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March 29, 2024, 11:37:00 pm

Author Topic: 50 in English, available for queries :)  (Read 339105 times)  Share 

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Summers

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Re: 50 in English, available for queries :)
« Reply #75 on: March 08, 2014, 06:51:05 pm »
0
Hi,

I'm fairly good at English, just not what the VCAA wants from me. This is my first bit of a text response that I've done ever (outside of a test). I'm not really sure how to approach the actual SAC but I'm planning on attempting to basically memorise 6 of my essays and two of them can be the SAC prompt. Regardless, could you please read my first little bit - I'm not really sure if I'm actually answering the question or what I'm doing, I just started writing and madly looking for quotes (which took a long time).

‘There father! There, Achilles! You are avenged!’ How does Ransom suggest that there are more noble characteristics than the ability and desire to kill.’

The novel Ransom by David Malouf, which was based on the novel ‘The Illiad,’ suggests that there is little reverence to be upheld for a person who can take a life rather than a being that can epitomise a life with reason. The Illiad was written centuries before Ransom in a period where warfare or death in battle was glorified with honour and pride, but times have changed and morals have modernised. (UNFINISHED - Don't really know how to write text response).

Few men exercised their sovereign right to take life as habitually as Achilles, ‘the most formidable’ of the Greeks. Achilles was an ostentatious warrior that ‘was born to be a fighter’ and exemplifies the interior hopelessness of ‘a man obeying the needs of some other, darker agency.’ This demi-god who reaps trepidation from his foe ‘eased the heavy weapon in[to]’ Hector in an intimate battle as an act of vengeance upon Patroclus’ death and  ‘felt his soul change colour,’ exploring the dehumanising, psychological impact that accompanies instigating entrance to death. Even Achilles was only as strong as his heel, both physically and mentally. Warriors share a sacred bond in battle, yet Achilles was ‘like a man under instruction from his daemon’ and even his own men began to question the actions of their leader whom is accustomed to ‘bursts of violence’ as he began to desecrate Hector’s body. Malouf describes Achilles own realm as ‘the rough world of men’ that highlights pain, loss and futility due to his attachment in seeking death. Although Achilles killed Hector, the man who took Patroclus’ from him, ‘it is never enough’ to compensate the life of his cousin which ‘torments him.’ As a result, Achilles portrays few characteristics of what makes a person human, yet has innumerable idiosyncrasies surrounding death and despair which appears flagitious. 


« Last Edit: March 08, 2014, 06:53:09 pm by Summers »

literally lauren

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Re: 50 in English, available for queries :)
« Reply #76 on: March 08, 2014, 07:37:25 pm »
+4
Paul,
That's fine! Keep in mind you won't get much credit for external evidence (unlike a Context piece) but if you feel it adds to the discussion then it's alright to have a one or two line reference. Just make sure you're linking back to the text constantly, or else you do run the risk of examiners penalising you for going too far off topic. As you say, provided you have evidence and are using the text as your base, not some other work, you should be safe. The example you gave there was well done though, and the philosophical idea you mentioned is both relevant and interesting :)

literally lauren

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Re: 50 in English, available for queries :)
« Reply #77 on: March 08, 2014, 07:59:07 pm »
+7
Summers,
You do write well, but that's only a small part of what VCAA is looking for :P It's the relevance and the quality/sophistication of your ideas that will be a more influential factor in determining your mark, though ultimately your writing ability is going to help a lot. I'd recommend you check out the attachment I put on the 1st/2nd page of this thread about how to structure and respond to prompts. There's also a section at the bottom that deals with the different prompt types. This one here is a 'structural' question, (since it contains the word 'How' pretty much) which means you need to discuss the text as a construct. HOW does the author use certain characters to support this assertion? HOW does the structure/form/plot/pacing/symbolism/any feature of the text work to support the prompt?
Your introduction is an excellent start, and dealing with the different values of Malouf's audience as opposed to Homer's is a great idea. You'd probably need another sentence or two in order to 'signpost' your key arguments, or at least expand upon some possible points of discussion. After that, a good tip for T.R. is to make yourself write the author's name. By saying 'Malouf makes the reader feel...' or 'Malouf's use of...' you're forcing yourself to analyse instead of just summarise.
Your first paragraph is also very good, though you're on the border of quoting to summarise. It's good that you're using so much evidence, but at times it lapses into retelling the story.
It seems like you know what you're doing, even if it is only subconsciously :P I had a similar problem in L.A. I'd be getting fairly god marks, but I didn't know WHAT I was doing right.
What VCAA wants of you is to answer the question. But the technical name for this form of essay is 'expository' meaning you're exposing new ideas. Supposedly you use this prompt as an outline, and then you argue for a certain reading or interpretation of the text. What worked for me in this regard was to reduce my analysis to a couple of simple words. In this case, I'd have to decide whether I thought there were more noble characteristics, and then try and find 3 or 4 key ways Ransom establishes these characteristics.
Something you might find helpful is to question as much as you can.
eg.
  • Are there more important characteristics?
  • Are these suggested to be equal, or MORE noble?
  • Is this definition of nobility the same for everyone?
  • Is there a difference between ability and desire?
  • ^Is one more noble than the other?
  • How does this quote communicate nobility (or bloodlust)?
Eventually you'll get to a stage where these questions will occur naturally, and your analysis will reflect this critical interpretational writing. If you're struggling for ideas it might be worth doing some wider reading (other student's essays, Ransom or otherwise, academic journals/theses, the actual Illiad if you're feeling ambitious :P or perhaps just an article on its portrayal of nobility as a contrast) Obviously, as with the below inquiry, this can't be the basis for an entire piece, and you won't get any credit for quoting an external source, but it can point you in the direction of some more interesting discussion than the VCAA basics.
If you need help with the actual criteria for assessment, check with your teacher about school-specific stuff, and just google VCAA Text Response Criteria. It's terribly verbose but it should give a general indication of that is expected :)

Summers

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Re: 50 in English, available for queries :)
« Reply #78 on: March 08, 2014, 08:26:05 pm »
0
Thanks, all of that really helped. (EDIT: Just looked and I can't actually find the text response techniques. I found one that I think was for context, and some hyperlinks don't work for some reason on my MAC.)

I'll download that thing you mentioned on page 2 or whatever and see if that helps. What my main problem is that I don't really know how to deconstruct a prompt properly and respond to it with in-depth details. For that prompt of ...
‘There father! There, Achilles! You are avenged!’ How does Ransom suggest that there are more noble characteristics than the ability and desire to kill.’

 I can honestly say I had no idea what I was meaning to respond to. My teacher said to focus on 'metalanguage' (whatever that is I'm a spastic) for the 'how' and then I have no idea what else, so basically no idea for everything :D If it were me I'd simply write 3 paragraphs addressing something like the positives of love and legacy (one paragraph each) in comparison to the ability and desire to kill (one paragraph) a person, which would be me sort of contrasting the two but that isn't right because I'd only be focusing on one idea. I'm supposed to be able to integrate multiple themes and eloquently write within the matter of 55-60 minutes and I don't really know how; I've basically been on par with borderline failing English in former years, yet people who can't even string a sentence together without innumerable imperfections score highly.

'It's the relevance and the quality/sophistication of your ideas that will be a more influential factor in determining your mark.' I'm not sure if you are informed or adept with Ransom, but I'll just hope you are for the sake of me trying to improve :P Let me pretend I think 'love' is the most noble characteristic that Malouf explores in the text, I'd probably say something along the lines of that with a touch of sophistication as a topic sentence. Then I'd say something like this is evident with Somax who exemplifies his love for his children who have passed. I could stop here, or I could continue to string crap out that is basically altering what I'm saying by the slightest in a new sentence, just adding wider meaning to what I've already said. For example, he shows this when prattling with Priam when he is so disheartened when his daughter-in-law gets sick and wish he was in her position etc. How could I formulate my next idea which my teacher is pushing me into doing, for example, Hecuba's love for Hector into the same paragraph? This is where I go wrong in text response because I simply don't understand. I wish I could write like 6 sentences per paragraph and be done, and have some formulaic writing to it.

Like aforementioned, the storytelling of a published book that I did for my first paragraph because I'm an uncoordinated loon took me FOREVER, like an hour to find quotes and write it and it basically has no conceptual ideas to it. It took me ages to continue writing my next paragraph so I basically gave up and wrote like 250-300 words in 2-3 minutes because I hate this. I'm a bit worried because my SAC is on Monday week and I have countless other SACS I also have to focus on (cram).

:( I wish I was more adept with English.

EDIT: The rest of my essay. You'll realise I have absolutely no 'ideas' behind what I'm writing - it is a piece of shieeet.


The vexatious of murder is explored through Priam’s role of boar hunting. Priam was ‘symbolically as the centre’ of the boar hunting but ‘could have no part in the merely physical business’ as it was ‘his duty to maintain and make shine.’ The visual imagery of murder that is portrayed, such as ‘a ton of steaming flesh and bone waiting to be hacked’ entails the vivid depths that killing has on a man, whether human or lower on the food chain. Priam ‘could have no part in the merely physical business’ or killing the boar for this reason as it polarises men from their fundamental characteristics of being human, yet ‘a little of the beast’s thick blood [was] smeared on his brow,’ being symbolic of his strength to conquer this animal as ‘the realm of the royal was representational.’

The lower orders of creation can often teach the most virtous elementary principles to men..Ransom is a Bildungsroman of sorts, as King Priam was a being that lived through the transition of slavery to royalty and was searching for the catalyst for him becoming a man which is found through a carter. Somax was ‘a bearded, shaggy-headed fellow’ that was representative of an ‘ordinary man’ throughout Ransom and leads Priam in an adventure outside the walls of Troy. Somax teaches Priam the lessons of being a man through the ‘chatter’ that ‘was of no use’ which was atypical for Priam, coming from a world where ‘a man only spoke to give shape to a decision he had come to…’ Through the simple ‘prattling’ of the men, Priam learnt about love and humility that was elusive to him, and also regret and life was now ‘curious’ and of ‘interest’ to him. Both men had lost children, and Somax relates to Priam when he ‘closed his fist and brought it to his chest to indicate the heart,’ exemplifying that worrying for the health of children ‘is in our nature.’ However, the men also shared experience with regret and not doing the right thing by their children, demonstrated by Somax ‘open[ing] his (son) lip with my fist’ which had the affect of Priam feeling more human through relation of mistakes as he had no close relation with his children. In turn, Priam feels less like a man detached from humanity, and is willing and excited to engage more in life.


« Last Edit: March 08, 2014, 08:29:58 pm by Summers »

Paulrus

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Re: 50 in English, available for queries :)
« Reply #79 on: March 08, 2014, 08:52:02 pm »
0
thank you so much for your help lauren! your advice in this topic is nothing short of amazing, thank you heaps :)
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Blondie21

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Re: 50 in English, available for queries :)
« Reply #80 on: March 09, 2014, 01:03:35 pm »
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Hey Lauren,

WOW! Your advice on this forum has helped me so much so thank you! However, I am still struggling with writing a high scoring piece for language analysis. I had my first SAC and probably achieved a 'C'.. so I definetely want and need to improve!!

If you have time, I would really appreciate some feedback for my language analysis. This is the article: http://www.theage.com.au/comment/the-age-editorial/this-sodden-angry-culture-has-to-change-20140123-31bn1.html

Australia’s infamous alcohol-fuelled violence incidents, such as Thomas Kelly’s “tragic” death, have generated widespread concerns as to whether or not a new legislation should be implemented in an attempt to reduce the amount of alcohol-fuelled attacks. By appealing didactic, measured and logical, the editorial “This sodden, angry culture has to change” (The Age, January 24th 2014) contends to the responsible, older adults of Australia that the Premier’s proposed laws will be ineffective as alcohol abuse is the major problem in Australia. The editor aims to persuade their readership that the only way for a decline in alcohol consumption is through cultural change and emphasises the possibility due to the rapid decline of tobacco usage.


The editor asserts that although the Premier is planning to implement a plethora of restrictions to reduce alcohol-fuelled violence, they will be futile. The predominant factor influencing the attacks is the mindset of the individuals who are voluntarily becoming excessively drunk. The editor lists the measures of the Premier’s plans, such as “mandatory 10pm closing times” in order to criticise those who do not believe that “alcohol abuse” is in fact the major “condition” prompting the audience to recognise that Barry O’Farrell’s plan would be ineffective in decreasing the amount of attacks in the country, thus reducing his credibility as he has ignored that Australia is one of the “more drunken cultures” in the world, The editor complements the barbaric actions of the drunk with a photograph of an intoxicated man, with the words “for instant idiot, just add alcohol” sprawled across his face. The editor is positioning the readership to acknowledge the behaviour of the “idiot(s)” as the photograph highlights that this is the mental and health state that many perpetrators of alcohol-fuelled violence are in during the attacks. The audience would be more inclined to agree that the “complex” and “critical” problem of alcohol abuse must be suppressed in order for a decrease in violence to occur, exemplifying that the closing times would have no impact and that O’Farrell’s proposal would be unproductive. By utilising the evidence that “26 percent” of Australians admit to consuming alcohol in order to “put their health at serious risk,” the audience would be more susceptible to agree that many attacks within Australia are caused by the careless, inebriated individuals who have no regard for their health. Hence, the audience are positioned to recognise that alcohol intoxication is the reason the violence and thus the proposed laws are “clearly not working.”

Having cemented that alcohol intoxication is the predominant factor causing the violence in Australia; the editor explains the consequences of alcohol and the implementations the medical association have proposed. The editor sways the reader to recognise the disastrous ramifications of alcohol intoxication, even though many fail to admit their own consumption, proved by the editor questioning whether the results are the “truth.” This promotes the reader to recognise the public’s naivety towards their own alcohol consumption and their ignorance is causing “damage” which is “extensive and costly.” The readership is positioned to recognise that the community’s lack of knowledge can be altered and improved with a cultural change and proper education in order to expose the dangerous ramifications which occur. The many ramifications of alcohol such as “breast cancer,” “heart disease,” and the possibility of “mental illness” would frighten the reader, who would be more inclined to then agree that their own amount of alcohol consumption must be reduced. The editor also promotes the audience to inform their own families and friends of the dangerous effects of alcohol in order to reduce the health factors which are caused by alcohol. The Medical Association has “urged” the government to agree to the “essential” approach, enforcing the importance of reducing the amount of alcohol consumption. The highly credible opinion of the Medical Association would sway the audience to agree with their suggestion, do to their valuable knowledge of health. Hence, the editor hopes that by informing the audience of the many health factors and dangerous consequences, the readership would agree to the AMA’s proposal to reduce the “epidemic” of alcohol consumption.


The editor vehemently asserts the need to reduce the amount of alcohol consumption and the need for a cultural change. The author inclusively groups the audience by implying that “we cannot afford” to continue the current perception of “leisure time” in Australia. This promotes that the editor is an ordinary member of the community, encouraging the readership to agree with a fellow neighbour. In addition, as this highlights community members are affected by the alcohol consumption in the community, the audience are positioned to perceive that they also play a critical role in reducing the alcohol-fuelled violence due to the need for a cultural reform. The editor outlines the many failed attempts of preventing violence such as “several summits” and “discussion papers” even though the “problem still persists” The audience would be are aware that the government has failed to acknowledge that the core of the violence is alcohol abuse and thus proves that a cultural change would be the most beneficial solution The editor asserts only a “cultural change” will impact on the amount of violence in the country, implicitly suggesting to the audience that once the public become more informed with an “extensive and effective education,” there will be a decline in alcohol intoxication and thus alcohol-fuelled violence, further enforcing the benefits of a change in the culture surrounding alcohol. Hence, the editor evokes the readership to understand the importance of cultural change and the overall benefits.


The editor concludes their piece by asserting that the success of the decline in smoking can act as an incentive to reduce the amount of alcohol consumption in Australia. The editor praises the country for “succeeding in that way” against tobacco, highlight that a cultural change had caused the fewer smokers in Australia, promoting the audience to agree within the proposal as cultural change is evidently achievable and has proven results. The editor complements the need for a cultural reform with two cartoons depicting a cigarette and wine glass with large crosses over both of them. The readership are positioned to recognise the well-known symbol of  the no-smoking icon and believe that with cultural change, the wine cartoon being crossed out may also become a well-known within society. The editor is leaves the audience with the simple message that like smoking, alcohol consumption can also decrease if the same approach is undertaken. Henceforth, the audience are inclined to recognise that a cultural change must occur for a reduction of violence within Australia.
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Phanboy

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Re: 50 in English, available for queries :)
« Reply #81 on: March 10, 2014, 05:16:47 pm »
0
Hey, just some quick questions :)
I've never been good at Context writing, most of the time I'm writing in a essay format expository piece and my scores have been ~ D's, but my tutor has decided for me to start using an expository-personal format (eg. letter, speech) even though I have told him I'm far worse at imaginative.

First of all,
(1)Is this still considered an expository or an imaginative piece?
(2)Do you think it's in my best interest to pick this up? (I'm in year 12 by the way)
Thanks

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Re: 50 in English, available for queries :)
« Reply #82 on: March 10, 2014, 05:27:17 pm »
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Hi Lauren :)

I'm really struggling with honing my skills with my text response essays. If you could please have a read through this and give me advice, that would be so great. My teacher says that I need to hone my skills because I am already well-structured and articulate, but I'm not sure how to do that exactly haha.

Thank you :)


“I was learning that Baba had been a thief. And a thief of the worst kind, because the things he had stolen had been sacred.” Baba’s actions in The Kite Runner are more damaging than any of Amir’s. Discuss.

In Khaled Hosseini’s The Kite Runner, the actions of both Baba and Amir are portrayed as destructive in nature, but ultimately, the reader is able to see Amir as a less damaging character due to his atonement and consequent redemption. By highlighting Baba’s failure to act and his betrayal of his homeland, Hosseini illustrates Baba in a cowardly and disloyal way. While it may be argued that Amir’s actions were far more damaging than any of Baba’s, Baba’s actions while raising Amir caused him to act in a negative way.
 
In The Kite Runner, it is often the case that a characters failure to act can prove to be more damaging than any of their actions. In the case of Amir, it is his failure to defend Hassan during the rape that proves the most damaging, but in the case of Baba it is his failure to atone for his actions. Although Baba’s actions alone are not considered as damaging as Amir’s, the mere fact that Amir tried to redeem himself after his poor decisions shows responsibility and integrity and allowed him to finally feel “healed”. While the beating he took from Assef left his body “broken”, he was able to laugh because he had finally atoned. Baba, on the other hand, failed to atone for the way he raised his son. His high expectations and lack of affection caused Amir to feel the need to “sacrifice for Baba”, which directly resulted in him considering the blue kite of higher value than Hassan. Baba never let Amir know that he was good enough, and this proved to be detrimental to his moral standings at a young age. While Baba did not directly cause the rape, his actions were more damaging in the scheme of things than Amir’s were.

The theme of loyalty and betrayal is prevalent in The Kite Runner, as it illustrates the transition of Afghanistan from a country of beauty to a country of destruction and war. It would be unreasonable to claim that Baba was the direct cause of Afghanistan’s demise, but the people who fled Afghanistan were significant symbolic contributors to the loss of their homeland. Baba fled as soon as he realised that his “way of life had ended” in Afghanistan. He was acting in a responsible way in terms of what his son needed, but in other ways he was leaving his country to fend for itself. He not only left his country, he robbed his son of his homeland. Kabul was not the same, “you couldn’t trust anyone”, but the significance and importance of “standing up” for his country in its time of need seemingly overrules leaving in terms of importance. This further proves the damaging effect that Baba’s actions have throughout the novel, especially in terms of the country of which he originates.

There are several father-son relationships illustrated in The Kite Runner which explore the various ways that you are able to raise your son. While it can be argued that Baba is a positive influence on how Amir acts by encouraging him to “stand up for himself”, his cold and distant treatment towards Amir’s choices early in life causes him to feel inadequate. This, in turn, causes Amir to sacrifice Hassan to Assef and the bullies to impress his father.  If Baba was a more loving and accepting father, Amir would never have felt the need to “win Baba” and he would not have had to symbolically “slay” Hassan in the way that one would slay a “lamb”.  This then caused Amir to feel the need to hide his deception of Hassan, which eventually led to Hassan’s death. This behaviour was indirectly destructive, but it was destructive nonetheless.

While Amir’s behaviour is destructive in its own right, Baba’s is significantly more destructive overall. By examining the way that Amir attempts to atone for his wrongs, his betrayal of his homeland and the way he raises his legitimate son all illuminate the significance of his negative actions throughout the text and how they are more damaging than Amir’s.


literally lauren

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Re: 50 in English, available for queries :)
« Reply #83 on: March 10, 2014, 10:08:25 pm »
+6
Summers,
First of all, don't concern yourself with time. Not yet anyway. This time last year, it would have taken me 3-4 hours to write an essay too, but after so many SACs and practice exams, I whittled it down to about 50 minutes for each depending on the prompt. It might be worth looking through some study guides to see what Text Response actually entails. I could explain it here, but it'd take a whole page and I'm sure there are better qualified people who've got better jargon than I :P
And don't be afraid to go to your teachers either. It's more common than you think, to get to year 12 and not have a clue what you're meant to be doing in English. Unfortunately years 7-10 or even 11 are only vaguely geared towards the sort of skills you'll need for this year. There's no shame is starting from the basics, it's what I had to do around about this time last year :)
The vexations of murder is are explored through Priam’s role of boar hunting. Priam was ‘symbolically as the centre’ of the boar hunting but ‘could have no part in the merely physical business’ as it was ‘his duty to maintain and make shine.’ The visual imagery of murder that is portrayed, such as ‘a ton of steaming flesh and bone waiting to be hacked’ entails the vivid depths that killing has on a man, whether human or lower on the food chain. Priam ‘could have no part in the merely physical business’ no need to repeat the quote, wither cut it from above or paraphrase here or killing the boar for this reason as it polarises men from their fundamental characteristics of being human, yet ‘a little of the beast’s thick blood [was] smeared on his brow,’ being symbolic of his strength to conquer this animal as ‘the realm of the royal was representational.’ This could easily be dismissed as summary, you need to do more with the text as a construct! This is a key element of VCAA criteria; rather than commentating on the characters inside the world of the text, consider them all as devices used by the author. The plot, setting, pacing, symbols, and dialogue are all deliberate decisions made by the author. The question you have to answer is 'for what purpose?' How can these decisions relate to the implications of the prompt?

The lower orders of creation can often teach the most virtous elementary principles to men. Ransom is a bildungsroman no caps of sorts, as King Priam was a being that lived through the transition of slavery to royalty and was searching for the catalyst for him becoming a man which is found through a carter. Somax was ‘a bearded, shaggy-headed fellow’ that was representative of an ‘ordinary man’ throughout Ransom and leads Priam in an adventure outside the walls of Troy. Somax teaches Priam the lessons of being a man through the ‘chatter’ that ‘was of no use’ which was atypical for Priam, coming from a world where ‘a man only spoke to give shape to a decision he had come to…’ Through the simple ‘prattling’ of the men, Priam learnt about love and humility that was elusive to him, and also regret and life was now ‘curious’ and of ‘interest’ to him. Both men had lost children, and Somax relates to Priam when he ‘closed his fist and brought it to his chest to indicate the heart,’ exemplifying that worrying for the health of children ‘is in our nature.’ However, the men also shared experience with regret and not doing the right thing by their children, demonstrated by Somax ‘open[ing] his (son) lip with my fist’ which had the affect of Priam feeling more human through relation of mistakes as he had no close relation with his children. In turn, Priam feels less like a man detached from humanity, and is willing and excited to engage more in life. ditto here, the ends of your paragraphs should be attempting some statement about the author's overall intentions through these constructs, or at the very least link it back explicitly to the prompt and your contention

literally lauren

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Re: 50 in English, available for queries :)
« Reply #84 on: March 10, 2014, 10:30:33 pm »
+6
Australia’s infamous alcohol-fuelled violentce incidents, such as Thomas Kelly’s “tragic” don't wuote here, it sounds like you're being sarcastic death, have generated widespread concerns as to whether or not a new legislation should be implemented in an attempt to reduce the amount of alcohol-fuelled attacks. By appealing appearing didactic, measured and logical, the editorial “This sodden, angry culture has to change” (The Age, January 24th 2014) contends to the responsible, older adults of Australia that the Premier’s proposed laws will be ineffective as alcohol abuse is the remains a major problem in Australia. The editor aims to persuade their readership that the only way for a decline in alcohol consumption is through cultural change and emphasises the possibility due to the rapid decline of tobacco usage.


The editor asserts that although the Premier is planning to implement a plethora of restrictions to reduce alcohol-fuelled violence, they will be futile. The predominant factor influencing the attacks is the mindset of the individuals who are voluntarily becoming excessively drunk. The editor lists the measures of the Premier’s plans, such as “mandatory 10pm closing times” in order to criticise those who do not believe that “alcohol abuse” is in fact the major “condition” prompting the audience to recognise that Barry O’Farrell’s plan would be ineffective in decreasing the amount of attacks in the country, thus reducing his credibility as he has ignored that Australia is one of the “more drunken cultures” in the world. run on sentences, try to break this up. The editor complements the barbaric actions of the drunk with a photograph of an intoxicated man, with the words “for instant idiot, just add alcohol” sprawled across his face. The editor is positioning the readership to acknowledge the behaviour of the “idiot(s)” as the photograph highlights that this is the mental and health state that many perpetrators of alcohol-fuelled violence are in during the attacks. The audience would be more inclined to agree that the “complex” and “critical” problem of alcohol abuse must be suppressed in order for a decrease in violence to occur, exemplifying word choice? not sure what you're trying to say that the closing times would have no impact and that O’Farrell’s proposal would be unproductive try instead: 'counter-productive' or 'ineffectual' 'unsuccessful' etc. By utilising the evidence that “26 percent” of Australians admit to consuming alcohol in order to “put their health at serious risk,” the audience would be more susceptible to agree that many attacks within Australia are caused by the careless, inebriated individuals who have no regard for their health. You can acknowledge different factions within the audience, rather than just addressing them as a unit. A good word to use here is 'dichotomises' meaning 'to split in two.' So in this case, the author dichotomises alcohol consumers between responsible social drinkers, and violent, reckless drunks. We are therefore more likely to associate ourselves with the responsible crowd, and condemn the others. Hence, the audience are positioned to recognise that alcohol intoxication is the reason the violence and thus the proposed laws are “clearly not working.”

Having cemented that alcohol intoxication is the predominant factor causing the violence in Australia; the editor explains the consequences of alcohol and the implementations the medical association have proposed. The editor sways the reader to recognise need some synonyms for this the disastrous ramifications of alcohol intoxication, even though many fail to admit their own consumption, proved by the editor questioning whether the results are the “truth.” This promotes the reader to recognise the public’s naivety towards their own alcohol consumption and their ignorance is causing “damage” which is “extensive and costly.” The readership is positioned to recognise that the community’s lack of knowledge can be altered and improved with a cultural change and proper education in order to expose the dangerous ramifications which occur. The many ramifications of alcohol such as “breast cancer,” “heart disease,” and the possibility of “mental illness” would frighten the reader, who would be more inclined to then agree that their own amount of alcohol consumption must be reduced. The editor also promotes the audience to inform their own families and friends of the dangerous effects of alcohol in order to reduce the health factors which are caused by alcohol. The Medical Association has “urged” the government to agree to the “essential” analyse at word level here. What does 'essential' denote? (ie. critical, important, vital necessity etc.) approach, enforcing the importance of reducing the amount of alcohol consumption. The highly credible opinion of the Medical Association would sway the audience to agree with their suggestion, do due to their valuable knowledge of health. Hence, the editor hopes that by informing the audience of the many health factors and dangerous consequences, the readership would agree to the AMA’s proposal to reduce the “epidemic” of alcohol consumption.

transition b/n paragraphs could be smoother, try to at least use a 'Likewise' or 'However'
The editor vehemently asserts the need to reduce the amount of alcohol consumption and the need for a cultural change. The author inclusively groups the audience by implying that “we cannot afford” to continue the current perception of “leisure time” in Australia. This promotes that the editor is an ordinary member of the community, encouraging the readership to agree with a fellow neighbour. In addition, as this highlights community members are affected by the alcohol consumption in the community, the audience are positioned to perceive that they also play a critical role in reducing the alcohol-fuelled violence due to the need for a cultural reform. The editor outlines the many failed attempts of preventing violence such as “several summits” and “discussion papers” even though the “problem still persists” The audience would be are aware that the government has failed to acknowledge that the core of the violence is alcohol abuse and thus proves that a cultural change would be the most beneficial solution The editor asserts only a “cultural change” will impact on the amount of violence in the country, implicitly suggesting to the audience that once the public become more informed with an “extensive and effective education,” there will be a decline in alcohol intoxication and thus alcohol-fuelled violence, further enforcing the benefits of a change in the culture surrounding alcohol. another quite dense sentence, break it up a bit Hence, the editor evokes word choice? 'calls upon' 'invokes?' the readership to understand the importance of cultural change and the overall benefits.


The editor concludes their piece by asserting that the success of the decline in smoking can act as an incentive to reduce the amount of alcohol consumption in Australia. The editor praises the country for “succeeding in that way” against tobacco, highlighting that a cultural change had caused the fewer smokers in Australia, promoting the audience to agree within the proposal as cultural change is evidently achievable and has proven results. The editor complements the need for a cultural reform with two cartoons depicting a cigarette and wine glass with large crosses over both of them. The readership are positioned to recognise the well-known symbol of  the no-smoking icon and believe that with cultural change, the wine cartoon being crossed out may also become a well-known within society. The editor is leaves the audience with the simple message that like smoking, alcohol consumption can also decrease if the same approach is undertaken. Henceforth, the audience are inclined to recognise that a cultural change must occur for a reduction of violence within Australia. If this is your conclusion, you should bring up the images earlier, and don't leave so much analysis till right at the end. If this is a 4th paragraph then you need a conclusion :P

8-9/10
Your analytical skills are very good, and you clearly know the pattern for Language Analysis. You do tend to cram it all into one sentence though, which can make it a laborious read for an assessor. This could be easily spotted with a quick reread though, and eventually you should be able to notice when you lapse into run-on sentences.
Also you don't mention many techniques. I can count about two, and one of them is inclusive language (which I guarantee everyone in the state will mention.) Maybe look over a list of techniques and try to deal with some more complex ones.
Other than that, you seem to know what you're doing. Some basic structural/vocabulary improvements should have a noticeable impact on your marks :)
Best of luck :)

literally lauren

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Re: 50 in English, available for queries :)
« Reply #85 on: March 10, 2014, 10:38:27 pm »
+4
Phanboy,
(1) A letter or speech can be any style (persuasive, expository, imaginative) the forms and the styles are not mutually exclusive. So you can write a letter that is predominately expository if that's your strength. These sorts of frameworks (or even hybrid pieces) just tend to make the work more interesting and readable. Any given assessor will be trawling through 200 essays on the same prompt, and an awful lot of them will be saying the same thing, so a unique blend of style/technique/storytelling/creativity/whatever might help with your marks.
(2) It's worth experimenting. In SACs you should probably be playing to your strengths, but even then there's room for messing around, especially in Term 1/2. I'd recommend at least trying these different forms, and if they don't work, just explain to your tutor that you feel expository writing suits you better. But for now, write a couple of essays and see what works for you :)

literally lauren

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Re: 50 in English, available for queries :)
« Reply #86 on: March 10, 2014, 11:15:39 pm »
+5
“I was learning that Baba had been a thief. And a thief of the worst kind, because the things he had stolen had been sacred.” Baba’s actions in The Kite Runner are more damaging than any of Amir’s. Discuss.

In Khaled Hosseini’s The Kite Runner, the actions of both Baba and Amir are portrayed as destructive in nature, but ultimately, the reader is able to see Amir as a less damaging character due to his atonement and consequent redemption. By highlighting Baba’s failure to act and his betrayal of his homeland, Hosseini illustrates Baba in a cowardly and disloyal way. either 'illustrates Baba's cowardice and disloyalty' or 'portrays Baba in a cowardly and disloyal way' (first is probably better.) While it may be argued that Amir’s actions were far more damaging than any of Baba’s, Baba’s actions while raising Amir caused him to act in a negative way.
 
In The Kite Runner, it is often the case that a characters failure to act can prove to be more damaging than any of their actions. In the case of Amir, it is his failure to defend Hassan during the rape that proves the most damaging, but in the case of Baba it is his failure to atone for his actions. Although Baba’s actions alone are not considered as damaging as Amir’s, the mere fact that Amir tried to redeem himself after his poor decisions shows responsibility and integrity and allowed him to finally feel “healed”. While the beating he took from Assef left his body “broken”, he was able to laugh because he had finally atoned. Baba, on the other hand, failed to atone for the way he raised his son. His high expectations and lack of affection caused Amir to feel the need to “sacrifice for Baba”, which directly resulted in him considering the blue kite of higher value than Hassan. Baba never let Amir know that he was good enough, and this proved to be detrimental to his moral standings at a young age. While Baba did not directly cause the rape, his actions were more damaging in the scheme of things than Amir’s were. Good use of evidence, but you need another sentence here to tiw back to the prompt and your contention. Try to use the author's name here to 'zoom out' and comment on overall views and values. You could even comment on audience interpretation (ie. the word 'damaging' can refer to both the character's effects on one another, and their personas as we see them)

The theme of loyalty and betrayal is prevalent in The Kite Runner, as it illustrates the transition of Afghanistan from a country of beauty to a country of destruction and war. It would be unreasonable to claim that Baba was the direct cause of Afghanistan’s demise, but the people who fled Afghanistan were significant symbolic contributors to the loss of their homeland. Baba fled as soon as he realised that his “way of life had ended” in Afghanistan. He was acting in a responsible way in terms of what his son needed, but in other ways he was leaving his country to fend for itself. He not only left his country, he robbed his son of his homeland. Kabul was not the same, “you couldn’t trust anyone”, but the significance and importance of “standing up” for his country in its time of need seemingly overrules leaving in terms of importance. This further proves the damaging effect that Baba’s actions have throughout the novel, especially in terms of the country of which he originates. Excellent ideas in this para, but a weak ending. Same as above, comment on authorial intent, audience interpretation, or at least link it back to the prompt.

There are several father-son relationships illustrated in The Kite Runner which explore the various ways that you are able to raise your son. While it can be argued that Baba is a positive influence on how Amir acts by encouraging him to “stand up for himself”, his cold and distant treatment towards Amir’s choices early in life causes him to feel inadequate. This, in turn, causes Amir to sacrifice Hassan to Assef and the bullies to impress his father.  If Baba was a more loving and accepting father, Amir would never have felt the need to “win Baba” and he would not have had to symbolically “slay” Hassan in the way that one would slay a “lamb”.  This then caused Amir to feel the need to hide his deception of Hassan, which eventually led to Hassan’s death. This behaviour was indirectly destructive, but it was destructive nonetheless. Excellent point, worth 'fleshing out' a bit more, what is Hosseini saying about blame/intent/destruction..?

While Amir’s behaviour is destructive in its own right, Baba’s is significantly more destructive overall. By examining the way that Amir attempts to atone for his wrongs, his betrayal of his homeland and the way he raises his legitimate son all illuminate the significance of his negative actions throughout the text and how they are more damaging than Amir’s. good conclusion, but your last sentence could be stronger. 'By examining... all illuminate the significance of...' is a bit clunky too. Maybe explore the point you raised in your last para about the unintentional/indirect destruction, or at least challenge the nature of 'destruction' as something definitive and measurable. You are allowed to agre with the prompt, but it's usually good to challenge it in some way, even if it's only a few minor points,  try to find instances of alternate interpretation or outright contrary evidence.

Blondie21

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Re: 50 in English, available for queries :)
« Reply #87 on: March 10, 2014, 11:21:29 pm »
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8-9/10
Your analytical skills are very good, and you clearly know the pattern for Language Analysis. You do tend to cram it all into one sentence though, which can make it a laborious read for an assessor. This could be easily spotted with a quick reread though, and eventually you should be able to notice when you lapse into run-on sentences.
Also you don't mention many techniques. I can count about two, and one of them is inclusive language (which I guarantee everyone in the state will mention.) Maybe look over a list of techniques and try to deal with some more complex ones.
Other than that, you seem to know what you're doing. Some basic structural/vocabulary improvements should have a noticeable impact on your marks :)
Best of luck :)

Thanks so much Lauren!!! One more question, which techniques would you have used from the article? I know that this is simple stuff (year 7 .. Sigh..) but I can't find many :|
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Rishi97

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Re: 50 in English, available for queries :)
« Reply #88 on: March 11, 2014, 05:37:46 pm »
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Hi Lauren

Quick question regarding language analysis. If expert opinion is used in the article, how can we write the effect on audience? I want to say that they "are placed in a position where they must agree with the author as he is an expert". But this doesn't sound very good. Do you know any way how I can word this?

Thanks
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Re: 50 in English, available for queries :)
« Reply #89 on: March 11, 2014, 07:14:09 pm »
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