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HSC Stuff => HSC Marking and Feedback => HSC Subjects + Help => Marking Thread Archives => Topic started by: jamonwindeyer on February 19, 2016, 08:58:48 pm

Title: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 19, 2016, 08:58:48 pm
If you'd like your essay marked, you won't be able to post it until you make an ATAR Notes account here. Once you've done that, a little 'reply' button will come up when you're viewing threads, and you'll be able to copy and paste your essay and post it up here for us to mark!

Hey everyone!! Welcome to the SOR Marking Thread. This thread is here for you to get feedback on your essays from a Band 6 student. This resource exists to help you guys make huge improvements on your essay writing... Too often, teachers just write "good" or "needs explaining" or "expand". SUPER. FRUSTRATING. This is a place to properly improve :) :) :)

Before posting, please read the essay marking rules/rationale here.

Post away, and happy studies!!  ;D ;D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: bmyeung on February 20, 2016, 12:50:15 am
Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I just need more things to keep me busy but I'm in year 12 doing the hsc...I did 2U SOR accelerated last year and progressed immensely from 75% in first assessment to a band 6 (94 I think?) in the HSC.

Any chance I can be involved in essay marking? Will offer my extensive and somewhat irrelevant-to-life knowledge to people at school otherwise. At that point where hindsight says 'I had a good year - so I may as well use the random facts hammered into my brain to help others'.

That's all from me, good luck everyone - HSC and elsewhere - WE'RE ALL GONNA SMASH IT, LET'S DO THIS LEGENDS
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: brenden on February 20, 2016, 09:14:34 am
Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I just need more things to keep me busy but I'm in year 12 doing the hsc...I did 2U SOR accelerated last year and progressed immensely from 75% in first assessment to a band 6 (94 I think?) in the HSC.

Any chance I can be involved in essay marking? Will offer my extensive and somewhat irrelevant-to-life knowledge to people at school otherwise. At that point where hindsight says 'I had a good year - so I may as well use the random facts hammered into my brain to help others'.

That's all from me, good luck everyone - HSC and elsewhere - WE'RE ALL GONNA SMASH IT, LET'S DO THIS LEGENDS
Would legitimately love for you to be involved in essay marking- love your attitude! Congratulations on the fantastic mark :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 20, 2016, 10:03:12 am
Maybe I'm crazy, maybe I just need more things to keep me busy but I'm in year 12 doing the hsc...I did 2U SOR accelerated last year and progressed immensely from 75% in first assessment to a band 6 (94 I think?) in the HSC.

Any chance I can be involved in essay marking? Will offer my extensive and somewhat irrelevant-to-life knowledge to people at school otherwise. At that point where hindsight says 'I had a good year - so I may as well use the random facts hammered into my brain to help others'.

That's all from me, good luck everyone - HSC and elsewhere - WE'RE ALL GONNA SMASH IT, LET'S DO THIS LEGENDS

Absolutely would love you to be involved! Would love the experience of a 2U SOR student, what were your options?
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: heids on February 20, 2016, 11:26:02 pm
Maybe I'm crazy

Yup.  You'll fit right in on ATAR Notes.

;)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: rjkim on February 22, 2016, 09:50:11 am
Hi! Thanks so much for doing this! You guys are all legends... I'm not really sure how to "post on thread" so just really hoping that this works! My attachment is my essay on Christianity (Hildegard, Baptism and Enviro ethics).
Could I have help in my introduction, conclusion, and how to shorten down on content? I'm a little concerned as I'm not doing to well in SOR and need to bump up my average... haha thanks heaps!  :)

Rach
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: brenden on February 22, 2016, 09:57:55 am
Hi! Thanks so much for doing this! You guys are all legends... I'm not really sure how to "post on thread" so just really hoping that this works! My attachment is my essay on Christianity (Hildegard, Baptism and Enviro ethics).
Could I have help in my introduction, conclusion, and how to shorten down on content? I'm a little concerned as I'm not doing to well in SOR and need to bump up my average... haha thanks heaps!  :)

Rach
Just confirming that it worked :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 22, 2016, 01:37:47 pm
Hi! Thanks so much for doing this! You guys are all legends... I'm not really sure how to "post on thread" so just really hoping that this works! My attachment is my essay on Christianity (Hildegard, Baptism and Enviro ethics).
Could I have help in my introduction, conclusion, and how to shorten down on content? I'm a little concerned as I'm not doing to well in SOR and need to bump up my average... haha thanks heaps!  :)

Rach

Hey Rach! Thanks for posting, I've attached your essay below with a few comments throughout. As requested, I focused on the Intro/Conclusion  ;D

Spoiler
Discuss the relationship between at least two of the aspects and the way they contribute to Christianity as a living religious tradition.

There are many aspects of Christian life that significantly contribute to Christianity as a living religious tradition. What is a living religious tradition? This should be defined first. Aspects include significant people such as Hildegard von Bingen, environmental ethics and significant practices such as Baptism. I would identify that 'environmental ethics' is an ethical teaching, just to link it to that part of the syllabus like you have done the other two aspects. These aspects all prompt an adherent to follow the Lord’s word as well as combining the ideals and essence of Christian life, which is living in the Kingdom of God, thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition. A good sentence which links living tradition with the aspects of Christianity. However, it doesn't read objectively. What I mean by this is, it reads as though it is written by a Catholic. Now you attend a Catholic school, as did I, and lots of people at Catholic schools have trouble with this. When writing an essay on Christianity, you absolutely must write your essay completely objectively. I think this sentence is raising alarm bells for me due to the phrase 'the Lord's word.' Keep this in mind, be completely objective and analytical.


Hildegard von Bingen an inspirational benedict nun who contributed to Christianity as a living religious tradition by following His word and guiding others to the Kingdom of God. That sentence needs grammar fixes. She was the tenth child of a noble family and was born in Germany 1098. She reinvigorated the mysticism of Christianity through poetry, music and art at a time when philosophy and reason very much dominated intellectual life in Europe, extending the ways Christian adherents felt connected to God. This helped put emotion back into the Christian faith, re-inspiring faith during times of uncertainty, thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition as it says to “preach the word” (2 Timothy 4:2). Good link, and a nice biblical reference, but the wording was not as effective as it could be. Try something like: "The Bible says to "preach the word," (2 Timothy 4:2), and Hildegard achieved this through ________, thus contributing to a living religion tradition. Hildegard also received visions from a young age which she believed to be instructions from God, where they were interpreted as a gift in her book Scivias. She was also an avid observer and recorder of medical ailments and cures which were noted in her second book Physia. She fought against the discrimination towards her nuns in 1148, thus establishing her own convent Bingen. She was convinced of the equality of both men and women regarding spirituality and fought to give her nuns freedom in their faith, thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition as she inspired many women to follow the Lord’s path absolutely. That was too many sentences without linking her work to the lives of adherents. I'd also add a more conclusive sentence, though what you have works fine.

Hildegard also showcased a model Christian living in the Kingdom of God, exclaiming that “…I am but a feather upon the breath of God…” and following His will “learn to do good; seek justice… bring justice to the fatherless” (Isaiah 1:17) by writing and speaking extensively about the corruption within the church. She believed that it was the duty of every human made in the image of God to develop and use the talents given by Him and to realise their God-given potential to “ripen that fruit to the fullness of utility”. Hildegard also contributed to the living religious tradition by embarking on speaking tours throughout France and Germany preaching against corruption, stressing that the Church should be founded on the love He has for us. Pope Benedict noted that she “nurtured an evident love of creation, and was learnt in medicine, poetry, and music. Above all, she maintained a great and faithful love for Christ”, thus Hildegard contributed to Christianity as a living religious tradition. This was a solid paragraph. However, be sure to make links to the MODERN adherent, how has Hildegard's work shaped Christianity as it makes itself known today?

Hildegard’s teachings on the love for creation also showcases how environmental ethics contribute to Christianity as a living religious tradition.  I love how you are making a link between the two, awesome! The relationship between both Hildegard and environmental ethics encompasses how humans should “be fruitful… fill the earth and subdue it” (Genesis 1:28) as instructed by the Holy Father. Agape is at the centre of Christian ethics, and environmental ethics is the part of environmental philosophy which considers the ethical relationship between human beings and the natural environment. The themes of ecology and social consciousness calls for all humans to address the moral issues related to the environment so as to live in His kingdom, which are duly noted in the sources of authority for Christians, including the Bible, tradition, authority of church leaders, experience and logic. Great explanation, but how does this manifest for modern Christians? You allude, but there is no room for subtlety in SOR!

“Christian Ecology Link” is a group located in London that contribute to Christianity as a living religious tradition by “providing redemption for the land” (Leviticus 25:23-24). They follow God’s word as they believe that all adherents are responsible for the impact on God’s creation as a whole. They help members of the group to understand and relate these responsibilities to their faith by organising conferences, workshops, and publishing a bi-annual magazine called “Green Christian”. The group aims to empower agents of change in churches and the green movement, and hope to raise awareness by holding mini-campaigns, such as writing letters to district councils about water use and encouraging them to reduce the use of water, thus providing for the redemption of the land and contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition. Similarly, “Hope for the Future” is a group based in Yorkshire that is an ecumenical, nationwide campaign. The adherents attempt to encourage and equip individuals, churches and groups to lobby their MP on climate change. The group started in late summer 2013 and is supported by Christian Aid, aimed at getting realistic climate change policies into the manifestos of the main political parties. Pope Francis of the Catholic church has also declared that “we need to defend the integrity of the environment”. Thus, environmental ethics are able to contribute to living religious tradition as they live out the values in the bible to “let the earth be glad” and follow God’s word.  This paragraph is interesting, and if you are looking for content to cull, it would be this paragraph. The groups you mention are good examples of how Christian groups can promote ethical teachings in adherents lives, but they don't deserve their own paragraph. The focus should be on the teachings themselves and how they guide day-to-day decisions.

Adherents follow the Lord’s word to contribute to Christianity by being baptised and proclaiming their faith, thus making Christianity a living religious tradition. Adherents are able to contribute to Christianity as it shows an individual desire to follow example set by Jesus when he was baptised by John, and allows the adherent to become part of the community and be unified with Christ as they learn to participate in the church. The individual is also following the orders put forward by the Lord “Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned” (Mark 16:16) so that they may live in the Kingdom of God. Adherents are also promising to live a life in imitation of Christ, implying that they will commit to the teachings, practices and life of the community. 
Through Baptism, an individual is also able to follow the Christian life by proclaiming their faith in the principle beliefs of Christianity, including Salvation, Death and Resurrection and the Holy Trinity. Different denominations hold different views in relation to its expression; Catholicism, Anglican and Greek Orthodox churches baptise children as they believe it is important the child is brought up in the faith of the community and offered the gift of salvation through the church. However, Churches of Christ and many evangelical churches choose to wait until the adherent is an adult, which is known as “believer’s baptism”. This allows the adherent to make their own decision in following Christ and dedicate their life to Christ and His teachings, thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition. Baptism allows many denominations to receive salvation and follow the Holy Trinity and “therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit” (Matthew 28:19). It demonstrates the Nature of God and belief in Trinity, allowing an individual to live in His Kingdom and glorify Him. Bloody brilliant paragraph here.

Baptism is also important for the community, as it aids them in living a Christian life and thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition. The community is enriched by the faith of an individual and the commitment to the life of the community encourages those whose own commitment may have waned. Baptism also unites all individuals as “in Christ, we who are many form one body and each member belongs to all the others” (Romans 12:4-5). Christians believe that as individuals, they are separate yet by being baptised they are part of a community of believers. Thus, Baptism is important to the individual and community, significantly contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition. Again, excellent.

These three aspects are able to contribute to the contribution of Christianity as a living religious tradition. They encourage all adherents to stay faithful to the Gospel and live in His kingdom as Jesus is “the way, the truth, and the life” (John 14:6). Your conclusion is definitely a little too short, and though I like the Biblical quote, you need to link it back to the question a little bit more. If you re-emphasise the definition of living religious tradition, re-state what you have talked about, etc, you should get the required length. Remember, the conclusion should just be a re-statement of your thesis and extremely brief summation of your essay, what conclusion we have reached from reading it.


This is a solid essay Rach! Very nicely done. My feedback throughout covers most areas I would identify to work on. There are some things I would add to your intro and conclusion, mostly related to actually defining "living religious tradition" so as to more directly address the question. I would also watch that your essay remains objective and analytical, which I know is difficult coming from a Catholic school (this is a minor concern, only your Thesis and one/two phrases in the essay raised alarm bells). To cut back on content, I would try synthesising your information for each aspect into a single paragraph; meaning one for ethics, one for Baptism, one for Hildegard. This will mean you have to cut back on non-essential description and focus on analysis: Which is a good thing! If you aren't linking something to the impact on the adherent, it does not need to be there ;D

Hope this helps!
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on February 22, 2016, 01:49:09 pm
Hi! Thanks so much for doing this! You guys are all legends... I'm not really sure how to "post on thread" so just really hoping that this works! My attachment is my essay on Christianity (Hildegard, Baptism and Enviro ethics).
Could I have help in my introduction, conclusion, and how to shorten down on content? I'm a little concerned as I'm not doing to well in SOR and need to bump up my average... haha thanks heaps!  :)

Rach

Hey Rach! I'm glad you've found our thread. You can definitely bump up your SOR mark - my mum teaches SOR and she finds that every year, people's marks can be so easily changed with extra dedication and care. It isn't like, english perhaps, where you are refining skills - it is more building skills and gaining knowledge. Let's do this! Unfortunately I only studied Baptism out of your options. So it won't be super specific on facts, but you know the go :P

Here is your essay untouched:
Spoiler
Discuss the relationship between at least two of the aspects and the way they contribute to Christianity as a living religious tradition.
There are many aspects of Christian life that significantly contribute to Christianity as a living religious tradition. Aspects include significant people such as Hildegard von Bingen, environmental ethics and significant practices such as Baptism. These aspects all prompt an adherent to follow the Lord’s word as well as combining the ideals and essence of Christian life, which is living in the Kingdom of God, thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition.
Hildegard von Bingen an inspirational benedict nun who contributed to Christianity as a living religious tradition by following His word and guiding others to the Kingdom of God. She was the tenth child of a noble family and was born in Germany 1098. She reinvigorated the mysticism of Christianity through poetry, music and art at a time when philosophy and reason very much dominated intellectual life in Europe, extending the ways Christian adherents felt connected to God. This helped put emotion back into the Christian faith, re-inspiring faith during times of uncertainty, thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition as it says to “preach the word” (2 Timothy 4:2). Hildegard also received visions from a young age which she believed to be instructions from God, where they were interpreted as a gift in her book Scivias. She was also an avid observer and recorder of medical ailments and cures which were noted in her second book Physia. She fought against the discrimination towards her nuns in 1148, thus establishing her own convent Bingen. She was convinced of the equality of both men and women regarding spirituality and fought to give her nuns freedom in their faith, thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition as she inspired many women to follow the Lord’s path absolutely.
Hildegard also showcased a model Christian living in the Kingdom of God, exclaiming that “…I am but a feather upon the breath of God…” and following His will “learn to do good; seek justice… bring justice to the fatherless” (Isaiah 1:17) by writing and speaking extensively about the corruption within the church. She believed that it was the duty of every human made in the image of God to develop and use the talents given by Him and to realise their God-given potential to “ripen that fruit to the fullness of utility”. Hildegard also contributed to the living religious tradition by embarking on speaking tours throughout France and Germany preaching against corruption, stressing that the Church should be founded on the love He has for us. Pope Benedict noted that she “nurtured an evident love of creation, and was learnt in medicine, poetry, and music. Above all, she maintained a great and faithful love for Christ”, thus Hildegard contributed to Christianity as a living religious tradition.
Hildegard’s teachings on the love for creation also showcases how environmental ethics contribute to Christianity as a living religious tradition. The relationship between both Hildegard and environmental ethics encompasses how humans should “be fruitful… fill the earth and subdue it” (Genesis 1:28) as instructed by the Holy Father. Agape is at the centre of Christian ethics, and environmental ethics is the part of environmental philosophy which considers the ethical relationship between human beings and the natural environment. The themes of ecology and social consciousness calls for all humans to address the moral issues related to the environment so as to live in His kingdom, which are duly noted in the sources of authority for Christians, including the Bible, tradition, authority of church leaders, experience and logic.
“Christian Ecology Link” is a group located in London that contribute to Christianity as a living religious tradition by “providing redemption for the land” (Leviticus 25:23-24). They follow God’s word as they believe that all adherents are responsible for the impact on God’s creation as a whole. They help members of the group to understand and relate these responsibilities to their faith by organising conferences, workshops, and publishing a bi-annual magazine called “Green Christian”. The group aims to empower agents of change in churches and the green movement, and hope to raise awareness by holding mini-campaigns, such as writing letters to district councils about water use and encouraging them to reduce the use of water, thus providing for the redemption of the land and contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition. Similarly, “Hope for the Future” is a group based in Yorkshire that is an ecumenical, nationwide campaign. The adherents attempt to encourage and equip individuals, churches and groups to lobby their MP on climate change. The group started in late summer 2013 and is supported by Christian Aid, aimed at getting realistic climate change policies into the manifestos of the main political parties. Pope Francis of the Catholic church has also declared that “we need to defend the integrity of the environment”. Thus, environmental ethics are able to contribute to living religious tradition as they live out the values in the bible to “let the earth be glad” and follow God’s word. 
Adherents follow the Lord’s word to contribute to Christianity by being baptised and proclaiming their faith, thus making Christianity a living religious tradition. Adherents are able to contribute to Christianity as it shows an individual desire to follow example set by Jesus when he was baptised by John, and allows the adherent to become part of the community and be unified with Christ as they learn to participate in the church. The individual is also following the orders put forward by the Lord “Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned” (Mark 16:16) so that they may live in the Kingdom of God. Adherents are also promising to live a life in imitation of Christ, implying that they will commit to the teachings, practices and life of the community. 
Through Baptism, an individual is also able to follow the Christian life by proclaiming their faith in the principle beliefs of Christianity, including Salvation, Death and Resurrection and the Holy Trinity. Different denominations hold different views in relation to its expression; Catholicism, Anglican and Greek Orthodox churches baptise children as they believe it is important the child is brought up in the faith of the community and offered the gift of salvation through the church. However, Churches of Christ and many evangelical churches choose to wait until the adherent is an adult, which is known as “believer’s baptism”. This allows the adherent to make their own decision in following Christ and dedicate their life to Christ and His teachings, thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition. Baptism allows many denominations to receive salvation and follow the Holy Trinity and “therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit” (Matthew 28:19). It demonstrates the Nature of God and belief in Trinity, allowing an individual to live in His Kingdom and glorify Him.
Baptism is also important for the community, as it aids them in living a Christian life and thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition. The community is enriched by the faith of an individual and the commitment to the life of the community encourages those whose own commitment may have waned. Baptism also unites all individuals as “in Christ, we who are many form one body and each member belongs to all the others” (Romans 12:4-5). Christians believe that as individuals, they are separate yet by being baptised they are part of a community of believers. Thus, Baptism is important to the individual and community, significantly contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition.
These three aspects are able to contribute to the contribution of Christianity as a living religious tradition. They encourage all adherents to stay faithful to the Gospel and live in His kingdom as Jesus is “the way, the truth, and the life” (John 14:6).

Here is your essay with some annotations that I will make in bold:

Spoiler
Discuss the relationship between at least two of the aspects and the way they contribute to Christianity as a living religious tradition.

Right before you start, I would define a living religious tradition. What are the qualities that you are about to show me in Christianity? Is it the relatable nature to current situations?There are many aspects of Christian life that significantly contribute to Christianity as a living religious tradition. Aspects include significant people such as Hildegard von Bingen, environmental ethics and significant practices such as Baptism. These aspects all prompt an adherent to follow the Lord’s word as well as combining the ideals and essence of Christian life, which is living in the Kingdom of God, thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition. This isn't a bad spot to reference the Bible. So find a quote from the Bible talking about the call to live in the Kingdom of God. Then just embed the quote - points for you!!
Hildegard von Bingen is an inspirational benedict nun who contributed to Christianity as a living religious tradition by following His (His? Try the Lord's, God's, etc) word and guiding others to the Kingdom of God. She was the tenth child of a noble family and was born in Germany 1098. She reinvigorated the mysticism of Christianity through poetry, music and art at a time when philosophy and reason very much dominated intellectual life in Europe, extending the ways Christian adherents felt connected to God. (Good analysis here. Can you tell me why the era was dominated by intellect? What was the religious pattern at the time? Were their neighbouring pagan faiths that caused this? Were there many wars at the time that turned people away? Were there any notable philosophies at the time that you can use to support the argument?)This helped put emotion back into the Christian faith, re-inspiring faith during times of uncertainty, thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition as it says to “preach the word” (2 Timothy 4:2). Hildegard also received visions from a young age which she believed to be instructions from God, where they were interpreted as a gift in her book Scivias. She was also an avid observer and recorder of medical ailments and cures which were noted in her second book Physia.Are these read today? Have they informed modern opinions? The next step is to bring this essay into the now). She fought against the discrimination towards her nuns in 1148, thus establishing her own convent Bingen. Until we get to the sentence that follows this one, we haven't had any updates on how this works to be a living religious tradition. You need to explicitly bring each point back into it. If you can't do that, it means that what you're saying is context and should be restricted, so you can save your words for the deep analysis.) She was convinced of the equality of both men and women regarding spirituality and fought to give her nuns freedom in their faith, thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition as she inspired many women to follow the Lord’s path absolutely. Bring it into the now. Talk about women's positions now: is this woman still inspiring? She's paved the way, surely. So we can talk about how many nuns today still live a life devoted to God like she did.
Hildegard also showcased a model Christian living in the Kingdom of God, exclaiming that “…I am but a feather upon the breath of God…” and following His will “learn to do good; seek justice… bring justice to the fatherless” (Isaiah 1:17) by writing and speaking extensively about the corruption within the church.(good quote and reference. What corruption in the Church? Flesh this out a little more - don't give it more than a sentence). She believed that it was the duty of every human made in the image of God to develop and use the talents given by Him and to realise their God-given potential to “ripen that fruit to the fullness of utility”. Hildegard also contributed to the living religious tradition by embarking on speaking tours throughout France and Germany preaching against corruption, stressing that the Church should be founded on the love He has for us. (Is the path of her tours still followed today on pilgrimages? Do people visit her sites? This could add the the tradition being living.)Pope Benedict noted that she “nurtured an evident love of creation, and was learnt in medicine, poetry, and music. Above all, she maintained a great and faithful love for Christ”, thus Hildegard contributed to Christianity as a living religious tradition. (This is an AWESOME quote. This paragraph is far stronger than the first).
Hildegard’s teachings on the love for creation also showcases how environmental ethics contribute to Christianity as a living religious tradition. The relationship between both Hildegard and environmental ethics encompasses how humans should “be fruitful… fill the earth and subdue it” (Genesis 1:28) as instructed by the Holy Father. Agape is at the centre of Christian ethics, and environmental ethics is the part of environmental philosophy which considers the ethical relationship between human beings and the natural environment. The themes of ecology and social consciousness calls for all humans to address the moral issues related to the environment so as to live in His kingdom, which are duly noted in the sources of authority for Christians, including the Bible, tradition, authority of church leaders, experience and logic. You've mentioned sources of ethics, and a central point: agape. So that's awesome. Not everyone does this.
“Christian Ecology Link” is a group located in London that contribute to Christianity as a living religious tradition by “providing redemption for the land” (Leviticus 25:23-24). They follow God’s word as they believe that all adherents are responsible for the impact on God’s creation as a whole. They help members of the group to understand and relate these responsibilities to their faith by organising conferences, workshops, and publishing a bi-annual magazine called “Green Christian”. The group aims to empower agents of change in churches and the green movement, and hope to raise awareness by holding mini-campaigns, such as writing letters to district councils about water use and encouraging them to reduce the use of water, thus providing for the redemption of the land and contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition. Similarly, “Hope for the Future” is a group based in Yorkshire that is an ecumenical, nationwide campaign. The adherents attempt to encourage and equip individuals, churches and groups to lobby their MP on climate change. The group started in late summer 2013 and is supported by Christian Aid, aimed at getting realistic climate change policies into the manifestos of the main political parties. Pope Francis of the Catholic church has also declared that “we need to defend the integrity of the environment”. Thus, environmental ethics are able to contribute to living religious tradition as they live out the values in the bible to “let the earth be glad” and follow God’s word. 
Adherents follow the Lord’s word to contribute to Christianity by being baptised and proclaiming their faith, thus making Christianity a living religious tradition. Adherents are able to contribute to Christianity as it shows an individual desire to follow example set by Jesus when he was baptised by John, and allows the adherent to become part of the community and be unified with Christ as they learn to participate in the church. The individual is also following the orders put forward by the Lord “Whoever believes and is baptized will be saved, but whoever does not believe will be condemned” (Mark 16:16) so that they may live in the Kingdom of God. Adherents are also promising to live a life in imitation of Christ, implying that they will commit to the teachings, practices and life of the community. 
Through Baptism, an individual is also able to follow the Christian life by proclaiming their faith in the principle beliefs of Christianity, including Salvation, Death and Resurrection and the Holy Trinity. Different denominations hold different views in relation to its expression; Catholicism, Anglican and Greek Orthodox churches baptise children as they believe it is important the child is brought up in the faith of the community and offered the gift of salvation through the church. However, Churches of Christ and many evangelical churches choose to wait until the adherent is an adult, which is known as “believer’s baptism”. This allows the adherent to make their own decision in following Christ and dedicate their life to Christ and His teachings, thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition. Baptism allows many denominations to receive salvation and follow the Holy Trinity and “therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father, and of the Son, and of the Holy Spirit” (Matthew 28:19). It demonstrates the Nature of God and belief in Trinity, allowing an individual to live in His Kingdom and glorify Him.
Baptism is also important for the community, as it aids them in living a Christian life and thus contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition. The community is enriched by the faith of an individual and the commitment to the life of the community encourages those whose own commitment may have waned. Baptism also unites all individuals as “in Christ, we who are many form one body and each member belongs to all the others” (Romans 12:4-5). Christians believe that as individuals, they are separate yet by being baptised they are part of a community of believers. Thus, Baptism is important to the individual and community, significantly contributing to Christianity as a living religious tradition.
These three aspects are able to contribute to the contribution of Christianity as a living religious tradition. They encourage all adherents to stay faithful to the Gospel and live in His kingdom as Jesus is “the way, the truth, and the life” (John 14:6).

Your introduction needs more words, haha. Do a little summary of each aspect. That will fix that up. Tie it all together - bring it home strong!

Do it like this (but obviously totally fleshed out)
-Each aspect adds to the living tradition. Each helps an adherent to live the life God called for (quote).
-Summary on person -living tradition.
-Summary on ethics - living tradition.
-Summary on baptism - living tradition.
-Finish with the final sentence that you already have.


The context around your person doesn't need to be there in the way that it is. But like I said above, if you can't link it to the living tradition argument - take it out. Context doesn't need more than one stand alone sentence.

The ethics were dealt with very well. You could flesh out the call to protect the environment more in relation to adherents. Mention that adherents are stewards of the environment - there is a Bible quote for this somewhere because I remember studying this in Year 5 at primary school in a topic called "We are stewards of creation" haha.

The baptism part was dealt with supremely. That really effectively worked for this essay.

Structurally, you just need to work on bringing it back to the question after every point. Really nail that. Talk about it in the modern sense too. How are all of these things working together to create a modern, working tradition?

You're doing really well. You've got some awesome notes in this essay!
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: brenden on February 23, 2016, 06:46:53 pm
(http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/16/02/22/be65faf6985c5753ac962b766b834e7f.jpg)
(http://images.tapatalk-cdn.com/16/02/22/54e8039349f675e991722e951b697915.jpg)

Hi guys,
I'm doing Texts and traditions in VCE. I am completely lost in this subject rn (teacher isn't the best) so I would love some feedback here. This is my first official text response for the subject so I would appreciate some straight out constructive criticism (no fluff (': ).
I know my structure and conclusion isn't the best, so please aid me in correcting myself.

Thank you so much,
A.t

Ps- I'm doing the Quran section
Your best bet would be to pop this in the Texts and Traditions section of the VCE forum :). There are people on the site who got 45+ for the subject that could give you better advice than people from NSW who only took a similar subject! :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: chuckiecheese on March 05, 2016, 08:23:14 pm
Hey Guys,

So this is my Pope John essay, which I know you guys may not have studied but for you to have a look at would be great, as per cohesiveness etc.

Secondly, I have my half yearly's in about week, and seeing as though it is safe to assume that the personality question is inevitable should I try my best to memorise the essay? That is, if it is decent enough?

Cheers
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 06, 2016, 01:54:37 pm
Hey Guys,

So this is my Pope John essay, which I know you guys may not have studied but for you to have a look at would be great, as per cohesiveness etc.

Secondly, I have my half yearly's in about week, and seeing as though it is safe to assume that the personality question is inevitable should I try my best to memorise the essay? That is, if it is decent enough?

Cheers

Hey chuckiecheese! I've attached your essay below with some helpful comments.

Spoiler
Men, women and schools of thought have reformed and/or revitalised the Christian tradition. How well does this statement reflect the impact on Christianity of ONE significant person or school of thought, other than Jesus?

To say that Pope John XXIII reformed and revitalised the Christian tradition is profoundly true. Try to start your essays with something more abstract than directly addressing the question, it adds a little more sophistication. EG - Religious traditions are ultimately shaped and reformed by the actions of the individuals who practise the faith. The Christian tradition, for example, has been... etc etc. His aggiornamento, in light of the dawning of an era of modernism, has allowed the Church to re-immerse itself once again with the world around it. Particularly, through the reforms of the Second Vatican Council, John XXIII’s impact is most evident in the ameliorations of Church practices, as well as an emphasis on interfaith dialogue and ecumenical affairs, which has permanently reshaped Christian traditions and principles. John XXIII’s impact has been one of great significance, in which Presbyterian Church executive Carrol Shuster states that his reforms “may have an effect as profound as anything since the days of Martin Luther.” Awesome intro with a good list of arguments, though be careful not to go too much into arguments themselves (I'm speaking of the quote at the end). Save all evidence for the body.

The convoking of the Second Vatican Council is inarguably John XXIII’s greatest accomplishment. No link to reforming/revitalisation. Be sure to link to thesis with every topic sentence. Within Vatican II, John XXIII addressed issues relating to practices within the Church, in which he addressed: “Throw open the windows of the Church and let… the spirit blow through.” Within these reforms, John XXIII conveyed the importance of the laity within the Church, increasing their roles and involvement in Mass. Furthermore, Vatican II also entailed the change from Mass said in Latin to the respective vernacular, the removal of altar rails and making the priest address the congregation during sermons, removing the physical barrier between the priest and the attendants. All of which, have allowed for a deeper and more engaging understanding of the practices within the Church on both a practical and spiritual level for Christian adherents. Awesome arguments, though it would be more effective to go into this last part a bit more. How have each of these things allowed a deeper and more engaging understanding of Christian practice? Its effects are evident in today’s Masses as the reforms of the Vatican II are still present in the practices of the Church. Be sure to conclude by linking again to the Thesis.

John XXIII emphasised the important aspect of peace in Christianity and the world in his encyclical of ‘Pacem in Terris’ (Peace on Earth), where he addressed that “since men are social in nature, they must… consult each other’s interests”: a testament to his endeavours for peace. John XXIII, being a staunch advocate of such notions, made ecumenical relations and interfaith dialogue and imperative within the Second Vatican Council. His ecumenical efforts are evident in the ‘Decree of Ecumenism’, which stated, “Christ the Lord founded one Church and one Church only.” The extent of the impact of these ecumenical exertions is evident in the attendance of approximately over 2000 world bishops, who participated in the 21st Ecumenical Council. Furthermore, the Decree on Ecumenism led to the consideration of Protestant and Anglican variants as Christians, allowing John XXIII to become closer to fulfilling his goal of creating a ‘united Church.’ Again, your arguments are solid, but you aren't quite addressing the question. I know it is implied, but you need to directly say things like: "John's focus on ecumenism has strengthened the inter-denominations connections in the religion, thus reshaping how different Christian denominations interact and share common belief." How has he reshaped the Church?

John XXIII extended the hand of Catholicism not only to other Christian variants, but also to that of other religions. Vatican II’s reforms encouraged the acceptance of other religious denominations, which sought to promote a mutual understanding and acceptance between different faiths. Such is evident in John XXIII’s visit of Mahatma Gandhi’s monument, praying and meditating, followed by the enthusiastic proclamation and praise of Gandhi as an “apostle of non-violence.” His efforts towards ecumenism and interfaith dialogue have certainly allowed for an understanding in ecumenical and interfaith relations as the prominence of councils and organisations dedicated to such causes are more prominent and present in today’s societies.  This is a little bit closer to where you need to be, but again, be sure to properly introduce and conclude each body paragraph.

John XXIII’s profoundly reformed and revitalised the Christian tradition, and his impact has extended beyond the adoration of Christianity alone, in that his efforts have been recognised and praised by people of both religious and secular backgrounds. John XXIII was named Time Magazines “Man of the Year”, in which is a testament to the impact of his work, affecting greatly not only aspects of the Christian tradition, but that of worldly affairs. From such an influence, one can certainly conclude on the extent of his impact on Christianity, being one of significant reform and change. In which Carroll Shuster has stated, “he is one of the only truly great Popes of Roman Catholic History.” Awesome conclusion. Be sure to re-list the arguments you have made, and also, be wary of introducing too much new information (although I think the quotes you have used here are just fine).


I would say your essay is quite strong! Two points.

1. Be sure that each paragraph has a proper intro and conclusion, both of which should relate back to your Thesis, and thus, the question.
2. Be sure that, while giving your evidence, you are saying exactly how each thing has reformed/reshaped Christianity. At some points this was just implied. To do this, you need to explain how the changes have impacted on the adherent. How have Christians been affected, directly, by the actions of the person?

That being said, a very nice backbone to develop here with awesome points! In terms of memorising your essay, I would advise against it, in my opinion you are far better off just memorising your points and examples, and perhaps the argument (or a selection of arguments) you would like to make. This is more versatile and can be more easily adjusted to suit strange questions  ;D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: liiz on March 20, 2016, 09:57:28 pm
Hello  :)
Just hoping someone could please have a look over a draft essay of mine? My teacher helped me with the structure but I've struggled a bit with it and am worried that I have not incorporated the quote enough.
Thanks so much

Spoiler
“But those who believe and work righteousness, and humble themselves before their Lord, will dwell in the garden as companions” (Quran 11:23). With reference to the above quotation, explain how ONE significant person and ONE significant practice of Islam assist adherents in achieving the distinctive Islamic requirement of submission “Islam” derives from the Arabic verb taslama, which means to surrender. As such, the underlying paradigm of Islam is that adherents consistently strive to live in submission to the will of Allah by living a righteous and humble life that pleases Him. By doing so, Muslims attain inner-peace and have the ability to develop a deep relationship with God that will be perpetuated in the garden of the afterlife. The significant practice of Hajj and influential figure Rabi’a al-Adawiyya continue to assist adherents in achieving this Islamic requirement through the distinctive aspects of asceticism, devotion and trusting in God. Acting as an avenue and model for adherents to aspire to, adherents can become aware of their companionship with Allah and their duty to live life the way he chose them to live. Thus, Hajj and Rabi’a have essentially guided Muslims to achieve the most perfect submission.

An integral component of submission demonstrated through Hajj and by Rabi’a is asceticism, whereby humility enables believers to completely focus on Allah’s will. Hajj, Islam’s fifth pillar of faith, is an obligatory pilgrimage to Mecca (Saudi Arabia) which aims to strengthen one’s companionship with God. To ensure that a person is ready for the journey’s spiritual rigours, Ihram is a state of physical and mental purity achieved by abstaining from certain actions. This is set out in the Quran as “whoever intends to perform Hajj... should not have sexual relations, nor commit sin nor dispute unjustly” (Sura 2:197). Adherents dress in simple white cloths to further emphasise their detachment from physical desires, echoing the pillar of Sawm. As there is no distinction between individuals, Hajj assists adherents to attain submission by reaffirming the umma’s unifying stance before Allah. As such pilgrims achieve submission by behaving in a righteous, humble manner and pleasing Allah. Similarly, Rabi’a dismissed her worldly responsibilities and material comforts in order to pursue her love of God. Rabi’a al-Adawiyya was a key figure in the development of the Sufi expression of Islam which highlights the importance of building a present spiritual relationship with God. As such, Sufis live an ascetic life, rejecting all nafs (personal urges) and practicing self-effacement to focus on God’s intimate love. Rabi’a worked towards this state of humility through her meagre living circumstances, only owning an old reed-mat, broken pitcher and a brick to use as a pillow. As Rabi’a reiterates “May God steal from you everything that steals you from him”, physical desires act as an obstacle to fully understanding and surrendering to God. Therefore, the concept of asceticism is explored through the righteous state of Ihram during Hajj and Rabia's humble lifestyle. By encouraging adherents to focus on Allah’s will by removing all distractions, this significant practice and influential figure assist Muslims to achieve submission and thus, maintain a companionship with God in the garden of the afterlife.

Devotion is important for Muslims as it demonstrates their desire to submit to Allah. The significant practice of Hajj requires great dedication, due to the hardships and spiritual rebirth it entails. The faard ritual of Tawaf reaffirms one’s loyalty to Allah by expressing the Shahada and the core belief of Tawhid. When pilgrims arrive in Mecca, they circumambulate the Kaba seven times, repeating “Here I am O God…Verily all praise, grace and sovereignty belong to you alone.” This chant embodies the meaning behind Hajj and Islam itself - the requirement of submission and the declaration of the oneness of God. Additionally, circulating the Kaba enables Allah to be at the centre of an individual’s life, expressing their humility and further assisting adherents to achieve submission by becoming conscious of God’s presence. Likewise, Rabi’a was so committed to God that “no place [remained]” in her heart for anything else. Tradition recounts that Rabi’a rarely slept, instead spending hours in prayer and once, had light emanating from above her head. The forerunner of Sufism inspired others to be so devoted through her teaching of Mahabbah. This divine love occurs when adherents focus their entire life on God’s love with the intention of developing uns, a direct personal experience with Him.  As highlighted through these doctrines and her poetic literature, Rabi’a desired to “approach her Lord and be consumed in his glory” (Attar, biographer). She presents to adherents a unique perspective on one’s relationship with Allah, inspiring them to submit for his sake alone, through humility and righteousness. Rabi’a articulates this in “If I adore you for yourself alone, do not deny me your eternal beauty. ” She saw her purpose of existence as loving Allah, but not out of “fear of hell” or “desire for paradise.” This is clear in “Your devotion is your strength, your life is the only opportunity that life can give you” (Dream Fable). Rabi’a explains how a righteous, humble life is the vehicle to which ‘true life’ and union with Allah in the “garden” may be experienced for it is what he has willed, reflecting upon Akhira. As such, Hajj and Rabi’a assist adherents in achieving the distinctive Islamic requirement of submission by modelling for Muslims how devotion fulfils Allah’s will and aids in the development of an eternal companionship with Him.

Trusting in God enables adherents to strengthen their relationship with Allah, as seen through Hajj and Rabia's life. The ritual of Standing at Arafat during Hajj is a time where pilgrims reflect upon their own lives and ask for forgiveness as it is believed all prayers will be answered. By doing so, they place all their trust in God’s mercy in order to gain the strength needed to submit to Allah’s will in the future. This is an essential component of the pilgrimage for “whoever performs Hajj…will come out as sinless as a newly-born child” (Hadith). The Sai walk during Hajj also reaffirms a pilgrim's trust in Allah as they follow the footsteps of Abraham’s wife, Hagar. As she frantically ran between the hills of Safa and Marwa to find water for her famished son, she continually trusted in God. The angel Gabriel was then said to have struck the ground and caused water to flow. As such, the ZamZam water continues to serve as a reminder of Hagar’s trust in Allah and his reciprocation of care and kindness. Similarly, Rabi’a is credited with living a life of simple and intimate faith in God. She is highly regarded for her willingness to abandon all means of support other than Allah. According to one tradition, her donkey carrying her possessions to Mecca died, yet she refused help from other travellers saying “I must not depend upon you for help… I trust myself to Allah.” After praying to God, the donkey stirred and she continued her pilgrimage. Rabi’a also decided to remain a celibate, rejecting multiple marriage proposes to instead rely on God alone. Thus, Hajj and Rabi’a emphasis how Muslims should trust in God and his plan for them in life in order to to achieve the unique Islamic requirement of submission.

The significant practice of Hajj and influential figure of Rabi’a al-Adawiyya both demonstrate the need for adherents to “believe and work righteousness, and humble themselves before their Lord” (Quran 11:23). By doing so, believers develop a meaningful companionship with Allah that is ultimately sustained in the “garden” of the afterlife. Therefore, Hajj and Rabi’a enable adherents to be aware of how their lives should reflect Allah’s will through the distinctive elements of asceticism, devotion and trusting in God, in order to assist Muslims to achieve the Islamic requirement of submission.
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: sonyaa_t on March 21, 2016, 06:58:47 pm
Hello i really need help for this question. My main concern is, have I written enough to gain 6/6 marks in this question? Thanks for any help :)

b)        Explain ethical teachings of Christianity in ONE of the following areas: (6 marks)      
      - Sexual ethics

Sexual ethics in Christianity are significant for Christian adherents as they believe sexuality to be a gift from a loving god. Therefore, the idea of procreation is essential in Christianity as expressed through the bible, "Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth.” (Genesis 1:28). Hence, Christians believe it is a special gift from god which must be used well. Also, Christians believe God blesses the practice of sexual intimacy inside marriage, therefore, sexual acts outside marriage in the form of pre-marital or extra-marital sex are absolutely non-permissible. This is described in 1 Corinthians 7:8, 9, about “the unmarried” and “the widows,” that if they “they cannot exercise self-control. Let them marry.”

Pre-marital sex has not been addressed directly in scripture because in history, people were married at a young age. However, the bible does say that both, man and woman must enter within a virginal state as expressed through Leviticus 21:13 “he shall take a wife in her virginity...” Also, as sex is created by God and sanctified by marriage for the purpose of procreation, premarital sex challenges the correct functioning of this system. The Anglican Church of Australia, while discouraging pre-marital sex, condones pre-marital sex and does not exclude “sinners” from worship. They also do not have the same strong view of the prohibition of marital sex as it is allowed as long as the couple are in a long term and loving relationship. However, all Christian churches do not condone pre-marital sex. Catholic churches teach that sexual love between a man and a woman is reserved to marriage. They are completely against sex before marriage as the Church believes it contradicts moral law and the concept of procreation. Therefore, if a Catholic has sex before marriage they are excluded from the sacrament of communion.

Extra-marital sex is non-permissible in Christianity as it has been directly addressed through “thou shalt not commit adultery” in the Bible’s ‘Ten Commandments.’ Adultery is also one of the most frequently and severely condemned sins as it is mentioned 52 times in the Bible. It is described as an “evil action” that “defiles a person” (Matthew 15) as “God will judge fornicators and adulterers.” (Hebrews 13:4). It also violates the covenant, or contract, agreed to at the start of the marriage to bond “till death do us part.” Thus, due to its seriousness, adultery is prohibited in all denominations, however some may have a stricter attitude towards it. Christian Identity groups, such as the Ku Klux Klan, typically believe interracial marriages to be a form of adultery, whereas this is not the case in the majority of other Christian denominations. For many Christians, particularly the Protestant churches, adultery consists not only of consensual sexual intercourse outside of marriage, but also in “lustful or lewd thoughts” (Matthew 5:28). While Orthodox Christians believe anyone “who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”(Matthew).
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 21, 2016, 08:50:08 pm
Hello  :)
Just hoping someone could please have a look over a draft essay of mine? My teacher helped me with the structure but I've struggled a bit with it and am worried that I have not incorporated the quote enough.
Thanks so much

Spoiler
“But those who believe and work righteousness, and humble themselves before their Lord, will dwell in the garden as companions” (Quran 11:23). With reference to the above quotation, explain how ONE significant person and ONE significant practice of Islam assist adherents in achieving the distinctive Islamic requirement of submission “Islam” derives from the Arabic verb taslama, which means to surrender. As such, the underlying paradigm of Islam is that adherents consistently strive to live in submission to the will of Allah by living a righteous and humble life that pleases Him. By doing so, Muslims attain inner-peace and have the ability to develop a deep relationship with God that will be perpetuated in the garden of the afterlife. The significant practice of Hajj and influential figure Rabi’a al-Adawiyya continue to assist adherents in achieving this Islamic requirement through the distinctive aspects of asceticism, devotion and trusting in God. Acting as an avenue and model for adherents to aspire to, adherents can become aware of their companionship with Allah and their duty to live life the way he chose them to live. Thus, Hajj and Rabi’a have essentially guided Muslims to achieve the most perfect submission.

An integral component of submission demonstrated through Hajj and by Rabi’a is asceticism, whereby humility enables believers to completely focus on Allah’s will. Hajj, Islam’s fifth pillar of faith, is an obligatory pilgrimage to Mecca (Saudi Arabia) which aims to strengthen one’s companionship with God. To ensure that a person is ready for the journey’s spiritual rigours, Ihram is a state of physical and mental purity achieved by abstaining from certain actions. This is set out in the Quran as “whoever intends to perform Hajj... should not have sexual relations, nor commit sin nor dispute unjustly” (Sura 2:197). Adherents dress in simple white cloths to further emphasise their detachment from physical desires, echoing the pillar of Sawm. As there is no distinction between individuals, Hajj assists adherents to attain submission by reaffirming the umma’s unifying stance before Allah. As such pilgrims achieve submission by behaving in a righteous, humble manner and pleasing Allah. Similarly, Rabi’a dismissed her worldly responsibilities and material comforts in order to pursue her love of God. Rabi’a al-Adawiyya was a key figure in the development of the Sufi expression of Islam which highlights the importance of building a present spiritual relationship with God. As such, Sufis live an ascetic life, rejecting all nafs (personal urges) and practicing self-effacement to focus on God’s intimate love. Rabi’a worked towards this state of humility through her meagre living circumstances, only owning an old reed-mat, broken pitcher and a brick to use as a pillow. As Rabi’a reiterates “May God steal from you everything that steals you from him”, physical desires act as an obstacle to fully understanding and surrendering to God. Therefore, the concept of asceticism is explored through the righteous state of Ihram during Hajj and Rabia's humble lifestyle. By encouraging adherents to focus on Allah’s will by removing all distractions, this significant practice and influential figure assist Muslims to achieve submission and thus, maintain a companionship with God in the garden of the afterlife.

Devotion is important for Muslims as it demonstrates their desire to submit to Allah. The significant practice of Hajj requires great dedication, due to the hardships and spiritual rebirth it entails. The faard ritual of Tawaf reaffirms one’s loyalty to Allah by expressing the Shahada and the core belief of Tawhid. When pilgrims arrive in Mecca, they circumambulate the Kaba seven times, repeating “Here I am O God…Verily all praise, grace and sovereignty belong to you alone.” This chant embodies the meaning behind Hajj and Islam itself - the requirement of submission and the declaration of the oneness of God. Additionally, circulating the Kaba enables Allah to be at the centre of an individual’s life, expressing their humility and further assisting adherents to achieve submission by becoming conscious of God’s presence. Likewise, Rabi’a was so committed to God that “no place [remained]” in her heart for anything else. Tradition recounts that Rabi’a rarely slept, instead spending hours in prayer and once, had light emanating from above her head. The forerunner of Sufism inspired others to be so devoted through her teaching of Mahabbah. This divine love occurs when adherents focus their entire life on God’s love with the intention of developing uns, a direct personal experience with Him.  As highlighted through these doctrines and her poetic literature, Rabi’a desired to “approach her Lord and be consumed in his glory” (Attar, biographer). She presents to adherents a unique perspective on one’s relationship with Allah, inspiring them to submit for his sake alone, through humility and righteousness. Rabi’a articulates this in “If I adore you for yourself alone, do not deny me your eternal beauty. ” She saw her purpose of existence as loving Allah, but not out of “fear of hell” or “desire for paradise.” This is clear in “Your devotion is your strength, your life is the only opportunity that life can give you” (Dream Fable). Rabi’a explains how a righteous, humble life is the vehicle to which ‘true life’ and union with Allah in the “garden” may be experienced for it is what he has willed, reflecting upon Akhira. As such, Hajj and Rabi’a assist adherents in achieving the distinctive Islamic requirement of submission by modelling for Muslims how devotion fulfils Allah’s will and aids in the development of an eternal companionship with Him.

Trusting in God enables adherents to strengthen their relationship with Allah, as seen through Hajj and Rabia's life. The ritual of Standing at Arafat during Hajj is a time where pilgrims reflect upon their own lives and ask for forgiveness as it is believed all prayers will be answered. By doing so, they place all their trust in God’s mercy in order to gain the strength needed to submit to Allah’s will in the future. This is an essential component of the pilgrimage for “whoever performs Hajj…will come out as sinless as a newly-born child” (Hadith). The Sai walk during Hajj also reaffirms a pilgrim's trust in Allah as they follow the footsteps of Abraham’s wife, Hagar. As she frantically ran between the hills of Safa and Marwa to find water for her famished son, she continually trusted in God. The angel Gabriel was then said to have struck the ground and caused water to flow. As such, the ZamZam water continues to serve as a reminder of Hagar’s trust in Allah and his reciprocation of care and kindness. Similarly, Rabi’a is credited with living a life of simple and intimate faith in God. She is highly regarded for her willingness to abandon all means of support other than Allah. According to one tradition, her donkey carrying her possessions to Mecca died, yet she refused help from other travellers saying “I must not depend upon you for help… I trust myself to Allah.” After praying to God, the donkey stirred and she continued her pilgrimage. Rabi’a also decided to remain a celibate, rejecting multiple marriage proposes to instead rely on God alone. Thus, Hajj and Rabi’a emphasis how Muslims should trust in God and his plan for them in life in order to to achieve the unique Islamic requirement of submission.

The significant practice of Hajj and influential figure of Rabi’a al-Adawiyya both demonstrate the need for adherents to “believe and work righteousness, and humble themselves before their Lord” (Quran 11:23). By doing so, believers develop a meaningful companionship with Allah that is ultimately sustained in the “garden” of the afterlife. Therefore, Hajj and Rabi’a enable adherents to be aware of how their lives should reflect Allah’s will through the distinctive elements of asceticism, devotion and trusting in God, in order to assist Muslims to achieve the Islamic requirement of submission.

Hey there! Great use of a spoiler!

I'll post my comments in bold, down here. Thanks for commenting!

Spoiler
“But those who believe and work righteousness, and humble themselves before their Lord, will dwell in the garden as companions” (Quran 11:23).
With reference to the above quotation, explain how ONE significant person and ONE significant practice of Islam assist adherents in achieving the distinctive Islamic requirement of submission

 “Islam” derives from the Arabic verb taslama, which means to surrender. This is a cool fact! As such, the underlying paradigm of Islam is that adherents consistently strive to live in submission to the will of Allah by living a righteous and humble life that pleases Him. By doing so, Muslims attain inner-peace and have the ability to develop a deep relationship with God that will be perpetuated in the garden of the afterlife. The significant practice of Hajj and influential figure Rabi’a al-Adawiyya continue to assist adherents in achieving this Islamic requirement through the distinctive aspects of asceticism, devotion and trusting in God. Acting as an avenue and model for adherents to aspire to, adherents can become aware of their companionship with Allah and their duty to live life the way he chose them to live. Thus, Hajj and Rabi’a have essentially guided Muslims to achieve the most perfect submission. This is really cool. I mean, this introduction ticks so many boxes, which is great! No major qualms here.

An integral component of submission demonstrated through Hajj and by Rabi’a is asceticism, whereby humility enables believers to completely focus on Allah’s will. Hajj, Islam’s fifth pillar of faith, is an obligatory pilgrimage to Mecca (Saudi Arabia) which aims to strengthen one’s companionship with God. To ensure that a person is ready for the journey’s spiritual rigours, Ihram (it is great that you are using the Arabic terms!!!!!) is a state of physical and mental purity achieved by abstaining from certain actions. This is set out in the Quran as “whoever intends to perform Hajj... should not have sexual relations, nor commit sin nor dispute unjustly” (Sura 2:197). Adherents dress in simple white cloths to further emphasise their detachment from physical desires, echoing the pillar of Sawm. As there is no distinction between individuals, Hajj assists adherents to attain submission by reaffirming the umma’s unifying stance before Allah. As such pilgrims achieve submission by behaving in a righteous, humble manner and pleasing Allah. Similarly, Rabi’a dismissed her worldly responsibilities and material comforts in order to pursue her love of God. Rabi’a al-Adawiyya was a key figure in the development of the Sufi expression of Islam which highlights the importance of building a present spiritual relationship with God. As such, Sufis live an ascetic life, rejecting all nafs (personal urges) and practicing self-effacement to focus on God’s intimate love. Rabi’a worked towards this state of humility through her meagre living circumstances, only owning an old reed-mat, broken pitcher and a brick to use as a pillow. As Rabi’a reiterates “May God steal from you everything that steals you from him”, (can you find a location for this? Is there a source that you are referring to?) physical desires act as an obstacle to fully understanding and surrendering to God. Therefore, the concept of asceticism is explored through the righteous state of Ihram during Hajj and Rabia's humble lifestyle. By encouraging adherents to focus on Allah’s will by removing all distractions, this significant practice and influential figure assist Muslims to achieve submission and thus, maintain a companionship with God in the garden of the afterlife.
(For all SOR essays, I try to reference the Qur'an and Sunnah every single paragraph. You don't have to link the person or practice to this explicitly. Instead, you could say that Rabi'a lives out the Prophet's directions to ******(quote from Qur'an)*****. Does this make sense? You always want to be mentioning the Qur'an because it is the core Sacred Text! Otherwise, this paragraph can't be faulted in my eyes. It is so unique how you are directing your paragraphs according to aspects of submission. Very cool!)

Devotion is important for Muslims as it demonstrates their desire to submit to Allah. (Another thing on top of what I just said - mention the core beliefs CONSISTENTLY. I would be mentioning Tawhid in your first sentence here). The significant practice of Hajj requires great dedication, due to the hardships and spiritual rebirth it entails. The faard ritual of Tawaf reaffirms one’s loyalty to Allah by expressing the Shahada and the core belief of Tawhid. (Ah, there is it!  ;))When pilgrims arrive in Mecca, they circumambulate the Kaba seven times, repeating “Here I am O God…Verily all praise, grace and sovereignty belong to you alone.” This chant embodies the meaning behind Hajj and Islam itself - the requirement of submission and the declaration of the oneness of God. Additionally, circulating the Kaba enables Allah to be at the centre of an individual’s life, expressing their humility and further assisting adherents to achieve submission by becoming conscious of God’s presence. Likewise, Rabi’a was so committed to God that “no place [remained]” in her heart for anything else. Tradition recounts that Rabi’a rarely slept, instead spending hours in prayer and once, had light emanating from above her head. The forerunner of Sufism inspired others to be so devoted through her teaching of Mahabbah. This divine love occurs when adherents focus their entire life on God’s love with the intention of developing uns, a direct personal experience with Him.  As highlighted through these doctrines and her poetic literature, Rabi’a desired to “approach her Lord and be consumed in his glory” (Attar, biographer). She presents to adherents a unique perspective on one’s relationship with Allah, inspiring them to submit for his sake alone, through humility and righteousness. Rabi’a articulates this in “If I adore you for yourself alone, do not deny me your eternal beauty. ” She saw her purpose of existence as loving Allah, but not out of “fear of hell” or “desire for paradise.” This is clear in “Your devotion is your strength, your life is the only opportunity that life can give you” (Dream Fable). Rabi’a explains how a righteous, humble life is the vehicle to which ‘true life’ and union with Allah in the “garden” may be experienced for it is what he has willed, reflecting upon Akhira. As such, Hajj and Rabi’a assist adherents in achieving the distinctive Islamic requirement of submission by modelling for Muslims how devotion fulfils Allah’s will and aids in the development of an eternal companionship with Him.
(Again, another beautiful paragraph. What is missing is the essay's quote (Use it directly wherever possible!), the Qur'an, and there was a small mention of the core beliefs so that's good. These are the things that ground your essay in the guidelines, whilst you go on and impress the judges with your knowledge. Because you have such a strong grasp of the Arabic terms, I suggest that you put the English translation for the lesser-known terms in brackets. This isn't because the marker won't know them (although they may not) but it shows that you have a thorough understanding of what this means, rather than just memorising a word and knowing it associates with a certain idea you are expressing).
Trusting in God enables adherents to strengthen their relationship with Allah, as seen through Hajj and Rabia's life. The ritual of Standing at Arafat during Hajj is a time where pilgrims reflect upon their own lives and ask for forgiveness as it is believed all prayers will be answered. By doing so, they place all their trust in God’s mercy in order to gain the strength needed to submit to Allah’s will in the future. This is an essential component of the pilgrimage for “whoever performs Hajj…will come out as sinless as a newly-born child” (Hadith). The Sai walk during Hajj also reaffirms a pilgrim's trust in Allah as they follow the footsteps of Abraham’s wife, Hagar. As she frantically ran between the hills of Safa and Marwa to find water for her famished son, she continually trusted in God. The angel Gabriel was then said to have struck the ground and caused water to flow. As such, the ZamZam water continues to serve as a reminder of Hagar’s trust in Allah and his reciprocation of care and kindness. Similarly, Rabi’a is credited with living a life of simple and intimate faith in God. She is highly regarded for her willingness to abandon all means of support other than Allah. According to one tradition, her donkey carrying her possessions to Mecca died, yet she refused help from other travellers saying “I must not depend upon you for help… I trust myself to Allah.” After praying to God, the donkey stirred and she continued her pilgrimage. Rabi’a also decided to remain a celibate, rejecting multiple marriage proposes to instead rely on God alone. Thus, Hajj and Rabi’a emphasis how Muslims should trust in God and his plan for them in life in order to to achieve the unique Islamic requirement of submission.

The significant practice of Hajj and influential figure of Rabi’a al-Adawiyya both demonstrate the need for adherents to “believe and work righteousness, and humble themselves before their Lord” (Quran 11:23). By doing so, believers develop a meaningful companionship with Allah that is ultimately sustained in the “garden” of the afterlife. Therefore, Hajj and Rabi’a enable adherents to be aware of how their lives should reflect Allah’s will through the distinctive elements of asceticism, devotion and trusting in God, in order to assist Muslims to achieve the Islamic requirement of submission.

Your knowledge cannot be faulted here! You undoubtedly know what you are talking about. The structure is very unique and very admirable.

However, like you picked it, you haven't incorporated the quote enough. You only need to incorporate a small section at a time. I would reference it twice in every paragraph, because you discuss both person and practice in each paragraph so there is two opportunities in every paragraph. You should also make a big effort to relate back to the core beliefs and the Sacred texts very consistently. Every paragraph, as a general tip, should reference the Sacred Text(s) twice! Find some universal quotes that work well and use them to express your knowledge even better. The core beliefs are a little trickier. Tawhid is by far the easiest. I would also mention the Prophets in every essay, because you always talk about the Seal of the Prophets. On that note, something that you've undertouched here is the Prophet Muhammad. You definitely need to do this more, and this will come naturally when you reference the Qur'an!

So to summarise:

-More quote integration.
-More Qur'an.
-More core beliefs.
-More mention of the Prophet.

Just remember that these can all be mentioned in passing. By this I mean, you can kind of just "drop" them in there every now and then in a way that strengthens your argument/knowledge (don't drop them in awkwardly - that will be counterproductive). When you tick these boxes, you tick everything a marker is marking you on!

You should be very proud of this essay, it was so hard to fault on a technical or knowledge level!

If something I said doesn't make sense, do post back!
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 21, 2016, 09:10:46 pm
Hello i really need help for this question. My main concern is, have I written enough to gain 6/6 marks in this question? Thanks for any help :)

b)        Explain ethical teachings of Christianity in ONE of the following areas: (6 marks)      
      - Sexual ethics

Sexual ethics in Christianity are significant for Christian adherents as they believe sexuality to be a gift from a loving god. Therefore, the idea of procreation is essential in Christianity as expressed through the bible, "Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth.” (Genesis 1:28). Hence, Christians believe it is a special gift from god which must be used well. Also, Christians believe God blesses the practice of sexual intimacy inside marriage, therefore, sexual acts outside marriage in the form of pre-marital or extra-marital sex are absolutely non-permissible. This is described in 1 Corinthians 7:8, 9, about “the unmarried” and “the widows,” that if they “they cannot exercise self-control. Let them marry.”

Pre-marital sex has not been addressed directly in scripture because in history, people were married at a young age. However, the bible does say that both, man and woman must enter within a virginal state as expressed through Leviticus 21:13 “he shall take a wife in her virginity...” Also, as sex is created by God and sanctified by marriage for the purpose of procreation, premarital sex challenges the correct functioning of this system. The Anglican Church of Australia, while discouraging pre-marital sex, condones pre-marital sex and does not exclude “sinners” from worship. They also do not have the same strong view of the prohibition of marital sex as it is allowed as long as the couple are in a long term and loving relationship. However, all Christian churches do not condone pre-marital sex. Catholic churches teach that sexual love between a man and a woman is reserved to marriage. They are completely against sex before marriage as the Church believes it contradicts moral law and the concept of procreation. Therefore, if a Catholic has sex before marriage they are excluded from the sacrament of communion.

Extra-marital sex is non-permissible in Christianity as it has been directly addressed through “thou shalt not commit adultery” in the Bible’s ‘Ten Commandments.’ Adultery is also one of the most frequently and severely condemned sins as it is mentioned 52 times in the Bible. It is described as an “evil action” that “defiles a person” (Matthew 15) as “God will judge fornicators and adulterers.” (Hebrews 13:4). It also violates the covenant, or contract, agreed to at the start of the marriage to bond “till death do us part.” Thus, due to its seriousness, adultery is prohibited in all denominations, however some may have a stricter attitude towards it. Christian Identity groups, such as the Ku Klux Klan, typically believe interracial marriages to be a form of adultery, whereas this is not the case in the majority of other Christian denominations. For many Christians, particularly the Protestant churches, adultery consists not only of consensual sexual intercourse outside of marriage, but also in “lustful or lewd thoughts” (Matthew 5:28). While Orthodox Christians believe anyone “who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”(Matthew).

Hey there! Welcome to the forum :)

I'll edit this in bold below in the spoiler:

Spoiler
Explain ethical teachings of Christianity in ONE of the following areas: (6 marks)      
      - Sexual ethics

Sexual ethics in Christianity are significant for Christian adherents as they believe sexuality to be a gift from a loving god. Therefore, the idea of procreation is essential in Christianity as expressed through the bible, "Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth.” (Genesis 1:28). Hence, Christians believe it is a special gift from god which must be used well. Also, Christians believe God blesses the practice of sexual intimacy inside marriage, therefore, sexual acts outside marriage in the form of pre-marital or extra-marital sex are absolutely non-permissible. This is described in 1 Corinthians 7:8, 9, about “the unmarried” and “the widows,” that if they “they cannot exercise self-control. Let them marry.” I think you need to explicitly outline the ethics before clouding them with Biblical references, just for the introduction. For example, Christian ethics surround the idea of the right relationship with God, the right relationship with others and oneself. Put that in there. Then be more specific about sexual ethics, like the gift from God idea and the others you've suggested. Your intro should be really short for a 6 marker - so don't worry about impressing with quotes - your body paragraphs will do that work!

Pre-marital sex has not been addressed directly in scripture because in history, people were married at a young age. Perhaps be a little more concise here. Try, "because at the historical stage that the Bible was written, people married at a pre-pubescent or pubescent age, so their marriage coincided with their sexual activity." However, the bible Capital B!) does say that both, man and woman must enter within a virginal state as expressed through Leviticus 21:13 “he shall take a wife in her virginity...” Also, as sex is created by God and sanctified by marriage for the purpose of procreation, premarital sex challenges the correct functioning of this system. The Anglican Church of Australia, while discouraging pre-marital sex, condones pre-marital sex and does not exclude “sinners” from worship. They also do not have the same strong view of the prohibition of marital sex as it is allowed as long as the couple are in a long term and loving relationship. However, all Christian churches do not condone pre-marital sex. Catholic churches teach that sexual love between a man and a woman is reserved to marriage. They are completely against sex before marriage as the Church believes it contradicts moral law and the concept of procreation. Therefore, if a Catholic has sex before marriage they are excluded from the sacrament of communion.

Extra-marital sex is non-permissible in Christianity as it has been directly addressed through “thou shalt not commit adultery” in the Bible’s ‘Ten Commandments.’ Adultery is also one of the most frequently and severely condemned sins as it is mentioned 52 times in the Bible. It is described as an “evil action” that “defiles a person” (Matthew 15) as “God will judge fornicators and adulterers.” (Hebrews 13:4). It also violates the covenant, or contract, agreed to at the start of the marriage to bond “till death do us part.” Thus, due to its seriousness, adultery is prohibited in all denominations, however some may have a stricter attitude towards it. Christian Identity groups, such as the Ku Klux Klan, typically believe interracial marriages to be a form of adultery, whereas this is not the case in the majority of other Christian denominations. For many Christians, particularly the Protestant churches, adultery consists not only of consensual sexual intercourse outside of marriage, but also in “lustful or lewd thoughts” (Matthew 5:28). While Orthodox Christians believe anyone “who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”(Matthew).

The problem with the last two paragraphs is that it doesn't focus on EXPLAINING the ethics of Christianity. Instead, you talk about ethically conflicting situations. Begin your paragraph discussing the ethics, talk about the source, the importance, explain them. Then, only as a supporting argument, should you back them up with examples such as pre-marital sex. I hope this makes sense and doesn't dishearten you. I lost marks in my half yearly because I didn't explain the ethics, I mainly explained ethical decisions. When really, I should have explained ethics, and used the ethical decisions as supporting material. In order of prevalence, I would discuss: The Ethics themselves (quotes to support), the sources of the ethics, the examples of the ethics in reality.

Hopefully this makes sense Sonya. Your length is fine for a 6 marker, provided that the economy of words is strong. You just need to tweak the angle that you have taken, and then you've got yourself a solid essay! Your knowledge is strong, I don't doubt that for a second! You've got a good sense of how to build up a strong argument. You need to make sure that you really flesh out the ethical teachings before you put anything into practice! If this doesn't quite make sense, please post back and we can discuss further. But hopefully you understand what I'm saying. Don't shy away from contacting me again! :-)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: liiz on March 22, 2016, 10:59:51 am
Hey there! Great use of a spoiler!

I'll post my comments in bold, down here. Thanks for commenting!

Spoiler
“But those who believe and work righteousness, and humble themselves before their Lord, will dwell in the garden as companions” (Quran 11:23).
With reference to the above quotation, explain how ONE significant person and ONE significant practice of Islam assist adherents in achieving the distinctive Islamic requirement of submission

 “Islam” derives from the Arabic verb taslama, which means to surrender. This is a cool fact! As such, the underlying paradigm of Islam is that adherents consistently strive to live in submission to the will of Allah by living a righteous and humble life that pleases Him. By doing so, Muslims attain inner-peace and have the ability to develop a deep relationship with God that will be perpetuated in the garden of the afterlife. The significant practice of Hajj and influential figure Rabi’a al-Adawiyya continue to assist adherents in achieving this Islamic requirement through the distinctive aspects of asceticism, devotion and trusting in God. Acting as an avenue and model for adherents to aspire to, adherents can become aware of their companionship with Allah and their duty to live life the way he chose them to live. Thus, Hajj and Rabi’a have essentially guided Muslims to achieve the most perfect submission. This is really cool. I mean, this introduction ticks so many boxes, which is great! No major qualms here.

An integral component of submission demonstrated through Hajj and by Rabi’a is asceticism, whereby humility enables believers to completely focus on Allah’s will. Hajj, Islam’s fifth pillar of faith, is an obligatory pilgrimage to Mecca (Saudi Arabia) which aims to strengthen one’s companionship with God. To ensure that a person is ready for the journey’s spiritual rigours, Ihram (it is great that you are using the Arabic terms!!!!!) is a state of physical and mental purity achieved by abstaining from certain actions. This is set out in the Quran as “whoever intends to perform Hajj... should not have sexual relations, nor commit sin nor dispute unjustly” (Sura 2:197). Adherents dress in simple white cloths to further emphasise their detachment from physical desires, echoing the pillar of Sawm. As there is no distinction between individuals, Hajj assists adherents to attain submission by reaffirming the umma’s unifying stance before Allah. As such pilgrims achieve submission by behaving in a righteous, humble manner and pleasing Allah. Similarly, Rabi’a dismissed her worldly responsibilities and material comforts in order to pursue her love of God. Rabi’a al-Adawiyya was a key figure in the development of the Sufi expression of Islam which highlights the importance of building a present spiritual relationship with God. As such, Sufis live an ascetic life, rejecting all nafs (personal urges) and practicing self-effacement to focus on God’s intimate love. Rabi’a worked towards this state of humility through her meagre living circumstances, only owning an old reed-mat, broken pitcher and a brick to use as a pillow. As Rabi’a reiterates “May God steal from you everything that steals you from him”, (can you find a location for this? Is there a source that you are referring to?) physical desires act as an obstacle to fully understanding and surrendering to God. Therefore, the concept of asceticism is explored through the righteous state of Ihram during Hajj and Rabia's humble lifestyle. By encouraging adherents to focus on Allah’s will by removing all distractions, this significant practice and influential figure assist Muslims to achieve submission and thus, maintain a companionship with God in the garden of the afterlife.
(For all SOR essays, I try to reference the Qur'an and Sunnah every single paragraph. You don't have to link the person or practice to this explicitly. Instead, you could say that Rabi'a lives out the Prophet's directions to ******(quote from Qur'an)*****. Does this make sense? You always want to be mentioning the Qur'an because it is the core Sacred Text! Otherwise, this paragraph can't be faulted in my eyes. It is so unique how you are directing your paragraphs according to aspects of submission. Very cool!)

Devotion is important for Muslims as it demonstrates their desire to submit to Allah. (Another thing on top of what I just said - mention the core beliefs CONSISTENTLY. I would be mentioning Tawhid in your first sentence here). The significant practice of Hajj requires great dedication, due to the hardships and spiritual rebirth it entails. The faard ritual of Tawaf reaffirms one’s loyalty to Allah by expressing the Shahada and the core belief of Tawhid. (Ah, there is it!  ;))When pilgrims arrive in Mecca, they circumambulate the Kaba seven times, repeating “Here I am O God…Verily all praise, grace and sovereignty belong to you alone.” This chant embodies the meaning behind Hajj and Islam itself - the requirement of submission and the declaration of the oneness of God. Additionally, circulating the Kaba enables Allah to be at the centre of an individual’s life, expressing their humility and further assisting adherents to achieve submission by becoming conscious of God’s presence. Likewise, Rabi’a was so committed to God that “no place [remained]” in her heart for anything else. Tradition recounts that Rabi’a rarely slept, instead spending hours in prayer and once, had light emanating from above her head. The forerunner of Sufism inspired others to be so devoted through her teaching of Mahabbah. This divine love occurs when adherents focus their entire life on God’s love with the intention of developing uns, a direct personal experience with Him.  As highlighted through these doctrines and her poetic literature, Rabi’a desired to “approach her Lord and be consumed in his glory” (Attar, biographer). She presents to adherents a unique perspective on one’s relationship with Allah, inspiring them to submit for his sake alone, through humility and righteousness. Rabi’a articulates this in “If I adore you for yourself alone, do not deny me your eternal beauty. ” She saw her purpose of existence as loving Allah, but not out of “fear of hell” or “desire for paradise.” This is clear in “Your devotion is your strength, your life is the only opportunity that life can give you” (Dream Fable). Rabi’a explains how a righteous, humble life is the vehicle to which ‘true life’ and union with Allah in the “garden” may be experienced for it is what he has willed, reflecting upon Akhira. As such, Hajj and Rabi’a assist adherents in achieving the distinctive Islamic requirement of submission by modelling for Muslims how devotion fulfils Allah’s will and aids in the development of an eternal companionship with Him.
(Again, another beautiful paragraph. What is missing is the essay's quote (Use it directly wherever possible!), the Qur'an, and there was a small mention of the core beliefs so that's good. These are the things that ground your essay in the guidelines, whilst you go on and impress the judges with your knowledge. Because you have such a strong grasp of the Arabic terms, I suggest that you put the English translation for the lesser-known terms in brackets. This isn't because the marker won't know them (although they may not) but it shows that you have a thorough understanding of what this means, rather than just memorising a word and knowing it associates with a certain idea you are expressing).
Trusting in God enables adherents to strengthen their relationship with Allah, as seen through Hajj and Rabia's life. The ritual of Standing at Arafat during Hajj is a time where pilgrims reflect upon their own lives and ask for forgiveness as it is believed all prayers will be answered. By doing so, they place all their trust in God’s mercy in order to gain the strength needed to submit to Allah’s will in the future. This is an essential component of the pilgrimage for “whoever performs Hajj…will come out as sinless as a newly-born child” (Hadith). The Sai walk during Hajj also reaffirms a pilgrim's trust in Allah as they follow the footsteps of Abraham’s wife, Hagar. As she frantically ran between the hills of Safa and Marwa to find water for her famished son, she continually trusted in God. The angel Gabriel was then said to have struck the ground and caused water to flow. As such, the ZamZam water continues to serve as a reminder of Hagar’s trust in Allah and his reciprocation of care and kindness. Similarly, Rabi’a is credited with living a life of simple and intimate faith in God. She is highly regarded for her willingness to abandon all means of support other than Allah. According to one tradition, her donkey carrying her possessions to Mecca died, yet she refused help from other travellers saying “I must not depend upon you for help… I trust myself to Allah.” After praying to God, the donkey stirred and she continued her pilgrimage. Rabi’a also decided to remain a celibate, rejecting multiple marriage proposes to instead rely on God alone. Thus, Hajj and Rabi’a emphasis how Muslims should trust in God and his plan for them in life in order to to achieve the unique Islamic requirement of submission.

The significant practice of Hajj and influential figure of Rabi’a al-Adawiyya both demonstrate the need for adherents to “believe and work righteousness, and humble themselves before their Lord” (Quran 11:23). By doing so, believers develop a meaningful companionship with Allah that is ultimately sustained in the “garden” of the afterlife. Therefore, Hajj and Rabi’a enable adherents to be aware of how their lives should reflect Allah’s will through the distinctive elements of asceticism, devotion and trusting in God, in order to assist Muslims to achieve the Islamic requirement of submission.

Your knowledge cannot be faulted here! You undoubtedly know what you are talking about. The structure is very unique and very admirable.

However, like you picked it, you haven't incorporated the quote enough. You only need to incorporate a small section at a time. I would reference it twice in every paragraph, because you discuss both person and practice in each paragraph so there is two opportunities in every paragraph. You should also make a big effort to relate back to the core beliefs and the Sacred texts very consistently. Every paragraph, as a general tip, should reference the Sacred Text(s) twice! Find some universal quotes that work well and use them to express your knowledge even better. The core beliefs are a little trickier. Tawhid is by far the easiest. I would also mention the Prophets in every essay, because you always talk about the Seal of the Prophets. On that note, something that you've undertouched here is the Prophet Muhammad. You definitely need to do this more, and this will come naturally when you reference the Qur'an!

So to summarise:

-More quote integration.
-More Qur'an.
-More core beliefs.
-More mention of the Prophet.

Just remember that these can all be mentioned in passing. By this I mean, you can kind of just "drop" them in there every now and then in a way that strengthens your argument/knowledge (don't drop them in awkwardly - that will be counterproductive). When you tick these boxes, you tick everything a marker is marking you on!

You should be very proud of this essay, it was so hard to fault on a technical or knowledge level!

If something I said doesn't make sense, do post back!

Ah okay great. Thankyou so so much!! This makes heaps of sense, and I'll definitely take those tips on board. Really appreciate your help! :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: sonyaa_t on March 22, 2016, 01:42:03 pm
Hey there! Welcome to the forum :)

I'll edit this in bold below in the spoiler:

Spoiler
Explain ethical teachings of Christianity in ONE of the following areas: (6 marks)      
      - Sexual ethics

Sexual ethics in Christianity are significant for Christian adherents as they believe sexuality to be a gift from a loving god. Therefore, the idea of procreation is essential in Christianity as expressed through the bible, "Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth.” (Genesis 1:28). Hence, Christians believe it is a special gift from god which must be used well. Also, Christians believe God blesses the practice of sexual intimacy inside marriage, therefore, sexual acts outside marriage in the form of pre-marital or extra-marital sex are absolutely non-permissible. This is described in 1 Corinthians 7:8, 9, about “the unmarried” and “the widows,” that if they “they cannot exercise self-control. Let them marry.” I think you need to explicitly outline the ethics before clouding them with Biblical references, just for the introduction. For example, Christian ethics surround the idea of the right relationship with God, the right relationship with others and oneself. Put that in there. Then be more specific about sexual ethics, like the gift from God idea and the others you've suggested. Your intro should be really short for a 6 marker - so don't worry about impressing with quotes - your body paragraphs will do that work!

Pre-marital sex has not been addressed directly in scripture because in history, people were married at a young age. Perhaps be a little more concise here. Try, "because at the historical stage that the Bible was written, people married at a pre-pubescent or pubescent age, so their marriage coincided with their sexual activity." However, the bible Capital B!) does say that both, man and woman must enter within a virginal state as expressed through Leviticus 21:13 “he shall take a wife in her virginity...” Also, as sex is created by God and sanctified by marriage for the purpose of procreation, premarital sex challenges the correct functioning of this system. The Anglican Church of Australia, while discouraging pre-marital sex, condones pre-marital sex and does not exclude “sinners” from worship. They also do not have the same strong view of the prohibition of marital sex as it is allowed as long as the couple are in a long term and loving relationship. However, all Christian churches do not condone pre-marital sex. Catholic churches teach that sexual love between a man and a woman is reserved to marriage. They are completely against sex before marriage as the Church believes it contradicts moral law and the concept of procreation. Therefore, if a Catholic has sex before marriage they are excluded from the sacrament of communion.

Extra-marital sex is non-permissible in Christianity as it has been directly addressed through “thou shalt not commit adultery” in the Bible’s ‘Ten Commandments.’ Adultery is also one of the most frequently and severely condemned sins as it is mentioned 52 times in the Bible. It is described as an “evil action” that “defiles a person” (Matthew 15) as “God will judge fornicators and adulterers.” (Hebrews 13:4). It also violates the covenant, or contract, agreed to at the start of the marriage to bond “till death do us part.” Thus, due to its seriousness, adultery is prohibited in all denominations, however some may have a stricter attitude towards it. Christian Identity groups, such as the Ku Klux Klan, typically believe interracial marriages to be a form of adultery, whereas this is not the case in the majority of other Christian denominations. For many Christians, particularly the Protestant churches, adultery consists not only of consensual sexual intercourse outside of marriage, but also in “lustful or lewd thoughts” (Matthew 5:28). While Orthodox Christians believe anyone “who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”(Matthew).

The problem with the last two paragraphs is that it doesn't focus on EXPLAINING the ethics of Christianity. Instead, you talk about ethically conflicting situations. Begin your paragraph discussing the ethics, talk about the source, the importance, explain them. Then, only as a supporting argument, should you back them up with examples such as pre-marital sex. I hope this makes sense and doesn't dishearten you. I lost marks in my half yearly because I didn't explain the ethics, I mainly explained ethical decisions. When really, I should have explained ethics, and used the ethical decisions as supporting material. In order of prevalence, I would discuss: The Ethics themselves (quotes to support), the sources of the ethics, the examples of the ethics in reality.

Hopefully this makes sense Sonya. Your length is fine for a 6 marker, provided that the economy of words is strong. You just need to tweak the angle that you have taken, and then you've got yourself a solid essay! Your knowledge is strong, I don't doubt that for a second! You've got a good sense of how to build up a strong argument. You need to make sure that you really flesh out the ethical teachings before you put anything into practice! If this doesn't quite make sense, please post back and we can discuss further. But hopefully you understand what I'm saying. Don't shy away from contacting me again! :-)

Thanks I'll definitely use your advice :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: carver on March 22, 2016, 01:53:01 pm
Hey can you check my essay thanks! :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: @caitlyn on March 22, 2016, 10:37:22 pm
Hey, I was wondering if i answered the question properly and if it is suitable for a 6/6?

 Q: Explain ethical teachings of Christianity in ONE of the following areas: (6 marks)
    -Sexual Ethics

Christian sexual ethics are derived from sources like the Bible and the 10 Commandments, and also from religious authorities. Christian denominations agree on the sentiment that sexual relationships should be for the purpose of procreation and should therefore only occur within a heterosexual, monogamous married couple as an act of love, rather than personal satisfaction. 
 
Homosexuality refers to individuals who are attracted to their own gender. The Bible is clear in its stance that homosexuality is a sin (1 Corinthians 6:9-12) and the church has traditionally condemned homosexual relationships with many Christians believing it should continue to do so. However, growing numbers of Christians believe the Church has made a mistake and the church's position should be reformed. With emphasis on marriage and procreation, the Bible is in essence against homosexuality. Jesus quoted Genesis 2:24 in his teaching that sexual intercourse made people 'become one flesh....so they are no longer one but two." This signifies the importance of multiplying with relation to Christian sexual ethics and highlights that homosexuality inhibits procreation, as it can only occur between a man and a women. There are different denominational views on homosexuality in Christianity. The Uniting Church allows for the participation and ordination for homosexuals, whereas Catholics and evangelicals both reject homosexuality with the evangelical rejection being based on the New Testament (Corinthians 6:9-12) and the Catholics further reject homosexual relationships as going against 'natural law', which is procreation.
 
Contraception refers to the deliberate use of artificial methods or other techniques to prevent pregnancy as a consequence of sexual intercourse. In the Christian Church contraception is allowed when pregnancy might harm the health of the mother, to limit the number of children in the family or for people who do not want to have children at the present stage in their lives. Other than those reasons Roman Catholics reject most forms of contraception as it contradicts their understanding of natural law, which is procreation. Natural forms of contraception such as the rhythm method are acceptable across all Christians denominations as there is a possibility of conception. The Bible states that 'men and women were made to complement each other' (Genesis 1:28)  and 'increase in number' which signifies the importance of procreation and highlights that contraceptives interfere with the natural order of multiplying. Protestant churches continue to adopt a liberal attitude and permit artificial birth as long as it does not encourage promiscuous behavior whereas Catholics view that contraception should be more tightly controlled as it alienates people from God's intentions of the sexual and procreative processes.   
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 22, 2016, 10:56:35 pm
Hey can you check my essay thanks! :)

Hey Carver, welcome to the forums!! I'd be happy to, I've attached your essay with some helpful comments below!

Spoiler
In the name of God, Most Gracious, Most Merciful,
 . . . to You alone do we turn for help.
Guide us along the straight path.
                                                          Qur’an 1:2–6


With reference to the quotation, explain how Islam as a living religious tradition gives depth and meaning to the life of the individual and the Muslim community.

Submitting to Allah’s will is a central concept at the heart of Islam, giving depth and meaning to the life of its adherents and the Muslim community. An expression of devotion to Allah, Hajj or the pilgrimage to Makkah is one of the five ‘arkan-al-Islam’ (pillars of Islam) and is compulsory for all Muslims, men or women. That is if they are physically and financially able to “perform the pilgrimage and the visit (to Mecca) for Allah” (Quran 2:196). This ‘fard’ is performed from the 8th to the 13th of the twelfth month of zul-hijjah where the core beliefs of Islam are expressed and affirmed by undertaking certain communal rituals. That is, in order to be guided “along the straight path” to ‘Jannat’. Thus, being significant to the life of the individual and the Muslim community. Good introduction! Excellent inclusion of Qur'an quotes and the supplied quotation. However, you are missing one of the key parts of the question, that is a definition of a living religious tradition. I'd even lead with this, what defines a living religious tradition? You've covered it implicitly, but really hammer it home!

During hajj, pilgrims seek the forgiveness of their sins, in order to achieve the highest level of heaven, Jannat-al-firdous, giving adherents an ultimate purpose in life. Fantastic introductory sentence, again though, make sure you link back to living religious tradition. That is the focus of this question! As hajj is a communal worship, the plea and petition of millions of people at the same time while performing ‘tawaf’ around the Ka’ba 7 times is a compelling spiritual force that begs forgiveness. Thus, the collective ‘ibadah’ of “Here I am at your Service, O Allah, Here I am” brings communities in unity in complete surrender to the “Most Merciful” (Qur’an 1:2–6) Allah. On the ninth day of zul-Hijjah, pilgrims make their way atop the hill of Mount Arafat, known as 'Jabal Al Rahmah' (the hill of forgiveness), the place Muhammad (PBUH) gave his last sermon. This is where adherents engage in contemplation; offering namaz (prayer), supplicating and reading the Quran. This ritual is known as wuquf and is one of the most significant events of hajj as Muhammad (PBUH) said, “Hajj is Arafat - if Arafat was missed, the whole Hajj will be missed.” This alludes a deep spiritual connection between an individual as it brings them closer to God as they “turn for help” from him “alone,” to gain a place in Jannat. Also, due to Mount Arafat’s historical importance, the Muslim community feels connected to the history of Islam which connects individuals to the past and present Muslim ummah. I really like that you use the community as well, maybe try doing this a little bit more, create a balance? Therefore, giving meaning to the life of the individual and the Muslim community. Fantastic paragraph with an excellent conclusion! Great use of quotes and re-enforcing the significance to Muslims, great stuff!

Warding off temptations of the world is an integral part of Islam, thus, due to its physical, monetary and spiritual demands, hajj inspires adherents to refrain from sinning once they finish pilgrimage. This introduction needs a link to the focus once again, living religious tradition. WHY is it important to Muslims? Therefore, preparation before this time is highly important and involves redressing wrongs, paying all debts, allocating money for family and journey, as well as adopting good ikhlaq (behaviour). The significance of the intensity of Hajj for an individual is that they learn skills such as determination, perseverance, patience and control of the human will. Stoning the al-Jamarat in Mina symbolises the rejection of “the short enjoyment of this world” (Surah An-Nisa) as pilgrims recite, “from now on, you won’t be able to seduce me.” This interjection is directed towards the external devil, Iblis and other shayateen (Satan) like him, as well as an individual’s inner Satan, their sinful temptations. This is significant for an individual as they build greater confidence to suppress their inner desires (nafs), and feel like they have won over shayateen/s’ “evil whispers”(Quran, surah an-nas). Also, because stoning the Jamarat is a communal worship, it gives strength to the Muslim ummah to collectively defeat their sinful desires, inspiring strength and faith in one another. Therefore, giving depth and meaning to the life of an individual and the Muslim community. Again, excellent paragraph! Just that introduction needs to be reframed for the question.

Islam also provides depth and meaning to the lives of Muslim adherents through reiterating the importance of carrying out charitable work and caring for one another. Excellent! This is depicted in hajj as the stoning of the pillars is followed by the slaughter of an animal, usually a sheep, to mark the beginning of a three-day holiday called ‘Eid al-Adha,’ or Feast of Sacrifice. This is significant as it teaches an individual to let go of worldly possessions and sacrifice in the name of Allah to mark complete submission to His will. This practice is also significant for the community as the ‘qurban,’ the meat from the sacrifice is distributed to family and friends, but mostly, to the poor, therefore, fulfilling the Islamic pillar of charity. In addition, this act reinforces one of the most important beliefs for a ‘momin’ (a believer in Islam), to “love for humanity as you would love for yourself.” (Hadith 13-Al-bukhari) Thus, the celebration of Eid unites international Muslims; evokes respect and interracial harmony, hence, strengthening the unification of the Muslim ummah. As the enormity of hajj is covered internationally through media, it also inspires Muslim adherents in the community from around the world to take part. Thus, being significant for an individual and the community.  This paragraph is brilliant! Well focused on the question at hand and good explanations and quotes.

Upon completion of hajj whereby a believer performed every ritual to the best of their ability and stayed away from “...any obscenity and wrongdoing...” Muslims experience the beginning of a new life, “pure and free from sins” as described by Muhammad (PBUH). This introduction is a little weaker, and again, it isn't for any reason besides the fact that it doesn't relate to the focus of the question as well as it could. You are literally tiny tweaks away from a real winner!  As Aisha and Muhammad (PBUH) also carried out hajj, this practice is considered suna for Muslim adherents and Aisha is regarded as a role model, especially for Sunni female Muslims. Hajj transforms an individual by bringing them closer to God, as they become more aware and try to maintain the highest level of spirituality; by refraining from sins that they were previously tempted by. Therefore, hajj is a rite of passage as it also transforms individuals’ role in the community as those who have completed hajj are known as ‘hajji’. Therefore, elevating their status and providing an identity to Muslim adherents and the Muslim community.Great! Really excellent conclusion also

Henceforth, hajj is significant to the lives of Muslim adherents and the greater Muslim community, as it provides individuals with the opportunity for spiritual rebirth through developing a closer relationship with Allah. Also, the global Islamic community are united through submission to the will and communal worship of their “one God” Allah. Hence, this act of submission by millions of people through the communal rituals of hajj, evokes widespread attention around the world while providing the evidence of Islam being a living, religious tradition. Excellent conclusion, a good length! I still think you need a tad more focus on Living Religious Tradition, which I know is what you are arguing with the 'significant to the lives' parts, but in my opinion it the Living Religious Tradition part needs to be more than an afterthought in this conclusion.


You have a fantastic essay here carver, well done! It shows a wealth of understanding of Hajj, excellent quote inclusion, and great links to significance for adherent. The links to significance to adherent could be a little stronger in some paragraphs, probably the first and last, just little additions and tweaks will do the trick.

My one piece of advice would be a greater focus on Living Religious Tradition, a religion which plays an active role in the lives of its adherents. This links directly to significance to adherent, of course, but I think a slight re-frame of the argument to place this concept in a more significant position would be beneficial for your essay. Besides this, make sure that your paragraph topic sentences ALWAYS link back to this central argument.

Finally, and I don't think this is necessary, you can consider trying this essay question with all three parts of Islam (Hajj, Personality, Ethic), it would be a good exercise, since you have so much more to talk about. I think choosing Hajj only has the advantage of being more focused, but the disadvantage of having less to talk about and so less ammunition to use in arguments. Might prove an interesting way to practice for you  ;D

In summary, brilliant Carver!! Fantastic job, I love it  :D

Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 22, 2016, 11:15:11 pm
Hello, i have written responses to the two questions, as attached below. Can you please give me some feedback as in, am i answering the question properly. Thanks for any help :D

Hey Kimmie, welcome to the forums! I've attached your responses with some feedback on each, I hope it helps you!

a)   i) Describe the contribution to the development and expression of Christianity of ONE
             significant person OR school of thought, other than Jesus.   (5 marks)                                                                                                                                 

Spoiler
Hildegard contributed significantly to the development and expression of Christianity through her systematic review of the Christian doctrine, achieved through preaching tours, church reform and her publications of art; books, songs, plays and music. She composed music and wrote 70 songs such as ‘o frondens virga’ and thus, developed an alternative way to worship God. Through her various mediums of expressing Christianity, such as her play, ‘Ordo Virtutum,’ she also made religion more accessible to women, the illiterate and the undedicated. By composing hymns in honour of the various saints in the church and the Virgin Mary, she awakened a deeper awareness of imagery and symbolism in the expression of Christianity. Furthermore, by disputing the commonly accepted view of masturbation in medieval times that “excretion of body fluids is a necessity” as outlined in her book, ‘Scivias’, she was one of the first people to take a stand in favour of celibacy. Her 4 public preaching tours in Germany expanded the religion through acquiring convents, and also by revitalising the Christian faith in adherents who had lost their faith. She also stood up against the corruption within the church, challenging people from all social classes to live a life of piety and reform their lives in order to be free from injustice. Thus preaching Jesus’ message of love and equality. Through her tours, she also spoke about the injustices and adversities faced by women which contributed to the acceptance of women in the church for social participation and the interpretation of the scriptures. 

This is great response which shows a wealth of knowledge on Hildegard! You are absolutely hitting the mark on the question. I think what is missing is a final link between the actual development/expression of Christianity, as it affects adherents. You were close, just not quite there. For example, Hildegard's rebellion against the corruption in the Christian Church inspired the community to live a life of piety, clearly reflected in modern Christian ethical teachings. Basically, all I think the response is missing is, yes it affected the development of the church, how does that manifest today? Yes it affected the expression of Christianity, how is the everyday adherent affected by the impact? This is a describe question, so it is not super essential, but if I were to give you something to improve that would be it!

Still wonderful, I'd give it no less than 4 or 5 out of 5!


   ii) Outline the impact the person OR school of thought had on Christianity   (4 marks)

Spoiler
Hildegard not only inspired Christians in medieval times through her intellectual brilliance, her impacts still remain in the modern world. In medieval times, she was believed to be a prophetess and was able to re-inspire faith during times of uncertainty in Europe. Thus, through her visions, she was able to bring the reality of heaven much closer to Christian adherents. Furthermore, her preaching tours in Germany also increased the number of Catholics in Europe. Her greatest impact of reviewing the Christian doctrine and interpreting it has revitalized the Christian faith by challenging old traditions of male dominance in the church and renewing theology. Through a profound grasp of the Scripture and her visions, she explains that a singular male concept of God is no longer suitable. This is shown in the lines, “God is even more so our mother.” Thus, she took part in renewing theology in Christianity. She also continues to inspire modern day Christians through her music. For example, her self-composed music, “Symphonia armoniae” is now used in mass and marriage ceremonies in some churches such as Anglican churches, engaging more adherents and attaching them to Christian rituals.“ Hildegard has also become a figure of reverence within the contemporary New Age movement. For example, a healing centre in Germany called “Hildegard-Medicine” is named after her that focuses on a holistic approach to wellness using herbal remedies and detoxifying methods e.g. cupping.

Another brilliant response! This has the links to the modern adherent I wanted a little more of in the previous response, it is excellent! I would say to add a more conclusive final sentence (EG-"Therefore Hildegard's impact on Christianity is obvious."). Further, notice that you are giving a similar length response for a Describe and Outline question. Be efficient, this question only needs the bare details, you did that and so much more!

This one is, as much as my experience would suggest, definitely a 5/5 and definitely is answering the question.

While I mentioned a few things to work on, I think these are fantastic responses Kimmie, well done!  ;D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 22, 2016, 11:38:09 pm
Hey, I was wondering if i answered the question properly and if it is suitable for a 6/6?


Hey Caitlyn, welcome to the forums! I've given you some of my thoughts below, I hope it helps!  ;D

  Q: Explain ethical teachings of Christianity in ONE of the following areas: -Sexual Ethics (6 marks)

Spoiler

Christian sexual ethics are derived from sources like the Bible and the 10 Commandments, and also from religious authorities. Christian denominations agree on the sentiment that sexual relationships should be for the purpose of procreation and should therefore only occur within a heterosexual, monogamous married couple as an act of love, rather than personal satisfaction.  I love that you are starting with a general statement like this. To improve, try adding the ethical principles that lead to this sentiment, why do Christian denominations agree on this principle?
 
Homosexuality refers to individuals who are attracted to their own gender. The Bible is clear in its stance that homosexuality is a sin (1 Corinthians 6:9-12) and the church has traditionally condemned homosexual relationships with many Christians believing it should continue to do so. However, growing numbers of Christians believe the Church has made a mistake and the church's position should be reformed. With emphasis on marriage and procreation, the Bible is in essence against homosexuality. Jesus quoted Genesis 2:24 in his teaching that sexual intercourse made people 'become one flesh....so they are no longer one but two." This signifies the importance of multiplying with relation to Christian sexual ethics and highlights that homosexuality inhibits procreation, as it can only occur between a man and a women. There are different denominational views on homosexuality in Christianity. The Uniting Church allows for the participation and ordination for homosexuals, whereas Catholics and evangelicals both reject homosexuality with the evangelical rejection being based on the New Testament (Corinthians 6:9-12) and the Catholics further reject homosexual relationships as going against 'natural law', which is procreation. This is solid! A good coverage of homosexuality in terms of Christian ethics, but again, this is an EXPLAIN question. Why are these teachings the case? This is your missing link. Further, perhaps some more detail on denominational differences?
 
Contraception refers to the deliberate use of artificial methods or other techniques to prevent pregnancy as a consequence of sexual intercourse. In the Christian Church contraception is allowed when pregnancy might harm the health of the mother, to limit the number of children in the family or for people who do not want to have children at the present stage in their lives. Other than those reasons Roman Catholics reject most forms of contraception as it contradicts their understanding of natural law, which is procreation. Natural forms of contraception such as the rhythm method are acceptable across all Christians denominations as there is a possibility of conception. The Bible states that 'men and women were made to complement each other' (Genesis 1:28)  and 'increase in number' which signifies the importance of procreation and highlights that contraceptives interfere with the natural order of multiplying. Protestant churches continue to adopt a liberal attitude and permit artificial birth as long as it does not encourage promiscuous behavior whereas Catholics view that contraception should be more tightly controlled as it alienates people from God's intentions of the sexual and procreative processes. Again, really good stuff! You are explaining your ethical issues really well! I would have liked a bit more on denominational difference here though, but a really excellent conclusion!


This is a really good response! You know your ethical issues really well, and I LOVE that you started with a generic overview. I could suggest two areas for improvement:

1 - I don't think the length is quite achievable for an exam. A tad longer than you need to get the full amount of marks! You might have to look at cutting some things to bring it back to something that won't kill your hand on the day, but then I am not a fast writer, just a thought!  :D

2 - This is a really common issue with responding to this question, I did it ALL THE TIME. Basically, you are explaining ethical decisions, not the ethical teachings behind those decisions. This links to my comments above, WHY do Christians have the views on sexuality that they do? The issues like homosexuality and contraception are definitely fantastic to include, but they should be supporting material. So, you need to discuss the ethical principle (supremacy of life, agape, etc), then discuss where it comes from (Bible, Church teaching, etc), then give an example as to how it is applied.

Elyse also explained this really well a little earlier, I hope she doesn't mind if I quote her here  ;D

Quote
The problem with the last two paragraphs is that it doesn't focus on EXPLAINING the ethics of Christianity. Instead, you talk about ethically conflicting situations. Begin your paragraph discussing the ethics, talk about the source, the importance, explain them. Then, only as a supporting argument, should you back them up with examples such as pre-marital sex. I hope this makes sense and doesn't dishearten you. I lost marks in my half yearly because I didn't explain the ethics, I mainly explained ethical decisions. When really, I should have explained ethics, and used the ethical decisions as supporting material. In order of prevalence, I would discuss: The Ethics themselves (quotes to support), the sources of the ethics, the examples of the ethics in reality.

That in mind, I don't think you are quite hitting the mark of the question right now. As such, I don't think it is quite 6/6 just yet, but it is definitely on the right track! You are welcome to make some improvements and send it to us again, we'd love to see you try some of this feedback, because I think you have the start of an awesome response. Great stuff Caitlyn  ;D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: sonyaa_t on March 24, 2016, 12:52:26 pm
Hey there! Welcome to the forum :)

I'll edit this in bold below in the spoiler:

Spoiler
Explain ethical teachings of Christianity in ONE of the following areas: (6 marks)      
      - Sexual ethics

Sexual ethics in Christianity are significant for Christian adherents as they believe sexuality to be a gift from a loving god. Therefore, the idea of procreation is essential in Christianity as expressed through the bible, "Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth.” (Genesis 1:28). Hence, Christians believe it is a special gift from god which must be used well. Also, Christians believe God blesses the practice of sexual intimacy inside marriage, therefore, sexual acts outside marriage in the form of pre-marital or extra-marital sex are absolutely non-permissible. This is described in 1 Corinthians 7:8, 9, about “the unmarried” and “the widows,” that if they “they cannot exercise self-control. Let them marry.” I think you need to explicitly outline the ethics before clouding them with Biblical references, just for the introduction. For example, Christian ethics surround the idea of the right relationship with God, the right relationship with others and oneself. Put that in there. Then be more specific about sexual ethics, like the gift from God idea and the others you've suggested. Your intro should be really short for a 6 marker - so don't worry about impressing with quotes - your body paragraphs will do that work!

Pre-marital sex has not been addressed directly in scripture because in history, people were married at a young age. Perhaps be a little more concise here. Try, "because at the historical stage that the Bible was written, people married at a pre-pubescent or pubescent age, so their marriage coincided with their sexual activity." However, the bible Capital B!) does say that both, man and woman must enter within a virginal state as expressed through Leviticus 21:13 “he shall take a wife in her virginity...” Also, as sex is created by God and sanctified by marriage for the purpose of procreation, premarital sex challenges the correct functioning of this system. The Anglican Church of Australia, while discouraging pre-marital sex, condones pre-marital sex and does not exclude “sinners” from worship. They also do not have the same strong view of the prohibition of marital sex as it is allowed as long as the couple are in a long term and loving relationship. However, all Christian churches do not condone pre-marital sex. Catholic churches teach that sexual love between a man and a woman is reserved to marriage. They are completely against sex before marriage as the Church believes it contradicts moral law and the concept of procreation. Therefore, if a Catholic has sex before marriage they are excluded from the sacrament of communion.

Extra-marital sex is non-permissible in Christianity as it has been directly addressed through “thou shalt not commit adultery” in the Bible’s ‘Ten Commandments.’ Adultery is also one of the most frequently and severely condemned sins as it is mentioned 52 times in the Bible. It is described as an “evil action” that “defiles a person” (Matthew 15) as “God will judge fornicators and adulterers.” (Hebrews 13:4). It also violates the covenant, or contract, agreed to at the start of the marriage to bond “till death do us part.” Thus, due to its seriousness, adultery is prohibited in all denominations, however some may have a stricter attitude towards it. Christian Identity groups, such as the Ku Klux Klan, typically believe interracial marriages to be a form of adultery, whereas this is not the case in the majority of other Christian denominations. For many Christians, particularly the Protestant churches, adultery consists not only of consensual sexual intercourse outside of marriage, but also in “lustful or lewd thoughts” (Matthew 5:28). While Orthodox Christians believe anyone “who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.”(Matthew).

The problem with the last two paragraphs is that it doesn't focus on EXPLAINING the ethics of Christianity. Instead, you talk about ethically conflicting situations. Begin your paragraph discussing the ethics, talk about the source, the importance, explain them. Then, only as a supporting argument, should you back them up with examples such as pre-marital sex. I hope this makes sense and doesn't dishearten you. I lost marks in my half yearly because I didn't explain the ethics, I mainly explained ethical decisions. When really, I should have explained ethics, and used the ethical decisions as supporting material. In order of prevalence, I would discuss: The Ethics themselves (quotes to support), the sources of the ethics, the examples of the ethics in reality.

Hopefully this makes sense Sonya. Your length is fine for a 6 marker, provided that the economy of words is strong. You just need to tweak the angle that you have taken, and then you've got yourself a solid essay! Your knowledge is strong, I don't doubt that for a second! You've got a good sense of how to build up a strong argument. You need to make sure that you really flesh out the ethical teachings before you put anything into practice! If this doesn't quite make sense, please post back and we can discuss further. But hopefully you understand what I'm saying. Don't shy away from contacting me again! :-)


Hey! I attempted to answer the question again. Did i explain the ethics of Christianity well? Also i think im waffling on certain parts :/ any feedback would be appreciated :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on March 24, 2016, 02:02:46 pm

Hey! I attempted to answer the question again. Did i explain the ethics of Christianity well? Also i think im waffling on certain parts :/ any feedback would be appreciated :)

Hey! Welcome back :) It makes me really happy when people take feedback, alter their work, and come back again!
Here is your original work:
Spoiler
Christian sexual ethics surround the idea of the right relationship with God, the right relationship with others and oneself. As Christian adherents believe sexuality to be a gift from a loving god, God blesses the practice of sexual intimacy inside a monogamous, heterosexual marriage. That is, adherents believe sex is sanctified by marriage for the sole purpose of procreation. Therefore, sexual immoralities such as adultery and pre-marital sex are non-permissible in Christianity.   

The life and ministry of Jesus provides a model for life action of Christians. This is reflected in the Christian ethos of ‘agape,’ love which is selfless, sacrificial, and unconditional. Essentially, Christians are encouraged to enjoy sexual relations within the confines of a loving, adult, heterosexual, married relationship. Therefore, having sexual intercourse with anyone else other than your spouse is considered a great sin according to Christianity. However, adultery is described not just physical, but can happen in your mind, with the internet, magazines, movies, or people. As expressed in the Bible, Matthew 5:27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” The Ten Commandments also forbid lust through “you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife,” (Exodus 20:17). Therefore, as marriage is sacred, being faithful with your spouse is significant because adultery is described as an “evil action” that “defiles a person” (Matthew 15). It also violates the covenant, or contract, agreed to at the start of the marriage to bond “till death do us part.” In addition, God warns people through the Bible, “he who does so destroys his own soul” (proverbs). Hence, due to its seriousness, adultery is prohibited in all denominations.
The Beatitudes which describes a life directed towards holiness is regarded as a foundational passage for Christian ethics. Therefore, in order to maintain a state of holiness, a Christian must “flee from sexual immorality” (1 Corinthians 6:18) e.g. pre-marital sex. At the historical stage that the Bible was written, people married at a pre-pubescent or pubescent age, so their marriage coincided with their sexual activity, hence, this issue has not been directly addressed in scripture. However, the Bible does say that both, man and woman must enter within a virginal state as expressed through Leviticus 21:13 “he shall take a wife in her virginity...” Also, as sex is created by God and sanctified by marriage for the purpose of procreation, premarital sex challenges the correct functioning of this system. The Anglican Church of Australia, while discouraging pre-marital sex, condones pre-marital sex and does not exclude “sinners” from worship. They also do not have the same strong view of the prohibition of marital sex as it is allowed as long as the couple are in a long term and loving relationship. However, all Christian churches do not condone pre-marital sex. Catholic churches teach that sexual love between a man and a woman is reserved to marriage. They are completely against sex before marriage as the Church believes it contradicts moral law and the concept of procreation. Therefore, if a Catholic has sex before marriage they are excluded from the sacrament of communion.

Here is your work with my annotations made in bold font:
Spoiler
Christian sexual ethics surround the idea of the right relationship with God, the right relationship with others and oneself. YEEE-HAA! Now we are talking :) As Christian adherents believe sexuality to be a gift from a loving god, God blesses the practice of sexual intimacy inside a monogamous, heterosexual marriage. That is, adherents believe sex is sanctified by marriage for the sole purpose of procreation. Therefore, sexual immoralities such as adultery and pre-marital sex are non-permissible in Christianity. 

The life and ministry of Jesus provides a model for life actions of Christians. This is reflected in the Christian ethos of ‘agape,’ love which is selfless, sacrificial, and unconditional. Essentially, Christians are encouraged to enjoy sexual relations within the confines of a loving, adult, heterosexual, married relationship. Therefore, having sexual intercourse with anyone else other than your spouse is considered a great sin according to Christianity (Here, I would specify the exact location of your argument. The Bible? Church documents? Encyclicals (although they are more Catholic)?. However, adultery is described not just physical, but can happen in your mind, with the internet, magazines, movies, or people. As expressed in the Bible, Matthew 5:27 “You have heard that it was said, ‘Do not commit adultery.’ But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” The Ten Commandments also forbid lust through “you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife,” (Exodus 20:17). Perfect! The 10 Commandments is a core source of ethics in Christianity.Therefore, as marriage is sacred, being faithful with your spouse is significant because adultery is described as an “evil action” that “defiles a person” (Matthew 15).(These quotes are awesome) It also violates the covenant, or contract, agreed to at the start of the marriage to bond “till death do us part.” (Now, not all marriages say this in the ceremony. If you can link it to a Church doc that says that it should be stated, that's even better! In addition, God warns people through the Bible, “he who does so destroys his own soul” (proverbs). Hence, due to its seriousness, adultery is prohibited in all denominations. At the end of the introduction I was left wishing that I had more of a fleshing out of what the right relationship with God, others and yourself means. I thought, mm, maybe it will be in the next paragraph. Not yet. I will comment on this at the end :)
The Beatitudes which describes a life directed towards holiness is regarded as a foundational passage for Christian ethics. YAY!!! Source of ethical teachings!Therefore, in order to maintain a state of holiness, a Christian must “flee from sexual immorality” (1 Corinthians 6:18) e.g. pre-marital sex. At the historical stage that the Bible was written, people married at a pre-pubescent or pubescent age, so their marriage coincided with their sexual activity, hence, this issue has not been directly addressed in scripture. Awesome!However, the Bible does say that both, man and woman must enter within a virginal state as expressed through Leviticus 21:13 “he shall take a wife in her virginity...” Also, as sex is created by God and sanctified by marriage for the purpose of procreation, premarital sex challenges the correct functioning of this system. The Anglican Church of Australia, while discouraging pre-marital sex, condones pre-marital sex and does not exclude “sinners” from worship. They also do not have the same strong view of the prohibition of marital sex as it is allowed as long as the couple are in a long term and loving relationship. However, all Christian churches do not condone pre-marital sex. Catholic churches teach that sexual love between a man and a woman is reserved to marriage. They are completely against sex before marriage as the Church believes it contradicts moral law and the concept of procreation. Therefore, if a Catholic has sex before marriage they are excluded from the sacrament of communion.

Okay, so this is sooooo much better! You should feel really pleased. Still, there is a tendency to not exactly flesh out the ethical teachings enough.

So, you need to consistently link things to the three right relationships. This is as simple as saying a Bible quote, expressing the ethics taught their, then saying that by following this Biblical instruction, Christians maintain a correct relationship with God. By entering a marriage virginal, as directed by the Bible, they are maintaining the right relationship with each other because they have respected themselves and their partners in the eyes of a Christian view. And ultimately, by following these ethical decisions and returning to the sources of teachings, Christians are maintaining the right relationship with themselves because their spiritual mind is in touch with their actions. Obviously, you'd need to tidy this up to add to a response   :P

A 6 marker shouldn't be long. So if you have to cut something, make it an example of ethics in practice.

The three types of right relationships should be maintained in each paragraph. Also, the Commandment of Love is so important. Add that in there with good insight and then you've ticked the boxes of Bible, Beatitudes, 10 Commandments, Commandment of Love! Beautiful! So, you're nearly there. There is a little waffle. To stop this, make sure that every point you make directly relates a source of ethical teaching, an ethical teaching and then only if you really want to, an ethical teaching in practice! The application of teachings shouldn't saturate your response :) You should be saturating it explaining the ethical teachings! That needs far more prevalence :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: Lucienne.pacifique on March 25, 2016, 08:55:56 am
Hi! love what you're doing here. Could you please give me some feedback on this essay i did for bioethics?


Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. For the commandments, “You shall not commit adultery, You shall not murder, You shall not steal, You shall not covet,” and any other commandment, are summed up in this word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.                                                                                        Romans 13:8-10
 

Describe Christian ethical teachings on ONE of the following;
- Sexual Ethics
- Bioethics
- Environmental Ethics

 
Christian ethical teachings have great importance for the adherents. As represented in Romans 13: 8-10 the scriptures are provided as the sources of ethical teachings and provide ethical guidelines for adherents along with the Authority of the Church.  The ethical teachings also provide a guide when considering bioethical issues such as IVF, Stem Cell Research and Euthanasia.
 
Christian ethical teachings outline the reasons and provide a stance regarding Stem Cell Research. There are two types of stem cells that can be used to assist the treatment of medical conditions such as heart disease and neurological diseases and they are Embryonic Stem Cells and Adult Stem Cells. Embryonic Stem Cells involves harvesting of cells from an embryo. In order to harvest the cells, the embryo is destroyed; therefore all Christian churches are against this method of harvesting stem cells. The reasons for this are represented within the ethical teachings of Christianity. Firstly represented in the scripture, Jeremiah 1:4-5, which states “Now the word of the Lord came to me, saying, ”Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. This is again represented in the Catechism of the Catholic Church #2270, which states, “Human life must be respected and protected absolutely from the moment of conception”. As a response the leaders from the main Christian churches, made a statement regarding this issue, “Our community must determine appropriate standards for medical research involving human subjects. We ask our political leaders to have regard for the sacredness of all human beings, of whatever level of maturity, dependency or ability. We ask them to support adult stem cell research and to reject a policy of destroying some to treat others”. The ethical teachings therefore oppose the action of embryonic stem cell research thus making the process immoral according to the Christian Church and all its variants. Therefore, Christian ethical teachings provide guidance when considering Embryonic Stem Cell treatment.
 
Moreover, the ethical teachings also relate to Euthanasia. All Christian churches reject Euthanasia, the argument being that God is the author of all life and to take life is to challenge the divine plan of the creator. This Christian ethical teaching is underpinned by the notion of the sanctity of life. This is primarily represented in the Ten Commandments, which gives evidence of the immoral nature according to Christians. The 5th commandment states, “Thou shall not kill”. Furthermore, Christ’s commandment of love: “If one loves one’s neighbour as oneself then the taking of life is not possible”, thus meaning that it is not appropriate to assist in Euthanasia. The Anglican Church’s response outlines the Christian churches overall response as the 2010 General Synod of Australia of the Anglican Church affirms the sanctity of life, that life is God’s gift and that our task is to protect, nurture and sustain life to the best of our ability. It also notes that, when adequate palliative care, symptom control and psychosocial support is available and accessible, only a tiny minority of those accessing such support express a preference for euthanasia. Thus, through the link of Christian ethical teachings, Euthanasia is opposed of.
 
Finally, through introspection of scripture, most Christian denominations oppose IVF. In vitro fertilization is the technique that fertilizes the woman’s egg outside of the body. Fertilised embryos are transferred 5 days later into the uterus in attempt to receive a successful pregnancy. This bioethical issue varies from other as only some Christian denominations are opposed to IVF. Variants such as Anglican are not completely opposed to IVF if it is within a marriage between a man and a woman and does not include a third party. However, the Roman Catholic Church verifies their stance through scripture. Firstly, in Genesis 1:27-28, which states, “Made in the image and likeness of God, be fruitful and multiply” and furthermore in Mark 10:9-10, “The two are no longer to but one flesh”. This text supports the sanctity of marriage and confirms the fact that interference in the marriage act by outsiders is not permissible. Within the variant’s responses, the Roman Catholic Church has adopted the strictest position, opposing all forms of IVF and artificial insemination within and outside the marriage relationship. It states three reasons for its position. This includes, removing conception from the sexual act of love separates the procreative and unitive purposes of married human sexuality, foetal manipulation and experimentation violate human dignity and right to life of the embryos that are either implanted in the mother’s uterus, or destroyed by foetal reduction and IVF procedures violate the principle of stewardship by entrusting the life and identity of the embryo to the power of medical professionals. Therefore concluding, that ethical teachings provide a stance on the bioethical issue of IVF.
 
In essence, ethical teachings are held relevant. As represented within Romans 13: 8-10, Christian ethical teachings hold relevance to the lives of adherents, whereby they must consider them when undertaking life decisions. Thus, Christian denominations have applied this when considering bioethical issues.
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 26, 2016, 01:18:40 am

Hi! love what you're doing here. Could you please give me some feedback on this essay i did for bioethics?

Hey there Lucienne! Welcome to the forums, I'd love to give you some feedback!  ;D I've attached it in a spoiler below with some comments throughout.

However, I want to start by saying that I'm not marking this with respect to the question. The question asks for a description, I would never expect you to have to write an essay on a describe question. Not enough to work with! You'll get something like explain or analyse, or perhaps even assess. So, I'm just going to read the essay and mark it on its merits, I hope that is okay!  ;D

Owe no one anything, except to love each other, for the one who loves another has fulfilled the law. For the commandments, “You shall not commit adultery, You shall not murder, You shall not steal, You shall not covet,” and any other commandment, are summed up in this word: “You shall love your neighbor as yourself.” Love does no wrong to a neighbor; therefore love is the fulfilling of the law.                                                                                        Romans 13:8-10

Describe Christian ethical teachings on Bioethics
 
Spoiler
Christian ethical teachings have great importance for the adherents. As represented in Romans 13: 8-10 the scriptures are provided as the sources of ethical teachings and provide ethical guidelines for adherents along with the Authority of the Church.  The ethical teachings also provide a guide when considering bioethical issues such as IVF, Stem Cell Research and Euthanasia.I love that you are clearly setting out the argument here! For questions requiring something more than description, you would require some more detail, perhaps an assessment for how relevant the teachings are for the modern adherent? This works great as a skeleton, add what you need to address a more complex question and you are set!
 
Christian ethical teachings outline the reasons and provide a stance regarding Stem Cell Research. I would be keen to see something more here, try linking to the adherent like you did in the introduction! There are two types of stem cells that can be used to assist the treatment of medical conditions such as heart disease and neurological diseases and they are Embryonic Stem Cells and Adult Stem Cells. Embryonic Stem Cells involves harvesting of cells from an embryo. In order to harvest the cells, the embryo is destroyed; therefore all Christian churches are against this method of harvesting stem cells. This description of embryo cells is a little unnecessary for the essay, keep the focus on the ethics themselves! The reasons for this are represented within the ethical teachings of Christianity. Firstly represented in the scripture, Jeremiah 1:4-5, which states “Now the word of the Lord came to me, saying, ”Before I formed you in the womb I knew you”. This is again represented in the Catechism of the Catholic Church #2270, which states, “Human life must be respected and protected absolutely from the moment of conception”. As a response the leaders from the main Christian churches, made a statement regarding this issue, “Our community must determine appropriate standards for medical research involving human subjects. We ask our political leaders to have regard for the sacredness of all human beings, of whatever level of maturity, dependency or ability. We ask them to support adult stem cell research and to reject a policy of destroying some to treat others”. The ethical teachings therefore oppose the action of embryonic stem cell research thus making the process immoral according to the Christian Church and all its variants. Therefore, Christian ethical teachings provide guidance when considering Embryonic Stem Cell treatment.You are incorporating teachings into your paragraph extremely well! Again, try linking to the adherent a little more. Your specific question didn't demand it, but almost every essay will, be sure to discuss in detail how the teachings impact on the adherent (EG - examples of how they could be used to resolve ethical dilemmas or more intricate details, would someone who undergoes stem cell treatment be forgiven by the Church community? What is the more important?).
 
Moreover, the ethical teachings also relate to Euthanasia. All Christian churches reject Euthanasia, the argument being that God is the author of all life and to take life is to challenge the divine plan of the creator. This Christian ethical teaching is underpinned by the notion of the sanctity of life. This is more like what I would like to see in paragraph one! You are doing more than just listing the teachings, you are EXPLAINING them, which is awesome! This is primarily represented in the Ten Commandments, which gives evidence of the immoral nature according to Christians. The 5th commandment states, “Thou shall not kill”. Furthermore, Christ’s commandment of love: “If one loves one’s neighbour as oneself then the taking of life is not possible”, thus meaning that it is not appropriate to assist in Euthanasia. The Anglican Church’s response outlines the Christian churches overall response as the 2010 General Synod of Australia of the Anglican Church affirms the sanctity of life, that life is God’s gift and that our task is to protect, nurture and sustain life to the best of our ability. It also notes that, when adequate palliative care, symptom control and psychosocial support is available and accessible, only a tiny minority of those accessing such support express a preference for euthanasia. Thus, through the link of Christian ethical teachings, Euthanasia is opposed of. This paragraph is fantastic! Great explanation of Euthanasia. Again, try to link to the adherent a little more. What ethical principles should the modern Christian apply when considering a situation involving Euthanasia? Are the teachings relevant, or somewhat ineffective?
 
Finally, through introspection of scripture, most Christian denominations oppose IVF. In vitro fertilization is the technique that fertilizes the woman’s egg outside of the body. Fertilised embryos are transferred 5 days later into the uterus in attempt to receive a successful pregnancy. Again, explanation not necessary (beyond perhaps that first sentence, very basic is okay! This bioethical issue varies from other as only some Christian denominations are opposed to IVF. Variants such as Anglican are not completely opposed to IVF if it is within a marriage between a man and a woman and does not include a third party. However, the Roman Catholic Church verifies their stance through scripture. I love that you are going into denominational differences, it is tough to do, but you are making nice comparisons!! Firstly, in Genesis 1:27-28, which states, “Made in the image and likeness of God, be fruitful and multiply” and furthermore in Mark 10:9-10, “The two are no longer to but one flesh”. What ethical principles do these relate to? This text supports the sanctity of marriage and confirms the fact that interference in the marriage act by outsiders is not permissible. Within the variant’s responses, the Roman Catholic Church has adopted the strictest position, opposing all forms of IVF and artificial insemination within and outside the marriage relationship. It states three reasons for its position. This includes, removing conception from the sexual act of love separates the procreative and unitive purposes of married human sexuality, foetal manipulation and experimentation violate human dignity and right to life of the embryos that are either implanted in the mother’s uterus, or destroyed by foetal reduction and IVF procedures violate the principle of stewardship by entrusting the life and identity of the embryo to the power of medical professionals. I like that you are bringing in the ethical principles (right to life, human dignity). Maybe try linking to the specific differences in ethics between Anglicans and Catholics which causes these different stances? Therefore concluding, that ethical teachings provide a stance on the bioethical issue of IVF.This conclusion could be stronger, maybe try linking to the adherent? "Therefore, the adherents of the various Christian denominations are enabled to make informed decisions through ethical principles relevant to their individual beliefs." Something like that?
 
In essence, ethical teachings are held relevant. As represented within Romans 13: 8-10, Christian ethical teachings hold relevance to the lives of adherents, whereby they must consider them when undertaking life decisions. Thus, Christian denominations have applied this when considering bioethical issues. A solid conclusion. Again, your conceptual base could be a little stronger, but this would come with specifically answering whatever question you were given/

This essay has awesome structure and great examples from sacred texts! You make comparisons between denominations really well (hard to do), and you've explained the teachings in places as well.

As I mentioned above, giving you places to improve here is hard, because you definitely answered the describe question. However, an essay will almost definitely ask you to do more.

I'd see two more areas in which you might need to add a little more detail. The first is explaining the teachings. This means, okay, we have a teaching on Euthanasia, but it is based on the ethical principles of the sanctity of life and human dignity. This shows that not only have you considered the teachings, but where they have come from. This would be necessary in an explain question.

Further, an essay question will quite often ask you to make an assessment or discussion of the importance of the ethical teachings for the adherent. You are already linking to the adherent in places, but be sure to make it the focus of your essay if necessary! This would simply be done by taking an ethical teaching, explaining the principle, and making an observation as to how it is applied in modern situations. EG - The Christian principle of agape, as preached by Christ in "INSERT SCRIPTURE", is notable in the more 'lenient' response of newer Christian denominations to abortion, such as protestant churches. I've identified a principle, shown where it appears, then how it manifests today. That is where you need to go next to push your essay higher.

These are the two areas I'd recommend exploring some more in your essay. Saying that, this is a fantastic base with some great examples. Well done!  ;D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: Scarlet on March 26, 2016, 11:45:00 pm
Hi ! I have a not quite finished response here that I need some feedback on.
I'm not sure if i'm answering the question at all and I don't know if it will achieve 7/7 marks.
Also would it be better to focus on two ethical teachings on my two bioethics or should I have a range ?
P.S I'm pretty sure my response is way toooo long and i'm working on cutting it down.

Thanks !!
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 29, 2016, 06:32:39 pm
Hi ! I have a not quite finished response here that I need some feedback on.
I'm not sure if i'm answering the question at all and I don't know if it will achieve 7/7 marks.
Also would it be better to focus on two ethical teachings on my two bioethics or should I have a range ?
P.S I'm pretty sure my response is way toooo long and i'm working on cutting it down.

Thanks !!

Hi Scarlet!

Okay, so I’ve read over your response. Since you’ve password protected your file I’m going to assume that you don’t want it viewed by the public. I can give you some general feedback just this once, but to make full use of the service next time, you’ll have to allow everyone to view the response! Don’t worry, it is still definitely YOUR work, you are just contributing it as a tool for everyones learning, and in exchange, you get some awesome feedback! Win win  ;D

So, now to feedback. This is a GREAT response, if only too long (which you’ve said you’ll work on, for 7 marks you are aiming for about 1-1.5 written pages). To help you with cutting some words out, remember the focus of the question is on EXPLANATION of ethical teachings. What this means is, for example, “WHY are the ethical teachings the way they are for abortion?"

The focus for this question is the PRINCIPLES, rather than the teachings. The core values of Judaism which are then applied to Bioethics; you are explaining WHY these core values have resulted in the current teachings.

You are already doing this, so yes, you are answering the question. For example, when you discuss the teachings of Tikkun Olam, and the “principles of Bioethics,” you are explaining the reasons behind the teachings. Brilliant! There were, however, one or two spots in the response where you give a teaching without touching on the reasons for said teaching. Instead of explaining, you are instead just describing. Taking out that sort of irrelevant information could help you cut back your word limit. You could also take out the introduction if necessary.

An alternative structure could be:

PARAGRAPH ONE: One major aspect of Jewish bioethics is the principle that “all life belongs to God.” This principle is enshrined in sacred text (insert quote), and manifests in a variety of ethical teachings. For example, the Jewish ethical stance on abortion…"

PARAGRAPH TWO: Another major aspect of Jewish bioethics is...

Doing this would cut some words and shift the focus to the principles. Totally not necessary, just an idea if this structure proves difficult to cut down. It would also allow you to include more issues, but I think this structure works well also. Much a personal preference.

All in all, an absolutely wonderful response. I'm be thinking it close to 7/7, but not quite, maybe a 6/7? Ensuring you focus on EXPLANATION of the REASONS for each ethical stance will push you to a 7/7. Great work!  ;D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: vwarner on March 30, 2016, 10:30:48 am
Hi, I was wondering if you could mark my religion essay on Maimonides.
I know my essay is too long so could I have help on cutting down my words?
Thank you so much!  :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 30, 2016, 09:06:13 pm
Hi, I was wondering if you could mark my religion essay on Maimonides.
I know my essay is too long so could I have help on cutting down my words?
Thank you so much!  :)

Hey vwarner! Welcome to the forums  ;D I'd love to! I've attached your essay below with some helpful comments:

Spoiler
JUDAISM – MAIMONIDES
“Religious traditions change over time, often due to the influence of specific individuals or schools of thought. These individuals or ideas may offer new interpretations and redirect the future path of the religion.”
Analyse the above statement, referring to a significant person (Moses Maimonides) or school of thought other than Abraham or Moses.


Moses Maimonides (Rabbi Moshe ben Maimon) is extremely influential as he offered new interpretations of Jewish beliefs and sacred texts. He redirected the path of Judaism by strengthening it against threats from the Almohads and classical philosophy. Without Maimonides contributions, Judaism may have died out and not be the living religious tradition it is today. A living religious tradition is one that is dynamic and changes according to the needs of its time and followers, without losing the central ideas. I feel the order of your sentences here is slightly off, I think this should be your first sentence! If you want to focus on living religious traditions (awesome idea), you should put it first. Maimonides encompassed all these aspects of a living religion, thus having a massive effect on past and present adherents through his ‘Mishneh Torah’, ‘Commentary on the Mishneh’ (Perush Ha-Mishnayot), and ‘The Guide to the Perplexed’ (Moreh Nevuchim). These writings combined with his strong leadership, helped strengthen Judaism by making it accessible to Jews in all different contexts. His significance is shown through his tombstone which says,
“From Moshe to Moshe, there arose none like Moshe.”
‘None’ suggests that Maimonides is irreplaceable and emphasises his status as the second Moses. A good introduction! I think all the pieces are here, maybe just need to be reordered. Try starting with a more conceptual statement, relating to the quote, like your living religious tradition statement. Start abstract, then say how YOUR personality demonstrates the required idea. I also think you need a concluding sentence to hammer home your main idea, I'm not sure whether your essay is focusing on living religious tradition, or just contribution. Finally, quotes don't need new lines in essays  ;D

Maimonides offered new interpretations of Jewish law and guidance through his ‘Mishneh Torah’, where he ordered and clarified the complex Talmud into simpler form. In your topic sentences, try to link to the quote/main idea! This was the first systematic and comprehensive codification of the entire Jewish law. The ‘Mishneh Torah’ included mitzvot that cannot be observed until the Messiah comes, which allows Judaism to be altered to suit adherents in each time period. Even though Maimonides facilitated and enhanced study of the Torah through the ‘Mishneh Torah’, it aroused opposition as some believed it diminished the importance of the Talmud. This is because Maimonides didn’t use references and in the introduction he gave the impression of wanting to cut out study of the Talmud as he said
“…A person who first reads the Written Torah and then this work will know from it the whole of the Oral Torah”.
From this statement some assumed that Maimonides wanted to weaken the Talmud. However, most people realised that it made studying Judaism easier, especially as it was written in Hebrew. The last 2-3 sentences have discussed something irrelevant to the question. Be sure to focus on the impact on the religion/adherent, how is Judaism different TODAY because of the Mishneh Torah, or HOW did it change Jewish history? Through the Mishneh Torah he offered new interpretations of the Torah and the Talmud, making them more accessible for both scholars and everyday Jews. It consolidated adherents in an Islamic-dominated society, redirecting the path of Judaism by preventing Jews from converting to Islam and therefore allowing the religion to continue. In modern day, Jews who don’t have the time or effort to read the Talmud can still learn about the major beliefs and laws in the ‘Mishneh Torah.’ Without Maimonides new interpretation, people may have viewed the laws and guidance as too outdated to for modern society, so Judaism would no longer be a living religious tradition. This once again reveals how Maimonides redirected the future of Judaism. Awesome finish, wow you turned that paragraph around spectacularly! Everything beyond my prior comment is fantastic, if you are looking for words to trim, there is an answer.

Maimonides offered fresh interpretations of Judaism through his ‘Commentary on the Mishneh’ (Perush ha-mishnayot). Same issue as before, but also, try to work on a new wording for your topic sentence! The same 'interpretations' sentence over and over becomes a little repetitive for the marker. In this work he gathered the binding laws from the Talmud and explained the meaning of each mitzvot, outside the context of rabbinical discussion. It linked learning the Torah and putting the laws into practice. This redirected the path of Judaism as it made the Torah more accessible, as it was clear, concise, and designed to be understood by all Jews; past and present. Fantastic! This last sentence should be the focus, you could trim the prior two into one? This work included Maimonides ’13 principles of faith’ which gave Jews simple statements of belief. At first the principles were controversial, but they eventually formed the basis of various Jewish creeds, and are added to editions of the Talmud today, showing how he redirected Judaism. Cool! The first five principles talk about the existence of God so they reaffirm his oneness, incorporeality and eternity. The next four principles deal with God giving his law to Moses, strengthening the belief in the Covenant and the divinely inspired moral law. The last few deal with God’s omniscience and the coming of the Messiah (which reform and conservative Jews don’t believe in). Through these principles he redirected the future path of Judaism as even modern Jews can relate to them as their major beliefs are highlighted in a universal sense.This paragraph is much more focused than the last, still take care to continue focusing on how the personality has made an observable impact on Judaism! You do not need to describe his work in great depth, just the impact.

Maimonides innovative philosophical work ‘The Guide to the Perplexed’ (Moreh Nevuchim) was extremely important as he showed that science and religion could co-exist; a completely new concept. This strengthened the validity of Judaism against threats of classical philosophy, such as Aristotle. While this absolutely brilliant as a concept, you need to link back to the main idea straight away! He redirected the path of Judaism as without this interpretation Judaism would’ve been undermined, and the religion may have dissipated. Some Scholars saw contradictions in Jewish theory, specifically God’s incorporeality in contrast to the anthropomorphic depictions of God in sacred texts. However Maimonides validated Judaism by explaining that where religious doctrine is incompatible with logic, it should not be taken literally. This reinforces the belief in one God as he showed that God is eternal, omnipresent, omnipotent and pure spirit, by saying that phrases such as ‘the finger of god’ should be interpreted figuratively. By making Judaism and science complementary, he consolidated and redirected Judaism in a time of division between Sephardic and Ashkenazic Jews. Fabulous! Are there actual ways we can see these impacts today? There was controversy surrounding the work as some believed that Maimonides was undermining Judaism by emphasising the rational. However, this work made the irrational, rational, redirecting the faith by preventing it from potential collapse. Maimonides impact can be seen through Soviet scholar Vitali Naumkin who said
Maimonides is perhaps the only philosopher…who symbolises a confluence of four cultures…”
This quote establishes that Maimonides has been widely appreciated by scholars many years later in Jewish and non-Jewish societies. His impact is seen through famous Christian scholar Thomas Aquinas using Maimonides’ theories as a basis for his own writings. THis paragraph is again fantastic, but it needs a conclusion like the first two!

In Maimonides’ ‘Book of Commandments’ (Sefer–Ha–Mitzvot) he listed and defined the 613 commandments simply and clearly. He organized the mitzvot into positive (e.g. ‘And you shall love God, your Lord) and negative (e.g. ‘do not murder’), helping Jews understand how to live life morally and have a good relationship with God. By following the moral laws, Jews adhere to the Covenant which is the cornerstone of Judaism. Through his interpretation of the Covenant, Maimonides redirected the future of Judaism by keeping the faith strong against threats from the Almohads. Maimonides helped Judaism be a dynamic religion today as the commandments still apply to modern society, and can help current adherents with decision making. As I read, I am realising that I am wanting some more concrete examples of how Judaism TODAY has been impacted by the personality. Are there any significant practices influenced by his writings? Any ethical teachings which stem specifically from his work? You are doing this in places, but not everywhere.

In addition to his works, Maimonides offered new interpretations of solving community issues when became a Nagid in Egypt. People wrote to him for advice on how to manage their communities, and he wrote various responses (teshuvot), displaying his leadership. His responses helped Judaism stay strong against Almohad invasion, redirecting Judaism by preventing it from dying out. Maimonides also formed a ‘Golden Ladder of charity’ where he ranked tzedakah (charity) actions from most to least honourable. This solidified Jews’ idea of ‘deed before creed’ and reinforced the core ethical teaching of Tikkun Olam, once again strengthening Judaism. Maimonides’ impact on Judaism was seen when he died because Egyptian Jews endured three days of mourning and applied his death to the verse
“The ark of the Lord has been taken”
By referring to the ‘ark’ which is the vessel for the Covenant between God and Moses, it highlights his high status by showing that he has the ability to explain the Covenant and interpret the Lord’s message. Maimonides new interpretations had a huge impact on Judaism, shown by many referring to him as ‘Nesher Gadol’ (The Great Eagle), which reflects his unique ability to perceive the big picture. I would say, in an essay based on writings, this paragraph seems out of place by itself. 4 paragraphs on writings, then one on something else, seems a little out of balance!

Maimonides works offered new interpretations of Judaism’s beliefs, which redirected the future path of the religion by helping it stay significant through different time periods. Without Maimonides’ writings and leadership, it is unlikely Judaism would be the living religious tradition it is today. Through his clear ordering and meaningful analysis of Jewish texts, Maimonides consolidated Judaism in a time of threats from the Almohads and classical philosophy. Maimonides effect on Judaism is still evident today, with major beliefs of Judaism enforced, and many adherents following his guidance. This is a great conclusion! The only thing I'd suggest is perhaps incorporating dynamic/living religious tradition, you use it in the introduction and throughout the essay, be sure to re-emphasise it now.

This is a great essay!  ;D you have some really sophisticated analysis of the writings involved, some awesome ideas, and lots of examples  ;D

Some things I'd say you could do to improve:

- I think your introduction needs some work to have a clear Thesis. You touch on a few different things, I'm looking for a focused and centralised Thesis, which will in this case need to work with the quote. Rework what you have and try to make everything a little more focused, don't stray over to living religious tradition after discussing contribution, link the two!
- While you have a wealth of examples, there are areas where I think you need to flesh out your ideas a little more. When you say "strengthened Judaism" or "redirected Judaism", you need to give me specifics. Exactly what about Jewish history was changed. And, something I didn't get too much detail for, how is the MODERN adherent affected? I know the focus of this question is history, but this is still important, especially if you are going down the living religious tradition path.
- Some of your detail is irrelevant, if it doesn't relate to the impact on the religion, then you can cut it out. This should help you bring your word limit down (PS - you are at about 1300 words, I'd be looking to cut this to 1000 words to start, and then lower as determined by your writing speed).
- Your final paragraph feels out of place, since everything else is on writings. I would keep the focus there, UNLESS you can create a better balance.

So in summary, you have fantastic ideas, but I'd say that your essay needs a stronger central argument/Thesis (which you should aim to back up in your topic sentences and conclusions), and some more detail away from description of work and more towards the IMPACTS themselves. That said, this is a great essay, and with a bit of work I think you have a winner her. Well done!  ;D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: Scarlet on March 31, 2016, 11:19:13 am
Hi Scarlet!

Okay, so I’ve read over your response. Since you’ve password protected your file I’m going to assume that you don’t want it viewed by the public. I can give you some general feedback just this once, but to make full use of the service next time, you’ll have to allow everyone to view the response! Don’t worry, it is still definitely YOUR work, you are just contributing it as a tool for everyones learning, and in exchange, you get some awesome feedback! Win win  ;D

So, now to feedback. This is a GREAT response, if only too long (which you’ve said you’ll work on, for 7 marks you are aiming for about 1-1.5 written pages). To help you with cutting some words out, remember the focus of the question is on EXPLANATION of ethical teachings. What this means is, for example, “WHY are the ethical teachings the way they are for abortion?"

The focus for this question is the PRINCIPLES, rather than the teachings. The core values of Judaism which are then applied to Bioethics; you are explaining WHY these core values have resulted in the current teachings.

You are already doing this, so yes, you are answering the question. For example, when you discuss the teachings of Tikkun Olam, and the “principles of Bioethics,” you are explaining the reasons behind the teachings. Brilliant! There were, however, one or two spots in the response where you give a teaching without touching on the reasons for said teaching. Instead of explaining, you are instead just describing. Taking out that sort of irrelevant information could help you cut back your word limit. You could also take out the introduction if necessary.

An alternative structure could be:

PARAGRAPH ONE: One major aspect of Jewish bioethics is the principle that “all life belongs to God.” This principle is enshrined in sacred text (insert quote), and manifests in a variety of ethical teachings. For example, the Jewish ethical stance on abortion…"

PARAGRAPH TWO: Another major aspect of Jewish bioethics is...

Doing this would cut some words and shift the focus to the principles. Totally not necessary, just an idea if this structure proves difficult to cut down. It would also allow you to include more issues, but I think this structure works well also. Much a personal preference.

All in all, an absolutely wonderful response. I'm be thinking it close to 7/7, but not quite, maybe a 6/7? Ensuring you focus on EXPLANATION of the REASONS for each ethical stance will push you to a 7/7. Great work!  ;D

Thank you for the feedback !  :)
I'll work on cutting out the unnecessary parts and focusing on the principles.
I've just uploaded the unlocked version for everyone.
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 31, 2016, 08:03:27 pm
Thank you for the feedback !  :)
I'll work on cutting out the unnecessary parts and focusing on the principles.
I've just uploaded the unlocked version for everyone.

You are a legend! Be sure to upload an updated version and we'd be happy to give you some feedback on the new version too  ;D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: vwarner on April 12, 2016, 08:59:59 pm
Hey vwarner! Welcome to the forums  ;D I'd love to! I've attached your essay below with some helpful comments:

Spoiler
JUDAISM – MAIMONIDES
“Religious traditions change over time, often due to the influence of specific individuals or schools of thought. These individuals or ideas may offer new interpretations and redirect the future path of the religion.”
Analyse the above statement, referring to a significant person (Moses Maimonides) or school of thought other than Abraham or Moses.


Moses Maimonides (Rabbi Moshe ben Maimon) is extremely influential as he offered new interpretations of Jewish beliefs and sacred texts. He redirected the path of Judaism by strengthening it against threats from the Almohads and classical philosophy. Without Maimonides contributions, Judaism may have died out and not be the living religious tradition it is today. A living religious tradition is one that is dynamic and changes according to the needs of its time and followers, without losing the central ideas. I feel the order of your sentences here is slightly off, I think this should be your first sentence! If you want to focus on living religious traditions (awesome idea), you should put it first. Maimonides encompassed all these aspects of a living religion, thus having a massive effect on past and present adherents through his ‘Mishneh Torah’, ‘Commentary on the Mishneh’ (Perush Ha-Mishnayot), and ‘The Guide to the Perplexed’ (Moreh Nevuchim). These writings combined with his strong leadership, helped strengthen Judaism by making it accessible to Jews in all different contexts. His significance is shown through his tombstone which says,
“From Moshe to Moshe, there arose none like Moshe.”
‘None’ suggests that Maimonides is irreplaceable and emphasises his status as the second Moses. A good introduction! I think all the pieces are here, maybe just need to be reordered. Try starting with a more conceptual statement, relating to the quote, like your living religious tradition statement. Start abstract, then say how YOUR personality demonstrates the required idea. I also think you need a concluding sentence to hammer home your main idea, I'm not sure whether your essay is focusing on living religious tradition, or just contribution. Finally, quotes don't need new lines in essays  ;D

Maimonides offered new interpretations of Jewish law and guidance through his ‘Mishneh Torah’, where he ordered and clarified the complex Talmud into simpler form. In your topic sentences, try to link to the quote/main idea! This was the first systematic and comprehensive codification of the entire Jewish law. The ‘Mishneh Torah’ included mitzvot that cannot be observed until the Messiah comes, which allows Judaism to be altered to suit adherents in each time period. Even though Maimonides facilitated and enhanced study of the Torah through the ‘Mishneh Torah’, it aroused opposition as some believed it diminished the importance of the Talmud. This is because Maimonides didn’t use references and in the introduction he gave the impression of wanting to cut out study of the Talmud as he said
“…A person who first reads the Written Torah and then this work will know from it the whole of the Oral Torah”.
From this statement some assumed that Maimonides wanted to weaken the Talmud. However, most people realised that it made studying Judaism easier, especially as it was written in Hebrew. The last 2-3 sentences have discussed something irrelevant to the question. Be sure to focus on the impact on the religion/adherent, how is Judaism different TODAY because of the Mishneh Torah, or HOW did it change Jewish history? Through the Mishneh Torah he offered new interpretations of the Torah and the Talmud, making them more accessible for both scholars and everyday Jews. It consolidated adherents in an Islamic-dominated society, redirecting the path of Judaism by preventing Jews from converting to Islam and therefore allowing the religion to continue. In modern day, Jews who don’t have the time or effort to read the Talmud can still learn about the major beliefs and laws in the ‘Mishneh Torah.’ Without Maimonides new interpretation, people may have viewed the laws and guidance as too outdated to for modern society, so Judaism would no longer be a living religious tradition. This once again reveals how Maimonides redirected the future of Judaism. Awesome finish, wow you turned that paragraph around spectacularly! Everything beyond my prior comment is fantastic, if you are looking for words to trim, there is an answer.

Maimonides offered fresh interpretations of Judaism through his ‘Commentary on the Mishneh’ (Perush ha-mishnayot). Same issue as before, but also, try to work on a new wording for your topic sentence! The same 'interpretations' sentence over and over becomes a little repetitive for the marker. In this work he gathered the binding laws from the Talmud and explained the meaning of each mitzvot, outside the context of rabbinical discussion. It linked learning the Torah and putting the laws into practice. This redirected the path of Judaism as it made the Torah more accessible, as it was clear, concise, and designed to be understood by all Jews; past and present. Fantastic! This last sentence should be the focus, you could trim the prior two into one? This work included Maimonides ’13 principles of faith’ which gave Jews simple statements of belief. At first the principles were controversial, but they eventually formed the basis of various Jewish creeds, and are added to editions of the Talmud today, showing how he redirected Judaism. Cool! The first five principles talk about the existence of God so they reaffirm his oneness, incorporeality and eternity. The next four principles deal with God giving his law to Moses, strengthening the belief in the Covenant and the divinely inspired moral law. The last few deal with God’s omniscience and the coming of the Messiah (which reform and conservative Jews don’t believe in). Through these principles he redirected the future path of Judaism as even modern Jews can relate to them as their major beliefs are highlighted in a universal sense.This paragraph is much more focused than the last, still take care to continue focusing on how the personality has made an observable impact on Judaism! You do not need to describe his work in great depth, just the impact.

Maimonides innovative philosophical work ‘The Guide to the Perplexed’ (Moreh Nevuchim) was extremely important as he showed that science and religion could co-exist; a completely new concept. This strengthened the validity of Judaism against threats of classical philosophy, such as Aristotle. While this absolutely brilliant as a concept, you need to link back to the main idea straight away! He redirected the path of Judaism as without this interpretation Judaism would’ve been undermined, and the religion may have dissipated. Some Scholars saw contradictions in Jewish theory, specifically God’s incorporeality in contrast to the anthropomorphic depictions of God in sacred texts. However Maimonides validated Judaism by explaining that where religious doctrine is incompatible with logic, it should not be taken literally. This reinforces the belief in one God as he showed that God is eternal, omnipresent, omnipotent and pure spirit, by saying that phrases such as ‘the finger of god’ should be interpreted figuratively. By making Judaism and science complementary, he consolidated and redirected Judaism in a time of division between Sephardic and Ashkenazic Jews. Fabulous! Are there actual ways we can see these impacts today? There was controversy surrounding the work as some believed that Maimonides was undermining Judaism by emphasising the rational. However, this work made the irrational, rational, redirecting the faith by preventing it from potential collapse. Maimonides impact can be seen through Soviet scholar Vitali Naumkin who said
Maimonides is perhaps the only philosopher…who symbolises a confluence of four cultures…”
This quote establishes that Maimonides has been widely appreciated by scholars many years later in Jewish and non-Jewish societies. His impact is seen through famous Christian scholar Thomas Aquinas using Maimonides’ theories as a basis for his own writings. THis paragraph is again fantastic, but it needs a conclusion like the first two!

In Maimonides’ ‘Book of Commandments’ (Sefer–Ha–Mitzvot) he listed and defined the 613 commandments simply and clearly. He organized the mitzvot into positive (e.g. ‘And you shall love God, your Lord) and negative (e.g. ‘do not murder’), helping Jews understand how to live life morally and have a good relationship with God. By following the moral laws, Jews adhere to the Covenant which is the cornerstone of Judaism. Through his interpretation of the Covenant, Maimonides redirected the future of Judaism by keeping the faith strong against threats from the Almohads. Maimonides helped Judaism be a dynamic religion today as the commandments still apply to modern society, and can help current adherents with decision making. As I read, I am realising that I am wanting some more concrete examples of how Judaism TODAY has been impacted by the personality. Are there any significant practices influenced by his writings? Any ethical teachings which stem specifically from his work? You are doing this in places, but not everywhere.

In addition to his works, Maimonides offered new interpretations of solving community issues when became a Nagid in Egypt. People wrote to him for advice on how to manage their communities, and he wrote various responses (teshuvot), displaying his leadership. His responses helped Judaism stay strong against Almohad invasion, redirecting Judaism by preventing it from dying out. Maimonides also formed a ‘Golden Ladder of charity’ where he ranked tzedakah (charity) actions from most to least honourable. This solidified Jews’ idea of ‘deed before creed’ and reinforced the core ethical teaching of Tikkun Olam, once again strengthening Judaism. Maimonides’ impact on Judaism was seen when he died because Egyptian Jews endured three days of mourning and applied his death to the verse
“The ark of the Lord has been taken”
By referring to the ‘ark’ which is the vessel for the Covenant between God and Moses, it highlights his high status by showing that he has the ability to explain the Covenant and interpret the Lord’s message. Maimonides new interpretations had a huge impact on Judaism, shown by many referring to him as ‘Nesher Gadol’ (The Great Eagle), which reflects his unique ability to perceive the big picture. I would say, in an essay based on writings, this paragraph seems out of place by itself. 4 paragraphs on writings, then one on something else, seems a little out of balance!

Maimonides works offered new interpretations of Judaism’s beliefs, which redirected the future path of the religion by helping it stay significant through different time periods. Without Maimonides’ writings and leadership, it is unlikely Judaism would be the living religious tradition it is today. Through his clear ordering and meaningful analysis of Jewish texts, Maimonides consolidated Judaism in a time of threats from the Almohads and classical philosophy. Maimonides effect on Judaism is still evident today, with major beliefs of Judaism enforced, and many adherents following his guidance. This is a great conclusion! The only thing I'd suggest is perhaps incorporating dynamic/living religious tradition, you use it in the introduction and throughout the essay, be sure to re-emphasise it now.

This is a great essay!  ;D you have some really sophisticated analysis of the writings involved, some awesome ideas, and lots of examples  ;D

Some things I'd say you could do to improve:

- I think your introduction needs some work to have a clear Thesis. You touch on a few different things, I'm looking for a focused and centralised Thesis, which will in this case need to work with the quote. Rework what you have and try to make everything a little more focused, don't stray over to living religious tradition after discussing contribution, link the two!
- While you have a wealth of examples, there are areas where I think you need to flesh out your ideas a little more. When you say "strengthened Judaism" or "redirected Judaism", you need to give me specifics. Exactly what about Jewish history was changed. And, something I didn't get too much detail for, how is the MODERN adherent affected? I know the focus of this question is history, but this is still important, especially if you are going down the living religious tradition path.
- Some of your detail is irrelevant, if it doesn't relate to the impact on the religion, then you can cut it out. This should help you bring your word limit down (PS - you are at about 1300 words, I'd be looking to cut this to 1000 words to start, and then lower as determined by your writing speed).
- Your final paragraph feels out of place, since everything else is on writings. I would keep the focus there, UNLESS you can create a better balance.

So in summary, you have fantastic ideas, but I'd say that your essay needs a stronger central argument/Thesis (which you should aim to back up in your topic sentences and conclusions), and some more detail away from description of work and more towards the IMPACTS themselves. That said, this is a great essay, and with a bit of work I think you have a winner her. Well done!  ;D

Thank you so much for the great feedback. It was so useful and really helped me improve my essay :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: Happy Physics Land on June 05, 2016, 12:40:00 am
Hey Guys!

I have an SOR assessment coming up and I have written a foundational essay in preparation for it. For some reason I never score too well in SOR because I haven't made effective references to the stimulus. If any of you would have a minute to spare can you please have a brief look at my essay??? Thank you so much in advance!!!! <3

“During the normal Hajj, if you break the state of Ihraam (sanctity) between Umrah & Hajj, you shall expiate by offering an animal sacrifice. If you cannot afford it, you shall fast three days during Hajj and seven when you return home – this completes ten – provided you do not live at the Sacred Masjid. You shall observe GOD, and know that GOD is strict in enforcing retribution”
 – Qur’an Surah 2 Verse 196

Evaluate the importance of the Hajj in reflecting and expressing the beliefs of Islam and its impact upon the adherents. In your response, refer specifically to the stimulus provided above.

As the fifth pillar of Islamic faith, the completion of the Hajj – a pilgrimage to Mecca – is pivotal to both the adherents and the religion as a whole because it affirms principal Islamic beliefs and unites different Muslim communities through a series of rituals which ultimately lead to a holistic submission to Allah. The Hajj is highly significant because it promotes a state of Ihraam (sanctity) and allows adherents to retrace the path of Prophet Muhammad, Ibrahim and Ishmael. As an outcome, Muslims are granted access to observe God, and understand that God is strict in enforcing retribution.

The Hajj is a 12-day strenuous pilgrimage to Mecca that every healthy and capable Muslim must undertake at least once in their lives. It requires the individuals to expel Satan, give zakaat, pray for forgiveness and express their beliefs in Tawhid in order to become spiritually fulfilled. As an outcome of completing the Hajj without committing obscenity, Prophet Muhammad claims that “they will come out as the day they were born – pure and free from sins”. The Hajj initiates with the performance of Umrah, during which the adherents place themselves in a sacred state of Ihraam. Adherents then circumambulate around the Ka’bah (Tawaf) and perform the sa’y, which involves walking 7 times between Mount Safa and Marwa. The Dhul Hijjah commences on the 8th day, where Muslims participate in rituals such as Arafat (praying), Jamarat (stoning of devil) and Eid al-Adha (sacrifice of lamb) to strengthen their faith in Allah. These rituals are integral to the Hajj and it is through these practices that the adherents can be empowered by central Islamic beliefs.

As an essential symbol of the Hajj, Ihraam is a state of sanctity which unites all members of the Islamic community and expresses the adherent’s religious preparedness to undertake the pilgrimage. It is a primary component of Umrah which requires Muslim adherents to wear white garments, abstain from perfumes and refrain from profanity, sex or fighting. If a pilgrim breaks the state of Ihraam between Umrah and Hajj, he/she shall expiate by offering an animal sacrifice. If they cannot afford it, then they shall fast three days during Hajj and seven upon return to home (Qur’an Surah 2:196). Ihraam conveys the principal belief of Tawhid – all must surrender to the omnipotence of Allah – through depicting that all adherents are spiritually equal before the one unique God. As a result of complying with physical restrictions of Ihraam, the differences in social status and religious interpretations are eliminated. This effectively unites the umma based upon their common belief in Allah. For individuals, Ihraam is significant because it enables each adherent to develop an acute sense of equality amongst humanity. In addition, Ihraam prepares the adherents for the purification of soul and refinement of faith, as the white garment is symbolic of one’s liberation from obscenity. For contemporary believers who continue to practise the Hajj, their relationships with God and with each other are repaired and strengthened through sincere communications carried out on equal platforms. This allows adherents to become familiarised with God and be blessed in their daily lives.

The ritual of Arafat marks the official commencement to the Hajj and it undertakes a significant role for enhancing the bond between the adherents and God through prayer. It involves the collective supplication, repentance and worship towards the Merciful God on Mount Arafat. As a result, it confirms the Islamic belief in the Judgment Day because it prepares Muslim adherents for the arrival of Allah where all humanity will be stripped off their earthly possessions and be judged through Islamic jurisprudence. Through sacrificing time and carnal desires to become genuinely engaged in prayer, individuals can gain an incessant remembrance and firm love of God. Furthermore, Arafat provides an opportunity for Muslims to experience spiritual rebirth through an increase in piety, virtuousness and patience. For the entire umma, Arafat promotes a universal God-consciousness and a sense of brotherhood and sisterhood amongst all adherents in an environment of prayer. This is reinforced in Qur’an 2:199 “When you file from Arafat, you shall commemorate God … you shall file together … ask God for forgiveness. God is Forgiver, Most Merciful.” For modern believers, Arafat fosters their mental strength, patience, and reminds them of the importance of the daily salat that they must carry out 5 times a day to enhance their bonds with God.

Jamarat, or the stoning of devils, is important for Muslims because this symbolic action expresses their denial towards evil and affirms the Islamic foundational belief in prophets. Historically, Jamarat commemorates Ibrahim’s allegiance towards God as an outcome of his resistance towards the devil’s temptation. It involves the throwing of pebbles towards three pillars (or walls) which represent the three instances upon which the devil entices Abraham to disobey God’s will. Jamarat primarily conveys the belief in Tawhid through challenging the devil, which is symbolic of the adherent’s total submission to the commands and protection of the unique and omniscient Allah. This ritual also recognises the Islamic intrinsic belief in prophets, because it celebrates Ibrahim’s resilience against the devil’s temptation and Ishmael’s willingness to be sacrificed. Jamarat significantly transforms individuals through jihad, where adherents sacrifice their time, strength and money to struggle against external evils. Quran 9:36 similarly proclaims that “You may declare all-out war against the idol worshipers … know that God is on the side of the righteous”, encouraging Muslims to battle with evil. It further unites the umma by bringing together millions of Muslims of all races to form a fellowship for the expulsion of evil. Contemporary adherents who practise the Jamarat during the Hajj can become more resolute in their everyday lives to pursue a holy life, refrain from unethical conducts such as violence and promiscuity, and deny the addictive temptation from drugs and alcohols.

By examining the importance of Ihraam, Arafat and Jamarat to expressing the central beliefs of Islam, the exceptional significance of the Hajj for both the individuals and the umma is manifested. This ritual guides contemporary adherents to avoid breaking the Ihraam, or they will have to expiate by fasting three days during Hajj and seven upon return to home. Evidently, the practise of the Hajj continues to illuminate the everyday lives of believers and culminate in the enhanced spirituality of Muslims through strengthening the bond with Allah.


Thank you guys!!!!!!!!


Best Regards
Happy Physics Land
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 06, 2016, 07:47:15 pm
Hey Guys!

I have an SOR assessment coming up and I have written a foundational essay in preparation for it. For some reason I never score too well in SOR because I haven't made effective references to the stimulus. If any of you would have a minute to spare can you please have a brief look at my essay??? Thank you so much in advance!!!! <3

Thank you guys!!!!!!!!

Best Regards
Happy Physics Land

Hey HPL! It's worth your knowing that this is quite a difficult SOR question. It would be nasty to get this in an exam! But, it's great for you to prepare an essay for because there's a lot in here that you could use for other essays. It's also a lot to write in a short amount of time - I just want you to be aware of that!

Here is your essay with my comments in bold throughout:
Spoiler
“During the normal Hajj, if you break the state of Ihraam (sanctity) between Umrah & Hajj, you shall expiate by offering an animal sacrifice. If you cannot afford it, you shall fast three days during Hajj and seven when you return home – this completes ten – provided you do not live at the Sacred Masjid. You shall observe GOD, and know that GOD is strict in enforcing retribution”
 – Qur’an Surah 2 Verse 196

Evaluate the importance of the Hajj in reflecting and expressing the beliefs of Islam and its impact upon the adherents. In your response, refer specifically to the stimulus provided above.

As the fifth pillar of Islamic faith, the completion of the Hajj – a pilgrimage to Mecca – is pivotal to both the adherents and the religion as a whole because it affirms principal Islamic beliefs and unites different Muslim communities through a series of rituals which ultimately lead to a holistic submission to Allah. Wonderful!!!!The Hajj is highly significant because it promotes a state of Ihraam (sanctity) and allows adherents to retrace the path of Prophet Muhammad, Ibrahim and Ishmael. As an outcome, Muslims are granted access to observe God, and understand that God is strict in enforcing retribution.

The Hajj is a 12-day strenuous pilgrimage to Mecca that every healthy and capable Muslim must undertake at least once in their lives. It requires the individuals to expel Satan, give zakaat, pray for forgiveness and express their beliefs in Tawhid in order to become spiritually fulfilled. As an outcome of completing the Hajj without committing obscenity, Prophet Muhammad claims that “they will come out as the day they were born – pure and free from sins”. Make sure you give the reference details for this quote - a marker might want to verify!The Hajj initiates with the performance of Umrah, during which the adherents place themselves in a sacred state of Ihraam. Adherents then circumambulate around the Ka’bah (Tawaf) and perform the sa’y, which involves walking 7 times between Mount Safa and Marwa as Hajar and Ishmael did.. The Dhul Hijjah commences on the 8th day, where Muslims participate in rituals such as Arafat (praying), Jamarat (stoning of devil) as Abraham did, and Eid al-Adha (sacrifice of lamb) Zakat, to strengthen their faith in Allah. These rituals are integral to the Hajj and it is through these practices that the adherents can be empowered by central Islamic beliefs.

As an essential symbol of the Hajj, Ihraam is a state of sanctity which unites all members of the Islamic community and expresses the adherent’s religious preparedness to undertake the pilgrimage. It is a primary component of Umrah which requires Muslim adherents to wear white garments, abstain from perfumes and refrain from profanity, sex or fighting because all adherents are equal in the eyes of Allah, regardless of wealth or race. If a pilgrim breaks the state of Ihraam between Umrah and Hajj, he/she shall expiate by offering an animal sacrifice. If they cannot afford it, then they shall fast three days during Hajj and seven upon return to home (Qur’an Surah 2:196). It doesn't hurt you to have this in there, but it also is unnecessary and doesn't add much. In an essay as long as this, you want everything to be punchy and strong. Ihraam conveys the principal belief of Tawhid – all must surrender to the omnipotence of Allah Great! Seriously, great!– through depicting that all adherents are spiritually equal before the one unique God Be consistent - I suggest you use Allah the entire way as you begun.. As a result of complying with physical restrictions of Ihraam, the differences in social status and religious interpretations are eliminated(Wonderful point! Well expressed!). This effectively unites the umma based upon their common belief in Allah. For individuals, Ihraam is significant because it enables each adherent to develop an acute sense of equality amongst humanity. In addition, Ihraam prepares the adherents for the purification of soul and refinement of faith, as the white garment is symbolic of one’s liberation from obscenity. For contemporary believers who continue to practise the Hajj, their relationships with God  and with each other are repaired and strengthened through sincere communications carried out on equal platforms. This allows adherents to become familiarised with God and be blessed in their daily lives. Reiterate that full submission to Allah is the ultimate goal.

The ritual of Arafat marks the official commencement to the Hajj and it undertakes a significant role for enhancing the bond between the adherents and God through prayer. It involves the collective supplication, repentance and worship towards the Merciful God on Mount Arafat. As a result, it confirms the Islamic belief in the Judgment Day because it prepares Muslim adherents for the arrival of Allah where all humanity will be stripped off their earthly possessions and be judged through Islamic jurisprudence. Through sacrificing time and carnal desires to become genuinely engaged in prayer, individuals can gain an incessant remembrance and firm love of God. Furthermore, Arafat provides an opportunity for Muslims to experience spiritual rebirth through an increase in piety, virtuousness and patience. For the entire umma, Arafat promotes a universal God-consciousness and a sense of brotherhood and sisterhood amongst all adherents in an environment of prayer. This is reinforced in Qur’an 2:199 “When you file from Arafat, you shall commemorate God … you shall file together … ask God for forgiveness. God is Forgiver, Most Merciful.” For modern believers, Arafat fosters their mental strength, patience, and reminds them of the importance of the daily salat that they must carry out 5 times a day to enhance their bonds with God.

Jamarat, or the stoning of devils, is important for Muslims because this symbolic action expresses their denial towards evil and affirms the Islamic foundational belief in prophets. Historically, Jamarat commemorates Ibrahim’s allegiance towards God as an outcome of his resistance towards the devil’s temptation. It involves the throwing of pebbles towards three pillars (or walls) which represent the three instances upon which the devil entices Abraham to disobey God’s will. Jamarat primarily conveys the belief in Tawhid through challenging the devil, which is symbolic of the adherent’s total submission to the commands and protection of the unique and omniscient Allah. This ritual also recognises the Islamic intrinsic belief in prophets, because it celebrates Ibrahim’s resilience against the devil’s temptation and Ishmael’s willingness to be sacrificed. Jamarat significantly transforms individuals through jihad, where adherents sacrifice their time, strength and money to struggle against external evils. Quran 9:36 similarly proclaims that “You may declare all-out war against the idol worshipers … know that God is on the side of the righteous”, encouraging Muslims to battle with evil. It further unites the umma by bringing together millions of Muslims of all races to form a fellowship for the expulsion of evil. Contemporary adherents who practise the Jamarat during the Hajj can become more resolute in their everyday lives to pursue a holy life, refrain from unethical conducts such as violence and promiscuity, and deny the addictive temptation from drugs and alcohols.

By examining the importance of Ihraam, Arafat and Jamarat to expressing the central beliefs of Islam, the exceptional significance of the Hajj for both the individuals and the umma is manifested. This ritual guides contemporary adherents to avoid breaking the Ihraam, or they will have to expiate by fasting three days during Hajj and seven upon return to home. Evidently, the practise of the Hajj continues to illuminate the everyday lives of believers and culminate in the enhanced spirituality of Muslims through strengthening the bond with Allah.
 

Hey, great work! Some suggestions:
-Wherever possible, use the Arabic word. You do this most of the time, but just make sure your consistent with little things like Allah/God.
-Reference the stimulus by even focusing on the tiniest little sections of the quote. Take just half a sentence and thread it into the end of a sentence and put the reference to the quote at the end. I can see you've made a conscious effort, but the explicit references to the quote are what gives you the marks. Ideally, you'd reference the stimulus specifically in each and every paragraph.
-Using the Sacred text more - rack up a list of great, easy to use, quotes from the Hadiths and Qur'an - and even scholars! Bank these up in your study notes. Make sure they are the kind of quotes that apply across various questions you could be asked about Hajj. In each paragraph, you want to have a Sacred text reference - if this is the stimulus, so be it. But you can't rely on there being a stimulus to use (although there seems to be a trend of BOSTES doing that now!).

Let me know if this makes sense? Your knowledge of the Hajj isn't doubted for a second. You have a very clear vision of how Hajj works and why, it appears. You should be stoked! It's just a matter of going the extra mile now to secure the top band. Part of that is the stimulus, part of that is referencing.

Hope this helps! :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: Happy Physics Land on June 07, 2016, 10:17:02 am
Hey HPL! It's worth your knowing that this is quite a difficult SOR question. It would be nasty to get this in an exam! But, it's great for you to prepare an essay for because there's a lot in here that you could use for other essays. It's also a lot to write in a short amount of time - I just want you to be aware of that!

Here is your essay with my comments in bold throughout:
Spoiler
“During the normal Hajj, if you break the state of Ihraam (sanctity) between Umrah & Hajj, you shall expiate by offering an animal sacrifice. If you cannot afford it, you shall fast three days during Hajj and seven when you return home – this completes ten – provided you do not live at the Sacred Masjid. You shall observe GOD, and know that GOD is strict in enforcing retribution”
 – Qur’an Surah 2 Verse 196

Evaluate the importance of the Hajj in reflecting and expressing the beliefs of Islam and its impact upon the adherents. In your response, refer specifically to the stimulus provided above.

As the fifth pillar of Islamic faith, the completion of the Hajj – a pilgrimage to Mecca – is pivotal to both the adherents and the religion as a whole because it affirms principal Islamic beliefs and unites different Muslim communities through a series of rituals which ultimately lead to a holistic submission to Allah. Wonderful!!!!The Hajj is highly significant because it promotes a state of Ihraam (sanctity) and allows adherents to retrace the path of Prophet Muhammad, Ibrahim and Ishmael. As an outcome, Muslims are granted access to observe God, and understand that God is strict in enforcing retribution.

The Hajj is a 12-day strenuous pilgrimage to Mecca that every healthy and capable Muslim must undertake at least once in their lives. It requires the individuals to expel Satan, give zakaat, pray for forgiveness and express their beliefs in Tawhid in order to become spiritually fulfilled. As an outcome of completing the Hajj without committing obscenity, Prophet Muhammad claims that “they will come out as the day they were born – pure and free from sins”. Make sure you give the reference details for this quote - a marker might want to verify!The Hajj initiates with the performance of Umrah, during which the adherents place themselves in a sacred state of Ihraam. Adherents then circumambulate around the Ka’bah (Tawaf) and perform the sa’y, which involves walking 7 times between Mount Safa and Marwa as Hajar and Ishmael did.. The Dhul Hijjah commences on the 8th day, where Muslims participate in rituals such as Arafat (praying), Jamarat (stoning of devil) as Abraham did, and Eid al-Adha (sacrifice of lamb) Zakat, to strengthen their faith in Allah. These rituals are integral to the Hajj and it is through these practices that the adherents can be empowered by central Islamic beliefs.

As an essential symbol of the Hajj, Ihraam is a state of sanctity which unites all members of the Islamic community and expresses the adherent’s religious preparedness to undertake the pilgrimage. It is a primary component of Umrah which requires Muslim adherents to wear white garments, abstain from perfumes and refrain from profanity, sex or fighting because all adherents are equal in the eyes of Allah, regardless of wealth or race. If a pilgrim breaks the state of Ihraam between Umrah and Hajj, he/she shall expiate by offering an animal sacrifice. If they cannot afford it, then they shall fast three days during Hajj and seven upon return to home (Qur’an Surah 2:196). It doesn't hurt you to have this in there, but it also is unnecessary and doesn't add much. In an essay as long as this, you want everything to be punchy and strong. Ihraam conveys the principal belief of Tawhid – all must surrender to the omnipotence of Allah Great! Seriously, great!– through depicting that all adherents are spiritually equal before the one unique God Be consistent - I suggest you use Allah the entire way as you begun.. As a result of complying with physical restrictions of Ihraam, the differences in social status and religious interpretations are eliminated(Wonderful point! Well expressed!). This effectively unites the umma based upon their common belief in Allah. For individuals, Ihraam is significant because it enables each adherent to develop an acute sense of equality amongst humanity. In addition, Ihraam prepares the adherents for the purification of soul and refinement of faith, as the white garment is symbolic of one’s liberation from obscenity. For contemporary believers who continue to practise the Hajj, their relationships with God  and with each other are repaired and strengthened through sincere communications carried out on equal platforms. This allows adherents to become familiarised with God and be blessed in their daily lives. Reiterate that full submission to Allah is the ultimate goal.

The ritual of Arafat marks the official commencement to the Hajj and it undertakes a significant role for enhancing the bond between the adherents and God through prayer. It involves the collective supplication, repentance and worship towards the Merciful God on Mount Arafat. As a result, it confirms the Islamic belief in the Judgment Day because it prepares Muslim adherents for the arrival of Allah where all humanity will be stripped off their earthly possessions and be judged through Islamic jurisprudence. Through sacrificing time and carnal desires to become genuinely engaged in prayer, individuals can gain an incessant remembrance and firm love of God. Furthermore, Arafat provides an opportunity for Muslims to experience spiritual rebirth through an increase in piety, virtuousness and patience. For the entire umma, Arafat promotes a universal God-consciousness and a sense of brotherhood and sisterhood amongst all adherents in an environment of prayer. This is reinforced in Qur’an 2:199 “When you file from Arafat, you shall commemorate God … you shall file together … ask God for forgiveness. God is Forgiver, Most Merciful.” For modern believers, Arafat fosters their mental strength, patience, and reminds them of the importance of the daily salat that they must carry out 5 times a day to enhance their bonds with God.

Jamarat, or the stoning of devils, is important for Muslims because this symbolic action expresses their denial towards evil and affirms the Islamic foundational belief in prophets. Historically, Jamarat commemorates Ibrahim’s allegiance towards God as an outcome of his resistance towards the devil’s temptation. It involves the throwing of pebbles towards three pillars (or walls) which represent the three instances upon which the devil entices Abraham to disobey God’s will. Jamarat primarily conveys the belief in Tawhid through challenging the devil, which is symbolic of the adherent’s total submission to the commands and protection of the unique and omniscient Allah. This ritual also recognises the Islamic intrinsic belief in prophets, because it celebrates Ibrahim’s resilience against the devil’s temptation and Ishmael’s willingness to be sacrificed. Jamarat significantly transforms individuals through jihad, where adherents sacrifice their time, strength and money to struggle against external evils. Quran 9:36 similarly proclaims that “You may declare all-out war against the idol worshipers … know that God is on the side of the righteous”, encouraging Muslims to battle with evil. It further unites the umma by bringing together millions of Muslims of all races to form a fellowship for the expulsion of evil. Contemporary adherents who practise the Jamarat during the Hajj can become more resolute in their everyday lives to pursue a holy life, refrain from unethical conducts such as violence and promiscuity, and deny the addictive temptation from drugs and alcohols.

By examining the importance of Ihraam, Arafat and Jamarat to expressing the central beliefs of Islam, the exceptional significance of the Hajj for both the individuals and the umma is manifested. This ritual guides contemporary adherents to avoid breaking the Ihraam, or they will have to expiate by fasting three days during Hajj and seven upon return to home. Evidently, the practise of the Hajj continues to illuminate the everyday lives of believers and culminate in the enhanced spirituality of Muslims through strengthening the bond with Allah.
 

Hey, great work! Some suggestions:
-Wherever possible, use the Arabic word. You do this most of the time, but just make sure your consistent with little things like Allah/God.
-Reference the stimulus by even focusing on the tiniest little sections of the quote. Take just half a sentence and thread it into the end of a sentence and put the reference to the quote at the end. I can see you've made a conscious effort, but the explicit references to the quote are what gives you the marks. Ideally, you'd reference the stimulus specifically in each and every paragraph.
-Using the Sacred text more - rack up a list of great, easy to use, quotes from the Hadiths and Qur'an - and even scholars! Bank these up in your study notes. Make sure they are the kind of quotes that apply across various questions you could be asked about Hajj. In each paragraph, you want to have a Sacred text reference - if this is the stimulus, so be it. But you can't rely on there being a stimulus to use (although there seems to be a trend of BOSTES doing that now!).

Let me know if this makes sense? Your knowledge of the Hajj isn't doubted for a second. You have a very clear vision of how Hajj works and why, it appears. You should be stoked! It's just a matter of going the extra mile now to secure the top band. Part of that is the stimulus, part of that is referencing.

Hope this helps! :)

Hey Elyse!

Sorry for the late reply! I just came out of the SOR exam and to be brief, I'm feeling quite pleased about what I have achieved during the exam. I managed to fit majority of my essay into the timeframe, wrote about 9 pages. I had to change a few things around either because I had a mental blank or because it didnt really suit the question. But I editted my work yesterday accordingly to your advices and I added one more scripture reference and two more references to the stimulus. It wasn't as good as I could have done if I just copied my entire essay out but I am feeling pretty pleased about being able to finish my essay off in the set time with a good structure and good content. Thank you very much Elyse for taking out time to give me such valuable feedbacks!!! Your feedback to an extent has fostered my performance today!!!!
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: brontem on June 07, 2016, 12:08:15 pm
Hey!! Here's my SOR essay :) I'm just wondering if it makes sense :) (there's no conclusion yet either)
I'd love for you to take a look, any help is appreciated  :D Thanks !!  ;D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 07, 2016, 11:17:52 pm
Hey!! Here's my SOR essay :) I'm just wondering if it makes sense :) (there's no conclusion yet either)
I'd love for you to take a look, any help is appreciated  :D Thanks !!  ;D

Hey brontem!! Thanks for posting, the essay is attached with feedback as usual (there is no question at the moment, so be sure to take my feedback and frame it for the question at hand)!  ;)

Spoiler
Buddhist ethics are based on the principles of causing no harm to living beings and striving for the welfare of all beings.

In a largely industrialised and materialistic world, western civilisation has dominated over the environment, exploiting it by any means in order to continue a prevailing consumerist culture. This greed-driven perception of the environment is in stark contrast to the understanding and treatment of the environment from the perspectives in Buddhism. Very cool introduction there, I like it! Buddhist environmental ethics completely reject the harming living beings and the environment for material gain - withholding from attachment to material goods and placing more focus on striving on preserving the welfare of all sentient beings. Slightly messy wording there, the point gets lost just a tad along the way. Buddhist ethical teachings and core beliefs highlight cooperation as being the key element to maintaining a flourishing environment. The practice of Buddhist environmental ethics are in response to environmental degradation such as deforestation, animal exploitation and the slaughter of animals for food.  Nice introduction on the whole, good work!

Adherents of Buddhism successfully avoid causing harm to any living beings and achieve respect for the environment through strict, yet reverent obedience to the principle beliefs. The 5 precepts of Buddhism, a part of the dharma, are an ethical guide which promotes the welfare of all living beings. The first precept; "to abstain from harming sentient life forms" is an explicit reminder for Buddhist adherents to maintain a respectful and ethical relationship with the environment. The 8 fold paths’ guides for sila, (living an ethical life) incorporates the principle of ‘right action’ and ‘right livelihood’. Abstaining from harming all sentient beings, also known as ahimsa, allows the adherent to work towards enlightenment, whereby they are released from samsara. Good use of terminology. Acts of good, or kusala, are favourable in the cycle of samsara as it increases the possibility of being reborn as a human; the only sentient form to achieve enlightenment. I feel we have slipped off topic a tad, I'm not getting too much on the environmental ethics side (which you've set as the focus of the response). By adhering to the ethical principles of Buddhism, adherents are enriching their own faith and working towards achieving enlightenment, whilst also preserving the welfare of all living beings. Good paragraph! Did you have any sacred texts in here in some form? (sorry if it slipped in without me realising, I know very little about Buddhism so take my advice with a grain of salt  ;) )

As ahimsa is an ethical goal for Buddhists, the slaughter, exploitation and consumption of animals are all considered unethical, as they all cause harm to living beings. Each year over 3 billion animals are slaughtered, many of these slaughters are done inhumanely. Slightly unnecessary data here, unless you link it to the relevance of the ethical teachings.  Animal exploitation and slaughter is an ethical issue for Buddhists, as it is against the non-violent belief of ahimsa. This is hinted at in the intro, you can be a little more succinct! The Buddhist response to the ethical issues of slaughter is abstaining from the consumption of meat, as it is beneficial to the welfare of all living beings. This is shown by Buddha’s own words; “anyone who eats flesh is cutting himself off from the great seed of his own merciful and compassionate nature”. Good. The reign of King Asoka in the 3rd century BCE heightened the importance of Ahimsa in an ethical Buddhist life - abolishing hunting and sacrifice, and implementing vegetarianism to the public (oxford) in order to prevent harm to any sentient beings. Asoka’s edict of 243BC stressed the importance of ahimsa as it focused on related attributes such as compassion, generosity, truth and purity; all qualities which align with the 1st precept. The exploitation of animals for consumption as food is seen as desire for material items; this is against anatma (the universal transience of life) and anicca (impermanence). The slaughter of animals is condemned by Buddhists as it violates the “right action” and “right livelihood” elements of sila. Excellent links between the principles and the teachings in this paragraph, well done. Buddhists believe that the grasp of desires is the cause of this suffering as a result of being unsatisfied is dukkha, one of the 3 marks of existence. Buddhism's teachings against the exploitation of animals for material gain and satisfaction inherently strive for the protection of living beings and strive to protect their welfare. Great paragraph here, excellent links between the teaching itself (no slaughtering of animals) and the principle (Sila).

Buddhism’s environmental ethics are not only based on protecting the welfare of all sentient beings, but strive to protect their surroundings also. Deforestation involves the clearing of natural forests and woodlands for the purpose of agriculture, logging and developments, and is a devastating ethical issue for the environment. The environment is an integral part for the practice of Buddhism, members of the sangha often resort to the natural environment to find harmony and seclusion from everyday distractions and to practice Samadhi (meditation). Try to be a little more explicit with your links to the topic here. "Deforestation, as a practice damaging to the environment, proves a prominent ethical issue for Buddhists." "Further, the loss of environment proves disruptive to Buddhist practices, as... etc" Being a little more explicit will do wonders for your response here.Trees are an important spiritual symbol for Buddhists, as the Buddha himself was enlightened under the Bodhi tree. Thus, Buddhists consider the environment as living; and strive to protect and maintain the welfare of the natural environment. The violation of the surrounding environment through deforestation violates the 2nd precept of “to not take what is not given”, as humans are exploiting the environment and taking more than what is able to be provided. Deforestation also detrimentally harms the living animals and destroys habitats, which is also a violation of ahimsa and the 1st precept. The Dhammapada (verse 129) instructs against the unethical exploitation of the environment, “Putting oneself in the place of the other, Let no one kill nor cause another to kill.” The stripping of forestation is usually due to the resources which it provides, which are used to mass produce goods to fulfil human desire – this attachment to material items is condemned by the 3rd precept “to refrain from sensual desires” and is an element of the unfavourable traits of raga and tahna (craving and sensuality). Bhikku Bodhi condemns this greed-driven exploitation of the environment; “happiness and wellbeing lie in the satisfaction of our wants and sensual desires”. Buddhism, however, abstains from violating the environment and in turn the living beings within it. This detrimental exploitation is avoided by abstinence from indulgences and advocating for the protection of the welfare of all beings; as dictated by Buddhism’s’ ethical teachings. Another solid paragraph with effective explanations, good work!

This is a great response Brontem! It definitely makes sense and flows quite well. Structurally, it is a tad strange to have one paragraph on beliefs, then two on environmental ethical issues, but this isn't necessarily disruptive to the flow. Still, perhaps consider a third issue instead (if it exists). You explained the relationship between teaching and principle really well throughout, and used your terminology effectively. Your evidence looks REALLY good, like damn you know your stuff, but not doing Buddhism means I can't say for sure if you've made any major omissions. I don't think so though, your knowledge is really impressive  ;D

Your response would benefit from being a little more explicit in places to keep the focus on the issue at hand (and perhaps to the specific question you are answering) Besides that, it works really really well!! Definitely get it looked at by your teacher for clarity, absolutely better to get feedback from someone who has done Buddhism (especially since it is so different to the monotheistic traditions that most students study), I'd hate to steer you in the wrong direction  :)

Great work Brontem!!  :D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: brontem on June 09, 2016, 04:22:27 pm
Hey thanks so much!! The question was literally just that phrase reworded with ? at the end, sorry I didn't clarify that  :D I had the exam today, I pretty much memorised what I wrote (after fixing it up of course - I totally know what you were saying about the badly worded sentences  :-\ ), and in the exam I was conscious of linking to the question :) Thank you so much for your help!!  ;D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 14, 2016, 11:37:30 pm
Attention! The essay marking rules have now changed  ;D Due to increasing popularity, and to make sure essay marking services remain accessible for active members of the ATAR Notes community, a new post exchange policy is in effect for all essays below this line. Every 5 ATAR Notes posts qualifies you for one essay to be marked. 50 posts qualifies you for 10 essays, etc. Details can be found at this link! Thanks!  ;D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 27, 2016, 12:44:16 am
Attention! The essay marking requirements have been updated, in effect for every essay posted below this mark  ;D The post exchange rate has now been increased to 15, that is, every piece of feedback is now worth 15 posts. 3 essays marked needs 45 ATAR Notes posts, 10 essays needs 150 posts, etc etc. The full essay rules are available at this link! Thanks everyone!  ;D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: levendibigd on September 07, 2016, 04:05:05 pm
Hey! I was wondering what is the best way to structure a SOR1 (20 mark) essay? (e.g. intro = provide description, and key points going to be discussed...) Any suggestions? :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on September 07, 2016, 09:43:52 pm
Hey! I was wondering what is the best way to structure a SOR1 (20 mark) essay? (e.g. intro = provide description, and key points going to be discussed...) Any suggestions? :)

Hey there!! I wrote this article earlier in the year, I talk about my preferred structure there, it might be of some help for you! ;D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: BPunjabi on October 02, 2016, 09:16:07 pm
If anyone would be interested in marking my short answer responses for the 2013 SOR II paper, That would be awesome. Thanks so much Guys!!!

Question 1 Buddhism:
a) i. Outline one sig practice within Buddhism from the following: (Temple Puja)
One significant practice of Buddhism is temple puja, which involves celebrating and praying to Buddha at temples and monasteries. it involves worshipping, praying, lighting incense and preparing various symbolic items such as water. A bells also plays a symbolic part in temple puja, notifying adherents when it is time to pray.
Mark    /3


ii. How significant for the Buddhist community is the practice identified in
part i: (Temple Puja)

Temple Puja is a significant part of Buddhism as it enables adherents to take part in worshipping their god, Buddha. In this practise, Buddhists provide offerings to the symbolic statues of Buddha found at Monasteries. These offerings include water which represents the purification of the mind and soul, candies providing a sense of enlightenment and flowers which represent thankfulness, respect and impermanence. Before a Buddhist enter the temple, They will take of their shoes as a sign of respect, then proceed to bowing to Buddha three times in the shrine room. As soon as Buddhists have touched their chest signifying mind, body and soul, they will recite the five precepts and three jewels as a way of praying. Buddhists then circle Buddha in the same motion in which the planets rotate around the sun.
Mark    /6


b) Explain ethical teaching in Buddhism in one of the following areas: (Enviro Ethics)
Environmental Ethics is a major component of Buddhist as Buddhists believe that the environment holds a cause and effect principal. Buddhists believe that all things exist by and interrelationship with other parts of nature, to think of ones self as isolated from the rest of nature. "Do not harm a living organism" is the first of the five precepts. Ashoka, a momentous Buddhist was known for forbidding the killing of animals for resources and also establishing hospitals for people and animals. Two groups, Green Sangha and Eco Buddhism strive for teaching Adherents about history whilst supporting Peace and care for the environment.
Mark    /6



Question 4 Islam:
a) i. Outline the contribution to Islam of ONE significant person or school of
thought other than Muhammad and the Four Rightly Guided Caliphs: (Temple Puja)

Rabi'a al-Adawiyya is a significant Muslim who influenced the tradition of Islam to adopt certain aspects which made prodigious changes to the culture. As Islam, during the 1st Century was under turmoil, she restored peace and became and inspiration, trough how she lived her life. This involved praying and sleeping on a simple reed mat and engaging in philosophical disputes with men which was seen as an impressive act as Iraq was under domestic rule. Rabi'a was  a prime example of an Ascetic.
Mark    /3


ii. How effective has the significant person or school of thought identified
in part (a) (i) been in the development and/or expression of Islam?

Rabi'a  al-Adawiyya was a par of various culture changes which impacted the tradition of Islam. These included the teachings of fundamentals to her religion which was exemplified through her ascetic lifestyle. In  Rabi'as writings, she discussed devotional love towards Allah, spreading the message that he should be liked for his own sake. Surpassing the boundaries of women, Rabi'a engaged in discussions with males which were deemed appropriate. She proclaimed that "You must conceal your good deeds as you conceal your evil deads" as a way of elaborating the importance of doing good deeds but not talking about them explicitly.
Mark    /6


b) Explain ethical teaching in Islam in one of the following areas: (Enviro Ethics)
"To God belongs all that is on heavens and on earth" (Qur'an). Environmental Ethics is a compelling teaching in Islam which teaches adherents to love and care for the environment. All ethics derive from the Qur'an, where Muslims learn that "God has created the earth like a majestic palace". It is believed that despite the amount of waste produced from animals, as well as the death of species, the earth has the ability to clean itself to the point that this death and waste is not even visible. Green Muslims assist Adherents in caring for the environment by teaching about Inner and world Peace, and how those concepts brings Muslims closer to the environment.
Mark    /6


Section Three, Introduction to Q2:
(https://postimg.org/image/hr6u3511l/)
Discuss the relationship between at least TWO of the aspects shown in the diagram on page 16
and the way they contribute to Christianity as a living religious tradition.

Christianity is the worlds most practised religion which combines the use of significant Adherents, Ethics and practices to teach Christians about the important principals and meaning to life. There are various significant people in the Christian religion, who make a difference and inspire others such as Pope John XXIII. Ethics, specifically, environmental Ethics, shape Christians into pursuing the restoration and moral/ethical care for the environment as well as others. Practices are essential and provide support in worshipping the Christian God, jests and Holy Spirit which is known as the Holy Trinity.
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: BPunjabi on October 02, 2016, 09:20:37 pm
Sorry the picture for section Three was this: https://postimg.org/image/hr6u3511l/
I dont know how to place it on the forum so you dont have to click the link - Sorry :(
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: zaayxo on October 04, 2016, 02:35:49 pm
Do you have an email so I can send my essay? It'll be much appreciated!
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: ssarahj on October 04, 2016, 02:41:31 pm
Do you have an email so I can send my essay? It'll be much appreciated!

Hey zaayxo, here at ATAR Notes we ask that you post your essay on this forum for marking instead of email, to allow everyone to benefit from the awesome feedback you'll receive. When you reach 15 posts you're welcome to post it and one of our amazing markers will get onto it for you  :) :)
If you have any questions about SOR feel free to ask them here: Studies of Religion Question Thread
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: zaayxo on October 04, 2016, 09:23:07 pm
Hey, if you don't mind, is it alright if you mark this 5mark response, and place a mark out of 5 as well!  ;D
For some Australians, God is no longer important. Religion does not seem
attractive as the country is becoming increasingly secular


After 1973, conversely after the ending of the "White Australian policy", Australia has emerged into a multi-cultural country accompanying diverse faiths and cultures. Christianity had dominated the Australian population by 85%, but after 1973 due to immigration, religious conversion, disenchantment, the death of many Christian elders and modern development, it had tremendously decreased to a 64%. This had accentuated "no-religion" to rise from a 15.5% to 22.3% of the population, justifying the conception of the "increasingly secular" country. Non-Christian religions take up 5% of the population, this can be another reason of percieving Australia as secular, since no-religion is much more effective. However, with "no-religion" operating as a quarter of the Australian population, Christianity still dominates and expresses a larger outcome. Moreover, Australia adhere their democratic doctrine, despite their secular perspective in govermental procedures, religion in all theistic forms possess greater influence in Australia.
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 04, 2016, 11:12:31 pm
Hey, if you don't mind, is it alright if you mark this 5mark response, and place a mark out of 5 as well!  ;D

Hey! Sure thing (also nice to see the glow tags being used ;)) take my mark with a grain of salt, especially since I don't have the question itself (the verb required can alter the approach slightly) :)

For some Australians, God is no longer important. Religion does not seem
attractive as the country is becoming increasingly secular


After 1973, conversely after the ending of the "White Australian policy", Australia has emerged into a multi-cultural country accompanying diverse faiths and cultures. Christianity had dominated the Australian population by 85%, but after 1973 due to immigration, religious conversion, disenchantment, the death of many Christian elders and modern development, it had tremendously decreased to a 64%. Not all of these things are 100% relevant here, be careful, you are discussing secularism! So, take away the things that are linking to other aspects and really give med detail on the secularist stuff - Particularly disenchantment, I need more there. This had accentuated "no-religion" to rise from a 15.5% to 22.3% of the population, justifying the conception of the "increasingly secular" country. Great statistic. Non-Christian religions take up 5% of the population, this can be another reason of percieving Australia as secular, since no-religion is much more effective. These are still religions, so this is irrelevant to secularism (unless you are arguing against it, but this isn't clear! However, with "no-religion" operating as a quarter of the Australian population, Christianity still dominates and expresses a larger outcome. Moreover, Australia adhere their democratic doctrine, despite their secular perspective in govermental procedures, religion in all theistic forms possess greater influence in Australia.
[/quote]

I would personally give this 3/5 (again, grain of salt) :)

You've included some good points and statistics here, which is great, but you are discussing a lot of things that don't relate to the prompt. Hone in on secularism, and try to justify why the statistics you have presented are what they are! Right now, the response has got some elements responding to secularism, but a lot is unnecessary (for example, increased prevalence of non-Christian religions doesn't relate to secularism) :)

Great work zaayxo! ;D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 04, 2016, 11:31:50 pm
If anyone would be interested in marking my short answer responses for the 2013 SOR II paper, That would be awesome. Thanks so much Guys!!!

Hey! I'll give your Islam responses a mark since I know that tradition pretty well! :)

Question 4 Islam:
a) i. Outline the contribution to Islam of ONE significant person or school of
thought other than Muhammad and the Four Rightly Guided Caliphs: (Temple Puja)

Spoiler
Rabi'a al-Adawiyya is a significant Muslim who influenced the tradition of Islam to adopt certain aspects which made prodigious changes to the culture. As Islam, during the 1st Century was under turmoil, she restored peace and became and inspiration, trough how she lived her life. This involved praying and sleeping on a simple reed mat and engaging in philosophical disputes with men which was seen as an impressive act as Iraq was under domestic rule. Rabi'a was  a prime example of an Ascetic.

Mark 2.5/3
Comments: A solid response! But a little more detail is required on the contribution aspect, what "certain aspects" have resonated in the expression of modern Islam, for example? How is the contribution obvious? :)

ii. How effective has the significant person or school of thought identified
in part (a) (i) been in the development and/or expression of Islam?

Spoiler
Rabi'a  al-Adawiyya was a par of various culture changes which impacted the tradition of Islam. These included the teachings of fundamentals to her religion which was exemplified through her ascetic lifestyle. In  Rabi'as writings, she discussed devotional love towards Allah, spreading the message that he should be liked for his own sake. Surpassing the boundaries of women, Rabi'a engaged in discussions with males which were deemed appropriate. She proclaimed that "You must conceal your good deeds as you conceal your evil deads" as a way of elaborating the importance of doing good deeds but not talking about them explicitly.

Mark 3/6
Comments: Again, on the right track with what you are trying to do! However, in this one you are suffering from not addressing the verb correctly; you need to be evaluating! I'm looking for words which express your judgement (objectively/analytically) of the significance of the person. HOW MUCH did they effect the historical development of Islam? HOW MUCH is their impact seen in modern expression? I'm looking for more evaluative statements and more explicit links to development/expression, this answer is more a description of the life/works of the person.

b) Explain ethical teaching in Islam in one of the following areas: (Enviro Ethics)
Spoiler
"To God belongs all that is on heavens and on earth" (Qur'an). Environmental Ethics is a compelling teaching in Islam which teaches adherents to love and care for the environment. All ethics derive from the Qur'an, where Muslims learn that "God has created the earth like a majestic palace". It is believed that despite the amount of waste produced from animals, as well as the death of species, the earth has the ability to clean itself to the point that this death and waste is not even visible. Green Muslims assist Adherents in caring for the environment by teaching about Inner and world Peace, and how those concepts brings Muslims closer to the environment.

Mark 4/6
Comments: Once again on the right track! This time I'm looking for a little more polish, a little more depth. Right now I'd say you are describing the teaching; I'm looking for more explanation. Where does it come from? What Islamic ethical principles are drawn upon to draw the conclusions you are talking about in your response? I love that I've got the Quran references in the responses, but is there anything else that you can use? Go back to first principles and examine the process of Islamic jurisprudence; where does the teaching come from?

I'll also add that, for a 6-marker, you'll likely need a little more than what you have right now for these responses. Not much more mind you! Right now they do just feel a tad bare bones :)

So yep, mostly small stuff! Definitely on the right track! ;D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: BPunjabi on October 04, 2016, 11:52:13 pm
Hey! I'll give your Islam responses a mark since I know that tradition pretty well! :)

Question 4 Islam:
a) i. Outline the contribution to Islam of ONE significant person or school of
thought other than Muhammad and the Four Rightly Guided Caliphs: (Temple Puja)

Spoiler
Rabi'a al-Adawiyya is a significant Muslim who influenced the tradition of Islam to adopt certain aspects which made prodigious changes to the culture. As Islam, during the 1st Century was under turmoil, she restored peace and became and inspiration, trough how she lived her life. This involved praying and sleeping on a simple reed mat and engaging in philosophical disputes with men which was seen as an impressive act as Iraq was under domestic rule. Rabi'a was  a prime example of an Ascetic.

Mark 2.5/3
Comments: A solid response! But a little more detail is required on the contribution aspect, what "certain aspects" have resonated in the expression of modern Islam, for example? How is the contribution obvious? :)

ii. How effective has the significant person or school of thought identified
in part (a) (i) been in the development and/or expression of Islam?

Spoiler
Rabi'a  al-Adawiyya was a par of various culture changes which impacted the tradition of Islam. These included the teachings of fundamentals to her religion which was exemplified through her ascetic lifestyle. In  Rabi'as writings, she discussed devotional love towards Allah, spreading the message that he should be liked for his own sake. Surpassing the boundaries of women, Rabi'a engaged in discussions with males which were deemed appropriate. She proclaimed that "You must conceal your good deeds as you conceal your evil deads" as a way of elaborating the importance of doing good deeds but not talking about them explicitly.

Mark 3/6
Comments: Again, on the right track with what you are trying to do! However, in this one you are suffering from not addressing the verb correctly; you need to be evaluating! I'm looking for words which express your judgement (objectively/analytically) of the significance of the person. HOW MUCH did they effect the historical development of Islam? HOW MUCH is their impact seen in modern expression? I'm looking for more evaluative statements and more explicit links to development/expression, this answer is more a description of the life/works of the person.

b) Explain ethical teaching in Islam in one of the following areas: (Enviro Ethics)
Spoiler
"To God belongs all that is on heavens and on earth" (Qur'an). Environmental Ethics is a compelling teaching in Islam which teaches adherents to love and care for the environment. All ethics derive from the Qur'an, where Muslims learn that "God has created the earth like a majestic palace". It is believed that despite the amount of waste produced from animals, as well as the death of species, the earth has the ability to clean itself to the point that this death and waste is not even visible. Green Muslims assist Adherents in caring for the environment by teaching about Inner and world Peace, and how those concepts brings Muslims closer to the environment.

Mark 4/6
Comments: Once again on the right track! This time I'm looking for a little more polish, a little more depth. Right now I'd say you are describing the teaching; I'm looking for more explanation. Where does it come from? What Islamic ethical principles are drawn upon to draw the conclusions you are talking about in your response? I love that I've got the Quran references in the responses, but is there anything else that you can use? Go back to first principles and examine the process of Islamic jurisprudence; where does the teaching come from?

I'll also add that, for a 6-marker, you'll likely need a little more than what you have right now for these responses. Not much more mind you! Right now they do just feel a tad bare bones :)

So yep, mostly small stuff! Definitely on the right track! ;D

Jamon your awesome... thats all I can say..  8)

With the second response, If I just added verbs relating with evaluating to the start/end of sentences could it turn into a 4 or 5, or would I need more information.

Cheers man, the feedback helps heaps
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 05, 2016, 12:04:08 am
Jamon your awesome... thats all I can say..  8)

With the second response, If I just added verbs relating with evaluating to the start/end of sentences could it turn into a 4 or 5, or would I need more information.

Cheers man, the feedback helps heaps

Adding evaluative words only and keeping the same flow would probably get you to about 4.5, but I'd have to see it in front of me ;D definitely will want more detail to crack that 6/6 though ;D

You are very welcome! ;D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: BPunjabi on October 05, 2016, 12:07:17 am
Adding evaluative words only and keeping the same flow would probably get you to about 4.5, but I'd have to see it in front of me ;D definitely will want more detail to crack that 6/6 though ;D

You are very welcome! ;D

Sorry one more question, Do they give half marks? Our CSSA paper did not have half marks in it?
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 05, 2016, 12:10:26 am
Sorry one more question, Do they give half marks? Our CSSA paper did not have half marks in it?

You are right! Nah, the HSC won't give them, but I find them helpful in giving feedback. If you get a half mark from me, you should probably round it up, because I'm normally told I'm a fairly tough marker (at least for English essays I am) ;)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: BPunjabi on October 05, 2016, 12:13:17 am
You are right! Nah, the HSC won't give them, but I find them helpful in giving feedback. If you get a half mark from me, you should probably round it up, because I'm normally told I'm a fairly tough marker (at least for English essays I am) ;)

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D
3/3 .... !!!!
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: zaayxo on October 05, 2016, 04:15:42 am
Thanks Jamon, you're awesome! I'll definately be revising my mistakes  :D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: ssarahj on October 05, 2016, 11:12:35 am
If anyone would be interested in marking my short answer responses for the 2013 SOR II paper, That would be awesome. Thanks so much Guys!!

Hey BPunjabi, sorry I totally missed this, I can give this a look over for you since I'm quite familiar with Buddhism (but just a warning I didn't study the specific ritual or ethic you've written about here, and obviously take the marks with a grain of salt  :) )

Question 1 Buddhism:
a) i. Outline one sig practice within Buddhism from the following: (Temple Puja)
Spoiler
One significant practice of Buddhism is temple puja, which involves celebrating and praying to Buddha at temples and monasteries. it involves worshipping, praying, lighting incense and preparing various symbolic items such as water. A bells also plays a symbolic part in temple puja, notifying adherents when it is time to pray.
Mark 2/3

Comments: This is a great basic outline, however I'd love to see some more specific detail to show the marker you know it inside out. So things like; how often does the practice occur? What is the water symbolic of? What are the bells symbolic of? Another couple of sentences maximum would really help to beef out this response!

ii. How significant for the Buddhist community is the practice identified in
part i: (Temple Puja)

Spoiler
Temple Puja is a significant part of Buddhism as it enables adherents to take part in worshipping their god, Buddha. In this practise, Buddhists provide offerings to the symbolic statues of Buddha found at Monasteries. These offerings include water which represents the purification of the mind and soul, candies providing a sense of enlightenment and flowers which represent thankfulness, respect and impermanence. Before a Buddhist enter the temple, They will take of their shoes as a sign of respect, then proceed to bowing to Buddha three times in the shrine room. As soon as Buddhists have touched their chest signifying mind, body and soul, they will recite the five precepts and three jewels as a way of praying. Buddhists then circle Buddha in the same motion in which the planets rotate around the sun.
Mark 3.5/6

Comments: Really solid outline once again, and I can see now that you left the symbolic details of the water for this answer. For a 6 mark question you should probably have a bit more detail and information and you can also afford to have a concluding sentence that ties your response together and focuses on the question. I think you could focus more on how this is significant for the Buddhist community, is it an opportunity to worship as a collective? Does it create a sense of belonging as Buddhists? Does it help to solidify their journeys towards enlightenment? Be cautious when calling Buddha a 'god'. Many Mahayana Buddhists worship the Buddha as a god-like figure, however Theravada Buddhists do not believe that the Buddha was a divine being at all. Also 'The Five Precepts' and 'The Three Jewels' deserve capitals  :)

b) Explain ethical teaching in Buddhism in one of the following areas: (Enviro Ethics)
Spoiler
Environmental Ethics is a major component of Buddhist as Buddhists believe that the environment holds a cause and effect principal. Buddhists believe that all things exist by and interrelationship with other parts of nature, to think of ones self as isolated from the rest of nature. "Do not harm a living organism" is the first of the five precepts. Ashoka, a momentous Buddhist was known for forbidding the killing of animals for resources and also establishing hospitals for people and animals. Two groups, Green Sangha and Eco Buddhism strive for teaching Adherents about history whilst supporting Peace and care for the environment.
Mark 4/6

Comments: Once again for a 6 mark question I think you can afford to write more. Don't give the marker any reason not to give you 6/6!  :) You've got awesome examples and quotes here, they just need a little bit more detail and explanation to make it flow and avoid it sounding like dot points put together in a paragraph. For example, explain why the first Precept helps Buddhists to conserve the environment, it may seem obvious but its definitely worth explaining!


Overall great job, you've got a really solid foundation and you obviously know the content, its just about fleshing them out a bit to grab those top marks  :D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: zaayxo on October 05, 2016, 01:00:39 pm
Guys this is my trials essay, not really fond about. Adding/Deleting on the essay would be much appreciated.
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on October 05, 2016, 05:25:34 pm
Guys this is my trials essay, not really fond about. Adding/Deleting on the essay would be much appreciated.

Hey there! To get a full piece marked, you'll need 15 ATAR Notes posts! If you don't think you'll reach it, I can give you a quick read and a comment if you think that would be helpful! It won't take much to get you to 15 posts, you're already asking and answering lots of questions :) Let me know what you would like :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 07, 2016, 10:54:03 pm
Hi everyone! So exams are right around the corner, and unsurprisingly, there are a HEAP of people wanting feedback on essays. Given that demand is really high, it is only natural that we will need to increase the post requirement for the coming days, to make sure that our feedback remains of the highest possible quality. Thus, for all essays posted between now (this post) and this time next week, you will need 30 posts for every essay you would like marked. Note that this does not apply to essays before this point, meaning no one is in post debt. It just means that essays 'cost more' for the next week. We appreciate your understanding :)


Note: We will be very harsh on our posting rules over the coming days. Posting in old threads, multi-posting, shit-posting and spamming (etc) to access essay marking won't work. Immediate 48 hour posting bans will be applied in all circumstances :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: BPunjabi on October 09, 2016, 04:53:37 pm
Hey BPunjabi, sorry I totally missed this, I can give this a look over for you since I'm quite familiar with Buddhism (but just a warning I didn't study the specific ritual or ethic you've written about here, and obviously take the marks with a grain of salt  :) )

Question 1 Buddhism:
a) i. Outline one sig practice within Buddhism from the following: (Temple Puja)
Spoiler
One significant practice of Buddhism is temple puja, which involves celebrating and praying to Buddha at temples and monasteries. it involves worshipping, praying, lighting incense and preparing various symbolic items such as water. A bells also plays a symbolic part in temple puja, notifying adherents when it is time to pray.
Mark 2/3

Comments: This is a great basic outline, however I'd love to see some more specific detail to show the marker you know it inside out. So things like; how often does the practice occur? What is the water symbolic of? What are the bells symbolic of? Another couple of sentences maximum would really help to beef out this response!

ii. How significant for the Buddhist community is the practice identified in
part i: (Temple Puja)

Spoiler
Temple Puja is a significant part of Buddhism as it enables adherents to take part in worshipping their god, Buddha. In this practise, Buddhists provide offerings to the symbolic statues of Buddha found at Monasteries. These offerings include water which represents the purification of the mind and soul, candies providing a sense of enlightenment and flowers which represent thankfulness, respect and impermanence. Before a Buddhist enter the temple, They will take of their shoes as a sign of respect, then proceed to bowing to Buddha three times in the shrine room. As soon as Buddhists have touched their chest signifying mind, body and soul, they will recite the five precepts and three jewels as a way of praying. Buddhists then circle Buddha in the same motion in which the planets rotate around the sun.
Mark 3.5/6

Comments: Really solid outline once again, and I can see now that you left the symbolic details of the water for this answer. For a 6 mark question you should probably have a bit more detail and information and you can also afford to have a concluding sentence that ties your response together and focuses on the question. I think you could focus more on how this is significant for the Buddhist community, is it an opportunity to worship as a collective? Does it create a sense of belonging as Buddhists? Does it help to solidify their journeys towards enlightenment? Be cautious when calling Buddha a 'god'. Many Mahayana Buddhists worship the Buddha as a god-like figure, however Theravada Buddhists do not believe that the Buddha was a divine being at all. Also 'The Five Precepts' and 'The Three Jewels' deserve capitals  :)

b) Explain ethical teaching in Buddhism in one of the following areas: (Enviro Ethics)
Spoiler
Environmental Ethics is a major component of Buddhist as Buddhists believe that the environment holds a cause and effect principal. Buddhists believe that all things exist by and interrelationship with other parts of nature, to think of ones self as isolated from the rest of nature. "Do not harm a living organism" is the first of the five precepts. Ashoka, a momentous Buddhist was known for forbidding the killing of animals for resources and also establishing hospitals for people and animals. Two groups, Green Sangha and Eco Buddhism strive for teaching Adherents about history whilst supporting Peace and care for the environment.
Mark 4/6

Comments: Once again for a 6 mark question I think you can afford to write more. Don't give the marker any reason not to give you 6/6!  :) You've got awesome examples and quotes here, they just need a little bit more detail and explanation to make it flow and avoid it sounding like dot points put together in a paragraph. For example, explain why the first Precept helps Buddhists to conserve the environment, it may seem obvious but its definitely worth explaining!


Overall great job, you've got a really solid foundation and you obviously know the content, its just about fleshing them out a bit to grab those top marks  :D

Oh Im so so sorry SSarahJ totally did not see your comments. Thank you so much!!
Yeah I see, I have to work on my integration of knowledge
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: sacha-bono on October 10, 2016, 01:23:12 pm
Hi, here is an essay i have written for christian bioethics. If i could get some feedback on it that would be great thankyou :)

Spoiler
ethics are the moral principles which govern the adherents actions in guiding them into what is right and wrong. Bioethics are the ethics that surround biomedical issues which interfere with human life and their connection to society, politics and law. Bioethics is crucial when making of the moral decision in health related contexts.

 Christian bioethics are derived from 1. natural law which refers to the code of moral law installed in humans to use their intelligence to decipher between right and wrong. 2. biblical ethics: what the bible says in relation to bioethics and 3. situational and contextual approach: which refers to what would be the best outcome for the people involved and what is morally correct in relation to the situation. Other governing principles of bioethics include scripture from the Bible and the most modern article being the catholic catechism which interprets the bible to provide foundation answers to question of bio ethical issues in a modern day society. The catholic catechism is a collection of written contributions from varying popes and their understandings of what the bible implied.

Christians overarching view on bioethics stems from the principles beliefs 1. sanctity of life 2. love of god 3. love of neighbour 4.god is the creator of all 5. man is made in the image of god. 6. integrity and dignity of Gods creation 7. stewardship.
8. divine sovereignty of God. Many of the bio ethical issues society faces today were pre-existent in the time of Jesus and the construction of the bible which is why there is no direct teaching on matters such as abortion, genetic engineering or euthanasia. Christians hence interpret the bible and apply the principle teachings in relation respect, sustainability and integrity for human life.

Abortion is the deliberate termination of an unborn child during the first 28 weeks of pregnancy any deliberate termination of life after this is murder. Christianity condemns abortion on the basis of christian beliefs 1. the sanctity of life 2. love of your neighbour 3. humans are made in the image of god integrity of Gods creation. It is also condemns on the basis of scripture exodus 20:13 "thou shall not kill". By the adherent committing the act of abortion they are ultimately interfering with the natural process of life and deeming themselves more authoritative than god hence disrespecting what it means to be a true christian. Birth and death are part of the natural process of life created by god which must be respected in honour of God. Abortion is also prohibited on the foundation commandment of (genesis 1:28) "be fruitful and multiply". The deliberate killing of a fetus defies this commandments and is  deemed a mortal sin. The variants of Christianity hold  similar views on abortion. Catholics condemn the act and deem it a mortal sin, The Anglican denomination condemn the act but under extreme circumstances considered necessary, such circumstances may consists of
1. the mother's life is at risk if the pregnancy is completed
2.The pregnancy is from rape, not consensual or incest
3. the mother and unborn are both at risk of death
The unity church have a range of varying perspectives but base their decisions on the aspects of mercy and compassion.
Ultimately abortion is rejected by Christianity as it defies the principles beliefs and principle teachings and defies Gods ultimate purpose for life.

There are many situations in modern day society where decision making is highly biased and controversial. The act of Euthanasia is an significant aspect of modern day society and requires a unbiased and thoughtful decision to be made. Euthanasia is the deliberate termination of a person's life due to suffering, mentally or physically severally. Christians do not believe in letting or seeing people suffer but they also acknowledge that they do not have authority to make decisions regarding life or death of another human. this becomes very challenging for Christians in regards to euthanasia. To rationalise responses to the bioethic of euthanasia Christians refer to scripture, the catholic catechism and principle teachings and beliefs of the religion.  The bible states "exodus 20;13" thou shall not kill" this is a broad statement which applies to a vast range of situations and due to the fact that euthanasia is a modern challenge Christians face there is no direct reference to euthanasia in the bible therefore Christians must use this teaching to rationalise decision making.  The catholic catechism article 2277 states that " Whatever its motives and means, direct euthanasia consists in putting an end to the lives of handicapped, sick, or dying persons. It is morally unacceptable."
this statement ultimately guides adherence to an understanding of Christianity view on euthanasia and that it is highly opposed and should not be completed by any adherent. The beliefs and principles of the religion also outline why euthanasia is morally unacceptable because 1. sanctity of life 2. love of god 3. love of neighbour 4.god is the creator of all 5. man is made in the image of god. 6. integrity and dignity of Gods creation 7. stewardship.
8. divine sovereignty of God.
Conservative Christians often argue that the pain and suffering witnessed by the human likens them to Jesus suffering and pain he endured to relieve adherents from all sin, therefore pain and suffering is a necessary aspect of the adherents religious life.
Euthanasia is evidently oppose euthanasia on the basis of the natural process of life, humans inferior authority to the divine being God.

Christians acknowledge that humans are made in the image and likeness of god (gensis 1:27) which underpins the rejection for the need of the bio ethical issue of genetic engineering. Genetic engineering is the creation of new forms or adapting those forms to create something new, improved or different. It is highly unaccepted within the christian denominations and community. To Christians genetic engineering is seen as humans trying to alter Gods creation and trying to replace the miracle of Gods creation which is unacceptable. The beliefs of Christianity state that 1. God is the creator of all 2. man is made in the image of god. 3. integrity and dignity of Gods creation. No human has been granted to authority, knowledge or power to override Gods creation for medical advancement or physical advancement.

Bioethics in christianity ultimately guide the adherent to ensure the best possible situation and outcome is achieved. The principle beliefs of the religion and teachings from scripture influence the adherents decisions hence why it is  important they play a significant role, have a dominant place and have meaning in the life of the adherent.


Moderator Edit: Just put your essay in a spoiler :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: studybuddy7777 on October 10, 2016, 01:26:12 pm
Hey Sacha, welcome to atarnotes!

We have a system of essays marked per post and currently this means 30 posts are required to get an essay marked. It wont take long dont worry :)

The full t&c's are down below :D
Hi everyone! So exams are right around the corner, and unsurprisingly, there are a HEAP of people wanting feedback on essays. Given that demand is really high, it is only natural that we will need to increase the post requirement for the coming days, to make sure that our feedback remains of the highest possible quality. Thus, for all essays posted between now (this post) and this time next week, you will need 30 posts for every essay you would like marked. Note that this does not apply to essays before this point, meaning no one is in post debt. It just means that essays 'cost more' for the next week. We appreciate your understanding :)


Note: We will be very harsh on our posting rules over the coming days. Posting in old threads, multi-posting, shit-posting and spamming (etc) to access essay marking won't work. Immediate 48 hour posting bans will be applied in all circumstances :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on October 10, 2016, 07:57:37 pm
Hi, here is an essay i have written for christian bioethics. If i could get some feedback on it that would be great thankyou :)


Just some brief feedback in your time of need despite not meeting full marking criteria :)

-Don't use a numbering system to identify a listing of things. Write in full sentences.
-Excellent work linking to the principal beliefs!
-And excellent work showing variation between denominations :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: BPunjabi on October 10, 2016, 11:56:58 pm
Hey Sacha, welcome to atarnotes!

We have a system of essays marked per post and currently this means 30 posts are required to get an essay marked. It wont take long dont worry :)

The full t&c's are down below :D

Good Moderatoring Studybuddy :P

Welcome Sacha <3
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: kimmie on October 23, 2016, 01:04:03 am
okay so i was stalking the forums to improve in sor  ;D and someone gave this question. “Religious traditions change over time, often due to the influence of specific individuals or schools of thought. These individuals or ideas may offer new interpretations and redirect the future path of the religion.” Analyse the above statement, referring to a significant person (Moses Maimonides) or school of thought other than Abraham or Moses.

So i was wondering if they give a question like this in the exam, but for Islam (A'isha), can i disagree with the statement and say how religious traditions do not necessarily change because of this significant person but they make the religion more understandable (if thats a word lol) and thus redirect the future path of the religion by making it more accessible to modern adherents? because i ve heard that disagreeing with a statement set by the question will yield lower marks as bostes doesn't like it idk what do you guys think?
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 23, 2016, 02:17:18 am
okay so i was stalking the forums to improve in sor  ;D and someone gave this question. “Religious traditions change over time, often due to the influence of specific individuals or schools of thought. These individuals or ideas may offer new interpretations and redirect the future path of the religion.” Analyse the above statement, referring to a significant person (Moses Maimonides) or school of thought other than Abraham or Moses.

So i was wondering if they give a question like this in the exam, but for Islam (A'isha), can i disagree with the statement and say how religious traditions do not necessarily change because of this significant person but they make the religion more understandable (if thats a word lol) and thus redirect the future path of the religion by making it more accessible to modern adherents? because i ve heard that disagreeing with a statement set by the question will yield lower marks as bostes doesn't like it idk what do you guys think?

Hey hey! ;D

So to start, I've never heard a credible source tell me that BOSTES will mark down for disagreeing with their statement ;) so for now at least, I'll refute that! But what you will lose marks for is not addressing it at all. You can't go; "Yeah I disagree, now let me talk about my memorised content." You need to be consistently presenting an argument that relates to the prompt; but perhaps goes a different way. I personally love what you've discussed above; frame it correctly and argue it throughout the essay, you'd be on a winner! Just make sure you address the question well enough, maybe like:

Religious traditions are ultimately steered into the future by significant persons. Often these individuals do not signficantly change the tradition, but offer new interpretations of the universal truths of the faith,  Such is true for the Islamic religious tradition and the impacts on development and expression instigated by A'isha...

Or, something, ahaha... Totally not perfect, but you get what I'm going for I hope :) but yep, really like your thinking here Kimmie ;D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: kimmie on October 23, 2016, 02:53:38 am
lol that source is my teacher  ;D i guess she doesn't want kids screwing their exams up by arguing wrong stuff anyway thanks for the help! i better hit the books now


Hey hey! ;D

So to start, I've never heard a credible source tell me that BOSTES will mark down for disagreeing with their statement ;) so for now at least, I'll refute that! But what you will lose marks for is not addressing it at all. You can't go; "Yeah I disagree, now let me talk about my memorised content." You need to be consistently presenting an argument that relates to the prompt; but perhaps goes a different way. I personally love what you've discussed above; frame it correctly and argue it throughout the essay, you'd be on a winner! Just make sure you address the question well enough, maybe like:

Religious traditions are ultimately steered into the future by significant persons. Often these individuals do not signficantly change the tradition, but offer new interpretations of the universal truths of the faith,  Such is true for the Islamic religious tradition and the impacts on development and expression instigated by A'isha...

Or, something, ahaha... Totally not perfect, but you get what I'm going for I hope :) but yep, really like your thinking here Kimmie ;D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 23, 2016, 11:52:18 am
lol that source is my teacher  ;D i guess she doesn't want kids screwing their exams up by arguing wrong stuff anyway thanks for the help! i better hit the books now

Fair enough! Yeah look, it's riskier, but done correctly it is fine! :) one of the other NatMods (Jake) made a living out of disagreeing with every English question he was given, so it's definitely cool if you know what you are doing, which it sounds like you are ;D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: studybuddy7777 on October 24, 2016, 10:56:33 am
Hey guys,
Not an essay but an 8 marker (whats the difference lol)

Knock yourselves out!! ;D ;D
Could I please get this marked and a mark given out of 8 please?
Thanks again you amazing people :)

Ps If you want the marking guidelines, I have included the year and question below. Marking guidelines are
here
Spoiler
2010 2b) Section II SOR2
8 MARKS- CHRISTIANITY SIGNIFICANT PRACTICE
The significance of baptism to the lives of adherents is hard to be overestimated. The reason why there is such importance for the sacrament of baptism leads back to the sacrament being very community based. Adherents all watch and witness the sacrament and welcome the newly baptised into the church.

The way that water is used to baptise a person about to be baptised varies by denomination. Some such as Orthodox immerse the whole body (Orthodox does this three times, while others only may do one immersion), while others such as Roman Catholicism chooses to pour the water on the patient's forehead. Some other churches may also choose to sprinkle water on the person to be baptised.

The baptismal candle is also a highly significant symbol in the sacrament of baptism. The candle is symbolic of the adherent receiving the "light of the world" and the correct way to go about seeking out God in their everyday lives. Baptism allows the person to become a Christian adherent, and this is the only way they can truly be recognised a Christian by the church, reinforcing the significance of this to the lives of adherents.

In conclusion, Baptism is the only sacrament recognised among all Christian denominations and is truly a right of passage for the individual. This clearly expresses how important this sacrament is to Christians, both newly baptised and less recently baptised adherents. 

Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on October 24, 2016, 05:33:51 pm
Hey guys,
Not an essay but an 8 marker (whats the difference lol)

Knock yourselves out!! ;D ;D
Could I please get this marked and a mark given out of 8 please?
Thanks again you amazing people :)

Ps If you want the marking guidelines, I have included the year and question below. Marking guidelines are
here


Heya!

Spoiler
The significance of baptism to the lives of adherents is hard to be overestimated. The reason why there is such importance for the sacrament of baptism leads back to the sacrament practice - don't repeat sacrament :) being very community based. Adherents all watch and witness the sacrament and welcome the newly baptised into the church. This last statement is a bit of an overstatement - "adherents all" - not all adherents are present for a Baptism. It's just a little wording thing.

The way that water is used to baptise a person about to be baptised varies by denomination. Some such as Orthodox immerse the whole body (Orthodox does this three times, while others only may do one immersion), while others such as Roman Catholicism chooses to pour the water on the patient's forehead. Some other churches may also choose to sprinkle water on the person to be baptised. This doesn't actually provide any detailing to the importance of Baptism to an adherence - without actually connecting it like that it is a waste of your words.

The baptismal candle is also a highly significant symbol in the sacrament of baptism. The candle is symbolic of the adherent receiving the "light of the world" and the correct way to go about seeking out God in their everyday lives. Baptism allows the person to become a Christian adherent, and this is the only way they can truly be recognised a Christian by the church, reinforcing the significance of this to the lives of adherents. Better!

In conclusion, Baptism is the only sacrament recognised among all Christian denominations and is truly a right of passage for the individual. This clearly expresses how important this sacrament is to Christians, both newly baptised and less recently baptised adherents. 


Just a few things to work on:
-Baptism is not recognised by all Christian denominations. Quakers and the Salvation Army do not practice Baptism - so that is a good point to discuss.
-I see that you've taken the approach of looking at the symbols, and in some essay structures this could be great. Although here, I don't think it is wisest. It means that you are emphasising the aspects that influence the adherent, and rather that becomes an after thought.
-I think it would be more powerful if you went in with sentences/paragraphs that focused on really specific events within the ceremony. Such as, prayer. Prayer is probably the easiest aspect of Baptism to link to just about everything, but it's overlooked because it is so obvious. So consider writing about prayer as being a way to unite the community, consecrate the relationship with God, and to provide a connection and guidance for/with the adherent.
-Sacred texts and writings! For an 8 marker, it's very valuable to be putting in references to these great sources so that you truly ground your understanding in the roots of the religion!
-Perhaps talk about it being a central rite for several denominations - really put the importance of the practice in its place! :)

Overall, I'd give this about a 4. I'm not dismissing your knowledge of the practice, because I can see it's there. It's more about adjusting your wording and judiciously choosing exactly which information you want to put into this. Let me know if I can be of any more help! Super keen to help with SOR. :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: Lauradf36 on October 24, 2016, 06:00:35 pm
Hey y'all, would you mind having a look at my religion & peace essay - semi timed? (I say semi because I timed myself while writing... but then edited it cos I was typing. But yeah.)

Spoiler
Discuss how the principal teachings of TWO religious traditions contribute to inner peace.

Peace can be described as a sense of wellbeing and freedom from conflict, fear, and injustice. In an internal sense, this relates to the individual’s personal wellbeing and desire to form stability in their own relationships and communities. The Christian idea of peace is based on the Greek word “Eirene”, meaning “harmony one another”. The Jewish religion focusses on the idea of “Shalom”, or a universal flourishing and wholeness. The principal teachings of Christianity contribute to inner peace through Salvation, special revelation, and the nature of God, while the teachings of Judaism contribute through repentance, the covenant, and the moral law prescribed by God. Overall, these religious traditions are integral to providing inner peace for the individual.

The teaching of Salvation in Christianity firstly contributes to inner peace by creating peace between the individual and God. Salvation is believed to be the act of Jesus dying for adherents’ sins, destroying death and removing God’s anger so they may have eternal life. 1 John 1:9 explains this process as “if we confess our sins… he is faithful and just, and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.” Evidently, the act of removing sins allows believers to create a personal and holy union with God. Romans 5:1 further indicates this as “Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” This demonstrates how the act of justification and propitiation provides inner peace with the Christian deity. Jesus’ ultimate resurrection and ascension three days after he died is seen to completely destroy the rift between individuals and God, allowing them to form a personal relationship with him. This resurrection also illustrates that while earthly suffering is temporary, peace with God is eternal. A sense of wellbeing is provided in response to this saving grace. Hence, the teaching of Salvation clearly contributes to a believer’s inner peace.

Principal teachings on general and special revelation are also central to demonstrating the role of inner peace in a believer’s life. Specific revelation through prayer and reading of sacred texts is perceived differently by variants, but is generally understood to sustain and nurture their personal relationships with God. Peace is often seen as the central focus of an individual’s energies, as Philippians 4:7 emphasises “the peace of God, which transcends all understanding…” to recognise its significance. Confessional prayers such as 1 John 1:9 are used by Catholic variants in a formal setting, whilst Protestants contain these prayers to the private and personal. The Catholic tradition further uses rosary beads and meditation to enhance an individual’s peace with God. They consider the idea of “practising the presence of God” significant, based on 1 Thessalonians 5:16 which instructs believers to “pray without ceasing”, and thus encourage an individual’s closeness to God. Protestant traditions utilise more informal prayers, with Pentecostal denominations emphasising the use of music and speaking in tongues to foster specific revelation, and Anglican using prayer books. All the variants nonetheless use these teachings to contribute to a sense of inner peace with God.

Principal teachings on the nature of God also catalyse a call for believers to produce peace in their relationships and communities. The belief that individuals are made in the image of God is demonstrated in Genesis 1:27, which states that “in the image of God he created them.” The belief in God’s sovereignty as a monotheistic deity fosters a value of the ultimate equality, dignity, and worth of all humans. The action of bringing peace in other’s lives is hence valued in the New Testament. For example, Jesus states in the Beatitudes that “blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God” (Matthew 5:9). This reflects a sense of individual wellbeing from producing peace in their own lives. Adherents are also called to bring reconciliation in their relationships rather than revenge or violence due to their value of others. Furthermore, the omniscience and supremacy of God is seen to be reflected in his son, Jesus. Adherents believe they must emulate him as the “prince of peace”, as demonstrated in the Lord’s prayer call to “forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.” This hence contributes to the individual’s sense of peace in reflecting the nature of God.

The teachings of repentance in Judaism additionally influence their sense of inner peace, through rituals and ceremonies aiming to create peace with God. The ceremony of Yom Kippur is significant as a reflection of the individual’s repentance and return to the covenant, and is celebrated on the 10th day of the month of Tishri as the “Day of Atonement”. On the day, individuals will “divorce” themselves from the human world by wearing white as a symbol of their purification before God. Inner reflection will also be undertaken by fasting, reading the Torah, and prayer, fostering personal peace. Passages from the prophetic vision of Isaiah are also recited, written during the Syro-Ephraimite war when the Jewish people were called to turn from their corruption. Isaiah’s call to repent and turn to the covenant is seen as he states “Zion shall be redeemed by justice, and those who repent, by righteousness.” (Isaiah 1:27) Isaiah prophesied visions of peace and future kingdoms for the Israelite people if they re-established their covenantal relationship with God, symbolised in the hopeful land of “Zion”. The ceremony thus encourages adherents to form an inner peace with God based on their repentance and the promises it provides.

Principal beliefs about the covenant further contribute to inner peace in the Jewish religion. The covenant is seen to define the relationship between God and his people, as God rescues them and they respond by obeying the law. When believers adhere to their obligations, they also receive blessings defined by the covenant. A central blessing is seen in Numbers 6:24-6, which states, “The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance toward you and give you peace.” (Numbers 6:24-6) These blessings were first recited by Aaron and Moses in 1400BCE, and are now recited by parents to their children weekly, as well as to congregations on spiritually significant occasions. This reflects the role of the covenant in affirming an individual’s inner peace with God. Prayers are also used for blessings, and often begin by praising God to reflect the importance of this covenantal unity. For example, the Sheva Brachot or 7 blessings recited in a marriage ceremony state, “Praise are You, O Lord our God, King of the Universe.” This hence affirms an individual’s peace with God through the covenant.

Teachings of Judaism lastly contribute to inner peace by emphasising obedience to the moral law prescribed by God. Adherents believe that performing the mitzvot, or law, is a form of tikkun olam. This key teaching focusses on the repairing of the world, and thus provides an individual with healing from brokenness. Peace is seen as a reward for obedience to the law, as the 613 commands were given to Moses from God, affirming their divinity. The prophetic vision of Isaiah also confirms the importance of obedience, as he states that “Those who walk uprightly enter into peace.” (Isaiah 57:2) This further fosters a believer’s inner peace through their relationship with God. Many of the mitzvot also encourage inner peace in their relation to social justice and equality. For example, Micah 6:8 states, “And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.” Adhering to these requirements hence creates greater individual wellbeing. A common Jewish greeting of “Ma Schlomcha” or “how is your peace” also encourages individuals to hold each other accountable for obedience. This reflects the importance of obeying the law in providing individuals with inner peace.

It is therefore evident that the principal teachings of Christianity contribute to inner peace through Salvation, special revelation, and the nature of God, while the teachings of Judaism contribute through repentance, the covenant, and the moral law prescribed by God. Ultimately, these teachings are imperative for providing an individual with a sense of wellbeing and a strong relationship with their deity that will sustain them throughout life.

Also I finally worked out what a Spoiler is WOO
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: studybuddy7777 on October 25, 2016, 09:16:13 am
Heya!

Spoiler
The significance of baptism to the lives of adherents is hard to be overestimated. The reason why there is such importance for the sacrament of baptism leads back to the sacrament practice - don't repeat sacrament :) being very community based. Adherents all watch and witness the sacrament and welcome the newly baptised into the church. This last statement is a bit of an overstatement - "adherents all" - not all adherents are present for a Baptism. It's just a little wording thing.

The way that water is used to baptise a person about to be baptised varies by denomination. Some such as Orthodox immerse the whole body (Orthodox does this three times, while others only may do one immersion), while others such as Roman Catholicism chooses to pour the water on the patient's forehead. Some other churches may also choose to sprinkle water on the person to be baptised. This doesn't actually provide any detailing to the importance of Baptism to an adherence - without actually connecting it like that it is a waste of your words.

The baptismal candle is also a highly significant symbol in the sacrament of baptism. The candle is symbolic of the adherent receiving the "light of the world" and the correct way to go about seeking out God in their everyday lives. Baptism allows the person to become a Christian adherent, and this is the only way they can truly be recognised a Christian by the church, reinforcing the significance of this to the lives of adherents. Better!

In conclusion, Baptism is the only sacrament recognised among all Christian denominations and is truly a right of passage for the individual. This clearly expresses how important this sacrament is to Christians, both newly baptised and less recently baptised adherents. 


Just a few things to work on:
-Baptism is not recognised by all Christian denominations. Quakers and the Salvation Army do not practice Baptism - so that is a good point to discuss.
-I see that you've taken the approach of looking at the symbols, and in some essay structures this could be great. Although here, I don't think it is wisest. It means that you are emphasising the aspects that influence the adherent, and rather that becomes an after thought.
-I think it would be more powerful if you went in with sentences/paragraphs that focused on really specific events within the ceremony. Such as, prayer. Prayer is probably the easiest aspect of Baptism to link to just about everything, but it's overlooked because it is so obvious. So consider writing about prayer as being a way to unite the community, consecrate the relationship with God, and to provide a connection and guidance for/with the adherent.
-Sacred texts and writings! For an 8 marker, it's very valuable to be putting in references to these great sources so that you truly ground your understanding in the roots of the religion!
-Perhaps talk about it being a central rite for several denominations - really put the importance of the practice in its place! :)

Overall, I'd give this about a 4. I'm not dismissing your knowledge of the practice, because I can see it's there. It's more about adjusting your wording and judiciously choosing exactly which information you want to put into this. Let me know if I can be of any more help! Super keen to help with SOR. :)

Thanks for that elyse!!
My school actually did marriage but I couldnt write much on it (as I found out in trials..) so now I am doing baptism and it is a whole lot easier. That was the first time i wrote about baptism and to get a 4/8 is alright seeing as I didnt get that in marriage, despite studying that all year..

Thanks again! :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on October 25, 2016, 10:33:23 am
Thanks for that elyse!!
My school actually did marriage but I couldnt write much on it (as I found out in trials..) so now I am doing baptism and it is a whole lot easier. That was the first time i wrote about baptism and to get a 4/8 is alright seeing as I didnt get that in marriage, despite studying that all year..

Thanks again! :)

Admittedly, I thought marriage was really tricky as well when I was making the SOR notes. Hopefully this helps you in the right direction! The extended response last year was on practice, so it's probably unlikely that it will happen again :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: studybuddy7777 on October 25, 2016, 12:36:09 pm
Hey everyone!!

I have now made an integrated essay following the question from the 2010 HSC which can be found here!

Thanks again for doing this for me!! Could I please also get a mark out of 20 as this is the first integrated response I have attempted (better to face my demons now than in the HSC exam right? :))

Just as a general FYI as well, I completed this in 37 minutes (went 2 min over, but I'll make that up in the MC)

essay in here :)
Q4 Islam: Section III 2010 HSC
This quotation clearly expresses the distinctive Islamic answer to the enduring questions of human existence. This is evident when the reference is observed, Quran 1: 2-6, meaning it is one of the first words of the Quran, which highlights the importance of this quote. The term 'Islam' literally translates to 'submission' and this is addressed in the Quran many times such as "You alone do we turn for help" (Quran 1)

Throughout her life, Rabi'a Al-Addiwiyya preached her teachings of mahabbah (divine love) and uns (oneness of Allah) with Islamic adherents she met in Basra, where she was born, to the places she travelled. She was a celibate who lived an ascetic lifestyle, and she helped others to be "guided along the straight path" (Quran 1). She also asked and answered many of the enduring questions about human existence, which are mentioned in her poetry. In her poetry, she also used terms to express her love for Allah such as "Most Gracious, Most Merciful" (Quran 1) as well as the titles of her poems "My Companion", "My Beloved" and "Your Eternal Beauty" to name a few. Rabi'a preached uns and mahabbah throughout her life to "guide others along the straight path" (Quran 1) as well as making those adherents realise "in Allah alone we turn for help" (Quran 1). Wherever she went she would carry very few possessions, such as a small reed mat which doubled up for sleeping and praying and a few other basic items. Once she was seen carrying a bucket of water and when asked why she responded "I am going to extinguish the fires of hell." This truly emphasises how "guided along the straight path" she was, and how she could express the Islamic search for meaning just like the aforementioned quote does.

Hajj is a practice of Islam which also has similar intentions. Hajj is a religious pilgrimage that every adherent is supposed to take in their life, subject to meeting financial and physical means. Before the Hajj, pilgrims attend Mecca where the Hajj begins, they must achieve a state of ihram. This involves changing into simple white garments and emphasises a state of purity, equality as well as the absence of fighting and the use of products such as deodorant or makeup. Once the pilgrims are in Mecca, they firstly have to circumambulate the Kabah seven times, in a fast walk reciting "we are responding to your call O God, we are responding to your call." Hajj is a pilgrimage which involves many rituals that aim to "guide adherents along the straight path." The stoning of the jamras during the Hajj also support this, and further the notion that "You alone do we turn to for help". As the jamras are stone statues representing the devil, this is saying that Muslims are not to turn to the devil, or accept the devil's temptations. Terms such as "Most Gracious, Most Merciful God" truly emphasise how much faith Islamic adherents place in Allah, consistent with the fact that Allah means submission. When pilgrims pray at the Mount of Mercy they pray similar to how Rabi'a did. They pray "In the name of the God, most gracious, most merciful" from when they arrive until after sunset (normally until midnight). This is consistent with the submission that Rabi'a gave Allah and how she taught Islam to do the same. Surely this has "guided adherents along the straight path" and answers the enduring questions of human existence clearly.

Sexual ethics in Islam is only partly "In the name of God" as the Hadith (words of the Prophet Muhammed) and the qiyas (Islamic scholars) also have a large say in the ethical situation. Some issues such as contraception are not addressed in the Quran because such issues were not heard of in the time the Quran was written. Therefore adherents must look to the Hadith and the qiyas for ethical guidance on how to live their lives. While Allah can "guide adherents towards the straight path" it is only a guide, and he cannot simply expect adherents to turn to "You alone for help". Allah recognises this and this is okay with him because he is "Most Merciful". It is only in this way that an adherent can fulfil the obligations set by Allah and the Prophet Muhammad. Issues such as polygamy are addressed and supported. "Marry women of your choice: two or three, or four" (Qu'ran). Some issues such as premarital sex have not changed over time however and still remain strictly forbidden. When a woman is alone with a man the devil creates a third" (Hadith). This emphasises the need to resist the temptation of the devil, similar to the stoning of the jamras on Hajj. It is only in this way that adherents can "turn to Allah alone for help" (Quran 1)

Rabi'a once said "God can give me twice of what a husband can give me" and this is consistent with the teachings of sufis, where they live a mystical life with a direct, unmediated experience with the divine and do not accept other distractions such as husbands. This is the same as the state of ihram all adherents are to be on throughout the duration of the Hajj; to only think about Allah and not lustful thoughts on distractions such as a husband or a wife. Pilgrims are called to live a simple, uncomplicated life while on the Hajj just like Rabi'a did. This is ultimately how an adherent is "guided along the straight path" by the "most gracious, most merciful God".

In conclusion, the aforementioned quotation truly expresses the distinctive Islamic answer to the enduring questions of human existence. Rabi'a preached throughout her life to "turn to Allah alone for help" while Hajj aims to "guide adherents along the straight path." However, for some issue in sexual ethics an adherent can't simply "turn to You for help" and must turn to Muhammad or the qiyas for guidance on how to live their lives and fulfil their obligations set to them by Allah and the Prophet Muhammad.

Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on October 26, 2016, 07:59:36 am
Hey everyone!!

I have now made an integrated essay following the question from the 2010 HSC which can be found here!

Thanks again for doing this for me!! Could I please also get a mark out of 20 as this is the first integrated response I have attempted (better to face my demons now than in the HSC exam right? :))

Just as a general FYI as well, I completed this in 37 minutes (went 2 min over, but I'll make that up in the MC)


Sorry I missed this one yesterday! :) How are you feeling for tomorrow?
Yes! Face your demons now, that was always my way of approaching it all! Study time is the best for this kind of thing - provided that you can manage to not freak yourself out  :P

Spoiler
This quotation I'd say: Qur'an 1:2-6 clearly... this way you're sounding a little more sophisticated :) clearly expresses the distinctive Islamic answer to the enduring questions of human existence. This is evident when the reference is observed, Quran 1: 2-6, meaning it is one of the first words of the Quran, which highlights the importance of this quote. Unique analysis! I didn't consider that, I like it. The term 'Islam' literally translates to 'submission' in English and this is addressed in the Quran many times such as "You alone do we turn for help" (Quran 1) I think we need more from this introduction - this was the year that they didn't specify one of the three aspects of the religion, they wanted you to bring it all together. I think this needs to be addressed in your introduction, exactly what makes up this dynamic living tradition? Person, practice, ethics. Currently, there's no indication of what you'll be talking about, when ideally, I'd know that PLUS a few main ideas you'll explore. I think the best idea when confronted with a question like this, is to identify the religion as a "dynamic living religious tradition" - this way you encompass that it is varied, expressed today, yet a tradition to be adhered to. If you're going to tackle an integrated essay, then that's even more important :)

Introduce the significance of a person in the religion before diving into biography. Throughout her life, Rabi'a Al-Addiwiyya preached her teachings of mahabbah (divine love) and uns (oneness of Allah) with Islamic adherents she met in Basra, where she was born, to the places she travelled. She was a celibate who lived an ascetic lifestyle, and she helped others to be "guided along the straight path" (Quran 1). She also asked and answered many of the enduring questions about human existence, which are mentioned in her poetry. In her poetry, she also used terms to express her love for Allah such as "Most Gracious, Most Merciful" (Quran 1) as well as the titles of her poems "My Companion", "My Beloved" and "Your Eternal Beauty" to name a few. Rabi'a preached uns and mahabbah throughout her life to "guide others along the straight path" (Quran 1) as well as making those adherents realise "in Allah alone we turn for help" (Quran 1). Wherever she went she would carry very few possessions, such as a small reed mat which doubled up for sleeping and praying and a few other basic items. Once she was seen carrying a bucket of water and when asked why she responded "I am going to extinguish the fires of hell." This truly emphasises how "guided along the straight path" she was, and how she could express the Islamic search for meaning just like the aforementioned quote does. It's a good integration of the stimulus here - you've embedded it well. What is lacking is an identification of the enduring questions of Islam - and how they are supported/answered by the quote and the significant person.

Hajj is a practice of Islam which also has similar intentions to the sig person. Hajj is a religious pilgrimage that every adherent is supposed to take in their life, subject to meeting financial and physical means. Before the Hajj, pilgrims attend Mecca where the Hajj begins, they must achieve a state of ihram. This involves changing into simple white garments and emphasises a state of purity, equality as well as the absence of fighting and the use of products such as deodorant or makeup. Once the pilgrims are in Mecca, they firstly have to circumambulate the Kabah seven times, in a fast walk reciting "we are responding to your call O God, we are responding to your call." Hajj is a pilgrimage which involves many rituals that aim to "guide adherents along the straight path." The stoning of the jamras during the Hajj also support this, and further the notion that "You alone do we turn to for help". As the jamras are stone statues representing the devil, this is saying that Muslims are not to turn to the devil, or accept the devil's temptations. Terms such as "Most Gracious, Most Merciful God" truly emphasise how much faith Islamic adherents place in Allah, consistent with the fact that Allah means submission. When pilgrims pray at the Mount of Mercy they pray similar to how Rabi'a did. They pray "In the name of the God, most gracious, most merciful" from when they arrive until after sunset (normally until midnight). This is consistent with the submission that Rabi'a gave Allah and how she taught Islam to do the same. Surely this has "guided adherents along the straight path" and answers the enduring questions of human existence clearly. Your knowledge on the religion is really good - I can't fault the evidence you're bringing forward. It's judicious. What is lacking in this one is the use of the stimulus essay question. You were quite strong on the stimulus in the first paragraph, but this one not so much. Remember to identify the source/reference when you use the stimulus to emphasise it. But also, Sacred Texts and Writing quotes besides the stimulus would also add something to your work!

Sexual ethics in Islam is only partly "In the name of God" as the Hadith (words of the Prophet Muhammed) and the qiyas (Islamic scholars) also have a large say in the ethical situation. Unique view! Nice! Some issues such as contraception are not addressed in the Quran directly because such issues were not heard of in the time the Quran was written. I could be wrong, but I seem to remember something about contraception appearing in the Qur'an, I feel like they used sheep skin as a condom-style contraception. I could definitely be wrong here, it could have come from a scholar later! Therefore adherents must look to the Hadith and the qiyas for ethical guidance on how to live their lives. While Allah can "guide adherents towards the straight path" it is only a guide, and he cannot simply expect adherents to turn to "You alone for help". Allah recognises this and this is okay with him because he is "Most Merciful". It is only in this way that an adherent can fulfil the obligations set by Allah and the Prophet Muhammad. Issues such as polygamy are addressed and supported. "Marry women of your choice: two or three, or four" (Qu'ran). Some issues such as premarital sex have not changed over time however and still remain strictly forbidden. When a woman is alone with a man the devil creates a third" (Hadith). This emphasises the need to resist the temptation of the devil, similar to the stoning of the jamras on Hajj. It is only in this way that adherents can "turn to Allah alone for help" (Quran 1) You've approached the most difficult section: ethics, really well. You've connected the sources of ethics well to the teachings and then applied it. Again - we need to identify what the enduring questions of the religion are, and then follow it up with exactly how they are addressed.

Rabi'a once said "God can give me twice of what a husband can give me" and this is consistent with the teachings of sufis, where they live a mystical life with a direct, unmediated experience with the divine and do not accept other distractions such as husbands. haha - *giggles because its so true** This is the same as the state of ihram all adherents are to be on throughout the duration of the Hajj; to only think about Allah and not lustful thoughts on distractions such as a husband or a wife. Pilgrims are called to live a simple, uncomplicated life while on the Hajj just like Rabi'a did. This is ultimately how an adherent is "guided along the straight path" by the "most gracious, most merciful God".

In conclusion, the aforementioned quotation Qur'an 1:2-6truly expresses the distinctive Islamic answer to the enduring questions of human existence. Rabi'a preached throughout her life to "turn to Allah alone for help" while Hajj aims to "guide adherents along the straight path." However, for some issue in sexual ethics an adherent can't simply "turn to You for help" and must turn to Muhammad or the qiyas for guidance on how to live their lives and fulfil their obligations set to them by Allah and the Prophet Muhammad.

I can't believe this is your first attempt at an integrated essay, you've done an excellent job. The way you've selected evidence is judicious and shows that you know a lot about the subject, and you have the luxury to pick and choose the evidence you feel like at the time. There are a few things to work on:

-Don't hold back from smashing the stimulus - repeat the reference as many times as you need, like you have in the first body paragraph.
-If the essay question specifies something obscure like "enduring questions" then you need to identify what those enduring questions are, and then go on to explain how they are addressed. I would say that enduring questions is something about the principal belief Al-Qadr - the mysterious balance between Allah's predestined route for people, but also their human capacity and autonomy to make decisions within that route. I think this applies to all three sections of the religion.
-Other quotes: We need just a few more quotes in there from other sources to reallllly ramp up the response. Even if you just get two quotes for Islam that deal with overarching ideas (submission, love, devotion, etc) then you are bumping your essay up enormously.
-Lastly, principal beliefs. These can be applied to every single aspect - person, ethics, practice, and do an excellent job of really boosting the sophistication of your essay, for very little effort. I'm talking about looking into Tawhid, Al-Qadr, Rusul, etc. These boost your essay!

Essentially, you've done a great job here. It's just about tweaking it that little tiny bit, and for timed conditions, this is reallllly good! Hopefully you can take some of this on board :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: studybuddy7777 on October 26, 2016, 08:09:18 am
Sorry I missed this one yesterday! :) How are you feeling for tomorrow?
Yes! Face your demons now, that was always my way of approaching it all! Study time is the best for this kind of thing - provided that you can manage to not freak yourself out  :P

Spoiler
This quotation I'd say: Qur'an 1:2-6 clearly... this way you're sounding a little more sophisticated :) clearly expresses the distinctive Islamic answer to the enduring questions of human existence. This is evident when the reference is observed, Quran 1: 2-6, meaning it is one of the first words of the Quran, which highlights the importance of this quote. Unique analysis! I didn't consider that, I like it. The term 'Islam' literally translates to 'submission' in English and this is addressed in the Quran many times such as "You alone do we turn for help" (Quran 1) I think we need more from this introduction - this was the year that they didn't specify one of the three aspects of the religion, they wanted you to bring it all together. I think this needs to be addressed in your introduction, exactly what makes up this dynamic living tradition? Person, practice, ethics. Currently, there's no indication of what you'll be talking about, when ideally, I'd know that PLUS a few main ideas you'll explore. I think the best idea when confronted with a question like this, is to identify the religion as a "dynamic living religious tradition" - this way you encompass that it is varied, expressed today, yet a tradition to be adhered to. If you're going to tackle an integrated essay, then that's even more important :)

Introduce the significance of a person in the religion before diving into biography. Throughout her life, Rabi'a Al-Addiwiyya preached her teachings of mahabbah (divine love) and uns (oneness of Allah) with Islamic adherents she met in Basra, where she was born, to the places she travelled. She was a celibate who lived an ascetic lifestyle, and she helped others to be "guided along the straight path" (Quran 1). She also asked and answered many of the enduring questions about human existence, which are mentioned in her poetry. In her poetry, she also used terms to express her love for Allah such as "Most Gracious, Most Merciful" (Quran 1) as well as the titles of her poems "My Companion", "My Beloved" and "Your Eternal Beauty" to name a few. Rabi'a preached uns and mahabbah throughout her life to "guide others along the straight path" (Quran 1) as well as making those adherents realise "in Allah alone we turn for help" (Quran 1). Wherever she went she would carry very few possessions, such as a small reed mat which doubled up for sleeping and praying and a few other basic items. Once she was seen carrying a bucket of water and when asked why she responded "I am going to extinguish the fires of hell." This truly emphasises how "guided along the straight path" she was, and how she could express the Islamic search for meaning just like the aforementioned quote does. It's a good integration of the stimulus here - you've embedded it well. What is lacking is an identification of the enduring questions of Islam - and how they are supported/answered by the quote and the significant person.

Hajj is a practice of Islam which also has similar intentions to the sig person. Hajj is a religious pilgrimage that every adherent is supposed to take in their life, subject to meeting financial and physical means. Before the Hajj, pilgrims attend Mecca where the Hajj begins, they must achieve a state of ihram. This involves changing into simple white garments and emphasises a state of purity, equality as well as the absence of fighting and the use of products such as deodorant or makeup. Once the pilgrims are in Mecca, they firstly have to circumambulate the Kabah seven times, in a fast walk reciting "we are responding to your call O God, we are responding to your call." Hajj is a pilgrimage which involves many rituals that aim to "guide adherents along the straight path." The stoning of the jamras during the Hajj also support this, and further the notion that "You alone do we turn to for help". As the jamras are stone statues representing the devil, this is saying that Muslims are not to turn to the devil, or accept the devil's temptations. Terms such as "Most Gracious, Most Merciful God" truly emphasise how much faith Islamic adherents place in Allah, consistent with the fact that Allah means submission. When pilgrims pray at the Mount of Mercy they pray similar to how Rabi'a did. They pray "In the name of the God, most gracious, most merciful" from when they arrive until after sunset (normally until midnight). This is consistent with the submission that Rabi'a gave Allah and how she taught Islam to do the same. Surely this has "guided adherents along the straight path" and answers the enduring questions of human existence clearly. Your knowledge on the religion is really good - I can't fault the evidence you're bringing forward. It's judicious. What is lacking in this one is the use of the stimulus essay question. You were quite strong on the stimulus in the first paragraph, but this one not so much. Remember to identify the source/reference when you use the stimulus to emphasise it. But also, Sacred Texts and Writing quotes besides the stimulus would also add something to your work!

Sexual ethics in Islam is only partly "In the name of God" as the Hadith (words of the Prophet Muhammed) and the qiyas (Islamic scholars) also have a large say in the ethical situation. Unique view! Nice! Some issues such as contraception are not addressed in the Quran directly because such issues were not heard of in the time the Quran was written. I could be wrong, but I seem to remember something about contraception appearing in the Qur'an, I feel like they used sheep skin as a condom-style contraception. I could definitely be wrong here, it could have come from a scholar later! Therefore adherents must look to the Hadith and the qiyas for ethical guidance on how to live their lives. While Allah can "guide adherents towards the straight path" it is only a guide, and he cannot simply expect adherents to turn to "You alone for help". Allah recognises this and this is okay with him because he is "Most Merciful". It is only in this way that an adherent can fulfil the obligations set by Allah and the Prophet Muhammad. Issues such as polygamy are addressed and supported. "Marry women of your choice: two or three, or four" (Qu'ran). Some issues such as premarital sex have not changed over time however and still remain strictly forbidden. When a woman is alone with a man the devil creates a third" (Hadith). This emphasises the need to resist the temptation of the devil, similar to the stoning of the jamras on Hajj. It is only in this way that adherents can "turn to Allah alone for help" (Quran 1) You've approached the most difficult section: ethics, really well. You've connected the sources of ethics well to the teachings and then applied it. Again - we need to identify what the enduring questions of the religion are, and then follow it up with exactly how they are addressed.

Rabi'a once said "God can give me twice of what a husband can give me" and this is consistent with the teachings of sufis, where they live a mystical life with a direct, unmediated experience with the divine and do not accept other distractions such as husbands. haha - *giggles because its so true** This is the same as the state of ihram all adherents are to be on throughout the duration of the Hajj; to only think about Allah and not lustful thoughts on distractions such as a husband or a wife. Pilgrims are called to live a simple, uncomplicated life while on the Hajj just like Rabi'a did. This is ultimately how an adherent is "guided along the straight path" by the "most gracious, most merciful God".

In conclusion, the aforementioned quotation Qur'an 1:2-6truly expresses the distinctive Islamic answer to the enduring questions of human existence. Rabi'a preached throughout her life to "turn to Allah alone for help" while Hajj aims to "guide adherents along the straight path." However, for some issue in sexual ethics an adherent can't simply "turn to You for help" and must turn to Muhammad or the qiyas for guidance on how to live their lives and fulfil their obligations set to them by Allah and the Prophet Muhammad.

I can't believe this is your first attempt at an integrated essay, you've done an excellent job. The way you've selected evidence is judicious and shows that you know a lot about the subject, and you have the luxury to pick and choose the evidence you feel like at the time. There are a few things to work on:

-Don't hold back from smashing the stimulus - repeat the reference as many times as you need, like you have in the first body paragraph.
-If the essay question specifies something obscure like "enduring questions" then you need to identify what those enduring questions are, and then go on to explain how they are addressed. I would say that enduring questions is something about the principal belief Al-Qadr - the mysterious balance between Allah's predestined route for people, but also their human capacity and autonomy to make decisions within that route. I think this applies to all three sections of the religion.
-Other quotes: We need just a few more quotes in there from other sources to reallllly ramp up the response. Even if you just get two quotes for Islam that deal with overarching ideas (submission, love, devotion, etc) then you are bumping your essay up enormously.
-Lastly, principal beliefs. These can be applied to every single aspect - person, ethics, practice, and do an excellent job of really boosting the sophistication of your essay, for very little effort. I'm talking about looking into Tawhid, Al-Qadr, Rusul, etc. These boost your essay!

Essentially, you've done a great job here. It's just about tweaking it that little tiny bit, and for timed conditions, this is reallllly good! Hopefully you can take some of this on board :)

Thankyou so much for this!!
Sorry I had a little vent in the Question thread when clearly you were working on it as well..

Would you possibly be able to give me a mark (or mark range/band etc) /20 for this? Thanks :)

Also, how would you go about the "enduring questions of human existence" because I couldn't find an easy way to incorporate this into my essay :)

Thanks again!
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: Lauradf36 on October 26, 2016, 09:27:52 am
Did you catch the essay I posted a few days ago? :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on October 26, 2016, 09:29:00 am
Thankyou so much for this!!
Sorry I had a little vent in the Question thread when clearly you were working on it as well..

Would you possibly be able to give me a mark (or mark range/band etc) /20 for this? Thanks :)

Also, how would you go about the "enduring questions of human existence" because I couldn't find an easy way to incorporate this into my essay :)

Thanks again!

Haha no stress! I'd put this as about a 13...with the direct response to the question and the "enduring questions" you'd be looking at 16. Then with the other little tips and tricks, up to the top range!

Enduring questions - in the introduction I would identify clearly what the enduring questions are. I take this to be Al-Qadr - the belief that Allah has a predetermined plan, but also the way that humans have a capacity to make decisions within this plan. So, to me, that is a question of the religion - exactly how much autonomy does one have? How much are humans trusted with the ability to make decisions ethically, etc. That would be my approach.

Significant person: I'd talk about how this guides the best way to use human's capacity for autonomy - and how they stuck to Allah's plan.
Ethics: The enduring question is most relevant here, where humans are given the autonomy to make ethical decisions that are in line with Allah's vision.
Practice: Probably the hardest to relate. With Hajj, the principal beliefs are confirmed at various places. But, the choice to go on Hajj is a commitment to using human's capacity for choice to be in line with Allah's vision.

Does this make sense? This is just my interpretation of the enduring questions! There are a few ways to take it on :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on October 26, 2016, 09:29:57 am
Did you catch the essay I posted a few days ago? :)

Sorry Laura! I completed overlooked it. I'll get to it before midday! :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on October 26, 2016, 10:52:28 am
Hey y'all, would you mind having a look at my religion & peace essay - semi timed? (I say semi because I timed myself while writing... but then edited it cos I was typing. But yeah.)

Also I finally worked out what a Spoiler is WOO

Woohoo! Good work on the spoiler :) Sorry for missing you! Here it is:
Spoiler
Discuss how the principal teachings of TWO religious traditions contribute to inner peace.

Peace can be described as a sense of wellbeing and freedom from conflict, fear, and injustice. Good one! In an internal sense, this relates to the individual’s personal wellbeing and desire to form stability in their own relationships and communities. The Christian idea of peace is based on the Greek word “Eirene”, meaning “harmony one another”. The Jewish religion focusses focuses* on the idea of “Shalom”, or a universal flourishing and wholeness. Excellent use of terminology! The principal teachings of Christianity contribute to inner peace through Salvation, special revelation, and the nature of God (trinity), while the teachings of Judaism contribute through repentance, the covenant, and the moral law prescribed by God. Overall, these religious traditions are integral to providing inner peace for the individual. Can't fault this - just wonderful!

The teaching of Salvation in Christianity firstly contributes to inner peace by creating peace between the individual and God. Salvation is believed to be the act of Jesus dying for adherents’ sins, destroying death and removing God’s anger so they may have eternal life. 1 John 1:9 explains this process as “if we confess our sins… he is faithful and just, and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”If you can memorise this quote, you're in for a good time! Evidently, the act of removing sins allows believers to create a personal and holy union with God. Romans 5:1 further indicates this as “Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ.” This demonstrates how the act of justification and propitiation provides inner peace with the Christian deity. Jesus’ ultimate resurrection and ascension three days after he died is seen to completely destroy the rift between individuals and God, allowing them to form a personal relationship with him. This resurrection also illustrates that while earthly suffering is temporary, peace with God is eternal. A sense of wellbeing is provided in response to this saving grace. Hence, the teaching of Salvation clearly contributes to a believer’s inner peace. Perfect paragraph. Students find it difficult to talk about resurrection and salvation and you just did it with such grace!

Principal teachings on general and special revelation are also central to demonstrating the role of inner peace in a believer’s life. Specific revelation through prayer and reading of sacred texts is perceived differently by variants, but is generally understood to sustain and nurture their personal relationships with God. Peace is often seen as the central focus of an individual’s energies, as Philippians 4:7 emphasises “the peace of God, which transcends all understanding…” to recognise its significance. Confessional prayers such as 1 John 1:9 are used by Catholic variants in a formal setting, whilst Protestants contain these prayers to the private and personal. Exactly what a marker is looking for! Variation in the denominations. Wonderful! The Catholic tradition further uses rosary beads and meditation to enhance an individual’s peace with God. They consider the idea of “practising the presence of God” significant, based on 1 Thessalonians 5:16 which instructs believers to “pray without ceasing”, and thus encourage an individual’s closeness to God. Protestant traditions utilise more informal prayers, with Pentecostal denominations emphasising the use of music and speaking in tongues to foster specific revelation, and Anglican using prayer books. All the variants nonetheless use these teachings to contribute to a sense of inner peace with God. Another amazing paragraph - showing the variations is so important.

Principal teachings on the nature of God also catalyse a call for believers to produce peace in their relationships and communities. The belief that individuals are made in the image of God is demonstrated in Genesis 1:27, which states that “in the image of God he created them.” The belief in God’s sovereignty as a monotheistic deity fosters a value of the ultimate equality, dignity, and worth of all humans. The action of bringing peace in other’s lives is hence valued in the New Testament. For example, Jesus states in the Beatitudes that “blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God” (Matthew 5:9). The Beatitudes is seriously underreferenced in essays I find, and you've done an excellent job with this! This reflects a sense of individual wellbeing from producing peace in their own lives. Adherents are also called to bring reconciliation in their relationships rather than revenge or violence due to their value of others. Furthermore, the omniscience and supremacy of God is seen to be reflected in his son, Jesus. Adherents believe they must emulate him as the “prince of peace”, as demonstrated in the Lord’s prayer call to “forgive us our sins, as we forgive those who sin against us.” Can you specify where the "prince of peace" quotation comes from - I know it is commonly stated, but perhaps you need to iterate that just to prove your point.This hence contributes to the individual’s sense of peace in reflecting the nature of God.

The teachings of repentance in Judaism additionally influence their sense of inner peace, through rituals and ceremonies aiming to create peace with God. The ceremony of Yom Kippur is significant as a reflection of the individual’s repentance and return to the covenant, and is celebrated on the 10th day of the month of Tishri as the “Day of Atonement”. On the day, individuals will “divorce” themselves from the human world by wearing white as a symbol of their purification before God. Inner reflection will also be undertaken by fasting, reading the Torah, and prayer, fostering personal peace. Passages from the prophetic vision of Isaiah are also recited, written during the Syro-Ephraimite war when the Jewish people were called to turn from their corruption. Isaiah’s call to repent and turn to the covenant is seen as he states “Zion shall be redeemed by justice, and those who repent, by righteousness.” (Isaiah 1:27) Isaiah prophesied visions of peace and future kingdoms for the Israelite people if they re-established their covenantal relationship with God, symbolised in the hopeful land of “Zion”. The ceremony thus encourages adherents to form an inner peace with God based on their repentance and the promises it provides.

Principal beliefs about the covenant further contribute to inner peace in the Jewish religion. The covenant is seen to define the relationship between God and his people, as God rescues them and they respond by obeying the law. When believers adhere to their obligations, they also receive blessings defined by the covenant. A central blessing is seen in Numbers 6:24-6, which states, “The Lord bless you and keep you, the Lord make his face to shine upon you and be gracious to you; the Lord lift up his countenance toward you and give you peace.” (Numbers 6:24-6) These blessings were first recited by Aaron and Moses in 1400BCE, and are now recited by parents to their children weekly, as well as to congregations on spiritually significant occasions. This reflects the role of the covenant in affirming an individual’s inner peace with God. Prayers are also used for blessings, and often begin by praising God to reflect the importance of this covenantal unity. For example, the Sheva Brachot or 7 blessings recited in a marriage ceremony state, “Praise are You, O Lord our God, King of the Universe.” This hence affirms an individual’s peace with God through the covenant. You're killing it! Amazing!

Teachings of Judaism lastly contribute to inner peace by emphasising obedience to the moral law prescribed by God. Adherents believe that performing the mitzvot, or law, is a form of tikkun olam. This key teaching focusses focuses*on the repairing of the world, and thus provides an individual with healing from brokenness. Peace is seen as a reward for obedience to the law, as the 613 commands were given to Moses from God, affirming their divinity. The prophetic vision of Isaiah also confirms the importance of obedience, as he states that “Those who walk uprightly enter into peace.” (Isaiah 57:2) This further fosters a believer’s inner peace through their relationship with God. Many of the mitzvot also encourage inner peace in their relation to social justice and equality. For example, Micah 6:8 states, “And what does the Lord require of you? To act justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with your God.” Adhering to these requirements hence creates greater individual wellbeing. A common Jewish greeting of “Ma Schlomcha” or “how is your peace” also encourages individuals to hold each other accountable for obedience. This reflects the importance of obeying the law in providing individuals with inner peace.

It is therefore evident that the principal teachings of Christianity contribute to inner peace through Salvation, special revelation, and the nature of God, while the teachings of Judaism contribute through repentance, the covenant, and the moral law prescribed by God. Ultimately, these teachings are imperative for providing an individual with a sense of wellbeing and a strong relationship with their deity that will sustain them throughout life.

This is amazing, I cannot find a single spot in the entire thing where I would deduct a mark. I can see you've put so much work into this and it shows! Your use of quotes is judicious and works wonderfully! I'm sorry I have no feedback, this is simply the best essay I've read on the forums for Religion and Peace! Are you feeling confident with it? Have you memorised those quotes? Go you!!!!
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: Lauradf36 on October 26, 2016, 01:13:15 pm
Quote
This is amazing, I cannot find a single spot in the entire thing where I would deduct a mark. I can see you've put so much work into this and it shows! Your use of quotes is judicious and works wonderfully! I'm sorry I have no feedback, this is simply the best essay I've read on the forums for Religion and Peace! Are you feeling confident with it? Have you memorised those quotes? Go you!!!!

Aw thanks so much, that's really encouraging to hear! I'm feeling pretty good, just hoping I remember everything on the day. And that they don't ask for one religion with just inner/world peace cos that would suck haha.
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: ssarahj on October 26, 2016, 01:49:46 pm
Aw thanks so much, that's really encouraging to hear! I'm feeling pretty good, just hoping I remember everything on the day. And that they don't ask for one religion with just inner/world peace cos that would suck haha.

Just to note: if they do ask for one religion with either inner or world peace, you should still talk about the peace teachings which should give you more than enough to say, judging by your essay above!
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on October 26, 2016, 02:11:07 pm
Aw thanks so much, that's really encouraging to hear! I'm feeling pretty good, just hoping I remember everything on the day. And that they don't ask for one religion with just inner/world peace cos that would suck haha.
Just to note: if they do ask for one religion with either inner or world peace, you should still talk about the peace teachings which should give you more than enough to say, judging by your essay above!

You'll both do great things!!! I can't wait to hear how you both go tomorrow :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: sudodds on October 26, 2016, 06:52:19 pm
hey this is super last minute hahaha so if you can't get round to it then thats okay, but I was wondering if you could possibly have a quick look at this christianity essay that I did and see if theres any last minute tips you could give me that I can take into the exam tomorrow :)

Thanks! (and again don't worry if you don't have the time, I'll be fine haha and you've helped me so much already! + either way it may be of use to next years cohort!)

"Christianity is an authentic example of a thriving religious tradition. It offers both individual adherents and the Christian community meaningful rituals which are rich in symbol and clearly link to the principal beliefs of the tradition. Within the tradition, inspirational individuals and ideas offer models for thinking and for living. Finally, the ethical positions offered on significant issues speak to the realities of life in the twenty-first century."

With reference to the statement above, and your own knowledge, assess Christianity as a dynamic religious tradition which has ongoing relevance in the lives of adherents.
essay in spoiler :)
Christianity is highly dynamic and living religious tradition, as it has ongoing relevance within the lives of practicing Christians through providing rituals and a model for living an ethical and spiritual life, therefore the statement is accurate. Christianity is the world’s largest religion, with over 2.4 billion adherents as of 2015. All adherents of Christianity, with slight variations between the denominations, are connected through the Church’s core ethical teachings, rituals and theological works of influential individuals - for example Baptism, Environmental Ethics, and St Paul of Tarsus - which provide a basis for their principal beliefs and the way in which they choose to live their life. Therefore, through the continued significance of the role of Baptism, Environmental Ethics and the contributions of St Paul of Tarsus within the lives of adherents, it is clear that Christianity is “an authentic example of a thriving religious tradition.”

The sacrament of Baptism plays a critical role within the lives of adherents and wider Christian society, as it includes the initiation of an individual into the community, providing them with a sense of belonging and a support network as they develop their beliefs. According to the statement, Christianity offers its adherents “meaningful rituals which are rich in symbol and clearly link to the principal beliefs of the tradition,” and Baptism is clear example of this. Though the specific practices vary depending upon the denomination of Christianity, Baptism is a uniting features amongst all Christian churches, and is described as the ritualistic initiation of an individual into the Christian faith. It is a declaration by the adherent (if they are an adult, if not it is a declaration by the legal guardians to raise them as a Christian) of their Christian faith, and their commitment to live a Christian life. Therefore, as it is a lifelong commitment, Baptism plays a significant role within the daily lives of the adherents, as it is their promise to live by the teachings of Jesus, as according to Galatians 3:27 “for all you who are baptized into Christ have clothed yourself with Christ.” Along with this, through Baptism the adherent is admitted into a community who is committed to help nurture the adherent’s faith, and provide support as they undergo their spiritual journey. This support plays a major role within the daily lives of the adherent, particularly those who where baptized young, as it is the community’s commitment to teaching the adherent the scripture and beliefs of their faith, and raise them to follow in the footsteps of Jesus. Therefore, as it is clear that the sacrament of Baptism plays a critical role within the daily lives of the adherents and wider Christian community, Christianity is a dynamic and living religion, therefore the statement is accurate.

The contributions of St Paul of Tarsus play a crucial role within the lives of adherents through many avenues, such as providing key teachings on love and salvation, being a role model for adherents and helping to spread Christianity and establish it as a dominant religious tradition. According to the statement, Christianity offers its adherents with “inspirational individuals and ideas [that] offer models for thinking and living,” and the contributions of St Paul of Tarsus are a clear example of this. Paul of Tarsus is considered to be one of the key role models of Christianity (aside from Jesus), due to his conversion and contributions to the faith in regards to spreading the Christian message further and making it more applicable, aiding in Christianity becoming a dominant world religion. A principal reason for Paul of Tarsus being such an influential figure within Christianity are his theological teachings on love and salvation, which provide adherents with an outline of the ethical demands they are committed to. Paul of Tarsus believed firmly that it was a Christians duty to follow in the footsteps of Jesus, and placed great importance on the role of love or “agape” (self-less love) within every day lives of Christians. According to Paul in Galatians 5:14, love is a critical aspect of Christian life as “the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command “love your neighbor as yourself”’ Therefore, Paul encouraged love to be the centre point of Christian ethical teachings, suggesting that any action done without “agape,” even charity work, was obsolete within the eyes of God. Paul of Tarsus also provided the Christian understanding that Salvation is only possible due to the death and resurrection of Jesus, and hence one can only achieve Salvation through faith in him. This is clear within Romans 5:20-21 where Paul describes Jesus as “bring[ing] eternal life.” These are both critical teachings that greatly impact upon the daily lives of Christians, as love and faith in Jesus should drive their actions. Therefore, it is clear that the role and contribution of St Paul of Tarsus has had a critical impact upon the daily lives of Christians, proving that Christianity is a dynamic and living religion, therefore the statement is accurate.

Christianity provides its adherents with an ethical base in regards to significant issues facing modern society, particularly in regards to how we treat, and take care of the Earth’s environment in an era of climate change and the deterioration of the natural world. According to the statement, Christianity offers its adherents with “the ethical position offered on significant issues [that] speak to the realities of life in the twenty-first century.” The term environmental ethics is used to describe the ecological conscience or morality that reflects a commitment and responsibility towards the environment, our common home. As the threat of Climate Change is a highly significant and relevant issue within the 21st Century, and has been discussed – both positively and negatively – by a range of public figures such as politicians, celebrities, activists and even religious leaders, such as Pope Francis, it is clear that environmental ethics has ongoing relevance within the lives of 21st Century Christians. The Christian Church has their own set of beliefs in regards to the maintenance of our environment, which is based upon the belief that the Earth is Gods creations, and that human beings were put on this earth in order to be its stewards. This is evident within Genesis, which focuses upon God’s creation of all things, particularly Genesis 2:15, where “the Lord God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.” This suggests that God put humans upon this earth in order to take care and cultivate the land, for humans to use as we need, but not exploit it. This belief drives Christian environmental ethics, and is further emphasized by Pope Francis’s second encyclical paper Laudato si’: On Care For Our Common Home, which focuses upon the urgent need for environmental care, and heavily critiques the consumerism and irresponsible developments of the modern world. According to Pope Francis, “"Never have we so hurt and mistreated our common home as we have in the last two hundred years," calling upon Christians to push for better treatment of our natural world. Pope Francis connects environmental ethics to other critical ethical teachings within Christianity, such as those to do with poverty, therefore further emphasizing the critical importance of environmental ethics within the daily lives of adherents. Therefore, it is evident through the ongoing relevance and significance of environmental ethics within the lives of Christians, it is clear that Christianity is a dynamic and living religious tradition that provides its adherents with guidelines upon how to act in modern situations.

Through the continued significance of the role of Baptism, the contributions of St Paul of Tarsus, and environmental ethics, it is clear that Christianity provides the adherents with core ethical teachings, rituals and theological works that guide their day to day actions, and drive their morality and beliefs. Therefore, it is clear that Christianity is a highly dynamic and living religious tradition, as it has a definite ongoing relevance within the lives of practicing adherents, therefore the statement is accurate.

Mod Edit: Just put your essay in a spoiler :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on October 27, 2016, 12:10:47 am
hey this is super last minute hahaha so if you can't get round to it then thats okay, but I was wondering if you could possibly have a quick look at this christianity essay that I did and see if theres any last minute tips you could give me that I can take into the exam tomorrow :)

Thanks! (and again don't worry if you don't have the time, I'll be fine haha and you've helped me so much already! + either way it may be of use to next years cohort!)

Thanks for posting suddods! Some short and sweet feedback for you to skim in the morning, sorry I didn't get to it sooner otherwise I'd have spent longer!! ;D

"Christianity is an authentic example of a thriving religious tradition. It offers both individual adherents and the Christian community meaningful rituals which are rich in symbol and clearly link to the principal beliefs of the tradition. Within the tradition, inspirational individuals and ideas offer models for thinking and for living. Finally, the ethical positions offered on significant issues speak to the realities of life in the twenty-first century."

With reference to the statement above, and your own knowledge, assess Christianity as a dynamic religious tradition which has ongoing relevance in the lives of adherents.
essay in spoiler :)
Christianity is highly dynamic and living religious tradition, as it has ongoing relevance within the lives of practicing Christians through providing rituals and a model for living an ethical and spiritual life, therefore the statement is accurate. Christianity is the world’s largest religion, with over 2.4 billion adherents as of 2015. All adherents of Christianity, with slight variations between the denominations, are connected through the Church’s core ethical teachings, rituals and theological works of influential individuals - for example Baptism, Environmental Ethics, and St Paul of Tarsus - which provide a basis for their principal beliefs and the way in which they choose to live their life. Therefore, through the continued significance of the role of Baptism, Environmental Ethics and the contributions of St Paul of Tarsus within the lives of adherents, it is clear that Christianity is “an authentic example of a thriving religious tradition.” Fantastic introduction; good integration of beliefs and your core 3 elements of the study. I'd perhaps look at integrating the stimulus in your introduction, rather than just saying "it's accurate," I think it would be smoother. Just steal phrases and use them in quotation marks just like you did at the end, looks great to markers! You MIGHT also want to introduce the beliefs of Christianity you will be discussing, but that isn't an urgent thing.

The sacrament of Baptism plays a critical role within the lives of adherents and wider Christian society, as it includes the initiation of an individual into the community, providing them with a sense of belonging and a support network as they develop their beliefs. According to the statement, Christianity offers its adherents “meaningful rituals which are rich in symbol and clearly link to the principal beliefs of the tradition,” and Baptism is clear example of this. Though the specific practices vary depending upon the denomination of Christianity, Baptism is a uniting features amongst all Christian churches, and is described as the ritualistic initiation of an individual into the Christian faith. It is a declaration by the adherent (if they are an adult, if not it is a declaration by the legal guardians to raise them as a Christian) of their Christian faith, and their commitment to live a Christian life. Therefore, as it is a lifelong commitment, Baptism plays a significant role within the daily lives of the adherents, as it is their promise to live by the teachings of Jesus, as according to Galatians 3:27 “for all you who are baptized into Christ have clothed yourself with Christ.” Along with this, through Baptism the adherent is admitted into a community who is committed to help nurture the adherent’s faith, and provide support as they undergo their spiritual journey. This support plays a major role within the daily lives of the adherent, particularly those who where baptized young, as it is the community’s commitment to teaching the adherent the scripture and beliefs of their faith, and raise them to follow in the footsteps of Jesus. Therefore, as it is clear that the sacrament of Baptism plays a critical role within the daily lives of the adherents and wider Christian community, Christianity is a dynamic and living religion, therefore the statement is accurate. Great paragraph! Remember a few things; First, not all Christian denominations have Baptism. Salvation Army for example, does not. Just something to consider. Notice the bits in red are repetitious; say it once ;) I think you'd hit the importance more effectively if you targeted some specific beliefs that Baptism allows connection to. EG - "The method of immersion used in Orthodox Baptisms has greater symbolic meaning; it allows the adherent to empathise with the death and resurrection of Christ, subsequently reaffirming their beliefs." Or something. Really hamemr home the importance of this by linking to some key beliefs from Prelim; Nature of God and The Trinity is an easy one!

The contributions of St Paul of Tarsus play a crucial role within the lives of adherents through many avenues, such as providing key teachings on love and salvation, being a role model for adherents and helping to spread Christianity and establish it as a dominant religious tradition. According to the statement, Christianity offers its adherents with “inspirational individuals and ideas [that] offer models for thinking and living,” and the contributions of St Paul of Tarsus are a clear example of this. Paul of Tarsus is considered to be one of the key role models of Christianity (aside from Jesus), due to his conversion and contributions to the faith in regards to spreading the Christian message further and making it more applicable, aiding in Christianity becoming a dominant world religion. A principal reason for Paul of Tarsus being such an influential figure within Christianity are his theological teachings on love and salvation, which provide adherents with an outline of the ethical demands they are committed to. Paul of Tarsus believed firmly that it was a Christians duty to follow in the footsteps of Jesus, and placed great importance on the role of love or “agape” (self-less love) within every day lives of Christians. According to Paul in Galatians 5:14, love is a critical aspect of Christian life as “the entire law is fulfilled in keeping this one command “love your neighbor as yourself”’ Therefore, Paul encouraged love to be the centre point of Christian ethical teachings, suggesting that any action done without “agape,” even charity work, was obsolete within the eyes of God. Paul of Tarsus also provided the Christian understanding that Salvation is only possible due to the death and resurrection of Jesus, and hence one can only achieve Salvation through faith in him. This is clear within Romans 5:20-21 where Paul describes Jesus as “bring[ing] eternal life.” These are both critical teachings that greatly impact upon the daily lives of Christians, as love and faith in Jesus should drive their actions. Therefore, it is clear that the role and contribution of St Paul of Tarsus has had a critical impact upon the daily lives of Christians, proving that Christianity is a dynamic and living religion, therefore the statement is accurate. Another excellent paragraph, you are answering the question excellently. Great inclusion of scripture. Again, try to really hammer home how the work of Paul is active in the lives of adherents, it feels just a tad bit shy of perfect right now. The beliefs are a fantastic way to achieve this. You can easily link to the Divinity and Humanity of Christ here; connection to his ministry is important to the adherent!

Christianity provides its adherents with an ethical base in regards to significant issues facing modern society, particularly in regards to how we treat, and take care of the Earth’s environment in an era of climate change and the deterioration of the natural world. According to the statement, Christianity offers its adherents with “the ethical position offered on significant issues [that] speak to the realities of life in the twenty-first century.” The term environmental ethics is used to describe the ecological conscience or morality that reflects a commitment and responsibility towards the environment, our common home. As the threat of Climate Change is a highly significant and relevant issue within the 21st Century, and has been discussed – both positively and negatively – by a range of public figures such as politicians, celebrities, activists and even religious leaders, such as Pope Francis, it is clear that environmental ethics has ongoing relevance within the lives of 21st Century Christians. The Christian Church has their own set of beliefs in regards to the maintenance of our environment, which is based upon the belief that the Earth is Gods creations, and that human beings were put on this earth in order to be its stewards. This is evident within Genesis, which focuses upon God’s creation of all things, particularly Genesis 2:15, where “the Lord God took the man, and put him into the garden of Eden to dress it and to keep it.” This suggests that God put humans upon this earth in order to take care and cultivate the land, for humans to use as we need, but not exploit it. This belief drives Christian environmental ethics, and is further emphasized by Pope Francis’s second encyclical paper Laudato si’: On Care For Our Common Home, which focuses upon the urgent need for environmental care, and heavily critiques the consumerism and irresponsible developments of the modern world. According to Pope Francis, “"Never have we so hurt and mistreated our common home as we have in the last two hundred years," calling upon Christians to push for better treatment of our natural world. Pope Francis connects environmental ethics to other critical ethical teachings within Christianity, such as those to do with poverty, therefore further emphasizing the critical importance of environmental ethics within the daily lives of adherents. Therefore, it is evident through the ongoing relevance and significance of environmental ethics within the lives of Christians, it is clear that Christianity is a dynamic and living religious tradition that provides its adherents with guidelines upon how to act in modern situations. Be sure that your first sentence in each paragraph connects to the question; REALLY make that connection between the ethical teachings and WHY they make Christianity a dynamic, living religious tradition obvious from the start. Love your integration of an encyclical; very very impressive.

Through the continued significance of the role of Baptism, the contributions of St Paul of Tarsus, and environmental ethics, it is clear that Christianity provides the adherents with core ethical teachings, rituals and theological works that guide their day to day actions, and drive their morality and beliefs. Therefore, it is clear that Christianity is a highly dynamic and living religious tradition, as it has a definite ongoing relevance within the lives of practicing adherents, therefore the statement is accurate. A tad shy on the conclusion; but it works! You could add more if you want but this does the job nicely! ;D

Overall suddods, a fantastic response, you should be really confident for tomorrow! Some last minute tips/nitpicks:

- Be sure to really make the link between the importance to adherents and the dynamic living nature of the tradition; at times that connection was only implied (mostly just in the intros, your conclusions bring it home strong every time)
- You can use the beliefs you learned in Prelim to hammer home the importance to the adherent, if you so choose. By connecting them to their beliefs, the person/practice/ethical teaching proves significant. Connecting to the Nature of God/Trinity is usually the easiest :)
- In general, watch for excess word count. Be careful not to say things twice and be careful not to include info that doesn't really help your case. For example, specifying how Baptism differs based on the age of the adherent is not that useful to you!

To be honest; these are nitpicks just to really polish up what is already a fabulous response. You answered the question really well, integrated scriptural evidence effectively, and had an excellent structure/style. Bloody brilliant! Be very confident for your exam because if this is any indicator you are extremely well prepared and you'll do wonderfully! :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: SSSS on February 10, 2017, 08:08:51 pm
Hey Guys!! I feel pretty weak in essays, so any advice would be great! Thanks Guys!

Question: Examine the contribution of Hassidism to the development and expression of Judaism

Hasidim is an orthodox religious movement within Judaism, that was developed in the eighteenth century in Eastern Europe. The contributions proffered by this school of thought includes the emphasis onto the tzaddik system, the importance of joy and sincerity within worship, and the consistent performance of mikvah. These contributions have ultimately provided an incentive towards the development of Judaism, as the Baal Shem Tov, leader of the Hasidim, considered the circumstances the Jews were experiencing including the pogroms that lead to the development and expression of Judaism to be influenced by the rise of the Hasidim. The shift present towards focusing onto the spiritual dimension has allowed adherents to experience positive impacts including their faith being renewed and revolutionised, however as the circumstances for the Jews improved over time, these contributions has had less significance.

The tzaddik system plays a fundamental role within Hasidim, where the development and expression of Judaism has significantly increased as a result. Intrinsically, the classification of leaders was known as tzaddik, the righteous one, followed by its adherents known as Hasid’s. Baal Shem Tov recognised the impact of the massacres occurring in the 17th and 18th century that led adherents to lack faith as being illiterate hence unable to read the Talmud, the Jews were disdained by other followers that were educated. Thus, the BeshT reversed the allocation of the names of tzaddik and Hasid that raised the ordinary Jews status. The development and expression of Judaism was improved to a large extent, as many Jews became more assertive towards their faith and worship that ensured adherents were practising the religious tradition. As “God loves all Jews without distinction; the greatest Torah genius and scholar and the most simple Jew are loved equally by G-d” expressed within the 36 Aphorisms of BeshT number 7, the overall contribution Hasidim offered enabled adherents to confide and maintain their faith through their worship. The tzaddik system along with the reversal of the names was overall, a major contribution towards the development and expression of Judaism.

Furthermore, Hasidim also contributed towards the development and expression of Judaism by expressing that one should attain joy from worship and be sincere. The Baal Shem Tov exemplified that the worship one performs should be predominately focused onto the quality of their actions, rather than the quantity, which ultimately highlights the expression of Judaism focusing onto spirituality rather than delving into traditional Talmud studies. The anecdote of Yom Kipper, a poor Jewish boy who was an illiterate shepherd, had been deeply moved by a Jewish service yet unable to read the prayers, he began to whistle as an offer to God as a gift. The congregation was horrified at the discretion of their service as they boy was yelled at and was going to be thrown out.  The Baal Shem Tov intervened, expressing that their prayers were  “blocked as they tried to reach the heavenly court” yet as the boy’s “whistling was so pure…that it broke through the blockage and brought all of our prayers straight up to God”. This anecdote demonstrates that joy and sincerity are fundamental elements to enable adherents, especially with low socio-economic backgrounds, to sustain their spirituality. “God desires the heart” (Talmud Sanhearih 1066) rather than worshipping through Talmud studies, that illustrates the importance of these humane values, sincerity and joy,  that Hasidim introduces within Judaism. Hence, the contribution of reinforcing the vitality of these values of joy and sincerity enables the development and expression of Judaism.

In addition, Hasidim places an enormous emphasis onto practising Mitzvah on a daily basis which has influenced the development and expression of Judaism. As a ritual pool is used where individuals are washed “thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin” (Psalm 51:2), Hasidim places an enormous focus onto this practise by recommending adherents to complete mitzvah on a daily routine. As individuals felt a lack of faith because of their illiteracy in the 18th century, thus unable to read the Talmud, Mitzvah ultimately enabled individuals to purify themselves thus attain higher levels of spiritual development. As Hasidim’s prime focus on mitzvah enables spiritual growth, the less frequent prayers ensures that rather than completing a set of prayers, adherents are able to focus onto the two elements, devekus and hislahavus, that enable individuals to attain an improved spirituality. Overall, the consistency required of mitzvah and the non frequent prayers elaborate onto the importance of attaining a higher spiritual level with God by focusing onto the quality of the worship.

Ultimately, Hasidim has played a significant role towards the development and expression of Judaism. The contributions it has provided has led towards the development and expression of Judaism, that rather than focusing onto traditional study of the Talmud, it emphasises onto individuals are able to attain higher spiritual level through the joy and sincerity towards their worship. Hence, the contributions such as the emphasis onto the tzaddik system along with the reversal of names, importance of joy and sincerity, and increased performance of mitzvah, has ultimately led to Judaism to develop.
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on February 11, 2017, 06:33:48 am
Hey Guys!! I feel pretty weak in essays, so any advice would be great! Thanks Guys!


Hey SSSS! I'd love to give you a hand!

You've had to create writing pieces marked, and this'll be the third essay, so at a requirement for 15 posts per piece, you just need three more posts to get this one marked. I think I've done my calculations correct, if not let me know! But 3 posts isn't too hard at all.

Talk soon :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: SSSS on February 11, 2017, 09:57:47 pm
Sorry about that!
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on February 13, 2017, 01:18:47 am
Hey Guys!! I feel pretty weak in essays, so any advice would be great! Thanks Guys!


Hey SSSS! Welcome back :)

I've put my thoughts in the bold font below for you.
Spoiler
Question: Examine the contribution of Hassidism to the development and expression of Judaism

Hasidim is an orthodox religious movement within Judaism, that was developed in the eighteenth century in Eastern Europe. Because the question is asking you to examine rather than evaluate, you don't need to make a huge judgement here. It's my personal opinion that your first sentence could benefit from an opinion from you, even slightly, just so that you start developing an argument early on and you're not doing describing, but rather examining. Currently, your first sentence describes, and so does your second. Something like "...is a significant orthodox religious..." makes that difference to pull it out of pure description. This isn't necessary to fulfill the question at this stage, it's just about setting the tone for your essay. The contributions proffered by this school of thought includes the emphasis onto the tzaddik system, the importance of joy and sincerity within worship, and the consistent performance of mikvah. These contributions have ultimately provided an incentive towards the development of Judaism, as the Baal Shem Tov, leader of the Hasidim, considered the circumstances the Jews were experiencing including the pogroms that lead to the development and expression of Judaism to be influenced by the rise of the Hasidim. Wonderful sentence!The shift present? towards focusing onto the spiritual dimension has allowed adherents to experience positive impacts including their faith being renewed and revolutionised, however as the circumstances for the Jews improved over time from historical persecution to the present day,, these contributions has had less significance.

The tzaddik system plays a fundamental role within Hasidim, where the development and expression of Judaism has significantly increased as a result. Intrinsically, the classification of leaders was known as tzaddik, the righteous one, followed by its adherents known as Hasid’s. Baal Shem Tov recognised the impact of the massacres occurring in the 17th and 18th century that led adherents to lack faith as being illiterate hence unable to read the Talmud, the Jews were disdained by other followers that were educated. Thus, the BeshT reversed the allocation of the names of tzaddik and Hasid that raised the ordinary Jews status. The development and expression of Judaism was improved to a large extent, as many Jews became more assertive towards their faith and worship that ensured adherents were practising the religious tradition. This sentence is exactly what markers are looking for! As “God loves all Jews without distinction; the greatest Torah genius and scholar and the most simple Jew are loved equally by G-d” expressed within the 36 Aphorisms of BeshT number 7, the overall contribution Hasidim offered enabled adherents to confide and maintain their faith through their worship. The tzaddik system along with the reversal of the names was overall, a major contribution towards the development and expression of Judaism. No qualms here at all!

Furthermore, Hasidim also contributed towards the development and expression of Judaism by expressing that one should attain joy from worship and be sincere. The Baal Shem Tov exemplified that the worship one performs should be predominately focused onto the quality of their actions, rather than the quantity, which ultimately highlights the expression of Judaism focusing onto spirituality rather than delving into traditional Talmud studies. The anecdote of Yom Kipper, a poor Jewish boy who was an illiterate shepherd, had been deeply moved by a Jewish service yet unable to read the prayers, he began to whistle as an offer to God as a gift. The congregation was horrified at the discretion of their service as they boy was yelled at and was going to be thrown out.  The Baal Shem Tov intervened, expressing that their prayers were  “blocked as they tried to reach the heavenly court” yet as the boy’s “whistling was so pure…that it broke through the blockage and brought all of our prayers straight up to God”. This anecdote demonstrates that joy and sincerity are fundamental elements to enable adherents, especially with low socio-economic backgrounds, to sustain their spirituality. “God desires the heart” (Talmud Sanhearih 1066) rather than worshipping through Talmud studies, that illustrates the importance of these humane values, sincerity and joy,  that Hasidim introduces within Judaism. Hence, the contribution of reinforcing the vitality of these values of joy and sincerity enables the development and expression of Judaism. This last sentence here brings it all together, but unlike your first body paragraph, you aren't linking the details to the judgement and the question. So what we're seeing is some great description, I have no doubt that you understand what you're writing here (or if you don't know yourself, you're doing a very good job at bluffing ;) ), because what you're writing is coherent. It's just about your essay structure now, I wouldn't go any more than two sentences before you need to drop a line that links it back to the question, otherwise we fall into description and move away from examine. Because we're examining, we're testing, scrutinising, and investigating in order to make that evaluative statement that relates to the question: what has been the contribution to the development and expression of Judaism?

In addition, Hasidim places an enormous emphasis onto practising Mitzvah on a daily basis which has influenced the development and expression of Judaism. As a ritual pool is used where individuals are washed “thoroughly from my iniquity and cleanse me from my sin” (Psalm 51:2), Great embedding quote. Hasidim places an enormous focus onto this practise by recommending adherents to complete mitzvah on a daily routine. As individuals felt a lack of faith because of their illiteracy in the 18th century, thus unable to read the Talmud, Mitzvah ultimately enabled individuals to purify themselves thus attain higher levels of spiritual development. As Hasidim’s prime focus on mitzvah enables spiritual growth, the less frequent prayers ensures that rather than completing a set of prayers, adherents are able to focus onto the two elements, devekus and hislahavus, that enable individuals to attain an improved spirituality. Overall, the consistency required of mitzvah and the non frequent prayers elaborate onto the importance of attaining a higher spiritual level with God by focusing onto the quality of the worship. A similar issue persists in this paragraph. Here, we've set up the entire paragraph for the moment where you'll say "Thus..." or "Therefore...Judaism has been developed..." So when we talk about the Mitzvah being a solution for the problems caused by illiteracy, we should be making evaluative statements about the value for this in gaining, and strengthening, adherents in the 18th century...then link it to how this has shaped present day Judaism to prove the significance of the idea.

Ultimately, Hasidim has played a significant role towards the development and expression of Judaism. The contributions it has provided has led towards the development and expression of Judaism, << This bit here says nothing different to the sentence prior. that rather than focusing onto traditional study of the Talmud, it emphasises onto individuals are able to attain higher spiritual level through the joy and sincerity towards their worship. Thus, this has made the religion more accessible, leading to its development, but it has also altered the expression of the faith. Hence, the contributions such as the emphasis onto the tzaddik system along with the reversal of names, importance of joy and sincerity, and increased performance of mitzvah, has ultimately led to Judaism to develop.

The bulk of the comments are throughout the essay, the main thing is to work on structurally examining rather than describing. The second thing I'll mention is that it might be worth mapping out what is a contribution to development, and what is a contribution to expression. They are often not the same and this could richen your essay by teasing them out for what they're individually worth. So, if something makes the religion more accessible, perhaps we could say it develops the religion by opening it up to new adherents, or adherents who felt disillusioned. But if something shifts the way that worship is actioned or perceived, then that is a contribution to the expression. Often, the contributions to the expression will eventually lead to being a contribution to the development. It's not necessary that you differentiate these in order to fulfill the marking criteria, it's more for your sake to give you more clarity, and thus more meat for your essay.

You do a wonderful job with expression in your writing, you're often clear and concise. Your use of embedded quotes is always seamless and very professional, you'll be rewarded for that!

Let me know if something isn't quite clear and I'm always happy to help :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: SSSS on February 13, 2017, 10:09:28 pm
Thank you so much!! Everything you said was clear, and I know what to do with this essay and the next I'll be practising. I just wanted to ask if 3 body paragraphs is enough or four is required?? And just thank you so much. I can't believe 15 posts is equal to amazing feedback that I would never receive from school!!
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on February 14, 2017, 02:10:21 am
Thank you so much!! Everything you said was clear, and I know what to do with this essay and the next I'll be practising. I just wanted to ask if 3 body paragraphs is enough or four is required?? And just thank you so much. I can't believe 15 posts is equal to amazing feedback that I would never receive from school!!


Woohoo! I'm glad you're happy :)
Three body paragraphs may be all it needs. If you have more to say that extends on your main points, then by all means move into four paragraphs. Right now, there's no need for you to split your current three into four. You'd only do it if you had another strong argument.
I find that when you look at ethics, there's much more of an argument/counterargument situation. I think that this encourages more of a debate-style structure which would usually lead to more paragraphs, even if it doesn't lead to more words, just shorter paragraphs.

Ultimately, there's no required amount of paragraphs and you've done a great job with three, I'm just trying to say that different structures of essays may lend themselves to more paragraphs, but this definitely suits the essay's purpose :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: CaitlinSavins on February 25, 2017, 12:44:17 pm
Could someone offer some feedback on my SOR1 essay before I submit it to my teacher for marking please?
 
In response to the 2012 Studies of Religion 1 question: "The significant people and schools of thought in Buddhism that have the most impact are those that challenge adherents to follow Buddhist teachings more closely." How accurate is this statement in relation to ONE significant person or school of thought, other than the Buddha?

Spoiler
The statement that the most impactful and significant people in Buddhism are those that invite adherents to apply the teachings more liberally, such as the XIVth Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso, is extremely accurate. By undertaking actions such as establishing 200 monasteries in India after fleeing Tibet, endorsing policies of non-violence despite Chinese aggression and advocating for greater protection of human and environmental rights, the Dalai Lama is able to promote dharmic teachings, including ahimsa, the Five Precepts and the Eightfold Path. By acting as in the true nature of a spiritual leader, Buddhists will have a greater inclination to increase the teachings’ application in their lives.

After fleeing Chinese annexation of his native Tibet and seeking refuge in neighbouring India, the XIVth Dalai Lama chose to establish over 200 Buddhist monasteries, which demonstrates a significant degree of adherence to prajna and karuna. This action was important as it helped preserve Buddhist culture from afar, and provided to other Tibetan refugees a familiar and comforting spiritual centre to continue to meditate. This demonstrates a strong adherence to the teaching of the Eightfold Path, specifically prajna, as it shows that the Dalai Lama has attained enough wisdom to understand the necessity of preserving Tibetan Buddhist religion and providing solace to Tibetan Buddhists. Further, the action of establishing such a volume of monasteries displays the Dalai Lama’s observance of the teaching of karuna as he undertook this action, despite it not being required of him, to benefit his fellow monks in India. This demonstrates compassion for his fellow human beings because it shows his understanding of the spiritual needs of people in exile and sets an example for how to provide aid, especially spiritual, to those abroad. Thus, the Dalai Lama’s actions provide a strong example to his Buddhist followers how to apply the fundamental teachings to their daily lives by promoting the use of wisdom and compassion in life.

Despite the aggression shown by the invading Chinese, the Dalai Lama endorsed and practiced a policy of non-violence. Within his Five Point Peace Plan, he proclaimed that, “…lasting peace can only be achieved if we think in terms of broader interest rather than parochial needs.” This is significant, because it demonstrates the Dalai Lama’s value of peace as it prevents the occurrence of war breaking out between the much more powerful China and Tibet, and allows him to focus on solidifying the peace between the two nations with his Five Point Peace Plan. Though it can be argued that this contribution to Buddhism cannot be considered significant as ultimately China dismissed this plan and continued to act as aggressors, this demonstrates to his follows that the Dalai Lama values diplomacy and peace over war and will actively seek the same in his own spiritual existence, evidenced by his urging for “…the Chinese leadership to exercise wisdom.” By applying the teaching of ahimsa to both political and spiritual pursuits, the Dalai Lama challenges his fellow Buddhists to apply this teaching and their devotion to the dharma more liberally, and to actively seek non-violent solutions when faced with aggressors. Thus, by establishing his Ahimsa Policy, the Dalai Lama communicates to the sangha that this teaching is important and has a widespread application.

The XIVth Dalai Lama’s outspoken advocacy for environmental protection communicates to his fellow Buddhists that applying the principles of the First Precept and prajna can benefit the environment. The Dalai Lama encourages a less superficial application of the First Precept: “Our practice of nonviolence applies not just to human beings but to all sentient beings.” While this wisdom is important to Buddhists and non-Buddhists alike, as it shows clear concern for the future of the planet in regards to every living being, this advocacy is of great significance to Buddhism as a whole. The First Precept encourages the avoidance of harming living beings, and by encouraging mindfulness in regards to the environment, the Dalai Lama is able to guide the efforts of Buddhists to show concern for the living beings affected by its degradation. Further, he applies a less superficial application of sila by doing so, and consequently invites Buddhists to emulate this. By asserting that the management of the environment requires some application of moral virtues including right action and right livelihood, he demonstrates that the dharma is thoroughly applied to his politics and spiritualism, providing to Buddhists a figure to emulate spiritually.

The statement that “the significant people […] in Buddhism that have the most impact are those that challenge adherents to follow Buddhist teachings more closely” can be verified by reflecting upon the XIVth Dalai Lama and his actions regarding the construction of 200 Buddhist temples while in exile, policy of non-violence towards the Chinese and advocacy for environmental protection. These actions demonstrate that the dharmic teachings of the first of the Five Precepts, sila and prajna within the Eightfold Path and ahimsa can have a profounder application within the lives of Buddhists, and embolden them to seek to emulate him. Ergo, the aforementioned statement that those in Buddhism who encourage Buddhists to follow dharmic teachings more closely are the individuals who hold the most spiritual and political significance.

Thank you!!
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on February 26, 2017, 03:29:02 pm
Could someone offer some feedback on my SOR1 essay before I submit it to my teacher for marking please?
 
In response to the 2012 Studies of Religion 1 question: "The significant people and schools of thought in Buddhism that have the most impact are those that challenge adherents to follow Buddhist teachings more closely." How accurate is this statement in relation to ONE significant person or school of thought, other than the Buddha? [/i

Hey Caitlin! I'd be happy to help - Though disclaimer, I didn't study Buddhism, so take my feedback with a grain of salt! Can definitely comment on structure and analysis, but not knowing the content, can't be sure there! Our SOR moderator Sarah may be able to lend a hand with any Buddhism-specific queries, in addition to this feedback ;D

Spoiler
The statement that the most impactful and significant people in Buddhism are those that invite adherents to apply the teachings more liberally, such as the XIVth Dalai Lama Tenzin Gyatso, is extremely accurate. Fantastic start - Immediately address the question. It's simple but it works. By undertaking actions such as establishing 200 monasteries in India after fleeing Tibet, endorsing policies of non-violence despite Chinese aggression and advocating for greater protection of human and environmental rights, the Dalai Lama is able to promote dharmic teachings, including ahimsa, the Five Precepts and the Eightfold Path. Excellent run down of the essay structure. By acting as in the true nature of a spiritual leader, Buddhists will have a greater inclination to increase the teachings’ application in their lives. Great introduction! To enhance it further, you could integrate the idea of 'dynamic living religion,' that you learned in Year 11, which you are leaning towards anyway. The most impactful Buddhists are those that promote a dynamic and living religious tradition by ensuring that teachings are applicable in a contemporary context, or something? It's a great way to add a layer of sophistication.

After fleeing Chinese annexation of his native Tibet and seeking refuge in neighbouring India, the XIVth Dalai Lama chose to establish over 200 Buddhist monasteries, which demonstrates a significant degree of adherence to prajna and karuna. Excellent introduction, but it would be better if it referenced the adherent somewhere - The focus of this response is impact on adherents and so that phrasing/idea should appear often. This action was important as it helped preserve Buddhist culture from afar, and provided to other Tibetan refugees a familiar and comforting spiritual centre to continue to meditate. This demonstrates a strong adherence to the teaching of the Eightfold Path, specifically prajna, as it shows that the Dalai Lama has attained enough wisdom to understand the necessity of preserving Tibetan Buddhist religion and providing solace to Tibetan Buddhists. Again, no knowledge, but it definitely seems you are integrating the teachings and beliefs extremely well. Further, the action of establishing such a volume of monasteries displays the Dalai Lama’s observance of the teaching of karuna as he undertook this action, despite it not being required of him, to benefit his fellow monks in India. This demonstrates compassion for his fellow human beings because it shows his understanding of the spiritual needs of people in exile and sets an example for how to provide aid, especially spiritual, to those abroad. Be careful not to just list how the Dalai Lama represents/practices these teachings, how does this help the adherent follow those teachings more closely? If it acts as a relatable model of behaviour, then say this throughout not just at the end! Thus, the Dalai Lama’s actions provide a strong example to his Buddhist followers how to apply the fundamental teachings to their daily lives by promoting the use of wisdom and compassion in life. This is a strong paragraph, but it did slip away a bit at the end - I feel the paragraph is more about the example set by the Dalai Lama in general rather than the monasteries specifically. Ensure your topic sentence always matches your concluding sentence!

Despite the aggression shown by the invading Chinese, the Dalai Lama endorsed and practiced a policy of non-violence. Again, what about this helps the adherent follow the teaching more closely? Within his Five Point Peace Plan, he proclaimed that, “…lasting peace can only be achieved if we think in terms of broader interest rather than parochial needs.” Nice use of a quote to further your point. This is significant, because it demonstrates the Dalai Lama’s value of peace as it prevents the occurrence of war breaking out between the much more powerful China and Tibet, and allows him to focus on solidifying the peace between the two nations with his Five Point Peace Plan. Though it can be argued that this contribution to Buddhism cannot be considered significant as ultimately China dismissed this plan and continued to act as aggressors, this demonstrates to his follows that the Dalai Lama values diplomacy and peace over war and will actively seek the same in his own spiritual existence, evidenced by his urging for “…the Chinese leadership to exercise wisdom.” Good, but you need to be linking to the modern adherent to, and exploring adherence more generally - Right now you are responding saying how the Dalai Lama reflects Buddhist teachings, NOT how his work allows/encourages others to adhere to the teachings more readily. By applying the teaching of ahimsa to both political and spiritual pursuits, the Dalai Lama challenges his fellow Buddhists to apply this teaching and their devotion to the dharma more liberally, and to actively seek non-violent solutions when faced with aggressors. Better! That's what I needed earlier in this paragraph - More sentences need to be like this! Thus, by establishing his Ahimsa Policy, the Dalai Lama communicates to the sangha that this teaching is important and has a widespread application. Another good paragraph that needs more of a focus on the adherent, and not just the Dalai Lama's work.

The XIVth Dalai Lama’s outspoken advocacy for environmental protection communicates to his fellow Buddhists that applying the principles of the First Precept and prajna can benefit the environment. Thus having a significant impact on the religion by enabling it to be dynamic and living. Or something. Just a stronger link to the question/Thesis itself! The Dalai Lama encourages a less superficial application of the First Precept: “Our practice of nonviolence applies not just to human beings but to all sentient beings.” While this wisdom is important to Buddhists and non-Buddhists alike, as it shows clear concern for the future of the planet in regards to every living being, this advocacy is of great significance to Buddhism as a whole. The First Precept encourages the avoidance of harming living beings, and by encouraging mindfulness in regards to the environment, the Dalai Lama is able to guide the efforts of Buddhists to show concern for the living beings affected by its degradation. This paragraph is better - It is focusing on what adherents (contemporary or otherwise) have gained from the work of the Dalai Lama, and how this guides them in the application of the beliefs. Further, he applies a less superficial application of sila by doing so, and consequently invites Buddhists to emulate this. By asserting that the management of the environment requires some application of moral virtues including right action and right livelihood, he demonstrates that the dharma is thoroughly applied to his politics and spiritualism, providing to Buddhists a figure to emulate spiritually. A stronger paragraph than above - Nicely done. From my limited perspective, lots of good analysis here.

The statement that “the significant people […] in Buddhism that have the most impact are those that challenge adherents to follow Buddhist teachings more closely” can be verified by reflecting upon the XIVth Dalai Lama and his actions regarding the construction of 200 Buddhist temples while in exile, policy of non-violence towards the Chinese and advocacy for environmental protection. These actions demonstrate that the dharmic teachings of the first of the Five Precepts, sila and prajna within the Eightfold Path and ahimsa can have a profounder application within the lives of Buddhists, and embolden them to seek to emulate him. Ergo, the aforementioned statement that those in Buddhism who encourage Buddhists to follow dharmic teachings more closely are the individuals who hold the most spiritual and political significance. Solid conclusion! Addresses the question, restates your position, runs down the arguments - Not much I'd change here!

A really great essay Caitlin! You've got a great academic writing style here - Very easy to follow your arguments.

Great Thesis, structure and conclusion - The argument is laid out well in advance and presented/structured excellently. The question is definitely answered welll in the Thesis and this carries through reasonably well into your paragraph topic sentences. I'd like to see more reference to the question, more integration of words like "impact," "adherent," - To evidence that you are still on track, at the start of each paragraph. Just slightly stronger links would elevate the work!

I think my main piece of feedback is in how you argue your points. Be careful not to slip into just, "This endeavour by the Dalai Lama shows this Buddhist teaching." That's only 1/3 of the way there - The question demands that you explore how the actions of your personality enable adherents to practice their beliefs more effectively by following teachings more closely. It's a tough thing to do, but you showed me it in places so you CAN do it! Just always ask, when talking about something the Dalai Lama has done: Why is this important to a contemporary Buddhist, or any Buddhist? What about this allows them to follow teachings more closely?

Finally, look at integrating the idea of a dynamic/living religion! It's a nice thing to add to an essay, especially for a question like this. Remember, the question is looking at obeying teachings - This makes the religion dynamic and living! It's a great link to make and it can make it easier to thread the idea of adherence through the response :)

But great work! A really great essay - I hope my limited feedback as a non-Buddhist studier was at least a little helpful :) :) :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: ssarahj on February 26, 2017, 08:12:48 pm
Could someone offer some feedback on my SOR1 essay before I submit it to my teacher for marking please?
 
In response to the 2012 Studies of Religion 1 question: "The significant people and schools of thought in Buddhism that have the most impact are those that challenge adherents to follow Buddhist teachings more closely." How accurate is this statement in relation to ONE significant person or school of thought, other than the Buddha?
Hey Caitlin! I'd be happy to help - Though disclaimer, I didn't study Buddhism, so take my feedback with a grain of salt! Can definitely comment on structure and analysis, but not knowing the content, can't be sure there! Our SOR moderator Sarah may be able to lend a hand with any Buddhism-specific queries, in addition to this feedback ;D

Hey Caitlin! I just had a read of your essay as well as Jamon's feedback and I've got a few pointers I can add in terms of your content 😃

You've covered some really solid aspects of the Dalai Lama's work; the Tibetan monasteries in India, non-violence and the environment. I also really love your use of terminology like karuna etc.

However there's another MAJOR impact that the Dalai Lama has had that I think could be worth while looking into: his contribution to the spread of Buddhism to the Western world + modernisation of Buddhism. The Dalai Lama has been instrumental in separating core Buddhist beliefs from the culture that has surrounded them for centuries. This has made Buddhism more accessible to people like us, living in the Western world. The Dalai Lama is a major role model and influencer; he's got a huge following on Facebook, YouTube and Twitter as well as publishing heaps of books - not what you'd expect from a Tibetan Buddhist leader living in rural India! Check out my Buddhism notes in the Notes section if you want to look at this idea more.

I had quite a few paragraph ideas ready to go and then chose which ones fitted the question the most logically. So this would depend on whether its an impact or contribution question or even a combined person/ethic/practice one.

In my opinion it seems like you're sitting in a really strong Band 5/6 so one to add another level of sophistication is to work on drenching your essay with relevant facts and knowledge. Basically don't give the marker any reason not to give you 100%. For example it could be impressive to have the English translation of Sanskrit terms e.g. prajna (wisdom) as well as including details like "Five Point Peace Plan (1987)" as well as the fact that he received the Noble Peace Prize in 1969.
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: 12070 on March 15, 2017, 04:20:02 pm
Hey guys, would love to get some harsh feedback on this essay as I'm really struggling with it. 2013 HSC question by the way.
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 15, 2017, 06:06:22 pm
Hey guys, would love to get some harsh feedback on this essay as I'm really struggling with it. 2013 HSC question by the way.

Hey 12070! Welcome to the forums! ;D

Thanks for posting your essay! To receive feedback, you need 15 posts on ATAR Notes for every piece you'd like marked. This is just to make sure the markers can keep up, and makes sure we can spend the 30 mins - 1 hour we like to spend giving proper help :) check out the essay marking rules for more details!

So hang around the site for a bit! Ask questions and have a chat - You'll build up the 15 posts really quick, then just let me know when you do! :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: 12070 on March 15, 2017, 07:09:29 pm
Okay no worries. I don't know how to reply directly back to you. Also how would recommend studying for section II of the SOR 2 exam because my mid-course is on section 2 and 3 and we have been given the question for section 3 as you may have seen.
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 15, 2017, 07:19:30 pm
Okay no worries. I don't know how to reply directly back to you. Also how would recommend studying for section II of the SOR 2 exam because my mid-course is on section 2 and 3 and we have been given the question for section 3 as you may have seen.

If you are in a web browser, there should be a 'Quote' button to the top right of my post! You can use that ;D

The best way to study for short answer sections is to practice. Grab some past HSC papers or practice questions and do the short answer questions (and get feedback on your answers from somewhere if you can). Ultimately, using the knowledge is the best way to retain the knowledge!! ;D

You should also make a good set of notes/palm cards/posters for your revision, if you have the time! Alternatively you could use some of the FREE notes we have for download ;D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: 12070 on March 15, 2017, 07:38:30 pm
If you are in a web browser, there should be a 'Quote' button to the top right of my post! You can use that ;D

The best way to study for short answer sections is to practice. Grab some past HSC papers or practice questions and do the short answer questions (and get feedback on your answers from somewhere if you can). Ultimately, using the knowledge is the best way to retain the knowledge!! ;D

You should also make a good set of notes/palm cards/posters for your revision, if you have the time! Alternatively you could use some of the FREE notes we have for download ;D

Okay thanks, I'll definitely check them out. My main problem is how much to put into each section. Our teacher told us that there will be a 3 marker on the practice, 5 marker on ethical teaching and 7 marker on significant person. In class we did practice questions on bioethics and I wrote 1 and a half pages on abortion and 1 page on euthanasia. How would I write a succinct 5 mark response on bioethics for example?
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: 12070 on March 16, 2017, 07:35:01 pm
Okay this is my 15th post. I would really appreciate all the feedback possible to get a 20/20. I'm really struggling on specifically linking my paragraphs to the question and finding quotes that directly link to what I'm saying. Be as critical and strident as you want (I won't mind)

Thanks in advance :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 16, 2017, 08:28:19 pm
Okay thanks, I'll definitely check them out. My main problem is how much to put into each section. Our teacher told us that there will be a 3 marker on the practice, 5 marker on ethical teaching and 7 marker on significant person. In class we did practice questions on bioethics and I wrote 1 and a half pages on abortion and 1 page on euthanasia. How would I write a succinct 5 mark response on bioethics for example?

Woops, sorry I missed this! As a general guide for length:

3 - A small to moderate paragraph
5 - A long paragraph
7 - Multiple paragraphs

But it totally depends on the question and how much time you can invest given your strengths!! Ditto for how you construct the response, depends very much on the question - Happy to help you with a specific example if you have one? ;D

Okay this is my 15th post. I would really appreciate all the feedback possible to get a 20/20. I'm really struggling on specifically linking my paragraphs to the question and finding quotes that directly link to what I'm saying. Be as critical and strident as you want (I won't mind)

Thanks in advance :)

Will jump on this in the next 24 hours for you! ;D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 17, 2017, 12:22:58 pm
Hey guys, would love to get some harsh feedback on this essay as I'm really struggling with it. 2013 HSC question by the way.

Alrighty 12070, here is your feedback! It's in the spoiler below, comments in bold ;D

Essay
In your study of religious traditions, you have focussed on the three different aspects shown in the diagram below.  Use this diagram to answer your essay.
Discuss the relationship between at least TWO of the aspects shown in the diagram, and the way they contribute to Islam as a living religious tradition.


Religion is an active and living tradition when it enables adherents to connect to their beliefs in day to day life. This notion is evident in Islam as it is comprised of various interrelated aspects evident in the diagram above. Through the contribution of core ethical teachings, theological works of influential individuals and rituals such as bioethics, A’isha Bint Abu Bakr and Hajj; a basis is provided for adherent’s to connect to their beliefs in everyday life. I like this introduction! Simple, but effective - I'd like you to add "thus contributing to Islam as an active and living religion tradition" to the end of that last sentence. Just to really hammer home that you are answering the question.

Bioethics is the study of what is morally right or wrong in situations aimed to increase the quality of human life. Islamic bioethics are derived from two main sources: The Shari’ah and moral principles. The Shari’ah classifies all actions from required (fard) to prohibited (haram). Moral principles are derived from the Qur’an and Sunnah as laid down by the hadith. These introductory sentences, while they would be appropriate in a "Describe" question, they are not necessary here. Try and re-shift your opening to answer the question, discussing how ethics are applied to make Islam a living religious tradition. These sources allow adherents to understand their principle beliefs and connect with the teachings of Allah. For example, Islam stresses the sanctity of life as a gift from Allah that must be respected as stated in the Qur’an. Is you have a specific reference here, a Surat/Verse, that would make this analysis more powerful. Allah is believed to have assigned humans the highest status in the natural hierarchy, thus giving Muslim’s the ability to reason their understanding of morals and ethics and the expectation that adherents will use these gifts with respect and for the greater good reflecting how Muslim’s should live their lives. How does this relate to making Islam a living religious tradition? Continually refer back to the question. As life is a gift from Allah, it thus follows that only he may determine an individual’s fate and their time of death. “To Allah belongs the Kingdom of the heavens and Earth. He creates what he pleases.” As a result, both suicide and euthanasia are prohibited as they interfere with Allah’s divine plan. However, drugs may be administered that ease an individual through the dying process so long as the side effects do no result in the hastening of death. Again, these specifics are not relevant unless you link them to living religious tradition, or to the beliefs they are connecting with. It is permissible for life support and the artificial prolongation of life to be discontinued as the Islamic code of medical ethics states “If it is scientifically certain that life cannot be restored, then it is futile to diligently keep the patient in a vegetative state by heroic means or to preserve the patient by deep freezing or other artificial methods.” Be sure that your paragraphs have a proper conclusion - "Thus, it is clear how Islamic principles of bioethics are applied in relevant ways to contribute to Islam as a living religious tradition." Or something.

Similarly, Aisha Bint Abu Bakr was a key figure in the contribution to Islam as a living religious tradition. That's a better topic sentence! Aisha was well educated in the Sunnah and Qur’an due to Muhammad’s guidance in her education and is a major source of the Hadith, reportedly contributing 2000 of the prophet’s sayings as well as two contributions to the Qur’an as a result of her experiences. Thus, her work is pivotal in the application of ETHICAL PRINCIPLES - This is the perfect chance to start highlighting the relationships between the aspects, a key part of the question. Aisha was often called upon to act as an interpreter of the Qur’an to apply to situations from which other disagreements arose. As a result, she became an authority figure in Islam, preserving the texts and contributing interpretations that allowed the faith to be further developed after Muhammad’s death. You could easily link to ethical teachings here as well - You need to be drawing these links to really be addressing the question. Discussing them all completely separately is not going to do the job by itself. She also promoted the faith through her participation in and clarification of zaikai (the pillar of almsgiving) and the rituals of Hajj. Lots of good info in this paragraph, but you've not mentioned "living religious tradition" or any of the Islamic core beliefs beyond the first sentence. None of your ideas have been linked to your Thesis or the question!

The essential belief of Islam is the surrender to Allah. This surrender is epitomised through the undertaking of the Hajj, in which the pilgrims must display sacrifice and commitment in order to truly submit to the will of Allah. That's a really nice introduction! Just add something about "living religious" to link it properly to your Thesis and the question. Therefore, connecting Muslims to the true essence of their beliefs and committing Muslims to live an Islamic life. The pilgrimage perfects an individual’s faith through the many challenges within the preparation and the pilgrimage itself that are encountered. These last two sentences seem very vague - In what specific ways are Muslims connected to their beliefs? What specific Beliefs? Specific challenges? Each ritual allows the individual to foster a deeper bond with Allah displayed through the rejection of external temptations. It gives Muslims a chance to attain a sense of absolute forgiveness and purity, thus enhancing their spirituality. and contributing to Islam as a living religious tradition. You MUST be hammering this home!

Through the ongoing significance of bioethics, the contributions of A’sha Bint Abu Bakr, and Hajj, it is clear that Islam provides the adherents with core ethical teachings, rituals and theological works that guide their everyday actions, and drive their spirituality and beliefs. Therefore, it is evident that Islam is a highly dynamic and living religious tradition, as it enables adherents to connect to their beliefs in day to day life. Nice and succinct conclusion too! I wouldn't want much more than this! :)

So when I read the introduction of this essay, I was stoked. It answered the question so well and linked it to beliefs in a really sophisticated way (which is something I'm a big fan of) - You absolutely nailed it. The issue is, your body paragraphs didn't deliver on the promises your Thesis made. Your Thesis said that the different aspects of Islam interacted to give adherents way to connect with their beliefs, thus proving dynamic and living. Then in your essay, you didn't mention any of the specific core beliefs of Islam, you didn't explore the ways the aspects interrelated, and even though you did mention living religious tradition, it was only in your introductions. None of your ideas were directly linked to that concept - As a result, your body didn't answer the question the way your intro promised it would!

Now don't get me wrong, you know your stuff. I can tell - You've got some killer evidence in there for all three aspects (except perhaps Hajj, which was a little limited in specifics compared to the other two, try and achieve a balance!). But I'm looking you to do more with those pieces of knowledge:

- Link the specific pieces of evidence to beliefs - For example, many of the Hadith contributed by A'isha related directly to the belief in Tawhid (the oneness of Allah and submission to Allah - The Arabic terminology gives your response weight!), many bioethical teachings can be linked to the idea of Qadr (predestination and free will) - Those sorts of specific links give powerful examples of Islam as a living religious tradition.
- Link the aspects to each other - It is very easy to link A'isha to Hajj and Bioethics (though probably hard to link Hajj and Bioethics with each other). This is essential, because the question demands you to discuss relationships!

You have the framework of a great essay here - Great Thesis, great examples, strong knowledge. You just need to do more with that knowledge, use it in more specific ways, and that is what will start to elevate you! If you were still looking for specific quotes to back you up, check the Notes sections! I'm pretty sure my notes on A'isha are there (if not I'll find and upload) and you might find stuff on Hajj and Bioethics!

Now if you hang around the site for a bit, you'll know I'm probably the harshest marker here, because I believe in smashing you now so you have a super strong essay later ;) that said, I'd say you are sitting at about 12-13/20 right now, the top of the mid range. With reference to the criteria - You've used relevant terminology in a well structured response, and you've got relevant information, but it isn't linked to your argument effectively, and you've not explored the relationship between the aspects adequately :)

Let me know if I can clarify any of this for you! ;D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: 12070 on March 18, 2017, 04:21:45 pm
Thanks heaps for this! I have tried taking your advice and made a new paragraph below (and changed my introduction a little) trying to link A'isha and Hajj. Any advice or extra quotes I can add would be greatly appreciated because my teacher loves quotes and I find it really difficult to find quotes relating to what i'm saying.

Thanks again :)

Spoiler
Religion is an active and living tradition when it enables adherents to connect to their beliefs in day to day life. This notion is expressed throughout Islam as it is comprised of various interrelated aspects evident in the diagram above. Through the contribution of core ethical teachings, impacts of influential individuals and rituals, such as bioethics, A’isha Bint Abu Bakr and Hajj; a basis is provided for adherent’s to connect to their beliefs in everyday life.
Thus contributing to Islam as an active and living religious tradition.

Aisha Bint Abu Bakr was a key figure in the contribution to Islam as a living religious tradition.  Aisha was well educated in the Sunnah and Qur’an due to Muhammad’s guidance in her education and is a major source of the Hadith, reportedly contributing 2000 of the prophet’s sayings as well as two contributions to the Qur’an as a result of her experiences. Many of the Hadiths she contributed, connected Muslims to an understanding of their faith and guided them in how to live by Allah’s will, such as their belief in Tawhid (the oneness and submission to Allah). This surrender is epitomised through the undertaking of the Hajj, in which the pilgrims must display sacrifice and commitment in order to truly submit to the will of Allah. This commitment is reflected through attaining a special state of purity called Ihram. In the state of Ihram, adherents wear white garments (also called Ihram) symbolising equality and unity between each of the pilgrims; “…one should not be able to tell a prince from a pauper.”  Muslims are therefore connected to the true essence of their belief in Tawhid, committing Muslims to living an Islamic life and subsequently contributing to Islam as an active and living religious tradition.

Also, I am struggling with my analysis on how bioethics relates to Qadr. I can see how they could connect but I'm not sure how to word.

Islamic core ethical teachings such as bioethics have had a significant impact in the contribution to Islam as a living religious tradition. Bioethics allow adherents to understand their principle beliefs such as Qadr (predestination and free will) connecting Muslims with the teachings of Allah. As life is a gift from Allah, it thus follows that only he may determine an individual’s fate and their time of death. “To Allah belongs the Kingdom of the heavens and Earth. He creates what he pleases.” As a result, both suicide and euthanasia are prohibited as they interfere with Allah’s divine plan. However, drugs may be administered that ease an individual through the dying process so long as the side effects do no result in the hastening of death. It is permissible for life support and the artificial prolongation of life to be discontinued as the Islamic code of medical ethics states “If it is scientifically certain that life cannot be restored, then it is futile to diligently keep the patient in a vegetative state by heroic means or to preserve the patient by deep freezing or other artificial methods.”  Thus, it is clear how Islamic principles of bioethics are applied in relevant ways to contribute to Islam as a living religious tradition."

btw I couldn't find your notes on A'isha

Mod Edit: Posts merged :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 18, 2017, 06:22:48 pm
Thanks heaps for this! I have tried taking your advice and made a new paragraph below (and changed my introduction a little) trying to link A'isha and Hajj. Any advice or extra quotes I can add would be greatly appreciated because my teacher loves quotes and I find it really difficult to find quotes relating to what i'm saying.

Thanks again :)

Cool! I like your new introduction - I think it addresses the question just a little bit better ;D

Ditto with your new paragraph - The links are more explicit. You connect the Hadiths to modern Muslim understanding of the faith at the start, and did similar things for Hajj. Definitely on the right track! My issue would be, if you are going to use paragraphs like this, how will you structure it? Will you do one for A'isha/Hajj, one for Hajj/Bioethics, one for Bioethics/A'isha? Further, be sure that you include Hajj in your topic sentence if it will play a primary role!

Quote
Also, I am struggling with my analysis on how bioethics relates to Qadr. I can see how they could connect but I'm not sure how to word.

I didn't do Bioethics, so my usefulness here will be limited, buuut I'd imagine you'd link it to the idea of Islamic jurisprudence. Many Islamic bioethical issues do not have a direct answer in any Qur'an or Hadith passages, so, it becomes the role of the adherent to apply their free will (Qadr) to interpret the opinions of Islamic scholars and of general Islamic ethical principles (supremacy of life, purification of the soul) for their actions :)

Quote
btw I couldn't find your notes on A'isha

Oh really? I'll try and find em! :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: 12070 on March 18, 2017, 08:42:17 pm
Cool! I like your new introduction - I think it addresses the question just a little bit better ;D

Ditto with your new paragraph - The links are more explicit. You connect the Hadiths to modern Muslim understanding of the faith at the start, and did similar things for Hajj. Definitely on the right track! My issue would be, if you are going to use paragraphs like this, how will you structure it? Will you do one for A'isha/Hajj, one for Hajj/Bioethics, one for Bioethics/A'isha? Further, be sure that you include Hajj in your topic sentence if it will play a primary role!

I didn't do Bioethics, so my usefulness here will be limited, buuut I'd imagine you'd link it to the idea of Islamic jurisprudence. Many Islamic bioethical issues do not have a direct answer in any Qur'an or Hadith passages, so, it becomes the role of the adherent to apply their free will (Qadr) to interpret the opinions of Islamic scholars and of general Islamic ethical principles (supremacy of life, purification of the soul) for their actions :)

Oh really? I'll try and find em! :)

Thanks for all your help so far. Has been greatly appreciated. Usefulness was at a premium for bioethics even though you had not studied it. My structure is Aisha/Hajj, Aisha/bioethics, Hajj/bioethics. Although because we haven't been taught any beliefs in year 12 I don't know what beliefs I can link. If you have any or have any prelim notes on the beliefs I should be able to find a way to make a solid paragraph.

This is my second paragraph as well. Good/bad? Any suggestions?

Spoiler
Aisha and bioethics have played a similar role in the contribution to Islam as a living religious tradition. Due to Aisha’s vast knowledge of Islam and the prophet’s teachings, she was often called upon to act as an interpreter of the Qur’an to apply to situations from which other disagreements arose. As a result, she became an authority figure in Islam, preserving the texts and contributing interpretations that allowed the faith to be further developed after Muhammad’s death. “Modesty does not prevent them (adherents) from learning about their religion.” This directly relates to the Islamic principle belief known as Fiqh (Islamic jurisprudence).  Bioethics similarly allow adherents to gain greater understanding of their belief in Fiqh. Many Islamic bioethical issues do not have a direct answer in any Qur'an or Hadith passages, so, it becomes the role of the adherent to apply their free will (Qadr) to interpret the opinions of Islamic scholars and of general Islamic ethical principles (supremacy of life, purification of the soul) for their actions. For example, although abortion is seen as morally wrong in accordance with the sanctity of life, there are no explicit rules that outlaw abortion. This is where the Fiqh principle is applied to the lesser of two evils whereby if having the baby puts the mother’s health/life at risk, the abortion is permitted. Thus, it is clear how Aisha’s knowledge and interpretations and Islamic principles of bioethics are applied in relevant ways to contribute to Islam as a living religious tradition

Okay so I've finished my essay and now need to remember it by tomorrow. Any tips on how to do so or final pointers on my essay would be of great value.

Spoiler
Religion is an active and living tradition when it enables adherents to connect to their beliefs in day to day life. This notion is expressed throughout Islam as it is comprised of various interrelated aspects evident in the diagram provided. Through the contribution of influential individuals, impacts of core ethical teachings and rituals such as A’isha Bint Abu Bakr, bioethics and Hajj; a basis is provided for adherent’s to connect to their beliefs in everyday life thus contributing to Islam as an active and living religious tradition.

Aisha Bint Abu Bakr and Hajj are of primary importance in the contribution to Islam as a living religious tradition.  Aisha was well educated in the Sunnah and Qur’an due to Muhammad’s guidance in her education and is a major source of the Hadith, reportedly contributing 2000 of the prophet’s sayings as well as two contributions to the Qur’an as a result of her experiences. Many of the Hadiths she contributed, connected Muslims to an understanding of their faith and guided them to how to live by Allah’s will, such as their belief in Tawhid (the oneness and submission to Allah). "Glory be to Thee, O Allah," and "Praise be to Thee" and "Blessed is Thy name, and Exalted is Thy greatness, and there is no god but Allah." This submission is further epitomised through the undertaking of the Hajj, in which the pilgrims must display sacrifice and commitment in order to truly submit to the will of Allah. This commitment is reflected through attaining a special state of purity called Ihram. In the state of Ihram, adherents wear white garments (also called Ihram) symbolising equality and unity between each of the pilgrims; “…one should not be able to tell a prince from a pauper.”  Muslims are therefore connected to the true essence of their belief in Tawhid, committing Muslims to living an Islamic life and subsequently contributing to Islam as an active and living religious tradition.

Aisha and bioethics have played a similar role in the contribution to Islam as a living religious tradition. Due to Aisha’s vast knowledge of Islam and the prophet’s teachings, she was often called upon to act as an interpreter of the Qur’an to apply to situations from which other disagreements arose. As a result, she became an authority figure in Islam, preserving the texts and contributing interpretations that allowed the faith to be further developed after Muhammad’s death. “Modesty does not prevent them (adherents) from learning about their religion.” This directly relates to the Islamic principle belief known as Fiqh (Islamic jurisprudence).  Bioethics similarly allow adherents to gain greater understanding of their belief in Fiqh. Many Islamic bioethical issues do not have a direct answer in any Qur'an or Hadith passages, so, it becomes the role of the adherent to apply their free will (Qadr) to interpret the opinions of Islamic scholars and of general Islamic ethical principles (supremacy of life, purification of the soul) for their actions. For example, although abortion is seen as morally wrong in accordance with the sanctity of life, there are no explicit rules that outlaw abortion. This is where the Fiqh principle is applied to the lesser of two evils whereby if having the baby puts the mother’s health/life at risk, the abortion is permitted. Thus, it is clear how Aisha’s knowledge and interpretations, and Islamic principles of bioethics are applied in relevant ways to contribute to Islam as a living religious tradition

Bioethics and Hajj have great significance in the contribution to Islam as a living religious tradition. Islamic bioethics are derived from two main sources: The Shari’ah and moral principles. The Shari’ah classifies all actions from required (fard) to prohibited (haram). Moral principles are derived from the Qur’an and Sunnah as laid down by the hadith. These sources allow adherents to gain greater knowledge in their belief in Akhira (day of judgement) and connect with the teachings of Allah. Muslims believe each adherent has two angels which record their good and evil deeds throughout life. As euthanasia is haram (“To Allah belongs the Kingdom of the heavens and Earth. He creates what he pleases”) adherents that euthanise patients (who aren’t already in a vegetative state) by discontinuing their life support or administering drugs which result in the hastening of death may be seen as evil and go to jananham (hell). Similarly, the Qur’an states “pilgrimage to the House (Hajj) is a duty unto Allah for mankind” so long as they are physically and economically eligible to do so. Hajj is seen to have a spiritual merit that provides Muslims with an opportunity of self-renewal and serves as a reminder of Akhira and the day of judgement. As Hajj is obligatory, adherents who choose not to complete this important ritual may be rejected from entering Jannah (paradise). Thus it is clear how Bioethics and Hajj play a significant role in connecting Muslims to their belief in Akhira and how it compels adherents to live an Islamic life and hence contributing to Islam as a living religious tradition.

Through the the contributions of A’sha Bint Abu Bakr, and the ongoing significance of bioethics and Hajj, it is clear that Islam provides adherents with core ethical teachings, rituals and theological works that guide their everyday actions, and enables them to connect with their spirituality and beliefs. Therefore, it is evident that Islam is a highly dynamic and living religious tradition, as it enables adherents to connect to their beliefs in day to day life.


Mod Edit: Added spoilers, post merge :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 19, 2017, 11:38:57 pm
Sorry 12070, the forums got really busy tonight - Needed to devote the time to the people who I hadn't helped at all yet, have to be fair :) but I think your essay looks good, definitely an improvement on the previous draft, so well done! Good luck with your exam! ;D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: 12070 on March 20, 2017, 12:01:19 pm
Sorry 12070, the forums got really busy tonight - Needed to devote the time to the people who I hadn't helped at all yet, have to be fair :) but I think your essay looks good, definitely an improvement on the previous draft, so well done! Good luck with your exam! ;D

Yeah I completely understand. I basically remembered it word for word so I'm hoping for around 17. Hopefully a total of 40+/50 to continue my streak of not dropping past 80% in year 12. Anyway, thanks for all the help; it was greatly appreciated. Time for economics  :'(
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on March 20, 2017, 12:20:07 pm

Yeah I completely understand. I basically remembered it word for word so I'm hoping for around 17. Hopefully a total of 40+/50 to continue my streak of not dropping past 80% in year 12. Anyway, thanks for all the help; it was greatly appreciated. Time for economics  :'(

Great to hear! Fingers crossed for you, best of luck for the rest of your exams! ☺
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 03, 2017, 09:38:02 pm
Hi
Could you please mark my essay for me,
* “The significant people and schools of thought in Buddhism that have the most impact are those that challenge adherents to follow Buddhist teachings more closely.”
* How accurate is this statement in relation to ONE significant person or school of thought, other than the Buddha?

Hey! Absolutely - Didn't study Buddhism though so take my feedback for what it is worth! :)

Essay with Feedback in BOLD
The most important people and schools of thought in Buddhism are those that challenge adherents to follow Buddhist teachings more closely, such as the XIVth Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyataso. It is a restatement of the question, but there isn't necessarily anything wrong with that. If you wanted to elevate, try adding some new spin/element to this idea. He is an internationally recognised figure as well as being the religious and political leader of Tibetan Buddhism. His tremendous impact to challenge Buddhists to follow the teachings more closely can be seen in the way he has contributed to both the development and expression of Buddhism. This is reinforced through the principle beliefs of Buddhism, the way he has promoted messages of peace, environmental ethics and modernized Buddhist teachings. Great introduction! Simple, answers the question, can't ask for more :)

The Dalai Lama reinforces the principle beliefs of Buddhism such as the five precepts, the four noble truths and the three jewels, which emphasize the best ways to attain nirvana and lead a skillful life so as to avoid samsara. By reinforcing these expressions of Buddhism he has challenged adherents to follow Buddhist teachings more closely such as the five precepts abandoning, killing, stealing, unwise and unkind sexual behavior, lying, and taking intoxicants (alcohol, recreational drugs, and misuse of prescription medicines). Something about those two sentences seems a little off syntax wise -
 It could be worth splitting them into three sentences to make it a little clearer. Besides that, nicely done!
. The four noble truths are the foundation of Buddha’s teaching and they unite the different schools of Buddhism and their differing practices, as the Dalai Lama stated, “the four noble truths, the ultimate method to overcome ignorance is wisdom understanding reality.” The four noble truths include suffering (dukka), craving (Samudāya), the cessation of suffering (Nirodha) and the Noble Eightfold Path (enlightenment). Try not to go too much into the details of the ethics and beliefs of Buddhism - Keep the focus on the impact of the Dalai Lama. The Dalai Lama also emphasises the three jewels, “Three Jewels of refuge… because if we understand what they are, it becomes easier to have faith or confidence and trust in them”, suggesting the significance and great importance of the three jewels in order to challenge adherents to follow Buddhist teachings more closely. Perhaps a little too much description of Buddhism as a religion, over how the Dalai Lama has impacted on it. Try and be specific with the impact of the significant person, what actual tangible ways is the modern adherent impacted?

The ultimate goal of Buddhism is peace, not only peace in this world but peace in all worlds, the Dalai Lama is an accurate representation of peace through his works such as the five-point peace plan as well as his recognitions, the Noble peace prize, 1989. How does this relate to challenging adherents to follow teachings? Be sure to keep the focus on the question. Within his Five Point Peace Plan, he proclaimed that, “…lasting peace can only be achieved if we think in terms of broader interest rather than parochial needs.” Nice inclusion of quotes. This is significant, because it demonstrates the Dalai Lama’s value of peace as it prevents the occurrence of war breaking out between the much more powerful China and Tibet, and allows him to focus on solidifying the peace between the two nations through his efforts to challenge adherents to follow Buddhism more closely. Which teaching is being followed more closely? Try to be as specific as possible when you are responding to the question. Don't leave doubt that you deserve the marks. The Buddha, much similar to the Dalai Lama, emphasises that the first step on the path to peace is understanding the causality of peace, hence, when we understand what causes peace, we know where to direct our efforts, this is seen through verse 5 of the Dhammapada which states, "Hatred is never appeased by hatred. Hatred is only appeased by Love” which reinforces the extreme importance Buddhism shows towards peace and love. Does this directly relate to your significant person's work? Thus through the Dalai Lama’s efforts to attain peace in the world as well as his world- wide recognition as the recipient of the 1989 noble peace prize which encourages adherents to follow Buddhism more closely. Another good paragraph, but I feel you are still being a little vague - Lots of room to really hone in on the question and hammer it home.

The Dalai Lama’s rhetoric and speeches have assisted in shaping Buddhists approaches and philosophy to modern ethical and environmental issues through applying the principles of the five precepts and prajna in order to benefit the environment, thus having a significant impact on the religion by enabling it to be dynamic and living. Nice intro! Again though, try and work the question in there - Challenge! The Dalai Lama encourages a thoughtful application of the First Precept: “Our practice of nonviolence applies not just to human beings but to all sentient beings.” While this wisdom is important to Buddhists and non-Buddhists alike, it presents a distinct concern for the future of the environment in regards to every living being, this advocacy allows for Buddhist adherents to follow Buddhism more closely. The First Precept encourages the avoidance of harming living beings, and by encouraging mindfulness in regards to the environment, the Dalai Lama is able to guide the efforts of Buddhists to show concern for the living beings affected by its degradation. Good - This is what I mean about being specific, this is a real, tangible, specific way that the modern adherent has their world view altered/challenged. This would be something, if linked properly, that would score big points. The Dalai Lama reinforces the Sila, the principle of human behavior that promotes orderly and peaceful existence in a community, through his assertion, “Destruction of nature and nature resources results from ignorance, greed and lack of respect for the earth's living things.” Hence allowing Buddhists to mimic it. And challenging them to follow the teaching of Sila more closely. Through the declaration of the management of the environment and the requirement of application of moral virtues such as the eight fold path, “right view, right resolve, right speech, right conduct, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right "samadhi"”. Thus through the direct impact on design and formulation of Buddhist thought on the environment, allowing adherents and non- adherents to follow Buddhism more closely. Nice inclusion of quotes - I'd say this is your strongest paragraph.

Hence, through the the principle beliefs of Buddhism, the way the 14th Dalai Lama has promoted messages of peace, environmental ethics and modernized Buddhist teachings, encourages adherents to follow Buddhism more closely. Try a little beefier conclusion - Fully restate some of the ideas in your Thesis and conclude more completely, if you have time.

Really strong essay here hanaacdr! Lots of quotes (awesome) and a clear knowledge of Buddhism - Excellent work! ;D just be careful to put the detail where it counts - You won't get points for detail in the wrong areas. Put the detail on the Dalai Lama, and how his work impacts on adherents to challenge them to adhere to Buddhism more closely. Don't put so much detail into the teachings themselves or where they come from - That is less relevant and less effective for your purposes :)

Hopefully this feedback helps! If anyone has studied or is studying Buddhism and has feedback for hanaacdr, please feel free to share it ;D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: hanaacdr on April 10, 2017, 10:37:19 am
Hey! Absolutely - Didn't study Buddhism though so take my feedback for what it is worth! :)

Essay with Feedback in BOLD
The most important people and schools of thought in Buddhism are those that challenge adherents to follow Buddhist teachings more closely, such as the XIVth Dalai Lama, Tenzin Gyataso. It is a restatement of the question, but there isn't necessarily anything wrong with that. If you wanted to elevate, try adding some new spin/element to this idea. He is an internationally recognised figure as well as being the religious and political leader of Tibetan Buddhism. His tremendous impact to challenge Buddhists to follow the teachings more closely can be seen in the way he has contributed to both the development and expression of Buddhism. This is reinforced through the principle beliefs of Buddhism, the way he has promoted messages of peace, environmental ethics and modernized Buddhist teachings. Great introduction! Simple, answers the question, can't ask for more :)

The Dalai Lama reinforces the principle beliefs of Buddhism such as the five precepts, the four noble truths and the three jewels, which emphasize the best ways to attain nirvana and lead a skillful life so as to avoid samsara. By reinforcing these expressions of Buddhism he has challenged adherents to follow Buddhist teachings more closely such as the five precepts abandoning, killing, stealing, unwise and unkind sexual behavior, lying, and taking intoxicants (alcohol, recreational drugs, and misuse of prescription medicines). Something about those two sentences seems a little off syntax wise -
 It could be worth splitting them into three sentences to make it a little clearer. Besides that, nicely done!
. The four noble truths are the foundation of Buddha’s teaching and they unite the different schools of Buddhism and their differing practices, as the Dalai Lama stated, “the four noble truths, the ultimate method to overcome ignorance is wisdom understanding reality.” The four noble truths include suffering (dukka), craving (Samudāya), the cessation of suffering (Nirodha) and the Noble Eightfold Path (enlightenment). Try not to go too much into the details of the ethics and beliefs of Buddhism - Keep the focus on the impact of the Dalai Lama. The Dalai Lama also emphasises the three jewels, “Three Jewels of refuge… because if we understand what they are, it becomes easier to have faith or confidence and trust in them”, suggesting the significance and great importance of the three jewels in order to challenge adherents to follow Buddhist teachings more closely. Perhaps a little too much description of Buddhism as a religion, over how the Dalai Lama has impacted on it. Try and be specific with the impact of the significant person, what actual tangible ways is the modern adherent impacted?

The ultimate goal of Buddhism is peace, not only peace in this world but peace in all worlds, the Dalai Lama is an accurate representation of peace through his works such as the five-point peace plan as well as his recognitions, the Noble peace prize, 1989. How does this relate to challenging adherents to follow teachings? Be sure to keep the focus on the question. Within his Five Point Peace Plan, he proclaimed that, “…lasting peace can only be achieved if we think in terms of broader interest rather than parochial needs.” Nice inclusion of quotes. This is significant, because it demonstrates the Dalai Lama’s value of peace as it prevents the occurrence of war breaking out between the much more powerful China and Tibet, and allows him to focus on solidifying the peace between the two nations through his efforts to challenge adherents to follow Buddhism more closely. Which teaching is being followed more closely? Try to be as specific as possible when you are responding to the question. Don't leave doubt that you deserve the marks. The Buddha, much similar to the Dalai Lama, emphasises that the first step on the path to peace is understanding the causality of peace, hence, when we understand what causes peace, we know where to direct our efforts, this is seen through verse 5 of the Dhammapada which states, "Hatred is never appeased by hatred. Hatred is only appeased by Love” which reinforces the extreme importance Buddhism shows towards peace and love. Does this directly relate to your significant person's work? Thus through the Dalai Lama’s efforts to attain peace in the world as well as his world- wide recognition as the recipient of the 1989 noble peace prize which encourages adherents to follow Buddhism more closely. Another good paragraph, but I feel you are still being a little vague - Lots of room to really hone in on the question and hammer it home.

The Dalai Lama’s rhetoric and speeches have assisted in shaping Buddhists approaches and philosophy to modern ethical and environmental issues through applying the principles of the five precepts and prajna in order to benefit the environment, thus having a significant impact on the religion by enabling it to be dynamic and living. Nice intro! Again though, try and work the question in there - Challenge! The Dalai Lama encourages a thoughtful application of the First Precept: “Our practice of nonviolence applies not just to human beings but to all sentient beings.” While this wisdom is important to Buddhists and non-Buddhists alike, it presents a distinct concern for the future of the environment in regards to every living being, this advocacy allows for Buddhist adherents to follow Buddhism more closely. The First Precept encourages the avoidance of harming living beings, and by encouraging mindfulness in regards to the environment, the Dalai Lama is able to guide the efforts of Buddhists to show concern for the living beings affected by its degradation. Good - This is what I mean about being specific, this is a real, tangible, specific way that the modern adherent has their world view altered/challenged. This would be something, if linked properly, that would score big points. The Dalai Lama reinforces the Sila, the principle of human behavior that promotes orderly and peaceful existence in a community, through his assertion, “Destruction of nature and nature resources results from ignorance, greed and lack of respect for the earth's living things.” Hence allowing Buddhists to mimic it. And challenging them to follow the teaching of Sila more closely. Through the declaration of the management of the environment and the requirement of application of moral virtues such as the eight fold path, “right view, right resolve, right speech, right conduct, right livelihood, right effort, right mindfulness, and right "samadhi"”. Thus through the direct impact on design and formulation of Buddhist thought on the environment, allowing adherents and non- adherents to follow Buddhism more closely. Nice inclusion of quotes - I'd say this is your strongest paragraph.

Hence, through the the principle beliefs of Buddhism, the way the 14th Dalai Lama has promoted messages of peace, environmental ethics and modernized Buddhist teachings, encourages adherents to follow Buddhism more closely. Try a little beefier conclusion - Fully restate some of the ideas in your Thesis and conclude more completely, if you have time.

Really strong essay here hanaacdr! Lots of quotes (awesome) and a clear knowledge of Buddhism - Excellent work! ;D just be careful to put the detail where it counts - You won't get points for detail in the wrong areas. Put the detail on the Dalai Lama, and how his work impacts on adherents to challenge them to adhere to Buddhism more closely. Don't put so much detail into the teachings themselves or where they come from - That is less relevant and less effective for your purposes :)

Hopefully this feedback helps! If anyone has studied or is studying Buddhism and has feedback for hanaacdr, please feel free to share it ;D

thank you!
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: MA000000 on April 26, 2017, 07:29:07 pm
Hi im new here can you please mark my essay on islamic sexual ethics and please make sure the essay flows.

Thanks in adavance
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on April 26, 2017, 07:50:42 pm
Hi im new here can you please mark my essay on islamic sexual ethics and please make sure the essay flows.

Thanks in adavance

Hey MA000000! Welcome to the forums! ;D

Thanks for posting your essay! To receive feedback, you need 15 posts on ATAR Notes for every piece you'd like marked. This is just to make sure the markers can keep up, and makes sure we can spend the 30 mins - 1 hour we like to spend giving proper help :) check out the essay marking rules for more details!

So hang around the site for a bit! Ask questions and have a chat - You'll build up the 15 posts really quick, then just let me know when you do! :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: mjorfian on May 09, 2017, 12:54:41 pm
Hiya! It's me again. Would you guys mind giving me a bit of advice on how to answer this essay question? I'm not quite sure what it's asking for. I understand I have to address sacred writings, but would I have to bring in bioethics in it as well? How would you go about structuring it? Last time, my essay feedback from my teachers were that I didn't quite address jewish beliefs as the overarching argument, and that I would pretty much have to do it for every essay but I'm still lost on how to link it seemlessly. Here's the question:

“Sacred writings draw on the wisdom of the past even as they give voice to the issues and concerns of the present.” (Anon.)

Explain how Judaism draws on the wisdom of the past to guide the lives of adherents today.
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 09, 2017, 01:54:33 pm
Hiya! It's me again. Would you guys mind giving me a bit of advice on how to answer this essay question? I'm not quite sure what it's asking for. I understand I have to address sacred writings, but would I have to bring in bioethics in it as well? How would you go about structuring it? Last time, my essay feedback from my teachers were that I didn't quite address jewish beliefs as the overarching argument, and that I would pretty much have to do it for every essay but I'm still lost on how to link it seemlessly. Here's the question:

“Sacred writings draw on the wisdom of the past even as they give voice to the issues and concerns of the present.” (Anon.)

Explain how Judaism draws on the wisdom of the past to guide the lives of adherents today.

Hey! ;D I don't think there is a set right/wrong way to approach this question, definitely many ways to tackle the structure and arguments!

I think Bioethics is the most natural choice. So, your argument would be how principles of Jewish ethics (particularly those with grounds in sacred texts) guide the adherents response to bioethical issues (EG - abortion). How are principles applied to issues?

If you wanted to incorporate beliefs, you would explore how the ethical principles are reflective of the key beliefs of Judaism. You'd probably structure your paragraphs in this way - So one paragraph per belief, going "This is the belief, these are the principles that reflect this belief, and this is how they are applied to guide the adherent in responding to bioethical issues." Rinse and repeat :) this is a tough structure but it can work incredibly well if done correctly!

I go into more detail here if you fancy a 5 minute read! :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: mjorfian on May 09, 2017, 09:01:52 pm
Hey! ;D I don't think there is a set right/wrong way to approach this question, definitely many ways to tackle the structure and arguments!

I think Bioethics is the most natural choice. So, your argument would be how principles of Jewish ethics (particularly those with grounds in sacred texts) guide the adherents response to bioethical issues (EG - abortion). How are principles applied to issues?

If you wanted to incorporate beliefs, you would explore how the ethical principles are reflective of the key beliefs of Judaism. You'd probably structure your paragraphs in this way - So one paragraph per belief, going "This is the belief, these are the principles that reflect this belief, and this is how they are applied to guide the adherent in responding to bioethical issues." Rinse and repeat :) this is a tough structure but it can work incredibly well if done correctly!

I go into more detail here if you fancy a 5 minute read! :)

Oh okay!! I just haven't quite figured out the flexibility of SOR essays just yet so I was a bit sceptical with my perspective on it!. So thank you Jamon, I'll give that a go :) 
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: Snew on May 11, 2017, 10:14:28 pm
Hope its ok just to post an introduction  ;D thanks legends.

How do the ethical teachings of Christianity guide adherents to live lives that are not selfish, but that are based on God’s wisdom? In your response, refer to bioethics

The ethical teachings of the Christian tradition guide adherents in living selflessly, and centre all aspects of living on the wisdom of Christ. These ethical teachings are drawn from sources of authority in the tradition, and can then be applied to contemporary issues of contention, such as bioethical issues. Bioethics incorporates the medical, scientific and theological aspects of actions related to the beginning and ending of life, and Christian adherents seek to consciously address what is taught in the Christian tradition in order to fulfill their beliefs. Thus, a Christian’s response enables them to continue living a life based on the wisdom of God, in accordance with the ethical teachings of the tradition.

really struggled with beefing this out! I'm finding it hard to write just an essay on just ethics  :o
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 18, 2017, 05:58:23 pm
Hope its ok just to post an introduction  ;D thanks legends.

Hey Snew! Sorry mate, this totally flew under the radar, but definitely okay to post an intro! (doesn't count towards post requirement obvs)

Spoiler
How do the ethical teachings of Christianity guide adherents to live lives that are not selfish, but that are based on God’s wisdom? In your response, refer to bioethics

The ethical teachings of the Christian tradition guide adherents in living selflessly, and centre all aspects of living on the wisdom of Christ. How? This is basically a restatement of the question - Which is good, but not the most sophisticated approach. These ethical teachings are drawn from sources of authority in the tradition, and can then be applied to contemporary issues of contention, such as bioethical issues. Nice link/segueway into the specific area you will deal with. Bioethics incorporates the medical, scientific and theological aspects of actions related to the beginning and ending of life, and Christian adherents seek to consciously address what is taught in the Christian tradition in order to fulfill their beliefs. How? This seems a little vague. Thus, a Christian’s response enables them to continue living a life based on the wisdom of God, in accordance with the ethical teachings of the tradition.

I think this intro does the job, but a few things to consider:

How exactly do the ethical teachings guide adherents? You've said they do, and you've argued they are applied to contemporary bioethical issues, but I'm not quite getting HOW they guide the adherent to address these issues. I always found the easiest way to argue this is beliefs - Ethical teachings guide the adherent in APPLYING THEIR BELIEFS to the bioethical issues. All Christian ethical principles are based on beliefs in some way, shape or form - The teachings are then the guidelines of how to apply these beliefs and principles to real situations. This could be a thread for your essay structure too - Basing your paragraphs around the different beliefs :) I wrote a guide on this structure if you'd like a read!

You could also include the idea of dynamic/living religious tradition - That the application of principles to contemporary bioethical issues allows the beliefs/principles of the tradition to remain relevant!

I just think the Intro right now is very much just giving the question right back to the marker, without too much further development or evaluation. Including some of the ideas above will elevate it a little more, and may give you a stronger argument throughout the response too! :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: mjorfian on May 21, 2017, 08:17:34 pm
Hey, I'm back! Hope it's okay for you to have a look at this intro for me. Thanks!

Assess the contributions of ONE significant person (other than Abraham and Moses) to the development and expression of Jewish beliefs and practices.


The prophet Isaiah has had a significant impact on the development and expression of Jewish beliefs and practices both in his time and centuries through the contemporary society. He was a prophet from Judah who began his ministry in 740 BC during the turbulent period of Assyrian expansion and the subsequent decline of Israel in the north. Known for his long ministry, Isaiah achieved the considerable status of ‘the prince of the prophets’ through his many significant contributions to the development and expression of Jewish beliefs and practices. Some of which are his oracles of the messiah, his warnings about punishment and salvation, his role as a political leader, and his passionate advocacy for social justice. Thus, it can be seen his contributions were undeniably significant to the development and expression of Jewish beliefs and practices. 
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on May 21, 2017, 11:28:17 pm
Hey, I'm back! Hope it's okay for you to have a look at this intro for me. Thanks!

Sure!

Spoiler
Assess the contributions of ONE significant person (other than Abraham and Moses) to the development and expression of Jewish beliefs and practices.

The prophet Isaiah has had a significant impact on the development and expression of Jewish beliefs and practices both in his time and centuries through the contemporary society. Slight expression issue there, I'd just say, "and for contemporary society," but great start! He was a prophet from Judah who began his ministry in 740 BC during the turbulent period of Assyrian expansion and the subsequent decline of Israel in the north. Known for his long ministry, Isaiah achieved the considerable status of ‘the prince of the prophets’ through his many significant contributions to the development and expression of Jewish beliefs and practices. Perhaps a tad too much biographical information - But this is a nitpick. You could get straight into the contributions. Some of which are his oracles of the messiah, his warnings about punishment and salvation, his role as a political leader, and his passionate advocacy for social justice. Nice lay out of contributions - I'd expect you to elaborate on their meaning for the adherent in each paragraph. Thus, it can be seen his contributions were undeniably significant to the development and expression of Jewish beliefs and practices.  Good!

I think this is a solid intro! Clear judgement made and a nice structure lay out. You could do more to link the contributions to the beliefs/practices more explicitly in the introduction to more completely answer the question ;D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: 12070 on June 11, 2017, 07:37:55 pm
Hey so I finally finished my essay and I'm a fair bit over the world limit. I was wondering if you could tell me if anything is irrelevant or repetitive. Also, I really want 20/20 so please be harsh because our cohort is really strong. Also the scaffold asks for variants which I'm unsure as to how to incorporate them. Is putting the Catholic example enough? Thanks in advance :)

Spoiler
The attainment of world peace demands religious traditions to coincide in the confrontation of hostility in order to achieve a global state of solidarity. World Peace requires a unified sense of wellbeing and freedom from conflict, fear, and injustice. However, world peace can only be achieved if an individual acquires inner peace; relating to the individual’s tranquillity and their connection with God. These notions are reflected throughout the Bhagavad Gita and the New Testament of the Bible as they reiterate the importance of solidarity and foster the adherent in connecting to their beliefs leading to an inner peace which inevitably evokes the entrenchment of world peace. 

Principal teachings by Jesus Christ in the New Testament are imperative to connecting the Christian adherent to an inner peace and demonstrating how their beliefs transcend into attaining world peace. Peace is at the heart of the life and ministry of Jesus Christ as he is the son of God from whom all peace derived and is said to have acted in perfect righteousness and hence is commonly referred to as the ‘Prince of Peace’ (Isaiah 9:6). As Jesus models a life for peace, he is subsequently what adherents strive to emulate. Jesus constantly endeavoured to promote solidarity and foster greater tolerance reflected in ‘For Christ Jesus is our peace, who has made us both one, and has broken down the dividing wall of hostility.’ (Ephesians 2:14) It is thus evident that peace is a gift from God which guides adherents to obtain inner peace through God before dispersing peace to the broader community. This is demonstrated by the director of ‘TEAR Australia’ stating ‘I find my motivation for peacebuilding in the teachings of Jesus’ reflecting that solidarity and world peace primarily require an individual’s inner peace. The notion of peace is further emphasised in the Catholic Church at the ending of Mass when the Priest calls the community to go out in peace illustrating that peace is continuously being put into action today. Thus it is evident in the New Testament that Jesus’ teachings on love, compassion, and acceptance guide adherents to a sense of inner peace which acts as a catalyst for solidarity as the prosperity of peace is enabled to flourish throughout the world.

Christian adherents are presented with numerous opportunities to get involved in a vast array of peacemaking initiatives in order to actively express their principal beliefs and values evident in the New Testament. A significant focus for many ecumenical groups is on global peace and to achieve this, they focus on values expressed in the New Testament such as justice, gratitude, forgiveness and humility. Jesus’ Golden Rule; ‘Do unto others as you would have them do to you’ (Luke 6:31) reflects this notion as adherents are encouraged to act purely and in justice reflecting that of Jesus. Initiatives such as the Catholic Charismatic Renewal (CCR) emphasises ecumenism as it aims to ‘bring God’s love and grace to all.’ This is reflected by Pope Francis speaking at the Circus Maximus stating “It (CCR) was born ecumenical because it is the Holy Spirit that creates unity and the same Holy Spirit that gave the inspiration for it to be thus.” Pope Francis also encouraged individuals to appreciate the common humanity we share in the “One Minute for Peace” initiative held on the 8th of June 2017 stating “In our days, there is a great need to pray – Christians, Jews, and Muslims – for peace.” Past popes have similarly advocated for world peace such as Pope John XXIII in his Pacem in Terris (Peace in the World) encyclical. This has led to the world day of peace on the 1st of January where the Pope publishes a message to Christian adherents and political and religious leaders about opportunities for individuals to promote solidarity and bring about peace. Thus it is clear how organisations and initiatives primarily express the importance of solidarity in fostering individuals and communities towards world peace.

The basis of Hindu interpretation and teachings of peace lie in the Hindu sacred text The Bhagavad Gita. Individuals are instructed to live peaceful, tolerant lives that reflect the teachings of Hindu avatars and gods such as Lord Krishna. A key belief in the Hindu application of peace is dharma which is firmly entrenched in ahimsa including the qualities of compassion, acceptance and tolerance. Adherents that actively apply this concept to their everyday life not only foster a sense of inner peace but also attiain a genuine sense of harmony and peace within their community. Participating in activities such as yoga and meditation ‘…controls the mind and the senses, purifying the heart and fixes the mind (on God)’ (Bhagavad Gita 6:12) which allows adherents to attain a sense of inner peace which can be translated into spreading peace throughout the community. Mohandas Gandhi further explains this as “Ahimsa… comes from strength, and the strength is from God, not man. Ahimsa is always from within.”  This guidance has been followed by the ‘Dr Yogi CM’ organisation which supports ‘Yoga /Meditation and Satsang programs.’ Dr Yogi ‘developed a program giving spiritual guidance and values… to the community’ with the aim of ‘love, peace and service to humankind.’ Thus it clear how teachings of Hinduism in the Bhagavad Gita induce adherents to put their faith into action and practice their religious duty of Dharma throughout the pursuit for world peace.

Organisations and initiatives within Hinduism play a significant role in reiterating the teachings in the Bhagavad Gita in an attempt to confront hostility and promote solidarity. In Hinduism, peace is not only important within oneself, but it is highly important to act peacefully toward others. A key Hindu belief is that of Karma whereby adherents constantly strive towards a permanent state of peace known as Moksha. The Bhagavad Gita states, ‘the way of peace is achieved through discipline’ which ties into the teaching of Ahimsa and correct Dharma. As actions towards others can determine the outcome of future rebirths, adherents must observe these core teachings to ensure they can achieve complete peace. The Hindu Council of Australia aims to guide adherents by this notion with a mission of ‘spiritual and religious leaders committed to mutual respect, peace, nonviolence and cooperation between…ethnic, racial, cultural and religious communities.’ Gandhi additionally brought the ancient concept of ahimsa back into his society as he reiterated that ‘Nonviolence is the greatest force at the disposal of mankind. It is mightier than the mightiest weapon of destruction devised by the ingenuity of man.’ Hence, Gandhi campaigned against untouchability, and through his confrontations with the hostility of hypocritical Hindus, challenged adherents to behave in a manner that was congruent with Hindu belief. This guidance is continually applicable today evident on the International Day of Non-violence on the 2nd of October (Gandhi’s birthday) whereby adherents put into action the teachings of Gandhi as they endeavour in promoting solidarity by acting in ahimsa. Thus it is clear how the teachings throughout the Bhagavad Gita have been reiterated by influential scholars and organisations which allow adherents to express their beliefs such as ahimsa throughout communities; therefore, contributing to world peace.

The principal teachings about peace in both the sacred texts of Christianity and Hinduism have a profound effect on the ways and extent to which these traditions guide adherents to contribute to world peace. The teachings of these religious traditions have distinct ideas and ways in which to promote solidarity and tolerance; however, both religious traditions attempt to pursue the immense potential that harmony within religious traditions can achieve through their respective initiatives and organisations, and the continuing effects of key scholars in fostering genuine world peace.

Just in case you can't get it done today which I would completely understand; don't worry about marking it because it is due tomorrow and I don't want you to spend your valuable time marking something for no reason. Not trying to be pushy; just would hate for you to spend 30-40 minutes on marking for no avail.

Mod; added spoiler and merged posts

Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: camillablome on June 12, 2017, 03:32:13 pm
Hi Guys!
I know its not an essay but this is a short answer response to the question 'outline the role of the ecumenical dialogue in Australia. Include National Council of Churches and/or NSW ecumenical council'. Any feedback would be great- I'm worried i haven't focused enough on the impact...
Thankyou so much!

Ecumenism is the movement towards unity amongst the Christian denominations. It has had a significant impact on the development of Christianity and its role within the broader Australian society. The Second Vatican Council decree on ecumenism states, “The restoration of unity among all Christians is one of the principle concern of the Second Vatican Council.” Under the guidance of Pope John XXIII there was a principle focus on dialogue and mutual understanding between the different Christian denominations, in the hope to move away from secularism. Ecumenism exists on various levels from joint commissions to local parish levels. The emergence of the National Council of Churches in Australia (NCCA) and the NSW Ecumenical Council were significant steps towards the acknowledgement that the unity of Christ between Christian churches far outweighs their diversity in practice and beliefs. The NCCA is an ecumenical body established in 1994 and is comprised of 19 church members across Australia including the Roman Catholic Church and the Anglican Church. It aims to deepen the relationship of member churches "in order to express more visibly the unity willed by Christ” by working together in areas of social justice, education and theological, spiritual and political lobbying. An example of the NCCA guiding the churches to work together is the NCCA’s “Christian World Services” which is responsible for international programs such as “Make Poverty History” and the “National Program on Refugees and Displaced people.” The NSW Ecumenical Council was established in 1982 and is a fellowship of 16 churches that identifies that working together enables member churches to express common concerns on important issues in our society. The unification of the Christian church denominations to collectively advocate and support social justice initiatives has impacted significantly on the Christian landscape as well as the broader community.
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 12, 2017, 07:02:40 pm
Hey so I finally finished my essay and I'm a fair bit over the world limit. I was wondering if you could tell me if anything is irrelevant or repetitive. Also, I really want 20/20 so please be harsh because our cohort is really strong. Also the scaffold asks for variants which I'm unsure as to how to incorporate them. Is putting the Catholic example enough? Thanks in advance :)

Hey! Thanks for letting me know about the due date for this, I've marked it now for you :) You haven't attached the essay question so I'm assuming it's about Christianity and Hinduism and Peace - specifically the way inner and world peace work together?

Spoiler
The attainment of world peace demands religious traditions to coincide in the confrontation of hostility in order to achieve a global state of solidarity. World Peace requires a unified sense of wellbeing and freedom from conflict, fear, and injustice. However, world peace can only be achieved if an individual acquires inner peace; relating to the individual’s tranquillity and their connection with God. These notions are reflected throughout the Bhagavad Gita and the New Testament of the Bible as they reiterate the importance of solidarity and foster the adherent in connecting to their beliefs leading to an inner peace which inevitably evokes the entrenchment of world peace. 

Principal teachings by Jesus Christ in the New Testament are imperative to connecting the Christian adherent to an inner peace and demonstrating how their beliefs transcend into attaining world peace. Peace is at the heart of the life and ministry of Jesus Christ as he is the son of God from whom all peace derived and is said to have acted in perfect righteousness and hence is commonly referred to as the ‘Prince of Peace’ (Isaiah 9:6). Great quote - although this sentence in total is quite long and descriptive. The reference at the end makes it worth it, but I still think you could cull from this sentence. As Jesus models a life for peace, he is subsequently what adherents strive to emulate. Jesus constantly endeavoured to promote solidarity and foster greater tolerance reflected in ‘For Christ Jesus is our peace, who has made us both one, and has broken down the dividing wall of hostility.’ (Ephesians 2:14) It is thus evident that peace is a gift from God which guides adherents to obtain inner peace through God before dispersing peace to the broader community. Great analysis. This is demonstrated by the director of ‘TEAR Australia’ stating ‘I find my motivation for peacebuilding in the teachings of Jesus’ reflecting that solidarity and world peace primarily require an individual’s inner peace. The notion of peace is further emphasised in the Catholic Church at the ending of Mass when the Priest calls the community to go out in peace illustrating that peace is continuously being put into action today. Very nice! Good use of practical example, but also good engagement with denominations. Thus it is evident in the New Testament that Jesus’ teachings on love, compassion, and acceptance guide adherents to a sense of inner peace which acts as a catalyst for solidarity as the prosperity of peace is enabled to flourish throughout the world. You mention the "principal teachings" of peace in Christianity at the start of this paragraph, but you haven't explicitly talked about them. Instead, you've talked about the way Christianity promotes peace as Jesus is a role model, which is great, we need that. Jesus' ministry is really important when discussing Christianity and Peace. But, I think there are other "principal teachings" - like that about social justice, that you could include.

Christian adherents are presented with numerous opportunities to get involved in a vast array of peacemaking initiatives in order to actively express their principal beliefs and values evident in the New Testament. A significant focus for many ecumenical groups is on global peace and to achieve this, they focus on values expressed in the New Testament such as justice, gratitude, forgiveness and humility. Jesus’ Golden Rule; ‘Do unto others as you would have them do to you’ (Luke 6:31) reflects this notion as adherents are encouraged to act purely and in justice reflecting that of Jesus. Initiatives such as the Catholic Charismatic Renewal (CCR) emphasises ecumenism as it aims to ‘bring God’s love and grace to all.’ This is reflected by Pope Francis speaking at the Circus Maximus stating “It (CCR) was born ecumenical because it is the Holy Spirit that creates unity and the same Holy Spirit that gave the inspiration for it to be thus.” Pope Francis also encouraged individuals to appreciate the common humanity we share in the “One Minute for Peace” initiative held on the 8th of June 2017 stating “In our days, there is a great need to pray – Christians, Jews, and Muslims – for peace.” Past popes have similarly advocated for world peace such as Pope John XXIII in his Pacem in Terris (Peace in the World) encyclical. This has led to the world day of peace on the 1st of January where the Pope publishes a message to Christian adherents and political and religious leaders about opportunities for individuals to promote solidarity and bring about peace. Thus it is clear how organisations and initiatives primarily express the importance of solidarity in fostering individuals and communities towards world peace. This is an extremely dense paragraph, which is great because it's backed up, there's not a lot of waffling, etc. Unfortunately without knowing your essay question I can't comment on how skilfully you're dealing with the question. I will also add as an observation that this is the second paragraph where you've engaged with Catholicism, and not any other denomination. Depending on what your criteria expects of you, this could be a problem. It's not so much that you're focusing on Catholicism as the problem, it's more the lack of engagement with other essays. You say you have a strong cohort, and I imagine the strongest responses would be showing a confidence in dealing with at least two denominations and their individual takes on it - so that's a space for improvement for you! :)
(I'll just add here that I haven't studied Hinduism, but hopefully I can be helpful still!)
The basis of Hindu interpretation and teachings of peace lie in the Hindu sacred text The Bhagavad Gita. Individuals are instructed to live peaceful, tolerant lives that reflect the teachings of Hindu avatars and gods such as Lord Krishna. A key belief in the Hindu application of peace is dharma which is firmly entrenched in ahimsa including the qualities of compassion, acceptance and tolerance. Adherents that actively apply this concept to their everyday life not only foster a sense of inner peace but also attiain a genuine sense of harmony and peace within their community. Participating in activities such as yoga and meditation ‘…controls the mind and the senses, purifying the heart and fixes the mind (on God)’ (Bhagavad Gita 6:12) which allows adherents to attain a sense of inner peace which can be translated into spreading peace throughout the community. Mohandas Gandhi further explains this as “Ahimsa… comes from strength, and the strength is from God, not man. Ahimsa is always from within.”  This guidance has been followed by the ‘Dr Yogi CM’ organisation which supports ‘Yoga /Meditation and Satsang programs.’ Dr Yogi ‘developed a program giving spiritual guidance and values… to the community’ with the aim of ‘love, peace and service to humankind.’ Good proof of the way the teachings of peace have been expressed. Thus it clear how teachings of Hinduism in the Bhagavad Gita induce adherents to put their faith into action and practice their religious duty of Dharma throughout the pursuit for world peace.

Organisations and initiatives within Hinduism play a significant role in reiterating the teachings in the Bhagavad Gita in an attempt to confront hostility and promote solidarity. This is one of the few times you've engaged with the idea "hostility" as brought up in your introduction, in an explicit way. Without knowing your essay question I can't assess how important this is - but in the assumption that it is your thesis, it should feature a little more strongly just to thread that uniform notion through the entire work. In Hinduism, peace is not only important within oneself, but it is highly important to act peacefully toward others. A key Hindu belief is that of Karma whereby adherents constantly strive towards a permanent state of peace known as Moksha. The Bhagavad Gita states, ‘the way of peace is achieved through discipline’ which ties into the teaching of Ahimsa and correct Dharma. As actions towards others can determine the outcome of future rebirths, adherents must observe these core teachings to ensure they can achieve complete peace. The Hindu Council of Australia aims to guide adherents by this notion with a mission of ‘spiritual and religious leaders committed to mutual respect, peace, nonviolence and cooperation between…ethnic, racial, cultural and religious communities.’ Good quote! Gandhi additionally brought the ancient concept of ahimsa back into his society as he reiterated that ‘Nonviolence is the greatest force at the disposal of mankind. It is mightier than the mightiest weapon of destruction devised by the ingenuity of man.’ Hence, Gandhi campaigned against untouchability, and through his confrontations with the hostility of hypocritical Hindus, challenged adherents to behave in a manner that was congruent with Hindu belief. This guidance is continually applicable today evident on the International Day of Non-violence on the 2nd of October (Gandhi’s birthday) whereby adherents put into action the teachings of Gandhi as they endeavour in promoting solidarity by acting in ahimsa. Thus it is clear how the teachings throughout the Bhagavad Gita have been reiterated by influential scholars and organisations which allow adherents to express their beliefs such as ahimsa throughout communities; therefore, contributing to world peace. This paragraph is an excellent example of the way you manage to engage with a structure that is both organised and fluid.
 You really round off your paragraphs well - you write beautifully.


The principal teachings about peace in both the sacred texts of Christianity and Hinduism have a profound effect on the ways and extent to which these traditions guide adherents to contribute to world peace. The teachings of these religious traditions have distinct ideas and ways in which to promote solidarity and tolerance; however, both religious traditions attempt to pursue the immense potential that harmony within religious traditions can achieve through their respective initiatives and organisations, and the continuing effects of key scholars in fostering genuine world peace.
Overall: great essay. Very dense - it's really hard for me to tell you what to cull. It's like everything fits together perfectly, you're a wonderful writer. Everything is well supported. I do wonder about the way you're engaging with a thesis/the essay question, but I can't comment on that. Also, the clarity of the way you express exactly what the principal teachings on ethics are can be improved. It won't take up a whole lot of words - it's just about saying..."Adherents look to the ministry of Jesus when seeking principal teachings of peace...the Pope says...."

All the best - hopefully this gives you a hand to tighten up the essay a little, although I can ensure you I'm impressed by it!

Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 12, 2017, 07:10:21 pm
Hi Guys!
I know its not an essay but this is a short answer response to the question 'outline the role of the ecumenical dialogue in Australia. Include National Council of Churches and/or NSW ecumenical council'. Any feedback would be great- I'm worried i haven't focused enough on the impact...
Thankyou so much!

Hey Camilla - thanks for posting! I'll absolutely take a look at this paragraph for you :)

Ecumenism is the movement towards unity amongst the Christian denominations. It The ecumenical movement* has had a significant impact on the development of Christianity and its role within the broader Australian society. The Second Vatican Council decree on ecumenism states, “The restoration of unity among all Christians is one of the principle concern of the Second Vatican Council.” Under the guidance of Pope John XXIII there was a principle focus on dialogue and mutual understanding between the different Christian denominations, in the hope to move away from secularism. Ecumenism exists on various levels from joint commissions to local parish levels. The emergence of the National Council of Churches in Australia (NCCA) and the NSW Ecumenical Council were significant steps towards the acknowledgement that the unity of Christ between Christian churches far outweighs their diversity in practice and beliefs. The NCCA is an ecumenical body established in 1994 and is comprised of 19 church members across Australia including the Roman Catholic Church and the Anglican Church. It aims to deepen the relationship of member churches "in order to express more visibly the unity willed by Christ” by working together in areas of social justice, education and theological, spiritual and political lobbying. An example of the NCCA guiding the churches to work together is the NCCA’s “Christian World Services” which is responsible for international programs such as “Make Poverty History” and the “National Program on Refugees and Displaced people.” The NSW Ecumenical Council was established in 1982 and is a fellowship of 16 churches that identifies that working together enables member churches to express common concerns on important issues in our society. The unification of the Christian church denominations to collectively advocate and support social justice initiatives has impacted significantly on the Christian landscape as well as the broader community.
I think you're right in identifying the way you've dealt with "the role" can use a little bit of work. You've got everything you need to know in place, it's just about the expression and being succinct with exactly what information you need to share. For example, you talk about the international programs which is great evidence, but you've not made comment on the significance of these programs, thus mitigating the argument a little. You are only asked to outline,
 so there's leeway. But at the present time, your examples of the programs don't show much - they just say they exist. Are you saying, "this is the great work that comes about with ecumenism?" or are you saying, "These are ecumenical programs?" There are a few things you could cull, like the bio of the NCCA - that can be briefer.

This is what I would include in my paragraph:

-The need for ecumenism in this time
-The responsibility of the Churches to work together, as has been officially organised by NCCA.
-The way the Australian landscape specifically needs ecumenism.
As a bonus: potentially talk about the examples of great international programs they've created.

Hopefully this gives you a hand! It's just about tightening up your response a little more. Everything you need to know is there, it's just about expression :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: 12070 on June 12, 2017, 08:14:18 pm
Quote
All the best - hopefully this gives you a hand to tighten up the essay a little, although I can ensure you I'm impressed by it![/b]


Hey Elyse, thanks heaps for this. Really appreciate you doing such a thorough job in a short amount of time. I am so sorry that I forgot to mention that this was a follow up from the essay ('Outline how peace is expressed through the sacred texts of TWO religious traditions and demonstrate how this provides guidance for the attainment of world peace.') that had the quote you said was really appropriate and relevant. It was in the SOR question thread. I think I will incorporate the catholic example into the second paragraph and focus more on Anglican in the first to hopefully compete at the top. Thanks for all the confidence building comments as it really encourages me to go back and improve my essay. Thanks again :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 12, 2017, 09:24:39 pm
Hey Elyse, thanks heaps for this. Really appreciate you doing such a thorough job in a short amount of time. I am so sorry that I forgot to mention that this was a follow up from the essay ('Outline how peace is expressed through the sacred texts of TWO religious traditions and demonstrate how this provides guidance for the attainment of world peace.') that had the quote you said was really appropriate and relevant. It was in the SOR question thread. I think I will incorporate the catholic example into the second paragraph and focus more on Anglican in the first to hopefully compete at the top. Thanks for all the confidence building comments as it really encourages me to go back and improve my essay. Thanks again :)


Ohh! Sorry I didn't make the connection. Well in that case I think you've done a better job of answering the question than what I first anticipated. I'm keen to know how you go. I didn't study SOR2 myself so I haven't written a response like this, but I've read a lot now so I'm still learning too. Hopefully this was handy! :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: 12070 on June 12, 2017, 10:59:48 pm
Ohh! Sorry I didn't make the connection. Well in that case I think you've done a better job of answering the question than what I first anticipated. I'm keen to know how you go. I didn't study SOR2 myself so I haven't written a response like this, but I've read a lot now so I'm still learning too. Hopefully this was handy! :)

I spent the last two hours making more explicit references and adding variants to each paragraph. I'll let you know for sure, and your help has undoubtedly improved my essay. Jamon took me from a 13 to a 19/20 so I have realised the effectiveness and importance of your feedback. Could only wish we got feedback like yours at school. Thanks again :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: camillablome on June 13, 2017, 09:19:50 am
Thankyou so much Elyse! I'll make those changes now. Here is another response to 'Outline the importance of Mabo for the Land Rights movement.' If you have time, i would love for you to read through this one as well!

The land rights movement recognises the inextricable connection between land and Indigenous spirituality and identity. The land is the basis for the strong connection held with the ancestral beings providing them with links to the Dreaming as well as kinship bonds and totems. Without the land Aboriginal people are unable to stay connected to their ancestors through ceremonies and also cannot preserve and celebrate sacred sites. As stated by Nyaparu Rose, a Nyangumarta Elder, “Native title is very important to us because it allows us to get our country back, to protect our spirits and sites, to go camping, hunting and fishing. Before native title we never had any recognition as traditional owners, we had no rights in our own country.” Indigenous Australians have struggled with the land rights battle since European invasion in 1788. The Land Rights Movement is both a religious and political movement to secure the rights and re-establish the spiritual links of Aboriginal people to their land and culture. From the 1960s onwards, many tribes attempted to reclaim their land to be able to reconnect with their spirituality. The Mabo case was initiated by five Indigenous plaintiffs, led by Eddie Mabo, from the Murray Islands in the Torres Strait, where the Meriam people were fighting for land rights. In June 1992, the High Court of Australia, ruled in favour of Eddie Mabo, stating that the Aboriginal and Torres Strait had a continuous link with the land and continued to practice laws and the customs associated with the land before British colonisation. This was immensely important as it over threw the legal fiction of ‘terra nullius’, through the acknowledgement that there was an error in common law that failed to recognise native title. Despite the Mabo judgement being regarded as a landmarking decision by non-Indigenous Australians, the Aboriginal perspective can differ as the case merely represents a marginal shift in the way Australian law views native title. Regardless of the perspective taken, the Mabo judgment did achieve some measure of justice for Aboriginal people. It opened the way for them to make claims in respect of their traditional lands. It set precedent for the Native Title Act 1993, the Wik Decision in 1996 and for the ongoing land rights movement.
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: mattmorley on June 13, 2017, 03:44:17 pm
Hey,

I was going to post my religion and peace essay here, but we have to submit through turnitin, so  i think my whole essay will come up 100% plagarism due to it being here.

Is there anyway i could get it marked by you guys without having the issue stated above.
Thanks
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on June 13, 2017, 06:18:32 pm
Hey,

I was going to post my religion and peace essay here, but we have to submit through turnitin, so  i think my whole essay will come up 100% plagarism due to it being here.

Is there anyway i could get it marked by you guys without having the issue stated above.
Thanks

Hey! Unfortunately we can only mark in this thread - The essay is posted with your account, linked to your name, email and school - It is your essay and that is easy to prove!! :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on June 16, 2017, 12:23:33 am
Thankyou so much Elyse! I'll make those changes now. Here is another response to 'Outline the importance of Mabo for the Land Rights movement.' If you have time, i would love for you to read through this one as well!


The land rights movement recognises the inextricable connection between land and Indigenous spirituality and identity. Great start! But capitalise LRM The land is the basis for the strong connection held with the ancestral beings providing them with links to the Dreaming as well as kinship bonds and totems. Without the land Aboriginal people are unable to stay connected to their ancestors through ceremonies and also cannot preserve and celebrate sacred sites. As stated by Nyaparu Rose, a Nyangumarta Elder, “Native title is very important to us because it allows us to get our country back, to protect our spirits and sites, to go camping, hunting and fishing. Before native title we never had any recognition as traditional owners, we had no rights in our own country.” I haven't seen a long-form quote like this in a short answer for SOR before. Sometimes if there is a stimulus it's engaged, but overall it's not something I see often. In this case, I think it might be a little too long for a short answer response, just because it kind of steals the show. I'd just use an ellipsis somewhere in there to condense it to something shorter. Indigenous Australians have struggled with the land rights battle since European invasion in 1788. Although true, it doesn't add anything to your argument, it won't get you marks because it doesn't analyse the importance.[/b] The Land Rights Movement is both a religious and political movement to secure the rights and re-establish the spiritual links of Aboriginal people to their land and culture. From the 1960s onwards, many tribes attempted to reclaim their land to be able to reconnect with their spirituality. The Mabo case was initiated by five Indigenous plaintiffs, led by Eddie Mabo, from the Murray Islands in the Torres Strait, where the Meriam people were fighting for land rights. In June 1992, the High Court of Australia, ruled in favour of Eddie Mabo, stating that the Aboriginal and Torres Strait had a continuous link with the land and continued to practice laws and the customs associated with the land before British colonisation. Similarly, this bit here is retell and while it's excellent knowledge for your study notes, it isn't analysing the importance. So I'd cull it   This was immensely important as it over threw the legal fiction of ‘terra nullius’, through the acknowledgement that there was an error in common law that failed to recognise native title. Despite the Mabo judgement being regarded as a landmarking decision by non-Indigenous Australians, the Aboriginal perspective can differ as the case merely represents a marginal shift in the way Australian law views native title. Regardless of the perspective taken, the Mabo judgment did achieve some measure of justice for Aboriginal people. It opened the way for them to make claims in respect of their traditional lands. It set precedent for the Native Title Act 1993, the Wik Decision in 1996 and for the ongoing land rights movement.

You definitely have this topic down pat! Really, you're all over it! But this response is a tad too long because you engage with things outside of the "importance" of the movement. I know that understanding the context proves the importance, but your teacher already knows the context - they just need to know that you know the importance! Hope this makes sense :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: 12070 on June 29, 2017, 05:00:09 pm
I'm keen to know how you go. I didn't study SOR2 myself so I haven't written a response like this, but I've read a lot now so I'm still learning too. Hopefully this was handy! :)

Hey, so we got our essays back today and I got 18/20 so thanks again for the significant help in getting me there. However, my teacher wrote that it would have been a 20 if I integrated the quote. We only got them back as were leaving so I couldn't question the absurdity of that as my essay has clear references throughout. I'm extremely confused and the only reasonable explanation I have construed is that I didn't explicitly state 'reflected in the quote' but to me, that sounds superfluous and verbose.
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: georgiia on June 30, 2017, 06:45:43 pm
Hi, may I please have my essay in response to the 2013 HSC question marked?
I've attached it bellow.

Thank You!! ;)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 04, 2017, 10:06:46 pm
Hi, may I please have my essay in response to the 2013 HSC question marked?
I've attached it bellow.

Thank You!! ;)

Hey Georgia! Sure thing, your essay is attached in the spoiler below:

Essay with Feedback
Discuss the relationship between at least TWO of the aspects shown in the diagram and the way they contribute to Islam as a living religious tradition.

Despite the dichotomous relationship within aspects of the Islamic faith, a ubiquitous sense of unity is maintained through the strong interrelationships which are common in all areas of this living and dynamic religious tradition. Great start, but perhaps a little bit vague - Perhaps listing the key aspects you are referring to would help? Nitpick, it works well! ‘Dynamic’ tradition refers to the suitability and adaptability of the Islamic faith, while strong foundations of fundamental beliefs are maintained. ‘Living’ refers to the notion that Islamic tradition is active and relevant over ever-changing contexts. Nice way to spin the definitions to answer the question. The impact of Sayyid Qutb, the significance of the Hajj, and Islamic ethical teachings on sexual ethics all embody the core, fundamental beliefs of Islam while also allowing room for diversity and freedom of view within the life of adherents. Such unity and diversity in terms of significant person, practice and ethics of Islam fosters the nature of a dynamic and living religious tradition. Excellent, I think this introduction works very well, and is also unique - Will definitely command the attention of your marker.

The central dogma of the living Islamic theocentric tradition, one which binds aspects of people, practise and ethics, is the intrinsic belief in Tawhid (the oneness of Allah); “There is no God but Allah and Muhammad is the messenger of Allah” (Shahada). This unification of thought has enabled a profound sense of community which reaches beyond the walls of variants and as John Bowker expressed in his 1995 publication ‘What Muslims Believe’ - “From that unity (Tawhid), all other unites flow, including the unity of the whole human population as a single Umma under God”. Excellent explanation of the importance of Tawhid, but I'd prefer a more explicit reference to dynamic/living tradition, to more directly answer the question a little bit earlier. Essentially, I think the setup could be quicker. It is this very belief which enables the unification of Hajj [sunni and shi’te within the significant practice of Hajj, Sayyid Qutb’s impact on Islam, and Islamic ethical teachings on sexual ethics to constitute Islam as a living religious tradition. The practise of Hajj is built on the notion of expressing the belief in Tawhid. The pilgrimage symbolises a submission to the Will of Allah through which the individual feels a innate connection with God. Talbiyah, the public statement of submission to Allah; “Here I am God, at thy command”, is chanted as pilgrims put on the Ihram and purifying rid themselves of all worldly concerns, and when they circumambulate the Ka’ba (Tawaf). Be sure to make explicit references to the religion being dynamic/living, not necessarily with those words specifically, but be sure to link the aspects not only to Tawhid, but to the idea of the question too. Qutb’s ideologies, that rejection of Jahilia could only come through ultimate submission to one God, further model the belief in Tawhid. In his published manifesto ‘Milestones’ (1964), Qutb accounted for Allah as the sovereign ruler of humanity; “By ignoring God’s revelation, man rebels against the sovereignty of God on earth” (p.g 8). Excellent references. Islamic ethical teachings are grounded on the strict laws defined in the Qur’an; the primary source of Allah’s revelation. Sexual intercourse within the bounds of matrimony is considered a form of ibadah (worship) and enjoyment is encouraged by Allah. Furthering this belief in Tawhid is the teaching of procreation for the expansion of Allah’s family. Links to Tawhid here are perhaps a little weaker than your other two aspects. Both Sunni and Shi’ite muslims are strongly united by this belief, and in exhibiting such ethical standards, all variants of Islam profess their belief in the oneness and greatness of Allah. Be sure your conclusion references the question directly.

The overlapping aspects of people, practise and ethics define Islam as a unified living religious tradition. Is this not the whole point of the essay? I expected another paragraph on core beliefs of Islam, that is a structure that works really well. For the pilgrim undertaking the Hajj, there is an acute and overwhelming sense of the diversity of Islam, yet at the same time, an experience of the integration of the Muslim world converging to the Holy city of Mecca; “They will come from the farthest locations” (Quran 22:27). In the same way that Islamic ethical teachings on sexual ethics teach that sexual intercourse is a performance achieves peace and tranquility; “that you may find tranquility… [and] love and mercy between your hearts”(Surah Al-Rum 30:21), the Hajj too is a commemoration of the adherents' love for Allah. Excellent evidence provided here, you've clearly got a heap of knowledge at your disposal and it shows. Very impressive. Furthermore, Hajj exhibits the belief in Rasulullah (prophets) as pilgrims retrace the footsteps or Abraham, Muhammad and Ishmael. Islamic ethical teachings mirror Rasulullah with Hadith - the Sunnah of the Prophet - being one of the four main sources of islamic jurisprudence. The Qur’an explicitly expresses that non-Muslims are prohibited from entering the Holy city of Mecca; “indeed the polytheists are unclean, so let them not approach al-Masjid al-Haram” (Qur'an 9:28). This is mirrored in Qutb’s salafist philosophy of the need to return to the roots of Islam and not tempted by false Gods such as Western capitalist and consumer-driven civilisation. It feels like we are jumping around a little bit in this paragraph - I'm not getting a sense of one, coherent argument, one idea that links the three. Tawhid unified your previous paragraph, this one feels more jumbled. “The West has disregarded morality in its quest for material progress.” (Social Justice in Islam 1949). Likewise, Sayyid Qutb’s belief in social justice is embodied in all stages of the rite of Hajj. Despite diversity in discourse, ethnicity, nationality and on socio-economic grounds, the pilgrimage is strictly non-discriminatory as adherents are unified through their common recognition of the importance of Hajj and the physical and mental demands it entails. Those unable to afford the practise of Hajj for health or monetary reasons are encouraged to support or be supported by those who are able, reflected in Qutb’s thought on social justice. The state Ihram and the day of Arafat demonstrate both Tahwid and Akhira (rehearsal of the Day of Judgement) allows adherents to develop an acute sense of social equity and equality among human beings. Again, love that you are referencing beliefs, but it feels very isolated, because the beliefs aren't threaded through? In affirming a common identity through the completion of identical rituals, stripped of worldly possessions and rich indistinguishable from the poor, equality before God is emphasised. Furthermore, the unification of the Islamic variants is evident with the simultaneous performance of identical rituals and the identical motivations of declaring their deep adherence to, and belief in, the oneness of Allah. According to Qutb, a rejection of Jahiiliyya (pagan ignorance of divine guidance), promotes equality within the Umma, similar to that provided by the state of Ihram where no man is superior to his neighbour; “People are all as equal as the teeth of a comb” (Muhammad). The overlapping aspects of people, practise and ethics as discussed above, emphasise the unification of the Islamic faith as an active religious tradition. Sentence by sentence, excellent paragraph. Holistically though, it feels a little disjointed. I understand the idea you are using to link them, that the variants of the faith are unified, but it doesn't feel that distinct to the argument of the whole essay itself. This is just my opinion, obviously - As I said, each thing you say is excellent.

The diversity as evident within the aspects of people, practise and ethics define Islam as a living religious tradition, in that they allow for this faith to be active and relevant over ever-changing contexts. Along with the Qur’an and the Hadith, Sunni Muslims turn to Qiyas and Ijams as sources of Islamic Jurisprudence, wheres Shi’ite Muslims use the Ayatollah. In Sunni Islam, ijtihad comprises analogy, scholarly consensus, public welfare and custom. In Shi'a Islam, ijtihad consists entirely of reason. Be careful you don't swap to content vomit - Content in isolation doesn't do much for your argument! In turning to alternative sources for Islamic jurisprudence, this enable the interpretation of Ethics to accommodate a contemporary context. As the controversial issue of contraception is not discerned by Allah’s revelation through the Qur’an, adherents turn to scholarly consensus in the form of Ijmas. The general consensus today is that contraception is permissible, but may not be used to permanently avoid pregnancy and limited to the bounds of matrimony. “And do not kill your children fearing poverty” (Qur’an 6:151). This is because the beliefs in withholding from procreation due to economic reasons undermines trust in Allah promise that every child will be looked after - “We provide sustenance for you and for them” (Qur’an 6:151). Both Sunni and Shi’ite Muslims are united in this consensus. In a paragraph on diversity, is this the best example of an ethical issue to bring up? Bringing up something where the Sunni and Shi'ite approaches differ would do more for your argument. Moreover, Qutb’s interpretation of jihad (to strive in the cause of God) further exemplifies Islam as a dynamic tradition accommodating diversity of expression. His Qur’anic commentary ‘In the Shade of the Qur’an’ (1952) provides an alternative approach towards a struggle in the cause of God, albeit one with negative ramifications. His work combined his salafist interpretation and his radical socio-political ideology in a manner that to some, was misinterpreted as a justification of militancy; “Those who believe, fight in the cause of Allah” (Qur’an 4:76). Schisms and tensions within the variants of Islam continue to develop as adherents struggle to agree on a suitable way to combat Jahiliyya, and live in accordance to the will of Allah. Good discussion of more contemporary issues of the faith, works well. Afghanistan, Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia and many other Muslim-majority countries are governed by Sharia law, whereas secular nation states such as Australia are codified by a constitution. While some Sharia laws may be different to Australian law, this does not mean they are incompatible. A muslim is able to live by Sharia law in a secular state as long as the law does not undermine domestic law. The muslim adherent is governed by Sharia law in the way that they profess the oneness of Allah in their every-day life. This illustrates the ability of Islam, as a dynamic living religious tradition, to accomodate diversity for adherents to sustain relevance over ever-changing contexts. Another solid paragraph, though this one feels more like a content dump than answering the question of dynamic/living. Your incredible content knowledge could actually be the issue here, as you are delving into such specifics that the explanation of them is taking up space!

The impact of Sayyid Qutb, the significance of the rite of Hajj, and Islamic ethical teachings on sexual ethics profoundly contribute to Islam as a living religious tradition. While at a surface glance they may be regarded as distinct from one another, through the fundamental belief in Tawhid and the many aspects of overlap in people, practice and ethics, it becomes evident that these three entities are interrelated. In conclusion, it is the areas of diversity which determine the status of ‘living’ and ‘dynamic’ to be attributed to the Islamic tradition.

My thoughts on this essay are varied Georgia, but let me start by saying it is wonderfully written. Your content knowledge is incredible, mind blowing - At no second did I doubt your understanding of the faith. It is in answering the question that I'm a little less sure - First paragraph was excellent, it felt cohesive, a few more obvious links to the question would have been excellent. The second was less cohesive, it felt like a mash of different bits of content, mostly because unity is such a large concept. The third delved into such specific aspects of the faith, it felt more like a content dump rather than cleverly chosen examples to address the question.

I'll let my comments throughout do most of the explanation, and if you need any clarification on my notes do let me know! No doubt in my mind you are able to produce a Band 6 essay. I'm not 100% sure whether this one quite gets there (if it doesn't it is bloody close), but in reading this I know you are capable of a 20/20 response, easily ;D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: georgiia on July 08, 2017, 03:53:10 pm
Hey Georgia! Sure thing, your essay is attached in the spoiler b
Hey Georgia! Sure thing, your essay is attached in the spoiler below:

Essay with Feedback
Discuss the relationship between at least TWO of the aspects shown in the diagram and the way they contribute to Islam as a living religious tradition.

Despite the dichotomous relationship within aspects of the Islamic faith, a ubiquitous sense of unity is maintained through the strong interrelationships which are common in all areas of this living and dynamic religious tradition. Great start, but perhaps a little bit vague - Perhaps listing the key aspects you are referring to would help? Nitpick, it works well! ‘Dynamic’ tradition refers to the suitability and adaptability of the Islamic faith, while strong foundations of fundamental beliefs are maintained. ‘Living’ refers to the notion that Islamic tradition is active and relevant over ever-changing contexts. Nice way to spin the definitions to answer the question. The impact of Sayyid Qutb, the significance of the Hajj, and Islamic ethical teachings on sexual ethics all embody the core, fundamental beliefs of Islam while also allowing room for diversity and freedom of view within the life of adherents. Such unity and diversity in terms of significant person, practice and ethics of Islam fosters the nature of a dynamic and living religious tradition. Excellent, I think this introduction works very well, and is also unique - Will definitely command the attention of your marker.

The central dogma of the living Islamic theocentric tradition, one which binds aspects of people, practise and ethics, is the intrinsic belief in Tawhid (the oneness of Allah); “There is no God but Allah and Muhammad is the messenger of Allah” (Shahada). This unification of thought has enabled a profound sense of community which reaches beyond the walls of variants and as John Bowker expressed in his 1995 publication ‘What Muslims Believe’ - “From that unity (Tawhid), all other unites flow, including the unity of the whole human population as a single Umma under God”. Excellent explanation of the importance of Tawhid, but I'd prefer a more explicit reference to dynamic/living tradition, to more directly answer the question a little bit earlier. Essentially, I think the setup could be quicker. It is this very belief which enables the unification of Hajj [sunni and shi’te within the significant practice of Hajj, Sayyid Qutb’s impact on Islam, and Islamic ethical teachings on sexual ethics to constitute Islam as a living religious tradition. The practise of Hajj is built on the notion of expressing the belief in Tawhid. The pilgrimage symbolises a submission to the Will of Allah through which the individual feels a innate connection with God. Talbiyah, the public statement of submission to Allah; “Here I am God, at thy command”, is chanted as pilgrims put on the Ihram and purifying rid themselves of all worldly concerns, and when they circumambulate the Ka’ba (Tawaf). Be sure to make explicit references to the religion being dynamic/living, not necessarily with those words specifically, but be sure to link the aspects not only to Tawhid, but to the idea of the question too. Qutb’s ideologies, that rejection of Jahilia could only come through ultimate submission to one God, further model the belief in Tawhid. In his published manifesto ‘Milestones’ (1964), Qutb accounted for Allah as the sovereign ruler of humanity; “By ignoring God’s revelation, man rebels against the sovereignty of God on earth” (p.g 8). Excellent references. Islamic ethical teachings are grounded on the strict laws defined in the Qur’an; the primary source of Allah’s revelation. Sexual intercourse within the bounds of matrimony is considered a form of ibadah (worship) and enjoyment is encouraged by Allah. Furthering this belief in Tawhid is the teaching of procreation for the expansion of Allah’s family. Links to Tawhid here are perhaps a little weaker than your other two aspects. Both Sunni and Shi’ite muslims are strongly united by this belief, and in exhibiting such ethical standards, all variants of Islam profess their belief in the oneness and greatness of Allah. Be sure your conclusion references the question directly.

The overlapping aspects of people, practise and ethics define Islam as a unified living religious tradition. Is this not the whole point of the essay? I expected another paragraph on core beliefs of Islam, that is a structure that works really well. For the pilgrim undertaking the Hajj, there is an acute and overwhelming sense of the diversity of Islam, yet at the same time, an experience of the integration of the Muslim world converging to the Holy city of Mecca; “They will come from the farthest locations” (Quran 22:27). In the same way that Islamic ethical teachings on sexual ethics teach that sexual intercourse is a performance achieves peace and tranquility; “that you may find tranquility… [and] love and mercy between your hearts”(Surah Al-Rum 30:21), the Hajj too is a commemoration of the adherents' love for Allah. Excellent evidence provided here, you've clearly got a heap of knowledge at your disposal and it shows. Very impressive. Furthermore, Hajj exhibits the belief in Rasulullah (prophets) as pilgrims retrace the footsteps or Abraham, Muhammad and Ishmael. Islamic ethical teachings mirror Rasulullah with Hadith - the Sunnah of the Prophet - being one of the four main sources of islamic jurisprudence. The Qur’an explicitly expresses that non-Muslims are prohibited from entering the Holy city of Mecca; “indeed the polytheists are unclean, so let them not approach al-Masjid al-Haram” (Qur'an 9:28). This is mirrored in Qutb’s salafist philosophy of the need to return to the roots of Islam and not tempted by false Gods such as Western capitalist and consumer-driven civilisation. It feels like we are jumping around a little bit in this paragraph - I'm not getting a sense of one, coherent argument, one idea that links the three. Tawhid unified your previous paragraph, this one feels more jumbled. “The West has disregarded morality in its quest for material progress.” (Social Justice in Islam 1949). Likewise, Sayyid Qutb’s belief in social justice is embodied in all stages of the rite of Hajj. Despite diversity in discourse, ethnicity, nationality and on socio-economic grounds, the pilgrimage is strictly non-discriminatory as adherents are unified through their common recognition of the importance of Hajj and the physical and mental demands it entails. Those unable to afford the practise of Hajj for health or monetary reasons are encouraged to support or be supported by those who are able, reflected in Qutb’s thought on social justice. The state Ihram and the day of Arafat demonstrate both Tahwid and Akhira (rehearsal of the Day of Judgement) allows adherents to develop an acute sense of social equity and equality among human beings. Again, love that you are referencing beliefs, but it feels very isolated, because the beliefs aren't threaded through? In affirming a common identity through the completion of identical rituals, stripped of worldly possessions and rich indistinguishable from the poor, equality before God is emphasised. Furthermore, the unification of the Islamic variants is evident with the simultaneous performance of identical rituals and the identical motivations of declaring their deep adherence to, and belief in, the oneness of Allah. According to Qutb, a rejection of Jahiiliyya (pagan ignorance of divine guidance), promotes equality within the Umma, similar to that provided by the state of Ihram where no man is superior to his neighbour; “People are all as equal as the teeth of a comb” (Muhammad). The overlapping aspects of people, practise and ethics as discussed above, emphasise the unification of the Islamic faith as an active religious tradition. Sentence by sentence, excellent paragraph. Holistically though, it feels a little disjointed. I understand the idea you are using to link them, that the variants of the faith are unified, but it doesn't feel that distinct to the argument of the whole essay itself. This is just my opinion, obviously - As I said, each thing you say is excellent.

The diversity as evident within the aspects of people, practise and ethics define Islam as a living religious tradition, in that they allow for this faith to be active and relevant over ever-changing contexts. Along with the Qur’an and the Hadith, Sunni Muslims turn to Qiyas and Ijams as sources of Islamic Jurisprudence, wheres Shi’ite Muslims use the Ayatollah. In Sunni Islam, ijtihad comprises analogy, scholarly consensus, public welfare and custom. In Shi'a Islam, ijtihad consists entirely of reason. Be careful you don't swap to content vomit - Content in isolation doesn't do much for your argument! In turning to alternative sources for Islamic jurisprudence, this enable the interpretation of Ethics to accommodate a contemporary context. As the controversial issue of contraception is not discerned by Allah’s revelation through the Qur’an, adherents turn to scholarly consensus in the form of Ijmas. The general consensus today is that contraception is permissible, but may not be used to permanently avoid pregnancy and limited to the bounds of matrimony. “And do not kill your children fearing poverty” (Qur’an 6:151). This is because the beliefs in withholding from procreation due to economic reasons undermines trust in Allah promise that every child will be looked after - “We provide sustenance for you and for them” (Qur’an 6:151). Both Sunni and Shi’ite Muslims are united in this consensus. In a paragraph on diversity, is this the best example of an ethical issue to bring up? Bringing up something where the Sunni and Shi'ite approaches differ would do more for your argument. Moreover, Qutb’s interpretation of jihad (to strive in the cause of God) further exemplifies Islam as a dynamic tradition accommodating diversity of expression. His Qur’anic commentary ‘In the Shade of the Qur’an’ (1952) provides an alternative approach towards a struggle in the cause of God, albeit one with negative ramifications. His work combined his salafist interpretation and his radical socio-political ideology in a manner that to some, was misinterpreted as a justification of militancy; “Those who believe, fight in the cause of Allah” (Qur’an 4:76). Schisms and tensions within the variants of Islam continue to develop as adherents struggle to agree on a suitable way to combat Jahiliyya, and live in accordance to the will of Allah. Good discussion of more contemporary issues of the faith, works well. Afghanistan, Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia and many other Muslim-majority countries are governed by Sharia law, whereas secular nation states such as Australia are codified by a constitution. While some Sharia laws may be different to Australian law, this does not mean they are incompatible. A muslim is able to live by Sharia law in a secular state as long as the law does not undermine domestic law. The muslim adherent is governed by Sharia law in the way that they profess the oneness of Allah in their every-day life. This illustrates the ability of Islam, as a dynamic living religious tradition, to accomodate diversity for adherents to sustain relevance over ever-changing contexts. Another solid paragraph, though this one feels more like a content dump than answering the question of dynamic/living. Your incredible content knowledge could actually be the issue here, as you are delving into such specifics that the explanation of them is taking up space!

The impact of Sayyid Qutb, the significance of the rite of Hajj, and Islamic ethical teachings on sexual ethics profoundly contribute to Islam as a living religious tradition. While at a surface glance they may be regarded as distinct from one another, through the fundamental belief in Tawhid and the many aspects of overlap in people, practice and ethics, it becomes evident that these three entities are interrelated. In conclusion, it is the areas of diversity which determine the status of ‘living’ and ‘dynamic’ to be attributed to the Islamic tradition.

My thoughts on this essay are varied Georgia, but let me start by saying it is wonderfully written. Your content knowledge is incredible, mind blowing - At no second did I doubt your understanding of the faith. It is in answering the question that I'm a little less sure - First paragraph was excellent, it felt cohesive, a few more obvious links to the question would have been excellent. The second was less cohesive, it felt like a mash of different bits of content, mostly because unity is such a large concept. The third delved into such specific aspects of the faith, it felt more like a content dump rather than cleverly chosen examples to address the question.

I'll let my comments throughout do most of the explanation, and if you need any clarification on my notes do let me know! No doubt in my mind you are able to produce a Band 6 essay. I'm not 100% sure whether this one quite gets there (if it doesn't it is bloody close), but in reading this I know you are capable of a 20/20 response, easily ;D
elow:

Essay with Feedback
Discuss the relationship between at least TWO of the aspects shown in the diagram and the way they contribute to Islam as a living religious tradition.

Despite the dichotomous relationship within aspects of the Islamic faith, a ubiquitous sense of unity is maintained through the strong interrelationships which are common in all areas of this living and dynamic religious tradition. Great start, but perhaps a little bit vague - Perhaps listing the key aspects you are referring to would help? Nitpick, it works well! ‘Dynamic’ tradition refers to the suitability and adaptability of the Islamic faith, while strong foundations of fundamental beliefs are maintained. ‘Living’ refers to the notion that Islamic tradition is active and relevant over ever-changing contexts. Nice way to spin the definitions to answer the question. The impact of Sayyid Qutb, the significance of the Hajj, and Islamic ethical teachings on sexual ethics all embody the core, fundamental beliefs of Islam while also allowing room for diversity and freedom of view within the life of adherents. Such unity and diversity in terms of significant person, practice and ethics of Islam fosters the nature of a dynamic and living religious tradition. Excellent, I think this introduction works very well, and is also unique - Will definitely command the attention of your marker.

The central dogma of the living Islamic theocentric tradition, one which binds aspects of people, practise and ethics, is the intrinsic belief in Tawhid (the oneness of Allah); “There is no God but Allah and Muhammad is the messenger of Allah” (Shahada). This unification of thought has enabled a profound sense of community which reaches beyond the walls of variants and as John Bowker expressed in his 1995 publication ‘What Muslims Believe’ - “From that unity (Tawhid), all other unites flow, including the unity of the whole human population as a single Umma under God”. Excellent explanation of the importance of Tawhid, but I'd prefer a more explicit reference to dynamic/living tradition, to more directly answer the question a little bit earlier. Essentially, I think the setup could be quicker. It is this very belief which enables the unification of Hajj [sunni and shi’te within the significant practice of Hajj, Sayyid Qutb’s impact on Islam, and Islamic ethical teachings on sexual ethics to constitute Islam as a living religious tradition. The practise of Hajj is built on the notion of expressing the belief in Tawhid. The pilgrimage symbolises a submission to the Will of Allah through which the individual feels a innate connection with God. Talbiyah, the public statement of submission to Allah; “Here I am God, at thy command”, is chanted as pilgrims put on the Ihram and purifying rid themselves of all worldly concerns, and when they circumambulate the Ka’ba (Tawaf). Be sure to make explicit references to the religion being dynamic/living, not necessarily with those words specifically, but be sure to link the aspects not only to Tawhid, but to the idea of the question too. Qutb’s ideologies, that rejection of Jahilia could only come through ultimate submission to one God, further model the belief in Tawhid. In his published manifesto ‘Milestones’ (1964), Qutb accounted for Allah as the sovereign ruler of humanity; “By ignoring God’s revelation, man rebels against the sovereignty of God on earth” (p.g 8). Excellent references. Islamic ethical teachings are grounded on the strict laws defined in the Qur’an; the primary source of Allah’s revelation. Sexual intercourse within the bounds of matrimony is considered a form of ibadah (worship) and enjoyment is encouraged by Allah. Furthering this belief in Tawhid is the teaching of procreation for the expansion of Allah’s family. Links to Tawhid here are perhaps a little weaker than your other two aspects. Both Sunni and Shi’ite muslims are strongly united by this belief, and in exhibiting such ethical standards, all variants of Islam profess their belief in the oneness and greatness of Allah. Be sure your conclusion references the question directly.

The overlapping aspects of people, practise and ethics define Islam as a unified living religious tradition. Is this not the whole point of the essay? I expected another paragraph on core beliefs of Islam, that is a structure that works really well. For the pilgrim undertaking the Hajj, there is an acute and overwhelming sense of the diversity of Islam, yet at the same time, an experience of the integration of the Muslim world converging to the Holy city of Mecca; “They will come from the farthest locations” (Quran 22:27). In the same way that Islamic ethical teachings on sexual ethics teach that sexual intercourse is a performance achieves peace and tranquility; “that you may find tranquility… [and] love and mercy between your hearts”(Surah Al-Rum 30:21), the Hajj too is a commemoration of the adherents' love for Allah. Excellent evidence provided here, you've clearly got a heap of knowledge at your disposal and it shows. Very impressive. Furthermore, Hajj exhibits the belief in Rasulullah (prophets) as pilgrims retrace the footsteps or Abraham, Muhammad and Ishmael. Islamic ethical teachings mirror Rasulullah with Hadith - the Sunnah of the Prophet - being one of the four main sources of islamic jurisprudence. The Qur’an explicitly expresses that non-Muslims are prohibited from entering the Holy city of Mecca; “indeed the polytheists are unclean, so let them not approach al-Masjid al-Haram” (Qur'an 9:28). This is mirrored in Qutb’s salafist philosophy of the need to return to the roots of Islam and not tempted by false Gods such as Western capitalist and consumer-driven civilisation. It feels like we are jumping around a little bit in this paragraph - I'm not getting a sense of one, coherent argument, one idea that links the three. Tawhid unified your previous paragraph, this one feels more jumbled. “The West has disregarded morality in its quest for material progress.” (Social Justice in Islam 1949). Likewise, Sayyid Qutb’s belief in social justice is embodied in all stages of the rite of Hajj. Despite diversity in discourse, ethnicity, nationality and on socio-economic grounds, the pilgrimage is strictly non-discriminatory as adherents are unified through their common recognition of the importance of Hajj and the physical and mental demands it entails. Those unable to afford the practise of Hajj for health or monetary reasons are encouraged to support or be supported by those who are able, reflected in Qutb’s thought on social justice. The state Ihram and the day of Arafat demonstrate both Tahwid and Akhira (rehearsal of the Day of Judgement) allows adherents to develop an acute sense of social equity and equality among human beings. Again, love that you are referencing beliefs, but it feels very isolated, because the beliefs aren't threaded through? In affirming a common identity through the completion of identical rituals, stripped of worldly possessions and rich indistinguishable from the poor, equality before God is emphasised. Furthermore, the unification of the Islamic variants is evident with the simultaneous performance of identical rituals and the identical motivations of declaring their deep adherence to, and belief in, the oneness of Allah. According to Qutb, a rejection of Jahiiliyya (pagan ignorance of divine guidance), promotes equality within the Umma, similar to that provided by the state of Ihram where no man is superior to his neighbour; “People are all as equal as the teeth of a comb” (Muhammad). The overlapping aspects of people, practise and ethics as discussed above, emphasise the unification of the Islamic faith as an active religious tradition. Sentence by sentence, excellent paragraph. Holistically though, it feels a little disjointed. I understand the idea you are using to link them, that the variants of the faith are unified, but it doesn't feel that distinct to the argument of the whole essay itself. This is just my opinion, obviously - As I said, each thing you say is excellent.

The diversity as evident within the aspects of people, practise and ethics define Islam as a living religious tradition, in that they allow for this faith to be active and relevant over ever-changing contexts. Along with the Qur’an and the Hadith, Sunni Muslims turn to Qiyas and Ijams as sources of Islamic Jurisprudence, wheres Shi’ite Muslims use the Ayatollah. In Sunni Islam, ijtihad comprises analogy, scholarly consensus, public welfare and custom. In Shi'a Islam, ijtihad consists entirely of reason. Be careful you don't swap to content vomit - Content in isolation doesn't do much for your argument! In turning to alternative sources for Islamic jurisprudence, this enable the interpretation of Ethics to accommodate a contemporary context. As the controversial issue of contraception is not discerned by Allah’s revelation through the Qur’an, adherents turn to scholarly consensus in the form of Ijmas. The general consensus today is that contraception is permissible, but may not be used to permanently avoid pregnancy and limited to the bounds of matrimony. “And do not kill your children fearing poverty” (Qur’an 6:151). This is because the beliefs in withholding from procreation due to economic reasons undermines trust in Allah promise that every child will be looked after - “We provide sustenance for you and for them” (Qur’an 6:151). Both Sunni and Shi’ite Muslims are united in this consensus. In a paragraph on diversity, is this the best example of an ethical issue to bring up? Bringing up something where the Sunni and Shi'ite approaches differ would do more for your argument. Moreover, Qutb’s interpretation of jihad (to strive in the cause of God) further exemplifies Islam as a dynamic tradition accommodating diversity of expression. His Qur’anic commentary ‘In the Shade of the Qur’an’ (1952) provides an alternative approach towards a struggle in the cause of God, albeit one with negative ramifications. His work combined his salafist interpretation and his radical socio-political ideology in a manner that to some, was misinterpreted as a justification of militancy; “Those who believe, fight in the cause of Allah” (Qur’an 4:76). Schisms and tensions within the variants of Islam continue to develop as adherents struggle to agree on a suitable way to combat Jahiliyya, and live in accordance to the will of Allah. Good discussion of more contemporary issues of the faith, works well. Afghanistan, Iran, Iraq, Saudi Arabia and many other Muslim-majority countries are governed by Sharia law, whereas secular nation states such as Australia are codified by a constitution. While some Sharia laws may be different to Australian law, this does not mean they are incompatible. A muslim is able to live by Sharia law in a secular state as long as the law does not undermine domestic law. The muslim adherent is governed by Sharia law in the way that they profess the oneness of Allah in their every-day life. This illustrates the ability of Islam, as a dynamic living religious tradition, to accomodate diversity for adherents to sustain relevance over ever-changing contexts. Another solid paragraph, though this one feels more like a content dump than answering the question of dynamic/living. Your incredible content knowledge could actually be the issue here, as you are delving into such specifics that the explanation of them is taking up space!

The impact of Sayyid Qutb, the significance of the rite of Hajj, and Islamic ethical teachings on sexual ethics profoundly contribute to Islam as a living religious tradition. While at a surface glance they may be regarded as distinct from one another, through the fundamental belief in Tawhid and the many aspects of overlap in people, practice and ethics, it becomes evident that these three entities are interrelated. In conclusion, it is the areas of diversity which determine the status of ‘living’ and ‘dynamic’ to be attributed to the Islamic tradition.

My thoughts on this essay are varied Georgia, but let me start by saying it is wonderfully written. Your content knowledge is incredible, mind blowing - At no second did I doubt your understanding of the faith. It is in answering the question that I'm a little less sure - First paragraph was excellent, it felt cohesive, a few more obvious links to the question would have been excellent. The second was less cohesive, it felt like a mash of different bits of content, mostly because unity is such a large concept. The third delved into such specific aspects of the faith, it felt more like a content dump rather than cleverly chosen examples to address the question.

I'll let my comments throughout do most of the explanation, and if you need any clarification on my notes do let me know! No doubt in my mind you are able to produce a Band 6 essay. I'm not 100% sure whether this one quite gets there (if it doesn't it is bloody close), but in reading this I know you are capable of a 20/20 response, easily ;D

Thanks for the feedback, I found it extremely beneficial. I've never written an SOR essay before so thats why my structuring is clunky :/
How do students noramally go about organising their paragraphs? Is it usually a principal belief discussed per paragraph, and would that work for the majority of the potential questions?

Thank you Jamon!
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on July 08, 2017, 04:06:59 pm
Thanks for the feedback, I found it extremely beneficial. I've never written an SOR essay before so thats why my structuring is clunky :/
How do students noramally go about organising their paragraphs? Is it usually a principal belief discussed per paragraph, and would that work for the majority of the potential questions?

Thank you Jamon!

You are welcome!! ;D there's all sorts of styles, but a core belief per paragraph is one way to go. I talk a bit about the structure in this guide - There are other ways to do it though! You could do one aspect per paragraph (person, practice, ethics), though that doesn't work the best for this specific question.

Really, there are no limits to the way you can structure. You should have a look back at other essays in this thread and see what they did ;D
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: mjorfian on July 09, 2017, 06:06:25 pm
Hey! I handed this in to my teacher to mark for me and all she basically did was point out grammatical/punctual errors and i'm highly frustrated. ahhhhh. Do you guys mind just looking at the intro and one body paragraph? And assuming the rest of the paras are similar, what mark would you give this one? I got a 14/20 for the original in my assessment task. Thank you :)



“Sacred writings draw on the wisdom of the past even as they give voice to the issues and concerns of the present.” (Anon.)

Explain how Judaism draws on the wisdom of the past to guide the lives of adherents today.


Isaiah’s liturgical contributions to the Tenakh give insight into Isaiah’s  “wisdom of the past”. Known for his long ministry that began in 740BC, Isaiah achieved the considerable title of “prince of the prophets” in reward for his outstanding contributions that were reflective of his deep knowledge and understanding of the world as a prophet of God.  Some of which were his oracles of the messiah, his writings about punishment and salvation, as well as his passionate advocacy for social justice and ethical righteousness. Hence, such extrapolation of Isaiah’s text shapes the lives of Jewish adherents today.

Isaiah’s prophecies in his Book are an important aspect of his influence as they developed the notion of Jewish exile, return and salvation in the Messiah (Is 11:1) It is the 11th principle of faith and therefore vital to reaffirmation of Jewish beliefs. His prophecies of the messiah “He will not stop until justice has been established on earth” (Is 42:1-7) tells people that the Messiah will come save the people and defeat the enemies of the jews. This prophecy is significant for adherents of the Orthodox sect as they believe in the individual messiah and thus are given hope to continue to wait for salvation. It also allows them to continue to express their Jewish faith in times of difficulty such as the Shoah (holocaust). On the other hand, progressive jew who believe in the messianic period interpret his writings as a time of peace which is also significant in their lives as they are motivated to practice their faith as agents of peace that will bring forth the messiah. Regardless of sect, however, Isaiah’s “wisdom” is reflected in the seven haftarahs of consolation (Isaiah’s writings are a component of it) which are recited during special shabbats such as Chazon. Thus it can be seen that Isaiah’s prophecies of the Messiah in his writings from “the past” not only confirm the beliefs of varying jewish sects, but also affect the way in which adherents carry on with these beliefs engraved in daily and religious practices.


Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: elysepopplewell on July 26, 2017, 05:35:54 pm
Hey all, in 48 hours from now we will be locking these marking threads for the trial period. The two main reasons being, we want to be able to help lots of students in the time it takes to mark an essay/creative (usually 30-45 minutes at least) while lots of students need the help during trials, and also because feedback becomes less constructive with minimal time until the exam because we want to avoid panicking you with big changes, so the feedback isn't as worthwhile for you.

Not to fear - you still have 48 hours to post your work and we will get to marking them even after the threads are locked (if there's backlog).

We'll still be here to help you during the trials with all of our Q+A threads, downloadable notes, and so on. Thanks for understanding! We're still here to help on all of the boards that aren't marking threads! :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: georgiia on July 26, 2017, 06:36:16 pm
Could I please have feedback for this essay?
Thank you!!

Spoiler
2016 Studies of Religion
Christianity - Extended Response
“For jealousy and selfishness are not God’s kind of wisdom. Such things are earthly, unspiritual, and demonic.”
How do the ethical teachings of Christianity guide adherents to live lives that are not selfish, but that are based on God’s wisdom? (20 marks)

Ethical teachings in Christianity establish guidelines for moral behaviour on issues concerning ecological management along with the enduring survival of species and preservation of natural resources. The increasing attention that the Christian tradition has diverted towards sustaining the diversity of nature reflects ‘God’s kind of wisdom’ through the Christian understanding of stewardship guards against selfish and careless exploitation of the world’s resources. Christian ethical teachings on environmental ethics demonstrate Christianity as a living religious tradition. While actively and dynamically responding with a variety of measures to emerging scientific evidence, Christian environmental ethical teachings condone strong adherence to the core ethical teachings derived from significant voices and scripture.

As God’s partners in creation, it is the Christian adherents’ fundamental responsibility to ensure the earth is nurtured and cared for in a sustainable manner. Stewardship of the earth implies caring for it, not abusing it. In addition to their role as caretakers, adherents are to appreciate the value, functionality and beauty of nature as God’s gift. The book of Genesis provides an ethical framework for adherents as the Lords’ stewards; “God took the man and placed him in the Garden of Eden to work it and take care of it” (Genesis 2:15). Scripture acts as a source for ethical teachings as it expresses the concept of responsibility for the use of material processions. Christian stewardship may therefore be defined as the response which the church, both collectively and individually, is called to align with God’s wisdom and thank him for all that he has provided. despite past understandings that humankind was entitled to free use of the world’s resources, contemporary interpretations of christian ethical teachings in a number of sources emphatically account for the mutual relationship which exists between humankind and the rest of creation. It is widely perceived now more than ever that negligent use of the resources detrimental to human life will lead to environmental degradation and a loss of the capacity of the earth to continue tis provide for humanity. St Francis of Assisi emphasised the importance of stewardship in his actions and advocated against selfish capitalisation of the world’s resources; “Above all the… gifts the Christ gives to his beloved is that of overcoming self”.

Environmental degradation, the deteriorating state of the environment through depletion of resources, is an exponentially growing environmental issue which effects not only the entire human population, but all life on earth. The rapid increase seen in patterns of environmental degradation is heavily attributed to the increasing demand for fossil fuels as nations become more industrialised. In 2002, Catholic Earthcare Australia was established as an ecological agency of Australian Catholic Bishops Conference. The agency’s mission is to help people understand that creation is sacred and endangered, and must be protected and preserved for present and future generations. CEA has been successful in their attempts to safeguard the integrity of creation and provide a voice for victims of environmental degradation. Along with advising bishops on ecological matters, the agency currently participates in providing ongoing support and advocacy for the protection of diverse species found in Great Barrier Reef such as endangered coral. This effectively channels God’s wisdom in that the importance of sustaining the diversity of life on earth is secured. Were Christians to ignore the degradation of the environment, they would be disobeying God’s plan in a selfish manner, one that can only be described as “earthly, unspiritual and demonic”.

Ethical teachings of Christianity pertaining to issues in the environment indoctrinate the philosophy that creation belongs to the entire human family. The bountiful goods of the earth are to be shared by all, with justice, generosity and equality. This call to justice has a number of dimensions. Our world is currently lacking global justice and equity, as environmental degradation disproportionately falls into the hands of poorer nations. This is a case of inherent injustice, particularly as these nation states are less responsible for causing environmental destruction than wealthier nations. Intergenerational justice and equity refers to preserving all earthly resources for future generations; “We do not inherit the earth from our ancestors; we borrow it from our children.” (Ancient proverb). Solidarity with the poor refers to actively looking out for others. We can see with Jesus’ words that through the creation of right relationships with others, we bring about the Reign of God and will be judged worthy of salvation. A contemporary issue that has risen from humanity’s lacking awareness in this idea of justice and how people must consider others before themselves when it come to the environment, is the issue of water management and salinity. Water is the most precious gift given to creation by God, and yet it is being misused. The earths supply of water is threatened by irresponsible agricultural and industrial practices, and the need for preservation of water sources is evident in the fragility of the Murray Darling Basin. Active response from members of the Christian tradition is accounted for by the work of Uniting Earthweb, which in 2015 teamed up with Catholic Earthcare to implement a project called ‘Faith in a Basin Future’. This action aims to sustain vital and resilient communities in the Southern basin for future generations. In addition, Australian Catholic Bishops Conference released a statement titled ‘Water; the Gift of Life’ investigated the need for preservation and restoration of the basin and urged Australias to use water responsibly. Such examples powerfully respond to God’s wisdom, compelling adherents to think more worldly when it comes to use of the environment.

We can see through Jesus’ words that through the creation of right relationships with others, we bring about the Reign of God but also will be judged worthy of salvation. Mission as disciples is to follow the words and actions of Jesus. Christians are called to create the Kingdom of God “On earth as it is in heaven” (Matthew 6:10). Likewise, liberal Protestant Sally McFague argues that the world is the physical manifestation of God, not a separate product of God; “The world is God’s body”. It is thus evident that an adherent of Christianity must, in order to live out ‘God’s kind of wisdom’, respond to this call to mission and work for preventing climate change. Climate change and the subsequent issue of global warming is causing a dramatic rise in sea levels, increased water salinity, a lack of rain and stronger storm surges. This has created a risk of the permanent displacement of pacific island communities such as Kiribati and Tuvalu as it has made their environment increasingly less sustainable and viable for living. In 2005, Uniting justice Australia, the National Council of Churches in Australia, Catholic Earthcare Australia and the Australian Conservation Foundation circulated a brochure to parishes across the country entitled “Changing Climate, Changing Creation.” It encourages parishioners to write to governments asking for more money for public transport and new targets and timetables for increased use of renewable energies, as well as a commitment to the Kyoto Protocol. The Pacific Calling Partnership, an initiative of Edmund Rice Centre, held meetings in 2006 and 2008 to educate about the effects climate change has on pacific islands. The NGO also spoke at UN Copenhagen Conference in 2009 with the aim of calling to action and strengthening cooperation between nation states, for the future of at-risk communities.

In conclusion, ethical teachings of christianity; humanity’s responsibility as stewards of the earth, the importance of sustaining creation in all its diversity, earthly resources belonging equally to the entire human family both past and present, and the missional call to bring about the Reign of God all establish successful frameworks which guide adherents to live lives that are not selfish, but which are based on God’s wisdom.


PLEASE DONT MARK THIS ESSAY UNLESS YOU ALREDY HAVE THEN DW, BUT I'M POSING A LEGAL CRME LAW REFORM ESSAY AND WOULD RATHER THAT BE MARKED!!!!!
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: sanjana_ramachandran on November 12, 2017, 03:32:19 pm
Introduction

•   Islamic bioethical teachings can guide adherents to live in submission to the will of Allah in their daily lives by influencing them to practice virtuous actions that don’t involve taking and modifying human lives.
•    The rewards associated with following bioethical teachings is indicated in the quote from Qu’ran 2:82, “As for those who believe in, and live a righteous life, they shall be the dwellers of paradise”.
•   The quote relates to the belief “Al-Akhira” i.e. life after death.
•   It directly links to the bioethical teachings of Islam such as the sanctity of life, curing of illness, choosing the lesser of two evils and redemption caused by suffering; this is implied in its reference to a “righteous life”. It indicates that a person who submits to Allah’s will by respecting his creation of life will be honoured through the attainment of salvation after death. Contrastingly, a person who participates in actions that involve the destruction of life will face eternal punishment in hell also known “Jahannam”. 



Body paragraph one- “Life is sacred”

•   To begin with, Islamic bioethics emphasizes the sanctity of life because adherents believe that that all human life is sacred as it is given by Allah and that he chooses how long each person lives in it
•   For example, Muslims are against the act of euthanasia that involves the unjustifiable killing of a person who suffers from an incurable or painful disease as it involves sacrificing Allah’s creation of life.
•   This opposition is supported in an article published in the newspaper “Ottawa citizens”; it discusses the viewpoints of different religious leaders on the issue of “assisted dying”, “Imam Sikander Ziad Hashmi of the Kanata Muslim Association said that there is more the government could be doing through palliative care”.
•   The Imam’s viewpoint on euthanasia stresses the importance of expressing faith by respecting others’ lives; this can guarantee adherents to be “dwellers of paradise” as they are shown to assist Allah in the restoration and protection of mankind.
•   All the Islamic scholars from the four major schools of thought (Hanafi, Shafi’’, Maliki and Hanbali) regard euthanasia as haram(prohibited)
•   Overall, Qu’ran 2:82 suggests that adherents who value the sanctity of life will by honouring Allah’s creations through the restoration of and respect for the existence of mankind. This can further impact upon the Umma as people are constantly able to consider each other’s dignity when carrying out actions that involve the modification and destruction of human life. 
Body paragraph two- “One should seek to cure illness”

•   Similarly, Islamic bioethics emphasises the importance of preventing illness, but when prevention fails, it provides guidance not only for the physician but also for the patient.
•   The guidance is provided through outlined procedures in the Qu’ran and Hadith that involve prayer and sacrifice such as the repeated recitation of “Durood Shafi” (praise upon Prophet Mohammed) to gain protection from swine flu.
•   The teaching is further clarified in a quote from Bukhari 7.582 of the Hadith, “The Prophet said, “There is no disease that Allah has created, except that he has also created their treatment”.
•   This shows how adherents will be guided to submit to Allah’s will by obeying his commands to eradicate bodily malfunctions and thus enhance their wellbeing in order to survive and retain his creation of life.
•   Due to this teaching, Islamic ethics permits organ transplantation because it involves saving the life of an individual suffering from a disease.
•   The majority of Shiite and Sunni jurisprudents consider organ transplantation to be permissible as long as the needs of the donor are given more consideration than the needs of the recipient as it is important to ensure that both remain in good health after the process. 
•    Thus, Qu’ran 2:82 indirectly emphasizes the importance of following the bioethical teaching of seeking cure for illness; it shows that a person can submit to the will of Allah by participating in actions to save themselves and others from dying of diseases.
•   This can impact upon an individual by enabling them to gain salvation in heaven by being faithful to Allah’s creation and making sacrifices to save others’ lives ; this can also foster good health and strong interpersonal support within the Umma.
Body paragraph three- “Choosing the lesser of two evils”


•   The key Islamic principle outlined in the bioethical teaching about “choosing the lesser of two evils” is that when one is faced inevitably with two bad choices, they should take the choice that is less evil and immoral, in order to stay committed to Allah’s purpose of creating mankind to spread the message of goodness through meritorious actions.
•   For example, Islam allows abortion when the mother is not healthy because it sees this as the ‘lesser of two evils’. The death of the unborn child is seen as a lesser evil than the death of the mother because the embryo is yet to receive the full gift of life from Allah.
•   This view is further supported in a quote from an Iranian politician, Grand Ayatollah Yusuf Saanei, “But Islam is also a religion of compassion, and if there are serious problems, God sometimes doesn’t require his creatures to practice his law”. Saanei had issued a fatwa which permits abortion in the first three months of pregnancy when the foetus hasn’t fully developed into a living soul; abortions are permitted for a woman if continuing the pregnancy will put her life in danger.
•   Majority of scholars from the Hanafi and Maliki schools of thought specify that abortion can be induced if a pregnancy poses a threat to a woman’s life; however, it is not permitted once the zygote begins to fully develop.
•   Thus, Qu’ran 2:82 stresses out that an individual who chooses the lesser of two evils during tough situations can attain salvation in heaven as the sinful actions were not committed out of personal desire but helplessness. This can create an environment of forgiveness and acceptance within the Umma.


Body paragraph four- “Suffering can lead to redemption”

•   Furthermore, the Islamic bioethical teaching about the link between suffering and redemption highlights Islam’s consideration of suffering and illness as an opportunity for one to compensate for their past sins or improve their relationship with god.
•   The importance of redemption is highlighted in Qur’an 8:46, “And obey Allah and his Messenger, and fall into no disputes, let ye lose heart and your power depart; and be patient and persevering: For Allah is with those who patiently persevere”.
•   This explains how a person must constantly have faith in Allah by accepting their sufferings as a punishment for their sins instead of falling down to them.
•   The teaching about the link between suffering and redemption is further elaborated upon in the Islamic view of euthanasia that relates back to the sanctity of life: Muslims believe that all human life is sacred because it is given by Allah and Allah chooses how long each person lives for. Human beings should not interfere in this.
•   Thus, a person who doesn’t take actions to treat their illness or accept their illness as punishment for sins by voluntarily taking their own lives will go against the Islamic bioethical teaching about suffering against redemption.
•   Thus, Qu’ran 2:82 signifies that an individual can find themselves on the path to salvation if they accept their suffering as a consequence of their sinful actions in their past; this can create an environment of support and tolerance within the Umma.

Conclusion

•   Overall, the quote from Qu’ran 2:82 highlights the importance of following bioethical teachings in order to submit to Allah’s will; this is achieved by showing respect for his creation of life and doing good moral deeds in order to gain salvation.
•   This can influence an individual to get closer to god and repent to their mistakes allowing them to function better within the Umma and feel a sense of belonging. 


Hey,
I have written the sentence for my essay in bullet points.
Could you please give me a sample mark and feedback?
I need it back by tommorow.
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: jamonwindeyer on November 12, 2017, 04:44:30 pm
Quote
Hey,
I have written the sentence for my essay in bullet points.
Could you please give me a sample mark and feedback?
I need it back by tommorow.

Hey! Welcome to the forums! Really sorry but having 6 hours to give feedback is not really something we can do, it normally takes us a few days! We're uni students with exams and such so it can take that long to find a spare half an hour to do it for you - Next time try and give us a bit more notice! I like your plan though, on a quick skim you are referencing the Quran heaps and answering the question well, so you should be confident :)
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: Seanclair on November 16, 2017, 11:17:59 pm
Helloooo!

So I have an SOR take home assessment, where we basically have to answer two 5 markers on aboriginal spiritualities and post 1945. In our response I should add, we have to include intent referencing to show external research. I know this isn't an essay, but I hoped maybe I could just see what anyone thinks of it - am I answering the question? thats always my problem.

Describe the changing patterns of religious adherence from 1945 to the present, using current census data.

In Australia, there has been a significant shift in patterns of adherence in the contemporary religious landscape since 1945. Recent census data has confirmed that “patterns of religious adherence have been steadily changing since the 1947 Australian census” (Bulmer & Doret. 2010. Excel). In particular, the Christian tradition, while still retaining the greatest number of adherents in Australia, has declined from 88% in 1947 to 52% in 2016. Catholicism - what was once the second most adhered to denomination at 20.9% in 1947, has overtaken Anglicanism in 1986 to hold 22.6% of Christian adherents, while Anglicanism is now at 13.3%, according to current census data. While Christianity has declined in terms of it’s rate of adherence, other non-christian traditions, such as Buddhism, Islam, and Hinduism, have gained an increasingly pronounced presence in Australia’s current religious landscape. While in 2011 Buddhism was the dominant non-christian tradition at 2.5%, in recent 2016 data, Islam has overtaken, now with 2.6% of the Australian population. Similarly, Hinduism has grown significantly, from 0.01% in 1947, to 1.9% in 2016. The increase of non-christian faiths in relation to the decrease of Christianity marks a clear changing pattern of adherence. In conjunction, the ‘no religion’ category is gaining significant momentum, as in 1947 only 0.3% of Australia’s population identified as having no religious affiliation, whereas 2016 census data shows that proportion has increased dramatically to just over 30%. Similarly, new age traditions, such as Yoga, marked as ‘other religions’ have found their way into the contemporary religious landscape, as having grown from 0.5% in 1947 to 5.6% in 2016. These changing statistics “...show the diversity of Australia’s religious life” (Gary D Bouma, 2017. TheConversation.com), and ultimately mark a clear change in Australia’s pattern of religious adherence.

So thats it. Thankyou so much for what you do!!!
Title: Re: Free SOR Essay Marking!
Post by: dancing phalanges on November 17, 2017, 09:31:43 am
Helloooo!

So I have an SOR take home assessment, where we basically have to answer two 5 markers on aboriginal spiritualities and post 1945. In our response I should add, we have to include intent referencing to show external research. I know this isn't an essay, but I hoped maybe I could just see what anyone thinks of it - am I answering the question? thats always my problem.

Describe the changing patterns of religious adherence from 1945 to the present, using current census data.

In Australia, there has been a significant shift in patterns of adherence in the contemporary religious landscape since 1945. Recent census data has confirmed that “patterns of religious adherence have been steadily changing since the 1947 Australian census” (Bulmer & Doret. 2010. Excel). In particular, the Christian tradition, while still retaining the greatest number of adherents in Australia, has declined from 88% in 1947 to 52% in 2016. Catholicism - what was once the second most adhered to denomination at 20.9% in 1947, has overtaken Anglicanism in 1986 to hold 22.6% of Christian adherents, while Anglicanism is now at 13.3%, according to current census data. While Christianity has declined in terms of it’s rate of adherence, other non-christian traditions, such as Buddhism, Islam, and Hinduism, have gained an increasingly pronounced presence in Australia’s current religious landscape. While in 2011 Buddhism was the dominant non-christian tradition at 2.5%, in recent 2016 data, Islam has overtaken, now with 2.6% of the Australian population. Similarly, Hinduism has grown significantly, from 0.01% in 1947, to 1.9% in 2016. The increase of non-christian faiths in relation to the decrease of Christianity marks a clear changing pattern of adherence. In conjunction, the ‘no religion’ category is gaining significant momentum, as in 1947 only 0.3% of Australia’s population identified as having no religious affiliation, whereas 2016 census data shows that proportion has increased dramatically to just over 30%. Similarly, new age traditions, such as Yoga, marked as ‘other religions’ have found their way into the contemporary religious landscape, as having grown from 0.5% in 1947 to 5.6% in 2016. These changing statistics “...show the diversity of Australia’s religious life” (Gary D Bouma, 2017. TheConversation.com), and ultimately mark a clear change in Australia’s pattern of religious adherence.

So thats it. Thankyou so much for what you do!!!

All of it looks good but I would say just get rid of the quotes as they aren't necessary, particularly the one from excel (don't quote textbooks). If you simply put these quotes into your own words your para is in depth enough for a 5 marker and describe question :)