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June 25, 2021, 12:24:03 am

Author Topic: Finding it hard to show not tell in this sentence  (Read 497 times)

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Maroon and Gold Never Fold

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Finding it hard to show not tell in this sentence
« on: May 09, 2021, 04:29:36 pm »
0
Hi guys,
Just wondering if anyone can help me with this sentence as I'm struggling to describe this scene which is leading to me just telling.

At this time, every night, they would reach down with the left hand, never right, into their back pocket of their grey trench coat of synthetic material, hastily unsheathing their monochrome umbrellas, all 450mm in length, all whilst maintaining robotic stride.

angewina_naguen

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Re: Finding it hard to show not tell in this sentence
« Reply #1 on: May 09, 2021, 05:54:56 pm »
+3
Hi guys,
Just wondering if anyone can help me with this sentence as I'm struggling to describe this scene which is leading to me just telling.

At this time, every night, they would reach down with the left hand, never right, into their back pocket of their grey trench coat of synthetic material, hastily unsheathing their monochrome umbrellas, all 450mm in length, all whilst maintaining robotic stride.

Hey, Maroon and Gold Never Fold!

Usually when it comes to "show, don't tell", you want to reduce the information you are giving your readers and increase the detail of what is left. Some aspects of the sentence such as "At this time, every night" or "left hand, never right" aren't as necessary to repeat or clarify for the reader. The length of the umbrellas might also be a bit excessive so you could also cut that down. I would reduce the sentence to something like this: "It was routine for them to reach down with their left hand into the back pockets of their grey, synthetic trench coat. They maintained a robotic stride as they hastily unsheathed their monochrome umbrellas."

From here, you might want to heighten the sentence's motion. You could do this by putting more emotion into the scene (how are they feeling? What does this say about them?) and/or by moving the plot along (what happens after they unsheath the umbrellas?). Hopefully this helps and let me know if you have any further questions!

Toodles,

Angelina  ;D

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Maroon and Gold Never Fold

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Re: Finding it hard to show not tell in this sentence
« Reply #2 on: May 09, 2021, 08:06:46 pm »
+1
Hey, Maroon and Gold Never Fold!

Usually when it comes to "show, don't tell", you want to reduce the information you are giving your readers and increase the detail of what is left. Some aspects of the sentence such as "At this time, every night" or "left hand, never right" aren't as necessary to repeat or clarify for the reader. The length of the umbrellas might also be a bit excessive so you could also cut that down. I would reduce the sentence to something like this: "It was routine for them to reach down with their left hand into the back pockets of their grey, synthetic trench coat. They maintained a robotic stride as they hastily unsheathed their monochrome umbrellas."

From here, you might want to heighten the sentence's motion. You could do this by putting more emotion into the scene (how are they feeling? What does this say about them?) and/or by moving the plot along (what happens after they unsheath the umbrellas?). Hopefully this helps and let me know if you have any further questions!

Toodles,

Angelina  ;D

Thanks, this helps a lot