Can you have a look at my intro please? I wrote it on the spot but I've altered it a little so that you wouldn't be frightened of how much I've managed to butcher the art of writing essays!
Questions: "Discovery allows us to view the hidden experience as a common, human experience." (I really didn't know what to put)
The plethora of discoveries encountered when individuals endeavour to seek out the unfamiliarity that cannot be experienced in their comfort zones is an element shared by all of humanity. It is the curiosity present within all individuals which creates the desire to explore the unknown. The human experience is partly characterised by exposure to new environments and this process is propagated by a personal desire to connect with what is usually hidden. The unpredictable nature of discoveries can be emotionally and intellectually stimulating and it is this which prompts the emergence of new perceptions of the world in humans. These notions are explored in Darren Arofnovksy's film 'The Black Swan' (2010) and memoir 'Motorcycle Diaries' by Che Guevara. Both composers exhibit how discoveries connect all humans in the respect that they form part of an individual's emotional and intellectual development.
Hey again blackswan! Hopefully these comments are helpful
The plethora of discoveries encountered when individuals endeavour to seek out the unfamiliar
ity that cannot be experienced in their comfort zones this is sort of implied in what "unfamiliarity" means is an element
(experience?) shared by all of humanity
Nice thesis . It is the curiosity present within all individuals which creates the desire to explore the unknown. The human experience is partly characterised by exposure to new environments and this process is propagated by a personal desire to connect with what is usually hidden
I think you could join this sentence with the previous to avoid repeating yourself at the end (i.e. where you say "this process is propagated..." because you're attributing it to curiosity again). Or you could delete the sentence about curiosity, your choice. The unpredictable nature of discoveries can be emotionally and intellectually stimulating and it is this which prompts the emergence of new perceptions of the world in humans. These notions are explored in Darren Arofnovksy's film 'The Black Swan' (2010) and memoir 'Motorcycle Diaries' by Che Guevara
I think you could do more with the texts, rather than just stating that these ideas about discovery are presented in the texts, you should say how and compare the way in which this is done. Again, I think it's important to introduce your prescribed before your related so that you can connect ideas and show how they are developed by your related. Both composers exhibit how discoveries connect all humans in the respect that they form part of an individual's emotional and intellectual development.
Although commenting on the similarities is a good way of synthesising, you could make your intro more engaging by offering a perspective that isn't shared, as this will broaden your exploration of discovery.
Let me know if you have any more question