ADV English: Discovery Essay

[Liam_24]

Hey Guys!

Here is my essay. It is in response to the following question: (Core text is the tempest, related is the film, 'Lion')

"’Discoveries can be both provocative and confronting’. How is this idea represented in your core text and a related text of your choosing?”

My teacher has also told us that we need to give further insight to the question, hence I am also stating that these provocative and confronting disocveries can have either sudden short-term emotional responses or long-term emotional responses.

This is due very soon, so some feedback ASAP would be highly appreciated!!!!!

Thanks!
P.S MAX word limit is 1100 words and im at 1250, any tips to reduce that would be awesome as well!

[jamonwindeyer]

Hey! You don't have quite enough posts for me to give you a full set of detailed feedback (see the marking guidelines) but a few pointers:

- Make sure you've got commas for pausing for the reader, and appropriate word choice and syntax. Read the essay aloud to a friend, have them listen for inconsistencies and help you fix them. Clarity is really important.
- I like that you're delving into the question a bit more, this is essential. However, I'm looking for a better explanation of how you distinguish between short and long term emotional responses. I think your explanation in the current form is a little vague.
- Ensure the way you introduce your techniques/examples follows TEA: Technique, Explain, Audience. Meaning, for every quote, give the technique that is used, explain why the composer has used it, and discuss what it shows/does for the audience. Never give a quote without a technique, and never give a technique without explaining what exactly it is being used for. What concept does it show?
- Make sure you aren't retelling the plot and/or describing what is seen on screen at any given time. Sentences like, "When Saroo is living in Australia and is at a dinner party with university friends, he spots a plate of Jalebi’s and pauses", are what I mean here. Remember, your marker has read the text. So, you don't need to lay it out for them. "The composers use of TECHNIQUE in QUOTE shows the audience ______." Rinse, repeat - We don't need backstory and we don't need context. It shouldn't be about the characters.
- Keep your quotes short - That is the easiest way to trim your word count. Some of your quotes are 30 words long - Try to aim for closer to 10 words, pick the bit that shows the technique you are trying to analyse and ditch the rest.
- Don't reference scenes when discussing concepts in the intro/conclusion - You should be able to explain the idea without referencing the text. The text is there as evidence for the concept, not to help form the concept

[Liam_24]

Oh Sorry, I didn't read the marking guidelines.

But thank you so much for your feedback, It is really good!!