you would say but their true nature, and they make up bs about Ďsupporting youí (WOW I AM SO SICK OF THAT BS) and they do nothing. My school and the people are honestly just so full of shit and theyíre all trash like Iím so sick of it, what do you think itís like being surrounded by that Every.Single.Damn.Day??
Anyway I worked on practice application tasks for maths.

revs
honestly. I wanted to love revs. I had my heart set on ancient history and when it was revs instead I was willing to go in with an open mind, and I absolutely adore history, but if Iím honest, Iím finding it so boring. My teacher is super passionate and loves teaching it, but itís just powerpoints every lesson and itís just bucketloads of content and more content I have to somehow fit into my brain with all the other million things I constantly think about.

at lunch I got help from my maths teacher and her glasses were broken and they kept falling as she talked and I was trying sooo hard not to laugh, but my body kept shaking slightly because it was hilarious. That aside, it went well.

maths
I did more of my application tasks, but at the end, I needed some more help but this other girl was getting help so I pulled up a chair because before each time someone got up from help, someone else rushed over (how funny they INTERACT with the teacher the day before the sac but never before??) and they took so long so I ended up wasting 15 min just sitting there when I couldíve done more of the application questions but just as the bell rang my teacher helped me and lol that moment when you show your teacher what you did on your cas, sheís all like: wth is that and then a few seconds later asks me to do the same thing (and then realises I just had to restrict the domain).

geo
Itís funny how the environment and people can just impact a subject so much. Iíve just started to hate it more and more because of the kinds of people in this class. Iím so tired of being surrounded by them everyday and the class is just ruined for me now. Also I know they always say: Ďthereís no such thing as stupid questionsí but there really are. And itís the kind of rubbish that comes out of these peopleís mouths (which donít seem to have the ability to shut), like the questions are so ridiculous itís irritating to hear over and over, not even actual proper questions about not understanding something or knowing something, just simply ridiculous things and god none of them know how to just shut up for once like no, I don't want to hear your stupid voice the entire time.

Just now I did even more maths for about 2 1/2 hours, so I really did a lot of work (maths) today.

And thatís about it. Watching The Cook and the Chef whilst writing this, and Iím going to head to bed. Maths SAC is tomorrow, wish me luck!! The thing with this application tasks is not necessarily that itís difficult as such but rather very, very time consuming, and requires a depth of understanding, knowledge and even creative and logical thinking to be able to put all your fundamental knowledge into use. Please please PLEASE be easier than the practice ones.

did anyone see the voice?
anyway there was this girl who was living THE DREAM in a musical theatre career (I CANNOT IMAGINE ANYTHING MORE EXCITING!!!!) and she had an amazing school counsellor who she saw and eventually they grew so close this girl ended up moving in with her and her partner!!! And hearing about all these counsellors who are so kind and loving and caring and go above and beyond is sad. Do you have an amazing one at your school? Iíd love to know and then proceed to feel sad because of mine and all the trash at my school.. Also there was this guy who sang mercy by shawn mendes so I was already biased (concert in a few months to celebrate the START of EXAMS WOOOO) but he was so mature for 16 and he was soooo cute and awkward in such an appealing way hahah. And can't think of anyone else who was particularly memorable right now OHHH wait the cricket player omg he was like already a singer right?? His voice was delightful!

I'll reply to everyone as soon as I can, but thank you to everyone who has so far! It makes me so happy when you take the time out to write something (even just one line or maybe three paragraphs), I think it's wonderful and everyone who does is so great!!

till next time xx

In summer I am very glad
We children are so small,
For we can see a thousand things
That men can't see at all.

They don't know much about the moss
And all the stones they pass:
They never lie and play among
The forests in the grass:

They walk about a long way off;
And, when we're at the sea,
Let father stoop as best he can
He can't find things like me.

But, when the snow is on the ground
And all the puddles freeze,
I wish that I were very tall,
High up above the trees.


~Laurence Alma-Tadema (Playgrounds)

lol so sleep deprived I forgot my sign off 🌜
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on May 28, 2019, 11:14:38 pm
Hey Mango! How have ya been? Omg I swear you nearly quoted an entry of mine once in the people watching part! We are so alike! And omg the voice yess! I thought exactly the same! That girl who sung shallow! as soon as she said "I am singing one of the biggest songs of the year" I already knew and my brother placed a bet...lets just say I am a whole $1 richer! BOOYAH!
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: Evolio on May 29, 2019, 05:58:59 pm
Quote
Iím just waiting for these holidays to come to do a gigantic catch up because boy do I have a lot to catch up on. Right now Iím just taking it day by day and being plunged into the deep end of multiple sacs each week.
Hahaha, same! But I'm sure it's more intense for you! You'll get through it!  :)

Quote
Since starting this journal, I have often wanted to post more, because I have so many thoughts, it is only a hope when scribbled or scrawled somewhere, the thoughts will begin to form some sort of coherence, clarity for me, and Iíll feel as if Iím writing to people who care and will listen to what I have to say (albeit that canít be said for real life), but I thought it would be too much and my most important thought of: WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK flooded my mind, because thatís all that seems to matter, not what I think or feel, but what everyone else needs or thinks or feels. And today, upon pondering this, I realised, this is my journal, my space, a tiny potion in the internet, a little vortex of a forum that I can call mine, and I can, for once, do it for me, and what I wish to do. How nice! Speaking to walls is typical, commonplace. Not being heard or understood, but this space will be for me, and I hope some of you may at least be able to find solace in what I write. Because you know, it would actually be nice to not be taking to walls for a change, and feel people on here might actually care. Or maybe that's too much to ask. It always seems to be, not for me to, oh that's expected, but for people to reciprocate.
I love your journal and I'm sure lots of people on AN love it too ! It's unique and I like how you pour out your soul into these entries! Your journal is one of my favourites because of how long it is(which I really like because I have more to read in the morning on my way to school)! Also how deep and philosophical they are and how you talk about issues in society today and the expectations of society! Keep those entries coming!
Don't think about what other people will think. Like, who cares? This is you and this is for you so do you! Do what you please and don't get swallowed up my other people's judgements!

Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: mango8 on May 29, 2019, 08:51:14 pm
Guess which journal has already got my nomination for AN Journal of the year?  ;) Just letting you know that I do look at other journals.


Oh my goodness!! How flattering! Thank you so much! I really hope things improve in Methods for you. Remember there's only 4 months to go!! Just need to keep hustling and pushing till then, and then we can take a lovely long break from anything related to maths.


Just have a quick question for you, how do you escape from the metaphorical 'bubble' of school and studying?


My answer to your quick question is simply that I don't. I never do. Hahaha.


Your insights are pure gold! I really enjoyed reading every word of your last update. Sleep well (or at least sleep better than what you said you've been), best of luck for this week, and continue being the unique soul you are!


This is such a lovely thing for you to say, it makes me so happy to know you love my insights and the uniques soul I am (which is a very true description of me). Hope to see you back soon!


Good to see you back, mango8. 👍

Great to be back.


Heyooo Mangooo!
Yes its me! I FOUND YOUR JOURNAL!!!! YAYYYYYY!
Ok, low-key just binge read (hehe cos we both LOVE to read) your journal and I wanna reply and say hi from all up till now because I feel rude not having stumbled across this before (even when I looked if you had a journal and somehow failed)

Firstly omg GIVE ME YOUR HUMOUR! Girl you are so funny! Love you to bits already!

- reading....SAME! I love to read but never get the time to just sit for a few hours and drink some tea and read. literally I am taking a gap year after year 12 and starting my own job called FULL TIME READING!

- I admit, I also exaggerate to me humourous, do you always get people that just never understand your humour no matter how obvious it is because girrrrrrl same!

- Relateable in the sense that I freak out over nothing but dont realise until later and just want to go back and slap myself in the face so hard and say WAKE UP LEXIE!

- Also love and appreciate when people not only take time to read but also comment on our posts....( hense my existence right here right now as you read this and now smile....hopefully....ok if not now you smiling....hehehehe)

Hope this aint creepy but I am gonna quote you on two things because I can relate to them soooooo much

1. " Its just really difficult being forced into an environment with so many toxic people whose values, language and behaviour are miles away from yours." Girl every.single.day for me. I hate it and what I hate more is my school screams "individuality, be yourself, everyone is accepted" When bitch you liar! Every day I walk into that school gate and suddenly I am not good enough, I am judged, teased and ignored, and rumours are spread and suddenly the 'safe place to learn' becomes the jailhouse of scrutiny and toxic people.

AlSO MANNNN THIS IS MY ANTHEMMMM THIS STATEMENT IS MY GOD AND I CANT BELIEVE YOU SAID THIS AND I AM SO IN AWE OF YOU FOR SAYING IT....
"Its a well known fact...book characters and dogs = infinity times better then humans. Dont even try to argue." BITCH I am singing this from my rooftops! YASSSSSS!!!!

and literally I swear every high school's library is the worst place to go for anything quiet. My library is always so loud and noisy! like ugh!

hope me commenting was ok xx Loving your journal so far! Keep it up girl xx

Hello my darling Lexi!! Not to worry! You're here now, and I appreciate that a lot! What a fantastic compliment!! So happy when I can make you laugh or smile! Humour is a funny thing (lol), you can try so hard and some people don't appreciate it haha.

I too wish to sit and read with a nice cup of tea, but alas, there never is a time to do so. What a brilliant idea!! I might have to take you up on that, and start my 'full time reading' job too hahah! No but really, booktubers I watch all have reading vlogs where they get to be in cosy, comfy clothes and read the entire day!! What bliss!

You definitely made me smile, I do love it so very much when people take just a few seconds to write something in response to all my thoughts and feelings I pour out.


I too am singing that from my rooftops like Mary Poppins because no truer words have been uttered, nothing, nothing can come close to how beautiful and precious and undeserving we are of God's angels living on earth, doggies.

We are indeed so alike, and that's what makes this soo special x





Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: mango8 on May 29, 2019, 09:04:35 pm
I love your journal and I'm sure lots of people on AN love it too ! It's unique and I like how you pour out your soul into these entries! Your journal is one of my favourites because of how long it is(which I really like because I have more to read in the morning on my way to school)! Also how deep and philosophical they are and how you talk about issues in society today and the expectations of society! Keep those entries coming!
Don't think about what other people will think. Like, who cares? This is you and this is for you so do you! Do what you please and don't get swallowed up my other people's judgements!

Thank you my dear <3 This message made me so so happy that you love my journal and appreciate and understand who I am. Oooh I'm so glad you enjoy its length too, I too love nothing more than poring over everyone's journals (even going way back). Thank you so much for this, you have just made me realise how true it is. Why should I care so much all the time about people and never about me? Your wise words and sweet words have made my day.

In the light of that, here is 29-05-19

just shit
for godís sakes I keep passing my stupid piece of privileged shit coordinator as I *hinted at last time, experiences every year with them have not been good, primarily due to the fact all of them were pieces of shit, like why the frick do you become a coordinator if you act like that, I genuinely hate them, and the 'counsellor' is just they are all so full of shit.

GUYS NOOOOOOOOOOO WHYYYYY MATHS AND REVS
IS
ON
THE
SAME
DAYYYYYYYYY
NOOOOOOO
my timetable overall pretty much sucks ahh

maths
It was a Ďrevisioní period as tomorrow is but there wasnít much left to do. There were questions I needed help with but other people were getting help and I didnít want to waste time like yesterday so all I did was look over my application questions and check the answers for the 6386th time. So productive.

geo
we worked on data for our fieldwork reports, which I suppose is what weíll be doing until the sac which is slowly creeping up. And Iím not ready at all because Iíve had to focus on the Chem sac last week, and the Maths and Lit sac this week. That same week will be my revs sac too. Year 12 is just sacs and sacs forever.

free
I again stared unhelpfully at my application questions and I diverted and tried to do practice sacs for Lit but thatís hard when you HATE the book but have to because your teachers choose the worst books ever.

lit
Did close analyses of certain sections of Twelfth Night and thatís pretty hard to do when you literally have no idea what on earth is going on in the book at all?? Like it would be a crime  to not do Shakespeare but stillÖ..If anyone has studied Shakespeare in 3/4 Lit and has any tips for studying and understanding Shakespeare it would be much appreciated, my game plan is going to be watching the best British studytubers detail how they got A*s in Lit and specifically write out my goals and plans for how Iíll approach it (and all my subjects, because each subject requires a different approach that will be what works for you!!). Iím trying so hard to develop a good relationship with my teacher but ahhh all I want is my teacher from last year but also, itís honestly not getting anywhere. We talked after class (since on Wednesdays whoever makes the timetables has zero brain cells because thereís a completely unnecessary, useless break in between second last and LAST period, itís so stupid like what do you expect me to do in that time, and to think I could be home way earlier if not for it) and I was (and still am) sooooo confused about one of the topics because it is just so vague and I was given no help in approaching it, when I tell her that, she just is so unhelpful. And also, at lunch tomorrow, for the first 10-15min, I have a meeting with another teacher, and then I was going to do the sac and in Period 4 my chem classmates and I were going to work on our experiment so we could go into last period and hopefully finish them all, and my lit teacher knew about this and agreed with the time, she didnít say anything until Iím in Revs and I get an email saying of course, on that ONE DAY at that EXACT time (surprise, surprise, the universe is ALWAYS against me), she has Ďyard dutyí (first up, lol WHAT, in high school you have yard duty, shows the immaturity of all these crap people), and after school I email her back reiterating this, and itís not like she has to physically sit there and watch me the entire time (all my other teachers for sacs Iíve caught up on have simply come in and given it to me at the start of lunch and then disappeared and reappeared at the end of lunch to collect it), but sheís like: Ďthe earliest you can sit it is at 12:40í. Like lol all she has to do is give the sac to me thatís itÖ.Idk why people sometimes can just be so strange.

revs
I have really well and truly lost my interest in revs. Thatís sad since I was such an avid, passionate history person and it has gotten so dry and boring and itís just the teacher talking and talking and talking and going through so much content each lesson. How can find my enthusiasm for it again?

Not sure why there was so long until the sac, 10 min to simply get organised (pack bags, go to the bathroom, get to the classroom) would have been more than sufficient, instead I had to wait and wait outside the classroom since my teacher always rocks up at the last second, and before sacs/tests/exams, I do not like to talk to anyone. I like to just take time to myself, to clear my mind and feel at as much ease as I can and calm myself down to be in the best possible headspace, nor do I ever like to talk to people after the sac. Whatís the point? Whatís done is done, nothing can be changed, no use beating yourself up over it now, although that makes me sound like a hypocrite because THAT SAC WAS A REAL MONSTER OMG. I heard Ďgirl with the stupendous scoreí say there was Ďone question she didnít get a chance to go back toí and Iím like: ĎGirl I had way more than one measly question to go back to!!'

And then guess what? It was absolutely pouring with rain, but I wanted to get out and go home so I went outside, braving the rain sans hoodie and umbrella and oh my gosh it was absolutely bone chillingly, piercingly cold, and the rain intensified, as I ran to the car, and I canít wait to get in and someoneís mum (in all this biting Siberian like cold), asks me if the Ďexamí is over, and Iím say: ďYes, the SAC just finished.Ē
Sheís like: ďHmmm?? The exam?Ē
She's clearly unaware of what a sac is, so I smile and say yes itís over, even though I see my car right there and the rain is just ricocheting down and my body is freezing, and then the rest of the time I have the heater on high, and even hail comes shooting down, and though itís so light, and only there for a few seconds, I feel a glimmer of hope upon the appearance of a rainbow.
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: Geoo on May 29, 2019, 09:20:57 pm
The weather was so bad this week! Today's rain was terrible! I swear I saw umbrellas flying away from the wind. I think the rain decided to fit all of Autumns rain in a week. Good job for braving the weather, that poor hoodie. I had my heater on full blast for most of the week! I hope it is much better next week.
It sucks that you have lost interest in revs, I was never a history fan myself, but I always found some parts fascinating and go off in a tangent to find out all about at 2 in the morning. Is it just the teacher or the content you find boring?
It sucks the maths and revs are on the same date! Are they both long exams?
Anyway,  I love reading your journal and it so great to see you writing it regularly again :D
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: w0lfqu33n89 on May 29, 2019, 11:39:41 pm
Hey M8! (hehe get it?)
with the understanding Shakespeare, I studied Romeo and Juliet last year, and although you are year 12 (idk if this is any helpful but oh well) There is this website called spark notes, where you can get character quotes and themes and all but there is also a translation section and you just select the chapter and then in 2 columns it shows up. On the left is the novel and on the right is basically the same but in modern terms to better understand the message being conveyed. For instance...

"I strike quickly, being moved" - Shakespeare will be turned into "I hit hard when I am angry"
it sort of helps I guess, but you probably already use this for all I know.
:)
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: mango8 on May 30, 2019, 11:07:04 am
Have you ever thought, maybe I'm invisible? Not felt it, but believed surely you must not be visible to the world? Maybe you're not even alive, merely existing.
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: mango8 on June 01, 2019, 11:39:46 am
I know no one probably actually cares but I just need to get it out. (Warning: A lot of negativity and swearing)

God I'm fucking tired
I fucking hate my school and the coordinators and 'higher up' people. And I've realised, that all of them, aside from one who I can't understand how the fuck he got his role when he can't even speak english or make any sense whatsoever, are privileged white assholes. So it's okay. Because everyone else is less. Nothing. They can be fucking rude and ill mannered and deplorable and act like pieces of shit over and over again, but I have to take it, don't I? Time and time again, I take it. Because I'm not only merely a stupid fucking teenager but I'm not white!!!!!!!!!! Therefore, I am lower. I have always been respectful and polite, especially to my elders. But that's meant that I take things when I shouldn't. Over and over and over again, I take it all. And I'm fucking exhausted and done with all of them who make absolutely no fucking effort to actually UNDERSTAND things at all but rather do as they please, say as they please and think it's fucking okay. They are all just fucking pieces of shit and it's gone on for all the years I've been at my fucking shit hole school. I have to see emails and have one sided conversations (because I don't fucking exist do I?) and take it every single fucking time. And if I try to speak up, (because I deserve that, don't I), what do you think? Does it work in my favour? Or do I feel even more worthless than I already do? God I'm so tired of this, every single fucking day.
FOUR MORE MONTHS AND I'LL BE DONE. NEVER HAVE TO EVEN LOOK AT THOSE PIECES OF SHIT AGAIN, EVER, NOR WILL THEY RETAIN POWER AND PRIVILEGE OVER ME ANYMORE, AND I WON'T NEED TO KEEP TAKING IT AND STILL BEING FUCKING NICE EVERY DAMN TIME. Why the fuck do so many people like them even exist?
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: Geoo on June 01, 2019, 11:11:14 pm
I know no one probably actually cares but I just need to get it out. (Warning: A lot of negativity and swearing)

God I'm fucking tired
I fucking hate my school and the coordinators and 'higher up' people. And I've realised, that all of them, aside from one who I can't understand how the fuck he got his role when he can't even speak english or make any sense whatsoever, are privileged white assholes. So it's okay. Because everyone else is less. Nothing. They can be fucking rude and ill mannered and deplorable and act like pieces of shit over and over again, but I have to take it, don't I? Time and time again, I take it. Because I'm not only merely a stupid fucking teenager but I'm not white!!!!!!!!!! Therefore, I am lower. I have always been respectful and polite, especially to my elders. But that's meant that I take things when I shouldn't. Over and over and over again, I take it all. And I'm fucking exhausted and done with all of them who make absolutely no fucking effort to actually UNDERSTAND things at all but rather do as they please, say as they please and think it's fucking okay. They are all just fucking pieces of shit and it's gone on for all the years I've been at my fucking shit hole school. I have to see emails and have one sided conversations (because I don't fucking exist do I?) and take it every single fucking time. And if I try to speak up, (because I deserve that, don't I), what do you think? Does it work in my favour? Or do I feel even more worthless than I already do? God I'm so tired of this, every single fucking day.
FOUR MORE MONTHS AND I'LL BE DONE. NEVER HAVE TO EVEN LOOK AT THOSE PIECES OF SHIT AGAIN, EVER, NOR WILL THEY RETAIN POWER AND PRIVILEGE OVER ME ANYMORE, AND I WON'T NEED TO KEEP TAKING IT AND STILL BEING FUCKING NICE EVERY DAMN TIME. Why the fuck do so many people like them even exist?

God, that sound awful! You would think that this wouldn't happen in today's age, especially in Australia, but apparently it's too hard. Keep pushing through Mango! As you said, only four months to go then you can tell them to
Spoiler
Go Fuck Themselves
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: mango8 on June 04, 2019, 08:11:50 pm
God, that sound awful! You would think that this wouldn't happen in today's age, especially in Australia, but apparently it's too hard. Keep pushing through Mango! As you said, only four months to go then you can tell them to
Spoiler
Go Fuck Themselves

Thank you so much Geoo <3 This really uplifted me and reminded me that they aren't even worth it. At all.

so first of all. I just want to say a huge thank you to all the people who sent me messages after my last post. Each one of them already knows how much I appreciate them, but I seriously could not believe it, when I made that post on Saturday, I went to have a shower, and came back to THREE messages. Thatís insane. Some people here are genuinely so much better than people in real life. In real life people are so draining, and I would rather the world be filled with dogs instead and spend all my time with dogs. And I got more, and I kept re reading them, a wonderful solace to remind me that at least, some people genuinely cared for me, and made an effort to understand me. It means more than any of them will ever know, and you never ever realise how a simple message to someone can truly change their lives. You guys who took time for me, you are so treasured by me and so special.

weekend unproductivity due to shit people
Anyway, over the weekend I was honestly very unproductive, unable to get anything done, because one of those people (who canít even fucking speak english, and how the fuck can someone be a coordinator in the highest position if you CANíT SPEAK ENGLISH), kept getting on my back and sending me these stupid emails, and I replied twice before finally realising, HE IS SO FUCKING STUPID HE LITERALLY JUST HEARS HIS OWN VOICE like I repeated the same thing over and over, and he wouldnít shut the fuck up with his accusations and implications despite what I was saying (itís basically about me not going to homeroom thing for certain reasons, and I go sit in the Ďcounsellors chairsí. And my Mum spoke to him on the phone today, to knock some damn sense into his idiot brain. Honestly all these assholes have just tried to make my life even harder than it already is so yeah, canít wait to (as Geoo said) tell them to go fuck themselves soon. LOL I just think, they think theyíre so fucking important and abuse their power and constantly are rude and make me feel small, and in a few years Iíll have my fucking book and have achieved so many amazing things and theyíre nothing more than GRAINS OF SAND. Meaningless pieces of shit.

04-06-19
Winter is finally upon us. I am constantly freezing to the core, and whenever Iím outside my nose has a perpetual leaking problem, and regardless of how many layers I wear, I still shiver.

chem
This morning, I arrived at school 10 minutes late, and I was frantically rushing to chem, only to discover, there was no one inside the classroom. We had always been in the same room, there was no reason to change, but I checked, and WHAT DO I DISCOVER BUT IT WAS CANCELLED. So I was rushing and racing to school, for nothing. I was so annoyed with my teacher, and teachers in general (never saying anything until the DAY ITSELF), because I had emailed her yesterday, and never once did she mention she was going to be away (and no, she wasnít sick but at a conference, so she obviously wouldíve known WELL in advance), and once I open my email, she sent an email in the morning, and I DONíT CHECK EMAILS IN THE MORNING WHY WOULD I but I just thought, for once I couldíve slept in, because this year all my frees are never at the start or end of the day (though I donít much care for sleeping in, Iíd much rather leave early), but I worked on my poster.

lit
I am so uninspired to even do much in lit (so contrary to last year where doing all the work was for once, fun and never even felt like work), so I ignored the looming creative sac, and instead worked on my poster again.


insert venting
So get this. After the incident with the counsellor whoís really a bitch, I did not go there for two weeks. She had never bothered to contact me once, yes, not once, but apparently kept reporting my lack of presence being there everyday to the shit assholes (if anyone thinks of a more creative name, let me know down below), and I go in, headphones in, her door is open, and I donít look up, and go and sit down. Nothing. She comes out, and from my peripheral vision (since I angled myself away from the door), I clearly see her stop and look for a few seconds, and then walk out. A few minutes later, she walks back in. Nothing. And again, a few minutes, and she leaves (slamming the door like a fucking child), and completely ignores me. Like GOD IT HONESTLY MAKES ME FUCKING MAD SHE IS CONSIDERED A COUNSELLOR WHEN SHE IS SUCH A BITCH LIKE SHE HAS BEEN ALL THROUGH THE YEARS BUT GUESS WHAT I TRY AND SEE THE GOOD IN PEOPLE AND I JUST LET IT GO AND WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK HOW CAN A COUNSELLOR ACT LIKE YOU DONíT EVEN FUCKING EXIST. Another piece of trash.

revs
God sometimes I just want to scream at people. All the people Iíve made an effort to talk to just simply exclude me each time, and do you know every single time Iím not the first (and only) one to say hi and make conversation, they literally ignore my existence. Iím so sick of them. I just think whatís the point of even bothering to talk to them when they clearly canít be stuffed. Another powerpoint, and I handed in a practice response. Everything in life is fucking pointless.

I had my maths sac, it was cas and notes, but I donít even understand why. Like it was as hard, if not worse then last weekís no cas and notes sac, where every question looked like some ancient language with words just thrown together symbolising no coherence, but just an assortment of values and words Iím supposed to make sense of. I studied hard, and it just was so confusing. I read questions over and over and still nothing would click to understand how to go about solving it. I really, really want to do well in methods (mainly to shove it in all the arrogant privileged assholes faces who thought I couldnít), and I know I can, but I donít know what else to do differently. Yes I am so behind, but this holidays, I WILL be back on track (keep me accountable guys), and I have a tutor who is really helpful, I always talk to my teacher, I donít know how to find it easier, and not like itís consuming so much effort and time to understand.

Speaking of, I was thinking a lot about going for extra tutoring classes, and last year when I did, he actually didnít even get me to pay. And this year, actually a few weeks ago in preparation for this sac, I had planned to go for two or three more classes, until I messaged him and he informed me it would still cost $50. I thought to myself, jeez, not everyone is frigging loaded, and there is no way I would have my parents fork out $150+ on maths tuition a week, that is insane to expect I would pay that. I mean, Iím going regularly for classes, and in my mind, it seemed logical and reasonable that I would get a lesser price for additional classes (he is in high demand as well, he has so many students), and when I articulated this realistic notion that I wouldnít pay that much, it was met by awkward laughter, and then he said: ďItís okay, weíll manage with one class.Ē

Oh, and speaking of this, I remembered I wanted to talk about my chemistry tutor. So three weeks ago I had a sac, and usually after class I would ask him questions, but this week he had started a new class right after ours, and he told me to email them to him. That I did, and to cut a long story short, he kept me waiting and waiting, and ended up giving me two answers (which basically rewrote the solutions, if I understood from the solutions, would I have asked??), and I stayed up, waiting and waiting, and ON THE DAY OF MY SAC in the morning he sent one more answer, as if anything would even absorb by then lol and the next week when he asked how my sac was I like to think my answer was passive aggressive, but I just said it was fine (without you, a snarky voice added in my head), and the following two weeks, I witnessed him spending a LOT OF TIME with two students after class. I am really thinking I need to invest in a private tutor, because he just zooms through content, and for crying out loud, paying him A LOT OF MONEY and he can't even help me outside of that, well. And I obviously want to do well, and improve tremendously, which I know I am capable of.

maths
The day before the grande finale, the teacher decided to be away. Fantastic. However, I was very productive with doing application task questions, and I appreciate the people I surround myself with in maths, who are all diligent, studious, hard-working, and extremely extremely SMART lol.

geo
Oh God the sac is next week, I have to get it done my the weekend since the next few days will be spent on my poster. Still donít enjoy the atmosphere of this class. Never any time to be QUIET and get work done. Which happens in every other class, people know when to shut up. Thereís just no respect or proper manners here. And I saw one of the privileged white assholes stride past, donít want to see your stupid face thank you.

So basically every class minus revs was independent, and was a complete waste of time to go to school. But I was very productive. Iím going to go have a brownie and watch The Voice now. I hope it does not pour down with icy rain the second the sac is over tomorrow, I do not understand why there is such a long waiting period between after school and the sac (like what exactly can I do in that time), and why sacs are constantly after school. Like have some common sense. Why the fuck would I want to stay longer in that trash place if we could do it at lunchtime and through class?

Toodles,

Hugs + love always 💖

OH ALSO MY UNCLE IS COMING ON SATURDAY SO I HAVE SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO I CANíT WAIT!!!! Talk to you lovely humans tomorrow x

PS: Whenever I write venting bad stuff, that's the only part I don't re read because even writing about it, while it's good to let it out, it forces me back into that situation, and I replay all the emotions, and I don't like doing that. So if there's errors, it's a part of it I guess. Sorry.
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: mango8 on June 05, 2019, 07:53:53 pm
05-06-19

maths
Gosh maths has consumed two whole weeks, the Ďrevisioní periods everyday were not helpful since there really wasnít much left to do, but I did get help from my teacher to translate some questions from ĎAncient somethingí to english.

geo
Continued working on the report, and did practice questions with insufficient time to properly think and answer them. Youíd think geo was a bludge (as I naively did, and itís not).

free
Worked on my chem report.

lit
I donít have a solid place here, as I mentioned two weeks ago I finally took the plunge to talk to a bunch of people I met over the years, but every single time I have to talk to them or make the effort, otherwise, nothing. Worked on my chem report because my passion for lit is gone. Though next week I will have to start working on my creative task (however from talking to people, it seems no one has really done much, or maybe they're just making it up since they're definitely the kind of people who say they've done nothing, and they've actually written a thesis). I know exactly what to include in my discussion but I was just stuck on writing it, and my teacher suggested we talk in class tomorrow, and itís due friday, but for some reason fridayís class will be devoted to it as well which is really odd. I am hoping to get it done tomorrow, so I can ask my dad to print it at officeworks for me. I definitely regret not spending time on it on the weekend. I need to also print the Unit 4 notes and plan times to meet with my teacher to consolidate concepts. Something I really like is to see other people's approaches. Like for sacs, I wish our teachers would show us the best responses, so we could take detailed notes about how to best improve. I love seeing how other people write things.

after the stupid break (like who the heck thought of the dumb idea to have such a long break between second last and last period?? what an actual genius. oh wait, my schoolís filled with a whole bunch of fucking geniuses right?)

revs
Tried my best to focus, but my attention wavered a lot, I really need to find my passion for history again. But we watched some of a movie as well. At least revs teacher has the courtesy to let us know in advance when sheíll be away on a conference. So a sleep in tomorrow. And other than maths, tomorrow will be another useless waste of time at school since geo will be working on the report, and chem as well. Like what's the point of me bothering to go all the way when I'll just be working on my laptop anyway.

Another ridiculous amount of time until the sac (to do what exactly??), and I waited, and waited, trying to drown out all the chatter and noise of every class, and the teacher this time, decides to rock up, what, five minutes before it actually starts?? Yes. Whilst waiting for outside the room, okay, one of my biggest pet peeves that irritates me so much (and not to worry guys, thereís a whole laundry list Iím sure youíll find out all about), is when teachers stride past when youíre clearly waiting outside a classroom, and they fucking ignore you and refuse to open it (which would take up hmmm about ten seconds of their precious time?) So the last few years I used to go to school extremely early and then sit outside the classroom for half an hour plus. And at some point, a teacher would walk past, LOOK at me waiting, even a few other early birds, and would not be stuffed to simply let us in. It irks me SO SO SO much. So that's why I decided not to bother coming early anymore. And today, as Iím waiting there, along with a few other people, guess who strides past but the fucking privileged asshole and I have to see his stupid face, and he sees tonnes of students waiting in front of their rooms, and does nothing. And I have to hear his stupid voice talking to other people. I can't wait for the moment in the future, when I read back on this, and though I tell myself over and over, he, nor any of them, are worth my time thinking about, on and on, I can't wait when I look back on this, which I will feel terribly sad as well for all the absolute shit I've endured at my shit school, and realise, none of this even matters. Least of all any of the people.

lil letter to future me
Darling,
You are so so strong, stronger than you ever knew. You can do this. And all of this is so tiny, so insignificant, none of this will even matter in a year or five years, or twenty years. You will get through this, and you will be victorious, Because you are a warrior. You never let anything or anyone stop you, or make you feel worthless. You deserve the world, and you will get what you deserve, you will live an amazing, beautiful life and meet some truly marvellous people who love and care and value and appreciate you, your dreams and hopes and aspirations will come true, and you will show them all. Fuck them all. You are better, by miles and miles, and I promise you will look back on this, and wish you didn't care so much, and didn't go through what you have. This too shall pass, and you can do this. 16 more weeks, hey. You will be so so proud of the person you have become as a result of everything. You will show them all, you will achieve more than they ever will, and do what you were put on this earth for, and people will see you, and will care for you. A time will come for all this. Until then, hold on, and remember you are worth everything 💖

Then the sac happened, not that by any means was it Ďeasyí, but it was far, far better than all the previous parts. When I looked at questions, I was like, finally, I understand what the heck is going on, I know what itís asking, I know the steps to take. And when it was over, just as before it starts, I just told my Ďmaths buddiesí I was glad it was over, and left because I didnít want to discuss it at all, and it was time for alone time, and thank goodness, rain did not surge down as soon as I stepped outside.

And thatís pretty much it.

THANK YOU TO R!CKWORTHY AND LEXI AND COLLINE FOR BEING THE AWESOME PEOPLE THEY ARE, God they are ALL such gems, and have done more than they will ever know. Go give them some love <3

See you tomorrow!

ďTrue belonging doesnít require you to change who you are; it requires you to be who you are.Ē
~Brenť Brown

I truly can not wait for the day I have the resounding realisation this is true in my life. Please donít take anything for granted, and stay grateful and be kind always x
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: mango8 on June 06, 2019, 08:08:08 pm
06-06-19

maths
Started the new topic, and the next sac is ALREADY being talked about. Itís FIRST WEEK BACK. So not only do I have to catch up on bucketloads of work, get ahead, but also organise myself for sac nķmero dos. At the start of the year the teacher was more than happy to go into recess/lunch, and last week she was adamant she did not want to. So I donít know. Why are the breaks so LONG, it makes me so mad that if they were shortened I could GO HOME EARLIER. Whoever invented these breaks clearly didnít use a brain. Which is basically the majority of people at school. Also Ďbrilliant and intelligent girl with the stupendous scoresí DOES LIT TOO UHHH OKAYYY sheís not just good, she is stupendous at EVERYTHING. How unfair is that? When people not only have a flair for one thing but for EVERYTHING. I remember once there was someone who was stellar at maths and science, then she read her paragraph in english, and I was astounded, and she was simultaneously musically talented AND could draw so well too. Why do some people get to be like that?

so I sat in the room, and Ďcounsellorí (though it really angers me that she could be referred to as that) completely ignored me. You DO NOT DESERVE TO HAVE THAT TITLE. fuck you.

geo
Wasnít the worst lesson funnily enough. Did some activities and had time to work on reports but as you may have guessed, I did my chem report instead.

finished my lit sac!! I wrote FIVE PAGES and lol my handwriting at the start was elegant you could say, and by the end, it was an illegible (hopefully not actually illegible tho haha) scrawl. Every time I think I have nothing to write and Iíll end up writing loads. I probably did atrociously though. Doesnít help when you hated the book so much. Oh well. I have my next sac to work on. And you have to just keep moving forward, can't be stuck in the past. That's my problem. I am NEVER living in the present moment, I am either obsessing over the past or worrying my stupid overthinking brain off for the future. Yep, being a perfectionist and an overthinker with a lot of crap going on in life too is not great at all.

then I worked on my chem poster, and I was sitting outside, and of course, the second I sat down, a few minutes later, who strides out but rotten garbage Ďcounsellorí (I refuse to keep calling her that though), and naturally I look up, and she looks right at me, and walks right past without a fucking word because sheís a piece of shit. She absolutely disgusts me, as do all of them. Tell me, if youíre a fucking counsellor do you fucking act like a student you know oh VERY WELL doesnít even fucking exist, like all these people are utter trash, but after these experiences day after day, I feel worthless, even more than I already do. And I hate myself for letting them get to me. You should NEVER let ANYONE hold power over you and make you feel like nothing. I canít wait to get out of this shithole and be who I am and make my own decisions and choices and have MY life how I WANT for ONCE where I donít have all these fucking assholes and expectations and you canít let pieces of shit like all these people in my school WIN. So you push through, keep going, keep running, for four more months, and after this, life will be amazing. You will be successful and truly happy and SHOW them all you were NEVER DEFEATED and go on to achieve beyond spectacular things that you will finally be seen and known and noticed and oh they will fucking know, because youíll fucking show them youíre worth the world, and oh all those people who made you feel worthless will feel like the dumb zero brain celled idiots and shits they are. Because they are NOTHING and you, YOU ARE EVERYTHING x Just you wait.

chem
worked on my chem poster, and talked to my teacher about it as well to ensure I was on the right track. All in all, Iím done, I just have to organise it into the template and print it and then I can finally focus on the geo report BUT guess what the geo and chem sac next week is on the same day yippee!! I'll get back so late and god I wish we could just do it in class or at lunchtime instead of this really fucking stupid after school thing all the time.

Thatís all for today folks. Catch you tomorrow!

Also just wanted to share this, my Uncle (YESS SATURDAY I CAN'T WAIT!!!) sent me a collage, but the message is simple, I try to be conscious of it, but it really is true <3

dear self in 2019
(https://i.imgur.com/e3lDYNL.png)


Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: Remy33 on June 07, 2019, 02:46:15 pm
sheís not just good, she is stupendous at EVERYTHING. How unfair is that? When people not only have a flair for one thing but for EVERYTHING. I remember once there was someone who was stellar at maths and science, then she read her paragraph in english, and I was astounded, and she was simultaneously musically talented AND could draw so well too. Why do some people get to be like that?

Wild suggestion - but maybe it is because they actually work ridiculously hard and put in an insane amount of effort behind the scenes?? There is nothing "unfair" about it. If anything, it just shows their work ethic, perseverance and self control.

I hope this didn't sound too attacking, just some food for thought. Good luck with your studies and VCE.
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: mango8 on June 07, 2019, 04:47:54 pm
Wild suggestion - but maybe it is because they actually work ridiculously hard and put in an insane amount of effort behind the scenes?? There is nothing "unfair" about it. If anything, it just shows their work ethic, perseverance and self control.

I hope this didn't sound too attacking, just some food for thought. Good luck with your studies and VCE.

That is certainly a fair and reasonable point and I wouldn't deny that the majority of them work extremely hard to get where they are because nothing comes easy and you must put in the yards for anything you want to achieve.

However I think its important to see both sides. When I described it as being unfair, remember that no one knows truly what someone is going through and a lot of people have also continuously given their everything to every subject and every assignment and work their butts off too, indeed it is all behind the scenes for us all, and not everyone ends up being amazingly talented at it all. Someone may have a strength in only one area but that by no means means they haven't worked or put in as much effort. In fact some things are just natural flairs, for art in particular, and often in YouTube videos , the comments section will be loaded with comments of how good they are at singing/drawing/dancing or whatever it may be.

Also an important point is when one is placing all their thoughts and true feelings on a public journal, it is much easier to be judgemental, when in reality humans are all jealous creatures with a natural tendency to feel lesser than those who are prettier, smarter or have 'perfect' lives in comparison. It is certainly not a feeling you can control, I am sure most people will naturally feel threatened.

It is vital to remember we don't know what goes on behind the scenes in anyone's life, and personally for me, I only use that as motivation to be the best possible version of me and do as well as I possibly can and even talking to those people sheds some light on what I could be doing differently. If you allow that jealousy to boil and boil into hatred until you can't even fathom using it to improve yourself, it doesn't work at all.

So yes I do understand what you are saying but I also feel perhaps it could've been worded differently.
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: mango8 on June 13, 2019, 08:12:41 pm
Hello all.

All this SMASH IT OUT AT THE LAST POSSIBLE MOMENT is becoming my forte. I had not started my fieldwork report. And so on Tuesday, I forced myself to sit down and do it. My head started spinning at 6 hour mark but did i keep going? Oh yes i did. Because iím superwoman, right? For 7 hours in total. I need to stop doing this. It only affects me, and the quality of my work. I have done this so many times, and it needs to stop. No more.

So GAT dayÖ.had a 100% chance of rain. I got to wake up at 90% of studentsí Ďtake it for grantedí wake up time at 7:20. I arrived at the perfect time, and Iím just hoping (touchwood) nothing drastic happens it needs to be used. I have no idea how people left early when as ridiculous as it soundsÖ3 hours was not enough. This time I did the writing pieces first and I had about 1 hour 40 min left to do the multiple choice. Seems like I worked quite well but a lot of the questions I stared at for long periods of time to comprehend how exactly to solve it. Some I could not even work out how to do. After, that I got home, and did a final 2h 15 min of my fieldwork report.

13-06-19 - two sacs and a twelve hour day

revs
Tried my best to focus but my interest in one of my fav subjects, has dissipated. I donít know how to get it back. Anyway, I have the second sac in two weeks. Next week there are no sacs. Never before. Need to get my notes in order these holidays, and stay on top of everything.

maths
I worked through recess, I think doing that is really good since itís all fresh in my mind and Iím not wasting the stupidly long breaks doing nothing.

geo
It was The SAC. It wasnít actually a difficult one since all the info was in the report, regardless, I think I did terribly. Why oh why did I think it would be a BLUDGE ahhh.

lunch+free
Did two hours of studying for chem sac and maths.

chem
Donít understand why we couldnít do the sac then or at lunch, but it was time to Ďreviseí which was stupid. At a certain point Ďrevisingí is useless, when nothing more absorbs into your brain. And I stared at the information, and with the amount of raucous noise, could I even possibly focus? So it was a waste of time.

chem sac
Definitely blame my teacher for never even explaining the content of the sac until I emailed her, she Ďrememberedí and sent a last minute email. And it was not explained clearly, and questions came up which I couldnít prepare for since she never even said anything about it.

I arrived home at 6:05. So it was a twelve hour day, since I woke up at 6:05, as I do everyday.

Maths sac is first week back and I will redeem myself.

One day to go, and I can leave a bit earlier for once.

Finally, one more thing. Since I started this I have contemplated whether I should share more of my story. Many people have said what a supportive wonderful place they have found atarnotes to be, and I could not be happier for them. There have been two very special people I have met here who are very dear to me, because of what they have done. But other than that, I donít know. I wish I could tell you everything, spill parts of myself I only dare pour out in my own journals, but I remember all the people in this world, and I stop myself. In real life I already have to deal with terrible people, and I can't risk doing it on here, for who knows, I have met a number of lovely, kind, sweet people, but who knows what others will be here? And I can't deal with people's judgement on here as well, especially when you know nothing of my reality.
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: Owlbird83 on June 17, 2019, 07:16:52 pm
Hi Mango!
I love your journal!
What are your favourite books (other than the Mortal Instruments ;) )? Do you have any recommendations for someone who enjoys fantasy?
 ;D
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: mango8 on June 18, 2019, 08:58:06 pm
Tuesday 18th June - The one where the drink bottle was forgotten

Hello all! I am trying out different formats, and for a special prize (lol) be the first one to comment down below where my title inspiration is from!

chem
Finally started the Unit 4. Since working on the posters for almost a month, we are very behind. There seems to be a lot to memorise in chem too, which I did not sign up for since all my subjects are CONTENT heavy. Anyway, I asked my teacher if we could go over some concepts at lunch which I didnít understand, she said sure, and literally a few minutes later in lit, I get an email saying she has a meeting and how about tomorrow during a free instead. Of course I agree, although I donít really like not self studying during my frees. Oh well, sooner than later right? Thatís what I think, since in my experience having gaps in knowledge just widens and widens as the topic progresses, without a firm grasp on the fundamentals, it is almost impossible to get further.

lit
I did not do any lit, instead I worked on revs. See the trend? In lit, I never actually work on lit. I feel it is utterly pointless to come to school when you are not being taught anything, and left to your own devices so often. Another noteworthy update, my dislike, has grown worse for my teacher. So, I just finished sac 1 much later than everyone else, and of course, would have been unable to focus on much else, let alone the next sac, until I had finished the first one. And I was lost. Completely astray. I truly have no idea what sac 2 even entails, and it just means more writing on books I donít like. Obviously I looked at the task sheet many times. But I was still confused. So after class (break time), I asked her if she would go over the sac, simultaneously weaving a story I had already created a draft. She essentially just told me to look at the sheet (uh which I did, many times, if I understood, would I ask you for a more elaborate explanation??), and sounded irritated at my questions, and that I was taking up her time (when I asked if she was free now, just packing up her things and telling me look at the sheet), and I am tired of her. I have been talking about revs, and my interest for that waning each lesson, but really, the worst is lit. My absolute precious subject, the one I held tenderly and adored more than anything else, the teacher and the class combined, has made my passion dissipate vastly. It is terrible, really.

I continued working on revs at recess, and then it was..

revs
I attempted to make conversation, and as expected, was given the bare minimum worded answers, with no interest to continue, and I just feel like giving up on bothering to talk to people at all. People exhaust me daily. I find myself hating them. (Note: If you find it in yourself to want to judge me and make assumptions and attacks based on a very limited perspective of how my life truly is, please click off my journal. This is my space, and I only ask you to be kind and supportive and offer any encouragement, advice, and your own experiences, because I did not come on here to have thousands of people judge me as well. I AM SICK OF PEOPLE JUDGING ME. Sorry for the outburst, but if you truly have nothing positive to say, then donít. Donít read my journal. Then again, if someone has something bad to say about you, it's probably because they have nothing good to say about themselves.). I asked my maths teacher if she was free to help me go over questions and exercises over lunch, and surprise, surprise, she was not either. That doesnít mean you slack off.

I worked on maths in a classroom which was incredibly noisy outside, but I donít let myself get distracted or bothered by now, I am focused, and restrained. As I checked my answers, none of them were right, and I was baffled. I had gone over these concepts yesterday with my tutor, and I knew the method was right. So what was I doing wrong? I couldnít figure it out. I didnít want to waste time, so I kept continuing, noting down those questions. Then I referred to the examples, and realised, like an absolute idiot, I had completely skipped the Ďintegratingí step and went straight into substations yes I wrote substations, I meant substitutions.

maths
More sacs were gotten back. I did not want to get mine back, at all. In fact, funny story, I refused to look at my revs sac because I was so afraid of what I would see. As she went through the solutions, I got my book out, ready to take detailed notes of all my mistakes, and she zoomed through it all, and I had no time to write down the questions and the solutions (since oddly for maths, where it probably would be most helpful, you canít take sacs home or take photos AT ALL), so I settled for staring at the screen blankly while having absolutely no clue what she was saying since I also refused to open my pages being the epitome of a self-conscious person, and sitting next to Ďgirl with the stupendous scoresí (who I shall have to come up with a nickname for, since I talk about her quite a lot haha but thatís because she is mind-blowing talented and so inspiring to me), heightened the awareness of just who I was next to. I did exchange jokes though, with her, and another person I was next to.

geo
We moved onto the next topic, which actually seems pretty interesting. Except for the part where people can make senseless, inconsiderate comments and jokes about real people in the world suffering real problems.

And I just finished doing two maths exercises (maths never ends). Now I am finally going to relax and eat some delicious fruit (papaya, kiwi and grapes) and watch the Voice.

Oh I almost forgot! You might be wondering what is so significant about me forgetting my drink bottle. Well, I havenít forgotten it in years. And probably only have a handful of times in my lifetime. I usually pack it the night before, but for some reason I didnít. And in the morning, I didnít either. Rifling through my bag, I was flabbergasted. I never forget anything. To me, it was significant. The water tap didnít even work properly, and I only drank from another one once. And I drink lots and lots of water everyday. Most times I go through two bottles, and I had none. I made an interesting observation (which I never noticed before funnily enough), that so many people did not have water bottles with them. I canít comprehend that. I drink 1/4-1/2 a bottle every class! As expected, I ended up with a spinning head.

Also thanks Owlbird for your reply, I will get back to you, I am just so tired right now.

I hope you are all doing well, (at least better than me). Lots of love x
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: mango8 on June 19, 2019, 08:38:25 pm
Wednesday 19th June - The one where something blossomed

maths
Even more sac parts were gotten back. I find two things very humorous about these many people with their stupendous scores I sit with in maths. One, they always, always act as if they are so underprepared and Ďnot readyí for sacs and tests, and come out blazing as usual with their amazing results, and two, the shielding of their papers (because no one is even looking at the score/what was gotten right and wrong, I am only concerned with my own mistakes, and inspired to learn from their dedication and diligence and immense hard work to get the results they do). The maths sacs were truly horrendous. Most of the questions truly sounded like a made up alien language with words strung together to supposedly resemble things you can actually work out and solve. Whoever invented those questionsÖHow on earth did you create those monstrosities?

geo
I really wanted to answer more questions, but itís hard when you donít actually know the answer. I also realised I canít rely solely on my teacher anymore, I must consult with the study design and textbook more frequently, because undoubtedly there are many gaps. So many things listed in the study design were either never covered, or covered very vaguely. So these holidays, I shall make a detailed plan to stay accountable, and use them fruitfully. Geo wise, I need to do as I did for psych last year, where I made notes covering every aspect of the study design. This is crucial. And I need to go back and refresh concepts which I have forgotten about. As with every subject.

So next was my meeting with my chem teacher to go over some organic chemistry concepts and examples. It was very productive. Things actually started making sense, and having that one on one time is extremely beneficial, so I encourage you all to make times frequently with your teachers to go over content.

lit
Another useless lesson, where nothing was taught, and I worked on revs instead. The lit sac is due very soon, and I have not even made a start. I am sure you know why (if you are caught up with all my posts). I know i cannot let my dislike of her to get in the way of doing well in the subject, since I want that 50 in lit, above any other subject, but this subject was always so dear to me, and meant so much to me, and I know whatís happening, and I donít want it to, but I am finding it very hard to change my mindset.

revs
It is very hard to concentrate, but I try my best to. As a matter of fact, I was too elated to think of much else since I had a conversation with someone who I didnít for a long time, and itís funny how some people or things can just change just like that, and what seems like so little to them, means so much to me. If people were more willing to engage and make an effort and not sick with their stupid cliques, things would be so different. Anyway, this made me really happy. I hope we get more opportunities to talk. Some people can just catch you by surprise sometimes. But I should not get my hopes up. No, I have learnt not to do that.

I just finished consolidating my understanding in chem with doing a booklet of naming and drawing organic compounds, and going over both past and material coming up. When you start getting the hang of things, it feels like such a wondrous achievement. Now Iím just going to relax and watch some tv (not sure whatís on), and maybe, just maybe, sleep at a reasonable time for once in my life.

Often the strongest among us are the ones who smile through silent pain, cry behind closed doors, and fight battles nobody knows about.

Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: Bri MT on June 20, 2019, 03:33:13 pm
At the high school I went to people used to care a lot about what scores the high achievers were getting so its nice to hear that that's not the case at your school (for math at least anyway). Kudos for using the achievement of others as motivation rather than feeling threatened or bitter about it (as can too easily be the case for people sometimes) :)

As for how the questions are created (I feel like this was a rhetorical question but I'm going to answer it anyway) some teachers pull directly or tweak questions from VCAA and/or company papers.

Nice to hear about the progress you're making with realising to change up your study + receiving help from your chem teacher - hopefully it's mainly uphill from here :)

I would give you advice for tolerating lit but I left it as soon as I could (end of year 11) because I was frustrated with feeling like I wasn't learning anything so yeah... (I didn't have issues with my teacher but the class just wasn't working for me).


Finally, in response to sharing personal info with the AN community (from an earlier post) please never feel like you're obligated to do this. There are things I wouldn't have shared if I'd had a VCE journal that impacted my year 12; you've got to make the choice of what you're comfortable with and you think would be beneficial to you. From your posts I get the impression that you're experiencing a tough time (and have been for a long time) and I wish you the best of luck in overcoming the difficulties you face - but neither myself, nor anyone else here, has the right to the information of what it is unless you choose to give it to us. Being vulnerable can be empowering and there's a power in deciding who you share your stories/realities with & how - no one model is right for everyone.
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: smallbean on June 20, 2019, 09:10:02 pm
Hi Mango! :)

I've really enjoyed your journal entries so far and am also doing History Revs and Chemistry. I'm not sure if you've mentioned this thus far, but which two revolutions are you studying? It's definitely a challenging subject, but my teacher mentioned something that helped me to view this subject in a new light. If you can come to view the figures that you read about as not just names in a textbook, but real people that have made mistakes just like you and I, the subject becomes a little bit more enthralling.
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: mango8 on June 22, 2019, 09:38:19 pm
Thank you all so much for taking time to write to me. It makes me so happy to read your thoughts!

Hi Mango!
I love your journal!
What are your favourite books (other than the Mortal Instruments ;) )? Do you have any recommendations for someone who enjoys fantasy?
 ;D

Thanks so much! Other than the best series to exist, one of my favourite books of all time is The Night Circus. No words could describe the utterly beautiful writing in this book which takes you on a sublime, magical journey and you will never find a book like this. This book I will never forget or tire of reading over and over, and it takes you on a magnificent journey you will never forget. I heard about it from A Clockwork Reader. It is a book that is very hard to describe, but left me speechless. I never get a chance to read anymore, so I live vicariously through booktubers and their reading vlogs, wrap ups, TBRs (I have more books on my TBR than I have read this year). What are your other favourite books?

Hi Mango! :)

I've really enjoyed your journal entries so far and am also doing History Revs and Chemistry. I'm not sure if you've mentioned this thus far, but which two revolutions are you studying? It's definitely a challenging subject, but my teacher mentioned something that helped me to view this subject in a new light. If you can come to view the figures that you read about as not just names in a textbook, but real people that have made mistakes just like you and I, the subject becomes a little bit more enthralling.


Hello! Thank you! I am studying the French and Russian Revolutions. How about you? That is very true, sometimes I forget that because it feels like my teacher is just bombarding us with pages of content each lesson, and new dates and events and people I have to memorise, but not just know that in detail, but understand their significance, and I guess it has been so overwhelming and my passion was driven away by that, because learning for sacs and exams and a good study score and amazing atar can make you forget your love for something. But that was helpful. Thank you, I need to keep that in mind. What do you love about history? What are your other hobbies and passions? I am excited for your journal entries as well!! 

At the high school I went to people used to care a lot about what scores the high achievers were getting so its nice to hear that that's not the case at your school (for math at least anyway). Kudos for using the achievement of others as motivation rather than feeling threatened or bitter about it (as can too easily be the case for people sometimes) :)

As for how the questions are created (I feel like this was a rhetorical question but I'm going to answer it anyway) some teachers pull directly or tweak questions from VCAA and/or company papers.

Nice to hear about the progress you're making with realising to change up your study + receiving help from your chem teacher - hopefully it's mainly uphill from here :)

I would give you advice for tolerating lit but I left it as soon as I could (end of year 11) because I was frustrated with feeling like I wasn't learning anything so yeah... (I didn't have issues with my teacher but the class just wasn't working for me).


Finally, in response to sharing personal info with the AN community (from an earlier post) please never feel like you're obligated to do this. There are things I wouldn't have shared if I'd had a VCE journal that impacted my year 12; you've got to make the choice of what you're comfortable with and you think would be beneficial to you. From your posts I get the impression that you're experiencing a tough time (and have been for a long time) and I wish you the best of luck in overcoming the difficulties you face - but neither myself, nor anyone else here, has the right to the information of what it is unless you choose to give it to us. Being vulnerable can be empowering and there's a power in deciding who you share your stories/realities with & how - no one model is right for everyone.

Hello Bri! Thank you so much for replying on my journal. Truly. You are definitely someone who I was most inspired by coming on here, so this means a lot to me.

I definitely used to view other peopleís high scores as a threat, but as Iíve grown, Iíve kept in mind that I canít control other people, what they say, do or the results they get, I can only control my own actions and how I respond. And in the end feeling bitter and overcome with jealousy only impacts me, and impedes my abilities because I would become too focused on others.

I understand now doing textbook questions are not sufficient, and I need to do checkpoints and exam style questions to be prepared for sacs. I too hope things can go up from here. When you are at rock bottom there isnít any more down to go, there is only up.

I suppose for lit, I just need to dig deep and find my passion again, and realise it is possible to excel without an amazing teacher, and I canít let the teacher and class stop me. I wonít give up because reading and writing were always things I held dearly, and I canít let external sources defeat my dreams and plans.

Finally, I have always decided I would never share too much, at the end of the day this is a public forum and I would not talk about a lot of things that are really going on in my life. So far I have barely even scratched the surface of the extent of whatís going on, but Iíll keep it that way. Thank you for your empathy and understanding, I couldnít appreciate anything more from anyone on here. Hope youíre doing well and take care.


Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: smallbean on June 22, 2019, 11:31:33 pm
Hi Mango!
I'm doing the Russian and Chinese Revolutions. The revolutions that you are doing seem so interesting.

 I wish that Revs was a mix of all four so that I could get a taste of all of the different revolutions. The thing that I love about history is the fact that everything that happened in the past directly had an effect on the future that we have today. I also love how everything unravels like a story (because I'm also a bookworm haha) and that the historical figures are like characters in a book, except all the more real.

I can relate so much to school dimming the interests and passions that students have in subjects due to everything being judged and submitted towards a single number, the ATAR. If only we could just learn for our own enjoyment and not be forced to memorise chunks of content for the sake of writing it down for an exam and literally forgetting it all mere moments later.
I guess at the end of the day we've just gotta play the VCE game, no matter how hard it gets.

I'm so happy that you enjoyed reading 'The Night Circus', as it's one of the books on my TBR list for after I finish Year 12. I've read the blurb and it seems like a book that I will fall in love with.

Take care and I'm looking forward to following the rest of your journey  :) xx
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: mango8 on June 25, 2019, 08:59:36 pm
Tuesday 25th June - The one where there were two precious dogs

This title is slightly misleading, as the dogs were not from today. But from last week and yesterday. Also because itís silly to write Ďprecious dogsí since its a known fact every single dog is so damn precious. So why not we dive into the usual mundane, incredibly shitty stuff and end on a positively radiant note with the dogs? Sounds good to me.

chem
This was less about chem, but more about a fantastic conversation with someone I have spoken to on and off. It flowed so easily it was crazy, and I focused well throughout the lesson, and made a time with my teacher to go over the worksheet from last week and also my sac. I think it is extremely important to individually go over the sacs with your teacher. It really brings awareness to what you need to work on, and how to structure responses correctly.

lit
So after lit, I waited to talk to her about an extension for my sac. I have made a very interesting observation wherein she evidently has favourites. Remember last week how she sounded so irritated I wanted to take up her recess (*gasp*), well, before me, someone, a very intelligent someone in fact went to talk to her, and did she rush to go? Sound exasperated in the slightest, that not 5, 10 but 15 minutes of her precious time was being taken up? Cut her off with ďletís make a time that isnít nowĒ, and huff in annoyance when asked, if she was free now? I am sure you know all the answers to these rhetorical questions. And the absolute second I went to talk to her, she practically walked in my face, just so ready to go, and then I really did lose it when she said she Ďhadí to talk to those shit assholes, (but did not show it, for I have mastered the facade), like why the fuck do they get a say in something that doesnít even relate to them? It made me so fucking angry, because I hate them so much. Anyway, she never emailed me or said anything about it. Honestly, she is making it so hard for me to keep trying in lit.

revs
It was the sac. I felt so underprepared, but the thing that really gets me is that no practice sacs are given, yes none at all, and also that itís so vague  end up filling my paper with tiny handwriting and vivid colours of everything on the study design, and what happens time and time again, is all that effort is wasted when I only use a certain amount of my notes. Like last time, I wrote extensive notes on topics, and something else just popped up which I had no recollection or knowledge about, nor any notes on it. Also I was quite annoyed with my teacher who was just not specific (Iím finding they are always so vague), and I wasted days doing extensive research on leaders, thinking (according to the sac info sheet), it was to be printed and given to her, and I email her, and she says: ďYou only need a few points on your sheet per leaderĒ. She made it look like it was a Part A and B to the sac, when, there wasnít. But I tell myself itís still good to know about all the important leaders, but I was wasting time putting it all into my own words, and doing unnecessary research which could have been left till the holidays. Oh well. Whatís done is done. Initially I thought I was going well, and I ended up with less than 20 minutes for the last question, which was not ideal. I was cramming information and just trying to get it all done. As usual, I had no time at all to check. I probably failed. Last time I felt my score was far too generous for how badly I thought I had done. We shall see.

Then I spent the remainder of lunch working on Maths as usual.

maths
The teacher announces it will be self study, and inside, I was so annoyed. It is such an utter waste of my time to come to school only to be left to do my own thing in every class, when I could do that perfectly well at home instead. And not be in a shit environment with absolutely shit people. Regardless, I jammed in my headphones to block out the fools who donít shut up, and continued doing maths.

geo
And again, an inward groan, as for one of the first times, it is also self study. Anyway I did my best to, but I was exhausted by then. On that note, something that truly gets on my nerves is when so many people insensitively complain about feeling like that, since I can tell you firsthand, you donít know exhaustion until you have lived my life. A multitude of factors have combined that result in me feeling incredibly exhausted every single day, so no, itís not Ďtiredí as you know it.

And now for the doggies! So last week my teacher brought her baby dog and obviously, I could not focus on anything but what a little darling he was. Also, he did keep coming to me, and I was elated to keep petting that bundle of cuteness. And yesterday, as I got out of the car at tuition, I saw an absolutely gorgeous dog, and my heart leapt with pure joy, it was what looked like an Alaskan malamute x German Shepherd = An incredibly fluffy german shepherd, and he bounded on me, licking me, and as I walked into class,  felt like I was floating. It truly is remarkable, when I look back now, how much difference a dog can make to my day, my life. I honestly canít believe that such angels exist, because we donít deserve them, but they deserve everything.

Now Iím going to watch the Voice along with a chocolate coconut slice. See you all tomorrow.

ďYou were born with potential.
You were born with goodness and trust. You were born with ideals and dreams.
You were born with greatness.
You were born with wings.
You are not meant for crawling, so don't.
You have wings.
Learn to use them and fly.Ē
― Rumi
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: laura_ on June 25, 2019, 09:05:36 pm
It must suck feeling like you're not getting the support you need in lit. :-\ Hate it when teachers have favourites.  >:( Keep persevering! Also watching the Voice tonight. My favourite contestants were eliminated but I'm still watching and hoping Zeke will win.

Also, absolutely love the poem!
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: prag.ahmad on June 26, 2019, 02:38:21 am
Woah girl, I think you need to chill just a bit with constantly calling your peers and teachers Ďshit assholesí. Your classmates are all students just like yourself, trying their best in the very last year of school. Regarding favouritism ó teachers are generally more inclined to help a student if he/she shows the teacher respect and appreciation first.

Pls donít take this the wrong way, but youíve been posting a lot about difficult and unfair itís been for you, and youíve said how nobody sees your Ďrealityí and therefore isnít qualified to judge you ó yet you make a ton of toxic judgement on those around you which seems quite uncalled for, especially considering the hypocrisy as you donít know anything about other peopleís struggles either.

Just something to think about xx
Title: Re: The ephemerality of VCE
Post by: Snow Leopard on September 27, 2019, 08:07:33 pm
Hey mango8,
How's Yr 12 been going?