Here is my extension creative writing, based on the area of Romanticism! It's pretty shit so as much feedback as possible would be awesome! Thank you :D
Can I still post my creative here for feedback?? If not don't worry!
I got my mark back and I got 23/25, not exactly sure why (not much feedback >:() but I need to do it for trials pretty soon anyway!
I see no reason for this to not be 25/25. In saying this, I don't know your module very well so I can't comment on the requirements there. But the expression of the story, much alike to your expression in an essay, is wonderful. Everything is incredibly clear. You used the coffee-brown expression twice, if not three times. Consider if this is the most expressive way to convey a colour. Otherwise, I want to be incredibly picky and pull this apart so that you can put it back together but I just don't have enough to pick on. This was a wonderful story and I loved reading it, I was so engaged. Everything flowed so smoothly, the plot was set out wonderfully. You are a very skilled writer, do you know that?
Again, I'm sorry I can't help more. I really want to, but I don't know what to say! It's brilliant!
Haha thanks so much. I agree about the coffee-brown, I just wanted to create a really clear correlation between the girl & the bird and wasn't exactly sure what symbol to use!
Thanks again for your feedback ;D
Hi! Here is a Life Writing creative that I wrote, and I would love some feedback/marking!
This is the rubric:
In this elective, students explore and evaluate nonfiction texts composed in a range of media
that represent lives or aspects of lives. Texts such as biographies, autobiographies, memoirs and documentaries may record a life story and may at the same time examine the processes and conventions of representing that life or aspects of it. Many examples of life writing address the question of whether
or not the facts, events and experiences of an individual’s life can ever be comprehensively portrayed
in a single text: they explore the diverse ways in which a life can be represented, interpreted and
valued. Although texts within this genre may include fictional elements, they are characteristically nonfictional accounts.
Here is the criteria: (For an A range mark [13-15/15])
* Shows sophisticated ability to shape an original narrative that reflects knowledge and understanding of interpretation/values/progress in the elective
* Demonstrates a sophisticated understanding of the elective
* Displays sophisticated control of language
Response is attached
Thank you in advanced!!
Is it okay to post my creative here? I am desperate for help, as it only got an 18/25 in the area of science fiction. Is it only 5 posts required for creative feedback? My exam is on monday :(
HEY Elyse,
i was wondering, for extension english creative pieces, how sophisticated does the language need to be? Should i be trying to incorporate alot of imagery?
For example, one of my character's is a bit rowdy and "uneducated" so i dont see it fitting to use big words with him.
Also, there is alot of dialogue in my story, do you think thats an issue?
My module is Comedy btw, it presents certain challenges for sure. Although im sure every module does :D
Hey! I think that you've made the right choice about your rowdy character. So much of characterisation can come from dialogue. One example I always think of is how people tend to call character's parents "mothers" when that's more of a rarity than "mums." It's usually because we like to use our own formal language, even though it doesn't represent the character's communication. So definitely keep the language as you can imagine it coming from the mouth of your character!
As for dialogue.... the problem with a very dialogue-dense story is that it can be monotonous. Of course, if what is being expressed in the dialogue is the opposite of monotonous, you've already counteracted part of that problem. If you're breaking up the dialogue with actions, thoughts, and other physical forms of communication, there shouldn't be an issue. If you think the dialogue is limiting your creative expression (showing off your best stuff to the marker) then reconsider if dialogue is the best way of describing particular parts of the story. Essentially, don't stress that dialogue is too overpowering. Consider more, "is dialogue the best way to convey this section?" And, "As a reader, am I still engaged at this point?"
I see your point, ill have to take another look at it. Maybe ill post it when i build up enough "points" Thankyou for all the advice x
This is my second creative piece that took me ages to write, but I finally got out of writers block today and motored through it! So it is still technically ~in progress~ but if anyone has time to have a read, it'd be cool to get some opinions.
This is my second creative piece that took me ages to write, but I finally got out of writers block today and motored through it! So it is still technically ~in progress~ but if anyone has time to have a read, it'd be cool to get some opinions.
Where to from here for you? Have you adjusted this since I've looked at it or are you intending to keep it this way, and just prepare applying to a stimulus?
Again, you've done a stellar job here.
Hi!
I was just wondering if I should keep Extension 1 English right until up to the HSC next year. It is my 11th unit and my other subjects are Physics, Chemistry, Ext 2 Maths and English Advanced. I am considering dropping it after trials since I don't really like writing essays or creative writing... Like I ranked 2nd this year in Ext English (4th in Advanced), but in Phys and Maths Ext 1 I ranked 1st (and I would've have topped Chem if I hadn't f***** up one test damn it aha)...
What do you think?
Is it worth putting in another heap of effort (I had spent nearly the same amount of time for Ext English as I had for Adv, and it's worth half the units...) just for 1 safety unit that might not even count? Or should I keep it so half of my advanced mark is replaced by a hopefully higher extension mark?
In my opinion, if you don't love it, drop it.
Extension English is a big commitment, it takes a lot of time and a lot of effort, since its completely different from Advanced. And since you don't like writing essays and creative writing it doesn't make sense to put yourself through an extra 2 pieces of writing in the HSC.
At the end of the day you've done FANTASTIC in everything else in Prelim, (and you're doing Extension 2 Maths) so if you keep that up marks and scaling aren't going to be an issue for you at all. Some people like having a 'safety unit' but in the end it can be a waste of time.
Minimise your work load, enjoy what you're studying and you'll maximise your results ;D
Here is my creative piece for After the Bomb! This got me a 25/25 in trials, however I'd like to see what areas I could possibly improve on to make sure I can maintain this mark. My objective with this piece was to mirror the 'House Un-American Activities Committee' (HUAC) within the domestic sphere. Is this made obvious enough, or do I need to include further detail? Thanks :)
I know I've just given you so many convoluted ideas, so I am totally open to you posting back and ironing out anything I've said that doesn't make sense. You should be immensely proud of this, it is definitely worth the top mark - I'm just trying to iron out any doubts a marker could have so that you can maintain that level! :)Thank you so much!! Everything you've said has made complete sense – I honestly wasn't so definite about my creative since I wasn't sure about whether or not I'd be able to portray it correctly. I'll definitely go over it to refine everything you've said :D
Thank you so much!! Everything you've said has made complete sense – I honestly wasn't so definite about my creative since I wasn't sure about whether or not I'd be able to portray it correctly. I'll definitely go over it to refine everything you've said :D
Also, my initial intention with the chair was for it to be for questioning - however reading over it now I realise how the idea of liberation doesn't fit in with that idea either. I'd considered it to be an electric chair but I wasn't sure how I would portray it that way. For this portrayal, where I have "She was out, she would find her happiness elsewhere, soon enough." would I be able to replace it with something along the lines of this?
"She would find her happiness elsewhere, soon enough," is what I told myself in an attempt to paint my actions as righteous. I knew it wasn't true. She was gone - for good.
Hey Elyse!
Just wondering if i could get some feedback on my ext 1 creative piece whenever you can. My study this year was of Science fiction which personally I hate and can probably be reflected in my piece as I know it's not really the best. My teacher has told me that the plot is kind of cliche but I plan to use this piece for my HSC anyway (just because I could not bring myself to write another science fiction story) and was just wondering how well you thought it could do?
Hey! A lot of people feel this way about Science Fiction :( I didn't study it, thankfully, but I did dystopian texts for Ext 1 in Year 11 so I have some ideas about the topic :)SpoilerSynopsis: In a totalitarian society set 100 years in the future where cold hard logic is the only accepted expression of personality, a brother and sister grow up with a passion for creativity which becomes a secret that they must keep between themselves or be executed and used as an example for the rest of society. When political strife arises the two set out to hack into the government's system and globally share musical performance videos which becomes a means of uniting a torn and dystopian society which has long since forgotten the importance of personal expression.
A fine line between right and wrong
“Father you cannot be teaching her this, if anyone was to find out we would all suffer! What you are doing is completely dangerous and I will not have my daughter involved!”
“If you remember correctly, you loved performing. You used to play for your mother and I after supper every evening.”
“Times have changed.We are no longer living in a free will society,I think this is too much telling and not enough showing :) this isn’t the 21st century anymore and it certainly isn’t the same government as when I was growing up. She is my daughter and what I say goes, you need to respect my wishes. No more music, understand?”
There was a brief silence to what I assumed meant an untold agreement, my heart dropped and I felt tears welling up in my eyes. A moment passed and then I heard shuffling coming from the other side of the door, i quickly ran upstairs and hurried down the hall towards my room, closing the door softly behind me, hoping I hadn’t been caught eavesdropping.
“- he is so cool and I’m so jealous he has the latest holographic 360 watch! I’ve been asking my parent for months to get it for me-“ A holographic 360 watch seems like something in 20 years time for me, not 100 years. If you're trying to replicate the entering of a conversation, perhaps use an ellipsis rather than a hyphen at the start?
“Kayla are you okay?”
When my group of my friends noticed that I had stopped, they joined me and followed the direction of my eyes. The remarkable lines and intense detail in the image painted on the white brick wall of the school's entrance captivated everyone. None of us in our lifetimes had ever seen such colours and such beauty, in fact none of us had ever seen a piece of art before, not even in the history books. I remember my grandfather telling me about it, I believe they called it graffiti artand it was apparently very big in the 21st Century.Again, telling instead of showing :) You've showed in the start of the sentence, so it's suitable to drop this bit :)As my eyes continued to wonder over the image, taking in as much detail as I could, the bell rang shattering our moment of wonder Two uses of "wonder" in a sentence - consider adjusting.and in a daze we were swept by the tide of students into the school grounds, my friend Laura guiding me as I stumbled along continuing to stare.
xxx
“You sound really good.”
My head whipped up and my heart began to beat rapidly, my eyes widened and my brain began to swirl with a million thoughts as I attempted to come up with an explanation.
“I’m not going to tell anyone.”
The breath I hadn’t known I had been holding was released as I took in that small sentence. I didn’t speak – I didn’t know what to say – what could I say? I had just been caught in a crime, something so remarkably illegal that death was the penalty. How are you supposed to respond?
He lifted his finger and swept out of the room the bottom of his coat flying behind him, my eyebrows creased as I continued to sit in silence, utterly confused and slightly afraid. He returned a moment later holding his computer, software manufacturer and what looked like our grandfathers old sketching pad. He silently set the pad in front of me, I placed the acoustic guitar next to me and lifted the pad, opening the pages and flipping through. The further I went the further a sense of familiarity washed over me, I stopped on the last page and gasped. I looked up at my brother, eyes wide and mouth open.
“I have my own secrets to keep.”
“The image on the wall, that was you.” He nodded, a small, nervous smile on his face. “What you do is amazing, I’d give anything to be able share my music with the world”
“Maybe you can…”
He grabbed my arm and pulled me along beside him, I had no idea where he was taking me. He lead me down the hall and into the basement. He released the hold he had on my hand and began to move things around the room like a tornado sweeping through. I stood in the centre spinning in circles watching his every move, still completely confused. The darkness from the lack of windows and the cobwebs and layer of dust that covers every inch of the room made for an eerie atmosphere. He placed a chair in the centre and ran back upstairs leaving me to stare behind. He returned with my guitar and pushed me down on the chair, placing the guitar in my lap.
“Play something.”
“What?”
“You’ll see.”
I didn’t hesitate, it was like my body had a mind of its own, the music flowed naturally filling the empty silence of the room and in that moment nothing mattered. Getting caught didn’t cross my mind, in that single space of time, it was just me and my guitar. When the song faded out, the silence returned, I looked back over to my brother who was wildly smiling.
“Be prepared to silence the world.” Love this!!!!
xxx
As I made my way to school the following week, it felt like any other ordinary day. I met up with Laura and the rest of the group and we stopped off at our usual coffee house before making a beeline to the school gates. The idle chatter between us seized as we noticed a commotion up ahead. The front of the school’s entrance was packed with people. We ran the rest of the way to school and stopped just short of the back of the group and that was when I allowed my other senses to work. Everything was quiet for a split second before I began to hear my voice but it wasn’t me. And it hit, that was what Johnny had meant by silencing the world. He had recorded me and used his computer engineering skills to send the video viral. A sense of elation spread through every cell of my being, he had made the impossible happen and my one desire come true. Ultimately he had today the best day of my life and I couldn’t ask for more. Suddenly my phone began to ring, I parted from the crowd and quickly answered my parents call but I really wished I hadn’t.
“Kayla, you need to come home right now! It's your brother. He's been taken!”
I really like this story, I got chills at the end. I didn't predict the brother, I predicted she was going to be in trouble. So I enjoyed the twist! I think there are a few incidents of you explicitly telling what was happening when I could have worked it out anyway (I pointed them out) - so just remember, there is a balance you have to find here with a scifi story. I think to elevate your work, you should add in some jargon. Something that's true to your own world that you've created. I think you might find that making up some simple terminology (something for big brother, maybe something for intelligencia, something like that) will elevate your story into a new time!!
You should be proud of this! I didn't think it was cliche :)
Makes complete sense, good thing extension isn't for another 2 weeks hahaha plenty of time to fix this up. Thank you so much!!
Not a worry! If you want to run with the jargon idea, feel free to run it past me if you want opinions on what is too far fetched and what makes a good word, etc. :)
Hi!!Heya! My thoughts are in bold font throughout, and then some comments at the end :)
This is my creative writing piece for the Romanticism elective. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!!
Thank you :) :)
Thank you so much for taking the time to read it and let me know your thoughts! I did a lot of research and spent a lot of time developing the character's voice so I'm really glad it's payed off and you were able to follow along the way you did (especially because you did ATB!) I love that you were able to feel as strongly as I do about this story. I'll definitely take on your advice and incorporate a romantic scholar, I had been trying to think of all different things to add in but couldn't think of anything. I think that'd work really well and is such a great idea, thank you! :) xx
Hi!!
This is my creative writing piece for the Romanticism elective. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated!!
Thank you :) :)
I love it B! (Not stalking you I swear ;D) X
hello! :) I was wondering if someone could please have a looked at my creative and give me some feedback? I do Module C- Elective 2 Language and Gender. I can see that my story is nowhere near the standard it should be for extension :( But with the exam tomorrow, I realise that it's too late to worry bout it so I was wondering if you could give me some pointers on how to fix this up and push it into a B range or so? THankyou so much! :)
How long would it typically take for the creative to get marked?
Hi, I was reading the HSC EE1 Creative question for ATB and I was thinking wth. How on earth would you use a person from your prescribed text as a character if you pre-prepared a creative without someone from a prescribed text. I'm assuming that was like 99.999% of the candidature, what could anyone have done? Just write an entirely new creative on the spot?
how many creatives do you recommend having prepared? I have 2 but at the moment one is way better than the other and its the one that I wrote for half yearlies.
What are your thoughts?
Hey there!
Hey! I'm genuinely really sorry, I've never left a post unmarked for this long before, I didn't even see it I swear! It's only now a new creative has been posted that I've seen it. Would you still like this marked? Have you got an updated version? Apologies times a thousand, I really am so sorry!
Hi Elyse!
This is my creative for Ways of thinking- After the Bomb.
I'm not sure if what I've written makes sense or if there are too many time shifts/ flashbacks.
Or, if my ending should be made clearer.
Also, do you see this as a character or a plot based text?
AND (sorry for so many questions) is the bit about the pamphlet confusing? Should I introduce it earlier?
I'm freaking out because I feel like the writing is a bit confusing or I've attempted to portray a conceptually difficult idea haha
Thank you so much !
Best regards,
bananna
Hey there :)
Don't worry! I forgot about it too if i'm being honest haha :') I may publish the final version if that's ok with you? I'm sort of experimenting with my narrative voice at the moment and recognise the piece shows barely anything and has very little plot development. I've posted the prompt in addition and would really love to hear some ways I could improve - it was inspired by last years question and I wasn't sure of how to include a character without rewriting a scene from the novel (not exactly, of course). I was wondering if you could tell me whether the guilt comes through and what elements of the story could be enhanced to support this exploration. Like I said, this omniscient third person work is merely a trial and hopefully something I can master so that I don't have to rely on memorising a creative piece for the HSC. It's not anything particularly amazing, just the beginning on some work in style, content and length.
Any feedback would be super appreciated.
Thanks again Elyse, and don't worry - it's been busy for all of us! :D
On this note, can you identify the ways of thinking that you've either thoroughly explored or only just touched upon? I'd be interested to know if we think the same ways of thinking are being addressed.
Overall, an amazing piece that's almost where it needs to be for the top band. You should be very proud of this project!
Hey Elyse!
Now I should be the one apologising, I didn't even realise you had sent me a reply - thank you so much for your encouraging words :)
Thank you so much :D
hey guys! I would absolutely love if I could get some feedback on my creative for sci-fi, it got 23/25 for the half yearlies but atm i'm really unhappy with it just because it feels really overdramatic in some places but I can't figure out how to fix it! Thanks so much in advance for taking the time to read it xx
Hey Elyse, I got teacher feedback recently, his main concerns with a) the part by the slave was unrealistic as he's not that well educated (i 100% agree with that but was trying to get another perspective in my story and also i actually based it off a slave narrative from the romantic period but that slave did go back to england first and received an education) so firstly, any feedback/advice there would be great. b) he wanted sign offs on each of the letters which i agree with in part but i like the way they end and finally c) he said i need a clearer ending but like with my discovery i like the subtlety of it, but i won't ruin it for you ;)
Heya! The feedback is in the spoiler but also at the end. I've read your teachers feedback and I'll keep that in mind :) I love that you haven't spoiled it for me! haha. (Also...I didn't study romanticism. So there might be some contextual things I miss, I'm sorry! but I'll be able to help with grammar, structure, development, engagement...etc :))SpoilerFirst Mate James Kelsall’s Journal (1807)
On a setting sun, bequeathed a freedom few men had ever beheld. A rekindling of elevated thoughts soothed by subdued whispers of the ocean, and in such tranquil restoration laid a peace from deep within. A moment of relief from the undeniable guilt which I cannot escape, even in kipping. The rattling of chains and fateful moans of the four hundred and forty-two souls aboard brings upon an abhorrent disgust. A case of the ‘blue devils’ I'm wondering if a person writing this would use the "" around the blue devils, or if they'd just write it, seeing as it's not particular jargon to them and is common language?
(I'm assuming this - I don't know for certain about the regular use of this term, I'm just assuming it's contextual :)) I can no longer deny. Beyond the horizon looms a rolling sea of grey and my dear Liverpool is now a monstrous town whose pitiful theft of its own humanity is of grave concern. I cannot truly console myself when men such as Sir Richard Arkwright are still revered as creative geniuses. For in his opening of Shudehill Mill in Manchester came the subsequent sacrifice of the free will of mankind. Yet, I do have hope, for past the thick plumes of smoke there must be a sea of marigold, a voice to be heard. Rousseau’s words echo a boundless source of promise that we can break the shackles of poverty and rise above injustice, for I too prefer liberty with danger than such peace with slavery. This is all very clear - despite the fact that I don't engage with texts following Romanticism conventions, like,
ever, I'm following this really well and even when I don't 100% understand something (purely from my background), I can still imagine what it means, the setting is just enough to transport me there.
James Kelsall’s Journal
Captain Luke Collingwood, of steady age and character, Love this description. rarely had second thoughts about any given matter. Any discrepancies were scarcely made public, and, if so, Mr. Collingwood prided himself in simple facts and realities which disproved what few ideas opposed the constancy of his opinions.
“British-built ships typically carry 1.75 Black Ivory per ton of the ship's capacity…” he would recount with absolute precision, “on the Aurore, our ratio is 4.0 per ton.”
Sir Collingwood worshipped his creator and, for his own amusement, found occupation for an idle hour by compelling the poor wretches to sing psalms – which often entailed melancholy lamentations of their exile from their native country. When weather permitted, they would be obliged to dance, which, if they go about reluctantly, was punishable by whipping.
James Kelsall’s Journal
My beloved Lucy, it has occurred to me that the pathway from slavery to freedom is founded in the gift of education, which is something I have taken for granted for much of my life. Such lofty ambitions, however, are not without danger, for I feared that if I disobeyed Sir Collingwood’s orders, I may too come to the same fate as these forlorn foreigners we transport. Only once the below decks were obscured by darkness, did I begin teaching them the basics of a good Christian education. I scarcely had much time to do so however as the rest of the crew would often rise suspicious as to my location. Surprising as it may seem, I found myself somewhat indebted to the slaves. They were noble souls; who not only possessed loving hearts, but contained brave ones. Although secured together by iron legs, they were more strongly interlinked by the mutual hardships that they were subjected to in their condition as slaves. Soon they grew in wisdom as the sea of marigold appeared ever closer.
James Kelsall’s Journal At this stage, I'm thinking that the only thing that I would gain from them signing off the journals, is perhaps a little bit of context through language, but maybe I'd also have an idea about how much time elapsed between each. So maybe, "Much time has passed since I last entered these pages, I hope next time we meet it will be much sooner." I mean, I agree with you in that I like it even without signing off. But, if you chose to sign off, that would be the benefit.
My dearest Lucy, perhaps Rousseau was quite correct in saying that “man is born free, but is everywhere in chains” for it brings me no deal of pleasure to open to you such events as what unfolded only a few nights ago:
The messengers which had gathered since dawn slowly sank to smother the winter sun. The storm, as it always does, appeared in various parts of the heavens and echoed across the Pacific Ocean, the most violent storm hung just north of Cape Verde whilst the Azores were enlightened by a series of faint flashes, playing on the peaks of Mount Pico in the most beautiful figures. I could not logically explain the sensation, as, although it was approaching ever so quickly, I had no urge to retreat. Yet, even as the messengers hung ominously in the distance, the lashing winds slowly soothed into a soft melody similar to that of Vivaldi’s Four Seasons. Such splendour of nature, however, were disturbed by piercing screams from the hold. What horrors that I beheld with my very eyes! The slaves were growing restless, fifty or sixty… fastened to one chain, I thought I must have been off my onion! Unfortunately, such was not the case. Frail, scurvy-infected bodies limped over one another as if a bunch of Lushingtons. Futile cries rang out from the front deck, distorted by undulating waves as human limbs were soon swallowed whole under a deep swell of sickly indigo, as Mr Collingwood, once a man of great respectability, simply watched. The few that remained sprang disdainfully from Mr Collingwood’s grasps and leaped into the ocean, triumphantly embracing death rather than tyrannical subjugation.
James Kelsall’s Journal
The wind descended in the south now as restless waves ascended to magnificent heights while the tempest raged within the heavens. Mr. Collingwood has disposed of even more of the hapless souls below and now only few remain. Even the echoing tempest cannot divert my mind from the awful truth of this cursed voyage, for it too seems to scorn down upon us. Perhaps it is only in the most natural of states that we can truly experience contentment? I only hope that these poor souls view their tragic end with similar sentiments.
James Kelsall’s Journal
Dearest Lucy! How I will covet the day when this grave sin against humanity is at last eradicated! The news of the passing of the Abolition of the Slave Trade Act in March gave me new life and spirits; a hope felt even by the poor few slaves who still remained. Alas, months have passed and still their cries for liberty remain ignored. I share with you a letter I found from Quaco, one of my more learned students:
I cannot help but feel as if learning had been a curse rather than a blessing. Freedom has now consumed my greatest desires, breathing in every wind and echoing in every storm, calling us to come and share in its hospitality. Yet, it also tormented me with a sense of my wretched condition. Is it not enough that I have been torn from my own country to toil for the luxury and lust of another man’s gain? The restless waves frighten me no more; rather they seem to understand. In them, I may finally find the peace I have been longing for.
At this point, I imagine, Quaco was swept away by the waves and lost in darkness and distance.
James Kelsall’s Journal
I can hear it coming. Its roar echoes across the ocean floor to the peaks of Blue Hills, a signal that nature is decreeing its retribution, the Aurore will not reach the ports of Liverpool. It is not long before we shall plummet into the vast, empty abyss, reunited in death with the two hundred and forty eight already below. From a dense blanket of grey shines a light so glorious words cannot encompass, opening the depths of the heavens to my very soul. Yet, the light is now engulfed by the wrath of the raging forces above. Man is a sinful creature, but redemption awaits him if he repents his wrongdoings. How sad to think that nature speaks and mankind does not listen.
I love the ending of this...the last two entries, to me, were the most powerful. I thought the story was engaging but also not too difficult to follow, and the language fit the scene. I think your second last entry deals with the question of how the slave is so well spoken, so I think it makes sense and I'm not too critical of that aspect, although maybe there could be some reference to the slave in school, even if its a comparison between the hostility of the ocean and the hostility he once felt... Something like this might just fill the question in the markers head, but I'd negotiate this with your teacher to see how this fits in contextually. I happen to disagree about the ending feedback your teacher gave - I don't know what about it needs to be clearer? There are lots of ways to interpret the ending, but I have no troubles with this. It's nice to be able to see it as a narrative for slaves, for colonialism, for human kind in general...and the imagery is just so nice in that ending bit. So I suppose my only area of concern is about the education level of the slave, because you won't be prefacing your exam with "he went to England for an education" you'd need more than that, carefully embedded in the story. Do you see how a marker would find your story to be fallible by that little section?
Hopefully this second pair of eyes helps! Again, another great story from you :)
Thanks Elyse :) Yeah I might have to add in something ie. some slaves were chosen to be integrated into English society and thus received an education so maybe I'll add something contextually then because I do really feel like the perspective of a slave needs to be there and I don't want to write uneducatedly because i dont think it will add much sophistication even if contextually correct. and I also like the idea of giving an idea of how much time passes :) Yeah I really like the ending but might just have to for now make a bit more clear since my teacher is marking it but I'll still try to keep the subtlety - he said that the markers in the hsc might not be smart enough to realise what it means which i think is a lame excuse to change it and i dont believe him either. but anyway thanks for your help! :) oh and also yeah the blue devils was a word of the time that was used to describe feeling melancholy, i did originally have it in 'blue devils' but my teacher crossed them out haha
Hi Steph - I'm incredibly sorry this took too long. I completely missed this in the rush we had and Jamon pointed it out to me before. So I'm really sorry! I hope this is still handy for you :) In saying this, I didn't study sci-fi so there may be particular conventions you need to adhere to that I'm not 100% up with, but nonetheless I'll look for grammar, structure, engagement, development, etc... :)Spoiler“There is no human life more sacred than another, just as there exists no human life qualitatively more meaningful than another.” – Pope Francis.
Love this quote, but also love the love the way it's planted at the beginning before the story begins.
* * *
Artificial moonlight trickled through the gap in the beige curtains, casting mottled shadows over the bleached marble floor. The man woke as pain assaulted his chest, a hoarse groan of agony slipping from his throat. He struggled into a sitting position, eyes watering as the ache intensified with each gasp of air he took in attempt to placate it. Shaking fingers found the red button on the side of his cot, desperation forcing his fingers to clench as pain laced through his abdomen.
The light over his head glared crimson, the siren interrupting the silence of the ward. Immediately, the wall beside his bed folded outwards, an indistinct figure speeding towards him, a blur of silver and white. The bitter scent of chemicals was overwhelming, agonising, and pinpoints of black began to obscure his vision, and his screams drowned out the blaring siren and he didn’t know what was real anymore except for the pain, the darkness that blanketed him, the shadows that crept in from the corners of his vision, suffocating him.
And then suddenly, it was as if he was floating.
The man blinked, forcing his vision to come back into focus, barely noting the lifelines now stapled to his chest, a white tube pumping liquid that disappeared into smooth skin. A nurse hovered over him, its just not sure about its - unless there's a reason that gender cannot be assigned to certain characters in this story. In which case, I'll find out shortly blonde hair spilling over thin, metal shoulders as its unblinking cerulean eyes scanned the length of his body. He was numb, and the shadows were almost too bright as he gazed, disorientated, around his room, flinching from the icy fingers that ran over his forehead.
The curve of each nurses’ body was designed to calm the men, but they never could manage to get the body temperature right. But it was a price he was willing to pay – the Domestic Services Act of 2034 had retired human women from high-stress occupations, to spare them from the potential of emotionally-provoked errors.
The nurse made no noise as it grabbed a clipboard from the desk, scrawling indecipherably along thin black lines. “The sedatives won’t last much longer, Mr Archibald. This is it,” it informed him, and the voice was clipped, indifferent, dispassionate. The man swallowed, as a hollowness settled deep within his chest. “Your body is effectively eating itself.” It's not dialogue, but I think this would resonate more if it were put on its own line, the quotation.
The man’s vision began to blur, and he blinked furiously to fend away the shadows lurking at the edges of his gaze. His mind flooded with images, a photo album of the previous thirty years, of a family, of a dishevelled two-year-old boy waiting stubbornly by the window for him, of the desperation settled deep within his wife’s blue gaze as she kissed his knuckles.
He took in a trembling breath, eyes flicking desperately around the ward, yearning for the warmth of human comfort, but the sterile walls ignored him as he felt the images, the life slip from his grasp.
“Of course, you are eligible for a Life Extension,” the nurse continued, “The serum has a ninety-eight per cent success rate – exposing the body cells to cryogenic environments decelerates the aging process and destroys tumours, and has the potential to double the average human life expectancy. The population surplus is dealt with accordingly and immediately, and for a small price, it’s as though your body never malfunctioned.” It listed the benefits methodically, monotonous, voice a drone against the unnatural silence of the ward. This last sentence doesn't make sense. "It listed the benefits methodically and monotonously, the voice was a drone again the unnatural silence of the ward." Perhaps this works better? He thought again of his family, of tears he would be unable to catch, of dreams never realised. What was the value of his life, his family, his family’s future, to the value of a man he’d never met? But still his heart clenched painfully. The shadows continued to writhe, waiting in his peripheral vision.
“Surplus? Someone… killed…” But his eyes were drifting shut, voice slurring as his head sagged back to the pillow. The nurse finished printing details, placing the clipboard in front of him. The letters swam before his eyes, “ExtendiLife™ - Your life is too valuable to lose!” An excellent contrast to the quote at the beginning! Love this! His hands began to shake, and the ache began to blossom in his chest once more, an agony that ran deeper than his illness.
“Retired, yes,” the nurse corrected, “But someone less significant than you, Mr Archibald – someone from the colonies. Two things here - I'm wondering if it should be capitalised, and also wondering if it isn't wise to use the same name as Atwood does in the Handmaid's Tale. Get your teacher's opinion on this - I don't know if it borders into being unoriginal or it works as creative textual integration. As useful to our society as an ant is,” the nurse assured, pressing the pen into the man’s limp fingers, guiding his hands to the signature line, and it was all too much. And as the pressure built within his chest again, and the shadows reached greedily across his vision, the last thing he saw was the cold, silver hand signing his name.
* * *
The sky outside was an angry kaleidoscope of charcoals and greys as large droplets pelted relentlessly against the window, the smog suffocating the city, pressing up against the glass. A skeleton of skyscrapers loomed over the small house, the plethora of wires entangling them within the rubble that littered the ground. Hundreds of people scurried over the dusty hillside, as frightened insects in a foreign nest. The woman turned away.
“Mama, I did it!”
The child beamed up at her, a toothless grin that made his wide hazel eyes sparkle as he held the dusty, coloured cube triumphantly in his hand. The old wheelchair whined to a halt as he stopped in front of the woman, panting, exhilarated, pressing the puzzle into her palm, and his smile was infectious. She knelt, sweeping the auburn hair from the side of his face tenderly.
“Jimmy said you gotta be really, really smart to make the sides the same colours and I did!” he repeated, voice a squeal, a giggle bursting from his lips that lit the shadowy grey world beyond the window. “I’m gonna be a space man, Mama, because you gotta be smart to be a space man! Mr Abacus at school said I couldn’t because I can’t walk, but I read a book that said in space you fly so I wouldn’t even need my chair!”
And as the boy chattered on her thoughts turned to the cities that floated, invisible, miles above the industrial smog, where the stars were painted in the sky, where the space man was the man in the tie who sat on his throne and watched the ants scurry below. But she smiled, again, at the innocence of dreams which threatened to break the cover of clouds and nodded sincerely. “You can be whatever you want to be, Toby,” she affirmed, a lie, and the grin that split his face overshadowed the twisting anguish in her gut.
((I'm trying to include something here bc next para is too sudden imo))
The ancient telecommunications machine behind her whirred to life, spluttering as it spat out the clean, white paper. A government seal branded the top right corner, long cursive letters decorating the pristine page. Her stomach dropped as the bitter scent of chemicals wafted from the document, blood turning to ice at the boy’s excited cry of recognition of his own name penned in the scathing black ink.
“We regret to inform you that the individual TOBIUS BROWN is to be retired at noon tomorrow as a result of the population surplus. Sorry for the inconvenience.
Kind regards,
Archibald Enterprises.”
And suddenly the walls of the small home were suffocating, the dust that rose from the wooden floorboards choking her throat as the boy watched on, brows furrowed in an innocent frown of confusion. Her knees buckled, the toy cube thudding to the floor, the manuscript trembling in her hand as her mind flashed forward, to the tears she would never be able to catch, to dreams never realised. How could the value of one man’s life overshadow the dreams, the future of a family?
And miles above them, the space man raised his foot above the ants, and stepped down.
What I love about this piece:
-The way the initial quote comes from an authority like the Pope, because it's powerful yet also comes from an authority that's been criticised for hypocrisy before. Then, the way it's referenced and explored implicitly and explicitly throughout is just wonderful!
-The comparison between the two narratives is clever enough that I'm never thinking, wait, what happened to that first guy?
-It definitely explores speculative fiction in all the right ways.
What I want to suggest for improvements:
-I struggled to understand the nurse. Was it a woman dressed as a man? Why did she or he have silver hands? And from what I noticed, the nurse was only referenced as an "it" twice, meaning that I wasn't ready to commit to the fact that this was a genderless being instead of a potential typo.
-The legislation that is put in earlier, it also confused me a bit. I definitely like the implementation of the legislation, but it didn't answer questions for me, nor prompt them, but just kind of confused me. When it came to looking closely at the nurse figure, I was unsure of what to make of the nurse in general. So the act kind of just made it a little bit more muddy for me.
The second half of the story was very clear to me, although you said you felt like it jumped too far in that one bit where you want to add something else, I didn't particularly read it that way. I do wonder that when she receives the note about the termination, should it perhaps use some kind of hypocritical statement in there that's a little ironic? The inconvenience thing threw me a bit - because although it works in its own calculated and callous way, I wonder if something like, "We trust that you understand the needs of the nation." Or something like this...I wonder if this prompts more questions about the national needs about the individual needs, which in itself is another link to the original quote.
I hope this gives you another valuable perspective!
Thank you so so much! I absolutely get that you guys are getting hammered at the moment, so it's all good haha (: Definitely in time though, my extension trial isn't until next week so its fine!
I totally get what you mean in terms of the legislation/nurse (it was supposed to be a robot, kind of to show the way that technology has the potential to subjugate humans etc etc), it was a bit of a last ditch attempt to add in a more technologically-based sci-fi convention because I was told that it was very soft science-fiction, but I'll definitely work on clarifying that or figuring something else out around that!
Also I totally did not even realise that I'd ripped off Atwood, but I'll probably change that as well!
Thank you so so much for your feedback, it was really helpful!! xx
Thank you so so much! I absolutely get that you guys are getting hammered at the moment, so it's all good haha (: Definitely in time though, my extension trial isn't until next week so its fine!
I totally get what you mean in terms of the legislation/nurse (it was supposed to be a robot, kind of to show the way that technology has the potential to subjugate humans etc etc), it was a bit of a last ditch attempt to add in a more technologically-based sci-fi convention because I was told that it was very soft science-fiction, but I'll definitely work on clarifying that or figuring something else out around that!
Also I totally did not even realise that I'd ripped off Atwood, but I'll probably change that as well!
Thank you so so much for your feedback, it was really helpful!! xx
I don't do your unit of work but wow I really enjoyed that story :D
The creative writing I am planning to use for trials fits into a whole lot of themes, but if it asked for a specific location I would be screwed!! Any predictions for what this year's ATB creative question could be? And should I be preparing a more general story
I have the exact same issue as my Romantic story is set on a boat and the plot depends on that setting (the boat is destroyed by the storm at the end as a symbol of nature's retribution against man's greed) so I am just going to try think of another way of doing my story just in case! Here's to hoping the stimulus is anything BUT a setting for both of us ahah :)
Do we have to implicitly mention paradigms in our creative or can they be explicit?